Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - How could you leave your baby?!

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Hey Lifers,It's time for therapy Thursday!First up we're unpacking a mother that's been slammed in the news for going away on a girl's weekend and leaving her 3 month old baby with the father of the child. The bar is low...Then we're jumping into your deep dark and burning questions:1. How do I get over the guilt of breaking up with someone and breaking their heart? 2. My housemate's new boyfriend has started staying at our house up to 6 nights per week. They've been together for just 3 months now. I get along with him and it's nothing against him. I'm starting to feel as though I'm cleaning up after them at all times. I need some advice on how to approach the situation3. Should I tell my friend that I'm trying for a baby as I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding?4. Short and sharp one- in hetero dating, do you peg your partner? If you're one of our sneaky little lifers who loves an ep but hasn't left a review wherever you're listening, we'd love for you to take the spare min to do so! Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany.

And it is the day after the live show. It is. The live show was last night, which I can only imagine was wild. But as we recorded this on Tuesday, because we had the live show, we can't be sure. It's going to be fucking great, though. I'm hoping we can say it went well. and you know what if it didn't go well you will all know about it because it's being live streamed so that is truly frightening well it has been wild this is past it's like it could have been

who knows it's all a mystery you know but right now we don't and that's pretty much what we're getting at we're going to talk about that more on tuesday when we can actually talk about it live like it happened yes we are having to pre-record this we're recording this episode on tuesday and the reason for that is because tomorrow literally from the minute we wake up to the minute we go to bed we have a live show to prep plan and also perform on stage so it's going to be a fucking disaster don't say that it's going to be incredible but anyway enough about the show that we can't talk about do you know what I have something I wanted to speak about before we get into answering all your deep your dark your burning questions there's been something that has

made the rounds in the news in the last couple of days and it gave me a lot of feels especially coming off the back of my hands if you didn't listen to Tuesday's episode last weekend me and some of my closest, nearest and dearest, Brit, Keisha and all my other girlfriends, we all went away for the weekend for a couple of nights. And now of my girlfriends, there are several mums who have newborn babies, a couple of months old babies and also a couple of pregnant women as well. I mean, we're really in that phase of just having babies. There are also some single people there too. Not many, just Brit. No, Keisha. And Jazzy. Actually, there were three. But look, there is and has been a few articles around Ashley Bynes. I don't know if you know who she is. I'm sure a

lot of you do, but she is a fitness entrepreneur. She's quite famous across social media. She's been controversial for different reasons in the past, but the reason why she's in the media in the last couple of days is because she has a three month old baby. She also has a seven year old with her husband and she went away on a girl's weekend for two nights, 48 hours away from her three month old baby now she left her baby not in the closet not you know with a stranger down the street she left her baby with her husband the man who she chose to procreate with took care of the child for two nights and unfortunately because social media likes to weigh in on everything this poor woman has caught some abuse from her followers or from people who have seen the fact that she's been

away from her three-month-old baby for two days and felt like they needed to weigh in with their opinion comments like how could you leave your baby with Steve for that long that is so wrong Ashley Bynes had if you don't know she does have 1 million followers on Instagram we know that's a lot of people's opinions it's a lot of opinions flying at you and we know that people don't always follow you and just have positive things to say so she has said her inbox is filled up with these negative comments and I actually like the way she responded and I think that's the important thing here whether you agree with everything she has ever said or you disagree there's been things I disagree with I agree with her message here she said I know judgment has come flying my way for

leaving my baby girl for 48 hours but hear me out I love my baby but I also love my friends I love my baby but I also love travel and variety I love my baby but also love doing fun things just for me I love my baby and fully trust and love Steve having his bonding time with the kids and can enjoying myself knowing they are happy and safe the only thing she has done here there's no way she's she hasn't just left her baby on the side of the street with no food in the cold she's left it in her home with her loving husband maybe she's breastfeeding if she has she would have expressed milk if she's not and it's on formula she has left the baby food she doesn't have to leave the baby food the dad can go and get formula from the shops well she said if this was steve going away for two

days or any man going away for two days you wouldn't hear about it everyone would be like have fun have a great time no it would not even be a question and I think that this is a pretty shitty thing to see that a woman has gone away with her friends for not even it wasn't even two it wasn't even 48 hours it was less than that and she's copying a barrage of hate for what because she's not at home nurturing her little child like I'm not a mom so it's hard for me to comment but Laura I imagine I mean we've spoken about in the past but I imagine when you have a baby there is a level of you lose your identity and you lose your old life and you miss your old life and you want to try and hold on to that part of your life I mean there's all kinds of mums and

