Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Donor Eggs, Keeping My Ex's Surname & My Best Friend's Husband Tried to Cheat With Me

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. I'm Laura. And it's Therapy Thursday. Ask Uncuddle the juicy goodness that you sickos write into us every week. We live for it.

Starting point is 00:00:33 Did you guys, and I say you, Laura, and British Keisha, did you go and ask your respective partners about your sex list? Yeah, you know this because I sent you mine straight away. But, Keisha, I don't know what yours was. So if you guys didn't listen to Tuesday's episode, we talked about sex lists. And if you're the type of person who keeps a sex list but you can't remember the name of every single person you've had sex with,

Starting point is 00:00:55 go back listen to that episode if you haven't listened to it that probably sounds like a weird statement but what we found is that a lot of people write lists and they use nicknames you know to try and describe the person that it was that's been inside them or around them or that they've been inside I mean we don't discriminate so we said we were going to go home and ask our respective partners what we would have been in the list so what were you Laura so I asked Matt and I and I put the question to him I was like look if we had sex you couldn't remember my name but, you know, you were writing it down in a list as a nickname, what would you call me?

Starting point is 00:01:28 And he said, and it was very cute, he said, my future wife. Which was great. Wait, wait, okay. Bomb it, bomb it. Because Bryn was like, that's so sweet. I was like, that is a man who's trying to get laid. I was like, smart. Well done, Matt.

Starting point is 00:01:41 I did fuck him afterwards. I didn't even think about it. I had sex with him. He's playing chess now. That's not checkers. Oh, yeah. 100% Keish. Matt is not a silly man.

Starting point is 00:01:49 He knows what's up. He's a good guy. He saw his window of opportunity. he's not a good guy he just wants to get a good guy but he's smart good guy that wants to get laid it kind of okay it did transpire though so i asked him and it was so cute and i was like oh my husband loves me like that's nice no drama in my life and then i asked him again because i wanted to capture it in video format so that we you know we could have some audio of this this is what he had to say the second time like we had sex and you were adding me to a sex list as a nickname

Starting point is 00:02:20 What's my nickname? Wizard Sleeve. I don't get it. Wizard Sleeve? What's a Wizard Sleeve? It's a really derogatory word for someone with a flappy vulva. Is it? Wizard Sleeve.

Starting point is 00:02:34 Think about it. You know how it's like that triangle shape? Tight and compact. I've never heard that term. Wait until you give birth to two children and have two episiotomies that go to your arsehole. But you didn't have kids when you slept with him. I didn't need that much information.

Starting point is 00:02:46 I love that he started off well and went with wife to get laid, then went for the humour, but then I'm sure he went back with, no, I'm just joking, wife, because he wanted to get fucked again. Well, he fooled me, didn't he, because I had sex with him. Because you fell for it. What did Ben call you? Okay, well, I recorded Ben's. Now, bear with this audio because Ben was in the shower.

Starting point is 00:03:04 It would probably be the girl that flashed me in from the window or Titty and Schnitty. That's probably a good one. Titty and Schnitty girl. Girl that flashed him in the window or schnitty-titty. Which are both very accurate. I will take either of them. What's schnitty-titty from?

Starting point is 00:03:23 I bought him a schnitty and then he got the titty. Because on our – Quite the romancer. When we hooked up on the first night, I didn't know how to do a one-night stand. So I was like, fuck, I'll buy him dinner, I guess, before we have sex. So I bought him a chicken schnitzel. Do they have chicken schnitzels over in either Switzerland or Scotland? It's German.

Starting point is 00:03:41 A schnitzel is German. So I was like, I'm going to try and buy him what is for his home, food. Not many people would eat the entire chicken schnitzel prior to the one-night stand, though, would they? He actually didn't. I did. I was like – And then you're like, fuck me.

Starting point is 00:03:54 Yeah, I did. I ate the whole thing and got drunk because I was so nervous to have a one-night stand and he had like half the schnitty because he was like he wants to perform. I think you should go in as pretty titty schnitty then. I like that. Yeah, pretty titty schnitty. But if I was to be forever in someone's list as schnitty titty,

Starting point is 00:04:10 I'm okay with that. There's worse things that people have been called, like parsnip wizard sleep. Keisha what's yours so I assumed the other day that mine would be absent spritz or absent girl something to do with that because it's something that we joked about but now since we've been having this conversation I think I asked the wrong question because my boyfriend answered with the girl who I spent a ridiculous amount of money on our first date and didn't put out that's I think I asked the question wrong I asked like what would you have called me if we only spent

Starting point is 00:04:42 our first night together and he was like, that's what I would have called you. I think that's so funny. Like the angry feminist in me is like, how dare he? How dare he expect that you put out on a first date? He was obviously joking, but that's how he remembers you. He did spend a fuck ton on our first date. Because you were drinking absinthe spritzers.

Starting point is 00:04:57 Yeah. I only laugh at him because I know Toblerone and that's why it's funny because there's no part of him that would actually think that. But I think it was very quick off the cuff when you're like, hey, what do you think of me? And he's just like, well, I spent mocks on you. And I didn't get nothing. Anyway, we got a couple of messages into Life Uncut's Instagram about, you know, what their

Starting point is 00:05:17 partners would have said. I think we should start a thread in the Facebook group. You can go and ask your partners and we can all kind of like put their answers in there. I think it'll be really funny. All right. Something I wanted to talk about before we get into answering your questions is, and I don't know if anyone really cares, but it feels weird not to mention it. And that is, we've discussed it back and forth over the last couple of years.

Starting point is 00:05:35 When's it going to happen? When's it not going to happen? Well, there's been a big breakup. But finally it's happened. That is that The Bachelor has finally been canned. And now this feels like a long time coming, which sounds like a horrible thing to say, but the ratings, as we all know, have been dwindling over the last couple of years. You know, we were doing batch on cuts for a while, but it feels like the end of an era.

