Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - HELP! My ex has moved on faster than Usain bolt

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

Can I dump my boyfriend over text?My ex has moved on faster than Usain bolt and I’m still over here hurtingI’ve been cheated on in every relationship (both emotionally and physically) how can I distinguish whether my gut instinct is right or wrong? Can I ever trust again?What more could you possibly want on your Thursday other than a big old dose of ASK UNCUT!? (Rhetorical question, don’t actually answer that)Let’s do this lovers.This ep made possible thanks to our friends over at Marzena. At home, sustainable and gentle waxing strips. If you loved this ep, or any other eps, please share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello lovely listeners and welcome back to another episode of Ask Uncut. This is our quick down and dirty episode for the week where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. Has anyone ever told you you have really cute dimples? No. Laura and I, as of today, have started to record again together, 1.5 metre distance in Laura's bedroom. And look at how much you've missed me.

You want to talk about my dimples. Because I was looking at you just then as you intro'd that and they're pretty deep, they're pretty intense dimples and I thought they're really cute. That's age. The deepness comes from lack of collagen. They're cute dimples. Which I'm desperately trying to rectify with retinol,

but the years of sun damage in Wollongong have really had their toll. Just specifically Wollongong? What a depressing way to start this. Not sun damage anywhere else. So I'm haggard and looking worse for wear, but you know what? We're in isolation. It doesn't matter. Actually, can we just talk about, this is a thing.

Did anyone else, any other listeners just notice what just happened? I just complimented Laura and she turned it around somehow to say, okay, I get it. I'm haggard. What on earth? This is a topic on itself, women that can't take a compliment and then put themselves down. Woman, let's try that again.

Love your dimples. Thank you. Oh, that felt so weird. It gave me a shudder right down to my toes. Just tell me what you know this week. Something very important. What is it? Does it affect me?

Not at all. From maths. Your world, not my world. You would think that we'd left these guys behind with the last season, but we haven't. Did you read today that Michael Goonan is now trying to sell his wedding ring that he had with Stacey on eBay? Not just his wedding ring, his wedding ring and a smashed picture of Stacey.

Mate, that should just be on buy, swap, sell. I can't believe it made it to eBay. It's going for $600 at the moment. Is that all? I know. I kind of thought it would go for more. I thought that'd be worth more. The thing I'm kind of like, I'm a bit unsure about is that it's not saying

that it's listed for any charity or anything. So I think he is literally just selling it to pocket $600. For personal gain. I bet you he expected it to go for more than $600. But hang on, correct me if I'm wrong, because I didn't actually watch it. But isn't he really, really loaded? Well, that's the thing. Why does he need to sell a ring for $600?

Well, I feel like if you're selling a ring publicly and a smashed picture of your ex, it's a very, very, very public way of having the last stab. Remember when Lara Bingle threw a $20,000 ring down the toilet? when lara bingo was with michael clark and they were doing the show like the real bingle or whatever it's called the reality show they had a fight she flushed her ring down the toilet and it was like actually i think saying twenty thousand dollars i think it was it was like ten times more than that i can't even remember it was a super expensive ring you should put down the toilet how many people do you think were out the next day in the eastern suburbs trying to dig

up the plumbing lines to be like i will find that ring guilty i will find it no wonder you remember it you have to be a little bit jilted still if you're going to go publicly and sell the ring i think like if you are statement isn't it such a statement in and of itself if you were over it totally or you were like and i'm not saying that he's still hung up on stacy but if you were over it and you didn't think about the relationship and it didn't affect you you wouldn't make such a public statement as in selling it on ebay it's a real kick in the dick yeah the three of them so his new partner casey who was on the show and stacy who was his old partner they're all having Stacey and Stacey.

I just realised their names rhyme. I didn't know that either. But they're having the most ridiculous fights online. Not even worth mentioning. That's all I'm going to mention about it. But there's a reason I just wasn't into that show. Because you don't like fun, Brittany. That's why.

