Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Is Cheating Acceptable If It's For Spiritual Awakening?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark and your burning questions. How burning are they? When are we going to stop singing? Nah, never. I've told you. It's my new thing. Every Ask Uncut, I'm going to do it in a different way. Stay tuned for next week and we watch our listeners drop off that's not true everyone loved the singing from last week I had one message and I had no complaints I had so many messages from the video of you and I singing everyone was like Britney's so much better than Laura everyone like must have had five ten thousand it was it yeah you are a good singer maybe we should do it again we're not ain't

Starting point is 00:00:54 no mountain high enough do you want to give it a crack Keisha will absolutely edit all of this out like she's like banned us from singing on the podcast which I understand I truly do okay well let's kick off in our vibes and unsubscribe so that we can actually get to the thing that you're here for which is your questions I said at the beginning of the year you know how we were talking about like word of the year at the beginning of the year I said that my word for the year was efficiency like I wanted to put systems and processes in place that makes my life more efficient I do feel like from a work perspective this year I have put stuff into place one of the things this sounds silly but like one of the biggest things that have made my life more

Starting point is 00:01:31 efficient this year is that i've stopped drinking i know i talked about it in january and how i was like maybe i'm having a sober year you don't pass out as much anymore so you get more done when you're conscious but we're in march and i haven't passed out i have not had a single blackout this year give it up for laura she's been conscious all year no we're joking look i mean this is a tiny tangent i know we're meant to be doing vibes unsubscribes but genuinely not drinking this year has made me so much more efficient when I'm already super sleep deprived. And I remember being so, so effed when I was at this point with Lola, like just my, I hurt my bones from being tired and the not drinking, I think has made a massive, massive difference. That's not my vibe,

Starting point is 00:02:11 but it's like, I'm still continuing on the sober train. No, look, my vibe for this week is Claude AI. Now I know that there's some people who are a bit like fucking stop talking about AI, but look, we cannot deny that it is increasing we cannot deny that there are ways in which you can use it that's going to streamline your life and for me as someone who is running you know working on multiple businesses doing multiple different jobs there are so many ways in which this has streamlined my day-to-day and I'm going to be one of those people that they study in 40 years time where they're like oh her brain shrunk in size because she all she did was any thinking for herself but you're not drinking so at least it won't be from the alcohol it won't be rotten

Starting point is 00:02:50 They won't be fermented. No, the part of this that I want to recommend. So Claude AI is a co-working AI. It's kind of like how people have chat GPT, except it's that on steroids. Basically, you can use it, especially if you're someone who works in silo or works on your own autonomously, you can use it as a co-working buddy. You can also use it as a coder. And that's specifically what I want to recommend. So I went to a conference last week, which is all about this and how you can use AI to build websites how you can use it to add to your websites without having any coding understanding and last year I was quoted wait for it I was quoted a hundred thousand dollars to create an add-on for our Tony May website where it was like you know how you go onto some websites

Starting point is 00:03:37 and you're like I want to try on that ring with that ring and I want to stack them together you want to see what it looks like you do with glasses websites you can virtually try stuff on yeah so like those ones are a little bit less complicated because it's like you just have one photo and you can put the glasses onto your face what i wanted to build is could it's like a stacking ring stacker so like you could pick this stacking ring in this stacking ring and stack them together and see what the set looks like and you could pick all different ones from the website or the same thing with like if you're going to curate an earring charm look and you wanted to know which hoops to put which which huggies and see them on an ear and how they would look i used to do that with men

Starting point is 00:04:10 we'll just see who i'd look better with what was my husband was a husband stacker is that how you use claude ai yeah so okay i was quoted a hundred thousand dollars to create this functionality for the website anyway which is wild a year down the track claude exists and the way in which you can use it is you can speak to the co-working space and tell it what you want to create and it will spit out the code that you need to create that add-on so i'm currently building the product that I was told I would need to pay that much money to have. It's truly amazing. That probably sounds a little bit complex for some people, but a really basic way of going about this is like, you can use it. You can tell it what you want a website to look like. You can tell it everything that you

Starting point is 00:04:55 want that website to be, and it will spit out the code, but it will also spit out exactly how to do it. This is the website to go to. This is how to create your domain. This is, it's crazy how you don't need to know any of the technical language now you can just speak to this in layman's terms and it will literally tell you step by step like color by numbers how to do some really complex things online and it's been amazing this is a crazy thing right it's that it's like brilliant you saved yourself 100k then i just think of all the people that are out of a job now like all the people that have spent their whole life learning to code or to be fair they were never in a job because i never paid 100k but you know what i mean code is in general not that one person but

Starting point is 00:05:32 coders it's just one example right it's like you gain something from ai and a lot of people lose something simultaneously i disagree in that respect because people who are coders will always be the people who are coding the ai like they will just learn a new way in which yeah i mean don't die on the coding hill i just mean ai is as a general like it's in blanket statement people will lose work from ai i mean anthropic lost their military contract with the us last week i know well look at At least they have some morals, put it that way. Look, I mean, questionable. I guess my recommendation here is more so that if you are someone who works in silo,

Starting point is 00:06:08 if you're someone who runs a small business, I have found so many ways in which this has made my day-to-day more streamlined and I'm getting more done because of it. And it's really, I think, so motivating to have something, it's not a someone, but having something to be able to bounce off and to be able to help you prioritize what's important in your day. And that's what this does from a co-working space. Great. And yeah, it's been a new discovery for me and I'm now hyper fixated on it.

