Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Is This Normal? Bridesmaid Beef & Beers For One

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Cammeraygal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura. Sorry, I forgot to put my phone on silent. Now I'm good. Shocked. Yeah, I'm ready. Do not disturb me.

Starting point is 00:00:31 Do you know my favourite thing about you is someone's phone will go off and Laura's like, someone's phone's on and everyone looks at their phone and we're all on do not disturb and she's like, oh, it's mine. Every time. We're all like, it's not us. She's like, I can hear it. You look down and you're like, sorry. Everyone to know that I'm popular and that indeed people do try

Starting point is 00:00:48 and contact me. It happens. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. What? I don't know why this memory just flashing to my head. Oh, God. When you said I want everyone to think I'm popular.

Starting point is 00:01:00 Guys, please think I'm popular. I think I might have told this on the podcast like four years ago. It has to have been at the beginning. I had been seeing this guy that I was obsessed with that like couldn't care less about me, to be honest. I remember I was like, I was so frustrated. It was hot, obviously. That's why I was obsessed with him.

Starting point is 00:01:20 Love me. Date me more. And I was so frustrated by the way he treated me because he gave me enough to keep me going and pretended he was interested. Which one was he? Can we give him a, give me a two, like two words that would explain to me who he is. I can, but I also don't ever want him to hear what I'm about to say. He's not listening.

Starting point is 00:01:38 He doesn't care about you, Bryn. He never did. No, that's the thing. He did. Okay. Give me two words and we'll beat them. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:48 Yeah. Anyway, very long on and off, quote unquote relationship, but it wasn't. Anyway. So I remember. You thought it was a relationship. He would let me go. he'd be like it's not for me and then I would be like cool then I'll move on with my life and he'd reel me back in and it was like that for years anyway I remember this one time it was like

Starting point is 00:02:04 getting to the end of this it was going to be like a big blob and I was like okay it's now or never so I remember changing my friend's name in my phone to this really hot famous person and I said I'm going to be meeting him for coffee at this time I'm going to put my phone in the middle of the table message me multiple times so this person's name pops up so do you know what I mean I just faked my friend. I just changed their name. So it looked like this hot, famous guy kept messaging me in front of him. And I saw him look down and then I was such a good actor, I was like,

Starting point is 00:02:36 I'm so sorry, and I turned it and turned my phone over. But I knew that he had seen it coming through. It worked. He was back in. He was like, give it to me, Brittany. Okay, how hard did you go? Was it Channing Tatum? No, it was attainable.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Sam Worthington. It was believable. It was a neighbour's star. It was Tim Robbins. Someone from MasterChef. Miguel. You got me. It was Miguel.

Starting point is 00:03:05 How attainable. Wait, Larry's hot. Also, every single person I've mentioned has like a wife or a lovely girlfriend, so not attainable. It's like Timothee Chalamet. Bit far. Shoot for the stars. It was someone that like, I shouldn't have even said attainable, but it was like, it could have been a long shot. On a good day.

Starting point is 00:03:22 I need to know now who the attainable person is. well i can beep it again yeah go it was um oh sex beep all those names just my whole story's just gonna be like beep beep beep oh god oh guys i wanted to say so if you listen to tuesday's episode we talked about the cultural and social phenomenon that is raygun we did a deep dive But we almost did like a premature deep dive because we talked about it on Monday morning when, you know, there was quite a bit of information in the news about it. She was already going very, very viral at the time.

Starting point is 00:04:00 But that episode came out on Tuesday. And since then, there's been developments and maybe Ray Gunn is a scammer. Yeah, the turn is tabled. Ray Gunn, the breakdancing scammer. Well, let's not start the rumors in case they're not true. But there's some due diligence, some further due diligence that we do need to do here. and the world needs to do, but some spicy little things are starting to come roll onto the dance floor.

Starting point is 00:04:26 I mean, this is wild. Also, it's got 14,000 signatures right now. The goal is 15,000, so they're almost there. They're actually on 14,858 signatures, so people really care about this. But it says, hold Ray Gunn, Rachel Gunn, and Anna Mears accountable for unethical conduct at the Olympic selection. I feel as though you guys are kind of dancing around it just in case, but I don't mind kind of throwing myself under the bus

Starting point is 00:04:48 if this does end up to not be correct. We're dancing around it so we don't get sued. I don't have as much to lose. No, hang on. You can try and sue me, but I can claim bankruptcy. Keisha, we get sued, not you. No, I'm dancing around it. Before we say it, this is allegedly, I'm dancing around it

Starting point is 00:05:05 because the worst thing you can do to someone is go and publicly throw mud on them and accuse them of something if they didn't do it. So until we 100% know, that is why I dance around it. Okay, so there's speculation, there's smoke and fire saying that she set up her own governing body, her husband was involved in the selection process. There was something to do with how there was access to the competition of which she was selected to then go on and represent Australia. It's just looking a bit shady. When you say the governing body, you mean around the Olympic qualifiers. So that's why people are calling, okay, maybe it didn't go to someone who was the best dancer in Australia when it comes to breakdancing

Starting point is 00:05:46 and there was a lot of allowances that allowed her to get there in the first place. People are mad on the internet. Yeah, but I'd love to actually, and this is why I don't want to accuse, I'd love to wait until the facts are out because you don't just have a panel, a husband and wife panel with one person that goes, oh, this is the one, and there's evidently far superior athletes there. So there's definitely still questions around this for me.

Starting point is 00:06:08 It still doesn't add up. So I need to see receipts. Yeah, it's looking as though there were issues with people who were actually very talented in this particular field who may have wanted to represent Australia being able to get to the qualifier events. There's a cultural element to this. A lot of people are saying that there's an element of cultural appropriation, but I do think it's important to point out that we recorded at 8am on Monday.

