Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Do I Tell Him About My Past As a Sex Worker?

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Are we ready? Ooh! Ooh! Spooky! Oh my god, stop. You are anything but spooky, Keisha. You're in a bright pink jumpsuit with tissues on your head.

Starting point is 00:00:13 Like a tiny little handmaid. I'm not overly scared. I'm more scared I'm going to get COVID from the tissues than you haunting me. hi guys and welcome back to another episode of life uncut i'm laura i'm britney and producer keisha is sitting here with two little cute ghost bonbons on her hair so every day i like when we come in to record i pick keisha up on the way to work and i had missed some text message exchanges that had gone on and I saw Keisha from like across the way, like half a block away, and I was like,

Starting point is 00:00:52 what the fuck does she have on her head? And then as I got closer, I still was confused. And then I was like thinking it was kind of very like, I don't even know how you describe it. Yeah, like very like little lamb on the prairies, like you're about to mop the floor. It wouldn't be the most unusual thing because Keisha has been in the clip-on fringe phase, so it might have just been

Starting point is 00:01:11 like an extension of that. She's in bonnet phase now. I do like to accessorize, but no, today I've got my little ghost buns because it's Halloween. Yeah. Happy Halloween, everyone. It was the easiest and most low budget Halloween costume I've ever gone for, but I'm quite liking it. Do you know what I like about you, Keish?

Starting point is 00:01:28 And something that the listeners might not be- Please tell us the thing that you like about Keish. I would like the whole list. Just, I'm only going to tell you one thing. There's more, but this is one of them. It's not the main thing, but it's definitely up there. Oh, this is going to be good. She's very crafty.

Starting point is 00:01:41 Like Keisha loves a crafty little, you know, yeah, a little creative exercise. I love a DIY, but it's more so because I'm a tight ass. So I never would have put, I feel like I know you pretty well and I never would have put crafty in the same sentence as Keisha. Really? No, I like to do a lot of home DIY stuff. You'd never call her crafty Keisha? No, no, it doesn't roll.

Starting point is 00:02:00 I mean, it rolls off the tongue, but it shouldn't. Well, today I'm spooky. Are you guys Halloween people? I feel like there's really two types. There's either people who absolutely love Halloween and have so much fun with it, or there's the people who are kind of a bit like, uh, not for me. Actually, there's a third category. There's the people who are like, it's American. That's true. There are people who are ambivalent and then there are people that are anti-American. And to those people, I also say, well, Black

Starting point is 00:02:24 Friday is coming. So strap on in bitches. Cause I'll be talking about that soon. I'm a bit of like C and B. I'm a bit of C and B. So I grew up in a family where my mom said that exact quote every year. It's too American. You don't need to do it. But back then this is like, I mean I'm 37 it was a long time ago it wasn't as big of a thing in Australia like I mean we had a safety house we weren't allowed to go and knock on people's house and ask for candy like we were like that safety safety home thing that where kids if they got lost could come to our house I remember that it had like the yellow triangles that you'd put on your mailbox with the three faces yeah does that whatever happened to safety houses are they still around I think they realized

Starting point is 00:03:00 anyone could access them so they had to stop probably wasn't monitored no it wasn't monitored very well but I also I'm not big on Halloween because I for the obvious reasons I don't have kids so I'm not going to go trick-or-treating if you ever seen me with a kid trick-or-treating ask questions because I don't know whose kid it is hopefully it's one of mine you could take one of them but we Halloween trick-or-treating the whole thing is big in our household now so this time last year is when we were doing our live shows so like we were smack in the middle of live shows at the moment we literally were doing the Canberra live show at this time last you because we all traveled down to Canberra and the kids came with us and I felt so guilty

Starting point is 00:03:38 because they were missing Halloween so we made like a mini Halloween for them where everyone on the tour like Sam Fisher and Mitch and you guys everyone had chocolates and they went around the bus and got their chocolates in their little pumpkin I still love that you say like we had this amazing tour bus we had like a mini bus we didn't even have windows it was a rented van it was like a remove it was a removalist van but yes they did walk around the removalist van yeah but there was like seven of us and we all had chocolates and the girls got dressed up and then they did their little halloween inside the van and then marley was really hell-bent on wanting to go and knock on random people's hotel doors and i was like we're not gonna do that sweetie it wasn't the

Starting point is 00:04:15 halloween that they'd envisaged that year anyway yeah but this year's gonna be yeah it's gonna be lit i love a dress up i don't want people to think i'm the grinch of halloween i love a dress up i just haven't found the purpose yet to go trick-or-treating by yourself just print delilah I'm like my kid, oh, my God, Delilah. You could dress her up. I could go and she could put the bucket in her mouth. Yeah, but also it's a bit desperate you walking from house to house. Brittany Hockley walking from house to house for chocolates for herself.

Starting point is 00:04:40 But what if they don't know it's me? What if I have like a ghost mask on? Oh, they'll hear me laugh and they'll figure it out. They'll sniff it from a mile away. Well, we're leaving. So like tomorrow, we're recording this the day before Halloween, but tomorrow for our household, like Marley is going to be a witch cat. Lola is a witch unicorn and they are so excited.

Starting point is 00:04:58 that they have been counting down to Halloween in the same way that we would have counted down to Christmas. So every day Lola's like, how many mummy? Two sleeps? Three sleeps. And this morning when she woke up I was like, one more sleep. And then she goes, and then how many sleeps to Christmas? I was like, we're not, it's too far.

