Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Emotional cheating, rough sex and some Instagram gaslighting

Episode Date: January 8, 2020

ASK UNCUT is our quick, down and dirty bonus ep where we answer your burning questions about life, love, lust and a whole lot of other stuff. What would you do if you found cheating texts in your boyfriends phone....the dirty deflecting son of a b****. How do you tell your boyfriend of 6 months you don't like rough sex? Why won't he post you on Instagram? If you have a juicy question for us slide into our DM's @lifeuncutpodcastn and share the love, because we love LOVE!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Guys, welcome to our very first standalone episode of Ask Uncut. If you've been tuning in, you'll know we usually do an Ask Gun Cut in every episode, but you write so many questions to us. So we were like, why not put it in its own episode every Thursday? We get so many questions from you guys, and it is such an honour and a privilege that you trust us to answer some of your deepest, darkest, dirtiest questions. And I'm going to talk like this. Oh, yeah.

Guys, I'm Laura. This is Brittany. In case you have no idea who we are, hey! If you're just tuning in, you'll work our voices out pretty soon. Hopefully they're not too annoying. Yours is. Nah, you're just kidding. But this is probably our favorite segment.

Personally, it's my favorite segment. I love answering these and I love reading the stuff that you guys are going through because it makes me feel like, cool, I'm human too because I'm also going through that. That is exactly how I feel about it. I love that combined we all are going through such diverse, different challenges in our lives. And you know what? Britt and I bring to you a whole lot of life experience. Maybe we can help you to not make some of the dumb decisions we have.

And you know what's so funny? You know how in the episode a few days ago, I told you my story about this guy wanting to sit on the face. You mean Tuesday's episode, our very first one back, Brittney? Yeah, the first episode back. If you haven't listened, guys, listen. I tell this stupid story about this guy that asked me to sit on his face. But the response from that, so many girls wrote in saying stuff like that happens to

them all the time that guys are saying this stuff to them so they're out there to be fair i think i have also said it to a guy before so does that then make me a fuck girl i am dying right now what you walk up to a guy and say let me sit on your face no i don't just do it arbitrarily to like anyone your face is so red right now you're blushing no but when do you say that i'm genuinely curious would you have said that to someone a guy on a first date because that's what he did to me like straight up. So I want to know, did you, were you that guy, but a girl? I've been wild in my former life. Maybe I did. I don't know. I don't remember off the top of my head. I'm sure I said something totally inappropriate like that to a guy before.

But was it successful? Well, I think the end game was successful. I think it was a successful night. It was not a successful relationship, but also. Well, I actually, I do want to make this point because the way I told my story was how disappointed I was that he said this. there is a time and a place for it for sure and there will be times when you're like that's what you all you want you're like yes let's do it and that is so fine my problem with what he said was it wasn't in context it didn't suit the situation it didn't match what he had been saying at all so that was where i was a bit like oh i just thought you were epic and you're not totally well it also

isn't congruent with what you want in your life like you are looking and for a relationship if one presents itself with a guy who you really like right everyone wants sex let's not let's be real like everyone wants to have sex this just when you met him you weren't thinking this is a guy who I want to just have sex with you met this guy and you were like oh I could date him I think maybe I would like him and then he made it very clear that that wasn't what was his agenda so there was a mismatch exactly and yes I think that if I have ever behaved in a way that's been way too overt it's because my agenda has not been to have a boyfriend my agenda on that occasion has been part of tam which is so fun you go get it girl let's get into i'm so old and boring now

none of this stuff applies to my life well can we can we please get into the questions yeah i just i just really wanted to say to you guys what we were trying to say is we love hearing that this shit happens to you too it's so relatable and we froth it we laugh so hard we really do and honestly like like i said it's such a privilege to be able to give you our advice and as unqualified as it might be i hope that we can come at these questions in the most even-handed and unjudgmental way for you because sometimes there are things that you can't ask your girlfriends but you can always ask us and we want you to feel like you're talking to friends so i'm going to ask you a question now laura and answer it like it's your friend all right girlfriend come at me what

