Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - He Cheated On The Annual Boys Trip & Wants To Go Again

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, and guess what, we're back. I bet you missed us so much. It was only a week, to be fair. A week and a day.

Starting point is 00:00:24 Let's not begrudge ourselves. And a day. A week and a whole day of episodes. People have been desperate. I feel like they're not going to like being called desperate. A week and a half without podcast material. I'd love to know what everyone was doing with their lives. I loved it.

Starting point is 00:00:37 I'm not going to lie. I missed you guys. But like sometimes we need a breather. Yeah, that's because you were in Italy. No. It's because we've done 800 episodes and sometimes we just need one week off talking. It's because you see us every day. We know you're sick of us towards the end.

Starting point is 00:00:50 But that's okay. A little refresh. How are you feeling now? I'm feeling good. Brittany's like, I'm still sick of you. Yeah, so it's been a bit of a week. It wasn't long enough. It takes longer than a week.

Starting point is 00:00:58 look guys as you know this is our ask uncut episode so we're answering your questions we are not catching up on the break that was but it was a hell of a break that was lots happened we both have updates Brittany you've been away frolicking and I was down the coast in Aladala with Matt for the majority of the time also drinking mimosas in between I was absolutely not I was just parenting two kids that were on school holidays because I was so excited to have school holidays like I was so excited for quality time with the girls and it was amazing but brit you said you're like i'm gonna ask you that question at the end and whether you're happy for them to go back to school and i was like happy to see them come happy to see them

Starting point is 00:01:35 leave yeah absolutely you're like thank you next well guys like i said we're gonna catch up on wednesday but we have some very big news to share with you on wednesday some very big news it is an episode that you don't want to miss yeah very excited don't want to wait till the next day 5 a.m. set your alarm because we have an announcement and it's very very exciting and it's coming on Wednesday if you want to speculate away speculate away am I still in Italy am I never moving home maybe I'm going 5 a.m. I thought we scheduled the episodes for six you know what just because it's a real special one we'll schedule it for five I reckon there are some early rises there are people at the gym at 5 a.m. I reckon this day only one day only it's

Starting point is 00:02:18 a 5 a.m. release what just before we went on break I cannot remember which episode it was but I checked at 6 15 and we had scheduled it for 6 a.m 3 700 people had listened by like 6 20 and i was like who are you i reckon why have you got it so together i reckon we can start like 5 30 okay the early gym bunnies yeah i mean it depends on who's scheduling the episodes because i do five but you do six so that's okay i'm happy to do five okay let us know we might do a poll okay we did a survey last year. But the 6am people don't care if it's out at 5. The 5am people care if it's out at 6. You know what? I reckon 90% of people don't care about this conversation at all. Well, you're going to care on Wednesday. You're going to care on Wednesday. That's all we're

Starting point is 00:03:02 going to say. Yeah. So like, look, it's going to be a very big episode. We're very excited for it. Anyway, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes before we answer your hot questions. Brittany, what is your vibe or your unsubscribe for the week? Okay. My vibe seems like something very simple but one very smart person has made this into a really big business so it is called contour cube and what it is so i am one of those people that i love cold water or ice on my face i wake up really puffy and i used to always go and get an ice cube and i used to put the ice cube under my eyes like while i'm walking around doing things for the first five ten minutes in the morning the water drips down your arm it goes into your it makes like your clothes wet drips all over the

Starting point is 00:03:46 floor it's a whole thing so the contour cube is literally a silicone like contraption that's maybe three inches long it comes in half pulls apart you fill it with water and then you freeze it and it's almost like an icy pole but you take it out in the morning you take half off and you've got a silicone cup that you're holding and you can just rub it on your face it's like a popsicle but it's it's not messy and you can also put different serums in it it's the most simple hack but this person that created it I remember years ago they went on shark tank it's genius it's absolutely blown up I'm pretty sure Kendall Jenner got their hands on it and it like blew up off the back of that so it's a big ice cube in silicon it's so basic but I wish I wasn't impressed as

Starting point is 00:04:29 I am because of how basic it is but it has it has actually just been so much easier for me because I usually walk around putting ice cubes so it's so simple it's called contour cube right what's your vibes and unsubscribes Keish I actually reckon I would get a question about this at least once every two days into my Instagram DMs for people who may not know I'm quite a big bust gal and a lot of women if especially if you're bigger busted it can be really hard to find a strapless bra that is like comfortable and still holds things up and in and you often have to pick between whether you want like a padded version that's going to really push them up as far as they can to your neck which has to be so tight that it cuts into your back or you have to go

