Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Glass Houses, Falls From Grace and Google Calendars

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

Hey Lifers! Producer Keeshia is filling in for Britt today and she  would love your thoughts on whether or not saying "I love you" for the first time needs to be a special moment or not? We unpack the 'rules' of who can and can't be cancelled, why that is and whether there's a set of standards for some, and a different set for others. Vibes for this week:Keeshia: Ultraviolet queen screen SPF 50+ & podcast The Money Expert: "Do Not Buy A House!"... The 10 Ways To Make REAL Money! Ramit Sethi Laura: Dry brushing your body   Then we jump into your questions: My uncle who I love has written a self published book, which is amazing. The problem? I hate it and would say it’s potentially one of the worst books I have ever read. The female characters in particular are very one dimensional and are written as perfect wives or sex objects and nothing in between. He is over the moon and keeps pushing me to promote it in the many writing forums I am a member of. He has now asked me five times if I could write a review on a very public and prolific online book club to help promote it - what do I do? Can you tell someone if you don't like the present they got you? I met a guy on Hinge and to begin with things were really great. We 'made it official' at the 3 month mark, I'd met his friends etc. Not long after this he broke up with me via text while I was away for work. Fast forward to May, he apologised, said he knew what he did was wrong he still didn’t know why he did it but he wanted a second chance. We began spending time together, taking things very slow just dinners and a couple of dates. We start sleeping together again and he tells me how happy he is. He then goes on a work trip and has since ghosted me. What the hell happened! What should I do? I haven’t heard from him for 2 weeks. If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug, Wollongonger land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Keisha, filling in for Britt today. I just got into a death spiral on Instagram.

You know, when you just fall into what is a really funny thread on like the Explore page and then you just can't stop and then I had to share it with Keisha. So now you've lost me. I'm gone. I'm here in spirit. And we have been reading out your misheard song lyrics as well. It's been a really funny warm-up to recording this morning.

Yeah, except we're not using any of that on today's episode. That'll be happening on Tuesday. So how's that for a little bait and switch? Oh, my God. Okay, well, look, we do have Keisha here. filling in for Britt. Hi my love. Hello. How are you? So nice to be here. I know that you had something that you wanted to share. It was an update. Yeah I've got a relationship milestone update but I'm not actually sure whether I'm okay with it or happy about it. It kind of dates back

to remember when before I went to Europe with my I don't know if we still say new boyfriend Toblerone. How long have you been with Toblerone for now? What month is it? We're not counting. I think we started dating in April. Things happen quickly. One month European holiday. slid right in there. And you couldn't believe that we were going on an overseas holiday without uttering the three words. No, no, no. I could believe that you're going. I can't believe that you came home from a European holiday and hadn't said, I love you. Even if you didn't mean it just because you were drunk one night, you know, I couldn't believe that it didn't accidentally get said on the European holiday. So I have a relationship update for you. Something really

big has happened in our relationship and we've kind of committed to the next steps. Okay. It doesn't involve saying I love you. What little three words did you mutter to each other? No words were muttered in fact. I got a notification into my emails the other day. I feel like I need to explain why I keep calling him Toblerone and it's because he's asked me not to say his name on the podcast because he has a much more professional job than what we do. It's not because he's a big dark stick of chocolate. No it's because Brit nicknamed him that quite a while ago and it's kind of stuck but also I was a little bit offended when he was kind of like I don't want your job being connected to my work I was like are you ashamed of me yes he's like not

you just laugh on can't no but you guys talk about some pretty outrageous things and I was like name one and then he was like hey do you remember that article that was published by Laura said that she enjoys a pinky in the stinky he's like that's the person I don't want to be associated with fair totally fair so yeah look Toe Lorraine has a proper job yeah he's professional person he's a real job. Anywho, the email I got was, we are writing to you to let you know that, you know, my boyfriend has given you access to view events on the Google calendar called my boyfriend's work. After adding this calendar to your other calendars, you can hide or completely remove it whenever you want. Laura, I've got a joint Google calendar with my boyfriend. So he did mutter those three words

too. It was joint Google calendar. At least you know where he is at all times now. Well, I mean, according to the calendar I've got some idea and this actually kind of goes into how you a couple weeks ago you were explaining on the podcast that people think you're really forgetful oh I am I don't know if it's forgetful because I really relate to this I think it's that we're not paying attention to begin with Keisha is convinced I have undiagnosed ADD but she uh she's yeah look you're not the only one I'm definitely not the only one our inbox was flooded with people being like does Laura know that she has almost all symptoms in the DSM-5 and I'm like yes I have address this with her, but we'll get to that. She's not aware. She forgot. So basically,

Toblerone, we have got into numerous arguments lately because he's like, I told you that I was working or I told you that this is what was happening. He wants me to be a lot better at scheduling and planning things. And fundamentally it's not in my DNA. Were you like, yes. I mean, that's also worrying because you are our producer and you are literally in charge of booking all of the appointments that happen for this podcast, which might also be the reason why there's so many conflicting schedules at times but that's a whole other thing for us to figure out I just think it is the hallmark of someone who has such an a personality type that they will ask you to share a google calendar with them before that they will commit to saying I love you that's what I'm

getting from this it kind of got to the point where I was like have we just surpassed it can we just never say it because at the moment like do I have feelings of it yes do you want to say it a part of me does but also a massive part of me is like I want you to say it first and I think it's because he is very a type and I'm very not a type personality we say on this podcast all the time we thrive in chaos but we're also like pretty okay with me and this is me euphemizing it where we're okay with being flexible like we're okay with just changing plans pretty willy-nilly he's not okay with that and he's getting increasingly frustrated with me to the point that he's created at a fucking Google calendar that now I'm expected to put my things into.