Starting point is 00:05:13 You can't do that kind of math, Lola. You can only count to ten, girlfriend, but she's stoked. Do you think they're more excited for the candy or for the dress up? About everything. I think it's just such a novelty for kids and it's something that we did not have when we were younger because, like you said, Britt, it didn't have the momentum that it has now whereas like where we are maybe it's different across Australia maybe there's some areas that are not so like Halloween obsessed but where we

Starting point is 00:05:36 are in our area there's some streets that have like gone all out like the decorations feel like Christmas almost like there's fucking spider webs and goblins and shit all over the place the house next door to us has a graveyard they've turned their entire front yard into a grave site so they've got tombstones all in their front yard okay so great so I recently because I'm looking to move and I was recently I found a house that I wanted to move into and I have been looking to move for over a year I look every day I'm obsessed but I only want to move once for a while so I really wanted to make sure it's the perfect place which is why I'm in no rush and I found the perfect place and then the reason I didn't move is because I know it is the street in Bondi in our area it is

Starting point is 00:06:15 the street that everyone goes to visit for Christmas and for Halloween and I was like I can't make that commitment so I gave up my dream house because I was like I can't be the only house in the street that doesn't go. I'm talking, this is, you'll know the street, Laura. I actually used to live in it. People are putting thousands of dollars worth of decorations up and like, it's so intricate. And then I just imagine you getting to my house and I've just thrown some tissue paper in a tree and I'm like spider web. People are like, that's where the angry Brittany Hockley lives. That's where the Grinch lives. That's where the woman who hates Christmas lives. Can I tell you guys what I'm most excited about for this year's Halloween though,

Starting point is 00:06:50 is something that was posted by one of our lifers, Taylor in the Facebook group yesterday. And I know that a lot of you will already know what I'm about to talk about because you've already jumped on board Pumpkin Gate. So Taylor posted, hi, y'all. Can you please help my grandmother win a pumpkin carving contest? A like will really help. She will get $200 off of her rent. She is 85.

Starting point is 00:07:09 She lives alone and she did this all on her own. I am so proud of her. Please, please like. And she shared a photo from the dwell at Naperville Apartments, which I've actually later found out is in Illinois, the USA. Oh, it's an international competition. We've gone international. We're helping grandma.

Starting point is 00:07:26 We've tapped into the US pumpkin market. We've always said we wanted to tap into the US market. We just didn't think it'd be their time at Village. I didn't think it would be with the nannies, but yeah, I'll take what I can get. It's the most wholesome content. So we were about, I say we, because we're all invested. For Taylor's grandma, Grandma Davis, we were 250 likes behind the winner. So life uncut.

Starting point is 00:07:46 We changed lives. actually when it was posted we were trailing by a lot there was only like more than 250 when we first saw it i think it was about 20 something likes right and the winner at the time was on 1.1 000 and i was like she must be on grandma talk that's a lot that's a lot to catch up by not for life on cart guys the lifers they acted very fast and we are currently sitting at 3.9 thousand likes on grandma davis's pumpkin that's so we've wiped the floor they're gonna be eating our dust i'm not gonna lie i feel a bit bad i feel a bit bad for the other grandma pumpkin carvers no screw them eat our dust we're winning it's a competition not everyone gets a participation

Starting point is 00:08:31 award unfortunately although there isn't another grandma in that competition and she had a couple thousand likes too and i'm convinced that must mean that she's got a well-connected grandchild because there ain't no grandma sitting around in a retirement village that's got that many people to light photos. That's why I think she's on Grandma Talk. There are some famous grandmas out there. There are. There's this one that I follow.

Starting point is 00:08:51 I've forgotten her name now, so it's not going to help anyone. Martha Stewart. No, she's like in her 80s and she always makes jokes about her husband being dead and how she's still dating and in the dating game. I know the exact one you're talking about. I cannot think of her name. She's hilarious.

Starting point is 00:09:06 And she's like always talking about how she's slaying. And every so often she like disappears for a while She's like, ha ha guys, not dead yet. Like she just owns it. Okay. I'm going to find this because I feel like we can't talk about her. Her name's grandma underscore droniac. So for 2023, she did a, my dating rap on 2023. Dating rap this year. We got a lot to cover. I went on five first dates. This is how I met them. I met one at a funeral and he was cute. One was from Instagram. I met one at a bar and two at bingo you might be wondering how many i kissed i kissed all of them this is what happened to them one wasn't honest one died i ghosted two and one became my boyfriend

Starting point is 00:09:51 this is how many ghosts did me because he turned into a ghost one of them ghosted her because he died he turned into a ghost he's like took ghosting to the next level really committed The only commitment he did was to die. Anyway, that's one of my vibes. I have another one. But, yeah, go follow grandma underscore droniak for a good old lol because I think we talk about how, like, things just get worse when you get old.

Starting point is 00:10:14 Like, oh, your life's over. No, not if you're her. You could be 80 and slaying. I just love how much we always talk about, like, our podcast, Life Uncut Community, like the discussion group. We're like, we're out there changing lives. We're helping grandmas win their pumpkin carving competition. Also, I actually think it was the most talented pumpkin carve.

