Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Crying Coworkers, Feeling Inadequate and An Easter Hat Parade Debate

Episode Date: March 29, 2026

Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer your deep and burning dilemmas!Do you think 1 year olds should be having Easter hat parades? Do you think WE should have an Easter hat parade? (Only yes answers will be accepted).Vibes for the week:Britt: App Shortcuts -> Daily Declutter Keeshia: Dynasty: The Murdochs on Netflix Laura: Colour Me Kids Then we jump into your questions!MY COWORKER CRIES EVERY TIME SHE GETS FEEDBACK AND I'M LOSING MY MIND I manage a small team and one of my staff members cries every single time I give her any feedback; even positive feedback with a small suggestion attached. The crying means I end up comforting her instead of actually finishing the conversation, and now I've started avoiding giving her feedback at all which I know is making things worse. She's actually good at her job and I like her as a person. But I am a manager, not a therapist, and I genuinely don't know how to do my job without it turning into an emotional crisis every time. What should I do? HOW DO I TELL MY FRIEND SHES NOT INVITED ON OUR HOLIDAY?Help! How do my best friend and I tell our other good mutual friend she’s not invited on our holiday? Hey girls! Love the pod and are in need of some big sister advice. My best friend and I are planning a 2-week international holiday. We’ve travelled together many times and are super excited. However, last time we went away we brought a third friend with us. We had a good time, however upon reflection we’ve both separately come to the conclusion that she doesn’t match our travel vibe and we’re generally not travel compatible. My bestie and I have been friends for 10yrs now, but we fear our newer friend will be really hurt when she hears we’ve planned a trip just the two of us again. What is the best way to go about telling her? She can at times be quite sensitive (which we love and adore about her) and has had toxic friendships in the past which has left her being a bit insecure (she says this, it’s not us overanalysing her). The simple solution is just to invite her, but deep down we know we won’t enjoy our time and be able to relax if she comes. We don’t want to be bitches, but every way we look at it we just are the worst I FEEL INADEQUATE AROUND MY PARTNERS SMART/RICH FRIEND GROUPI am 30 years old, I work as a casual in 3 jobs. My partner is 32 and a doctor and business owner. We have been together for 3 years. His friends are lovely people and have always made an effort to make me feel welcome. However, every time I leave a gathering I feel less than. They all make at least 5x my income, all own properties (some quite lavish). When we go out to dinner it is often fine dining and we all split the bill. They think twice about booking business class flights, I think twice about purchasing coffee. They spent their youth in selective schools. I spent mine in intensive sports programs. They spent their 20s working hard for money, while I spent mine working hard on creative projects. They are all incredibly intelligent and witty. I find myself going quiet in the group, and blanking when I am addressed directly out of the anxiety of saying something stupid, which ironically makes me appear stupid.I love my partner. He is a wonderful person. I just can’t help the intrusive thoughts that if I don’t fit in with his friend group, how is it that we fit together? I do sometimes worry that in an attempt to create a yin yang relationship, I am forcing myself into a box that I don’t fit into. And is that creating an unnecessary feeling of inadequacy. Is it putting too much external pressure to change my true core values of creativity and adventure? So my question is, have you ever experienced very real feelings of financial inadequacy in a relationship and how did you combat it? Secondly, when I raise concerns around these feelings to my partner, should he be doing more to placate me, or are my insecurities ultimately my problem? FRIEND BEHAVED BADLY AND MAD I DIDN'T SIDE WITH HERMy best friend behaved badly and was mad at me because I didn’t side with her. My best friend of 20 years, let’s call her Sam, recently had a huge fight with her other friendship group. Long story short, there was alcohol involved and Sam said some rather horrible things to her friends including patronising comments about the unfortunate financial position of one, and mocking another’s recent breakup. I was not there for the incident, but had other people who were at the bar reach out to me to come and pick up Sam, plus her behaviour was so ‘big’ and ‘screamy’ that the incident was filmed and shared around our town. Sam’s version of events is very different to that of her friends, but the videos don’t lie and to be honest, everything she said in the moment are things she’s told me before. I have tried to raise it with Sam that she was unkind and needs to be accountable for her actions, but now she is mad at me for not siding with her. A few years ago Sam helped me through a very rough patch and she’s brought this up, stating that I owe her for the help and support she once gave me. I don’t believe that her behaviour should be excused, and Sam should be held accountable for her nasty comments. I also don’t want to lose a friend of 20 years by not supporting her through this incident. What do you think I should do? You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Hosted by Britt Hockley & Laura Byrne Produced by Keeshia Pettit Video Produced by Vanessa Beckford & Lachy Pugsley Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! XxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany but sorry I'm standing by this. I think one is too young for an Easter hat parade guys. This is this conversation we were just having before this episode started. Brittany's on a rant. She's on a rant. Actually you've been ranting a little bit this morning. I woke up feeling really sick and I'm getting a migraine and I definitely get antsy at that time. You know what I mean? I get like a bit like angry. I mean, a one-year-old Dixie hat shouldn't be what sends me.

For context. My baby Maya is one and Sheridan has started. She sent it into the family group chat and it just sent me. She's like, oh, it's that time already. And it was her making an easy hat braid for Maya. And I just thought, well, it's enough. Where's the line? Because one's too young.

There is something very cute about going to, like, the daycare Easter hat parades, though, and, like, the educators are, like, dragging these babies around and they're just, like, lopsided with these hats. Half of them are crying, half of them are, like, waddling around confused looking at all the parents. It's very cute. It's very cute.

It's nice that they do it. And if they didn't do it, you'd be like, fuck this daycare puts no effort in. No, I don't have a problem that they're doing it, but I don't want to do it for my one-year-old. Don't do it. I'd put a cap on. Have the child that's left out.

I can't. I can't let my child get bullied because it's the only one with that chocolate on its head. To be fair, I actually have a really vivid, it's a core memory of mine, of going to school with a big brimmed hat on that had like crepe paper all over the top of it and Easter eggs stuck to it. And I was so proud of this goddamn hat.

