Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - I Know My Friend Baby Trapped Him, The Mother-In-Law Posting His Ex and The Ex Crawling Back

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Ask Uncut where we answer your deep, your dark, your burning questions and I don't want to rub this in too much for you guys, Laura and Keish, because you have one more week. But this is officially my last episode before I take my month holiday and then Laura is going to take an extra week at the end when I come back with Keisha, but I am not mad about it. Keisha's just, we're just working it to the bone, baby. Keisha's actually not having a holiday. She's going to run this podcast by herself for four weeks. We'll see you back here soon. What would happen to your business? We really cooked the holiday period this year. Like we're actually only taking two weeks off

Starting point is 00:00:48 content. We've got some other bits and pieces dropping throughout the time as well, but Britt needed to take time off during June because that's when Ben's holidays and transfers and all of that stuff's happening and i need to take holiday in july because that's when school holidays are so we couldn't make it meet and so instead we were like kisha come here you know how at school high school and it was like a rainy day and your teacher used to wheel that tv the big box tv is that what i'm the rainy day tv don't you remember i know this is a segue but this is what we were talking about don't you remember how like important you felt when you were sitting in the classroom and you were in it was like primary school and they had a projector and the lesson was

Starting point is 00:01:30 a bi projector and always one person got to be the chosen person to like change the sheets on the projector what kind of school did you go to our teachers never gave us the opportunity to change the sheets I was never chosen no I don't know what that was like actually undiagnosed ADHD yeah we can all tell who was the school captain out of the three of us certainly wasn't Keisha or me yeah me I was primary school and high school let's get into your vibes and unsubscribes Britt what is your vibe for the week my vibe for the week is there's two separate series that are kind of similar it's on Netflix the most recent one from this year it's called worst ex ever and it's literally what it sounds like it's about the worst exes you could imagine like people that were

Starting point is 00:02:10 in these hectic relationships is mine on there sorry well probably yeah no these are worse these are like these are really really bad they're like murderers and stuff like that and yeah he wasn't that bad every single episode it's like standalone so it's not a it's not a series that flows through on one story every single episode is different and there was a similar series that came out a few years ago that I guess is tied in and it's like the worst roommate ever and so it's people that were just like housemates with people and it's the same vibe but it's just that they weren't romantic it was people that moved in or whatever but I got hooked on the first one a few years ago and we just finished watching last night the worst ex ever so if it I think it's really enjoyable I

Starting point is 00:02:51 shouldn't say enjoyable when we're talking about the content but the fact that you can just tap in and out for whatever episode like you don't need to sit down and flow through them I find to be valuable like when you don't have a lot of time you're like oh I'm just gonna go pick episode seven this sounds interesting yeah it's so easy to consume I've actually watched a couple of episodes of the worst works the worst ex ever oh my god say that 10 times fast it's really hard I know that's why I can't get it out of my mouth. But do you know what I just thought of which is actually a really good call out and I would actually love to know maybe we need to kind of revisit this next week or when Brit's back who knows. God knows what's happening over the next few weeks. Wait

Starting point is 00:03:26 for me. I would love to know life's worst roommate stories because I reckon you guys have some absolute fucking cooked ones. I have a couple but we will save that for when we revisit this another day. Keisha what is your vibe? My vibe this week is actually I want to say small business but they've got quite a few thousand I think they're like 50,000 followers on Instagram so they're getting a little bigger it's a period underwear so the brand is Aunt Flo so F-L-O for Flo that's a great name it's a small female founded business from South Australia I recently bought the full gusset bundle which is five pairs and the thing that is different about these ones that is not as common in all of your period underwear is that they have the I'm going to use the words

Starting point is 00:04:10 protection all the way up the front and all the way up the back so really good for sleeping really good if you've got i am quite lucky my flow is not too heavy so like i don't really need the whole hog but if you do apparently that can be a real problem for people who have period underwear there's something really guttural about the name full gusset really get in there well that's what's cool about them they're very chic and they're quite sexy some of them so like have a little look you can get ones that are like nice prints they got lace around them they're really they've really feminined up the period underwear and so I've used them and they're really comfortable I probably could have sized down now that you know because I do like them to be a bit bigger

Starting point is 00:04:52 but thinking that their period underwear might be a bit of an issue Keisha just tried to access this site via the work wi-fi and the work wi-fi was like no you're trying to access a porn site now I've seen it it doesn't look like a porn site but there's lots of butts so I get why it was like there's a lot of men's nipples everywhere and why can't we have misogyny period under patriarchy so the brand is called Aunt Flo they've got a whole different range whether you like they've got g-string versions uh boy leg high waist high cut they've got literally any kind of form of underwear that you like in a period underwear version and I think the brand is great and we love getting behind like small female-led businesses in Australia so just a couple of

