Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Is it an ick, or is it your unconscious bias?

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Hey Lifers, Laura should be on her honey moon and Producer Keeshia is in the hot seat today! First up, we unpack Lewis Capaldi's performance at Glastonbury. A moment of kindness from the crowd. A huge step in the right direction of visibility of disability. But is some of the commentary around what happened patronising? We discuss. Vibes and unsubscribes for the week: Vibe- (courtesy of Jo from Beauty IQ). When you're going on a flight with someone else, pack a change of clothes in each other's bag incase your bag gets lost on the way. At least then you've got a change of clothes. Unsubscribe- apple air tags are too expensive for the basic device that they are and you absolutely should not be strapping them to your kid Then we unpack your questions. If a relationship cannot survive a 6 month stint of long distance, is it the right relationship at all?  Should I be concerned if my new partner tells me he experimented with his sexuality when he was younger but claims he has sorted it out and is now into women? Note: I am not attracted to bisexual people and it puts me off a bit. Is it weird to want to organise your own hens? I have bridesmaids, who I love and can’t wait to do all the wedding things together and party, but I also want to be in control of what we do. Am I a control freak or is it ok to do my own? If you have a question, or an ask uncut aftermath, send it in to our InstagramYou can join the facebook group here and follow us on tiktokTell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xx  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I am producer Keisha, filling in for Britt, who has gone on our break. We should be on holidays, Laura. Brittany is having the holiday that we were supposed to have, but we are here because

someone's got to hold the fort down. Is that what it is? A hold it up. Who knows what we're doing? Yeah, we are going away this week, though. I'm going away on my honeymoon for five days, but I'm also taking the kids, so it's technically not a honeymoon. It's just a holiday.

I'm also taking my sister and her husband because it's her 40th birthday, and we decided to kind of join the two things together. We were like, we can't do two holidays. I love how you say we because I know your family. We actually had Marley May's birthday party on the weekend and I was talking to Keisha. I was talking to her about it and she was like, yeah, no, Laura kind of positioned it to me like we should go on a holiday

to celebrate your 40th and then I found out it was her honeymoon. Do you know what I think? The more the merrier. But I'm sure Matt would like to be having a lot of sex on this holiday and the vibes I'm getting from the amount of people that are staying in our one room is that not much is happening. Wait, you're all in the one room? We're all in the one house.

Oh. So different bits. Like they've got their own room, but like it's, you know, we're all together, one big happy family. That could end up working out because like you could kind of take it in tag team looking after the kids, but yeah. I don't want to take care of four kids on my holiday. You kind of got to give and take with that one.

And Keish is heading off next week. She's actually heading off on the weekend on her very first overseas holiday with her new boyfriend. Toblerone. Yes. I'm going to Europe. So this actually kind of happened a little bit by coincidence. And I know that people would say that if they were trying to defend the fact that they were in a brand new relationship and already going on an overseas holiday together. But I had said the whole year

that I wanted to go to Europe to celebrate my 30th birthday. But I had to do it when we had time off of, you know, when you guys had a break from the radio. Because we can't be left to do podcasting by ourselves without Keisha's constant guidance is basically the reality of it. Thank you, that validates me. That makes me feel quite wanted. As it turns out, he had the exact same two weeks off. He had planned on going to Europe as well. And so it kind of got to the point where I was like, well, why don't we just hang out over there? And then we just bought tickets together and now we're doing everything together. Okay. What point did you guys, so how long have you been boyfriend and girlfriend for? I don't know. Like not long, less than three months.

On a European holiday. I spoke about it on the podcast as it was happening. Like usually when things happen in our personal life we give it a bit of breathing room no no no straight in the deep end you're going to be talked about publicly so he responded well to it though he booked a holiday yeah I mean some might think that this is very quick yeah others might think it's the perfect speed it's a holiday what could possibly go wrong look I don't disagree with the fact it's happening very quickly but I feel like I said from the start it's the calmest and least anxious I've ever felt at the start of a relationship which I think is a really really good sign and I think it's a sign of personal growth because previously I was really attracted

to the drama and I was really attracted to the like what I used to call butterflies it turns out that was actually anxiety it's actually anxiety because a lot of them weren't the best people I also love how many people would be listening to this and being like yeah I've been there as well girl yeah you gotta you gotta admit it you gotta admit it to yourself first when you're like I am attracted to some pretty toxic behaviors and then you get into a seemingly normal and healthy relationship and you're like oh this is what it's meant to feel like this is normal which if you haven't done the self-work you would think was just boring well I had actually genuinely thought a lot of people had said to me like when it's the right one and I'm not saying that this