And there's a photo of me somewhere that was circulating around like a childhood photo. It was going viral. It was going viral. Sorry, when I said circulating around, I clearly meant on the internet. No, I just meant like it's somewhere in the world. probably at my mom's house so I'm a freak I just I remember how proud I was of this Easter hat and yeah we take it seriously in our household Easter hats and book week can't wait for that

to roll around again guys okay well I didn't want to have to bring this up but we're here so I will I did win the Easter hat parade when I was five and it was probably the only thing I ever won at school but I remember it as well equally as vivid and let me tell you if anyone's out there that wants to know what the winning hat was you can take this idea obviously it was obviously it was a wide room hat wait I let me just have a guess because I bet you think it's unique and I'm gonna tell you it's probably not was it a straw hat wait wait wait stop stop I bet you you hung string yeah I did and you put easter eggs on the end but I think I've told you that before no I have because I've bragged about it many times in my life I've bragged about my east side parade it

Of all the content that we could repeat. It was a wide-brimmed hat and it went to town. It was really tall, like really big rabbits on it. I could barely walk. It was toppled over. But then it was like a fly hat. You know how you used to have corks on your hat that hung down? It was Easter egg.

And I fucking won. I think I won like a $50 voucher. I was pretty sick. Back in the day, that's pretty valuable. It was huge. It was probably $5. You should have seen what I got from the $2 table. You know how you have to have Mother's Day parades and you have to buy a present and put it on the $2 table or $5 table?

You bought the whole table. Yeah, I was like, I'll take it all. Wrap it up. I think we should do an Easter hat parade competition between us. I've got to make two of them already. No, Keisha. Just make an extra. Keisha, we're not.

You've already got the supplies. It's actually easier for you. This is my hat right now. This is my Easter hat parade. I'm going to stick chocolate on it. You know how I like to do things for Halloween? Like have my ghost buns and this year I think I had pumpkins or spiders or something. Easter hat.

You can do that. Get into the theme, okay? I said I wanted to make this year more whimsical. You guys have to get on board. I will wear one of my kids' ones. To be fair, we save them every year because I am hoping that one day I can just recycle them. I think there needs to be a family exchange.

There is. We've talked about this before, not on this podcast, I mean between families in the school group WhatsApp chat, but there needs to be an exchange program because our kids have, like, the best book week costumes, the best Easter egg hats. Like, it's like everyone puts in so much effort and it's a one-hit wonder. I want to go to the Easter egg parade and I want to be like, that kid's hat is good.

I'll buy it off you. My kid can wear it next to you. No, so there is. In the dark of night, Laura turns up to the parents' house and she gets out of the car in a disguise and she turns and they do an exchange. There's meet-ups. There's proper meet-ups.

So last year when we were on radio, we did this chat around the book week and we made, there was some jokes that were made online about like, oh, you go to so much effort and then it's done. there are full communities everywhere but specifically in sydney that is for that you go and swap your easter hats and you swap you you swap your dress ups and stuff because people put so much effort into it you swap your book weeks instead of having the shoes hung over the power line you've got like easter eggs on the line it's the drug house line and you're like we are an

easter egg hat competition swapper oh let's get into your vibes and unsubscribes everybody vibes hit me my vibe this week is i don't even know what to call it it was like i don't even know what it is no I don't know what to call it it's like if you download an app on your phone it's just called shortcuts and it links to shortcuts on your phone so it's a little purple app and it's shortcuts and when you go into it you can add shortcuts from your phone but I've added one called daily declutter and what that does is it's just a way it's not ideal for someone like me that has 300,000 photos on their phone but what it does is when you click into it it takes you to photos from this day but every year so every day you can go in and it will take you back

to that year's photos and it's either a way for you to look at it as a memory but also declutter it so you can be like so it's a it's a slow cute way every day to delete things from your phone you don't need so it takes you to that that's really smart does it prompt you and say like time for your daily declutter well no it's not you still gotta think for yourself does it wake me up i don't want it then yeah so it's you download shortcuts and then you add literally daily declutter and so it's taking me to every photo like look at this one of me mitch churi that just popped up from today in 2023 so like photos and i'm like well i don't need that why is that still there that's actually a screenshot with writing on it from instagram so

like i'm never going to use that so then you can go through and delete the day so it's just a way instead of sitting down for hours at a time and trying to delete your photos takes you two seconds you go into that day and delete it I love that I will forget I tried to do that you know how there was that app that was I mean it's sure it's still around but it was one second a day and you could compile your entire year and so every day you took one photo or one video it was one second shot of wherever you were doing like whatever you were doing in the day and then at the end of the you know the year it would compile every single one of those shots and create like this little movie montage of your year. Do you not remember? No, I thought I was getting it confused with that.

What was that app? Be real? Oh yeah. No, it wasn't be real. I think be real. No, no, no. This was another thing. It's called one second a day. It was about nine years ago. It was big for about six months. And then everyone forgot to do their one second a day. Cause once you've fallen off the train, you can't really call those days back. But I think I stuck to it for about maybe seven days and I was like, well, that felt good. And it was a seven second video. And I was like, It looked so cool, but then I just forgot about it. That will be me doing this app. But I love the idea of it.

I'm not going to lie. I have fallen off the train already. How many days did you do? I've been using it for like two weeks, but it's a couple of days I've missed. I just reckon I'd have so many exes come up that I'd be like, well, forgot about you, forgot about you. That's the problem. But the whole point is then you delete it.

Yeah. Like you don't need it. I would like to delete most. From my memory. Control delete all. How do I do that to my brain, actually? What, delete your whole memory? Well, I'll just delete the exes.

Anyway, we wouldn't have Careers. My Vibe this week, it's not a hot take. I think it's like number three or four on Netflix at the moment. It's the new show about the Murdochs. It's called Dynasty the Murdochs. It follows the family's battle for succession. So this is kind of like if you watched Succession, this is the real version.

