Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Christmas Parties, G Strings and the Mental Load of Hosting Christmas

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And it is our very last Ask Uncut of the year and it is cross-continent right now. Brittany Hockley's in Romania. I love when we do cross-continent records but what I will say is I always have this extreme anxiety that I haven't set all the recording equipment up properly so do we to be honest that's not anxiety that's stress because it has happened before well there's so many chords that are going everywhere and you've got to do different settings to what's normal and I always think oh my god I'm going to record this whole thing and then finish and look down and it's not

Starting point is 00:00:49 going to be there so let's pray for us all well if you're hearing this right now it means that Brittany actually did set it up which would be a really I mean if you see the technical things that we face almost every single cross-continent record you would be like this is a remarkable feat remarkable no one cares about this but i'm telling you anyway my jet lag is through the roof like i don't know why it's so bad i've been here a week now and i still am like i hit 5 p.m and i'm like you could pay me a million dollars i couldn't keep my eyes open then i wake at 4 a.m and i'm just like pinging off my head the thing is is that people because like we sometimes have to play the game a little bit when it comes to radio Brittany pissed off a little bit early because two days

Starting point is 00:01:30 early two days early just to get a bit more time with her lover but unfortunately when it comes to being on radio we've got a you know it's all real it's happening in real time and it's live so that would probably be odd to anyone who just listened to the pickup on Sunday's episode and was like what do you mean you've been there for seven days but yeah Britt snuck in a couple of extra days but it was funny I did get some messages from people because I posted our last day at radio and I was like goodbye Mitch I love you then two seconds I was like hi Romania everyone was like I'm really confused isn't Romania a 26 hour flight and I was like correct you're like I teleported I did okay how's it been how is it being with baby Maya

Starting point is 00:02:09 how is it being seeing Ben again give us all the updates it's been an amazing first week so I arrived like 1 p.m in the day and then my sister Sherry her new baby Maya and her husband Jay arrived at midnight or 1 a.m that night so Ben and I had like about six hours or something that's it it's all you need well we need about four minutes but yeah we had six hours worth of four minutes but we had that little time knowing that that was the only time we had for the rest of the week so obviously we utilize that time well Brittany you're doing your own version of Lily Phillips except it's just with the same person. No, no, we did not. Trust me. If you haven't had sex for like six months, you are not doing it more than like four times. You're not match fit.

Starting point is 00:02:57 Yes. Thank you, Keisha. I am definitely not match fit. It's like I've been subbed onto the bench for the last six months because I'm not good enough to play. And then they're like, you know what? She can come in, give her a go, see what she's got. And she doesn't have much. Let me tell you. So I went to pick up Sherry and I haven't seen Sherry in six months. I have never met the baby. It was like a really wholesome moment. And Sherry and I are absolute besties. We always have been. So I was really excited. And I said to Ben, can you film the moment? And if you guys have been on my Instagram, you would have seen that I posted this video. He's like, yeah, you know, like you've trained me well. Boyfriends of Instagram, I've got this. So he films the

Starting point is 00:03:32 moment. I've got a sign for Maya. They come out and Sherry and I have this really emotional embrace. And it's like this beautiful moment. I see baby Maya for the first time and her and I have a little moment Ben gave me my phone back and he was like fucking nailed that he's like you're gonna froth that didn't look at the video and then the next day I went to look at it I was like oh we haven't looked at that video how cute so I went to look at it and I was like is this a joke if you haven't seen it please go to my Instagram so he didn't film anything he felt he just filmed Jay watching us embrace and even Jay in the video is going Ben like you can see him like waving like put the camera over there and then Ben panics with the phone it goes down to the ground and

Starting point is 00:04:16 then he turns it off and that was the entire video to make it worse I was like I was actually fine about it I laughed so hard I was like how could we still be here after two years of me training you I thought it'd be really funny to put on Instagram a few people would laugh ha ha ha move on it somehow has gone viral it's at nearly two and a half or three million views in two days poor ben is just being like crucified on the internet this is a shame because people are going to be like your boyfriend's incompetent this is weaponizing incompetence it sort of was and i'm like how is this the video that's gone viral the one video that i've posted that makes him like an absolute twat we received a message from someone in the dms and she was

Starting point is 00:05:00 telling a story about how they had a little baby reveal with their parents so it was like their mom their dad and they did like a little baby reveal like a cake situation but it was the first time that they had found out what the baby was as well and she had given the phone to her mom and asked her mom to film their reaction to finding out what their baby was and their mom had just pressed record twice so she recorded nothing she just held and held the phone up for the entire thing and got it back and it was a one second video of absolutely nothing we've all been there we've all done it i actually got a few really funny messages it probably would be a really funny call out for you guys but i got a few messages like that of people writing to me

Starting point is 00:05:40 saying that one of their dads was supposed to record an engagement just held the finger down the whole time but it didn't do anything it just wasn't recording like so many moments of these like really crucial the moments that you definitely don't want to miss i feel sorry for ben the things that have gone viral on your instagram like your engagement video of us but not yeah not ben your engagement video of us and this video that he's supposed to have taken of you embracing your sister he's just he's left out i feel he's got the shorts for her on your instagram hey dude so how's meeting maya okay so maya is just like the cutest thing i've ever seen now i don't know if i'm biased because she's my blood so probably i'm a little bit but she is just the child you

Starting point is 00:06:23 know how we've talked about children before that make you not want to have babies she's the opposite it like Lola as a baby I fair I get that she was hard but also like Marley was a unicorn baby so I understand that there are unicorn babies out there which the problem with a unicorn baby is it gives you a false sense of what babies are like because I had one and I was like this parenting gig is fucking easy and then I had Lola and I was like wow that really knocked the smart straight out of me didn't it and we love Lola let's be clear we love Lola but for those playing at home that don't remember or don't know she was the hardest child Lola came good but what people might not remember is like 12 months no she's amazing now now she's like she's four she's sassy like she's

