Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Ctl Alt Delete your ex? Navigating fertility talk

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Here we answer your deep dark and burning questions for the week. Therapy Thursday!Should you delete photos of your ex? Staying with a partner because of pregnancy, and how to tell a friend who has recently miscarried that you're pregnant?It's a big one!If you love listening, please hit subscribe, 5 stars, leave a review and share the love, because, well, we love love. XSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome back guys to another episode of Life Uncut. It is Therapy Thursday and this is our Ask Uncut edition. this is where you guys write in all your questions some are super deep and super heavy some are a little bit more light-hearted and relatable either way we can't get enough of them and we are here to help that was a good intro admit it you don't know where to go from there yeah you really stumped me no I'm also getting over the fact that um we did try and just record another intro and I just had one of those moments where my brain was thinking and my mouth was doing something completely different and it happened about seven times in a row so literally it was the biggest brain fight

I've ever seen. Yeah we may have to call an ambulance if this continues and then also we just realized that we weren't actually recording with one of the microphones so I was legitimately just talking to myself for four minutes. If you didn't glance down and look at that we would have done a whole episode of you talking to yourself. That would have been like a normal day in my life that is how it goes from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed. Guys we look not a lot has happened in our life between our last episode because we only recorded Tuesday's episode last night speak for yourself i read a great article today about how a man in odaha is odaha a place utah it's no it's like idaho i'm from odaha idaho uh ate 157 blueberries in a minute so that was my

highlight is that a record yes it's a guinness record this man actually has multiple guinness records i don't know how i stumbled onto this uh article i reckon i could do that 157 blueberries in a minute blueberries are pretty small you have to eat them though you can only pick them up with one hand and eat them one at a time oh that's different i just picture picking them up in two hands and like shoving my face in there over the pun it is oh that's different because then that's more about being speedy gonzalez with like fine motor skills that's what he said he's like it's all about skill speed so much skill to eat blueberries in a minute so yeah look you know what my day has been wild this guy's a blueberry farmer isn't he no he just lives in odaha he lives

In a far off magical made up place. I love that. Wow. Anyway, so yeah, these are the people who you trust to give their unqualified opinions on your problems. Thank you for coming to my therapy session. Okay. And that's us out.

I actually have a question that someone in my life brought to me today and I am going to bring it to you. Are we going to oust the person? Not. Okay. Very discreet. All right. This is almost like, okay, you have to bear with me in this tall tale

because I almost feel like it was out of a movie. If I didn't know, if someone wrote this in, I would have called their bluff and said, no way. But they didn't. It's come from a reliable source. So this is my friend asking me today and it's his friend. So it's not him. He's like, look, I want your opinion on this.

All these guys went out, this big group of friends, okay, and they're all foreign. They're all from overseas. They're all different travelers, but they've been living here for a few years. Expats. And you know what it's like. They all want to move here. everyone wants to move to australia he's a bit of a this guy the friend's a bit of a like a player

he's really smooth with the ladies he's 30 he sees this girl at the bar with a friend young both youngish looking but like different ages looks cute he goes over and starts to chat them up ask them to come join the boys table so these two women come join the table about three quarters through the night they come to the realization that one of the girls that he really likes and he's hitting on is only 18 and the other girl is not a girl but is in fact her mum so this girl and her mum have gone out like partying okay wow what a weird what a compliment to be that mum that's certainly not going to be me and marley they're going to be like yeah marley hanging out with her grandma again so it gets weirder right he's hitting on this girl who's 11 years younger

than him 12 years younger than him big age gap anyway in front of her mom and her mom's cool with it they end up going on a few dates wait all of them or the young girl and the young girl and your age gap yeah okay right young girl and the guy end up going on two dates i'm sticking with you with the story it's worth it it's worth it i'm on the i'm on the roller coaster get me there they're on the second date and for stepping out for some reason the mum has to pick them up from the date and takes them home i don't know why i don't know if they can't afford an uber i don't know if they don't have their own car she had to come and pick them up they go back to the her house the 18 year old's house they've hooked up and stuff keep this in