I think that that's why it's so fine and why we shouldn't judge other people there are mums who could not even fathom being away from their child at the three-month mark and a big reason for that probably is because they have incompetent partners who don't know what they're doing and haven't been actively trying to be involved that that's one thing or it could be that they're breastfeeding therefore they can't be away from their child or because they have high anxiety around it all those things are completely fine then there are other types of mums who you know maybe their child is already bottle formula fed whatever it is for you know because that's their choice to do so and they are so confident with their partner's involvement in raising their children and this

actually was so interesting to me even when we went away for our hands on the weekend it was so obvious the two types of parenting that existed so some of my friends had written a detailed list for their husbands they had literally printed out this is what time they go to bed this is what time they need to be this is what you give them for the breakfast this is where the clothes are this is it was like a scheduled and formulaic so that nothing could go wrong and it was printed out and put on the fridge that was one end of the spectrum on the other end of the spectrum there were people like me who literally just kissed matt goodbye and walked out of the house i didn't check a single thing because I have full confidence that Matt knows exactly what to do if not better

than me because he has the kids more often than I have the kids all day so I think like it's when you see these negative comments and when another mum judges someone you know when one mum judges Ashley Bynes because she's taken two days away from her children and that mother can't possibly imagine taking two days away from her children yeah it's well that's exactly it right what it is, is it's a reflection of how, of their relationship. It's a reflection of what is normal to them and what they could possibly handle. And I think that we can't impart what's normal to us on other people because we all parent so, so differently. But I think going back to something you said, Britt, like when it comes to dads and the expectations around the

involvement, the bar is pretty fucking low. I mean, like Matt did Dancing with the Stars for six weeks six days after Lola was born he was not home he literally was not home for 16 hours a day because he was off dancing if I like have fun sweetie if I had given birth and then I was like cool Lola's on a bottle uh I'm gonna go and dance for six 16 hours a day I mind you I'd be very tired but imagine if I had done that the judgment I would have received for going and doing a reality tv show the you know the minute a kid had come out of me would be so vastly different but we just have extremely different standards for how we hold mothers versus how we hold dads. Not one person messaged Matt and said, oh, wow, you've just had a baby. Shouldn't you be home with the baby? Not a

single person. I said it. Don't worry. I made him feel well aware of it, but not one person messaged him. And I guess like for me, that's when that caveat between the expectations on mums and the expectations on dads and how we have these incredible society norms really was so obvious to me. Speaking about how there are so many different kinds of mums and dads and parenting styles. This happened last weekend. So all of my friends, you know, I'm at the age, all my friends are mums. Like I'm the anomaly. And I went to one of their birthday parties. I haven't seen a lot of these people in a long time. It was one of those really nice catch ups. Anyway, one of the mums there started to tell this story about she's got two little kids with her husband, you know,

great couple, great family life. Everything's amazing. But she's always been the one that does most of the work with the kids he's gone to work anyway she had this one day that she's like I have to get up and go to a meeting very early 6 a.m so like this is the first time in years there's a three-year-old you have to do everything like you're gonna have to yes wait he's like okay I get it what and so she wrote a list she started to write a list right the morning routine is not even that hard you literally just get them out of bed get some Weet-Bix into them put some clothes on them pack a bag and take them to daycare I mean that's that's my morning so then everyone else's but that's what my morning looks like that's exactly right so she starts to say to him

like I'm gonna tell you what to do let's go through the day he's like I'm not an idiot like they're my kids too just let me do it like just have some faith she's like wow okay she gets up 6 30 she goes to work she gets a call at probably like midday saying hey is it okay if we give the kids some food and is there a reason they don't have any food today and she was like what do you mean she's like well there's they're hungry they're really hungry like they didn't pack lunch no so she called him and she goes what did you pack the kids for lunch today and he goes what do you mean what did i pack them he's like what have you given the kids to eat for the entire day for the eight hours and he's like i didn't give him any food she's like that's your that is your

