Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - I Had a baby and now my partner won't go down town 👅

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

First up lifers, if you and your friend match with the same person on a dating ap, who gets dibs?Two of the life uncut team are in this dilemma!Then we unpack possibly the worst ghosting scenario we've ever heard of! This week the questions we are unpacking are:-My partner and I broke up for a little while and we are now back together.I've now found out that he was seeing someone (not just sleeping with them) while we were broken up. Am I wrong for being weird about this?-My friend has been with their partner for 6 years and after discussing it and getting the 'okay' with their partner, they started an only fans account.10 subscribers later, my friend's partner has now basically broken things off. My question is 'should they have to delete the account to keep the relationship or does the partner need to sort out their own feelings?' -I had a baby 6 months ago. Before this, my partner used to go down on me all the time. Since having a baby, he's only done it once. I've asked about it and he has said "I just don't feel like it" and "we will get back to it." Is this normal?If you have a question you'd like us to tackle, please send it in to @lifeuncutpodcast on instagram!Tell you mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany.

And this is Thursday Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, dark, and burning questions. Your sexy little saucy numbers. Do we have any sexy saucy numbers today? No, I did want to answer the question about the girl who wanted to lick her boyfriend's butthole. I said no. Your answer to that was, Laura, I am not going to answer that question. And I said, why? It'll be funny.

And you said, I'm not going to talk about licking an arsehole on the podcast. And I said, Britt, it'll be funny. I love that you're giving a blow by blow. And I kept on with the it would be funny thing. And then Britt said no, because she turns her nose up at licking an arsehole. Let's put it this way, Laura. Would you like an article this week about you licking a butthole? Tell me that, because this is what this question's about.

No. Exactly. I'm doing you a favor. But I also just think, go for it. Whatever, what's the worst that could happen? Anyway. A lot. Actually, a lot.

Yeah, things could turn terribly, terribly wrong. We have some really great questions today. We have some diverse and different questions that hit a whole lot of different areas of life. And the body. And the body. But none of them hit the bum. Let's put it that way.

Well, they might. No, they don't. Unfortunately, they got left out. But Britt, you have a story. Something happened to you? Yeah, well, I thought this was something funny. Just one of those really awkward moments. It was bound to happen in the little circle that I run in, in Bondi, the little one suburb.

Keisha and I spend a lot of time together. Now, this was bound to happen, but producer Keisha and I, we are both single, and a lot of people don't know this. Keisha just doesn't work for us, but she's a very, very good friend. I see Keisha every single day, and if I don't see her, I speak to her, or we carry a pigeon, or we text, or we whatever. We are like very- In constant contact.

Constant contact. anyway we are both single we are both on the dating apps ready to mingle baby but we have never really had the problem of matching or talking to the same person or wanting to date the same person we've always had different types different vibes like it just hasn't happened yet i find that surprising because i actually think you guys have kind of a similar taste in men in some ways yeah some ways but not the other it's funny because keisha will show me someone she's like look at this is babe. I'm talking to it. And I was like, oh yeah, babe, not, not my kind of babe, but for you. And then I'll show her someone. I'm like, oh, look at this guy. And she's the same. She's

like, oh, all yours kind of thing. You know, it hasn't happened often. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I showed her, I said, Hey, look, I'm talking to this babe. And I showed her, we're at the dog park. I showed her his profile and she goes, fuck off. She's like, it's happened. It's like, what's happened? She's like, I'm talking to him too. She was talking to him too. She's like, how often are you talking? I was like, well, actually a lot, but he hasn't replied to the last thing I said a couple of days ago.

She's like, same. I was like, what? Because he met a girl and started dating someone. Well, no, no. But she's like, oh, he just stopped replying to me as well. And I was like, this is weird. In this situation, when you just realized you're speaking to the same person,

who gets dibs? Like as her employer, do you get to just continue the conversation? Or are you like, I'll take this one for the team? You went for me, Keisha, I get this one. You can continue because you can't both continue. it's not like it's not hunger games survival of the fittest like you have to decide who's gonna continue the conversation because I pulled out my bow and arrow and I was like run Keisha