Starting point is 00:05:31 days ago I was wearing my period undies because I just find them so comfortable as well like once you get a good pair you're locked in and Ben like came up behind me and grabbed no I was laying down I was in bed he grabbed my butt like had a little feel you know and then I could feel him like having a feel that wasn't like a sexy feel he was like feeling like what are you wearing he looks at me he's like you're gonna nap you yeah and he rolls me over and he goes baby and I said yeah and he are you wearing a nappy and I was like I could I could not breathe and I said do you think I'm wearing a nappy like do you the way he said it with so much care in his voice like who have I married yeah like there was something wrong and I wasn't telling him like I don't know and I was

Starting point is 00:06:14 like no baby's peering undies and he was like gotcha he was like I was a little bit worried about what they were in a minute and I just realized he'd never seen them like I guess i've never worn them around him confusing that his first thought was a nappy and not a pad i don't wear pads let's not unpack that one i have a small business recommendation as well you guys know we've actually now spoken them about them twice recently which is weird once on the resting or rotting episode that we just did recently and now so holly kingston and jimmy nicholson they have just launched a new business it's called qb do we have a podcast crush on them I think I love them.

Starting point is 00:06:48 I think we love them. I think we love them. We all, Australia loves them. I just adore them. I like, I love their little, like they're just a cute family and you know, anyway. Okay. So Jimmy and Holly just launched a business. It's called Cubie.

Starting point is 00:07:00 They're doing suitcase packing cubes, right? I am the most chaotic packer in the entire world. I'm sure it comes as no surprise. Usually the dirty clothes, the clean clothes, everything just goes like smushed into the one thing. Now I've gotten packing cubes before and they're just not very good. So I just never use them. genuinely like I was like well it didn't really help so they kind of never became part of my

Starting point is 00:07:22 packing repertoire these packing cubes are genuinely so they've done such a good job they are so thoughtfully designed they're so good with all the different types of compartments the different types of ways in which you can pack your clothes to create more space within your suitcase and also like if you're traveling with kids clothes in the bag or your husband's clothes or your partner's clothes like it just means that there's more separation to things so if you need to find things quickly it all makes sense and it's really good quality I was super impressed so I am going away to India and that's why I got them and I just was like go you guys they've done so well so it's called Quby loads of packing cubes I'm a packing cube girl I've always packed with them

Starting point is 00:08:00 because I think I find it really good to travel with knowing where my stuff is as soon as you get there especially if you have multiple suitcases and I will buy some of their Qubys as soon as I get back because I saw that I didn't know they were releasing them or I would have tried to get a pre-order before I came here but what I will say is it is so hard to get good ones and I have gone through so many and when I was watching them release the brand online everything they were saying I was like yes because the zippers are always very flimsy and they always break when you get there and so I cannot wait to get my hands on them and I'm so stoked for them yeah and I would say my number one favorite is they have like a toiletries version it's just very thoughtfully

Starting point is 00:08:34 designed I think considering that this is their first business and first like round of products that they've released, they've done an absolutely phenomenal job. So, all right, let's get into the questions. Okay. Question number one. My mother-in-law posted multiple photos on Facebook of her with my current partner's ex-wife. So my partner and I have been together for 10 years. He was married before. And from what he told me, his wife and mother-in-law did not get along. The other day, my mother-in-law posted photos of her out to brunch with the ex-wife all over Facebook. And I mean at least three separate posts. My friends and family I've run this by, I think it's directly to get under my skin. So I haven't acknowledged it, but it kind

Starting point is 00:09:15 of bothers me. My partner hasn't mentioned anything to his mom because he's so uncomfortable about it. What should I do? Do I ignore it? Do I say something? Do you think this would be a direct knock at me? I think you do nothing. I think you do and say absolutely nothing. Unless you know that there is actually a reason why your mother-in-law would be so vindictive or nasty like if this is in line with things that she's done before then I would be like okay there's a greater conversation here like why does your mom hate me like what's going on here but if this is just a very unusual circumstance I would say don't make a big deal out of something because it actually might very well be and have nothing to do with you I know that like it's easy to say like it's

Starting point is 00:09:57 a direct dig at you but it could just be that like she was in town they caught up but why post it because sometimes parents are weird with facebook all right my mom wrote lol on someone's funeral announcement thinking it was lots of love so like i mean realistically all people on the internet need to be careful my mom my mom opened a group chat she added me to a group chat and i like not on whatsapp i mean on instagram and i was like that's a weird group chat and i went into it and I was like what is she doing and she'd sent like funny she was sending funny memes to it and there were about 50 people and I knew that she didn't know who they were and I was like mom what's this group chat you started she's like I haven't started a group chat and I was like

