Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - HELP! I can't orgasm with my partner and who gets the dog.

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Therapy Thursday has arrived!This week we have a couple that can’t climax together, a couple that are fighting over who gets custody (of the dog of course) and a another couple facing the very common issue of “is the grass always greener” Join the conversation @lifeuncutpodcast or join the facebook discussion group also very aptly names Life Uncut PodcastDon’t be afraid to hit 5 stars, subscribe and share the love, because, well, we love love.Thanks to today’s sponsor Marzena Natural wax strips, the worlds first sustainable at-home wax strips! Available from Marzena.com or PricelineSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Into the microphone this time. Bring it. Hi guys and welcome back to our very special episode of the week. at this is ask uncut think of this episode as a warm hug your free therapy session where we answer all of the deep dark and dirty questions that you have been writing into us well not all of them we pick out a select few and we answer them personally i still love how every episode you call it this is a very special episode and i'm like nope this comes every thursday it's still very special it is i mean all of our episodes are special to us but i still love that that's how you sell it what have you done in the last few days Laura surely you've done something fun in this lockdown I just

realized my headphones aren't working it's very disappointing I go rogue now I don't even use them I don't I just don't feel comfortable I feel so naked podcasting without headphones on I like I'm out there wild and flapping in the wind I sleep naked do you no oh no okay that's a lie I don't sleep naked but in undies but that's it I have to sleep with undies on because otherwise i feel too free like like what if something i don't know like what is gonna happen what if matt thinks it's an invitation and i'm very tired oh my god don't touch me worst nightmare you can never be too prepared or too cautious ladies protect yourself i did actually see that you did um a bit of an art class this week on uh your daughter's face today i had a very productive

day everyone this is what brit's referring to this that was a subtle jab very very productive day working from home I just drew some eyebrows on Molly and that took me about two hours because that's that's what well you had to contour them shape them highlight them guys having a brows on fleek is very time consuming and also very important stockpiling all of the embarrassing photos of her so that I can whip them out of her 21st because that's what parents are for if you haven't seen the photo go and have a look it's on Laura's Instagram it's at lady and a cat in case you weren't sure that's my Instagram you're welcome come on down to instagram town very subtle laura subtle oh don't no no no britney no no no what

have you been up to but it's only been 24 hours since i've seen you but what have you been doing look at you swirling your wine around i had an event for 24 hours i filmed a dance video a risky business in my underwear tom cruise dance video oh you've joined the tiktok ranks no it wasn't even tiktok just the same but similar content it sounds beautiful i'm really proud of you but i had a lot of fun doing it i i miss dancing i miss going out and just having a really good time and when i was like running around my house in my undies sliding across the floor i just thought i cannot wait until i can get into club after corona what is the club in the club is that like a mother's group is that is that what a club is now i don't even know do

Is that when you push your prams and you go for a walk? Is that a club? You and I are going to go to the club when this is over. No. Yeah, because we have to celebrate our million here. Actually, by then, maybe two million. That is a surefire way to make me feel extremely old. I will stay away from all clubs and all young people having fun.

Speaking of TikTok videos, though, and guys, if you're having a bad day, this is going to make you feel so much better about yourself. I read on the news today that there was a 27-year-old mum who broke both her ankles trying to create a TikTok video. What an absolute legend. That's definitely not what she was. But I really feel like this is just going to drive the point home and that is that we are all too old for TikTok.

I think if you're 22 and above, you're too old for TikTok. I think I need to tell Matt this as well since he's really embraced the whole thing. No, look, TikTok's fun and it takes your mind off things. But what I want to know, like the real question here is, what TikTok dance was she doing? Do you know? what's oh i don't know i don't know how to sing it but it's oh nana sing it please i don't know

well i thought it was the oh nana what's you know it's definitely not that it's like some oh nana rap no no no it's not that stop let's let's stop doing this okay well anyway she broke her ankles that's very unfortunate so guys don't try that at home let's not shall we get into the questions i reckon all right if you're still with us at this point what are we what three minutes in three minutes in guys here we are that's what laura says when she's on us two things so for anyone who has written in questions this week at life uncut podcast to instagram or on our face group page which is life uncut podcast as well i don't know why that was so hard you know it's called facebook not face group did i say face group on our phrase face group page

oh man life is really difficult anyway look thank you for writing in your questions we do take this really seriously we feel so incredibly privileged that you trust us with our opinions with our feedback with our life advice but we just want to say to everyone who does write in we we so deeply appreciate it and it's it's good to know that you know we all go through these different hurdles in our lives at different times and you are so normal because i guarantee we have probably been there and done it ourselves 10 times worse 10 times worse i hope you guys know and realize too that whilst Laura and I a lot of the time majority of the time we can be silly we take the piss out of each other we we have a really great time on here but we do take these questions very seriously so I hope you