anyhow I will not know the answer to that because we haven't actually been in that position yet because he hadn't responded to either of us so I guess to answer the question if that had happened and we were still talking as much we would probably just work out who had organized to meet up or who had spoken the longest and the other one would have to just like like if Keisha was to the point where she's like oh he's taking me to dinner I would stop texting immediately and And I think vice versa, but it's when you have met in IRL that that's when whoever meets first in IRL gets the man. Well, if Keisha had been talking to him longer as well, or more in depth or whatever, I, of course you wouldn't, you'd back off because you don't want to be in that

situation. But we were pretty much, the conversations were about the same level, but anyway, irrelevant. He'd stopped replying to us. And it was a shame because he was, he seems funny and nice. He was very good looking. He was foreign, which we all know I love. So I was like- Was he wearing a turtleneck? no but he would look good in one you can tell that is a man that would look good in a turtleneck anyway he's got a neck for it put it that way we're at the pub on Saturday night Keisha and I went out we're at the pub and it's pumping and it's very busy I see this guy walking towards me and it's a guy that I used to train at a gym with nine years ago he was a he was a coach there and

I hadn't seen him in all this time and I recognized him and I was like oh my god I was like hey stopped him and I was like how are you well I haven't seen you in 10 years like we used to train on the other side of the city north Sydney now we live in the east we were chatting and having this really great catch-up and I was with Keisha and a friend and then his two friends walk up and stand behind him and I look at his friend I have this moment of realization he looks at me and I'm like oh my god that I look at Keisha Keisha looks at me sees my face looks at him he looks at her he looks at me we're all looking at each other this is like looking inception and he walks away it's this guy it's the guy that we both matched with both liked he was like this

is way too much to deal with the two of you that I ghosted at the same time I'm still not convinced I don't know if you put it together right I know he put did he Keisha's like he definitely recognized me I was like I'm not convinced he actually recognized me but there was this awkward moment right so he walks away I think this is hilarious and because I don't have a filter instead of just like pretending it didn't happen the guy that I'm talking to who's the common friend I start laughing and so these two friends walk away right and so I'm laughing saying I matched with your friend and he ghosted me and he was like what I was like oh we were just he's like hey really and he's like it's not like him and I'm like yeah really and I pointed over to them and he's like and I showed

I was like we were we were talking we're having the banter and he asked me this question and I answered and asked him the question back it was all heading in the right direction yeah and he's like that's crazy do you want me to say something and I was like yeah I don't care so he goes over to this guy you don't do that if someone ghosts you you don't get their friend to go and do like the like the interrogation he comes he brings him back he goes over and he brings him back over to the circle he puts him in front of me and he goes I think you two have some stuff you need to work out and I looked at this guy he looked at me and he goes you have a crush on each other don't you and I looked at him I was like that's not that's the wrong guy you've just brought

you just went and brought a random guy over put him in front of my face and said you two need to work some shit out and I was like this is so awkward we both never spoke to the other guy again he stayed on the other side of the bar the whole time didn't say a word didn't look at us didn't do anything I bet you he has a girlfriend that's my that is my not his friend told us he doesn't that is like my my go-to any time that a guy just disappears and then ignores you I'm like oh he's a cheating asshole like that's how affected I've been in my life I'm like oh he's doing the dirty part of me wanted I had to control myself I had a few drinks part of me wanted to go up and just not not saying anything bad because he didn't do anything wrong just put him on the

spot and say so where did we go wrong like what happened there but I just don't think he was ready for the awkward interaction as somebody who typically says that they don't like confrontation the fact that you wanted to go and confront a tinder match who you would never seen in real life who stopped speaking to you is possibly the weirdest thing that you've ever said and I'm so glad for you that you didn't do that because to me that's not the confrontation I would have thought it was funny I would have taken the piss a little bit this wouldn't have been an argument like I would have given him a hard time and then just walked off but a hard time is in like having a lull but I wonder if any of you are out there listening well you're all out there listening

but if any of you that are listening hopefully you're listening no but if there's anyone that stated the same if your friends if this I would love to know what you did or how you handle it who gets first dibs what are the rules in your group if you've found out you're matching the same person who backs off who steps away and who is it just like oh you haven't had a hot one in a while i'll give them to you what's the rules of engagement or is it survival of the fittest is that whoever gets in there first does he get to just does he get to choose is it like a bachelor not choose no is it like an episode of the bachelor except it's not on tv like you both go on dates and he gets to pick the one he wants the best irl bachelor no you sicko that is not