That's really annoying though. I mean, like, look, I know calendars exist, but I like to keep everything in my head. Do you think there comes a point though now in your relationship where you just have to be the one to say it first? Or do you think the fact that you're so chaotic with your calendar is like, it's become the wedge as to why he's not able to say it yet? Because he's like, I think I love you, but you're too forgetful and you're too much chaos. So like, if you sort this one thing out, then we'll get there. maybe maybe it's kind of like I need you to reach this amount of personal growth before I commit we're talking about moving in together next year like we're we're so progressed down the line of

things that I would deem to be like a serious conversation but we seem to be missing a part and now it's almost out of stubbornness that I'm like well I'm not saying the first do you think you could move in with someone and live with someone who you haven't said I love you to yet previous to this relationship I would be like no there's no way you could do that but now I'm finding myself in all these situations like we have a fucking calendar that I'm meant to contribute all of my life into we went on a European holiday together many romantic settings and we have I think that this is just it for me now I think that like we're just not gonna say that I think that maybe in my head we've gotten to the point where I'm like we're so far down the line of other

like you know other certain milestones I guess you would say you know we've met the families now I'm like is there this pressure that this moment you know what gossip girl when Blair was like it has to be on top of the empire state building and you have to utter these three words and it was like no I haven't seen it but yeah I get the feeling the point is that I think in my head I'm like either you have to say it in like a nonchalant kind of just easy way or for me I'm like does it have to be this big moment now does it have to be this big almost like proposal like setting where it's like I'm confessing my love for you I mean to be fair I'm talking to the wrong person because the first time you said it with Matt was in front of an entire camera crew in

Thailand on a red carpet yeah no no on a magic carpet wasn't the red carpet true but like look I'm pretty bad to be honest like I would often just say it because it was in the moment and not actually mean it then the next day be like fuck I shouldn't have said that that was a bit too soon it's always been said too prematurely yes always except for Matt Matt I was like stubborn I was like I'm not gonna say I love you until you're not dating 24 other women so when it finally got down to the final two and it was just me then I was like okay you win I'll say it now but were you one of the people who was like I'm falling in love with you yeah I said the falling it's protective I get it means the same thing like let's be real falling in love in love like they're

actually the same things but in bachelor world it's a step before the I love you it's like you're getting there but you're not quite there it's kind of like you're wearing a life jacket of like in case you don't say it back to me i can just be like well i was falling but i'm not anymore it's exactly that it is i was falling but i'm wearing a bungee cord and i am fine and i got pulled back up and i didn't hit the ground so you can eat your own shit matthew johnson that's what i wore i wore it as a protective armor i'm interested to know though like this whole kind of does it need to be an event does it need to be something that you remember in your relationship like let's say this is you know my person that I spend hypothetically the rest of my life with do you

need to look back and be like that was a really special moment in our relationship or can it just be when you're doing the dishes like you know what are the rules around it also how long is like I know that we've spoken about this before in the past like how long is kind of the normal time frame between when people say I love you you know like like how much time usually passes or how much time have you spent together because I know for some people it's within the first couple of weeks and then for some people it takes them a year to say it or even longer and I think the longer you leave it it almost becomes a bigger deal the longer that the time passes yeah absolutely it becomes that there's so much more pressure on it for it to be a thing because you're thinking

about it yeah you know but when you're together and you're doing nice things and you're all being romantic and cute is it not like right on the tip of your tongue sometimes then you're like fucking don't say it if I had a couple drinks I'll love you honey just I know you know what you do that's when you say it and then the next day you pretend like you don't remember and then they'll say hey do you remember what you said last night definitely have walked that dance before I was just looking at you like the reason you're saying this is because of how many times anyway look we are here to answer your questions on today's episode but I'm not going to do that just yet I'm just going to keep you waiting a little bit longer we have some good questions but there's

something I wanted to talk about before we get into that now if you've been on the internet in the past seven days. If your feet also haven't touched grass. Yeah, if you've just looked at a phone or had a conversation with a friend who likes pop culture, you have probably seen that Lizzo is in a little bit of a pickle at the moment. She's in a bit of strife.

Now, Lizzo, who I would have said is pretty untouchable and I fucking love Lizzo, genuinely. I love her music. I have loved following along her astronomic rise to success and I have loved so many of the things that she has stood for and stands for in her music and in the messaging, I guess, that she has created. So much around body positivity, around even just the way in which she loves herself and has really set the bar for her

conversations around like, she's like, I'm fat and I love myself. She really changed the narrative on confidence, didn't she? 100%. And people look at it, some people look at it and think it's like an arrogance almost. But I think we give so much allowance to skinny people to, they're allowed to love themselves. You're allowed to love yourself if you like have a six pack. But for her being someone who is a bigger woman who truly loves the way they look, I think she's really set a new bar within the world of pop culture and being a celebrity. Now, this is where things get a bit tricky. So not tricky, really quite problematic. In the last week, if you missed it, there's been allegations that have been raised against Lizzo from three of her former dancers. So three dancers

who have been on her tour have accused her of some pretty, as umbrella terms, I'm going to say serious crimes. One of them is creating a hostile working environment. Another one is of sexual harassment. She's been accused of fat shaming her own dancers. And she's also been accused of not just her, but it's her, the company that she works with, which is the big touring company, her management, which is part of her company, an extension of her, have also been accused of religious harassment in the workplace. Now, overarchingly, these sound like really, really serious allegations. And I think when I first read the headlines, I was like, whoa, okay. And then I did a little bit more digging into what actually happened. I was like,