Starting point is 00:06:34 So great. Welcome to my brain. Okay. Well, my vibe, a little bit different. My vibe is an Instagram page and I didn't realize it was going to be my vibe until I realized I was already vibing it in real life. I was sending it to people. I was sending it to Keisha.

Starting point is 00:06:46 I sent it to my sister. I sent it to Ben. It was just a page that made me feel so, I didn't send it to you Laura because you don't open anything, but it was an Instagram page that was just so wholesome and made me feel so good and I couldn't stop watching it. What is it? It's called Rainbow Dads. They have 763,000 followers.

Starting point is 00:07:04 Pretty big people follow them, like Amy Schumer's following them, Ryan Murphy, which is funny. I don't know, that's random. But, like, they're a family that has two dads and one son. And the son almost runs the Instagram, but one of the gay dads is the feature. And I realize how this is sounding, but it's a comedy Instagram. It really holds them up. The son is always taking the piss of his parents about how gay they are

Starting point is 00:07:28 and can they be straighter? Now, I just want to show you it so you get the vibe. But to paint a picture, they're very masculine, burly-looking men. Oh, big men. Yeah. It's my gayest dad's birthday. Instead of trolling them, I'm going to give him some positive affirmation. Look at the birthday girl.

Starting point is 00:07:46 How old is she? How old do you think I am? 30. Ah, you think I'm young? Yes. I'm 45. Wow. You're a little bit bitty today.

Starting point is 00:07:58 Itty bitty. I just play that so you get the vibe but every you cannot scroll through like you're not going to take anything from this other than feeling good every single video that I scroll I just had a smile on my face and I was so invested in this family I don't know I don't know how to explain it and I don't know anything about them I don't know how the son was conceived I don't know if he was adopted I don't know if he was a donor I don't know anything about the family other than they are the most beautiful, wholesome, loving, hilarious family. And it's just my vibe. It's rainbow dance. I love it. Feel good. Keish, what's your vibe? My vibe this week is a meal

Starting point is 00:08:33 delivery service. It's called The Dinner Ladies. Now it started by two women that had a whole bunch of children and the backstory is quite lovely. You make it sound like it's a ballerina farm. They just had so many children. They make everything from scratch. No, essentially what they do is that they make homemade styled meals and you get them delivered to people so the reason that this is actually quite relevant for me last week and why I thought about vibing it is because very sadly one of my friends lost her mum and so this group of us friends all pitched in and got them like a week's worth of dinner ladies you know just to take care of them so they didn't have to worry about meals for a week yeah and so you can get different uh types you can order them obviously

Starting point is 00:09:15 for yourself if you're just really busy and you want to get the meals delivered but I think it's a particularly nice thing and it can be for really beautiful things too it can be like if your friend has a baby or if maybe they've come out of hospital or they're hungry yeah Brittany's starving so there's a couple of different options of like what types you can get how many people you can get it for and I just think it's really great I checked because I wasn't sure if this was like a Sydney centric thing it started in Sydney but they now deliver to sorry if you're not in these states victoria queensland south australia act and wa oh my god it looks delicious sorry northern territory you guys always miss out too far away don't you so yeah my vibe for the week is that

Starting point is 00:09:59 if you have a friend who is you know maybe just in need of some food i think it's a really kind thing that you can gift and the fact that you know they're nice meals if you don't if you're not a good cook yourself or if you don't have the time to make something and take it around that's what i always worry about like cooking for someone who's had a baby i was like no one wants my cooking. No, delivery service is way better. No one wants it. If I turned up with food for you that I'd cooked, you would put it in the bin the second I left. I'd be like, why do you hate me? I'd triple microwave it. What have I done to you? Dino nuggets. All right, let's get into your questions. That's a good one. Goodbye. Okay. Six years and he's never posted a pic of me.

Starting point is 00:10:36 Dump him. Oh, that's a joke. Do you want to hear the question? Nah, I'm done. That relationship seems like it's messed up. My boyfriend has never posted a photo of me and we've been together for six years he was previously married and our relationship started as an affair what he's probably still married yeah that's where your brain goes that's my first thought he also doesn't live at home with me six days out of seven i made that fit up no he hasn't posted to me we've been together six years the relationship started as an affair up until last year he had photos of his ex wife still on his social media and i eventually asked him to take them down because that really hurt me. He's honestly a great partner in every other way. There aren't any other obvious red

Starting point is 00:11:16 flags, but he has never posted me not one single time. And it really bothers me more than I'd like to admit. I think part of me worries that he might feel embarrassed about how our relationship began or that he doesn't want to publicly acknowledge it because of the history. I know it might sound trivial, but it doesn't feel trivial to me. I mean, six years is a long time to be someone's dirty secret that's a long time what do you mean well like I mean he's obviously people know that their relationship started from an affair like that's why she's like you know I think he feels embarrassed but six years is a long time to not exist in for him to not want to admit or not want to show that it's moved from being whatever the affair was to being an actual committed relationship

Starting point is 00:12:01 that you two are in and be able to say that publicly and without you know any sort of I guess guilt or embarrassment my thing though is when it comes to posting on social media my question is always does he post at all because if he hasn't posted in six years I'd be like well don't expect something of someone whose behavior hasn't changed you know like if he hasn't posted anything or he rarely posts and I don't think it's a big deal but I think he does just the way she said he never posts me not once he's obviously posting so if he's posting and he's been posting for six years and hasn't included you once. I understand why that's a problem. It's a red flag. And yes, it's not trivial. And actually, I actually think it's a way bigger statement because