Starting point is 00:06:33 a lot of this information wasn't widespread by then and that's kind of why I feel like we're just saying there is more now to present if this information had been available on when we recorded maybe we would have had different opinions also it's wild to me how much we've spoken about break dancing for something I've never talked about in my entire life it's now dominated my existence the past four days this person now she haunts me in my sleep I used to do it when i was a part of a youth group when i was growing up i'm not gonna lie i used to do that the spin on the back well we used to do it on wednesdays and fridays but then i ended up going into the band instead but breakdancing was a big part of the church culture i always thought i

Starting point is 00:07:16 could be olympian so fine i always thought i that's a lie i actually don't have any stamina for anything i could never go to the olympics you know how some people they have that fighting spirit that when they feel as though they should stop in their body, their brain takes over. Like I think of people like Ned Brockman, for example, I was born without that. When things get hard, I stop. When my body says like, you're tired now, I go, I listen to you. Yeah. I'm Ned Brockman inside. Like that's who I want to be. You're competitive. I'm very competitive. I think we give up soon. I'm tired.

Starting point is 00:07:49 If there was an Olympic sport right now that you think you'd be most suited to, what would it be? Oh, I need time to think about that. That's not a sport. I want to be the guy, was he Turkish? Used to be a military guy, just went out with a gun. Got silver. I know what I would have if I could go back into another life. I'd do tennis. I'd be a tennis player.

Starting point is 00:08:09 That's interesting. That's awkward. Just because I dated one. I don't understand why that's awkward at all. It's just funny. That's what you, you asked the question, I answered. That's what I think I would, I love playing tennis and I think that that's what I'd want to do.

Starting point is 00:08:26 I think I'd be good at it. I think I picked it up really quickly. You guys would have made great couples tennis back in the day. Yeah, he just came up. It was just the Wimbledon final, actually. Okay, that's a segue. Keep going. We would have been a great tennis couple, but we're not a couple.

Starting point is 00:08:37 I'm in love. Cut all of that. Britt's like everything I've said on this podcast so far. Fucking wiped me from the podcast. Please delete me. I don't exist today. Control, alt, delete. Hi, guys.

Starting point is 00:08:50 Welcome back to another episode with Keisha and Laura. Okay, so we are here to answer your questions. I promise we're getting into that. There's just one more thing I want to do before we do unpack all of your troublesome troubles. So if you listened on Tuesday's episode as well, you would know that Brit is now moving to Romania. I live in Romania. She lives in Romania.

Starting point is 00:09:08 I'm Romanian. No, I'm not moving to Romania. Well, no, but I mean, Ben, look, your beautiful fiance, he's now living in Romania, which means that you'll be spending a lot of time there. And it's a country that you seem to know absolutely nothing about. Except that's where Dracula is. Yeah, except that you taught me that. Except Dracula came from Romania, from Transylvania, actually.

Starting point is 00:09:26 One addition here. I know you're going somewhere with it, but my favourite part of the other day was Keisha saying, isn't Dracula a mosquito? That's what Keisha said. I feel like we need that quote taken and put somewhere. Anyway, continue. I said he was like a mosquito. You can see where the parallels are.

Starting point is 00:09:43 Vampires and mosquitoes both suck blood. But he's a bat. I didn't know he was a bat. he moved to romania which is where dracula is from as a fun fact dracula's not real but no but he's based on a real person but it's the fiction but where he's from is real which is transylvania in romania dracula i think he thrives in a colder environment but it does get really cold in the winter there in where he's what does he do in summer i think he doesn't go out at night dracula's a night animal isn't that the whole point i'm not it's kind of like a

Starting point is 00:10:15 mosquito, isn't he? I don't know enough about Dracula. He's a vampire bat. I don't know how you guys don't know about Dracula. Where the fuck did you grow up? I think it's important to know some fun facts about the place that you're going to be moving to. And we're going to miss you when you live in Romania, Brit. It's been good so far. Am I going to die in Romania? Okay. Here's one that one of our beautiful life has sent us. She said, Brit needs to know what's going down in romania so the country is home to 8 000 brown bears according to the environmental ministry europe's largest brown bear population outside of russia bears have killed 26 people and severely injured them 274 others over the past 20 years that's a long time who knew there were bears in

Starting point is 00:11:01 romania so people are dropping dead from bears in romania but are they where ben is yeah they're everywhere the place is infested with brown bears so what am i supposed to do and bats it was the Adversity to have electric street lamps in Europe, so they're advanced. Wow, they're ahead of their time. And super fast. And it is rapid. They're fast advanced. One thing you will love is that Romania is one of the countries

Starting point is 00:11:23 with the fastest internet speed. It has the sixth fastest internet speed in the world. Wow, so I can record from there. We can reach you. We'll be able to get down the line real quick. It'll just buffer on our end because Australian internet is so shit. It also has, and this is one of the tourist landmarks that apparently everyone needs to go and visit when they're in Romania.

Starting point is 00:11:43 Romania has one of the happiest cemeteries in the world. It is called the Merry Cemetery and all the tombstones are decorated colourfully and have poetry or they have like funny jokes to try and relate back to the person who's in them. I'm sorry, but that screams Britney. Like a headstone with a joke. That is cool, man. It's nice.

Starting point is 00:12:02 That is the kind of cemetery I think should be everywhere around the world. It's only in Romania. Sorry. You know what's not only in Romania? What? Little Paris, Bucharest. Its nickname is Little Paris because they built an Arc de Triomphe in 1935. I've seen it.

Starting point is 00:12:18 Modelled after in real life. No, Ben lives near the Arc de Triomphe, the fake one. It always surprises me when countries do that, when they build like something from another country inside them. It's like you never have to leave. We have it all here. Here's our Little Paris version. Wait till you go to Vegas.

Starting point is 00:12:31 It's so weird. There's fake countries everywhere. Yeah, anyway. You feel like you're in there. There's even a fake sky. Well, we just wanted to make you feel a little bit more at home with some very interesting Romania facts. I don't know if that makes me feel at home by being like,

Starting point is 00:12:43 so, Britt, you're probably going to die by a brown bear, but if you do die, you can have a joke on your headstone. About the brown bear. About the brown bear. I actually have a joke about a bear. What is it? How do you coax a bear out of a tree? I don't know, with some honey?