okay, what is the allegation? And I guess the problem with things like a headline of sexual harassment is how much it can encompass. Sexual harassment can encompass anything from someone saying something flirtatious right up to touching. Like the scope of what constitutes sexual harassment is so vast, but the word itself is so damning. And I think that that's a really important thing to point out. I completely agree. And I think the umbrella terms are where things can get a bit murky, particularly certain things that I read almost compared this situation to the Me Too movement. And I was like, wow, that's pretty serious. To begin with, that was a criminal case where he's serving jail time for crimes that he committed. Whereas in this particular case,

it's a civil suit and I also think that it can be very this word is so overused it can be very problematic to kind of lump it all in together because when a word is used like sexual harassment or religious harassment my mind automatically goes to something pretty severe it goes to the worst case scenario doesn't it well it just goes to what has been reported on previously and like I think of situations like you know Kanye West and all of this anti-semitic kind of thing and then I think of things as severe as the Me Too movement and I'm like oh oh this is really full on and I guess with the whole Lizzo situation the biggest thing that I think really existed for a lot of people was this contradiction of what they thought she stood for versus what people are

claiming she is actually like. I think the big thing I mean I don't want to get too deep down in the trenches on Lizzo specifically at the moment it is allegations Lizzo's come out and she has like very strongly denied any truth to it. She has doubled down hard and said that it is so outrageous that these allegations have been raised against her. But now what's being reported on this week, and I guess the update that I wanted to talk about, is that it's been pretty widely reported that in the last week, Lizzo has had 200,000 people unfollow her on Instagram. Now Lizzo has like 13 million plus followers. So 200,000 is truly just like a pee in a pool. It's not going to make a big difference to her. But it does raise questions around what it means to be cancelled.

And are there any celebrities who are above being cancelled? I think I would have thought that there were celebrities who were above being cancelled, that they are so big, that they are so powerful, that they are so loved, that the impact that they have made and their status that they have in media and also in their careers would mean that they are above being cancelled. Do I think that Lizzo is done for? Absolutely not. She's too big. She's still going to be making money from music. People are still going to love her. And regardless of what the outcome of these allegations are, I would say that in a year or two from now, she will still go on to be hugely, hugely successful. And a lot of us will probably forget what the allegations even were. We'll know that there

was something, but we won't know exactly what they were. The thing though is, is I don't think she's above being tainted by it. In a couple of years time, you will think of Lizzo and you'll be like oh yeah but remember when she got done for that sexual harassment or whatever it was you won't know exactly what it was you won't remember the finer details but you will remember that there's this black mark against her you'll remember the umbrella term now my thought process around this whole idea of being cancelled is if you're a celebrity who has built up your celebrity status by being in a glass house you've been put on such a pedestal of perfection because of what you stand for that you have been idolized for being a pioneer in that space but what that means is is

that the fall from grace is so huge when you've put yourself up or when people have put you up on a pedestal for your perfection because they view you as being someone who can do no wrong when you do do wrong you are held to such a higher level of account whereas when you think of celebrities who can't actually be cancelled and I think of people like Donald Trump, Joe Rogan, Chris Brown even. The pop star, not the vet, just to be clear. I think people like Johnny Depp right now, like Netflix are making a documentary about both cases, the one in the UK and America with Amber Heard. And I look at that and I'm like, what? Why are we celebrating this? But when you are a celebrity who is very controversial and your brand is already embedded with multiple

controversies, it's almost like you can't be cancelled because people almost just expect that from you I think to flip the coin what can be interesting about this is it does make me question like how much of these things you know I will use Lizzo for an example how much of that was marketing like when you market yourself as the sex positive the body inclusive person do you have to live in a glass house like it makes me question was it other people that put you on this godlike status or was there also an element of the people around you going hey you know what this is actually a really good marketing technique is to stand for something that in the zeitgeist right now we want feminism totally inclusivity like these are I mean we see it with Australian

celebrities who yes they stand for it but they also use it as part of their branding feminism you know and being very loud about it on social media it is a tool as well in order to push forward and gain followers and whether that be to create headlines that are for or against you the net gain is that you are more famous when you talk about this glass house that she has been put on this pedestal that she's been put on where we're saying that she can do no wrong because otherwise she's going to be taken down she has profited hugely off of being that person you know no longer do we just want to listen to someone's music and like the music we want to also know about the artist and we want to know what they stand for and we want to be behind that we support

Lizzo, not only because we think her songs are catchy, but because she quote unquote represents body inclusivity, sex positivity, all of these things that we also want to align with. Totally. And I don't think that we can scoot over that at all because obviously the fact that she's profited off the brand that she's created, what it means is though, is that when someone does something that's not congruent with that brand, then the hypocrisy is so much greater. That's why the outrage is so great around this. And people are so, I mean, not only just the media, but like people in general there's so much fury and I say this because if you get onto the Instagram post which is Lizzo's like public statement it's the last post that she's done on her insta

the comments they range everywhere from being truly outraged to being severely disappointed and I think it's because it comes off the back of you've said that you're one person and then you've done something that doesn't align with who I think you are we also saw this with people like Ellen DeGeneres and the whole like be kind and then it came out that actually her workplace was a pretty toxic culture. Totally. I think that there is a different conversation to be had about cancellation when the people that are being accused of not being congruent with their messaging are dickheads behind closed doors. And I mean, I don't know what Lizzo was like. Like you said, these are just allegations. But if it is proven to be true, I think that she's kind of fallen on

her own sword. There's always going to be those tier one fans who see that person as not being able to do anything wrong but then there's going to be another group of fans that sit below that and it's almost like an I got you moment you aren't the person that you said you were you aren't the person that I thought you were and you've been pretending this whole time and we've caught you out on it and I guess in this instance it's almost as though she has been guilty of the crime before it's been proven I think it's quite frustrating how it seems to me as though women only need to do something that's like medium rare bad whereas in comparison I think that to be cancelled guys just straight men I'm talking about what they have to do for people to actually go oh