Starting point is 00:10:31 It was really good. we'll put a picture up if you haven't seen it yet. Well, look guys, before we get into your questions, it is time for our vibes and our unsubscribes. Keisha, what is your vibe for the week? My vibe for this week is a film. It actually came out in 2022. So not a super hot take, but it was one of the most impactful and emotional movies I have seen, I'm going to say in my entire life. It's called A Man Called Otto. So the movie itself is about this guy named Otto. It is played by Tom Hanks he's 63 years old and he's a widower and the start of the movie it's really really really sad he's basically got absolutely no purpose so he loses his job and he has nothing

Starting point is 00:11:07 to live for and so he's at the point where he is thinking about actively ending his own life and he's a real grump he's so unfriendly he gets along with absolutely no one until this family moving across the road and gradually as the movie kind of progresses he is needed and he finds this sense of purpose throughout these different neighbors of having to help them he doesn't want to but he has to help them and it flashes back to this beautiful love story that played out with his wife who has now passed away and it kind of makes you have this deeper understanding as to why he is the way that he is the movie gave me the most incredible perspective on the things that are important in life, it was one of those movies

Starting point is 00:11:50 that took me a little bit to actually get into and I thought it's not really going anywhere for the first maybe 20 minutes and by the end of it, my boyfriend and I were tears streaming down our face. Nothing like a good cry at the end of a movie. I disagree. If I know that a movie is sad and I'm going to cry, I don't watch it.

Starting point is 00:12:09 I actively stay away from tears. I usually feel like this but the reason I was really glad that I watched this is I think it was because I watched it with him and it kind of made us have this really beautiful moment together where we were just like oh my gosh we're so lucky to have each other and it was just so so so lovely to have that reminder of the things that are really really important in life and I don't think you usually get that from a fictitional film like I think you can get that from podcasts of really incredible stories and that kind of thing but I highly recommend this

Starting point is 00:12:37 I mean I did get it from one day I'm still traumatized I still think about one day all the time and cry for no reason they're not even real people so we watched it I think we actually had to pay like a five dollar rental on apple tv well worth the five dollars in my opinion but there are a couple of other streaming services that you can find it on that's where we watched it laws well speaking of love this is a very different kind of love story that i'm recommending one that i don't recommend anyone try at home it's a netflix doco and it's called jailbreak love on the run i don't know if you guys remember this but there's a true story about a woman who was a correctional facility officer in the States. And she was like the main officer within a prison.

Starting point is 00:13:17 And she ended up having an affair with one of the inmates. Her name was Vicky. His name was Casey. He was like quite a dangerous convicted felon and she broke him out of jail. So she was supposed to be taking him to one of his like mental health checks or a visitation with a counselor. And they went on the run for several days. And it's the story about how she deceived the entire prison, all of her friends that she was really close friends with and then what happened to their story so how do you go from being a correctional officer to being a convicted felon or a felon yourself it's only one episode which is why I'm recommending it because it's super easy to watch I think it will leave a lot of you intrigued but also frustrated because it was one of those

Starting point is 00:14:00 stories where I mean it's obviously following a very true story things are not always pretty or work out with a perfect bow on them in real life and I think for me it kind of like left me feeling a bit frustrated and a bit angry but also completely fascinated and I think the other part of it as well it really to me kind of showed how somebody who is lacking in any other sort of not self-confidence but self-value are feeling love or affection or feelings that they have purpose anywhere else in their life like Vicky was this just like constant giver and that's how her friends and family describe her and how she managed to kind of fall down such a dark rabbit hole but it was because she didn't have anything in her life that was fulfilling truly fascinating

Starting point is 00:14:43 it's on Netflix I recommend giving it a watch you know I know someone in real life that did that I know a female correctional officer who broke them out of prison she didn't break them out of prison but she was having a relationship with one of the prisoners and got caught yikes what happened let's you can get charged with it. Yeah. I don't know where she's now. I haven't spoken to her in years, but it was a really big thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:09 Spicy. Yeah. Spicy. Sorry, that's all I can say. So my vibe is don't fuck a prisoner. Don't break someone out of prison. Don't fuck a prisoner. Yeah, hear first.

Starting point is 00:15:16 Ooh, vibes and unsubscribe fucking prisoners. Do you know what the crazy thing is? Too far. We should actually do an episode on it. I find it fascinating, but there are so many people who go out of their way to get into a relationship with prisoners. I know we're like, vibe, don't fuck a prisoner. There are people that go out of their way.

Starting point is 00:15:32 they're like I only want to be with a prisoner they start the pen pals they write to them they fall in love it's a whole thing but also I mean you guys did an episode recently on the Menendez brothers both of them have spent the last 30 years in prison they are both married yeah like how does that come about so fascinating I messaged Brit at the time this might be a little insensitive but I hope that you guys do find it funny and I said how is it that we took so long to get people who were willing to like commit to us in relationships and these people in prison are getting married left right and center they've never been able to spend time together yeah it's amazing isn't it wow we're just that undesirable well it does make you think doesn't it I'm gonna take a really

Starting point is 00:16:12 different turn then from your guys vibes because they were wonderful vibes but on the heavier side my vibe is a food love that I have only just discovered well no it's not it's a lie I haven't just discovered it I've heard about them for a long time but I haven't actually ever consumed to them until this past weekend, and I am obsessed. Have they made your chicken nugget dinosaurs in different shapes? Well, it's a dessert. It's a mochi ball. Have you guys had mochi balls?

Starting point is 00:16:39 No. Holy shit. Okay, so I'm going to tell you the brand I specifically had. It's called Little Moons, but there's heaps of different ones. It's a little ball. It's a Japanese dessert, and it tastes like you're eating a kind of dough on the outside, and it's got like a sugary icing flour on it, And then on the inside is an amazing flavoured ice cream.

Starting point is 00:17:00 But the dough ball, it's not actually dough. It's like a Japanese pressed rice on the outside. Is it similar to those little bits that you can get that you put in your yochi? I don't know. I don't eat that. But you can get them anywhere, like Woolies or Coles, just in the dessert section in the fridge. But they're incredible.