Starting point is 00:12:58 With camembert. You and your fucking cheese jokes. I'm not even giving you a laugh. No. I'm not even giving you a giggle. Wait, Laura, what do you call a bear without any teeth? Bear mouth. A gummy bear.

Starting point is 00:13:13 I'm not laughing back out of principle. I'm not giving you a laugh. Okay, let's get into vibes on subscribe. I'm going to kick it off today because I have a vibe that I want everyone to get behind. Great. It's a very insular vibe. It has come from within my home and I'm extremely proud of my husband.

Starting point is 00:13:33 So Matt and his podcast partner, Ash Wicks, who have the podcast Two Doting Dads, you guys might've heard of it. It's fabulous, especially for any parents out there who just want to listen to, you know, the normal trials and tribulations of parenting, the relatable shit. They have written a kid's book and it's called Two Doting Dads, The Quest for Free Time. It came out yesterday. It is available in all good bookstores and all terrible bookstores. They will sell it anywhere that you can buy a book from.

Starting point is 00:13:59 What's it about? It sounds like two dads that don't want to be there. There are two dads who are in the park with their children and they're reminiscing about life before they had kids, how it was so easy for them to do things together as friends. And then they devise a plan so that they can go and spend time together, just the two of them. But then all of the tribulations of being a parent get in the way.

Starting point is 00:14:18 Like one of them ends up in hospital because they've stepped on Lego. Don't give away the book too much. It's not the details. Ends up having a prunami blowout. Don't read the book to us now, Laura. Just tell us what it's loosely about. Don't ruin the plot. No, but the reason why it's really sweet is because

Starting point is 00:14:30 at the end of the book the two dads end up being able to spend time together without the kids and then they have the realization that the only place they want to be is together but with their children stop it you're being really sweet and yeah i think they've done such a great job it's such a funny humorous beautiful kids book and also it's one where i think so many kids books suck because they're great for kids but actually the parents are really find them really boring it's one where as a parent you will enjoy reading it so go and get it two learning dads a quest for free time. And I'm so proud of Matt. Go tell him how wonderful he is. My vibe for this week is the movie that every single person is talking about. I went and saw it last Thursday. It is

Starting point is 00:15:07 the movie. It ends with us starring Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. It was initially a book by Colleen Hoover. It was read by half of the world. Like it was so popular and I haven't read the book, but Beck, my friend who I went with to the movies to go and see it, she had. Initially before this was turned into a movie, when they were filming the scenes, there was a lot of criticism of the fact that the original storyline involves a 23-year-old girl. And so what plays out, it's not a rom-com, even though when you kind of look at the imagery and the stuff that's being used to promote the book, I thought it was going to be more of a rom-com than it was. But I was aware of the theme of the movie before I went in. And I actually think that for anyone who is going

Starting point is 00:15:50 to see it, you probably need to be because it wasn't what I expected. Romantic drama? The theme of the book and of the movie is domestic violence and it shows kind of the complexities about these relationships of abusive relationships of how they can seem to be one thing and then they can turn into another. I really, really liked the movie and not liked as in like, I thought it was such a good time to watch. I think for anyone who has experienced any forms of violence or abuse, the word triggering

Starting point is 00:16:22 I think gets thrown around a little bit too much but I actually do think you need to be warned that there will be scenes in the movie that are confronting because I think if you're someone who has experienced that you know what comes next yeah I think they walked the line really well for an audience who are much more likely to be victims rather than perpetrators I thought the acting was really good I put up a story last Thursday after I saw the movie and I got so many messages from Life Uncut listeners being like oh my gosh what did you think there are criticisms one of the main criticisms is that the power dynamic doesn't fit as well in the movie as what it did in the book because Blake Lively is obviously not 23 so that was an additional part I actually think that

Starting point is 00:17:01 they kind of adapted really well in that way so that that wasn't something that played out so much in the movie there's a lot of press at the moment about Justin Baldoni not getting on with the cast and different reasons that they might be feuding there's criticism over the fact that Blake Lively has launched a hair care line and she's saying things like wear your florals get your girlfriends together and go and see the movie when it's about domestic violence yeah I don't really know where I land on that I thought it was a really good movie to help people understand that domestic violence relationships there are moments and there are reasons that people stay and there are reasons that people still love perpetrators and I thought that the movie actually showed that in a really

Starting point is 00:17:43 really good way. Oh, it's so good. I've seen so much press around it, but genuinely haven't. I mean, I haven't seen it yet, obviously. And I knew a little bit about the book because I started it then didn't finish it. But I know at the time it was a real TikTok sensation of a book. So it's always interesting to see how films adapt something that is so well loved and so well read. It's good to know that not that you can have the comparison, but it's good to know that as someone who's coming to it just as a movie, you enjoyed it. Yeah. And I think that whenever there are books that are that popular turned into movies, people are automatically going to be critical because they've painted an idea of what they think a character is going to be. And then they see it

Starting point is 00:18:17 on a screen, they go, that's not what I pictured. So there are a lot of criticisms about the adaptation. My friend Beck, she thought it was a good adaptation. It's the same with, I know everyone got really obsessed with One Day because One Day is a very, very famous book. And I would say the characters weren't the way in which I envisaged them in the series. If you guys watched and everyone was talking about a few months ago, but they were different, but I absolutely loved the adaptation, even though they weren't the way that I pictured them to be. My vibe this week is probably one of my favorite podcast episodes I have ever listened to ever. It is from Stephen Bartlett's Diary of a CEO, who you guys might have listened to the episode. We had Stephen