Starting point is 00:10:38 you're sending memes to a guy called Barry from Florida and she was like what they don't know what they're doing they don't okay they're not all as oblivious and also sorry I bet you my mom this happened like 20 years ago she probably doesn't remember sorry mom I love you I love you LOL. LOL. Lots of love. Lots of love. Okay. So the reason why I say don't do anything is because what outcome are you going to get by bringing it up? How are you going to even approach this conversation? Are you going to be like, Hey mom, can we go out for coffee? And then are you going to be like, Hey, I need to talk to you about the fact that you posted photos of my husband's ex wife. Like she's allowed to have coffee with her. She's allowed to post photos of her. And I think

Starting point is 00:11:17 that that's all she's going to respond with is like, well, why do you have such a problem with it we had a relationship we were friends and I know that you've heard second hand that they didn't get along but like she's never directly told you that they didn't get along so it's just it I feel as though unfortunately yes it could be a stab but trying to sit in it and ask questions and unpack the why behind it is just going to cause you an unnecessary amount of like mental burden and upset and I think you just park this one and be like I don't know whatever those weird fucking mind games are but I'm not playing those games and just carry on living your happy life and you know what it is too it's like when if you really think you said I think she's trying to get under my skin

Starting point is 00:11:56 the most powerful thing you can do is not have any response like not gives it oxygen it's get hotter I mean sorry not pay any attention I don't want to say like it's it's not a game and I want to say yeah you show her like because you don't want this to be a back and forth but I do think it's a bit weird to say hey I saw you sat down with Bobby's ex from 10 years ago like so what at the end of the day and why is it getting under your skin you've been with him for 10 years so who cares like I understand that you care it is your husband it's the mother-in-law you want to be a united family you want to feel like you're important and you matter and you have respect and I'm sorry if you don't feel like that but I would be just taking the high road on this

Starting point is 00:12:36 100% say nothing and if anything you'll know that it's going to bother her even more yeah and I think the only thing I want to add to this is when you don't have all of the pieces of information we often try and fill in the blanks and sometimes when we fill in the blanks we go to the worst version of what we're filling in the blanks with like she may have just been in town who knows the reason why they exchanged to catch up it may not be about you do you know I mean I know you think it's about you but it may not be about you and so I just wouldn't allow it to get under my skin If this continues, though, like if this behavior continues, if she keeps on doing things that seem like subtle or overt jabs, then absolutely I would be sitting down at some point being like, hey, what's going on? But at the moment with just this one thing, I would kind of park it.

Starting point is 00:13:22 You've talked to your husband about it. Who's the most important person in this equation? And I don't know if I would be bothering with the drama. You guys are being very mature. Keisha's like, I think they can catch up. I don't like it. I think it's weird that she's posted three photos on Facebook. Like, to me, it just seems a little too calculated, a little too deliberate.

Starting point is 00:13:42 But maybe I'm petty. You know what you need to do? You need to find one of her exes. You need to go and catch up with them. And you need to post it on Facebook. And that is how you get the upper hand by not taking the high road. Imagine going out for lunch with your mother-in-law's ex from 40 years ago. Get that power, baby.

Starting point is 00:13:59 Yeah, that's not it, Keisha. I wonder if she's a frequent poster, though. because it's very different if she never, ever, ever posts to Instagram or Facebook and then all of a sudden she's just posted a photo with your husband's ex. Really telling me you would not find it weird if Matt's mum Ellie took out one of his exes and didn't say anything to you, didn't say anything to Matt, and posted photos of it on Facebook. Are you genuinely telling me you wouldn't be pissed off?

Starting point is 00:14:22 Ellie lives with me, so if she didn't mention it to me, I'd be like, that's weird. Okay, for example, if my mum caught up with one of my exes, I wouldn't think that she was doing it to get underneath Matt's skin. I would think it was weird. She didn't need to get under your skin. I would think she was doing it to piss me off. All right, next question. My friend has had a Friends With Benefits that has been going on

Starting point is 00:14:44 on and off for years. It's often in secret and she knows most of her friends don't approve of him as he has also been seeing other women at the same time and he generally doesn't show her much respect. She recently told me that she is pregnant with this man, that it's been a lot to process and that she would like my support the difficult thing is i know it was a deliberate quote-unquote accident just weeks before falling pregnant she had told me that she thought about not taking the morning after pill and that if there was anyone to have