I'm not going to support you anymore has to be so severe that we're like oh no this is a proper crime I think about the Chris Brown situation where he physically assaulted his girlfriend who was also someone who held so much power in Rihanna his music is still played on commercial radio like he's still allowed to perform and I'm it just makes me kind of go like why do we have this different set of standards between women and men of what they need to do for us to kind of go oh no no I'm not going to support you anymore like it's just weird to me that what we need to quote-unquote cancel a woman is a very different set of circumstances to what we need to quote-unquote cancel a man. I think that the world of pop culture as in like the news cycle

the rag trade. They latch onto these sorts of controversies so deeply. And I think that that's what I mean by they're trying to cancel her. Do I think she'll be cancelled? No, I think she's above actually being cancelled. She's still going to sell out concerts. She's still going to have an incredible fan base. But what I think will happen in the long run is that I think there will be a black mark. It'll be that thing that we were talking about at the very start where in years to come, people won't know exactly what happened. They won't remember the finer details, but they will go oh yeah I like Lizzo's music but remember how she was problematic but they won't know why she was problematic and they'll be like yeah that remember that how that thing happened but they

don't know what the thing was and that's the issue no one ever remembers the details they just remember how they felt about it when some sort of controversy happens people only remember the umbrella term and that's why I have such a big issue with kind of making these equivocal to each other when I actually think that the scale of grey that these crimes can exist on is so large and I don't think that you can kind of just throw that onto someone that I don't think is as problematic as other people. I don't want anyone to listen to this and think that we're talking about this and we're devaluing victims experiences. I don't want anyone to think that we're saying that what these three dancers are saying happened to them is not important and shouldn't be spoken

about because I know how difficult it is for people to come out and speak against those who are as powerful as Lizzo. But what I did take from it is that when I read those headlines and I read how damning the headlines sound, I thought that the accusations would be worse. I was surprised by how severe all of the articles sound when you actually compare towards what actually seems to have happened and what she's being accused of. I also think that it is really important for us to kind of across the board say regardless of the level of celebrity these people are human and I'm not saying that as an excuse for her I mean more so in the way that we frame the way that we view these people I actually think it's a huge issue

if we admire people to the level where they are on such a godlike status that we think that they can do no wrong. It's time for vibe and unsubscribe. Now I'm going to go second. Cause I know you always have, you have like the important intelligent vibes and my vibe is absolutely not that, but it's something that's fucking changed my life this week. And I'm excited. Sometimes I get on here and I'm like, I sound like such a dickhead. No, your vibes are so good. Like I go and listen to your vibes. You're always like, go listen to this political podcast about how the world changed. and I'm like, hey, guys, I like my new back scrub. Funny you say that because I was going to recommend an episode

of a podcast that was very politically leaning and then I was like, no, no, no, rein it in, rein it in. I have two. I'll go through them very quickly. My first is a sunscreen. It's a facial sunscreen. Toblerone actually bought this for me because he said that I wasn't being sun safe enough, which was very cute.

It is called the Ultraviolet Queen Screen. It is SPF 50 plus. I use it. It's so great. Okay. Love it. shine the luminescence that it gives me the blue bottle one yes the blue bottle it's like the eye dropper like it feels like a serum that's actually what I like the most about it it feels like

skincare and it feels pretty thin to me I know that this is a cult product most people are on board I have spoken with people in the Facebook group that have been like I don't get what the hype about this is not every product is going to be for every person if you are looking for a facial sunscreen. I love this one. And also I think that there are a lot of days where it gives me such like a glow to my skin that I don't feel like I need to put anything else on. Do you know, okay, I'm all about that. And I'm also the SkinCeuticals sunscreen as well. They're two and they're an equal measure on my shelf. Anyway. Godlike status. Godlike status. The other really quickly recommendation that I would love to put in is an episode of The Diary of a CEO with Stephen Bartlett,

who you know is my, he's my Jason Momoa. He's Keisha's kink. When Keisha masturbates, she thinks of the guy from the Diary of the CEO. I'd love to say it wasn't true. And if we ever have him on the podcast, it's going to be awkward when you're in the same room. So he did an episode. It was actually back in July and I've been wanting to listen to this. You know, when you see like a video and you're like, oh, I've got to listen to that. I only got around to it this week. It is with money expert Ramit Sethi. Now he is on Netflix. He's American. The episode is titled, and this could not be further away from something that you would expect me to recommend, Do Not Buy a House, The 10 Ways to Make Real Money. And I know it's a

sensationalist headline. I walked away from this conversation being like, wow, that really puts so much into perspective for me. He's not against buying a house. He talks about inflation, costs of actually owning a property, like taxes, like land rates, the percentage that you have to pay to brokers the percentage you have to pay in interest it was just very interesting to kind of hear the other side of the coin because I think that we have been sold this narrative he talks about it as Americans but I think it exists in Australia as well as like the number one way to make money is to buy a house and to like sell it for 10 times the price than what you paid for it yeah and I also think it's not just around in Australia it's not just around

this idea of it being this incredible investment even though it has been for people who bought houses when like our parents were young because the property market can't possibly keep doing what it's been doing because otherwise no one will be able to buy houses. But I think we have been sold an additional layer of it. Like it's the great Australian dream. Everybody should own a house. But the thing is we live in a world now where we can't all own houses because they're so unbelievably priced out. Or if you do own a house, you don't own it where you live. You know, you own, you've bought somewhere else, which just means that other people in that community can't buy a house because they're priced out. It is crazy. The flow on effect that it is having.