mind then they sit down together the mum says i have something i want to ask you i think you're great i think you're handsome i know you want to live in australia i know you are a good guy i know you want permanent residency i want to have a child i want you to be the father of my child and i know i know stay with me so she's 41 she decides she wants another child because she's single she's asking this is a ploy not a ploy i don't want to say a ploy because i don't know but the daughter is in on it but if this happens if this happens and he agrees to do it it means that his son or daughter is going to be also the brother to the girl he was dating this is just a very very close family obviously she wants his sperm like obviously she wants him to be a sperm

donor like that's what this is she's not saying i want to sleep with you or anything it's like well i don't know the specifics it just said i put it into a turkey baster and do it in the room next door i imagine it's sperm donor because that's even more messed up if she wants to be sleeping with her daughter sleeping with but it means that his child is the brother or sister to the person that he was sleeping with which would then also end up potentially being his stepmom if he married the girl exactly i feel like there is a lot of layers here i don't think you're posing this if you're posing this as a question that you want me to answer this is way above my skill set my friend said to me what do you think he should do if he's a little bit tempted to get

permanent residency and I said straight up this doesn't give him permanent residency if she has said that to him no having a child in a country doesn't allow you to have permanent residency I have no idea yeah it's really hard to move to Australia but I just and he asked me because his friend came to him and said what do you reckon I should do he's like I don't know I know a girl that answers questions so he comes to me he says what do you think you should do and I was like I don't know I've got a podcast partner this is so far above our pay grade that I actually don't know how to answer this um I think that there are many many crazy people out there who like to do crazy things not gonna shame them um you can always ask the question and if you don't ask

you don't get I just it just sounded like a movie and I was like is this actually happening I think he would be crazy to go through with it but you know whatever makes him happy but I once got asked so this was this is so many years ago but um when I was dating a guy that I was with for six years we lived together in a little tiny bedroom studio and his best well one of his best mates that he'd become really good friends with that year prior was this Italian guy who owned the cafe down the road that we used to go to. And he had started this cafe, but he was only on like a student working visa. It was all very dodgy. Anyway, it came to a point where he had very limited time left on his visa and hadn't sorted out another option to stay. And this Italian guy had approached

my ex-boyfriend, funnily enough that he's my ex, had approached my ex-boyfriend at the time and was like, hey, how would you feel if I pay you a certain amount of money and I marry Laura to get permanent residency and my boyfriend came to me and proposed the question was like so this is what we're thinking how do you feel about this and I was like not good not good it reminds me of a time I had to fight off people that were trying to buy my sister in Morocco for like 20 chickens because she's blonde and beautiful they're like yeah 20 chickens three camels and I was like no They're like, fine, we'll throw in a donkey. She is at least 17 camels and some sort of alpaca.

I was like, does this girl look like five camel girl? No, she is a 25 camel girl. We've obviously never been in a situation where we want to stay in a country that we aren't entitled to stay at or it's, you know, we're not able to stay at. So I can understand the desperation for it. Maybe this woman thinks that he's at a point or he's desperate enough to give her something that she's after. And I mean, there is obviously a very unusually close relationship between her and her daughter,

but everyone's different and different strokes with different folks. I'm not going to judge, but I'm also not going to touch that one with a 10 foot pole. No, I legitimately just wanted to share it because I thought it was a crazy story. But anyway, let's jump into some real questions. As always, every week you send in your questions. Britt and I, well actually mostly Britt, Britt picks out her favourites. I've picked out a couple today though. So, you know, hold on to your panties and we do our absolute best to answer them.

And this one has just come through. So I'm going to jump in first. Hey guys, love the podcast. Not a necessary part of this question, but really wanted to throw that in. I want your opinion on when am I supposed to delete photos from a past relationship? I'm 26 and had a fairly amicable breakup with a boyfriend of four years, about a year ago. We are still occasionally in contact. We send a message here and there to keep in touch with one another. But from my side, there are definitely no romantic feelings left. And we most definitely will not be getting back together my problem is because he never wronged me in any way we just grew apart I still cherish our memories together so what do I do with all

the photos together on my phone and on Instagram especially if I get a new partner in the future help I feel very strongly about this that I don't think anyone ever needs to delete or wipe out a part of their life I think that especially because she has saying but she's especially because she has said it ended amicably they're on good terms she's got no romantic feelings for him I don't see why you need to delete those photos if it's not hurting you to look at and you're you're looking back on that memory fondly I think it's okay because what it comes down to is this person was a large chapter of your life you had a lot of memories with them you probably went through a lot with them you experienced a lot from them you learned a lot from them and I feel like it's