Starting point is 00:07:04 great but at the very start she was very very challenging and I know that people think that we went back to back like there's a really short gap between Marley and Lola I mean not to like bring a downer on the episode but like we were gonna have even less of a gap like three months earlier I was pregnant and had the miscarriage so it's like we would have had they call them Irish twins if we'd gone that close together and it was purely because Marley was amazing and we were like I can do this twice over and now I realize actually it's a lot harder and I feel for those parents who have children that don't sleep well that's what I think Sherry's thinking and I had to actually I used sorry Lola in advance I used Lola as a reference to Sherry because

Starting point is 00:07:43 no offense taken I was like don't you get lulled into a false sense of security I was like let me tell you a story about Laura she's just an angel unicorn baby she slept every night here in another country in another bed for 11 hours straight it was wild and then she would wake up and she doesn't even you know when babies wake up and they get really upset and they cry a little bit and she doesn't cry when she's waking up she doesn't really cry when she's I just she didn't cry she just fed and was smiley and I was like you're a little turd because you're gonna make me want one. And I was like, and I'm going to get a Lola on steroids. No, not necessarily. You never know. It's really a lucky dip. Like any parent will tell you, God, you just don't know what you're

Starting point is 00:08:26 going to get. Some people get a miracle. I don't want to say miracle. They're all miracles, but I mean like a miracle sleeper. And some people get Satan spawn and you just learn to adjust at some point. Or you go to Tresillians, which I don't know. I don't know if anyone's ever come out of Tresillians and been like, yep, all of my problems are fixed. What's Tresillians? Tresillians is like a sleep school. So like as a parent, you can go into Tresillians with your child. It assists you to try and help get a better routine with sleeping and stuff. Why didn't you go there? I'm stubborn. That is true. Okay. How do you feel though? Because I know we touched on it a little bit and we've spoken heaps about you. I mean, even on today's episode, which has come out, which is

Starting point is 00:09:08 with Bridget Husworth, we were talking about the seesaw between wanting to have kids and not wanting to have kids. And a big conversation we spoke about before you went away was whether being close with Maya and having a relationship with her might sway you more into wanting to actually have a kid, which if Instagram is anything to go by, like, I feel like that is an indication, but I mean, how do you feel now? She just left. They just left today. I was obsessed with her a hundred percent. I was trying to get all the time in as well, because I know I'm not going to see her again until she's eight months now, eight or nine months. So I was like, I will take every second. I will bathe her. I will, you know, put her to sleep. I'll feed her the bottle.

Starting point is 00:09:46 I'll walk her all the time and so Sherry and Jay they were it's like a holiday and I loved it like I genuinely loved it but I think that's because she was easy as well I loved the most and this is not going to come as a shock to anyone but like man seeing Ben hold a baby is almost like panties off like I'll meet you in the bedroom so it was really cute to see him navigate that even you know when you first hold a baby if you've never done it you don't even know how to like hold them because you think they're gonna break and even from just day one until they left today it was really cute to see like him grow with her and like know how to hold her and speak to her and it was really really cute so it's like it has definitely if this is my seesaw i'm holding a

Starting point is 00:10:31 lip balm it is definitely teetering to the kid's side yolo let's fuck some shit up in here but i'm not gonna I'm not gonna lie the second they left today Ben and I sat on the lounge and we're like wow that was a tough week like we were exhausted I felt like I was a mum I felt like I had a week of being a mum because I was like I've got this Sherry and I just did everything we were changing nappies we were doing it all you're like I tried to breastfeed but then it just wasn't working she just couldn't get the latch my milk didn't come in yeah well guys we do have some episodes for you planned over the break as we always do we're not going to leave you high and dry but we are still taking a holiday in between that what have you got planned laura i have a very quiet

Starting point is 00:11:17 couple of weeks so we've got like three weeks technically off work we've got the whole family coming for christmas we are hosting christmas at our house this year there's like 11 adults and i think and 10 kids so it's gonna be a lot but then the rest of the time we're gonna spend it down the coast and i know that some of you guys might be following along but we're doing a renovation down there at the moment and this will be like the first actual proper chunk of time that we will have down there because at the moment it's been like only a couple of days here a couple of days there and it's really really hard to manage a renovation when you're not actually there and you're just getting photos sent from the builder who's like I think this is right but what I've

Starting point is 00:11:55 what I've come to realize is like we set up an Instagram page for the reno a while ago and it's been really fun documenting the process right of like what changes we've been making to the house and like what design aspects we've chosen but I've realized that I've really lent into rage baiting people like people have very strong opinions around the house aesthetics I've learned this but I think I've quite enjoyed how much it's made people mad and so now I'm worried that I'm actually making I'm making permanent decisions because it's making people annoyed like I'm doing it on purpose now and I don't know if it's like once again I know I'm stubborn but I'm worried that I'm going to end up with a house that I hate

Starting point is 00:12:37 and I purely did it to enrage people. I think we're close to it. Laura's doing all these polls and just picking whichever one is the least popular. It's what I've been doing. She's like, I'm not like all girls. I'm not like everyone else. I hate one.

Starting point is 00:12:50 I literally laid out some tiles the other day and everyone was like, they are fucking gross. And I was like, well, I'm doing it anyway. And then I looked at them and I was like, do I actually like this or am I just doing it to make people mad? imagine if you built an entire house based around the fact that people don't like it like you're like I'm gonna see what what the least favorite option is here and that's what I'm gonna build we don't have to imagine it that's what she's doing she's high on the power I think it is I

Starting point is 00:13:17 think that there's something that I find it so I mean I'm really loving that everyone is so invested in it because that's like being a really fun part of the project but I think the fact that people get so enraged by stuff online that's never going to affect them and I feel as though in this instance I'm like I will take you all down for being so mad about it by really enraging you but the only person I'm hurting is myself and the resale value and the resale sorry we never actually never gonna sell this house like this is like a house that we'll have I mean unless the bank comes knocking we will have it for forever last words I know anyway that's what I'm gonna do I'm painting the house purple everybody it's gonna be great how did the blue laundry go because that