Starting point is 00:17:15 I can recommend salted caramel. I had three different flavours, but salted caramel is the bomb. We'll link them all in the show notes. No, please. I tried all three. I did. I tried them all to choose. I was never just going to make my mind up without trying a lot.

Starting point is 00:17:29 I do appreciate the market research you did there. You really came to your vibe well-researched. Genuinely, it is my new obsession. It's my new chicken dinosaur nugget. As always, guys, we link all of the vibes on the website. So if you want to jump on there and have a look or join the discussion group. We do have one thing we want to ask you guys before we answer your questions. We care so much about what you guys think and about giving you guys episodes and content

Starting point is 00:17:54 and podcasts that you actually love and you thrive on, it's really, really important to us. So we've put together our first ever survey. We're talking five years, 250 episodes. No, like 700. Sorry, 650 episodes. And we've never put a proper survey out. We always just put polls up or ask you to let us know in Instagram, but we've gone professional and put this amazing survey out to get your opinion. Yeah. And we want to make some changes next year that reflect the things that you are after so this survey is really going to help us make those decisions so please you know it'll be up there it'll be on stories it'll also be linked in our bio on instagram go it's a really quick survey and it also means that we can bring you exactly the type of podcast that you want to

Starting point is 00:18:35 be listening to all of next year yeah so the survey itself said that it would take about four minutes to fill out so it's not too long but it's also not two seconds but it will help us kind of figure out what you are absolutely loving the types of episodes that you're really enjoying the types of people that we get on the podcast that you're really liking and also we have to be realistic the things that you're not liking quite as much so if you're not if you know if we get all this data that comes through that says that people are really enjoying one part of let's say Ask Uncut and they're not enjoying another part we're going to make some changes so that we're giving you exactly what you want to be hearing and so that you can enjoy it as much as you can. Yeah and it

Starting point is 00:19:13 is super important because we will be making changes next year a hundred percent based on this. So I know surveys aren't for everyone, but if you are an avid listener, then it will matter to you. And you can win a hat. Oh yeah. Do a survey, win a hat. Let's get into the questions. Question number one. I have been long distance with my partner of five years for a little over a year now. He moved for work. He's the most amazing partner and definitely my penguin. In the last six months, he has made a good female friend at work. I've met her quite a few times. She's lovely. We get along very well. Recently, both my partner and his female friend have had to have a change in living situations. And he has asked me if I would be comfortable with them

Starting point is 00:19:56 becoming roommates. He does everything to try and make me feel comfortable and he won't move in with her if I don't want him to. I do trust him and her completely, but it does make me feel a little uncomfortable and I can't put my finger on why. Is it jealousy? I do trust them both. is me feeling weird about it okay or am I being unreasonable and I should just let him move in with one of the only friends he's been able to make it is hard for adults to make friends as you know I'd love to know your thoughts oh it's so tricky look yes I do agree that people can be friends of the same sex if you trust him you trust him and you trust her it's all very important blah blah blah if it makes you feel uncomfortable I would not be saying that I'm cool with it you

Starting point is 00:20:43 don't need to be okay with it. You can be cool with him having female friends. You can be cool with them hanging out. You don't need to be cool with them living together, especially when you're doing long distance and it's already hard. People are going to come for me when I say this. I think if they move in together, there will be a high chance that something will go on or that feelings will develop. And I say that because you're long distance, you don't see each other. You're in a closed environment with a female that you know you get along really, really well a lot of foundations for relationships start with this intense friendship obviously I don't know them plenty of people live together as friends that don't bang that don't hook up like

Starting point is 00:21:23 we know that but if you know that they get along like a house on fire and you can probably take a step back and and say that they're both attractive people that have great personalities you don't have to be okay with it. And I would probably be saying no, not out of jealousy, but I would be saying, well, if there's any part of me that feels uncomfortable, the reason I say I would say no is because you have that tiny percentage that feels uncomfortable. But you are getting cancer for this, just so you know. I don't think I am. I think I'm telling the truth because even if they're never going to bang, right? That's not the important thing here. The important thing here is you don't feel

Starting point is 00:22:00 comfortable with it as a partner of five years. So I don't actually care if they're going to bang or they're not going to bang. It's irrelevant. Well, it's not irrelevant. It's pretty important. But if you don't feel comfortable with it, you're going to, that's going to fester and it's going to build a lot of resentment and you're going to have a lot of questions and queries.

Starting point is 00:22:15 And I just think it's going to create a dynamic within your relationship and within the three of you that doesn't necessarily have to be there. If you had no qualms about it and you're like, I trust them, it's great, then I'd be like, great, let him move in with his best friend. Totally. And that's what I come back to. Do I think, and I want to be really clear because I know that this is murky ground.

Starting point is 00:22:37 I want to be the like really. Yeah, anyone can be friends. Yes, I want to be like the one that has the elevated ideas where I'm like, you know, it's okay, guys and girls can be friends. They can be platonic. It doesn't always mean that something is going to go on. That is absolutely the truth. And whether or not they live together or they don't live together,

Starting point is 00:22:55 if they're going to cheat on you, it's going to happen, right? No, I disagree with that. If you've got the, there's a difference with like if you could bang someone but they live on the other side of the city or if they're in the wall that is joining your wall, your bedroom. And then you have like a seedy drunk night one night and then. You're walking from the, it's way easier in the same room. If they're walking from the bathroom and the towel, whoops,

Starting point is 00:23:14 drops down and a nip comes out. Like there's. Look, my opinion is not that, okay. My opinion is not that that is going to happen. No. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't, like regardless, it isn't about whether or not we're trying to figure out whether there's anything

Starting point is 00:23:29 that could go wrong, right? Because I do genuinely believe if someone's going to cheat, it can happen at any point in time. You either trust your partner and you trust them in all situations that they're going to do the right thing, or there is that tiny bit of doubt. The thing here is, is that you've said that you have in you this little bit of you that doesn't feel okay with you, with this situation. You're okay with their friendship.