wiping out a whole section of your life that I don't think you need to do I love the fact that I have found photographs of my mum's ex-boyfriends when she was like 17 18 19 she just has like a you know when you're young and you kept all your photos in a shoebox she's got a burn box but I'm so and even dad dad was like oh what was his name again you know like I'm fascinated by it I was like mum you dated this guy like this is your life before dad and she's like yeah we used to do this and it was just it's really nice to see that it's a part of someone's life because it is it helps shape who you are I think that if it's been a really really bad ending and when you look at these photos it gives you these really negative feelings and it brings you down and it

reminds you of bad times sure wipe that shit but no I don't think that even if you meet someone new you need to delete those photos at all I totally agree with you Brit the only thing that I would say to kind of elaborate on that is if you have photos on your Instagram, which are extremely couple-y, i.e. you're making out with each other or like, I don't know, just like, oh my God, I love you. Never going to love anybody like I love you. If you're someone who really proclaims their love on public, if you're someone who really proclaims their love on social media, then maybe there are a few that you might want to curate and remove, you know, purely because it might make a future partner feel jealous, but you know, it's not a necessity.

it's definitely not something that you have to do. And, and I, I'm exactly in the same thought as I'm exactly in the same boat and way of thinking as Brit that, you know, these people are a part of your life. They're a part of your identity. They're a part of your history and you don't have to absolutely scrap and totally clean the slate for every new person that comes along. I mean, I have photos of my ex-boyfriends on Facebook. I mean, I don't really use Facebook that much anymore, but I have photos of them. Like they're all there if I ever want to go back and look at them because I would hate to completely remove 15 years of my life that I've shared and that have shaped me. Um, but in saying that there are some relationships who I still have some

resentment towards the person because of the way that they treated me. Um, and because the way that things ended and they're people who I don't really want to remember their photos. I don't want to reflect on. Um, and they're not memories that make me feel happy because of, you know, even though that of course there were great times in our relationship it was very much clouded by the toxicity that was going on so for my own mental health they're the ones that I delete and remove entirely but I think it's been a year everyone expects you to have history everyone expects you to have a past any new partner who finds that intimidating has some issues of themselves to deal with so I think it's totally fine to keep photos of your ex on your Instagram yeah for an

example actually I was just thinking about this as you were saying that my partner of eight years we ended i've said that before we ended really well we just grew apart nothing happened we were amicable when i moved on to my only other real relationship he was the sociopath i remember him saying delete every single photo of him delete it i don't want to see it don't know about it i shouldn't have to see it and i i thank the lord i was at a young age vulnerable age but i was strong enough to say well hang on no i don't want to do that because he was really pushing me to delete them and this was back when like I don't you don't have a backup you don't have like hard drives and things back then it was just like stuff on if I deleted those I would have lost them

forever he wanted me to wipe out eight years my whole teenage life into my early 20s of I was with this guy every day we did so much together we traveled the world we moved cities we bought houses and he wanted me to wipe that I said no he finally got on board and what ended up happening was two years later when I found he was a psycho I wiped him I deleted like everything of him because I he brought me nothing but pain whereas the first relationship brought me nothing but like fond amazing memories so I think this is a really important lesson in that yeah and it's a reflection of insecurity if somebody is making you remove a whole chunk of your past I think I do think that it's important to kind of draw a line in the sand with like photos that are provocative though like

for example, I don't want to see photos in Matt's phone of his ex-girlfriend topless, not interested, delete them, put them somewhere where I'm never going to see them, put them somewhere where hopefully you're never going to see them. Like that sort of stuff. I think that there are definitely some things that out of respect for your partner and respect for your current relationship, you definitely would delete from your phone. But if it's just photos of your past and photos of you together, then like, that's so fine. Question number two. I just want to say that i also agree with that i don't mean like keep topless photos dude that shit's not cool i mean like here we are at the eiffel tower here we are in front of our totally like

