Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - I Cheated And The Other Guy Has Gone Cold

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark and your burning questions. I tell you what, I've been watching some stuff lately. Oh dear God, how do you have the time? I've got a lot of time. I don't have three kids. Come over and mind my children. I don't have three kids and a new baby I've got a hobby for you it's babysitting I watch and I gotta get out of this habit but I watch until like 1am I do not go to bed before midnight and I hate it because my brain turns on at night I feel like it doesn't work in the day and then it switches on at night and that's when I want to do stuff it's when I want to do my emails my work is when I watch and

Starting point is 00:00:47 consume it's a shame that we record this podcast in the morning though I know I got five hours sleep last night and I don't have a baby so like I don't have an excuse I just can't I've always been like that since i was a kid it's weird like i can't turn off anyway i want to tell you what i've been watching because it is my vibe of the week it's true crimey shock horror on netflix it's kidnapped elizabeth smart so it's on netflix it just came out i'm pretty sure within the last few weeks i think it's like number two at the moment trending it's a case that i knew a lot about or had heard a lot about over the years the documentary is different because it's one of those horrific kidnap stories where, thank God, they actually survive and they make it back. Because

Starting point is 00:01:28 a lot of these stories you hear about them looking and disappearing for years and there's not a happy outcome. What a beautiful, upbeat way to start the episode, isn't it? Happy Monday. Happy, yeah. She's actually amazing. We're here to answer your questions, but this is your vibe and vibe and unsubscribe for anyone who's new. Yeah, this is what I'm vibing this week. And it's amazing because so she was kidnapped from Utah where she lived with her family when she was only 14 years old from her house in her bed like somebody came into her house and she shares a room with her sister and her sister even that was night time her little sister like heard it and remembered it but had her eyes closed and didn't want to look because she could hear things happening and it just sounds

Starting point is 00:02:06 horrific and she was kidnapped for nine months and made it back safely I'm not going to give too much away but this documentary is her speaking on the documentary and talking about what happened herself and it's it just hits different when a story is coming from the person that experienced it i can't watch things like this though i think as a mom my tolerance for that type of content has shifted especially as a mom of girls like i find that really confronting to watch and i don't think there would be anything that i would get from that that would be enjoyable and not that anyone's watching that and being like well that was enjoyable i don't think it's that's what it is you don't watch it for the enjoyment something about the way she is now and the way she's handled

Starting point is 00:02:48 it and the way she speaks about it and her family as well because they interview a lot of people that are connected to it in her family yeah she's incredible like what she went through in the way she shows up to the world now and her her outlook on the world and the things that happened the fact that she doesn't wish it any other way because she thinks that that if you know if you went back and you changed it is a crazy outlook to have people who like experience the most traumatic thing ever and then they're like but I wouldn't change it I'm like but why if you could just just change it change it I guess just change that resilience becomes a part of who they of their story you know and overcoming very hard things would be a part of like how you see yourself

Starting point is 00:03:25 perhaps and it's interesting I don't know I've never been through anything like that it's interesting the way that you will then view victims or people in that situation because there were moments where she was with the kidnappers and she used to have to cover up she wasn't allowed to speak and when people were looking for her there were moments where there were police that were nearby in the forest calling her name she could hear them there were moments where a policeman came up and said are you elizabeth smart and she said no and there are so many people that then attack her being like you could have got away like that was your chance and just hearing her reasoning for that is really incredible because she said, if I said that, how do I know that

Starting point is 00:04:04 every threat that they said to me wouldn't happen, that they would kill my family, my sister? She's like, it's not as easy as just sitting there being like, oh, now's my opportunity. When they've said to you, if you make a sound, someone here's going to die. Like she's like, you take that weight on your shoulder. You're a child. And that's exactly how so many perpetrators get away with doing what they do because they put so much fear in kids that they think that they're going to die or someone they love is going to die and that they hold that responsibility. I mean, that's really fucking like harrowing and awful, but it's also one of the reasons why I struggle so much to watch this type of content these days. And I think I used to love true crime so much more, but now

Starting point is 00:04:41 I'm kind of like, give me a rom-com. Yes. And maybe when I have kids, because everyone says that it will change. I have no doubt because something will change inside of you. So that is my vibe of the week. It's on Netflix. It's called Kidnapped Elizabeth Smart. It's one hour in 31 minutes. Oh, so it's a one episode. Love those. Can't do a series. Can watch one ep. It's like movie length, like an hour and a half. It's like pretty long, but you don't have to sit down and commit for 10 episodes. I think hour and a half is the perfect time. I think anything longer than that and I really struggle, but no, that sounds really interesting. My vibe this week is something that I've actually spoken about without actually speaking about for months.