So it's a documentary style four episodes that goes back and looks at everything from the start of how Rupert Murdoch, who is now 95 years old, created this empire and how he kind of went against the grain, you know, to the traditional newspapers and then how he made deals with certain politicians because, you know, there's a lot of rules around media. We know this because we're in podcasting and radio, but because we're really serious journalists because we had to do compliance training. If you didn't know this, you can only own a certain percentage of certain things in

media. And he actually did deals at the time so that he could own more, you know, you could only own a newspaper and not a TV network. And then he made deals so that you could own both of those things, but you could only earn a certain percentage in a town. And like, it was, it's quite fascinating historically seeing the way that the media world has shifted. And then obviously it goes into the battle, this court case that has happened for who is going to be his successor, because there's a lot of talk and I kind of agree with it that he didn't really raise his children to be a dad. He raised them to take over his empire and he has favourites

and he would prefer certain ones to take over and there's a lot of legal battles about how that's going to unfold when he dies because he's still alive at 95. Ben Renner's favourite kids. I'm going BS when people say they don't. They do. They don't. You do.

You don't have favourite kids. You have like things that you like in your kids, like types like parts of their personalities that you love but you love your kids the same i was for sure the same and my four my brother was definitely favorite anyway really fascinating it's just like i was left to defend for myself they uh they interview so many fascinating people cara swisher is my favorite she's a podcaster and a journalist and they interview you know people from all different sides of kind of the media world i find it completely fascinating for episodes if you're into either succession or just like family dynasty kind of vibes, you're going to

love it. It's on Netflix and it is called Dynasty the Murdochs. That is a great vibe. I have one for you guys. It will only be relevant if you're a parent, but it is from a lifer. So I have to admit this, a couple of packages arrived to Tony May because I guess like people know where my shop is and my office is. And like, sometimes things get sent there and it's not that I've asked for them. It's not that I bought them, but like very gratefully, you know, sometimes I get sent some stuff and I'm like, we're all, it's lovely. Feel free to redirect it. My address is like, I love free things too. You can address mine to Laura's office as well. What I want to say to that is the problem with that is that sometimes things arrive to my shop. It gets put on a shelf

somewhere. No one tells me that it's arrived and I have no clue. I have no clue. So I received this package yesterday, which was actually sent potentially in November since it was Christmas themed but it's not about the christmas theming it is about the product itself now it is from a lifer and if you are a parent it's such a freaking good idea so it's called color me kids once upon a time and they're great big tablecloths that have all different characters or themings on them and they're you color them in so like the kids can sit at the table they have this massive like space that they can color in they're washable they come with their own washable textures they're all different themes. The ones that we received were Christmas themed. My kids are thrilled.

The candy canes were a little bit off, but nice touch. And I just think it's amazing. So I got them yesterday and when I unpacked it, I was like the quality of the products. It also came with like great stickers and like just different craft things for the kids. The quality of the product was super impressive. And the idea behind it, that it was this reusable coloring in massive placemat to try and keep the kids at the table i was like such a good idea i love it yeah i love that i feel like you just really have to teach the kids the difference between that tablecloth and other tablecloths kids get it especially when they're a little bit older like my kids age but i guess my thing is poppy gets it we buy we buy so much craft stuff and most of it is junk most of

it's shit and it ends up in the bin right like you'll go and you'll buy it for 10 bucks and you might get one activity out of it and then once that activity is done it's so wasteful because that's not good enough quality that you can keep it and reuse it. Just kind of, you know, what are they called? Those like little pipe cleaners and paddle pop sticks. Like all that shit goes in the bin. But this was one of those things where I was like, this is such a good craft activity that the kids will reuse

and reuse and reuse. I don't know how you're against my idea of doing an Easter hat parade within our team. You love arts and crafts. She doesn't like them at all. I do like arts and crafts and I'm probably like one of the most, I wouldn't say the most creative, but like creatively, like I like doing stuff.

Oh, okay, Laura. You're like, yeah, yeah, all right, mate. Tell us what you really think. I'm musical, okay? Laura's like, you guys are fucked. I'm the best. Not at all. I'm a jewellery designer and I did just probably win the parade.

You have a graphics design degree. Have we forgotten who won the Easter hat parade? That's true. Sorry. Wasn't you, but it was baby Brittany. It wasn't me. I didn't peak in school. I'm going to give it my all now.

Brittany's like, fuck you. You think I peaked in school? Oi, fuck it. Let's do the Easter hat parade. I'm coming in with a hat like you've never seen. I'm telling you. I'm in my community group. Wait, someone else is?

who's gonna judge it me i reckon ness would be a fair judge ness would be a fair i was joking i don't want to do it for anyone who's looking for it it's called color me kids and once upon a time is the is the i don't know if there's like lots of different versions of this but it says once upon a time coloring in tablecloth if you search that i am sure you're gonna find it awesome that's a good idea you don't have to search it because there'll be links on our website and in our show notes and to yeah and like you know we love supporting lifers as well so really well done a lot of life businesses on here okay let's get into the questions question one my co-worker cries every time she gets feedback and i am losing my mind i manage a small team and one of my staff

members cries every single time i give her any feedback even positive feedback with a small suggestion attached the crying means i end up comforting her instead of actually finishing the conversation and now i've started avoiding giving her feedback at all which i know is making it all worse she's actually good at her job and I do like her as a person but I am a manager not a therapist and I genuinely don't know how to do my job without it turning into this big emotional crisis where she cries every time what do I do that is so hard and would you let me leave the room yes hard why do I feel like no you don't cry when we give you feedback no some people are more sensitive to feedback than other people. Like some people do have criticism sensitivities and

they perceive things that are not criticisms. They are simply suggestions or feedback as being deeply criticized. And I think like, firstly, I don't want to assume that you're delivering it in a way that's, you know, I actually don't think you're the problem. I think that someone who is hypersensitive is a really tricky person to manage because those sensitivities and them crying either means that they're left defensive and so you can't have an honest conversation with them or like you said you're left being the therapist the place that you're at now and I say this from experience as someone who manages staff across you know multiple businesses I have been in a situation and you do have to have a conversation about the reaction to the feedback it's really