there's no there's no need i mean like i think that a lot of people might keep a random photo by accident like it's that's totally excusable behavior but if you're like partner has a folder of photos of their ex-girlfriend okay so this is my story i knew there was something deeper here It's coming. So the guy who I deleted from my life entirely, who I said that my whole relationship was shrouded in toxicity. We had broken up, gotten back together. I've talked about him loads on this podcast. Um, we were away in Bali after just getting back together, um, for like the seventh time in a year. So ridiculous. Um, we'd gone to Bali as a holiday together. I had found out that he cheated on me. I had forgiven him. We had decided to start again fresh. And I had said to

him I was like if there is because he he was a compulsive sexer basically he would so he would use different like um social networking platforms so he for example Viber used to be a big thing a while back and obviously it was it was texting but you could get in contact with people who weren't necessarily in your core contact so you could be contacting strangers and I found him sexting a whole lot of girls from Viber and I saw all the messages and I saw all the photos and anyway, I forgave him. We decided to go to Bali on a holiday to kind of re fix our relationship, rekindle things, get back to a good place. And when we were over there, I'd said to him, if there is anything in your phone, anything, and this is the time when I was crazy and I used to

go through his phone. I was like, if there's anything in your phone at all, that's incriminating, this is your opportunity to do a deep dive and delete it. I was like, I'm giving you three hours go go right back to the beginning of time guy like do it anyway so I had given him that opportunity like you know we had had a really beautiful week and then I was laying on the beach reading an article on my phone and there was this article that was about and it literally just came up this was totally serendipitous and it was about this calculator which is a fake app basically it looks like a calculator it's called calculator plus and it looks like a calculator but what you do is you open it you can use it like a normal calculator or if you know that it's a fake app

you type in a certain code and it opens up a photo vault shut the front door i swear on my life the door is wide fucking open what the i have never heard of that yeah so calculator plus and i just had this feeling i was like that's something that this sleazy little fucker would do my ex boyfriend just told me he really liked mathematics it all makes sense now I was like I I bet you because he was so good at lying he was so good at hiding stuff I was like I bet you he has this and we had an open phone policy so I was like hey babe pass me your phone so he passed me his phone and I of course he did because he had a secret calculator app and I was like okay so let's talk about this app that clearly has all your photos hidden and put your password in and he wouldn't

do it he refused to oh my god Laura we I know and stupidly like I hate myself in saying this because we stayed together for quite a while after that even after that after another time you always give me a hard time about my red flag oh dude I learnt my lessons hardcore with this guy but yeah like so I think that you know there are some people that hold on to these things as trophies they hold on to these things as reminders and personally I don't think that you should hold on to nude photos of your ex god no i don't that's anyone no one should be doing that good i'm glad i'm glad i'm not crazy thank you for validating you are not that was a really long story and that really brought up some suppressed trauma and everyone go and check

your partners for calculators calculator plus guys i hope that doesn't blow some shit out of the water for you all i'm mind blown i thought i would have no i thought i knew everything about that stuff i thought i told you every story i had in the bank there's another one i reckon there's so many still that you've just buried that will slowly come out me too slowly as the trauma builds more things it's like suppressed memories going to a therapist i start talking about my childhood all right okay question number two all right ladies i have a real doozy for you real pickle dickle yeah and it is this one's a pickle dick oh see what i did there yeah thanks it was strong it was hard yeah deep yeah thanks um my boyfriend and i let's ride into the sunset britney

dude it was just a pun get excited be my cheer girl my boyfriend and i have been together for 2.5 years or so for the past six to nine months i have been feeling that this relationship just isn't right i finally had the perfect excuse to end it he majorly fucked up it ended in a huge argument and i was so relieved that i finally had an out anyway a few weeks later i got very sick and what do you know I'm prego prego in the ego I just thought all right I'm pregnant I'll just give this guy a chance to see if his behavior changes maybe he'll grow up and act like a contributing member of our team slash relationship one reason I had been so unhappy in our relationship

was because I felt like we weren't on the same page I was desperate for kids and to start a real life together and he seemed perfectly happy to just continue on our way not progressing the relationship at all. So I told him about the impending baby growing and he was shocked but he was also really happy that we were back together. Things were great again for a few weeks and now here we are. I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant and he has gone straight back to being selfish and inconsiderate, basically exactly how he was before I broke the news. I'm keen to tell our parents and our close family members yet he doesn't really even acknowledge the fact that I'm pregnant and he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone, he doesn't want to tell anyone.

