Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - IT'S THERAPY THURSDAY!

Episode Date: November 18, 2020

It's that time of the week guys! Where you hit us with your deepest and most troubling problems and we give you our deepest and sometimes troubling answers. JOKES our answers are always very heartfelt, considered and come from a place of love and experience. Today we have an international student whose boyfriend just pulled the pin on their partnership visa, meaning she wouldn't easily be able to stay, but he still wants to be with her. Is this cool? Should she stay? Should she give up? Should she go and marry someone else for a visa!? (Of course not don't be silly that is very illegal) Then a relatively simple yet wildly common question, "How soon is too soon to move on? Should you get under someone to get over someone?" (if the man in question has a last name Hemsworth than yes, the answer is always yes, get under)Then we have a woman that found something in her husband's email that you never want to see. When and how can she confront him, especially when she was searching through his email to start with!We absolutely LOVE ask uncut so please keep your questions rolling in! (literally any topic is welcome) And if you love the episode please share the love, because, well, we love love xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany and today is Ask Uncut Day where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. Also means it's Thursday, which means it's almost the weekend. Which makes it a tea day, which makes it a life on cut day. A Tuesday and a Thursday. What other day could it be? Who knows?

It's probably Mercury in retrograde. I haven't seen you in how many days? Four days. Four days. It's the longest we've ever gone. Though we were having a breakup. I thought you ghosted me. Oh my God, speaking of this.

So, I learnt a new dating phrase over the weekend, which I have held on to, to tell you about. Can I try and guess it? Sure. but this might be a long game what's in regards to so I'm trying to behavior I genuinely thought I knew every single like moniker for online dating no because so many made up every few months I hear a new one and I'm like what is that but I thought like you know we're doing what we do doing this podcast I thought you know nothing was news to me but anyway professionals in the industry you would think we know it all with all the experience so I had never heard of this one

before it is the the label that's given when a person you that you're dating ghosts you but then all of a sudden comes back like they're being resurrected from the dead oh they're haunting you what you would i would thought that but no don't i want to get it i love guessing games it's got a real naughty cool theme to it does that help you like sailor because they emerge and then they disappear again. Is it called Submarini? Yeah. Oh no, that's so made up.

Well, it's not. No, it's called- It's on the internet, it's the whole thing. It's called Haunting because they die and come back. They're like a ghost, but they're sticking around. It's fucking Casper. I actually don't know if it's called Haunting, but I'm saying that Haunting is way better than Submarini.

Have you been, are you being haunted by anyone at the moment, Britt? My whole life is like a horror movie. My love life is like the ultimate horror movie. Where did you read that? I was laying in bed this morning. came up on some really unnecessary article that I decided to click into there we go we do read a lot of weird and unusual love articles I follow a lot of people on Instagram that are in like the relationship industry and I'm always hearing new things I didn't even know actually I don't want

to admit this but not that long ago I didn't even really know what breadcrumbing was I just thought it was what you did to your schnitzel and then you were like ah I recognize this behavior maybe Maybe we should do an episode just unpacking what all of the different terminologies are. I reckon that's a brilliant idea. It's probably the best idea you've had all week. No, it's probably the only one I've ever had. Anyway, guys, you know that this is our short, sharp and sexy episode. I don't know.

I was trying to think of another thing where we, you guys write in your questions to all of your life dilemmas. We pick out a couple and we answer them with all of our life experience. And we love it. And we do. But this episode is not sexy. These questions aren't very sexy. No, we've got a lot of relationship questions for you again.

But also guys, if you haven't joined up to the Facebook page, jump on Life Uncut Podcast. A lot of people, if it's not something that's super private and super personal, a lot of people will just share their own questions in the group. And then with the community, everyone jumps on board and answers them. If you do have something that's super personal that you want us to kind of mediate and put in there anonymously for you, we can also do that as well. So you just have to hit us up on Instagram and send it to us in a DM. But anyway, we are going to get straight into this.