can see the contrast in the podcast but know that when you do write into us it is taken very seriously and we might have a laugh on either side of that but we we do really want to give you the best possible advice so I just wanted to pop that disclaimer in well give us the first question Brittany okay I have been dating my partner for over two years and things are mostly great we have some issues as all couples do but there is one big problem neither of us can climax in the bedroom it's enjoyable but there's no big bang not even close we are pretty open about this and we have tried many different things but it doesn't seem to be working she has always had trouble with this in the past but I can climax when I'm on my own and I haven't had this issue

in my past relationships. For the past year I've been finding myself having regular sex dreams about other people and I just don't know what to do about this because I feel like maybe we're just not sexually compatible. Do you guys think that this is a deal breaker in a relationship? I really love her but I don't want to live my whole life sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. Maybe we are better as friends I just don't know what to do or what to think help sex is so important in a relationship having that physical chemistry is so important there's different aspects of it and like yes climaxing is kind of the end goal but there's so many aspects of it that that are also important and that can kind of lead you to that I guess only you know if having an orgasm is a deal breaker

for you like for some people it would be and for other people it's not and then and that's okay because everything on that spectrum is fine, I think. Would it be a deal breaker for me if I didn't enjoy sex with my partner? Probably, to be honest. Before I just called it quits because I wasn't sexually satisfied, I would make sure that I was trying

every single thing possible to try and get there before I made a call on this. Look, there are a lot of women, I'm gonna step in there, Laura. There are a lot of women that actually can't orgasm. It doesn't matter what they do. We should talk about that sometime, but science says no.

computer says no they physically cannot achieve it on their own this girl has said that she can do it on her own so a we know it is possible for her to get there so it's something that isn't quite clicking with them together I wonder have how honest have you been obviously you know what works for you so if you haven't already had this really honest chat have the chat tell her what you do or show her what you do maybe she just needs a bit of guidance for what suits you or what tickles your fancy literally literally no pun intended actually pun intended fully pun fully intended anything in the bedroom between a couple when there's issues it comes down to communication because everybody is so different and the way maybe her past relationships she has done other

things and it's worked in other ways and then she's met you and she's doing the same thing she used to do but it's not working for you so just I would just straight up tell her or show her obviously these girls are in a same-sex relationship she has said that she said she can't talk to her friends about it because they literally say to her you need some dick that's what she wrote oh that's such an unhelpful it's like you don't ridiculous also you can have penetrative sex without having a penis in the bedroom like you can buy toys you can buy a vibrator there are so many other options there that you can explore with your partner if you're open to experimenting if you're open to having those very raw conversations with your partner

that can open up a whole new sexual experience for you both that you might both be able to enjoy to round it up I just definitely don't think that it's a deal breaker straight away I don't think that you need to go and take any drastic measures and break up because you can't climax in the bedroom from what you have said you guys have a great healthy relationship in every other aspect so why don't you work on that you can go to um it sounds funny but there are sex classes there are actual classes that go and show you different ways to do things in a bedroom help you can reconnect with your partner and they're not necessarily really serious therapy sessions they're like they can be really quite light-hearted and fun and i love that i was like i was like no

this is a deal breaker for me but now the more that you're speaking i'm like yes nodding along i'm like yes you stay there you work on your relationship yeah you explore each other together this is great advice Brittany keep going well I just think once you've done all those things and you have tried that and you have explored classes together and you've had fun together and you've openly said what you feels missing what you want what makes you turned on then you can reassess if it's a deal breaker if you know that you will be sexually frustrated for the rest of your life and then that is going to roll over into your life is that going to make you resent her the next day is it going to make you want to argue with her in other ways then for sure that's when

it's a problem and i do think like just to elaborate on what brit has said like if you have exhausted all options and this is something that is so important to you and you're still not satisfied and you're still not getting what you want out of the relationship you will know if this is a deal breaker for you like we said at the beginning this varies for every single person and so unless you get to a point where you're like i've tried everything i'm not satisfied i'm not happy then I think you you keep you keep pushing on because there's always going to be things in a relationship that you're not happy with there's always going to be aspects that you have to work on and whether it's in the bedroom whether it's communication whether it's bloody cooking and

cleaning like there's always going to be something in your relationship that you need to work on and for you it's and for you it's getting that big oh absolutely I couldn't agree more that's actually a really good point Laura fact that there's always something whether it's babe you never cook baby never clean babe you never get me off there's always something and in this case it's just that it's sexual but i i agree with that you it wouldn't be a deal breaker if someone wasn't contributing to the cleaning every week you would talk about it and say can you can you pull your weight please so i i really love that you brought that up let's go on to question number two great i reckon we can do it enjoy enjoy the practice that you're gonna have come on go get

