Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Got milk? Or got the ick?

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

Hey Lifers!Welcome to your weekly fake therapy session where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions.First up, we want your thoughts on whether it's 'ick' worthy for your date to order a plain glass of milk on a date?We share some of the weirdest things you guys have had people order on dates and *once again* whhhhhere do you guys find these people??Today we are jumping into these questions:-I was married previously for 12 months when I found out that my husband had been cheating on me. I've moved on and have found my penguin, and he keeps on saying things like "this would make a good wedding song" and "that would be a good spot to propose." The problem is I want to spend my life with him but I don't know if I want to get married again.-I tend to get the 'ick' on about 50% of first dates. I message them saying "thank you but I don't see it going anywhere." My friends believe in the 2 date rule and think I should always give it a second chance. Do you believe in the second date rule?-I'm in a long term, committed relationship and I found out that my partner has a saved message on snapchat with a girl that read "I wish I didn't have a girlfriend so that I could see your onlyfans. I don't have a problem with him wanting to see that, but when I brought it up with him he completely denied it and said it didn't exist and he didn't send the message. Except I know that he did. It was at 5:30pm on a Monday. What should I do?We'd really love to do a wrap up of the year with an ask uncut aftermath so if we've ever answered one of your questions, we'd LOVE to know what happened next. Please send them in to our instagram at @lifeuncutpodcast!You know the drill, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut, I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura and this is our Thursday episode, our Ask Uncut episode where we answer all your deep, your dark and your burning questions.

Well I want to start by giving a little update to something that's very important in my life. What's happened? Well Delilah's got a period still. you told us that on tuesday it goes for a week probably the same as a human is this really another update that's all i've got she's very hormonal at the moment so she's sticking to me like glue anywhere i go she goes she has to be touching me at all times she wants to be on me i think she's got a sore tummy so i did google something and you can get a heat pack for them so i was like i am going to give her a heat pack heated it up she sat down on a bed put

it on it went away for two minutes came back and it was ripped to shreds the heat pack was everywhere well considering the amount of headphones that we've gone through in this office uh considering the amount of handbags you've gone through shoes you've gone does any of that surprise you at all but i guess i thought because she was feeling so poorly and sure she was yeah well she well i know they do i googled it anyway um we've just googled it as we're speaking i can last up to a month period the dog's period two to four weeks is what google do you know what's lasted too long us talking about your dog's period on this podcast. I know you hate episodes in a row.

Do you know what? I had to go through your intimacy challenge, Laura. Do you know what? Why don't we talk about Buster's anal glands? That could be the next good chat for today. Well, we have actually done that. I know about his. You had to do his anal glands.

No, we are not. Okay. That's my update. We can move on. Do you know what we're going to talk about? There was a little segment on the project. Now, we're not just talking about the project because I've been on it. This is totally just coincidental.

No, this is funny. Really coincidental. There was a segment on the project and it was a woman speaking about how she got the ick. She went out on a date with a guy and on the date the man ordered a glass of milk with his dinner. It was a dinner date. So he ordered a glass of milk.

This is a woman in the UK and she said she found it odd. She's like, I don't know why. I wish I knew why, but it gave her the ick. She can't work it out. There's something about a grown man sitting down on a romantic date, ordering a dinner, you've got your wine and he orders. orders I didn't even know if a restaurant how do you even charge for that I don't even think that's on the menu like imagine sitting there and being like I'll get the why you steak please and

a glass of milk what do you think about this oh like it's weird which is funny that it's weird because it is just a drink like because if you know why because we associate having a glass of milk with children that's why it's a very emasculating drink for him to order it is funny the thread was funny so she actually this woman actually put it out to the world and she's like why do I think this is weird is this weird like am I an arsehole should I date someone that drinks milk some of the responses were pretty funny but maybe he's got digestion problems you know maybe he's got an issue you don't know but I don't know if that is helping the ick situation that if you think your date has bowel problems that are that extreme that he can only order milk at his dinner