Starting point is 00:15:15 an accident with it was this guy and it makes sense i haven't visited her yet to be honest i don't know how to show up for this she has wanted to be a mom for so long but i'm not going to be able to pretend to believe that this was just a happy accident do I delicately tell her that I don't believe it was an accident how do I carry that alone when everyone else thinks it is and how do I not let my own judgment on this man and the actions come through this took a few turns I didn't see coming this is like I just did not yeah when when it was like she accidentally fell pregnant I was like what a disaster and then you're saying you think it was intentional I was like well she wanted to be mom this is so messy but I don't think it's on you to be able to put

Starting point is 00:15:57 that stress onto her like I know you're uncomfortable with it but you don't get to go to her and say I don't believe you that it was an accident I mean you can if you want but it'll be friendship ending and if it's not friendship ending it will definitely cause a rift between you at the end of the day I wonder how good this friend is is she a best friend like is this someone that you are just like going through thick and thin and you know each other so well or is it just someone in the friend group. If it's a best friend, she's about to go through the biggest thing in her life. And so whether you think that the journey there was different to what she's saying, I would almost say is irrelevant in this situation. For me, I think it depends on what she

Starting point is 00:16:33 does with it. Is she going to be trying to use that against this person? Is it going to be like some manipulation? I don't know. If it goes into this deep manipulative web of lies and the power play and whatever else, and it's about to blow up his life. And I probably wouldn't want to be overly involved in that if it was just like a friend in the friendship circle like the broader circle but I know you're saying like I have to carry it alone what are you carrying I guess that's my question I'm like you don't have to agree with everything that your friends do if somebody's intentionally gone and gotten pregnant with someone when they are maybe having conversations about condoms or she's intentionally missed the pill that is super

Starting point is 00:17:10 fucked like that is actually illegal in a lot of places you can't say that you're using condoms are not you can't pull out you can't be tricking people into falling pregnant but people do it for me I don't think you can go and approach her and say I don't believe you I would just be going along for the ride with her being there for when she needs it and if you start to really strongly not agree with what is happening or what is being said or how it's unfolding sure remove yourself from the friendship like that's also your choice yeah I think that there is a few parts to this which I feel potentially slightly differently to the way you feel Brit but also we don't have all the information we don't know that she said that she was on contraception and we don't know we

Starting point is 00:17:49 don't know what has happened here and when you say you think that she did it deliberately because she didn't go and take the morning after pill like did she have an obligation to take the morning after pill is that a commitment that they'd made prior to her having sex because there's a lot of gray in here and he does also still have some responsibility for ejaculating in her if she wasn't on a pill hence why she had to take an after pill in the first place like there's there's grey. I think it's pretty rough to go down the route of being like, I know that you did this deliberately, unless you actually know that this was a deliberate thing and you know what they agreed in terms of contraception in their relationship. The morning after pill is not

Starting point is 00:18:28 first line contraception. It's literally called plan B. Yeah, it's plan B. So that's why when you say she deliberately got herself pregnant because she didn't take the morning after pill, that's why it's grey for me. It would be different if you said she intentionally didn't take the contraception pill and lied about it. Hear me out though. How would you react in this situation? Just say you're having sex with someone. You are both consented that the contraception you're going to use is a condom, right? Like we're using a condom. That's what I'm consenting to. The condom breaks. They ejaculate inside you. Do you have a responsibility to go and take the morning after pill? Well, it depends on what your discussions are. The only discussion up until that happening is the

Starting point is 00:19:06 condom. I've had this happen. Yes. However, and I won't stick on this too long. If you did flip agendas in this situation let's say it was dark and you didn't know and you'd agreed to use a condom as your form of contraception and then that person deliberately didn't you know if that guy deliberately didn't use a condom I mean it's against the law exactly yeah so if this girl has gone into this situation and they've agreed upon contraception method that's what he's consented to and so she has deliberately lied to him in that situation she has done the wrong thing Yeah, but I don't know anyone who goes into sex pre-having the conversation of I will take the morning-after pill.

Starting point is 00:19:42 I have never had sex with someone and gone, don't worry if things go wrong, I'll take the morning-after pill. Like I've never made that commitment. So like that is why I feel slightly like conflicted about this question. Yeah, but this is a year's worth of situationship. I have no doubt that they have had a conversation about that kind of thing.