Starting point is 00:13:58 was a controversial decision from Matt it was Matt put down so one of he's had a few requests about the house and a lot of them have been vetoed but some of them have gotten through and one of the requests was that he wanted a blue laundry I caved in because he's the only one who uses it anyway so I was like sure if you want a laundry that's blue let's go for gold you told me I was a bitch for making that joke we recorded and I was like Laura what do you care about the laundry matches all the laundry anyway it's one of those moments where like you can make the jokes about yourself but when other people do it it's not nice it's bullying so he got his blue laundry and it actually looks really good i'm stoked with the blue laundry okay he's gonna look great in

Starting point is 00:14:35 there so handsome without a shirt on washing all the things up i'm just picturing that it's gonna end up like a dr seuss house it is it fucking is like you don't know where you are like you walk into a whole nother world like a magical garden or something zoe and hamish eat your heart out it'll be the budget version. All right, guys. Well, look, it is time for our vibes and our unsubscribes of the week. Okay. I have a recommendation. It's a little bit niche, but if you're a business owner that sells products or on the flip side, you're someone who's quite concerned about consumerism. Like I think it actually could be interesting for both camps. On one side, you could use it to market better to your audience. And on another side,

Starting point is 00:15:15 you could learn the psychology around buying. There's an episode on the ABC podcast. It's called All in the Mind. And it is titled The Design Tricks Brands Use to Get You to Buy. So the guy who features in this is a man named Chris Borman. And he's the professor of branding from Macquarie University. But he's actually written, it's like one of the hardcore textbooks that's used within marketing called The Psychology Behind Design. So he's being interviewed. It is very palatable and I guess the things that they talk about are not just marketing concepts but for example like you know how you go to Ikea and you have to walk all the way through Ikea to get to the final destination like to get to the point of sale it talks about the different strategies

Starting point is 00:15:57 that brands use that encourage you to purchase more without you necessarily being conscious of it and whether or not those strategies are manipulation or whether they are opportunities for people to just be aware and for example there are lifts in Ikea but no one ever uses the lifts you can bypass walking through the whole thing but it's also like a sensory enjoyable space as well so I found the whole thing really fascinating like I said if you're a business-minded person I think you would really enjoy it or if you're someone who has a bit of a marketing interest but then again I genuinely think that if you're someone who really wants to be more conscious and more aware about the tactics that brands use this would be a great podcast to listen to.

Starting point is 00:16:36 I'm a tight ass. So I like knowing the tricks that they use. So I feel like I don't fall for them. I think that's great for financially savvy people. You're like, aha, you got me there. My vibe for this week is a podcast episode of Search Engine. I have recommended this podcast before. They're like a journalistic style podcast who go into the most random topics, things that I never thought to even think of as topics that I would be interested in. This is the title of the episode. What if Ayahuasca made you stop podcasting? So the story, it's an interview with a woman called Sarah Haider. She was born in Pakistan. She immigrated to America and became an American citizen. And she initially was born into a Muslim

Starting point is 00:17:14 family, but she left the Muslim community and kind of, I guess, lost her support network throughout that process. She became an atheist and she became more and more conservative. She ended up being an activist and then she ended up being a podcast host of this anti-woke podcast. and she was doing this for quite a while. So she was a co-host. So fast forward a little, you know, a couple of years and she ended up going to this Ayahuasca retreat, which is the most potent hallucinogenic that you can take. It's illegal, you know, in most places, I think there's a couple of countries where it is legal, but a lot of people go to Brazil and do it. Yeah. So it's this really potent hallucinogenic and there's kind of two very different experiences

Starting point is 00:17:54 that people can either have. They can have this mental breakthrough where they feel like they're getting these revelations about who they are and what their life purpose is. The other end of the spectrum is that they can enter a psychosis that they never come out of. So people have really varied experiences on this really, really potent drug. She went there, took it for three days and came back and was like, I can't keep doing my job. I don't get outraged by the internet anymore. So she's gone from being this full like activist in the anti-woke space, really conservative, to just being like, you know, I've realized that we kind of, all of the media and all of what I was doing, it just operates on this outrage culture. And I just found myself unable to

Starting point is 00:18:39 give a fuck anymore. I'm just not angry about anything anymore. And so I had to resign from my job because I couldn't get passionate about the things that I used to care about. It was fucking fascinating. So I was booked in to do it in the Amazon jungle in Brazil. I was, Sherry and I, we'd spent like six months in South America. We were in the Amazon. I didn't think of it as this crazy drug because I was probably about 27. And when you're over there, a lot of the tourist people on the tourist track, the backpackers are talking about this drug. I was all booked in, which is pretty naive. I look back at my travels to South America. I wouldn't have, I didn't do any research on it. I was like, I listened to some other backpackers say you have

Starting point is 00:19:19 these like enlightening experiences anyway the reason I cancelled it we pulled out a day before because I put I remember I put on my Instagram that I was going to try it and of all people Alison Langdon who hosts 60 Minutes saw my Instagram and she wrote to me and she said do not do this I've just done a story on a woman that got trapped in the psychosis would never get out. It's the same as people who do psychedelic drugs, like people who do acid or anything that kind of changes your brain chemistry in a way. There's a lot of people who have really severe outcomes and there's other people who just have a great time. Like it really does affect people differently. Yeah. So I'm so glad, like, I think that sounds like a fascinating episode, Keish.

Starting point is 00:20:05 I'm so glad that I, Sherry and I didn't end up doing it. It's so not me either. Like I've never done drugs. I'm not that kind of person. But when I was there, I was like, yes, I'm going to find my true self with this random drug, some shaman in the jungle, like wild when I look back at it. Also, I mean, I've done a bit of research on it in the past because I had an ex who was really keen on going and doing it. And the whole idea of vomiting for several hours beforehand just sounds like- And diarrhea. Yeah. It just, I don't know. Not for me. Not for me. I don't want to feel like I've got gastro to reach Nirvana. I'm all right. I've had that before.