Starting point is 00:05:17 And I've made many jokes about it is something that brings me more joy and pleasure than I thought was imaginable is the Karcher K2 Power Control Pressure Washer that I bought from Bunnings. You've vibed the pressure washer before. No, I've not. We've just spoken about it. I've just spoken about how much joy I get and satisfaction from seeing the concrete change colours. I'm pretty different. Maybe she's got two. To be fair. You know what? It's worth two. If you own a good gurney, I get it. Is it a gurney? Is that the difference? What is it? It looks like a gurney. look it's not perfect for 169 bucks it is the best 169 dollars i've never got a high like this in a natural way before it is so freaking satisfying watching the color of your floor

Starting point is 00:06:01 change of like cement i've used it on the uh the gutters on the windows i've used it on i use it on my car a lot as well now i barely even have to wash my car to use the push washer do you know what I use on my car this is um this is a bit controversial rain no mud when it comes to washing my car I just use I use the natural elements of the earth I use my tears as I cry over in the morning no I and I squirt breast milk inside it sometimes no do you know what I use I use a leaf blower so like once I've taken all the shit out of it I literally just get I open the doors and I get a leaf blower and I just leaf blow the inside of the car and all the shit blows out the doors It's like crackers and seos.

Starting point is 00:06:43 No, it goes into the ocean. Laura's like, how do we get rats? I'm so confused. Oh, it's on the street. Kids' socks, a shoe, like a fucking Barbie doll. I just air blow, leaf blow the whole car out. It's great. I did ask Keisha yesterday.

Starting point is 00:06:58 I was like, can you bring me your pressure washer so I can borrow it? She's like, I just don't think I can carry it on the bus. She's got to get the bus to work. She's got to bring her pressure washer on the bus. Yeah, I'm not bringing the pressure washer. Why don't you just go pick it up? Because Keisha doesn't live down the road anymore. Brittany acts as though I live on the other side of the planet.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Like I moved out of the eastern suburbs of Sydney and this is something that if you're from Sydney or Melbourne, people act this way about the river too. Crossing the river is like the biggest deal, but Sydney has the equivalent of it. I don't live that far away. It's worth the satisfaction that you will get from using the pressure washer. So this one is from Bunnings. I'm sure you can get so many different variations of it. The one I have, I'm happy with.

Starting point is 00:07:35 It's called Karcher K2 Power Control Pressure Washer. Highly recommend. All right. I have an Instagram recommendation. It is someone that you should follow. So Brittany underscore Hockley. Tony May. It's a jewelry brand. I have a recommendation. It's Tony May at T-O-N-I-M-A-Y. We have a new collection that's just come out.

Starting point is 00:07:56 Keisha 20. We'll get you 20%. Okay. No. So it's a guy named Stephen Wommack. So S-T-E-V-N-W-O-M-M-A-C-K. So Stephen Wommack, he has six million followers you'll easily find him he's got the blue ticks well and truly certified now what this Instagram account you can buy those now what this Instagram no six million followers what this Instagram account actually is is that it is editing tips and tricks for anyone who edits their own videos is this how you learn to do your really cool actors reel yes oh my gosh it was so cool so he basically finds trending reels and like people have done really cool edits of videos online he gets them and then he he breaks down how to do the edit so he shows you

Starting point is 00:08:36 what app to use he shows you the cut by cut how that you create a specific video there is so many of them it's a fantastic if you own a small business or you are having to create content for your business it is fantastic because not only do you find out like what things are trending so then you can create them yourself you figure out exactly what editing techniques and tools are being used also if you've been seeing like you know okay you know that AI is a thing that you can use, which would be helpful, but you don't know how to implement it and you don't know how to use it. It's literally just like instructions for video editing for dummies. I use the video editing AI app. It's called Higgsfield.ai. It's not an app on your phone. It's actually, most of

Starting point is 00:09:16 this is done on a desktop computer. So you take all the content on your phone and then you upload it to your, you airdrop it to your desktop and you do it there. But he will run through all of that in all the videos. They're fascinating. Most of them have like two, three, more than 1 million views but there's just so many really cool trends and he he makes it so easy to do it so yeah that's my recommendation it's steven womack on instagram i'm sure he's got a tiktok too i keep getting sucked into these on like i get served them on instagram ads like use this editing tool and i'm like that's sick and then i try and sign up and then i fill out a survey of 100 questions and then it's really expensive and i end up just tapping out yeah don't do that anymore go on

Starting point is 00:09:53 this and follow this because you know there's so many out there and they're not all built the same I got scammed. I had to contact my bank. They kept taking it. Yeah, I got like a house renovating AI one. It was from an Instagram ad. I should unsubscribe this actually. I think it was called Casa something.

Starting point is 00:10:10 Don't download it. It took so much money out of my bank account. I had to cancel my card. They just kept on taking like $90 out like twice a day for days and days. And thank you, ComBank. You did get my money back. Well, anyway, highly recommend this one instead. let's get into your ask uncut questions this one's going to be for you to answer laura

Starting point is 00:10:31 19 weeks pregnant and cannot stand my partner i love my partner i'm currently 18 weeks pregnant and cannot stand my partner it feels like everything he does makes me mad we are currently getting our old house ready to sell so he's spending a lot of his afternoons there but i struggle with the fact that i am then left to do the majority of the housework and everything else at our other place. I feel as though I am always stuck doing the housework, even since before sprucing up the old house. He keeps telling me it's going to get better, bae. Once the old place sells, I'll have more time, but I just don't believe it. The other part is I am so sick of being asked the same question over and over again. For example, what weekend are we doing this? When

