Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - He's in a sexless marriage, can I be his side piece?

Episode Date: May 31, 2023

Hey Lifers, Britt's stuck her foot in it (unexpected) and our favourite Laura is back!! First up today, a queer bar on Oxford St has had enough of the hens and bucks parties! Our friend Xander joins us to chat about his experiences in gay bars and the reasons behind why this decision has been made! Vibes for the week: Laura - Triangle of Sadness movie on Amazon Prime Britt - Iced coffee cubes Questions for today: I met a guy on an app and he is seeking one person to have FWB. He is in a sexless marriage, and not wanting to leave his wife. Personally, I am fine with what he wants as that suits what I’m looking for, and it’s his decision if he is choosing to cheat. I have not actively gone after him. I know it’s wrong but I’m so over doing what is right for everyone else when I just want to have some fun and I deserve that. I have been cheated on in the past  and it is horrible. But if it’s not me he will still do this with someone else. My question/worry is that if I meet someone down the track, do you think this would be something they would judge me for given the situation? Does this make me a bad person? I’ve been with my partner for 2 years now and he has a child with his ex partner. He has baby bump pictures of his ex in his phone, some of which she is completely naked in. Am I being a complete psychopath and jealous because I want a baby with him but he isn’t ready so him having these photos makes me super sad and I feel like this is such a horrible thing for me to feel. Is this ok? My partner and I have been together for 6 years and lived together for 4. My ideal bed time is 10pm however my partners isn’t until 11pm. I like to go to bed at the same time as I tend to sleep better and don’t get interrupted when he gets in. It might seem comical but we are often arguing about bedtime! Is this an area of contention in other relationships? How do you suggest we manage this? Presume other couples like to go to bed at different times so there must be a solution here! If you have a question, or an ask uncut aftermath, send it in to our InstagramYou can join the facebook group here and follow us on tiktokTell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xx   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Wollongong land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany and guess who's back? it's me. I'm back. I don't know. There's like one option of who could be back. It's you. It could be Keisha again. She could be here. Keisha, can I just say I'm very grateful for you filling in whilst I was dancing around a dance floor doing the salsa.

Keisha did a wonderful job while you were gone holding down the fort. Yeah. Look, guys, I've got one more day of Dancing With The Stars. All the filming wraps on Thursday and it's all finished and I'm back behind the microphone and not on a dance floor anymore which is very good what can you give us like you've got to be able to give us some sort of insight into what's going down it's gonna be on tv in like four weeks or something the turnaround for this show is insane it's going to be on everyone's screens you can see how bad i dance very very soon i guess when you say that or how good i dance maybe i'm the underdog maybe i made a real comeback maybe not when you talk about turnaround time it does make sense that it's

quick because it's not like a reality show that there's the drama and 24 hours a day of filming mean like there's the bits and pieces but it's the dance it's the score the judge and then it's the go home right I imagine it's an easier edit than like Marriott first sight yeah exactly like that I think the other part of it as well is is that they're not trying to contrive the drama so they don't have to like sit in the editing rooms and go like oh how can we piece this together and then create something out of this it's so wholesome and feel good that like whatever happens in filming is actually what happens on the show so it's very kind of linear in terms of the editing process well I did see you know we're allowed to see some snippets behind the scenes snippets I

actually we went and watched you but i did see a snippet of one of your dancers holy shit if victoria's secrets don't call you up to become one of them little catwalk no you're wearing nothing you've got no clothes on and you look amazing there is one episode where it is just my ass on the tv screen it was shimmying around it's red and it's ass and that is it but you know what so i woke up this morning i was very excited to be back here i've missed you i've missed the podcast and I walked out to my car and a flock of bats. No. I'm talking like.

Is that what they call the flock? Do you call a lot of bats a flock? No. I think it's like. A herd. A gaggle. Is it the same as like a crow? Like a murder.

Oh, it's a colony. A colony of bats. Yeah, it's not a flock. Bats are called pups. Baby bats are called pups. Fuck, every day is a school day. It is. I love animal facts as well.

Okay, so a colony of bats and pups. I reckon it was Vindaloo night in the bat colony because literally my entire car was just covered in bat shit and I wasn't even parked underneath one of those trees that would warrant it felt very personal it was just my car on the street I don't think the colony of pups sought you out I don't know if they're like let's go shit on Laura Byrne's car covered I'm talking like I couldn't even see through the windscreen it was completely covered I'm surprised I didn't get pulled over for like dangerous driving because I had like an obstruction in the windscreen at least it didn't shit on you but that is actually good luck actually i don't think that's true is it if

you get shit on by a bat is that also good luck can you google that or is that just a bird i think it's just a bird but also if you got shat on is does it come down to like the size of the bird like imagine getting pooped on by a pelican does that mean that you're in for even better luck than if it's a budgie oh imagine you're not going to care about this at all but i got really excited i read about this this morning oh hang on we've got some information coming over live there are some cultures that believe that getting pooped on by a bat is a sign of good luck well i'll go Go and buy a lottery ticket because I think it was about 15 bats last night. I wonder, but then there are also some that say it's not.