I've got a good one. Should we? well i was gonna well i was gonna say like there's been what's happening in the bachelor world there's just so much well we don't have to get into it we talk about our stuff the batch world has gone nuts tim and anna the original from the bachelor franchise they were the very beginning they were the ogs and they've just had a little baby girl that they called l so that's pretty exciting news love is not dead guys also lisa who was from my season and also elise who was the runner-up from my season both of them just got engaged the other day which is really beautiful

I'm happy that everyone's happy I want to know what ends well I want to know what water they're drinking and where do I find that you're just on the wrong season you need to wait one more year and then everyone starts procreating and getting married yes absolutely I'll sit tight okay anything else you want to touch on before we jump in no I feel good now I got that off my chest you're great I'm an international student I have been in Australia for four years currently I've been with my boyfriend for two years. My student visa ends in six months and the idea was always to do a partner visa together. However, after approaching the topic the other day, I found out he doesn't want to do a visa with me anymore and he says we need more time as just a couple.

What do I do? Am I wasting my time with someone who doesn't want to commit to me? I could study again, yes, but it will make me unhappy. I don't want to, but he thinks I should just suck it up. The backstory, we've had a couple of massive fights a few months back and I thought things were fine now but he's still holding on to the arguments and he's brought it up during the visa chat also i'm in my 30s so i'm ready for the commitment thanks in advance so britain i actually had to like troubleshoot this one beforehand because both of us were like we googled this is a real pickle dickle i have a few feelings about a couple of different parts of this like my first question is i think if you're here and you're in australia the reason is the reason that

you want to stay for the relationship or do you really want to stay in the country regardless like would you if if everything broke up and you guys weren't together would you find a way to stay here because this is where you want to live and that's a really important question because then I think it doesn't really matter about the partner visa so much you can make those decisions and you can make those actions for yourself however if the reason that you're here is because you are only here for the relationship then this is a really really shitty situation and there's a lot more to unpack there I also have multiple feelings on multiple paragraphs of this discussion of this question I don't like that you guys have had a discussion that you know once you finish your

study you will go on to the partner visa so you can stay and I don't like that he's backtracked on that having said that he's totally allowed to he's his feelings have changed obviously something's happened he's unsure what upsets me a little bit is that there's not really any meeting halfway it's pretty bad for him to say just keep studying for another four years or something until I'm ready like you don't want to study you've done your degree and and I get that and I understand that you don't want to continue down the studying path and I don't think you should have to if you just want to stay in the country maybe you need to look at other options and Laura and I did have a hot google search there are other options other than continuing to study and other than

getting a partner visa so Laura what are they yeah so okay we both weren't 100% on this and so we were like okay what other options surely there has to be another option after studying and so there is also a post-study work visa which is a subclass 485 the post-study work visa is normally a two-year visa which has unrestricted work rights it's available to applicants who have completed two years of full-time study in Australia for the award of a certain qualification and this goes on to say like maybe a bachelor degree or higher for some people who have completed a trade qualification they might be eligible for this as well now look I know that that is not the plan and that's not where you thought this trajectory was going to go but there's so many other parts

of this question to unpack like the fact that you said you had some massive fights six months ago and like we don't know what those fights were about we have no idea what those fights were about maybe that was a bit of a trigger and a warning to him that he was like there are some red flags here that I don't feel 100% comfortable and confident in so yeah it's unfair for him to turn around and say well you just have to start keep studying and suck it up however you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do and if he's not ready to commit to you if he's not ready to go on a spousal visa or a partner visa or whatever it is you can't force him into that and you shouldn't want to force him into that either you need to take control of this

situation for yourself make decisions that are going to make you happy in the long run and really figure out what it is that you want from this and I think sit down and have a really honest conversation with your partner and ask him if he wants to be with you like is this because you know he needs more time to decide on it and in which case put parameters around what that extra time might look like and if it's because he's not sure about the relationship or if you for example said I'm not going to study and that might mean I leave the country what's his reaction going to be to that you know I think that there are lots of different avenues that you can have conversations around to really get to the bottom of what the problem is not just him saying oh you need to go