Starting point is 00:23:51 You're okay with them spending time together. But there is something about the living arrangement that really somewhere in you, your intuition is like, this is not a good idea. it is okay for you to verbalize that you don't think this is a good idea and it's not saying that you don't trust them it's not saying you don't trust him but you do long distance and you also want to go to his house and feel completely comfortable when you are there because it's an extension of your home right like you are also wanting to be in an environment that you feel super comfortable with and also really confident when you're doing long distance

Starting point is 00:24:22 So I think it's okay to have a conversation about it and to voice the way that you feel without being accusatory, without saying that you think something might happen, because I don't think anything's going to happen, but I understand why you feel the way you feel. And so that's okay. Yeah. You're also going to, even if nothing does happen, which, you know, like I don't think it's going to happen either, but that's not the point.

Starting point is 00:24:46 They are going to develop a very close friendship if they live together. and you are going to have to accept that he's going to be spending more time with her than you because you are long distance, that is a really hard pill to swallow. Even if it is a platonic friendship, like it's really hard to be like, oh, you're more of a confident, you're physically there for my partner and you're emotionally there for my partner than I am there for my partner. And I'm trying to think of Ben and I, you know, we're long distance. If Ben said that he wanted to move in with a female friend, I would probably also be like, is it necessary? Like, is there no one else you could live with like you want to be around this other woman 24 hours a day kind of

Starting point is 00:25:24 thing I think it depends on the friend right it depends on what the friendship relationship is because like you know Matt has lived Matt lived with his best friend who's a female when we met there was never one second of me that was like worried or intimidated I've lived with guys it depends on the friend and I think the and this is the most base take on this but it is true it depends on their chemistry I think and I've lived with guys before and I had no chemistry with them I had no attraction to them so there was never ever this like threat or worry that anything was going to happen because they weren't attracted to me I wasn't attracted to them it was the most platonic thing ever but I guess that that's probably where the insecurity comes from

Starting point is 00:26:02 and maybe you see her and you're like she is his type like if I wasn't around maybe they would be dating you know like maybe there is a feeling there that is a little bit too close to home rather than it just being totally platonic and trusting that they are just friends I don't know and I don't know because we're not you and we're not in this situation well I'm gonna say this not in relation to you and not to scare you but just off the back of what you just said Laura I moved in with someone a guy that I had zero attraction to we were like I fucked him anyway and we were banging for months like yes I moved in with him there was in fact I was unattracted to him it wasn't that there was anything there like there was nothing and I was like perfect

Starting point is 00:26:43 flatmate this was overseas and we were just flatmates for a couple of months but because you're in a closed environment you get a level of comfort and you get to know someone on a deeper level and I'm not I want to be clear I'm not saying this is going to happen to your boyfriend I'm just saying it happened to me and I got sucked in and then we ended up in this awkward situation where we were in this like sex dating purgatory flatmate limbo where we didn't know what we were some days we'd come home as a couple and some days we wouldn't and we'd be like bye and went into our rooms and it was so awkward but my point is that developed because over the months of living together and having dinners together and having a wine together and you get to know someone

Starting point is 00:27:25 and I was like you're actually great and I wouldn't have known how great you are if I didn't spend this much time with you in a closed environment yeah this is a really tricky one because I do feel differently to you Brit because you've lived it you've done it right that's now I understand where your strong feelings come from yeah I feel differently I think it is very very very possible to have a completely platonic male and female living arrangement however making it sound like it is fuck all my friends I've had heaps of platonic I've had heaps of platonic relationships and people I have lived with I lived with a guy for two years in Sydney didn't fuck him nowhere near him was never gonna was never gonna I have I've also done that no it's

Starting point is 00:28:05 It's not about that. It's just about you and your feelings and that's what's important and you feel uncomfortable. Let me finish what I was going to say. What I was going to say is that this has a real separate element to it that I think is different and that is the long distance. Long distance, as we all know, is already really hard. You make lots of sacrifices. You have to have a lot of faith and a lot of trust in your partner. You've got to believe the things that they say for it to work. The foundation of trust is so immense in all relationships, but particularly in long distance relationships. And it already is very easy to have moments where you feel insecure when you're in a long distance relationship, because you don't get

Starting point is 00:28:45 to have the physical affirmation all the time. You don't get to have them in front of you and have that connection. And so I am guessing that there are moments when this is hard, which Britt, I'm sure you can attest that it's the reality of when you run a long distance relationship. Preach sister. so when you add another dynamic in there you add another thing that just makes you feel that little bit insecure that little bit more of like oh god this is really hard for me this little bit more that's a bit othering I just think it's an unnecessary risk to take and if that's how you're feeling now before them actually living together and him posing the question to you

Starting point is 00:29:20 it's rarely ever as bad as what we think it's going to be I'm sure it would be fine if they live together but it's okay for you to say that it's not okay for you and he's asked you the question because he wants your honest answer and your honest feedback. And that doesn't make you an asshole if you verbalize you're not comfortable with this. Yeah, totally. And he sounds wonderful. He was literally like, I won't do it if you don't want me to. So call him on it. Be like, yeah, you're right. I don't want you to. Like he might be trying to do that reverse psychology thing. But also you don't want to be the one that's then stuck in the middle. You don't want to be like used as the weapon as to why it's not going to happen. There shouldn't be a stuck in the middle.