Starting point is 00:19:59 Like you've been doing this for years. Like sure, maybe not in a one-night stand. You're like, hey, if this happens, will you take the morning-after pill? I'm going to make a strong assumption that when you have been sleeping with someone for a really long time, you have come to some kind of agreement on contraception. It's not a one-nighter. And again, this whole conversation is assumptions. We don't have enough information, which is why we're trying to cover all the ground here. But for now, I'd be just showing up for your friend. So this next question came from our Facebook discussion group, and it was posted by the friend

Starting point is 00:20:30 of the person going through the problem because she wanted to stay anonymous. My friend has a six-month-old baby. Her husband recently decided to make a major career switch to a profession where he will barely be home. They'll be visiting each other once a week or only once a month. For context, both of them have stable careers and earn six-figure salaries. She is scared and does not want this arrangement of carrying the entire mental load and the entire physical load on her own.

Starting point is 00:20:56 She doesn't want to be alone raising an infant. When she brought this up with her husband, he decided to take the job anyway and twisted her words and accused her of, quote, not wanting to take responsibility for her own child. The backstory. Her husband recently found out that my friend had cheated on him. She knows she can't force him to stay because of this, but she really can't do it alone. Her question for the group, is this situation a ground for divorce or does she just need to suck it up and accept this solo parenting load because she was the one who broke the trust in the marriage in the first place. Would love to hear your thoughts and advice. Thanks in advance.

Starting point is 00:21:32 I mean, this has had so many comments in the Facebook group and people are a little bit conflicted. One of the big overarching themes that's come through in the comment section is people saying you can't bury the comment of like, oh, and my friend cheated. You can't put that at the end of his shortcomings. You can't. And that's exactly what one person said in the comments. You can't put all of the things that he's now done and the ways in which he has kind of I guess like run away from the responsibility of the relationship and parenting and then just as a byline say oh and she cheated because I do think that the reason why he is behaving the way he's behaving is because this is like a punishment for the cheating and a punishment for the breakdown in the relationship

Starting point is 00:22:13 I'm not saying that that's okay though because the reality is is if you have chosen to stay together post-cheating, you have a responsibility to each other and you have a responsibility, especially to your child, if you are a parent. And he has chosen to punish her, but also punish the child because he's so angry about this cheating situation. You asked the question, is it grounds for divorce? I think everything that's happened in this relationship is grounds for divorce. I think if they don't work on this relationship, work on communicating, work on stop punishing each other, work on both showing up in a way that puts the relationship first it will end in divorce I mean I don't have much more to add like everything you said is right

Starting point is 00:22:53 but the thing that really pisses me off here is yeah she cheated on him but that doesn't mean you get to not be a parent anymore like that doesn't mean you get to say you cheated on me so I'm fucking out of here I'll take it once a month and quote you need to take responsibility for your own child it takes two to ten go mate it does the reason doesn't matter what happened in your relationship is irrelevant to the way you show up for your child so that really irked me I thought you're just shaking your responsibility. You are using this as an excuse now to go and live your life in another city, show up once a month for your child. It's rubbish. It's like you both had the child. It literally takes two people to make a human. It is grounds for divorce and maybe that's

Starting point is 00:23:33 what you guys should do. If you're out there cheating on your husband and he's happy enough to move away, if anything, he may end up seeing his child more because you can go through custody arrangements and whatever either way you're going to be solo parenting he's either gone and you're together and you're solo parenting or you divorce and you're solo parenting so if the crux of this issue is you don't want to be solo parenting I don't see a way in which that doesn't exist in this scenario unfortunately and I feel really bad for you because I mean we say it all the time we get judged all the time but I don't think cheating has to be the end of the world we don't condone it we don't think it's right, but I think it depends on the situation, the where, the why, the how,

Starting point is 00:24:15 the how they show up after, what does it mean? Are they remorseful? Are you going to therapy? Are you working on it? There's so much around cheating. Cheating is not just black and white, but it seems pretty black and white for your husband. It seems like he's going to use that against you for however long, because he's used it enough to say, I have a really good, stable job here and great money. You don't want me to leave. My family's here. I'm still going to take that choice and it's because you fucked this up so I think maybe that is a situation or a discussion that your friend should think seriously about is not being in this relationship anymore because he's made it clear he's not going to be there to support you yeah you know what

Starting point is 00:24:50 Brit the thing that I was really surprised about by the comments and I will say this lifers you usually are great like you usually are bang on but what I was surprised about is and maybe I shouldn't be surprised about it but socially and morally we have such strong opinions about cheating we really really do but what was surprising to me is that so many people in the comment section is like the reason why he's leaving and only seeing his child once a month is because she cheated I get that but you know what cheating is not a reason and like you said Britt to completely absolve you of the responsibility of parenting you don't then just get to tap into parenting and use parenting as a punishment and see your kid once a month like