on another study visa so that we can just stay in this limbo forever the fact is too I totally get it you're in your 30s you're ready for something more you're ready for something serious you you've done your study. I, I, my advice just before Laura would have said it was 100%. I would say to him, I love you. I want to be with you. I absolutely do not want to study. It will make me miserable, which in turn is going to reflect on your relationship. If you're that happy in every other aspect of your life, you're going to take that home. You're going to resent him. You're going to hold onto a lot of anger. So it's not good. Say to him, I love you. I want to be with you, but I really, really don't want to study. If you don't want to commit to me with this visa,

it means I go home what do you want to do have the conversation and you're not trying to bend his arm and put him in a hard place but it's worth just seeing what his reaction is and if he's willing to talk about it and meet you halfway because if he's not like that's a bit of a red flag too yeah and also like the reality is you are in your 30s not not that you don't just want to put your relationship life on hold but you don't want to put your work life on hold either you know like you progressing your career you progressing in your aspirations you being able to get that dream job that you always wanted you don't need to continue studying continue racking up a student debt just because you want to stay for a relationship that that ends up costing you a lot

more than it costs him and he really doesn't have to contribute anything for that to work out so I think you have to make decisions that are for yourself you have to put yourself first in this situation not what he wants not even necessarily the relationship because he's not coming to the table at all so I really think like figure out your reasons for wanting to stay and then look at making the best decisions that are for you and not necessarily for him which is going to be hard especially when you're in love with him because sometimes it can feel like oh I don't want to start again but if he's not giving you the commitment and the reassurance that you need and that you want and what you expect at this point in your relationship then there's some big big

fucking decisions to make well actually this is interesting too so i i have a friend um and i was just only speaking to her in the last two weeks she is australian and her partner is from england and they've been together a long time he is here on a partner visa they're not married but they're on the visa they've had a house together and like it's very serious she doesn't want to be with him anymore she the relationships run its course she still loves him but she's like i don't i don't want the relationship anymore she's like but I have this immense pressure and I feel like I can't leave because if I do he has to go home because he's on the visa for the partner visa and it's a whole nother ball game when you leave a partner visa you have to go and try and get a sponsorship

or there's still ways you can stay but it's not once you finish your relationship and you make you notify the government and that's it unless you can find another way to stay that they're like your visa's ended easy to say like oh well he should just go on a relationship visa he should just go on a spousal visa if he's not sure about the relationship if he is having doubts one he needs to be transparent about those doubts so that you're both across it and that nothing is like you know a surprise to you but if he has some doubts about the relationship it would be unfair of him to to commit to a spousal visa only for in a few months or a year's time to turn around and say actually I knew this wasn't the right thing at all and I'm gonna pack up now and you have to

leave the country because that's gonna make it a hell of a lot harder for you to take control of the situation at least at the moment you have other options you can choose to study you can choose to like apply for permanent residency at some point in time there are other avenues that are available to you but going on a spousal visa and then having that withdrawn because you guys break up could make your life a hell of a lot more complicated in the long run well i think it's better for you anyway it's a it's not going to put pressure on him to stay in a relationship but b it's not going to put pressure on you to stay in a relationship either you might change your mind and not want to be with him and then you're like shit I'm stuck here in this relationship

because I don't want to go home if there is another way for you to stay in the country that's not jumping into this partner visa which we've looked and there is I would definitely 100% go down that avenue live your life for you and whatever happens with your partner will happen I love that we just came full circle on this because at the start I was kind of like this guy's a dick and then I'm like do you know what maybe it's a bit dickish but like you just do you girlfriend it's a bit dickish but it's like a bit of an entitled dickish so I don't think he's handled it the right way but he's entitled to his feelings and his opinions 100 100 we are fully in agreeance so we are agreeing that it is like it's not class a dick it's class d dick it's like

