Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Flowers, Foreplay and Fertility Bills

Episode Date: April 12, 2026

Welcome back to ask uncut where we unpack your deep and burning questions. A question came up in our Facebook Discussion Group about a partner who plays soccer 4 nights per week with a baby and a pregnant partner at home. We unpack whether the prioritisation of exercise is a common ‘issue’ in relationships and whether it’s ‘fair’. Vibes for the week: Britt - Amanda Knox Hosts | DOUBT: The Case of Lucy Letby  Keeshia - Pivot podcast  Laura - Love on the Spectrum Season 4 on Netflix  HE LOVE BOMBED ME AND NOW I MISS THE FAKE VERSION OF HIM I’ve been in a relationship for 7 months now. It started like a movie. He texted constantly, planned elaborate dates, told me I was the one within weeks and even introduced me to his family after a month. I felt more seen than I ever had in my life. Six months in and he's a completely different person now. He’s often distant, distracted and puts in almost zero effort. I know what love bombing is and I know logically that the first version of him wasn't real. But I genuinely miss that version so much that I'm staying in the relationship hoping that one day it might get back to that phase. Do you think it’s worth sticking around and waiting for him to put more effort in and prioritise me like he used to or is this just a normal part of a relationship that turns into a long term relationship? I’ve never dated anyone for more than a few months.  CAN RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE WITHOUT ROMANCE?I’ve been with my partner now for just over two years. From the start we’ve always talked about marriage and aiming for a long term relationship. We’ve recently moved in together & most aspects are going so well. We’re best friends, have great sex & share the same opinions about big life things. My question is, can a relationship survive without romance? Something I’ve always found difficult & confusing to understand is our lack of romance outside of the bedroom. We’ve had many conversations about it & still nothing has changed. My partner doesn’t buy me flowers, organise dates, plan trips away, write me letters, etc. These have always been initiated by me. It's something I recognised early on in the relationship but I ignored it and brushed it off at first, thinking it would automatically improve. But I’m now beginning to feel lonely, neglected and resentful of our relationship. My frustration is growing given I have communicated my desires many times and nothing has changed. Do you think my expectations are too high to desire these things? Given it’s my first relationship I’m struggling to understand whether I’m expecting too much IS PORN RUINING HIS DESIRE FOR ME?Married for 4 years. My husband & l have an 8 year age gap, l’m in my early 30s & he is in his late 30s. We have no kids yet, currently 5 months pregnant. My husband is a good guy in some areas however l feel we have mismatched libidos which is causing a problem in our relationship. I tend to want sex more than he does. I sometimes try to initiate sex when l feel like it, however most of the time he turns me down which leaves me feeling like shit and rejected. This tends to make things awkward as l really get into my head about it. We seem to only have sex when he feels like it. I don’t want to use a toy on my own as l get intense guilt from using a toy (I’m from a Christian background). l don’t mind when using it with him. I have tried to talk to him in the past however he says he will fix it but nothing has changed. Recently while l was helping him with something on his phone l found a private browser that was locked and in the browser he had porn websites open. I deleted the browser and didn’t ask him as l didn’t want him to feel like l was snooping around in his phone. This has been bothering me ever since, l have multiple questions in my head and l just don't have the answers to. A few days after l checked again and saw he had the porn browser open again which makes me think that he probably watches porn often. I’m going mad with all these questions in my head. Does he prefer to watch porn than having sex with me? Is he a porn addict? How do l handle this? He doesn’t take feedback well at all; he gets defensive and feels like it’s an attack. We usually have sex once every week to a fortnight. Or maybe l’m just wanting too much. I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT SPLITTING IVF COSTSAfter a few unsuccessful rounds of ovulation induction, I am going to be progressing to IVF. The fertility treatment is needed because of my PCOS. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and own a unit together. My partner earns about $15k more than me atm and is currently paying off our car but I have more in savings. I feel like it is fair for me to pay the IVF costs given it is my issue that requires it and I am in the fortunate position that I can afford to pay the whole amount. However, my mum is adamant that this should be a shared cost. My partner is extremely generous and I’m sure would not bat an eyelid about splitting it but I just feel uncomfortable about it. Is this an expression of my guilt that I’m robbing him of the joy of trying for a baby naturally? You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Hosted by Britt Hockley & Laura Byrne Hosted by Britt Hockley & Keeshia Pettit  Produced by Keeshia Pettit Video Produced by Vanessa Beckford & Lachy Pugsley Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! XxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer all of your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. Here we are. I'm just giggling because Keisha looks amazing today. That's not the funny part, but I was like, Keisha dressed really chic today. You look very Parisian. I'm vibing it. I love it. I'm trying something new. You're trying something new again. But I'm wondering if it's because yesterday you came in and Laura said you look like a librarian. Yeah. I love that every day you channel a new theme and I'm all about it because the only theme I channel is I want to go back to bed or I'm like chaotic mum who doesn't want to put a bra on. Like they're my two themes.

I do have a couple of different ones. Maybe I'm just working out my style. I love that. But you You also don't need – your style can be chaotic. So chaotic. No. Your style can be anything. Like I feel like I'm the same. Sometimes I'll just wear active wear. Sometimes I'll be really chic in dress.

And sometimes I'm like, what is that? I think it's cool. I think not knowing who you are is in cute. The identity crisis. Guys, I say it as a full compliment. I wish I had time. I wish I had the capacity and the mental space to get up in the morning and be like what cute outfit will I put on today instead I'm like what's clean and not on the floor

to be fair we all kind of look Parisian today like we're all doing like spots and stripes and that wasn't we've all been watching love story that's true yeah all right well look I wanted to kick this off because I saw something in our discussion group on Facebook if you're not in there it's laugh and cut discussion group and it was a question around how much time per week is it acceptable for your partner to spend doing hobbies now I thought that this was thoroughly interesting. It kicked off in the comments. The reason for this is because I think it is dependent on different phases of life. Hear me out. I spoke to Matt about this because he is one who does like to go to the gym quite a bit, which can be sometimes a little bit frustrating when you

have multiple children. Read the actual question. I am. Okay. I am. I'm curious to know what you think is an acceptable amount of time to spend on hobbies per week. For context, I am 38 weeks pregnant with a three-year-old toddler and my partner plays soccer four times a week after work. He always comes home for dinner and will put our toddler to bed most nights. Then he leaves to play at 7 p.m., not coming home until around 10 p.m. I love that he has a hobby and sport that he actually really loves to do, and I really want to be supportive of that, but I'm starting to feel quite lonely at nighttime. I haven't brought this up with him because I don't want to be crushing the only thing

that seems to bring him joy. I think I'm also a little envious, as I don't have the energy to do anything for myself after 7 p.m., being so heavily pregnant. is it normal to be out four nights a week am i just being a little bit hormonal that could also be the case she's also got a little note in here she wrote i truly believe he is out playing soccer and absolutely no suspicion of anything else because some people in the comments were like are you sure he's playing soccer i have no doubt the guy's playing soccer but that is no that is not normal and that is absolutely cooked your partner cannot go to work all day and then go

and play three hours a night four nights a week football my partner's a professional football and doesn't play football that much like the math ain't mathin that's not okay what about like going to the gym because the thing is is I think sometimes personal hobbies especially when they're fitness related become the justifiable excuse to be out of the house and it is sometimes a tricky thing to navigate and fit your schedules around okay well you know me asking you to not go for that run is not me being unreasonable, but I need more help and you are just absently always fucking exercising because it's good for your mental health, which I agree it is.