Starting point is 00:05:53 And it's strange that a TV show that once upon a time was like the pinnacle of reality TV in Australia. Like we would all rush home to watch it with our girlfriends. We would have bachelor nights. We would do bachelor sweeps at the office. Like it was such a big part of like australian pop culture it was also a big part of your life you met your husband i met my i met my business partner like we excuse me friend i met my friend i say that because i referred to you once as my business partner lol that's what it was just recently what happened on the jungle i'm a celebrity get me out of here i obviously said you know laura she's my business partner and they aired it oh the dms i got um i'm pretty sure she's your friend too and i was like i was

Starting point is 00:06:36 like well I was just trying to explain to someone on the show that I do business with her I was like sorry what I do love though is like how much you guys defend us like anytime that I say anything that's like semi-offensive towards Brit and anytime Brit says anything that's semi-offensive towards me you come first with fire flames like how dare you but also the thing is and you would know this when you have someone who you're such good friends with you can kind of be mean to each other and get away with it the other person's not offended like I appreciate that you're offended for us it's so funny also if we've allowed it on the pod we know they've said it and it's okay no but the thing is the reason why I say business partner is because like a lot of people come off

Starting point is 00:07:13 the back of The Bachelor and have friends from the show like we have lots of friends from the show I have friends from production like one of our groomsmen was Matt's minder on the show two of my really good friends were my minders from the show Jazzy and Farrah like one of my besties was the stylist from the show Kim you know one of our really close friends is Osh's makeup artist Carla like we have some really beautiful friendships that came off the back of the show but two relationships in my life that are particularly unique are the fact that one I have a business partner that came from the show which is you Britt in case you're curious and also Matt I didn't want people to get confused and think that I was still in a contracted obligation with

Starting point is 00:07:50 you. No that ended a couple of months ago right? Yeah we're out of that now but then fuck like we had kids. It's just too hard now to leave. But I mean like I do definitely think it's the right decision because I think over the past couple of years the way in which the show has gone and the dropping ratings it's almost like sad to see the love for the show deteriorate across the Australian public like it really was such a great show and it really for a lot of the people who did it it was a really fun and like incredible experience and so I kind of hate that the people in the most recent seasons had come off the back and like the shooting time was only four weeks or four to five weeks when when we shot the show it was three months so it was like a really significant

Starting point is 00:08:29 experience whereas I think because of the cost of production and just everything being cut cut cut cut cut the experience for the actual participants was so like just so minimized yeah and it was when you say it like that three and a half months is it's a quarter of a year that you spent thanks for that month no but it's it's different when you think about it like that when you think imagine if someone said to you next year a quarter of your year we're going to take your phone you're not going to speak to anyone you know we're going to put you in a house and you're going to fight to the death for love like that's a long time for like I couldn't do that at this age now in this point of my life I mean elongate that even more so so for Matt and I it was a quarter of the year

Starting point is 00:09:09 if we're going to use that as the metric where we were in the house and we finished filming so we entered the house in February we left the house in May and we had to keep our relationship a secret it until the end of September. So it was that entire year for me that the year that I turned 30, my entire life was centered around The Bachelor. So this does feel significant. Just let me, hang on, I'm just doing some quick math. We need to much math. Half a year plus one month. It was half a year and a month.

Starting point is 00:09:35 Do you guys think that for any of these reality TV shows, obviously we've had like an evolution, we've got Love Island, we've got Mass, we've got like a bunch of other ones, you know, some new ones that have popped up in the last couple of years. Do you think there's a timeframe on them kind of the expiry date of the show or do you think you know is it a little bit roll the dice and we'll see how many seasons we get out of it I genuinely first of all I don't think the batch has been canned I think it will come back I think it's been rested which we've said for the last two years I mean personally I've always said I think it's time to rest it for a couple years minimum one year but I don't think we've had enough of it I just think we've had enough of

Starting point is 00:10:09 it for now and I think it needs to come back with a revamp something a little bit different but I think it's because I genuinely think it's because people stopped believing in it I think the genuine authenticity of like believing that these people the bachelor included and the contestants were there for love I think we just lost a bit of that and I think that comes along with the societal growth of social media like back in the day I think I only just got an Instagram when I went in like I don't even think I had Instagram properly so there's no part of you that was like, I'm going to go on there and come out and make a career. None. But now it's just this. And of course people are going to do that. Why wouldn't you? Like you've gone into an

Starting point is 00:10:46 experience, you're going to capitalize on it, but it just takes away from you believing and that fairy tale. Are you here for the right reasons? Yeah. Look, I would challenge you a little bit on that Brit only because I do think that, I think everybody knew that you could come off the back of that show and that you could turn it into something. I mean, even when you did the show, which was like obviously the year after me, Anna Heinrich already had like a really established business on Instagram. Like most of the people who had done well on the show had created something for themselves. So I definitely think that there was an allure of that. Very different though to now. Yeah. And I guess like, I mean, for me, the biggest thing is it is the only show in Australia

Starting point is 00:11:25 that has provided as many successful couples. So 50% strike rate. I mean, we've had so many marriages. We've had so many babies, like bachelor babies. And in the last couple of years, and I'm probably going to get pulled over the coals for saying this I just think that the casting genuinely the casting went down the gurgler and I'm not saying I was well cast please don't quote me on that this is not a me being like oh then we did our season and then they cast it so well and now it's terrible what I mean by that is the bachelor himself is supposed to be aspirational it's supposed to be a person that you can't find on tinder it's supposed to be someone who if you came across you would be like how the fuck is that man single and in the last couple of years

Starting point is 00:12:04 they deviated from that. They went and like, you know, even with Matt a little bit, they chose the guy who had been heartbroken from the year before. And then from there they chose another guy that was heartbroken because they had Richie, then they had Matt. But then in the last one with the three guys, like the three bachelors and then the three bachelors, it was like maybe combined they would make one super bachelor, but individually, what is your thing that would make you so much more special that I can't find you on a dating app? Do you know what's really funny I actually don't think we ever spoke about this on the podcast one of the bachelors from last year I had spoken to on hinge I had almost gone on a date with and you'd spoken to the other

