Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Do You *Self-Pleasure* At Work? 🙈

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Welcome back to Ask Uncut, where we answer all of your deep, dark and sometimes deranged questions! Laura has one of her own first up! If a kid at preschool had taught your kid swear words, would you dob on them? Vibes for the week: Keeshia: I Love Linen Mattress Topper Laura: Koala Couch& Baby Reindeer on Netflix Then we jump into your questions: MY PARTNER CONSISTENTLY WETS THE BED WHEN HE DRINKS & HE WON’T STOP DRINKINGMy partner (M37) is a big drinker and also has an overactive bladder which leads him to wetting the bed basically every weekend when he drinks. I’ve expressed my discontent with this numerous times throughout our three year relationship and have tried to help by buying nappies, setting alarms during the night and trying to trick him into sleeping in other rooms. I’ve also pushed him to see a urologist where he now takes medication to urinate less throughout the day however as the bed wetting is primarily a problem from alcohol, he’s still frequently wetting himself. This impact also extends to when we go away with friends, for weddings, on holidays etc and he makes no effort to drink less and I’m left to monitor him throughout the night to make sure he gets up to pee and doesn’t wet the bed as we have no where else to sleep. I’m at my wit’s end and have even gone to see a relationship counsellor who basically said (long story short) that if I try to change the un-changeable then I’m going to drive myself crazy and I basically need to learn to live with it. My partner has an enormous victim mentality about this and his only emotional response is that “it’s not fair that his mates can drink as much as they want without this problem” and “why me, it’s not fair”. Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to drink less to stop this problem? If he was in his early 20s I’d give him time grow out of it, but at nearly 40, I’m heavily considering leaving the relationship because it’s so sad and unattractive, and I don’t want this for my future. Please tell me if I’m being too hard on him like he says that I am. IS IT OK TO WANK AT WORK? I randomly asked my husband when he last had a wank, to which he replied “uh, probably last week?” Me being a stay at home mum who is home…ALL THE TIME, then asked “was I home?” He so casually responded “oh no, nine times out of ten I’d have a wank at work.” Now, I’m NOT here to yuck someone’s yum, HOWEVER, this is NOT the first partner I’ve had to do this! My husband is a tradie, one was in real estate, another was in the medical area. My question is… is this normal? Why not do it at home? Is it a risk kink thing? HUSBAND NOT REACHING OUT WHILST AWAY My husband has gone to Darwin for a week for a friend's 40th (we live in NSW) which is fine. I encouraged him to go. I am at home with our 2 children, aged 2 and 4 months. I am feeling a little bit let down with how often he is checking in with me while he is away. I feel like I have been initiating all contact with him, sending messages with updates of the kids etc and he takes hours to respond if at all. He doesn’t bother to send good morning or goodnight messages or calls. And I can see that he has been active online. He is staying at his brother's house and I know for a fact they have just been sitting around drinking for the last few days. Am I being unreasonable thinking he should be checking in on us more? I have pulled back on how many times I initiate contact to see whether he would pick it up on his end, but he hasn’t. Should I bring it up with him or just let it go? WEARING A BRA TO WORK Do you always wear a bra to work? I haven’t a couple of times, I have small titties and wear normal neckline tops. I thought I could absolutely get away with it, but I did notice one of my male coworkers looking down and it made me feel a bit weird. I have a desk job and am worried it might not be very professional. Would love your thoughts! You can watch us on Youtube If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Keisha, and you are particularly chirpy right now for someone who's not very medicated. We've been awake now. Sorry, not very caffeinated, not medicated.

I'm not medicated at all, but I am caffeinated, and I am going to go into my second coffee, and I'm okay with that. It's because we've been up since like 5 fucking 30 in the morning. We've had one interview before this, and now we're back to back in today. Yeah, and I don't want to breadcrumb everyone, but that might be one of my favorite interviews ever. That is a breadcrumb. It was Johan Hari.

He's great. We love him. yeah it's all about diet drugs so drugs like ozempic it's coming out very soon yeah we've been wanting to do an episode on ozempic for a very long time it's been the top of my list but finding someone to talk about it who's not promoting it and also doing it in a way that is sensitive to everything that we've spoken about in the past in terms of fat shaming and the body positivity movement it's almost like how do you have those two conversations at the same time which is why we found johan because he is amazing and he can do everything and that is coming up

very soon but today is ask uncut where we answer all your deep your dark and your burning questions and keish i have a question for you now i know you're not a mom but i would like to know how you would respond in this situation so yesterday i was getting marley ready to get in the bath and she goes hey i know what the f word is now for anyone who doesn't know marley is four she's four years old and she goes to preschool she goes I know what the f word is and I was like oh do you and she's like yeah and the h word and I was like what's the h I'm still not sure about that anyway I was like what's the f word and she goes fucking and I was like I'm sorry what and she goes it's fucking and I was like I mean you could have just said fuck but sure it is it is also fucking and I

was like how did you know this and she goes and it's also fuck and I was like okay please stop say her sister was in the bath next to her like the two-year-old the three-year-old she's got the adjective and i don't give a fuck yeah she had it all she was like here's the plural here's all of the ways in which you can say the word fuck i'm kind of impressed by that no i'm not i am absolutely not and i was like marley and she goes yeah it's a word you're not allowed to say it but this is it she kept saying it and saying and saying it and i was like marley you need to stop saying that word now it is very very naughty come with me we're going to go out of the room and she just kept saying it in front of Lola and Lola was like what's that word fuckity fuck anyway so I take

her out of the bathroom and I sit her down and I was like you're not in trouble but it is a very very naughty word I'm glad that you told me that you know how to say it I was like but could you talk to me about why you know because we don't we don't swear around her as much as I swear so much you guys probably like what we really try not to swear around her at all because we're such upstanding parents who taught you this word so that I can crucify I was like is it Anikisha Probably. She is a smutty talker. So anyway, I asked her and she was like, oh, this boy at school,

and she said his name, who she said anytime the teachers aren't watching or listening, he will say swear words, but also says it to other kids. And more is just like trying to exercise his right to use a word that he's obviously been told he can't use. Sorry, I want to tell that little kid that he can go get fucked. He's not telling Marley to fuck off. He's not telling her that he doesn't fucking like her. Who is he?