Starting point is 00:29:53 You shouldn't be getting in the middle of two co-workers that are getting along. You're the partner of five years. So yeah, you can lay down the law if you feel that that is your law. And if you don't feel that is your law, let them move in. Boundaries. Yeah. Boundaries. All right. This one is pretty spicy and I wonder if we have different feelings about this. It's a bit of a long one, but bear with me because I think it's worth it. When I was 18, I had a huge body insecurity and felt like I was unlovable unless I got my boobs done. I also could not find a job at the time and thought the way to pay for my boobs was to get into escorting. I was really young, I was really naive,

Starting point is 00:30:29 and had only had one sexual experience before getting into escorting, which is, yeah, really like it's crazy stuff. It's zero to 100, isn't it? I did it for three months but couldn't continue because of my mental health. But I did go back to it a little bit when I was 19 and I saw a client a handful of times before deciding that that was it. I was never going to do escorting again. After I finished escorting, I decided to go to therapy

Starting point is 00:30:52 and I was in a really bad place. Going to therapy completely changed my life. I have now got a career, I finished my degree, and I also have met my now partner who I've been with for one year. I'm only 24 years old. My question is, should I tell my partner about my past and do I need to? And if so, how should I go about doing it? Unfortunately, I do feel like there is still so much stigma around the sex industry. Now, while he's incredible, I have heard him make comments about strippers that he had once slept with saying that she was well just a stripper as if it meant that she was less than aside from that he's very caring thoughtful emotionally intelligent he's also secure and perhaps would struggle to understand what i was going through

Starting point is 00:31:33 at 18 19 i really want to be with him forever and i don't want anything to risk coming between us do you think she needs to tell him and if so how and should she just to start with i'm sorry that you even felt like you had to go and get boobs to feel attractive like even just the opening line is like my insecurities were so bad that I had to get boobs then you felt like you had to do escorting to get the boobs I have a lot of issues around that because it just makes me feel sad that we're in that place but that's not what we're talking about we're talking about the fact that you have to tell your current partner about your past there there is no right and wrong and there is no black and white answer for this question this is so dependent on how you feel internally

Starting point is 00:32:15 about moving forward, about your communication with your partner, about your honesty, what shame you have attached and why. At the end of the day, I don't think you have to tell anybody anything that you don't want. And we always talk about ownership of a story and who owns it. And you own your story. If you don't feel comfortable or you want to forget a part of your life for whatever reason, then of course you can do that. There are a lot of people, and I have a feeling you may fall into this category just because you've written the question in. A lot of people feel like withholding information from a partner is a form of lying, which to some people it will be deemed that way and to some people it's not. If you feel like you want to get this, I want to

Starting point is 00:32:55 say off your chest because you are thinking about it enough to write in this question to us. Do I have to tell him? I feel like I want to tell him, but there's still shame attached. Then yeah, I think you can have the conversation. And I think if somebody loves you enough, you said you want to be with this person forever and marry them if somebody loves you enough they're not going to leave you because of something like this that you did four five six years ago or ever like if they love you now for who you are it shouldn't matter that is definitely easier said than done like it's easy for me to sit here and say if he loves you he'll accept you he might not that says more about him than it's going to say about you I can tell you that yeah I also think it's important

Starting point is 00:33:35 to acknowledge that time is not an indicator of where a relationship is at. So you said you've been with him for one year. That doesn't mean that you are at a place where he is ready to receive information that may impact your relationship. And I also want to unpack this a little bit because something you said is like that it was a really dark place for you and escorting was not something that you did or that you reflect on as being a good part of your life. like we've talked about escorting in a really sex positive way on this podcast all of that is very very true but it is not true if you're doing it because you have no other option and it is filled with shame and filled with regret like that is a really devastating place to be at

Starting point is 00:34:17 and I'm so glad that you were able to get yourself out of it and to get the help and the therapy that you so deeply deserve in order to really change the way that you feel about your body and you feel about your value but also it makes me think that you see it that as it's being shameful as well because you are so fearful to share this information because you have regret around it does it define the person that you are and does it in any way shape the person that you are now and how you are in your relationship I think that that to me is a kind of an important thing to unpack and unpick and I know Britt and I we had a little bit of a discussion about this beforehand but I really don't think you have to tell everything to your partner, especially of a

Starting point is 00:34:58 partner of only one year. It's okay to breadcrumb and to drip bits of your story throughout your relationship. And as you become closer and more connected to someone, and if you think that this story and this conversation, this part of your life is going to make him up and leave you, then maybe he isn't at a place or your relationship isn't at a place where he deserves to know that yet and now it's a different story if in four years time or three years time or however long you've invested in the relationship and you're like oh no he would dump me if I told him this about my past then that just makes him not the right person but I do think that it is okay for you to choose the people and choose the time of which you share the really really traumatic and

Starting point is 00:35:38 hard parts of your life with and I say this because you know both even in my own situation Matt and I have both had big things from our childhoods and from our life and Matt still tells me things about his childhood and still tells me things that I never knew about him. It never will change the way I feel about him, but he still tells me parts of his story that I'm just uncovering. We've been together for seven years. So every relationship is different. And I don't think that everything has to be told. Every single part of you has to be told to the person that you're in a relationship. It just depends on you. I'm the kind of person that's an oversharer and I want to know everything about my partner and I want them to know everything

