Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - "I've Been Completely Excluded From My Friendship Group"

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany, and we are another year older officially. Oh, congratulations. What was it, 32 again? Yeah, we're going with that. We're going with that. Keish, you were just breadcrumbing a bit of a birthday story question. Yeah, I kind of have realized that I've actually ended up with my own Ask Uncut, so I hope that you guys don't mind.

Starting point is 00:00:32 This is the episode where we unpack all of your questions and dilemmas, and I have one of my own. Last week, it was your and my birthday, Britt. And in the lead up to my birthday, to be honest, one thing that I like about myself is that I am pretty good with- One thing I like about myself? It's because I don't like the opposite. You know when your birthday's coming up and your partner says to you, or even maybe your

Starting point is 00:00:53 parents or someone that you're close with, they're like, hey, what do you want for your birthday? Someone that you kind of assume you're going to get a present from. Yes, we did unpack this last week when Britt said to Ben nothing and then she received nothing and then she was mad about it. Dude, what were you doing? So sometimes honesty is the best policy in these equations. Well, I've gone to the point where I've sent an email before with links.

Starting point is 00:01:10 I'm like, here are all the things I like. I would never. Yeah, that's aggressive. Is it? Yeah. I've even said like in size, you know. I have never asked for a gift. I will always say don't worry about it.

Starting point is 00:01:22 And that's my problem with Ben. even if I know someone's going to get me present I'm not going to tell them what I want because I just don't have that in me I will just be like I will just accept if you want to get me something that's fine I feel like it's because it's practical I'm like this is something I want to buy for myself anyway so like if you are going to get me something at least get me something that you know I really enjoy I'm going to get use out of so yeah I see I struggle with that as well which also it never results well so I mean an example of this is my mum always asks what do you want and unless you send her something specific you get nothing so my sister always

Starting point is 00:01:52 sends her she'll be like I want this pair of shoes or I want this bag or I want this I don't think my sister's ever not gotten a birthday present and I don't think I've ever received a birthday present she's proactive yeah literally it's my own fault is what my mom would say but can we just sit in this for a minute have we ever actually unpacked like how crazy it is that we get gifts because we were born you didn't do anything your mom if anything your birthday your parents should get the gift they birthed you and raised you know what I mean like why do we give each other presents just because someone birthed you. Because life is hard Brit and we survived another year of it. God damn it. Celebrate me. Why are you trying to get us less gifts? What are you doing? I don't

Starting point is 00:02:29 know. I've always had a hard time understanding it. Anyway, continue. What's the problem? Okay. So this year I have a TV in my bedroom and I like that. No one clicked on your links this year. That's what it is. Yeah. No one clicked on my bloody links. So the TV that I've had in my room, I've had for over 10 years now and it's starting to not work basically. So I was like, okay, I think it's time to upgrade. I would like a TV. The one that I want is quite expensive. So I'd said i would like money to go towards this particular tv i want one of the like you know the frame ones that look like artwork and so they're expensive okay so i was like a contribution to that would be great i'll make the difference i don't know this is to my boyfriend it's so funny

Starting point is 00:03:07 i want a contribution to my tv so so i thought i was trying to be like it's not like i was expecting the whole amount anyway i said this months beforehand it comes around to birthday time and we have moved into our new house a couple of months ago and out the back we have our own outdoor gym and it's got some of his and to be honest I've used it twice like it's his thing he really likes working out so that's kind of his area and he's got all of his working out equipment and he's put a lot of money into this gym right anyway so it comes around to birthday time and he he gifted me over a thousand dollars worth like a ridiculous amount of money much more than the TV was ever going to be, worth of my own gym equipment

Starting point is 00:03:51 to go in our own home gym so that we can work out together. And he was like, happy birthday. So you got gym equipment, which you would use. That's a subtle dig. But you did it. That's offensive. That's second to unpack. My question kind of surrounds the fact that I ended up talking

Starting point is 00:04:09 to him about it and I was like, oh, you know, you said the money for the TV and he's like, oh, I can give you a little bit, but, you know, the gym equipment was really expensive. And I was like, but I didn't want the gym equipment. And he's like, but you're going to use it. You actually have already used it and it's going to be really nice for us to use it together.

Starting point is 00:04:23 That's what I got you for your birthday. And I was like, but I didn't ask for that. I didn't send you the link for that. I didn't request it. Was that on the list? It was not on the email. And I'm kind of wondering if you are someone who is specific and reasonable with your gift requests, can the person

Starting point is 00:04:41 that you've sent it to, being your partner, not get you that? And, yeah, I think I'm on Tobin's side. Really? Completely. Yeah. I actually am. You sound really ungrateful. I love you.

Starting point is 00:04:54 It's also cute. I love you so much. No, because, like, he's doing something that you can do together. He's like, we can go and work out together. He's just like, I don't want to fucking work out. I want to lie in my bed and watch TV. That's exactly how I feel. I think at the end of the day what he's done is said, okay, cool,

Starting point is 00:05:10 I'm going to get her something that I know she will use and we can do it together. It's time spent together. it's quality time over maybe contributing to something that's going to take you away to your separate room to your separate tv where it's not quality time i the only thing i would unpack from this is is i think gym equipment yeah exactly i don't think that he's done anything wrong in like you know deviating from the specificness of what you asked for i think the question is is is gym equipment offensive no it's not is it the same as like giving someone an iron or like a vacuum

Starting point is 00:05:40 gym or I don't know that to me is like it's a presumptuous gift no you didn't want gym equipment because Keisha has no it's not and I'm going to defend Toblerone here no I want to go back to Laura's question maybe maybe some people a hundred percent depending on the situation but Keisha's been saying for a long time she wants to get back into weights and she needs to start like doing those workouts and she hasn't been doing the gym and like you've been saying that a lot and you do oh that's your own problem but I didn't want to actually do anything about it I just want to say that I don't have any motivation. All I want to do is sit in my room and watch TV.