Starting point is 00:25:32 that also makes you a shit yes you might be hurt by what happened to you in the relationship also makes you a shit dad my question is why does your friend want to stay married to someone who only wants to see her once a month and only wants to see their child once a month like is it because she feels responsible and she's carrying so much guilt for the cheating that she feels like this is a punishment she deserves like is that why she's staying is that why she's considering how that this can work out I think that there's a lot of other ways to kind of unpack this and I think yes the cheating is one thing but his reaction is a whole different thing that also needs to be a lot of responsibility and accountability needs to be taken there yeah one

Starting point is 00:26:07 of the comments the top one that has 95 likes on it and a bunch of comments underneath says unfortunately she chose to do it alone when she cheated on her husband that really surprised me the only and I know I'm really playing devil's advocate here because I even commented in here where I was like hang on a minute cheating aside he's a dad however one caveat that I think would make me potentially change my mind is whether that cheating may have resulted in the pregnancy so if that child is potentially not his you know like genetically his I know that he's been caring for it so it is his child but do you get my point no I think we're making leaps and bounds at that one like I mean it's possible it's only six months old it could be yeah but we don't know when they

Starting point is 00:26:51 cheated guys like like that's such a leap I think that that's a leap to say that she's had a child to someone else maybe but I don't think that's what the question is the thing that I'm calling bullshit on and especially on that comment and and I love the lifers and I love the advice the reason I don't like that comment you guys always tell us when we get it wrong so we're going to tell you when you get it wrong well hear me out the reason I don't like that comment and it rubs me the wrong way is because this isn't verbatim but what was it Keisha she had to solo parent when she cheated unfortunately she chose to do it alone when she cheated on her husband chose to do it alone yeah okay so that is such bullshit because role reversal right we know

Starting point is 00:27:27 women cheat but we know men cheat so much more tell me a time that a man has cheated and the woman has then walked away and absolved herself of being a parent and a mother because he cheated never men never cheating and then people are like the woman's like well i'm out of here like you've chosen this life take the kids and i'm fucking off to more perth and i'm gonna live my life out there like that's just a really shitty reason for me I don't think there's any truth to that you don't get to choose to solo parent when you make a mistake and it would never happen if the sexes were reversed yeah I mean it definitely is so steeped in the patriarchy right that he has the opportunity or even the choice to be able to remove himself and that she's left with doing

Starting point is 00:28:05 all the parenting but I am surprised by the overarching feeling in the comment section which is that she brought this upon herself by cheating and that it's acceptable that he's chosen to remove himself as a dad because of her actions. All right, question four. I split up with my partner five years after we had two children together and we're only four months into marriage. He left me for a local barmaid and honestly, it completely broke me. It's now been around two years and we've spent most of that time dealing with court and sorting out the separation. Lately, he's been begging for us to work things out again. He says he realizes that he made the biggest mistake of his life and admitted that a lot of the conflict after separation came from

Starting point is 00:28:48 jealousy and not liking my new partner. The hard part is I still do love him to a point and I miss being a family, but I can't tell if I genuinely miss him or I just miss the comfort and the idea of our family unit being together under one roof again. I'm now in a new relationship. My partner is incredibly good to my boys and I do love him too, but deep down, I'm not sure if he's actually the person I see my future with forever. Our boys are only three and five and absolutely adore both of us. They constantly talk about wanting mommy and daddy to live together again, which makes this even harder. I feel stuck between two lives, going back to what's familiar and rebuilding my family or continuing the new life that I've created over the past two years. I am scared

Starting point is 00:29:31 of making the wrong decision, hurting people and turning everyone's lives upside down again. How do you know whether you truly still love someone and should give it another chance or whether you were just holding on to the idea of the family that you once had. I'd appreciate any advice. You know, I don't often like to give absolute advice, especially with breakups and relationships, unless it's like so clear cut. But for this, it's pretty clear cut for me. I would absolutely say that you can love somebody and they're not the right person. And I think that's what this situation is. Do not go back to him. That's what I would say. I would say this is somebody that you loved and trusted for five years you just made the biggest commitment of

Starting point is 00:30:13 your life and got married you have two tiny children and then he just gets up and walks away and leaves you for a woman that he met in a bar oh sorry and then after that made your life hell for however long because he was jealous that you moved on there's just so many red flags in there and I have no doubt that you love him he's a father of your children he was your husband and you married him but you don't have to be with the person that you love and we know more times than not you can love people that is so deeply wrong and it doesn't mean that that's your person and I can't imagine how hard it is when your little kids are like please can mom and dad get back together and it breaks my I just got goosebumps it breaks my heart because I feel like that would