what you're doing all right well speaking i have a i have an article i want to discuss before we get into answering your questions. And we, since we've just started with people ghosting and people disappearing, here's one that's really going to tickle your fancy. It certainly didn't tickle this girl's fancy, but this is probably the most messed up ghosting experience I have ever heard of when it comes to dating. There is an Australian woman. She has gone viral on TikTok. You know, we love a good TikTok here. Her name is Brie Duval. She is 25 years old and she was living in Canada with her fiance. Now this is where things really take a turn for the worst. so her fiance ghosted her but he ghosted her after she fell from a 10 meter retaining wall

she fell head first into the pavement can you think about how horrific this is even saying those words makes me feel physically sick horrific she ended up in a coma for three months and woke up after being in a coma to find out that her fiance not only had he ghosted her when she'd had this accident but he fucking vanished and was in a relationship and had moved in with somebody else he was living with them how do you move in in three months i mean things move quickly for this man this so they were actually engaged i read the article but i couldn't remember they were actually engaged so she yeah and so it's actually so horrific we were thinking about whether we would get her on the podcast to talk this all through i'd love just to really unpack what happened here

but she was 25 years old she had this severe brain injury and the only reason why her life support wasn't turned off was because her parents were living in Australia she was in Canada it was all during COVID her parents couldn't get the permission to travel to Canada and so they wouldn't let the doctors turn off life support until they could get there and see their daughter again and then incredibly like she was given like the most smallest percentage chance of being able to survive this and incredibly she started getting her faculties back she started to become aware of was going on around her and she actually woke up from this coma so like to unpack this properly he was under the impression that she was never ever going to survive but moving on in three

months after your partner has essentially passed away in your mind is pretty fucking wild yes and also the fact is she hadn't passed away yet while she think that it's looking that way which is horrific and you know we cannot imagine we cannot put ourselves in this position because we haven't been in this position I can't imagine what he was thinking or feeling at the time but to move on it wasn't three months after she'd passed away after they decided to put the last it was three months after the accident that's insanity okay but what makes this even worse is not only did he move on with somebody else but this is how monumental the ghosting was so when she woke up from her coma and she remembered who he was and she remembered she had a fiance she tried to reach

out to him so this is part of the TikTok that she's put together so she explained that she called him after finally waking up from the coma and he didn't answer the phone, but she did get a text from another woman. And the text said, he has moved out with me and he's moved all of his things out of your house. And now we are together. So please do not contact him again. And he never, ever made contact with her. Can you imagine being such a like pathetic piece of scum that you avoid confrontation so much that you get your new girlfriend to contact the person who's just come out of a coma after three months when you were engaged my jaw is literally on the ground and if but you know what you know what i think in this situation if there's anything to take from

this for this girl you dodged a fucking bullet if that was the person that you were going to marry such a weak little weasel a weak little disloyal weasel and that is the perfect i haven't used that term in a long time he's a weasel he is a scummy little weasel you you dodged it's so powerful though once you say it it feels good so easily yes it feels good but you this girl has dodged an absolute bullet and that's the only thing that can remotely make this easier for this this poor girl is to think wow you are so fucking detached that i'm glad that i didn't end up with you that's what i would try to take from it but i can't imagine the poor thing and only like he was so conflict avoidant that he also ended up going on and blocking her from all of his social

media accounts i can't even i can't even sucked in she's gone viral and also like the next time that you think you've been ghosted by someone who you were talking to you can think of this person because like nothing will ever compare to this level of all right now this takes away from my story so my ghosting is like not even bad from this but what would you do if this happened to you put yourself in this situation for a second would you like continue to call would you show up at his house would you call your mutual friends because obviously you'd have mutual friends there'd have to be more to the story you wouldn't just be like okay well you don't want to speak to me I'm gonna just disappear you'd be so enraged and you like I think I would rock up at his house

and just what you would do I would be why I would restrain you I would be worried what you would do I would definitely I don't think I would be able to not have any form of communication with him at all I would have needed something one phone call one text at a minimum which is not going to suffice but to have absolutely nothing it is such a pathetic selfish selfish weaselly boo for him but itself that's the great word besides weasel selfish it's such a selfish thing to take that from her and stop her from moving on in a sense and i know we say you don't necessarily need closure from other people to move on you don't always you are fucking getting married you are marrying this woman she was in a tragic accident i'm sorry but the whole vow is for