one job he's like i didn't know i had to feed them for their day out at daycare but like she's like wow like all you have to do is feed your child like see i have a lot of feelings about this when you say that you know she was trying to give him instructions on how to run the day smoothly and then he was dismissive of that like oh no I've got it I've already got it dialed for me I look at this as though imagine that this was an office space and you're high level skilled in your job you do your job every single day and for one day you're stepping out of it and you need somebody to come in and replace you imagine imagine if you were trying to give them instructions on how to do your job the most efficiently and they turned around said to you don't worry about it your job's

easy I've got that you'd be so annoyed that they're dismissive of the work that you do but also that they think that your job is so easy that they don't require any assistance at all and that's what he has done here in this situation and I guess like it's one quick way to learn it's one quick way to kind of be put in your spot where he's then sent them to daycare and they've had no food but you don't want your kids to be the butt of that right you don't want your kids to be the ones who miss out who go to daycare who don't have food because the only ones who are disadvantaged in that whole situation are the kids. Oh, yeah.

And, I mean, like this took a way more serious turn than I thought it was going to. No, because the kids, let's be clear, the kids live in a very loving home and they didn't go hungry. The daycare was just like, are you happy for us to give them this on a sandwich? Like they were just approving the food. It's not like the kids weren't starving all day.

It's just funny that she's like, wow, this has been happening for three years and you didn't know how our days run. Like you didn't know what you have to do. There was just such a disparity. But that's the reality. and I know it's funny to look in on it and I know it's funny to go like oh I thought this was going to be light-hearted but I cannot tell you the amount of conversations I have had with friends who are mums who every day their partners don't know the load the mental load the workload the

child caring load that they do and therefore the work that they do is dismissed as being easy it happens every day and I guess like as a mum it's something I'm very sensitive about and I'm very lucky that it doesn't happen in my household but I see it all the time and I think like with this and this conversation where we go back to Ashley Bynes, it's other people's perception of how their relationship works that's being projected onto her. Look, at the end of the day, he learned his lesson and I think it's safe to say those kids are going

with a three-course meal every single day to daycare now. Like they're the kids that everyone wants to go and take their food. They've got the buffet. They've got all you can eat. Like those kids are doing just fine. All right, let's get into answering all of your deep, your dark and your burning questions. And I'm going to kick it off with question number one.

It's always a good place to start. I love it starts at one. All right. How to get over the immense amount of guilt that I am ruining someone else's life when breaking up with someone. For context, I have just broken up with my boyfriend of over two years. Yes, we did have some issues that weren't being resolved, hence the breakup, but I can't shake this immense feeling of guilt that I've wasted his time and don't want him to not find happiness again. He has to already move out and miss out on our trip overseas at the end of the year. And I feel like it's all just too much for him. So basically she doesn't regret

breaking up. She's happy that she's broken up. She doesn't want to be with him. She just feels guilty for ruining his life. I mean, without doubt, historically speaking, I've been in a situation, but I can tell you, he is going to be just fine. This is unfortunately a part of life that almost every single person is going to experience at some point. Even if they don't experience a hardcore breakup, they're going to experience hurt and disappointment and that feeling of being let down or that feeling of starting again, whether that's starting to get a new place a relationship a job these feelings are normal it's great that you feel guilt because that means you're human that means you're feeling that you're empathetic you're feeling things you

loved this person and they loved you so this is actually a good thing guilt means you're not a sociopath it means you have a connection to reality and a connection to other humans so like this is a nice feeling to know that you've got and that you cared about him all you can do is be supportive in the breakup being supportive of him if he does need anything that sounds like you ended very amicably you just grew apart but the worst thing you can do is put your life on hold because you are that worried about somebody else moving on like I literally didn't break up with my ex for like 18 months because I was like he's never gonna move on like I can't picture him out in the wild on his own like yeah he doesn't know how to live alone without me he's never gonna