necessarily is but you know you know they say when it's the right one it'll feel so calm and it will be so easy and I was like yeah I mean that's nice for you to say but I personally feel as though I have literally worked for absolutely everything that I've got in my life like I feel as though I've kind of had to jump some hurdles to get whatever I've wanted in my career my education like whatever it might be it wouldn't be a surprise to me that I would also have to work a little bit for a relationship that was a good one what some of you guys might not know is like when Keisha actually joined our team and became the producer of Life Uncut Keisha was a listener and she emailed us out of nowhere and was like hey I know that Laura you're going to be having a baby soon I've

been listening to the pod and I was pregnant with Lola and at the time I was doing all the editing for the episodes and Keisha was basically just like I will help you let me be a part of this and then nobody replied to her straight away because we were too busy and then she wrote another email and then another email and I was like persistence really does pay off and then obviously we the rest is history we met and she's amazing but I can absolutely attest to the fact that you are somebody who really goes after what you want in life. I was encouraged by a friend to be that way and I really appreciate that she did that because it wasn't like in my personality type to kind of keep persisting like I was like I don't want to annoy them you know blah blah but

it did work out for me and also I struck while the iron was hot and I was like hey I know that like there are people who can edit podcast there's a bunch of people who can edit podcasts but I have a lot of similarities with you guys I'm also slightly insane and I reckon we'll get along great and you're like I can be a dog sitter all the things that you do that are extras yeah now I'm coming on your honeymoon um Laura I actually did something really fucking stupid have you ever ruined a tv show for someone without meaning to like I know some people deliberately drop spoilers and they kind of act like assholes this was an accidental one but have you ever done it I can't like nothing comes to mind like I don't think I've intentionally ever

done it I'm sure I've done it with Matt many a times where I've been like oh my god did you see this and he's like what the fuck is wrong with you so I did it really really badly for one of our life as the other day. So I was messaging a girl named Molly on the Life Uncut Instagram. She might not have actually known that it was me that she was messaging because that can be any of us. And we were talking about anxiety and then she kind of led into something and the last bit of her message said, maybe watching too much true crime and Blacklist. Blacklist is a show on Netflix. It's got eight seasons of the show, right? And there's like 20 something episodes per season so there's a lot of content in my family it's the one show that every single one

of us watch so we text about it in the group chat whenever new episodes are out and we kind of discuss it and one of the characters in the show it's a little bit of a like who are they really scenario and that plays out over the entire course of the show and I naively assume that because she'd mentioned it she must know the answer she was up to date oh dear so I sent a message and I said can I ask because I fight about this with my family do you think x character I'm not gonna give it I'm not gonna do it to more people listening to the podcast now this is how got cancelled do you think character x is y and I said I fight about this with my family this is what my brother thinks this is what my sister-in-law thinks blah blah blah blah she's

written back she's like uh you're actually probably way ahead of me I'm only in season one but I can ask my mum because she's up to date bless I'm so sorry Molly I really fucked it for you I've just ruined another seven seasons of content for you do you think she's gonna like want to watch it now or do you think that that's it done is there any point if you know the ending well I mean to be fair you don't know the ending you don't necessarily but you've got a big hint as to what I think the character is or who I think the character is. I think that there's a lesson that we can all learn in this

and that it's never assumed because it makes an arse of you and me. Yeah, I'm really bad for that. It's ruined. Genuinely, I don't know how many hundreds of hours of content I've just ruined for you. We are going to answer some pretty – actually, I really love today's questions for Ask Uncut. Anyone who's written in a question, thank you.

We have three, maybe four. Who knows what we've got time for? really good questions before we get into that I wanted to bring up something which was I think such a feel-good article that's been going around a feel-good moment if you will and that is to do with Lewis Capaldi I'm sure Brit will be so jealous because she is truly obsessed with this man and it's to do with his performance at the Glastonbury Festival on last weekend you may be across this but Lewis Capaldi he has taken some time off recently off performing because he has and suffers with Tourette's syndrome now he also was taking time off for his own mental health

that he made the commitment that he was going to come back and perform at Glastonbury he did that on the weekend and halfway through his performance he stopped and said everyone I'm losing my voice a little bit here and by that what actually was happening was that his tics were becoming too profound for him to be able to mask them and to stop them from coming out he asked the audience to support him and to like sing the songs as loudly as they possibly could to sing along with him and it was this really beautiful moment of almost like camaraderie of the audience this entire huge stadium lifting him up see I didn't know that he had asked I didn't see in the video that he had asked them to sing so I thought I mean Lewis has been really open about his Tourette's

he's done a Netflix documentary I know I also listened to an episode of him on the podcast The Diary of a CEO where he was really I know this word gets thrown around so much but very candid about it he kind of just was like hey this is what it is and it scares the shit out of me that this is going to get worse as I get older. He's only like 26 years old. Like he's quite young to be at the level that he is at of stardom. I didn't realise he had indicated to the crowd that that's what was going on. I thought that they just, you know, everyone kind of knows about this.