I get the feeling like he really isn't into it and I feel like he thinks I'm just a convenient person to have around we're both from families where our parents are still together and our siblings have all been married before having children and done things the right way I'm feeling very much I'm just gonna chime in there's no right way have babies and get married whatever the fuck you want to I'm feeling very much like we should not be together but I 100% am keeping this baby but also I don't want to be a single parent either he really is a great guy deep down he's from a beautiful family he just acts like a child literally his mother cooks for him she cleans for him she does his watching um he just expects it and he loves it and he doesn't want

anything different I just don't know what to do I'm feeling very lost and alone at the moment because I haven't told anyone about this pregnancy yet either any advice helps what the hell do I do oh man this is so hard this is an awful situation to be in but I think oh okay let's summarize it there's a few things here and the first thing that stands out to me is that if you've made the decision 100% that you want to have this baby and there is definitely a part of that where you need to also make that decision that there is a good chance that you'll be doing it on your own I think that like regardless like having a partner is not a guarantee you need to have a child because you are happy to be a parent and bring that child up regardless of the situation regardless of whether

or not your partner is fully checked in or fully checked out the other thing I want to say is if your relationship is really hard now before you've had a baby your relationship once you had that baby is going to be even harder because children are like they put relationships under a microscope and they really like, it's like a pressure cooker. They amplify everything. They amplify the good bits. They amplify the, they amplify the love. They amplify the wonderful bits, but they also amplify all the bits that drive you crazy about your partner. They really bring out the best and the worst in each other. And so if you are already at a point where you don't think that you can be with this person, if you're already at a point where this person doesn't support you, doesn't

treat you the way that you deserve to be treated then he's not going to change necessarily just because there's a child in in the room if anything I think that there's a good chance that it'll be worse not better once this baby comes along yeah this is a really really tough one and I do feel for you because it sounds like you've wanted the child for a long time and I'm super congrats happy for you like Laura said just to sort of um just to extend that a little bit if you're having this baby because you hope that in any way it's a band-aid and then it's going to help fix what your relationship like Laura said it's not babies are never band-aids they like Laura said they amplify problems it's very stressful you're always tired it's not going to be like going on a holiday

and renewing your relationship what I do want to say is and I am perpetually the optimistic I do want to try and see the best in most situations but I have seen it before in people's in my life and my friends that i know have been in similar situations when you have a child it can change people it can finally he this might actually be what it takes once the baby's here for him to pull his finger out and take some responsibility and step up to the plate this may there's a chance he's like okay shit i love this new human being fiercely and i'm gonna step up and be here for you and the child there's also a huge chance he runs for the hills because it sounds like responsibility is not his forte. Yes, there is always a chance. There's always gray and variables

to the entire spectrum of this situation. And there is a chance that he will step up and be a great dad. Does that mean that he'll step up and be a great partner? Not necessarily. If he's never proven it before, then I doubt very strongly that he's going to just have a full 180 flip and turn into the person that you want him to be. There will have to be some level of acceptance of him being the person that he is. And if you are taking care of a child, having to then take on all the extra work of taking care of a child and taking care of a man child is a hell of a lot of work that you have in front of you. And like that could be something that's very hard. The other thing I want to say is there's a lot of stigma around being a single mom. And I think that

society still places that stigma around women who end up being single or who've chosen to be single parents and from all of the single parents who I've spoken to and who I know and you know I do another podcast which is a mother identity podcast and I've interviewed loads of single parents and single mums it is not as bad as what society makes you think it is and it is much better to be a single mum than to be in a shit relationship with a shit partner who doesn't take care of you and doesn't support you and doesn't love you and doesn't make you feel like you're a team so if you have made this decision that you want to have this baby then this is your life and this is something that's really wonderful and should be celebrated but remember that no relationship is

a guarantee I would also like to highlight when you said that he's a really great person and you're what your problem is now is that you're worried about how he's going to be when the baby comes my advice would be if things are okay now and they're happy don't worry about what's going to happen yet just get through it and deal with it when it comes because you can't end something now because of the potentially someone's going to act a certain way I think you need to stick it out now if he starts to treat you terribly and you're unhappy of course we all know that you can take control and leave any situation but I think we as humans especially women we really get into this habit of like what if this happens and we fret about the future and we stress about the future