find anyone better than me the poor guy will be doomed he's never gonna be happy again I can't do that to him anyway like 10 years later I'm still the one that hasn't moved on he's he's well and truly moved on that guy's done just fine do you know what this is the big thing and i think i like and i resonate with that so much brit like i dated someone and for literally a year an entire year of our relationship i wanted to break up but i just one i couldn't get the balls and two i felt so guilty because i thought he would be so miserable i would ruin his life guess what he is married and he has kids and he's so fucking happy to be with someone who actually loves him what a better relationship that is and I think that's the big thing right like we see our lives based on where

we are right there in that moment and we think god they're going to be so hurt and of course they're going to be so hurt but it's much better to have gone through a bad breakup to get to the other side of that breakup and then to one day be with someone who chooses you and who loves you and wants to be with you rather than being in a relationship with someone when you know or you know it turns out that that person doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you anymore And do you ever think though, Brit, like when you look back on it, on one part you can be like, yeah, I was really empathetic. But on the other part, look back and think, God,

I had an inflated sense of my own ego that he was never going to be happier than when we were together. A hundred percent. It's the classic. And for me it's been from day one, like I'm the one before the one. Like I get them, like I free them out into the world to go find their happy ending. I'm like, fly free.

They break up. You guys are breaking up and they're like, I'm never going to be happy. And you're like, oh, trust me, you will. and I'm here statistics says you absolutely will be fine 80% of the time it works every time I'm still in the supermarket crying because I ran out of pumpkins like we have gone very different directions like this person is going to be okay it might take them a little bit longer maybe you'll go through something that's like a regression you question what you did in your decision as well maybe like have I made a mistake I miss him I miss the situation did I do the right thing

can I say one thing on this though yeah okay yeah it's your podcast all right I do worry I do worry about this question and the reason why is because I think I see a young Laura I see myself in you uh young one the reason why I worry a little bit is because I think if you feel this immense amount of guilt like if you're like I am so guilty for making him feel bad often when you feel that level of guilt you feel like you're responsible to make them feel better like you don't want them to hurt so you also want to like when they call or they text you want to be there to support them through it. Now, this is harsh, but it is the absolute truth. You cannot break up with someone and also be their support person to support them through it. That is really, really actually quite a cruel

thing to do that to that person, because all it's doing is giving them hope that maybe you'll get back together. So you can't make yourself a hundred percent available all of the time to them into every single need and want. There has to be some sort of severance. And I don't mean fucking ghost them and never talk to them again. But I do mean that you have to be quite set and firm in that you're not going to be with them anymore. And that means no cuddling to make them feel better. No kisses, no like little canoodles because you know, you're trying to do the soft detach from each other. That is actually like a really slow and torturous way of, especially if you are absolute in your mind of breaking up with someone

because it just prolongs the hurt and the pain. And I think that we can be really guilty of doing that when we feel so guilty ourselves I just had another thought Brittany was like okay guilty as well I had another thought sometimes because as you were speaking Laura I was just thinking back to you know you think about when you've been in that situation but another thought that I had was sometimes when you feel this high level of guilt it's because you don't think that your hurt is going to match their hurt and maybe that means you've checked out or you moved on a little bit before them and I think I've done that in the past I remember I broke up with someone overseas and he was crying and crying he didn't want it to end and you know he was begging me and i had i literally

i stood there like a sociopath like i felt nothing and i felt horrible because of it like my guilt didn't come from the breakup in that situation my guilt came from oh my god i feel so bad that i don't feel more bad like i feel so bad that i don't feel as guilty as i should for how you're hurting right now and it wasn't because i'm not a human it's just because i had already checked out so guilt can come from that as well you need to work out why you feel it but i think the best thing for you to do is cut some contact for a little while and maybe just focus on moving on yourself because it's not a nice feeling to sit in and the more you think about it the more that you look at their stories the more you have contact like laura said the more you check in

cuddle and kiss them you're just going to drag that feeling out guilt isn't a feeling that we want to hold on to and elongate if we don't have to it's not a feeling that is necessary it's not there's not necessarily it's a necessary part of a breakup so I think it's just not necessary to hold on to it all right did you guys get that question number two I'm coming in with question number two bear with me hey girls I live with one other flatmate a female when I moved in she had a boyfriend they then broke up and she now has a new boyfriend within the month now nothing against that it's just context because things have moved very quickly we have quite a small house one lounge room one bathroom and one small kitchen at the start he was at our house two to three nights