Starting point is 00:11:13 is my next appointment? Things that he should know, but just can't be bothered to use his stupid little brain i actually added that word and i better say it again things that seem so simple but he just doesn't want to use his own brain but it's all the damn time i am going crazy please help is this a normal pregnancy thing no it's not a normal pregnancy thing but also my question is was this the case before you were pregnant like did he already do this or is he so if he's always done this and nothing is different and this is how he's always behaved you've got a little you've got a bigger job on your hands here because unfortunately he is just like offloading the mental load on you all the time like having to be like hey when's that appointment hey what's

Starting point is 00:11:56 happening on Saturday because he can't be bothered to go back through the messages or go back to check himself that's like you taking on the enormity of the mental load right we've done many episodes on that yeah and I think that's normal for women to take on the mental load but I think the question here is, it seems like it's always been like that, but now she's got the ick. Do you think that that is related to hormones being 19 weeks pregnant? Like, do you think that there are more feelings that have been exacerbated? Oh, it's going to get way fucking worse when that baby's in the world.

Starting point is 00:12:23 Like, this is the start. Like, if you think this is bad when you're pregnant and your hormones are raging, absolutely they are. Imagine when you're sleep deprived, how angry you're going to be. And still very hormonal too. Yeah. So, I mean, okay, firstly, if you're 19 weeks pregnant, there's a good chance. And I'm, I mean, I'm just going off stats here and my own experience.

Starting point is 00:12:42 It's all I can go off. There's a good chance that you have had some level of morning sickness or some level of increased tiredness. Like these are all very normal experiences for someone who's the first trimester pregnant. The first trimester, it fucking sucks. So having to take on anything that is above and beyond the additional load of what you would normally have to do in your day is going to irritate you way more than what it did before.

Starting point is 00:13:04 you know, if you're tired, having to do things that you feel are unjust or unfair are going to weigh on you so much more. The problem is, is that it might get a little bit better in second trimester when you're feeling good. And then it might come back again in third trimester. Let me tell you when that baby is in the world and you have an enormous responsibility because you are trying to find the parity. You're trying to find what's fair. You're trying to find like, what's your role what's my role and you're keeping a human alive at the same time your tolerance for this level of bullshit and housekeeping and like mental load and everything else is going to go out the window either you're someone who isn't affected by it that much or the fact is that

Starting point is 00:13:47 you're already affected by it it's going to get worse yeah there's nothing grosser than like i mean for me than a tit for tat like scorekeeping scorekeeping and like well i did this so you do this I think in these situations exactly what you just said before Laura but ics are going to change depending on what you need at that time of your life and at this time of your life what you need is someone that can think for themselves because you are already going to be thinking for another human so he's not showing up to the table I've had a lot of friends in my life and family members that talk about what happens when baby comes earthside and even the sounds like me when the baby comes to earth side. But it's true. Like even the most stable, solid, secure relationships

Starting point is 00:14:29 that have no problems. Oh yeah. It rocks you. Cracks start to creep in because it's a whole new world and a whole new level of figuring out what each other needs and showing up and doing things that you're not going to want to do. You're both going to be tired. You're both going to be cranky. I can only imagine it is going to get worse. So you do need to sort of nip it in the but now I absolutely think a conversation has to be had around hey when you ask me the same thing over and over I don't think you realize the toll that takes on me when you ask me for information that you have easily the same level of access to because you can't be bothered to look for it it means I have to look for it so when you decide not to do something because that's the easier route

Starting point is 00:15:11 for you all you're doing is putting that job on me I do think you have to have that conversation the only thing I want to give grace to you here in and when you say like I fucking can't stand my husband I do think that a lot of people go through this and like I I love Matt so much he is amazing and he is an amazing dad and he's an amazing partner and he carries a fuckload of that mental load like he does so much of our house admin sometimes we fight over who does more he objectively does more he does more he does more of the mental admin but you know what I do more of the night times I do more of like the baby stuff I book the kids appointments you know like that's my when I say appointments I mean like poppies like I've taken control of that side of

Starting point is 00:15:50 things however I still get frustrated with him when things things that I think are obvious and things that I think he should know he asked for like stuff that for example the other day he was like where's the wrapping paper and I was like you've lived in this house you've lived in this house for two and a half fucking years how do you not know where we keep wrapping paper how do you not know where we keep the coffee mugs after that like it's that's an impossibility to me that you don't know where those things are stored and so like those things drive me mental and they're so small because they happen so infrequently so I can only imagine how you feel when it's something that you're doing every single day but I do think it's going to get worse and I absolutely think you

Starting point is 00:16:29 have to have a conversation about it because well yeah it's a big statement like I can't stand my like that's it that's that's a lot it's not just like that he annoys me sometimes you literally said I cannot stand him yeah but I don't know the only thing I would say is don't you think things do spiral down sometimes like when you're adding a kid to the mix when you're adding a kid to the mix usually it happens when the child's arrived not just when you're pregnant but look I mean the stresses of pregnancy can add to it like you said Brit there is always going to be relationship stresses always it's going to show you the things that your partner's amazing at and it's going to show you the things that your partner is absolutely lacking in terms of like