I'm sorry. There's no F-U-N in M-A-F-S. That was so, so terrible. I'm actually contemplating whether or not I need to edit that out. Probably. Well, I've got some news for you, Laura. I'm ready for it, Brittany. hot news so people people might even say it's too hot to handle news oh I like what you did there

I really like what you did there guys if you have jumped on the too hot to handle bandwagon with us they are having a reunion show tomorrow so on Friday and we get to find out what happened to all these train wrecks I actually saw this come through because someone who follows the podcast who's like deep in the Facebook group they were the ones that sent through like oh my god did you know that this was happening. I didn't even know this was happening. I got sent this from one of like our very loyal followers and listeners. So I, I love that. I love that you guys are as invested in this as what we are because we are sick for it. To be fair. I think nothing is going to, I think no one's together except Harry and Francesca. That's it. That's what I'm calling

now. I cannot wait to see the reunion on Friday, but also I hate, and I'm feel dirty about how invested in this I am. And I also feel dirty that we talk about this for a good five minutes at the start of every single episode i feel like it'll be done after this is it yeah actually that's a lie because we probably need to talk about it next tuesday after the reunion episode but we're never doing it again well on that note we do like to keep these short and sharp so why don't we jump in and sexy occasionally sometimes they're far sometimes they're sexy sometimes they're far here's a question for you sometimes they're sexy questions there's such thing as a sexy fart there's definitely not a sexy fart unless that's like your kink fetish in which case i'm sure

there's someone out there who finds fart sexy hands down there would be this already is weird if you're still with us we're gonna get into the questions now because this is going downhill fast all right let's jump into the questions thanks to everybody who's written in questions this week we have had loads brit has done the job of going through every single question and doing her best to reply to everyone but honestly we do get so many questions that it's not possible for brit to get back to all of them straight away so sometimes it takes us a little while so we appreciate your patience, but we also really, really, really appreciate you guys writing these in. And if you do have any questions that you want to just share to the group and you don't

feel like they need to be anonymous, please feel free to jump onto our Facebook page, which is at Life Uncut Podcast, because you can always ask your questions there as well. However, like I said, those questions won't be anonymous. But anyway, let's get into the questions that we've chosen for today. And Brittany, over to you. I just want to also add to that, even if it takes us a while to reply and it looks like we haven't seen it we have read every single one so we are reading them even if we haven't given you a response yet so just know that you are seen you are heard question number one I have a straight up easy question for you I've been dating my guy for about a year but I've been using isolation and lockdown as a bit of a reason to not see him I've just found

myself less and less interested I'm slowly starting to screen his calls I don't want to talk to him as much my question is can I dump him over text oh my god girlfriend you are fierce and I am frightened of you everything my body's tingling I'm gonna straight up I kind of like you I'm gonna straight up say I don't think you can dump over text after a year look I'm gonna say you can you absolutely can but it makes you a bit of an asshole so probably don't do it it's not the right way of course you can do it if that's your question but it's it's not the right way to be handled imagine if that was reversed and he was dumping you and you got a text um text from him saying hey babe like thanks for the last year but I'm done taking this question actually

seriously as well it's it's so dismissive and you're not allowing that person to have the closure that they deserve by trying to break up with them over text and the fact that you've been ignoring him the fact that you've been stringing this out and dragging this out throughout this whole isolation period would be making him feel crazy and I think that's a really unfair way of treating someone you could lead into it you could start with a text let him know that something's on your mind literally saying hey sorry I know I've been distant recently I've had a lot on my mind I've been doing some thinking and I think we need to talk you could start it like that the we need to talk thing like ouch he knows what's coming we need to talk is another kick in the dick you know