semi semi acceptable dick like a semi dick okay we'll go with a semi he's just a semi okay anyways um okay question number two guys i feel like we've covered that as well as we could possibly do it especially for two people who have never tried to apply to live in another country sounds like a fucking headache okay this one is a really really quick one but I think it's a great I think it's such an important question we've all we've all struggled with this at one point or another or maybe just me oh god here we go so it's like how soon is it a question literally it's pretty much that except it's how soon is too soon to move on okay so how soon is too soon to move on after a breakup okay this for me is super easy there's literally no time frame there's no right or wrong

yeah girl i'm gonna agree with you people people like when people start dating again i used to be like this when i was younger i used to see people move on really quickly sometimes i still do and i check myself i have to check myself a little bit sometimes people move on and i catch myself being like oh my god she was only with him like three weeks ago three weeks ago okay like there is some time frame yeah i think the next day is probably not good like you can't walk out of his house and going to someone else's house no i mean when i say like i say there's no right or wrong as long as you can get yourself into a place where you're doing it for yourself and you're comfortable and you've moved on not to fill a space not to feel validated not for any other reason other than

you're ready for some people you might walk out of a relationship and in a week you're ready because unknowingly you had checked out of that relationship six months ago so whilst to the wider community, they look at you and think she was in love and married a month ago. And now she's with someone else when really in your mind, you've been broken up for six months. Yeah. A hundred percent. Like Britt, you just completely nailed it. I think the most important thing when you come out of a relationship and before you get into a new relationship is to really check in with yourself, do some damage control and make sure that you're okay. And that you are recovered from that relationship and like you know if you're still working through your shit if you're still

hurting and you're just using someone to fill a space because you don't want to feel lonely or if you're just using someone because it makes you feel good about yourself it makes you feel pretty again it makes you feel wanted then they're all the wrong reasons to be in a relationship but if you have genuinely come out of something and like who knows it could be that you came out of a six-month relationship that you were never really invested in in the first place but it could be that you come out of a marriage very different they both take such hugely different time spaces to get over. I do think that there are times where, you know, that when you're in a relationship, something clicks and you're like, this is not what I want in my life. And then

crazy and opportunistically something else comes along and it just works. And it's just easy. And you don't have to think about it. And you're like, ah, these are all the things that were missing in my past relationship. And that's what makes it work so well. And you know, the timeframe and timeline completely goes out the window. My other thought as well is like, okay, you might need to think a little bit more about whether or not getting in a relationship straight away is a good idea. And maybe you do need to do some healing. You're welcome to fuck the paint away. That's what I think anyway. Like you are absolutely entitled to, you know, be intimate with someone, um, to have casual sex, to have one night stands. So long as you're once again,

not doing it as a damage control, or you're not doing it as a way of like filling a void. If you're doing it because you're having fun, if you're doing it because you feel independent and liberated and you're enjoying yourself and you're getting something out of it, you are absolutely entitled to do that after breakup. I think that, you know, for a lot of people being intimate and meeting new people and going dating, that that's a great way of actually just getting yourself back out there, but it doesn't work for everyone. And you really need to be aware of who you are as a person, how codependent you are as a person and how independent you are and figure that shit out for yourself because every single person's tolerance is going to be different. But also

even these hookups and one night stands and everything it's all well and good to say that but if you're still not ready for it it makes you feel like shit it's a band-aid you go and think you're like you know i'm just gonna go and get over it by getting under it love that do that and you're not ready you'll have a great time while you're there you'll go home and you will feel terrible you'll feel like shit you'll feel like you'll feel like you don't have self-worth and this is just because you're not there physically mentally spiritually holistically every part of you is just not ready for it so you'll you'll judge yourself for it and you'll feel bad i also want to touch on the fact that whilst some people can walk out of a relationship

and walking to another one like we were speaking at the beginning of the episode about all these terms for relationships there is a big one that we've spoken about a few times laura has done it her whole life before she's a bachelor monkey branching branching you can't monkey branch monkey branching is literally when a lot of people don't end their relationship until there's another the one lined up, which I think is terrible. It's unfair on everyone involved. And I have friends that do this. I know people that they've checked out of their relationship sometimes for a year, but they won't end it until they know that the next person's there because they're so codependent. They're not okay on their own and they don't want to be on their own. They're scared.