do you know what okay I know that we're making fun of this but Matt loves a glass of milk would he order it on a date like would we go out for a lovely dinner to icebergs and then him order a side of milk no but loves a glass of milk and I find it a bit weird when adults drink a full glass of cold full cream milk the whole thing is strange to me so I mean I've I've got some reserved judgment there is nothing there's a few things that make me viscerally ill to look at one of them is talking about your dog's period love that one of them is the smell I'm going to give you an insight into my life one of them is the smell of me using your bathroom before oh my god Laura burn just dropped the biggest bomb in my bathroom we do not know to go into that you brought it up

i was gonna bypass that i alluded okay i'm gonna have to tell you now we did it i don't know how you look so attractive on the outside and your inside is rotting something is not right something is all right and then you went to you walked in and you were like i need to shit well i said sorry i've been holding on to that for four hours so then you came back into my room where kisha and on my bed and this smell was on you it came wafted into my room and Keisha and I were like we need to get out of here abort mission do you know what this just gives you guys an insight into how close we are and how much we love each other that I will reserve going to the toilet in public to do it at Brittany's house no if you're a real friend you would do it in the public toilet also

I would like to make it very clear that your house is also where we work out of this is my workplace and that was on you because you wanted it to be here I do not want this to be our workplace okay let's get back on track what i was gonna say besides your toilet smell a few of the things in life that make me feel sick and i cannot be around one of them is the smell of butter in a pan melting oh melting butter i cannot look at it i cannot smell it i can't you couldn't pay me to taste it my children will eat no spoonful of butter like a teaspoon of butter both of them every morning they are obsessed with it they wake up and the first thing they say is butter oh i would have to disown my child i would do that what do you do when you divorce your kid

you know what's it called you know when you divorce your children yeah well it's when children terrible co-parenting no abandonment which one it's when children divorce their parents it's called emancipation child emancipation but usually it's the child that's like i don't want you to be my parents anymore but you know if you want to emancipate yourself from your children if they want to eat butter is that too much yeah a little bit extreme a little bit extreme okay back on track the smell of melting butter cannot do it i hate that your kids just like gobble it up i haven't eaten butter my entire life the other one is the smell of cooking raw mince or meat so when you put that mince that first once it's cooked it's okay or it's got

some seasoning but when you put raw mince in like i cook delilah's mince in the air fryer and i have to leave the room i'm going to be ill that's two of them the third thing is watching someone or drinking myself a glass of milk i cannot do it i don't want to taste it i don't want to look at it I don't want to hear it. It's thick. It's creamy. It shouldn't be consumed on its own. And I want, this is my thing.

So for me, this woman, if I went on a date and he ordered a glass of milk, I know that I shouldn't be judgmental. I know that I shouldn't worry about their salmon shirt and their socks and sandals. But if they ordered a glass of milk, I think that that would have to be me tapping out. Do you know what I've always wondered? Who was the first person?

Like who was the first person back in the day in caveman days that went, I'm going to suck from that cow's titty. I'm going to suck that cow's titty. Whatever comes out of that cow's titty, I'm going to drink it. And then over time, it's just become so normal that we put it on our breakfast cereal. But you have to think, actually, if you think about it, Laura, it's not that weird. I don't think someone was walking along, saw an animal, saw the udder and thought, I'm going to suck it.

They would have seen the baby calves feeding off it, knowing that that's how they grow. And then they would have been like, okay, it's famine. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. That little cow's growing exponentially. I'm going to suck on the titty. Okay, no, because that would make sense if it was just cows, but I'm sure all the caveman people saw cats sucking on other cats too.

There's so many other animals. Why was it just a cow? Why is it okay for us to drink cow milk and not okay to drink dog milk? There are scientific reasons. All right. Well, anyway, look, we wanted to take this to an even weirder place. We thought we would throw it out to our beautiful Life Uncut community, you lifers, and find out what is the weirdest thing that somebody has ordered on a date.

