Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Don't Tell Your Partner You Weren't Attracted to Them

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And well, we are coming to you cross-continent today because good old Brito is in Scotland. I am back, located inside of Ben's wardrobe, which is where I do my podcast records.

Starting point is 00:00:38 I clear the jackets to the side. He's got like a little pull-out undie drawer and I literally sit in the undie drawer. It's amazing. It just makes really good soundproofing. What people don't realise is that if you do, so like if we're ever not together and we have to podcast somewhere and we're not in a studio or whatever, the best place to do it is facing into a cupboard. so you just talk into your clothes which is exactly what you're doing now but I do want to

Starting point is 00:01:00 say I don't think I know anybody who has as many shoes as what Ben has oh no it's ludicrous like behind you right now it's fucking wild yeah he's a shoe collector he's a shoe collector he is but no because he he'll buy shoes that are like collector shoes like fancy shoes like you know there's like limited edition Jordans or what I don't know I don't know what they are but I know that he's got a shoe thing and then he puts them in a box and then he'll wear them like once a year and i'm like what is the point of having them shoes to me seem like the dumbest thing to collect because if you wear them they get damaged and then if you don't wear them they're just sitting in a room and no one sees them so then what's the point does do the girl thing where you're like oh

Starting point is 00:01:40 i've got nothing to wear you know how we say that he does that with his shoes i've got no shoes to wear i'm like there are 62 pairs of shoes behind me in every color you've got a fucking pair of shoe store. Anyway, I don't know if you've seen, but there's something that Ben and I have always done since we met. And that's like, we try to scare each other. Since the day I met him, we always hide and try and scare each other. He gets me so good all the time and I've never been able to get him ever. And just today, it's on my Instagram as we speak, but just today I finally got him really good. I hid, I went to extremes. I saw him coming home from work and I went outside and I hid behind the front door to the unit block

Starting point is 00:02:16 because I know it takes about four minutes for him to park and then walk around to the front where it gets up. So I'm hiding behind these big doors. It's like street facing and I'm pretty much timing how long it's going to take him and I'm like, this is going to be the ultimate scare and I jump out as he opens the door and I go, rah!

Starting point is 00:02:33 And this girl screams. It was not Ben. i'm lucky it wasn't like a hulk hogan that karate chopped me in the neck like hit me in the jugular this poor girl i was like oh my god i just like jumped i was like i'm so i'm so sorry i'm not going to attack you but i'm trying to scare my boyfriend she was like what the actual fuck and i'm like i genuinely i'm really sorry merry christmas please enter the building this is something that grown adults don't do oh I just jumped out to try and scare my boyfriend when you're a 37 year old woman it sounds really fucking dumb yeah she's like sure you fucking did

Starting point is 00:03:12 no she was actually really good we had a chuckle about it after but she's like you really probably shouldn't scare like people like that I'm like no it's fine I've never done it in public before it's usually in the safety of our own house but I'll I will be taking it only inside from now but you'll be happy to know I did get him two minutes later oh my god but it's so good and it's so different this time being over here in Scotland because my sister has fully moved into her house here so my sister Sherry and her husband Jay they've been traveling around he's Scottish but they've actually settled in Scotland now for the next I don't know maybe a year or so so they're just down the road do you know what I need to know and this is something that I don't think

Starting point is 00:03:47 we've ever discussed the coincidence of it is it not the weirdest coincidence that your sister is living in Scotland and that you managed to find a guy of all the countries in the world who is also Scottish and now you're both dating Scottish people well she's married so like you know one up on you but like all right Laura not that everything in life is a competition no but competition is healthy you're just saying that I'm not married is that what you're saying cool got that no no the point is it's weird that you're both there and you're both now living in Scotland yeah the weirder thing is Sheridan and I lived here like seven years ago we lived two minutes from Ben's house right now like I was down the road from Ben isn't that that is weird to me

Starting point is 00:04:29 see I kind of like these things because I really love the little story and everyone has them in their relationships or in their work or whatever it is that they're doing in life these like sliding door moments where something could have happened or it could have been a different way and like your life comes to these little crossroads I really love hearing those sliding door moments I think they're quite special well yeah because you're like I wonder if there was every time that I walk past him or if you were in the same restaurant or I don't know there's so many I would have liked to have thought I would have noticed him actually I said that to the other day like do you think if we didn't meet online and you actually saw me walking down the street

Starting point is 00:05:01 or like heard my laugh or saw my personality do you think you would have come over to me he's like no absolutely absolutely not thank god for online dating I was like great thanks yeah also I feel the same about Matt I'm like thank god for the bachelor because if we had just been brought together like at a party or something in real life he never would have fucking dated me it never would have happened all right well guys this is our last actual episode before we have a little bit of a christmas break before you guys go on your christmas holidays and your merry merry way we do have a year in review coming which is like all of our favorite and best bits from the year to kind of walk down memory lane it's called aria in your view but also we are dropping some of the

Starting point is 00:05:42 conversations that we had at the live shows as well so there's still content and there's still episodes dropping if you're going on a road trip or you're going to be in the car for any sort of long hours we have you covered but brit and i are taking a tiny break until 2024 which feels very fucking weird isn't that wild but i do want to just say and i mean like i feel like we've said it a hundred times but we do and we're not going to harp on about it but we do want to say a huge thank you to you guys because we are only here because of you and the community that you guys have created and what you bring to the podcast every week because you guys bring that you bring it to the discussion group you bring us content you're there to support us through the good and