They need someone to love them. And this is disastrous. Like this type of behavior and dating behavior is never going to work out. Yeah. It's super toxic. And look in the defense of people who monkey branch and this is Laura I'm gonna say this sometimes it's not a conscious thing it's not that you like and I never did it as a conscious thing in my past relationships I wasn't sitting around in my relationship being like well this one's over just gonna wait for some other hot guy to come along like that was never ever my intention but I was incredibly codependent in my relationships and I struggled being alone and I felt my worst when I was alone because I had to deal with my own junk you know that's when that stuff really comes to the surface

for some people. And so it wasn't until I had met somebody else that I was like, Oh, this is what it's like to have feelings again. And it wasn't until I broke that cycle that I looked back on my dating life and I was like, Oh, that's what I was doing. Like I recognize that now in retrospect. And I think that that's probably the, one of the biggest things is that sometimes when you're in it and sometimes when you're doing it, you can't identify the behavior as being toxic or the behavior as being unhealthy for you. So you might say, Oh yeah, I'm totally fine with one night stands and going out and exactly what Brit said, getting under it to get over it. But because you're so in it, you might not see how that's actually not great for you and how it does make

you feel like shit and how it is damaging for you. So I really do think, like I said at the very beginning is like, once you come out of a breakup, no matter what that breakup is, you really need to sit with yourself and genuinely figure out how you feel and really unpack why it didn't work, what you want differently next time and how you're going to navigate this period of like redefining your identity and what you want for yourself because this is such an incredible place of growth I think like some of the most amazing growth that we do as people comes from being heartbroken comes from when you know your life gets thrown into this turmoil and it's all restarting again and what you thought was a certainty is now no longer going to happen

you really get this period of rediscovery. So don't fucking waste it by jumping in bed with the next person who isn't a great guy, who is exactly the same as your ex or like who has all the same characteristics when you can choose better for yourself. That would be my biggest advice. So make sure you're not repeating the same mistakes and you're giving yourself time to actually heal from that. Being there, lived it, can tell the tales. So yeah, I mean, like, like we said, there is no definitive timeframe as to what is acceptable to rebound from a relationship however if you're using the word rebound that might be the problem that might be where the issue is all right we've covered that one all right okay question number three i could

talk for so long i have a lot of feelings about no i know me too because i'm the opposite brit is like eight years and it is acceptable time to be single before you get into your next relationship yeah absolutely like when i think of monkey branch you know i'm like going from jungle to jungle not from tree to tree lol you're crossing the savannah right now just waiting for the next tropical rainforest to come along waiting for the next migration it's just i can jump on one of those beasts lol oh my god please i'd like to hear more about the beasts you've been jumping on brit there have been none actually i'm back you know what i get someone gets too close to me and then i do a runner um okay next question good go back and listen to the attachment styles if you haven't

listened to that that's where britney really unpacked some junk from her past mine is the detachment style so how do you attach yourself to a lover i don't i don't i like to detach myself from reality i just like to yeah so i live alone gonna get you some cats babe love that for me okay question number three you guys know this is our short sharp episode well we will like bang on for a bit longer than we're meant to this is actually the last question for today i've been with my partner for almost five years we had kids very quickly into our relationship we have two under four i have recently discovered in his emails emails from the dating site plenty of fish which are dating back to 2018 so they were