Something's not right. I mean this in the nicest way possible. He's not playing football four nights a week to play football four nights a week. He's doing it because he doesn't want to be at home right now. And I say that because no one plays football four nights a week. If you're in a team, like you're not a professional, so you go in a train for an hour or so and you're playing a match

once a week or on a weekend, four nights a weekend is a lot. And I have no problem at all with people that want to go and do exercise and have hobbies. I think it's brilliant and everybody should exercise and have a hobby, but you also need to take into consideration your partner and your lifestyle and your kids. If you really need to exercise that much, make it one hour instead of three to four hours or make it from six to 7am if you want to go for a run or go to the gym, but like four nights a week. And I'm a very relaxed person.

I don't have kids and I already know how cooked that is. I said the same thing when Matt and I were talking about this I was like the thing I have an issue with is that you can do sport four nights a week I don't care like that's fine so long as you're not in a relationship with someone who has a three-year-old baby and they're also heavily pregnant and probably need help and like you know need assistance want their partner to be around I was like different phases of life require different things of you and so if you're in your 20s you're single and you want to play soccer for three hours a night four nights a week that's totally fine go for gold you got no responsibilities but when you have responsibilities there has to be

some sort of conversation I guess around that whereas in his mind he's like but I came home I put the kids to bed and then I left like then I went and played soccer like I actually do think that that is an important thing to bring up is that totally it's not like he's completely abandoning you to do everything yourself I feel very much the same as you guys this actually causes so much anger in me in my own relationship and it's not because he goes and plays soccer it's about the prioritization where he acts as though like my partner acts as though doing exercise every day is as much of a priority as like feeding the dog walking the dog me doing work and it brings me to a point of frustration where I'm like it's just simply not like he will

prioritize that over other things and it really frustrates me and it's it's just like a difference in perspective of what is actually important but I think I mean to play devil's advocate for this guy at least he is putting the kids to bed but like you're gonna be lonely if you're left for four nights a week by yourself for that amount of time I think that it's just excessive I think it's good that it's a team thing he's obviously bonding with friends and that kind of thing it's just too much I think what you said though Keish like I actually do think for some people it's a necessity to do it but it's the length of time you could go and exercise for one hour like Matt and I don't want to keep on bringing him and my husband, but he is that example. Like he has to

exercise pretty much five times a week. And when I say exercise, I mean like he'll go to the gym three times and maybe go for a run, but he wakes up super early and does his run before the kids wake up. He goes to the gym before four 30 during his work day so that he's home. So it doesn't impact me at all. Like he needs to do that because otherwise his mental health spirals and that's what keeps him feeling good and accountable. That's fine. But work it into the time where it doesn't affect everything that we share in our relationship you know or your parenting or everything else so but I would also love to know what your setup is in terms of who is looking after your three-year-old during the day for example do they go to a daycare are you a stay

at home mom how does that work because if you are on your own with your child all day and your partner's at work and then he just comes home to put them to bed and then goes out again you're going to build resentment so quickly four nights a week if you do the math that's more than 50% of the week he is not with you actively choosing to and it's not an hour what's going to happen in three weeks time when you have a baby or two weeks I think you said you were 38 weeks pregnant or something what has a baby by now well then what happens is he's still like I mean I hope I can tell you what's going to happen he's not going to football four nights a week anymore but I don't want anyone to get I mean I feel like I'm really fired up and I sort of am but I am so encouraging

of fitness and extracurricular activities and also having your own time as you know in a relationship I'm a big advocate for that I think it's really important that you can still live two separate lives in some way or have something for yourself so you can come back to the relationship and feel like you've done these different things and you have different things to talk about and experiences and but there's different chapters of life that require different things and in this chapter of you with a toddler giving birth and having a newborn this is a chapter where he needs to give a little bit and just be there for you and so maybe the conversation you need to have is if he's telling you it's normal it's I don't actually think it is I think his level of after school

activities is a lot it's a bit excessive but I think you just need to say like I'm always been supportive of you but I'm feeling really lonely really not cared for or not seen or whatever And I'm 38 weeks pregnant. I need you to get me glasses of fucking water so I don't have to get up off the couch. Dude, I need you to rub my feet. We're in this together. God damn it. Yeah.

All the other three nights a week, you go out for 3L. Well, that's the thing. She can't, right? You can't. Take yourself to the movie. When I was 38 weeks pregnant with Poppy, I couldn't even get off the lounge without help. I would have been stuck there for 3L. Matt had to lift me up off the couch and we waddled to bed together.

I was so... What a beautiful image. well 40 weeks yeah 38 weeks pregnant for your third pregnancy when you're almost 40 is a bit more fucked than the other versions of it put it that way it's just that this is just a chapter of life that he's got to give a little bit and it will come back but you're going to build resentment so quickly if you just get left at home in the chaos and who knows what's going to happen with your hormones and postpartum depression or what's going to happen for you in the next couple of months like you need your husband there so you need to tell him to fucking rein it in oh well

guys i felt the same so i'm glad we unpacked that or follow him to football make sure he's actually going put a tracker in his car we do not endorse that you're gonna start being the orange lady frozen oranges and then you can turn up and maybe he'll stop playing more work for her no because maybe she'll stop playing he'll be like fuck my wife's coming again with the oranges it's because he's going to soccer to get away from her then she's come to soccer anyway he's like god you ruined it for me all right well look if you haven't joined the laughing cut discussion group get in there you can ask your ass gun cuts in there as well or of course you can send them to anyway let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes my vibe this week is a podcast now i've vibed this

kind of thing a few times over the years lucy letby you'll remember she's the uk woman who is she's been convicted of being the biggest female serial killer in uk history she's the nurse that was convicted for killing babies basically in the hospital instead of looking after them well there's a podcast by amanda knox now amanda knox was the woman that was convicted in italy for the murder of her roommate and I don't know if you guys have followed that case we've spoken about it before I think it was a maybe it was a vibe a documentary that was on it it's really fascinating it's fascinating well Amanda I would love to interview her actually I find her really fascinating but she has moved on in her life now and she's married and with kids but she has a