Starting point is 00:05:13 for one that's like really full coverage and it will often have like five clips at the back so they don't look very good and they often don't look good under clothing. Nala is a brand that I have been a fan of for years and years and years. I actually have previously like years ago vibed one of their like bralettes because they make them in all sizes and I've spoken about how their inclusive marketing is absolutely phenomenal they brought out versions of strapless bras a couple of months ago and I've actually bought both of the types I do prefer the padded kind and when I say padded I don't mean like push-up padded I just mean like there's a layer that gives you the right shape or the shape that I like to have in clothing so it means that there's

Starting point is 00:05:54 like a bit of nipple coverage so there's no lumps and bumps yes I also have the version that doesn't have padding and it's, I actually would say that that version is probably a bit more comfortable, but I have been wearing the padded version more. I think it's really reasonably priced. It's $59 and they've got a couple of colors available, lots of different sizes. It's a Melbourne-based Australian business, which we love. So yeah, that has been my strapless bra that I've been wearing. I've actually been wearing it, I'd say at least twice a week, which for me beforehand, And I would avoid strapless bras like they had the plague on them because they're just not comfortable.

Starting point is 00:06:29 It's not perfect. Like, yes, I have to pull it up every now and then, especially if I'm wearing something that kind of drags my back down. But it is the best version of a strapless bra that I have probably ever worn. Wow. I need a new strapless bra. I also have the same strapless bra that I think I bought maybe eight years ago. That's how long I've had it.

Starting point is 00:06:47 Do you know what mine's done? It's so annoying. Mine's like, you know, when the underwire breaks through and it keeps coming up and it just cuts into your boobs. Both sides do that and I don't know why I just don't get new ones. Why do we persevere for so long? That's the real question. Well, it seems like none of us did anything highbrow during our holiday

Starting point is 00:07:03 nor did we read anything or consume anything. I had supported titties. Or did we do anything of any interest? My recommendation is an app. It's called Hey You. Keisha and I were actually talking about it in the car this morning. So I came across this app because recently I was at my local cafe. It was pretty busy.

Starting point is 00:07:19 I stood in line. I ordered my coffee and then I was waiting. and I was waiting and I was waiting and I was waiting and I waited so damn long for my coffee to be made but as I was waiting all these people kept just like popping out of their cars during like peak school run time walking up to counter and grabbing their coffee and going and I was like I'm sorry I know that they've ordered on some app I know it I was like but I'm the chump in this equation so it's hey you like h-e-y-y-o-u you can go on there and not the streamer no not hey you but like basically go on there you can search for your local cafes for me it's a cafe called shook

Starting point is 00:07:53 and basically the whole menus are on there or you can just get your coffee run on there so what you can do is if you're wanting if you're somebody picks up a coffee on the way to work and you can't really find somewhere to park or you gotta pull up and it's inconvenient xyz you can order it it'll tell you when it's being made it'll tell you exactly when that coffee's being made and put down and so you can run straight in grab it it's already prepaid all in the app as well i use it all the time now and honestly i'm constantly surprised by how many different cafes and restaurants are already on this yeah it's fantastic or if you just want to get takeaway and you're on your way somewhere, you can just put it into the app

Starting point is 00:08:25 and off you go. It's great. Or if you're running late and your boss is there to pick you up and you want a coffee, you can order it from home and pick it up on your way so that you do not delay your day. Perfect. The end. Love that.

Starting point is 00:08:36 Let's get into your questions. Question number one, I have a no-win situation. My partner cheated on me last year on his annual boys' trip and we have worked really hard to move on and make amends. He just started talking about where they're going to be going for this year's boys trip and I am devastated. I don't want to tell him not to go because I don't think it's right to tell someone what they can or can't do, but I'm pretty disappointed that after everything he's choosing to go again. What do I do? If I was him and I had cheated on the annual

Starting point is 00:09:10 boys trip, my relationship could have been lost on that. I don't think I'd be going on the annual boys trip again. I think I'd be doing everything I could to make my partner feel safe and loved and validated and all of those things. But, okay, I'm not him and he's obviously making the choice to go. This is really hard because my initial reaction is I absolutely agree. Like if that was Matt and he had gone on a holiday on his annual boys trip and he had cheated on me and I had forgiven him and I had worked really hard on rebuilding trust and he had done all the things X, Y, Z,

Starting point is 00:09:42 and then he was like, hey, honey, this year we're off to Japan, I would find it incredibly challenging. challenging to be okay with the fact that he was going away with the same boys the same group of people the same environment the same thing as what he had been on when it had happened before yeah not cool the only thing is is like I very much agree that if you've decided to rebuild trust if you decided to stay in a relationship and you've decided to work through it you also can't continue to bring up something and say well you did this last year so therefore you can't do this there is a level of acceptance and I'm not going to say accepting the cheating not that but like

