Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Did My Husband Get Another Woman Pregnant?

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Laugh Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. Are we going to talk about what you just did, Britt? Yes, I suppose we will. I love a white outfit. You guys know that. I love a white outfit. And what happened to me, I feel like is indicative of my last 24 hours. But I turned up in like an all-white head-to-toe outfit and this, like, beautiful white little knit.

Starting point is 00:00:31 And the second I walked in at 8am, I spilt not only coffee, but I decided to get an iced frappe mocha and I just spilt the whole thing down my white shirt. Can you turn it around for people who are on YouTube to see? Just take your jacket off and, like... I did just have to turn my shirt backwards. Hang on. Which it's a good, like, it's a good shirt for it to happen in.

Starting point is 00:00:52 Oh, you got most of it out. Oh, it's actually fine now. You could wear that front. That's just what I look like normally. Do you know what it was? Soda water. I just tipped a whole bottle of soda water, sparkling water down my back and turned my neck around.

Starting point is 00:01:04 So now I've got like, you know how the back of a T-shirt chokes your neck? You say this like you've stumbled across a new hack, like the soda water hack. All right, mate. Britney's vibes and unsubscribes to the week's soda water. Don't worry about nappy sin, everyone. Do you remember? I have said this on the podcast before.

Starting point is 00:01:18 Oh, God. Where does this go? Sometimes. Sometimes Britney starts a sentence like that and I look at Laura and both of us, I can see her thinking the exact same thing. It's like it's really good for an enema if you ever want to do this. No, it's about getting it off something. You'll remember as soon as I start telling you.

Starting point is 00:01:32 I did like the ultimate fail that you could possibly ever do at someone's wedding. Like besides fucking their husband, this is like the thing that you do not do at a wedding. I spilt a glass of red wine on the bride's dress. Oh, yeah, I do remember that. But on a scale of what could happen and where one end of it is fucking the bride's husband this is just that's forgivable no this is just one under that

Starting point is 00:01:59 so they had done photos thank god but it was still early in the night like thy night was young and I have never you know that feeling when something's happened and you start you feel sick like you know something bad has happened I was beside myself and I was like this isn't about you Brittany this is about her I was I could not believe what I had just done and she was like it's cool and I was like it's not cool ran to the kitchen got all the staff to come and help me we had bottles of soda water that were pouring so it came out but she was sopping wet she looked like she just jumped in a pool and most of it came out to the point that like you couldn't see a lot of it and I was like look I know some great people that could photoshop that out like we can work

Starting point is 00:02:39 it did work almost impeccably like I reckon it was at 96 percent out of that wedding dress and that was just like aggressive soda water scrubbing. How did you spill it? She was sitting down at her table with like having a meal and I just went up to chat to her so we're at the table and my the glass was on it was just it just happened I just moved my hand it tipped the glass completely missed me and just went all down her dress. She handled it like a champ she's coming to my wedding actually. I can't wait for her to peg the last one at you. Sian I know do you know what I need to maybe sit her so far away from me intentionally imagine if she did it just she's like played the long game like that's like an intentional long game I'm in for it she doesn't even like me anymore

Starting point is 00:03:21 but she's just tried to maintain the friendship so she can get back at me maybe that's a call out what happened at a wedding like what almost ruined a wedding let us know because that was my moment oh I think there's many things that have ruined weddings like we've had a few but usually it does does revolve around someone fucking someone but unfortunately tell us please you remember that podcast that went really viral about, they did an investigation of who took a shit on a dance floor. Yeah. This has just gone down the gutter, hasn't it? Yeah, it was like a podcast.

Starting point is 00:03:48 It went to one of the biggest podcasts in the world for that period of time. Keisha, I interviewed them. I interviewed the girls on the podcast that were trying to find out who pooed the wedding when I was guest hosting the project and they were the people that we interviewed. And it was like a full investigation. Someone

Starting point is 00:04:04 took a dump on the ground at a wedding and it was the kind of wedding that was like the only people there are there. Like no one could come in. It wasn't like a hotel or something. So one of the wedding guests took a dump and it turned into like an investigative series where they were trying to find out who took the dump. That is crazy. I'm so glad that we can get into vibes and unsubscribes now. Britt, what's your vibe for the week? My vibe for the week is a podcast. So it's called The Trial. And I've told you before, you can get The Trial of P. Diddy or

Starting point is 00:04:33 The Trial of Lucy Letby. And the idea of The Trial is that it is reporting on crimes that are happening as they are in trial. So it's live. They go into court in the day and they report on what's happening. So this is the trial of Erin Pattinson and Erin Pattinson is the mushroom killer. So you'll probably remember her. I mean, you should. She tried to wipe out her husband and the whole family. Allegedly. Allegedly. It's in trial. Yes. With poisonous mushrooms. So it was very fascinating. I think in Australia, we hadn't really seen anything like that. So this is taking you on that inside look. The trial started or the first day of the trial started April 29. so if you're fascinated at like getting this inside look into it like i am that is the podcast

