Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - I was the 'other woman', should I tell his fiancé?

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

Happy Thursday lovers! It’s Ask Uncut time!Today on the menu: “Help! I realised my bf of two years had a gf and a new baby! Do I tell her before they get married or take it to my grave!?”“Help! My bf never wants sex or to even spend time with me UNTIL I decided to leave him! Do I go back or leave him for dust?”“Help! My boyfriends has a controlling family and I don’t know where I stand”“Help! What do I do when I have ‘bathroom’ issues with my new live in quarantine bf!? So awkward!” Let’s do it lovers. Enjoy and share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to our second episode of the week. We have just recorded this intro four times because we suck, but this is Ask Uncut, and we are answering all of your deep, dark, and dirty questions that you have sent in. Thank you to everybody who has sent in questions this week, mind you, because we have gotten a load. Yeah, welcome back, guys. Happy Thursday. You're one day off Friday, which is one day off the weekend, and that means nothing because

it is Groundhog Day. But no, like Loretta said, thanks for writing all your questions in. I actually really, really, really love doing these episodes. I love hearing the problems you guys have. It makes me feel a little bit more normal. And the range of questions we get is fantastic because some of them are super, super deep and heartfelt. Some of them are just like raging sex questions and then some of them are just questionable. Well, we were actually just saying earlier that we used to only get sex questions.

Like you guys only used to send in the most like raunchy and risque questions. And now you actually send in questions with a bit more like heart to them where you're talking about your relationships or you're talking about your life. And one, we feel very, very flattered, very privileged to be able to answer your life dilemmas. But secondly, like, is it because I keep on saying that I'm not having any sex? Do you think that I'm not qualified to answer these sex questions anymore? Like that girl is not getting any.

So she can't come in on this because she got no experience. It's like, how does she know the answer to that? But how has the last few days? Don't hold me. Keep 1.5. I would hold you if I could. I'm air hugging you. How's the last few days been?

So it has only been a few days between recording. So have you done anything exciting? Do you know what? I'm going to make myself sound really old. Oh, give it to me. Really old. I have a really sore back. I've got a bad back, Brittany.

Babes, I've got a wrist guard on. What is wrong with us? We're so old. So I've been struggling with this bad back and shoulder for the past couple of days and I'm too scared to go to the physio or to go to the doctor's about it. So I've just been battling on like the little battler I am. And I slept for like 13 hours last night. 13 hours?

Are you sure Matt didn't slip something in your drink last night? Like I have had enough of you for one month. Marley has finally started sleeping through the night, which is just, she's almost 10 months. the past week has only woken up one night through the night and it's amazing it's like a miracle i i do actually feel like a new person after sleeping for so long oh congratulations thank you thank you very much is that why you have so much energy this morning it's like i'm seeing a new woman i'm like manic yeah you are just manic out i'll tone it down a couple of notches i love

this laura how are you tell me what's been happening give me a highlight well i have done something new and i have i've really wanted to take this time now that i have a little bit of extra time to start to do things I don't do and I don't cook okay I just don't I bake I love like sweets we all know that shock horror but I like I guess for all those people I've been alone for so long and living on my own and single and blah blah blah anyone else that has is single or lives alone you would know it's super hard to cook for one person it really is you end up wasting a lot or it's just hard to make a really good meal of one and so I ended up sort of giving up on the cooking and I always cook really basic things like just a piece of salmon and some salad like