Starting point is 00:06:20 the bad and we just want to say an absolutely humongous thank you for joining us on another year another crazy ride 2023 we hope you come to 2024 with us but also for everyone who's sending questions like you're asking cuts as well like we also we so deeply know what a privilege it is for when you have things that are going wrong in your life or you have big questions or you're in the shit. And you reach out to either the Life Uncut community via the Facebook group, or you reach out to Britt and I and Keisha directly to answer those questions. Like it is such a privilege that we get to do what we do and to kind of like unpack it. And I think Britt, like I speak for both of us, but I have learned so much over the past four and a half years because of the need to do

Starting point is 00:07:00 research, the need to understand, the need to like learn from the questions that you have all written in and from the things that you have asked it's made me really have to like I've learned and it's made me better in my relationships as well and so I am so grateful for you guys as much as I know that we are all grateful for this little community Laura that made it sound like you you're dating multiple people other than that like no but the other thing is the Facebook discretion group we've said it a hundred times how amazing you guys are and how many amazing things you do for each other but there's one thing that has just happened just yesterday that I just think is the icing on the cake for wholesomeness I want to read it to you I don't think you've seen it yet Laura Deb says

Starting point is 00:07:42 I'm looking for a Christmas miracle last year at age 35 and single I did an egg reserve test randomly and found my egg count below the low range which is 0.3 I have dreamt my whole life of being a mum and suddenly that dream has become so far out of reach fast forward one and a half years and seven rounds of IVF and I'm still left empty-handed. I'm looking for someone who would donate me some of their very precious eggs or even leftover embryos to help me fulfill a lifelong dream. Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Now, so far there's been over 50 comments on that post. Every single one is supportive and so many people are literally saying, I have eggs, like I can help you in this situation I've had my children some are saying that they will donate fresh some are

Starting point is 00:08:32 saying they've got some already frozen and I just had this moment where I was like I could never have dreamt up a world where there was a community that would go so far as to help another woman have a baby without a second thought like and I don't I don't know if this is going to go through I don't know if anything's going to come from it but the fact that there's so many people that were like I know what that's like I had a struggle myself yeah I will help you one woman was like yeah take mine I was like well that was you're giving that away freely but good on you she's like take a dozen I've got a few of my own kids they're fucking terrible no she's like take my actual child she's like school holidays are here you can have it but I just thought fuck what like how

Starting point is 00:09:14 amazing is that just it just warms my heart it's so special and like I know that this hasn't come into fruition yet and if it does we will obviously keep you all posted but it's just the the magnitude of the fact that every time there is a big question anytime that there is someone who's going through it that you guys are so supportive and that there's always people within the group who are giving their time giving their resources giving their knowledge so freely and we are incredibly grateful for that so yeah I mean maybe it's because we're coming into the end of the year we're feeling even more nostalgic and sentimental but it really is something that's so special and that we are so proud of now before we get into answering all of your questions there was something

Starting point is 00:09:54 That was a little bit less sentimental that I saw on Instagram and it has been going absolutely viral. I've seen it pop up so many times since I sent it to both Britt and Keish probably two weeks ago now when I very, very first saw it. And it keeps making resurgence, doesn't it? Like every couple of days on Instagram, some other big account grabs hold of it. I don't know if you guys follow the account. It's kind of similar to a Ladbible Instagram account. It's called Daddy Issues. And they recently reposted it kind of like, imagine if your partner did this to you. So I just want to set the scene. I'm going to play the music for you so you can really get

Starting point is 00:10:25 into the ambience of this post. Okay. So this is the music. Oh. And it's two people embracing. Everybody close your eyes. Okay, I'll stop. No, keep playing.

Starting point is 00:10:40 It's a husband and wife and they're holding each other and they're swaying and the wife has posted this and it says POV. You don't find them initially attractive but decide to push past your superficial type and end up totally in love it's so fun I can't even see how many comments it's garnered now because I think she's turned commenting off because a lot of people were feeling particularly strong about the use of the words about how she kind of has basically said that she you know well she did say that she didn't find her husband attractive

Starting point is 00:11:10 but it did make me question because when I first watched this I was like it's such a backhanded compliment it's so fucking mean to say about your husband publicly on a social platform where you have loads of followers saying that you did not find them attractive but you pushed past it and now like they grew on you kind of like a wart if my partner put an instagram up for people to see that said you grew on me and it wasn't facetious like she's not joking she's not being sarcastic she's literally just being like thank god you stuck around like a rash because you grew on me I think it's so rude I think it is it's actually okay but it made me think though so my initial reaction to this was like oh my god I can't believe that this was posted but then I did

Starting point is 00:11:53 unpack it a little bit more Matt and I were talking about it and I was like well do you think maybe this is just a reflection of the fact that we put way too much emphasis on people's physical attraction because Britt you and I have we have preached this from day one of the podcast that you should like if you meet someone and you're not initially deeply attracted to them but there is like you know that thread of spark in your chemistry or you find them interesting or like they tick all the other boxes should you invest time in them and we've always sort of said like yes give them enough time to figure out whether or not attraction could grow yes laura you give them a chance but you don't tell them you don't tell them that you're not attracted to them

Starting point is 00:12:30 like that's your internal monologue you don't voice that you don't be like you don't do it for me but there's no better option so i'll keep you around like no why i feel like you're semi defending them no do you know what i'm not semi defending them i'm only semi defending them because i do actually feel sorry the poor woman who posted this firstly one she could have taken it down but she she hasn't she's left it up because it's gotten her a whole lot of followers and likes and everything else but she did write in the comment section to all the haters have you ever eliminated someone either in your head swiping on an app or in person because you thought they're not my type well it's almost always based on the superficial things which are looks when i met