I'm coming to daycare. I'll give you the name when we're not on record. This sounds stupid. Now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm like, okay, it's so obvious. But I was like, do I call the daycare and dob on this four-year-old? Is that what we do? Do I tell the daycare that this four-year-old is doing this? Or am I being a helicopter parent?

Or is that a situation where you're like, look, the teacher should know? Look, I grew up in a really quite conservative environment. And I think there's a lot to making something a forbidden fruit. human nature is it just makes you want it more yeah like you're making a big deal out of it and so they're just gonna do it more that's my thing i was like is it making it a bigger problem by singling him out and being like he is so naughty i mean he's four he's just got bigger brothers he doesn't know how naughty it is yeah i mean i can't speak from any lived experience whatsoever because i'm not responsible for young children but through my own experience i think if i was

in this situation I would ear on the side of like trying not to even speak about it and make it something that's super forbidden because like it's gonna happen at some point anyway I mean they're gonna she's gonna go to school soon like it's going to be spoken about people are gonna say it and I think that in my experience because there was such an emphasis on swearing and you know using the lord's name in vain and all these different things all these different rules in my household i love the swearing and also using the lord's name in vain we're all together all encompassed i've got marley like fuck it and you're like blasphemy stop stop it i wasn't allowed to say oh my god okay but did it this is what i mean it was it made it something that i am now kind of

thinking maybe if it wasn't something that was so forbidden i wouldn't have been so inclined to like think about it in a cheeky way so I don't know okay it's hard to say because I guess every kid's different I'm really on the fence with this hopefully by the time you guys listen to this slide into my dms tell me what you think I kind of want to call the daycare and be like hey just keep an ear to the ground I kind of want to say something only because I'm like well if she has come to me and she's told me this information as a parent am I supposed to do something with it so she feels like she's listened to and I know there's so many ways you can mess your kids up I'm just like I'm trying to do with the least amount of damage as possible therapy is going

to be very expensive one day I think you could be a bit of a Karen by calling there could be a secret option C and it could be that when you pick her up from daycare you could maybe mention it to one of your favorite teachers and just be like look I just want to let you know that this happened I don't necessarily want you to do anything about it I'm just making you aware and you guys can make your own decision on where you stand on it. But this kind of feels to me right now like Brit rousing on us because one time, one time we did an Ask Uncut. It was our first ever.

If you guys have watched the YouTube, the very first time Keisha and I ever did an episode together, Brit was away because I think she was doing fertility stuff at the time. No, she was in Scotland. Okay, she was in Scotland. We had issues with the cross-continent record. For everyone who's always like, why doesn't Brit just move to Scotland and you guys can record from there.

We've tried. It really doesn't work. That's the problem. Anyway, we couldn't do this record one day. The internet wasn't working. Keisha had to step in. There was a lot of swearing at the start of the episode. It was very funny though.

It was a bit unhinged but also it was one of those things where we kind of thought it was going to be where we stopped down and like reset and start the podcast together. And we're like, nah, fuck it. And we were like, fine, this is actually really funny. And so we just left it and I thought it was fine. I was like, yes, there's a lot of swearing. One particular word that came out of my mouth probably shouldn't have.

It wasn't the F word. And I thought the juice was worth the squeeze. And Britt reviewed that YouTube and she was like, guys, this was crass as anything. We were like, sorry, Mum. I was like, fuck off. It's fine. She did call us to tell us.

It was kind of like calling the daycare. Now, you know, we got roused on by my boss, but you're equal. And so now you have to make the decision as to whether you're going to be the Brit in this situation or whether you're going to be the us. Maybe I'll make Matt be the Brit. That seems like a better solution. Heaps better solution. I will make Matt call daycare and then I can pretend like I'm above this.

Anyway, I'd love to know what you guys, if there's any parents out there who have had to deal with this type of thing. We are all just kind of making our way through. I don't know what I'm doing as a parent. I'm trying really hard and I'm maybe doing okay 90% of the time and the other 10% I think you're doing way better than 90% of the time. You have beautiful little girls who are really polite and they've got gorgeous mouths. I actually love your children and I'm not like that with everyone's.

I'm like that with my own nephews and your kids and that's pretty much it. That's a real compliment. Well, you did have a bit of a go at me last night. A go is a bit harsh, but you mentioned to me while I was on the phone that I was on loudspeaker and I was swearing, so I am. Yeah, so I'm pretty sure it's this kid at daycare and also Anikisha that are the real culprits for my children's potty mouth. Anyway, we have some, actually we have such a good breadth of questions today.

One of them actually featured on the Facebook page and it got you guys so riled up and so we really wanted to do a deep dive on that on the episode. That's coming up, but first it's time for vibes and unsubscribes. Keisha, what is your vibe or unsubscribe for the week? I mean, I already posted about my unsubscribe we spoke about on Tuesday. I'm not going to mention it. You can't speak about the unsubscribe because it's also my vibe. So stop shitting on it, okay?

Okay, we'll get into that. I have an actual vibe this week and I'm back into the luxuries of sleep. Now, I want to make this really clear before I talk about it. I Love Linen have been a sponsor of the podcast before, but they weren't at all involved in this, like as a normal customer. So I initially saw this recommended on Kelly Finlayson, who I've had on the podcast before, on her Instagram account. So it's a mattress topper.

