Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - “I Have A Crush On My Husband’s Brother”

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. I'm Laura, and this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. Laura's got a bit of a predicament herself today. Oh, I'm fine. It's not too much of a predicament.

Starting point is 00:00:24 You actually are so far from fine. it's the biggest lie you've ever told anyone it's quarter past nine i've been here since seven well like we've been here for over an hour and 15 minutes now like all together with the whole team and all i've done is complain i'm so sorry and pooping my name suggestion no yeah a lot of complaining but that's okay it's what we're here for yeah we're just just going through some life stuff guys i love you at one point i'm like a sponge i'll sponge up your trauma and i'll go home and cry it out i live alone doesn't impact anyone just sponge me up trauma dump you're at home crying in the shower about my childhood pretty much Ben's like what's wrong baby I'm like

Starting point is 00:01:02 okay the one thing though that we have been discussing actually I've been discussing it Matt's very neutral doesn't really give me much back so that's why I've kind of brought it to work is I'm in a existential crisis about the baby name okay it's about the baby no it's too far too late to turn back okay you guys know Poppy is the name that we settled on and I'm having second thoughts about Poppy not the child the name I'm very I'm very confident on the baby I'm very I'm lacking in confidence now around the name for what reason you think you just said it too you hit the ground running too early yeah I think we just I think we blew our load I think that's why you can't I've never understood but mind you I haven't had a pregnancy I've never

Starting point is 00:01:47 understood people that call their baby that name it so early on in the pregnancy where they're like a hundred percent sure because I feel like you just don't know what it's going to be like or the vibe or the energy you say it too much without knowing their personality I don't know but that's someone that's not a mom yeah but I also kind of on the flip side to that I'm like how do you look at a baby and know what their name's going to be when they're older like who looks at a baby and goes David that's it that's that baby I don't think it's when they're older I think it's just about the feeling they give you maybe potentially but I've always picked a name prior because I've always just kind of felt that a name resonated like Lola I picked it long before Marley May

Starting point is 00:02:22 we picked that long before as well it just kind of like the name felt right and Poppy felt right and now I'm not sure and I'm having real second thoughts about it I raised it with Matt the other day and he didn't share my second thoughts so I don't know if I'm on my own with this one I don't know if I've gone back to the drawing board do you have a backup not yet no I also don't suggest making any because I tried this morning and I was shut down many times I even googled names that was similar to Lola and Marley May and I've gone into chat GPT I do have a list if you're interested Laura but I'm getting the vibe that you're not you can't have chat GPT pick your baby name like I've got to put my foot down with chat GPT it cannot be that what hey mum how was I named

Starting point is 00:02:59 yeah there's something lacking in the sentimentality the only reason why I'm shutting it down is because like don't you think I've already done the what names go with Marley and Lola like I've read them all I've looked at them all no I have guys I even have a baby name app on my phone which is like tinder for baby names what does it show you just the word or does it show you kids that are named that no you know it doesn't show you people's children you match with like it's like tinder like you say yes and your partner also does it and says yes and you see what names you agree on it's like okay here's my vibe let's get into vibes but if you are pregnant you're looking for baby names this is something i use and i have used for all three of our babies it's an app called

Starting point is 00:03:37 baby name and it's little yellow thing it's got an egg on it and it literally is tinder for baby names so you sign up and you create an account your partner signs up you link your accounts and so then you just swipe around on baby names all day long and then it tells you whatever your combined matches are it would work great if matt ever downloaded the app in the three it's just one side in the six years of you know the duration that we've had children and been pregnant and whatnot but he never has so i just play it on my own audrey elise like and then you can also put the last name in and you can put in the middle names that you've chosen if you've chosen middle name so you can see what it looks like it also gives you the meaning of each name like really

Starting point is 00:04:15 like a really quick synopsis in a couple of words so if you like a name you swipe right on it if you don't like it you swipe left have you like out swiped you know how on like tinder you put 100 kilometer radius have you like out swiped your baby name radius no because there's more parameters you can put in place so you could be like i really want a traditional name like a short name and you can tell yeah so you can tell it what you're looking for so if you want a traditional name then it will only show you traditional names if you want like a unique name or a culturally significant name you know you can look up like what names are the most popular in Arabic what names are the most popular French names what did you put oh mine were just like because Marley and

Starting point is 00:04:49 Lola are a little bit old school but not traditional so I'm pretty open I'm like contemporary names but also traditional names anyway it's literally called baby names I kind of want to play and I don't I'm not pregnant no I definitely and I reckon we will end up calling her poppy because I'm at capacity in my brain right now. So trying to find any more names is too tricky. But also I have another recommendation, which was the one I actually was coming to the pod with. And it's not a hot take, but it is something that I discovered in Chemist Warehouse recently. And it's made a massive difference to my hair. So it's called Husk Argan Oil. It comes in like a really small little bottle. You put literally like a 5 cent piece amount into your