But you know what it does say here? That some people believe that poop has healing properties for the skin. So you should roll yourself. You should go and roll yourself in the bat poop on your car. Laura does like, she's one of those videos where you're like rolling across in your bikini on your car poop. I get onto Instagram live later and I've just got a face mask on. You're all like, that looks a lot like what was on your windscreen, Laura.

Anyway, it's nice to be back is what I'm saying, everyone. Well, guess who's having sex in five nights? You. Me. Because Ben arrives. Guess who's having sex in five nights. I love that everyone listening to this, in five days' time, you're going to know exactly where Brittany's going to be

and it's horizontal on any hard surface in her apartment. Horizontal, vertical, upside down. There's going to be lots of different. How do you feel? Are you excited? Not about the sex but about Ben arriving. Yes, I'm very excited. We've worked out it's basically we'll see each other every two months

but this is the only time of the whole year he comes to Australia. But you guys are going to get to meet him properly because you only met him for 10 minutes on our one-night stand night. We need to get him on the podcast and do a little Ben and Brit interview. I have had some people slide in saying they wanted him to jump on and just say hello, just like, I don't know if we need to do a whole episode with him, do we? I think we can just do a little piece, like a little hello,

maybe a little Q&A quickly, but I don't think we need to do a whole episode. I don't know how we'd go with that. It just feels like a bit of a baptism of fire. Also, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that's not a good idea. We've done it in the past. I'm remembering, I'm having flashbacks. Let's just not do that. No, I think we can just introduce.

He wants to come into work. He wants to come in and see the radio, which is, I also don't want to let him anywhere near the radio station. I don't want anyone to get their hands on him. Remind me how long he's staying for. He's only here for about two and a half weeks and then we're going to Bali for a week and then he has to go back home. I think it'll be just under a month.

Considering that you live on opposite sides of the world, you see each other like a surprising amount of time. It's a very expensive relationship to maintain. It is such an expensive relationship. I'm going to have to sell a kidney. Yeah, on the black market. Yeah. Well, anyway, five days until Ben's here.

Yeah. Something that did happen to me last night actually, I really, really put my foot in it in a funny but it's definitely not funny way. But it was just a stupid thing. Anyway, I was at the mechanic. I had to drop my car in to be serviced. and Keisha was picking – we were swapping cars.

Keisha was helping me because I didn't have the car for the day. She was lending me her car for the day. It was a whole thing. Anyway, so we're driving in to pick up the car. Keisha's dropping me off and the mechanic listens to Life Uncut. He listens to the radio so he knows us. Anyway, so I had a bit of banter with the mechanic in the morning. Wait, what age demographic is your mechanic that's listening to Life Uncut?

He is like a 45-year-old man. Great. And he loves the Life Uncut and the radio. Not one that you would normally expect to be listening to this. No. I swung the door open because I had to jump out of the car really quickly and I could see him about 35 metres away in the mechanic yard. And just me being me, I was like, what's the damage?

And I like sung out across the courtyard, what's the damage? And everyone just stopped and I looked like literally two degrees to the right, that's it, and there was an ambulance in there and a bike rider had been knocked off his bike. Oh, no, Britt. i know and he was there he was okay and there is no only reason i'm saying this he's like he was going to hospital he's all his face was smashed up a car had hit him he didn't have a helmet on but i got out and sung what's the damage to the ambulance and to the poor bike rider and everyone

looked at me and i was like i am so sorry i actually did not know you were there and i did not say that to you i was saying to the mechanic about the damage to my car and that was my moment and it was a very very awkward like put your foot in your what was everyone's response at the time they just all looked at me and I was like I had to immediately like step over myself apologize and then I'm like I actually have to just leave you alone or you double down and you go what is the damage how you doing buddy so you took me through it yeah anyway yeah that was that was my afternoon yesterday so it was interesting I feel like that's very quintessential Brit oh my god absolutely and to be clear it was not funny and I hope he's okay did anybody else laugh

the mechanic laughed when we got inside yeah Keisha just like Keisha just like dropped the clutch and did a burnout out of it. She's like, you're on your own sucker. She's like, that's me done. I am not being associated with it. Well, we have so many, so many of you guys wrote in like actually amazing questions this week. We have some real doozies that we're going to get into very shortly. But before we get into that, there was something that I saw in the news recently, and I wanted to know how you feel about it, Britt. But also look, we have somebody joining us to tell us how they feel about it very shortly. Now there is an iconic nightclub in Sydney. It is called universal it is a gay bar it's on oxford street it is very very well known i have been

there many times myself it's a fucking great night just yes i slept around the corner it was a good time i don't think i've ever been there but they do drag shows there like it's a really cool venue it very much as much as it's a gay bar it very much like encompasses all of what is like queer celebration and also during mardi gras like they have huge celebrations because obviously mardi go straight past the front of it as well now the reason why this nightclub has come into the news recently is because they have made the decision to ban hens parties and bucks parties so if you show up at universal with any sort of dick paraphernalia you are not going to be allowed to enter when i first read this i'm gonna be honest i was like up in arms i was like what

how can't we come to party i don't even have enough friends to go to their hands so it's not going to bother me but my first thought was like well hang on a minute but the best night of my life has been at a gay bar like the best night of my life was a big call but was at gay bar in new york i just had the time of my life you feel so comfortable you feel so happy it's just a great celebration and i didn't really slash don't really fully understand yet why it should be completely banned well i guess the big thing about it is like they're not banning heterosexual people from coming to universal they're not saying well i'm sorry if you're not queer you can't come in all they're saying is that there's a very specific type of party that can't come in and i think like