better or worse that includes a coma uh they didn't make it to that part of the no but that's but it's what you're about to do like when you ask someone to marry you it's actually so wild if you want to go and actually look at the tiktoks her name is hot coma girl one on tiktok and as much as as much as we're like laughing about it and joking about it she was she definitely does it in a very positive and upbeat way but what an incredible story and the fact that she's been able to put a positive spin on what is truly just the most horrific and traumatic story is such a testament to what a strong individual she must be. All right. Well, let's get in to some of the questions. I'm going to kick it off. Hi, I'm a long time listener. First time caller. Me and my

partner dated for over a year and we broke up for a couple of months. We are back together now, but I have found out that while we were broken up, he was seeing someone else. And now he wasn't just sleeping with them, but he was going on dates with them. When broken up, I was okay with him sleeping with other people because that's just physical, but dating is more than physical. So now I'm unsure how I feel about it all. We were also talking almost every single day when we were broken up and he was saying that he was so sad and that he missed me and all this sort of stuff. I'm really confused. Could he have actually still loved me and missed me that much, even though he was technically seeing someone else? I also think that the two of us might've caught up

while he was actually seeing this person please help he whilst not ideal has not done anything wrong and I think that this is morally sure he is saying to you I miss you I love you talking to you every day having communication and he's sleeping with someone else and seeing someone else technically on a technicality that's okay because you guys broke up so he's not cheating on you and in answer to your question can you oh it's a tricky one though isn't it I don't think it is I think it is what it is and there's a level of acceptance that you're going to have to have if you want to be with him knowing that he was with other people while you broke up and one of your questions in that was could he really have missed me and loved me if he was sleeping with someone

else well the answer is yes he can do that he could very much miss and love you and use his appendage to make love to someone else and also go out on a nice dinner with them every so often yes it doesn't mean that he's emotionally invested no it means he was probably bored that night and wanted to go and have dinner and have a conversation with someone else but you still stole his heart now it's not i'm not saying this is ideal and it's great because it's not and it sucks for you to think that he was with someone else but if you were broken up you're gonna have to find a way to be okay with it if you want to be with him yeah and i think at the end of the day like technically and I mean I love the technicality yeah but at the end of the day you are back together and he's

chosen to be with you because he wants to be with you and even though he dated somebody else in between whether it was more than sexual maybe he had some feelings for her those feelings were obviously not strong enough for him to want to be in a relationship with her or he would have been I think getting back with someone when you've had a period of time broken up can be really messy and it can add a lot of feelings of confusion in the relationship because breakups, unless you're going on a break and having a break from each other in which like, if you're going on a break, then Brit and I are big advocates that you have to set rules and boundaries for what that break looks like. So if you're actually going on a break, can you date? Can you have sex with other people?

Are you exploring other connections? Are you in contact with each other still? Totally. There has to be rules that are put in place because otherwise each party end up disappointed because somebody feels betrayed that whatever rules they had in their head weren't executed by the other person but if you actually broke up without necessarily the intention of you getting back together or that was never discussed that you're getting back together then I think it's okay that he tried to get on with his life he tried to as much as he may have still been really connected to you missed you every day still loved you he was essentially trying to move forward with his life even though he did it in a bit of a messy way and I think like people are very complex feelings are

complex. You can be going out on dates and be having sex with someone and still be in love with someone else. We all know that that's a very, very possible thing. The other part of this as well is like, sometimes I think we try and like remove sex and dating and be like, but you're only supposed to be going and having a sexual relationship. It's really hard to just find someone to have a sexual relationship with. Like it's really hard to find someone where you've like not been on a date. Most people will go on a couple of dates, even if it only then evolves into a sexual relationship because most people want to kind of know the person that they're fucking it's very like it's not that common that you just meet someone online you only have sex

with them you never ever interact in any other capacity no other connection and like maybe that happens from time to time but but I know for myself like anytime I've had a friends with benefits situation I've still kind of gone on dates with them I've still gotten to know them doesn't mean I wanted to date them and them to be my boyfriend but I've still gotten to know them so that I felt comfortable to have sex with them. Well, the term is friends with benefits. You're going to have that level of comfort and communication with someone to be able to be comfortable to sleep with them.