really important that might be met with the same response but in doing that at least that means that that person can see they're doing it again and I think the way that you do it is you sit down and you say look you know I wanted to chat to you about something that's been on my mind you are great at your job like please know that that is very important you are great at your job exactly how you've written it in the question but I'm finding it really hard to give you feedback that's not even not criticism it is just feedback as your manager to you know help you grow or to move things in the direction that I need them to move to whatever it is and say I'm finding it hard to give that feedback because every time I do bring feedback to you it makes you emotional

is this something that you have noticed is this something that you feel and you know what is it about that and I think asking them the question and giving them the opportunity to be like yeah I do I know it's something I struggle with and going okay we need to work on that because I can't do my job effectively and I can't help you grow as an employee unless I'm able to give some feedback but I think you have to address it rather than addressing all of the other things that you need them to do differently or the feedback itself you need to address the reaction before you can continue to give feedback I would also just establish that it's not personal and to not take it personally that it's purely work related and in line with your business and maybe

something else you can do to make it feel a little bit more structured like it's not always coming out of the blue and maybe you can structure and schedule whether it's bi-weekly or monthly or whatever it is that it's a meeting part of your business now is and it's not just her maybe it's other people it's like hey we have a feedback meeting every two weeks so that she knows it's coming it's not coming out of the blue it's just part of the business it's not like I've done something wrong and the boss has been thinking about it now she's coming to attack me and maybe it makes it a bit more structured in your day-to-day work schedule and she might not feel as overwhelmed or I want to say attacked because she probably does feel attacked she's absolutely

not like you are within all your rights but some people just don't take it on well so maybe if you make it structured and really set up that this is just a part of the business to help it go in a different direction and to help it grow it's not personal and we're going to do it every three weeks some people also interpret it's it's so hard but some people also interpret feedback as micro management like if you say hey i need you to change this this and this it's like but i've done it this way and then and you get like this defensive response and you're like i know that but the reason why i'm asking you to change it isn't because it's wrong it's because i just want in a different way. It's a subjective thing and I need it to be. And I guess like as a manager or

as a boss, you have to cut your losses sometimes. Like things are not always going to be 100% the way that you want them because you don't want to micromanage people. And if something is a subjective change, whereas like the end product is equally as good, it's just that it's perceived differently by different people. Then I think that they're the moments where the juice isn't worth the squeeze. Like if a job is done and it's done well, let it be. But if there's times when actually, it needs to be done differently for whatever that reason is. It's trying to get to a place where you can keep that, I guess, like constructive criticism without them instantly going into defense mode. And it's really hard. Like if you have that personality type on your

hand, it's a really hard thing to manage. And unless they're able to do some self-reflection and change that, there will probably come a time where that defensiveness turns into resentment, turns into them feeling like they're being micromanaged and they probably will end up leaving because you can't change that for them, unfortunately. It's something that they need to become aware of and they need to work on as part of this feedback loop. But yeah, it is really hard to manage, really hard. I experienced something that's called, it's got an actual name, it's either rejection-sensitive dysphoria. It can also be called criticism-sensitive dysphoria. and it is this heightened emotional response to perceived criticism and I didn't know that it

existed until a couple of years ago but there are two things that I actually think existed within me that the person you're dealing with could potentially have and the reason I'm bringing it up is because you could maybe navigate it in a different way one is that if you do have someone who is particularly sensitive to criticism it will be worse if they don't feel appreciated for the things that they do do 100 so and I'm not saying that you should go around being like you're the best like don't infantize it but I remember being particularly sensitive to things where I'm like that is a 0.1 percent of what I do you're criticizing me and you're not actually recognizing every and this goes for not just work it's also within the household it's also within

your friendships like I would be really sensitive to it when I'm like but how is that a problem in your mind when like I've done everything else everything else and I bust my ass and like that was the way that I was so immediately defensive and I know that personally I had to work through that and realize it wasn't a personal attack and like I said it existed in every one of my relationships not just in my employment but the other is I think if it's a particular criticism that that person holds as like a personality trait so if you're giving them criticism and they perceive it as you're attacking who they are. And I know that that can be really hard for bosses because it's not really your job. Like you said, it's not your job to be a therapist, but if you're

bringing up something for someone like being forgetful about certain things. And I know that that is something that's really hard as a boss. The reason the person might have a heightened reaction to that is because they actually know for it to be true within themselves. And they know that they need to work on that. And again, it's not something that you have to navigate as a boss. it's just that something that maybe if you could have more of an understanding about that and why they react that way you might be able to get to like a solution better so that can be something that I actually do recommend instead of just going in with the criticism you can actually go in with the solution so like laws you've done this with me with certain things to do with design we've

spoken about this on the podcast before but with everything that we make in Canberra I'm not naturally good at it and it used to stress me out a lot because I would be like I'm not good at this I'm trying really hard, but I seem to be keeping on getting it wrong and wrong and wrong and wrong. And now you just come in and you're like, hey, I'm going to make some templates for you. Hey, you've diverted a bit too far away from it. Let's bring it back to this.

This is how I want things. And so when you present me with the solution, I find it so much easier to be like, oh, okay. You know what I mean? It makes it less personal when you have a solution presented. Yeah. And I mean, like, firstly, Keish, I'm not talking about you when I say I've had to deal with it. This is something I really struggled with a couple of years ago.

A hundred percent. But I genuinely, just so you know, that was not an inference about you at all. I completely agree that sometimes feedback feels overwhelming when there isn't the positive affirmations to like kind of front load it. And I'm not saying that you do it as a shit sandwich all the time, but like, if you're never saying, Hey, you've done a great job, but you're only giving feedback, then it's natural for that feedback to be perceived as just constant criticism. The only other thing I want to add on this is, I know you said that as a boss, you're not a therapist, but actually being a manager or being in a managerial position or being a quote unquote boss where you manage people, not workload is a very specific skillset. And I know

you know this because that is the role you're in, but it takes a very specific type of person to be able to manage people, not manage work. And I think you can't have the attitude of like, I'm not a therapist because actually it is a responsibility of a manager to change your managing style to suit the people in the team that you're managing. So if you have someone who is super critical, super sensitive to criticism, you can't use the same style that you might use with another person that's really efficient. You do have to look at like, what can you do to make the team as cohesive as possible? And so I actually do think, not that you want to sit there and hear about their dating dramas or like, you know, their life story, but there is a type of therapy that's