would you define as cheating? I found messages in my partner's phone to another girl saying things like, I miss talking to you and I feel like you're my soulmate, et cetera, et cetera. He said he used to work with her and that he swears nothing ever happened between them. And he also said that I'm overreacting, but it's making me feel uneasy. Am I overreacting or is this cheating? And are my feelings warranted? This is cheating. He has cheated on you. Not only has he cheated on you, but he is completely undermining you and your feelings by saying that you're overreacting. And he's trying to gaslight and divert and take the heat and the energy of himself and of the things that he's done and trying to put that back on you. Girlfriend, this is cheating.

100% emotional cheating, which I think emotional cheating can be worse. Britt, who's to say that this is just emotional cheating? Because if I was this girl and I was in this situation which do you know what i actually have been in a very very similar situation to this with an ex-boyfriend of mine me too and um and he he was texting a girl and he said nothing ever happened but he lied about the text in the first place by doing it behind my back then he lied by saying nothing physical ever happened because it had very few men are going to call a girl their soulmate if nothing has ever actually happened. And he's robbing you of the relationship that you deserve. You should be with someone who is telling you that you're their soulmate and that

they love you and that they want to speak to you all the time, not be giving you 50% of their energy because they're funneling the other 50% into some other girl who they used to work with. This is absolutely cheating. Textbook. An alarm bell for me, like something that jumps out is where she says he's he straight away said i'm overreacting and he's making her feel bad and that is so classic cliche um deflection deflection that's the word i was looking for thank you yeah i'm here to answer your questions babe and um i have been in that position where my partner was cheating and he made me feel guilty and i would always i would ask him exactly this and i would walk away from it feeling bad and wanting to apologize because he was so good at putting it

back onto me and he this guy's putting it back onto her you are absolutely not overreacting and personally if my partner came to me and said last night britney i hooked up with someone i was really drunk it meant nothing i never want to see her again i have no feelings for her that would be better to me than him coming to me saying i need to tell you that i have this emotional connection to this girl and um i think she's like my soulmate even if that's a friend and I miss her when I don't talk to her that's worse to me like tell me you've just fucked up one night and that you are sorry and you'll never do it again rather than giving your heart and your soul and your feelings and your thoughts to a woman that's worse you need to deal with this

whatever that is if that's leaving him if that's sorting through it but definitely don't feel bad and you are not overreacting you're not overreacting he's also downplaying it massively so instead of his reaction being a bit of self-reflection and going you know what I have screwed up I shouldn't have done that I love you and I and I'm going to end this and never speak to her again and actually putting some steps in place to correct his behavior he's chosen to tell you that it's not a big deal well it is a big deal and if he thinks it's not a big deal he's probably going to do it again because if he genuinely thinks that you're overreacting you're never going to change his mind in this situation and you really deserve better so what

would you do laura let's like let's actually make this personal what would you do if you found a text like that in matt's phone obviously we know matt would never do it but would you just want to really talk through it a lot or would you want to be like giving each other space and then wanting to go back and deal with it would you be angry or what what's the process i would be completely blindsided completely blindsided because Matt and I have a very open policy with our phone and our open policy came about because I had a lot of insecurities because of a past relationship that I was in and Matt was always so open and was like I don't have anything to hide and I love you so here's my phone go for it right and it was the exact person that I needed because had he been

sensitive with his phone we probably wouldn't be together because I needed someone who I fully trusted it completely. So I would be blindsided by it. However, that's not to say that, you know, people don't do things that surprise you every day. And so if something ever did happen, I think, especially now that we have a child, it would really, really complicate the situation. But I would have to take some time out and maybe have no contact for a little while to really have some separation and figure out how I felt about it. But then it would also require him to man up and and have a proper apology and have a real explanation and sit down with me and talk through everything because it sounds like in this situation she's being robbed of the of the

the conversation and the explanation and and how did you get to that point in the first place that's what I would expect but if I wasn't getting that then I think especially if he was saying that somebody else was his soulmate I ouch I want to be with someone and I'm their soulmate I don't want somebody to be in love with someone else that's not the relationship I want so I think I would if it never got better I would leave well there you go then I think I think sometimes you really do need to put it into how you would feel so I think to this girl listening have the conversation with him obviously but if he is not going to step up to the plate like Laura just said and he's going to keep making you feel bad for this and putting on you and he just doesn't own it well