but I think it's really important to take every day as it comes, prepare for the future. Of course you have to, you're having a baby and make sure he's on board with that, but don't leave a situation now because you're worried about something that might happen in six months time. I guess the other thing to kind of touch on is like, we don't know what the big thing was that was reason enough for you to break up with him. But I kind of, I mean, I have two more things I want to say, but one of them is that you never need a big reason to break up with someone. If you're unhappy, you don't have to wait for them to screw up, to feel like your reasons for not wanting to be with someone is validated. Um, you are allowed and entitled to make those decisions and change your life at any

point along the journey. If you're unhappy, especially if you've been communicating that you're unhappy along the way as well. The last thing I want to say, and to be, you know, more positive about the situation, cause I guess I like, I have been doom and gloom, but I'm tired cause I haven't slept because I have a kid. Um, is that having a child as much as it puts an enormous amount of pressure on your relationship, it can also be a really galvanizing force for your relationship. And I think it's really one of those things in life that makes or breaks a family, it makes or breaks a relationship. And, you know, there are people and there are families that make it all the way. And just because they've made it to the very ripe

old age of whatever it is sitting in a nursing home doesn't mean that they haven't encountered their own hurdles and their own challenges along the way. Every single relationship has its own hurdles. Every single relationship has its challenges. And like Brittany said, you can't foresee what's going to happen in the future. You just have to make the best choices that are presented in front of you now. And then if things change further down the track, then you make new choices that better set you up to be as happy as you possibly can be. And also take care of your child in the best way that you possibly can. Good luck. Good luck. This is what I want to hear back from this one. Yeah. I want to give us an update down the track. Actually, every so often, I think

this is something that we need to do. I want updates guys. Like if you've been listening to this podcast for however long, over a year now, and we have answered some of your questions, oh, you could all get back to us and tell us if their advice is okay. And what happened? How did it all end up? Did you marry the guy? Didn't you marry the guy? Did he find out that you cheated? I want to know. Tell me the goss. I'm waiting to hear back about Tuesday's episode this week. You know how someone wrote to my friend and said, I want to see your ear before I date you. I'm waiting to hear back to see if a she went on the date and b she sent the ear if she sent the ear can you please send the photo to me so that we can post it online i'll keep you posted all right

let's jump into the next one this will be the last one because these have been some pretty big heavy questions are we is this a light one i'm scared it's not it's a heavy today's a heavy day but i can't um i can give advice on this for sure but i can't give advice um from a place of experience so this one's for you question number three hit me okay I really need some advice on how to handle an extremely delicate situation my sister-in-law very recently suffered an early miscarriage after years of trying to conceive her first child she was so excited to finally fall pregnant and shared her news with me and others pretty much as soon as she found out we were all so thrilled for her so when she miscarried just a couple of weeks later it was really devastating now here's where

gets tricky. I have just found out myself that I am pregnant with my third after a relatively quick journey to conceive. The day before she miscarried is when I found out. I don't know how to approach it. I don't want to be insensitive. I'm obviously not ready to share the news just yet myself. But when the time comes, how do you think I best handle this without upsetting and offending her? I do feel really guilty in a way at the thought of announcing anything that is remotely happy on my end, knowing she has just gone through something like this. It's giving me anxiety yeah this is really hard it's a tough one my my advice I mean and I only had this advice from somebody who has had fertility issues themselves and has had miscarriages and when I

had my miscarriage the first one my sister had her baby Archer like my nephew and she would bring him to work every single day and there was never a period where she even thought or or we even discuss like maybe I didn't want to see him like maybe I didn't want to be around a baby that day because it made me feel really reminded of what was happening to myself but I think people who have fertility loss and and this is very general speaking I'm sure that there is a full spectrum of feelings towards this but I think that people who have fertility loss can often feel very isolated because people don't want to include them in their happiness so people don't want to tell them that they're pregnant people don't want to feel like they're rubbing it in their face and so