Starting point is 00:10:22 you can't continue to punish and expect that he's going to do the same behavior if he's promised to not do it and you've chosen to stay the only thing is is the fact that he hasn't seen this as a red flag himself the fact that he hasn't been considerate or really gone okay you know what I fucked up last year really badly and there's consequences to that and those consequences are like I know I really want to go on this boy's trip but I'm not going to do it because I know it's going to make my partner upset. Like, I think that that is a shit thing that he hasn't just thought of voluntarily. However, it's not to say that if you don't sit down and have a conversation, not telling him he can't go, but telling him how you feel about it, he won't come

Starting point is 00:10:58 to that conclusion himself. I agree wholeheartedly. If you are accepting cheating and to move on and to be in that relationship, then it can't be something you constantly bring up. Having said that, I personally think you absolutely can say, sorry, I'm not going to be happy with you doing the exact same thing with the same people in the same situation where it happened you can move on in a relationship and trust and be okay with it and accept it but recreating the identical situation that got you into that trouble in the first place is I think okay for you to put that boundary and say hey we are going to move on it is okay but do I feel comfortable with you doing the exact same thing again no I don't so yeah this is a massive trigger for me yeah that's a conversation

Starting point is 00:11:40 that i think you absolutely can have do you go to him and say you can't go on the trip no i don't think that's the right way to go about it because he's going to get defensive and he will bring up those things and push that back in your face i have no doubt there's also big questions to me though that i have like because like obviously this question doesn't have all of the facts in it my question is what happened with the cheating were the friends cool with it were they complicit were the friends egging it on they know but like you know what i mean like did the friends know that it happened did the friends know that you found out yeah were they trying to cover it up like this I'm not blaming the friends this is absolutely his thing and his cross to carry

Starting point is 00:12:18 but you do have friends that are accepting of that behavior and you have friends that absolutely hold up a mirror to you and say hey you know what you fucked up on this trip that was not okay you know like and I know that that's probably on the rarer side of some relationships was this the case in this instance or did you find out and it was like downplayed and everything else because that's going to also impact your feeling of security around him hanging out with these friends I just don't think you're ever going to feel overly secure again on an annual boys trip with your partner going away with his friends at a place that he cheated on you like even you can do all the work you can you can trust him wholeheartedly I'm sure there is going to be that feeling every

Starting point is 00:12:54 single time he goes away in the pit of your stomach maybe it's in the background or it's a subconscious feeling or and I think that that's okay to have that feeling but you do need to be able to voice it like it's not fair on you to say you know what I accepted it I've put myself in this situation not when it's an identical trigger yeah when I very first read this I was like this is really shit but you can't tell him what to do but the more that I think about it the more I'm like you know what you can't tell him what to do you don't have control over him but you can tell him that this is not a decision that you were okay with and something that you actually think is pretty disrespectful considering what happened last year and I actually think you have to tell

Starting point is 00:13:35 him that and that's not you being overbearing that's not you overstepping the mark it's actually putting a boundary in place and having some self-preservation around what's going to impact you because think about it he's going to go away you're going to worry yourself sick you're going to be so riddled with anxiety and then he's going to come home and what impact is that going to have in your relationship when you cannot get it out of your head that you don't know what happened on that trip like will you be able to be fine with it or will this be something that adds to the insecurity and puts you backwards in terms of you repairing the damage that he did on the last boys trip. And I think he needs to come to a bit of a compromise if he wants to make it work with you

Starting point is 00:14:09 and make amends. The boys trip is a boys night. You're not away for the weekend. You're not overseas. You go and have a night with your friends where you've gone to dinner because he's always going to do that. You're always going to allow that. And that's actually okay. You know, you can't control him to the point where it's like, you're never to be alone with your friends again or without me. That's crazy. But this is the identical situation that got you in the first place have the conversation and say I know I can't tell you what to do but I do need to tell you how this makes me feel I'm deeply upset and unsettled by it I don't feel comfortable with it is there's another way around this like it would mean more to me if you could continue

Starting point is 00:14:43 to show me that you are trying really hard to make me feel comfortable and confident and that situation isn't making me feel comfortable and confident I think there's a big difference between control and consequences you're not being controlling he's actually having to have the consequences of his own behavior and his own actions you know I don't think you're controlling by saying hey I'm actually not comfortable with it because look at what happened last time and I had to go through a lot of emotional distress because of what you did last time this is now a consequence of your behavior yeah I don't think you can say this is a consequence for your behavior I think it's like hey you did this this caused so much emotional distress for me the fact that