Starting point is 00:18:57 Bartlett on our podcast. It is with a man named Francis Anganao. He is a man from Cameroon in Central Africa. He was the UFC heavyweight champion. He was a boxer and a UFC fighter, both of them, mixed martial arts. He did it all. But his story is probably the most inspirational and powerful story that I have ever heard. He grew up in Central Africa, so poor with an abusive father. And he decided at like 10 years old that he wanted to fight. He's like, I wanted to be a fighter, but there was no gym, no training facility, nothing anywhere. He was so determined that he he's like I need to get out of here so he started working at like 12 years old in a mine save save saved and then it's his story of walking driving across Africa across the Sahara desert

Starting point is 00:19:47 getting in the ocean and trying to swim trying to cross the ocean by a dinghy six times eventually he makes it to Europe with like zero money he has nothing and no one and he finds a gym and goes in with nothing and says I want to fight what can I do and they told him he's like I can't afford that they're like let me speak to a coach and they let him train for free this man has that didn't owe him anything put him up in an apartment and they trained him and trained him and trained him and trained him and he ended up becoming the heavyweight champion of the world that's amazing what a story it gets even more incredible the way he looks and his personality are two polar opposite things the things that he has been through that is surface level the things that this man has been through

Starting point is 00:20:26 is something that you just wouldn't want to wish upon anyone and then recently he lost his 15 month old son, but his story and the way he speaks is the most powerful thing I've ever heard. And I left that thinking, my God, like he's a definition of if you want something and dream and work hard enough and don't give up that you can get it. Like that's how I felt when I left. I think it's also interesting when you hear stories like that and you think about the people who didn't have to help, but did. That's what I left thinking. One person being kind for no reason changed his entire existence yeah he didn't have to do anything it was just a random off the street that had nothing it was like please let me train for free like who would have said yes to that so anyway that's my

Starting point is 00:21:10 recommendation it came out last week on the 8th it's diary of a ceo with stephen bartlett and the episode is francis enganow wonderful you want to get into the questions yeah question number one i've been with my boyfriend for five years now i have kids he doesn't and i've always felt like he's my best mate not necessarily my penguin but at the same time it's been five years we've put in the work and my kids now adore him his best friend moved in with us over a year ago i obviously noticed that this man was attractive and i've known him for a long time but i was happy and content with my partner and thought you know it's just normal to appreciate someone else's good looks until he messaged me one night i was at work and he had been drinking it said hey please

Starting point is 00:21:53 don't repeat what i'm about to tell you oh that never starts well does it he goes on to tell me that he finds me irresistible and the reason he chose to take a FIFO three days on one day off was because he struggles to be alone with me he said he thinks about me non-stop I would be lying if I said I didn't feel the lust I went home I slept it off and I felt so guilty that I did show my boyfriend the messages he kind of just said oh wow he was thinking with the wrong body part isn't he and has since pretended like it never happened now I'm in a tailspin I dream about this man. He creeps into my mind constantly. He comes home in a week and I've tried gently suggesting to my boyfriend that he really needs to move out. Obviously I haven't told him that I'm attracted to

Starting point is 00:22:35 his best friend, but I just said that it's just a bit awkward for me now. My partner has replied that the extra income is helpful and he probably won't try anything. Fuck this guy. Sounds like an idiot. But what he doesn't know is that his friend has also messaged me since telling me that he's sorry. However, I am just so beautiful and kind how I'm the sweetest person that he knows and he can't help but think about me. I truly think that I am feeling this way because after five years of being a full-time working mom, I feel invisible to my family. So having a man call me irresistible is truly just a thrill. I do not want to go against my morals and destroy someone's trust, but I'm really not sure how to navigate this. Should I be looking at this as a sign that

Starting point is 00:23:15 I'm unfulfilled in my relationship and maybe it's time to move on? Or is this a normal reaction to having an attractive man show me attention. There is nothing normal about this situation. And, like, I want to say that by putting a full stop after every word. Like, there is nothing normal. Your boyfriend is the most complacent man I've ever heard in my life. This, okay, he needs to, I just can't believe it. If my partner, if I was like, yo, like your bestie and the guy

Starting point is 00:23:48 that sleeps in the other room wants to have sex with me. He said I'm irresistible. Yeah, and he can't resist me. He can't resist me. He can't stop thinking about me. He wants me. And my partner was like, oh, he's probably not going to try it. It's cool.

Starting point is 00:24:01 I don't think anyone's described me as irresistible in a long time. It's been a long time. Okay, the short answer of this is if you want your relationship to survive, he needs to go immediately. He needs to go. And you don't have to make it a big blow-up, but he cannot stay in the same house. He cannot stay.

Starting point is 00:24:18 he cannot stay. And when you said, actually, there's a part of the question where you were like, he creeps into my, at night, you said he creeps into my mind at night. And I thought the sentence was going to go, he creeps into my bed at night. I was like, well, there's nothing normal about this. Like the only thing that is normal is that you feel good knowing that someone's attracted to you. That is a really normal thing, especially when you feel unseen and underappreciated in your relationship, if you haven't felt like you've got a few kids, two kids, and you've been together a long time, if you haven't felt that spice and desire in your own relationship, which chances are you're not because your partner couldn't care less if someone else wants to fuck

Starting point is 00:24:56 you, then I think that's so normal. It's human nature to feel wanted and appreciated and if anything, to feel seen. And it sounds like this guy sees you. And I wonder if that is tricking you into thinking you want something with him, like a chemistry trick? Because chemistry can be pretty tricky. Say tricky again, Britt. Chemistry can be pretty tricky. Look, I don't want to, I don't want to come in too hot in terms of like criticizing your partner, because I think some people would look at this situation and go, well, your partner has so much trust in you that that's something that's admirable. Like he trusts that you are never going to do anything that goes against the foundation of the relationship that you've