Starting point is 00:12:40 our social media is supposed to be the highlight reel of the things that are important to us in our life, which is why you feel left out. Well, the thing is 10 years ago, it would have been trivial, right? You'd be like, oh my God, you didn't put a photo of me on that grid thing, on that social media thing. It's different now. Social media is such an integrated part of our life in everything. People use it as a CV for a job. People use it to look at people they're going to employ. People use it when they are celebrating their happiest moments. Exactly like you said, Laura, it's very much a highlight reel. I feel like there's a few reasons, right? You're either not a big enough part, which I don't believe. You've been with him for six years. So I don't

Starting point is 00:13:17 think that that's it. No one is staying with somebody for six years if they don't absolutely love them. But I think you've probably already hit the nail on the head. Maybe it feels like it's opening up a can of worms for him that he doesn't want to open because everybody knows it started as an affair I don't know and I don't know this years ago no I'm not making excuses I'm not but if it was out of those two right I'm gonna go with the second one he's been with you for six years the guy loves you but it does feel weird most people like where my brain goes if I'm being really honest the first thing I think of and I'm not saying this is happening but when somebody posts on social media but they choose not to post their partner in any capacity so not even like

Starting point is 00:13:59 it's not like you're in a family photo or a photo with friends or it doesn't have to be lovey-dovey declarations but if you have not been posted one time it's because people don't want other people to know that you exist so I do wonder it's like the illusion of being single the illusion of being single I do wonder if I don't even want to say it out loud but like it started as an affair is he still being a bit of a naughty boy does he want to put the illusion out that he's single because it's not this day and age when you're posting there's not many other reasons and you know he posts his partners in the past because you said he still had pictures of his wife a year ago I think it is a fair question to ask and I do think that that's probably why you start to feel insecure

Starting point is 00:14:39 and upset about it however this question doesn't actually give us all the information because you say here we've been together for six years he was previously married and our relationship started as an affair how long did the affair go for were you guys having a relationship for four years of that six years do you know being like how long was this affair yeah was it two weeks how long has he been separated from his wife for maybe you guys were having a five-year affair and they've been separated for one year we don't know that part of the information we're making assumptions in saying that he's been single for well not single but he's been not in a relationship with his wife for six years. Yeah, we don't know. I actually think now that I've read it again and

Starting point is 00:15:18 also the more that we start to unpack it, I actually think that there probably was way more overlap. I reckon she's saying to us we've been together for six years and I reckon the affair was before that. Well, look, I think that you have a right to feel upset. I think that you have a right to have a question with him. It seems as though he responded when you said that you had an issue with the photos of his ex-wife being on there. He responded by taking them down. How does he respond when you say, hey, you're always posting the rest of your life, but you never post me like what's his response to that yeah I don't think that that's an unfair question to ask your partner and you know I don't think you need to bring it up as though you're being

Starting point is 00:15:51 dramatic or you're being unreasonable but it is a question you know if he's actively posting on social media but actively choosing to hide you why is there a reason yeah I think he'd just be honest and say hey it hurts my feelings that you don't post me I don't think you need to ask why I think you can ask him to post you if it's important to you say can you post me like it's really important to me I've been in this situation before so I was dating I mean this is like the one ex that I talk about from time to time who really did a number on me so we did kind of like did like long distance for a year ish like we were on and off we weren't really officially together but we were like you know always in contact we were a situationship for a year and then we were

Starting point is 00:16:28 fully together for a year and in that year that we were together we'd been together for almost 10 months and I'd found out that he cheated on me a few times and all this stuff but he'd never ever posted me on social media if you looked at his social media you would have thought he was single completely single and it was only after i'd raised it with him so many times that he like begrudgingly put a photo up on me and it's because he was still cheating on me so like yeah he really wanted to appear single because it allowed him to get away with what it was that he was doing and it meant that there was no paper trail for people to be like hey i hooked up with your boyfriend i saw the photo of you in social media and tracked you down dude six years the guy can post you and

Starting point is 00:17:06 even if he doesn't he's not a prolific poster for relationships he can do you a solid and put one photo up like happy birthday photo for fuck's sake yeah for fuck's sake happy birthday no I hadn't been asking but also let us know how that one goes yeah that's a good aftermath and also I mean that's a poll there is it a red flag no it's not a poll it is a red flag we know the answer okay all right next question this question is wild it is wild but we're gonna go there anyway is cheating acceptable if it's for spiritual awakening this is a legitimate question I've been dating an amazing guy for five weeks. I've known him for eight months, early days, but the most emotionally mature relationship that I've ever experienced. He told me that he has these

Starting point is 00:17:51 spiritual growth weekend workshops coming up, which involve sexual energy, which he had booked months ago and didn't want them to come between our connection. He is always honest and transparent about everything with me and invites any questions I might have. I just said I'm supportive of his passion for this. After the first workshop, he reassured me that there was no sexual interactions. However, the next workshop is the amalgamation of all the learnings and the final part involves penetrative sex and that he has partnered up with his ex. Dear God. It wasn't possible for me to do it as I hadn't done the prep work. He strongly reiterated that he doesn't have any feelings towards her and he wants to pursue things with me i said i was uncomfortable and it triggered

Starting point is 00:18:42 jealousy and low self-worth in me not shocking i didn't explicitly say don't do this because it will hurt me and i don't know if i could stay with you but i thought i made my emotions clear i said if you feel you need to do this then do what feels right for you i regret that i said this so it happened he did it he could completely compartmentalize this act within the workshop and feels nothing for his ex and he was really looking forward to being with me intellectually i can understand the delineation between this and cheating but my nervous system does not i feel like i wasn't chosen and that my feelings weren't considered i ended it and we are both devastated i'm having second thoughts he was transparent and honest with me i didn't explicitly express