a week now he's staying at my house six nights a week that's too much they've been together for three months now it's very full-on i do really like him we get along it's absolutely nothing against him for more context i do most of the cleaning and i'm starting to feel like i'm the one cleaning up after them at all times. He eats my food. I'm a shift worker. And when I'm trying to sleep, he's really loud and disrespectful in the house, making a lot of noise. And last night when he was drunk, he put a hole in one of our walls. Now I heard him do this. Today I brought it up with my housemate who then proceeded to say the hole was already there. Well, pretty much I just wanted advice as to how I approach this. I find myself anxious to come home, frustrated that

I'm always cleaning up after them. Note, prior to this, our house was very clean. My housemate used to be really good. She's really shy and emotional, so I don't want to upset her. But at the end of the day, I pay to live in the house and he does not. Sometimes I can't even sit in the living room because they just overtake it. I feel like I can't live in my own house. What do I do? Oh, that is so full on. Do you know what? It's really hard because when you live in a share house, you obviously always want your housemate to feel like they can bring their boyfriend or girlfriend or partner whoever it is over because you want them you know you don't want to impact their relationship you want them to be able to live and be happy but at the same time

six times a week if you guys have never discussed that I think personally in a share house situation is too many times unless they're paying for bills and they're contributing to the household especially when this is a tiny obviously they've said it's a tiny house it's a tiny little lounge room one little bathroom the thing I find the funniest in this and this isn't a funny situation but what I did laugh at is that he's put a hole in the wall and they've tried to say the hole was already there like you know if your house has a hole in the wall could be a very small hole that maybe she's like unless it's a pinprick uh this is true this is true I think this is a really difficult one but you absolutely have legs to stand on in this situation how would you approach it I

definitely would say something and maybe you can't say they need to come around less maybe that's not where you're at but if that level is going to be maintained if he's going to continuously be there six nights a week that is full-time living you can pay rent he's either got to contribute to the food and the groceries the bills the weekly rent because essentially there's not two people living there anymore there's three six out of seven nights you're probably all there six out of seven nights you're a shift worker you're probably not there some nights so I feel like you're living the same amount I think you need to say you know we love a compliment sandwich we've spoken about a compliment sandwich so come in and start hot hey I love Geordie he's he's great you

guys are cute together. I'm so glad you're happy. But I think maybe if he's going to keep being here for six nights a week, we probably need to take another look at the rent and the payments because essentially there's three of us living here now, which is cool, but we need to sort out what that looks like for the three of us. Yeah. And I think that that's really, I think that's a very fair way of approaching it. But also when it comes to cleaning, because I think sometimes it's not even about money. Sometimes it's just about like the general, how you want your house to be lived in, you know, like feeling like you walk in because it's so easy as a couple to take over a space. Like one mug that's been left in the sink instantly turns into two mugs that have

been left in the sink. And I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but like one person's dinner plate is two people's dinner plate. One person cooking is now two people cooking. And it's just, everything is doubled. And I guess explaining that to her a little bit, but I know that it can be really anxiety inducing to kind of have these conversations where you think they're going to be really confrontational but these sorts of chats don't have to be confrontational it's not about saying like you know you've done this and I'm not happy it's really just about saying like obviously exactly like Britt said you know I love that you guys are together you know I really like him and make sure that it's known that you really like him as a person but just say you

know I just want you to be super aware that sometimes I do feel like a little out of place because you know you guys are a couple therefore you take up physically more of the house and I don't really feel like when you're laying on the couch and you're watching TV that I can come in and sit down and I know you say it's fine but I don't really feel like the space is open to me and also I feel like you know that things have not been as clean lately because there's just more people living in the house that's just what happens is there any way that we can look at a better system for making sure that kind of the house is a standard that we always used to live at because it's only something I've been noticing in the last couple of months I think like try and

do it in a soft, non-accusatory way. And most of the time we can be so frightened about having these conversations, like so fearful. And then when you actually do it, you're like, oh, that was not even half as bad as I thought it was going to be. The other thing is, and this is something that I would think about is because I definitely like my own space. I like my house clean. I like things away. Are you going to laugh at that? Cause my house is a pigsty right now. It's fucking also often like this though. I'm just so busy. I cannot even function right now. Or it's like I like to live in my own filth, not other people's filth, which is totally fine.