Starting point is 00:05:28 hair I'm doing it every single day so it's a repair argan oil and I'm putting it in in the mornings before I then spray my head with hairspray and slick it back into a bun because I do nothing else but the quality of my hair is so much better so it's really made a huge difference and it's cheap as chips guys it's like three dollars they've got a few different bottles of it but the one I've bought is only a small bottle and it's lasted me like because you only put a couple little few bits that sounds great so husk argan oil yeah chemist warehouse woolworths all the places. My vibe this week is a podcast episode. Our episodes come out on the same day that No Filter comes out. So it will be now last week's episode. It is the No Filter episode with Sally

Starting point is 00:06:07 Hetworth. Sally Hetworth is a bestselling author, like times a million. You know, she's literally sold millions of copies of her book. You guys spoke with Sally Hetworth. I think it must've been about two or three years ago now. Gosh, it was longer than that. It was about four or five years ago. Wow. No way. It was in your apartment. Yeah. It was back before we filmed in the studio. So it was at least four years. Wow. I've loved Sally since that. I just think she's so charismatic and so funny and her writing's amazing. And since you guys spoke with her, she's gone through a divorce. And so this episode with Kate Langbrook, it was one of the most honest conversations about relationships I think I've ever heard. Like I know authenticity

Starting point is 00:06:43 is thrown around a lot at the moment, but some of the things that Sally was saying are things that you just don't typically hear. You know, they had an interesting arrangement for the first year of their separation where they did that bird nesting where the kids stay in the one house and the parents go to the apartment and back so the parents change rather than the children she spoke about you know not really ever planning to re-partner and it kind of happened almost almost by accident but how she will probably not live with this partner because she's just just her lifestyle's changed and what she wants for her children has changed since she was married for 16 years she spoke about getting back into the dating scene you know after being in such a long-term relationship

Starting point is 00:07:24 and I really really felt as though it was one of the most honest conversations about breakups about divorce and about kind of rebuilding yourself and had this beautiful theme of leaning so heavily on her girlfriends and how that group of girlfriends is all that will get you through a breakup like that it was yeah it was really really interesting episode I thought Kate Langbrook was fantastic in as well. And she spoke about, you know, the ebbs and flows of her 26 years, if I'm getting that right, you know, married, you know, I've listened to part of it already, that episode, it really is great. But it was like quite an interesting listen after having the interview that we did four years ago now, because a lot of that conversation we had with Sally, you know,

Starting point is 00:08:04 go back and see the episode. It really was great. But a lot of that conversation was around how the support of her husband and the dynamic of their household has allowed her to thrive in her career. And I even remember Christian is his name, Christian Hepworth, his Instagram handle. It was something along the lines of the dirt from which the mighty oak Sally Hepworth grows. And it was because he was talking as though he's the one who runs and maintains the household while she's had this incredible career. And she's written articles about how he's the CEO of the household. And so to have that dynamic switch after so much of your public profile and conversation

Starting point is 00:08:38 being about how you have this unique dynamic in the household, I think that would be really hard thing to communicate I also think that she addressed that transition and kind of the gender roles you know within their household she spoke about how it initially was and how things changed because she only became a writer when she was uh when she'd given birth to her first child so things change a lot in their household and it obviously sounds as though things changed again after you guys spoke with them but yeah I just think it was I think there's so much conversation about relationships and advice and none of this was advice it was just a very very honest lived experience. Yeah. Description of what it can feel like and what it truly is like. So I really liked

Starting point is 00:09:18 how there was just nothing held back because I think a lot of the time, especially when there are kids involved, people can be so careful of what they say because they never want it to come back and, you know, impact their co-parenting relationship or whatever. And it's not like she threw mud, not at all. Yeah. I just felt as though it was very honest. So the podcast is No Filter with Kate Lungbrook. It is called How Sally Hepworth Survived Her Divorce. Yeah, great. All right my vibe is a podcast series it's called liberty lost it is i think in the top 10 floating around still at the moment but it's a look behind the curtains into evangelical homes across america and what it is is and this is still happening it's been happening for a really long time

Starting point is 00:09:59 it is an interview based educational based podcast but when you are from a very religious home in america and you would fall pregnant unwed and there were a lot of teen pregnancies they were sent away to a place called the godparent home at liberty university and the idea is it was sold to you to be like okay we can take you and help you get through your pregnancy you're like hidden away so you know you're not frowned upon in society and people don't know that you got pregnant out of wedlock and it was sold to these teenagers as like you could go there and decide what you wanted to do and you had a safe place to be looked after until it was time to birth but it was so far from that what they did inside this home was basically brainwash them and

Starting point is 00:10:38 force them into adoption to giving their babies up for adoption to other people it ended up just being like a real I mean it's just a money thing right they interviewed these girls some of them ended up fighting and keeping their child but some of them didn't have a choice and got really bullied in to giving up their children you're listening to them tell their story firsthand and their partners are there too like the young teen guys are there and they're talking about it and this one couple are saying like we didn't want to do it she was like I can't even see the paper as I'm signing my baby away and she's like I don't want to do it I've told everyone I can't see through my tears and they said you don't need to be able to see just sign it and