obviously together then two years ago they were together then yeah so 2020 take two is 2018 i can do the math people i've managed to log into his account with my great detective skills and found that he had a profile in a regional suburb where he traveled for work with a different name etc but no picture on there. I'm assuming he has deleted a picture. It had no messages in the inbox. I assume they have also been deleted. Recently there has been some forgotten password emails as well for the account. I also found some emails from a site called friends with benefits as well. Yep are you feeling as sick as me? How do I approach this as I know he will make up some whack story and turn it back on me. If we didn't have the kids I know it would be a no-brainer but

it makes everything so much harder i'm i'm currently taking the not react straight away approach until i know how to approach it but i know i can't sit on this for too long before i punch him in the face thanks girls help whoa i feel a lot of things me too okay all right let's start from the beginning we started at the bottom now we're here she's found she's found that he's got plenty of fish dating site that's back from 2018 which has nothing on it but she's been getting recovery emails from it which means he's trying to log into the account i'm just going to jump i'm going to jump ahead i'm not going to start at the beginning oh okay i'm going to start no i'm going to like like start at the end work backwards i have a very skewed like vision of

this because i am the product of divorce my my mom has been married and divorced my mom's been married three times divorced twice my dad's been divorced three times so i do not think that staying for your children is a good enough reason to stay in a relationship I think if there is no trust and there is no love then just saying oh we're staying for the kids or kids make things more complicated a hundred percent they make things more complicated it's absolutely like out of this world difficult when you have children it doesn't make it impossible and it is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship where you do not have trust and you no longer love your partner so I think the most important question that you need to figure out for yourself right

now is can you forgive your partner for cheating if that's what's happened and can you have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and what the two of you want moving forward because I do genuinely believe that you can overcome cheating I do think that you can overcome infidelity in a relationship you both have to absolutely want that and there has to be a lot of conversation and a lot of transparency to get back to a place where it's healthy and obviously there's no trust here at the moment and there's a lot of lying and a lot of deception and the fact that you know when you say so I found this profile from 2018 it doesn't have a photo I'm assuming he deleted it it doesn't have any messages I'm assuming he deleted it the problem that happens

when we assume things is we can make the situation so much worse in our heads than what it may have been and like I'm not I'm not downplaying what this guy's done like he he is 100% in the wrong and you have so many reasons to punch him in the face I mean don't but you have so many reasons to but by you assuming that he's done extra things on top of what you have physically seen you're only going to make that situation worse for yourself I think in the long run because you can't argue with something that you don't have proof on and you can't throw accusations around because he's obviously going to defend himself and say that's not what happened but I really really think for anybody if you find out that your partner has set up a dating profile while

you're together with them like that's cheating regardless of whether he acted on it or didn't act on it that is cheating and you need to sit down and have a conversation around intent why did he feel like he needed to do that why has he kept it from you for so long why is he re-accessing it and how are you going to move forward from this what do you want do you want to stay in this relationship because the two of you want this or are you only there for the kids and if you're only there for your kids then that's your answer oh I had feelings all right it's my turn I am going to start in the middle. Hold me back, Brittany.

Hold me back. I'm going to start in the middle. I mean, as a product of a very loving relationship, I can't comment on divorce, but I'm also a product of dating a narcissistic sociopath that cheated, so I can comment on that. All right. I just like don't know where to start.

Britt looks so angry right now, guys. Actually, the last Ask Uncut we did, I thought Britt was going to stab someone, and this time she's looking just as riled up. Like she has this little twitch in the side of her eye that you can't see but it's there it's raging the two things that i want to jump on first that really stuck out to me one is firstly i didn't even know there was a site called friends with benefits what the fuck um not only has he got a normal dating site but he's got another site