100%. But what I would probably look at doing or maybe having a conversation and maybe it's a way that you can bring it up is like, hey, do you think you and Geordie – I mean you and Geordie look pretty serious. He's here like full time. Do you guys think that this is – do you see this being a real serious relationship and you think that this could continue and he could maybe be a person?

If she says yeah, I personally would probably look at maybe moving out into a different situation because the house that you've moved into is set up for two people if you don't want to live like that you can't really tell your friend they can't have people over so yeah that's the hard one and you also there's nothing worse than not feeling comfortable in your own home not even wanting to go home after a shift because you're like I can't like I can't face this person I can't face the space that should be your safe haven it should be where you're comfortable and you can go and just really be you and be happy so if you're not it sucks that you have to be the one that's like maybe I'll look and you don't have to maybe you can ask them if

they want to look for somewhere else but I think if you bring it up like that you're like hey maybe I might actually have a look around for something else because I just feel like this space isn't big enough for three people and again compliment sandwich I want you guys to be happy and do your thing I just don't know if the three of us in this situation is right see I don't know if you need to go to the extremities of moving out or trying to like set those wheels in motion just yet especially because they've only been dating for three months and it seems like things she's you know obviously moves quickly into relationships falls in love quickly and that's kind of like what has happened here so she's so excited about her new relationship and you know you know what it's like when you're

in that early phases with the blinkers on and you're just kind of like all consumed by your new love that you're in you kind of disregard and forget what's going on around you so I would say the very first step is just having a super honest conversation and if in two months time nothing has changed then it might be a case of like okay this is not a suitable or comfortable living arrangement for me anymore but don't look at alternate options because you're too scared to have a conversation that just is such avoidant behavior and I don't think that anybody's going to benefit from that no just look at alternate accommodation if you genuinely want alternate accommodation like if you're like if you're fucking like yeah I want a new space anyway I want a new friend not a new

friend I want a new flatmate or whatever like don't do it because you feel like you have to but also don't feel bad if you do want to start afresh anyway Laura question number three the last question it's I'm asking you because you are about to get married so you are going to have some some good well I think and I know you've been in this situation before too I love your advice and I am so stuck on what to do here should I tell my friend that I'm trying for a baby when I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding I have a friend getting married about mid next year and my partner and I are currently trying to fall pregnant my friend has started organizing bridesmaids dresses the style she's going for is quite a slim fit should I tell her that I may be pregnant at the wedding

and therefore wouldn't fit into the dress or just wait and see what happens because obviously there's a chance I might not be pregnant and I don't want to cause issues if I don't need to feel like I'm in a sticky situation oh just tell her I think with this sort of stuff like the more time and the more like honesty you have around bridesmaids and wedding and prep and all that sort of hubbubaloo is that the word it is now hubbubaloo whatever i just think like the more time and organization you have the better so i think if you're genuinely trying and you hope to be pregnant of course you might not be of course you know things might be more challenging or whatever you never know what's going to happen in the future but if that's what you hope and

that's what you're aiming for i think being really really transparent and honest with your friend especially if you're a bridesmaid means she's a very close friend of yours explaining that you know and she may be so excited for you she may also be a little bit like oh god you're gonna be pregnant for my wedding which if she does that then she's a bit of a shit friend totally it'll also mean that she's not in a situation where she's organized bridesmaids dresses and then has to you have to buy another dress or she has to try and find another dress that matches or color suits or whatever and also there are so many brands like there are so many brands that do the same color but different types of styles and cuts so that they're inclusive to people's

different body shapes like I personally am going for one color and the girls can choose any dress that they want because I don't want any one person I mean one of my friends is just two of my friends have just had a baby I don't want anyone to feel like they have to wear something that they don't feel super body confident in because that's not it's not about what the photos look like to me it's about everybody just enjoying themselves and having a great time and I think if you were to say look I really hope to be pregnant she probably would just end up choosing a style that's going to suit you and it won't be a big deal. The other thing is, I agree completely, but the other thing is also, if you don't want to talk about the fact that you're trying to get pregnant and you're not