Starting point is 00:17:08 how they show up. However, I do really believe that things that were good that spiraled down will always and can always spiral back up. And you can always get back to being in a great place as you move through the really challenging parts of parenting, because it does get easier as kids get older. I dispute what people say where they say like, oh, once you've got kids, like it's always hard. It's just a different version of hard. Having really little kids and being in the trenches of like you know a four-month-old or a one-year-old or an 18-month-old that is a different kind of hard to having a six-year-old they're totally different and so you can get back to where you were with your partner you just need to have really good communication and set the

Starting point is 00:17:49 expectation now so that way the culture shock doesn't hit him for six when the baby's in the world it's also a really hard feeling to manage when you because you still love your person loving them and not being able to stand them and having an ick, they can be run concurrently. Absolutely. And I think that that's where it's really difficult because you don't want to leave him, but right now you're like, don't fucking look at me, don't touch me, don't be in my sight, don't talk to me.

Starting point is 00:18:11 There's so much that goes around it. I do think you need to write it out, but you do need to say to him, I've said this to Ben before, I said, actually I said it recently, I said, your fighting style gives me the ick. What is his fighting style? Exactly what we just said. He doesn't, and he's conscious

Starting point is 00:18:28 of it now that I've brought it up really openly, but he's very much a tit for tat person. So if we've brought, if I brought up an issue, whatever it is, like, and we don't really fight. So fight's not the word, but if I brought up something I want to discuss, he defaults to like, yeah, but you did this and it's not, it's about something else. Yeah, totally. And a lot of people do that. It's a defense mechanism. A lot of people do. And that's why I said to him, I was like, this is not a mature way to fight. I was like, actually, it makes me gross out. I was like, let's just talk about the situation. And then when you have a problem with me, I'm not going to go and fight. Remember something that

Starting point is 00:18:57 you did or said you know like I just don't want to do that but I think you can be really open I said to him it actually grosses me out the way that we have these conversations it puts me off like and once you say that you don't want to do that to your partner so he's like sorry I didn't realize I did it and then we move on but I don't know if your partner is going to do that but I think you can be really open and just be like I fucking need you to book your appointments but you're also like I don't need another child I have one child that's coming I don't need another one yeah you need a team player you need someone who steps up to the plate have the big conversations now to set the expectations this will only get worse when there's a baby in the world praying

Starting point is 00:19:30 for you godspeed all right question number two this one is okay this is a long it's long but it's a bit of a fucked up situation i think it's long but it's interesting i don't really know where to start and it's killing me i am married i have three children my marriage the last year or more has been really up and down we've had a lot of separation talk both of us are not very happy, but both are probably too scared to leave. In October, I was out and I met this guy. He's a friend of a friend. Nothing happened. We added each other on Instagram. We started talking and went from texts to every morning to night phone calls on the way back from work. He lives a few hours away from me, but comes to where I live once a month. He is also a dad with kids. We spoke for

Starting point is 00:20:15 an entire month. It was quite in depth about how our lives could work together. If his ex would let him move with the kids to where I live. Wait, have they even met yet? Oh, there's talkie. Well, they've met once by the sounds of things. It doesn't sound like they'd actually had anything that's gone on yet. And you're packing up shop? And she's married. And he is married. I'm going to re-bleep between the lines. Potentially something's happened, but we don't know that yet. Okay. The chemistry was crazy. I've never, ever had that. Fast forward, he came back a month later with his mum and kids and we met up several times and we slept together a few times i met the family and i met his children that went from zero to a hundred that

Starting point is 00:20:57 was also a bad wow we're not like wow we're like no i'm actually shook it's like look your girl moves fast i move fast but this is a whole you're still fucking married i was ready to give it a shot and be together i was even willing to do long distance after this he went back home and he spoke to his ex who said he is not allowed to move with the kids then everything totally shifted. We went from talking every day to nothing. He keeps saying he wigged out because I'm married still. And he feels bad about what will happen. He doesn't want to be the reason to break up a family. He said that he won't do long distance. He has gone so cold and so quiet. I feel like he's avoidant. A few weeks ago, he came back to where I live and no text, no call,

Starting point is 00:21:40 nothing. Bare minimum messages and acting like he didn't give a shit. I'm actually sick to my stomach about how the hell it changed so quickly. I feel used and I have the ick. My husband and I are still together. He's a good man but I feel like I am not a priority to him and all we are is absolutely roommates. I've never ever been unfaithful in my marriage before and would have never unless it meant something to me. I'm left so confused and gutted. I can't stop thinking about this other guy and I never really hear from him anymore. I'm so confused. How can you be so hot and then gets so ice cold he has almost turned a little mean towards me i don't know what i am asking but i need to vent to someone she just says that she feels really ashamed by this

Starting point is 00:22:22 you know like you're saying this is what i find interesting you've said i don't know how it could turn he would go cold so quickly it sounds like it went cold as quickly as it went hot like yeah it was all very fast moving and you said only after a month of talking you guys were signed sealed delivered and you hadn't even seen the slept with the guy or anything like yet yeah and you were ready till you were talking about like moving in together or how you could make it work you've met each other's kids and things like that that is extremely fast and I'm sorry that you're feeling used and confused and you seem to still hooked on this guy by all accounts I would say you both did sort of use each other for a certain reason like you were both looking for