Well, I want to kickstart by saying I actually dated someone that did this. I dated them for quite a long time and they ordered milk every time milkshakes oh that's fine with their dinner though not they didn't it was it's the same vibe right you go to a really nice dinner I would get the wine but they would get a milkshake a chocolate milkshake strawberry milkshake always milkshake they didn't like alcohol and I was like why don't you just get like a lemon lime bitters or something always a milkshake no matter what time of day no matter what meal no matter what level of fancy restaurant and it eventually got to the point where I was like I don't I don't know about it well it's funny you say that because the very first one I had from

Malifa was not that weird but we went on a coffee date and he ordered a milkshake and it gave me the ick. Okay that's I reckon that's okay in the setting you're at a cafe. I reckon it was the same guy. Nah. Okay I went on a date with this one guy and he ordered calamari but he also requested for the crumbs to be removed and then for it to be cut into small pieces. Cut your own calamari up. It was a first date and he ordered one cocktail to share with two straws and then he insisted that we link arms to drink it. I went on a date with a guy and he ordered Baileys in orange juice and it curdled.

That is fucking rank. That is literally saying I want to mix milk and orange juice. That's what that is. That's not fancy. He made that up. He made that up and then I bet you he regretted it and then drank it anyway. I reckon he just panic ordered and thought it was a thing.

You know how the waitress comes in like, what can I get you? And you're like, I'll have orange juice with Baileys. Like he just panicked it. Okay. everything I ordered he ordered the exact same thing right down to my allergy requests and everything that's a panic order too he doesn't know do you know okay I'm gonna interrupt this quickly though what I do think on a date how do we feel about sharing because I'm like if I go on a date with a guy perhaps it's not gonna happen again but if I did if I was to if I go for a

dinner date and they don't want to share it come on it's an instant like whatever I'm getting you're gonna get something else different and we're gonna share it if i go on a dinner date and i'm like i'm gonna get the fish and then they're like oh i'm also gonna get the fish and i'm like so we're gonna get two fishes and eat our own that's dumb i'm like this is never gonna work that's dumb our relationship will never be no if i got a carbonara which i always do fettuccine carbonara egg chicken if i get a carbonara and they ordered the same thing i'll be like that is the dumbest thing you've done today you just wasted the opportunity for us to eat everything and the carbonara is a big like these are big servings you want to share it around okay all right this

one here is he asked for no onion in his meal and then said to the waitress in case i get a kiss at the end of the night okay no this isn't bad but he's it's not bad that he did it it's bad that he said it so it's the assumption i knew that i was going on a date recently and we were getting takeaway you put the sardines away yeah i decided not to have the mackerel no i made a conscious decision not to get oh i just said it was actually i wanted the carbonara i didn't get it because i was like garlic and i think that's something you're going to think about you just don't voice it it's really nice when you're in a long-term relationship because you can eat anything i can eat so much garlic that my entire body smells probably downstairs it smells like

garlic and i'm like whatever it doesn't matter you do it as like a blockage like you're like don't come near me i had the garlic what about this one a long black he ordered a long black and said oh this is going to last me a week and then took it home with him so that he could then take it to work a long black that's just a shot of coffee how long is this coffee lasting you wait like he's just putting like a couple of drops he's got an eye drop he's just putting a couple of drops of it into his milk every morning? No, you don't add milk. He just ordered a long load.

But it doesn't mean it's lasting him a week. I don't know what he's doing. So he's like sectioning out throughout the week, Monday to Friday. My partner puts mayonnaise on a steak so thick that you can't see the steak anymore. I'm fine with that one. I don't have a problem with that. Are you mayo? Is that a thing?

Is mayo a condiment for a steak? Yeah, you can put as much mayonnaise on anything. Literally, you could put mayonnaise on wheat bits and I'm fine with that. Okay, this though, I'm not fine with. Tiramisu with a side of ketchup. Nah, wrong. Someone actually ordered tiramisu with a side of tomato sauce. And the last one that gave this lovely woman the ick was we went on a date

and he ordered ice, like a cup of ice, because he felt sweaty. And then he sat there and sucked on ice for the entire day. Oh, no, I think that's okay. He's just hot. He's probably Mexico. No. It's hot. He wants to cool down.