Starting point is 00:05:12 i'm recommending for you who actually does the podcast are they like a journalist are they a police or exp like who is it they're journos but they're they're from the daily mail it's a daily mail podcast i believe even though it's called the trial but they're always different kinds of journalists like so they might send someone to that country to look at it so that's what's happening here in australia but like you're not always hearing the same voices and they also interview a lot of people along the way so it's not like it's one host consistently across every single trial podcast but the basis is the same so they are journalists that go in they sit in the courtroom as often as they're allowed because they're often open and if they're not allowed in

Starting point is 00:05:51 for some reason they are interviewing different people involved sometimes it's like a policeman that might have been involved and they do do it very carefully because you remember when we spoke about the teacher's pet many years ago you have to be really careful because it's happening live concurrently with a trial you have to be careful as a journalist or something like a podcast that it doesn't sway the trial that what you're putting out isn't biased so it has to be very it's just reporting you cannot be biased you cannot like give your opinions in a way it's just like this is what happened today this is what they said this is what it means we'll see you tomorrow that kind of a thing kish what's yours my vibe this week is if you need a bit of

Starting point is 00:06:31 Mindless Sugar. It's a show on Netflix. It actually came out a month ago, but I didn't realize that it came out. It's called Cheat Unfinished Business. Now it's hosted by two people that you might be familiar with. Paul Brunson, he's a podcast host. I actually really like his podcast, but he also does the Maths UK. He's one of the experts on the couch and he hosts it alongside Amanda Holden, who hosts everything in the UK. So if you are into UK radio or TV, Amanda Holden will be a name that is very familiar to you. So basically the concept of the show is that there are eight couples who go into this luxury retreat and they are all there because one of them has cheated. And they're kind of trying to work out whether they can get their

Starting point is 00:07:13 relationship back on track or whether it's absolutely doomed. So this series has, like I said, eight couples, but one of them you might actually be quite familiar with if you are a Love Island UK fan. It is Biggs Chris and Lauren Gormley. They were from the first winter UK season. So back in 2020 and look, you're not going to get all that much smarter from watching this show, but you know how sometimes you just need a bit of like reality trash that really gets the dopamine going. You're going to feel a lot more secure in your relationship and like you have a lot less problems.

Starting point is 00:07:47 I really enjoyed it. And I actually think that the hosts are very good hosts, particularly Paul. He made a lot of money in matchmaking. He's always been in matchmaking. he randomly owns a football team and he has like number the I think the number one relationships podcast we need to talk in the UK so he's like big in that field yeah yeah so it's on Netflix it is the whole season is out it is called cheat unfinished business right well I have a skincare product to recommend for you guys and that's because I had to do a big overhaul of my skincare

Starting point is 00:08:16 because I can't use active products when pregnant and I when I kind of like in that weird phase after I kind of changed my skincare and then was trying to find something that worked for me now with bloody hormonal skin and everything else, I ended up having really bad perioral dermatitis again. So I went through like a couple of weeks of that, but I've settled on a skincare routine that has literally worked so well for me that I was like, maybe this is good enough when I'm not pregnant. You are glowing. I thought it was a pregnancy. It's not. So pregnancy doesn't look good on me. It doesn't. I get melasma really bad. I get really bad perioral dermatitis. I get super sensitive skin so I get eczema on other parts of my body. Do you think it's more like

Starting point is 00:08:56 a Monet? You're like a Monet? Good from afar. Yeah because because I would say. Rough. You said it. Abstract. No. I know what it stands for Brit. You still described it. But no I'm giving a name to what you described. I said pregnancy looks good on you and you said it doesn't and I'm my what I'm saying about a Monet is you're catfishing me because I think you look amazing pregnant so maybe it's that you're saying when you look up close at your skin it's not great. Well no what I was trying to say is that this time my skin has been like in terms of pregnancy skin this has been the best version of it and I do attribute it to what I'm using at the moment and just having great skincare there's quite a few different products that I mean if anyone cares to know the full list

Starting point is 00:09:34 I can do that another day but one thing that I've incorporated which has I think has made a really big difference it's a serum that I'm using it is by and I don't know if I'm saying this right because it's not a brand that I'm super familiar with I don't have any of their other products but mx skincare it's a cosmeceutical serum vitamin b3 plus and it comes in i mean comes in lovely packaging it's a little black bottle i use one pump of it in the morning in the night time and honestly every day i have felt like my skin is improving and improving i actually think it's the combination of this with the other skincare that i'm using i don't think it's this product in silo but i yeah i think it's really hard when you're pregnant to find good skincare

Starting point is 00:10:14 that actually is still effective and is also pregnancy safe. And it's also Australian made. There you go. You just look it up. I know actually one of the ambassadors, which so I know about it, Erin Holland has been an ambassador for them. We've had Erin on the podcast. You guys know her.