we need to talk is the equivalent of your dad saying I'm not mad I'm disappointed from what you've said he knows something is wrong send him that we need to talk I've had a lot on my mind chat he'll start to put two and two together and put the way you've been acting and feeling and the way you've been treating him over the last few months he'll put it all together and at least that way it's not going to be a shock and a slap in the face because there's nothing worse than when this happens and you haven't seen it coming like when it's so left field it's almost harder up because you're like what where did this i thought we're fine planning our future but when there's almost like a warm-up it makes it somewhat easier one thing i really want to add to this and

i think is so important and i feel like we've touched on this in so many episodes recently but i can't stress this enough during this whole crazy isolation thing now is a time that we really need to be conscious of people's feelings you know right now is definitely not the time to be texting a breakup like this is the worst time for that if anything I think a little bit more empathy a little bit more love a little bit more kindness in every day in all of our relationships is how we need to be behaving this is really the coward's way out the older that you get the more you realize that you really can't treat people in such a dismissive nature I think you you really owe someone who you've given a year of your life to the closure that they deserve and that is even

if you cannot see him let's let's like hypothetically say that he's in Queensland right now and you're in sydney and so you've been putting this off because you can't physically get to him to have the conversation face to face you sure as shit can't do it over text you have to do it at least over phone or zoom or some way so that you can have as much connection with him as possible because he deserves that i really like to look at every single aspect of my life in a way that's treat others how you want to be treated so if you wouldn't want to be broken up with over text don't break up with him over text i think it's simple like that how would it affect you how would you feel what would you want to get from it what would you have done differently I

think they're the things that you need to think about how it would make you feel and then apply that to your situation put your big girl panties on and break up with him face to face girlfriend you can break up with someone in the nicest way possible and dragging this out the way that you're doing it and by doing this over text by ignoring him by silencing him by not giving him any any reasoning or understanding about the way that you're thinking or feeling that this is a really cruel way of going about a breakup I think that's it bloody number two amazing all right let's jump into number two question two I have been cheated on in every relationship both emotionally and physically my question is how can you distinguish whether your gut instinct is right or wrong

I'm always going to be fearful that any future partner is going to be cheating on me and my automatic gut reaction is to just not trust anyone how do I know if I'm ever making the right decision because if I trust my gut I just feel like I'm not going to ever meet anyone oh man that sucks it's a good one though you cannot go into every relationship taking the shit from your past because not everyone is the same and not every man is going to treat you the same way I do think that you can be cautious and I do think that you can be sensible and you are allowed to have I'm not saying have a wall up but you are allowed to have like a little bit of um protection to your heart not wear it totally on your sleeve but the only person you're doing a disservice to by thinking

that things are happening or by like really putting your walls up before you get into a relationship is yourself means you're never going to be able to find the relationship that you deserve but not every guy is a cheater not every girl is a cheater and not every guy is the same I agree I do think you're shooting yourself in the foot by taking this old baggage these old worries and stress and anxiety into your new relationship and projecting that on him because he will pick that up he will feel that and you'll never know I guess the relationship's full potential because you've gone into it holding on to some damage from the past as someone that has been cheated on quite a few times unfortunately I don't let it affect me I can honestly say I'm

probably overly trusting with people I do give people second chances I don't go into a relationship thinking they're going to cheat on me because I know that I need to give that person a full complete utter chance to prove like I can't blame the crazy things my ex did to me on someone that has nothing to do with the situation it's completely unfair on them it's unfair on you and you're not giving the relationship time to blossom in itself maybe you need to step back a little bit from dating and ask yourself and check yourself are you dating the same type of guy over and over and over like are is the situations that you're getting yourself into and the people that you're dating doing the same thing and is the behavior the same because maybe

you have a type and maybe your type sucks you need to be realistic about that and if that's the case then you need to start dating people who may not necessarily be the guy that you had that intense chemistry with straight away or the guy that you know ticks all the boxes in the same way that your ex did because there could be a reason that the guys you're dating are cheating on you. It could be because you're literally going for a personality type that is not a very nice person. Yeah. The reason that they're cheating on you is not you. It's not a personal thing. It's nothing you've done. I think I agree with Laura. It's probably that you're choosing the same type of people in the same box, in the same category, doing the same thing at the same stage of life.