A bit of ice. No, that one's all right. You can't just order ice on a date, Brittany, and then suck ice like a child. What, you're allowed to order a jug of milk? No, I think that's a terrible idea as well. Anyway, let's get into these questions. I'm going to kick it off with question number one. I am in a bit of a pickle and I'd like some perspective on this.

For context, at the start of the pandemic, I found out that my husband of a year was cheating on me. We tried to make it work, but ultimately we ended up getting divorced. Fast forward to now and I've met someone who I think is truly my penguin and it is the most fulfilling, happy relationship of my adult life. But, dun, dun, dun, there's always a but, he really wants to get married. He talks a lot about it and says things like, oh, this could be a good wedding song or I want to do these things for my bucks or locations that would be a nice location to propose at. But the thing is,

I don't really want to get married again. Weddings ultimately are a huge cost and require so much time and energy. And I don't know if I have it in me to do it all again in what feels so soon. What should I do? Am I being unfair to deny him something that he clearly wants to do because I've already done it? Or do I say no, just honestly, because I want to focus on paying off my mortgage and starting a family okay I I think I know what I want to say here all right well go ahead no one's stopping you no because usually you want to like chat it out and get to your answer but I think you are completely entitled to say I don't want to do this again I put so much money into it I don't want the big hoo-ha because I've done it once it didn't work

you've obviously got some feelings towards your last wedding and your last marriage and that is completely okay, but your partner really wants to get married. So I think this is maybe a case of a conversation and a meet in the middle. Is there a reason that you can't get married officially, which is what he wants? Because he might just want to feel like there is that commitment and you have said for the rest of your life, because there is something different about it. I'm not saying a wedding is the be all and end all, but for a lot of people, it's a comfort of like, oh, we are actually professing our love and saying we want to do this. So is there a middle ground of saying maybe we can elope maybe we don't have to have the huge wedding maybe we

can have 10 friends and family so that he gets what he wants he's getting that special moment he gets a wedding because he sounds like he hasn't been married before and then you get what you want which is not this whole big elaborate hoo-ha but you can't go and get married if you absolutely have an aversion to a wedding as a whole and it's not just the idea of it being big and elaborate but if you just don't want to do that wedding certificate again you don't want to make it official again then you do have to just be honest with him I agree what you say but I think that this is quite a tricky one because like there's a very big difference between a wedding and a marriage like and that's something that only you know what you feel comfortable with like

is it the fact that the wedding is expensive and hard to organize and all of that or is it the fact that you don't want to be in a situation where you're married again and you feel like your life is completely tied to someone who could disappoint you I agree with you a one year out from your recent divorce and being in a new relationship is a really soon time period and I think it is quick yeah really quick and I think if you were to have that conversation with him of like you are the person I want to be with I see this potentially in the future but right now I'm not ready to get married I don't think that that's an unreasonable expectation or thing to say like I don't think you're being unreasonable by saying I'm not ready to get married again but that doesn't

mean that it changes my feelings for you I also think that the reason why he's bringing it up and saying oh this is a great place to get proposed or like this is a great wedding song is I kind of think he's floating your reaction he wants to know whether you are you gonna say yes yeah are you gonna say yes like he's actually trying to gauge from you what your answer will be so when he says those sorts of things that is your opportunity to tell him how you're feeling or to tell him what your reservations are but I do think that by being really honest with your communication you can explain that your reservations are not around the long-term commitment of the relationship but it's around the fact that you've already just been through this and I'm sure your divorce was quite