Starting point is 00:11:14 then they're just taking these children and it is crazy and such an insight into the fact that this is still happening in places around what time is it set it's set currently or it's set well it's it's now like some of these women are now 30 and 40 and it was happening when they were like 16 17 it's not that long ago but they're speaking out now to fight against it because it's still happening around the place. Like the shame that they are made to feel for having a child out of wedlock and the family dynamic that their families are sending them there and forcing them to be there to the point of like, it's like captivity. They're not allowed phone calls. They're not allowed outside. They're not allowed, like everything is controlled. It's like baby

Starting point is 00:11:50 trafficking. Sort of. So I found it really fascinating to hear from them when they have the lived experience. It's not just like it's a journalist has gone digging, you know, she's talking to these people firsthand the fathers and the mums and yeah it's a pretty eye-opening so it's called Liberty Lost if anyone is interested in it I've just looked it up it's by Wondery they always make really good podcasts yeah let's get into the questions I have a crush on my husband's brother perfect I feel like we can end there don't do it that's a terrible idea okay for context my husband and I live in Australia both of our immediate families are overseas we've been together for 13 years, married for eight, and share a two-year-old daughter, and I love him. We have

Starting point is 00:12:32 our ups and downs like normal couple. Right now, my brother-in-law is visiting from overseas with his seven-year-old daughter, and they are staying with us for two weeks. His wife will be joining him at a later part of the holiday in another city, so we're not going to be seeing her at all. Ever since dating my husband, every time I see his brother, I just feel like I want to impress him. this is the first time he's ever been to australia and i feel like the crush is getting more intense i even have this sexual fantasy with him in my head i feel horny and try to put out the fire by banging my husband instead which is really good for him i guess i can't explain it no imagine if you told him imagine imagine if he knew no you don't i know you wouldn't i know you wouldn't but

Starting point is 00:13:16 like imagine you're like which is really good for him and said just imagine if he knew that while you were fucking him you're thinking of his brother i can't explain it not that it will ever lead to anything but the fact i constantly want to impress him drives me crazy what should i do you don't need to do anything he's here for two weeks he's two weeks you need to do nothing that's that's my only advice do not entertain this do less do less you know it's just a crush it's a fantasy doesn't need to be real just don't do anything at all ever great god you've got a lot of people you could have a crush on i think yeah husband's but sometimes i think it's the taboo it's the naughtiness of it like that's part of what makes it sexy and hot as well i don't think

Starting point is 00:13:56 you can separate the naughtiness from who he is as well do you know what i mean because it's like the forbidden fruit everyone's the forbidden fruit cheating i think it's more than that do you know what i think it is you've been married for 13 years he's probably reminds you of a better version of your husband and i say a better version because i'm sure they're very similar they're brothers, but you don't have the shit attached that you've had for being married to someone for 13 years. Like, of course things get into a bit of a lull after 13 years and you've got a kid and you know, things are going to get boring and you probably look at him and he's like, he's like an upgrade. He's like the exact version of your brother, but you don't have all the stress

Starting point is 00:14:31 attached. But also I don't look, I mean, obviously it's annoying that you're having these thoughts, but I also don't see it as this like wildly humongous problem. You've already said you love your husband. You're never going to act on anything. It's never going to lead to anything. the biggest inconvenience here is that you have this like weird thing that where you want to impress him and you want him to like think that you're I don't know what you want him to think that's a I feel like that's a pretty easy thing for you to overcome in terms of like don't give it a lot of brain space the more that you focus on it the more you're going to think about it I think don't be any different in your house to what you normally are obviously like unless you

Starting point is 00:15:07 walk around naked normally don't do that in front of him but he's only here for two weeks on a holiday there doesn't seem to be anything that you need to do or explain just get through the next two weeks and then crack on with your life and pretend like that did not happen I would ask yourself what just out of curiosity what would you do if he was keen nothing how do you know maybe you should tap it I think there's very few people who would willingly unravel their life like that in such a absolutely catastrophic way like I think you only do that oh no I shouldn't say I was gonna say I think you only do that stuff when you're already unhappy in your marriage obviously like things can happen in happy marriages there's temptations people make

Starting point is 00:15:49 stupid decisions xyz but I think that that would be the stupidest response to having some sort of crush that like I could wouldn't even be able to comment on it well do you know what I mean like imagine imagine having like how fickle and how like lacking in any self-control would you have to be to act on those very like fleeting feelings I don't know I just think that also this isn't something new she's felt like this since day one she felt like this since for 13 years and she started dating her husband don't have him in your house then like if you actually don't think you can trust yourself or if it makes your relationship with your husband feel differently or whatever it is I would just not be putting myself in that situation because this isn't something that's