Starting point is 00:13:08 she's attached to her husband. He was five and a half years younger than me. I'd never dated someone that young. He had blue hair and funky style. It wasn't my thing at first, but I was being superficial, which is why I keep posting things like this because they keep hitting a nerve. It's clearly something that needs to be discussed more. That's had 16,000 likes. And I do think that there is truth to it, but I don't think that the way in which the initial reel was put together and kind of platforming that you did not find your husband attractive, but you pushed through it was necessarily the right way to communicate it. No and when you read it like that Laura like when you read her comment I totally actually get it but I have spoken on

Starting point is 00:13:43 the podcast before over the years about a guy that I used to date that I had zero attraction to him he was my flatmate like a random guy that I moved in with I had zero attraction to him and after four months of living with him I became attracted to him and we dated because for four months I saw how funny he was and how much of an amazing person he was and the physicality wasn't there at the start. But once I saw past that and saw who he was, he became attractive to me. So I actually get it, but I would never have told him that. I have never told him that. Totally. And I do want to read to you a couple of the more comments that are on this post, because I do think that it really encapsulates how most people felt when they saw this. I'll put a link to this reel on

Starting point is 00:14:23 the show notes because it is funny and it does make you think, but someone wrote, you could not waterboard this information out of me. Someone else wrote, I get your message and I think it's actually kind of cool I also believe that attraction grows when you get to know someone however it also makes me a little sad that you've made your platform into regularly saying you didn't find your husband attractive I guess I would just be devastated and feel disrespected if my husband was regularly posting online to a large audience that he didn't think I was attractive but dated me anyway especially if she's made that like if some people's brand is interiors some people's brand is food her brand is my husband wasn't hot but I persevered oh

Starting point is 00:15:02 Like that's so, it's actually so bad. But you know what? Let this be a lesson to you. Going into 2024, if you're fucking dating, you should also date people that you're not super attracted to because it might grow and you also could be this person. Happy. And also options are limited. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:18 And sometimes we need to widen the net a little bit. No, I do think it's important though. You shouldn't date someone who you're completely not attracted to. You have to have that a little bit of something there. Of course. There has to be some sort of attraction. there has to be some sort of curiosity you can't just date people because they tick all of the you know the boxes that you have in your head but there is nothing about sort of like underlying

Starting point is 00:15:39 chemistry and I'm not saying the chemistry needs to be strong but there needs to be enough of it that you're not actually repulsed when they try and hold your hand I mean talk about like backhanded compliments one just popped into my head right then as we speak as you said that Laura I remember this guy ages and ages ago I've also spoken about him on the podcast the guy that he lived overseas we were like the longest situationship you could ever imagine like three years I almost felt like I could have been his girlfriend but we were never exclusive and I'll just never forget at the end he said to me Brit you're just so perfect on paper then there was a pause and I was like and and he goes but it's just not in real life and I was like oh my god

Starting point is 00:16:20 I was like bro are you serious that was almost a wonderful thing to say there were some absolutely fucking wild and hilarious ones that you guys sent in and I wanted to share them with you because if you've ever felt like a little bit bad about yourself this is going to make you feel much better I'm going to kick it off you're really pretty you're just not very photogenic a store assistant said to me the dress looks gorgeous on you it'll look better once you've got Spanx on do you know what though this was really sad because I received thousands like honestly thousands of people's backhanded compliments and I would say that a good 70% of them were weight related and that is very messed up but it also shows us how much

Starting point is 00:17:07 as a society we are fixated on weight and we're fixated on aesthetic and that plays such a massive part on it so i tried to pick out ones that were a bit more even but there were so so many weight ones and it's just fucked anyway okay you are so brave being single in your 30s not a choice beautiful and bold and brave what about see you can look nice when you try said to me on my wedding day my mother-in-law said you give the best cuddles in the family because you are the chubbiest I made the decision not to have children and my friend said to me, you are much more suited to being the fun aunt anyway. I don't know how you would go being a full-time mum.

Starting point is 00:17:47 I feel like I get that. I have that energy where people say that to me. Sometimes I do think that of you though, Britt, when I mean in the most endearing, loving, kind way. Excuse me. I will be a great mum when I have it and she's not at my sister Sheridan's house. When she's not with its full-time nanny. When she's not with Auntie Sherry, I will be a great mum.

Starting point is 00:18:07 I say this, but I'm joking. I've seen you with my kids and you would be a great, great mom. I will not have much tolerance, but yes, continue. You are so pretty for a lesbian. What? Who is saying this shit? This one, funnily enough, this one actually came in from my, like one of my closest friends, Vanessa.

Starting point is 00:18:25 She was in my DMs and she wrote back to it. She's been my old housemate. And she was like, this is the worst backhand compliment I've ever received. You're hot for a redhead. Yeah. You're lucky because you have no boobs. What about the one producer Keisha told us? Oh yeah, the one I've gotten, I reckon maybe 20 times in my life,

Starting point is 00:18:42 is it's your boobs that make you look fat. That's so messed up. All right, I have another one. Wow, your husband is so attractive. I mean, you're pretty, but he is so handsome. Stop hitting on my husband. They're not even hitting on your husband. They're just making you aware that you're not hot enough to have your husband.