Starting point is 00:12:40 one so two out of three there's three of us in the room right now that were I mean you weren't on hinge ever Laura but I get what you mean they were people that existed and I'm I know in the real world yeah and I'm talking like attainable yeah attainable people and I I know it sounds fucked it sounds offensive and I think they kind of went for the shock factor you know they went for the man who was a virgin who was deeply religious and that was like a shock factor thing which is it's like there is nothing wrong with being a virgin and I actually disagree with you guys there I think there's nothing wrong with the bachelor being attainable I think that's brilliant he's a normal person but I think he has to have a lot of amazing qualities and I think when you say

Starting point is 00:13:17 you know I forget his name sorry but the virgin I don't like to call him as that but the virgin bachelor for me and I don't think unless you're on a religious dating side I mean yeah I don't think that that's what people want. I 100% at this point of my life do not want to be coaching a virgin. I want my man to come in and know exactly what's up. I think it kind of lost its way a bit. The last thing I know it's a criticism that we spoke about when they did go to the three bachelor format is just simply that there's not enough screen time to be invested in any one of the relationships because you get to the very end of the season and we did batch uncut for the very first series of Three Bachelors. And Matt and I watched every single episode. And at the end of

Starting point is 00:13:58 the series, I honestly couldn't tell you some of the girls' names still because I was not invested in them, not because they aren't brilliant girls in real life and not because they weren't funny or entertaining or any of those things. Screen time. There simply wasn't enough of the storytelling around their relationship. And for me to be like, oh, I understand why they really want to be together. It's just simply not enough hours in TV viewing time for that to be achieved. so I think it lost its way I will miss ladies I will miss his dulcet tones and we had to say you did not the bachelor you did not receive a rose it's time to say goodbye fuck he did it so good we love you I feel like we should get that sound grab and just play it

Starting point is 00:14:37 on repeat like so we can we'll find one just so everybody this is an ode to the bachelor here he is you didn't receive a rose I'm sorry but you did not receive a rose ladies I'm sorry but you did not receive a rose could you please take a moment now to say goodbye all right what are your vibes for this week brit vibe or unsubscribe my vibe it is on netflix it's one of the top shows at the moment's trending it is the roast of tom brady now if you don't know what that is or who tom brady is tom brady was an american nfl player he was like the best quarterback of all time he's known as the goat the greatest of all time he's known as the goat he's super hot he was married to the supermodel Giselle Bündchen. I never know how to say her name. Hottie. Hottie

Starting point is 00:15:19 Giselle. And they, in the last couple of years, have split a lot across the media. And I say that because that is a huge theme of the show. So what this show is, it is a comedy fest and it is hosted by Kevin Hart, who's brilliant. We all know Kevin Hart. And it was live, right? So you can watch it now on Netflix, but it was done live, which is amazing because it is chaos. Like you do not know what's going to happen. And what they've done is the whole show is to roast Tom Brady. Three hours of pure taking the pierce like you have never seen before. Have you ever seen the Justin Bieber roast? It's so good. You could just do a roast marathon. They're fucking great. Well, that's what they do. They just pick someone anyway. So they had all his ex-teammates there. The crowd

Starting point is 00:16:01 was full of famous people. And then they just had a bunch of comedians there. They had people like Will Ferrell turned up as Anchorman. He was in character the whole time. So he came out on stage and roasted as Anchorman. And it was the best thing I've seen. They had Ben Affleck. They had Dana White, who is like the founder, the head of UFC. Nikki Glaser, who is an incredible comedian. And she nailed it. So they all get like five, six, seven minutes to come and do their thing. Some people took 20 minutes. His old coaches came out. We always talk about comedy at the moment and how difficult it is to be a comedian because you don't want to offend people. When you are given a platform of three hours and you know the point is to offend as much as you can

Starting point is 00:16:42 and Tom Brady's okay with that. He knows what it is. He knows it's going to be a piss take and it might not be personal, but man, they went so hard. I was laughing. Some people went too far. There were a few Kim Kardashian jokes I didn't like because Kim Kardashian was there. She also went up and roasted Tom Brady. Like I've seen the Justin Bieber one. This one was tenfold on, I can't believe they're actually saying this. It's so tongue in cheek that there was points that I was like, wow, this is the pushback on like woke culture. But I think I've realized the reason for it. We often, when we talk about like, you can't make jokes about that. It's often because we have this debate of punching up or punching down. Tom Brady is so up. You're not

Starting point is 00:17:24 really able to punch down on tom brady yeah like that's why i think they can get away with it and he was a really good sport about almost everything i don't think that's what it is i don't think it's about punching up because so much of what they said if that was in a normal comedy fest like a normal comedy show and a comedian was saying some of the stuff they said tom brady would not be okay with it but because the premise of the whole show is like get ready because we're going to come for you in every capacity he's like bring it that's why you can do it yeah but the one thing i didn't You know, they were making jokes about his wife cheating on him with the Brazilian jiu-jitsu coach.

Starting point is 00:17:55 I mean, it's consenting. You're consenting to be the butt of a joke. And the difference is like, I mean, like we all know what happened with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada. Jada and The Rock, who was the guy who was doing the jokes. Chris Rock. Chris Rock.

Starting point is 00:18:07 Not The Rock, fucking dead. Here's me trying to explain something from history. But that was like a situation where the joke wasn't consented to. That person didn't approve and debatable. They're also at the top of the game. It's pretty hard to punch down on two people who are like some of the most successful people in Hollywood, but they didn't consent to being made the arse of a joke. And that's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:18:27 So like, so the one thing I didn't like, and I would love for you guys to watch it and then tell me your thoughts, is another comedian that is at the end that is known to push the boundaries made a joke. He quoted Anchorman and he said, oh, and you know, we had Anchorman here and you know what he thinks about a whale's vagina. Speaking of whale's vagina, Kim Kardashian's here. he told Kim Kardashian to keep her legs close because she's got more beef than, you know, these two rappers that are fighting.