Starting point is 00:16:29 happened like happened recently or happened off the back of something or you've grown into it you've literally said you had feelings from him since day one see that's where I interpreted this slightly differently she said ever since dating my husband every time I see his brother I do feel like I want to impress him but this is the first time he's come to Australia and I feel like the crush has gotten more intense so it definitely has shifted I think like she's always probably had a little bit of like a crush oh like yeah but maybe not enough for her to actually identify it a crush maybe it started off as like you know wanting him to like think she was cool or like be accept her or whatever that is and now it's morphed into something that's obviously

Starting point is 00:17:06 nah she's taking up too much brain space for her no i i mean yes it obviously has intensified from now she's got a proper crush but if you've made a note of saying i've been like this since i've met him 13 years ago there's obviously always been something floating around the back of your head but like you're not gonna do anything but he's the hotter brother i bet you're hundy and it's a fantasy so don't ever tell anyone yeah don't ever tell anyone don't tell anyone other than us delete the message you sent us fucking take that shit to the grave and don't act on it that's our advice it's normal to it's normal to feel that about different people like it's normal to have these these crushes when you're in a relationship long time and have fantasies to

Starting point is 00:17:43 think of other people when you have sex we've spoken about that so many times with professionals over the years like we know that psychologically that's a normal human kind of behavior probably tiny a little bit less normal when it's like a sibling or someone that is so close to your partner makes it a little bit more inappropriate I feel like in my head because there's so many people you could have fantasies with right it doesn't have to be your husband's brother but there's nothing I mean you're not doing anything wrong because you're not acting on it it's just a feeling that you have but if you think that that is going to keep intensifying you need to remove yourself from this situation there's so much research that's been done on the more you

Starting point is 00:18:20 think about something the more you focus on it the more those feelings grow like you actually like feed the fuel to the fire of this and having him constantly in your house for two weeks constantly auditing and editing your behavior because you are like feeling as though you want to impress him like that all just reinforces what this crush is and like it makes you have this like a little bit of chemistry and fixation on him I would guarantee that when he leaves and your life goes back to normal you're not seeing him daily you're not going to be thinking about him daily either like I think that this is a fleeting feeling while he's in your house and all I can reiterate is what we've said since the beginning fucking don't don't talk about it don't do it

Starting point is 00:18:59 don't acknowledge it stick your head in the sand have sex with your husband the end and don't call out his name all right question number two I work in a professional field and on the daily I receive emails from people who address me at the start of an email with just my first name for example the email writes, Sally, then body of the email. No good morning, no dear, not even a damn hi. I want to know what people's thoughts are on this. I know it's something small and probably insignificant, but I find it just so rude and also condescending. It's not hard to put a tiny greeting to ensure the rest of the correspondence is pleasant. It actually happens so much these days that I find myself responding to them in the same way, or sometimes not even addressing

Starting point is 00:19:41 them at all, which is just crazy considering that I don't even know these people and whatever we are talking about shouldn't warrant a rude interaction. I guess I'd just like to know if people realize that this is something that does come across as rude or if I'm being overly dramatic and it shouldn't bother me at all. I think this is a funny one. I think both. I think maybe you're letting it get to you too much, but it is also still rude. Yes. It also depends on the context of the email, the time of day, who you've been emailing, how often you've been emailing? Is it just a reply? Is it the first email of the day? There's so many things here to consider. I don't think you should let it bother you to the point that it is. And I don't

Starting point is 00:20:23 think you need to change and adapt your behavior to theirs. If you think that it is rude, try not to be that kind of a person. Like you can still write back with a greeting and I hope you've been well and you know, hope you had a great weekend or whatever it is you want to do. You don't have to change who you are for them, but I don't want it to ruin your day just because somebody says like sally were you able to get this done today please send it by 3 p.m i think it's weird for someone if you don't know the person if you never had an interaction with them ever at all ever like i mean obviously we don't know the industry that you work in but i think it's weird to send an email out of the blue to someone that you've never met and not at least say hi that seems very odd to me

Starting point is 00:21:01 i also would probably i'd be so interested to know is that everyone else's experience because I looked through my emails and obviously like, you know, across Life Uncut and Tony May and just personal life, like the rest of the world, I receive a shit ton of emails a day. And I couldn't find one where I hadn't had a previous interaction with that person where they didn't say hi. If I've had a previous interaction with them, then I don't care if they're trying to be efficient. I don't take that personally. That's not on me. Everyone's busy. Everyone's getting 200 emails a day. Everyone's trying to get through those emails. And so I think if you've had a previous interaction efficiency is fine if you've never had a previous interaction if this is a brand new contact

Starting point is 00:21:40 just writing a name and not writing a high seems kind of rude to me there is a bigger conversation here in terms of like how women use language and emails and how men use language and emails and it's something that we've discussed a little bit internally between us I think as women we are more prone to do the fluffy stuff to do that like hi lovely how was your weekend hope you're well and then get into the context of the email. And I guess that it's like this softening language that's almost expected by women to try and like fluff out an email before you ask for a request or, oh, just touching base about this

Starting point is 00:22:13 or just wanted to ask this. You know, the word just, we seem to use it a lot. I think the expectation is put on by ourselves. 100%. Because we know as a woman, if we make a direct statement, even if a man makes this exact same direct statement, he'll be like he's a businessman, he's efficient, and we'll get lumped with she's rude, she's a bitch,