needed to be able to get the best out of your staff and that's a really really important part of what makes someone a good boss and a good manager next question question number two how do my best friend and i tell our other very good mutual friend that she is simply not invited on our holiday hey girls love the pod and in need of some big sister advice my best friend and i are planning a two-week international holiday we have traveled together many times and are super excited however last time we went away we brought a third friend with us we did have a good time however upon reflection we have both separately come to the conclusion that she doesn't match our travel vibe and we are generally not travel compatible my bestie and i have been friends for 10 years now

but we fear our newer friend will be really hurt when she hears that we have planned a trip just the two of us again what is the best way to go about telling her she can at times be quite sensitive oh we're really getting into the sensitive questions today which we love and adore about her and has had toxic friendships in the past which has left her being a bit insecure about friendship the simple solution is just to invite her but deep down we know we won't enjoy our time and be able to relax if she comes we don't want to be bitches but every way we look at this we just feel the worst hell do you know this depends and you haven't given us the information it depends if she's already on the holiday and you're trying to like have you already talked

about all going away together and now you're trying to say oh we actually want to go the two of us or is it it hasn't ever been a discussion in any capacity because if it hasn't been a discussion like you guys haven't been talking about going to America together and then you're booking your own trip I don't think it has to be a big deal like you've been friends with your other friend for 10 years so like you would have gone on loads of holidays together it's I find it an interesting expectation that the same group of friends goes on every single holiday together Yeah, I agree. Yeah, like there's family holidays and then some people come

on the family holidays and then there's just a friend holiday and then there's a different group of friends holidays. And like the three of us in this room spend so much time together, we all are constantly going away with different people and none of us are like, why wasn't I invited? And I don't know the structure of your trip, but I think if it wasn't pre-planned, I would just book the trip and start to talk about it like you're doing it,

but not rub it in her face, but like, oh, we're going to be away in September Kisha and I are heading over to New York like just it's just a part of your life like you know what I mean you don't need to I don't know I know what you're saying but I think it depends on how intensely even though she's a newer friend it depends on how intensely their friendship has become a trio and I think that that's a really important part of this because I think about some of my friends and some of the groups of friends I've had over the years and there definitely have been times where you know I've had like my closest friend just say kaya who i've been friends with for forever and then someone else has become part of our little

group and we've done things as a three and that would have felt very isolating if i was like actually not going with you just going with her when you do everything else together all the dinners are as a three the group chats are three like i can get why and clearly there must be more to this little friendship group of the three of them for her to feel as though it is a big deal to leave this person out i personally think that the only way you can be totally fine with this is by being absolutely honest from the get-go and and like you said brit being like you know we're booking a holiday totally is she going to be upset probably probably yeah like yes and and the fact that you're saying like i feel like the worst but you're not willing to compromise you

don't want her to go there you've actually said you'll have not a good time if she's there which i would say is pretty harsh not a good time but what you've said is really accurate travel compatibility is a huge so big like I have friends that I'm really good friends with but we're not good travelers because we like different things one person likes to lay down and read a book all day and one person likes to go hiking and then they want to go on to this tourist location then they want you know they're non-stop planning that's me go and do something that you know she will hate but what is like her worst most hated activity and book that in first and say we're going plum picking in Portugal or whatever it is but it's more awkward because the other friend

has now been on a holiday with them that's okay that's not a ticket to the rest of their life like I don't know this one's weird for me not weird I understand it and friendships I find I find friendships harder to have conversations than relationships like relationships you can just go up to your partner with a problem and you spit it out and you deal with it and I don't know I just feel like it hits different friendships are different when you have an issue and you want to go and speak to them it's because there's more nuance yeah it lingers and it's like when it's your partner it's one person I mean if you're in a monogamous relationship it's one person that you're choosing to go and either go on a holiday with them or go on a holiday with your friend

it's it's like there's not really a lot of holiday so I mean an issue totally but I think the thing with friendships is that sometimes when instances like this occur what you're showing them is that there is a hierarchy to your affection for them so that what you're saying in this and it might not be the case. You might love them equally, but just hate traveling with her. But that still feels that there is a hierarchy to the person who is being not invited, right? It's what you're saying is, is I want to do this with this person, but I don't want to do it with you. That nuance really can be hurtful depending on how invested you are in the friendship. You can't control how, whether she's sad or not. You can't control whether she feels left out. You can't control

whether she says, oh, actually, I really would love to come. Because the thing is, how are you going to respond if she goes can I come too are you going to say no like because she might ask that so you need to be very clear when you say this to her we've decided that we're just going to go on a trip we want to just do the two of us that needs to be said because I do think that her response especially if she's assuming that now you guys holiday is a trio is going to be oh my god I'll come too I'd love to go to New York or maybe what you do is like plan something else with the three of you like a weekend away or a long week like something smaller that you're all doing so she still feels there's an inclusion and she doesn't feel completely left out like you

could do something like that as well but you're not gonna go you're just not most people get one holiday a year like we work we grind so hard you get your holiday a year you don't want to have to go and spend it with somebody you don't want to or doing things you don't want to totally in a way that you don't want and that doesn't have to be nasty and malicious but like exactly what I just said you can love someone so much and your travel style doesn't fit and it can be the make or break of a relationship I remember I actually broke up with my boyfriend because he farted wasn't it yeah but it was I broke up with him in America I say because it was farted but it was actually because we had been together for long distance shock about eight five no five to six seven months right but

so we we were like and when I say long distance Sydney and Port Macquarie so it's like we still saw each other every second weekend but we didn't live together and we weren't together every day so we like knew who each other were in terms of like how we got along we had fun together we had great chemistry and whatever else but I had this pre-planned trip on my own to America and that was before I met him and he was like well I've got holidays too why don't I come and I was like oh I'm pretty happy on my own but then I thought you know what if I want this to progress why wouldn't I go on a holiday with someone so I said sure come along without any discussion of what kind of travelers we are and my god I never ever could have stayed in that relationship because of how

different we were all he wanted to do across america he came so when we got on the plane we brought out our list of what we wanted to do mine was like hiking yosemite tours around san francisco like real sightseeing things and he brought his list and it was a list of restaurants around the country that he wanted to go to that's all he wanted to do so he wanted to go to texas just to go to this barbecue restaurant and then he wanted to and i just thought a mix of those things isn't like the hiking and then the restaurant and kind of like the whole purpose of Well, it was different. He didn't want to do any of that.