Starting point is 00:19:31 my boundaries. Is this something that I can overcome? Fucking get out. Run away. Run away. It's not that you weren't chosen. You didn't do the prep work. You couldn't be. This is fucking wild. This is wild. Okay. I actually might surprise myself with what I'm about to say. Say something. I'm just thinking. He didn't do anything wrong. I mean, by all accounts he says he booked it before he met you I'd be looking for the booking date the booking request I would want to know that it actually was booked before you even knew of each other it's an unusual thing for him to come and say to you like hey I really want to do this it's with my ex I still have to fuck her it's a spiritual awakening it was before you but I want to be with

Starting point is 00:20:14 you right like that's a bold move it's all my prep work I don't want it to go to waste all the prep we're putting in well I would love to know what that prep work is but it's a bold statement to come to you and say that having said that I think you also did the right thing by saying you do what feels good for you and you make that decision if you think it's okay that is an interesting thing to say because I guess you're gaining information in a way what's he going to do here what level of respect does he think is appropriate for this situation is he going to say do you know what I don't want to do that to you I'll cancel it I'll let my prep work slide or is he going to take it and run with it now I probably would have followed up with I don't want you to do it I would have

Starting point is 00:20:53 said that. I would have put my boundaries out and said, I don't want you to do it, but you do what you feel like you have to do. And then seeing where the decision went. So knowing all the information you've given to us, technically he booked it before he met you. He spoke to you about it. You sort of said, do what feels good. And he did what feels good, which was fucking his ex for a spiritual awakening. Now, if you two are really sad about not being together anymore, then I think that that's just a conversation. I think that you can go and say, okay, I probably wasn't as honest with you as I should have been. It was really upsetting for me to think that you still thought that was okay. Obviously what we think is okay in a relationship are two different

Starting point is 00:21:33 things. You two can totally still be together and work this out as long as he realizes that that is inappropriate and those awakenings either don't happen anymore or they happen with you. he needs to go to sleep but I don't think that this has to be the end of the relationship it would be very different if you were seeing each other he came to you and he said I want to have a sexual awakening with my ex but the I think the things in play here I'm giving him a bit of a get out of jail free card for this one once and I think the right thing to do for him would have been to be like you're fucking right I'm not going to do it I'm with you I'm committed but he didn't if you really think that there is something there have a conversation and just see what he

Starting point is 00:22:12 thinks is okay in a relationship does he want to continue having these awakenings with other people and is that a boundary you are not willing to accept and there's your answer but he might say oh my god I wish you told me that you know I had no idea you'd feel this way yeah but this is just a conversation and I agree with you but I actually think this is a cautionary tale now like I say this I don't think many people need to be cautioned from the sexual awakening no it's a cautionary tale and it's a cautionary tale around wanting to appear cool and calm and relaxed and like foregoing your boundaries because you don't want to upset the other person or and you've said here that this person is emotion it's the most emotionally mature relationship you've ever

Starting point is 00:22:52 been in and I think that what you're confusing is transparency with emotional maturity he's been very transparent around these things that he is doing he's not lying to you about them right which you're like oh there's value in that like at least he's being honest with me so i don't want to jeopardize this relationship by putting rules in place because then i might lose him so i'm gonna i'm gonna say i'm okay with it i'm gonna i'm gonna pussyfoot around this so that i don't upset him i don't try and control him because he's really emotionally mature he can compartmentalize sex and feelings and it's me that has to just deal with the aftermath you're trying to be too much of a cool girl in this situation in order to maintain the relationship or maintain I guess

Starting point is 00:23:35 being able to be at whatever level he is at don't do that no one should do that like it's okay that you don't want your partner to go and do sexual workshops without you and if you expressing that means that he pulls back from you this is not the relationship for you and I really why I say it's a cautionary tale is because and I'm so sorry that like we giggle and laugh like I'm laughing because I know a version of me in my 20s would have done this like I would have done this I remember and not to talk about that ex again I know why he's come up twice still traumatized I remember deeply considering opening up our relationship to have a non-monogamous relationship because I thought that maybe that would be the solution to his cheating if I allowed that to happen

Starting point is 00:24:18 because he had so many other things going on and he was really honest about it like we talked about it we talked it to death and I confused that with emotional maturity the fact that he was so transparent we talked about it all and anyway at the end of the day when I look back now I'm like I can't believe that for a second I even entertained the idea of having an open relationship because I know that that's not for me I know that's not what I want but I was so fearful of losing him and I think that it's great that he's doing this sort of like sexual exploration and he is quite happy to have these like non-monogamous experiences, but he needs to be with someone who is equally as open to having non-monogamous experiences. And if that's not you, don't lie to

Starting point is 00:24:59 yourself to try and fit a mold that he's at, because that's never going to work. It's always going to leave you feeling like your nervous system is in fight or flight. And you're always going to feel like there's this push and pull between, have I been cheated on or was he being honest and therefore I've compromised my boundaries? Well, I can't believe I'm going to say is, but I almost am team awakening here because he also did say to you that he told you about the workshops and said, I don't want this to come between our connection. There was room. He opened up a conversation for sure. And I don't know what he would have done with that conversation. We don't know that. If you said, yeah, I don't want you to go. I don't know if he would have said, well,