Starting point is 00:22:31 she's got no bedside manner, you know, like, and we know that. Yeah, I do agree. But I think that there is a way of being efficient without it sounding rude. Like, I think it's fine to just say hi, the person's name, and then get into the context of the email. I think we do it to ourselves in terms of the fluffiness. But I mean, going back to this person's question, it's the antithesis of that. She's saying that people are not doing the fluffiness. Like she wants more fluffy. She wants the fluff, which makes me think maybe you're doing too much fluff. And I don't know if you need to like moderate your email sending. I don't think you need to like, you know, be an asshole or be rude, but I definitely think you shouldn't be

Starting point is 00:23:05 personally offended by people's efficiencies. I think it's just kind of the way that the world is going because we do so much communication by email now. And there's so many that's being sent that I think a lot of people just don't have time or can afford the level of niceties in their day to day. I also think that these are people that she works with on the daily, no stranger for the first point of contact is not saying the word hi no one is so I think this is people that you deal with daily and like maybe it's a big building and there's always emails going around you know who they are they know who you are you know what each other's roles are because she said she gets it daily from different people so there's not that many people in the world that are writing to you

Starting point is 00:23:42 for the very first time without saying hi which makes me be like I think it's okay if it's someone you had a prior connection with it's not their first time they're reaching out and they're just asking for something to be done in that day like Brit do you mind sending me the blah blah blahs that to me is not personally rude and maybe I'm maybe I'm an arsehole in emails but I'm just reading she said which is crazy considering I don't know these people so I don't know whether she knows them or not is it dependent on the relationship that you have with the person do you think you need more fluff if you don't know them but I feel like I've over the years I have cut away at some of the fluff because it takes time it's not necessary and does anyone

Starting point is 00:24:18 care about someone writing happy Monday at the start of the email maybe I'm an arsehole please let me know please don't let us know you can let me know how do you end the emails though that's another question like warmest warm you're a warmest i'm a kindest but if it's someone that i know really well i would never send a kindest to one of you guys because that would just feel so strange i sign every email with warmest and then usually i need to wind it back usually i put a kiss i've got to stop doing that because i'm sending that to a lot of people an automatic Make kiss, warmest kiss. I'm, to people I know, I'm a kiss kiss and to people I don't know.

Starting point is 00:24:52 So I might send like a, hey, can you do this? She's an eggplant. And then I'm a kiss kiss. And then to the people I don't know, I send a squirt emoji. No. Eggplant, water squirt. No, to people I don't know, I'm sending, I'm just trying to find an email. I think I just write thanks.

Starting point is 00:25:06 Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm a thanks, comma, Laura. Okay. Is that too blunt? Now, once again, I used to say like kind regards. I think thanks is fine. I mean, at least I thanked them. yeah do this thanks do this now bitch thanks could be pass ag depends on the context or i

Starting point is 00:25:24 write kindest but that's when i really want something to be done i think this girl is perfectly within her right for just simply requesting a high i think a high is the bare fucking minimum so do i you can you can start with a greeting yeah all right let's let's move right on here's one okay no no no i just here is her email flora our records indicate that the attached invoice is now outstanding as of two days i've got to pay it please organize payment any queries let me know kind regards and then their name is that rude no please organize payment but it just said laura didn't say hi just said laura our records indicate that you are now two days overdue and they're not chasing me they haven't um this is not origin who's calling me

Starting point is 00:26:03 every day this is just an invoice i'll pay today because they don't know you so they don't need to fluff around i don't know i think that person's not like hi how's your day been do you mind paying that invoice for me. Thanks, sweetie. I think efficiency is underrated. We should all be more efficient. I reckon we've covered the email chat. All right. Speaking of efficiency. All right. Wait, but how many paragraphs do you do? Question number three. I think everyone's going to be on the same. I have the same answer here. A friend asked me not to be pregnant for her wedding. No, you should definitely consider your pregnancy. I am just wondering if I could get any advice on the situation that I have just been put in.

Starting point is 00:26:41 I really don't know how I should be feeling. A bit of a backstory. I am a mum to a beautiful one-year-old boy. At the start of the year, my best friend got engaged and I have been asked to be her bridesmaid, which I obviously said yes to. Recently, the bride-to-be has asked me to make sure that I am not pregnant for her wedding,

Starting point is 00:26:57 which will be late next year. Now, she's asked me this because she said the dresses that she has picked for the bridal party won't go with the pregnancy. So rude. I am so conflicted as we had a conversation at the start of the year about my hopes to have a second baby next year. So she does know this. What do I do? She yelled that. Is this an acceptable thing to ask someone? No, your friend's an arsehole. No, absolutely not. Your friend