we all know we've all been to hens parties they can be incredibly obnoxious and look i've never been to a bucks party but i've seen plenty of them and i think that they can be equally as obnoxious now we both had our own thoughts and opinions on this but we thought probably better to get somebody whose opinions are far more valid than us we have queer icon we have zander he is the executive producer of Kata. And we were chatting about this outside before we jumped into record. And you had some really great perspectives as to why this is something that is so important. And especially for heterosexual people who may not understand why it's a decision that's been made. How do you feel about this? You kind of nailed it on the head when you said that

these types of parties come in that can be quite obnoxious. So like in a queer space, that's like our place to go where we feel safe, like we can dress the way we want, we can act the way we want with no judgment even still now I go to other venues and I experience homophobia and I get weird looks predominantly from men you mean straight venues yeah just like yeah just a normal bar yeah so like when we're in spaces like universal and these hens and bucks parties come in like the behavior is very centered around them and their experience but like it's queer bars aren't about that it's about us it's about our safe space and us feeling comfortable to just kind of like be who we want to be. The other thing as well is I feel like it makes it a gimmick like because you

know a big group of girls like that wouldn't normally or a big group of guys wouldn't normally be like oh let's go to the gay bars but when you're kind of in that environment of being at a hen's party and then you make the big decision to kind of go to a gay bar you're doing it or especially I probably speak more on behalf of like hen's parties it's because it's a safe space where you're not going to get hit on but it also kind of turns that going to a gay bar into a gimmick Like it's the fun thing to do as your entertainment for yourself when you're a hen, but that's actually someone's true lifestyle. Yeah, exactly.

And I've been to bars where they've had like drag shows and in the middle of the, like the performance, like the hen's party or the bride will get up or they'll scream something and they'll make it all about them. But like, it's not about that. It's about celebrating this art form and letting this drag queen or this performer have their moment. and sometimes a lot of those moments are overshadowed by someone else wanting to have that moment for themselves.

So you think more of the problem, the problem is more so not that people are really coming into your safe space and making you feel uncomfortable but it's more just being rude and obnoxious really. Like it's like someone coming into your home and just being a wanker. Well, that's it. Like they are, I mean I feel this way and like not every other queer person feels this way but like straight people are guests in that space.

People do have to remember that and respect that because this is our only space where we can go drink alcohol feel safe find someone to hook up with and not feel like embarrassed by trying to do that so yeah you just kind of you got to like watch yourself and check yourself when you come well i think that's also the other end of the spectrum isn't it where you're like you can go into a gay bar and the expectation would be that not that everyone every guy in there is going to be interested in you yeah but you would expect that at least they would have the same or similar sexual orientation that there may be an opportunity that they are interested in you and you shouldn't feel shameful or embarrassed. Whereas I guess if

you're walking into a gay bar and it's full of heterosexual people who are there for a party, you kind of don't really know who it is that you can and can't hit on. Yeah. And it's like, just like in the real world, like most of the guys I think are like hot, I probably can't go and flirt with because they're probably not going to be into me. But I know if I'm going to a gay bar, I'm like, well, I've got a pretty good chance here. You know what I mean? I know what you're saying, Brooke. Like when I first read it, I was like, oh, Maybe it is a case where as someone who's heterosexual, like you're not that welcome in this space,

but Universal has come out, they brought out their own statement saying like everybody, even in the name of the club, it is the most welcoming space. It is just this type of party, which is inherently obnoxious, which is inherently gimmicky when you actually think about it and the reasons why we're doing it, that's not invited or welcome. Yeah, like everyone is always welcome, everyone. And it's important for everyone to be welcome

and experience our culture and like our community, but just remember to respect it and remember that you're a guest but still enjoy yourself. And again, like I'm not a man and I haven't been to a bachelor party but I'll speak on behalf of the bachelorettes. I know a lot of friends and parties that have gone to gay bars and a lot of it is because they want to go and just feel safe in a space and they don't want to worry about being hit on.

They want to have fun. They want to be silly. I get a lot of the reasons behind it, maybe more the deep-seated reasons about like let's just go and know that none of these guys are going to hit on us because that's not their orientation so i understand that there are some reasons that attract people that are not necessarily always the gimmicky reasons and i know that a lot of it would be gimmicky it is fun it's a scene but i think there are other reasons that women are attracted to go there on a bachelorette as well yeah i totally agree with what you're saying

and it's so important that like everyone has a space they can go to and feel safe and there's a lot of crap that goes on in normal bars that women would feel uncomfortable with so totally but i think a big thing that does annoy queer people sometimes is that they'll come into that space and we're kind of treated like a bit of a gimmick and like the gay best friend kind of thing and it's like we're almost like an attraction at the zoo whereas like we're just like normal people living our lives at the end of the day it's a terrible thing to say i get it though totally but i'm just saying when you say it it's a it's a terrible thing for you to feel and i'm sure these people wouldn't have ever wanted to make you feel like that but there's i guess there's