Starting point is 00:23:06 something that you needed in that moment. But I mean, by all accounts, and I mean this as kindly as I possibly can say it, he's not into you. Like he is ignoring you. He's coming and not messaging you. He's checked out. Now that doesn't necessarily mean he did use you. I'm sure the chemistry was there and it sounds like it was all on like Donkey Kong for a short period of time. Then when you actually take a second to step back and logistically think about it, it's hard. You're married. He's just split up you both have kids you don't live in the same town it's all well and good for you to say I will leave my husband for it which is a whole nother conversation we need to have but I I think you need to forget this guy he's not into it he's not into you he's he's made that

Starting point is 00:23:48 clear I think that two things can be true at the same time and I think that this guy is not the person for you you are not going to end up with him you are not going to be with him and time will heal that like I know that you feel really sad and I know that you feel rejected and all of those things. They are normal feelings that you experience in a breakup. The reason why it feels so profoundly significant as well is because there's no validation to it because you're actually not supposed to feel any of those feelings because you're married and you're not supposed to have had that relationship. So you can't talk to your friends about it. You can't talk to your family about it. No one is validating the hurt and the pain that you feel at the moment. You don't need

Starting point is 00:24:26 me to sit here and tell you that what you did is wrong. You don't need me to sit here and tell you that you cheated on your husband and that morally is the wrong thing to do. But the other truth in this experience is that you also probably shouldn't be married to your husband. So if you feel all the things that you feel, and if you do think that the marriage has broken down to a place that you are roommates and you are not willing or wanting to put the effort in to get that relationship back on track, both of those relationships shouldn't exist. You should get a divorce and you shouldn't be with this guy both of those things I think you need time to be on your own but what it sounds like is that you're not willing to leave the relationship unless you have a monkey branch

Starting point is 00:25:04 to go to and you were not willing to leave your husband until that relationship was solid not only is that emotionally abusive to your husband and just totally manipulative it's also not the right way to start and to move into a new relationship so I think there isn't anything that you can physically do to change the course of what's happening with this other guy the only thing you can do is to have acceptance of this situation and to take a step back and ask yourself why have I allowed myself to get to a place where I'm so detached from my relationship that this felt like the right option and that the deceit was able to get so big and become so real that I was willing to leave to be with this person who I barely know yeah and what you just said is like nail on the

Starting point is 00:25:49 head it sounds very much like you don't want to be in the relationship you're in but you're too scared to go elsewhere until you have a security blanket and that's just not the way to operate it's also not even the way like from and i'm not just saying that this guy's an angel he clearly has his own fucking shit and is probably a shit dude as well we don't know that but i'm gonna make assumptions it's also a really bad way for him like that would feel really rejecting of him you being like i'm gonna leave my husband we're gonna be together like he's introduced you to his children like this is all so which is also weird it's weird it's all so convoluted and so like it's just not you're not thinking about anyone else but yourselves there's a lot of

Starting point is 00:26:24 selfishness that's going into this I do wonder though you've said that your husband's a really good man you just feel like you're not a priority to him I wonder how long you have felt like that because chances are you're not a priority at the moment whilst you're having an affair because he would be picking up on that he might not know you're having an affair but I can guarantee you the way you are towards him has markedly changed because you can't you can't help it but it does it sounds like the affair's only been going on for like two months which I mean maybe the relationship has been in breakdown mode for a really really long time but the affair's like the icing on the cake yeah for sure and that might be the case but if your problem is you feel like

Starting point is 00:27:01 you're not a priority to your husband then have that conversation and think to yourself are you also making him a priority have you guys actually put your relationship first in a long time you've got kids it's very easy for it to fall by the wayside yeah if you're not yeah if you're not actively working on your relationship I think the other part of this as well is like and I don't want to speak for anyone who's got children and who has been through a divorce separation and then is trying to date the issue is is if he has small kids and they have made him and his ex have made the commitment to be in an area so that they can you know be co-parents and the kids go to a specific school, unless that approval comes from the other parent, you can't just move away and

Starting point is 00:27:44 then still have the same amount of contact with your children. Either it's an excuse, that could be one. It could be an excuse that's being used to be able to sever the relationship, or it could be real. He very much might be the dad that wants to have his kids every second week and doesn't want to compromise on the relationship he has with his children and realizes that to be in a relationship with you, it either means 13 years of long distance, or you're going to have to compromise that relationship with your children or he will have to do it with his and he's not willing to do that for your romantic relationship either way he has opted out and I can understand I think I don't want to say that this is like a noble thing because it's absolutely not and like

Starting point is 00:28:21 none of this situation sounds noble he's so noble in his affair none of this sounds noble but like there is something that I think is really important around the fact of and I'm giving him the grace and the benefit of the doubt that he is prioritizing having a relationship with his kids over having a relationship with you if that's the truth i just don't think he's that into it i don't think he's that keen which is okay like and he's using as an excuse yeah yeah and i think you're using him as an excuse i think you're using him as an excuse to get out of your relationship there's no way after a month of talking to someone you know that that's a person that your family should be together and no you just don't know it but i understand why it would