Starting point is 00:30:53 be such an immense pressure on you to provide that family unit but it sounds like you have a really beautiful family unit now with someone else that you love you don't have the same shared history but he's looking after your children and he's showing up and it sounds like he treats you with a lot more respect than your ex I also think in this instance like sometimes it's really hard to set the boundaries especially when you desperately want the reality to be something else like you never wanted to not be with him you married him you had two children together you thought that that was your life you saw the potential of what your life could be and four months into that marriage he left how do you ever rebuild trust again how do you ever

Starting point is 00:31:31 find stability. I know that you have the romance and the idea of what the life might be, but like he has proven that he is someone that you cannot trust. And I just don't think, I mean, the amount of work, the amount of therapy, the amount of fucking him working on himself, you working on yourself that would need to take place in order for you all to arrive at a destination where you could trust that he's never going to either cheat on you, leave you, abandon you, all of those things again. And also the second part of this, where you say he's made your life pretty hellish over the last two years. And he's dwindled that down to the fact that he was jealous of the fact that you've got a new partner. None of that behavior to me screams that he's done the work.

Starting point is 00:32:10 None of it screams that he's changed. All of it screams to me that he probably has nothing else that's giving him validation in his life right now. He's lost the barmaid. He's latching back onto the thing that makes him feel good when he doesn't have that. And that's you. Please don't upend your life and go back to this person because they will fucking destroy your life. He will destroy your life. I would say book yourself into a really, really good counsellor. Spa day. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:36 Sorry. Go and use an infrared sauna and do some ice baths. That will fix everything. No, I think you need to book yourself in with a really, really good counsellor or like, you know, a relationship counsellor, a psychologist. Sit down and really talk through this. Talk through the reasons why you're contemplating getting back together. Like there is a lot here that you need to unpack.

Starting point is 00:32:57 And this is certainly not anything that you would ever rush into. He needs to, if you would even consider it as a possibility, you need a hundred percent clarity that he has done the work that would make him a different person. I don't believe he has. And saying sorry is not the work. You know what my advice is though? I reckon you need to talk about this with a friend who has been there through it because every single one of us do this.

Starting point is 00:33:21 When you are thinking about like the potential of a relationship, we always do best case scenario and it is so rarely reflective and accurate to what it was actually like so like you're imagining this perfect family unit this family that go and do fun things together and all the joy and all the happiness you're not remembering how it actually was I think I tried to do the month math he left you for the barmaid when you had a one-year-old it's just four months you know what I mean like it's nuts and another kid at home who was three yeah so that was the reality of your situation and sometimes I think if you've got a friend that you can have these types of discussions with and they're not going to judge you for even contemplating you know going

Starting point is 00:34:00 back to that person but just hold a mirror up and be like ah you're maybe remembering that with rose-colored glasses like you're forgetting that he did this and he didn't come home that night and he lied about this and just having that person who can bounce reality back to you I think will be very helpful on that as well Keish like imagine saying to your friends hey I'm thinking after two years of going through court separations and everything else of his shitty ass behavior imagine sitting down with your best friend and saying i'm thinking about getting back with him if she doesn't fucking knock you over the head or you know sometimes we're embarrassed to tell our friends the things that we're thinking like sometimes when you you go through a bad relationship

Starting point is 00:34:37 or you go through a bad breakup and you're you know you're then talking to your ex or like there's some sort of like repair that's going on sometimes we feel embarrassed to share that information with our friends because we know that our friends will say what the hell are you doing everything you've said in this question is like do not go back to this man please for the love of god i feel and this is different for everyone i feel differently to you keish in terms of when you say go and sit down with a friend and let them remind you i feel differently because i think she knows that and most people know that most people know what their friends are going to say their friends are going to say what the fuck are you thinking sometimes i think it's easier to go to somebody like us in

Starting point is 00:35:15 this example the reason she's written to us is we're unbiased she's given us all the points that we need to know and then she knows she's going to get a real really unbiased opinion based on that and that's why sometimes a therapist is so good people go to and speak to a therapist or a stranger over their friends all the time and i think because they know deep down what their friends are going to say and we don't want to believe that and so it's easy to push it away when it comes from your friend when it comes from a source that's like look i don't know you guys from a bar of fucking soap i don't care what happens that's us giving me the facts he's cooked yeah he's cooked like the guy's cooked and the more you read through it the more i read through it i'm praying to the

Starting point is 00:35:50 lords the relationship gods that you see that that is not going to be a good choice for you because he told you who he was when he walked away from you four months after your marriage for a girl at a bar and left you with a one and three-year-old then made your life hell because he was jealous you moved on his relationship hasn't worked now he wants to come fucking crawling back you have a family unit because you said you miss a family unit it sounds like you have a beautiful one i hope you sit in that that's our advice i think collectively we can say that it sounds like a very fucking bad idea to go back to this person you know it was the one comment in the facebook group it's got 126 likes it's the top comment and it seems to be something that we

