Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - He Doesn't Want Me To Use Our Embryos

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

Hey lifers and welcome back to Ask Uncut where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions! First question of the day is who is your 'hear me out' character (which fictional character are you attracted to)? Laura revealed her attraction to Barney the dinosaur by accident the other day and Britt is quite the fan of the ninja turtle Leonardo who would be in their 40s/50s now... Keeshia has a question about tipping etiquette; how do you feel when the tip is automatically applied when it comes to pay and if you don't want to tip, you're expected to select to remove it? Vibes for the week:Laura: The Mailroom coBritt: The Trial of DiddyKeeshia: Christophe Robin Scalp Scrub Then we answer your questions! HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO USE OUR EMBRYOSMy ex husband left me & after 4 years of IVF. We have embryos in storage (we have one beautiful little IVF baby girl) who is my entire world. But I would love to make her a big sister one day too! He has so easily just said let’s donate the spare embryos. I am mortified by how easily he has suggested this and absolutely not interested in donating, I want them! They’re my babies. I walked through the toughest times of my life undergoing IVF and on my 8th transfer, I got my beautiful girl. I’m 33 and I don’t know if I should freeze my eggs and get a donor sperm .. or wait till I ‘might’ meet someone. PSA - I will continue to pay for storage for my embryo babies as I love them too! I also didn’t see our marriage being something that would end but he clearly fell out of love with me & left me 10 months postpartum. CHRISTMAS WITH PARTNER’S FAMILYI have been invited to spend Xmas with my partner's family interstate (we are mid 20s and dated for almost 6 years). My family has been disapproving/disappointed when I told them about not having Xmas at home and tried to guilt trip me out of accepting the invite. However, I really do want to go. How do I approach the topic again with them and is it wrong to spend one Xmas away from your family? THE SEX ISN'T GOOD. HOW DO I NAVIGATE THIS? I've been in a relationship with this guy for 6 months and everything is great. He is a wonderful guy and we share the same sense of humour. He could be my person, however there is one glaring problem. The sex is not good. He's a jack hammer kind of guy where he seems to only be interested in pleasing himself. I have done all of the things that you would normally recommend; we have had the conversations and I have tried to softly guide him to do the things in the way that I like it. The problem is that he does the things I like for about a week and then goes back to the jack hammering. How do I navigate this? How important is having great sex in a relationship?    You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. And Britt, I have a question for you today. So you guys might have seen, if you listened to Tuesday's episode, I don't know how we arrived there, but we were talking about people that were hot or things that were hot. I know how we arrived.

I just told you I met my hall pass and then you told me that. You didn't meet him. Yes, I did. He waved at me, Keisha. He made eye contact and then blew me a kiss and said, Brit, I'll call you later. He was on the floor above us waving to the entire crowd and Brittany's like, it was me.

He was making eye contact with me. To be fair, he might have. He did. He looked down and went like this. What was his name again? Jonathan Bailey. Don't ever forget. Yeah, sorry.

Jonathan Bailey, Brit's hall pass. One of them. And somehow we got onto like unexpected hall passes. It wasn't even, I don't even think it was a natural segue. It wasn't actually unexpected hall passes. We just started talking about Big Bird and then Barney came up. Don't include us in this. I can tell you how the conversation went.

I said, is it okay that my hall pass is gay, Jonathan Bailey? And you said, fuck Brit, your hall pass could be Barney for all I care. That was how, it wasn't an organic segue. You just threw it in my face. Well, we put it up on socials yesterday and some people got it. They also could see how Barney could be a vibe, strong jawline. I get how inanimate or fake people like characters can be hot. I get that.

But Barney's not it. Could be hot. You take Barney then. I'm taking Aladdin. Thank you. That was what I was going to ask because it kind of kicked off yesterday. A few people messaged me and were like, hey, this would be my character hall pass if I was going to go for a cartoon.

Aladdin is very, very high up there. Or you know who my other one would be? Who? Hercules. Wouldn't be mad about it. A bit dumb, but you wouldn't kick him out of bed. Nah. A ninja turtle.

Nah. Oh, man. Which one? Oh, Leonardo, maybe? You reckon? Blue. He's ripped. They're all ripped.

They're fun. That's what I mean. They're fun. What about Sensei the rat? You can have Sensei. That's kind of odd. There are some super hot characters. Donna just pointed out a really important flaw in this.

They're teenagers. Oh. Oh. Oh, that got weird. Not even only weird because they're turtles. No, because the title is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah, all right, Bonnie Blue, settle down. But they wouldn't be teenagers anymore.

Actually, that's a good point. Teenagers are still 18 and 19, which is of legal age. This is true. This is true. I had a couple of other ones I just wanted to rattle off. Tarzan, hot, could do it. Too dumb. Yeah, but it's okay.

It can't help that he's dumb. He hasn't been around people. He's been out there with the wolves. Also, the fox who plays Robin Hood. Have you seen that one? that guy the fox no okay yeah it's just weird to me the animal angle's weird like at least I went with Aladdin who was a human you've got this real affinity to these animals well they're very personified it's been a trend on TikTok it's called the hear me out the idea behind it is

hear me out but this character is hot and people have been listing the people that they find attractive my biggest problem is that like a lot of the TikTok audience are Gen Z right and so they're talking about movies or Disney shows and whatever that I have no idea who they're talking about because there's that gap in the generations where I haven't seen a lot of the cartoons for the past, I don't know, decade. Well, hence why you come to Life Uncut and we're doing a TikTok trend two weeks later. But also hear me out. I've got two more. Eric the Prince from Little Mermaid. Hot. Would. You would. It's concerning to me how into this you are. Because I watch so many kids cartoons. And get off on them.