Starting point is 00:25:34 I'm going anywhere. I need someone to support me. Or he might've said loud and clear, I'll cancel it. I understand. So he did open the conversation up. The only place I think you went wrong was not being really honest like Laura said it's like you just need to spell it out and say I mean maybe it is for you right like maybe these awakenings are for you but you just want to be the person involved so you might be open to that sexual exploration but it's not that you want him to do it with somebody else obviously you need to put a little bit more time in to get whatever that prep is that they have to do together but he opened that conversation up and I think the conversation sounds like it still is open and all you have to do is be really honest

Starting point is 00:26:12 with him and hopefully you guys can meet somewhere halfway and I understand why at only five weeks into dating you didn't want to be yeah I understand why you're like no totally like you do you boo like I get it I get it but I do agree with Laura it is it's the wrong thing to do and he opened up to you on a platter we're always saying we want our partners to come to us and be more communicative and he was and you just unfortunately felt at that time that you couldn't truly express how you feel but I would be going in there girl I get it though like at the five-week point of dating where you probably are not like I mean I'm guessing at the five-week point of dating you probably weren't exclusive and so you probably didn't feel as though you had a right to ask him

Starting point is 00:26:51 not to do it yet you didn't feel like you had the right to say this and now it's left you crushed it's left you feeling as though you've been cheated on and you probably feel complicit in this cheating because you didn't voice how you actually felt so it's this confusion around well had I said it and had I expressed my boundaries I wouldn't be sitting here blaming myself for the fact that now I can't handle that he went and did the thing that I said I was cool with right like you were never actually okay with this and I think we need to be better at accepting and going okay even if it's week five even if I've just started dating you if you tell me that you're after a polyamorous experience or you want to go and see your ex or whatever it is

Starting point is 00:27:31 and I'm not okay with that. And it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. And I know I'm not going to be able to overcome it. I'm not going to control you, but I'm going to express to you how I feel so you can make a considered choice. And the only other example I have of this is when I first started dating Matt, so straight after the show had finished, one of his exes got into contact with him. I'm talking like days after the show had finished. So it wasn't like we had any history at that point in time. One of his exes got in touch with him and basically was like, you know, if you ever want to catch up, if you ever want to spend time together, like, you know, I want to see you. And he told me, he told me straight away. And I, my response was, I mean, you do whatever feels

Starting point is 00:28:15 right for you. I didn't tell him I wasn't happy about it. I played the cool girl. And then I went to bed that night, riddled with anxiety, like riddled with the fact that he's now texting his ex of whatever you want to, however you want to describe her. And I woke up the next day and I was like, you know what? I'm going to approach this differently because that was my first big relationship after the one that I had just, you know, potentially compromised my boundaries by doing a fucking open relationship. God knows what I was doing. And I said to Matt the next day, I was like, Hey, I had to think about the messages that you told me about. And I just want to let you know that I'm actually really not okay if you want to spend time with her. And if that does happen,

Starting point is 00:28:55 like I'll be out and he was like thank fuck you care he was like I was actually so shocked by the fact that you seemed so nonchalant by it the fact that you were so like like oh yeah do whatever you want he's like I actually care that you cared that's also not necessarily normal response like there's not not everyone's going to respond in Matt's way like some people are going to be appreciative of their partner being like you do you boo and some people are going to be like oh fight for me you know absolutely not I know that everyone's going to answer differently but you know what, at that point in time, I was willing to take the risk of not being in a relationship with Matt because I was like, I'm not doing this again. I'm not going to ignore this feeling that's

Starting point is 00:29:31 telling me that I'm not actually not okay with this and just be like, you just choose whatever's right for you. And so it was important for me to voice that. And it ended in actually our relationship being stronger. Yeah. And the other thing is it's okay to change your mind. It's okay to be okay with something and then decide you're not. So even if you were saying, yeah, you can go and do this with other people, you can be in an open relationship. Then when it happens, you're like oh didn't realize how I'd feel I don't like it so it's okay to then change it you can have that conversation too hey I thought I'd be okay with that and I realized when you did it that I wasn't so I know that moving forward I won't be able to is it still something you want to talk

Starting point is 00:30:05 about like do you still want to talk about being in a relationship but I think that that's I mean the big question here is you said can I overcome it and that's the question you need to sit down with him and be like look this is how it did make me feel is this something that you want to continue to explore or is this a compromise like will you want to have a closed relationship with me or do you want an open one yeah and let him answer that and whatever the answer is is going to define whether or not you can overcome this okay which toilet to use with kids curious to know where people are at with the following scenario a parent on their own taking their child or children of the opposite gender to the toilets public toilets or at a venue etc when there may not be gender

Starting point is 00:30:44 neutral options available whether that be because there isn't one or it's occupied or the child is absolutely desperate whatever it is. Do they take their child to inverted commas correct toilet? Do they wait outside or do they take them to the adult's correct toilet? At what age would people consider this no longer appropriate? Different answers to these questions based on if the adult is male or female. As a second point do people think using the disabled toilets for the same above reason, like if something is busy, do we think that that is okay? Obviously these are rightfully meant for those that require the extra accessibility. So I'm unsure if it feels wrong to occupy it, even when the purpose is to keep children safe. This is such a hard question.