Yes. This conversation was absolutely eyeopening to me. And I think it really redirected me to like where I will attempt to put money. Yeah. It was just, I loved it. Okay. Well, mine is not, uh, it is absolutely not highbrow. You can call me Miranda Kerr though, after this, or maybe Gwyneth Paltrow. I'll take that. You can call me that. Keisha's looking at me like, you do not want to get caught fucking Gwyneth Paltrow, but I'm recommending something that you're all going to think is so dumb but the reason why I'm recommending it is because it has helped me immensely dry brushing everyone okay don't don't just wait dried brushing dry brushing like with a dry brush no you can't everyone's heard of dry

hair or body body okay this is too much information for you all I get pimples on my ass I have my entire life I get them because I sit down too much I wear jeans I don't exercise has enough and my ass has pimples on it and I hate it and I get embarrassed by it especially when I'm in a bikini but nothing has ever fucking worked no one now she's interested I didn't know this about you yeah I feel like this is a we know each other to such a level that you're not seeing my ass a lot I used to get bacne so bad as a kid I used to get really bad acne on my back over the years the back is cleared up but I still get breakouts on my ass I don't get acne on my ass but I get breakouts. Anyway, about three weeks ago, I started dry brushing. So it's like a hard

bristled wooden dry brush and somebody recommended it to me and she's been touting it for ages. And I think it was one of those things that I've heard people talk about, like you're Miranda Kerr's and you're Gwyneth Paltrow. And I was like, oh, fucking who has time for dry brushing? Like, shut up. Like I don't even have time to brush my hair, let alone brush my body. But anyway, I started three weeks ago, 100% gone. Do not have a single, not a single pimple on my bum. and I put it down to dry brushing. So is it like a form of exfoliation? Is that why?

I don't even know. You brush from your ankles up your body. It's meant to be good for like circulation and your lymph nodes and like cellulite and all this other stuff. Could not care about my cellulite. I'll keep my cellulite till the cows come home. But the pimples on my butt, I don't want them there.

And they're finally gone. Okay. So are you recommending the technique of dry brushing? I'm recommending you all go to your chemist and buy a $7 dry brush and brush your ass and tell me how it feels in three weeks time. I would do not want any videos or any photos please tell me because I and not even that like the skin on my I get I'm so dry I'm so scaly like everything is better my life is better since I

started dry brushing with a seven dollar brush from the chemist I'm very intrigued all right anyway let's get into answering some fucking questions all right question number one this is not something that I think anybody else will experience but it gave me a bit of a giggle and made me feel really uncomfortable my uncle who I love has written a self-published book which is amazing the problem is is that I hate it I would say it's potentially one of the worst books I have ever read the female characters in particular are very one-dimensional and are written as perfect wives or sex objects and nothing in between it is mostly poorly written and the plot was very thin he is over the moon and keeps pushing me to promote it on the many writing forums that I am a member

of. He has now asked me five times if I could write a review on a very public and prolific online book club to promote it. This is not my profession, but I am an avid reader. I review books in this forum often, and I have won many writing competitions over the years and have had some published articles. I have also had my works published in anthology series in the past. That's obviously something she takes quite seriously. I keep putting him off and I really don't want to review it. He lives overseas, but he's coming over in a month. What do I do? Oh, the awkwardness is palpable write the review screenshot it send it to him then delete it your uncle's being so pushy to ask you five times and the reason I think I can feel a bit of skin in this game is because

like we are asked to I have a lot of friends in the audio industry surprise surprise and I've been asked to promote things for my friends before that you don't want to well mostly I actually feel uncomfortable about being asked to promote something because I'm like I will only ever promote something that I feel is genuine to how I truly feel about it. So I often felt uncomfortable when people have outrightly been like, hey, can you put this on your Instagram? And I'm like, no, it's terrible. Obviously don't write this back. But in my head, I'm like, I would have preferred for me to just listen to it and put it up there because I genuinely actually liked it, not because I felt kind of inclined to or obliged to. And I think that that's where he's been really

shitty towards you because he's really putting the pressure on you to use the platform that you've got to spruik his stuff. Okay, here's my question. Would you have a conversation with your uncle about the things you didn't like about the book? Would you say to him, look, I love these bits, but I want to be honest with you. As a young female, I don't think that the character development of the female characters within this book is where it should be. And I want you to know that because of XYZ. I think it depends on the closeness of your relationship. She said she loves him and i just remembered remember in sex in the city when burger wrote some story about a woman and carrie was like but the scrunchie no woman in new york city is going to be walking

around with a scrunchie and his ego was like yeah like i cannot take criticism about this piece of art that i've created it's an awkward situation here because like you're coming at it you're saying that the female characters are either written as perfect wives or sex objects nothing in between like come on bro it's 2023 but also he's like 100 so he doesn't know you know he's like a he's an old man which we can't make excuses for that he should know better but like he's writing it from his obviously uneducated and misogynistic lens which is not okay which is why it's room for a discussion you could take this as an education piece would you have the convo i would if i could be bothered if i could be bothered because it's not your job it's no