recently finalized I mean if you split up at the beginning of COVID it takes a year for a divorce to actually you know be able to be legitimate so there hasn't been that much time since your last marriage and I understand why you might need a bit of breathing space I hate to be the person who says like, you might change your mind, right? Because I do think in life, like that's a very dismissive thing when people feel a certain way about anything, whether it's kids, whether it's about marriage, whatever it is. But there is the opportunity that in the future, you may change your mind, but I don't think that you have to make a decision just yet. And I think that if he loves you and wants to be with you, then he will understand that, you know, there are some

limitations with being with someone who's already just been married. The other thing I want to add to that is what you just said is very accurate Laura maybe he's floating the idea of an engagement right and one thing I do want to say because I know a lot of people in my life some family members friends some people get engaged and that is the commitment they don't actually ever end up tying the knot for no reason in particular other than maybe they want to use that money for a house deposit maybe they don't feel like they need that commitment they get busy it was COVID but they've realized that the proposal and the engagement ring was enough of a commitment so maybe if you know you want to spend your life with him maybe let him know that if he proposes and you say yes

then you can have a discussion too and maybe you can say i'm exactly what laura just said not ready for our wedding yet let's just sit on this let's sit in the moment you know i want to be with you forever then you can have the discussion later about the size of the wedding if you go to a registry if you even do it but i think if you want to spend your life with someone that's a pretty beautiful and a pretty special thing and i think you're not gonna it's not i would be very surprised if you love someone that purely, if this was a deal breaker, I think it's just going to be about compromise more than is it a deal breaker? Totally. The only thing though is, and I mean, now I'm backflipping on what I just said. If you know, if you know in your heart of hearts that

you're absolutely not going to change your mind on this, that you do not want to be married again, that that was, you know, the process of the breakup and, you know, thinking that that person was the one and a divorce was too much to tread that path again, then I think be really clear because the worst thing you want is for him to propose to you with the expectation that a marriage is coming and then for you to have to disappoint him. I think it's always better to try and get on the same page early as soon as possible to mitigate and manage someone else's expectations and what they want for themselves. Because the earlier you do that, the less of a huge problem it's going to be down the path because you're only just like, it's going to

compile and snowball the further and the longer you leave this comes back to honest communication you want to be with this person forever just tell them how you feel all righty question number two all right this is bringing it back to the milky ick i sometimes get the ick after a first date i used to get it 95 of the time and now only about 50 i'm good it's like every single date you went on you had the ick and now only 95 of the time that's a lot of ick okay i'm gonna like jump in on this question i reckon we haven't even got past i reckon 50 of people i went on dates with gave me the ick though i feel like that's normal though 50 is pretty big i don't know i guess i know you got high standards no that would mean i was more icky no as in like you don't even you

don't even get on the date with them it's like you can't get the ick because you're like i'm no no no okay well i like where this question goes i'm good that i get a 50 percent ick i will send a message and say i had a great time i just don't see going anywhere to which they normally respond thanks for the message let's still hang out as friends of course they do yeah as they just want to put one like let's let's see if you change your mind as i'm an outdoorsy girl and i like activities they want to still go exploring with me hang out have fun i'm assuming this is because they think the first date did them no justice i say sure but then i never talk to them again or i stop replying that's not good i know people tell me you should always give someone two dates to

give them a chance but I think if my mind is made up at the beginning I shouldn't lead them on or put myself through a second date if I'm just not into it do you believe in the two-date rule can someone be better the second time around or if you know you know oh I definitely think people can be better the second time around hundred percent but I don't believe in the two-date rule I think you don't have like you don't have to force yourself to go on a second date with someone who everything in your insides is telling you that that's a bad day. But if it's like, if you're just going to rule out a guy because he ordered a glass of milk, maybe on the second date, you might realize that he has some wonderful redeeming qualities. I agree with what you said. I don't believe in

the two day rule because I don't think that's a standard that everyone should get two days. Absolutely not. But I am a hundred percent, a big believer and I've lived it and I've seen it with my friends that people can change in the second, third, fourth date. And it's not that they're changing but some people get really nervous on a first date some people aren't themselves some people don't know how to act they don't know what to say they want to impress you they withhold a lot maybe they give too much there are so many reasons someone might not be a hundred percent them sometimes i go on a first date and i leave and i was like what did i just do why was i like acting like that but it's something that sometimes if there's a lot of pressure on it or you're in an