This one is called Hotel Cloud Collection. it is the softest most comfortable it feels like a hug from within mattress topper it is delightful I thought it was made of feathers and to be honest I didn't look what it was made of before I purchased it I just went that looks really comfy it was recommended on her Instagram apparently heaps people wrote in to her about it I'm gonna get one it looks great I purchased it while it was on sale so I got it for $2.59 which is currently what the price is if you go onto the website and I just assumed oh my gosh these feathers are so cozy turns out no it's actually vegan it's some microfiber filling that feels like feathers and silk and I actually can guarantee you

no ducks were killed for this no chickens were plucked it is so comfortable it has been the greatest joy of my last week and I vibe the heck out of it what is the what's the brand event I love linen I love linen and it's a mattress topper yeah so you know the things that you put like if you have a I know what a mattress topper is you're gonna go into the detail of explaining it that thing that you top on a mattress it goes under your fitted sheet has a strap goes on top so it's kind of a it's a couple inches thick and it seems to be in these little squares of what I assumed were feathers turns out not feathers but that's what it feels like and so as you lay into it it just feels as though it's giving you this like little cloud cuddle and it's so good I am enjoying

that we're back in the sleep hygiene era I've had really bad sleep lately it's a very sleep hygiene is like a real 2020 thing isn't it it's the elixir of life Laura it's like ice bars and sleep hygiene and I don't know what are the rest of it used to be infrared saunas well like these are it firstly it's free microdosing like it's all the same oh god we're not gonna get into micro dosing. Anyway, it is my vibe for the week. I love it. If you're in the market for a mattress topper, highly recommend. Okay. I have two recommendations this week. One of them is something that I've actually had for a while, but I discovered a feature about it, which has made me love it so much more. So I have two koala couches, you know, koala mattresses. So koala mattresses,

I've never had one, but every influencer under the sun talks about koala mattresses. I'm sure they're great. And I'm sure they're also getting paid to say so. I am not getting paid to say that their couches are great. Just putting that out there. So I have their fold-out couch, which is like a sofa bed fold-out that goes in our spare room. But then I also have like their couch couch, but like a three and a half seater, big couch in our lounge room. The fold-out one is super practical. It's really, really convenient. It's a bit too hard, needs a good topper. So that's Great. You could get a twofer. That's my review on that. But the actual big couch that we have in our lounge room is fucking fantastic. And the reason why I'm recommending it is because

only this weekend I discovered, because it doesn't, you know, normally when you can remove the covers of a couch, it looks like a couch that you can remove the covers of. The covers never quite fit well on it. It looks as though that it's a bit ill fitting or all the covers are always a little bit too big for the couch itself. So I never ever realized that you could remove the couch covers of this koala couch and chuck them straight in the washing machine until I dropped an entire glass of red wine on it on Sunday night. And then I was like, well, that's the couch gone. Anyway, Matt was like, I wonder if you can take these off. Lo and behold, the couch covers come off. They went in the machine and the couch looks brand new. So if you've been considering a koala

couch, highly, highly, highly, highly recommend. And then my last and very quick recommendation, which I know we spoke about it at the very end of yesterday's episode sorry Tuesday's episode but that is Baby Reindeer I have watched the whole thing now and I think it is brilliant I think it is brilliantly shot it's on Netflix if you haven't seen it it's been widely talked about widely recommended it is a really incredible well-documented story and the main actor in it is also the writer of it it is a true story or true from his experience and it's all around stalking and it features around a female stalker which i don't think you see as often but it is very very very brilliantly done i have my own opinions on it but something i have actually

seen a lot of publication in the last 24 hours about uh how he is quite actively asking people to stop looking into who the real martha is to me this just seems like such a full circle conversation because she stalked him he's now created this huge sensational tv show about it and now people are stalking her and he's kind of toying with the idea that he's made this so insanely public that she's going to suffer at the bottom of the pylon and i think he's having some complex feelings about it it's a very i mean if you guys haven't seen baby reindeer yet i don't want to spoil anything for you but yeah it does feature around martha she is the person who's stalking you've discovered that in the first episode I think it even comes up in the bio

yeah I guess for me I have some complex feelings around and this is probably an unfair thing to say but it's almost around the like what did you expect because I think if you go so hard with this is a true story but you only tell the parts of it that you know you give people so much of course people are going to want answers and that's just the result of being invested in the series I'm not saying that that is okay I think it is deeply fundamentally wrong I mean this woman's She's already paid the price for what she has done. There is another person who is in the movie who I think, or in the show, who I think should be getting more airtime.

It is somebody who has not yet paid the price for the crimes in which they committed, and it's around sexual assault, it's around grooming, and I think that that person should really be where the audience is focusing their attention and focusing their interest. But, I mean, I'm talking about the show purely from, like, an entertainment perspective, purely from viewing it and thinking it was really quite a fascinating and I wouldn't say it's enjoyable but it makes

you feel something to watch it but I do question when something is a true story it's a true story from one person's perspective from one person's lived experience and so it is very one-dimensional in that case and I think it's unfair when as an audience we try and get more information or try and fit the pieces of puzzle together because there's real people at the end of the day who are affected by this. I actually find this whole conversation really really fascinating because on one hand anytime you speak in a public space and this could be done on your own Instagram account you know that is somewhat of a public broadcast there is that deliberation between what is my story and my lived experience and how much sensitivity do I need to provide and privacy

do I need to provide for the other people in my life yeah who have been a part of my life and it's something that I remember back in my very early days of radio I crossed that line a little bit like occasionally not hugely but every now and then I would have someone in my life like my mum was one of them and she was like hey I heard this thing that you said on the radio could you just like not talk about that publicly because I just I'm just I don't want that to be your story 100% and I just find that concept very interesting because I don't know where you can draw the line because for every person it will be different but also how are we going to have any progression of you know real lessons I guess if we're not telling the stories of people so it's this kind of complex