Starting point is 00:15:21 you are entertaining the idea of going and it hasn't occurred to you how upsetting that would be to me, it shows me that you haven't understood the magnitude of the situation. And I know that we've gone a long way and we've made a lot of progress, but I'm not at a place yet where I feel comfortable with you going on a boys trip. I don't trust this environment. That's a much healthier way to say it. And I'm not there yet. And the thing is, you might get there. Take that advice. You might get there. This is not you banning him from going on boys trips for the rest of your relationship. You can't do that, but it might be in two or three years time. You feel like you've reached there. You're not at that destination yet and that's okay. And I don't

Starting point is 00:15:53 think you should feel guilty for the fact that you haven't reached nirvana in your forgiveness journey that's all right 12 months later yeah totally all right question number two how do i ask my boyfriend to stop playing with my breasts when i'm trying to relax or i'm trying to clean he adores them which is great but they are very sensitive especially for me before my period and i get turned on sometimes when he's doing it which is just not good when i'm trying to do things like wash the dishes or brush my teeth or literally just watch the tennis i don't want him to think that I don't like it and I don't want to upset him but really not sure how to approach the topic around him as it's something I find quite annoying the old titty grab mate oh bypass titty grab

Starting point is 00:16:33 before we cut to the chase of like you just gotta have a conversation with him okay can I say should we change the name of this podcast to just be just have a conversation with a guy no but let me be honest the amount of times when Matt would just like grab my ass or pretend to stick his finger in my arse or, like, grab me from the front. I mean, that's extreme. Like, any time I walk past, he just, like, grabs a part of me, which is, like, it's joking and it's, like, you know, a bit endearing and sometimes it's flirty and sometimes

Starting point is 00:17:03 I'm in the mood. He can't gauge when I am or I'm not in the mood because sometimes I'm, like, great and other times I'm, like, fuck off. Please don't stick your fingers in my butt as I'm walking past. It's really annoying. I don't imagine that that's ever not annoying. Sorry, but, like, if you ran up to me and stuck your finger in my butt at any time of day.

Starting point is 00:17:19 It's not in my butt. He, like, sticks his hand underneath, so it's, like, between my legs, but it's, like, right underneath. Oh, no, sometimes mine's, like, in the butt. Truly, I reckon this would be minimum 10 times a day. He puts his finger in your butt 10 times a day. Guys, what the fuck? What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:17:36 It's like I'm being long distance forever. Sad by how quickly mine came on, and I can't get it to go away. You just say, stop fingering my butt. He just loves it. He thinks it's endearing, and he thinks it's funny. Okay, here, Keisha, put your finger up his butt ten times a day. I do. Let's be clear.

Starting point is 00:17:54 He's not just jamming his finger in my butt. It's not doing it in a way that's like painful or it's just sometimes annoying because I'm not in the mood for it. It's just a cheeky butt grab or a cheeky, yeah, which, okay, the opposite side to this is that if he stopped doing it in entirety, I would miss it because I would feel like he wasn't giving me affection. I know. You guys are so messed up.

Starting point is 00:18:13 But this is the thing. There is no way to win. but it's also it's like hard to read the room as to when someone is after affection right because sometimes it's spontaneous and cute and other times and that's exactly what she's saying she's like sometimes I really enjoy it other times it's super annoying so how do I have the conversation with him and I'm like in my mind about this I'm like you can tell him that sometimes you find it annoying but you have to understand that it's also a hard room to read right and that's why I don't get angry and mad about it and that's why like I hope anyone listening to this isn't like oh my

Starting point is 00:18:41 good set boundaries that's fucking annoying I get it like I yes absolutely and when I'm touched out from my kids and I've had a bad day and like things are stressful I don't enjoy it but when we're having a really fun and like we're joking around there's nothing I like more it's a way that I know that he like still finds me attractive it's endearing and it's playful I guess it's just the read of the room as to when a time is appropriate or not and they don't always get that right I also don't always get that right sometimes I try and just grab him by the penis and he hates it. I'd do it anyway.

Starting point is 00:19:12 Yeah, me too. Yeah, see, we're all part of the problem. I hope that people relate to this and don't just think we're fucked, Gage. I don't know. I think we're fucked. Probably listening being like, you guys really need to stop them doing that if you don't enjoy it. But it's true.

Starting point is 00:19:25 If it stopped, I think I'd be like, are you mad at me? Why haven't you tried to grab my titties today? That's the favourite part of your day, damn it. That's different. That's different. 10 times a day of poking up the butt and grabbing the boobs, that is excessive. We also shower together all the time just because it's convenient

Starting point is 00:19:44 and I think, you know, it'll be a joking thing if you bend down and pick something up. Yeah, that's normal. Like, for example, I'll be in the kitchen and Matt will come up from behind me and pretend to hump me. Oh, my God, why are they the same person? He'll do it in front of his mum and his mum's just like, you too. I think that stuff is common.