Starting point is 00:27:24 clearly doesn't have kids and obviously isn't thinking about being pregnant herself because if she did, she would have a lot more empathy for your situation. That's wild. I think it is completely unreasonable I deeply cannot believe how selfish she is in saying this to you even if it was an off-the-cuff comment the fact that you've raised with her before that you're hoping to have a baby next year and then she's now asked you to not do that because it doesn't go with the dress because yeah because it doesn't go with an aesthetic that she wants for her wedding you know it doesn't go with it your friend the bride she doesn't go with pregnancy that's what doesn't go I would be having a conversation with her and telling her how deeply hurtful that was

Starting point is 00:28:02 that she's prioritizing a dress and an aesthetic for her wedding over what you want for your life and over what's important to you I wouldn't even have a conversation with her I'd just get pregnant you don't you don't have to have a conversation say hey just so you know I'm thinking of getting pregnant you might have to change your dress fuck that just get pregnant and if she doesn't want you to be a part of the bridal party I wouldn't go to the wedding yeah totally like that's the kind of person that she is I don't so much mean that you need to have a conversation around whether you are or aren't going to get pregnant I mean so that she understands how deeply problematic it is what she's asked I think you're going to say to her no I am going to have a try and have a baby

Starting point is 00:28:38 next year I hope I am pregnant at your wedding next year like that would be my dream and I want you to understand how what you've asked of me is really inconsiderate and really upset me I think it's more so a conversation so that she realizes where she's crossed the boundaries yeah but sometimes I mean usually I'm the person that's like yes have this conversation communications everything sometimes I think far out if we are at a place that we have to explain why that is a problem to someone then it's too far gone like if you have to sit down and say hey let me explain to you why you telling me what I can and can't do with my pregnancy is a problem I'm like there is a mismatching that relationship you know I had a situation and like one of my really good friends

Starting point is 00:29:16 it turned out to be amazing so we did have a conversation about it so I was pregnant when she asked me to be her bridesmaid and she wanted to get the dress because the dresses were a specific dress that she really wanted and she was paying for them. So it was really generous, but I was like eight months pregnant at the time and maybe I was less, whatever. It was only going to be a couple of months after having Marley. I'd never had a baby before. I had no idea what size I was going to be post having a baby. Impossible to know. And she was like, I need to buy the dress now. What size? And I was like, I'm eight months pregnant. I cannot tell you what size. I do not know. I don't know if I'm going to be a 10. I don't know if I'm going to be 12. I don't know

Starting point is 00:29:53 I'm going to be 14. I don't know if I'm going to be an eight. I've got no idea. And we had a bit of a conversation about it. And I was like, look, I feel like it's an unfair amount of pressure that you're putting on me to know what size I'm going to be two months postpartum. I was like, I understand the dresses are really expensive. I understand that you're paying for them, but you've chosen a dress that makes it incredibly hard for me to know where I'm going to be in a couple of months time. She was honestly amazing about it. I expected her to be a little bit more like, well, this is an inconvenience for me. She bought three different dresses in three different sizes and she organized it so that whatever size I wasn't she was able to return them like she went

Starting point is 00:30:29 to such a length to make sure that I felt comfortable but that's I feel like that's what a normal friend would do totally but she only did that because we had the conversation you got to remember she'd never had a baby herself before I mean at the end of the day and I know that's not the case for everyone because we hear so many bridezilla stories but like your wedding or your friend's wedding should be about sharing the joy of their relationship with the people they love the most and if that means that she has to change the idea of what she has for bridesmaid dress that she's chosen a literal year and a half out from when the wedding is then she can get a grip and I think that she can figure that out if that happens I just don't feel as nice about this

Starting point is 00:31:08 one I just feel like she's not a good friend like people are obsessed with being the main character energy so much these days that their whole wedding to them is like you know the most important thing that will ever happen completely agree with everything you guys are saying I don't mind them making their wedding about them it is about them that's not the problem here the problem is that your friend's child about you that's the problem the problem is not making the wedding about you it is about you right but it's also about not making other people feel uncomfortable at your wedding and not dictating who can and can't do what with their life for your wedding also i would dare say and like i know that it's the case for most weddings that people aren't

Starting point is 00:31:43 buying like you know that was really generous of you brit it was really generous of my girlfriend that she was paying for them but most bridesmaids have to buy their own wedding dress sorry their own bridesmaids dress so if that's the situation for you you're being told to limit your life you can't have a baby because you have to fit in this specific thing that she's asking you to pay for she really does sound like an arsehole but it's up to you whether you want to have the conversation with her or not but absolutely do not limit your choices or your life because your friend has been so unreasonable I would just go about your life like I would still be the bridesmaid but I would go about your life trying to fall pregnant and if you fall pregnant deal

Starting point is 00:32:16 with it when it comes. Like if you tell her that you're pregnant and her reaction will be the telltale sign of whether you're going to even go to the wedding, whether you go and you're not a bridesmaid or whether it's all fine. Interesting. Cause I reckon it's easy to have a conversation prior because. For what point? Because I think it makes it easier than if you are pregnant by being like, I really want to be pregnant next year. And she might realize what she said was a real dickish thing to say. She might not realize how much that impacted you. And the thing is, is you will something that's supposed to be really exciting you having a baby you're going to feel apprehension telling her and it's going to take away from something that will be really wonderful