Starting point is 00:10:26 But I remember that was the first time I really heard about that skincare brand. She has great skin. She's got brilliant skin. I mean, in terms of what it says it does on the bottle, it says that it does everything from blemishes, redness, to pigmentation, and also helps with aging, dark spots. It's literally just an everything type serum that helps with overall complexion,

Starting point is 00:10:47 and I have seen a big difference. And this is not sponsored. I don't get anything from them, but I think it's great. Well, you get great skin from a meal. Glowy. That's where the pregnancy glow comes from. You pay for it. Anyway, guys, let's get into the questions.

Starting point is 00:10:58 Also, mayonnaise are worth a lot. Question number one. This one, look, I've got some feelings, and I think that your spidey senses are right. That's what I'm going to say. okay i've been with my boyfriend for one year i don't trust one of his female friends as i find her actions are off the insecurity started after her engagement party when i got spidey tingles the next morning my boyfriend confirmed that he had had a situation ship for two years with her that ended in 2022 that is literally two years it's a relationship yeah weird that he never

Starting point is 00:11:33 mentioned it prior but like we'll let that slide it's her engagement party she's clearly in another relationship i was friendly with my ex and spoke openly about this prior so was unsure why he didn't tell me he said he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable thanks for that pal since then i've noticed off actions they say love you when ending a phone call he limited their contact though to once every few months and she called saying why don't you love me anymore she sent him a photo memory of them in his bed wearing his shirt with no context sorry that's not funny but it and on their last call she made a joke an inside joke after having invited us to stay at her house saying that he could sleep on the dog bed at hers but i might get my own room at the parents house

Starting point is 00:12:19 i laughed out of awkwardness and she said how fakes that laugh i told my boyfriend these things that make me uncomfortable and we all had a leveled respectful conversation about it He said he hadn't noticed these things as off, but he said that he can absolutely see my perspective. I don't think that she has romantic feelings for him necessarily, but more like she's trying to big dog me. He said he will end the friendship, but I'm not sure that that is fair either. What do you think and how should we approach this?

Starting point is 00:12:45 Sorry, it is a long one. She is trying to big dog you. I don't even know where to start. There are so many layers to that that I want to comment on. She is pissing on her ex territory just to make sure that you know that she was there first. But firstly, why are you staying there? You don't have to stay at her house.

Starting point is 00:13:03 Like, that's weird. Go and get a hotel or something. Don't blame this girl. No, both of them as a couple. Why as a couple are you staying at – I'm not blaming anyone. But get a hotel. It's expensive. I am not staying at someone my ex was fucking for two years.

Starting point is 00:13:19 I'm not staying at his house. Like, personally, do what you want if you're happy with it, but you're not happy with it. So that's my question. You're not happy with it. You're not. The reality is you're not happy. yeah secondly he said he'll end the friendship and you don't think that's fair i think it's

Starting point is 00:13:31 all right let him yeah if he wants to do it i'm like i really hope people are watching this on youtube because brit's face i think it's all right well i mean you haven't pushed him into that corner you told him your feelings and he found that as the solution and i i think like take the win look the reality is is i know why you say you don't think that's fair because you are level-headed and normal and not a psycho and you are not riddled with anxieties and you have raised something that makes you uncomfortable with your partner and his reaction is like hey if it makes you that uncomfortable I don't need this friendship in my life like I don't need to do this and then it's made you go whoa like that's an extreme reaction I don't I don't want to be the

Starting point is 00:14:16 reason that you then you know break up a friendship like gosh that seems dramatic and stressful and everything else I get that these are your reactions and you know what you don't have to be like yes stop being friends with her but he can pull back the friendship quite a bit and that's okay like because the friendship is clearly at a point now where it isn't an acceptable level of friendship that makes you feel comfortable in your monogamous relationship and the reason why I say this is because if she had just been a friend and there had been no two-year situationship your intuition wouldn't have been telling you that something was fucking off like and that's at her engagement party that wasn't just in a normal setting at her engagement party there was something around the

Starting point is 00:14:58 way that she interacted with him that made you go hold on a second you guys have been intimate before this is not just a normal friendship but also you don't have to just to note this like when we say he's ending the friendship like it doesn't have to be so explosive and final you don't have to call it and say the friendship's over you just pull back you don't have to message just saying I love you you don't have to mess you saying I miss you you can focus on your own relationship and they can still have contact like you he doesn't need to cut her from his life but this level of interaction when they were fucking for two years is not on and also him telling I mean like let's wind it back a little bit I would be pretty upset if my partner had a really close

Starting point is 00:15:41 friend where they said things like I love you that's okay right like you can have friendships where you love each other. I have male friends that I tell them, you know, love you, like miss you, whatever. But these are people that I've been friends with for decades. I have never had any sexual relations with who are in their own relationship. That changes it. And you would do it in a respectful manner. You're not doing it in front of people. But if I was with someone for over a year, they had a really good friend where they had that relationship and they had not told me that they would sexually, intimately with them for two years, I would be really upset at that Because that is not how you build trust in a relationship.