Starting point is 00:18:59 That's what they're saying. But you're like, what am I, a ham sandwich? Yes, they're literally saying you are less attractive and you're punching or that's the other one you are punching is also not a compliment telling someone that they're punching in a relationship is actually really fucking offensive yes I get told I look like my dog a lot which is backhanded because my dog's pretty but she's a dog but to be fair she's a really pretty dog she's still a dog she's a hairy mutt I love her but I get told all the time like you'll look like your dog i'm like i think that's thanks i think i've got another one

Starting point is 00:19:35 you are such an amazing mom i wish i could be more like you but i'm just too busy smashing work goals guys we're gonna put up a post on our instagram i would love to know all of your backhanded compliments so if you have one that is just raging inside to get out when you've been listening to these go on to life uncut podcast on instagram and comment what is your most outrageous backhanded compliment that you've received because there are some absolutely wild and terrible ones out there okay well let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes i'm gonna kick it off this was a movie it's been out for probably two years it's not like it's new but i've only just gotten around to watching it and i absolutely loved it i loved the meaning behind it it's called promising young women

Starting point is 00:20:18 it's carrie mulligan i don't know if you know carrie mulligan but she's actually a brilliant actress it's produced by margot robbie and her lucky chap entertainment company now this is probably one of the first like the earlier movies that I think Margot produced because it was a couple years ago but it's about rape culture and it's about what women I know that sounds serious but it's about what women face every week of their life I don't want to give too much away but the idea is Carrie Mulligan's best friend was raped when they were like in college she ends up taking her life and the movie then surrounds Carrie it's like she's out for revenge and to try and change the world and she goes out on every weekend and she pretends to be really intoxicated like she's

Starting point is 00:21:00 been and she is she's drinking and stuff but it's water she's not getting drunk and she's always by herself she's like slumped down on the chair and she's essentially waiting for somebody to try and take advantage of her and they always do these men always come up they always pretend to be the good guy like let me get you home are you all right you here with anyone all the things that as a woman you've heard a hundred times and it's so different it's so weird to be removed and watching this scene unfold and then they take her home and she always waits for them to go too far and she's like stop she says no no in her drunken state and then when they go too far and they don't listen and she knows what's going to happen she seeks revenge on them so I really enjoyed it and I know it sounds

Starting point is 00:21:41 dark from my explanation but the way they have filmed it it doesn't come across that way yeah Yeah. I mean, you were describing this to me yesterday, Britt, and it's now on my must watch for four holidays a break. So many women have experienced a version of that or predatory nature when they have been too intoxicated. It's very much portraying our reality, women's reality and the way women perceive it and the way men perceive it. Yeah. Okay. Well, I have a recommendation as well, which is on Netflix. It is called Bad Surgeon. Now, so many of you have actually recommended this in the Facebook group and that was the reason why I found it and started watching it. So it's called Bad Surgeon, Love Under the Knife and it's a new release documentary that's

Starting point is 00:22:17 come out. If you're somebody who enjoyed watching Dr. Death, I feel like this could be a really interesting documentary for you. So this is all about following Dr. Paolo Macchiarini and he was a thoracic surgeon. It's this weird kind of crossover between him being potentially brilliant but also being wildly narcissistic in his practices. He was fraudulent, he was also very manipulative and it kind of follows not just his surgeries and the damage that he did to his patients but it also sort of follows his love story as well through a journalist who was capturing his life at the time it's done really well there's a couple little bits which i think are slightly slow moving but the story itself is very harrowing and it also makes you question how these surgeons

Starting point is 00:23:02 are able to get away with such like immense neglect and incompetence and also just with being like such an incredible cowboy and reckless and having this complex like godlike syndrome but I'm I'm really enjoying it I'm a couple of episodes in and if you have some time in your holidays and you want a Netflix doco to watch that's my recommendation I have watched it and I did enjoy it but just to add to that Laura I also listened to the podcast years ago when the story first dropped and I really enjoyed the podcast too so I feel like if people are really into it they could do both all right well with that out of the way let's get into the questions question number one i've been with my husband for 13 years two kids and i have a stepdaughter

Starting point is 00:23:44 recently an openly gay man who his acquaintances with started sending him messages at all hours of the night cracking onto him telling my husband i know telling my husband how much he likes him and that he can't stop thinking about him and what his penis would look like etc etc he kept telling my husband that he thinks he is the sexiest man on the planet we would also wake up to deleted messages from this man before my husband had read them so he's obviously sent things thought about it like abort mission regret abort mission we've had a tough few years in our relationship and this made me really uncomfortable yes my husband showed me the messages but when i asked him to tell the friend to stop he wouldn't that's weird my husband didn't egg him on as such

Starting point is 00:24:30 but he also didn't shut it down especially when I was sobbing and telling him that I wasn't okay with those kinds of messages being sent to him he said I'm not gay so it shouldn't matter I actually left for a few days at one point because I needed space at this point he finally messaged the dude and told him to stop but he did it in such a way that was so undermining to me the messages were basically quote I'm as shocked as you are I don't mind the messages but my psycho wife has lost her shit about it so to save my sanity could you just stop sending me those messages the messages did stop after that but i feel differently about my husband now i feel like he betrayed me and threw me under the bus just the lack of respect towards me to the other guy what do you think have i

Starting point is 00:25:16 overreacted here oh yeah i just oh okay i mean there's not enough information to actually know what's going on right like because it could just be a case of one of his friends is sexually inappropriate and flirty and it so doesn't rate on his radar of like he's so not gay that he's like oh whatever he's like I just I just ignore it you know which obviously I'm not saying that that's the way to go about it by any means but it could be such a nothing thing to him that he's like you're making this such a big deal to his wife and like I know we're only hearing secondhand what those messages were exactly I don't know we don't know we don't know I mean to say I can't stop thinking about what your dick would look like as wild and then i'm assuming the other ones

Starting point is 00:25:59 were wild yeah just as much but also that's why i'm like it's almost incomprehensible that that's why i'm kind of like is this how it was playing out that's why i'm kind of questioning it but let's say the situation is exactly what the information is that we've received your husband sounds like he is either one was quite enjoying the messages or two he is so deeply conflict avoidant that he's used you as the scapegoat to have the conversation with the friend about something that he wasn't able to do so he wasn't able to just send what he felt was a confrontational message of like hey please stop sending me that because it was like the awkward elephant in the room or your husband quite enjoyed it and was partaking in it and therefore he couldn't then