environment you might not know maybe it's a setup and you're trying to impress them from a friend there's a multitude of reasons someone can be uncomfortable if you've got the ick straight up you're not going to give them a second date absolutely not you do not force yourself through an ick and also I don't think you can if you're ick from day one you can't recoup that also I mean like in what you just said I think when the stakes are high like when you really like someone when you go into a date and you meet them and you're like holy shit like I'm in trouble they're the sorts of dates where it's very hard at the very first meeting to be your a game because when the stakes are high you care you know you're nervous you're invested like it's harder to be

on your best and like bring the best version of yourself when you're nervous and worried about whether the other person likes you because nerves mean nerves are the way of your body saying this matters to me yeah and your brain's going like don't fuck it up and then of course when your brain's like don't fuck it up you probably say something you shouldn't say and you fuck it up do you know what i actually think of when you ask this question brit and i'm surprised that you didn't bring this story yet is it me or you no it's your sister sherry so sherry and jay um as you guys know if you've been a long follower of the podcast sherry she does a lot of behind the scenes for life uncut in the facebook community group go follow life uncut discussion group

but sherry met her partner jay who she's now happily married to on tinder they spoke for quite a long time before they actually met up i think like two months maybe and then their first date sucked like from all accounts between the two of them when they recount their first date they said it was incredibly underwhelming they thought that it would be the chemistry and the conversation would flow more easily but it was a bit jilted and it's because the stakes were high well it was because and i'm glad you brought that up now i remember but you're so welcome yeah thank you no they so they spoke they met when they were in different countries so sherry and myself were in peru and jay was in scotland and they matched online on tinder she literally had set her uh

we set it to scotland because we're moving there okay right so you were looking for like future boyfriend you're like one day two weeks time we'll be there so let's get set up yep we were like well a couple months we're moving to scotland let's just see what the men are like it's like buying your ikea furniture to arrive on the day that you get there and also your boyfriend it's like when i ordered a heater and it took four months and i missed it for the whole winter anyway it's irrelevant it's very different so they started they hit it off their chemistry was out of this world on text so for months i'm talking like 100 messages a day the banter calls it was crazy i was like this is wild to watch then their first date they came back and they were like Sharon I was

like how was it I mean actually I was on the date with him but then I left and gave him some time could you tell that it was a little bit oh it was so awkward Jay couldn't even eat he was so nervous he couldn't even finish his meal and we were like poor backpackers I was like are you finished with that schnitzel I will literally eat that please no I will eat that and they they went on a few more dates and it got slowly better but then they had a moment a couple of dates in where Sheridan was like I think we're just supposed to be friends then she's like I'll give it one more chance and that's when they got comfortable enough for it to be fucking amazing and it is they are six years now and they are just the most perfect couple but it was because and they say this

now there was so much pressure for it to be amazing because they'd put the pressure on themselves and then they get there and they didn't know what to do they didn't know how to speak they didn't know how to act but it wasn't a matter of the ick they liked each other they were great people there's nothing wrong with them so because they let it evolve and gave it a chance it turned into something amazing. So I think if you are not revolted by the person, because think about the times you go on a date, right? I know everyone out there, listen, and I say to you guys, there are so many times that you go on a date and you're like, I don't know. It was a bit, there's nothing wrong with them. Was there a crazy chemistry? No. Did we laugh and have a good time? Yes. And then you're

trying to work out in your head. Do you give it another time? Can something grow there? And a lot of the time it can so I think don't necessarily brush it off after one date yeah and I think that we sometimes we expect the fireworks and the chemistry and the insanity and the intensity and the ease of it we almost expect that too much like we think that if it doesn't have that then it must not be good but that stuff and I mean we've spoken about it for three and a half years now like that shit can grow it truly can the other thing that I just want to touch on from your question is you said I don't want to lead them on you know should I go on a second date or is that leading them on. Going on two dates with someone, whether you're invested in them or you're not