that's purely for sex so obviously the dating site people are going to be looking more for relationships but he's also gone and logged onto a site that is going to be purely like no attachment hookups that's a huge huge alarm whether he even went and hooked up with anyone or not i mean maybe you'll never know because even if you do ask him it sounds like he's not going to be honest with you but it's beside the point no that's what i'm this is my point i'm with you he's gone and done it secondly the thing that um really really really struck a chord is where you said you don't know how to approach it because you know he's going to turn it back on you 100 girl you go and approach that he will turn it back on you because that is a that is a prime characteristic of someone that

is on the defensive wait the best defense is a good offense is that it i don't know the best offense is a good defense but he's going basically if somebody if somebody's attacking you the best thing to do is turn it around on them i mean it's the worst thing to do but it's the easiest way of reacting well it's called deflection he's not going to admit to it you're going to confront him and i can guarantee you he will turn around and say what were you doing in my emails why were you looking at my emails he'll make you feel bad for finding out the information that got him in trouble. Don't fold on that. You are completely entitled. And you know what? It's actually irrelevant how you came across it. That's the information there. It's not tit for tat. We're

not saying that, but you 100% are entitled to confront him and you don't have to go in all out of a gate. You don't have to go in aggressive. You can literally sit there and it's actually more powerful to have a really, really calm conversation where you call him out. he'll go into panic mode when you're you know when your parents are like when you've done something wrong and your parents go mad at you and they're yelling at you and you're like oh soz but you don't really care but when they come in calm and they're like i'm so disappointed it's gut-wrenching you're like oh my god so i think you need to come and say to him i want you to tell me the truth that's what i would say don't even show him first say have you been seeing other people have you

cheated on me and he'll probably deny and say look i'm giving you the opportunity here to work through this as adults and be honest with me because I know that you have so tell me don't tell him what you found this is my advice don't say I found this there were no emails whatever say I know it's happened I'm giving you the opportunity to tell me that's what I would say and then go from there but you are 100% entitled to go in and question him and not worry about what he's going to say back to you and I guess like with what Britt's saying here like in regards to saying you don't have to tell him what you've come across straight away like I think that there is a that's little bit of a dangerous territory in that you don't want to be playing games to try and trick

him into telling you what he's done like I I'm I'm kind of like that could backfire that could become a problem in itself oh that's what I did it worked well because he ended up telling me more than I knew that was the point because he's like well she knows everything yeah and look I mean a hundred percent like it could work out very well for you but I feel like there is like a level there of you're trying to trick them into getting that information out of them obviously obviously what's the problem tell me where the problem is but I I think that you can't like exactly what Britt said and be like you know I know that that something has happened here and I want to I want the information but the reality is is that he by doing what he has done it's a form of cheating

it's a form of infidelity infidelity comes in so many different shades and colors and scales of like you know this is really bad this is not quite so bad it comes in the full spectrum so even the fact that he has these dating sites that is a form of cheating there is so much that you need to talk about there's so much that you need to figure out the biggest thing that you need to figure out is can you trust your partner moving forward do you think that trust is something that you can rebuild and if it's not then this is not the relationship that you should stay in because it's going to get very toxic it's going to be really destructive for your mental health and you deserve so much better you deserve so much better from someone that you spent four years

with and have two children with. It's just not a way to live the rest of your life. And I really think that you can make sacrifices and say, oh, well, he's doing this and I have to stay because we have kids and it's a lot harder. But if you don't have trust at the end of the day, and if he's not able to be faithful, can't be transparent, won't go to couples counseling, won't work through these things with you, then he's not somebody who's going to change. The other thing I want to say as well is if he does deflect and try and make this about you going through his emails yes you shouldn't have gone through his emails but it is the lesser of two crimes here like let's just be very very clear what you did comes from a place of lack of trust and that lack of trust

has been brought about by his actions so at the end of the day if he tries to make that the point of the conversation like we said you really have to hold your ground explain that that's not the conversation we're having right now that there's a reason you felt the insecurity that you felt there's a reason that you know you ended up doing the digging that you did and yes you need to both work on the fact that there's no trust left in the relationship but that's a byproduct of his actions you 100% need to have a think about why you went through his emails in the first place is it something he's doing and he's making you feel like there's trust issues or are you just insecure and had trust issues anyway because that's I'm not I'm not saying what you did was right I'm not saying