Starting point is 00:20:02 But I don't think that I get confused when people say they're in a relationship and they're living together and they don't know how to approach the topic. You just say, babe, I've got my period. My boobs are really sore. Not today. Like I sometimes find these interesting questions because I'm like, are you uncomfortable telling him no? Are you uncomfortable saying that you've got a period? Do you think it's going to offend him? Like is your relationship quite delicate?

Starting point is 00:20:26 Or maybe the partner has a sensitivity to rejection. Yeah, but you're not saying I don't want to have sex. You're literally saying like, my boobs are so sore right now because I'm on my period. Like, so maybe it's about telling him, having a conversation saying, hey, I love it when you do that. But when I'm on my period, it's tough because my boobs hurt a lot. A lot of men don't understand the physiological changes in your body on your period. Like some people can't be touched on their skin anywhere.

Starting point is 00:20:52 And also some people, like it changes. I know you said period, but it also changes like if you had kids and you're feeling touched out. I don't question though when someone says hey I don't know how to approach this and the reason for that is is like you come to your conversations in your relationships Britt with a lot of experience we've dated a lot we've had the conversations and for us it doesn't feel like okay that's a big thing but for a lot of people who have very different relationships or relationships where maybe they don't have as much experience or they just come to it with a different set of

Starting point is 00:21:24 their own standards and exposure and everything else I think everyone is so different in a relationship I understand that but my messaging on this podcast clear as day if there is any conversation that shouldn't be difficult to approach it's if you don't want to be touched at a time with your partner like there are so many difficult conversations you can have but for me this is one that I don't think needs to be difficult and it's not offensive so like and I think that's what you need to make him understand if you're worrying he's going to be offended by this. It's just more of an explanation about like how fucked your body is feeling at that time. And it's not that you're not attracted to him. It's not that you don't want him to touch

Starting point is 00:22:00 you. So maybe it's an explanation for you of like how you feel in your period week or that 10 days or whatever it is. Then when it is your period time, you don't have to have a conversation. You can be like, Hey, period week, he knows. Grab the titty. It's a week that he's, you know, it's a week that he's more available to you in other ways. I think the question that you've actually asked is how do I approach the topic around timing? I think that's exactly like the way in which you have it is specifically around timing. Like, I don't want you to take this as though I don't like it, but there are some times when I love it and there are some times when it feels so annoying and that's because boobs are weird and they respond differently to hormones.

Starting point is 00:22:38 And you know, when it's that time of the month, I don't, or if I'm like in the midst of watching tennis, I'm not in the mood and grabbing my boob is not going to get me in the mood. It's going to get me annoyed so like please don't you know like think about the timing before you do it her problem is it's annoying because it does get her in the mood she's like damn it I didn't want to be horny now I think for me it's not so much the physiological side of things like that absolutely is a factor but it's more so the psychological it's like have I had a big day where I'm just like fuck off get off me I've had an annoying day and I'm just tired and I don't want you doing that I don't know what your relationship is like if you have the type of relationship where you can

Starting point is 00:23:14 just say that and he's not going to take it personally just be bold with it and that's how I handle it anyway but I can't get it to stop so maybe it's not good advice I know I was like we can give you advice but it's made no difference in our relationship so fucking bon voyage and good luck to you all right question number three I'm currently six months pregnant with my first baby and it has taken me and my partner over five years to fall pregnant so it's a huge deal for us and we are over the moon. Well, congratulations to you because that's amazing. I have, however, noticed more and more recently as time goes on

Starting point is 00:23:49 throughout the pregnancy, the lack of people in both of our lives who don't seem to want to be involved in this next chapter with us. I have various friends who have literally dropped off the face of the earth since finding out I'm pregnant and who have not once checked in to see how I'm going. My partner also has family members who have not messaged us once to ask how we are after we announced or even ask how our pregnancy is going. Everyone seems to comment the same thing, how excited they are to meet the baby once it's here, how excited they

Starting point is 00:24:19 are to have a new nephew or grandchild or cousin, etc. But I'm feeling upset that so many of his family members and my own don't even check in on us or just ask how I am during this time. Now, I am of the mind that once our baby has arrived, these people who weren't there for us during the pregnancy shouldn't get an open invitation into meeting the child if at all. How would you look at approaching this and what would you do in this situation? Am I overreacting?