Starting point is 00:31:25 And actually we kind of like tossed it around with Ness, our video editor, who's also a mom, because I don't think that there is a right or wrong way to navigate this. The reason why I say it's a really hard one to answer is because and something that I'm realizing now again because I have a baby is that so many of the disabled toilets couple as the parents room because they're the only toilet that the venue has put the change table in so then I'm left with a baby being like I want to change her but I'm not going to do it on a basin I also don't want to occupy the disabled toilet but they've put the freaking change table in the disabled toilet so I think I think in those instances when a venue has specifically made it a dual occupancy room like

Starting point is 00:32:10 so when it's a dual occupancy it's a disabled toilets but also it is a baby change and it is a parent's room I think that they're the instances where you almost can't avoid it but when it comes to taking your kids into different bathrooms I understand why it's consideration and it's one that Matt and I have had quite a few times I am always the one to take the girls to the women's toilet I personally don't want our girls going into a men's bathroom and watching some random dude urinate in a stall like I don't want them or in a urinal like no and also notoriously men's bathrooms are way filthier than the girls bathrooms so I'm always the one that takes the girls but I asked Ness and I was like what do you do if you're in a situation where you know I'm not with them

Starting point is 00:32:52 they're at the park and it's like the girls with Matt and I was like what would you think is acceptable. And I would love to throw this out to everyone and kind of gauge what people's feedback is to this. What we've kind of settled on is that it's okay for a dad to go into the women's bathroom so long as they have announced that they're a girl dad and they stay near the door. So it's like, girl dad here, just helping my daughter. Well, no, you knock. Yeah. I think where we got to after a discussion with everyone was like, you knock first to announce you're coming in is anyone in there you know I'm a girl dad that I want to come in is it okay you also have to have a child with you if you're a dad you can't just say I'm a girl dad just come in there

Starting point is 00:33:32 and stand in there as a man no but it's like a knock and an announcement to see who's in there and if it's okay and then I don't know it's really hard because I think it depends on the situation and the venue and the location the way the cubicles are set up like I think there's a lot of involvement but I guess I would rather that the dad knocking announcing checking letting the girl the daughter go in staying near the door but obviously they might not be big enough that he can let them go and he might have to go in with them as well I would prefer that than my small daughter going into the men's bathroom it's really quite challenging because like I mean think about it from the opposite angle if you walked into a women's toilet and there was a dad in a cubicle

Starting point is 00:34:18 or a man in a cubicle with a little girl your instant thought would not be oh that's someone's dad who's just taken my instant thought would be i'm about to fucking kill this man do you know what i mean like so it's really hard so what is the dad then meant to stand there with the door open i have struggled with this a lot and like i don't have a clear-cut answer because i know the answer isn't we should use the disabled toilets i know that that is unfair on anyone who has a disability but this is a really hard thing to navigate if you have children of the opposite gender and it's why I guess for us most the time to be perfectly honest especially when the kids were littler if our kids needed to go to a toilet and it wasn't a number two it was a bushway it was

Starting point is 00:34:57 Matt taking the girls down and peeing behind a bush rather than taking them into the men's toilets if you're not doing that on the side of the road now it's not not the street and now you're not doing it at a you know you're not doing it the cinemas you're not doing it in a venue but the thing that's harder now is like Marley's older. We're not outside doing bushweeds with her. So it's definitely a consideration. I guess the big one is, is at what age does that change? And I'm not at the age yet where I feel comfortable for any of my kids to go to the bathroom on their own. I don't let Marley or Lola go to any public toilet on their own, whether it's regardless of gender. So, and it doesn't matter where we are. I will always take them because I always, I'm

Starting point is 00:35:34 worried about who else might be in there. So I'm definitely not at the age where I can give the advice of saying like oh I think that that's the age where it's fine I think it's dependent on the kid totally and it's hard because I don't have kids so I'm not facing that but I would be alarmed if I walked into the women's toilet and there was a man standing in the cubicle like you are going to be alarmed but the fact of the matter is there are plenty of dads out there that are just trying to take the kid to the toilet like to the toilet and don't get me wrong when when so I kind of want to preface the way that we're saying this because we discussed it before we got on here to record it And it was Ness who was like, I would be so fine with that.

Starting point is 00:36:09 And I think as parents, we would be okay with it. But I wonder if you weren't a parent, like for you, Brit, for example, like you're not a parent yet. For you, would you feel like it was more of an intrusion having a guy walk into the women's bathroom? And I say this because obviously the women's bathrooms are all cubicles. So there is privacy. There is innate privacy inside a women's toilet, right?

Starting point is 00:36:30 Like you can go into the toilet, then you go into a cubicle. No one's peeing with the door open. but would you feel like it was an intrusion on your privacy to have a man in that area at all yeah I personally do and I always think that this is just my personal preference you know sometimes venues now just have unisex bathrooms fine you know it like you go in and it's on the door so you know that it's a unisex you expect it but it's always a little disarming for me when I walk out and there's a man there like I don't know I feel like when I'm so used to because in our generation we grew up where we didn't really have unisex bathrooms right you had the men's and

Starting point is 00:37:02 the women's and I always find it that second when you walk out and you see the man there and it happened the other day at a work event where I was and I was like oh my god I didn't remember that this was unisex for a second I walked out and saw the man there and it took me back for a little hot second but at the end of the day what does a dad do when he's he does really need to go to the toilet and he doesn't feel comfortable to take them into the men's because you don't want your daughter around 10 other men with their penises out we and you don't want your daughter in that environment so like he doesn't really have many options right the option is for the safest option there is to take her into and let's be real like so many people are just dads

Starting point is 00:37:38 in us and dads that want to let their child we I understand that unfortunately there are creeps out there too yeah I would love to put this question out there because I don't think I have a clear cut answer for this like what are people doing what are we doing what is the solution what is the correct way to navigate this if you are at a venue that doesn't have a designated parents room there is a disabled toilet that's coupling as a parent's room because it's got the change table in it there is a women's bathroom and a men's bathroom what are we using what is the correct and the right way of going about it and if everyone is dealing with this same questions or these same stresses surely there should be some more legislation around the necessity to have a