So I think that that's a completely normal thing for him to have developed some connection with whoever he's sleeping with. At the end of the day, this one is pretty easy. If you want to be with him, I think you have to have a level of acceptance that that did happen and be able to move on. Because if you don't have the acceptance and you can't move on, this is just going to develop. It's going to snowball.

it's going to be very very toxic in your relationship and this is just something you need to decide in yourself if you're not okay with it that's also okay but just means you're probably not going to be able to continue the relationship yeah and you can't change the past like you're so right but you can't change what's happened you just have to be able to figure out ways to deal with it and maybe it's one of those situations where time heals all and it's a really annoying saying but the reason why it exists is because it's very fucking true time really does create great perspective on things and maybe in a few months more time or in a year's time you won't ever even think about the fact that you guys broke up for a little bit and that he

was seeing other people question number two okay question number two my friend has been with her partner for six years recently she made an onlyfans account after discussing it in depth with her partner he agreed that it was okay as long as they discussed what was okay and what wasn't. 10 subscribers later and one fake subscriber from her partner, he has now basically broken up with her due to the OnlyFans account. I should add that it was making her happy and helping her feel confident and good about herself. My question is, should she have to delete the account to keep her relationship or does he need to sort his feelings out and get on board and get on her side? He has made her really upset the last couple of days about this. I hate seeing her so

conflicted so the question is does she have to delete her OnlyFans account because her boyfriend isn't happy with it or is it selfish of him to say he doesn't want to be with her if she has it and does he need to get on board now I have very strong feelings but what are yours I have a few okay I have a few questions which unfortunately would go unanswered because we can't get the answers to them but my question firstly is you said that they sat down and they created like boundaries what he was okay with her posting and what made him feel uncomfortable and then he subscribed and then he broke up with her did she post things that were pushing the boundaries of what he said made him feel comfortable like that's my first question were there things that were

posted that were beyond what they had mutually agreed upon in which case I don't think that he needs to address anything about that the other part though is okay let's say that the only the things she posted were very much in line with what they had agreed upon I still think it's okay that it made him uncomfortable and I think that we all have different levels for what isn't isn't acceptable in our relationships and we can't just expect that our partner will get on board for everything and as much as we live in a society now that is really pro sexual positivity talking about sex inclusively being really open and transparent I mean even you and I Britt talking about sex on this podcast like sex is having a real renaissance and I think there is a lot of

social acceptance when it comes to things like OnlyFans now that doesn't mean that he feels comfortable dating somebody who has an OnlyFans account and that is okay because that is what suits him and I think the fact that you've been together for six years you kind of already when you've been with someone for six years you kind of you already know what you're in for right like you've already kind of signed up for the relationship being a certain way it's okay that if one person wants something very different to turn around and say well that doesn't suit what I want and so therefore I don't feel comfortable being in this relationship that's a kind of a hard thing to swallow if you both start to want different things but I understand why that can

occur the only thing I want to add to that because I agree with it all the only thing I really really want to point out is he's allowed to change his mind about what he's okay with the fact that he said it was okay and they talked about it and then she did it and then he's decided actually you know what I'm not that's okay so I don't think she can use that against him to say well you said it was and at the end of the day I think it's actually a great thing he did try to meet you halfway by the sounds of it he's come in and said okay let's give it a go you want to do it this is what I think I'll be okay with let's do it he's then seen it and realized that oh fuck you know what it's not comfortable with me I'm not about this this is something that you guys with this couple are

really really going to have to communicate on and see what's more important at the end of the day because he has come and said that this is his boundary he does not want his partner posting whatever she is posting on an only fans account what is more important to your friend the person that's written this in what's more important to the girl her only fans account or having the conversation and saying okay I appreciate us trying I won't do it anymore totally I think you hit the nail on the head with that completely Brit like that being the ultimate question it's probably where he's coming from as well what's more important to you our relationship or having an OnlyFans account like why is that so important why is that where you're getting your self

confidence from why is that where you're getting a sense of self from I think that they're really big questions for your friend to ask herself around like what is it about having an OnlyFans that's making her feel so confident and if that's what's really important to her that's absolutely fine but it doesn't mean that they are a perfect pairing for example and I think that this is a good example I struggle and I've had this conversation with Matt before I could never date an actor because I wouldn't be comfortable with them making out with a woman on screen, even though it's his job, even though I used to have this conversation with Jordan. Yeah. And I, and I dated an actor once and he, there was a scene that he had to do and it was a, it was a