invested in them is not leading them on. You don't owe anybody anything after two dates. The only thing that at that point in time could lead someone on is if you're having sex with them and telling them that you're really invested in them, that's leading them on if you're not. But if your actions on that date are authentic to how you feel, if you're genuinely just getting to know the person, if you're feeling it out and you're kind of like, you know, maybe you have a kiss, maybe you don't have a kiss none of that is leading someone on that is all just figuring out whether you actually like the person and want to go on another date and if after two dates even if you kiss the guy after two dates you decide I'm actually not into them saying hey sorry you

know I'm not as into you as I thought I was you still haven't let that person on well you could date someone for a year and decide it's not right and it's not leading them on like you're allowed but you're allowed to change your mind changing your mind isn't leading someone okay leading someone on is purposely knowing that you don't like someone and making them for a prolonged period of time think that you do just so you can get something out of them. That's leading someone on so that, you know, if you're lonely and you don't want to be alone, they're filling your time or if they're just like a segue to your next relationship, like it's manipulating someone that's leading them on. Well, yeah, if you left the date and you're like ill revolted, but you

text them and said, had a great time, that's leading them on. Going on a second date, not so bad. All right, let's move on to the third question. Okay, question number three. I've been with my partner now for almost five years i'm 23 years old and we have a mature relationship for our age what i mean by this is we have a joint bank account and we've just bought 50 acres of land together to build a house and our future is pretty planned out it's a big house that's a big that's also a big investment like i mean amazing at 23 years old you know what you want i had a gut feeling and looked through his phone on saturday night and i know i shouldn't have done it and i've apologize for disrespecting his privacy but I found a saved snapchat message to a girl that

he's known for years and I haven't met her but it said I wish I didn't have a girlfriend so I could see your OnlyFans I brought it up with him and he's adamant that he didn't send it but it was at 5 30 p.m on a regular Monday afternoon so it was obviously him I told him that if it was a one-time lapse in judgment in the heat of the moment that he could tell me and we could move past it but he is set on denying that he didn't do it what's upset me the most isn't the fact that he wants to see another girls only fans you know I get it guys have needs etc etc etc but what's upset me is that he's told someone who knows that he's in a long-term relationship with me that he wishes he didn't have a girlfriend it has absolutely broken my heart and I'm finding it hard to move

past it how can I move on from this and forget it the other thing that has a bit of a red flag for me there is the denial oh that's like the one yeah you've been caught out like i think when you get caught out in something like this like it's physically there she's seen the message it's in your phone the only way i think i'd be able to move forward is if i approach this with him i had this conversation with him i confronted him and he owned up to it and said it was holy shit i'm i fucked up i'm beside myself i don't know what i did i don't i whatever his reason i'm not saying it's okay but the denial part for me saying it didn't happen what are you talking about like this level of I don't know if it was gaslighting but you're saying it didn't happen when you know

it did that's going to start to make you think did it happen could it have been someone else was it someone it's going to start to make you question your own well I don't want to say insanity but what you saw and maybe oh my god did I misinterpret it did I read it wrong do I remember actually what I said the ownership in this is imperative for me to be able to move forward at all well I think you completely hit the nail on the head and like the only thing I wanted to add to that is this is gaslighting that's quintessential gaslighting like if you have seen something if you know that there is a saved sent message that says sent from Fred to Sarah on this date on this date at this time that says I wish I didn't have a girlfriend so I could see your