one's job to educate someone else and make them be a better person right or make them view women in a different way but it would make me kind of go if I was reading this book and this is my uncle who I love I would go that's how you view women oh that's interesting I didn't realize that that's what you thought we were good for because why and that's the big question right like why did he not feel inclined to write any of the female characters in the book in a way that would give them a bit more context why are the men the most colorful characters in the book does that I don't know maybe I'm getting too deep into this just write the review leave it up for four days screenshot it and send it to him but also then like you're kind of putting your own reputation on the line

because if someone recognizes that you're the one who's recommended it I think the only way you can actually kind of get around this is by being very open with your review and being like my uncle has written a book and he asked me to share this review let's say hypothetical situation one of your relatives comes to you and is like Laura I've started a podcast has asked you now five times can you please put it on your Instagram can you please put it on life on cuts Instagram or can you recommend it as your vibe on the podcast which also our vibes are never sponsored and they're never influenced by friends not by my uncle that's for sure okay what would I do if I was being pressured to talk about it on the podcast by a family member. The podcast had

misogynistic undertones. Absolutely would not do it. Not a chance in hell because this obviously is the same for you. Like it's one, it's a field that you care greatly about. You obviously care about the impact that you have, but like what's most important to me is that this is authentic and it's something that I'm proud of. And so I wouldn't recommend anything that I don't love to you guys. Dry brushing, go try it for yourself. There's nothing that I would recommend to you guys, because I do think that it's like a referral of a friend. It's a respectful referral. And so if you feel the very same about your platforms in which you do these reviews for books and you've built up a reputation of being a respected person who reviews books, which I know that

if you're into the book world, it's a thing. That is a community, which I am not a part of, but it is a one that exists. If you are part of that, I can understand why you take it really seriously. And I agree with you, Keish. I think it's unfair to be pressured into doing anything that you don't want to do. You clearly haven't forgotten it. You could approach this one of two ways. You could ignore the request until he comes to Australia and then see if he brings it up again. He may not bring it up again. And if he does bring it up again, you can just make a, you know, offhand a comment of like, oh, I haven't gotten around to it. I've been super busy, whatever it is. If that's not enough to appease him and he forces you into doing it, which is kind of weird

in itself, would you then have the conversation of like, the reason why I haven't written a review yet is because some of the female characters made me feel a bit uncomfortable and this is why would you have that conversation it's so hard because you're kind of putting yourself in a position where you could really damage a relationship with someone that you're related to but I also think it's interesting if he knows that you're such an avid book lover it's interesting to me that he didn't give it to you to review it prior to self-publishing it like why didn't he give you the opportunity to give him feedback rather than just giving you a finished product and saying you need to read this and give me a positive review I think it's an unfair request and

expectation well it's because he views women as perfect wives or sex as his characters would indicate I don't know I think that there's two ways that you can approach it you can obviously continue to ignore and be conflict avoidant and just never do it he will eventually give up eventually he'll always be in the back of his mind as to why you didn't review it but I think if he's smart enough he'll figure out why or you can review it leave it up for a couple of days and delete it. That's the other way of getting about it. If you're really conflict avoidant. Yeah. I quite actually like that advice. Just four days max, then delete that shit. But also make it clear that it's your uncle and you're

like, Hey, I'm recommending this book that my uncle wrote. You know, I'm recommending this book that my uncle wrote. He's really proud about it. This is the plot. That's it. You don't have to say that it was a good read. You don't have to give it a stellar, any start. Just say, Hey guys, my uncle wrote a book. This is the plot. He's super proud. That's it. Read between the lines. They're book readers. They'll get it. They'll get your pot. Okay. All right. Next question. All right. Question number two. My friend's husband got her a gift for her birthday. It was a foot massager and she told him that she didn't like it. I told her I can't believe she'd ever say that. And in the group chat, three out of four agreed that you can tell a partner or spouse

that you don't like the gift that they gave you. I actually think this is pretty rude and I could never not accept a gift. I'm shocked I'm the only one who feels that way because I'd be deeply hurt if someone didn't like a gift that I gave them what do you think I am you I cannot tell someone if I don't like a gift I say thank you I love it it's beautiful I wear it all the time could never I could never ever ever ever ever I still use things that have been given to me that I don't like daily we got you an experience here birthday we sent you and Matt out for dinner never you can't not like that you got to spend time with your husband but I also you know I love my husband that was a great gift thank you no I could never I think that there are two very different types

of people and there are two very different types of relationships and it comes down to the person that you're dating I also know that if I was to say to Matt I hate this or to most of my friends they would be offended you know if I was like can I get the receipt because I want to go and exchange it I know that they would be offended because I know that when Matt buys presents he's very very considered he also 99.9% of the time buys things that I love like he is very thoughtful and he really thinks about it and tries to buy things that he thinks that I would love you know he doesn't just buy things he likes and then gives them to me I think that there are two different types of relationships and some people it's okay with and some people their partners

won't care and then other people whose partners are more sensitive or they are more sensitive wouldn't be able to do this and I think both options are fine it just needs to be done tactfully would you ever for me it depends on who the person is that has given the gift and I'm gonna throw my mom under the bus here and I'm just gonna hope that she never listens to this on the podcast because to play the devil's advocate of this situation I think that it can be a little bit offensive when people get you gifts that to me indicate they don't know you at all and I spent the good part of 10 years away from my family and I remember for one birthday and I just want to preface this i love my mom so much and she's such a kind person and i actually think she'd be really