He wasn't like an adventure kind of person and I don't want to spend my $10,000 travelling to America to go to a barbecue. To sit in a barbecue. Yeah, I just realised we were different. We weren't compatible for that kind of a relationship. And then he farted in front of Britt and Britt got the ick and she broke up. No, do you remember what it was?

He farted all the time. It wasn't once. He farted all the time and it stung so bad. And then we had a fight one day. He got angry because I said, fuck. I remember he's like, don't speak like that. It's disgusting. And I was like, we just go to your Texan restaurant.

I was like, oh, I'm leaving. And then I went and finished the rest of my marriage by myself. But that was like, I'll never forget realizing how incompatible we were on that travel, in that travel realm. So it's like, it is a really big thing and it can really ruin your holiday. Yeah, I agree. The only, okay, so I flipped a little bit. You can lie.

You can lie slightly. you can just say that one of you got a really great discount on a hotel but the room is only for two people like the packages are two people you can't there's no point lying because you can do it like because then she'll say that's okay i'll book my own room there's no point lying you just say this is what we do we're going on a trip we'll see in two weeks gotta be honest just rip the band-aid off and yeah give us some insecurities mute her from instagram no no okay this is a bit of a long one strap in I feel inadequate around my partner's smart and rich friend group oh I'm 30 years old I work as a casual in three separate jobs my partner is 32 and a doctor and a business

owner we have been together for three years his friends are lovely people and have always made an effort to make me feel really welcome Keisha did you write this question she for sure did no but I feel like I'll relate however no you won't you won't relate at all however every time I leave a gathering, I feel less than. They all make at least five times my income. They all own properties. Some are quite lavish. When we go out to dinner, it's often fine dining and we split the bill. They don't have to think twice about booking business class. I think twice about purchasing coffee. They spent their youths in selective schools and I spent mine in intensive sports programs. They spent their 20s working hard for money while I spent mine working hard on creative

projects. They're all incredibly intelligent and witty. I find myself going into the group and blanking when I'm addressed directly out of anxiety of saying something that might sound stupid, which ironically makes me appear stupid. I love my partner. He's a wonderful person. I just can't help the intrusive thoughts that if I don't fit in with his friends group, how is it going to be that we can fit together? I do sometimes worry that in an attempt to create a yin-yang relationship, I am forcing myself into a box that I just don't fit into. And is that creating an unnecessary feeling of inadequacy? Is it putting too much external pressure to change my true core values of creativity and adventure? So my question is, have you ever experienced very real feelings of

financial inadequacy in a relationship and how do you combat it? Secondly, when I raise concerns around these feelings to my partner, should he be doing more to placate me or are my insecurities ultimately my own problem? The very first thing I want to say in response to your question is how emotionally aware and intelligent you sound in what you have written. Like the fact that you're like, I don't think I'm as smart compared to these people. Even the question in and of itself is a very like well put together, smart question. You have a lot of insights into how you feel about, I guess your own emotional intelligence is shining through is what I'm trying to say. Is this your own insecurities? I want to start with the end. Is this your own

insecurities or is it something that he should placate? Your partner should understand and I guess like listen to the insecurities that you have it's not his job to fix those insecurities he's not going to stop hanging out with his friends I don't know what you want him to do in that environment that would satisfy or satiate those insecurities because at the moment it seems as though they're coming from the comparison that you're making against his friends it's not that his friends are doing anything or saying anything that specifically makes you feel the way that you you do. And what I mean by that is that they've been super warm and welcoming. They're integrating you into the conversation. Like they want to get to know you. Like they, it sounds like his

friendship group and him are doing everything that they can to make you feel as included as possible. The insecurities that you have are coming from within you. The only other part to this that I think is something you really have to work on is your partner chose you because he likes you for who you are he likes that you're creative he likes that you're different to the people he goes to work with like he intentionally chose you you dated he thinks you're fucking amazing and he wakes up every morning and continues to choose you so unless there's cracks in your relationship or there's cracks in the way that your partner is showing up in the relationship or in how insecure he's making you feel if those things don't exist there really has to be a mindset

shift that happens somewhere along the line that's within you because you're the one that is creating this insecurity and you're the one that is snowballing this problem. I think you underestimate how amazing it is to be different and add something different to a friendship group. It is so boring when everyone in the same group does the same job, talks about the same things all day, does the same things in their pastime, studies the same things, has the same opinions. It is boring. I think you underestimate how much you can bring I do think that when you're in those situations you are sabotaging yourself by saying when they speak to me directly I'm so worried about sounding stupid that I don't say anything at all yeah do

not overthink what you're saying just be you like that's why you're there it's why your partner's chosen you you underestimate how fascinating you would be to them because you have a different quality of life you've lived a different life your youth was different like if they're all at this private school studying and you were out playing cricket or whatever else like you can add so much to a conversation and again like you know Laura said it but like your partner chose you for a reason financially it's a bit trickier financially because men and women if someone is earning significantly less there can be feelings of I'm not bringing as much to the table but that doesn't mean that the relationship is not equal like it's very rare in a relationship that two

people come together and earn exactly the same amount of money like there's always some kind of a disparity they're all doctors chances are with you and your three casual jobs they are going to earn more than you but that doesn't make you less than as a person and who you are and what you can contribute to a friend group like money is the smallest amount of what you bring to a group when you go to dinner and you are talking to people money is the smallest thing on that table the only thing is if they're making you feel that way because they're all look they're a group of doctors i spent 13 years in a hospital dating a doctor with doctors surrounding by doctors there are some beautiful doctors like kisha's partner there are some fucking wankers there