gray area that I don't even know where you can land yeah and I guess the thing if you if you haven't watched Baby Reindeer yet what I took from it is that he is not a perfect victim in this and that there was also an element of the stalking that he enjoyed he enjoyed being part of the center of attention not center of attention but he enjoyed how it made him feel because he was so deeply depressed and hated himself and having someone show interest in him. But then it gives me more empathy for the person who's the stalker because they're obviously mentally unwell and they have been almost like led down the path and being given breadcrumbs of affirmation that what they're doing isn't wrong. So it's very, very complex. It'll make you feel something. I'm not saying

that those feelings are going to be good feelings. Big recommendation. It's on Netflix. Let's get into answering the questions. Laura, this question was initially written in the Facebook group by Megan who is a wonderful woman who posts on behalf of other people anonymously in the group huge shout out to you you don't get enough recognition on the podcast we love you and Hannah Lauren is the other I would just love to get your take on it the question reads please let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not my partner male 37 is a big drinker and also has an overactive bladder which leads him to wetting the bed basically every weekend when he drinks I've expressed my discontent with this numerous times throughout our three-year relationship and

I've tried to help by buying nappies, setting alarms during the night and trying to trick him into sleeping in other rooms. I've also pushed him to see a urologist where he now takes medication to urinate less throughout the day. However, as the bed wetting is primarily a problem from alcohol, he's frequently still wetting the bed. This impact has extended to when we go away with friends for weddings, on holidays, et cetera, and he makes no effort to drink less and I'm left to monitor him throughout the night to make sure he gets up to pee and doesn't wet the bed as we will then have nowhere else to sleep. I'm at my wits end and I have gone to see a relationship counselor who basically said, long story short, that if I try to change the unchangeable and I'm going to

drive myself crazy and I basically need to learn to live with it. My partner has an enormous victim mentality about this and his only emotional response is that it's not fair that his mates can drink as much as they want without this problem and why me it's not fair am I being unreasonable in expecting him to drink less to stop this problem if he was in his early 20s I'd give him time to grow out of it but at nearly 40 I'm heavily considering leaving the relationship because it's so sad and unattractive and I don't want this for my future please tell me if I'm being too hard on him like he says I am when I read this question and for so many people who message in the Facebook group, I was like, wow. Wow. Okay. I'm going to start. Everyone accepts

different things in their relationship. Everybody has a different benchmark for what they will accept from their partner when it comes to behavior, when it comes to things that they can and they can't control. Everyone's level is different. Yours is very different to where mine is because I already wouldn't be in this relationship because of this. But I do understand what the therapist has said, even if I don't agree with it. What they're saying to you is that if you want to be in a relationship with this person and they are absolutely not going to change this behavior, then there has to come a point where you accept that this behavior is not going to change. And that's something where your standards drop because you want to be with

them specifically. I would like to approach it from the other perspective, which is I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who requires me to drop my standards so much because they prefer to drink than to stop pissing the bed. Like for me, I read this and I would say your partner has a problem with alcohol. If they're drinking to a point where they wet the bed every weekend or every time you go away to an event, that is a drinking problem. That is an issue with alcohol and and when he says oh it's so unfair that my friends can do xyz but I can't that is welcome to the real world it's so deeply immature like to me I listen to that and I'm like what if your friends stick their head in the oven are you going to like that mentality I would say

that to a four-year-old and the fact that you have to say that to a 40-year-old would give and I don't want to be like it gives me the ick but it's so deeply gives me the ick it is so childish to me that you were left in a situation where you were the one who is having to try and fix this problem and when you're saying it leaves us with nowhere to sleep or you're having to go and buy nappies or you're having to clean up he is a grown fucking adult and you are not his mom you are not responsible for his incontinence and it would be very different if he was incontinent because he'd had prostate cancer or incontinent because he had some sort of urology issue but the fact is that it comes from alcohol and so to me I'm like your problem here is that your partner has an issue

with alcohol I said exactly I mean very much along these lines in the Facebook group when I initially commented on this and I said that I would have a much deeper sympathy if this was purely a medical issue but it's not because he is able to not wet the bed every other day of the week yeah the thing I really pointed out is that for him it seems as though there aren't consequences to his behavior and that's where I think things have progressively gotten worse yeah I question why firstly I find it very strange that he doesn't have shame about this why is he not the one having to fix these situations why is he not the one to have to tell your friends while you're away hey sorry we need to get some fresh linen because I've wet the bed again you know it just seems as

though there's no consequence for him because you care about him so much and you're so worried about him feeling shame that you do it all for him there was actually a comment by Tennille in the Facebook group that I thought was, it just summarized absolutely everything. And she said it better than I did. She said, would I leave a good relationship because someone had an overactive bladder and wet the bed? No. Would I leave a relationship because my partner treated me like his parent, didn't listen to my clear communication, didn't take into account my feelings and the effects his life had on me, was having an issue based on his own actions and choices and still chose not to do anything about it someone who decided he was the victim and I just have to

live with the consequences of it and someone who is clearly self-absorbed and didn't respect me yes I absolutely would drop mic yeah this summarized that it comes down to a respect issue 100% and like I just I actually feel so frustrated for you because the audacity of this person to treat you like you are worthy of being pissed on in the middle of the night you know like how is drinking with his friends to the extent that he does because he thinks it's fair that if old mate has a beer he gets to have one too how is that more important to you than urinating on your partner it's just fucking wild to me but also like i mean i don't know have you ever been in a situation where a partner's drunk so much that they've pissed the bed because i have i