Well, then you're absolutely wasting your time and it could be spent better off. So many more fish in the sea who are going to put you up on that pedestal and make you feel like the amazing, beautiful angel, incredible woman that you are and that you deserve to be made to feel. Also, this is not the first time we've had this style of question. So it's scary that this happens more than we like to think. Yep. And we agree on this.

Love it when we agree. I do too. Okay. So question number two is my partner never puts pictures of me on his Instagram. Sorry, I need to get a bit closer to this computer to read this. Okay. My partner never puts pictures of me on his Instagram, but he puts them up of himself and his friends.

It sounds stupid, but I'm getting really upset by this. Is he embarrassed of me and trying to keep me a secret? Or am I being an insecure knob by getting upset by this? We've been together for seven months now. I get that it's just Instagram and it's just photos, but for some reason it's really eating me up. Brittany. Hugh, I love that you said knob.

I love that word. Is she an insecure knob? You are absolutely not an insecure knob. This is a funny one. A lot of people might think this sounds silly because it is Instagram, but Instagram, it's an extension of us now, isn't it? Absolutely. It doesn't sound silly at all. Instagram is such a huge part of how we express our lives. It's the highlight reel of our lives. And there is a huge percentage of the population who uses it and who share their life and their experiences on there. It's, it's massively fundamental to how we communicate in the modern age. And so I don't think you need to downplay it by saying, oh, it's silly. It's just Instagram. I guess the question is also, there's two sides to this. Is he an Instagrammer?

Like, like does he Instagram a lot? Because there are a lot of people that don't really use it once in a blue moon. If they're not putting you on, if they're not even putting themselves on, that's fine. Yeah. If he's not engaged on a social media platform, then you know what? It would kind of almost be weird for him to be like you got a girlfriend now yeah you're like all right pipe down chachi yeah you're really eager but so you can't expect that of him if he doesn't use instagram of course this guy he is apparently putting selfies up and himself traveling in his friends so i think that that's a bit of a sign he's obviously trying to appear single or maybe he's not as sold in this relationship as you i think he is or as sold as you are but if you've

been together for seven months that is a really considered amount of time where you you know you know, the person you've made steps towards it being a committed relationship. You're saying it's your boyfriend. Maybe you've met his family. Maybe you've met his friends. If you are already a core part of his life, but he has chosen and made the very active decision not to share anything about you on social media, then I really do think that there is a little bit of deception that's at play here. And maybe he wants to appear single and that's not cool. So to put this into like real life context. This exact thing happened to one of my really good friends recently. She was with this guy, she's Australian and he is, is Italian, but was living in England. They

met in England and long story short, he, it was serious enough, the relationship that he was moving to Australia. They were doing this big travel trip for three months before he moved here and he, and I looked on his Instagram too. He never put a picture of her up ever. Not maybe one group photo where they're like six people um but he was constantly putting selfies up like he would be with her in italy and he would take a selfie of himself and she's just like off to the side and he would post that and wouldn't put her in and it got to the point where she said at the start i felt a bit silly for for thinking this was crazy but then she finally asked him about it and they ended up having a huge fight and he finally admitted that he wasn't ready to appear like he