podcast called doubt and she looks at cases like Lucy Letby so it's the case this is the episode than I'm recommending and she goes through it when there's any speculation she goes through it and looks at it with this view of the court of public opinion and how much of the case may or may not have been skewed like her case was because of public opinion yeah because importantly her case was overturned and she was then found innocent yes of that murder and there's quite a lot of people and I you know not that anyone cares I think personally Lucy Letby has done it but there are a lot of people that think that she hasn't and the evidence actually shouldn't have convicted her for the crimes that they have. There's apparently room for reasonable doubt. And

that's where Amanda comes in and she tries to do it in a non-biased way. She's just presenting the information, but I guess she's doing it as somebody that has experience of living that. She went to prison for something like seven years before it was overturned. For a crime, she just didn't commit. And so I just found it really, really interesting if anybody is interested in any of those cases or crime, but Amanda Knox actually has a lot of different podcasts if you were interested in her at all. But this one is called Doubt, Amanda Knox. right kish what's your recommendation mine is also a podcast and i was thinking about this this morning and i was like i can't believe i have not spoken about this podcast as a recommendation

because it is arguably my most listened to podcast it's called pivot it is a podcast with my favorite professor scott galloway and also cara swisher so last week i spoke about or maybe the week before i spoke about the murdoch docuseries that is on netflix at the moment And Cara was a contributor to that. So she's just so fucking cool. I just love her. She's a journalist. This podcast, they have two episodes a week and they talk about everything to do with

tech, business and politics. It's particularly tech and politics and the overlap of those two. So I find out a lot about what's going on, particularly in America. This is not a non-biased podcast. They are definitely left-leaning, particularly Cara. She is quite progressive. and I just love the way that they talk about things because they will make a lot of jokes and it's quite entertaining

but then they'll have facts put into there that makes me feel as though I'm like really up on what's going on around the world and it doesn't feel too heavy even though a lot of the stuff that they're talking about is very heavy and she is really opinionated and I love it. Like she'll just be like, fuck that guy. That guy's a maniac. I wish we could be like that.

And then she'll talk about, you know, what's going on in Congress or what's happening with, you know, current things that are going on in the political sphere in the U.S. But I just, I love the way that she presents information. I just enjoy the podcast so much. So it's called Pivot. It is by the Vox Media Podcast Network and they release two episodes a week.

I love it. All right, well, look, my recommendation is something that is very, it's just sugary and wonderful and is going to make you feel so good and wholesome after Married at First Sight. If you need another reality TV love show to watch, it is Love on the Spectrum, the U.S. version, and it's season four.

it is my favorite show i am obsessed the u.s does it better they do it they just they've got bigger spends bigger money bigger dates it's just a great it's so endearing it is so wholesome and i think the thing that i love the most about it it's not just like watching these relationships unfold it's the relationships that the participants have with their families like it's seeing how incredible these parents are and how incredibly supportive these parents are and this like longing that their parents have for them to have just the typical experiences that someone in their twenties would have falling in love, kissing someone for the first time, like all of these things that their parents have always wished for them and how much they want it for themselves.

And so watching and like being on the journey of them navigating love is just the fucking most wholesome, beautiful thing. And there's this new participant in this season. His name's Logan. i am obsessed with him i adore him he is just he's so clever and he's so smart and he's so articulate in different ways in the way that he communicates i love that you stumbled on articulate it's like there's no better word for you to have some but he's also incredibly literal right like his autism has made him very very literal so for example his like introduction scene is him opening the door and the producer says oh like hey logo like what are you doing and he goes i'm opening a door as he opens the door to let the producer in but he also continuously gets his producer's

name incorrect and I just find it so like it's so funny how they break this fourth wall his producer's name is Kieran every so often the producers chime in and this one thing that he seems to do every single episode is like Kieran will ask a question he'll go well Scott that's very interesting and you hear this my name's Kieran and it just happens all the time I fucking love it it's the love stories are really really sweet there's so many of them this season and that's also following ex-participants who found love on previous seasons and where they're at in their relationships now and you cannot go wrong with love on the spectrum in any country any season we've interviewed a few people from the series in the past michael mr a plus he's you

guys might know him he was from one of the og australian love on the spectrums we've interviewed him here on the podcast i've been on his podcast and we've had him on radio he's just been incredible to watch and he is numbed for a logie last year dude he's fucking when he came on our podcast years ago we were like what's the dream what do you want to do and he was like I want to voice act and I also want to act and I was really like go get on Michael like go get them but you don't you hear people say that they want to act all the time right and we all know how hard it is next minute the guy's killing it in these series overseas he's nominated for logies 2025 like Logie nominee yeah it's amazing I think he won as an actor nominee too like and hats off to him I

get goosebumps thinking about it but it's just the most wholesome show I love that well I also remember a really long time ago oh gosh it must have been 2021 I think you guys interviewed Cassandra and Jodie Jodie was one of the experts that was one of the OG interview days well look like I said it's season four it's on Netflix at the moment it's in the top 10 watch series it's just the easiest most wonderful thing to watch so if you want something that's not going to make you feel anything except amazing. Go and watch it. Question number one. He love bombed me and now I miss the fake version. We've all been there. I've been in a relationship for seven months now. It started like a movie.

He texted constantly, planned elaborate dates, told me I was the one within weeks and even introduced me to his family after a month. I felt more seen than I ever had in my entire life. Six months in and he's a completely different person now. He's often distant, distracted, puts in zero effort. I know what love bombing is and I know logically that the first version of him wasn't real but I genuinely miss that version so much that I'm staying in the relationship hoping that one day it might get back to that phase. Do you think it's worth sticking around and waiting for him to put in more effort, prioritize me like he used to or is this just a normal part of relationships when you turn into a long-term thing? I've never dated anyone more than a few

months so I'm unsure it's not normal and it won't go back to where it was like it's relatively normal to an extent I think it depends on how severe the shift has been like true love bombing where it is you feel and you are made to feel like you are the epicenter of their universe like you are the most incredible person that they have ever come across of course it makes you feel good of course you're gonna miss that it is like a fucking cocaine addiction it's incredible it is literally the most addictive version of love that you can have the problem is is like that's not him and that's not sustainable like if you know and you have recognized that he was love bombing you and now he is a totally different version to what that was you are never going to get that back you might

break up and he might do it again you might revisit it but that's the cycle of love bombing that's the whole problem with it is that it's not something that can have consistency or continuity or any stability I think firstly what I want to say is is I understand why you miss it and I think that those feelings are so normal and the reason why people stay in relationships is because they're doing exactly what you are doing right now they are staying because they are chasing something that they experienced early on that truly felt magical but it is not real and it is not there and the sooner that you recognize that if truly that is what's going on here and get out of this relationship, then I think the better you will be in the long run. It's going to hurt because you