Starting point is 00:18:53 And it was unnecessarily fucking rude and derogatory. Like I laughed at a lot even when it was too far. I was like, whoa, I just thought that one was too far. And I was like, not necessarily. Do you know what, though? I think this is about Kim Kardashian. I actually think, and I'm not saying that she's like voluntarily okay with this type of jokes, but I think that sometimes her being made to be,

Starting point is 00:19:12 like to be put down in that way, to be humanized, actually works in her favor because it makes people like us go oh my god she's just a human and like we need to be nicer to kim kardashian it humanizes the product that kim kardashian has become i very much agree and she also so laws i know you haven't seen her bit of stand-up yet that she did on the night but she was also laying into herself like she said things like you know there were rumors about whether tom and i were dating and you guys all know that if that was the truth i just would have released a tape about it you know like she made jokes and she did a really good I know that she obviously probably wouldn't have written them she would have you

Starting point is 00:19:47 know had writers but I don't know I don't think that Kim Kardashian is the one that I'm like oh I feel so sorry for you because people are still making jokes like that because she also makes jokes like that you know she also is kind of taking the piss I felt I mean I watched the whole thing three hours three and a half hours and a hundred percent she was the only person the only person that the second she got up on the stage she was booed off the stage she didn't even open her mouth up like she was just hated on and the only reason it stopped was because Kevin Hart stood up because it's live and asked the audience to stop. He was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like let her speak.

Starting point is 00:20:19 The reason is, you know how we all say like I'm going to punch down on myself before anyone else does. That's why she makes the sex tape jokes because she knows people are going to bring her down. And the sex tape jokes are funny. When they called her a whale, a vagina, that she's a slut, close her legs. But they also said things like that to Nikki Grazer.

Starting point is 00:20:36 But that's her shtick. Nikki Grazer's shtick is that she's easy. Yeah. Anyway. We can talk about this until the cows come home because it goes It takes three hours and there's heaps of problematic jokes. Yeah, we could have done a whole episode on it. Maybe we will, but it's brilliant.

Starting point is 00:20:49 It's the Tom Brady roast, Kevin Hart, watch it, Netflix. Okay, well, my recommendation for this week is a podcast episode. It is a podcast episode of The Daily and it is their Sunday special called Modern Love from last week. So I came across this and I mean, I listen to The Daily on and off, but this one kind of jumped out at me. It's not a very long episode, but it has Esther Perel in it. And basically there is a article that was written by Karen Jones a couple of years back

Starting point is 00:21:16 and it's called What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity. Now, when that article was released, it obviously was met with a lot of pushback. And now this was an article that was published in the New York Times. They had to turn comments off and it was like the only article that had been written that had been promoted on social media where the comments had been disabled because people rightfully so were so angry. And I think especially when it comes to infidelity and when we talk about infidelity, but from the side of the adulteress, like from the woman who's the other woman, we don't have

Starting point is 00:21:48 a lot of space for empathy there whatsoever. But Esther Perel is on this episode and she unpacks that article and she unpacks the nuance of infidelity. I found it fascinating and I found it really, really interesting to try and step outside my my bias and my hate for people who are like the other woman and try and understand the why because as much as we might all morally go okay it's so wrong and there's no excuse for it the reality is that it still happens all the time so we might as well at least listen to the why it's a very quick listen and it's from the daily it's the sunday special modern love came out this

Starting point is 00:22:23 week beautiful i'm so interested to listen to that i'm gonna listen to it tomorrow so my vibe for the week is a little keisha has show and tell yes i've got a show and tell so if you're watching on YouTube, you'll be able to see this. Also guys, subscribe to our YouTube. It's great. And we're getting the episodes up really soon after posting. It's like a pillbox. So as we've discussed a lot on the podcast, I'm a medicated girly, but something that I was really, really bad with was remembering to take my meds. Which is not surprising if you have ADD and part of the thing is that the organization is quite challenging. Remembering to take the medication is also challenging. So one of the lifers was wonderful actually. And they taught me how to set a

Starting point is 00:23:00 notification on my phone and how it's different when you've got an Apple phone. You can set it up in your health app. So when I had a normal notification, as soon as I would open my phone, the notification would go away and I'd be like, oh, that's right. I need to take my meds. But I would then forget because I got distracted by something else. So the notification on your phone, it doesn't go away until you clear it, which is good about Apple. But this is something else that I've done to help my organization. It's called Dosey, the brand. Gonna admit, there are significantly cheaper options available so you can get them from the pharmacy for like seven or eight bucks pill boxes that i've got monday tuesday wednesday or whatever but they're the ones that grannies use

Starting point is 00:23:37 and they have them in their cupboard because they've got alzheimer's they can't remember no this one looks lush this is nice so as you can see if you're on youtube hang on i'm gonna open it up so you put all like on a sunday night i get all my pills a lot of pills they've got vitamins as well so i've been putting them in on a sunday night and i have not forgotten since i've owned this so it's very aesthetically pleasing they come with little travel cases i think i got like the set so these are the ones that i have in my bag for in case i do forget these are my ones for home and i've got another little pill box in my bag as well they're nice that's a really really really lovely so yeah australian brand dosy and like i said not the cheapest option but cost per

Starting point is 00:24:17 use very low because i haven't forgotten since i've owned it take your pills in style that's what we love we'll put all of the details for vibes in the show notes as we always do all right let's get into the questions. Question number one. My husband and I travel frequently with another family who have children the same age. It started out as my husband and his friends, but over time, the wife has become one of, if not my best friend. They live interstate, but we talk most days. We are two weeks away from an international holiday with them when he asked me in a private message if I was with my husband at the time and to message back when I was alone.