was taken well she was like what the fuck you're moving to Australia for me like you are taken totally and that's like that's this level of deception so what you want to appear single because you're hoping that something better comes along yeah the grass is always greener syndrome and so I don't think that you're being silly and and look you don't need to go to him and be like why won't you put me on your Instagram like that's not necessarily going to be the outcome that you want because maybe that will sound a little bit crazy yeah just take his phone take a selfie and upload it. Also crazy. I think you can go to him and say, you know, how do you feel about this? Is this something that we could do? And then get his gauge, his response to that, because maybe

he just didn't think you were ready to do it. Or maybe like, let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He might not be a bad person. He might not try and be deceiving anyone. He might actually just not think that you're there yet. And he might not want to seem eager. And if you're ready and you want to share your relationship on social media be like look I just I want to put this up there because I'm proud of you and I'm proud that I'm dating you I think it's really cool I hope that you're proud of me and that you're proud that you're dating me and I would like to share this with the world how you what you think about that pal yeah and see what he says like my girlfriend ended up breaking up with this guy if it does come to the point where he says like I just

do really I'm not ready to appear that way then he's not ready to be with you so see you later bloody gator once again and i think i say this all the time plenty more fish in the sea don't try and push the outcome that you want on someone if they're not ready to meet you halfway don't go 70 all right well once again we've agreed and that is a beautiful outcome britney give me question number three okay this is a biggie my boyfriend really likes rough sex and i mean rough pushing around slapping choking spanking at the start i didn't mind because i really liked him but now that we've been seeing each other for six months i don't like it to be honest and i would rather not do it but i feel like there isn't a lot of emotion and love involved anymore how do i say

this to him i feel like if i tell him i don't want to do it anymore he's going to leave me wow i know that last sentence i feel like if i don't do what he wants he's going to leave me that's oh i also feel upset by the first part of that where she said that she didn't mind the rough sex at the start because she really liked him so the way I kind of perceive that is like she was okay with bending what she feels comfortable with because she wanted for him to like her back and does that mean that she was always uncomfortable with the rough sex in which case that's a really it's a really shitty situation to be in six months down the track I think it's actually really common I think at the start of a relationship when you meet someone

and you really like them you probably want to do things that make them happy and you don't really think about the repercussions or what that's going to mean down the track. I know I have done things before that I probably haven't felt comfortable doing or haven't sat that well with me at the beginning because I've just been infatuated, you know, and you want to just please them and you think that that will change and I'll just do it for now. And I do completely understand that, that there is, that that's a difficult conversation to have, but it's a conversation that really, really needs to be had because if you're not comfortable, it's never going to get better that that stuff only really progresses more so I think usually the sex only gets rougher

it doesn't get more gentle like Laura said you have this conversation have the tough chat and if he still does make you feel like if you don't step up to the plate he's going to leave well then that's a blessing because you can't be with somebody that's not going to meet you halfway and compromise and take your feelings into account sex is something that's so fundamental in a relationship and it builds your relationship, it creates trust, it creates love. But if you're coming out of every sexual situation with him feeling uncomfortable or feeling like your boundaries have been crossed, you really need to have a conversation with your partner and tell him how you feel. And if he loves you and your relationship is something that he values as much

as you value, I don't think that he would feel comfortable having sex in a way that doesn't make you comfortable. The other thing that triggers me on this and makes me feel a little bit sad is that she has said i just feel like there is no emotion and love involved and i think there is a time and a place for rough emotionless sex and there is a time and a place where you need to have love and that connection and it's and it's love making not fucking i don't like you know excuse my french but it sounds like there is there's it's only one it's one dimensional it's one track here and that's just and there's no love in it she's not even feeling any love and that makes, breaks my heart. Sometimes rough sex is great. Sometimes it is. I for one think rough

sex is great when I'm also being satisfied in a really loving and nurturing way. Also, like I don't want to just be having rough sex that I want to be having the full spectrum of what that looks like in a romantic way. And so maybe there is a compromise here. It doesn't mean that you have to go completely to missionary, which is also fine if you're doing that, but starfish on your side, It doesn't mean that you have to go full other spectrum and it doesn't mean that he doesn't get to do any of the things that excite him, but there has to be this common and mutual respect where neither of your boundaries are being crossed. And there does have to be times where you're having sexual experiences with your partner that are just about your enjoyment