practicing girlfriend we all know that it's uh not the destination but the journey there you go how's that for a bit of sweet pie advice I'm so deep all right next one question number question number two I'm 25 and I have been in a relationship for nearly four years we live together and have a very stable lifestyle we have great jobs financially okay good friends family nearby I have always been in long-term relationships ever since I was a teenager for a while I have been feeling like I've missed out on that part of my life where I am just single and young and figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life I feel I need to make up my mind as to whether I happily commit to this relationship from now on in or do we go our

separate ways so that I can spread my wings and experience total independence she's scared to leave him but there's a possibility he could be a penguin and she just doesn't know what to do if she is thinking that there's a dream partner out there that is more than her partner now. So I think this is a case of, is the grass always greener? The grass is not always greener, my girlfriend. Yeah, been there, done that. It's not green, it's brown, it's brown.

Also, I think the one thing that I really wanna drive home from this question is there are aspects in your relationship that you're questioning right now, obviously. Like you're like, oh, you know, did I miss out on, did I miss out on being young and being free and being able to travel and being able to, you know, hook up with whatever guy at whatever bar that I want to hook up with. But I guarantee you that if you break up with your partner and you're doing that, there will be days where you will feel lonely and there will be days where you will

question whether you made the right decision. And there will be days where you miss your partner because it fundamentally doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with your relationship. It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with him. It's just this feeling that maybe you missed out on something that you didn't get to have. I think don't go making any rash decisions about your relationship don't go breaking up with your partner just because you think you've missed out on something because you haven't missed out on something everybody's experience is different everybody's journey in relationships is different and maybe you did just find the right person to be with we did actually do an episode on this episode eight and it is called the grass is

always greener so for anybody that's sort of new to the podcast and didn't start from the beginning I recommend going back and having a listen to that but my advice here is I think you really need to decide within yourself what you think you're missing out on and what you want to go and achieve so ask yourself if I was not with my partner right now what would I be doing differently is it that you want to go and travel is it that you want to have more experience sexually is it that you want to live on your own what is it that is pulling you and drawing you to this single life because they're all they all have very different endings and they have very different journeys so I know personally for me I had this exact same thing I was with my first partner for eight years

four years in I had the feeling that this girl has where she's like what else is out there in the world is this it for me am I going to stay here with his partner forever and I did a lot of soul searching and decided that what it was for me that I felt like I was missing out on was just seeing the world and my partner at the time he had a job that he couldn't leave and we decided together that I would go and I left for a year and I moved overseas and I traveled and we stayed together for four years after that I we didn't cheat on each other um we were completely faithful in that year that we're apart but I knew that what was missing for me and what I was searching for was just that aspect of travel and adventure I think you really need to take a look at your

relationship and yourself and if you just feel like you're missing out on some life maybe there's a way you could do that I'm not saying move away from for a year because that's not really compatible for a lot of people it works for us sure it's not gonna work for everybody but if it's that you feel like you are missing out on sex or you're missing out on just random hookups or getting drunk and like and not coming home that night if that's what you feel like you're missing out on then yeah you need to probably reassess your relationship but if it's just that you want to go and live in a different city talk to your partner maybe you can go and live together maybe you could travel together maybe you could move overseas together there are so many other

ways to fill a void you just need to nut out what your void is like on this podcast I mean we preach owning your single life and like loving being on your own and being able to enjoy your own company and being like strong and independent and I fully stand by that but I also want to preach that it is incredible to be in a happy loving and fulfilling relationship just because you have settled down early or you have settled down now it doesn't mean that you're missing out on anything you're getting something different to what someone who is single is getting you haven't missed out on anything I mean the hookups aren't that good yeah like they're fun like don't get me wrong it's fun it's great fun but so is being in a relationship and I have one girlfriend of mine who has been

with her partner since she was 17 and she's now in her mid to late 20s so very similar age to what you are and she's never been with anybody else not in not sexually not in a relationship in no he is her only partner. And I remember when she was in her early twenties, she kind of went through this period where she was like, have I, like, should I stay with him or should I break up with him and go and explore what the world is, you know? And she didn't because she loved him. And at the end of the day, you know, he was a really, really great partner to her. It's just that in today's day and age, you don't think that you're going to find your partner that young because you're encouraged to go and like live your best single life, but it's not necessarily everyone's