Starting point is 00:28:57 feel that way because it is a it is a very overpowering and overwhelming and confusing feeling when you start to feel those kind of feelings and like you've finally been seen when you feel like you haven't been seen in a long time and you'll start the chemistry is flying again and it's no doubt your chemistry like that has evolved with your husband like you don't have that anymore that you would have had when you first met him and that is such a fresh fucked up feeling because you're like I forgot how good this feels this is what love's supposed to be it's not love evolves in long-term relationships and love evolves with kids but I do think that you are using this as your excuse to leave your relationship you've said that you've been talking about separation

Starting point is 00:29:34 for a long time yeah and I'd be looking inwards a little bit and thinking am I actually just scared to leave without a backup plan do you think it sounds like the this like affair was just riddled with love bombing like it just it was all the hallmark signs of like absolute emotional overload which sucked you right in and so the whiplash you have when that's taken away horrible feels incredibly severe and you think like what have I done wrong why do you hate me why are you being mean to me it's because as hot as he was he has a type of personality that's able to be as cold as he is well it's insane that we're even saying this but the reason you also feel so sick is because you're going through a breakup which is wild because you're going through a breakup that

Starting point is 00:30:14 no one knows you had and yeah like if you were fully planning a life with someone and you've been telling them about it and now it's not and they're gone and they're coming to your town and not seeing you and they're not responding to texts and they're cold that's a breakup you're feeling all the hallmark signs of a breakup but you can't sit in it and you can't tell anyone because for obvious reasons but I think you need to speak to your husband and either make a decision are you guys going to work on your relationship prioritize each other and if so then you need to stop looking elsewhere or you need to decide if the relationship isn't right for you anymore I also want to say and this is the last this is actually not about this question this is more like from a listener

Starting point is 00:30:50 perspective like you guys it is a privilege that you trust us with these questions the person who wrote this in who is clearly a listener who is a lifer has written that they feel deeply ashamed of the choices that they've made like brit you and i can sit here and we could go fucking hard on this we could talk about how cheating and affairs are all of the things that we feel and think but we all know that yeah and i don't think that that angle is not going to move the dial or be helpful to anyone and what we always try and do with these questions is we try and answer them in a way that we would if a friend came and like wanted our unbiased opinions you know you you would answer the question in a way that wouldn't make your friend feel like a total piece of shit

Starting point is 00:31:29 you know and well you know affairs are wrong you don't need us yeah yeah yeah exactly she already feels that so like I'm just giving a bit of grace in the way that I'm answering it for that exact reason okay this to me is wild my future husband and I are having our wedding in five weeks and something that is playing on our minds is people forgetting or not giving us a wedding gift money Ha ha ha. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't imagine going to somebody's wedding and not giving a gift. Would it be bad if we were to send an email saying our thank yous and then also adding, if you forgot or haven't sent your wedding gift to us, here are our details. We would probably word it better though. What? They're literally ahead of time. So this is what's insane.

Starting point is 00:32:13 The wedding hasn't happened and they're already saying, what can we do if someone doesn't bring a gift or leave money no I I don't want you like I don't want to come in too hard I mean we did just say we're going to be nice to our listeners no you can't do that no but this is insane like you you don't get married for money you don't get married for gifts and if someone hasn't given a gift you absolutely do not message them and say send me a gift to this address for me maybe other people are going to react differently to this I would be mortified it is also though it depends on your culture and I don't want to say like different cultures will send the email some weddings there are it's like culturally expected that you you give a wedding gift like wedding

Starting point is 00:32:55 gifts are like you do not show up to a wedding unless you at least monetarily pay your way right like there is this expectation and some cultures it's like you invite the extended extended extended families because that's how you are set up there is like an aspect to weddings that I think encompasses this yeah but I think she would have mentioned it if it was cultural she it's not I think she's just worried about not getting a gift yeah but like I mean for us yeah you can't it is a terrible take to think that you should send like a follow-up send a thank you letter to the people who do give you gifts definitely don't send a follow-up to the people who don't because I think oh god you're gonna have no friends left they also do you have people to

Starting point is 00:33:30 invite to this wedding there also can't be like you're gonna send your thank yous but the thing is can we send thank yous and then put a part that says if you haven't sent your gift yet here is the details like it's just a no you just a no don't I'm just going to really strongly advise you to not do that the thing though with that is is if you're sending that's a generic message then because if you're sending a thank you you don't send a generic I don't think you send a generic thank you I think you send an individual message that says like hey blah blah blah thank you so much for coming oh my god your gift was so generous like thank you so much like I just opened the card and what you wrote was so beautiful. Like, I think you send an individual

Starting point is 00:34:09 thank you. I don't think you send a generalized message or email that says like, thank you for coming and thank you for your gift. And if you didn't give one, here is this. Like that in and of itself, even if I read that as a guest, I would be like, oh, I'm not still giving a gift. You don't even fucking know if I gave one or didn't give one. No, it's also, I don't, I thought this would be quite, I don't want to make you feel bad, but I thought this was a really quite an obvious answer like it's it's strange to me that you're asking if this is okay like how would you feel if you got that message from somebody well she said she would never go to a wedding and not give a gift which is another thing to unpack because I say I would not go to a wedding without