I feel like salad and salmon is the single girl food I think every single girl she cooks a piece of salmon and she cooks some salad you look like you're gonna comment um but I have decided to do some like little online cooking tutorials and I cooked gnocchi how many ingredients did the gnocchi have in it like three it's like it's like potato flour you excel look at you venturing into new uncharted territories oh i was like salt bae but with coriander on the top and like it was it was pretty impressive but um that's my first little cooking tutorial and it was really it was really good so it's been pretty wild in your house still last week we talked about jack in the box or jack box tv was on tuesday's episode and today it's all about the cooking things are getting pretty

crazy one might say wild as this is we should probably jump into the question all right hit me with the first question brit okay so we do get a lot of really deep questions and we love answering them but um we also get some questions like this some questionable questions some questionable questions due to quarantine i have recently moved in with my new partner we probably wouldn't have moved in this quickly but we thought hey why not we live in a small flat one bedroom sunroom and one bathroom and the bathroom is attached to the bedroom my question to you is what do you do when you need to do a poo and not a silent poo a poo that you know is going to make noise maybe you're a little bit gassy how do i avoid him hearing thank you for the hard-hitting questions today

guys also brit who chooses the questions thank you so much for this one this is exactly what our listeners want to hear well i actually thought the other ones are pretty deep and i thought this was pretty funny because i think everyone surely everyone has been in this situation where maybe you've gone and had a one-night stand or you just newly seen your partner and sometimes maybe you've eaten something that's not right i don't know maybe also like a one-night stand not that big a deal because you're not going to see the guy again oh still a big deal but early oh you just let it rip dude whatever i once dated a guy where it was a one-bedroom apartment so his toilet was an ensuite to his bedroom it was the only toilet in the house worst nightmare like honestly talk

me through that it was also his worst nightmare I think as well we don't need to talk through it it was it was very it's uh pungent might be the word that we could use to describe look I think that there are two types of people in this world IBS and non-IBS people who don't care and who will fart in front of their partners and who are like you know what it's a bodily function whatever they'll get over it of course you try and keep it to a minimum if you can but there's that's one category of partners the other one is there are couples out there who have never even farted in front of each other and they've been together for years that would be me i'm b that's my sister my sister and her husband who like so and i find this weird like

i i find that a weird thing but they have been together for like seven years and the only time that they ever fart in front of each other is if one of them accidentally farts in their sleep like they do not they're like that is not something that we will ever share it's not something we find funny it's just you do not do that in front of each other that's me 100 whereas matt sometimes will be like hey babe can you crack my back and so i'll go behind him and put my arms around him so that i'm like all right my front is in his yeah i'm giving him like a bear hug my front is in his back and then he'll fart in my lap i've fallen for it too many times to count no if my partner did that i'd be mad i just think it's i think it's great and like my parents we've spoken

about that they've been married for they've been married 42 years and that's like their thing they never would whiz pop or burp in front of each other it's their thing they're like let's some things should be kept personal and private and keep their romance alive and i'm like that if somebody whiz popped on me on purpose it makes me it makes me like proper hardcore legitimately mad like i'm i'm raging if someone does that i love that you still call it whiz pop okay so i I think at the moment you do have to be a little bit flexible in this area since everyone is at home in their own space, everyone's in lockdown. There is going to be a bit more sharing than what some people feel comfortable with.

There's probably going to be times where you're going to hear him go to the toilet as well. Just put some toilet – oh, actually, I was going to say put some toilet paper in the bowl, but maybe you've run out. That's like – You can't even pat it. It's like truffle at the moment. God. It's so rare.

I look I think what you could do is put some music on put some music on go to the bathroom do your thing put a tv show on just put some background so he's not going to hear it that's what I think that I don't think there's much else you can do or if you know it's going to be bad like if you know you've eaten something just be like heads up you probably not want to be here for a walk go for your one hour exercise a day go on out you go and I'm sure he will be just as appreciative of that feedback is yeah as you but I think in this in this case if you guys are stuck in a one better and you knew you're just gonna have to embrace it like it's a it's a it's normal a human bodily function yeah I get it but I do get for some people how it's so like they get

so embarrassed and so worked up like I know that for some people they would rather not go to the toilet then then risk their partner hearing it but also there are some people that that's not an option. There are some people that like, they can't hold it in. If they need to go, they need to go. Just embrace it, babe. Just, you know what? This is a weird time for everything. There are no rules in isolation. So you just own that. You stand strong. Okay. So now we've got that question out of the way. Let's get into some deeper things. Okay. So this is a longer question. So bear with me. I have been with my boyfriend for one year and eight months, and we have lived together just over a year. He's very loyal, caring, respectful guy. He was very helpful with anything I asked