journey. And if yours is that you've met someone who's great, then don't compare yourself to other people who are doing that. I also think it's important to realize and remember that even really healthy long-term couples that are in love and so happy, it's normal to look at someone else and be like, Oh, I wonder what that would be like. Oh, they're, they're attractive or that's so normal. Like, and that doesn't mean, Oh my God, should I break up with my partner? Because I had this thought? Absolutely not. Human nature is to always admire, look, explore everything in life. So if someone walks past you in the street and you're like, Oh, I wish I could have slept with him. That's cool. You could think you can think that to yourself. Absolutely. And still be in a

loving relationship. You've been with this person for four years. Like the, the crazy intensity of like feelings that you have, they come in ebbs and flows. Like there'll be some weeks where you don't love your partner as much. That's normal. And then there'll be weeks where you feel so incredibly in love and you'll think how the hell did I ever question potentially being single like that's crazy but I think you just ride those waves of emotions unless this feeling is a constant that doesn't go away that's when you really have to reassess where you're at but if it's not a constant if it's not if it's not this unwavering feeling then I think put your energy back into your relationship instead of putting your energy into have I missed out on something else I had it's

like you said your friend I had a friend who was with her partner forever long term loved each other adored each other but she was having this feeling of am I missing out on on hooking up and just seeing who who's in the world and she did the opposite of your friend and she left she very very quickly realized that the grass was not greener she she said to me I just thought I would be meeting the most amazing men and having so much fun and like hooking up with them and like casually dating here and here and she's like so far I'm lonely they're all assholes I feel bad when they don't swipe on me or talk to me on online dating and she just had this real slap in the face about what the other side was and I thought that was really interesting and it's a

really good example of what we fantasize and romanticize in our head it misses the mark of what reality actually is question number three okay this is a different one but this is like this i think a lot of people are going to really relate to this i have been with my partner for two and a half years and when we were together for only about six months we got a puppy together we both love the dog equally but i've probably spent slightly more time with it because i had more time in the mornings to run with it also i was the one that took it to puppy preschool having said that we both love it equally we have now split up who takes the dog because we are fiercely fighting over this. This is not a laughing matter. Okay. I'm very sorry. I take

this very seriously. I think this is going to happen. I mean, think of how many, so many couples split and so many couples have dogs. I think this is a question that's going to hit home to a lot of people. Okay. So I have a strong feeling towards this. Can I, can I tell you what I think? Well, you're going to be like, mate, you're not taking my dog. No, I don't think that you can co-parent a dog I think that co-parenting an animal puts unnecessary strain on on your ability to sever the relationship so instead of being able to have no contact which is something that we preach on this podcast when you go through a breakup you need to have a period of time where you do not speak to your partner your ex-partner and that is really imperative for your own personal

healing so I think co-parenting a dog that cancels that out it means that you have to speak to them every week or every two weeks or whatever it is. So I think initially one of you has to take the dog and the other person has to relinquish that. How you decide on that, I think that that decision has to be made based on what's best for the dog. So whoever has the yard, whoever has the working hours, whoever has the capacity to better take care of the dog, then unfortunately there needs to just be a decision that's made that is a little bit selfless in this. And that's the person who takes the dog but for both of your personal healing and development you cannot co-parent at the beginning I have actually there my thoughts boom boom mic drop take it I'm out of here I'm

gonna go pour myself a wine well not yet you can get a wine while I talk and I'll pretend you're still here I have been in this exact situation so I have a lot of feels and opinions about it the same partner I just spoke about in the earlier question I was with him for eight years four years deep and I moved overseas same guy we got two dogs together when I was 20 he was 24 so we were we had we had the dogs together for four years um we had a house together and all that jazz when we split up he kept the house and I moved out so the dogs at the start stayed with the house because that's what made sense the house was on the beach and the house had a really big yard and that was what made sense but we did the co-parenting thing for quite a while because

if you really really know me well you will know I'm obsessed with dogs and it's like ripping my heart out right now that I can't have one I've never not had one so I went to see them most days and I would just go and pick them up and run with them and we tried this co-parenting thing and it was awful I loved my time with my dogs but I remember one day going over there to pick them up and there was a girl there because he'd started seeing someone and it just tore my hate him he was a great guy actually he he is a great guy um but it tore my heart out but I still took them and I continued to do that and I kept seeing him with his other relationship or whatever he was doing and I quickly realized that I had to sever ties then I had to make the decision of who takes the

dogs I definitely was the one that got the dogs in the first place I loved the dogs I wanted the dogs more than anything but the fact of the matter was he was keeping our house with the yard on the beach and he was like adventure man I knew he would look after them and run them every day they were border collies so like so much energy I was moving to Sydney to a smaller apartment I wanted to take them and I could have taken them but I knew that their life would be better to stay with him and I made the decision and I cried for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks but i made the decision for the dogs so i think ultimately you need to do what's right for the animal um at the time and whatever that's going to be maybe you are going to have to say goodbye