Starting point is 00:20:36 Well, she did speak about the whole experience, you know, and she wasn't, I don't want to come on our podcast and almost say as though she was promoting it she definitely wasn't she gave quite a balanced view of what the experience was and kind of the way that they went about different side effects the diet that they put them on like it was just for someone I am the type of person who I am actually quite comfortable taking risk I'm pretty impulsive and I usually am like yeah let's roll the dice I would never do this and I'm surprised that someone like her did and is willing to talk about it so publicly. I was so fascinated to the whole episode.

Starting point is 00:21:10 So the podcast is called Search Engine and this episode, it was just released last week, What If Ayahuasca Made You Stop Podcasting. Right, it sounds very interesting. And Britt, what is your vibe? So my vibe this week is a podcast. Of course, it's true crime. I know I bring you guys that a lot but you seem to be loving them and I do too.

Starting point is 00:21:29 Look at us, the podcast record queens. Well, every podcast is about to go on break so I think it's good that you know you guys might have some things to listen to over summer it's called just married the anthea bradshaw mystery now this is a nine news podcast it's hosted by ben avery and i could listen to him talk all day and i think half the battle with podcasts sometimes it's not necessarily just the content you have to enjoy the person that you're listening to and the way that they deliver and i really loved it like he's an investigative journalist that he has been looking into this case for a really long time it's about anthea bradshaw who in 1994 moved to brunei with her

Starting point is 00:22:08 husband so they were australian they moved over to brunei and then she was murdered long story short she was murdered in her own apartment and the case has never been solved because it was in brunei in another country no one really looked into it but the family has always been really chasing it and ben avery has gone so deep into trying to find out what happened and speak to all those involved, and the mystery kind of unravels along the way. And I think it's really cool. Like the fact that a lot of the AFP, like the Australian Federal Police, and a lot of our police sort of brush their hands on it.

Starting point is 00:22:41 Brunei sort of brushed their hands on it. And so it's taken like literally just a citizen, just a journalist all these years later to go and start to dig, to find answers. Like it's giving very teacher's pet vibes if anyone listens to that. Yeah, so interesting. Yeah, I think it's really cool and it's a real ode to journalism in this case, Anthea, but these people that are murdered or go missing and then people forget

Starting point is 00:23:03 about them. I think there's something really special in people all these years later trying to fight to find what happened for that person so they're not forgotten. Well, I also think there's something very incredible about the power of podcasting and how podcasting has been such a turning point in criminal investigation, especially within Australia, and how these journalists are doing the jobs that police officers should have done 20, 30, 40 years ago. It's remarkable the impact that this is having on the way in which justice has been served for these people. Is there a resolution or is this ongoing? You are left with a resolution of sorts that you are led to believe, but it's not definitive. So no one is convicted. Right. So there's not

Starting point is 00:23:40 like a judicial resolution. Everyone leaves with the same, you finish the podcast with the same idea. And I think the family has the same idea and I'm not, I don't want to say what it is, but unfortunately at this point in time yeah there's no actual conviction so it's just anywhere you get your podcast the Anthea Bradshaw story fascinating oh guys let's get into the questions question number one my husband doesn't like me wearing g-strings now we have been together for 12 years since I was 17 married with three young kids when I was younger I never wore g-strings I thought they were uncomfortable fast forward to my late 20s and in the past year I've started wearing g-strings to go to the gym for comfort and more

Starting point is 00:24:23 for a seamless style. My husband does not like this. He thinks that I am disrespecting his boundaries and that I'm not being a good wife because I'm parading myself by wearing that kind of underwear with short leggings, running or going to the gym. Parading. Yeah. While he is working hard to provide for our family. I think the request to control the type of underwear I wear is over the top and it was a decision I made for myself and for my own comfort and not to parade to others I don't want to disrespect him or his boundaries though what do I do he's disrespecting you and your boundaries they're not boundaries also like let's make that clear yeah the underwear that you choose to wear in a relationship isn't a boundary that anyone else gets to set on you

Starting point is 00:25:08 ever like to be clear let's start with that what the fuck does I'm working to provide for our family have to do with the underwear that you wear I'm at home working while you're out there parading I'm sorry but this is quite a serious question because this is very very controlling behavior and it makes me wonder what other controlling behaviors are happening in your household yeah it's shame language right like he's saying I'm out there providing for our family while you're parading around to make you feel shame that you're doing something wrong so that you'll obey the thing that he wants you to do like you're walking this is how coercive control works and this is the subtlety of it the fact that you're now asking a question of like oh I don't

Starting point is 00:25:49 want to go against his boundaries means that you are self-doubting the things and the choices that you're making because he has made it a boundary your underwear is not a boundary for him that's not how it works and I mean we've actually done an episode recently on therapy speak we'll link it in the show notes because I think it's a really interesting one to kind of like flow on from this if you're interested but you can't use language like this is a boundary for me when that boundary stops someone else from doing something that is actually a harmless thing that is part of their normal life and if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who tells you what you can or can't wear, where you can or can't go, the things you can or can't do, that is like the

Starting point is 00:26:32 red flags for being in a controlling relationship. And sometimes it's a slow creep. When you've been with someone since you're 17 years old, 12 years of a relationship, sometimes you don't really realize how much and how controlling someone's behavior is because it's become normal to you. Well, it's not even that you don't realize. Yes, you might not realize, but you don't have anything to compare it to. If you've been with him since you were 17 years old, you have not been in an adult relationship outside of him. It's also a manipulation tactic. It is a manipulation technique to subconsciously plant these thoughts in your head by using the words that he has used, parading. You were walking like a normal person, like everybody walks. You went to the gym like

Starting point is 00:27:14 a normal person. But the idea is to put it into your head subconsciously that you are doing something wrong towards him the same way he's using that he's out there earning money while he's making it sound like you're running around on the streets selling your body or something like that like that's the way he's trying to compare it to to make you feel so much shame and like you have done something so wrong while he's just trying to provide for the kids and put food on the table and you are out there betraying him by wearing a g-string but also you have three young children you're probably at home 90 of the time with your three young children like you're doing your job I'm sure he also goes to the gym I'm sure he also goes out with his friends yeah look