this like we're fabulous don't get me wrong but like don't treat us like a gimmick yeah that's an interesting point of view that i wouldn't have thought about because i'm not a queer guy that experiences in a gay bar and also because you haven't been to a hen's party at a gay bar probably ever if not have you yes i've never on a hen's parties i've never ended up at a gay bar it was in newcastle not in sydney newcastle and many i was only 21 that would have been a good night a couple of decades ago thanks so much zanna for joining like it's so nice to get the perspective because obviously we have feelings and thoughts and when we read it we had our own like reactions to it but it's nice to hear about the reasons why from someone who actually spends

time in gay bars and has had to deal with fucking obnoxious hence parties oh thanks guys i love uncut so we love you let's get into vibe and unsubscribe before we answer your questions my vibe for the week i don't know if this is a hot take because i actually don't know how long it's been around but i think no one else had heard of it keisha hadn't heard of it brit hadn't heard of it. So I'm recommending a movie which I saw the other day. It's one of Logie. It's meant to be fucking amazing. And I watched it and I was like, it is truly amazing. It is called The Triangle of Sadness. Come at me if you've seen it. It sounds very depressing. Oh, it's not depressing. It's a black comedy. It's got Woody Harrison in it. It is very, very satirical. It's

very funny. It's very dark. It's kind of a bit gross because people end up vomiting on this cruise ship. But it's about the entitlement of the rich and the famous and the privileged. It's kind of like about rebalancing the hierarchy between the wealthy and the people who serve the wealthy and it's done in a very satirical and funny way um but it also makes you kind of walk away from it this is what it does it's not so much that you have a feeling afterwards but it makes you kind of question social hierarchy and it's a bit of a reflection of the way society works i don't know if i have the energy for that it's actually so good it is so good it's on amazon prime that's where we watched it okay well my vibe is not as complicated as that mine's very simple

Now, look, I am in, you guys might've seen, I've been posting about it, but I'm in my like green juice, iced coffee era. I'm green juicing every day. I'm iced coffee in every day. I'm having a real moment. When did this start and why did this start? Well, it started a couple of weeks ago when I got really unwell. You know, when I had that couple of weeks of really unwell, vomiting, nausea, I was

just so sick that I started, I went off my food from the illness. So I started doing these really healthy green juices and I went off hot coffee for a while. So I started having iced coffees. now this is my vibe when you have an ice coffee you put ice big ice cubes in it right and then the ice cubes if you're like me and you drink your coffee really slowly your ice cubes melt and it dilutes the coffee and it just becomes too watery so what I've started doing and it is so good I freeze ice cubes made of coffee so you put the coffee straight into the ice cube tray put it in the freezer and then your big chunky ice cubes are made of coffee and you put those in your ice

coffee and it makes it 10 times better and what you can do if you really want to up the ante is you make your ice cube a mocha so like you put your chocolate in it and the coffee into the ice cube tray and then you have this delicious slowly melting coffee chocolate ice cube it doesn't just mean that it gets stronger as you get less milk in your cup slowly get stronger too it's amazing it is the best it is such a vibe guys if you're a coffee drinker like me it's a game changer but If you're unorganized like me, it's actually really hard because you get to the morning and you're like, fuck, there's no ice cube. Well, you have to fill your ice cube tray, yeah, but it takes two seconds, Laura Byrne. Look, it's two seconds that I don't have.

You're never filling your ice cube tray. Anyway, let's get into answering all your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. Hit me with number one. Okay, bear with me. This is pretty heckers. I'm single and this year trying to have some more fun for me and some more experiences. I'm on a site that is primarily for hookups and I have found this guy who looks like he just walked off a GQ magazine shoot. We met and hit it off and he wants things to progress. The situation

is that he's married but there is no sex at all in his marriage apparently. I mean yeah according to him. Great. I'm sure if you ask his wife she probably feels differently. He has been totally upfront about it. He has said it wouldn't bother him who else I see. Personally I am fine with what he wants as that suits what I'm looking for too. It's his decision at the end of the day if he wants to cheat. I have not actively gone after him nor am I wanting to or ever would date him given his situation i.e. he's married. He has no intention of leaving his wife either. He has been clear about that. I am from another state so there's no risk of paths crossing with the wife. I know it's wrong but I'm so over doing what is right for everyone else when I just want to have

some fun. I think I deserve that. I have been cheated on in the past and it has happened to people in my family. I agree. It's horrible. But if it's not me, he will still do it with someone else. So it may as well be me. He's not going to leave his wife. He's just reiterated that it's just the sex that he's missing. My question and worry is that if I meet someone down the track, my penguin, do you think that this would be something that they would judge me for, given the situation does this make me a bad person that was such a big question but we got the gist I have a lot of feelings about this now look I don't think that cheating is black and white I don't think that if you're someone who cheats that you're instantly a bad person I think there are

many reasons why it happens in relationships few red flags with this one when you say you haven't actively pursued him you have like he told you his situation you pursued it you're still texting him you messaged us like you're pursuing like this that's that's a piece you know that's that's a that's a pursuer that's you are pursuing this even though he's given you and like when i say he's given you all the information you say he's been really really up front you've only been given half of the information you've been given his information his version of his relationship that he wants you to know which makes him feel better about the fact that he's about to be an arsehole or probably already has been an arsehole to his wife and cheated on her do i think it makes you