Starting point is 00:24:48 I mean, you've been trying for five years. This is a huge, huge thing. I think that sometimes with really big things in life, it's really sad because we can be disappointed by the people around us. And also people get really excited initially and then they go back to their normal lives because the pregnancy just kind of feels like almost like a waiting game for them I know a lot of massive changes are happening for you

Starting point is 00:25:10 but for a lot of people who are busy and just living their own lives this is kind of like an on hold period you might get a oh how you been you know how are you going and you'll get that sort of transient catch-up but I would be curious as to whether this is something that a lot of people feel when they're pregnant and I guess like the only you will know how disengaged your family and friends have been? Had they purposely become less engaged or are they just not more engaged? Like, is that the difference? You said that some friends have dropped off the radar, which I'd be interested to know, like, was it you told them you were pregnant, then you basically just didn't hear from them. That obviously is a very unique situation.

Starting point is 00:25:46 But did you expect an increase in their responses, care, everything around your pregnancy for a prolonged period of time? And the reason why I ask that is because I think it's very interesting on the flip side when it comes to things like grief you lose someone in your life you go through a massive amount of grief and people instantly rally they're all around you they're all there for a very short period of time and then you know that wave of collective support kind of goes the same thing happens after you have a baby you have a baby and the village rallies they make you meals and they're there and they come over and they make tea and then that baby's like three months or six months and the village is kind of not rallied anymore. I think we have a very short attention

Starting point is 00:26:30 span for stuff sometimes, especially for exciting moments for other people's lives. Yeah. Do you know what it is? It's not that. And this is coming from somebody that has had so many people in their lives have babies and hasn't had one themselves. So I cannot speak from your experience, but I can speak from your other friends and family's experience. I have no doubt they're so excited for you and they can't wait to meet the baby like they've said they've said that but for them it's not happening to them like nine months is a long time you're feeling the changes every day and your life is the one that's about to change dramatically and it's really hard sometimes to understand what someone else is going through or what is happening

Starting point is 00:27:11 to them and by somebody not constantly checking in on you it doesn't mean that they don't love you or that they're not excited or they don't deserve to meet your child but you know even my sister when my sister was pregnant so she told me she was pregnant I was over the moon couldn't wait then what you know every couple of weeks I'm like how you going how's it trackling send me a belly photo like so it sounds like I had more questions than your friends have but then there'd be a long time where I just went about my life and a part of me forgot she was pregnant because we are at the age where people do just live their lives and don't want this to come across the wrong way because I don't know you so it's not personal yeah and we also don't know how disengaged a

Starting point is 00:27:49 family and friends they could be hugely disappointing or they just might not be living up to the expectation like the spectrum is vast and we don't know this is what i say i don't want this to come across as rude because it's not personal i don't know you i would say this to anyone in this situation you are not the priority for a lot of people in this situation because most people they might have their own kids they might have businesses they're running it's like your pregnancy is not the front of mind for a lot of people when they're trying to like just get through their own day to day. It doesn't mean they're not thinking about you, but for you, I understand why that can feel like a very lonely thing. When it's the biggest thing happening in

Starting point is 00:28:24 your life. Yes. When it is your biggest thing. And I would be so upset if people in my life came to me and said, you didn't check in on me enough. You're not meeting my baby. Like, I think that sounds like a really drastic step to say you didn't check in enough. You don't get to meet my child but having said that we don't have the information around your family dynamics anyway like it was it already a bit broken a bit scattered it's really tricky because everyone's pregnancy is so different some people they just cruise through it other people have really hard pregnancies and it's really challenging and there's so much morning sickness and there's so many changes and every day feels like a fucking slog and I think if you are having a pregnancy

Starting point is 00:29:05 that's like that and your friends aren't checking in and you've had a really hard time you feel this disconnect because you're like well I mean I haven't been around because I've been fucking unwell okay that's why thanks for checking you know and I guess it really does come down to the circumstances around it I'm trying to think about in terms of like me and my pregnancies I would say also it gradually diminishes every time you're pregnant when I think that that's why it's so disappointing for you is because this is your first pregnancy it is a huge deal for you and it's something that you've wanted for so long but I think from my experience was like first pregnancy there was a lot more interest second pregnancy a lot less interest and like you know

Starting point is 00:29:43 people just think you've kind of got it by the second time around I think the first course of action if there are people specifically like I mean obviously you seem to be disappointed across the board but if there are people who are you are actually really close with whose friendships and family members you value deeply and you know you want them to be a part of your child's life because you can't just have a kid and cut everyone like that yeah and that to me shows that people in general aren't meeting your expectations because maybe your expectations are high and that's okay but I think you have to communicate what those expectations are or communicate a little bit with them around like hey I've been really feeling a bit isolated in this pregnancy journey like you