So many. Like, what? Like, what is the link? I'm so confused. This is true. This is true. And Mufasa, very good. Mufasa, I understand.

He's got a vibe. Yeah, he's got ribs. Back to the animal thing. Okay, that's it. That's all. It's really terrible. Back to the animal thing. You're welcome, guys.

And you can all think about it yourselves. Just take a little mental note. Who's that animated character that you find hot? I don't find it strange that you find the human, like the personified versions of cartoons attractive. I do find it somewhat strange when they're very animalistic. Like Barney really threw me for six. When you said Big Bird, I was like, Big Bird?

I know. I think more Kentucky Fried Chicken when I think about Big Bird rather than like, oh, yeah, I could date Big Bird. I would like to be clear. I didn't think Big Bird was hot, just Barney. Why did you throw him in there? What have you got against Big Bird? What the fuck did Big Bird do to you?

I thought he could be your hall pass. We've talked about this for too long now. Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it at all, to be honest. I'm like why are we still here I have a question for you guys and I guess this is kind of like my own ask uncut in some way and it was based off of a situation that happened the other night when we went out for dinner and it's a place that we've been to before you know how they often will print out the receipt that you your bill right and they'll bring it to your table and then a couple of minutes later someone will walk around with either an f-boss machine or an ipad this one was

an ipad for me to pay and as I went to pay for it I noticed that it was roughly I'm trying to do the math in my head. It was about 15% more than what the printed out bill had said. And in my head, I was like, oh, maybe it must have like a service charge, you know, or is it a public holiday? You know, I didn't really understand why. And as I was tapping my phone onto the screen, I realized that they had automatically selected on their own iPad for me to tip. No, that's cheeky. If I had have wanted to not tip, I would have had to select a different button. So it had already kind of they had already assumed that I would be tipping and they had put the amount in

for me to just directly pay good way to get the tips though do you think that's really unethical I thought it was really sneaky and it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable to be honest we do preach a lot about know your worth maybe they know their worth maybe they're like I am worth a 10% like this bitch was pain in the ass to deal with it is awkward like I always feel awkward when they hand you the iPad and they're looking sometimes they'll look away and give you the respect of like you put your payment details in you put your tip and I won't do anything sometimes they stand over your shoulder and they watch as you're picking the tip you're really uncomfortable when they're standing next to me because I feel as though it's this like implied

if you don't do it you're a really bad person and sometimes like the price of going out for dinner right now is really expensive and I don't want to come across as a real tight ass and I have no problem tipping if I've had really nice service or if it's like a special event this was like a chill dinner down the road from somewhere that we order from all the time it wasn't exceptional service it was absolutely fine it was absolutely average five out of ten nothing to complain about I got exactly what I expected out of that situation I feel a little bit strange about the fact that in Australia where we're not a tipping culture it's becoming that you're not a very good person if you select no tip and I felt really awkward about it being automatically

assumed that that was what I was supposed to do no it's not I don't think it's implied that you're a bad person. But I would go against that and say we are a tipping culture, but it's not expected. It's like you have to tip in the USA. You have to. You don't have to do it in Australia, but we are a very largely tipping culture still. Do you think? Yeah, I do. The difference is though, is that our salary is not based on a tipping salary. So the reason why it's more compulsory in the States is because their wages are subsidized by the tip income that they would make. Yeah, they get $4.50 an hour and then they make their money on tip. Totally, which is absolutely not the case in Australia. And I think it depends on what the

services that you're being provided? Like you're paying for exceptional service. Did you get 10% more from that service? And also I think it's different if the restaurant, for example, some restaurants have a cheaper price for takeaway versus their price that they have for the items which you eat in store. And I think I know the restaurant that you're talking about Keisha and their prices on their items if you eat in store are already slightly more expensive. So they've already marked up their tip in that. So then to put the tip on and expect that you're going to pay for a tip as a mandatory to eat there, that to me just feels cheeky. I thought it was a bit cheeky too and no one wants to feel like a tired ass to go back and be like no tip for you

yeah while they're watching too well this was not a fancy this is not an event I think it depends on the restaurant I mean I do tip I don't tip it like you know if it's a $50 meal and I'm talking like you know takeaway that we decided to just eat there there's hardly any service you get your own water like I'm not tipping for that because there's been no service but if it's a nice sit down meal where someone's actually come spent the time to bring my food to me and brought me a napkin and all that sort of stuff. Like absolutely I'll tip, but I think it depends on what the situation is. You're not tipping for the person who put an ice cream into your ice cream cone. You're not tipping for the person who made your coffee. So why are you tipping for something that

feels like a takeaway, but you just sat at a table? That's because coffee in Australia is like $10 a cup. I've also just realized the thing that confuses me the most, you know, the QR codes where you order yourself. I love a QR code because it means that you can have a scroll through. There's no pressure on you to make, you know, the time of which it's really easy to split the bills but when you get to the end and they're like do you want to tip i'm like for what i ordered myself i think i did it myself you should be tipping me yeah but the good thing with that is at least you pay for it as you go so like no one's watching you say no tip to that that's the problem it's not about whether you should or shouldn't tip the option is there

it's when the ipad is brought over and it's the expectation that they stand there for you to do it in their presence that's the difference and i think like yeah thank god for the qr code system all about that. Okay. So I guess what I'm saying is that my unsubscribe for the week is assumed tips on an FBOS machine when you haven't actually told the person that you want to tip them. What are your vibes for the week? Assumed tipping. Okay. Well, my vibe this week, look, it's coming into Christmas at the moment. And before I say this, if you're a mom and a dad, or if you have little kids around you at the moment, please skip ahead. Yeah. Like right now.