and your fulfillment and you feeling like you're being emotionally and lovingly fulfilled. So I would suggest having a conversation with him saying that you understand that this is this gets him off and that this is important to him but also have a conversation about what gets you off and what's important to you yep and I mean the actual question is how do I say this to him it's just honesty you actually say I really want to talk to you about something and I I'm embarrassed to say and I don't know how to say it but it's important to me and I think that's what you say you'd be true because it's an uncomfortable conversation and you might feel embarrassed but honesty just tell him and you do it with your clothes on so I always think not the doing it

part the conversation not the sex part I always think that any conversation around sex is better had when you're not having sex so don't try and have these conversations when things are in the mood or when you're kind of progressing towards that I think you kind of have to be like hey babe I just wanted to chat to you about something and it doesn't have to be as heavy and as dark as, as like a really intense conversation. You can just say, you know, I don't, I'm not really loving this and I would really, really like it if you would try this for me. Yeah. Bring a suggestion to the table. And maybe, maybe he will, you know, man up and he's, he'll be none the wiser. Maybe he thinks you love it. Maybe he thinks that this is what you want and that he will be surprised.

even feel like that right and if it was the type of sex yeah that you guys have been having since day dot he probably thinks you're super into it so I reckon there is even a chance that he might be really surprised that you're not happy by that and he might even go oh like yeah I enjoy it but like I'm just as happy with this kind of sex too so I guess like it doesn't always have to be worst case there's always that intimidating part before you have a conversation it seems really hard and you feel sick and like you don't want to do it yeah but then as soon as you start having it if it's someone who loves you and you love them and they respect you that the outcome is only going to be positive from this and you're going to start getting the sex that you like as well

yeah well said thank you got me it took me a while to get there but i got there in the end yeah i hope and so will you girlfriend in multiple ways um guys that's going to be it for this episode today we hope that we're just down and dirty three questions i love this three questions but they were big, hard questions. So sometimes these questions are going to be smaller and a bit easier to cover and we'll probably hit out a few more. But I feel like these ones had some real nitty gritty in there.

They were definitely a bit on the heavy side. But you know what? They're all very relatable questions. Good picking, Brittany. Thank you. Thank you. And guys, thanks for writing in. Please, you will always be kept anonymous.

We will never, ever even remotely... Well, we don't even look at your name half the time because we don't want to know about you as a person like that. we don't want an insight into like what your dog's name is. We just want to know the nitty gritty stuff that's happening and we can help give our advice. And when I pick a question, Laura doesn't even know who the person is that writes the question. No, I don't. Share your questions with us, no matter how big, how silly, how embarrassing. And we will pick some more questions next week and we will get to answering them to the best of our ability. And it is

absolutely a safe space. There is no judgment here. Zero judgment. We've all made terrible decisions in life so don't you worry girlfriend i'll tell you some stories or two i'm looking forward to it guys do remember that we have had a little change up and we will now be releasing the big meaty episode every tuesday and then love a big meaty episode you love just big meat oh stop it britney that was too far okay well then also every thursday is now going to be ask uncut so please remember that every tuesday and every thursday coming to you hot if you did love this what do they have to do laura they can leave a review they can tell their friends you could hit five stars uh you could tell your dog you could subscribe yes you could tell the guy that you saw

on the bus actually probably don't tell a guy i don't think there's many male listeners i actually think there are we've had some males right in are there yeah sure i'm down for that i am down i'm open like i'm taking everyone would you know what actually come on into this space guys males could probably learn a lot from listening to this on how to treat a woman and like how to woo them amen to that yeah actually tell all the guys tell all the men on the bus is what i'm saying here but guys if you have loved listening to this episode please share the love because we love love We'll be right back.