always kind of hold this hope. You hold this hope that like they're going to be able to turn it back on. But when true love bombing is involved, it's very different to just the normal, I guess, decline in like the intensity of effort that can sometimes happen. The problem is, is you've only been together for seven months. You should not have had that much of a dramatic switch in the intensity of his effort as what you've experienced. It's normal for a relationship to be different after a certain length of time. Years. Well, no, any long-term relationship or any relationship that feels comfortable and stable, whether that's six months, a year or 10 years, they will change. It will never stay the same. It will always evolve. And you are never going to

send the same amount of messages and the same kinds of messages as frequently with the same kind of content as you would a year in at the start and i say that because like you know even we make jokes all the time laurie like i haven't sent matt a nude in years if i sent matt a mushy message he'd you know he'd be like what's wrong with you and totally but there's a difference between that and zero effort of course it changes like that even now with myself and ben and long distance there'd be certain mess if i sent ben a nude now three and a half years in he'd still be like fuck yeah hot but we don't have the same relationship now via text and messages and levels of effort that we did at the start I still feel the love and desire and want

but it looks different and I think the thing that you need to realize is if he's that distant and distracted and puts in zero effort they're the three things you said and you said should I stick around waiting for him to put in more effort and prioritize me I don't think he's ever going to I think that usually you fade and you settle into the relationship but you settle into where you're comfortable and who you both are and sometimes you need to sit down and have that conversation and say, I don't feel prioritized or I would like us to reconnect, that's normal as well. And I think it's really important to have that. So you do need to sit down and say to him, I miss what we used to be. Like, I don't feel like we've got much connection

anymore or whatever it is you feel like you're lacking. But if you're waiting for somebody to go back to what they were at the start, it very rarely, relationships very rarely come full circle and the love and wanting connection and desire can come full circle, but it's always still going to look different and if you think like fuck when you meet someone the start of a relationship is some of the best times that you'll have like the butterflies you get and the excitement and how much you want to be in each other's world and orbit because you're learning about each other and you're obsessed about each other that's such a beautiful time but it does evolve into something slightly different he just looks like he's not showing up and can't be fucked I think the thing

though to keep in mind is yes it evolves it doesn't decay that's different right like so it evolves you get comfortable maybe you're not the level of intensity of that like oh my god are they going to text and they're not going to text like oh they've taken me to this fancy place whatever it is like that intensity dulls down but the relationship doesn't decay the effort doesn't decay you're saying he's distracted he's distant and he puts in zero effort that's all you need to know about this situation I would say like you know that what he did was love bombing and you know that what he's doing now is he's almost disinterested in putting in effort because he doesn't need to because the relationship's secured in his mind. My worry for you is the second you

bring this up, the second you, and I don't mean as in bring it up and then therefore he's working on it, but the second you bring it up and there's some sort of volatility to the relationship and you say like, I'm not happy, I don't want to be in this relationship, whatever it is, he's going to love bomb you again. If he does that and you decide to stay and then the same cycle happens, you know that you're in a cycle pattern. Like really keep your eyes on what happens here because the thing is is you might get that back for a moment and then you get that rush and you're like oh my god see you see this glimpse of the person that he was six or seven months ago and then that fills you with like the reassurance that you should stay but the problem

is if it happens again which it will it always does is that you're going to be back to the same point where you're like okay he has the ability to do this but for no prolonged period of time and that's the issue with love bombing is like like I said it makes you feel amazing and then it makes you feel horrific when it stops and then it happens again so you feel amazing again and then you get into the cycle of the highs and lows and that's literally the dynamic of a toxic relationship i also do want to be careful i'm just like rereading this a couple of times and thinking about it i want to be careful the way we as a society throw around the word love bomb i'm not convinced that's even what he's done the more i read it it just sounds like he was

dating you in a really healthy way he texted constantly at the start he planned great elaborate dates. He told me I was the one and introduced me to his family. But that's also signs of just a normal, healthy relationship of two adults that have met, enjoy each other, are committing and showing up for each other. Sometimes I think love bombing, maybe you feel more love bombed now because the difference is so drastic six months later. So maybe you're like, oh, that was all a lie and love bomb, but maybe it's just changed and who he is now set into relationship isn't who you want to be. But I do want to be careful with the way we do throw around some of these therapy words a little bit because by all accounts

it does just sound like a really wholesome nice way that you met so I'm not convinced I think the reason why she's saying love bomb is because of the dramatic change like I actually think if anything when the more I read it the more I'm like yeah you did get love bombed the fact that she's written here he told me that I was the one within weeks that to me it can be a sign and the thing that is the differentiator here which is why I think she knows even though she's only dated you know for a few months at a time or had relationships that haven't surpassed a few months the reason why she knows is because it's switched off that is your identifier of what love bombing is yes you can have movie-like relationships that feel incredible like you know I feel lucky enough

that that has been my relationship with Matt but at no point did he switch off he didn't hit the three-month mark and then just totally change in terms of becoming distance retracting not putting an effort like that is the definition of what classifies this behavior as love bombing because it's so over the top at the start which is amazing and then it just goes and you're left feeling like where the fuck is that person I dated for three months where are they like what have I done like is this who they are and I think that that's what she's feeling now yeah absolutely I think this is who he is he's six months in he's settled into the relationship this is who he is but I told like ben and i knew were the one for each other within a month like we're obsessed with each other and i

think that is also okay i do wonder how old you guys are age does play into this i think because if you're a little bit older and you've lived a little bit you definitely know what you want quicker and you show up to relationships a little bit differently like that's a blanket statement not everyone there's plenty of older immature dickheads but when you said you haven't dated a lot of people for a long time if you guys are a little bit younger it might be a different story I would love to know how old you are but I know what you're saying Britt in terms of your experience but I think the thing that is very different about your relationship with Ben is that it didn't change like it hasn't changed in terms of like your affection and adoration for each other the

amount of effort that you both put in to enable you to sustain the relationship you have you have both had to put in an enormous amount of effort you fly to see each other anytime you can she is saying he puts in no effort I don't think that the experiences that you have shared are comparable where she is at a place where she's feeling as though there's zero effort no and we're not arguing that point I think he has put in no effort and this is who he is that's not the point I'm arguing I'm just saying I think we be careful with the word love bombing what you have described for me and it's okay if we feel differently this we're just so not used to what a normal healthy relationship can be at the start it is texting and communicating all the time it is going on

really nice dates, it is introducing yourself to friends and family. If you're older, it is saying straight up, hey, I see a future with you. If that is accompanied with a lot of other toxic behavior, then yes, it's love bombing. Maybe this was, only you know what else accompanied it, but I just want to be careful with always throwing these terms around. What I would say to you is, if you love him and see a future with him, don't stay around because you hope that the potential will come back to who he was at the start. That is the key takeaway for me here is let someone show you who they are, but that doesn't mean you turn away and walk away now. It means you sit down and talk to him and you're really honest with saying what you feel he's missing, why you feel it's missing,