Right now. I don't want to spoil Christmas for any children and I will not be responsible for that. So like I said, if there are children anywhere within your vicinity who might listen to this, run to the stop button and stop it. Okay. Do you reckon that there's many kids listening to Life Uncut? We do swear a lot. We do, but I think there could be a couple of moms who like playing it while they're cleaning the house or might have kids ambiently around them. Okay. So I feel like I've given you enough buffer and enough warning now. My vibe for this week is a company called The Mailroom Co. Now it is a small business. What they specialize in is personalized letters from Santa Claus. I'm on the website now. They're $54.99, so $55 each. And what you can do is you

can go on and you can personalize a message from Santa, but it is so much more special than that because the packaging that these come in looks identical to what you would expect something that came from the North Pole to look like. They have the most incredible little stamps on them. They're all calligraphy handwritten. They have like a little wax emblem on the back and the thought and the care that has gone into creating these little customized and personalized letters from Santa are amazing. And when I got the one, which especially with the one that was written for Marley, cause she's starting school next year, it made me cry. It was so beautifully done and I cannot wait to give it to the girls. If you're a parent, like I said, I think that it is such

a beautiful idea. And the fact that it has been created by a female led small business, like get behind it. I didn't realize, and I'd be interested to know from other parents, but I didn't realize how young some kids were changing their mind. I still even know you've put the warning in. I'm trying to still be a bit diplomatic here. How young kids were when they're changing their minds about their idea of Santa. I was listening to Vogue and Joanne on My Therapist Ghosted Me

and Vogue was saying something about her little boy and how he mentioned something the other day about how he doesn't believe anymore. And I think he's like five years old. And she was really shocked. And she talked about the way she handled it. And she's like, well, don't you ruin that for me because I still want my presence.

Don't you say that out loud. like she was trying to lean in and but I was really shocked at I was like is that the age it's happening now like five years old I would have been that age but I think it's because I had an older brother who's like ruined it for me that's really sad for me because like I remember I mean Marley's five and she absolutely believes wholeheartedly and for me it's really interesting the things that she does believe in and the things that she doesn't so like Santa Claus and the tooth fairy and all that there is no question she believes in those things absolutely but like monsters no they're not real you know like she she picks and chooses the things that

are fantasy unicorns yeah unicorns are real just haven't seen one yet like she still has this really beautiful imagination around the things that she believes in but I vividly remember the time that I was told the alternate and I'm still also being careful about it my cousins and my sister one day were like guess what and I remember how much it ruined it for me I was devastated when I found out devastated I don't remember the age I don't know the moment there wasn't a moment I I think it was like a slow burn for me and I probably faked it a few years to get more from my parents. No, mine was like an instant moment of revelation.

Also, maybe Santa Claus is hot. Okay, continue. Santa Claus is 70. Oh, I get it. Overweight with a beard. Your love language is gifts. Daddy vibes with Santa Claus. You're cooked.

Father Christmas. You are actually so cooked. I thought you would have preferred Rudolph, to be honest, with the animal theme. He is unique. All right. What is your vibe? He's a leader.

Okay. So my vibe is a vibe that I have sort of vibed multiple times before. And I say that it's same, same, but different. You guys might remember the podcast I have vibed a few times. It's called The Trial. Lucy Letby was a big one that I vibed. She was the nurse that is now one of the biggest serial killers in the UK. So what it is, is the series is The Trial, but they keep focusing on different cases.

And the one at the moment that I am deep in is The Trial of Diddy. So it's a look at what is happening currently to whatever you want to call him, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Sean Coombs, whatever. So it's a journalistic look into what is happening. And so they always go into the trial as it's happening and then they come straight back out and they put a podcast out that day. With this one, with Diddy, because the trial hasn't officially started yet, but he is in prison, they're doing a lot of different interviews about people that were in his life and just

doing, at the moment, they're sort of talking about things that happened, what it looked like the lens we have now, but they were interviewing people that, you know, he personally hired to go to his parties. The story is so horrifying and there are so many complexities to it that there's been a couple of times where we've discussed whether or not we would unpack it on the pod. But I think the fact that it is an ongoing case and the fact that there is so much to it and so much backstory and so many people's stories that intertwine into it, I would worry that we wouldn't do it justice or wouldn't be able to report on it correctly because it's a constantly moving case I will absolutely listen to this because I like I said I find it fascinating

but horrifying at the same time and I think anyone who's been reading into some of the details around PDD the details around it haunt you like it is absolutely petrifying what went on it's interesting to me that this information is coming out now because I've seen like a documentary that's been released it was either on Disney or Prime I can't remember but I flicked and I thought oh I really want to watch that but it's so new that you've got to pay for it it's interesting to me that they're able to make content around this because the trial hasn't happened yet and I'm not saying I'm not saying that to delegitimize any of it whatsoever I absolutely believe the people who are coming out with these stories it's only interesting to me that if they come out in the

media are they then able to use it in court because of the whole like fair trial situation you know how they're like you can't influence a story that's going on in court by public perception and whatnot it also shows the incredibly blurred lines now between entertainment and also like real crime. And I think that our insatiable appetite for wanting to know things as it's happening, like access to the courtroom, access to the trial, we've had it in the past. And so it's become the expectation now with these really massive high profile cases. It also has things like, and I guess you don't know the credibility, right? Like it is a journalist. It's supposed to be as factual as possible, but they have sources come out that know his treatment on the inside at