film clip for a song and he was going to have to kiss the female singer in the film clip. It made me feel so uncomfortable. I hated every single second of that. And I knew that if that made me feel so insecure that I probably wasn't suited for dating someone when that's an integral part of their job. So we didn't date any longer and that's okay. That doesn't make me a bad person because I felt insecure about the fact that he was an actor and part of his job was kissing a girl. Nor was I going to say to him, yes, you can be an actor, but you're not allowed to kiss anyone because what a stupid rule that is to put in place. You know, I think that it's okay for people to have jobs that they don't align with what you want in a relationship. I do think that we're in

a really tricky position at the moment with society where we're being so and it's a good thing we're so sex positive and we're so liberal about it but then it doesn't mean that he's done anything wrong it just doesn't align with where his boundaries lie in his relationship and that is okay I think we covered that one I think we did too okay question number three okay wait you mentioned one thing though what was Jordan's opinion of you kissing someone as someone who's you know an aspiring actress you said that this is something that was a point in your relationship relationship what was the outcome yeah there was an audition we were talking about that I had that if I got the role would have involved kissing someone else and he was an adamant no he was like

I couldn't be with you if you were going to make out with someone else and I said oh well you know that that's like that's all I want to do like I don't want to make out with other people but I would love to what I want to do is kiss other people so this is going to be a real problem in our relationship yeah no like I want to I want to create and I want to be in that industry and do really fun things like that and if that came up then you know not ideal but I would hope that in a relationship whatever relationship I'm in that there is a level of trust in your partner and I get that it's not for everyone if I was dating somebody an actor and they were kissing somebody else or sexing with someone else of course it's not ideal and you don't want to watch it but

I would hope in my relationship I had enough trust in the relationship to know that they're just going to work and doing what they're doing and it's not doing anything for them it's not turning them on and it's there's like 25 cameras on you there's a lot of people it's not these people are not being turned on and I know that historically speaking there have been some some very famous people that have had relationships off the back of meeting on screen totally I think I get it I think it's naive to say that people don't get turned on for yes it is part of the job maybe they get turned on later at night when they're thinking about but in the moment they're not but like that no what I mean is is like not turned on by the kiss like yes it is part of the job but there are many actors

who have ended up hooking up with their co-stars I mean there are many actors who have ended up having affairs with their co-stars totally right so I don't think that you can just say that like it never happens I can understand why some people feel like it is a really tricky part and that's how I felt a hundred percent and that's what it comes back to at the end of the day you have to be okay that your partner is going to go and do something and in this situation he is just not okay with it something you need to discuss and accept only fans are your partner because that seems to be without him giving an ultimatum here because it doesn't sound like he is it just sounds like he's saying well I don't want to do this anymore if you want to do it that's an ultimatum

yeah but it's not like fucking delete it he's just saying this is my choice I don't I mean we don't have this information he hasn't said delete or I'll leave he's like okay well I'm super uncomfortable with this so I'm gonna leave the relationship you've got to decide what's more important that's it yeah I totally agree all right question number three and we needed to throw in a spicy sexy one so of course we had to throw in a spicy one so this one has to do with um cunning linguist lingus lingus cunning lingus is that what it is i don't know what you're talking about cunning lingus licking the virgin going downtown going downtown let's just colloquialize it all right i had a baby a bit over six months ago my partner has only been down on me once since then this used to be a

regular part of our sex lives and something that i really liked it's starting to really bother me that this hasn't returned. I've tried talking to him about it and he says, I just don't feel like it or we'll get back to it eventually. It's hard to not get resentful of the fact that along with my job, my body, my social life, that I've given up this too. Now I know I can't make him do it, but is this normal? And what can I do? Well, I do not know if this is normal because I am not married. I have not had a baby and I have no sex life after baby life. So this one might have to be for you Laura I mean it's not normal it's not normal for your partner to stop doing something that was an integral part of your sex life after you have kids that to me makes me think

that he views your body differently after having kids like there's some sort of mental shift that's happened like that's where the baby came from yeah I can't go there anymore but also like well if you can still have sex with me like what what is so problematic about my vagina and my vulva that you now can't go down there like what trauma did me giving birth create for you let's unpack that buddy I think it's probably the big place to start but it's true like it's true it's true and I understand why you feel resentful like you when you become a mom you give up so much you give up so much there's already aspects of your body that you probably feel less desirable in because so many of us after having kids you know things aren't the same as what they were pre-baby