an asshole um look a little bit I think I think it's pretty callous and lacking in empathy to say well if he's not going to do it with me he's going to do it with someone else yeah he absolutely is going to do it with someone else but you don't have to be that person and I think when you say things like you know I don't want to think about other people I just want to think about myself you don't need to ask us if you're being an asshole you're saying it in your own question like you're not thinking about how this is going to affect other people and you are only thinking about yourself. And ultimately that is a selfish thing to do. But if you are okay with being selfish, who is anybody else to tell you that you can't do it? You know, you can go and do whatever

you want. You don't need us to say yes or no to it. You've already made it really clear in your question that you don't care if you're being selfish. It surprises me to say that you've been through and you've been on the receiving end of being cheated, that people in your family have been on the receiving end of being cheated. I wonder if you have ever been in a committed marriage and found out that your husband was cheating on you or whether you've just been cheated on by a boyfriend. And I say that because like obviously some levels of cheating are way more significant than others. Sometimes it means more, it's way more damaging to your life than if you find out your boyfriend of six months has cheated on you. So maybe you aren't able to feel

the full amount of empathy you should have or care that you should have for how this is going to affect his wife if she was to ever find out and you're just thinking about the fun that you want to have? Cause this guy is super hot. Ultimately me to answer this question, I think I wouldn't want to preface this. Like I very rarely feel this black and white about something. And I very rarely have judgment. I think we try and answer these questions without having any judgment, but I think that this is a pretty selfish and cruel way of looking at things. And I think if you have the opportunity to go and sleep with someone else who isn't in a relationship, who isn't necessarily lying to their wife, why would you not choose that? Why would you go and pursue

something with someone when you already know and you're already saying that you know it's selfish to do so? Yes. I mean, I don't want to say it's a hard one because morally for me, it doesn't feel like a hard one. No. Okay. All right. Here are my thoughts. Here's my internal monologue. you are definitely in your mind trying to make it okay you are saying you know I have asked him many times if he's tried to work on things with his wife and you know because this is said I don't know if I said that before be like I did try and ask him if he's worked on his wife and he said it's taken a year to come to this decision and I've really really made sure that this is what he wants which is great you know if you're going to have an affair great well you want to make sure

they're really committed it's consensual that's great it's still really shit and there are so many people in the world that you could be sleeping with especially because the only time these situations ever become tricky to answer is when you say I think this is my soulmate we think we're meant to be together and we're in the wrong situations and we can't stay away from each other and we think we need to leave and be together it's I agree it's so much worse because this is like premeditated you don't have not that it's premeditated all affairs are premeditated because you're all accepting to do it you know the situation but what I'm saying is the only way is remotely palatable is when you two people truly believe they're soulmates and then they

end up leaving and going to the sunset and they are together forever this you're like I genuinely would never fucking date him don't want to date him you're like I've got no interest in that you are just going for sex it's never okay to have an affair and I'm probably not making it clear enough but when I say it makes it more palatable it really does when I think oh okay you two ended up together because you were soulmates on this earth but you just want to have sex go and have sex with anyone there are so many hot sexy people that would froth if you went to them and said I'm looking for friends with benefits the second part of this is if you meet your penguin down the track do you think they would judge me given the situation yes I absolutely do I 100% do and

I'm saying that because I'm putting myself in the situation now if I met my partner just say it was Ben and he had told me this situation he was knowingly having an affair with a married woman for a long time didn't care about it because he just wanted to have fun I would 100% judge him for that and I probably wouldn't want to be in that situation they might still want to be with you but I have no doubt in the back of their mind they're gonna be like well that was that was a weird flex like I'm not sure why you did that yeah your question wasn't and I maybe I answered it wrong because your question wasn't you know do I think you're being an arsehole or what is my it was like am I a bad person and would my future partner judge me but I mean answering that second

part that you just did Brit this whole idea of like would someone in the future judge you I wouldn't be sharing that with my future partner if I had made that decision because all you're saying by telling this story and all you're saying by doing this is that you are selfish that you don't respect well that you don't care about the other person's feelings and you know obviously there's a big difference between empathy and sympathy it's like you don't know that person as in i.e his wife and you don't care if she's hurt in the process of this at all all you care about is how it makes you feel and the fun that you're going to have and the great times that you think you're going to have that haven't happened yet, but that you're projecting.

So I guess like the ability to kind of not consider somebody else's feelings is inherently quite a selfish way to behave. And if I was getting into a relationship with someone and they said to me, oh yeah, my past relationship, you know, I was with the guy for a year and he was cheating on his wife and I knew about it and I was cool with it. I may feel like I wouldn't be able to trust them completely. Like they don't have the level of care or empathy for other people that I would want in my long-term partner. Or the respect for a monogamous relationship, the respect for the vows a couple have made to each other.

So if you don't respect someone else's relationship, would you respect your own? Are they going to worry if you're just going to do that to your own relationship? It's, you know, there are layers to it. It is unusual that you would want to tell your future partner. Yeah, I'd be keeping that shit secret. But that's, hey, you do you, but that's our opinion.