Starting point is 00:24:56 The message I received from him was if I would like to hook up whilst overseas and at the same time said, obviously don't say a word to them, meaning his wife and also my husband. I actually asked if he was joking, to which he replied, no, but now it's a bit awkward. I brushed it off and politely declined as we were about to spend a significant amount of time with them as i stand it's nearly 24 hours after the message i am planning on telling my husband that we will need to rearrange our holiday and accommodation

Starting point is 00:25:30 plans she is going to know something has happened so when she asked me why are we cancelling on them what do i say she is my best friend if roles were reversed i 100 would want to know we have always suspected he's probably not 100 faithful to her but this is just too far to make matters worse she is pregnant. I feel like I a hundred percent knew what I was going to say until you dropped the pregnancy bomb. I know the information is going to ruin her life. Fuck. Before you said she was pregnant, I was saying a hundred percent tell them. Now she's pregnant. I still think that she needs to know, but it does change things. Like, oh fuck. Nah, he's a scumbag. I think she needs to know as a best friend he hit you up when his wife is pregnant and you are friends of the

Starting point is 00:26:20 couple that is like the scum on the bottom of my shower after I came back from the jungle okay not that I am a cheating connoisseur never cheated not my thing but why would you want to cheat on a family holiday like how are you how does that even happen how are you going to say like oh my god you guys just chill here while me and your wife go for a romantic beach walk we're just gonna go for a little walk you guys stay how do you even explain that hey Steve you stay with my pregnant wife and I'll take your wife yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna poke her behind the bush like how does like why would you cheat in that scenario to me it screams volumes about the person that he is that this is not a one-off thing like he must do this type of stuff on the

Starting point is 00:27:04 regular and get away with it. And he's probably banking on the fact that you're not going to make a scene because he probably has gotten away with it thus far. You know, like most people, and often it's my advice on this podcast because I don't like bringing other people's dramas into my life. Like I said earlier, my life is drama free, baby. And I want to keep it that way. Not that I've been in a situation even remotely like this, but I don't like to in any way bring other people's dramas into my life and that's kind of a boundary I've set for myself but the problem is is this drama walked into your life and it has affected not only your relationship with your husband if you keep this a secret from him it also has ruined the relationship you have with your friend so I

Starting point is 00:27:44 would say like take baby steps with this the very first step is have an honest conversation with your husband around what he has sent why you want to change locations because I think he needs to know the full facts but you know your husband's turning up to that guy's door but it's you know maybe leave it to him to do that because the thing is is at the very least you don't want to triangulate the person you're in a relationship with because you've not done anything wrong but keeping that a secret triangulates your husband and it means that then you are doing something wrong so he's the first person sit down have an honest conversation with him and work out together what you think is the best strategy for approaching this because he might be able to give you because

Starting point is 00:28:23 he's going to have more understanding and he's going to know these people way better than what we do from this one paragraph. But then I think my next thing would be to say that you're obviously canceling the holiday. You're obviously going to go and do something else separate to them. And I would, even though I say I hate drama, I would message my friend who's my best friend and say, your husband messaged me inappropriately. I wouldn't give the full context of it. I would say he's messaged me inappropriately and I don't think it's suitable for us to go on holiday. and I would have to leave it at that because I don't think I would want to go down into like the nitty-gritty of giving the messages I think that that type of thing can become it's too hurtful

Starting point is 00:29:01 and I would give him the opportunity to come clean with that information I almost agree with everything you said and I agree with I never want to bring the drama into my life but I always put myself in the position right so if it was you if Matt had messaged me or you know vice versa if Ben had messaged you but if Matt had messaged me there is no part of me when I put it like that to myself that wouldn't tell you none I would be like we couldn't have a normal relationship we could not you and I could not go about our days business partners not let alone friends no we couldn't but I think what you would do is and I would want you to tell me if my partner pregnant or not and I truly believe that because you're pregnant but you need to keep forgetting about

Starting point is 00:29:43 the El Pregonin. You need to have all the information to make a decision when you are in that situation, when you're pregnant and going to have a relationship, bring child into the world. But I would be, yes, I would tell my partner first because he deserves to know, but then I would beg him because I know my partner would want to go and say something to this guy. I would say, please let me speak to her first and then you can do what you want to do because she deserves to hear it from you, not from a fight that's happening, you know, between husbands. I also wouldn't text her to have the conversation i'd be doing it in person yeah i would and i know you say laura don't go into detail you have to go into detail because a she's not going to accept that

Starting point is 00:30:18 she's not going to say okay what did he text you when you said she's not going to accept you saying i'm not telling you you need to tell her everything so yeah you're right she won't she won't accept that so she can go i'd be like you better fucking tell me brit 100 i would chain you to the ground i would sit on your face and be like i'm gonna fart in your face do tell me that's the extreme and I'd go. Okay. I mean, I don't know if that would get it out of me, but it really tortured it out of me there, Britt. If I'd had garlic fettuccine carbonara the night before, you'd tell me. I think my feelings about this though, is that you have been put into a horrible situation that you didn't ask for, that you have no control over. And I think this is really, going back to

Starting point is 00:30:57 what I said earlier, this is really indicative of the type of person he is and the behavior that he's probably gotten away with many times prior. The thing that's so frustrating though, and I'm sure this is what's going to happen, but I am projecting a bit. He will downplay this. He will say he was drunk or there will be some excuse that he manages to come up with to minimize his behavior, which he will try and use in order to fix the situation. So that way, you know, his whole life doesn't implode as well because he clearly doesn't want to run away with you. he's propositioning you because he knows that if you two were to have you know some sort of like liaison you're not going to leave your husband and he doesn't need to leave his wife right he

Starting point is 00:31:36 just wants the thrill of having sex outside of his marriage maybe he's not getting any because his wife's pregnant not saying that's okay go and listen to the podcast episode i just recommended but that will be part of the excuse that he will use he will use that as the reasoning that his desire is not being met and he was looking for someone to satisfy that Again, not a cheating connoisseur, but if you are going to cheat on your pregnant wife, why do you do it with her best friend? Like, there's a really high chance that the best friend is going to call bullshit and implode your relationship.