Starting point is 00:16:17 And it makes you be like, well, I know he said, I didn't tell you, I didn't want you to be uncomfortable. I'd be more uncomfortable now that you hadn't told me. Totally. And the fact that he said, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. It's like, I'm not uncomfortable that you have a past. I'm uncomfortable because of the way that you interact with your past in the present. That's what I'm uncomfortable about.

Starting point is 00:16:36 And I'm uncomfortable that you know that your level of closeness would make me uncomfortable if I was aware that you used to be together like and you also created a situation where and I'm going to use the word guys enjoy it galvanize triangulated oh that was the next one everyone else knows the other two people in that friendship know and you don't know and he has made a decision for you by deciding to negate telling you the full story which means he just didn't tell you the truth upsetting annoying I know you're there now so that's okay you guys have gotten over it but I would say like where it steps over the line for me is the yeah sure you might see a memory of someone who you were in a situation shit with you don't send that memory to them when it's the two

Starting point is 00:17:18 of you cuddling in bed like you just don't especially when they're in a new relationship and you are engaged and I would agree with you I don't think that it is an indicator that she necessarily still has feelings for him I don't think it's an indicator that she wants to you know be with him over you or like you know leave her fiance or any of those things but I do think that you have hit the nail on the head with this idea of like wanting to big dog you and like make you know that her connection with him is still paramount and I guess if I think about this from my own personal perspective a little bit I used to have friendships like this with guys that I used to be with you know years in the past and I would tell myself oh they're just friends now but the

Starting point is 00:17:59 Friendship wasn't a normal friendship. I don't normally tell my male friends that I love them. I don't normally send things like that to my male friends. I definitely don't text them when they're with their partners saying, why don't you love me anymore? I don't do those things because they're not normal friendship things. They are the foundation that were built off the back of the intimacy that they had when they were together. And that's why it feels like it's okay to still do that because they've had that closeness. Firstly, it sounds like he's pulled away already a little bit that's great if he has given you on a fucking silver platter that he doesn't need to have that closeness of a friendship anymore take it and run yeah you're

Starting point is 00:18:35 not a bad person because you made him aware of how it makes you feel uncomfortable and he recognized that and wants to make you feel comfortable she's also it's okay she's been inappropriate on like every single level even the disrespect to her own fiance she's getting married to be sending photos of her in bed with her ex with her ex's t-shirt on with no context to her ex is wildly inappropriate just like that on its own so I'm assuming your partner recognizes that yeah I reckon he does too once you lay it all out like there's nobody who's listening to this podcast who listened to that question and thought that's totally fine baby I wouldn't mind I think the biggest problem is how she speaks to the person who's written the question in which is like what a fake laugh

Starting point is 00:19:20 like she's just so passive aggressive with you if she was really kind to you really warm and really like inviting and you know your partner had explained that they did have this friendship that at one point was sexual but they still love each other as friends I think you'd have a lot more tolerance for like I say to some of my male friends like on the phone I'll be like love you but I also say it to my female friends you know I that's how I would talk to a lot of my friends and and I do have friendships with guys that I've been with in the past and I've kind of had to learn how to navigate that in a respectful way for everybody involved. And the reason that I'm still able to have those friendships, there's two of them in particular, is because they treat my

Starting point is 00:20:00 current boyfriend with a lot of respect. They would never be rude to him and they would never speak in the way that this girl speaks to you. Imagine if one of them sent you just a memory photo of the two of you cuddling in bed together. I'd be on the blower. Imagine. Imagine. I just thinking like if matt's ex-girlfriend just sent a memory photo like you know because like matt is friends with his exes like we've been to one of his ex's weddings he went out for dinner the other night because his most recent ex before us he's like best friends with her brother so they went out for dinner i wasn't there not one part of me was like god i wonder if she's gonna send him a memory photo like if that happened that would be so disproportionately ridiculous oh yeah you're

Starting point is 00:20:43 not overreacting we all agree with you and i think your boyfriend's doing the right thing by pulling away from the friendship a bit or at least just like cooling it so that we're not doing she sounds she actually just sounds jealous of you okay moving on my mother-in-law has given me the ick and my poker face is wearing thin this is such a good question this one one year ago my partner and i got matching tattoos of little hearts to show our love for each other about three months ago my mother-in-law was at an event and messaged our group chat to let us know that the event had a tattoo artist and she was also going to get her first ever tattoo next minute she sends a photo of the tattoo and it is in fact also a matching heart. Triangulate.

Starting point is 00:21:24 But she wanted in on the triangle. That's the difference. She wanted to go from a straight line to a triangle. She brought herself in. I thought this was a joke, but when it was confirmed as real, I actually felt quite angry. We visited my mother-in-law a few days later and we asked, hey, how did you land on the heart? She said there were a few options such as a flower or a butterfly, but something was just drawing her to this heart symbol. My son. My partner is not that bothered by it, but he isn't bothered by much. I, however, feel she has taken away the significance from our matching tattoo

Starting point is 00:22:00 as we are now in a tattoo throuple. It's been three months. So is this something I should just get over? I used to absolutely adore my mother-in-law. She's kind and well-meaning and wouldn't have done this maliciously. But now I struggle to engage with her and avoid visiting where I can. How do I come back from the ick? This is so funny.