Starting point is 00:36:27 haven't really discussed with in the three of us here personally i'd be splitting up with your current partner because he deserves someone who is committed to him then I would be staying single and working on yourself and then there's more of that comment about the old partner but what's your take on whether she should stay with the person that she's currently with I had considered that Keish and the reason I didn't say anything is because I don't think she breaks up with her current partner and it would be different for me if she was showing up saying you know I met a guy down at the local pool swimming and he's got me thinking like the grass is greener that's not what this is i think we give a little bit more grace when it is the father of our children and

Starting point is 00:37:07 somebody that was so ingrained in your life and that is why i think that she can stay with him and she has let the tiniest bit of doubting it's probably not based on love it's based on something broader which is a family unit and she's made that clear she's like am i doing the wrong thing by not getting the original family unit back you know i love both of them but one's the family unit and a biological father and the other one's just a great man that i've met and i think that's why she's let the confusion come into it it's not because she's not in the relationship that she's in she loves him and i think she probably thinks it's great i don't believe she would have the same level of doubt if it was not the father of her children and her ex-husband yeah and i i agree

Starting point is 00:37:46 completely he this man does not respect you at all he doesn't respect you sounds like a kid whose toy has been taken by someone else and now they want that and they want it back he has didn't respect you when he was married to you he didn't respect you through the separation and now that you're happy and he's not he doesn't respect you now like this is not a man that you should be with parent co-parent with him but do not go back to him laura did not mince words no but it's true and brit is going on holidays we've got to get out of here because brit's got some pina coladas where are you going i'm in sardinia sardinia beautiful what i will say is we have a month holiday but we booked it like three days ago because they're the kind of people

Starting point is 00:38:23 we are and we're doing sardinia which is amazing i've never been it's been so high on my list couple of days in capri couple of days in late como oh my god and oh and then we're gonna have like a party week i think not that i'm a partier but you know in mykonos who is she i know well ben's not a big drinker and i think that's not only because he's an athlete and so he's always focused on that but he he says it takes him it's too hard to get drunk because he's so big so like he's like, I have the opposite problem. Exactly. Keys. You smell alcohol and you're off your tits. Ben has to have like liters of alcohol before it touches the sides. But usually there's like one week of the year in his preseason, like holiday that he lets loose and he loves Mykonos.

Starting point is 00:39:09 So I have a feeling we might see party Ben, but we'll see. I am so jealous. And I think that there will come a point where I'll mute you for a couple of weeks. I'll show Delilah photos and videos and go, look at what your mother's doing. I may hit critical mass of Aperol spritz and I might have to mute Brit. I love you so much, but I'll come back when you're not just living the world's most amazing life. I do want to say one thing, actually, seriously, from the episode we did last week when Laura was like, tell us about your life. And I said, look, I feel like no one wants to hear it and it's unrelatable. And I feel bad for talking about my life. I actually got so many of you life is right to me, which is really nice. Privately, my DMs just saying, please don't feel

Starting point is 00:39:48 feel bad and and please post in your love story and your and you know what you're doing because you worked hard to get there and it is your story and you're in love and i felt it was really nice to feel that and i know that some people will still fucking hate me and they will mute me and i get that as well but like to have those people reach out to me to let me know just so you guys know when you do do that we read them all and it means a lot to us so thank you brit what i'm hearing from this is that I was right so thank you no honestly we want you to be happy we want you to be happy and I mean this like if you guys didn't listen to last week's episode it was Wednesday's episode go and listen to it but I was like Brit people want to know about what your life

Starting point is 00:40:28 is like in Italy like I want to know and I was like no one cares and I was like please just like tell us you know like you have waited for so long to have the opportunity to be with Ben and to just be happy and be together and like we are all so fucking thrilled for you the life is a thrill for you like you've gotten your fairy tale ending and you can finally be in the fairy tale ending yeah but i think it was more palatable when i was in my fairy tale ending in romania than the amalfi anyway guys if you have any ask uncut questions slide them on into the dms you can join it uh the discussion group at life uncut discussion group and also we do have content i mean keisha and i are going to be here next week don't leave us we will be in your ears and we do have content

Starting point is 00:41:07 dropping throughout this little holiday period that we have happening. Brand new content too. Not replays. No. Brand new, fresh. Oh yeah, we're not doing you dirty. We're not pulling back from the archives. We've got new stuff for you as well.

Starting point is 00:41:18 Anyway, you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love! We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - I Know My Friend Baby Trapped Him, The Mother-In-Law Posting His Ex and The Ex Crawling Back

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