Starting point is 00:27:53 I mean we are mad for a reason and that is because like don't be in relationships with people who try and control the type of underwear that you wear when you are absolutely doing nothing wrong like it's so obvious and I think for anyone who heard the question being read out like it's so obvious that that is a really it's really toxic language it's very controlling behavior and it can be the start of something that's quite alarming. I don't want to go so far down the track to be like, your husband's a prick and it's really controlling behavior and he's coercive control. He may be in other ways a great partner, but he has overstepped a line here massively. And there is a conversation that needs to be had around how this is inappropriate. His behavior

Starting point is 00:28:33 towards you, almost as though he's trying to imply that the boundary is like that you're trying to cheat or that you're trying to solicit other attention from other men, that your reasoning for doing this is something that is going against the relationship. And that's where he's bringing in this boundary relationship speak. And you have to call that out for what it is because it is only going to get worse, this type of behavior. I do. And whilst we are angry and I am angry and maybe we came out of the gate too hard there, I do want to soften this a little bit because whilst it is very obvious to us that this is not okay and not normal. And there's a lot of people listening that will be like, this is so obviously not okay. It's not obvious to you

Starting point is 00:29:15 because you've written this in as a question and you are very unsure of if you were doing the wrong or right thing. That's because you've been in this relationship for so long and you genuinely don't know. Sometimes if you don't have these open conversations with your friends or family, which chances are you probably haven't, then you don't know. You've got nothing to bounce it off you don't your friends aren't here saying that's not okay like bob becomes normal yeah bob would never make me do that it is a slow burn and it has become your absolute normal which is why you've written to us so we do just want to say gently it is not okay and you are doing nothing wrong and you can absolutely wear whatever underwear you want whenever you want it's it's

Starting point is 00:29:56 fucking madness isn't it but it's not madness to her no no i i know there is so much worse than this in terms of how overt coercive control and controlling behavior can be. But also in this, and something that I think happens in some relationships, and I have seen it in people's relationships that I'm close with. When you have little children, a shift happens, especially when you're the stay-at-home mom, right? You are at home. You are often not dressed up for other people's attention. You're at home. You're wearing normal clothes. You're not wearing G-strings. you're not going to the gym you are not prioritizing yourself right you are so far down the priority list that your relationship as far as when like the guy in the relationship is concerned

Starting point is 00:30:41 like you are in some ways subservient to him and I say that maybe that's not the right word for it but it's like you're not a threat because you are conforming and then what happens is your kids get a little bit older you start to get a sense of your own identity again you start going to the gym you start to see your friends again you start getting out of the house like you start to regain a little bit of your own self-identity. And that's when this type of behavior really starts to rear its head. That's when this type of coercive control and controlling behavior can become worse because no longer are you conforming to that household role of being stuck inside with the kids. You're starting to take a little bit of personal agency that you might've had before

Starting point is 00:31:19 having children. And it's something that I think women have to be very, very, very aware of because it's so easy to just be like, oh, I'm just not going to wear that underwear because I don't want to cause a fight or I don't want it to be a problem. It should never be a problem and you should not be in a relationship with somebody who wants to control where you go, what you wear. Question number two, should I be offended that I wasn't asked to go to the Christmas party? We weren't actually asked to go to our work Christmas party. That's another topic. My partner works in a professional job and is employed by the government. I've met only a few of his colleagues. For their work Christmas party, they were just going out for dinner at a restaurant

Starting point is 00:31:57 that's about an hour away from where we actually live, 20 minutes from their workplace. So it sounds like a bit of a non-event. He initially said that he wasn't sure if he was going to go, but his colleague has said that he really should and would really love to have you. I asked if partners were also invited and his response was, yeah. I was a bit taken aback because he never actually asked me to go. When I mentioned this, he responded, well, you wouldn't want to go to that anyway, would you? Which is true. It's not my idea of a good time, but I'm feeling upset that I wasn't even asked. Is it normal to not ask your partner to go to your work Christmas party

Starting point is 00:32:32 when there is an option for partners to be included? I think it depends on how you communicate this, right? Because he has made a decision for you. He obviously works 20 minutes, you've said, 20 minutes to the restaurant from work, an hour for you to drive there. He's made a decision not to invite you, not necessarily because he doesn't want you to be there and he hates you. He's like...

Starting point is 00:32:53 Oh, I don't think he hates you. Well, no, but he's like, I didn't think you would want to go. And you have literally said, yeah, I wouldn't want to go. And I know that you still wanted the invitation, but it could just be a case where he's like, well, I know you well enough that why would I ask you to go to something that I know you don't want to go to? No, let me tell you I don't want to go.

Starting point is 00:33:12 Let me tell you no. Let me tell you maybe, babe. I'll think about it. You know what? I've sat on it and thought about it and it's not for me. You go have fun. That's all that needed to happen. And let the lesson be learned here to all the men that are driving

Starting point is 00:33:23 in the car with your partners right now listening to Life Uncut, always give them the option. Always give them as much information as you can and let them make a decision. You can't be making decisions like that on the behalf of someone. I get that, but there's absolutely times where I don't invite Matt to things because I know he wouldn't want to go. He doesn't want to go to vagina steaming, Laura. No. Thank you, Donna. It wasn't a vagina steaming. It was a vagina ozonizer where they zap inside your vagina, make it tighter. Even worse. Of course he didn't want no but but genuinely there's times where I'll catch up with my friends or and they're mutual friends but I know that he doesn't have a great desire to go and so I don't ask him and there

Starting point is 00:34:00 have absolutely been times where I've gotten it wrong and he's like oh I'll come in which case I'm a great come in this situation had my question would be how do you respond to that when you know that you haven't been asked because your partner has made an assumption that you wouldn't want to go and you actually don't want to go do you get angry do you feel offended or do you simply say oh I mean I would love you for you to ask me okay I'll come it depends if it's a current a current depends if it's a common reoccurrence like is this happening all the time do you feel like and I'm reading between the lines here I feel like maybe she feels a bit left out like he doesn't include her in a lot of his life that's what I'm thinking because my immediate thought if I was in