Starting point is 00:22:21 I don't have any, I mean, I was about to say I don't have any advice that I'd make for a terrible episode. You can't do anything. There's nothing you can do about this. I don't think it's that bad. Look, no, it is. Does it bother you that much that you can't look her in the eye anymore or go to her house? That's extreme.

Starting point is 00:22:36 I think she has overstepped, but the problem is, is she doesn't realize that she's overstepped. and normally I would say well if someone oversteps and you know you feel this uncomfortable have a conversation with them the problem is this is permanent so like having a conversation with her about it is only going to make her feel terrible she's going to feel so sad that it's upset you but she can't remove it and so then now she's got something on her body that's there forever that makes her feel bad and so I kind of feel like this is just one that unfortunately it's weird everyone else who you ever tell a story to is going to know it's weird you didn't go and actively do it with your mother-in-law she's not included in the two of you having that symbol together

Starting point is 00:23:18 so they don't feel as though now you share it and it's like the thing that you guys have as a throuple i'd love to know where it is and how big it is like you're talking about a cute little heart you know like on your ribs or like on and also yeah i wonder if she did it identical like i because like it could be a slightly different version of a heart in which case fair game you don't own love hearts but is it like she's I know it's weird I know it's weird I know that I don't I'm not I don't think it's that weird I think it's so indicative that this woman oversteps a fair bit and it doesn't have much self-awareness around it she said she's kind well-meaning would never have done this she's always been great well-meaning exactly I just don't think she's understood she

Starting point is 00:23:56 obviously sees it as a symbol of love she also loves you both she loves her son it's her first tattoo she probably thought it would be cute did she miss the mark yeah but I just want to say this I don't want anyone to be offended by this but you're in charge of what you let bother you like if you are going to end a relationship and you can't go to your mother-in-law's house anymore and you can't look her in the eye because of this I think that you need to rewire your perspective a little bit and I'm not saying this like you of course you're allowed to feel how you're going to feel but as humans you are in control of how much you let something bother you I beg you to not let this bother you that much I beg you to try and rewire how you view it so maybe try and view it

Starting point is 00:24:34 like she also loves you both she loves him like do not let this affect your relationship that's wild to me I agree but I want to validate that it's weird I want to validate that if like and obviously like I live with Ellie I love Ellie she's the fucking best and like Matt has a tattoo of the girl's birthdays and I was going to get the same one if Ellie also got the same one I think I'd be like to Matt well that was weird I thought that was our special thing but I exactly but I wouldn't make a big deal about it and I would choose to see the humor in it because I absolutely wouldn't jeopardize the great relationship especially when you say she's wonderful in every other way you would literally say that's weird and not lose sleep about it you would move on no I would move

Starting point is 00:25:14 on but the thing is is like and look to your point Brit which is a good point to make the whole idea around this like you we choose the things that upset us to some extent it's like not about everything no i'm talking about this tattoo specifically but like i think you just you need to embody the whole mel robbins let them you can't control this one you gotta let them but also it sounds as though your husband when you say he's not bothered by much what a nice way to be in life what a nice thing to be able to just get through majority of life and just not be that bothered by things that like piss other people off the road rage not bothered i genuinely can't get a trolley at the shopping center not bothered i'm not saying this this wouldn't bother

Starting point is 00:25:48 me i don't understand why this is an issue it doesn't change the meaning between what you and your husband got and here's an idea listen it doesn't it doesn't change what you guys did sure someone else wants to be in your tattoo throuple whatever what i would do if you're that bothered by it to bed with this too extreme guys she matched a tattoo listen what i would suggest genuinely if it bothers you it's a tattoo go and add something to it make the design something else more important to you with your husband then it's a different tattoo she's not going to go and follow you if she goes and follows you that's another conversation right back to us but like you can add to the tattoo and change it a little bit but like i don't know it upsets me that you're

Starting point is 00:26:28 losing sleep over this and that literally a fractured relationship could come off the back of this because to me this is a non-event to me this is like well that was weird your mom got outmatching tattoos but i'd move on the only other part of this is you said how do i come back from the ick because you've gotten the ick to your mother-in-law it is tricky to come back from the it is tricky to come back from that feeling of like irritation and frustration maybe you just need a little bit of time away and that's okay like maybe there has been a little bit too much mother-in-law in your life at the moment and you need a bit of a like a bit of space so dramatic and that but that's okay like you're allowed to have a bit of space you know you can say to your

Starting point is 00:27:03 husband look I'm sorry I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the constantness of mum at the moment can we just have some family time without mum being there I do honestly think that if you were to have a tiny bit of like, you know, and I'm not saying like cut her out and don't see her for a month. I'm just talking like a little bit of time, maybe a week, a few days, whatever it is, and have some quality time as you guys, as a unit, I think you will start to feel a lot better about it because I don't, I think that sometimes you can have the ick for people, but in relationships like this, the ick doesn't stay stagnant forever. Like it resolves itself in a lot of times. Go on a pool holiday because she can't currently swim with her new tattoo.