ready to tell people that for whatever reason, you also don't have to. If lo and behold, you fall pregnant, you're going to have plenty of time. So you're either going to be early pregnancy and the dress will probably be the same, or you're going to fall pregnant and know that you're heavily going to be pregnant at the time of the wedding. In which case there is plenty of time to work out a dress, to find an alternative, to find something similar. So I don't think there's a right and wrong here. I think you can just do, if you're comfortable and to talk about it with your friends and you don't feel like you need to keep it a secret. Yeah. I would just say, Hey, heads up. I'm drunk. You know, we're getting freaky. The only reason why you're keeping it

secret is because you don't want to interrupt their wedding or you don't want to impact their wedding choices, you know, and it's not for other personal reasons. Then I think like, absolutely have the conversation. I mean, if you're wanting to keep it secret for personal reasons and that's a whole different kettle of fish do whatever you want in that situation but I just don't think that somebody's wedding and being a bridesmaid is more important than you being comfortable and being able to like feel amazing in a bridesmaid and you're definitely not gonna you like you're not gonna stop trying to get pregnant because in a year's time you have a friend's wedding like you're not gonna put your life on hold either though I reckon there's so

many people who have either thought okay I won't get pregnant because I've got this wedding coming up as in like I'll try and organize it around so I'm not pregnant for the wedding but I also think that there's probably been some brides who have an expectation that their friends will delay their baby making plans because they don't want them to be pregnant at their weddings. I know people, and I've never said anything, but I have definitely had people in my life make the comment that we are ready for a baby, but we're just going to wait. We're going to put it off another year or 18 months because we just have so many weddings and engagements and hen's parties on in the next 12 months, which is, you know, you can do whatever you want, go crazy.

But for me, I think it's wild to be putting like your own life and such a big life event on hold for someone else's life and someone else's big life event. But each to their own. Every situation is different. Yeah, and I guess in those sort of situations, it's like whatever is the biggest priority in your life is what you will focus on.

Like if having babies was the biggest priority for them, then they probably would have moved that date forward. Yeah, you'd be getting free. Yeah, maybe they just wanted one more hurrah, one more big party with their friends before they got pregnant. I also think that there's this big onus on the fact that like once you have kids, your life just ends. Like you're just going to drop off the face of the earth and everything changes forever. But that comes full circle back to the intro chat about

Ashley Bynes and like why everyone was saying, oh, you shouldn't have gone away for the weekend with your friends when you've got a new baby. But even so it's like, it's such short period of time that you have really small children. You know, you have like, you have newborn, you have small kids for literally like three, four years. And then they're kind of like these fully functioning little cool people who, you know, if you were to get a babysitter and go out for the night, whatever, like you can do all of that. I just think you're in those like baby fog years for such a short period of time. And even for Matt and I, I feel like we're finally, I mean, Lola's only 19 months. She's still definitely a toddler, but I do feel like life

is getting a bit easier. Don't feel like I'm in the absolute thick of like little kid life, which I was, you know, say six, seven months ago. Let's do one more question. I've got one more and it's a sexy one. And I want to know Brittany Hockley as somebody who is on the online dating apps if it's something that you've ever experienced because I know back when I was on the online dating apps it was something that I got asked many many times. Short sharp one here for you ladies heterosexual pegging. Is it a thing or not? My partner and I are keen to give it a go. I'm currently at a party where there are openly mixed opinions on it. Do you usually get asked to peg online dating? Okay firstly I think it's very important we need to tell people what pegging

is because I know there's going to be some people who are like what the fuck is that? Okay so pegging is when you put a strap on on and you like as in you would almost have like a role reversal so a female this is for heterosexual couples or I'm sure lesbian couples can do it as well but like you put on a strap on and you have penetrative sex with your partner but using the strap on right so I have been asked when I was on the dating apps by so many heterosexual men to peg them. What on earth was your profile? Cause I have been online. You look like a girl who will peg me. Yeah. Something's amiss there. Cause that's never, never. I have been online dating on almost every platform over 10 years. Not once in my life has anyone asked me to do that. So what