so to sacrifice a part of what makes you feel desirable and makes you feel like your husband wants to be with you and wants to have sex with you would also add to those feelings of insecurity now I do think it's only been six months there is a chance that that will return but six months is still a long enough time that your body is back to essentially it's back to some sort of normality you're back into routine your baby's probably sleeping through a little bit more like there's not really any reason for him to say oh that's something that we'll get back to in the future if he's not actually actively trying to figure out why it's a problem. Do you know what I mean?

Well, I think that is exactly what we need to discuss right now and what you need to discuss is the why. So have you sat down and had the conversation with him about why, why he's no longer wanting to go down on you, why he has an aversion of sorts? If you don't know why and you just keep that to yourself, well, A, you're going to make up God knows what reasons in your head, like you are going to perpetuate a lot that may or may not be true.

same thing as Laura and I always say communication and he's your partner it's okay to sit down and have those hard conversations with him maybe don't have it in the bedroom you know we've spoken to psychologists and sexologists and everyone says the same thing you don't have these conversations in the bedroom like you're not about to get jiggy with it and you're pushing his head down you're like why aren't you going down to me don't have those conversations have a just have a real conversation maybe it's over dinner maybe it's watching tv maybe it's like hey I want to ask you something that's been bothering me a little while and just ask where his head's at. Cause maybe even him discussing it and you discussing it back and having a conversation might help him

work through some stuff for whatever is bothering him. Totally. And I think it also comes back to your vulnerability around it. Like explaining to him why that makes you feel the way that you feel and also explaining how you feel like you've given up so much already might give him a bit of context because maybe he is being a bit selfish in the bedroom now. Maybe it was something that he wasn't doing when you were pregnant. And so therefore he's just slid back into a routine of like, oh, well, I don't need to do that anymore kind of thing. But I also think it's really important that if he's giving you these sort of like half-assed answers of like, well, I don't feel like it, or we'll get back to it eventually, digging a bit deeper to understand why will we

get back to it eventually? And why can't you do it now? Because yes, although you can't force him to go down on you, you can lay down your expectations in what you want when it comes to like being intimate with your partner. And it's not like you're asking for something that's never happened before. It's not like you're asking for some crazy kink that lies outside of what he feels comfortable with. Like this is something that you guys have always done. And the only thing that's changed is having a baby. I know that like, not necessarily this specific thing, but sex changes for a lot of people after kids for many different reasons. And I think for a lot of men, there is some sort of post having babies thing where they're like, oh, that's where the

baby comes from. And they have a weird attachment to it. And to that, I kind of have always had the stance of like they need to get the fuck over it for you guys to get back to having a great relationship because ultimately as women we're the ones who sacrifice so much that really I don't have a lot of sympathy for a guy who's struggling with like being intimate or having sex after having a baby because I'm like this didn't impact you in the same way it impacted me totally and just to finish it off it is important to say that we unfortunately we can't force our partners to do anything they don't want to do and this is in all aspects of life you can't make someone do something they don't want to do but what you can do is have the conversation to figure out why express yourself

what you want why you want it and how it makes you feel he will do the same your partner will do the same and then you can work on it from there but you can't you if you start to without this conversation right what i'm trying to say is without this conversation if you're trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do all it's going to do is build resentment he's going to resent it even more and resent you even more you just can't as much as it's the easy option you can't go down that track this just has to be it doesn't have to be a hard conversation but it has to be a conversation well do you not think though when you have some of these conversations like it can almost make the issue a bigger problem like the fact that you're like talking about it and

you're giving air time to it and then you can become insecure when you're actually in the bedroom so when it comes to like going down on you you think oh my god he's only doing it now because I've made him do it and so therefore you then get in your own head about the whole situation it becomes even bigger okay the other option is just sit on his face just get on up there girl this is what we're doing tonight we're gonna have a really fun time you're gonna go down on me for an hour but anyway guys that is it from us on ask uncut we'll be back on saturday with our radio show you can listen to it live if you're in the car or you're sitting on your laptop we are on from 10 a.m to midday on the kiss fm network so yeah tell your mom tell

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