the moment, the way he's being treated in prison, that he's getting slightly longer showers and he's getting extra time and things like that. So it's called the trial. Literally anywhere you get your podcast and you just go through each season is about a different person. Interesting. Well, my vibe for this week, to be completely honest, if it wasn't getting high on our own supply, it would have been the interview that you did with Elizabeth Gilbert yesterday. So we released that episode yesterday. It is one of my favorite episodes of Life Uncut ever. It was one of my favorite interviews too. I just got so much out of it. She speaks about relationships and love and grief in a way I have

never ever heard articulated she speaks about being single listen we kind of rephrased this and we put it as single needs a rebrand but she speaks about this thing called emotionally autonomous and how she feels so content in her life now being on her own and doing things in the way that she wants to do them because they bring her joy not because she's throwing herself entirely into a relationship and how she's been able to be a much better writer and produce a lot more content because she's not wasting a lot of this energy pursuing relationships in the way that she used to. For anyone who doesn't know who Elizabeth Gilbert is, she's the author of Eat, Pray, Love. So she is a hugely prolific author. She has had many number one bestsellers, but also

she speaks about aging. And I think as a woman, this idea of like losing your looks, losing your value in society, but how there's actually benefits and positives to that as well. She was remarkable. She was one of my favorite interviews we've ever done. Well, my actual vibe for the week is for any of the either oily scalped girls or girls who are sick of having to wash their hair every day. Now bear with me because it's not the cheapest product I've ever recommended. It is called Christophe Robin Cleansing Purifying Scrub with Sea Salt. Now it's 250 mils and it's $72. But I had one of these jars for an entire year and I used it once a week. So the way it works, you get literally a tablespoon. That's all you need. It is the most emulsifying product I have

ever used and you just pop it into your scalp exactly how you do a shampoo and you lather it up and you leave it for a couple of minutes so whether you want to do that while you're like scrubbing the rest of your body or maybe shaving your legs or like whatever you do in the shower I don't know you can take a couple of minutes to let it kind of sit in there and you rinse it out your condition is normal you will need to wash your hair half as much I don't know what is in this magic it is not like any other scalp scrub I have used it has something in it that just works 10 times more. So yeah, I have been absolutely loving this product. As I said, I've used it for over a year now. I really took my time with recommending it because I know it's not like

the cheapest thing available and it has made me need to wash my hair twice a week maximum, sometimes a little bit less. Oh, I can't do that. I think because I go to the gym every day, my hair sweats so much. You have to try this because I can sauna in between and it's still okay. It got rid of all of my dandruff. I don't know how it works. It's got magic inside of it. Okay. All these salt scrubbers, scalp scrubbers. It is called the Christophe Robin Cleansing Purifying Scrub. It's available at Mecca, at Adore Beauty. I think you can get it from its own website as well. And we will put all of the links to our vibes on our website and they're also in our show notes.

Okay. Let's get into the questions. Question number one. My ex-husband left me and after four years of IVF we have embryos in storage. We have one beautiful little IVF baby girl who is my entire world but I would love to make her a big sister one day too. He has so easily just said hey let's just donate the spare embryos. I am mortified by how easily he has suggested this and absolutely am not interested in donating. I want them. They are my babies. I walked through the toughest times of my life undergoing IVF and on my eighth transfer I got my beautiful girl. I'm 33 and I don't know if I should freeze my eggs now and then get a sperm donor or wait until I might meet someone.

PSA, I will continue to pay for storage for my embryo babies as I love them too. I also didn't see our marriage being something that would end, but he clearly fell out of love with me and left me 10 months postpartum. Gosh. Oh my God. That is so hard. That's so hard. And I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

there's no clear-cut answer here but the one clear-cut thing is unfortunately to use embryos you need to have both parties say that it's okay you need to have consent from both parties even if the embryos have been made so Ben and I have embryos and we both have to say yes when it's time to actually implant them or donate them or whatever it is it has to be consensual from both parties so this is obviously the issue here is is you don't agree on what you should do it sounds like the only thing that he is going to agree on is that he doesn't want from the sound of it he doesn't want you to use them i have a question for you brit it's very personal did you and ben have a big conversation prior around all of the options like if you break up what happens to those

embryos if you stay together but you have more than the amount of children you want to have what do you do with them did you have that conversation before you froze embryos yeah we did we did have that conversation and we went so far as to talk about if one of us dies what happens because that's a whole nother question if someone unexpectedly dies I feel like if someone dies like go for gold I'm not here to stop you well no have them all you still have to have that written down legally yeah everyone has to have that discussion and you have to have said what you want because there's no oh well he's passed away like I think that's why Elodie Pullen when we spoke to her, it was so difficult for her to do what she did. And in case you don't know that

Elodie's partner, Chumpy, passed away really suddenly in a shallow water blackout. And within like 24 hours, they had retrieved sperm from him to use. But that was very difficult because they had to go to his family really quickly, get all this consent, get lawyers involved within like a 24 hour period. It's not easy. So talk to me about what you guys decided. Well, we decided, I said that if I passed away for example I said Ben can still have them if he wants if he wants to go and have that baby like with a surrogate that's fine but I didn't let him use my eggs because I have eggs and embryos so I don't want him to go and just go for gold after I'm gone I just said look we already have babies you can use them I also said that I would donate them to

my sister because you can put people that you want to donate down but we didn't pick a certain option if we split other than we both have to agree so you don't have to write down that they'll be disposed or that they'll be donated but we both did agree that we would happily donate them if we both agreed we don't want them and we're separating I said I'm happy for someone else to use our baby because because if I can help someone else in their life but I don't want to know the person that was my issue so I don't want to watch my baby grow up in the next suburb that was just a personal decision for me but if I can give someone else that life then I said yeah also So donation doesn't just mean donation to a separate family who may want to use them.