try to understand why he's not showing up anymore. And once you've had that conversation, if nothing changes, I'd say get out of the relationship because you're only seven months in. I say only, you're only six to seven months in to someone that you say is not turning up, isn't there in his like brain he's distant all the time you don't want that for the rest of your life if anything you're still in the first year like it's too soon to have taken such a drastic turn 100 i mean i feel pretty strongly about it but i think ultimately like i agree with that point all right well next question i've been with my partner now for just over two years from the start we've always talked about marriage and aiming for a long-term relationship we've

recently moved in together and most aspects are going so well we're best friends have great sex and share the same opinions about big life things. My question is, can a relationship survive without romance? Something I've always found difficult and confusing to understand is our lack of romance outside of the bedroom. We've had many conversations about it and still nothing has changed. My partner doesn't buy me flowers. He doesn't organize dates. He doesn't plan trips away. He doesn't write me letters. These have always been initiated by me. It's something I recognized early on in our relationship, but I ignored it and I brushed it off at first, thinking it would automatically improve. But now I'm beginning to feel lonely, neglected and resentful in our

relationship. My frustration is growing given I have communicated my desires many times and nothing has changed. Do you think my expectations are too high to desire these things? Given it's my first relationship, I'm struggling to understand whether I'm just expecting too much. Thank you in advance. Can a relationship survive without romance? It depends on what you define romance to be. I mean, yeah, a relationship absolutely can survive without romance if romance doesn't matter to you. If something matters to you, it matters to you. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Loads of people I know, long-term relationships, short-term relationships, a lot of people don't need that kind of a thing. They don't need, and when I say

that kind of a thing, you've said things like flowers and things like that. If it's important to you, then you're not going to want to stay with somebody that's not showing up with the things that are important to you and we can have very high expectations like if you're saying you want flowers every single week for the rest of your life like someone might think that's great personally I'm like do you really need that if everything else in your relationship is wonderful but you obviously need it sometimes it's your love language or it's what you need to feel wanted there has to be some level of him showing up but there are loads of people that I know that are not romantic at all but they're great partners but have great relationships like I

would almost say Ben and I don't even have any romance at the moment which is hard because we don't live together but like when I think of what we're like together we just come home at the end of the day and I guess our romance looks different it's him cooking for me it's those moments on the lounge but wearing track pants on the lounge like six out of seven nights a week and it's not romantic but we're obsessed and the love and compassion is there so you know I don't know it's what's important to you I think it's a really this one is a tricky one to understand because on one hand I would say yeah of course you can have a relationship without those things like of course you can have a relationship with someone who doesn't buy you flowers or buy you gifts like

that's pretty low down I think in terms of like what is a priority for a stable relationship I would say gifts yes they make you feel good but they are pretty low down in terms of like an identifier of whether someone is a good partner or not however like on your birthday does he just never buy a gift never write a card does he like never initiate anything in terms of dates like I think be careful with the absoluteness of how you're describing this because maybe he actually doesn't maybe he does absolutely nothing and if that's the case yeah that's a problem like even as someone who is low effort I would say and I think I've been in low effort relationships when it comes to romance I still expect like a nice card on my birthday something written to me that

makes me feel like they've thought about it or you know if it's my birthday organized my one favorite restaurant. Do you know what I mean? Like there's always, there's always a panorama, Sean's panorama in Mumbai, 5.30 booking, but that's the thing, right? There's always a base level of effort that everyone has. And so I think figuring out where is your level and what does that look like? You obviously have a mismatch in that, but does low level effort mean no effort? Is he doing no effort? That's what I think I would want to know. And that's what I would want to kind of like get to the bottom of. Some people buy lots of flowers and come home with little surprises and cute things great like you said brit that's that person's love language other people don't other

people are other people come home with stis so you should be lucky it could be worse you know other people's love language is like spending all of their quality time with you like are you the person that he defaults to wanting to do everything with because he loves spending time with you does he cook for you does he like you know make sure that the bins are out every day and does all like the cleaning in the house or like you know details your car because he wants to make sure that you know you feel as though you're appreciated in different ways sometimes I think we get a bit too hung up on specific things that we think are important but we don't look at the big picture of our relationship and you have said that he's amazing like you have an amazing sex life he's

your best friend he does all these other amazing things so I would focus on those and if he doesn't have the ability or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable writing letters or doing those sorts of like smaller romantic gestures I personally think that that is something I could overcome but I am not you yeah if they're showing up in every other capacity yeah and so if you feel as though that there's something that are absolutely critical and essential I would tell you to write out a list of pros and cons about your relationship and if that's the only con you have I would say you're in a pretty fucking good relationship I mean the specifics are doesn't buy me flowers doesn't organize dates doesn't plan trips away doesn't write me letters

I would say writing letters and planning the trips away for most couples are probably pretty normal not to do like I don't think most couples write each other letters and I would say see I think that is like a card like writing a nice card on a birthday no I don't think that's it I think she's a very romantic person and this is really how she feels wanted because you you wouldn't say write me letters cards I've never seen she's been watching Bridgerton I haven't written a letter to a boyfriend since I was about 18 years old like Matt wrote me a letter for my 40th birthday and I was like cute and then I just put in the cupboard like you know I'm not I'm not a letter person but I would love to know are you doing these things for him are you writing him

letters are you also doing the surprise date nights and planning trips are you buying I mean you want him to buy flowers are you showing up with surprises for him and I say that because there has to be a little bit of give and take so if you are showing up and doing those things and getting nothing back it's different if you're also doing nothing and you're like why aren't you doing anything so sometimes I think you've got to show somebody like a feeling show them the feeling that you want or how you want to be treated I'm not saying you should have to do that but at the end of the day it just comes back to the same thing we fucking always say it's like you just need to tell him and I know you've said you've told him and he's not showing up but

if you you've said you're starting again to feel resentment of the relationship resentment I think is one of the strongest feelings to get in a relationship and sometimes it's really hard to undo if you let it get too deep. So if you keep something to yourself to the point that you just fucking don't want to look at your partner because you resent them so much, it's almost getting into ick territory. It's hard to dig yourself out of. So don't let, I just think people need to not let themselves get so deep in that resentful hole that you can't get yourself out. So just sit there and you know what? Write him a letter and tell him how you feel. Write him the letter. Do you know what though? Some people are super creative and very romantic.