Starting point is 00:34:40 that relationship like that situation my immediate thought and maybe this is old britney where i had insecurities because he was cheating on me but my thought was he's keeping me from that aspect of his life he's keeping me from his people and that's but that's because he was yeah yes but um i think it depends how much has happened if he was really innocent he's like babe sorry i've genuinely thought you wouldn't want to go it's an hour away like you don't know them then that's okay just educate him and just say it's true I don't but I'd love to be able to be the person that tells you that can you understand that no I actually okay I feel very differently about this to what you do I think and that's because what are you gonna do rage no I'm not gonna rage I just

Starting point is 00:35:21 there are things to be angry about in a relationship and if you actually really wanted to go to his work Christmas party and you were intentionally left out then I would be like yeah feel left out be annoyed and have a conversation with him about it but in this situation you don't want to go he knows you don't want to go he knows it's not something you would have enjoyed and you've even said yeah he's right I wouldn't have wanted to go to it but you just wanted to be asked my question is why do you just want to be asked so that you can say no like I don't know I kind of think that you do come to a place in a relationship where you know your partner so well depends on how long they've been together everything else that like it kind of just feels

Starting point is 00:35:59 like being angry for being angry sake do you want to know what I would do I'd go just to prove him wrong and then go just go like fucking yeah I want to go and then be the life of the party yes do it fucking do it go but like I don't know I kind of think maybe this is a situation where it's like you're being angry a little bit for the sake of being angry like you feel left out because it could have been an easy question for him to ask but the reasons that he's given you for why he didn't ask you also are very, very valid. And they're also very correct. I had a situation like this recently with a friend and it was a, actually it was a little while ago. We had a, we had a group of people at our house. Like we had like a bit of a lunch, right? And my friend had just had

Starting point is 00:36:42 a baby. And before having the baby, her and her partner had sent out a message to everyone saying, hey, once the baby arrives, we're going to go into like a little bit of a cocoon for four to six weeks. We just don't want her to catch anything. We want to be like, you know, we just want to stay just us. And I got that message and this little gathering that we had ended up being about two and a half weeks after she'd had the baby. And I didn't invite her and I didn't invite her not to be exclusionary. I didn't invite her because she had sent a very specific message saying I'm going to be in a cocoon for four weeks. But my friend was quite offended by it. And she sent a message saying, Hey, you know, I know that it might be hormone speaking or whatever. She's

Starting point is 00:37:23 like, but I felt really left out that you didn't invite me. And I kind of felt as though it was a bit of a rock and a hard place. Cause I was like, okay, did you just want an invitation so that you could say no? Cause you've already said you can't. She might've changed her mind though and actually wanted to go. Yeah, I get that. And also we had a conversation about it and absolutely worked it out. But I do sometimes think that it's, you know, maybe we kick, we take offense to things that aren't meant to be in an offensive way. And in this instance, if your answer was always going to be no and you actually haven't been that left out of things like maybe it's not the hill to die on but also you can just have the conversation with him and maybe next time he'll ask yeah I

Starting point is 00:37:59 think it's nice to be asked it's the same with like I do and I'm not even saying that as a joke it's nice to be asked know that you someone's thought of you you're respected enough to push your input in it's not hard to be like hey babe Christmas party next Friday night it's an hour away do you want to come or not like you're welcome then the person says oh you go babe but it's not it's not for me have fun done like if you know that that is the outcome rather than pretending it's not not telling her going to the party you see on social media that other partners are there and then you're like what you didn't even tell me like it just opens a can of worms that don't need to be open I'm in the same thing with wedding invitations now it's like I know

Starting point is 00:38:38 there are so many people that will not come to my wedding for whatever reason that can't come but you still invite them you don't not you still send the invitation out so that they know that they're loved thought about you know and that they get the choice to be like oh my god I would have loved you but I can't you don't just not invite someone yeah okay no that is a good explanation that is a good yeah I brought you around a bit didn't I yeah I don't know I just it doesn't mean he doesn't love you yeah and I think that that's probably the big the big thing like the the main take-home from this is is I think it's just a misunderstanding more than anything and, you know, he made that decision not because he wanted

Starting point is 00:39:14 to leave you out intentionally, not because he wanted to hurt you, but because he genuinely knew what your answer would be. I'd go, go, just go. Just fucking go. I'd go, go, do it. You might have fun. You might have the best time of your life.

Starting point is 00:39:24 But, like, don't go. You don't want to. You don't want to be there. You hate his colleagues. How do you know, though? They're fucked. How do you know if they've gone? Question number three.

Starting point is 00:39:34 My cousin, her husband, and my husband do Christmas dinner together. we plan it in january as december is just too hectic and we plan it a year out fuck that is so much planning you plan it a year out who are you christmas is in two weeks and i don't know what i'm doing the old mate on the last question didn't even invite you and this one has been organized for 12 months yeah you know what's up this year my husband and i are hosting the problem is is that my husband has just been invited to a workmate's bucks party and it falls on the same day as our Christmas tradition night. He has said yes to going to the bucks for the bottomless lunch, but here I am having to clean, prepare the food, decorate the house and get everything

Starting point is 00:40:13 sorted all on my own. On top of this, the day before is my husband's work Christmas function also. So now I'm fully on my own riding this beast. I'm annoyed that I've been lumped with all the responsibilities. What can I actually do about this? Do I just suck it up and try not to allow the date for the next time to clash so much or do I cancel our Christmas dinner it's always gonna clash you booked it 12 months in advance something's gonna pop up I know you have to let him go it's a it's his work Christmas and a box like he can't help it he's not trying to be a flog and also yeah and I get that you're organized and you're like this was already locked in but that doesn't fly I reckon there's like a six month mark like you can't also be like hey four years