Starting point is 00:32:52 for you when you are pregnant oh god we feel so differently about it for me but this is who I am I get I'm quite an anxious person with those conversations and confrontation I don't want to bring stress into my life unless I have to I just think having this conversation is pointless you don't even know if you're going to be pregnant like you just don't know so I'm like well I start these conversations now you've already told her you wanted to try she's told you how she feels both of you go about your life and see what happens but I don't think you need to make it into something bigger now when you actually don't know what when why how and bring that stress onto you because you know that anxiety of like when you have a friend or something and there's that

Starting point is 00:33:27 something's brewing that anxiety of like do I say something don't I say something now I've said something's going to be awkward every time I see them like I don't know I just don't reckon you need to invite that in unless it's not going to change anything for you you're not going to stop trying. I actually think it creates more anxiety because now she's got to buy the dress that she doesn't think is going to fit her. She's participating and being active in all the wedding discussions instead of being upfront about it and minimizing the impact it has to the bride down the track. When you're like, hey, here's the thing I always said I was going to do and I actually didn't listen to you, but I know I went along with everything anyway. That to me

Starting point is 00:34:00 feels like it could be an easy conversation now. She can change the dress or she can say, no, I don't want a pregnant person and then you know where you stand you know it's not a question mark it's just a really easy conversation of like I know you asked for this but I'm going to be pregnant next year if the stars align yeah and if she says she doesn't want to bring bridesmaids fucker totally 100% like sorry definitely on that my boyfriend doesn't have any money could be a problem could be fine whatever let's figure it out my partner and I are both nearing 30 we've been together for four years and currently we're living together for two years I've always known a rough figure of his savings and like vice versa however have recently just

Starting point is 00:34:39 discovered that those savings have significantly reduced we grew up very differently surrounding different finances and savings they sound like they have very different relationships with money he has lived out of home for 10 years has lived a whole uni party life grew up with a single mom had a bit of travel thrown in there and I lived out of home for only five years I live with both my parents prior to that and have always been taught about savings. And I've also traveled a lot. I have always had a do not touch account and have stuck to it and put money towards my future, house, travel, kids, et cetera, as that's really important to me. And I proudly have six figures of saving. He has had a similar account. However, he withdraws from it. I only recently rediscovered

Starting point is 00:35:24 that his total saving is a four figure number, which is a lot lower than I expected. This obviously shocked me I feel like I'm making more of an effort to plan for our future can this work out will I resent this and his inability to save even for our future together is this something I can even have a say about I still personally always find it really unusual when couples have been together for a long time and aren't privy to each other's finances like that's just my personal I understand people want to keep some things secret or to themselves and whatever else and that's fine. But it always shocks me when I'm like, you've been together so long and you're working towards your future and you want to spend your life together, but you don't know what each

Starting point is 00:36:07 other's finances are. Because I think a big part of working towards the future is knowing what each other's finances are, is making the savings plan, is deciding, do you want to be buying a house? Do you want to be saving for a holiday? Like, what are you working towards a future together if you are working towards a future together? So I think that for me is the first part where I'm like, it's interesting. You've only just discovered that money is a huge reason for people to break up in life. It's not the number one reason, but I think it's up there in the top two to three reasons. Finances are really tricky and they can build a lot of resentment if one person feels like that they are bringing everything and providing everything. And it's

Starting point is 00:36:47 okay if you earn very different incomes to your partner and they're still contributing relative to the income and they're saving relative. So it might be less than you, but you know, they're putting the same percentage away but it doesn't sound like in this sense that you guys are doing the same thing it sounds like he's probably maybe a bit like I don't want to say relying on you but you're probably a safety net for him if he's still very frivolously spending his money and that's okay at the end of the day he can do what he wants but you guys have to align on that because it is a I think a very huge problem if my partner was not working towards the same things as I am and he was expecting me to put the money away but he was just spending what he wants it

Starting point is 00:37:25 just feels different for me. And I think that will be a bit of a problem if you don't talk about it now. Yeah, I have slightly different feelings. I also have more questions, which I think you can ask yourself if you're in this situation. I think you have very specifically shown two different models for how you've been able to save money, right? You're only 30 years old. He's lived out of home for 10 years. So since he was 20, he's been paying rent for 10 years. He has a single mom. He hasn't relied on his family for the income or for the savings that he's created for himself at all. It sounds like he's had a lot more expenses than what you have. You've only lived out of home for five years. You have both parents who have financially helped you is what it sounds

Starting point is 00:38:05 like in this situation. So when you say, oh, I lived out of home for five years, but I've traveled heaps. I bet you weren't paying rent to your parents. That's five years of working where you were able to save your income and you weren't expected to spend it on like just living and figuring out finances and all that sort of stuff. So you have to understand you have an advantage here in terms of your total earnings and savings and everything else. You said he lived the party lifestyle. It doesn't sound like he's still living the party lifestyle. So I would question, okay, well, what is it that you guys are doing now that is ensuring you're both working towards your future? It's okay to come into relationships with a different amount of money. Maybe he's actually