like I actually think of I think of one of my girlfriends who's been in a long-term relationship she doesn't have kids and I think that that gives her probably more time to spend on being creative in her relationship because like that is her core relationship but she's always telling me about how she's like written a little letter or did a scavenger hunt or like or baked something and I'm like who has the fucking time like poor I sometimes think about the things that she does for her husband and in their relationship and I'm like you are literally the dream you are the dream when it comes to this idea of romance and like spending time and making people feel special but she does that in all her relationships like she's the friend that's stiff yeah she's the friend who

will like paint you a picture for your birthday or like write a card that's just like she's so thoughtful and there's people who are like that right like it comes from within them like they really want to they just think about how they can do things for others that's going to like spark joy in their day you just made me laugh thinking that when we gave you your 40th birthday present we wrote you this really long card i wrote a fucking spiel and i saw i saw laura i don't even think i read it no she didn't she i wrote this really long heartfelt thing you open the car you said i'll do that later and then open the present and i was like she's never reading that card again i reckon this is like this feels very old school but i reckon it just sounds like

this person's love language is gifts they don't have to be like extravagant expensive gifts you just want little gifts and it sounds as though your partner has a different love language like do you know this feels very old school life uncut talking about love languages but I actually reckon that that is what your partner seems to be showing you love in different ways to what you actually feel love I don't think it's necessarily gifts in the way that we traditionally think about it like she's really encapsulated it in this idea of romance like letters she wants little actions they're like little pebble gifts yeah she wants it she wants like little actions letters she wants him to organize dates she wants effort she wants romantic effort she wants to feel

wanted bit of a crossover with acts of service maybe yeah she's covered all grounds she just wants more okay she wants more and she's not getting it but what i would say is is like it's impossible in life to find the absolute perfect partner we always have to make some compromises. Ben got pretty lucky. I wouldn't say Ben found it. You're an idiot. If this is a compromise that you are able to make because everything else in your relationship is perfect, I wouldn't die on this hill. I wouldn't be throwing a great relationship with someone who you have incredible sexual chemistry with, who takes great care of you, who you say is your best friend, who you laugh with all the time. I wouldn't throw him in the bin because he won't

write you a love letter like that's those two things don't correlate all right next question we're talking porn porny porn married for four years porn shops what porn shop that's a pork that's an animal no porn shops where you go and you porn your stuff and no we're not talking about that kind of porn we're talking about porn the real sexy stuff porn laura watches heaps of porn i love watching do you love porn do you watch porn when was the last time you watched porn It's fucking so long. If you're not logged in to Pornhub, you can't get on now. Can't you?

I'm going to try. Remember we talked about that? Yeah, but I thought by surely by now it's changed. Pornhub. Free porn videos. Whoa. An application is stopping Chrome from safely connecting to this site. Well, don't do it.

Probably because I'm on the work Wi-Fi. Oh, my God. Yeah, don't do that. I'm on SCA's Wi-Fi. Advance. Turn on enhanced protection. Yeah, you really can't access it all. No, Pornhub pulled the pin.

I know. I know. We talked about it. I just figured by now. She never believes me. I just figured by now it would be back. Is it because I said Easter is on? I figured by now.

It's been a few weeks. I figured they'd figure it out. Yeah, they came back after Lent. Do you not believe anything I say because I told you Easter is on the first weekend of April every year? Porn. Married for four years. My husband and I have an 80-year age gap. I'm in my early 30s.

He is in his late 30s. We have no kids. Currently five months pregnant, though. Now, my husband is a good guy in some areas. however i feel we have a mismatched libido which is causing a problem and disconnect in our relationship it doesn't make him a bad guy just FYI no i wonder what else it is the other areas i tend to want way more sex than he does i sometimes try to initiate sex when i feel like it however most of the time he turns me down which leaves me feeling pretty shit and rejected

this tends to make things awkward as i get really into my head about it we seem to only have sex when he feels like it. I don't want to use a toy on my own as I get intense guilt from using it. For reference, I'm from a Christian background. I've tried to talk to him about this in the past. However, he says he will fix it, but then nothing ever changes. Recently, while I was helping him with something on his phone, I found a private browser that was locked and in the browser, he had a porn website open. I deleted the browser and didn't ask him as I didn't want him to feel like I was snooping around in his phone. This has been bothering me ever since. I have multiple questions in my head and I just don't have the answers. A few days later, I checked again and I

saw that he had reopened the porn browser again, which makes me think he's probably watching it often. I'm going mad with all these questions in my head. Does he prefer to watch porn over having sex with me? Is he a porn addict? How do I handle this? He doesn't take feedback well at all. He gets very defensive and feels like it's an attack on him we usually have sex maybe once a week to once a fortnight am i wanting too much you need to have a conversation with him none of these questions can we answer properly he's not doing anything wrong by looking at porn but the fact that you feel as though he is dismissive of you and he's not wanting to be sexually intimate with you or you're feeling rejected like these are all things that you have to talk to him about i know

you said you already have but the fact that he is seeking out porn does probably mean that he's masturbating it could mean a lot of things could mean he's masturbating loads and therefore he has no sex drive because he's jacking off five times a day like we don't know we have no answers to these questions but you won't have answers to these questions unless you sit down and you have a really honest chat with him around the fact that you've seen that he has porn in his phone and it seems to be something that he's doing frequently because and you know what I get it you don't want him to feel as though you're snooping through his phone but also you're not going through his text messages you're not going through his emails you're looking at his internet

like you're not even looking at his history it's just a browser that he's got open on his phone like I would hope that you're in a secure enough marriage and you feel secure enough with your partner that you can speak to them about an open browser that he has left open multiple times in his phone and it's affecting your sex life. So I think sit down, have a conversation. If you can feel that he is getting defensive, maybe adjust the way in which you're bringing the conversation to the table. Like I'm not coming to you with accusations. I'm not angry at you. I just really want to understand because I'm left feeling a bit rejected because we have this mismatch in our libidos. Are you not wanting to have sex because you're, you know, self-servicing? I don't know

However you want to put it, however that comes out. Masturbating? Self-servicing. If you're going to the self-service checkout at Woolies, then that's okay. But really, I think you have to have the conversation. I've been in a relationship in the past where our sex life was affected for very different reasons. When I was in my 20s, my long-term relationship, he was and watched porn all the time. I didn't realize actually how bad it was until kind of like later in the relationship.

I don't want to say anyone's addicted to something because I don't know for certain, but it was like a wild amount of consumption of porn. And the reason why it affected our relationship wasn't because he wasn't having sex with me. It was because he was masturbating so much that it took him so long to come, firstly. And the way in which he would have sex was as though he was doing it and enacting the hardcore porn that he was watching. So he always wanted to have sex in a way that wasn't intimate. it was really, really rough. It was like very disrespectful to me. And it crossed a lot of my boundaries because he was trying to recreate what got him off. And that's because he watched so much of that stuff. So that was really quite a challenging thing for us to kind of talk about.