Starting point is 00:30:23 know can I talk to you about it or not that I expect you to ask me all the time about it but I feel like you don't ask me enough or at all like I think it's okay to have those conversations with your friends it doesn't have to be accusatory it doesn't have to be with animosity it can be calling people in rather than calling people out the second thing I want to say as well because I don't know who of your friends have had children and haven't had children what I realized after having my own kids is that the way I was prior to having children was not the right way I had no concept of how much or how little I should give do you know what I mean and so I even remember one of my good friends who I used to share a shop next to her name was Asha I was in my mid-20s

Starting point is 00:31:05 I was fucking slogging it away at Tony May I was working in the shop every day she was pregnant and then she had a baby and she would bring her baby to work some days and she was really struggling and I understood that she was struggling and I was you know I would always talk about it and I was there for her it wasn't until I had my own baby that I actually had an understanding of what that meant like I look back on that time and I'm like I fucking do not know how she survived that. She is incredible. That would have been so hard. And she was surrounded by like 22, 23 year old girls and none of us had kids. So none of us could easily relate to her. She already had another baby at home. No one could understand. It was crazy, you know? And so I think

Starting point is 00:31:44 that sometimes, and I'm not saying you have to have walked in the shoes to have empathy or to have understanding, but it definitely goes a long way with motherhood. Like it is, it is a fucking wild beast. I do wonder if you're that way too, like ask yourself if you're that kind of a person in your friendships generally or your relationships generally outside of being pregnant. You know, we often get people writing saying, I do so much for my friends and I make a big deal on their birthdays and they don't make a big deal on mine.

Starting point is 00:32:08 Like different people have different ways of showing interest and care and love. So maybe that is something that you need to accept. But I'm sure that these people will be, you've literally said they've said they can't wait for the baby to come. The interest and excitement is there. It's just not about you. It's not about your pregnancy.

Starting point is 00:32:25 it's about the baby and that can feel like misplaced excitement yeah the other thing as well is is like I definitely wouldn't be ruling people out when you say like I don't want them to meet the baby because they haven't been there for me during this give them a chance to show up post-pregnancy because you might be surprised you might have family and friends who are like all right it's our time to rally like that postpartum period that fourth trimester is a lot and you will be surprised the friends who get it and who show up and who are incredible during that period especially with your first baby who bring over food who want to come and meet the baby but they don't just come and hold it they come and help they come and help you know like there's a

Starting point is 00:33:04 difference to what people provide so like I hope that this is just a part of people not understanding and it's not actually an indication of people pulling away when you're going through what is like one of the best parts of your life yeah I'd hate for you to take that too personally and cut these people yeah all right well next question I've been with my partner for almost four years We have always spoken about getting married and wanting kids and if anything, he was the one who when we first started dating told me that he would propose within two years. Little did he know how much rings can cost.

Starting point is 00:33:34 They don't have to cost much. They don't. That's not an excuse to not get married. That's not the reason. Our anniversary is coming up next month and I'm pretty convinced that he's going to propose to me on our anniversary or around that date because I've seen emails from the jeweler and text to my mum about it on his phone.

Starting point is 00:33:50 I haven't gone looking for information or taken his phone it just always happens to be the case that these notifications come up when I'm sitting right next to him and he is showing me something on his phone I feel really bad for knowing this information and also because I've always told him that you'll never be able to truly surprise me because in another life I feel like I worked for the FBI doesn't every single female feel like that just don't snoop I want to be genuinely surprised when he does it but not sure that that will be the case do I tell him that I have seen it and that I know he's going to propose? Or do I just play it out? What do I do? Bro needs to turn his notifications off. If you're trying to pull off the ultimate surprise,

Starting point is 00:34:27 like anyone listening right now, you put your phone on do not disturb, you stop notifications, you put the, you know. Mute it, mute. But you know, when it comes up and you can put like preview text or preview email, turn them off. Also, can I just say something? I know you're like, I feel like I worked as the FBI. I don't think that's the case. I think your partner's just really sloppy and lax with the privacy settings. If it just means you're looking over. his four years he's been the laziest man in the world with his privacy settings he's like whatever do not tell him this is my advice enjoy it don't overthink it it's going to happen you've been together a long time you've told him you've seen something cool you know he's gonna lock it down

Starting point is 00:35:03 you know he's gonna ask you so just take a step back and enjoy the ride now like if you really said you want to be surprised by it be surprised by it but I think telling him and overthinking it is going to take away from the moment. Yeah. And I, I mean, the thing is you can know that he's going to do it. You can have seen emails from a jeweler. The reality is, is like the fact that he wants to get married to you shouldn't be that big a surprise anyway. You know, the fact that like an engagement is coming probably for most people who get proposed to, unless you've never talked about proposals or weddings or anything, it's never a real surprise. It's just the timing that's a surprise, right? It's the when, the where and the how that's a surprise. It's the day that's