And I fell into that too. The best thing I ever did was jump outside the box and start to date people I never thought I would date and I think maybe that's what I'd suggest to this listener try something new when I think of Matt and my relationship now if I had met Matt outside of the Bachelor franchise I don't think we would have dated Matt is such a nice guy and he's very different in a lot of ways to a lot of the guys I've dated before not all of them because I have dated some great guys it just didn't work out but you know I definitely had a type and that type was pretty dysfunctional and I think you know you can sort of be reflective on the choices that you're making and take some responsibility a little bit for the types of guys that you're dating

the question she's actually asking too is do I trust my gut how do I know when to trust my gut I'm really really big on that when your gut speaks to you when you just feel something is wrong but you should you should know the difference you should be able to differentiate whether you were just imagining things because you think he's going to do it and you're almost trying to manipulate the situation into him doing it because you're waiting for it to happen your gut instinct is absolutely so powerful and it has never ever ever let me down you just can't confuse the two with pure fear yeah and this is something we've talked about heaps in this podcast like your intuition is there for a reason when your intuition is raging it's like your internal alarm system

saying this is dangerous something is wrong here so if you you are genuinely your intuition is what's saying like fucking get out abort mission there is a really good chance that the guy you're dating is not doing the right thing. What I think you need to be wary of is, are you projecting that really early? So for example, if you've only just started dating someone or seeing someone and you haven't defined what the relationship is and you haven't talked about whether or not it's okay to be seeing other people, he may be dating other people. He probably is. Like most people are dating multiple people at the start. That's just how we date in 2020. So if you need to have that clarification, make sure that you define the relationship before you allow yourself to get

carried away with what you're worried about and what you're thinking could possibly be happening because if you haven't defined the relationship then he's not cheating on you either it's just that he's still open to seeing what's happening so be very clear with what you want be very clear with your boundaries and also look at dating guys that maybe are a little bit outside your box I want to finish this one with just remember that nothing worth having comes easy you are going to have to climb mountains you're going to have to crawl through the dirt and you're going to have to go through a lot of rough diamonds to find your smooth diamond and that's just how it is so don't be weighed down by the fact that people have cheated on you in the past and don't convince

yourself that that means you're never going to find your happy ending because you will okay i have one thing to say i thought i was finishing on this no that quote is is like perfect and i love it so much but i often think people confuse that with staying in shitty relationships because they're going to work through the shit for it to get great. And I like, I, that kills me. Like that concept kills me because I think if your relationship has been freaking hard work from day dot, it's never going to get amazing. If your relationship goes up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, you're never ever going to get to the point where it's like this Holy grail of happiness. I think you only get back to that Holy grail of happiness. If you had it in the first place,

like yes, relationships go through struggles. Like we all do. We all have like our really great times and we have some times that are a little bit more challenging but good healthy stable relationships are not volatile they're not up and down they're not going to make you feel crazy so don't convince yourself that you need to work through the shit of your current relationship what Britt's saying is that you can kiss a few frogs before you find whatever toads you can kiss a few ugly toads before you find your prince charming like that's what she's saying because your prince charming will not treat you like shit over and over and over that's just not he's not the one that ain't your soulmate not in our fairy tale that is not your soulmate your soulmate does

not make you cry every day the end yeah unless it's third and last question guys my boyfriend and i have just split up after 18 months he's literally moved on straight away he's in a new relationship and he's happy and he seemed in love i am completely heartbroken i'm so confused at how he's gotten to where he is and I'm at home crying what does this mean for our relationship does it mean I wasn't worthy does it mean he tapped out early are my feelings not valid I don't know how to feel this is such a good question because I literally was having this conversation this exact conversation really with a girlfriend on the weekend but you chose this question so I feel like this was a setup what I think is really important to clarify with this is that there's