Starting point is 00:32:09 And I'm not saying this because I'm trying to tell you guys how to cheat, but that's just shocking to me. I'm like, these guys are morons. I mean, they might have a flirty friendship. A lot of people do have flirty friendships and it doesn't mean, I know, I know it's irrelevant, but maybe they have a flirty friendship and he's interpreted that flirty friendship as being able to be pushed in a direction that it absolutely can't you know I mean I don't know and I'm trying to I don't know why I'm playing devil's advocate here but

Starting point is 00:32:32 it's just such a bold and crazy thing to be messaged but I honestly think about it from our perspective like if Ben messaged me something inappropriate you'd probably go there just once it's worth it you did say the sex is good I'd probably let you once just so we could talk about it we need content things have been dry on the podcast recently I like I would tell me I would tell you but it would ruin the friendship even though I hadn't done anything wrong it would still I think ruin the friendship I think that there would be a level of like resentment and I wouldn't hold that against you at all I'm pretty good at like I think I would be like well that's nothing to do with you you're hot can he's only human can you blame him but like that sleeve over

Starting point is 00:33:12 yeah he didn't even he did that without even knowing it was a magic spell on him i know i think that maybe it'll be hard to maintain a friendship in that situation but the blame would never be on you yeah yeah fuck so hard can you give us an aftermath why don't you guys ever give us enough aftermath laura and i lose sleep over this we need to know what happens i haven't slept in years because of your ass going not the kids all right i'm gonna read number two. Now I have two older gay brothers. Since we were about 16, we have discussed what kids would look like. They're a little bit older than me in their mid twenties. I've always said I would like to donate eggs to them in the future so that they can have biological kids with their

Starting point is 00:33:53 partner. I just figured since we look very similar and I don't plan on having kids, it would be a nice way to have biological children in the family. One of my brothers and his partner are ready to start the process to have kids. However, my partner of two years that I plan on marrying in the future is very uncomfortable and does not agree with this decision. He says that it'll be my child and he said he's going to be uncomfortable with that. I'm not sure what to do. Do I listen to my partner's concerns and come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to help my brothers or do I follow through with the promise that I made many years ago but potentially put the relationship on the line what are your thoughts am I crazy for offering and not seeing it as being my child

Starting point is 00:34:35 this is oh fucking so hard to answer as well not because I don't think that there is a clear answer here I think there is a clear answer here but it doesn't mean that your partner doesn't have feelings and it doesn't mean that he won't react to those feelings whether those feelings are right or wrong is kind of irrelevant he still has those feelings right I think your partner is confusing maternity and paternity and being a mum with biology because those two things are very very different and it's probably hard for him to extrapolate that maybe the four of you as in your brother and his partner and you and your partner need to go and speak to a counsellor maybe you need to go and speak to these fertility or relationship counsellors who will help you guys

Starting point is 00:35:19 unpack the nuance around egg collection and also what that means because you will need to go and do it anyway. It's like part and parcel of being someone who is an egg donator, but I think it's probably really important for him. Donor. Donor. Sorry. I was like, something sounded wrong in that sentence. You're an egg donator. An egg donator. Sorry. Anyone who watches Blippi will know what that song's from. It's not egg donator. It's excavator. I digress. Okay. So I think that it's probably important for you guys to go and speak to someone who is impartial to try and at least put his mind at ease because he is definitely conflating the two. His fear is that this baby, this baby that's going to have obviously a biological connection to you is going to come

Starting point is 00:36:02 out in the world. And this deep mothering instinct is going to come over you and you're going to need to take care of this baby. The reality is the baby is not your baby. And you know this because it's something that you've had many, many years to process. You were 16 since you've been having these conversations. So I think having a bit of empathy for the fact that you have had the better part of potentially a decade to process your emotional feelings around this and your partner has not, and he's now in a situation where he's coming to terms with potentially what that might mean for him as well. And maybe it's a case that he's not able to extrapolate the maternity and the parental aspect from the biology maybe he's worried that he will see it as your child that's

Starting point is 00:36:48 something that he needs to deal with because it's not how anyone else in this situation is viewing things I feel slightly differently I think Laura which is the difference here when I think about it is that you're very close to your brothers and this child is going to be in your life hugely so quite often when you donate an egg or an embryo or whatever you're donating to somebody there's a very heavy discussion on do you want to be involved or not on both sides and do the parents want you to be involved and they always pick what they think is best for the family so there are a lot I have a lot of friends who have had donor children yeah two of my best friends have donor baby yeah but then they don't have any connection with them and then I have friends that

Starting point is 00:37:29 have adopted and have donors that have a connection with the donor in this situation you're going to be in this child's life heavily because you're very close with your brothers it's your family so i think it's warranted for your partner to feel maybe potentially uncomfortable if he does feel uncomfortable i think that you can't take that away from him this is completely your decision yeah 100 and if this is something that you want to do absolutely but you have to respect your partner's opinion because that's what a relationship is and you have to understand that if he is voiced that he's not sure how it will be for him and you know maybe he's going to try and be okay with it but if he has voiced that to you that he's unsure then you can't hold that against him in the future

Starting point is 00:38:12 if he is uncomfortable with it and something happens to the relationship if he has told you his opinions I hope he's not coming in giving you an ultimatum totally it's them or me I hope for your sake because that's a horrible position but there is a part where you are two people in a relationship this is a very huge life decision for multiple people multiple parties and you do have to at least take on board how he feels but ultimately you do you but be aware that if he has told you that he might not be comfortable in the future then that is something you're gonna have to deal with it doesn't mean it's right or wrong no advice that we give you here like we can't tell you what to do we never would but I think it's something to be aware from if your