haven't actually i i have and i've also been in a situation where i've had people stay at my house and their boyfriend got so drunk that they pissed in my bed. So I've been on both sides of this point. I came home one day and my mattress was out on my balcony drying out because their boyfriend had wet my bed. And to be fair, she was furious and he was embarrassed and he had to come to me and apologize and he tried to clean it. But I appreciate at least the embarrassment

and I appreciate at least the acknowledgement of it. But also that relationship, one of the biggest reasons why their relationship broke up and they were married is because he had a drinking problem and because when he would drink, he would piss the bed. And so this was repeated behavior that he took absolutely no accountability for. And so I think that there comes a point where you're like, do I want to live like this? You're not 20 and you've said it. If you're 20, you would have given him allowances. I mean, the reference I have is, is when I was in my twenties, I dated a guy who, when he drank too much, he would wet the bed. He did it twice. He never did it again. He was

humiliated it was like he needed to do it once to be humiliated in the first place and then he needed to do it twice to know what his limit was and he was like oh I got there again that's what that limit was right and he never ever did it again but he it's exactly what you said Keisha it's the lack of embarrassment around it and I'm not saying that like if you're and I want to be clear I think we already have if you are someone who has incontinence issues that you can't control I don't want you to feel that there's this deep shame around it but if it's something that you can control but you are not because you are preferencing alcohol that I think is something that is pretty shameful and it's something that I think you should be at least trying to get to

the reason as to why why are you needing to drink on a weekend to a point where you don't have the ability to wake up to control your bladder like that is past the point of normal drinking I fully agree with everything you've said my last point is that I think if you are determined on staying in this relationship, which it actually doesn't sound like you are. You said you're at your wit's end. You're kind of at the point where you're about to break and I think that that is so reasonable. No, also the thing you've said here is please tell me

if I'm being too hard on him like he says that I am. No, he's gaslighting you. You are being gaslit into believing that you haven't been tolerant or understanding or accepting enough. That's what this is. You've been manipulated to feel guilty about the fact that you have adverse reactions to this. I think the only way you will be able to progress in this relationship is if you get to the heart

of why he's feeling the need to drink often with any type of substance abuse alcoholism there is a reason there is a deep reason why people feel that they need to drink to the extent that they do is it to forget something is it to not have social anxiety and I know I'm giving so much leniency here and it's not my natural reaction. I'm just trying to think of this a little bit more wholeheartedly. I think if you're able to understand the reason why he feels the need to drink to that extent, it might give you a little bit more context and it may lead you to a potential solution. The only other solution to me is that you break up. And that's why I'm kind of trying to give this other alternative because that's the only thing. This person to me seems

like he has a real issue with taking responsibility and accountability. And I doubt this is the only time that it shows up in your relationship. Yeah. And it's really hard because like, when you say like, you've been to see a counselor about it, you've been to speak to a therapist. I find it so interesting that often the person who isn't the issue will go and seek the therapy, right? The person who is asking, literally begging their partner to change is the one that goes to the therapist, but nothing's going to change in your relationship unless the person who has the issue also wants to go and speak to a counsellor also is showing up to the relationship with the same wants and desires for it to be better as what you do so I kind of

I feel really sorry for you that the feedback or that the advice that you've received is that you just have to accept it I don't want you to interpret that as though you're not being understanding enough what they're trying to say to you in that moment is that if this is a relationship that you want you can't change this on your own so the only way of changing it is to change your mindset around it. But I don't think changing your mindset is the solution here. I think he needs to fucking step up. And sometimes you have to realize what it is that you've lost the consequences of your actions in order to actually change. And that's what it feels like is the situation here. All right. Question number two. This is funny, I think. And I wonder if you

have strong feelings about this or how everyone feels. I randomly asked my husband when he had his last wank to which he replied, oh no, probably last week. Me being a stay at home mom who is home all the time then asked, was I home? And he so casually responded, oh no, nine times out of 10, I just have a wank at work. Now I'm not here to yuck someone's yum. However, this is not the first partner I've had do this. My husband is a tradie. A guy I dated was in real estate and then another one worked in medical my question is is this normal why not do it at home is it a risk kink thing or is this just something that guys do I don't masturbate at work logistically it's not my thing I don't want to sit in a cubicle and finger myself finger blast myself on a public

toilet that I'm grateful Laura for that as we have more than one toilet in our bathrooms here at work. To be fair, I'm glad I don't hear a buzz buzz. No, even if I wanted to Keisha, every single time I say I'm going to the toilet, you follow me in. I need to pee a lot. Every time. I've never weed in bed with you. Okay. You should be grateful for that. That's true. My initial reaction to this was legitimately what the actual fuck are you talking about? No, this isn't normal. And I decided to do a read of the room. I asked my boyfriend, he said he's never done it and he's done overnight shifts I had six girls over at my house last night for book club and I was like guys tomorrow on the podcast I think this is something we're going to talk about can I get a read of the

room what's your go and what do your partners think much more common than I anticipated how many out of the six uh I think it was nearly 50 50 and and the 50 percent who were like no were like I don't know it's never something that I've asked them I've never thought I needed to so were they saying yes to themselves i guess for their partners like for their partners yeah we actually didn't get to um to ourselves but i asked about partners first and they responded with things like yeah i think he's done it like in the showers at work you know if they either go for a run or something equal it was the gym apparently it's something that people sometimes do in the shower the gym that seems really unnecessary this person has written in saying that their husband is a

tradie. My brother's a tradie. He's a builder. He doesn't even let the people who work on his job sites use the bathrooms of the people whose homes they're creating. So he's masturbating in a port-a-loo? Wow. I need some ambience. Men really, they don't need a lot, do they? A lot of them. Like far out. Set some candles up. Yeah. It's a process for me. I don't know. Wow. I do think men and women we're speaking mostly like from like a heterosexual position but like I would say guys are more likely to do it than what women are but I'm not ruling out women masturbating at work I think that they're also there's many more reasons loaded into it like female pleasure has been something that's like been very shrouded it's been very stigmatized for so long I'm okay