him to help me with I'm 31 he's 34 I have a good career but he's studying online and working however he's just lost his job we both have the same goals we want to have a family and get married but since we have lived together we have had a lot of arguments and we stopped having sex we often go months and months without it I always want to have sex with him but whenever I would initiate intimacy he would 95% of the time turn it down due to various reasons example the time of day, not in the mood, we've had a fight. I'm a person who needs physical touch and it's not something that he does much of. A typical day after he comes home, he'll go straight to his computer, sit down and eat and then go to bed. That's it. After a while of trying to initiate

intimacy and being rejected, I just thought, stuff it, I'm going to start sleeping in another room because I'm sick of the rejection. We started seeing a counsellor to deal with all these issues because we both care about each other but it didn't go anywhere so I decided to leave and break up since we have broken up all of a sudden he is starting to be more touchy and flirty which he never was when we're together i'm not sure whether to keep trying now that he has started to show an interest i feel conflicted due to having the same life goals example we want the same things but knowing that he has been like this for the last two years what do i do do i try again or do I just leave this ended it kind of feels like if you do go back that you're settling like no part

of that question did you say I'm so in love with him I wanted this to be different I think about him all the time if you're only choosing to be with someone because you know that you have the same life goals but when you were actually together in a relationship it wasn't working out because he was behaving in a certain way I think you gave it all of your energy you went to a counselor, you really persisted with the relationship. I don't think that now because the relationship's over, it's that's that you should be giving it another chance. It's a really good point. I actually didn't think of that, that she didn't actually ever say that it was all only ever. We have the same life goals. We want a family. There are a lot of people out

there that you have the same life goals with that you'll also have that connection with and that intimacy with and, and that drive and desire and want. Totally. And I think when you're with a partner who constantly rejects you romantically so if you are putting yourself out there in a sexual way or even just to be intimate you know cuddling and kissing and your partner's like I don't feel like it I'm not in the mood I don't at a at a after a while that really wears down your self-esteem and it really makes you feel like there's something wrong with you so I think you deserve to be with somebody who makes you feel desired you deserve to be with someone who has a similar sexual drive as you so that you're not only you feel like you're loved but you also feel

sexually satisfied it's such an important part of a relationship and if you are completely mismatched in your sex drive it's going to cause issues in the long run anyway and it obviously already has in the past so I think in this case if this was me it feels like too little too late almost it's not the time for him to start putting in the effort now the time was when you were in the relationship I always try to put myself in the listeners shoes and I think if I was in this situation it is a huge red flag that you haven't even been living together that long you're not married yet but you're already sleeping in a different room like you're not even married and you can't even be in the same bed you have a lifetime to spend with the person you're going

to marry and you're already finding yourself not compatible and seeing counseling and I'm all for therapy and counseling I think that's brilliant but sometimes I think you have to admit defeat and admit that something's just not right and to me I think from what you have said that's all we can go off I don't think this is right and I think you've ended it and that's going to be hard because you love him regardless and you shared a big part of your life with him and it's going to be hard to move on but I think deep down you know that you're only probably wanting to go back because you're worried maybe you're not going to meet someone in time to get those life goals that you spoke about, but you, you definitely will. And it's, and it's, I guess it's comfortable as

well, just to kind of expand on what Britt said, like sometimes it feels easier to go back to what's known, even if it wasn't good, even if the relationship wasn't amazing, it's easier and it's less scary to go back to a relationship that was, that, that you know what the outcome is going to be. You know how you're going to be treated because that is safer than this scary idea that maybe you're never going to meet someone and maybe you won't meet someone who's got the same goals as you. But the reality is, is that if you are not connected on a sexual level, if he doesn't make you feel desired, if you don't feel loved in that relationship because you're sleeping in separate bedrooms and he's coming home playing video games and going to bed, then you're not going to have