If you're watching Lewis Capaldi perform, you've probably either seen the documentary or heard about it at least. So I thought the crowd kind of just like, hey, we know what's going on. Let us be a part of this and let us like lift you. So what he said was, I'm going to be honest, everybody, but I'm starting to lose my voice up here, but we're going to keep on going and we're going to go into the end. I just need you all to sing with me as loud as you can, if that's okay. And I just think, honestly, sometimes I get on here and I have a rant, but I just thought this

was such a beautiful moment. And one of the things I loved about this, now there's other parts we're going to unpack in a second, but one of the things I loved about this is that for me growing up, and I think when I was in my early twenties, the only reference I had to Tourette's syndrome at the time. The very first time it ever came into my understanding and my psyche was off the back of Juice Bigelow. I don't know if you guys even remember that movie. It was a complete comedy skit. One of the characters in the movie had Tourette's and it was making fun of the condition. And I think that was the very first time that I knew it even existed. I knew what tics were, but I didn't know that there was this actual name for having Tourette's. Now to see someone who

is so incredible and who is so accomplished and is so widely loved being able to stand up there on stage and say this is me and even though he was in a period of bad mental health and he was taking time off because his tics were becoming more profound and they have been impacting his ability to perform he still was like I'm gonna do this and wasn't able to make it through the entire show without that becoming present and instead of him walking off or making an excuse or not you know actualizing it head-on he was able to really address that and I think it really reflects just how much platforming people who have neurodivergences and representation is becoming way more visible. I think they do say that tics for people who suffer with Tourette's they get a

lot more severe when you're in periods of like high anxiety or excitement or basically anything that would be to do with performing. It actually makes me question how much was he struggling before the whole world knew about this like I know that they can go up and down with the severity of them but he's been performing for years and I wonder how long he actually suffered silently do you know what I would be very interested to know if he kept it a secret because of record labels because if you are signing an artist that you know is likely not going to be able to perform live shows in x amount of years because of a condition that they have no control over that there is currently no cure over did he keep this quiet I'm not saying he kept it a secret but did

he not speak about it as publicly in fear of well this could really impact my career because most of the money that artists make for record labels comes off of the back of live performing and I think that's very interesting to consider I'm not saying that that's necessarily the case I don't even know who he signed with but I think it's a question that would be very interesting to ask an artist who had Tourette's that was more up and coming hey you're going to speak about this publicly because you could risk actually not getting signed yeah and I think there would be so many reasons why people who have different neurological conditions choose to keep it to themselves one of them is just for their own privacy I don't think it necessarily has to be

because they feel as though that their career would be impacted although I'm not saying I do think that that would absolutely be a motivating factor but what this does is having the visibility on such a humongous scale having someone stand up there and say I have Tourette's this is what I struggle with in my life for me I just think about what that does for all the kids out there who have that who struggle with that who get bullied in school because their peers don't have the tolerance or the understanding and I just think about what that's going to do in the long term however I also and I mean let's not focus on the negatives but I want to bring out something that you said when I was talking to you about this Keish there has been this outpouring on social

media on Twitter of people saying how brave he is for standing up there and doing this how incredible it is what a moment in time what this is doing and what it's going to achieve for mental health and for representation of people who have Tourette's but you brought up a really great point on this case and I was like yeah I fucking agree and I was a little bit I was literally like I don't want to rain on your parade because I was like this is so beautiful it almost made me cry when I first read it because I was like good I'm so glad that this has happened for him and I'm glad that the response was so positive but you're I mean you had a really great take on it look I do agree wholeheartedly I think it was a beautiful display of humanity and kindness and that's what

exactly what I think it was I think it was kindness that people were like we recognize what's going on let's do this together god I feel like such a negative Nancy saying this some of the comments I thought were very patronizing and I think that there is definitely an element of ableism. I mean, I think a lot of the comments that were coming across social media, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, they were well intended. And I very much recognize that these people are thinking that they're saying something with a lot of kindness, but I think there is an element of patronizing language to it. Some examples like, what he has done for awareness, he has put his career on the line. He's my hero. He gave it a go. Well done.