Starting point is 00:38:53 partner tells you how they feel the only thing I think I disagree with you on Brit in that is that regardless of how this baby comes into the world regardless of whose donor egg this baby comes from this baby's going to be a big part of your life because you're its auntie anyway so i don't think that the relationship that you have with this child will change just because you've donated an egg to it so i'll see i i do but that means that you're conflating being a mom and the maternal conditioning with biology like you're i'm not conflating it but i'm assuming and this is an assumption sorry like we don't know I'm assuming that when the child grows up the family are probably going to be really honest with it like your auntie actually donated an egg like you've

Starting point is 00:39:36 come from that and the child is going to be aware saying oh so on a technicality like you're actually my biological mum like that's what a child would think and so you can't say that that's going to be the same as a donor egg not from the family like there is a difference there yeah but I think it's how those conversations are had throughout the child's entire life and I think that that's a really important thing. And the way in which I view it is that that child is going to receive all the love that it needs in the household that it grows up in. And I still think that even though you're a donor, you are able to still play the part of an auntie. You're not playing the part of a mother. And that's what the fear is that your partner has. He's like that he's going to

Starting point is 00:40:11 see this as your child. It is fundamentally not your child because of the altruistic gift that is donating an egg. Some people will disagree with this, but if you are someone who goes through the donor experience and you donate sperm or you donate an egg everybody has to be on the same page as to how the child not that the child's going to be brought up but like what's the role that each person plays and like there will be some people where the person who has given donor sperm or donor egg is a really active participant parental participant in that child's life and there are loads and loads and loads of examples where that's just not the case and it's a biological gift you know I'm giving you this thing so that you can have the joy of being

Starting point is 00:40:51 a parent. And I, I think it's really hard because like you've grown up with two brothers who do not have the opportunity to have children on their own and getting a donor egg or donor sperm is really hard. It's a real process. And in Australia, it can take years for some people. So I think like if you were to turn around and say, no, I'm simply not doing it now. And you're only not doing it because of the limitations that your partner has placed. I would think that there would be definitely some things that you would need to work through with your brothers in terms of like feelings of resentment, feelings of almost like taking back something that was promised. And you're entitled to do that, but you have to make the decision that is for you, not the decision

Starting point is 00:41:32 that is for someone else. Yeah. And I think the thing that I'm trying to lean towards and explain here, maybe I didn't do it very well, but we're talking about the things that are known. We know that you'll have a discussion with your partners. We know that you're going to decide what the role is we know that you know it's going to have love and and you're not going to have a motherly role what we don't know is what the child's going to want and when the child grows up knowing that it's auntie that it sees all the time is actually its biological donor we do not know what the child is going to want and I say that because that is obviously what your partner's thinking now I'm all pro donation I don't want anyone to think I'm not but I think we can't leave out how that child

Starting point is 00:42:09 is going to feel and what it's going to want it might say I want you to be a bigger part of my life like I want that connection I want to spend more time with you I want you to be more involved and maybe that wasn't what the two parties agreed to so that is a part that you do have to consider in the future you don't know what's going to happen and maybe your partner is thinking that now my heart goes out to you because it's a really tricky situation because you love your brothers and you want to give them the world like that's what family does right but then you've got this person you love that maybe isn't on board and that's a bloody tricky spot yeah but also imagine the alternate okay imagine the alternate is that you decide not to do this because of currently a

Starting point is 00:42:46 boyfriend who you've been with for two years doesn't want you to totally you miss the opportunity to and then in four years time you guys break up anyway and everyone in that situation is then hurt your brothers are hurt you're hurt the boyfriend gets to go on and live his life potentially even have kids with another person you know like I think and I would be very very conscious about limiting my life decisions around what someone I'm in a relationship tells me I should and shouldn't do. And I know that you have to take into consideration the way that he is feeling and have many conversations around it, but I would probably, and maybe this is selfish and this is very personal. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who gives me an ultimatum or who

Starting point is 00:43:26 uses something like that as a reason to be like, I'm going to break up with you because I would hope that they would see the gift. They would see like the impact that it was having on my family, the people who I love. And I would really hope that at some point they would be able to get around that and see that it wasn't affecting them in a way that they maybe perceived it too but I think this is this too yeah this is a really tricky one because I know that people will feel differently about it I know that people who are in same-sex relationships who are going through this will probably feel very different to how we feel in some ways you know ultimately it's really fucking hard for people who are in same-sex relationships who are at the point where

Starting point is 00:43:59 they want to have babies because they just don't have all the parts to make it themselves absolutely Okay. Oh, good luck with that one. Yeah, I know. Question number three. My ex and I split a number of years ago and we have a child together. I took his surname when we married. We have both since recoupled and he is also now engaged. This has made me wonder, is it time for me to change my name back? The problem is I love my current name and it feels like a big part of who I am personally and professionally. I also really love having the same surname as the child that we happily co-parent is it weird if I just keep the name my new partner and I also have a child together and marriage will be on the cards one day but I don't want to change my name multiple

Starting point is 00:44:41 times and I much prefer my current name thoughts okay my immediate thought was absolutely don't change your name like you love your name you were married you had that time of your life your child has that name I think it's so fine where it gets tricky now is that you if you feel so strongly about having the same name as your child but you just said you've got another child with your new partner so I'm assuming it has your current partner's name so then you've you've already got two children with different names which is fine but is there a way maybe you can hyphen the name so that everyone has the same names if that is your issue I don't think because you split with someone you have to change your name back I know people that have kept their name for 10 15 20 years

Starting point is 00:45:23 like since they've broken up because that's their new identity that's who they became totally and they're happy with that also it's a fucking nightmare to change those documents back like yeah filling out documents like too lazy yeah so i i think that this is like for me you absolutely don't have to change your name my only consideration would be if you are having further children with your partner and you do want them all to have the same name what does that look like can you hyphenate both names will your current partner not like that you've hyphenated with your with your ex-husband collecting husband's name yeah exactly so it's like that's where for me i don't know what I would do in that situation okay I have I think that there will be people who think