a good chance that the guy is monkey branching like there's a really good chance that he is using his new relationship or that new person to feel feeling any pain you know so instead of having to sit through it and grieve through it and like actually feel the loss of a relationship you're just gonna backfill that hole with some putty and find a new girl to spend some time with who's gonna distract him from his sadness there's a really really good chance that that's the case and it doesn't just because he's behaving this way and his behavior now it doesn't invalidate the relationship it doesn't invalidate the fact that he had feelings for you at one point in time but regardless of his actions the relationship has ended and it just means that you are now

entitled to do and be and live however you want to because you are you're severed he's his own person and you're your own person we actually had and go be your best person we had someone write in this week actually that was similar to this situation but on top of that she said I'm so mad do I get mad at him do I make his life hell do I tear shreds of him or do I move on and I have responded to her but I'll address it here as well because I think it's this is all relevant this is our this is a band-aid relationship for him it's it's a quick way to move on there is a slight chance that he has checked out of the relationship previously a lot of the time the breaker up room it's not something that they have just woken up with that morning and said I'm going

to end this today. They don't decide it on the spot. There is forethought. They've been thinking about it a long time. They've been feeling off for a long time. So for them, often they have checked out months in advance. I know when I broke up with my partner of eight years, I didn't wake up one day and decide to do that. It was a really hard decision. It had been weighing on me for eight months. This girl and your friend, they were both unfortunately broken up with and dumped and they didn't see it coming. Oh no, my friend did the dumping. Oh. She did the dumping, but she did the dumping because his behavior was bad okay well that's fair this girl's just been broken up with no she had no idea it was coming so I think in this case regardless of the reason it doesn't

change anything the fact of the matter is he has moved on it is going to tear you to shreds to dwell on that and follow them on social media and send him messages because he's not going to write back then you'll feel worse about yourself I think the best thing you can do now is accept that what you had is unfortunately over learn something from it except that that chapter is closed that door is closed and that there's going to be a more beautiful and a better chapter for you to open there is no sorry i'm still on a rant yeah fucking go go for it i get really passionate about these there is no time frame for you to mourn you don't have to move on just because he did you don't have to not feel any pain because he's not feeling pain you feel whatever you want and you sit in it and

you make sure you sit in it properly until you are recovered because you can't move forward and take that into your next relationship so don't judge how you are feeling against what he's feeling can i talk now are we good what i want to what i want to add to that is and what brit like touched on as well is social media this is like the devil right now unsubscribe from him do not do not engage with his instagram do not look at his stories do not look at his facebook like you need to unfollow him on every single thing and just go no contact and no contact doesn't mean just not not texting him no contact means do not allow yourself to see anything that he does because you do not need to bring that into your life because there's going to be times when you're feeling happy and you're

having a really good day and then all it takes is to see a story or something where it looks like he's having an even better day and it will make you sad so make sure that you remove that completely and second thing I want to say is fuck him like fuck him fuck him if there's a reason that you broke up with him or there's a reason that he broke up with you he is not your penguin and for my girlfriend who broke up with her partner because he behaved really badly he behaved badly when you're in a relationship with him he's still behaving badly when you're not in a relationship with him like he's a shitty guy and you shouldn't be with him and so whether or not he goes on to be super happy with someone else. I think there's always this fear that like, we're going to break up with

the guy that we were so desperately in love with and he treated us badly, but then they're going to go and be so super happy with the next person. Trust me, they don't. They continue the same shitty behavior with the next person. I think people just jump from one relationship and become a completely different, a completely resolved and better person. It rarely happens. Well, that's it for today. Three questions. That's it. That's all there's time for because it's time for wine thank you so much for writing in again we absolutely love it keep the questions coming just title them at the top ask uncut so that we do know what it is and I can differentiate it from all the other messages I know that every week we tell you all to leave a review if you've loved

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