he did not give it a go he is a superstar he knows exactly how to do his career I get what they mean I get that they're like this is really fucking courageous because if I were in that position I don't know if I would do that I don't know if I would have the courage to do that where I could potentially be in a position where I'm not able to do my job and there are millions of people watching me do that I don't know if I'm courageous enough to do that but I just think we've got to be really careful with the language that we use when we talk about disability and I mean I speak about this as someone who doesn't suffer from a disability some of the comments I read I was just a bit like oh I don't know how I'd feel if that was me reading that well I also

think when I read them I was like sometimes it infantizes sometimes it's like you did so well well done so brave and I guess the point to this is wouldn't it be nice to get to a point in society where somebody stands up on stage has Tourette's has an episode where they're in the middle of a song and they experience tics and it's not seen as brave it's seen as that's normal that's okay for them and yes maybe it falters their voice the song's not exactly how it would be on the album all that sort of stuff but it's not seen as bravery by representing themselves and being able to be who they are it still instills that there is some shame that there is some stigma completely and that's what I mean because it is a double-edged sword so it's like you're brave for

being you but like we don't get to the point of complete acceptance and this being normalized more words that are used way too much but we don't get to that point unless we see videos like this so I do understand that me kind of saying there's another way that you can view the commentary around this it's a little bit of like stuck between a rock and a hard place because how do we get to that point without the visibility but we need to praise the visibility for more people to feel comfortable coming out and doing it so it's like it's it's a kind I just it feels a little murky to me and I think he is so incredible I think he is one of the best singer-songwriters that I've ever listened to.

He did put a big statement out on Instagram. I'm not going to read the whole thing because it's quite long, but if you want to check it out, it's on his Instagram at Lewis Capaldi. One of the lines in it said, look, the fact that this probably won't come as a surprise doesn't make it any easier to write,

but I'm very sorry to let you know I'm going to be taking a break from touring for the foreseeable future. And I think it's really wonderful that, you know, he's just able to be so honest about this and say, hey, I need to prioritize my health right now. I need to take some time away. and I think that we are becoming a lot better with accepting when people prioritize their mental

health over their career or their job especially when they're as good at it as what he is all right well before we get into answering all your deep your dark and your burning questions it is time for vibe and unsubscribe and Keisha has a whole thing in her notes so she's like so excited because there's about 500 but what is your top of the vibe oh I got so many I know you we could do a episode on all my vibes at the moment. I'm going to focus on traveling ones because I'm going away in two days. It's not on spoiling episodes of a TV series for people. I'm so sorry Molly. My vibe is ruining other people's enjoyment of TV shows. I'm so sorry. So I heard this packing tip from my friend Jo who works on the Beauty IQ podcast and I just thought it was genius. She said if ever

you're going on a holiday with someone you know how like since COVID everyone's bags are getting lost it's a thing that's why everyone's bought air tags that's true actually my bags got lost when we went to Rockhampton forgot about that she said if you're traveling with anyone can be a friend partner kid whatever put a change of clothes in the other person's bag in case one of the bags gets lost so when you get to your destination you'll still have something to change into like for me I'm flying over to Europe the climate's going to be really different and so I'm going to put some swimmers and a dress in top of their own bag yeah which does bring me to my unsubscribe Okay, there is more.

AirTags are too expensive. Okay, I'm sure that if I actually looked on the internet, there would be more affordable options, but I'm a basic bitch who loves Apple products. And everyone's talking about, oh, get an AirTag, because then if your bag gets lost, at least you can track it and you can tell them where it is. I bought them.

They're $50 each. It's not necessary. You can't even recharge them. You have to get a battery for them. Like, you know how you had a watch, like a battery and a watch? Yes. Are you joking, Apple? $50 for a very simple gps tracker i'm pissed off so wait the air tag is one that you can make a

beep right so like if you can't find it you can because like i was watching someone's tiktok recently and a woman had attached it to their child and anytime the kid was running around i was like maybe i should get an air tag so basically that her two children were running around the house and anytime she wanted them to come to her she like pressed the button and it would beep and the kids would come and i was like this is great obedience training that's It's like Pavlov's dog. That's full conditioning of your child that you beep it and it comes. Your child's 20 years old and, like, they've been conditioned

their whole life. Anytime they hear any beeping, they're like, ma, trauma response. Anyway, apparently it's really bad. Don't do that because apparently air tags are really easy to hack. So if somebody, and it's a whole thing, I was watching this TikTok and then I went into the comments section and I was like, that is a deep, dark part of the web. Just don't put air tags on your kids.