You can also choose to donate them to medical research. Yes. So embryonic cells, they're stem cells, right? So you can, through different processes, turn them into different types of cells that you may want to use to study. And so a lot of people, instead of having their embryos destroyed, they can choose to put them down a medical research route as well. Comes up with a lot of ethical questions.

A lot of people feel uncomfortable about that because of the emotional connection that they have to the embryos yeah absolutely this is such a hard one and I feel so genuinely fortunate that I've never had to walk this path so I don't want to give people advice and I don't really want to tell people the impression that I have or the way in which I would navigate this because I've simply never been in that situation and what a privilege that is I think though and this is not answering these questions it's more so to people who are considering this for the future I really think that you have to have the conversations first about what it is that you would do and agree on it. And I think even in your situation, Britt, it's kind of tricky because I know that you kind

of say, okay, well, if we break up, we're going to come to an agreement. We can't do anything unless we both agree. But then what if you find yourself in a situation where you simply cannot agree, which is exactly what's happened to this couple. And it's almost like going into marriage and talking about, okay, well, how are we going to navigate things if we separate? It's another one of those big decisions that you have to make in life. Well, the thing is here, and I say this from experience, I understand how she's feeling because, and like you just said, Keisha, it's easy to say, yes, you can donate them to research. But I never thought, I don't even know how to explain it. I never thought I would have an attachment to an embryo, right? Because I've

always been pro-abortion and I always thought if I was in a position that I fell pregnant and needed to have an abortion I always thought I could easily do that I've never been in that position I'm very lucky then when I had these embryos and you guys might remember but when I did my first round and I only got the one and then it was not viable with life and I had to I don't even know what they call it destroy it I don't know the term but you have to destroy it there was this real sadness that I felt because I was like it's actually my baby now like Ben and I have created that and I know that that would turn into our child and it was this really weird feeling of it's so it's a cell it's so small it's not but then there was this attachment that I had to it

well it's the start of it yeah yeah so well it is it's a it is the child right it's made it's just that it's still at that cellulose tiny level but I understand why you have said you're happy to keep paying for your storage because you you don't want to make the decision where you're saying they're gone I'm going to either destroy them or donate them unfortunately for you here all you can do and this is what my suggestion would be if you if you know you don't want to donate them to someone else. You don't have to. You can't use them unless your husband says to. So I think your best option here is if you've said you're happy to keep paying for storage, you can only pay for it for I think it's 10 years. So if you want to hold on to those and keep paying for the storage

and see what happens over the next 10 years, that's what I would suggest you do. You don't really have that many other options because you both need to agree. So your only option now is to hold on to it and hope that maybe he changes his mind or maybe you feel a little bit differently about what you want to do with them. But I really feel for you. I really do. It feels like such a futile situation if this occurs like this position because paying for storage is not cheap so you're then throwing money away for within one decade to be told that they have to you have to make a decision regardless so you are essentially just kicking that decision down the track and you're not only kicking the decision down the track you're throwing money away by doing that as well

and that doesn't seem like a responsible decision it feels like you're almost offsetting a big and hard decision that you have to make because you don't want to make it now. And I would guess that if you and your husband have separated and he's made it clear that he doesn't want you to use those embryos, I don't think he's going to change his mind. Maybe in this very, very clear situation and to respond to this person's question, sit down and have a really honest conversation with your ex-husband around this, around how hard this is for you, whether or not there is an option for you to use them. And if he's very clear and black and white on it, then I think it would make more sense to make that decision now, rather than trying to make it in 10 years time when it's

taken away from you anyway. But also you did ask one other question here. You said, I'm 33. I don't know if I should freeze my eggs and get a sperm donor or just wait and see if I meet someone. I think if people have the opportunity to, and they have the access to the funds, because it's obviously not cheap, it's always a great idea to consider whether or not you want to freeze your eggs because it gives you more options down the track potentially. So if you want to do that now as a 33-year-old, freeze your eggs just in case. It might give you a sense of like, okay, there's more time to make decisions in that sense, rather than holding onto these embryos that you have to make a decision about at some point. I think egg freezing could be a really good option

to give you peace of mind. Remember when, this has still been going on until recently, Sofia Vergara from Modern Family, her and her ex-husband, you guys might know, his name's Nick Loeb but they have been in an open court battle for years about their embryos because they split so they had embryos they split Sophia doesn't want them and her ex does it is such a hard discussion because he's saying they're still my children like I still want them to live and she's saying yeah but they're mine too and I don't I can't imagine that feeling when two people so feel so passionately about their unborn child but ultimately she will always win like ultimately two people have to say so they just won't they won't ever be created but this was like a three

year court battle I want to be careful with using the words like unborn child because for a lot of people they are just a collection of cells and they are a potential of hope I think that it can get very ethically ambiguous when we're talking about comparing frozen embryos and a collection of what eight cells to a child but for the person who's written this question in I think the reason that this is even more complex for you is because you do have an IVF baby so you do have the result of one of those embryos being transferred and so for her I think there's a lot of an emotional connection to them because there's there's the possibility that you could have that love again you know and that's maybe why you're finding it so hard to let go of and I do think that that's