Starting point is 00:38:18 parent's room to make people's abilities to navigate this a little bit easier because no one should suffer in this equation like certainly people who have disabilities shouldn't be the one suffering in this equation. It shouldn't be kids who are being exposed to things that they shouldn't be exposed to suffering. Like, and it shouldn't be women who feel as though they should and are entitled to privacy who are also in the receiving end of having a guy in their space. Like there needs to be a better solution to this. So I would love to know if you were a parent and you have some more children, how do you navigate this? And what do you see to be the correct way? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't

Starting point is 00:38:52 know. I don't know what I'm doing. Last question. Have I made the right decision? I recently ended my relationship. We were together for eight months. We had so much fun in that time. We went overseas together. It was great. Things had been a bit rocky on and off, but overall, I have no complaints. He was all the things that I look for in a guy. He respected me. He made me laugh, plus so many other great qualities. I'm not sure if I was completely happy, but I'm aware that I do have to create my own happiness. Have I just been jeopardizing our relationship to prevent myself from being happy by not picking? I'm sad now every time I think of our time together and I look back through photos. How do I know if I've made the right decision to break up with him? I would love

Starting point is 00:39:33 your advice and opinion on this. It's been one month since the breakup and I'm still really sad. Oh, it's so hard to know. It's so hard to know. No, not for me. You think she's made the wrong decision or you think she- I think she made the wrong decision. From the information that I've garnered, which is only what she gave me which is four lines oh well I just think I sometimes I think we get sucked into the vortex of is the grass always greener but you just said he's literally so great he respected me he's everything I want he made me laugh plus so many other great qualities

Starting point is 00:40:02 you also said I don't think I was happy I'm not sure yes I'm not sure if I was completely happy but I wonder and I challenge if you were not completely happy with him or where you were at in life maybe you wanted to be traveling more maybe you're not happy in your job he does sound so wonderful maybe you didn't quite get to the bottom of what it was in your life that wasn't bringing you that happiness and I say that because you said only good things about him you sound a bit confused about the happiness part and then you said you've really missed him and you're looking back at photos and you can't stop thinking about it so I do just wonder if maybe that unease that you were feeling could have been coming from another aspect of your life I think that this is

Starting point is 00:40:42 based on your personality type and I say this because if you really genuinely missed him like if you actually were like oh my god I made the wrong decision you would know that feeling would be a stronger feeling than like I don't know I think it's actually quite natural to go through a breakup especially when the person is you know objectively a great guy like you the friends like him like you know you don't have anything to be like oh he cheated on me or he did this thing wrong. Like it's okay to break up with people who are great people because they're not the person for you. And it doesn't mean that you'll never have moments where you question, did I make the right decision? Actually, in fact, you probably question it more because of the fact that they

Starting point is 00:41:23 were a great person. The reason why I kind of feel a bit conflicted about this is because I don't think that you should rush back to trying to be with him because you may not have made the wrong decision. And then you're just going to hurt him twice, right? You're going to get back there to be like oh actually I did feel like this funny because I'd say I'd say go back no so I we never disagree yeah I well because I think we've had different experiences and because we're different types of people the reason why and look this does come from very personal experience for me I did this exact thing I went through a breakup with someone who I'd been with for a couple of years we lived together we had all the ingredients for it being a long-term relationship I think he

Starting point is 00:42:03 thought that we were going to end up getting married and being together and I broke up with him. And then about a month later, because I was feeling lonely, I started to have those thoughts of like, am I going to meet someone else? Oh my God, actually, he's a really good guy. What the fuck am I doing? And then we got back together. And then a month later I was like, oh no, that's those, those feelings are real. Yes. He's a great guy. Yes. All those things are true. And then I had to break up with him again, which was mean. It was cruel. What I did to him was cruel. That was cruel. I disagree. I disagree. If you do not know, like you guys were only together for eight months, right? It's not shocking that you don't know either way. It's not shocking that

Starting point is 00:42:41 you're leaving being like, oh, should I have left? Did I do the right thing? Did I really want to be without him? I think those feelings are fine. I also think relationships are not clear cut and more often than not, they're confusing as fuck. And it's very rare that a relationship is easy and is a clean breakup and feelings are not hurt and feelings are clear and what you want is clear and direction that's so unusual it is very normal in my eyes and in my beliefs to go back to somebody if you're unsure like think of how many people divorce and get back to get together break up and get back together I'm not calling it healthy I'm I'm not I'm not calling it healthy it's not but it's like it's a imagine if everyone in life could make a

Starting point is 00:43:24 decision and be happy with it and move on peacefully it just doesn't work like that and I I think in this case, though, he hasn't cheated. He hasn't done anything. You're confused. I think there is nothing wrong with going back and saying that, saying, hey, how do you feel about this? Have you been happier without me? I'm trying to work through my feelings.

Starting point is 00:43:40 I miss you a lot. But do you think we're good? Like, there's nothing wrong with having those conversations and trying again. And if it doesn't work out, there's a billion other people. It's not the end of the world. No, I understand that. But what I think is you probably just need to give yourself a little bit more time. It's been one month.