I'm not that worried if someone tracks my bag, to be honest. although I do think it's weird at like airports this is a tangent but stay with me so they're so strict on like you got to keep your bag with you when you know you got to keep all your things on you any unattended baggage call security immediately blah blah blah the second you get off the plane and they just pop all your bags on the thing and they're like cool free for all take the one that's yours like it's only when you enter but when you exit it's fine I don't give a shit I'm like anyone could walk in off the street and take a bat you could literally go to the airport and just walk into arrivals and take people's bags like what how is that a thing

I'm sure that people do that I'm sure that that is a thing if you are if you're looking for something new this winter go to the arrivals terminal at Sydney yeah great suitcase you'd always pick the expensive suitcase wouldn't you yeah yeah the one that's gone around a couple of times because you know that person's definitely in the toilet. Anyway let's get into the questions. Okay question number one for you Laws. My partner and I have been together for almost four years and it hasn't always been perfect but we've always managed to work through our issues. In the last four months we have had somewhat unexpectedly had to do long distance because of our jobs. This has uncovered some issues in the relationship that we have argued about and tried to patch up. We went away

on a two-week holiday and everything was great. We connected well and we spoke about the difficulties that we had had. Now we are three weeks into doing long distance again. And my partner is being distant, not communicating well, and tells me that he is unhappy and worn out by the relationship. He said he doesn't enjoy being in a long distance relationship and he doesn't like the relationship now as it is. We have two more months of long distance left. Is it just the distance or does it reflect bigger issues in the relationship? And if a relationship cannot survive a six-month stint of long distance is this the right relationship at all oh okay I feel like there's too many variables to give a solid answer to this there's too many variables because I don't

think that people who like some people struggle with doing long distance and it doesn't mean that there is an issue with the relationship some people struggle with long distance because there is an issue with the relationship and it's highlighted those things and it's really hard to give a black and why answer without knowing all of the details and knowing exactly what it is your partner's experiencing and feeling. Just with the long distance stuff. Okay. If I was going to say, what would I do if I was you? I would ride out the next two months. If you seem to be happy when you're together and everything is fine, I would just put aside that the next eight weeks are going to be quite hard, especially if he is not communicating well, not showing up in the way

that he normally does when you're together. But if you're now going to be back in the same spot and you're going to be able to give your relationship a red hot crack, I would probably give it an eight week grace period, which I know will be very, very, very, very hard because eight weeks when you're not happy is like a fucking lifetime. It really is. But I don't think that you should make any long-term decisions about your relationship to resolve something that is a short-term issue. So eight weeks is a pretty short-term problem and making a definitive decision that could end the relationship, I think may be pulling the trigger too early. But I would want to ask like why when you're not together is that when the relationship starts to unravel is it

because there's codependency issues there is it because he's not consistent with his behavior is it because you are not able to communicate properly I think you have to really unpack the why is it great when you're together and the why does everything unravel when you're not in front of him and is it a case that he's a bit out of sight out of mind and if that is the reality if he is someone who only puts his attention on people who are directly in front of him then I would say yeah that's a way bigger issue in terms of how you guys are going to go long term because what does that mean in the future if he goes away for an extended time or you have to do long distance part of me thinks that a healthy relationship would have a stable foundation

if you were to have to do a long distance stint but I don't want to under sell how challenging long distance can be for so many people and there are some relationships that really really struggle in that, but would also thrive if they were together. So I don't think that it's a black and white thing that you can just say, well, because we've done six months and it hasn't been great, maybe the relationship is not worth fighting for. I actually feel exactly the same in the sense that I don't think that it's necessarily a deal breaker because I think a lot of people, you know, depending on what your love languages are or how you actually feel loved in a relationship, a lot of people require that physical touch. They require that

close physical connection absolutely especially if it's how you feel loved and also if you've been together for four years that's how you guys have grown together like you've actually gotten used to that and so all of a sudden you're kind of expecting that your relationship will have this very very very different dynamic but remain the same so I think the only thing that you might need to question is like it sounds a little bit like he's not prioritizing communication while you're separated and he probably just assumes it's going to be as easy as when you're actually together which it's not like when you're in a long distance relationship you really have to carve out that time to face time to check in on the other person and to make sure that that

connection stays there I think in my own life there are certain people that I would have been able to be in distance relationships before and I have been and then there are certain people that I just wouldn't it wouldn't thrive in that way but that doesn't mean that that person is you know a worse partner I just think that that's the dynamic of the relationship so I agree I reckon if you feel like you're able to stick it out for the two months and just say look there is an end date on this let's give it a go and like let's just keep trucking along and then when things go back to normal how we're used to it you can reassess how you feel then. Totally and I think if he's you know if you're back together and then he's still saying oh I don't feel the same