instead they actually exclude them from that and that in itself can make the situation even worse um i i think that the best way to approach this is when you are ready to tell people tell her first and sit her down and say exactly how you feel and that you do feel terrible that you're not able to share this experience together but that you know you like you want her to be included in your pregnancy journey because it's something that's important to you and that you love her and i think that that you can't stop the fact that she's going to be hurt you can't stop the fact that it's going to be hard for her but i think that there will be a part of her that is very grateful that you included her in that as well um and that she doesn't feel isolated and

left out because having a miscarriage and and having fertility struggles is isolating and lonely enough i really strongly agree with what you said about sometimes when people dance around a delicate situation or a delicate subject topic discussion it can make it worse because the person that you're trying to protect all of a sudden feels like they almost feel more left out they feel like oh my god and and they feel silly they feel stupid I've been in that situation before where people haven't wanted to tell me something because they've been so happy and they thought I was sad that made me more sad because I was like I'm I love you I'm happy for you don't and you feel like there's something wrong with you like if people kind of avoid situations like that and

avoid inviting you to baby showers or avoid inviting you to birthday parties and things because they think it's going to offend you it's like you feel like there's something wrong with you but then on top of that you also feel like everyone's talking about you which is worse you know I would prefer if somebody wasn't sure about how I felt about something ask me don't ask other people about you know I mean obviously you can ask us like this is anonymous as hell but you know I think just making sure that she feels included and supported and loved and obviously her pain doesn't negate your happiness they're not they don't have to coexist as two separate things she's allowed to be hurt and be happy for you at the exact same time and both of those things

are acceptable and beautiful and you know they're just part of the spectrum of life and feelings and um yeah just just allow her to feel the way that she feels but also include her in your journey I think that that is my absolute advice for this she's absolutely she's your sister-in-law she's absolutely going to be thrilled for you she's going to be happy she's going to love you and she's going to love the child but yeah she'll in her own time she's going to have a hard time dealing with it because she has had her own loss but like you just said though she can she can do both of those she will be strong enough to do both of those well I think yeah I feel like we've answered that I also feel like next week you need to bring some light-hearted questions yes

this is a lot it was a it was a big week but you know we like to mix it up we like to these are real problems that real people are experiencing and I think sometimes we need to take a deep dive into some more serious things and other weeks we can have a laugh and it can be like the light-hearted problems especially fertility because I think it's you know we are at the age now where these these issues are very common and they're conversations that you have amongst your girlfriends and they're conversations that come up all the time and you know it does sometimes feel like, I even saw someone recently write in our Facebook group that it feels like everybody is having a pregnancy announcement. It feels like everyone is pregnant. And for someone

who is struggling with fertility or maybe infertile, that feels like a constant slap in the face. And the one thing I want to say to that, which I did touch on when we did the miscarriage episode quite a while back, if anyone is going through that or knows somebody who is going through that, we really recommend that every woman listens to it because it's such an insight into something that is so common. Very powerful episode. Yeah. I just want to say that sometimes it can feel like everyone around you is having a happy pregnancy announcement. And that's because we don't talk about miscarriage enough. And, you know, people don't often announce their pregnancies and also announce the fact that they've had three miscarriages in order to have their pregnancy. So

keep in mind that sometimes you only see the highlight reel of what's happening in someone's life. Um, you don't always see the struggles that everybody else is facing. I think sometimes remembering that puts things into perspective and makes you go, ah, okay. It doesn't feel like every single person around me is pregnant because every single person encounters different struggles along that journey. Yeah. Okay. All right. We did it. Alrighty guys. That is us. That is ask uncut for the week. We will be back next week with a big juicy episode for you. And then we'll be answering your deep, dark, and dirty questions again. And if you haven't already done it, then I've got a few housekeeping things for you to do, guys. Number one, go and leave us a review.

Just jump onto Apple Podcasts, tell your friends, all that stuff. Number two is to go and join our Facebook group, which is Life Uncut Podcast. You can also put your questions for Ask Uncut up there if they're not super personal and you don't need to keep them anonymous. Lots of people like to share their questions and the community that we have been building are so amazing and they'll get behind it and they will answer these questions for you as well and number three is i'm gonna go i'm gonna go watch the bachelor see you soon guys share the love because we love love We'll be right back.