Starting point is 00:45:59 that this is weird like I think there'll be some people listening to this and they'll be like why the fuck would you want to keep your ex-husband's name but I have skin in this game right not that I was ever divorced multiple times I burn isn't even my maiden name my maiden name that's it that makes me feel so old my maiden name you do but you don't have a maiden name because you didn't change your name I said burn no I have skin in the game because of my mom so my mom is kim vikansky you know she was jerry seinfield kim vikansky uh yeah well look i mean my childhood probably could have been on no i was thinking jerry springer same same but different so my mom was a philippi like her parents are philippi she got married to my dad she turned

Starting point is 00:46:37 into a burn she then married my stepdad who was a absolute fuckhead and his name was vikansky and i would say that most people would keep a name of someone who they still are in good contact with like you said here you happily co-parent alongside right like you don't absolutely hate the person that you're not in a relationship anymore with so in my mom's instance and just to kind of give you a bit of the backstory so i mean you guys know i've spoken about this a bit in the past or touched on it like my stepdad was deeply problematic he's i was like he's not alive anymore he died that sounds harsh but like look if we got into the nuance of that you would probably think the same but his last name is vikansky and my mom took his last name when they got married i have a younger

Starting point is 00:47:20 brother who is quite a bit younger than me he's my brother but obviously he's my half brother because we have different dads but I would never ever refer to him he's my brother on a technicality yeah and his last name is Vikansky so we have a Matthias Vikansky in the house a Kim Vikansky in the house and two girls who were a burn and they got divorced when I was probably 13 or 12 I'd just started high school and my mum decided to keep his last name, even though she resented him, even though he went on to have another marriage and had more children, she chose to keep the last name. And that reason for that was one, because she wanted my brother to have the same name

Starting point is 00:47:59 as someone in that household, in our household. She didn't want him to be the only person. And I guess the way that I think about your situation here is your child has his last name. at least there's two people in your household who have the same last name and then also you have the same last name as your other child so everyone at least is connected to someone whereas if you change your name now to be the same as your new husband and your new child it really isolates your child from the other marriage you're like they come into your household and they're the

Starting point is 00:48:28 only kid that doesn't have the same last name it's very othering and so there's something that I think is actually quite beautiful about the fact that you have kept your last name and kept a little bit of that identity. And it also really reinforces to your first child that you are happily co-parenting with their dad, that you don't harbor animosity. And I think that that really shows like a healthy relationship and a really healthy way in which they can navigate relationships in the future. I don't think this is weird. I think you can keep last names. Names don't define your family. You can have multiple names in one family and your kids are going to grow up fine. Yeah, I think it's great. I 100% agree. There's no right or wrong at all. It's

Starting point is 00:49:06 what you feel what your kids feel maybe you can have a discussion with your kids about how they feel like i don't know if you want to actually put that decision into their hands especially if they're three who knows how that could end up but yeah there's don't feel guilty about this because there's there's literally no right or wrong and in our household i'm the only one who's a burn actually it's funny because marley's like nah buster's a burn as well but we're all johnsons so she thinks the dog is a burn just me me and buster burn yeah he delilah's hockley yeah and She'll be Hockley for forever. It doesn't matter.

Starting point is 00:49:34 I remember when we were filling out the details, they were like, do you want it to be Thompson? Like, because I got Delilah with my ex, Jordan Thompson. Do you want it to be Thompson or Hockley? And even though at that time I was like, I'm going to marry this guy. I was like, but in case I don't, I was like, Baker Hockley. I'm keeping the dog. And I gave her Mayo as well. Delilah Mayo Hockley.

Starting point is 00:49:51 I have a question for you, Britt. If you and Ben were to get married, would you take his last name? I don't know. I think so. Brittany Segrist. Yeah, that's hot. Yeah, but it's... Brittany Mayo.

Starting point is 00:50:00 Do you know why I can't see it? and maybe it's because I'm so lazy and I kept my last name. It's because I think when you are someone who's created, you know, your work around your name, like your name becomes like such a part of your identity. Yeah. I think it's almost like it feels like a bit of emotional whiplash to change your name.

Starting point is 00:50:17 I have thought about it because I think about getting married a lot. No pressure, Ben. We know you listen. If my time ever comes. I have always thought that I would change it to Seagrass and then when i have children if i have children that they would be seagrass but publicly i would just keep hockley like i would just wouldn't change my handles on instagram or like because that's it i don't go on radio or the podcast and go hi guys i'm britney hockley like it's i'm just

Starting point is 00:50:44 britney so yeah hock.com it's just a technicality like so i think that i would probably change my name because i like the idea of that i know a lot of people are like fucking patriarchy and misogyny and whatever else but it's i like being the idea of everyone having the same name in a family in a family yeah and I think for me the reason why I don't I think genuinely the reason why I haven't changed my name is purely because growing up the last name was just so irrelevant because we were all a big weird mixed up family and like you know my mom changed her name and it didn't result in like a stability you know like having everyone having the same name in a household didn't equate to a happy household so I'm kind of like we can be a happy household and I can have

Starting point is 00:51:26 the last name Bern and everyone else can have the last name Johnson. I don't feel isolated from my kids. I feel just as much their mum as anyone else. I would, I reckon if I didn't have, because I've got two older brothers that have had a lot of kids and they've got boys as well. Like the Hockley name is well and truly carried on. If I didn't have brothers and I knew that name wasn't going to be carried on, then I'd probably consider asking my partner to change it. But I've got so many Hockleys in the family now. So I'm like, yeah, I'll just, I'll go to Seagrass or whoever though he's lucky enough to marry me i mean john's joking sorry man johnson isn't exactly a rare name i think that they're doing okay yeah anyway guys that is it from us we hope that you love the

Starting point is 00:52:05 episode if you have any questions for ask uncut slide on into the dms and we will do our best to answer them on next week's episode so and also if you have a like we said if you have an ask uncut aftermath if we've answered a question for you and you have an update for us we want to hear so make sure you send that in to the DMs as well don't forget, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love!

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Donor Eggs, Keeping My Ex's Surname & My Best Friend's Husband Tried to Cheat With Me

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