because the long distance has changed things yeah then massive red flag I believe the things that he's saying to you but if you're able to do that eight weeks be back in the same place together and be together and things click back into the way they were for your relationship, then I think that that's a pretty clear indication that you guys are great together. You're just not great at long distance. But I think there's way more things to ask yourself as well. Like what are the jobs that you're doing? Are you guys working different hours? Is he working crazy long hours and therefore doesn't have the time or the energy to be able to put into the relationship that he normally would? Are you really insecure when he's not there? So you're seeking a lot more validation

that you wouldn't normally have to seek if you had a bit more clarity over where he was, what he was doing, when you're actually living together. There's so many things that can make us feel insecure when we have this dynamic shift in our relationship and one person is physically away. Because when they're in your company and they're in your life every day, there's more stability and there's more safety. And so I wonder what that's doing for you if you have some codependency issues and stuff there as well. Just because some people are great and can manage long distance and some people can't doesn't mean that their relationship is completely going to unravel and that they shouldn't be with that person. This actually reminds me of something that Dr.

Ali Walker spoke about when you guys interviewed her about connection types. And she said that with her girlfriends, you know, they chat all day long, but with her partner, like their time together that she values the most is that kind of quiet time where they're just in each other's presence. And I feel as though that could be a little bit of what's going on here. I think in general like and this is a bit of a stereotype but men tend to not be as good communicators as what women do it's just the way that we're kind of conditioned like you know we could pick up laura you and i could pick up the phone and talk to each other for an hour on the phone and then be like why did i call you again what were you supposed to be talking about i had something

to ask you about work but i fucking can't remember but i do know what happened on black whatever it was called i just think that you know we kind of uh because we can get used to having these connections with our girlfriends, it doesn't necessarily mean that our romantic partners are going to have that same level of communication. The only thing I do want to say is like, he's saying he can't get over the trauma from the past four months. What the fuck happened? Like, what did you guys do in this long distance relationship? I mean, have you been arguing the whole time? Has it been a case where you just can't see eye to eye on things? I don't know. I mean, it is very possible that this is the start of some big red flags, especially if he's not able

to move past the long distance but I think the only thing you can do in this instance is give yourself eight more weeks and then reassess I think trying to make an assessment now when you're still in the middle of this swamp is just is going to be bad for everyone I agree all right question number two all right Kishi I have one for you and this one I have a lot of feelings about it should I be concerned if my new partner tells me that he experimented with his sexuality when he was younger but claims he has quote-unquote sorted it out and is now into women. Note I am not attracted to bisexual people and it puts me off a bit. Okay. Firstly I just want to say that using the term sorted it out when you talk about sexuality is hugely problematic but I want to

talk about this a little bit more as a concept and last night when I was reading through these questions I actually really questioned whether I was going to share this story completely honestly because it's something that I feel quite a deep sense of shame for of how I initially reacted in the situation but I'm gonna tell it and I would ask that you listen to the end before you make judgment of me when I was in my mid-20s I was dating a guy it was going great a couple of weeks in and I found out that he had also experimented with men in his past I don't know whether he was actually in a relationship with them but I found out that it was there was like sexual exploration and my initial reaction to that was very similar to yours and I found it

a bit weird and I had to kind of sit and think about the fact that I found it a bit icky and the reason I feel quite a lot of shame about that is because I have learnt over the last you know years and it was actually from a friend who called me out at the time and I'm really glad that she did this was that what that actually was was some pretty deeply seeded internalized homophobia yeah and I think that this actually exists a lot more than what we may realize because if someone had come to me at that time and said are you a homophobic person I would have been like absolutely not gay people live your best life like of course I'm not homophobic but when it came to my own situation I felt uncomfortable about being with a man who had been with another

man and that by definition is homophobic and I sat on this and I thought about it for a really long time and I think that for myself I grew up in a pretty conservative Pentecostal Christian environment and those values were instilled in me and I didn't realize that I actually hadn't grown past those values being quite deep in my psyche I think that as we grew up like I remember being in high school even in primary school and people would say things like oh that's so gay like oh look those guys interacting with each other they're so gay and it wasn't until this moment in my mid-20s where I really had to hold a mirror up to myself and go why do I have a problem with this because I don't care who or how many women he has been with why do I care about