I mean, this one genuinely is a tricky one because I would say very, very few times in the four years that we have been doing this have I gotten a question where I felt like I was judging the decision of the person who was writing it in like usually I think we try and take a really measured even approach and we kind of look at things from all sides but I don't know if there is a side of which you can look at this question without the answer just being that the person who's writing it in is being selfish and I know that that sounds really harsh and if you're listening to this I'm sorry because I think that that would be a really hurtful thing to hear but at the moment

you can either do exactly what it is that you want to do and not care about what we say because I mean you've already kind of said that you don't care you want to have your own fun or you can take a moment consider it and really think about is that the type of person you want to be is that the type of situation you want to put yourself in and is this the kind of life and drama you want to bring into your life which it absolutely will come with drama and it will come with a whole lot of other stuff you haven't quite figured out yet. I have a question for you. Would you feel differently about this if she was an escort?

So would you feel differently if he was going to an escort and it was, you know, he's in a relationship, he's in a marriage and he's using the same escort? Would you feel like the escort was being as selfish as someone who's not being paid to do the job? It wouldn't be different for me, no. So you would think an escort would be equally as selfish in that instance? yeah essentially it's the same thing especially if it's a recurring escort which is often what

happens right we've spoken to Samantha X in the past who is one of Australia's you know most renowned most well-known and highest earning escorts she's not anymore but she definitely was and she said a lot of married men came to her and it's very interesting because I don't think from memory you had the same level of disdain for her because it was her job as this person. Do you think that's correct? I think it's different for me. So I remember when Samantha X was speaking about it and she had said that, you know, some of her very long-term clients were people who were in marriages and the wives didn't know about it. I don't hold that against her because it's her job as much as I hold it against someone who's doing it just purely for

their own gratification. Cause they think that those things are two different things. If you're doing it because it's an income, because sex work is your ability to pay your rent, to take care of yourself to live you don't have the same opportunity to say no as what you do if you're just doing it for pleasure because you can get pleasure from anywhere but you can't make an income from anywhere it's interesting because I do know what you're saying in that and it's definitely food for thought I think also now that I'm thinking about it it's probably the way it was brought to us in the conversation we had and what I mean by that is when Samantha X was talking about it she actually put it in a way whereas she's like a lot of it's quite caring and I genuinely feel

Like I'm helping these people and sometimes I listen to them like therapy and it was the way she presented it whereas this girl's written it and been like, I don't give a fuck. I want to have sex. I want to be selfish. It's time to choose me. I think it might be the way it's been written. But I don't know.

For me, at the end of the day, I wouldn't care if my husband had gone to a Friends With Benefits that he wasn't paying for or if he was going to an escort that he was paying for. For me, it doesn't matter. The hurt's the same. You can't get from me what you need. You're deceiving me. You're lying to me.

and you're fucking someone else, that for me is very hurtful. Well, I think like to just tie this one up. It's an interesting chat. It really is. And I wonder how, like, please write in and let us know how you guys feel about this. But I think the one part of the question that I keep coming back to in my mind is when you said, well, if he's not going to do it with me,

he's going to do it with someone else. And if I was you, I would be letting him do it with someone else because you're not responsible for his bad behaviour, but you are absolutely responsible for your own behaviour. Okay, question number two. this has been a question that's been on my mind for a while I've been with my partner for two years now and he has a child with his ex-partner we were looking at his photos on his phone and I saw some baby bump pictures of her then came across an album of her whole pregnancy at the

start of our relationship but I've never wanted to ask am I being a complete psychopath and jealous because I really want a baby with him but he isn't ready so him having these photos makes me feel super sad and i feel like this is such a horrible thing for me to feel also some of these photos she is completely naked in is this okay no they've been together for two years okay i want to start with the nakedness okay this is the mother of his child so he is going to have a connection to her forever forever so you definitely need to be on board with that and that's okay like he's with you now you've been with him for years obviously you guys are okay with that and it's amicable great is it okay to have some photos in his phone maybe of her

maybe when she was pregnant maybe is it okay for him to have nude photos no like I don't think it matters that she's pregnant in the nude photos or if it was when they were just doing sexy photos of each other it doesn't matter I don't think it's ever okay to have naked photos of their ex in their phone i have a okay i have a different feeling and this might be controversial i think we need to know the context of what kind of naked photos they are because a lot of people have really beautiful artistic pregnancy baby bump photos taken where there's nudity but it's not like you'd still post them on social media so i think if they're those kind of naked photos in terms of them being like a beautiful remembrance way a remembrance that was weird but a beautiful way

of remembering the pregnancy then it's okay if it's just at home photos that were taken on his iphone of her being nude and pregnant not okay i have two feelings towards if it's a professional photo shoot fine but would it matter but does that matter because it's at the end of the day i know it's the mother of the child and that's the bit that's iffy for me because it's always the connection so that's where you got to let probably some things slide a little bit but does that mean just because they're the mother of your child that you still need to have pregnancy nude shoots in there? Like imagine if you met Matt and he'd had a child with someone else and he had a whole photo album of his ex pregnant and there were nudes in there. Like,