Starting point is 00:27:40 I just think perspective's a wonderful thing. That's what I'm going to finish reading. All right, look, next question. Did my husband get another woman pregnant? Probably, if you're asking that question. Okay, this is, yeah, wild. About two months ago, I told my husband that I am separating from him due to years of coercive control.

Starting point is 00:28:01 Things started to get worse since we had our first child in May last year, and with the support from my family, I was able to take this huge step. since then it's been a challenging time my almost ex-husband recently asked me to bring him his old mobile phone i haven't allowed him back into the house and i thought that this was a strange request so i snooped i found that his google history showed that he had been on e-harmony and also searched elite singles within one month of me saying it's over mind you he's still asking to fix things and get back together because that is what's best for our child i also searched his

Starting point is 00:28:37 photos and hidden deep in a file, I found a photo of a pregnant woman. This photo was not a photo you send to someone or just post online. It's a selfie of her in her underwear in the mirror showing her bump. I snooped some more and found other photos of this same woman with another bump photo. Now I'm already jumping to conclusions. And of course, thinking that he got this woman pregnant. He does work FIFO and is away for about four weeks at a time. Is it crazy for me to think that he's cheated on me and has a child with another woman somewhere is there another logical explanation for this is it normal for married men to have photos like this hidden in their phones no i haven't confronted him yet as he is the type of man with narcissistic personality traits and

Starting point is 00:29:17 will lie to me so what should i do i don't want to say here that this means he got another woman pregnant because that could be a leap it's definitely strange to have photos of other pregnant women in your phone the same woman the same woman in their underwear like that is giving if it's not theirs they have had some kind of emotional connection or like talking or there is a connection there unless he's on some weird pregnancy fetish thing and it's just a random photo he's taken off the internet and then he feels weird like he's a creep and he's hidden it in his messages like there are other things that can happen but it doesn't sit that well with me no knowing that like not only are there photos it's not one it's not clothed there's multiple of

Starting point is 00:30:02 the same woman and he's felt the need to hide that I'd be asking questions but I guess what I'm asking you is what do you want to do with that information if you know you don't want to get back with him ever it will come out one day if he is having that baby I know that that'll probably eat you alive wondering but otherwise you can just ask him like if you're not with him anymore you can just ask him straight out well she said he's a narcissistic and wouldn't give her an honest answer anyway well that's what my question sort of is and I guess I don't understand what your question is a lot with us it's more like I think you're just asking us do we think that he's gotten someone pregnant or is there another logical explanation that is the core of

Starting point is 00:30:39 this question and I don't really know the answer without knowing him or I do think it's strange I don't think it's normal but I can't leap to the fact of saying he's gotten someone else pregnant yeah I agree with you I don't think it's a 100% thing especially if there was only a few photos you know he he might have connected with someone who's pregnant and have had an emotional affair with him who knows who knows however I do want to say one thing because you said that you have dealt with years of coercive control from your partner and that you finally have left and you've had all the support from your family but then you said mind you he's still asking to fix things and get back together because that is what is best for our child being with someone who has coercively

Starting point is 00:31:19 controlled you in a relationship that you have found the courage to leave there is never a world where being with that person is what is best for your child so please know that what you have done and the decision that you have made and leaving this relationship which would have been monumentally difficult I have no doubt is what is best for you and that is what is best for your child and that is what you should be prioritizing right now you could send yourself crazy trying to find out all of the things that he did or didn't do while you're in a relationship together you may never get the proof but the thing is you know what you know about the relationship you know what you already experienced in the relationship and whether he's having a baby with somebody else now

Starting point is 00:31:59 or not or has one or doesn't have one doesn't impact this decision that you've made what I want to say is because I know that this is an incredibly difficult thing to experience and I know you probably want answers and are absolutely craving for those answers but it shouldn't change the outcome because unless you were already thinking about getting back together with him or you were trying to have some sort of repair I still think you navigate your life the way that you are right now and you put in all the protection mechanisms to take care of yourself and you may never get a straight answer to this but if he becomes an ex who you have to amicably be co-parenting with it will be irrelevant whether he has other children or not he still has to co-parent your

Starting point is 00:32:40 child and do the best to take care of your child and your kid and your safety and your everything should be the number one priority now yeah but that's why i also do think when i say it doesn't change anything for you now like you know you're not going to get back with him the information is not going to change anything now and it will come out in the wash it is important you know eventually because yeah of course he is going to be co-parenting your children so you do need to know if he also is going to have other children and other women and other people in your life but I think for now I would try not to lose sleep about it I probably wouldn't want to poke the bear either like he doesn't sound like a good person to be honest from what you've said like with the