really important only from the perspective of like and I talk about this as someone who has had an abortion I don't conflate my abortion as being the same as the children that I've had and there will be people who disagree with this there will be people who there will be absolutely but I do think that there is a point as to which that changes and like you know obviously everybody has different feelings around this but it's very hard to be pro-choice and also sit on the on the fence of being like at every single stage of conception that is a baby I think that there is like, yeah, it's, it's a really ethically hard question to unpack. It's because it's, it's also linked to whatever your current situation is. Like this feels different because it wasn't easy for

you. You did eight rounds to get your one child and you know that your hope, exactly like you said, Laura, your hope and your chance remains in that freezer. And I think that's going back to Sophia and her husband, that's probably exactly the same feeling. He might very well feel like that could be his only chance. He might also very well feel like that is his link to stay connected to his ex. That is his link to money from his ex. You do not know the situation and it is so murky. But yeah, like I just said, there's no other option here for you to do other than continue to pay your storage and have those conversations with your ex-husband. Yeah, far out. It's such a big ethical decision, isn't it? Okay, question number two. I have been

invited to spend Christmas with my partner's family interstate. We are in our mid-twenties and we've dated for almost six years. My family has been disapproving and they're very disappointed when I told them about not having Christmas at home and they've tried to guilt trip me out of accepting the invite. However, I really want to go. How do I approach the topic again with them and is it wrong to spend one Christmas away from your family?

Oh, it's not. No, it's fine. Tell your family to suck it up. No, it is fine but it's also laden with guilt on both parts and I felt that. I'm 37 and I'm going away for Christmas this year and I still feel guilty because it's such a special time for a lot of families. I totally understand it. It doesn't sound like you feel guilty. It's just your family that's making you

feel guilty. What I usually do, because I have spent a few Christmases away now, I try and make that time up either side. So for this Christmas in a few weeks, I'm going up and we're having a family Christmas before Christmas. So like we all get together, we do a Kris Kringle, you know, a couple of weeks before, I think it's the first weekend of December and then I'll go away for Christmas. And it's, it's a part of growing up. Unfortunately, you can't spend every Christmas for the rest of your life with your family. Maybe you can, and you're very lucky, but at the end of the day, there's usually two families involved when you're married or in a relationship and you need to sort of share your time. I think for a lot of parents, I can only imagine it's a really

heart-wrenching milestone. Absolutely. To see that your kids have gotten to the point where they don't need you anymore. And that even makes me emotional. You can tell I got my period today. I've cried three times. Fuck. Like I'm crying over Christmas. What's wrong with me? What's actually wrong with me? I feel like I want to spend Christmas.

Because I love my family and I miss them and I want to spend it. But, yeah, it's like it's a time for your parents, like I think give your parents a bit of grace because, yeah. That's exactly what I was going to say. Thinking about when the time comes when Marley and Lola one year say, oh, hey, mum, I've got a boyfriend and I don't want to spend Christmas with you, I want to spend it with their family. you'll chain them to the bed obviously well yeah maybe not exactly but that will be really hard

because it's a it's a letting go of what has been your family's tradition it's a letting go of what was your nuclear family like the family that you spend all of your time with and and just realizing that actually you're not a little girl anymore and you're going to be spending that time with another family now i think it's really really important that either you guys do alternating christmases so like this year you might spend it with his family next year you both spend christmas day with your family that works really well in some households or even as you said Britt like spending time before or after however I do think that sometimes Christmas day can become a real sticking point and if you're always the family that's sacrificing Christmas day because the

other family has something bigger or more interesting or whatever else going on I think that that's when you know it can become a real sore spot in a family yeah I really look at this and I think that this is just such a huge transitional part of your life and for your parents life as well and you can even have a really honest adult conversation with your mom who is the one who's making you feel guilty and say mom I know this is really really hard and I love you and I love spending Christmas with you and with our family but you also have to know that I've now been with my partner for six years and this is just a part of the fact that I'm also an adult now and we have to kind of negotiate different families I wonder how she would respond

to that because you know I think even though you're in your 20s sometimes we sometimes when we're back with our family we instantly act younger like we instantly act like the child instead of like having the conversations that are like quite adult conversations with our parents god I don't do you no I think it depends I think I'm such an adult in my family I feel like my parents are children Tony you're a child no but I mean I just understand why it's upsetting and I mean to maybe put myself back in that place when I was in my 20s I remember I spent a lot of Christmases with my ex-boyfriend's family and I don't think I ever appreciated how hard that might have been for my family I knew it caused a bit of a bit of tension but I

was kind of like get over it whatever I get to make my own decisions but now I look back at it and I go oh of course that would have been hurtful yeah especially because he's a fuckwit yeah I know right and I'm not even with him anymore exactly I think the big thing here to say to your parents too is is just to lean into the fact that you have been with him for six years and this is your first Christmas away so either your partner has been spending them with your family or you and your partner have been spending them apart they're the two options for the last six years that's a long time so I think you can just say that to your to your mom and dad too and also just make sure you like do it like the compliment sandwich so you're like you guys know this isn't easy like I want to

be here this Christmas I'm going to have to go and spend it with him but doesn't mean I love you any less. That was a really good compliment sandwich. I don't love you any less. Buy me a sick present. But their roasted ham is nicer than yours. Yeah. Sorry. Go where the food is better. That's my advice. No, the presents. Go where the presents is better. Be superficial. I'm a food person over a present person. I'm a location. Go where the location's better. That's tricky. Is one like on the beach and one is, you know, like I'd be thinking that through. Does one have a pool? It's hot on Christmas in Australia. Okay. All right. Next question. Question number three and i have a sexy one for you well actually it's kind of unsexy so i've been in a relationship