Starting point is 00:25:40 built together. And he also just kind of trusts his friend in a way, I guess. And he's like, well, that's the problem. Totally. There's a sense of naivety. There's a sense of complacency in there. But also I do agree with you, Britt, in saying that it's no wonder to me that there is no desire. And it's not because I expect my partner to have jealousy, but I would expect my partner to care if their friend was showing interest in me, sexual interest. I would expect them to have some sort of response to that, some sort of sense of protection, some sort of sense of like, you know, no, I'm going to prioritize our relationship and our intimacy over my friend who's literally trying to have sex with my girlfriend or is, you know, behaving inappropriately

Starting point is 00:26:20 and creating a situation that's uncomfortable in our own house. The complacency pisses me off, right? And I think, yeah, be careful about looking at it as though, oh my God, we trust each other so much. I don't think that that is kind of, that to me is weird. It's not the trust thing. Trust doesn't come into this for me it's not yeah I agree not caring that your friend has gone behind your back in your house a house that he has given you he has gone behind your back to message your wife and say I want to be with you I can't stop thinking about you but please don't tell anyone totally and that's why I'm like it's complacency so if he is that complacent around that situation how complacent is he in the relationship in total I mean from all the conversations we've had on

Starting point is 00:27:02 this podcast before Esther Perel is the first person who comes to mind because she's someone who speaks so well on the concept of desire you've literally said after five years I feel invisible to my family there is no desire in your relationship if you feel invisible if you feel unseen your needs are not being met so it is no surprise to me that when someone is showing you a level of attraction of intimacy telling you that you're beautiful that you're irresistible that you are fantasizing about them. Of course you are. Like in no way do I blame you for having those thoughts. And I think that you have navigated this in the best way so far because you haven't cheated on your husband. You haven't done anything wrong, but there does have to be some boundaries

Starting point is 00:27:43 that put in place. And there has to be some conversations that I had like honest, honest conversations because otherwise nothing's going to change. And then this whole situation is just put on you to resist temptation rather than it being something that you can work through together with your partner so I would say first thing he has to go if you're like okay this is just temptation you cannot stay living in the same house as him because there's no way that you're going to be able to repair your relationship with your current partner if he's still living there but also it does require a sense of honesty and a sense of communication which will be hurtful to your current partner around this is the situation this is how I feel and I know I'm

Starting point is 00:28:24 not attracted to him, but I feel as though the attention makes me feel something. And I think it's because I'm not getting that attention from you. But also it's your house too. You don't have to subtly suggest that maybe the person that's sneaking around behind your partner's back and hitting on you in your own house should go. Like that doesn't have to be subtle. You are uncomfortable in your house, but it doesn't matter why you don't have to tiptoe around with your partner. You just say to him, I'm uncomfortable now. We are fine without the extra money or we can find someone else but I don't feel comfortable in my house knowing that he is there yeah the other thing I think is put yourself in this situation if that was your friend a female

Starting point is 00:29:02 friend that you were renting the room to and she had messaged your husband and said hey whenever Sally's gone like I just can't stop thinking about you I want to be with you I know it's wrong please don't tell her if you had found out your friend had done that under your roof to your husband I can guarantee you your response would be different and your response is probably the response it should be. Like if I gave Keisha a room and then found out she was trying to bang Ben, can you imagine? Don't bring me into this. No, but it's an example. Like if your friend, if your good friend, if I had to give you a room, Keisha, and no part of me thinks you'll bang Ben on record. If I gave you a room because you were stuck and then I found out you'd been messaging

Starting point is 00:29:42 my husband or fiance saying that like when I'm out, you want to bang him. Imagine like no normal person, unless they're aiming for a threesome, is going to be okay with that. Or unless they don't care. Point exactly. This is the thing. And this is why you feel undesired because that response from your partner indicates that he has partly checked out. He doesn't care. That's why you feel disappointed because the response is so unreasonable. The response is so lacking a normal sense of setting boundaries within a relationship that it is not surprising to me that there is no desire in your relationship so that's why I think there has to be some hard conversations that I had and I know you say you haven't you've told him parts you showed in the messages I'm glad you

Starting point is 00:30:26 showed in the messages to start with but this now is at a point where either you're going to be living in your house in such a high stress environment because anytime your housemate comes in you're gonna have that like oh like the elephant in the room anxiety which is an awful way to live. Your house should be a place of like harmony, peace and comfort. It shouldn't be a place where you're walking on eggshells or you're frantically feeling anything inside around like being around someone. So the conversation has to be your friend has to move out. Like this is where we're at. This does not sit well with me. I don't feel comfortable anymore for X, Y, Z reasons. You can go into as much or as little as you want to, but then there has to be a conversation with your

Starting point is 00:31:07 partner around this feeling of invisibility and if that hasn't changed or that doesn't change then you can't stay in this relationship because it is not normal to get to the five-year mark and have kids and feel invisible and I know a lot of women do and I know a lot of mums especially feel invisible in their families that's not normal and just because it happens shouldn't mean that it's accepted and shouldn't mean that we go oh well it happens to other people so therefore, you know, maybe I should just be okay with the fact that we've been together so long now. And, you know, my husband doesn't really make me feel as though he cares about me or is thrilled about me. It's like you're accepting the behavior and that's why it's continuing.

Starting point is 00:31:47 I don't want to say that you will do this, but I do want to say you are far more likely to end up cheating. Yeah, you will. If he stays in your house, because if he's not there and he texts you, do with that what you will. But if he is in the lounge room and you're in the kitchen and your husband's not there and he's been flirting with you nonstop, little brushes, little touches, you feel neglected in your relationship, you are far more likely to accept those advances. And because you know that this wasn't a drunken attempt, you know that this wasn't just him thinking with his willy

Starting point is 00:32:18 as your partner brushed it off. We're so stupid. You know that this is something that runs deeper for him and it's how he feels about you and you're now, because of that attention, you're building feelings based of chemistry. Even though those feelings aren't necessarily real, they will become very real, very, very quickly. And that will be so hard for you to navigate when you get to a place where you're like, oh fuck, I'm in love with my housemate who's my partner's best friend. That's

Starting point is 00:32:45 where you're heading. That's what will happen. Yeah. And also don't feel like you have to work it out with your partner either. If it's not there as well, and that's a decision you make, that's also okay. But like, you're not going to just walk out and be with the friend, but it's a discussion. I have a spicy spanner. What if? Have we started hypotheticals here? Yeah, this is a hypothetical. What if what? What if she does? What if she goes, okay, I'm not getting this,

Starting point is 00:33:05 what I need from my partner and I'm ready to blow my fucking life up into a million pieces. Maybe she likes the drama. Maybe she likes the red flags. What happens? If she goes, okay, I'm done. I feel this strongly about my housemate. I'm going to see what happens.