with the stigma of wanking at work I'm not that progressive I'm actually okay with being like now that's a bit strange do you imagine if that was the next movement women who wank at work we want equal rights sorry i'm gonna get cancelled to me that just seems like there's logistical complications here how do you clean yourself up how you are you silent yeah what happens if you get it all silent wank at work sometimes sorry i'm not sure we should be normalizing it if i was going to put my energy into normalizing something that has stigma this isn't it but i do think maybe maybe it could be related to how you respond to whether your partner masturbates at home bear with me he said nine times out of ten he'll do it at work because she was like but i'm home

all the time so are you the person who's not okay with your partner masturbating while you're at home or is it more just a case that like you're physically at home and like often you'll walk into the bathroom when he's in the shower and vice versa yeah I always wonder when Matt does it because I'm like I'm home a lot when he's home although he does work from home so I'm guessing probably that complexes the question of do you work because like for him it's a one and one in all yeah do you wank in the same spot that you do your work though like do you wank at the table or is it always in the shower or the bedroom do you remember how earlier you said like you share other people's stories and sometimes you think that maybe you share things that are not yours

to share. I think I'm walking into that territory right now. Hey, honey, where do you wank? In what part of their house? Just so I know. Do you use the towels or the toilet paper? Like, what's it like? Should we get that detailed? I don't think so. I feel like it's fine to leave that as a question mark. Okay. Rhetorical. He doesn't need to answer. Maddie J will not be joining us. But what I mean by this is like, if you're the type of person who doesn't like your partner masturbating at home, especially when you're home, because the question could be like, well, why don't you want to have sex with me I don't have a problem with that because to me masturbation and having sex are very different things the intimacy is very different one's more of a physical need

one's more of an emotional thing so long as your sex life is not affected I don't think we should be telling people when they can and can't masturbate well some people actually really don't like it they don't like the idea of their partner getting off while they are at home well that's problematic it's personal preference to some degree I think I think it depends it's one of those gray areas for me but that would be my next question to you is he doing it nine times out of ten at work because he doesn't feel comfortable doing it at home maybe he'll be doing it in the portal loo less if you tell him that you're fine with it I find that so I'm still hung up on what you just said I find it so interesting that you think it is a gray area

to not be okay with your partner masturbating so long as it doesn't affect your relationship I think if they're doing it so frequently that it affects your sex life, I would have an issue with it. I think it depends on where they do it. But if – oh, totally. Okay, if they're doing it whilst you're asleep next to you, like, problem. That's what I mean by grey area. If they are just in their free time on a Tuesday at 11 because they work

from home wanting to go upstairs, have a shower and have a wank, like I don't think that we have the autonomy over another person's body to say whether they should or can't or could or can masturbate. Like, that's your personal preference. You do you. That's your body. Do whatever you want with it. I don't think we should have license over people's bodies like that.

I completely agree. For me, the grey area comes down to whether it is impacting you having sex. Like, if they're masturbating so much that you're not having sex, that could be a problem. It might not be, but it could be. Totally. If they're doing it in places, like, if they're in the shower and you're in the bathroom putting your makeup on, you might not like that. Do you know what I mean?

And the area that they do it and the privacy that they do it from is where it becomes a gray area for me. Okay, I understand. So yeah, yeah, that's what, and I completely agree that we can't be telling people if it's not problematic where they can and can't get off, unless maybe it's at work. We'll definitely put a poll up for this. I would love to know. We're going to do two.

Ask your partners. If you're in a relationship, I want to know if your partners have masturbated at work. That's one poll. But then I also want to know if you have done it. And I think that these things will be more skewed. So I have never, that I can remember, no. Whereas like maybe you have, zero judgment. All right, question number three.

My husband has gone to Darwin for a week for a friend's 40th. We live in New South Wales, which is fine. I encouraged him to go. I am home with our two children, age two and four months. Oh, you poor thing. I'm feeling a little bit let down how often he is checking in with me while he is away. I feel like I have been initiating all contact with him, sending messages with updates of the kids etc and he takes hours to respond if at all he doesn't

bother to send good morning or good night messages or calls and i can see that he has been active online he's staying at his brother's house and i know for a fact they have just been sitting around drinking for the last few days am i being unreasonable thinking he should be checking in on us more i have pulled back on how many times i initiate contact to see whether he would pick it up on his end but he hasn't should i bring it up with him or just let it go that sucks that actually really sucks and it sucks for two reasons not just for you but also because it seems as though he's not really checking in with how the kids own children are going uh look no you are not being too sensitive whatsoever do i think you should bring it up with him yeah i do but i think

you should wait until he gets home, until you bring it up with him. We've been in situations where we've been away for work and like truly it can be very, very, very busy. But I think that kind of the bare minimum is the bookend of the day. It's the good morning and the good night, especially if you have children. It's quite strange to me that he wouldn't actually be not only wondering how the kids are going, but wondering how you're going with them on your own. I think if you are wanting to get the best out of this scenario it will be best if you wait until he comes home and you just say I was really looking forward to you going away and having a really good time with your brother I think he's gone away with some friends and I even encouraged

you to go and as a part of that I had to take on the extra responsibility of looking after our children on my own and I expected that you would have a bit more kindness compassion and respect for me and want to know how I was going in that situation because it was extra load for me and I was disappointed by the fact that it seems as though you didn't care. I agree that you should have the conversation but I disagree with timing and I think you should have it now which is probably annoying because by the time we actually answer this question he'll probably be home realistically but and I just say this from my personal experience because I have had this experience with Matt and Matt has had this experience with me. When you are the person