with this guy for six months and everything is great he is a wonderful wonderful guy and i really think that we share a very similar sense of humor maybe he could be my penguin however there is one glaring problem the sex is not good now he's kind of more of the jackhammer kind of guy where he really seems to only be interested in pleasing himself now i have done all the things that you would normally recommend. We have had the conversations. I have tried to softly guide him to do the things in a way that I like it. The problem is he does it for about a week and then goes back to the jackhammering. Lovely. How do I navigate this and how important is sex in having a great relationship? I mean, how long is a piece of string? That's the question here. Is

sex important to you in your relationship? Because some people don't care much for sex. Some people are happy to live a life where they love everything else about their partner and the sex is mediocre. However, some people don't care much about sex, but I think even the people who don't care much about sex still care about bad sex. Like if the sex is not good, even if it's infrequent, it's not good. Are you thinking about the radish? I'm thinking about the woman from Harry Potter. Her name has just blanked my mind when she's like, it depends if is the sex good? Because if it's good sex, I'd take the sex. But if it's bad sex, I'd rather have a radish. Miriam Margulie.

That's it. But it's, okay, how bad is the sex? Is it just okay sex and not great? Or is it like I can't stand this and it's uncomfortable and it hurts? And how important is sex to you? They're the two questions you really need to ask yourself. For me, I think sex is important. I wouldn't want to have sex that I hated or I thought was pretty mediocre.

For the rest of your life. For the rest of your life. And you're also only six months in. I just think we all need to harden up a little bit. I truly believe this. I know you've tried the soft guiding and you've tried to sit down and talk. I think next time he does it, tell him to stop. Just say stop.

That is so uncomfortable for me. I'm really not enjoying that. Let's try something else. Just like I think we just need to take a little bit of ownership. He'll probably be relieved at someone taking a little bit of control. But if he knew that you hated it enough to write into a podcast to be like fucking SOS, it's so bad. He'd be mortified.

Well, I don't know if I agree because the thing is, is you've had the conversation and you said that he would then correct it for a week he like pays attention to your needs he then tries to get you off and then that goes out the window and he goes back to the thing that pleasures him I kind of think he's not taking it that seriously like it's like oh she asked me to clean up the house so I did it for a week I've done job done it's like he seems to be prioritizing his way of pleasure over your way of pleasure and maybe that's how he gets off is like he needs it to be like but that's why I don't think too far no that's yes a lot of people do get off like that a lot of men get off like that but that's that's why I think maybe she hasn't been hard enough if

you've had that conversation once before I can guarantee you it was a soft conversation like no one goes in hard on the first convo everyone tries to like beat around the bush or or be like let's try this or I think sometimes you need to cut the bullshit especially when you say you've tried other things I think we just need to be more forward and be okay with saying what we want What would you do if you were in a relationship with someone and the way that they got off was something that you didn't enjoy? So, for example, let's say you don't like deep-throating and the only way that they were able to come was, sorry, this is very graphic, but just go with me, was by deep-throating. And so there was a very obvious mismatch in the way in which the two of you feel pleasure. I'd call bullshit.

There's not one way to get off. There's no one in the world that's like, I can only get off by holding your head on my dick. Like, he's just full of it. He's been watching too much porn, if that's the case. Yeah, and there's always other ways to figure out what would work for both of you. And that's what you guys need to do. Like, the jackhammer doesn't work for you. Maybe you on top doesn't work for him.

So let's try something else that will get you both there. Or maybe he's got to get you a first and then you let him jackhammer for a minute. I don't know. Like, I don't know what the answer is, but it's not to lay there in silence. like the answer is definitely to have a more harsh conversation he's i always think of it this way that conversation will be uncomfortable but what is worse is them thinking they're doing a good job and you hating it to the point that you are talking to other people about it like that is a conversation that can be fixed in your relationship yeah and also i think the problem with these types

of things is the longer you leave it the harder it is so if you've been having sex a certain way for a year that's way harder to correct than if the sex isn't great in the first month you know 15 years deep totally it's not impossible to correct I don't want anyone to think that like you can't have a better sex life no matter where you are in your relationship but I think it hits different when you're like hey that thing you've been doing for the last six years I haven't actually enjoyed it and I'm only now being truthful about it and you need to hit different and you need to you need to hit different exactly so maybe it needs to be a bit more pointed in terms of like not just describing what it is that you want but a bit more pointed in like hey

we had this conversation it was really great for me for a week and then it feels like you stopped caring about the things that pleasure me and get me off and just went back to what was priority for you and and I don't know I kind of you you said that he's a really amazing guy and he's really funny and you share all these other great similarities and and like you know he he kind of levels up in all the other ways and things that you want in a relationship but I also don't think that we should be settling for someone who only levels up in a certain amount of categories. I mean, I think if sex is important to you, it's important to you. And it has to also be something that is fulfilling for you. But I don't think that you have to discard the relationship because he's

not able to get you there right now. I think that there are many more conversations that need to be had. And if you do have it more directly and he does turn around and in another week's time just does the same thing, then I would be going, okay, well, is my pleasure a priority for him? And is this something that I'm going to be okay with for the rest of my life potentially or the rest of this relationship? Yeah. You'll also start to build a lot of resentment and potentially get to the point of no return. Yeah. You're not going to want to have sex with him. That's what I mean. It's going to get to the point where you get the ick because your every single feeling that you have is a direct response to that action. So every time you have sex, you're going to develop a