would you think you'd be okay with that? No, I don't think I'd be okay with it. I want to make this very clear. What I mean is when I say nude photos that are professional photos, I mean, if they're photos that she would post on social media, if they're photos that would be publicly shared or you shared it with your friends and family, if they're public photos, then it's okay. But if it's photos that she would feel exposed by, that there would be any sort of intimacy, that there would be an expectation that they would have been deleted. If they have photos that she doesn't know you have, like, I mean, you guys, I don't want this to be a gray area. You know exactly how we feel about people keeping nude photos of their exes. We've talked about it

many times on this podcast it's wildly fucking not okay my only thought with this is if it's stuff that she has already shared publicly and she's okay with sharing publicly then it's not like it's this sordid like secret i'm keeping sexy photos of my ex no but it's still a whole album dedicated to the ex i guess on the phone okay so let's remove the naked photos because let's say blanket let's delete those do you think that he needs to delete all photos of her being pregnant because I don't. And I think that it's really important. I mean, that's an experience that he had with his ex. That's the birth of his child. I understand why that creates feelings of jealousy in you. But at the same time, I do think there has to be some level of acceptance that

that is still the mother of his baby. And he's allowed to have memories of that time in his life in his phone or to keep them as well. Yeah. And look, I don't want to just say, let's take away the nakedness. I know what you're trying to do to like get to the bottom of if we think it's okay but like the fact is they're there you are also very upset that you're wanting that with him as well and he's not ready to give you that and that is a really horrible place to be when you really really want something especially as big as bringing a child into the world like that maternal feeling there's nothing quite like it and when he's not ready to give you that but you know he has that shared experience I think it adds an extra layer of emotion so if you

you probably weren't as invested in having that family life with him and you came across the album i'm sure it would still sting a bit but maybe not quite as much because there is probably a level of jealousy in there which is okay because he does have a situation with someone and he's already done that and had those experiences and you really want them actually i don't know why if i'm hormonal right now it makes me really upset to think about it i feel like i could cry talking about it because it is a really sad thing when you want something and you can't have it as big as that as well and it's not as easy for everyone but what I would suggest in this situation it's tricky to bring this up with him if he doesn't know you've seen the album if this is you just going into his

phone without him knowing it's a tricky situation because then you're going to have to say look I went into your phone and I saw this but I think if it's bothering you that much you just need to have a conversation and maybe you approach it in a really mature way and you say I get that there's the connection there I get the motherly child and I know you want these photos and it was a part of your life could it be something where we meet halfway could we put the album onto your laptop so it's maybe not on your phone all day every day like it's not that because there is an accessibility attached to a phone as a laptop like I the photos on my laptop albums like you don't really look at but they're there if you need them when something's on your phone it's

the idea that they could be anywhere anytime and pull them up and look at them so I think that that could be a really nice way to meet halfway he's never going to get rid of everything to do with his partner nor should he have to but it's a happy medium well I think the thing is is like he's not going to get rid of all the things to do with his ex-partner but not because it's his ex-partner it's because it's his baby like they're different you know like they're different but they're the same yeah the connection I totally agree I think this one is a really really hard one because we don't want to undermine any of the feelings that you have around feeling jealous or feeling inferior and when you have this constant reminder when your current partner already shares what you

want to have but with their ex it's almost like not only do you not have the baby that you want with your current partner you also would have this feeling that your relationship you haven't had all the experiences that they've had with someone else you haven't why not me you know like you picked her you did it with her why don't you do with me like that feeling but I think you know and maybe I mean I know it just comes down to the photos and the reminder and everything but I do also understand why especially if he has a baby and the child's only really young why he wouldn't want to you know jump headfirst and have another one just yet it's not to say that he doesn't ever want to have that with you and maybe there's like two conversations that need to be

had here maybe there's the conversation about the images and how it makes you feel and he may not even be aware of it and maybe there's the second conversation around do you want to have more children and is that with me and can you see us having kids in the future because I think that they're two very different things and both of them are making you feel insecure not just the photos it's the lack of having what you want in your life yeah but to completely validate you your feelings of being uncomfortable with that are valid. I feel the same. Producer Keisha said the same.

And I think, Laura, you feel the same. Now, we understand it, but your feelings are valid. Yeah, I mean, maybe a little bit. I know for the two of you, you feel like they shouldn't be on the phone at all and like he shouldn't have them. Not necessarily they shouldn't, but I think that's the happy medium. I think that that's where you would meet for this because you can't say delete them, but you're uncomfortable

with them being so accessible. So for me, I feel like that's what you do, right? Yeah. And I guess I see it a little bit different in terms of, I think that you can go through and there are absolutely photos that he can delete off his phone. Like if there's anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, I think in terms of the memories around the experience of becoming a father of this experience of pregnancy, I don't think that you can kind of expect that he's going to erase all of that. So I do think that there is a little part of it where you have to be okay with the fact that your current partner has this history and is always going to have some

connection to his ex-partner but it's his pregnancy as well and I guess I say that because you know Matt feels very attached to my pregnancy like he loved me being pregnant it was like a really beautiful time for us in terms of not just for us in our relationship which I get you know once again that would make you feel insecure and jealous but in terms of like bringing our kids into the world you know that's where they started so I would think that if we ever separated which is never going to happen but if it did happen he probably would have photos of me being pregnant in his phone I don't know I don't I don't think I would expect that he would delete that whatever I honestly this it's a really really hard one and I think the only thing you can do in this instance