hurt if she heard me say this so i gotta hope that she never does for one of my birthdays she sent me a bouquet of flowers you would think what a lovely gift i actually remember being pretty hurt by that because to me a bunch of flowers is something that you couldn't get anyone it's very impersonal yes it's lovely but it's very impersonal i remember at the time kind of being like kind of feel as though, you don't know me well enough to know what I would like. Therefore, you've just gone for something that everyone likes. Yeah, for sure. And I know that certain people are quite hard to buy for, like, you know, those people that you're just like, I don't know what to get you because you've got everything that you want. So that is a bit of a caveat that is difficult to

navigate. But I kind of feel like in this situation, it's her husband that has got her something that she really doesn't like. It's a foot massager. Maybe she doesn't like feet. Maybe she has ticklish feet and so I kind of go no well it's probably fair enough like you're this your husband this is the person who's supposed to know you better than anyone else on the planet I kind of think it's fair that you tell them hey I don't like this firstly it could be a practical decision where she's like I would rather return this for something that I'm actually going to use totally or it could be a bit of an indication of like I actually don't feel like you know me that well yeah but also it could be an indication of the fact that she knows him so well and knows that

he won't be offended there's different types of people there's some people who are sensitive and who put so much time and energy into gifts and thinking about what to buy and so therefore if they got it wrong it would be offensive it's the same for engagement rings do you tell your partner that you hate your engagement ring I think so many people accept their engagement rings and then over the years are like oh honey do you mind if I get this retrofitted and I say this is a jewel up because we get so many people coming in with their older wedding bands and they would never say it when their husband's there but they're like oh my god I've hated this my entire a fucking life but finally I'm getting it made into something I like and I just wore it for 10

years and then told them oh you know I've grown out of the style or I'm changing the gold or I'm you know because they didn't want to hurt their feelings I think that this is something that is so case by case in relationships but I do definitely agree with you Keish that sometimes receiving a present that is so far outside of something that you would like can make you feel like that person doesn't know you at all and I know I experienced it with an ex-boyfriend many many years ago we're only in our 20s and he was someone who never bought gifts like ever he never ever ever bought me presents for Christmas for birthdays for nothing and then I made a real point about it one year because we've been together for so long and I was like you're not gonna buy me a

present again this year uh-huh anyway he did buy me a present and I was a jewelry designer I made jewelry for a living I was working at the markets every single Sunday making jewelry and he bought me a beaded necklace and I was like wow I'm not gonna tell you that I hate it I hated it but I was hurt I was really hurt and I felt even at the time like no present would have been better it felt like a fuck you it's like the angel thing of when if you wear gold someone gets you silver or the other way around but in his mind I remember him saying I remember him being like oh I really thought you'd love it and you don't seem to love it or I hadn't worn it and he was like I thought because you make jewelry like you would so I know he thought about it it just didn't think well

it just didn't land it just didn't learn so I mean you're kind of shocked that someone would be outright and I get it because I think it shows a lack of gratitude and also you don't know how much thought went into the gift like we're kind of making a lot of assumptions when someone gets the gift I mean it's a foot massager who doesn't like having their feet massaged I hate it my feet are really ticklish touch me I can't have anyone touch my feet I hate it I love people touching my foot. I would touch you with my feet all day if you would let me. That's why I've deliberately distanced the chair. I'll put my foot on your face. I used to do that as a kid. I used to like pretend to stand on my sister's face because I would like the feeling of it on my foot.

Maybe I have a foot fetish. I think you do. Maybe I think you have more of one than what you are willing to admit. Maybe I will go home and fuck Matthew Johnson like this with my feet. Is that too much? I will never forget the two of you made a fucking foot mold where your toes were like intertwined it haunts my dreams do you know who else it haunts we're currently packing up our house and we had someone come and help us with the packing because there was so much to get through and she picked it up off the mantelpiece and was like what the fuck is this and danny's the best she takes care of the kids she's a babysitter now she's helping us pack the house and i was like it's a foot mold we're using it as a bookend

anyway look different stories for different folks is what how i'd like to round that one out okay last question is i met a guy last year in hinge and we hit it off immediately and spent the next few weeks going on dates two to three times a week by the third month mark he asked me to be his girlfriend and that same weekend i met his closest group of friends i thought everything was going great the next week i went to melbourne for a work trip and while i was there he broke up with me in a text message and never gave me an explanation as to why fast forward to may this year he came back into my life messaging asking to spend time together he apologized and said he knew what he did was wrong and he still didn't know why he did it but he wanted a second chance

we began spending time together taking things really slow just dinners and a couple of dates out and about we started sleeping together again and he tells me how happy he is he then goes away for a work trip and has since ghosted me what the hell has happened what should i do i haven't heard from him for two weeks i hate this guy like do not fucking text him again i also feel so sorry for you because i've been in this situation almost exactly and it is such a shit feeling and what i hate that he has somehow gotten away with is that he's left you in two circumstances with no context or closure. But that's the thing.

That's why ghosting is so shitty because it doesn't give people the opportunity to move on because we fill in the blanks. We're left trying to figure out what we did wrong and feeling like we are the problem. Why is it that this has happened again to me? This has nothing to do with you. This says so much more about the ghoster than what it says about the person who's being ghosted.