Starting point is 00:40:55 ago I told you that we were gonna have this dinner I get that you're being organized and I get that it sucks because the planning and the shit that goes on around Christmas is so much when you're the host, but there has to be a way that you guys can work around this together. He's not gone for 48 hours. He's not, surely he's not like out of action for 48 hours. He can go to the shops in the morning, get the groceries, salads. You can make salads. You can pre-make salads. You can put stuff in the slow cooker. Nah, they go sloppy. Pre-make a salad. Have you never done a Christmas lunch? I've never hosted. No, I'm joking. No, you're not. When have you ever done a Christmas as well. You bitch. I hosted last year in Scotland. Ben and I were the hosts and we

Starting point is 00:41:33 hosted two families together. As if Ben didn't do all the cooking. I did the salad. Four days earlier. It was great. I did it six months earlier on my last trip. And I put it in the freezer. So fuck you. And it was fucking frozen. Okay. And I defrosted it over 12 hours. I put it out in the snow. You're a mole. There's so much that he can help. And maybe you can just maybe you can try and write some lists of things that he can do in his spare time between his partying and his bucks and unless he's an animal unless he's an absolute animal that goes out two days prior parties non-stop and doesn't come home but he can set up decorations or he can be taking the rubbish out he can vacuum he can clean there is so much time around it he's just

Starting point is 00:42:13 not going to be there to actually do the prep with you on the day by the sounds of it okay but this this is a very specific question which i think has a sort of a broader meaning to a lot of people because Christmas lunch often falls on the women in a household. That is often just the case and it sucks but it's true. And I think that there can be big conversations that happen prior to try and mitigate it as much as possible because we've all been to Christmases where the boys are in the backyard playing cricket and all the women are inside cooking, cleaning and preparing shit.

Starting point is 00:42:44 Okay, fine. I'm just going to admit, yes, Ben didn't let me in the kitchen and he did everything but he's a unicorn. I wouldn't let you in the kitchen either though, Brie. I was out playing cricket. I was like, babe, you got this. But it's a really common and just horrible gender stereotype that rears its head around Christmastime because for so many people

Starting point is 00:43:02 we're like, oh, Christmas is so magical, it's a wonderful time of year. But that magic and that wonder often falls on the female in the household to do the organising. The only thing she's wondering is how did she end up there? How did she fucking end up there? I always think about my mum because, like, my mum was a single mum and she did such a fucking good job of making Christmas special, like the massive meals santa sacks were always stocked like she would do like the footprints

Starting point is 00:43:26 through the house of santa claus like she really made christmas such a magical time and now you're an adult with kids you realize how hard that would have been like how much effort that would have been totally i think back and i'm like fuck it was magical for everyone else but her her day sucked she did fucking get me out of here totally she had to do so much preparing look so i understand why part of you even though this has been like well planned out for a long time is like do i cancel lunch because it's not going to be as enjoyable for you. But the thing is, this isn't an intentional decision. It's just a scheduled clash. And unfortunately, it has worked out the way that it has. The only way that you're going to be able to mitigate this is to give him jobs

Starting point is 00:44:02 to do prior, just like you said, Britt, the going and picking up all the groceries, any prep that can be done prior to those two days, the decorating of the house. You don't need to write the list because that's just more work, ain't your job. No, you may need to write a list. Sit down together, do it together so that that job has been divvied out and he can do all the prep work, the running around, the ordering and anything that needs to be done prior to you doing the cooking side of things. Can I just say?

Starting point is 00:44:30 Say it. Can we normalise just like ordering takeaway on Christmas? Like my family has said this so many times. We go to so much effort with our Christmases and I will say it's split. My dad does just as much as my mom. Like my dad is out on the barbecue. He's slow cooking meats. He's doing prawns.

Starting point is 00:44:47 My mom's inside doing all the other stuff. It's equal. But without a doubt, you still spend so much of your time in the kitchen, whether it's like the preparing to take over, then it's the taking away. Then there's the next one. Then there's the washing up. You spend so much time washing up. Let's normalize just like ordering in.

Starting point is 00:45:03 Let's spending like less time cooking and more time just eating the pizza. We have a hectic one this year. Matt and I, we're hosting. we hosted last year but every year it just seems to grow and so this year my because my mum couldn't come last year because Neil was so sick so my mum is coming my dad is coming from Townsville where's he gonna stay who knows not the listeners need to hear that but I mean I think he's gonna stay in the little tiny room between under the stairs yeah just like Harry Potter I have no idea where he's gonna sleep but also we have my sister her entire family like the kids her husband we have

Starting point is 00:45:36 Matt's sister, that family with the three kids, my dad, Matt's mom, my mom. I don't know. There's more. I have children too. They're going to be there, I guess. Like it's just a lot of people in a household and we never do like, I would love to just do an order in, but we're going to do a cook. Got to cook a pork, got to cook a ham. Like it's, it's a lot of pressure. But when it's that big, when you're hosting something that big, I don't think it should be on just the host whose house it is. Everyone needs to bring dishes. Someone's on salads. Someone's picking the prawns up you guys can do the meat because it's your house and you're cooking everyone comes to the table with something like you cannot turn up as a party of 30 and expect like one person that

Starting point is 00:46:15 owns the house to do everything yeah no I agree everyone will bring a plate so just bring take that edit and send it out to your family what we should bring byo food oh yeah look I mean I know that we've kind of taken a bit of a tangent on this chat but I do think that Christmas is a particularly hard time of year because I think that some people get to just love it and enjoy it and they think god it's such a magical wonderful time but there is always someone in your family that is working behind the scenes to make it that it's usually me and and sometimes i mean you know for you listening it could be you and your family now is the time to kind of have some of those conversations with your partner or with the

Starting point is 00:46:54 other people who you're going to be around during christmas time to lighten the load so that you don't get to boxing day and feel so much resentment or just feel utterly fucking exhausted by getting slammed by christmas but back to this question i reckon you have to just let him go it's very unfortunate yeah and don't cancel the lunch it'll be fine don't cancel it but maybe maybe be petty maybe do an iou like he owes you one you know tit for tat healthy relationship also even though you're hosting can you not just ask your friend to bring a salad That's what I mean. Bring a plate.