who leaves and you are away from your kids and from your family, especially if you're normally so, so, so, so plugged in, there's two types of people. There's people who are super proactive because they're so concerned and they, you know, miss their children and they miss their family and miss everything so much that they are very, very constantly in contact. Then there are also people, and I think it's very easy to jump down the throat of being like, he doesn't care. I also think it's a massive testament to you that he's like you've got this like the kids are well taken care of you know I'm not worried about them but it does show a lack of interest in this moment and I would just I'm just playing devil's advocate I know there'll be other mums out there who are

like shut up Laura but it's probably not that often that he gets to plug into his friends and into the pre-kid life you know into like the lack of responsibility and I think the window of him going away on this holiday is very small. So I would say if this was me and I was in this situation, so to not make it a massive, massive deal, to not make it this big accusatory thing, to not harbor and hold onto the resentment that you're going to feel when he comes home. And then you bring it up when he's home, when he can't do anything about it, the situation's then passed. And all he can do is be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Or he'll get defensive and say, but I did X, Y, Z. I would just say the next time I'm talking to him like hey honey I'm feeling pretty lonely and I'm feeling

like you're not making much of an effort to contact me can you try a bit harder and then that gives him the opportunity to try and it's not accusatory it's not you starting a fight with him or making out that he's a bad dad or that he doesn't care about your family because if this is the only time that you've experienced this it's probably a very rare thing that he goes away and if he is normally an incredible husband an incredible dad he probably is just caught up in being able to spend time with his friends I felt like this when Matt went to Vegas recently because he was so busy he was working he was also in Vegas and I was at home being like uh well fuck I bet you're having a good time you know I was getting like very short answers from him and when I was getting answers it

was like a few hours had passed and I just said to him I was like can you put in a bit more effort with contacting me and Matt did and he was amazing and I think sometimes we just need to be made aware of what we're doing and how it's affecting the person on the other end and I don't think that everything needs to end in a fight and he'll just try a little bit harder or it gives him the opportunity to try a little bit harder yeah they're really good points and I think you probably have more skin in like you have more actual lived experience in this than what I do so I feel a bit like of a phony trying to give advice on it because it doesn't need to have kids in the equation it could just be your partner's away on holidays and they're not contacting you as much

Well, the reason that I naturally would wait until someone got home is in case of defensiveness because I think for most people, it's so easy to naturally want to defend yourself and want to defend your behavior. And when you have that happening via text or whether you have it happening via a quick call with his mates in the next room, unless your partner is the type of person who takes on feedback really well, I feel like it could make the situation worse. do you know so that's i guess you're going to have to see saw that based off of your own actual relationship but your partner's reaction is defensive it shows like a real lack of immaturity

i think like a lack of maturity sorry and it depends on the way in which you're you're saying this i i'm saying don't come at it from an accusatory way don't come at it saying like you're not texting me it's a like hey honey i'm feeling a little bit lonely at the moment it's been a lot with the kids could you text me a bit more or can you just try and respond to me when I know you're busy and I know you're having a great time but I would really love it if you could try and get back to me or you know message in the mornings or stuff like it makes me feel like you're thinking about me I do sometimes think it's the way in which we word things that can make something feel accusatory and then that puts someone instantly on the defense rather than

it being like okay we both want the same thing you know he loves you you know he wants to be with you unless fundamentally you're questioning those parts of your relationships I think I mean I want to like examine myself in this situation. I have naturally been the person who takes criticism on really, really badly. And, and I'm just thinking about how, even if you don't word it in an accusatory way, someone still has the ability to take it on as criticism, you know? And I, again, I think the way you have worded it, Laura, is going to be the most likely to have a positive impact but underlying you are disappointed and you are a bit pissed off so I think it's going to be hard to kind of convey that message without any accusation at all of

being like you haven't been living up to what I've expected of you and also I don't think you're expecting too much so he kind of is coming in to this situation with you being like hey you haven't really reached out to me very much it's true it's not like he can turn around and be like but yes I have he's immediately going to be like fuck I haven't you know but when we talk about this idea of being defensive I think avoiding a conversation because you're worried about the other person becoming defensive and gaslighty I guess my question to you Keish would be well then what is the benefit of bringing it up after the fact because one they can't do any reparation they can't do anything to change it because it's already happened and now it's like okay well

you're angry at me about something that all I can do is say sorry for I can't even I wasn't aware of it I didn't know and now you're annoyed and you haven't you didn't say anything yeah yours is much better conflict resolution well it just it just to me it might not be and I mean for me it would be a next time but who knows when the next time is going to be you know like and I very much see your point you're not giving him the opportunity to change the behavior in the moment you're only assuming that he will become defensive my worry is is like if that was me and that when I came home said hey the whole time that you were away you did this and it upset me I'd be like why didn't you tell me yeah I was away for a week and I had no intention of upsetting you I did not know that

I was hurting your feelings I would never want to hurt your feelings I would have tried harder and now I hate that you spent that whole week thinking I didn't care about you you know advice has changed my mind listen to Laura I am not a therapist your advice actually is a lot better in this situation and you are giving the ability to alter the behavior listen to Laura only take on what I've said if your partner is super defensive normally yeah but also maybe that's something that you'll need to address in other areas this feels way more like I'm exposing what goes on in my brain maybe you have anxiety too who knows let's get into the last question Okay. Question number four. What I've loved about the questions in the last five weeks that I've

been able to fill in on Ask and Cut with you is that we have gone from such deep, meaningful conversation to the silliest of silly things. And I think this is going into the ladder. We do say that there's no dumb questions. And I know I've said it before, but like recently, there have been some and that's okay. We love it. Here's what I consider to be one. Wearing a bra to work. I have it a couple of times. I have small titties and wear normal neckline tops thought i could absolutely get away with it but i did just notice one of my male co-workers looking down and it made me feel a bit weird i have a desk job and am worried it might not be very professional would love your thoughts this is a bit off tangent but as soon as i read