that life that you desire anyway. Well, you're friends, aren't you? You're two people that share a house together. Totally. And so I think it's better to be alone and to look for that relationship that's going to fulfill you on so many different levels than to be in a relationship just because you want to get married and have kids it's that's not a big enough reason you will get that but you'll get it you'll get to have it with someone who makes you feel like the goddamn princess you are yeah amen amen amen there you go give me question number two okay question two is oh this is i'm gonna preempt this guys and laura this is the hardest question i reckon we've had come in oh god I don't know if I'm ready for this and I really debated whether we should talk about

it because I I'm still don't know where I'm at with it but I want your opinion okay and I feel like she needs help so that's why we're doing it but also I guess sometimes questions don't have a right and wrong sometimes there's a massive gray to what the answer is so yeah you need to nut it out sometimes and just go through the motions so it might not have a clear-cut answer but let's see where we end up hey all right give me the question girlfriend okay i lived in the uk i met a guy we lived hours apart but it was this crazy intense emotional thing for other reasons 18 months later i came back home to australia we kept on talking every day he's told me he loved me and then six months later i ended up finding out that he was engaged with a baby i was devastated

and he just kept telling me that it's complicated it's complicated i told myself that i couldn't tell a woman who had a three month old that her fiance had been cheating on her for two years but really it was because I couldn't stand the idea of him not talking to me I went back to the UK for a quick trip I saw him again horrible thing to do I know four months later and I now have nothing to do with him it took a long time for me to get to this point I can't stop thinking if I should tell her I know they are getting married in June I get so angry about what he did and that he gets to live this happy life and get away with it if I tell her am I only doing it to spite him or should I do it for her before they get married so she doesn't marry him or at least so she goes

into the marriage knowing what he has done oh god I know this is so hard and I think like exactly like we just said I don't I actually don't think that this answer has a right or a wrong to it I think that there is so much gray in this I guess the only thing I really really think about this situation is it's it's not healthy for you to act out of spite so if your only motivation for telling her is because you hate him and you feel spiteful towards him it's not going to make you feel better ruining his life it's not going to absolve the pain and it's not going to satisfy you but at the same time do I think that he should get away with it no I think he's an arsehole and I think that he should feel hurt but does that mean that you should take that

hurt out on his wife which is the person who you're going to be inflicting most of the pain on um yeah just just rereading sort of what what she has said and she has said that she gets so angry thinking that he gets to live this happy life and get away with it so i think that there is a lot of anger and pain inside you which is warranted i think it's also you're finding it really hard because you were both in the same sort of situation yet you feel like you're the only one that's hurting because you don't think he's hurting you think that he still goes home to his baby and his fiance and he does but I don't think it's going to do you any good to ruin their life and I have gone back and forward on this because I have actually been in a very very similar

situation for those of you that have followed along you will know those of you that haven't I was in a relationship for two years with somebody that had a double life and he you know was setting up a life to marry both of us and when I found out, I was the one that found out and I made the decision to call the other woman to find her and let her know. I didn't do that easily but I knew that if I didn't, she would probably continue on in the relationship and they would get married. Now, she did leave him, we both left him but I do feel like that would have probably been a different ending if they had a newborn baby I don't think that if I don't think I would have done it to be honest I've been really trying to think about it and I would have just

hoped in myself that okay he's been an arsehole and he's messed up for the last two years but now he's got a baby and maybe they were his young playboy years I would just hope to god that he's in the new in a new journey in a new section of his life and he's going to dedicate that to his family because it's not fair to go and pull this woman's life apart when she's at home struggling enough as it is with a newborn but I don't say that lightly like there's no there's no right and wrong here it's just it's just the you've got to think of the reason you're doing it I think the fact that she has a child really throws a whole new spanner in the works for this and and like like we both said like there isn't a right and wrong to this you have been so grossly