feeling of like, I don't want to do this. I'm not going to get off. I don't like this. I'm not enjoying it. You're not going to want to do it anymore. Then that's going to build resentment. then you're going to have an argument and it's all so avoidable at the end of the day also just say to him I'm never going to come like this have you ever been in a relationship where the guy was great but the sex wasn't and it never got better Keisha's nodding no I haven't I haven't but that's because I didn't really date I wasn't in a lot of relationships I have dated people where the sex has not been compatible but I've had those conversations early and we've figured out what works for both of us it's only not compatible because we liked different exact this exact

conversation I like different things I have had this exact conversation what was your experience I've had the experience where like it's fine but it's definitely not good it reduced my desire you know it reduced my kind of capacity to want to have sex all the time and I think that whether that had an impact on how successful the relationship was probably like realistically if you don't have that much desire for them to be intimate it probably does reduce the longevity of how long you can be together but I think it depended on the period of life that I was in and how much kind of stability I wanted in my life I suppose because I think often you can have really lustrous sex and like that really animalistic type where you maybe can actually

be more confident with saying what you like because you don't really care if you offend the other person. I think for this person's question, it's, it's hard because the six month mark is kind of where things start to get a little bit more serious. And if you leave it too much longer, it's really awkward to bring up, but you can't necessarily bring it up at the start at risk of them getting so offended that they're like, well, I don't want to keep dating you. And I think I didn't, I mean, I can be a little bit conflict adverse and I didn't really say much. I would maybe guide and say what I actually know. Maybe this is my advice. Keep repeating what you like. Because if you repeat it enough and they're still not picking up on it, then that kind

of gives you an indication as to who they're going to be in other aspects of life as well and whether they want your perspective and whether they're keen to pleasure you. Yeah, but I don't, they're past that. You're past the point of just being in sex and being like, stop there. I like that bit. I like that bit. And also one thing you said there, Keish, that I want to make a note on is like you said, you're conflict avoidant.

This shouldn't be a conflict. This is not a conflict. This is just a set. and I think we sometimes put it on ourselves when we build up the anxiety and that we're nervous and we feel like we're going to offend someone and when you bring that energy it make it sometimes makes the situation something that it's not have you ever had someone say to you I don't like that stop doing that when you're like being intimate with them well no because most guys just do it most guys don't have the same issue as women right like most guys it's easier we all know it is

easier to pleasure a man than it is to a woman that's that's a fact is it okay maybe it's nitpicking but maybe it's not conflict avoidance maybe it's people pleasing because you know that would make sense yeah like maybe it's not this feeling of like I don't I want to avoid conflict because obviously it's not going to end in a row like no one's going to get angry about it but it does sort of like really I think if you're someone who is a people pleaser who doesn't want to tell someone that they're doing a bad job because you don't want to disappoint them or hurt their feelings you want to keep everything pleasant it makes it really hard to tell someone that you're not enjoying what they're doing that is supposed to be pleasurable to you the only

reason why I think that this situation is different is because you have said it and he did it and now he's choosing not to do it again. So he knows he's just either a little bit lazy in the bedroom or he prioritizes himself. And so I think be careful with how much you have to remind someone of the things that you like. You know, we have this conversation about everything else in our lives, right? Like if you've got to constantly tell your partner that they've got to clean up after themselves, that's going to get really annoying real quick. If you're constantly having to tell your partner that they have to be softer or go down on you for a bit or like be gentle or whatever it is in the bedroom that's going to get really fucking annoying after a while what i'd

recommend every single person does right now if you're listening to this is go and have this exact conversation with your partner tonight literally say hey i was listening to life uncut today if i was uncomfortable with something you did in bed would you or someone your partner would you want me to tell you or would you like how would you want that conversation to go because i have these conversations with ben all the time about these ask uncuts like i ask his opinion i'm gonna 100 tonight ask him this question and say if i was unhappy with someone with you in bed would you want me to do it differently i have one more question to add to that yeah and because sometimes it's hard to bring up sex questions with your partner because you're like when is the right time

here is your litmus to go forth and ask whatever it is that you want today i was listening to life on cart and they said to go and ask your partner, what is the one thing that you would like to do in the bedroom that you're not doing? So like open that conversation up, ask your partners, like, what is the one thing that you would like me to do that I'm not doing, or that you would like to try that we haven't tried yet. And if you put it on us, it makes it way easier for you to say it to them because it's like, Hey, I'm just doing my life on cart homework. I'm not just coming to you with like my random request about wanting to use a vibrator on this or that. Like it will give you the opportunity to open it up without it feeling like it's on you not about just how you want to

be pleasured but like but like bringing something new into the bedroom yeah you guys thought you came to life uncut for just an easy listening experience but now you have homework to do and you must report back but i think a lot of you will find and we'll go put some polls on life uncut i think a lot of you will find your partner's answer is going to be like yes please tell me if i'm doing something you don't like of course i want to know and i think that that'll take away that stigma attached or the nervousness that you have and then you can be like thank fuck because I hate when you do this. Well, that is it from us, everybody.

Some down and, well, actually, I was going to say down and dirty questions. Actually, none of them were down and dirty. But, you know, we did our best. If you have a question for us from Ask Uncut, you can slide into the DMs. You can also send us an email with your question, and we will do our absolute best to answer them next week. Send us spicy ones. Send us your big life dilemmas.

We want to hear it all. And don't forget, to your mum, to your dad, to your dog, to your friends, and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.