Starting point is 00:33:19 How do you navigate that? Well, sounds like the husband wouldn't care anyway, to be honest. No, honestly, we joke. Don't do that. But good luck. Yeah, but I don't. No, don't do that. Don't fuck that up, mate.

Starting point is 00:33:31 No. Oh, my God. Unless there's a lot of time in between and you've left your partner and you think that he's the one. It can't just be sex. It has to be because you think there's something to it. All right. Drama, drama, drama.

Starting point is 00:33:40 Question number two. How do I tell the bride and groom of a wedding that I'm attending later this year that the bridal party outfit they have chosen for me is awful and I do not want to wear it in no capacity? Keep in mind, they also asked me to pay for it. So now I'm out of pocket for a dress that I hate. I live in a different state to them, so I had to order online without trying the outfit on before I bought it. It is unflattering, does not suit my shape, and I feel very uncomfortable in

Starting point is 00:34:07 it. I do not want to wear this in public. She really is doubling down. I don't want to wear it in public, let alone in front of a crowd of people that I know at a wedding. I had suggested early on that if I'm paying for it, could I please buy a nice dress in the color that they would like, one that I would be likely to wear again. They insisted, however, that they want everyone to be uniform do I have to just suck it up as a day is not about me also this is a destination wedding so I'm already spending thousands on travel and accommodation to attend that to me is shit behavior from your friend when you get married and I know that this is going to trigger some people I'm very very sorry if this was how you navigated your wedding but the most important thing to me

Starting point is 00:34:49 is that my friends feel comfortable and no one is the same body shape no one is the same size I would never want someone to be standing next to me feeling uncomfortable, exposed as though they didn't, you know, they weren't wearing something that even remotely complimented them. And I made them pay for it simply because my desire for uniformity outweighed their desire for confidence and like peace of mind. I think firstly, that's a shitty mentality that your friend had. So like, that's how I feel about that. How do you navigate it now? I would be honest. I would say like, I received the dress online. It really doesn't fit me properly. And I don't think I can wear this. And I know that you have an idea around what you want, but is there any chance that you

Starting point is 00:35:33 would be okay with me getting something else? Or maybe there's a different fit from the same designer because like a lot of people these days, when you get a bridesmaid's dress, they will get it from the one place, say Shona Joy, for example, it's the perfect example of like a place to get a bridesmaid's dress from because they'll have the same color, but then they'll have so many different shapes and cuts so that anyone can choose a dress that will fit their body shape rather than it just fitting the theme of the wedding do you know what i mean i completely agree i think when i think of my wedding the first thing that i would think of is that they can pick what they want like even with my sister i've already said to her what color do you want to wear because she's my maid of honor

Starting point is 00:36:09 what totally what dress length what how do you envision it and she's like well why don't you give me a guide of the color theme you want and i was like i almost don't care i'm almost like as long as you're happy. Well, usually, I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I usually think that the bridesmaid conversation around what everyone's wearing, it usually happens as a group. It's usually not just something that the bride dictates down and says, this is what everyone is wearing. But usually you have a WhatsApp group and everyone's kind of like in there and having a chat. Like, what do you think of this option? What do you think of this option? No, I think it's, I think there's two sort of parties here. I think one's that where there's the more lax bride that's

Starting point is 00:36:44 working for her bridesmaids and then there's the bride that's like knows what her wedding is to a tee she's probably had those dresses picked out for eternity but my question is I also agree I think you write back and you say I've never been more uncomfortable in my life like say what you said to us but a bit more diplomatically just say like I am thoroughly uncomfortable there is no part of me that wants to wear this like what are the options here do you think we could try just ask her my question Laura is what happens then if the bride says no can you pull out of the bridal party well look I have one other feeling before I get to that part because like I think you can pull out of the bridal party but I do think it'll cause a rift and I think it would be upsetting for

Starting point is 00:37:24 everyone I guess the other part of this is the expectation that some brides have for their bridesmaids to self-purchase a dress that they're never going to wear again I think that that's an unreasonable request and we and we need to stop doing that that's super standard though so you know do you think no I know it is that is how it is and I don't necessarily agree with it at all but that's historically that's what happens the bridesmaids get sent a dress sometimes it's like half is compensated by the bride some but usually it's like hey this will be the dress if you could purchase it that would be amazing okay that to me is absolutely insane so I think it is crazy to expect someone to pay for a dress that you have picked out for them that they're never,

Starting point is 00:38:06 ever, ever going to wear again. And they don't have any say in it whatsoever. I think if that's the way it's going to be, then the expectation should be on the bride to pay for the dress. I think if you give them the option, if you're like, Hey, here is a few different kinds of dresses, choose the one you like, then that's okay to kind of impart some of the payment or the whole payment. But if you're saying to someone, you have to wear this uniform to my wedding and you hate it but I don't care I don't think that that's a very nice way for friends to treat each other I've been a bridesmaid a couple of times and every time I've paid for my dress and shoes and some of them I've paid for my makeup and my hair and jewelry and transport

Starting point is 00:38:45 and accommodation and it can be really fucking expensive and there was a time in my life where this was genuinely a really big pressure the makeup and hair is weird like that for me like come and be part of my party get ready with me but get your own hair and makeup I think the bride and the groom unless there's a really strong reason you can't but should be paying for dresses like if you've asked somebody to come and they should be paying for hair and makeup like if you've asked someone to be part of your day and you've put these specifications on you can't then lump that someone to someone else I think my situation is the more common one though it is yeah yeah and I know that this comes from a place of more financial privilege like I know that I'm

Starting point is 00:39:21 able to afford to pay for the dresses for my bridesmaids and I paid for them but I guess my thing is is if you can't afford to pay for them or you haven't budgeted for it within your wedding but yet you have really strict and stringent ideas around what that person has to wear that to me seems unfair I think if you don't have the budget to help accommodate your bridesmaids in any way you can't have the same level of expectations on them well don't have 10 bridesmaids yeah or it's an open conversation so that you're making sure that you're not putting your needs and wants as a bride over the financial capabilities of your friends because that's just not being a good friend at the end of the day. But not even over the financial capabilities, over their comfort.