He could be someone who is extremely conflict avoidant to the point where he's not able to communicate, he could also just be a total fuck boy and have many other things going on and doesn't prioritize your feelings or the impact that this is going to have on you, especially when he's done it a second time. Like saying, I'm sorry, saying, I don't know why I did it, but I've learned the lessons. It's almost worse that the first time he doesn't know why he did it. He doesn't have a reason for why he behaved that way because he sure as hell is not going to have a reason for why he's done it a second time yeah and I think we have said it before but the real problem that I find with ghosting is that like you said we fill in the

blanks but we actually fill in the blanks with what we hate the most about ourselves like what we have our deepest insecurities about we're like oh well it must have been this and I spent years doing this years trying to find closure out of situations or provide context to them because I just couldn't figure out like the highs of when we were hanging you know you you have these conversations with your friends and you're like, but it was so good when we were hanging out together in person. It was so great. I got along with his friends so well. He did A, B, C, D that showed me that things were going in such a direction. And then this is in such contrast to that. And so it can feel like this cliff jump where like everything's been going so great and

you've been climbing to the peak. And then all of a sudden you're just left with nothing and you have no explanation as to why things change so much. I mean, I think as any of your friends, if you were being honest with them about this situation, which I have a feeling that you probably aren't because a lot of people would be like, well, he's done it to you once. Like, why are you surprised? You know, that whole like fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. When I've been in situations like this, I've kind of kept it quiet for my friends because I didn't want the judgment of them being like, yeah, well, what did you expect to happen? I understand why people keep a secret or like feel shame, but I don't think that you should feel guilty or feel sad that you

chose to give someone a second chance. And then they proved again who they are. I think the only thing that you can take from this, this time, because two weeks is two weeks is a really long time. If you are in a relationship or you are heading towards something for someone to decide to not contact you, especially if you've reached out, especially if you've tried to call or send text message and you've been left on read. I think that it is so okay to give people second chances. Like if someone breaks up with you and you're in love with them and you have feelings for them and you hoped for something different, it's okay to give them a second chance. But if they do the same thing without context, without reason, without explanation a second time, do not give

them a third chance because that is them reinforcing that they are the person that they're showing you to be and that is unreliable inconsistent and they are going to break your trust again basically because you can't continue to try and move forward or build a relationship with somebody who doesn't respect how much it fucking hurts to be ghosted how much it leaves you laying awake at night time going are they going to text every single time you get a text message on your phone or your phone pings you think is that them are they contacting me now but it's also quite a manipulative move from his behalf where he's kind of like he's ghosted you and then he's come back being like, you know, I'm going to be better, blah, blah, blah. He's doing

the exact same thing again. And I think that you're falling into the danger of this actually just being the cyclical nature of your relationship if you continue hanging out with him. Yeah. Because he's actually setting the precedent for himself. What would you do if you were in this situation and he showed up again after two and a half weeks? Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy. Like work's been so crazy. Like I've had so much going on. You know, my uncle died, whatever it is, whatever the explanation is, what would be your response? I would not reply. No message is every message. Not saying anything is the only way that you will feel a sense of power brought back to your sense of control. And that is my ultimate advice because he will come back. I don't know

how long it will take, but they always fucking do. They always resurrect themselves. I think it's an interesting one because we, I mean, this was one of our chapters that we wrote in the book. We love love if you haven't read it yet go get yourself a copy all good and bad bookstore it's available at every bookstore it doesn't matter if it's good or bad we spoke about ghosting and I think the biggest problem comes from this idea of closure like you don't get closure but you don't always have to get closure from someone else sometimes you can give yourself that closure and a couple of the points that I know for myself are really helpful when I have been in a similar situation to this I think the first thing that you can do is instead of waiting for them to contact

you instead of having that anxiety around your phone pinging and hoping that they're going to get back in contact with you, you have to draw the line in the sand yourself. You have to make the decision that even if they do contact, like you said, Keish, it doesn't matter. It's now become irrelevant because they've not treated you with the respect that you deserve. So I think get a headstart on that and block their number. Unsubscribe from everything. So anything that you have contact with them on, unsubscribe from Instagram, Facebook, social media, just you don't want to follow them. Unfollow so that they're not in your periphery. They're not in your world. And they also can't see. The other problem is, is you don't want them to see what you're doing

so that when you're all happy and you're living your best life and you're out with your girlfriends looking hot at a club, they're like, oh, I'm feeling a bit lonely now. I'll send that message. Because even if you don't respond and you get that message when you're feeling, you're looking hot and you're out having a great time, but maybe you still emotionally feel a bit vulnerable. It'll put you back in that place. It'll put you back into a place where you're like, fuck you why have you come back here out of nowhere with your you up text and I also think that we change our behavior on social media like you know we'll post certain things in the hopes that they will see it totally we bait people the only other thing I want to add is if you have been

ghosted I do think it's okay to send that final text and say you know I'm just putting it out there and you don't have to reply to this you haven't replied to anything else so far but I don't want to continue this and please do not resurrect yourself like I deserve more respect than this and this is the second time you've done it and I just think you can go and get fucked and I think that that's okay you can send that message and if that's your way of putting a line in the sand then that is a totally healthy thing to do but I think you no longer wait for somebody else to come to you you be proactive and make that decision first the only thing that I want to add to that is that I think if you are going to send that message you have to be comfortable with the

fact that you might not get a reply yeah so like you have to actually make that decision beforehand And whether you're going to feel worse if they don't reply to that, don't send it. Yeah, I agree completely. Anyway, guys, that is it from us today. If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, slide on into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast. You can follow us on Instagram, on the TikToks, join the discussion group, which is Life Uncut Discussion Group. All linked in the show notes.

Also, our vibes always linked in the show notes. We get messages every day. And Keisha, I love having you on the podcast. Britt will be back on Tuesday. Thank you so much. And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love. Because we love love!

Thank you.