Starting point is 00:33:16 coercive control etc the narcissism he's not going to respond well if you ask him on all of this maybe the reason why you added that in there around like he's been asking to fix things is because you maybe have been entertaining the idea like maybe you've entertained the idea of fixing things as well and that's why you've added it but I think it's also really important to know that your ex-partner asked for his phone and your very first response was to go deep and snoop because you don't trust him. You found that he was on eHarmony. You found that he was on Elite Singles. Like you have enough information there to know the person that he was while you were in the relationship with him. That should be validation enough. Whether he got someone

Starting point is 00:33:51 pregnant or didn't get someone pregnant, whether he slept with someone else while he was with you or didn't, he was still doing all these things and you don't have trust for him. And if you were to go back and be in a relationship with him, you're going to feel just as crazy because nothing has been validated and nothing has changed so i would say just keep taking care of yourself keep doing what you're doing and like do not let the potential of what this could be monopolize all of your brain space and yeah also to be clear she hasn't said he cheated on her she just said within a month of breaking up he was back on the apps whilst trying to get back with her so he's like obviously being like well we'll probably get back together but i'll see what's out there at the

Starting point is 00:34:28 same time i think it's okay that you went through his phone in this situation i do i probably would have been tempted to do the same thing I don't imagine he's going to take that well so if you do bring it up with him now and say hey deep buried in your phone in secret squirrel land I found photos of this pregnant woman he's going to be so pissed that you went into his phone and I'm not saying that to say that you did the wrong thing and I say that because I only link it back to your opening sentence which is like the relationship was full of coercive control so if you don't have to go down that track I would avoid it until you do have to have those conversations for sure last question hi girls love the pod cloud included i am currently going

Starting point is 00:35:06 through a breakup but i'm really struggling with the loss of our pet cat that we had together we bought him together but he paid so i guess technically he is his and honestly i think i held out on breaking up for so long because of the cat i just have this constant worry he won't be treated as well as how i was treating the cat and is it silly of me to feel this way over a pet I have asked to see him but my ex says it is not possible and he wants to keep things separate how do I get over this and this guilt I have of leaving the cat with him by the way my ex is a great cat dad but I treat my animals like babies and he sees them as pets that's what makes it hard as there is a big difference oh I mean like breaking up with anyone when you have a mutual

Starting point is 00:35:49 animal together is impossible like it's really hard but I think time like the reality is is that for a lot of people, most people can't co-parent an animal. Some do. It's rare, I would say. It is rare that for the long term, as in like the rest of their life, that people co-parent a pet with their ex. I know that some people do it okay, but in my experience, what I have seen is that people do it for six months or a year or two years, usually until that other person has gotten into another long-term relationship. And then it seems as though one person becomes the primary pet owner and it kind of dwindles over the years this is still really fresh for you it sounds like the breakup is still really really fresh and I think knowing that he's not an arsehole it's not

Starting point is 00:36:33 like he's abusing the cat the cat is well taken care of he is a great cat dad as you've said I think unfortunately it's something that you just have to give time to and know that in time you will feel better about this like you will get over this eventually but it's part of the healing process yeah and I want to say something I don't agree with you got this cat together and whilst he paid I don't believe that makes him his if you get something as a couple you're living together you're sharing things the person that actually puts the money down you're doing it for you guys as a couple like I personally disagree on that even when I got Delilah with Jordan my ex we got her together I paid for her I never said that was my dog like that was always our dog we always made

Starting point is 00:37:17 those decisions together I don't think who actually put the money down it's different if he bought her the cat before you even got together but when you're living together as a couple for me it's all shared I guess my question is though is if she was able to financially contribute but he was like I'm gonna pay for this cat and the reason why he did that is because he wanted to have more ownership over it because it seems like to me that it was clearly always assumed that yes you bought him together but you have even said I guess it is more his cat like and I think that sometimes money does, it depends on the relationship. It depends on how you split your finances, which can be very different. And I think that for some people, monetary input does

Starting point is 00:37:57 define who has more ownership and more responsibility. I disagree. I think when you're living together as a couple and you're buying animals together as a couple, I don't think it matters what money the bank account comes out of. Maybe that's me. Maybe I see finances differently, but unless he said, I really want this cat, I'm going to pay for it and going to get it. And you said, I don't want it. Do you feel the same about registration though? Because you don't have to register pets like maybe it was just registered in his name and yeah it's like everything becomes in one person's name every I think pretty sure Delilah's still registered under Jordan's family's name let's not put that out there I'm continuing to update that for me it doesn't matter this is

Starting point is 00:38:30 an individual thing for me in a relationship living together when you have made that choice to be together I don't think the payment defines the ownership imagine if someone paid for something and you spent five years as the main person looking after that the person doesn't come back five years later and said well I put that money down five years ago it's mine it's the person that looks after it and in this sense I think it sounds like it's equal all I would say that you can do is have the conversation once and say hey if you ever feel like you can't manage the cat anymore or your lifestyle isn't suited to it anymore or you need to be you know going away or whatever I would love to take her I would love to take her full time I would love to take her as