Starting point is 00:39:59 Like you are so uncomfortable that you are losing sleep over this. Like you do not want to go and stand there in front of people. And I can't imagine what that feels like. I think we need to normalize having conversations around weddings in a way that doesn't like stigmatize bridesmaids or groomsmen as being bad friends. If they're not able to bend over backwards and cartwheel and spend the thousands of dollars that brides and groomsmen expect. I also think that maybe as people who are having our weddings, as the person who's, you know, organizing the day, I understand that there's so much pressure, but really thinking about what are the financial implications that your wedding is having on the people that you love most and deciding or speaking

Starting point is 00:40:41 to them, being open with them to make sure that your friends are okay. Because most people don't want to disappoint their best friends. They want to be included, but not everyone can afford the things and the expectations that we're expecting of them. But I know we've gotten into, I know we've gotten into the money side of things, but when it comes to like, not just money, like also around their comfort, how do you feel? Do you, do you feel good wearing that? Do you like wearing that? There has to be a limit to it. It may not be the dress that's their favorite dress that they've ever bought being your bridesmaid's dress, but there has to be some sort of conversation around it. I don't know. I would just feel differently about it. Well, you can also loan

Starting point is 00:41:13 dresses too, guys. Like you can go to dress hire places and loan a dress and then give it back as well. That's like food for thought. Do you know what is one of the most common questions that we have in the Life Uncut discussion group? It's from people who are bridesmaids who are like, I have been instructed to wear this dress. I have a really big bust and I need something that's going to like cover it or support my boobs. Or basically it's saying that the rest of the bridal party don't have big boobs. I do. This dress is not, it's backless or, you know, that kind of thing it gets posted at least once a week that's so crazy to me honestly I would love to know maybe we should do a poll have you ever been a bridesmaid and were you made to wear

Starting point is 00:41:55 something that you hated I would love to know how common this issue is but yeah I think look if I was you I would be having a conversation I wouldn't be accusatory I wouldn't go in as hard maybe as what you said Brit but I would definitely be saying like I would I feel that's not hard I think you can go and say I'm really uncomfortable I don't want to wear this there is nothing wrong with saying to your friend if you are good enough friends to be in the bridal party but you don't feel like you can tell her how uncomfortable you are then that's not congruent yeah it always surprises me that this is something that people have to navigate and i just think as the person who is getting married as the bride and groom it's something that people should be and need to

Starting point is 00:42:32 be way more sensitive about i think we do and we will do like an entire wedding kind of episode whether that's a bonus or something in the future because um i'm already getting so many dms from people like this like questions because maybe they know I'm planning the wedding I don't know but I'm I'm going through so many different wedding planning things as well already so I think we'll definitely like collate a bunch of stuff and maybe we'll do just like a wedding edition 100% I mean especially now because that's like you were in the wedding orbit right you're sucked in hard deep it's happening next question my husband and I had a disagreement and both genuinely could not work out who was in the wrong. So reverting to the brain's trust. Oh,

Starting point is 00:43:11 cute. That's us. My husband works shift work. So often has midweek days off or finishes really early on weekdays that I'm working. So sometimes let's just say once a week, he likes to go to the local pub by himself and have a few beers until I finish work. So he's killing time. He usually comes home a little bit tipsy on these occasions. I feel uncomfortable about him drinking by himself and coming home tipsy after doing so. I don't have any issue with him drinking with friends or if we have a few drinks together. It's just the by himself aspect that I don't like. Now, I think this stems from growing up with parents who had issues with alcohol. He gets upset by this and feels like I'm trying to control him and how he spends his free time.

Starting point is 00:43:53 He doesn't think it's unreasonable to be doing this once a week. I don't have an issue with him doing any activity by himself that doesn't involve alcohol, so I don't feel like I'm being controlling. Who is in the wrong? Am I being unreasonable? We both have had multiple convos about this and both are not sure if each of us is in the wrong. For context, we are in our early thirties. We have no kids, just living at home, the two of us, otherwise have an amazing relationship. Genuinely in answering this question, I feel like I'm in two minds about it because my first thought is that no one is actually in the wrong here and drinking isn't a problem until it's a problem, right? Like, I mean, it's really hard to identify when alcohol is a problem in

Starting point is 00:44:33 someone's life. However, I understand why this is very triggering for you, especially if you came from having parents who are alcoholics. I can understand why that's something that's like very, very, very upsetting. The frequency of it, going and having a few drinks after work once a week, for some people, that's going to be a really high frequency. And for other people, they're going to think, oh, it's only once a week. It's not a big deal. My question to you is, is how much is he also drinking throughout the week when he is with friends so does he do one day solo by himself of an afternoon of drinking and then is he also drinking you know most nights a week with you when you guys catch up together and then also with his friends that is when I would say okay