is have a conversation about it making you feel uncomfortable and I think there has to be a happy medium between which photos are deleted and which photos are kept for memories yeah and if you have the conversation like we've just had if you genuinely because I'm actually really curious now if you genuinely ask him why they're still there what feelings they incite when he looks at them maybe when he explains it all jealousy will be gone maybe when he explains that it's the connection to the child you won't feel any of these insecurities anymore but there's a lot to be said for running with something and assuming something assuming this is why they have it assuming this is the feeling it incites you don't know and it can get you into a lot of trouble have

a convo and ask him why and what it does for him and I think he might be really surprised with the answer yeah and also explaining to him what it does to you also let us know because we do want the aftermath we really want to ask uncut aftermath we genuinely like I really want to know how this one goes down and what the outcome is I also really want to know how the last one went down so if you have a fair one absolutely tell us what the hell happened there if you have any aftermath for us like I feel like we're well overdue for one of those catch-up episodes anyway okay last question hit me question number three very keen for your advice ladies my partner and i have been together for six years and lived together for four my ideal my ideal bedtime is 10 p.m however my

partner's is until 11 p.m i like to go to bed at the same time this is so for you laura i like to go to bed at the same time as i tend to sleep better and don't get interrupted when he gets in and might seem comical, we often argue about bedtime. Is this an area of contention in our relationship? How do you suggest we manage it? Presume other couples like to go to bed at different times also. There must be a solution. Yeah, Matt and I go to bed at different times.

You fight about it all the time. No, no, no. I fight about him sitting on his phone. You like turn your phone off, bitch. Yeah, that's different. If he sits on his phone at night time, that's different. No, no. I go to bed, this is literally us.

I could have written this. I go to bed at 10 and Matt goes to bed at 11, 11.30 sometimes. Fucking sometimes he comes to bed at midnight. I go to bed at midnight every night. Yeah, but you don't have to get up for kids. No, I definitely don't. I've got to get up at 2.30 in the morning for kids and then I have to get up again when they wake up at 6.

That definitely changes things. Yeah, it's awful. So, I mean, yes, of course it's a bit annoying. Of course it's a bit annoying that they wake you up. Suck it up. You can't make your partner go to bed at the same time as you. I mean, you can't make him. You actually cannot.

Like you can't make him go to bed at 10pm. You can't be like, bedtime, lights off. All you can do is like ask him to have everything in place for when he does go to bed you can be like okay cool you i'm gonna go to bed at 10 you're gonna go to bed 11 you always wake me up can you make sure you've brushed your teeth you've got your pajamas on you're not fucking rummaging around in the wardrobe you're not coming and yeah you're using the fucking ensuite in the middle of the night drying your hair electric toothbrush exactly go and do all the bedtime things so all you have to do is literally come in in the dark get in the

bed that's it and i think and unless you're an elephant stomping around like i actually am a very heavy walker but like absolutely that is the answer like that is the answer you can't make someone go to bed which is what I said to you a couple of weeks ago when we did this Laura you can't make him you were wrong Matt sits on his phone in bed I can make him stop sitting on his phone in bed I mean the people spoke the poll came back pretty strongly you're all wrong you're all fucking wrong you can't lay in bed during sleeping hours and be on your phone no you distract people with your lights on you need to let your husband live a little if he wants to stay up an extra hour and watch some Netflix you gotta let him stay up or alternatively have a spare bedroom

like if you are so not wanting to get woken up and you have a spare bedroom then you sleep in separate beds that night like I mean sometimes I get up in the middle of the night this is what we do in our household now Marley wakes up and she gets into our bed but like because our kids they're like on a rotating sleep cycle like Lola wakes up at 2 30 wants a bottle I know she's too old for bottle don't come to me mums whatever she wakes up she wants a bottle Marley wakes up at like two and she gets into bed with us and so when Marley gets into our bed that's my cue to get up and go and get into her bed because I don't want to be woken up again during the night time so like you can't control your partner and the time that he goes to sleep all you can do is try and control

your reaction to it so therefore if that means sleeping somewhere separate and you have to that's pretty much the only thing you can do and that's very very drastic totally and it's as long as he's got respect as long as he's like we just said no hair dries no masturbation when you get into bed imagine waking up and your partner it's 11 p.m your partner's gone in bed and he's just started masturbating and like brushing his teeth and electric toothbrush at the same time it is annoying don't get me wrong i totally can appreciate how annoying it is but sometimes our partners are annoying and you just have to suck it up because that's what cohabitating is i tell you what you all wonder why i do long distance but there is something

to be said for it that is it from us today guys please keep your questions coming in to life uncut podcast instagram we also want your accent unfiltered can't believe they said that embarrassing story is confessional is anything you think would froth on we want to hear it also we said the last couple of weeks but we really want to collate the ask uncut aftermath we want to know follow up so if we've ever answered a question or your friend's question just give us a little reminder what the question was and then the outcome because i lose sleep over it i genuinely don't even have a partner you're okay i'll let you sleep over it you're going to bed at 10 p.m no not even necessarily just you're okay like we want to know that because sometimes we just want to know what

happened what way you went down did you confront them did you break up did you stay together like we want to know all this stuff so please send those in as well and that is it don't forget tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love We'll be right back.