this and I course corrected I didn't break up with the guy like we kept seeing each other for months but it was something that I really thought about for a long time because I thought wow I didn't even realize I would have considered myself a pretty progressive person and I didn't realize that I had that inside of me this kind of like biphobia homophobia that was like almost like a hangover from values that we had been brought up with I think the reality though is that so many people don't know how they would react to something until they're put into that situation and this is something that I was having a conversation with a girlfriend about recently and we were talking about it in terms of sex work and I know like we've spoken about it so much on

the podcast sex work is real work it is not something to be ashamed of and then my friend brought up well what would you say if Marley and Lola turned around and said that they wanted to be sex workers and I was like wow that really challenges it challenges my thoughts and I'm really glad that that was brought up because I was like would it change the way I feel about them absolutely not but it definitely made me consider my internal thoughts and my internal biases a little bit more. And I just firstly want to say like you sharing that Keish, I understand your reservations. And I think the one thing you can be so proud of is to know that when you felt those feelings that you then course corrected and thought, okay, well, why and where does this

come from? Instead of just being like, I'm not attracted to bisexual people. Cause I think that there's this, there's this like really gross misconception that if you're bisexual, you can't be monogamous because you can't then you can't be in love with one person and choose that one person for you know the rest of however long you want to be with them because you'll have this desire and unfulfilled urge for someone else and that is just so monumentally wrong because I mean you can be heterosexual and be monogamous to one person you can be heterosexual and be absolutely fucking useless at monogamy we've all experienced those people and you can be bisexual and still be able to be that and so I think it's so important to remember that just because somebody has a past

it doesn't mean that it's going to impact their future with you and it also doesn't impact their sexual experiences with you either it is literally just their past it's interesting that that is exactly what you brought up because the friend that called me out on it at the time is bisexual she's female and I had initially said well the reason I don't want to be with someone who's bisexual is because I will never be able to fulfill all of their desires what an insecurity that is you know like you won't be able to be enough I mean you may not be enough as being a heterosexual with a heterosexual they might want things that you don't want as well of course you can never be everything to someone totally and she was like that's not how it works if you are

if you're bisexual and you're in a monogamous relationship you're committing to that person it really was an awakening moment for me and the reason I wanted to talk about this is because I hope that right now I can be that person for you because I think that in general we are comfortable we've even been conditioned to think that it's like sexy and hot to have female female bisexual interactions but when the shoe is on the other foot and it's a heterosexual woman looking at a male who has experienced male-male interactions I think that we still feel uncomfortable about it and I really think that we have such a huge way to go in that sense and the reason like I don't want to come down hard on you and be like you're being homophobic because like I just said I

actually experienced this exact same thing myself so I don't want you to feel as though I'm kind of like pointing at you and being like, you're a fucking terrible person. I actually think that we grew up with these values and we just have them as a hangover now, but we need to talk about it in order to actually move past them. I mean, ultimately, and I think it's a good one to ask yourself if you've ever been in a situation and if you've ever, I mean, even if you haven't been in a situation and you've just thought, oh, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who's been with a guy. It's such an incredibly judgmental way to approach a relationship with someone. And I mean, yes, it is okay for everyone to have types and for people to pick and choose what they want

sexually with their partners. I'm not saying that you are supposed to be attracted to everyone. We know that that's not the case, but if somebody is coming to you and you are attracted to them and you are in a relationship with them and you do want to be with them. And the only thing that's turned you off them is the fact that they had or done something in the past that is completely consensual, that shouldn't be deemed as shameful and that we should be way more accepting of. I think that says a lot more about your internal biases and your internal judgment than what it does about that other person and that other person's ability to be in the relationship or to be committed to the relationship. So I think that that's like a really good take home.

I think what you need to do in this is you just need to sit and think about it and think about maybe where these values have come from. Because for me, that was actually something that made a lot of sense to me I was like oh actually I kind of get why I feel this way I just didn't realize that I hadn't undone some of that kind of messaging that was put into me as a kid so yeah look you've got some sitting and thinking and holding a mirror up to yourself to do but don't stop seeing this guy like you've said should I be concerned no no easy answer okay this last question comes off the back of something that we spoke about last week we spoke about a bride who had specifically asked her friends not her bridesmaids she'd asked her

friends to organize the hens for her however her friends were not invited to her wedding and they were not bridesmaids she had a really small wedding no one came except for like close family and friends but she created a facebook group where she asked other people to organize the hens for her and also gave them really specific rules it was wild this question came off the back of that okay is it weird to want to organize your own hands I have a bridesmaid who I love and I can't wait to do all the wedding things together with her and also party but I also want to be in control of what we do for my hands am I a control freak or is it okay if I just organize my own hands and don't ask her are you a control freak yes is it okay absolutely you are the dream of people like