and i say that like i don't say that easily because i was obsessed and i was obsessed and i one of them's still alive she's 13 and i still look at pictures of her she insta stalks the dog but also also I think ladies and gentlemen stay woke because people use animals to emotionally manipulate so and I when I say this and I know that this sounds like I'm being crazy but I think that having a shared animal can turn into an emotional bargaining tool where if one person isn't ready to actually split with the other person or if one person is still trying to get in contact with it becomes very easy then for that person to continue to access your life and so you don't want to allow your ex to have an emotional bargaining tool over anything to

do with your life you really need to sever that relationship and unless it's children which is very very different like we're not going to bundle pets and children into the same category even though I understand that there is an intense emotional connection to your pets like I have a dog I I can only imagine how heartbreaking that would be to have to allow Matt to take my it would never happen i would get the dog let's be real but you would get everything i would get everything don't even think about it matthew johnson but no but i but i really really strongly think that you it's very difficult to co-parent an animal and um i know people who have done it and they've all every single person i know who has done it it has worked out the same way after five months or six

months or whatever period it is one person has decided that they're not going to take the dog they're gonna they're gonna give it to the other person there's always somebody who backs down on it because you cannot co-parent an animal indefinitely especially for 10 years 10 years like it just means that your ex unless you've stayed friends unless you're totally on this crazily amazing platonic level which is just props to you that's incredible unless you're there then i think it's impossible to do because breakups are fucking hard they hurt and and i think you just have to cut a sever and cut the ties so do you know this is something and this is not for everybody but I'm gonna tell you this crazy story of what we did when we split and I said you take

them and look after them and whatever else I said don't ever hesitate to call me for when they need an operation or they need a vet bill and I'll split it because part of me was like I'm you're not gonna live with me but I want the best for these dogs and if the if he was ever in a position where the dogs needed something and he couldn't afford it I was like always call me because I might not have seen you or the dogs for years but I will I will look after them and it was to the point that we did that if it ever needed anything he would give me a buzz but for the big things not for little things um and it was only two years ago we had been split for seven years and he called me in Scotland in the middle of the night I was living in Scotland he called me and I hadn't

spoken to him in years and I just knew it would be about the dogs seven years and he said Brit we need to make a decision Mia is sick my border collie Mia's sick we need to make a decision together on what to do do we put it down or and I just I was so grateful in that moment that I know it sounds crazy and a lot of people unless you're a crazy dog lady you won't understand I was so grateful that he called me and gave me the opportunity to make the decision turns out the decision was taken from us we had to put it down within like 15 minutes of him calling me but the fact that he still knew how much how important that was to me to call and say I want you to know that this is what's happening I'll be forever grateful so I know that that's an exception

to the rule and the way that we handled it was different but there are so many different ways to do it but direct direct co-parenting for me is gonna I'm gonna say no and ultimately you make the best decision for the dog oh amen I love it when we agree wait I just got emotional I know I was about to cry I was about to cry my dog was like seeing her eyes well up like this is a very close to home conversation she was my best friend so anyway move that's it anyway conversation over all right well that was a really uplifting way to end the episode guys welcome not that you guys need any more doom and gloom in your life with everything that's happening brit needs a cuddle not even a virtual cuddle a real cuddle watch this space because i

will be getting a dog so soon the time has come in my life where i can't not have a dog anymore i need someone to pull my love onto and i need love from an animal so i have made the decision to get a dog how that's going to happen i don't know when that's going to happen but you watch this space now brita's using the podcast as her therapy session this is great you can pay me after this once this is finished can you please slip me a 50 someone needs to get yeah but not for that okay guys thank you so much to every single person who has written in a question for ask uncut if you have a question for next week we promise to do our absolute best to answer them we may be unqualified but our advice comes with such heartfelt enthusiasm that I think it makes up

for it so you can slide into our dms at life uncut podcast on instagram or you can send us a direct message on facebook which is also life uncut podcast and if you haven't already sign up to the discussion group guys I hope this makes you realize too there there's no type of question or genre of question that is off limits here so it might be family life travel relationship Dirty sex questions. Laura just wants the sex, but I want the dog questions. Yeah, I know. Britt does the picking of the questions.

You know what? I'm here for the dog questions. I'll do doggy style questions. You come at me. I'm going to end it there because I can't deal with Laura anymore. You know the drill. If you loved it, hit five stars. Tell your friends.

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