Starting point is 00:43:54 And one month after a breakup is literally the absolute pinnacle of when you start feeling the loneliest, you start reminiscing, you start thinking all of the things that maybe you thought when you're in the relationship, maybe they weren't that bad, or maybe like you could make compromises because it's the time where the novelty of the breakup is worn off, right? Like you're now just back to being single and like the realities of that sets in. I don't think that it is a kind thing to do to run back when you're still unsure. Like she is still unsure.

Starting point is 00:44:24 she says I don't know I think right now give yourself another month give it another four weeks I think there's only one way to know for sure yeah but but my worry with that is is you're only thinking about yourself and if he's been really hurt by this and then you come back still being unsure going I don't know how I feel but and you're not saying that you're not being honest because you're like I would say that that's that was my advice I said go back and say hey I don't know how I feel I really miss you like how do you but that's so it's actually very mature no it's confusing as fuck for the other person because it is confusing that's my whole point relationships are so confusing it's not the end of the world guys you're together eight months you're not

Starting point is 00:45:01 going back and you don't have kids and stuff like I don't know I Laura and I very rarely disagree on this but I think there's you've got nothing to lose by going back and seeing if there really was something there and sometimes it takes losing something to realize what you got and I hate saying that but it's so true I agree with that but I think if you realize what you've lost I think you come back with certainty. I don't think you come back in ambiguity a second time. She's not certain. She won't be certain.

Starting point is 00:45:25 That's what I'm saying. Like I think now and looking back on my relationships, I do think that we have a responsibility to not just dispose or use people when we're not sure about how we feel. If you're already unsure, if you've already been through the breakup because you didn't know if that was what you wanted and one month later you're saying, I miss him, but I'm unsure. I think give yourself a little bit more time to feel a little bit more certain. See if that works out. if you are still feeling unsure in a few weeks time but I think running back after four weeks

Starting point is 00:45:54 that's not necessarily a reflection of missing the relationship that could be just a reflection of you feeling lonely work through that first before someone else's feelings become collateral damage and I say this because imagine put yourself in the position of like your past with your most recent ex imagine that feeling of being broken up with you were fucking devastated and then four weeks later him being like I just I'm not I'm not sure I'm not sure giving you all this hope that maybe you'd be back together and then fucking off again two weeks later because actually they realized oh no I was sure I would have felt better because I would have thought oh we we actually really did try and it's not right but like the feeling of leaving something because she wasn't

Starting point is 00:46:36 even sure she wanted to break up with him she's like I didn't know I wasn't happy and I thought maybe we'll break up I just think we're overthinking this one if you were married with kids and you've been together for a really long time and there was more involved you guys dated for eight months you're and now you're like oh fuck maybe like you're still knowing each other right if you're having those feelings I don't think it's using someone as collateral damage like of course people are going to be hurt in a breakup but going back when you think you may have made a mistake I this is where I say be careful and this is where I say be honest I don't think you go back and say I made a mistake like we're back I don't think you do that I think you'd be really honest and checking

Starting point is 00:47:11 with how they're feeling so I'm really confused like I want to be honest with you you are so amazing and we had such a good time something felt amiss with me because it was she's like I just I get that but I just think it's so I just can't think of anything more infuriating than being broken up with and then having someone come back and be like I'm confused I still don't know if I want to be with you not but I just want to talk to you because I have feelings and my feelings and I'm lonely and so they're an adult conversation that is a normal adult conversation do you know how many people I know that got married after breaking up like they were together and broke up and they get back together and they've had a beautiful relationship totally but these are just

Starting point is 00:47:50 young people working it out but we don't know how old they are we've got no idea and I think it's remiss of us to just say it's eight months like you were moving overseas to be with another person at eight months you know like eight months in a relationship four months yeah eight months in a Relationship can be really significant. I just think that when you come back to relationships after breakups, you usually come back with more certainty. And I think all I'm saying is I'm not saying you can't go back together, but I'm saying, give yourself some time to just figure out whether your uncertainty comes from loneliness or because you actually are missing him. And that is not just the second you feel like you miss someone sending them a message, because I think that we can be

Starting point is 00:48:27 very selfish with our feelings and cause a lot of hurt because of our uncertainty. That's all I'm And the only thing I'd say on top of that is I don't think, I think she has thought about it and she hasn't been selfish. She hasn't messaged him. She's called us. She's messaged, she's called us. She's gotten the blower. She's thought about this to the point of, it doesn't sound like she's selfishly throwing

Starting point is 00:48:43 those things out to him at all because she's messaged us to say, what do you think of this situation before she goes in? Which I think is great. But like, we can't tell you, we don't know your relationship. Obviously Laura and I feel differently about it. I say, hey, fucking, he sounds like a great guy and you still sounds confused. So go work it out. Laura thinks you should spend more time so whatever you think you want to do only you know

Starting point is 00:49:06 but please aftermath this one yeah I would love to know what the aftermath is for this and like I mean you know we do normally agree and it's not that I don't see the point that you're making I just I don't know I think that sometimes we prioritize our own feelings over how we make other people feel and if you're not sure and you're really not sure just make sure that you're not causing him more hurt because you're trying to figure it out for yourself that's all consider I'm joking. All right, well, guys, that is it from us. Please keep your questions coming in as per usual

Starting point is 00:49:36 and your Ask Uncut and your Accent Unfiltered and your Aftermaths. You know the drill. We want to hear it all. Just send it in to Life Uncut Podcast on Instagram. And also, if you haven't already, go to the Life Uncut discussion group on Facebook because that is where all the spicer stuff goes down.

Starting point is 00:49:49 And you know the drill. Show your mom, show your dad, show your dog, show your friends and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Is Cheating Acceptable If It's For Spiritual Awakening?

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