Starting point is 00:26:43 just tell him to stop he had to use you as a scapegoat to get him to stop there's two options here what are they yeah I also am leaning towards option two it's such a normal thing and I'm not saying it's right and he definitely didn't word it the right way like you don't say my wife's a fucking psycho like you just don't ever put that into a sentence I think he's probably uncomfortable with how to have that conversation and say to somebody else like I don't reciprocate your feelings and it's inappropriate he shouldn't have even had to have said that this is where it gets a little bit the water gets a little bit muddy for me because usually usually blanket statement somebody doesn't message a married person that they know is married that they know has kids

Starting point is 00:27:25 unless there is something that has been given back an inkling of interest and I'm not saying that this husband is bi or gay or anything's happened I'm not saying that but it's pretty ballsy and pretty bold to be messaging a married person with kids that's a whole from the outside plain happy families if you haven't somehow been given a green light that that is okay i agree but also the consistency of it like if he never received any affirmation or validation back what my question is is well how long do these messages go for like was it was it two weeks of him just like randomly sending sexual messages with zero response was it only one or two messages on like a drunken night out like what does that look like in terms of time frame that's why i mean

Starting point is 00:28:09 i have so many questions about the questions that it seems too difficult to answer but my one thing i will say is that people who so like i mean this is this doesn't matter whether you're gay or you're not gay right this can happen in any relationship if someone does something i.e another person is sending messages to your partner and you've asked them to have a conversation with them to tell them to stop you shouldn't have to firstly it doesn't matter if it was a female sending it or if it's a guy sending it. If you are in a relationship and you are receiving inappropriate messages from someone else, it should be a common expectation that your partner is just going to send a message back to them and say, I'm in a relationship. This is inappropriate or block them, right?

Starting point is 00:28:49 Like this is what you would expect of your partner without having to tell them to do it. But if you do find yourself in a position where you discover that your partner's receiving inappropriate messages and you then ask them to have a conversation with that person, or you ask them to put boundaries in place and they use you as the reason for those boundaries, then that is so deeply disrespectful. If they undermine you because they are too uncomfortable to have the conversation and they villainize you, then that is a much bigger issue. And also, I think pertains to how he views you and how he treats you and how he talks about you behind your back. Yeah. And I mean, I don't think this is a hard question to answer. And I think we have all

Starting point is 00:29:28 information we need because the information, the question isn't relating to this guy doing the messaging and the inappropriate dig messaging. That's not what it is. She is uncomfortable with her husband's response. That is it. And she's asking if she's overreacting from her husband's response. And I don't think that she is because at the end of the day, you have asked two things. You have said, I'm uncomfortable, please stop. And he didn't. So he ignored that. So of course, it doesn't matter what the situation was. You have said, I'm uncomfortable. Can you put this to bed and he has refused for whatever reason and maybe maybe he's enjoying the fact that someone's stroking his ego someone's telling him that there's a sexist man on the planet like maybe

Starting point is 00:30:07 he's just frothing that but then the second part is yeah that's really rude if he wrote what you said where sorry my wife's a fucking psycho make my life easier for me like do me a favor kind of thing it's all on her and he's dumping he's holding on you then you are not overreacting if i found out that ben or my partner was saying that to somebody else about me he either a thinks it or b he's making people think that i am a quote unquote psycho so it's not cool the problem is is because what he's doing here is he's triangulated right and this is what can happen in relationships when there's any sort of cheating or there's anything that involves an external person outside the relationship and i'm not saying that he's

Starting point is 00:30:44 cheated but he's acted inappropriate by not putting boundaries in place there is triangulation that happens but usually it should be between the partner and the person who's in the relationship Like, they're supposed to be the unit, but he has triangulated you by taking the side of the person who is doing the inappropriate thing. So instead of- Pythagoras theorem. Well, yeah, instead of- This is an obtuse triangle.

Starting point is 00:31:06 But instead of him taking your side and the two of you being a unit, what he has done is he has taken the side of the person who has caused this conflict in your relationship by making you the issue. He has created and made you the issue in this. And the other part of this is, like, you are being gaslit. you have explained that something has hurt you and that it is a problem for you and you have asked for boundaries to be put into place he has told you it's not a problem you should know it's not a problem because he's not gay so firstly he's he's completely dismissing the fact that to you it

Starting point is 00:31:35 doesn't matter whether it's coming from a guy or from a female it's inappropriate and then when he has finally had to say something he's once again said you're overreacting she's a psycho and this is the type of language that people use to diminish our feelings and that makes you feel crazy and it makes you act in a way that maybe someone would call you a psycho because you're being diminished. And I think like, just be very aware of the way in which he's treating you and the way in which he's speaking to you and minimizing you, because it really does inflame the worst qualities in you. Like it really does make you behave in a way that could be crazy. Yeah. Let's break it down. What he's saying is my wife has boundaries. She's a psycho. My wife has boundaries. She's

Starting point is 00:32:16 unhinged. You know, my wife has boundaries. She's making my life hell. Sorry, I can't sext with someone else like it's so it's so not okay and when you break it down like I hope if you're listening to this back you realize without us saying it but you haven't overreacted and your feelings are very much validated like this is a situation where you need to sit down with him and I'm really sorry that it is actually making you feel different about your husband and I hope that that feeling is reversible I hope it's not too far gone because I don't think it is worth ending a 13-year marriage over but I think you need to have that conversation before your ick upsets him too much and you can't reverse it and you need to say to him do you understand why this