what you did was wrong it is the lesser of two evils but there's something that's not right if you feel the need to be going through your partner's emails behind their back something's not right in the relationship like trust is the foundation of any single relationship so obviously whether he had done something yet or not something wasn't sitting right with you for you to go and pry into his emails and that's just something that you need to think about lots of people do that lots of people go and investigate because something doesn't feel right but you just need to ask yourself why yeah look I mean I've spoken about it on this podcast plenty of times I think that when there's smoke there's fire a lot of the time that when there's smoke there's fire I have

definitely been in relationships that have inflamed my crazy beyond a normal scale like it was off the path your eyes are so wide now as you're saying that just thinking about all the bushfires and how much crazy I had in me honestly it inflamed my crazy so bad that I was someone who went through my ex-partner's phone and I would check his messages and I would wait for an opportunity for him to be out of the room so I could go through his phone. Like I got to that point in a relationship. It's so unhealthy. And I think there's no coming back from it once you are there because the trust is just so far gone. But I would find things that were incriminating because I was always looking for them. Whereas now I'm in a relationship that never ever makes me feel

insecure. I never ever feel like I need to go through Matt's phone. And I did get to a point where I thought maybe this is me. Like maybe this problem is me and maybe it's my personality type that I'm very untrusting and I want to go through someone's phone. Like maybe that's my issue that I need to work on. And now that I'm in a really healthy, normal, stable relationship, I'm like, yeah, sure. It was absolutely my issue, but it was my issue because of the behaviors that were happening. You know, it was the things that he was doing that was making me feel crazy. However, I was choosing to stay. So yeah, check yourself, figure out what you want for yourself, figure out if it's salvageable. And if at the end of the day, you really want this relationship to work

and that's going to be your answer that's it boom thanks for coming to our ted talk do you know what i think's funny is that we're always like this is a really quick short sharp episode we always end up talking for like 50 minutes sometimes they are sometimes we're in and out and it's like 20 minutes but i mean if we feel passionate about something which is quite often we end up getting on a bit of a roll it's just so hard because you get to a point i think with relationships and like obviously things aren't going to be smooth sailing all the time we all know that like relationships have ebbs and flows they have really difficult periods and but I just think like we can waste so much time in relationships that are beneath us where we're not being treated the

way that we want to be treated the way that we deserve to be treated because we're hoping that things will change and we're hoping and we're almost like oh think about how great this relationship would be if they would just be the person that I want them to be you have to be open and open your eyes up to the person that they are not to the person or the potential that you think they have so if that's what you're doing right now then check yourself also I think sometimes we put things in the too hard basket don't we we're like oh my god imagine I have a house we have um a holiday booked it's in a too hard basket like I can't leave now you know people are really unhappy with themselves and they stay because of situations yeah but then you end up

putting your life on hold and you're just prolonging the inevitable but I I really think back on my past and I think so many times I fell in love with people because of the potential I thought they had not because of the person that they were yeah what they could be yeah and I would hold and I would stay and stay for years because I was like I know that there's something good in you and I know that like you know we can get there eventually but we were never actually quite there and I look back on it and I'm like don't waste your time fucking trying to make somebody a better person when you could just be with someone who's great and they make you happy and you're happy and everything is easy and life should look it's not always going to be easy i'm not going to say

that but life shouldn't be that hard all the fucking time that's my thoughts guys that's it we are tapping out for today i'm slowly going to turn her microphone volume down she's going to keep talking but she won't know this she's not being recorded anyway guys thanks for listening to another episode thanks for listening to life uncut ask uncut therapy thursday edition we've Loved having you. We'll see you again on Tuesday for another big, meaty episode. If you love us, guys, you know the drill. Hit five stars, subscribe, leave a review, tell your mum to,

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