Starting point is 00:38:43 always had quite a significantly lower amount in savings than you have. It's just, this is the first time you're hearing about it you made assumptions about his financial status potentially or the question is is he being frivolous is he spending is he going out and playing roblox or spending money on shit that's just absolutely ridiculous like if he's not doing those things then I would say he is working towards your financial future he just didn't get the leg up that you got to get started and I think you guys can start now you might not be able to reprimand him for the fact that you've got more money than he does and you shouldn't want to do that anyway but what you can do is have a conversation around okay we've been together for four years

Starting point is 00:39:22 we live together for two i'm really proactive in terms of savings what are you doing in terms of savings and how can we have something together that we're mutually growing but i do think that different incomes can absolutely still be incredible relationships i don't think that money has to be a dividing factor but you do have to have open communication about it no it's the last sentence here, I'm making more of an effort to plan for our future. Can this work? Will I resent this and his inability to save even for our future together? Is it something I can even have a say about? I think the problem is, and it's like I said, it doesn't matter if you have different amounts of money and earn different, like no couple earns exactly the same amount to

Starting point is 00:40:01 the dollar. It's just not a thing. There's always going to be somebody that earns more. The difference here is how you work towards your future. And if you think that you're making far more of an effort to plan for the future and he is not it is an issue can I have a say about it yeah I think you can it's your life partner like I think you absolutely should have been talking about what you want I agree yeah like what you want in the future and how you're going to get there together because when you sit down and have that conversation he might say that's not that important to me I want to live in the now I want to spend my money on the holidays and again that is totally fine but then it's up to you to decide if you're in alignment for the same kind of a

Starting point is 00:40:38 future. Yeah, I totally agree. I think we do agree on this. I just think I interpreted the middle part of this question very differently. And I do not think that we can disregard that if you've lived at home for five additional years with a double income household where you haven't had to pay for stuff. And I also say this as someone who grew up with a single mom. I lived at home until I was 20 and I was paying for a shit ton when I was living at home. I worked a full-time job. Yes, I wasn't paying my mom rent, but I paid for every single expense. And from the day I moved out of home at 20 years old, I have not received a single dollar from anyone in my family. And that is really hard. Whereas when you come from a family where if you need a new car,

Starting point is 00:41:15 mommy and daddy can help contribute, or you need money because you want to go out on the weekend, or you're going to Europe and mommy and daddy gave some money to you. Like that's a very different financial situation. And there is, I don't want to undermine what you have saved. You obviously are diligent, but you can't extrapolate the fact that your parents have helped in that environment and that he hasn't had that same opportunity. Yeah, but he's still 30. He's a grown man. He knows how to save if he wants to.

Starting point is 00:41:40 He knows how to work towards a future if he wants to. And I think that's where the conversation comes from. I think it's very much what you said about like it kind of depends on what he's been spending things on. Yeah. You know, it's easy to have a savings account and I'm in this position. One of my parents helped me pay off my HECS debt. You know, both of us contributed to that because I didn't want to keep

Starting point is 00:41:57 on paying the inflation that was added to it. That put me in such a good position, you know, like I think it depends on what he has been spending the money on and why the savings account isn't as healthy. Yeah. I think the only summary to this is making sure you're on the right page now. You're 30 years old. You're not old. You've just entered your thirties. You're exiting your twenties, which is like the years to be frivolous if you're going to be. And like, so long as you're on the same page now and working towards common goals and have common things together when it comes to your plan with money, then I think that there is absolutely a great and viable relationship.

Starting point is 00:42:30 It's only if you're both heading in totally different directions and one of you cares and one of you doesn't that it's like, okay, that's not really something that's feasible long-term, especially if you want to get married and have kids and all that sort of stuff. Well, that is it from us, guys. If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, slide on into the DMs and we'll answer them next week. Everything is up on YouTube. So if you want to watch these and discuss it with your partner, figure out what you

Starting point is 00:42:50 guys would do, go and find our YouTube channel, Life Uncut, and you can watch them all there. I forgot to tell you guys. last week, my partner came home from work and he was like, I had a really funny conversation today with someone that I work with. Turns out his partner makes him watch the Ask Uncut YouTubes to like discuss it. And he had no idea that, you know, we were in a relationship. He was just talking, they got to a conversation talking about podcasting and he was like, oh, I kind of only know this one that my wife listens to. She puts it on the TV and makes me like talk about it as Well, although sometimes it's funny, that's what he said.

Starting point is 00:43:25 And then Toby's was like, hang on, what's the podcast called? And it was Live On God. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, I thought it was really lovely. But they actually do that in their relationship. Oh, I love that. Yeah, me too. Well, guys, please go and make your partner watch these.

Starting point is 00:43:41 And remember to tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. Thanks for watching!

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - “I Have A Crush On My Husband’s Brother”

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