Starting point is 00:45:13 look at it as a frequency thing over time rather than it being as an isolated event if the only time he drinks is when he goes and has a few beers by himself after work that might be his way of unwinding, his way of decompressing. I'm sure there's healthier ways to do it. But if it's a once a week thing, you know, that's not a, to me, like a big startling trigger. But if he's doing that, plus also all the rest of the drinking throughout the week, and as a total, actually drinking is a pretty prolific thing that he does, then I would say, yeah, that is part, a parcel of a greater issue here, because it means that what he's actually doing is constantly drinking as a way of winding down, whether it's with friends or by himself. I also don't believe that anyone

Starting point is 00:45:54 is in the wrong here. I don't think he's in the wrong by having a few drinks on his own. And I am going to tell you, you are not in the wrong because you have feelings of being uncomfortable about that. Like you can't be wrong for having that feeling. It doesn't sound like he drinks that much outside of it. Cause you've said he's amazing. There's no other problems. It's not drinking in general. It's just this one time he goes by himself that you have the problem. Drinking alone in this capacity, I don't believe is because you have a drinking problem. It truly sounds like it could be though of course it could be but she said he doesn't really drink other like they don't have any issue otherwise which is what is clear obviously if there is a drinking problem

Starting point is 00:46:32 outside of that that's a whole nother story but that's not what she's letting us believe she's actually just said it's those few hours once a week that he's waiting for me to finish work my understanding my take of this is that he's literally just feeling some time and I picture it in my head like he's sitting at a bar having a beer while he watches the footy on the screen or something like that. Like, I don't think he's going to sit in a dark corner and scull a bottle of vodka, making assumptions here. That's the way some people unwind. And for some people that could lead into a drinking problem. And for other people, it's literally what it is. It's just having a beer because you enjoy a beer. It's how you unwind after work and you might enjoy watching the sport

Starting point is 00:47:10 or whatever it is. So for me, I think that that part isn't overly concerning, but that's because I don't know anything else in this context. If he's drinking outside of that and there are other issues then it is different but if he's not like a sporty guy or doesn't have hobbies he doesn't like the gym if this is just his thing this is his way of unwinding some people go for a run right yeah I know but that's the problem right because I guess the thing is is when it is someone's only way of an outlet when things get harder when you got kids when all of those other extra pressures and that's like your way to unwind is to have a few drinks on your own without the other things in place it can be the thing that helps to create I mean like

Starting point is 00:47:48 statistically i've just pulled up some stats and this is what the health organization says about it while drinking alone at home is not always a problem it can lead to alcoholism drinking alone clinically described as alcohol use disorder you should worry about alcoholism developing if you find yourself overindulging choosing to drink over social events or obligations or drinking to deal with problems obviously yeah but i think about myself i would have a drink by myself i live alone like that's not a strange thing and if he doesn't have a problem and he's not coming home wasted which he's not you've said that for me from the information i've been giving i think what you have done is the right thing like you have expressed to him the way it makes you feel which is very

Starting point is 00:48:30 valid from your history but i think you have to try and listen to whatever he's saying and have an understanding and then make your decision i maybe feel a little bit differently to brit i do think that it can definitely be the start of a coping mechanism or it can be something that turns into something more problematic. Does it sound like it's problematic right now? No, it doesn't sound like it's problematic right now. But I do also think that you're looking at this from like probably a more zoomed out lens and a big picture. There are a lot of questions to ask yourself. One is how much is he drinking during the week? That's a really, really important question. Why is it that he enjoys to go and drink by himself? How much is he drinking by himself?

Starting point is 00:49:09 Without the answers to those questions, it's really hard to know whether or not this is something that actually is a problem and i.e a drinking problem also not that this matters but i'm just curious and maybe this is the reason i think it is normal because i grew up with a lot of my friends a lot of family members in the construction industry like tradesmen and it's so normal for a tradie to knock off and have a beer after work like that is and i'm not my dad was never one of those he never ever went to the pub he's in he doesn't even really drink much but I just see it very differently I think that lots of people drink and somebody enjoying a drink on their own after work while they're waiting for you when you've said it's an amazing relationship

Starting point is 00:49:49 there is nothing else wrong with it your only issue here is because you had an issue with your parents that's where I think this issue is and why I don't think this is being over the top yeah but I do think that that is an issue in that I think if I said to Matt for example if my parents are alcoholics and I said to Matt this behavior is something that is triggering for me and it worries me and they said it's fine there's nothing wrong here I would feel as though they weren't listening to the reasons as to why something was upsetting to me oh see I disagree and I think if he's coming home and his behavior is affected like how much does it require him to drink to come home quote unquote tipsy and then when he gets home tipsy does he continue to drink or does he stop there

Starting point is 00:50:30 and then you guys go on to have a lovely night there are more questions here that need to be asked as to how much it's affecting your relationship. But I don't want to disqualify the fact that you find being around drinking or solo drinking or whatever it is triggering because of your upbringing. I would too if I was in that situation. And it would make me far more hyper alert and hyper aware to the behaviors of my partner that might indicate alcoholism. Well, that is it from us, guys. If you have questions, please send them in to Life Uncut Podcast. Just the DMs. Funnily enough, I feel like we've said that on every single episode for like 350 episodes of Ask Uncut but I receive them all the time

Starting point is 00:51:08 to our website email address where people are like, hi, I didn't know where to write this in and I was like, that's okay. You can send it to our website email address. No, you can but I thought we were always hammering home the message but maybe people check out before we sign off. Don't check out, guys. Don't check out. Wait right to the end.

Starting point is 00:51:22 You need to hear the call cry of Life Uncut. You can send them into the website or email if you like. I understand some of the people might want to be anonymous, like not even show their profile and that's why they email which is also totally fine and also your accidentally unfiltered is everything else that comes along with it. Don't forget we have YouTube now so you can go and watch all of our big meaty episodes and our interviews

Starting point is 00:51:42 and then we put some Ask Uncut questions up as well and it's a lot of fun. And that is it from us, guys. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. You just testy popped. I just yawned, that's why. You were like, wee!

Starting point is 00:51:55 Wee! Bye. We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Is This Normal? Bridesmaid Beef & Beers For One

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.