Starting point is 00:34:43 giving money I would have in my 20s I didn't know the difference no and we've also touched on this before like you know my wedding was international a lot of weddings have a lot of expenses attached to them a lot of people are in bridal parties they're spending thousands of dollars to get there or in a cost of living crisis, I would go so far as to think if somebody hasn't been able to give you a gift, it's for a reason. It's not because they're trying to be a see you next Tuesday. People are not going to be like, ha ha, I love this person so much that I'm going to go to their wedding. But you know what? Fuck them. I'm not giving them a gift. I think it's for a reason if someone's not giving you a gift. I disagree. I think some people are lazy. I think some people

Starting point is 00:35:16 are lazy and I think some people are thoughtless and they don't put in any effort or time into thinking, should I get a gift? Should I give a card? Should I give money? I do think that those people exist. But then you just, if you're lazy, you would just give the money. If someone's choosing not to do either, maybe I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. But if they're close enough to come to your wedding and they're not doing that, I would think it's for a reason. I think some people just like forget and then they just never do it. Or like they think it'll just get lost in the wishing well. Like not everyone gives presents. They don't. Not everyone gives money. And I would say that you're giving too much grace to think that it is purely and

Starting point is 00:35:51 only financial reasons. I think some people are fucking tight asses. I think they exist. But why are you tight? You're tight because you need to be tight. No, some people are just tight because they can be tight. We all have that friend who doesn't pay for their way for dinner or they're quite happy for other people to pay for them. I actually think, and I say this honestly, some of my tightest friends are my wealthiest friends. They are not people who, and the reason for that is because they've always had someone to pay for them. They've always, mum's paid for them. Dad's paid for them. Someone else in the family's paid for them and so they get out for dinners and stuff and they'll be like oh we'll just split

Starting point is 00:36:23 the bill and I'm like oh baby you had the fucking bottle of expensive wine I'm not splitting that bill okay let me let me rephrase this I don't give a fuck what your reason is you're not sending this email whether you've got a tight friend it's not going to end well like someone is going to be put off by receiving an email saying send me the gift here I agree like they're just going to be whether they're rich or not rich whether it was intentional or non-intentional you're either going to embarrass them i mean make them dislike you like get your gift or maybe you'll get a fucking saucepan i don't know you might get a saucepan turn up my advice is steer clear steer clear all right okay last question can somebody be a reformed cheater without any personal work or voluntary accountability

Starting point is 00:37:07 for context i recently found out my long-term partner has a history of cheating it's never been to the point of sex but at some point in all of his past relationships he has looked elsewhere for some kind of attention or sexual validation. Oof. Well, at least he's been honest with you. He's told you. Fuck, though, yes. For example, he'll sext other girls or just message other girls

Starting point is 00:37:27 or there's just always something extra. I also found out that this did happen to me early on in our relationship, which has been really devastating. This is something I have asked him about before, and he has now admitted to lying to me about it because he didn't want to be branded in that way and thought that I wouldn't forgive him. He reflects that he feels bad and wouldn't do it again.

Starting point is 00:37:46 My issue is that I feel like he's only taking accountability now because he has no other option because I found out, you know, people only apologize when they're caught. Yeah, he's taking accountability because he got caught. Yeah. So the question is, do you think it's possible that this type of patent behavior can just stop on its own because of maturity or growth or finding the right relationship? Or does it require conscious personal work and reflection? No, I don't think it just stops.

Starting point is 00:38:11 That's my honest opinion. I think it can. Hear me out. I think it's yes I do think it stops I've cheated in past relationships cancel me I would never ever ever cheat on that I cheated in past relationships one was because of immaturity I was in my 20s I was a fucking dickhead I needed validation my boyfriend at the time cheated on me so I cheated on them to get back at them like there was a it was a mozza of reasons why I cheated in the past a mozza a mozza it was a myriad of reasons but I did I did do I think any of those reasons are

Starting point is 00:38:43 valid? Do they make me a better person? No, I was an absolute asshole. I look back on those times and I'm like, I clearly should have just left, but I did the wrong thing. And I acknowledge in every fiber of my being that I was the problem. Not the reasons that I attributed to my exes at the time that I was like, oh, I did this because they did this. I chose to cheat. That was my problem. Self-development, realizing you've done something wrong, realizing you don't want to have those relationships anymore, realizing that actually you want a relationship where that doesn't exist is something that requires some sort of aha moment. And it is something that requires some sort of work. And that's why I can so confidently say I would never, ever, ever,

Starting point is 00:39:27 ever cheat in my relationships now, because I know the damage that it costs. And I know the cost that it had to my anxiety, to my sense of self-worth and everything else, my validation, my need for more validation the problem with this situation is that he has shown you that he's still behaving like this he did this in your relationship he already cheated on you in your relationship and the only reason why he came clean about the fact that this is an issue that he's dealing with is because you caught him and sometimes I think I'm sure women do it as well but in my experience and this is very subjective you can tell me that this is wrong sometimes people use the things that they've done that are wrong in past relationships. And they use truth as like a powerful weapon to