there's a big god so like you should know but there's real god there can be real god complexes and sometimes when they get together there can be and i'm thinking back to my own experiences there can be like a real who's dick is bigger competition who's got the bigger property portfolio like and those conversations can come without it looking like they're trying to top each other but that's also their interest so if they're talking about their investments it's it's because that that's a big part of their life but that shouldn't make you feel smaller than now this is your insecurity that you need to deal with but your partner does need to make you feel comfortable as well so he can't just be like you need to deal with this he also needs to be

reiterating to you that like babe they love you I love you you're the best like don't like don't overthink this the only thing though when so when you talk about money that is a part that I think that there is like tangible consideration on this though because if he's choosing the restaurant if the friends are choosing the restaurant if your partner is fully aware that your income isn't at a place where like going to a you know a fine dining restaurant is a suitable option for you on a Saturday night and everyone's ordering cocktails and expects to split the bill he needs to without that feeling as though like it's a big deal like he needs to step up and front some of those costs well I was just assuming that he would yeah I mean I hope that he is I hope that you're

not getting there and then it's like everyone splits the bill and you guys like going 50 50 because that I want you to know that that's actually not parody if he earns a lot of money you're not earning much money and he's choosing a really fancy restaurant but then everyone's splitting 50 50 that is not equality or the definition of what that is is that he leaves still financially benefiting and then you leave with only x amount of dollars left in your bank yeah i didn't even mention that because i've just made the assumption if five doctors are going out and you've brought your wife then they've chosen a fancy restaurant and the doctors are splitting that like totally not because they're doctors but the men the five men and you that's been brought

along as his partner they're going to split that bill and that's not a like men should pay thing but like if they're choosing a fancy restaurant and they all know that they earn five times in your words five times more than you do then like your if your partner is then making you split the bill that's a different conversation that you're having at home 100 and i i mean i'm we're all guessing because we don't know you didn't actually say that part but you did say that like financially it makes you insecure whatever it is i do think that there is a point i think you're very self aware of it you are sabotaging this and the fact that you're aware of it means you can do something about it. And I think don't overthink it. You know, you can talk to your partner about it,

but definitely don't ruminate in talking to your partner about it because that's also something that will then snowball into a bigger thing. I think you just have to suck it up and go in there and be better at making conversation in terms of like being better at not like bracing yourself for when they speak to you directly, but be the initiator of those conversations. I'm sure you do that in your normal life. The more you ask questions about them, the more that they're going to return serve and ask questions about you. And the more time you spend with them, the more comfortable you're going to be with them. It is literally an exposure thing. All right. Last question. My best friend behaved badly and was mad at me because I didn't side

with her. Now, my best friend of 20 years, let's call her Sam, recently had a huge fight with her other friendship group. Long story short, there was alcohol involved and Sam said some rather horrible things to her friends, including patronizing comments about the unfortunate financial position of one of them and mocking another's recent breakup sounds like she was a real piece of work i was not there for the incident but had other people who were at the bar reach out to me to come and pick her up plus her behavior was so big and screamy that the incident was filmed and shared around our town sounds is this my first time it was brooke sam's version of events is very different to that of her friends but the videos simply do not lie and to be honest

everything she's said in the moment are things that she has told me before. I have tried to raise it with Sam that she was unkind and needs to be accountable for her actions. But now she's mad at me for not siding with her. A few years ago, Sam helped me through a really rough patch and has brought this up, stating that I owe her for the help and support that she once gave me. I don't believe that her behavior should be excused and Sam should be held accountable for her nasty comments. I also don't want to lose a friend of 20 years by not supporting her through this incident what do you think I should do this is literally I'm not joking this is literally the themes coming out of Married at First Sight I'm pretty sure this is yeah if you

if you haven't watched it but anyway what I'm going to say is basically what I would say to the contestants on Married at First Sight on Married at First Sight there's a real theme at the moment for this season of like ride or die like you're my ride or die you didn't support me out there like maybe when one of them is attacking someone else or there's some bullying or whatever it's like you should have had my back you're my ride or die I think that's rubbish I think you've done exactly the right thing a ride or die and a true friend of 20 years is somebody that can hold a mirror up to their friend and say this doesn't make me love you less but that's not cool like I'm not just going to stand by and say that what you did is fine because we're friends

when it's not fine like your behavior morally was despicable and like that I'm not okay with it and i think that when it's this idea of like i'm angry at you for not having my back when i did something that was really horrible you're still there supporting her which is that's the main thing right you haven't abandoned her you're still there and you're like i'm still supporting you i'm still your friend but i'm also going to be honest enough with you to say that you can't speak to people like that you also got called to pick her up because she was so inebriated and screaming at people that she like the thing is you got dragged into this you didn't ask to be dragged into it this you weren't there and you're getting phone calls from other people who were like dude come

and get your fucking friend because she's being insane totally so you are involved whether you like it or not you're involved videos don't lie I know that sometimes they omit context and and some context is required there may be a reason why she got really angry and started lashing out I'm sure there is a reason and I'm sure that reason has some validity it doesn't excuse her reaction to how she responded to that. And the reality is the reason why she responded to it is probably because she drank too much. I'm sure when she doesn't drink like that, she's not that version or that nasty or that screamy or whatever it was. So I think that there is a way that you can approach this, which hopefully will not just like make her take some accountability, but it

will also explain to her that the reason that you are, I guess, like coming at it from this angle is because you've also been put into a hard position this idea that because she supported you once in the past or a really hard period of your life seems very unfair that she's brought this up because what she's saying is my support for you is conditional and it's conditional on the fact that you back me regardless of my behavior and that is a very unfair condition to put on someone it's not like i'm going to support you through something that was hard for you but you didn't actually do anything wrong like let's say just manipulation yeah let's say it was like a breakup or a death or grief or like something that's out of your control where

your behavior isn't what was the question it's different if you behave like an absolute fuckhead and she was she supported you through that and didn't question you if it's something that was out of your control she supported you the fact that she's using that now as a condition for why you should support her wrong behavior it's irrelevant and that in and of itself just shows that this behavior is like quite it's quite insidious i actually had that exact situation like a year or so ago i had a friend who was doing and saying some things that were really bad and i didn't agree with i let it slide for a little while because it was just the way that they felt and then it got so bad that i ended up having to pull the pin on the friendship because i was like