Starting point is 00:36:15 about me but that's just because it's who I am sometimes I say to Ben like why don't you ask more questions about my past like I want us to know everything about each other but that's how I want our relationship to be I've been in relationships with other people in the past that have not wanted to know anything about my past they couldn't care less because they're like I don't care what you did like we're here now and I care about our future so I think that's more of a conversation you need to have with yourself first what is our communication like what are we like as individuals? What am I going to be comfortable going forward with? Because if you're going to think about this day in and day out for the next couple of years, 10 years, if you're

Starting point is 00:36:52 together that long, if it's going to eat you up, is it worth it? If you're going to spend your life with this person, are you going to be more comfortable living every single day knowing that he loves you completely because he knows everything about you? Because this is obviously eating you up a little bit, which I hate. So for me, when I read this, I would say, absolutely, you do not have to tell him. But I would say, if I was in your situation, I would want to tell him, A, I don't have to keep that secret anymore that's bothering me because it's bothering you. B, then I know that he loves me for me, for how I am. If I was worried that my partner was going to leave me for something that I did five years ago, personally,

Starting point is 00:37:31 I would feel like that is not the right relationship with me, for me. It's a really good litmus for whether he's in this for the right reasons and he's in this because of your relationship and because of you. I just don't think that this is something that you need to feel this much shame for. Like, and I know that we have such a bad perception in society around sex work, but I feel like you're carrying a lot of shame yourself. And even the way you worded the question around, like, I did this for three months and then I went back and then I had to get therapy to straighten my life out. I think that there is way more loaded into this than the escorting because you didn't do the escorting from a place of almost free will. It wasn't like it was

Starting point is 00:38:05 the thing that you were really excited to do and an occupation and career that you wanted to get into. We had a conversation with Angela Wyatt on the pod quite a while ago now. Well, it was this year, but she's one of the world's most famous porn stars. And she talks about sex work in just the most positive, and it was a different mindset towards it, right? But that is not your mindset. and so I think the fact that you feel as though you need to admit this thing you didn't do anything wrong you didn't hurt anyone you didn't commit a crime you just were going through something that for a period of time maybe for yourself you didn't make the best choices for your own self and I'm not saying that that's the case for everyone but in this situation it wasn't for you

Starting point is 00:38:48 I don't think you need to continue to punish yourself if you think it's going to impact the way that your partner thinks of you. You don't need to have that conversation with him until you feel genuinely ready to have that conversation with him. You don't owe it to everyone to tell your story. I just think do what's going to be right for you in this situation. If you think you can't live without this plane on your mind, have the conversation, but there's no rush and no need to do it to say that you're in a long-term stable relationship. If you decide to never ever tell him and take that piece of your life to the grave, that is also okay. A few months ago, I stumbled across my brother's profile on a dating app.

Starting point is 00:39:26 The profile stated that he's not looking for anything serious. Now, we aren't that close. We don't have mutual interests, hobbies, or compatible personalities, but we still see each other as family and we see each other at events, etc. Issue is, he has been in a long-distance relationship for well over a year. She had returned back overseas less than a week before I saw his profile. So it was definitely him. The photos were a hundred percent his, the hobbies, the interests, the age, everything is completely accurate. My brother is not someone I would have ever considered to be a player or in an open relationship. He's very conservative. The girlfriend is also nice enough, very young, very sweet, very smart. Not someone that I imagine

Starting point is 00:40:08 being in an open relationship. I know they're still a hundred percent together because he's going overseas to see her very, very soon. Do I tell her that I saw him on a dating app or do I stay out of it? What a flog. Tell him you saw him. I would bring it up with him for sure. Would you not just send him the screenshot? Ew, on your brother. Fucking gross. Super like him. The thing is though, is if you've seen him, he's probably seen you as well. That's how online dating works. He's very ballsy. I don't understand how people who are in relationships open up online dating profiles like I don't understand how they get away with it because they all just say it's not me I've been catfished it's a fake profile that's what they do the problem is is even if you tell her

Starting point is 00:40:50 she's probably not going to believe you most the time these types of things like yes the person who's doing it can figure out a way to lie themselves out of it right like oh I got catfished it's an old profile you know I only activated it for a day to look at something and then I turned it off but somehow my my fucking you know profile's still out there in the nether floating around updated pics from yesterday. That was what my ex was very good at getting away with. He was always like, I have no idea how my Tinder profile is still live. It's not even on my phone. And if you're stupid enough, you'll believe that as a story. But I look, I would probably send it to him. I would probably give him the heads up that I know. Although I don't know what reaction you're

Starting point is 00:41:32 going to want from him. Like he's either going to ignore you or he's going to say, oh, that's not me or whatever. He's going to lie to you too. What would you do for it? Like, would you send it to her no girl code I'd be having no and I only say this because if I knew that they were more serious and I knew that they were living together or getting married or whatever or but at this point it's been a year and they're long distance they they might not know if they're each other's people you don't know if they're open I'd probably stay out of it because you also said you're not that close to him like you see you said you see him sometimes at family events so you're not tight right I'd probably stay out of it I'd probably tell him that I know and I'd

Starting point is 00:42:05 say stop being a fucking flog and do better like you know I would say that to him but I don't think I'd get involved at this point. I also think that there's probably some assumptions being made. Like if they're doing long distance, they may have had a bit of a breakup. They might've gone through a bit of a hairy patch. Like you don't know the intricacies of their relationship. I understand that you might say that there's no way that they're in an open relationship, but they might have gone through a week where they thought they were going to break up and then they got back together. You just, you do not know. They also might be open. Even if you think he's conservative and she's sweet, let me tell you, sweet doesn't mean they don't like to get down and dirty.