Starting point is 00:39:11 much as possible but at the end of the day I agree with Laura like the co-parenting long term it just doesn't work but if you just let him know that you would love to take over the cat full time because what I think could happen is in a breakup at the start a lot of people do say well I'm keeping the pets I'm keeping the dogs and especially as a man I don't want a blanket statement but I think a lot of people don't realize the responsibility of an animal especially if you become a single cat or dog and or like whatever animal like it is a huge responsibility and all of a sudden it's really hard you can't go out and not come home you can't just have a bender for a night or a couple of days you can't spontaneously go away like you actually have to take something

Starting point is 00:39:52 into consideration and I do think sometimes I say this because I know it's happened a lot of time to people I know this exact thing has happened where a split has happened one person's thought they could take it and realize it's not suited to their lifestyle and that animal has ended up going back to the ex so I think if you just put those feelers out and as much as it sucks you will have to accept that you're not going to see the cat and move on yeah he says that I mean you can put those feelers out but I don't think sit in like cat purgatory hoping that the cat is a boomerang and comes back to you absolutely not I also think like you know you guys have obviously made the decision that it is more his and he has kept it in your separating I don't think that you can back

Starting point is 00:40:30 flip now and be like I expect to have parody the thing is though is like I understand why he says he wants to keep things separate. I get it. I don't think that co-parenting animals works for everyone. And there is not the same rules around co-parenting pets as what there is around co-parenting humans. So unfortunately there is a decision that has to be made. And, and I honestly do think that in time, it is very sad. I'm not saying that you, you're going to never think about it or feel that level of sadness, but like with everything in life, we have the ability to move on from it and there might come a point in the future where you decide to get a different pet that is yours that you never have to compromise in a relationship with and you know that was kind

Starting point is 00:41:11 of me with Buster like when I got him I got him post being in relationships it doesn't matter what relationship I'm ever in I mean I'm not gonna be in any others now but like if Matt walked out tomorrow like he doesn't get Buster right that's very clear he knows that even though Buster is equally his dog now we've been together for eight years of his life but he was just known he's mine he's mine you know and like I unfortunately I also know I'll get raspberry because Matt's not that thrilled about him so that's mine as well Matt will force raspberry on you but I would love to hear from people who co-parent and I'm not talking about people who have co-parent for six months or a year I'm talking your dog is now nine and you've co-parented for six years because I

Starting point is 00:41:50 just do not know that to be an easily sustainable thing. I've always seen it kind of fall apart over a period of time or over the years. Do you know what I did? So I had my, like, let's go back in time. The first relationship that I had that I was in for eight years and I had a house with him and we had two dogs. Like eight years is a long time. I thought that was my person at the time. We were setting up life. Didn't work out. We had two dogs that we got together in the relationship, but we loved them equally I was proper obsessed with those animals and when we broke up we made the decision that they were better off to stay with him purely from lifestyle location yeah he had a house he had a backyard he lived on the beach he could give them what they needed I was moving into

Starting point is 00:42:32 an apartment so that was the decision but we tried to co-parent for a while until I remember going over to pick them up one day and he hadn't his new girl there that he was and he ended up dating this girl for a long time. And I remember it was the moment, like, even though we were okay with the breakup, it just like stabbed me in the heart. And I remember thinking, God, we just have two different lives that we need to live. And so it was a moment where we had a discussion and I said, look, I understand I have to, to this day, 10 years later, I could cry, like giving up my dogs officially. And I remember saying, they're better with you. We can't keep doing this. But if they ever need anything, no matter how many years down the track, I said, call me,

Starting point is 00:43:12 vet bills if they get sick like keep me posted we don't have to have constant communication and he did and like probably five years went past and i was living overseas and he called me and he said i want to let you know we've got like an hour until we have to put me down and i'll just never forget and i was so grateful of like that communication being included but that was the way we decided to do it i know i can't be there every day i know we have to say goodbye and live our lives but like i just want to know that they're okay and whether in life yeah there was a respect there that was maintained. But even like five years later, if they were sick or something

Starting point is 00:43:43 and I need an operation and he couldn't have afforded it, I was like, call me, I'll pay for it. Like I just wanted to make sure. That was my way of saying I'll always look after them without looking after them. There's lots of different ways to do things that suit different people. But I just think the intense long-term custody of pets is just a bit too tricky and a bit too messy.

Starting point is 00:44:04 Yeah, I agree. Well, guys, that is it from us today on Ask Uncut. If you have any questions for us, slide into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast. Please go and join the discussion group on Facebook, Life Uncut Discussion Group. And whatever, if you've got accidentally unfiltered for us, confessionals, any juicy stories, we want them all, so send them on in. And you guys know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends, and share the love.

Starting point is 00:44:26 Sorry, we love love. We love love. We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Did My Husband Get Another Woman Pregnant?

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