this is actually not in alignment with us anymore we've grown apart which is fine like that's what happens it wasn't a big fallout but it was like let's just call a spade a spade this is not going anywhere anymore and that is what she came to with a list of things that she had done for me in the past or a list of things that she'd been moments that she'd been there for me she kept the score she kept a score and it was she wrote this really long list to me about like basically like how dare I some people have those feelings and but I said I said that doesn't negate what you've done now like but it shows that they think friendship is transactional yeah like I did is for you it's exactly the same as what we just said the theme on Married at First Sight this

ride or die in relationships and friendships it's like it doesn't exist you can always be there and support somebody but it doesn't mean that you have to drop your morals and boundaries in the way you think that's not what support is in fact I would go so far as to say a real friend is somebody that does come to you at that moment and say you're actually in the wrong here but I love you still I love you still I'm still here for you but what you just said in terms of this like point scoring in friendships I think that that is just someone who point scores in all relationships they would probably do it in their romantic relationships as well they would keep track of the things and how they were wronged and they're the person that drags them up when you're in a fresh new argument

like it's a really hard that's a really hard thing to navigate the problem is you guys have been friends for a very long time you clearly love her her behavior was disgusting but you still want to maintain a friendship I don't think that you can force her into taking accountability if she's not willing to, but I do think that you can have a conversation around the fact that maybe because she was drinking, she isn't a good judgment of her own memory around how intense her behavior became. The reality is there is a video that is evidence and proof. Surely she has seen it. Surely she can also say, yeah, that video is pretty bad. I think the way in which you could approach this is like, I know that you want me to back you blindly in this situation.

I love you blindly, but I do think that the video was really confronting to watch. How do you feel about the video? Like when you see yourself like that, how do you feel about that? And see what she says. Because if she's like, I don't fucking care. I don't think I'm in the wrong. You're going to go nowhere. There's nothing you can do and say that's going to change her mind.

So you just have to give that some breathing space. But if she's like, yeah, I hate that I was like that, but X, Y, Z happened. and that's what made me like that, then I think that that gives you more of a leeway to have a discussion about it. But at the end of the day, everything you said, Brit, you can't back someone blindly if you know the behavior was not okay. And if it means that you are compromising your moral compass to blindly support someone, that's not what friendship is. That's not what all relationships are. It's the same as like, if your kid did something really wrong. Like if my kid, when they're a grown-up does something horrible I will love them I'm still gonna tell them that

behavior is not okay I'm not gonna be the person that's blindly allowing the behavior because the thing is is that the behavior will just continue right they'll just do it again and you'll be in this situation another time when she drinks too much and screams at someone in a bar well also the thing is this is obviously a really small town because you said the video has been shared around the town yeah mud sticks it makes me feel like it's a really small community like wherever you are but that being said that's probably why it's a hard for her to go and say I'm sorry and apologize and own up to it because that's always really awkward but b that's why she needs to do that because if you don't do that there is going to be a divide that you're really

going to feel in that in that friendship group in that town and the things she said that you've written down are just fucking mean like you know going someone for their financial positions like going people about their relationship like it's just mean and even if you have a gripe that's okay you can have issues with people but it's the way in which she's taken aim at stuff that's deeply personal and hurtful and surely she can see that and if she can't see that then like is somebody who cannot take accountability when there is arguments a friendship that you want to be that deep in where they expect you to blindly follow them do you guys think there is a difference though between supporting someone publicly versus privately as in like does this friend expect you

to support her publicly around the town yes i think that's exactly what it is but you can call them out in private you know like is it you don't need to get a responsibility of a friendship no i think the difference of that is is like just because you're friends with someone if their behavior was terrible you don't need to go in and fight in the front line with them you don't need to do that in the town like you don't need to be out in the streets being like fuck you like she didn't she's no like it's not that i i think it's more just like there's obviously been a fallout in the friendship group and she's saying, why didn't you have my back to them, like to this group?

I think it's more within the group. She obviously just sat back idly, picked her up, took her home, but hasn't defended her. I think it's that. It's not like you're walking down with posters in the street being like. But maybe that's what the friend expects. No, it is. She wants that, yeah, and I just think she hasn't done that.

She hasn't gone over to her friends and been like back off her, which is fine. But the thing is you also can't blindly back her. You weren't there. But you also don't agree with it. You've seen it. you've seen the video but you weren't physically there like I mean if this was reverse engineered and say like you guys were somewhere Brit you went crazy by all accounts and then you're like

why don't you have my back I was like Brit I wasn't there I'm not how do you think I probably would say that how do you expect me to get involved when I wasn't there and also the video I saw of you you were absolutely hammered like I don't want to be involved in this is probably how I would approach it more so than like backing you or not backing you do you know where I think the happy medium is like the more I think about it I think the happy medium is if you know who this person is and you know that this is like not really her but she was drunk and inappropriate I'd have that conversation with your friend for sure like exactly what we said love you this is not cool though you went too far just so you know I think you should apologize the way that you can

have her back and still support her is to have that exact conversation with the other group of friends I know that was cooked but I know she didn't mean it like we know she has a good heart we know it was inappropriate and she was drunk but like let's meet in the middle i think that's a really good way of unless she actually is like this all the time but if you know it was just because she was wasted and she was doing insane things that she might not normally say that's a way for you to have her back and say hey i get that that was cooked i'm sorry that they even happened but like she we know she's a good person maybe that is the meat in the middle so you you are defending her in a way you're not defending her actions but you're defending who she is as

a person you're still trying to bridge the gap i don't know that girl it's really hard when people won't take any accountability isn't it totally it really is anyway look guys that is it from us if you have any questions for ask uncut slide on into the dms at life uncut podcast you can also join the discussion at in our discussion group on facebook life uncut discussion group and if you have an an aftermath aftermath is like specifically we want you to write those in we have an aftermath coming up soon or anything else you want from us accidentally unfiltered send them on in and you know the drill say mom toy dad toy dog to your friends and share the love because we love love