Starting point is 00:40:11 try and prove to you that they're going to be different. And what I mean by this is in one of my past relationships with the person who cheated on me a lot, he admitted to the fact that he'd been married before, that he cheated on his ex-wife, that he cheated on past relationships, but he was telling me this because he wanted it to be different. And those words didn't stack up to any proof in the real world those words were just words and as much as he wanted it to be different he hadn't done any of the work to overcome his absolute incessant need for validation and that is my fear for you in this relationship yeah i agree with everything you just said i do want to say like i do believe a leopard can change its spots for sure but it's really situation

Starting point is 00:40:55 dependent it's different for everyone how they're turning up what they did why they did it this one is hard because if you had all of these conversations about his past and how he was before you guys entered the relationship and he hadn't cheated on you I would say it's likely that he has learned from his mistakes and he was younger and he's a different person but he did cheat on you and he didn't tell you and you did find out now that is not to say that he cannot change but I would just be expecting more work to go into it because I don't think that's a growth and realization thing because he entered your relationship doing it he doesn't want to be he said quote unquote branded a cheater well he is a cheater he's told you he's cheated on every single

Starting point is 00:41:36 person including yourself what do you do about that only you are going to know if you trust and believe what he is saying but you could have this exact conversation with him and say like i am not convinced you're not going to do it again because you haven't actually done any work on it and you've already done it to me can you guys go and do some work together can you go to a so exhausting isn't it it is but for the right relationship I think it's okay but if he's not willing to and you're not willing to then I mean only you can answer how he shows up in your relationship and if you trust what he says like if he said to you now I will never cheat on you again answer the question to yourself right now do you believe that if he said I promise you babe I'll

Starting point is 00:42:14 never cheat on you again what is your gut instinct in that moment are you calling bullshit are you still checking his phone or are you like yeah he's a hundred percent reformed I have so much suspicion and like I guess like a lack of faith in people who are desperately seeking external validation like there are there are absolutely people out there and they are in terms of cheating it is a terrible situation to be in if you find yourself in a relationship with a person like this a person who has this insatiable need for validation because the problem is is you will never fill that hole like you will never when they are when they're dealing with something that's stressful or they're not happy in the relationship with you or something changes like

Starting point is 00:42:52 it's all good when it's good but how does that person behave when there is a challenge or a pressure put on the relationship and people who do not have the ability to find validation from within themselves and from within the relationship will always seek it externally and sometimes that cup is so fucking big and it doesn't matter if it's from one person or from 50 people they need to keep on getting it from external sources because it makes them feel good it makes them feel powerful. It makes them feel like they're attractive or desired or whatever thing it is that they need to be filled. And I think that they are a particularly dangerous type of person to be in a relationship with because you almost feel sorry for them. You almost get to a point where

Starting point is 00:43:32 you're like, I feel bad that they feel so lacking in their self-worth that they are seeking it from somebody else. And so it can be used as a tool to kind of go, but I'm a bit broken and that's why am doing this rather than it being like more of a malicious i guess don't get me wrong yes it is they are broken and all that stuff but you don't have to put up with it in your relationships i also think if you've written this question into us asking if it's possible for them to change you probably don't feel like they have changed yeah i agree i feel really bad that you're dealing with this now and that you have to make a decision i'm not saying throw the relationship in the bin but i am saying look at all the other behaviors and do you honestly think that someone just

Starting point is 00:44:13 spontaneously changes because one day they've decided they want to maybe but i would say for most people whether they need to quote unquote do the work i don't even know what that means like does anyone know what do the work means does it mean go to therapy does it mean read the books or does it mean having this really enormous perspective change where they go i actually don't want to be that person anymore is that doing the work only you will know if that's real and the reality is is you will know pretty quickly because if they are this type of person that seeks external validation there will be other signs yeah and it's yeah i'm you're you're off it i'm just reading it again i was trying to i'm trying to work out what their age is not that

Starting point is 00:44:51 it matters but like i'm not making excuses early 20s is different to early 30s is different to early 40s like you're still figuring shit out like if you guys were 23 i'm not making excuses for cheating but i'm like cool they would they could change they could they've got time but if you've done if you've said he's cheated in every relationship and you're talking about you guys been in your like late twenties, early thirties, whatever, that's habitual. And that means his morals are pretty slippery. Like he doesn't, it's not a bad thing for him to do if he's repetitively doing it. And it is a habit if you hit that late in life and you're saying, yeah, I've cheated on every relationship I've had. That's not saying I was in a bad relationship

Starting point is 00:45:26 and he cheated on me and I cheated back. And that's just been like, yeah, this is what I do in relationship. I cheat. Because I need some validation. Because I need sexual validation. yeah so fucking loser fucking loser fucking loser fuck you Kevin guys that is it

Starting point is 00:45:40 6-7 my name's Kevin that's all I hear all day at the moment my fucking kids have just learned 6-7 my name's Kevin

Starting point is 00:45:47 I'm 47 I'm going to heaven I eat Devon I was like I think 6-7's on the out tell them it's out it's not cool anymore 6-7's done

Starting point is 00:45:53 my children are 6 they get or 7 guys keep your ask on cards coming in to our Instagram you'll always be anonymous

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Starting point is 00:46:10 and hit subscribe it is time to bring confessionals back since maths is started I think next week it's going to be here we'll do it give us your confessionals

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - I Cheated And The Other Guy Has Gone Cold

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