wronged in this situation and you are totally entitled to be hurt and people act in all different ways when they're acting out of hurt. But I think because this woman has a baby and life with a three-month-old baby is really hard enough for some people and she may not cope very well at all if she also realises that everything that's happened in her life in the last two years is a lie. If he is a really bad guy and this is his behaviour and he does it again in the future, she will find out at some point does she need to find out right now i don't know i just i think that now maybe it isn't the best option to tell her and i think if you're only doing it out of spite it could cause a lot more pain to someone who's the who's the other innocent victim in this

i yeah i think you just need to ask yourself as well what do i have to gain by doing this like what will you gain except except feeling good that you've caused pain to him yeah but that's not i just don't think that's reason enough in this situation i'm gonna have to go with you live in different countries it's in the past he's about to get married and move on i would just be getting on with your life in australia cut him completely like never speak to him again don't look at his page again don't have anything to do with him even when you think about him don't even look don't look on instagram no contact yep and i think you both need to just get on with your life like laura said karma is a bitch and if he continues if he hasn't changed

he's going to do it again and it will come out but you don't need that weighing on you by doing that you're going to invite so much drama back into your life you're going to be sucked back into the vortex of talking to him of messaging it's going to all unravel for you so if you've gotten yourself like you said it's taken you a really long time to get to a place where you emotionally and mentally have distanced yourself from him don't throw yourself back into that den now like we said that we really don't feel like and i'm going to speak for you right now but i really don't feel like there is a right and wrong in this situation because this is a total moral dilemma there is so much gray but this is only the advice that we can say what we would do in this situation

and 100% there are going to be some of you out there listening right now that are going to disagree and you're going to say nah tell her that's also fine all we can do like Laura said is is talk it through ourselves um draw on situations we've been through in the past and then give you our opinion we 100% get that there'll be some of you out there that are going to disagree with this so this is just where we've arrived yeah hopefully that helps a little bit but this is a real pickle dickle for your girlfriend all right question number is that three we're at three already yeah so do you want another one smashing through yes give me question number three okay please don't make it as hard as that one because i that really was put me on the fence no this is a

different style one i'm really trying to vary the questions so this is not that hard trust me you can have another sip of your coffee um i have been dating somebody for two and a half years and i think he's the person i will marry the thing is his family drives me insane his mom is italian and both his mom and his dad try to control his life he's 26 and still lives at home his mom literally never wants him to leave the house in the past they have tried to control how often we see each other whose house we see each other at when he has to return home by i guess my question is how can I deal with this I encourage him to stand up to them and do what he wants but it is getting quite tiring what would you guys do in this situation oh there's not a lot you can do

to be honest it's straight straight up it's tricky any time a family is involved your family their family it's it's not straightforward different families have different approaches and some families are very very very ingrained and entrenched in their children's lives and your your partner look he's probably being a bit of a man child and probably enjoys the fact that he is also very taken care of i'm sure his mom does his cooking his cleaning his washing his everything you know i'm sure she still has a very maternal role in his life and so there's probably aspects of it that he quite likes to be honest who wouldn't i would love someone to come and cook and clean and wash for me like same same please someone just tuck me into bed and give me a kiss

couldn't i and one i'll do that tonight oh hello 100 it's like families families are hard italian families are a whole nother ball game because they're so passionate and they're so family oriented and they just they just want to be around each other for their whole life which i think is fantastic but there does come a time where he has to have a little bit of independence you can't be 26 years old and still have a curfew but the only person who can make that change is him and you can push push push push push all you want and tell him what you want him to do but he's the only person who's going to be able to have that conversation with his family he's the only person who can make that change so unfortunately in this situation there isn't a lot that you can do to control the

narrative or to control the conversation except tell him how you feel and hope that he respects you enough that he can sort of put some boundaries in place to protect your relationship the only thing I would add to that Laura is that I think you need to be really careful with how you have that chat because in these situations you you can sort of feel like you're walking on eggshells a little bit but it can be very tricky to get across your point that like you need to give me more time you need to tell them you know no you need to tell your family no and it's really tricky to do that in a way that doesn't drive a wedge that he doesn't feel like he has to pick his family or his partner so you can't go in being aggressive and like it's them or me you just need to talk to him saying you