Starting point is 00:35:43 a surprise it's the what they say that's a surprise if you're actually completely completely surprised that your partner proposed like you never thought they were gonna do it that to me is like did you not have a conversation ever that's fair I was just thinking about all of my friends one of them might be in the room Brittany who thought that it was you know they thought they had the rough timing of when it might happen whether they've got a holiday or most of them it's holiday things oh no straight up I thought it was in the Maldives like an event coming up they will all go and get their nails done they will all make sure i reckon 90 of my friends who have thought that that was happening didn't happen when they thought it was going to yeah i've had

Starting point is 00:36:22 multiple friends go to europe i've had some go on like romantic weekends away 10 year anniversaries that kind of thing where they're like surely totally don't get me wrong like i said at the time i had no idea of course i thought he was going to propose guys like i mean i didn't want to ruin it for him i didn't want him to be disappointed but of course i thought that there was a good chance. I was seven months pregnant and we knew we were going to be together forever. And we went to Fiji. And he was setting up a tripod in the set. Yeah, the tripod was the giveaway. Can you wait there, babe? I've just got to set this tripod up. Fiji on a holiday that he completely planned and I didn't do a single thing. I was like,

Starting point is 00:36:57 green flag. And then also he was like, hey, let's just go for a walk down the beach to this secluded area. When our villa was on the beach, we could see it. It's the same sunset here or there. And so then we walked. This seven-month pregnant woman waddled her ass down the beach and I was like, why the fuck are we walking? And I was like, I bet you if I see a tripod, I know what's happening. So I had suspicions, everyone. Well, I was in the Maldives with my white dress every day.

Starting point is 00:37:24 I was fucking every day. Five white dresses. Because I thought, and this is the only reason the surprise worked, I was like, cool, it is the most beautiful romantic place in the world. if you saw our villa i die i actually die it was i was like this has to be why would you not do it on a secluded private island in the most beautiful villa that you'll ever go to but i was wrong and he did not do it and whilst i wasn't certain he was going to do it because i'm really good at trying to set expectations for myself i hate being let down i was aware it could have happened so i

Starting point is 00:38:00 was not guaranteed it but i was prepared in case and then i did feel a sense of disappointment afterwards because I was like oh wow I didn't think I'd feel the disappointment but I am the reason the surprise works when he did propose is because we were seeing my sister in Europe literally 10 days later with my sister and Jay so I was like oh my god it's a hundred percent going to be in Europe with my sister he knows that that would be like really meaningful to me so I didn't think that he would do it a week early on our own so that is why the surprise came but the disappointment I felt because I was overthinking it don't feel that just like you're in love you're happy just embrace the that is going to happen yeah and I definitely think don't tell him there's

Starting point is 00:38:40 no there is no need to have a conversation because I mean if you think it backwards what's the outcome that you want from him if you say hey I saw the messages to my mom and I saw that you're planning a ring I know you're going to propose what do you want from him in response he's going to say oh yeah I was planning it he'll probably put it off do you want him to tell you the time like what is the outcome you want from that conversation and my thought is there probably isn't an outcome if he hasn't proposed in a year's time and you're like hey dude I saw the text messages to my mom I saw that you were planning a ring I feel as though I've been waiting for this thing that we've been talking about then that's a way different conversation and I think that that's absolutely

Starting point is 00:39:19 valid and warranted but in the interim don't ruin something that will still be incredibly special even though you know that it's coming I think just like enjoy what it is and the reality is regardless of whether you have an idea or not it will be a fucking amazing it will be amazing and it's going to be a surprise because you're not going to know exactly what or how or where you're not going to know what he's going to say you're not going to know what the ring looks like so how much snooping she does well stop it stop it miss fbi cia all right well look guys that is it from us for ask uncut like we said be sure to be listening to wednesday's episode because it is a biggie that's for sure if you've got any ask uncuts for us you can slide into the dms with them you

Starting point is 00:39:57 can also join our facebook discussion group and also just leave reviews and do all the other stuff do it all just all the stuff just do all the stuff send it to your friend listen to it a few times on a couple of different devices you know all the stuff five stars reviews great okay well we're gonna see you back on wednesday for the big one 5 a.m everyone 5 5 a.m ish maybe 5 20 we can't be sure and remember to mom to dad to dog to friends and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - He Cheated On The Annual Boys Trip & Wants To Go Again

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