was on your profile? Maybe this was like a real fad five or six years ago, because like, I swear. No, cause I was still single then. I've been single for 10 years. No, I, I swear going back about six, seven years ago, there was a period where in the space of about six months, I had several, I have yet to do it. I've never pegged a man. I was about to say, did you peg him? I have never pegged a man. There's a very funny episode and I can't remember the TV show, but they scream out, peg him like a queen. And that became a bit of a house motto in my old chair house because I had this guy online dating who asked me to peg him. Anyway, long story, long, long little side tangent. This, the reason I wanted to include this question is because it

actually made me think of what happened on Rob Mills' chat on Tuesday. And I thought it was such an interesting part of that conversation and something that I would love to reiterate. We love to put labels on what is masculine and what is feminine and what is stereotypically deemed as heterosexual and what isn't. And I think that like when it comes to what you enjoy in the bedroom, just because you enjoy penetrative sex and you are a guy doesn't make you any less masculine doesn't mean that you're instantly gay like all of these old and very dated gender norms around how we approach sex are really going out the window so I think if you are a heterosexual couple and you're interested in trying pegging you don't have to put it out as a forum to your

friends to figure out like who is okay with it and who isn't okay with it do whatever the fuck feels good to you if you enjoy it go for it try it maybe you'll turn around and say you love it and it becomes a part of your bedroom routine maybe you'll turn around and say actually you know what we tried that it wasn't for me but I definitely think it doesn't really like ultimately the answer to this question is that it doesn't really matter if it's a thing or it isn't a thing if it's something that is a thing to you go for it and try it out for yourself pegging is stereotyped as a homosexual act like the reason that you've written this in asking a question about heterosexual pegging is because you obviously think like a lot of society the pegging has to be a homosexual act

but it most certainly doesn't. The fact is the reason people do anal play is because it's pleasurable and it feels good. And that does not matter if you are a homosexual or heterosexual, it's this, the area is the same, the pleasure is the same, the feeling is the same. So I think that this is something that from the outside, you're looking in thinking that shock horror, we're straight and you know, he wants to try this, but I think he go crazy, but maybe you can ease into it if it's a new thing for both of you maybe you just start with a finger like we know Laura pinky in the stinky maybe you start small at home if this is a brand new thing that you have never ever experienced and maybe you work up to it because I think for a lot of people and a lot

of couples just going hell for leather willy-nilly pun intended literally with the willy literally willy-nilly if you just go crazy then it's probably not going to be an enjoyable experience for anyone I actually just was doing some live googling as we're answering this question so there is a an article this is from 2020 though so I can only assume that it's increased since then but at the time online sex toy retailer Love Honey reported that sales of strap-ons were up by nearly 200 percent in 2020 and one would think with the very like sex inclusive and sex positive conversations that are playing out across social media now that those figures would only increase over time so I think yes by the sounds of it statistics say that it definitely is a thing

so go and get pegging maybe that was maybe go forth and peg maybe for some people that's the laundry maybe for other people that is in the bedroom or whatever room you're in you enjoy that pegging experience well anyway guys that is it from us another episode done and dusted if you've loved the podcast please jump onto apple reviews and you know leave us a sneaky review it's been a while since we asked one of those you can uh hit five stars that's that's the number we would prefer tell us what you think of the podcast you can also go and get our book which we wrote which we're so proud of. It's crazy to even say like, go get up. We have a book. I know. And so many of you, every single time you tag us on Instagram or you share where you're reading it,

it means so much to us. It is called We Love Love and you can get it from www.lifeuncutpodcast.com.au. What I would really love to see, I'm going to put this out there. We've been getting so many tags for the book, people that have bought the book, where they're reading it, locations, a lot of books with dogs, actually. I think that's directed at Delilah. What I want to ask you is we love that. we love seeing them but I would love to see you maybe you maybe there's a part that's resonated with you maybe there's a paragraph or a quote or a chapter maybe if you can take a picture of that highlight it maybe you can just highlight it on Instagram if you don't want to ruin your actual book but we would love to see the parts you're actually enjoying in the book too that would be

absolutely incredible so if you feel like doing that please tag life on cart tag myself which is Brittany and tag Laura we want to see it we absolutely love to see but we really want to see the parts that are driving home and you guys know the drill don't forget to tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends to share the love because we love love Thanks for watching!