Starting point is 00:47:31 You'd never turn up empty-handed. Yeah. Go to Char-Grilled Charlie's. They're pre-made salads. Yeah, and then just put them in a nice bowl and no one needs to know. They'll never know. Do you want to know a funny story? Sure.

Starting point is 00:47:43 This is completely off topic. You just reminded me of it. Keisha's face just then was like, please don't. Please don't tell it. Well, we're going to take a little segue here. I am a terrible cook. We all know that. Like, that's not the jokes.

Starting point is 00:47:55 I mean, yeah, whatever. I'm a terrible cook. It truly is a joke. It is a joke. And I do need to say, because my sister Sherry listens to this. Sherry, I do not do anything over Christmas. Sherry does it all with my mom. Sherry does Christmas breakfast.

Starting point is 00:48:06 I know she's going to listen. She's a nutritionist. She's amazing. Love you, Sherry. Segway. I'm so bad at cooking, but I used to do that, Laura, where I used to pretend I'd cook something. And I remember I was trying to impress this guy that I really liked. We just started seeing each other, but we weren't a couple yet.

Starting point is 00:48:20 And he's like, do you cook? And I just lied because I was like, oh, he wants a woman that can cook because I was young and fuck it. And I was like, yeah, I'm a really good cook. And then he's like, what's your specialty? You know how they always ask that? Like, what's your dish to impress? Bolognese.

Starting point is 00:48:33 I don't know why I said it. You know what I said? Sushi. Nah, no one can make sushi. I can. No one. So you know what I had to do? He's like, I'd love that.

Starting point is 00:48:43 And I was like, sure. I'm going to make you some sushi. So I just went to the sushi train and bought him some sushi. And then I put it on a platter at home. And then I just like sprinkled some rice around the kitchen. You did not. Yes, I did. And I sprinkled the rice around the kitchen like I'd been in.

Starting point is 00:48:58 And, like, I bought the ingredients that I thought I would need. And so I had seaweed flapped around and then he came over and I had, like, put some rice on my cheek. Like, I'd been working really hard and it was just – surely he knew. It was literally just sushi train sushi on a platter. You're like, I'm a trained actress. I can act. Anyway, do that.

Starting point is 00:49:17 Yeah, don't do that. Anyway, that's it from us, guys. I cannot genuinely believe that we are at this time of year where we are saying Merry Christmas. And now that it's Christmas. It's, where is it gone? And what have you done? Nothing.

Starting point is 00:49:32 Another year over. So depressing. And a new one just begun. And a merry, merry Christmas. Guys, merry Christmas to you all. We do have an episode coming out next Tuesday, though. We're not, like, leaving you high and dry. No, let's sit in the merry Christmas first.

Starting point is 00:49:48 We genuinely hope you guys have the best Christmas that you have ever had with your family and your friends and your loved ones. I hope you are very safe. I hope you put down your phones, go off social media, still listen to the podcast. I also hope that if you have a partner, they pull their fucking weight this time of year. That's my wish for you.

Starting point is 00:50:06 Merry Christmas, everyone. I wish for health and happiness, but you do. No, but also, I mean, and, you know, we have episodes that are going to be dropping throughout the Christmas break. We're not one of those podcasts that are leaving you high and dry. We're here for you. We support you on your Christmas holidays. Yes, we do have an episode dropping on Tuesday to get you through any long

Starting point is 00:50:23 drives that you might be doing, or maybe you're on your fitness journey. I hate that word, but maybe you're going to be hitting those steps and the long walks. But we do have an episode on Tuesday and we do have fresh new content, one a week at least, dropping while we're off. So we want you to know that. Don't completely tune out. We've still got some stuff. I even think, I don't want to say with a hundred percent certainty, just in case it doesn't come through, but I think Ben is going to be jumping on for a guest Ask Uncut. So I think Ben and I will do an Ask Uncut while I'm over in Romania. I love that. Yeah. So you guys can hear a bit more from Ben. Maybe you want Ben to answer specifically, or maybe you just want a male's response. Cause

Starting point is 00:51:03 I often ask Ben Ask Uncuts. Like I go through them with him and I get his response to stuff. Also Sherry, my sister, she came through as one of the most requested interviews, which actually surprised me a little bit. Not because I don't think she's worthy. I just didn't realize how many of you really wanted to hear about her pregnancy journey. She's obviously been a really big part of life on cut from the very beginning and that's also something that maybe a lot of you guys if you're in the discussion group you would know this sherry has been such a feature of life on cut for forever but if you are just an avid listener of the podcast but you're not in that discussion group yeah sherry's been a part of the life on cut team

Starting point is 00:51:39 for forever and she we did do an episode with her quite a while ago all around nutrition we can link that in the show notes and we did another episode with her on hearing loss because sherry has hearing aids yeah we did i forgot about that one we did it was a great ep but also just in general and talking about her pregnancy and how she had her little baby maya very prematurely as well yeah so that episode's going to come because her and i will be together over christmas so we're going to put some call outs for those as well for you guys to write in your questions but also for me as well merry christmas guys we are so are you from both of us not just you laura you already said it and i wanted to say it too specifically from me though merry christmas not brit

Starting point is 00:52:16 from both of us we are we're excited to go on holiday we're just we're so grateful we're so grateful for you guys we're so grateful for the fact that you've tuned into so many episodes this year so many of you sharing like your spotify raps and stuff with us so we can see how many hours of us talking uh you've consumed like we are forever grateful that we get to make this podcast and for the community that you guys have built around it and yeah merry merry christmas everyone and this is the last of this kind of scheduling so when we go into the new year The content is going to be just as good and just as frequent, but we're doing a little change-up with our episode drops.

Starting point is 00:52:52 That's it from us, guys. You know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends, tell Santa. And share the love because we love love.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Christmas Parties, G Strings and the Mental Load of Hosting Christmas

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