Starting point is 00:32:56 upsets me why saying this about me upsets me ask him break it down and have a conversation because I don't think it's worth throwing away your marriage for but I would be questioning why he was okay with receiving those messages at all hours of the night but I think that that's the big thing right like he would know very obviously he would if that was coming from a woman he would be able to understand why it's an issue it doesn't the sex is irrelevant there's it doesn't matter if it's coming from a guy or it's coming from a girl it's the inappropriateness of it and the fact that he can compartmentalize one and say oh well because i'm not gay it's not an issue and it's like no it's not it's not about your sexual orientation it's got nothing to do with it it's about the

Starting point is 00:33:33 fact that someone's being sexually explicit with you and you're not caring and you're not putting boundaries in place and if you're not putting boundaries in place then the inference would be that you're enjoying it or that you're okay with it if you're not saying no and you're being receptive to this and you're being like you know you're still friends you're like chatty you're like you know maybe a bit flirty with him then maybe you're encouraging it and I guess like in this instance I think you need to be quite direct with it but like I feel exactly the same as you Brit and I don't like the idea that you have been made to feel as though you're overreacting because of your feelings yeah question number two last night my husband and I were chatting

Starting point is 00:34:09 and the conversation turned to our sex life we've never watched porn together or even discussed it so i broached the topic i know he doesn't normally watch porn and i asked if he ever has before he answered yes i then asked him if he'd ever watched it while we've been together and again he said yes i then asked if he watched it since we've been living together and then married and he thought about that for a little while and then he said yes i then asked if he'd ever watched it since our first child was born to which he said no during that combo i became curious and started asking more and more questions but he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore as it made him a bit uncomfortable instead of listening to him and respecting his wishes i kept questioning

Starting point is 00:34:49 him he got frustrated as i didn't respect his wishes and he refused to talk about it anymore i then became really upset and angry not because he put a boundary in place but because he'd watched porn since we've been living together. We've always had a great sex life with the exception of a couple of dry times around us having kids, but we've always been really open about our communication about it. Him watching porn since we've been living together and married makes me feel like I haven't been doing a good enough job for him. Now she goes on to say that she understands that this sort of insecurity has come from a past relationship and the fact that her past relationship ended because her ex watched a lot of porn and it affected their relationship.

Starting point is 00:35:30 and their sex life but she's like really taken out on her husband and she says i don't really know how to go about this and how to move on mentally my husband hasn't necessarily done anything wrong and i know this is more my issue i mean i feel like we've spoken about this kind of a topic like porn in relationships a lot and the thing is it is so individual to the individual and to the individual relationship what is okay with one person is not going to be okay with another and people have different reasons for it. Is he watching porn once in a blue moon when you guys might not be having much sex for whatever reason, which is okay? Is he watching it every single night? Is he sneaking it? Is he watching it at work? Is it an addiction? Is he expecting

Starting point is 00:36:08 different things from you because of the porn? But on a surface level, for me, I don't have a problem with my partner watching some porn occasionally. I think it's a part of curiosity. I think it's part of human nature. There is an interest in sex for females as well. This is not just males like lots of females watch porn but there is an interest in watching something that you might never do and he might just be watching it for that exact reason it's a level of curiosity maybe it is turning him on sometimes people want to watch porn and masturbate really quickly where that where they don't actually want to engage in sex if he's watching porn and it's affecting your sex life because he's not wanting to have sex with you like all these variables weigh in so

Starting point is 00:36:46 heavily you said you have an insecurity so it might be different and I don't know what that insecurity is around but me personally to answer this question if it's not interrupting your sex life i do not have a problem with my partner watching porn sometimes okay i think that i don't think that this is a question about whether we care whether our partners watch porn because i actually think it goes beyond the porn i think the way in which the communication happened here is quite damaging to your relationship because it felt like entrapment you're talking about your sex life as a broad and open conversation then you arrived at a topic that you didn't like the you know do you watch porn but that question was asked as a very open-ended question and then you started

Starting point is 00:37:30 digging because you didn't like the answer but you were digging to almost have ammunition to be angry do you know it was like he was answering honestly and then he realized that the conversation had shifted and he's like oh I can see this going so you don't you're not happy with this and so then he was like look you're getting upset by something so like let's stop down and you didn't and couldn't appreciate the stop down then and so you kept going and kept going kept going and now it's become a bigger thing it's like he's being punished for something he didn't know was a boundary that he did that he spoke to you openly about and now it's created this divide and the problem here is is that in the future when you bring up something if he gets a whiff of the fact

Starting point is 00:38:08 that maybe it might backfire on him to be honest with you he's not going to want to talk openly about his sexual desires or his sexual fantasies or that because it's like you've told me this and now I'm going to make you feel guilty for it. And I think that that's a really damaging place to be in when it comes to having a conversation and communicating about your desires. That would be my first thing. My second thing is that I very much understand that your reservations about this have come and you have kids together. You guys have been together for a long time. Your reservations about this has come from a past relationship and that's a you problem. Like that's a you thing to work on. But I think you need to sit down and explain to your partner in terms of opening up

Starting point is 00:38:47 these communication channels again and repairing those communication channels, I think you need to slightly, and I'm not to say that he's not done anything wrong. If porn is a boundary in your relationship, that's totally fine. But I think it's okay to acknowledge that you went about that conversation the wrong way. And the reason why you went about it the wrong way is because you have this deep-seated insecurity from your past relationship. I think you need to give him that information so that he can better understand and be empathetic towards you. Because right now, he's probably thinking like that was a fucking crazy reaction to me answering a question which was framed as a question not as like a ultimatum also in a situation that I thought was okay yeah

Starting point is 00:39:25 in a space that I thought was safe now I think it's really important to have a very open conversation as to how you both feel about porn and whether it is a boundary for you to have because some people are okay with it some people are like I would have no issue as well if Matt was to watch porn obviously there's some types of porn i would have a massive issue with but in general essential porn i don't care about right so long as it doesn't affect our relationship and so long as it's not something that is like a regular everyday occurrence i would be questioning why he needed to outsource it so much but if it's a a one-off situation that for me is fine that doesn't mean it's fine for you and it doesn't mean it's fine for him which is why having open conversations

Starting point is 00:40:05 about this is so important to figure out what do you need and what are your boundaries around it And I guess it's kind of taking this whole situation back to the drawing board and sitting down and having another very open conversation about it, because that's how you're going to work through this. Because the thing is, he didn't do anything wrong. If anything, I think this is a mismatch in communicating. Question number three. I went ahead and booked a holiday during Cyber Monday sales.