this it reminded me of something that happened to me when i worked in marketing a fucking million years ago so i used to work for this company it was a dental sleep apnea company right we used to make very nice we used to make dental devices for people who had sleep apnea and i worked in their marketing team and my marketing boss and i back in the day in my 20s before kids sucked the life out of my titties i had reasonably good boobs reasonably good not great not terrible reasonably good anyway i wore normal tops with normal bras to work like nothing that you would think is revealing like i was at office job but i have like it's called pectus excavatum i think or something like that. Medical people are going to think that I said that wrong or I butchered it,

but it's basically like I have a hole in my chest. Like my chest goes in. I have this like really deep, hello everybody on YouTube. I have a really deep like concave, it's called pigeon chest for people who want like the layman's terms in my chest anyway, which makes me look like I have bigger boobs than I do. And I would be sitting at my desk. Oh, shadow cleavage. Yeah. It's fake. It's fake. Yeah, I see. Fake cleavage. See? It really goes in. I'm sure they really appreciate You're welcome. So I would sit at my desk and my marketing manager would always come and talk to me from above me.

So he was always over me so he would get a bird's eye view of cleavage if he wanted it. A pigeon test. Do you know what he said to me this one day? He said, this is, I'm not mincing his words, he said, why do you like getting your tits out at work? Yeah. And I was mortified.

Absolutely fucking mortified. because in my mind I was just wearing a button-up shirt with a bra on like I wasn't getting my tits out at work anyway that's really gross needless to say like it was a different culture back then I think everybody has stories from you know 15 years ago almost 20 it was 18 years ago as to how working in offices was way more fucking problematic and we didn't have HR at the time and anyway it was a shit place to work but when I read this question I thought of that and I thought of like the what is appropriate and what isn't appropriate and I think it's a tricky one because where my brain goes to instantly is fuck it if men can go to shirt with their nipples obvious

through their button-up shirts like you should be able to too you know like you shouldn't be told what you can and can't wear to work but then the more conservative side of me says for your own sense of like not being sexualized at work and being able to one be seen as professional and not to be in a situation where some absolute fucking flog of a human is going to look down your shirt or say anything that's overtly sexual to you, I would wear a bra. And I know that that is very much of like, why did you wear a short skirt mentality? Which is not how I mean this to sound. And I very, very, very much want to preface this, that that is absolutely not how I feel about this. But I also think that from a work environment, there are things that are deemed

acceptable and not acceptable professional and not professional whether that's right or wrong and I would just say you don't have to not wear something that's revealing you can have your cleavage out but I would say wear a bra if it means it's less easy for someone to be able to look down your top does that make sense without it being like and I don't want this to be something that people interpret as though I'm shaming you for what you do or don't wear you can wear whatever the fuck you want to there's no dress code that says women have to wear bras to work I just more mean that if it's obvious for someone to see down your top in the same way that if a guy was bending over and I could see all of his nipples out at work, I'd be like, why are you wearing a singlet

to work? It's not an appropriate attire. I feel the same about what a woman wears. And I say this from like, you know, guys normally wear button up shirts. They are not revealing. What we can wear to work can be more revealing because female clothing, professional clothing is far more varied and there's far more of a spectrum of what we wear rather than it just being a button up shirt i think this comment like yes the progressive part of me wants to be like burn the fucking bras wear whatever you want nipples freedom we've come so far yeah with these conversations but the reality is that's not life and the reality is is that in society right now we deem some things appropriate we deem some things inappropriate and if you're in a workplace environment

those to me i'm just like i don't know if this is the hill i would be willing to die on because we have made such progression with gender equality particularly in the workplace I'm like is not wearing a bra where you want to like focus the energy of the progression of wherever you work I don't know my other question is where do you work I mean it's so dependent and when I'm saying like when I was talking about offices office job are you working in a desk job for lawyers like there's different levels I think of professionalism of dress attire for work like so i do think that that has to be taken into consideration interestingly and not to talk about myself but i do have lived experience from the opposite end of the spectrum i'm naturally a

10f people with big boobs have had to control the uncontrollable control like there have been times where i have been wearing perfectly normal t-shirts normal t-shirt normal fittedness whatever you'd call it like and when you have a big bust you are overtly sexualized regardless of what you're wearing so to me I kind of just go like oh it would be a really nice debate for me to be like is it too unprofessional for me to not wear a bra because my whole life it has been yeah and you also can't wear 90% of the tops even if you wear a button-up top is it so tight between your boobs that the where the buttons are that you end up with a gape you end up with this big gaping hole exactly looking at where your bra is I felt really like conflicted about wearing

something that fits me everywhere else and so then your whole wardrobe has to change to these big moo moo like things because you're trying to be appropriate and it's just a little bit like I hate the fact that this is still something that we have to control our behavior because of the way that other people respond to it that sucks in society but it is the reality of how life is and to me I kind of just go if you think it's unprofessional just wear a bra like everyone with the big busters had to they've had to make more sacrifice i agree with you i totally agree and i think that this is i feel very differently about it because we're talking about it from a work perspective yeah and for any other place that might be considered like a professional space

if you're questioning it as keisha said just wear a bra i'd rather focus my energy on the gender pay gap so anyway that's it from us today uh brit will be back next week so brit is coming back on the weekend and then we're going to be doing like a big deep dive in all of the ins and out questions of I'm a Celebrity, which I'm still fascinated by how the whole thing works. I think she's had a bit of R&R, a bit of time to, like, recoup and, yeah. And to eat some normal food. If you have got a question, you can either post it in the Facebook group.

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