know like I just want to spend more time with you and as 26 year olds like I don't want you to have to go home at 11 o'clock or I don't want to have to run every decision by your family yeah I just think that you just need to be careful with with not causing a rift and not driving a wedge between them so he feels like he needs to pick if this is the guy you want to marry one day then they're going to be your family as well, which, you know, you do have to be sensitive to, to them and be sensitive to the way that they parent. But I guess my, my biggest thing in this is that your partner, unfortunately, he can't pick and choose the bits of it that he likes. So if he, and I'm just guessing, but if he is still enjoying all the creature comforts of his mum being very mothering

and doing the cooking, the cleaning, the caretaking, if he's still enjoying all of that from living at home then he can't really say well I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do because well he's not behaving like an adult in other areas of his life so I guess for him to be able to communicate that he is an adult and that he you know wants to go out past 11 p.m and he wants to be able to do things that a normal 26 year old guy can do he also has to kind of act like a normal 26 year old guy in his own house and that would be the thing the hardest conversation to have because I really think as a child who still lives at home, you can't pick and choose the bits of the parenting that you like

and the bits that you don't like. You're under their roof, you're under their rules. Until he does move out and until he has that independence, then I think you are between a little bit of a rock and a hard place in this. Yeah, maybe if you guys feel ready, maybe have the conversation or broach the subject of moving in together and that's it. That's a tricky one but there's nothing else to do. It's too touchy between a family and a partner.

Would you, if you were dating someone and you, what would that be like? That was my question. If you were dating someone and they're like, you didn't get along with their parents, you found their parents really, really hard basket. What would you do? I would just try to limit my time there. But being from a family that's so close, I would understand that it's hard if they're really close to them, but I would just limit my time.

You don't have to be with your partner's family all the time. You could just do, I don't know, one dinner a week or one dinner a fortnight or whatever it is. But I think you, I would do everything I can to just to try and get along with the parents. Because if you're with them forever, that can be life changing. Like if your in-laws don't like you and you don't like them, it can ruin your whole life. I guess you don't want his mum to feel like you're stealing her son away. Like you don't want it to become you versus them. you want to be able to be part of that family and to feel like you're also included so i think this

conversation like we've said has to come from him and it has to be his initiative because if his family feels like you're the one pushing pushing pushing for this and he's not actually making any changes or standing up for himself then unfortunately that reflects badly on you be careful with that because you do want to have a really amazing relationship with your in-laws and that's it end of story shut up shop full stop goodbye everyone go home self-isolate love you k thanks bye ciao all right is that we're gonna end the episode or what do we got have we got any more that's all that's four don't be greedy okay save me some for next week yeah i'll save you some guys thank you to every single person who has written in questions for ask uncut if you have

any other life dilemmas that you want to throw our way sling them on in to at life uncut podcast slide on into our dms on instagram we've also set up a facebook page finally where we can start to have a bit of a community conversation if you guys want to jump onto our facebook page it's also life uncut podcast we're going to be throwing up bits and pieces about each episode you guys can chat to each other and amongst yourselves put some group discussions on also if you don't agree with some of the answers that we have to these questions we don't want to know about it we would actually love to know about it we'd love to know your opinions on this and whether or not you think that we've approached these questions in the right way i think also if sorry to cut you off there

laura no go go mad just on on that also if you've been in a situation we've talked about like maybe you have a family like that or your partner's family like that we want to know how you deal with it we want to know your we want to know your situations your real life situations because maybe you're listening to this being like oh well i wouldn't have done that i did it this way so jump on onto our facebook page because we would love to get that up and running guys also if you guys have any accidentally unfiltered stories for our main episode which is on the tuesday you know what that is that is just basically your most embarrassing story if you can think of the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you then please send us that and we will keep you

totally anonymous but we will laugh our asses off at you as well tuesday is the big juicy ep and We'll be back then. Until then, share the love because we love love. Can we talk five times? Oh, shit. Thank you.