Starting point is 00:40:31 I only need one day of unpaid leave to be approved from my job, I'm a teacher, in order to go. however I didn't wait for the leave to be approved before booking for reference people take unpaid leave for holidays all the time at my work I have only ever taken one day off other than sick leave throughout my six years of teaching at this school my boss has rejected my leave and told me to cancel my holiday or fly home halfway through for this one day of work it's a professional development day and there are no kids that will even be there apparently I can't attend via zoom just because she doesn't want me to and I have to be there in person in order to reconnect with

Starting point is 00:41:11 everyone. I don't know what to do. I love my job and I don't want to have my bosses think badly of me but I'll lose over $1,200 to book new flights home and my holiday will be shortened by five days. What should I do? Oh my god that's so ridiculous. What a shit boss. Although unless it was during like just say it was an exclusion period because it depends on what you do right? okay you're a school teacher but for retail there's like blackout periods of when you can and can't take your holiday so was this training day like an exclusion period is it the expectation that no one's taking a holiday because if it is it's a bit ballsy to then book something and be like grant my leave nah i don't think so at all i think the boss has just been a dick like it

Starting point is 00:41:53 sounds like you can 100 attend by zoom but she just said no she doesn't want you to you probably don't need to quote unquote reconnect i think this is just really shit i think i i mean i don't want to be the bad news but i don't think your boss likes you very much like if you've only taken one day off in six years and they're saying no she would rather you lose five days or twelve hundred dollars than join this meeting by zoom there's not even any kids there i don't know i don't feel this this might go against what is morally right but i would have a sick day that day they they can't do anything about it i mean they can because if they find out you're overseas you can't know because the thing is is like you can't abuse that because then you get a warning

Starting point is 00:42:37 right so if you're employed of course we can say like take a sick day don't care about it like fuck your boss fuck the system but realistically if you do go and do that after your leave has been denied you can then get put on a warning or be given your first official warning if you're sick it's a sick day they can't say you're not and i'm not saying this is the right thing to do But if that was me, I would say I was sick because I just think that's really unfair. You, in six years, haven't taken one of these days off when everyone else does and it's $1,200 or no holiday at all. Okay.

Starting point is 00:43:10 I have a few questions which are not answered by the question that was asked. Yeah. How much time notice are you giving? How much time notice? And I know you say you've never asked for time off, but when you're a school teacher, most school teachers don't really ask for time off because they have school holidays. they have so many holidays and that they're expected to take their breaks during those school holidays that's kind of an expectation so I guess asking for leave during a time when you

Starting point is 00:43:35 knew that you were expected to be at work and there was a training day which you're now going to miss in their eyes and I'm saying this as an employer it's the assumption it's the going ahead and doing like asking for forgiveness not asking for permission that can sometimes sit really poorly with a boss and so I don't want to go just straight down the track of being like your boss is an asshole and they don't like you. I think the thing is, is that it sets a precedent then that everybody else who probably hasn't had holidays either, because when you're a school teacher, you don't, or hasn't taken leave, that they're all entitled to take it whenever they want and they don't have to ask for permission. I think it sets like a bad precedent. I guess my

Starting point is 00:44:10 thing would be to have a conversation with your boss. Maybe they're not aware that you have not taken leave in six years. Maybe they're not aware, and they should be, but when you are a principal and you're dealing with loads of staff maybe you're just physically not aware of the commitment that all your staff are making so if you sit down and hey like hey i want to have a meeting about this go down and responsibly kind of explain the things that you've done the things that you've committed to and also the why around when you booked this that it wasn't something that was like premeditated you weren't trying to trick the system and you would never do that again without asking permission i just think taking your root brit and being like i'm not having a sick day

Starting point is 00:44:48 that shit's just going to backfire for you in the long run it's going to create such bad culture in your work environment look of course go back to your boss and try and do the right thing of course you're going to have that conversation you're going to beg plead borrow reiterate all those things yeah reiterate all those things that you just said Laura absolutely like I'm not going to say just go chuck in the towel and lie blatantly to them but it's tricky right like you know it's probably not a valid reason like you feel like you don't need to be there that day in person when you know that there are no kids there it's a professional day for you and your colleagues which I mean I'm assuming you're very professional at your job because from what you've said you

Starting point is 00:45:28 don't even take time off you don't take days off you love your job I'm assuming you're very good at your job so yes absolutely have that conversation it is tricky I do think it is unfair of your boss to not give you that one day's like that one day leave a little bit of leeway because i think that's really important in keeping happy staff totally but i mean when you say it's unfair i guess like it's a very tricky one because giving i guess for us to give the advice of like well just take matters into if you don't get the response you want from your boss take matters into your own hand and do it yourself like call in sick fuck that i think it can put you in a really bad situation with your employment and if you really do a love your job and care about your