And to be honest, we never really overcame it. Like we were together for a long time, but we never got to a place where I felt like we resolved the issues in our sex life. And I do think that that's because he never resolved the issues and dependence he had on porn. which is why you have to talk about this, which is why you have to get to the bottom of this. Because if this is something that is impacting your relationship, it's not going to improve spontaneously without some intervention. Yeah. Porn can be a huge problem. I think we play it down a lot. Sure. There's nothing wrong with watching porn here and there, but overarchingly porn can be very addictive and can be very

interruptive of your relationship. Totally. Which it is in this case. And I don't need to know how much he watches it to know it's affecting you guys. You've gone back into his browser and he's watched it and you're not having sex you ask for sex he says no he lets you down you feel rejected but you know he's masturbating that's an issue in your relationship it doesn't matter if he's watching porn three times eight times ten times it's affecting the relationship because he's choosing to show up there on the internet alone at self-service checkout but he's not but he's not showing up for you and it's hard for either partner there are times in life in relationships and ages and hormones and whatever else where your libidos won't be matched

and they are going to change and you have to like talk through that and adapt and try and figure something out but that's what you guys are not doing you currently have a mismatched libido for whatever reason maybe it's the porn maybe there's more there's stress there's age pregnancy hormones there could be a lot going on it's irrelevant it's always going to happen but you need to be able to talk about it and the fact that he's just like throwing it back in your face and getting defensive, like it's an attack, you're married, having a conversation about intimacy, that's not an attack. That is a very normal thing that you should be able to have in your relationship. The fact, usually when somebody gets defensive straight up, they know it's because

they're doing something that they shouldn't do. They know that they're probably in the wrong. You know what they say, of your best offense is a defense. Yeah. And so like in a discussion, especially in relationships, when you bring something to the table and their immediate reaction is defense or defensiveness, then yeah, usually it's because they're on the back foot because they know, fuck, I've been caught out for something or I'm not showing up properly or I am doing something wrong and they don't want to hear about it. In playing devil's advocate here, it's not always because they've done something wrong. It's because they feel attacked. So it can also be based on the communication style that that

person, the other person's bringing to the table and how they communicate the grievance or the issue that they have, which is why I said kind of like check your communication style because we don't have the answers to either of those things right but if your partner instantly gets defensive with you it could be because they are a very defensive person and that's their issue it could also be because the way in which you approach a conversation is very judgmental accusatory like there's also two parts to a conversation and we both play a part in responsibility as to how that conversation evolves totally i just think for this one though i don't know he doesn't take feedback well yeah it's defensive like it's an attack so I do feel like she is probably coming at it pretty

well but like at the end of the day you're not happy with the relationship you're feeling rejected and unwanted and you are not having enough intimacy as you want I would just be trying to understand the why I think trying to understand why is really important in a relationship before you go and attack and say you're not showing up let's figure out why is it stress is it masturbation is it because he doesn't feel comfortable having sex with you while you're pregnant is he depressed is it yeah who knows but like the why I think is ground zero for these conversations I also feel as though and maybe this is a controversial thing to say please don't cancel me I think that our casualness and our acceptance of porn has probably swung too far I think we've become almost too okay

and liberated around porn and like don't get me wrong like sex work is real work I believe all those things I don't have an issue with it in totality but I do have an issue with a lot of like there is a really dark and addictive side to porn and it's almost like we've had to swing the pendulum to be like it's okay introduce it into your relationship but that also negates the circumstances when it really has a negative and horrible impact on people's mental health on their ability to shop in their relationships on their ability to get anything done because they spend all their time fucking in a dark den wanking you know like it really does have this like dark insidious side to it not to mention you know the people who are involved in it that

me like there's a lot there's so much to unpack here as to why it's not the sexual revolution as to which it's been heralded as and I think we have to be careful on one hand yes there is a very important conversation around de-stigmatizing porn but there's also a really important conversation around the dangers of it as well and so those two things can coexist and you're experiencing the absolutely fucked up version as to how it impacts your relationship I listened to a really interesting podcast by Dr Mike he's a big content creator actual medical doctor in the states about this recently about the reward circuitry and porn and how it is your dopamine system so much darker than what we kind of started to believe in the last few years you write about this liberation

and I think it's obviously going like coinciding with our use of internet and AI and all of these immediate satisfaction things it is genuinely creating synaptic plasticity in reward circuits in your brain and porn is a really really big one so that was why when the Pornhub ban came in a couple of weeks ago I was like this is actually probably not the worst thing to happen like 100% I think I actually think that there are a lot of people who struggle with this situation more than what we talk about 100% I wonder now I wonder where he's getting it so like you know you can still access Pornhub if you're already signed up to it it hasn't kicked you off you're already a member you only can't access it now if you weren't a member you can't be a new sign up that's what

it's done so but I think a lot of people wouldn't have signed up they would have just you know used it do most people have porn accounts or are they or are most people just like going on and googling and then being like you know I think that this would be a really massive problem in Australia we have the highest rates of gambling addiction in Australia we have the highest rates of addiction in other categories or you know we're up there across other countries in the world it wouldn't surprise me at all if we were like on par with porn addiction as well the only thing I want to say and it's why I said it's so important to understand the why in every situation is I know that you know he's watched porn and I know that you know you're not having as much sex but that

doesn't mean that that is just a direct correlation and there's nothing else going on like you might not not be having sex for a multitude of other reasons which is why you need to sit down and say hey is anything else going on because that's only one thing that you know to be true so just chat to him and ask how he's feeling ask if there's something you guys can do differently you can bring up the fact that you know he watches porn does this have anything to do with it like I don't feel very loved and wanted when I ask you to have sex and you say no but then I know you're watching porn you know like imagine if that was the opposite I also think it's a real issue when he is happy to turn you down but then expects it when he wants it as well and and I'm not saying

that like he's not pressuring you or anything but you said like it's all right when it's on his time but whenever I want it it's not okay that's just a normal conversation and I just think approach it exactly the way we've been talking about it so he doesn't obviously he's going to be on the back foot because he's defensive, like you said. And because he's going to feel like he got caught out on something. Totally. And a lot of people get embarrassed by porn. And you said a lot of these conversations, it gets really awkward afterwards. Like some people do have trouble talking about intimacy and sex and masturbation and what they want in relationships, even when they've been together for a really long time. Sometimes those conversations make

you feel a bit uncomfortable. And maybe you feel like that. You said that you've got a Christian background and you don't feel comfortable masturbating on your own. So maybe these conversations don't flow as easily necessarily between the two of you, but just figure out what's going on back at ground zero. And then as we always say, their response to the situation that you've brought, their response to the conversation is what speaks volumes, like their actions afterwards. If they're going to implement anything, are they going to have a conversation and be understanding? Do they want to understand you? Do they want to meet you halfway? Or is he just going to say no and keep doing what he's doing? And then that's going to be the telltale