me. People don't want to organize hens. It sucks. It's so bad. Do you know how stressful it is to put the down payment on accommodation and wait for people to trickle in with their payment? Yeah. Unless you are somebody who fucking loves a spreadsheet, it is the worst job to do. My poor sister, she did such a good job of my hens. She did a phenomenal job of your hens. Loves organizing, loves a spreadsheet, that girl though. But I think you're actually doing your friends a favor. If you want to organize your own hens, if you're going to take that job and you're gonna be like, look, I want you to be there. I want you to do all the wedding stuff, but I want to plan my hands and you just have to show up and party. That literally sounds like every bridesmaid's dream. Every

single one. I'm laughing because often when these situations come up between you, Britt and myself, we have personality traits that surprise, surprise are in common. And none of us are like type A people. So the only way that I feel like this could backfire is if your bridesmaids are type a people and they want that control they want to surprise you and they want to kind of prove that they can throw the best surprise hens ever but if they're not like that if they're like laura and me you are doing like you're doing us a service i can't tell you i would bow down to you and be like thank you for alleviating me of this pressure and this responsibility also i'm like a i'm gonna organize your hens two weeks before the event kind of girl so like if you

want someone to organize it and have it done well do it yourself like isn't that the saying if you want someone to do a job well do it yourself yeah and I think that that's okay in this instance I truly look I mean is everyone going to be happy with it no but if you're inviting Keisha and I we're going to be fucking thrilled I wonder if like maybe the girl from last week who had asked her friends who maybe she should have organized her own she should have organized her own if you're going to have a wedding and not invite anyone to it I think it is your prerogative like it's your job to organize the party that people can then come to and celebrate do you know what okay just going back to the one last week I was thinking about it do you know what she's

basically doing she's like I had a wedding it was very little no one was invited she saved all her money but she still wanted to have like the big engagement party but she's just dressed it up as a hens and being like you organize it and you pay for it she's getting you to pay for her wedding that's pretty much what this is you're paying for her wedding party the only thing about that situation last week that I was like, oh, this could be an exception to the rule. Remember when COVID weddings had like five or 10 people? Yeah, true. Like that was shit. If it was because of that, if it was like, hey, we eloped because actually our family hate each other and we didn't want there to be arguments at the wedding. That's why there was only 10 people. Organize the hands

yourself. Yeah. Organize it yourself. But also COVID weddings were like two years ago now. There's been a lot of time to have your wedding. I think like maybe just be honest about that. Maybe don't Not say anything about the reasons why they weren't invited. Maybe give them a little context and they would be a bit more understanding. Communication and context. I really do feel like it's the end of every single answer. We're always like, just communicate and it will be better. How?

Well, we haven't told you that, but we just tell you to do it. Anyway, guys, that is pretty much it from us. We have some amazing episodes coming out next week. Even though we're going to be on a little vacay, we have an episode with our arch nemesis, jesse stevens who we love jesse is joining us on the pod and she's talking about something that's really i mean it's something we wanted to do an episode on for a really long time and something that's very important to her and that's vaginismus because she struggled with vaginismus throughout her entire adolescence throughout her early 20s and she speaks about a really traumatic moment

actually of sexual violence that she experienced and that had a real impact on her vaginismus and how she overcame it through therapy and also through her new relationship. And she's just amazing. We love her. Jessie Stephens from Mamma Mia, even though we want to beat them in the podcast awards. I absolutely love Jessie. But vaginismus was actually something that I suffered with in my earlier twenties and for very different reasons to Jessie. Like I actually still to this day, I'm like, I have no idea what brought that on. I was in a long-term relationship, but something about it that I think a lot of women feel a lot of shame about is that it actually really affected our sex life because I was in a lot of pain when we were having sex

and that made him not want to do that because he loved me and he didn't want me to be in pain and so like our sex life was really affected by it anyway Jessie goes into so much more detail and she articulates it much better than I could and I guess the reason why it's an episode that I think everyone will benefit from is because even though not everybody experiences it one in three women will experience it in their lifetime and so i think having an understanding of what your friends or your sister or somebody who is a vagina owner is going to go through just gives you so much more ability to have empathy for that but that's coming out on tuesday and you guys know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends why do that even ah just as

well as so good bring me who now we miss her i'm kidding i love her uh tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love oh okay or you can just go and like review subscribe all that stuff oh yeah we love love let's go holidays