Starting point is 00:46:08 job and you don't want to get put on a warning system which is what will happen if you are denied leave then you throw a sickie and they know that you're actually overseas you're going to end up with an instant warning and so you know only two warnings and you can be fired from your job that you potentially love over a holiday is that what teaching is two warnings well that's what most full-time employment is is that yeah i mean it's two written warnings and then you can be up for being fired these things are fireable reasons right like if you abuse the system if you're not actually sick and you're chucking sickies and you get caught out for it which any boss like any sort of inquiry into why did you fire someone oh they asked for leave i denied the leave because it

Starting point is 00:46:47 wasn't within the terms of when leave can be taken they threw a sickie and they were overseas like that's grounds for firing someone okay well i'm not giving people advice to lose their job so don't lose you don't lose your job if if that's the case like your options here you've got two options you speak to your boss and you beg and she says no then you cancel which is so disappointing like we're not I'm not devaluing how disappointing that would be to have to do or you don't do that and you attempt to throw a sickie and deal with any consequences but like I don't know what other options you have they're your two options so I guess the thing though is like if you don't end up taking this holiday because you're denied the ability to and then you lose out on a non-refundable

Starting point is 00:47:26 amount of money it's got a lot of money too 200 bucks huge it's also going to build a real resentment in you for your workplace it's going to build a real resentment in you for your boss that they haven't been able to be flexible to you when you give so much. And so you will start keeping score. You will start doing tit for tat in your workplace, which is a really unhealthy place to be in as well. And I think the best, for me, what I would say would be the best course of action is to write down all the reasons as to why you feel in this occasion, you are deserving of taking the extra day off. All the things that you have contributed to over the years, all the extra hours. I'm sure you do sports day. I'm sure you do after hours activities as school teachers.

Starting point is 00:48:04 you always do the teachers are so giving with their time so what does that look like for you and then create a case and go and take that to the principal and be like these are the reasons why i'm sorry it's an inconvenience but like i'm truly asking for this one exception and i'll ensure that this never happens again and i also think just reiterate that you didn't have the intention of uh tricking them of tricking them or booking behind their back reiterate that you obviously made a mistake and assumed incorrectly but you didn't think that this day would be something you couldn't attend via zoom you're not trying to get out of it completely you just assumed that because there are no kids there and it is something that you can

Starting point is 00:48:44 pop on into online that it you know it wouldn't be a problem so you made that assumption and because it was a last minute booking on the sale day you didn't have time to reach out and officially go through the channels of asking for your but i mean it's really tricky because you 100% are going to walk away from this with so much resentment if they don't let you go. But I think the last thing to keep in mind is, is like, I don't want to jump instantly to the offense of being like, oh, your boss is an asshole because maybe your boss isn't an asshole. Maybe they're dealing with lots of people who have asked to have that day off. Maybe you're one of 20 people from the school who's asked to have that day off already. And so they're like, I physically can't

Starting point is 00:49:19 say yes to you because then I had to say yes to X, Y, and Z. And so like, it's the instant expectation that you're being robbed in this situation when actually you didn't follow the rules like I think is the only thing I would kind of keep in mind the other thing to consider is and I'm not saying that that's what this is and we don't know you haven't given us that proper information is that like there are I mean in my field we called them CPD which is when I say my field sorry back in the hospital continued professional development and they are a set list of criteria that you do need to meet to continue working in your field I'm assuming there is a level of those for teaching I think most disciplines probably have something very

Starting point is 00:49:58 similar and it's a checklist you have to have said you've done x amount or you've made your points you have to be ticked off signed off so this could be one of those things I'm not sure and if that is a reason why you have to be there like maybe there's a reason that you that you have to be there I mean I'm assuming you've done this for six years and you probably know what this day is but I guess there's a level of giving your boss the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely think they're doing the right thing. And I know it's easy for us to be like, oh, your boss is in a hole. Maybe they are, but maybe they're actually not and they're doing their own checklist of things. So I think back to what we said, go back to them with your complete list of like why this

Starting point is 00:50:37 is so important to you, how you can make it work, like go with the solution. If there's things you can pick up on another day to make up for it, or that you absolutely will zoom in and contribute just as much, you know, exactly like COVID times, we've all been there before. We've all lived in this online life and plead your case and shy of that i'm not sure what else you can really do but if you show why you're a valued employee and then you also go with the solution that's a great place to start so instead of just asking you've gone with how to solve the problem totally and also one it makes it harder for them to say no and two if it is a no they can give you the reason why and then that will give you more context that you don't feel so shitty about it i think but like

Starting point is 00:51:15 i mean i know that so many people would have dealt with this in different ways in which they've asked for leave from their work, their work said no, and then how do you go about it? Especially when you've booked it. Totally, which is kind of like the shitty part. Like it's terrible to have booked a holiday before asking your work if you can take the holiday when you're supposed to be there. So that would kind of be, I mean, I never want to take the side

Starting point is 00:51:34 of that it's always the employer's fault because I don't think that every workplace is like trying to, you know, they're not all trying to get you out. They're not all trying to be awful people, but they also have businesses to run as well. But let us know what happens with that one. If you get this day off because of what you went and pleaded them, we need to know.

Starting point is 00:51:48 anyway guys that is it from us all done and dusted and we just wanted to say again a very very merry christmas to you all merry christmas we hope you have the most incredible time with people that you love the most eat lots of food drink lots of drinks and we're so grateful for another year done and another year of this community and we can't wait to see you again in 2025 four yeah well okay well i'll see you in 2024 laura's taking a year off apparently i'll see you in 2028 we'll see you soon guys all right you know the drill day mom day dad day dog day your friends and come back in 2024 and share the love because we love love

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Don't Tell Your Partner You Weren't Attracted to Them

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