sign. I mean, you're five months pregnant. You're not doing a runner because he's watching porn like you guys need to sort this out because that's the relationship that you're in right now all right last question looking for some advice re ivf costs now after a few unsuccessful rounds of ovulation induction i am going to be progressing to ivf the fertility treatment is needed because of my pcos my partner and i have been together for six years and own a unit together now my partner earns about fifteen thousand dollars more than me at the moment and is currently paying off our car, but I have more savings. I feel like it is fair for me to pay the IVF costs given it is my issue that requires it. And I am in the fortunate position that I can afford to pay

the whole amount. However, my mom is adamant that this should be a shared cost. My partner is extremely generous and I'm sure that he would not bat an eyelid about splitting it, but I just feel uncomfortable about it. Is this an expression of my guilt that I'm robbing him of the joy of trying for a baby naturally i would appreciate your thoughts oh i actually hate this one but your mom is right yeah your mom is right this is a shared cost this is not your issue i know that maybe i don't know what your circumstances are so maybe your issues with infertility are from you and not your partner's sperm or whatever else you're a team you do it together but you guys are unit like that is not you that's broken and that is not a you issue absolutely and obviously this

question has nothing to do with your partner because you said he's going to show up and he'd be happy to pay this seems to be something that you need to get your head around you guys are in this together it takes two to tango so I would go so far as to say do you have a joint account where you pay for different things I know that like you said he earns more which is probably even more indicative of why he should be showing up but this is just should be a shared cost like anything else and I know it's a really common feeling for women to say, I feel like I'm robbing my partner of something because I can't provide him with kids. So that's my guilt. That guilt is a really strong feeling that I know I feel. And I know so many women that have any issues with fertility feel

it because you think, oh my God, if I can't do this and that takes something away that's so important from him that he could have had with someone else, you can get into a really dangerous a cycle, but it's not. Everyone's bodies are different. Everyone's relationships and their journeys to motherhood are different. Maybe you have a journey that doesn't end in motherhood also, but that's not a you problem. That is something that you guys will face together. And I really want you to understand that and not feel like you need to take on the burden of everything because the burden you are going to feel mentally is enough anyway. You don't also need to feel it physically with the process and financially. Yeah. You're a team. And when it

comes to making a baby, it takes two people. And so like if one person... Sometimes three. Sometimes science. Sometimes science. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes it needs intervention. In your case, that's the case. Like the reality is, is if there's something that you've experienced in your life, like PCOS, that's left you with having challenges with your fertility, that's something that you guys tackle together because you love each other and you're both wanting to make a baby together. The only thing that I think is a bit interesting in how you frame this question is that you obviously still have very split finances and you still see your finances very individually, which is fine. Everyone approaches finances different in their relationships,

but I think you have to ask yourself the question of, is there parity in what you contribute financially? If for example, at the moment he's paying off the car. So, you know, you say he earns $15,000 more than you a year. That's not a huge amount more like, you know, $15,000 a year when he's paying off a car, it's going to come out in the wash at some point anyway. Right. So like, does that mean that you pay a bit more for the IVF treatment so that you're more on par? I don't know. That's a financial decision based on whatever it is that you guys feel comfortable that equates to parity in your relationship. But you certainly shouldn't be the one paying for this IVF because you feel like it's your sole responsibility out of guilt. If you choose to

pay for it because that financially makes sense in terms of the split of your finances, fine. But not because you feel responsible. They're two different things. No. And Ben from day one, Ben, he would just put half money in my account. He'd be like, this is both of our, you know, I don't want to say issue, it's the wrong word, but both of our mountain to climb. He's like, so, you know, we're going to share the costs. And then there have been other times where I've just paid more because I just haven't told him and that's on me. I'm like, oh, they ended up costing this much more for the extra drugs or whatever. But for me, I'm like, I'll just pay that, whatever, because some things come out in the wash. Finances is a whole nother

question the way that I think is best and the way that we do things is I think it is so so so so important to have your own money in a relationship as a man and a woman but particularly as a woman always have your own bank account if you can always keep something separate but I think relationships the best way to work is you have your separate accounts and separate lives that you can do what you want with like spending money but you also put the same amount in and maybe it's not the same identical amount maybe it's an amount you have figured out is relative to your incomes yeah percentage wise but you put it into a pot that's shared like if you're at the point where you yeah doesn't it well yeah if you're at the point where you're having kids

and mortgages and payments and house and bills it makes so much more sense to put it into however much you decide you put into one account and that's what you take the big bills from that's what i'd be doing with things like ivf that for me an ivf cost should be in a shared account pool that you have together to be fair i mean like when i think about having poppy and like who paid the majority for like the obstetrician all those sorts of things like definitely wasn't your health insurance no it wasn't my health insurance but Matt and I so we have we have a joint account which is like our offset account so everything that Matt earns goes into that account and he uses that account as his like everyday banking account like everything we have to buy for the

kids blah blah blah I lost my card to that account years ago and I am so fucking lazy that I never got a new one why is this so shocking I never got a new one so I was like I've never accessed my bank account again? I never did. I was like, I don't need it. So that account has all of our shared expenses that come from it. Like I can access it. I just don't have a card. So I have my own account where all of my salary and everything goes into it. And I spend like out of that for like all of my expenses. So Matt doesn't actually even know what my expenses are. I have visibility over everything he does. He has no visibility over anything I do. But I transfer all the rest of the money that I have into our offset account. So once I've paid

for my expenses. Everything else goes into the offset. So technically I was paying for all of our obstetrician things from my income, but ultimately all of our money is ours. So like, I don't hoard money. That's like, this is my money, but you know, I always have my safety net there if I ever needed it, because I also think that that's important. And at the end of the day, everything we share is a shared cost. So even if I've paid $5,000 more for something, it would have been money that would have gone into our joint account anyway. So it's really our money ultimately so I didn't feel as though I was paying for more in anything but I think that the take-home from this is you can pay more because of your finances you can't pay more

because of guilt and that should be the definer and also I'm robbing him of the joy of trying for a baby naturally guys you can still have great sex but like you could still be trying naturally while simultaneously knowing that you need to go down the medical route like it's okay and also to be fair a lot of people don't find the trying for a baby a joy like for a lot of people even if they do conceive naturally they're tracking ovulation it's yeah i actually think for a lot of people the baby making part of trying to have a baby loses the joy as soon as you start to concentrate on the fact that you're making a baby so don't feel as though you're begrudging him of an experience you guys are still in a sexual relationship together you're still having

intimacy and you ultimately want a baby together and you're trying for that like this is not your guilt to carry just that's what i want to drive home i also think it's like men won't get it but i've fucking done it four times what your body is going through every time you do one of these cycles is enough you're doing your part you are absolutely doing your part in the relationship so do not feel bad that he can come to the table with a bit of cash dollar you know with some Cash money, money. Cash, yeah. All right, guys.

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