OnlyFans look I mean it's nice that he didn't go and look at her OnlyFans and I mean it's a horrible thing that he wrote that's a really awful message to read because you never want your partner to say that they wish they don't have you in their life but it is the lack of acknowledgement and it's really hard to move past something when you have been given no validation. By him saying, I didn't do it and completely denying it and shutting down that conversation, it denies you any validation for your feelings because therefore he's saying, well, you shouldn't feel like that because it never happened. That is very manipulative behavior. And I know why he's doing it. He's doing it because he doesn't want to lose you. He's doing it because he doesn't want you to

be upset or offended or angry at him. And it's easy for him to dig his heels in and say, I just didn't do it because then he doesn't have to deal with any of the repercussions for his bad behavior but I do think it's very unfair of him to expect for you to completely move past this to be completely fine and to forget it without getting any validation for why you feel the way that you feel what he actually did in terms of the betrayal I mean it's up to you to decide whether that's something that you can overcome in time and I feel like for me if that had happened to me after x amount of years of dating someone after you know having a joint bank account owning property together and knowing that he was actually genuinely really invested in the

relationship I think personally I would be able to overcome that but I would need some sort of fucking apology to feel like my feelings were valid I 100% agree I feel like and again guys this is our personal opinion if we were in the situation I feel like if there was ownership and a discussion why he did it maybe for whatever reason but if he explains himself makes you feel like it was a huge mistake he'll never do it again and only then if you believe him and you can move forward because you're the one that has said this has unsettled me i don't i don't know how to move forward if you can't move forward this is very problematic yeah and because with the lack of apology and the lack of acknowledgement like my thought would be well maybe you're just

going to do it again because you're not sorry for it you're not sorry you've just denied it look the only way you say you want to move past it but you're a bit stuck at the moment because there's no ownership the only way for you to move past it is have a really fucking hard conversation and that's to be like call him out on it you're entitled to call him out on it if he's gaslighting you again and says I didn't do it just say look let's stop beating around the bush it's it's there let's call a spade a spade I know you've done it I saw it if you keep denying this we cannot move forward just put it out there lay all your cards out there you don't have to be aggressive you don't be angry you can do it however you want it's hard though isn't it because I guess in her mind

she's like I don't want to create an even bigger issue because she doesn't want to break up with him she wants to work through this she wants to be with him which is why she has to have the conversation in my eyes you could say that to him you could say this has bothered me this is really i don't know how to sit with this i don't feel comfortable i don't know if i trust you now can we talk about it because i want to move on excuse like what is he saying when he says i didn't do it like my friend took my phone and got my snapchat and then he wrote to my friend yeah like who is he saying sent the message is he saying that the message just didn't exist or is he saying that you imagined it like i would love to know i need more context please write back to us i want

know what he actually is trying to tell you that happened you know because like that is part a really important piece of the story like you can't just completely deny a message that's so clearly and obviously there he's like it was the optus hacker like yeah they took my medicare number and also sent sarah a message they got in my snapchat and everything ultimately the other part of this is i know that you say that you're in a very mature relationship and it sounds like it is a very mature relationship but the way he is behaving is not a mature reaction to doing something wrong and you know we can move past cheating cheating is definitely something that happens it unfortunately whether it's physical cheating micro cheating emotional cheating it

happens in relationships it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you it doesn't mean that he thinks less of your relationship it doesn't even mean that he's ever actually thought I don't want to be with my girlfriend there's many many reasons to why he has done what he's done and it could have just been a lapse in temptation but we're going to keep circling back on the same point and it's that you need validity for the fact that you have been hurt and if he hasn't and can't say sorry then you're not getting that so it's really hard for you to move forward and it's almost an unfair expectation that you have in yourself good luck i hope you find what you're looking for please guys if we've ever answered your question and you want to give us an update because it kills

us sometimes not knowing we're like did they work out what happened with that we love the ask uncut aftermath yes and we don't have that many more episodes before the end of the year so maybe we need to do a 2022 wrap ask uncut aftermath slide into the dms tell us the outcome of all of your saucy ass questions and we will get an aftermath bonus episode in the works for you and uh yeah one more thing if you fucking love the episode or you love life uncut in general jump on to apple podcast if you haven't left us a review yet because you're a cheeky little sausage uh this is your reminder that we would really love it if you could leave us a review share it with a friend And you know the drill, tell your mom, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love.

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