Starting point is 00:42:38 it's true it's true they might be but also like I think I come back to this with a lot of these types of questions because and we do a lot of cheating questions more often than not and that's because it is such a fucking unbelievably common thing but I often have the same response to it and that is is I don't want to invite that level of drama into my life like it is not your responsibility to take on the role of vigilante for other people's relationships so I think if this is the situation that you're in you don't have any of the facts other than knowing that he's online dating, I wouldn't be doing anything other than maybe just sending a screenshot to him and being like, oh, I thought you were in a relationship. That's it. See, I was just thinking

Starting point is 00:43:16 I would send a screenshot to him and say, what the actual fuck? That's what I would say. I would say, what the fuck? He'd be like, well, we broke up for a week. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. That's what I mean. I would let him know that I know and make sure I'm telling him to do better because I think that's really important. You've got to think if you were that girl in that situation, you'd be hoping someone would be sticking up for you, but I just wouldn't be getting involved have you ever been in a situation where you've seen someone online dating who you know has a girlfriend when you've been swiping around my partner your own boyfriend my own boyfriend why were you on the dating app I'm joking no other people did other people saw

Starting point is 00:43:52 my boyfriend on there and I was like obviously that's fake obviously that's not him no I haven't seen it if I saw anyone that was close to me like if I saw any of you guys like Toblerone or Maddie J then a hundred percent I'm telling you guys yeah yeah different different yeah but I told this on the podcast a couple of years ago you guys remember but there was one one time I did this and I had deep regrets it was like I knew the girl through my group of friends so she was like in another group of friends attached so I knew her enough but we were not close we would never hang out barely in a group let alone together one-on-one and I found out that her partner was cheating right and I was like fuck what do I do this is the girl code that everyone talks about what do I do

Starting point is 00:44:41 and I told her and I regret that decision in a way I wanted her to know because she was really trying she wanted to marry him they were together for five years they lived together so it was like it was serious so I did think it was important that she knew but it probably shouldn't have come from me I learned a really big lesson the drama that came into my life off the back of that for a long time. It was a lot. I had to deal with a lot because all of a sudden they both wanted, they're both bad mouthing me. They're both, one of them's not believing me. The other one's blaming me. Then the other one wants more information and it's calling. And I was like, what have I done? I just wanted, I just thought you deserve to know the information, but the flow on effect was more

Starting point is 00:45:17 than I ever could have imagined it would have been. But that I think is such an important lesson because I think people underestimate the level of aftercare that's required when you are the messenger who provides the information around cheating the aftercare is so great you can't just drop that bomb and be like oh I wanted you to know good luck with the information well you can but it's not the respectable thing to do no it really isn't and always that person's going to want to know more and in this instance you don't have any more you literally just have a screenshot I had this situation happen to me my ex who cheated on me who I knew about quite a few of the times that he cheated I found out two months after we'd broken up I was away on a work trip in

Starting point is 00:45:56 Bali with some of my staff from Tony May and some of my friends one of my she was you know she was a staff member but she was also a friend and she was a bit younger than me she was like hey I have something that I need to tell you and I was like what is it and she was like um I didn't know this at the time but I discovered it when you were still dating him my friend my best friend matched with your boyfriend at the time on tinder and they went on a date and I only discovered that this was the case because I'd seen all his photos because she'd shown me at dinner and almost three days later he rocked up at the shop and I didn't know what to do and I never told you and and then I found out after the fact and I felt really stupid I was like well if you had that information

Starting point is 00:46:36 and you didn't tell me at the time just never tell me like keep that to yourself you don't need to like release that information to clear your guilty conscience because now I just feel it's a situation where you guys, you all knew this, you all knew about it and nobody told me, no one protected me. So I was like, if you're going to make that decision, then you got to keep that decision to the grave. That's difficult. That's really difficult though. I was her boss. Yeah. So there's a, there's a whole nother dynamic that goes into that. I completely understand why she didn't know what to do. She wants to keep getting paid who you could have been a crazy woman. That's like, bye. Absolutely. I completely understand as well. And you know, in those

Starting point is 00:47:12 instances when you don't want to hear the truth, you often believe the person who's cheating on I guess my point to that is if you're not going to share the information which is my that's my advice most of the time it's keep it to yourself if you're not going to share it don't then share it months down the track of like oh hey yeah just here's a little bit more evidence to prove to you that actually you made the right decision but maybe that's what she was doing maybe she's like hey he really was a fucking flop that's exactly what she did which I think is fine it makes you feel better because what if you were holding on a little bit what if that was the little bit of information that you needed to not go back especially you because you go back

Starting point is 00:47:47 frequently yeah no no i'd already i'd already made up my mind but it was just like an unnecessary nail in the coffin when we were already broken up and i was having a great time in bali i was like why the fuck are you telling me this yeah you ruined my night i actually had the same thing so like my sociopath that had like the double life it was like a year and a half later and i got a call from someone else saying hey can we talk about it because i just want you to know And I was like, I fucking don't give a fuck now. I was like, it was so long ago. Sometimes people tell you these things and it's to clear their own conscience.

Starting point is 00:48:17 It's not actually about you. It's not actually about doing the best thing for you and the girl code, et cetera, et cetera. It's because they've been holding onto something and it's almost like a gossip piece or it's because they want to get rid of it because it's making them feel uncomfortable. And in those instances, I think that that's really shit. Guys, that is it from us.

Starting point is 00:48:34 We're getting out of here. Keep your Ask Uncut's coming in. Just write to Life Uncut Podcast on Instagram, Ask Uncut. You're always anonymous. You can also email us if you prefer. And we put all of our little juicy bits on YouTube now. So Life Uncut Podcast on YouTube. And you know the drill.

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Do I Tell Him About My Past As a Sex Worker?

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