Starting point is 00:06:11 I just want to complain about it. Yeah, maybe I am an ungrateful shrew. Maybe I need to reassess. I would go home and give him a kiss and say thank you. I can't wait for the messages I'm going to get from people being like, are you joking? That is a really generous, it is such a generous amount of money. That's why I'm kind of like, why did you spend so much on something

Starting point is 00:06:29 that I didn't actually want? It's generous because if you have been talking about wanting to do it, it would imply that actually in fact you did want it and he's trying to help you achieve something that you want to achieve the problem in this equation is you but we love you and it's your birthday go off queen i don't know what i got from ben yet so maybe we can revisit that next week because we record this i can't wait i'm assuming it arrives tonight i don't know what it is or if anything is arriving but i i'm gonna be away for the weekend so i won't you know i'll oh you're on the edge of your seat. I hope you also enjoy your gym equipment. Anyway, it's not my vibe for

Starting point is 00:07:05 the week. Maybe the TV will end up being my vibe. Okay. Speaking of vibes, guys, I have got a killer one. Great. Okay. So hear me out. Most of you will know who this person is, but you won't know her by name. Her name is Elizabeth Tekkenbrock. That will ring no bells. But do you remember the woman that went viral? Like, I think it was like a hundred million views on TikTok. Do you remember the woman that was filming herself at the kitchen bench making a cake and muffins for herself on her birthday and crying into camera saying I'm making muffins for my kids to give me so that I'm a single mom and they know the feeling of happiness and giving do you remember that woman no but you don't know are you okay you must be under a rock it was kind of about the mental load that

Starting point is 00:07:50 particularly single parents have to because to make things special which they want their children to feel special about their birthdays they also have to create the magic for their own birthday so that their kid can you know gift them things they're kind of doing all of the work for their own birthday so it was like a it was a i mean go and have a look at the video if you don't it's very easy to find it shot her into the stratosphere and made her somebody because she was i guess she was a no one right and when i say no one just an everyday woman so she's horrifically crying and there are some people that sort of jumped on board and were like i feel you i'm a single mom too it's so hard because she's like here I am at 10 at night making my own birthday cake just

Starting point is 00:08:27 so my kids can feel that what it's like to give a cake you know single mom she always talks about how shit her husband was and anyway shot into the stratosphere now what this did because it went so viral it caused an unraveling like nothing I have ever seen there is a podcast series based on this woman now called her name's elizabeth and the podcast series is called elizabeth l-i-e-s lies elizabeth i am just repeating what the podcast is alleging we are not going to put this out here that it is foolproof but there is so much evidence in it but like all allegedly it is like an adelvie level you know inventing anna this is the biggest scam artist you this woman you have ever seen so she outed herself it is like nothing you can imagine she has faked cancers she scams everyone

Starting point is 00:09:19 she comes into she's a compulsive liar she has created 25 personas to steal money from people she's pretending she's faking to be a doctor did she make her own birthday cakes was she a single mum she's a single mum because she's not allowed to have the kids because she's such a psycho like what she has done to her ex-husband it's insane and the unraveling happened because that video went viral so many people started coming out being like hang on she's not a yeah and these journalists have gone into this deep dive speaking to the people oh my god that's such a good one oh you you'll be hook line and sinker like I was I've got goosebumps thinking about it that unraveling of what she did the people she would fake the email she would fake she was having multiple

Starting point is 00:10:03 relationships at the same time she the way she gaslit her husband and the way she treated her husband and it was the other way like she was accusing him of domestic violence she got caught like googling pictures of domestic violence and she would post about it she was ruining people's lives and her parents have come out being like we told you guys everyone has told you but she's such a master manipulator anyway I looked her up again and she's still posting online she's like wow it's just like nothing you've ever seen I cannot I like that some visual antis have just taken on a podcast against her well because I guess imagine if no this person is scamming she scammed one guy out of his life savings like five hundred thousand dollars he can't retire anymore

Starting point is 00:10:43 and it's not one person it's every person she's ever come into contact with really good friends babysitters lawyers real estate agents it's a wild story and I haven't felt this hooked by a podcast in a long time it just shows how easy it is to actually create a persona on social media like you can be whoever you want to be and then it questions that whole conversation around authenticity like what is authenticity we want to relate to people because we think that we authentically connect with them but some people have learnt the power of weaponizing vulnerability to be able to garner likes and to garner attention and media and everything else like we see it play out all the time and I think that weaponization of vulnerability is such a powerful tool on social

Starting point is 00:11:22 media now you both will love it and it's almost like something we might even unpack at a later date but everyone go and listen to it so we can talk about it in the discussion group what's it called he lies a birth and lies is in capitalist okay okay all right well look i have one it is kid related and it's kind of a flow on from something i recommended a few weeks back and had loads of questions about and i also recommended brit to go and buy one the other day for her niece maya which i did so a couple of weeks ago i recommended what is called a yoto which is like a little screen free player that you can put cards into and we use them when we're traveling now interestingly i was like brit go and buy one for maya it's a great first year birthday present

Starting point is 00:11:59 and Britt's sister Sherry was like we don't need that we have what's called a Tony's now if you're a parent you'll know what both of these things are but in our household we have both of them and a Tony's player is something that like we only recently bought but we don't use it for travel so much so we have this set up in the girl's bedroom it's a tiny little box player like this and it doesn't need cards or anything like that it's really great for smaller children so if you have like one-year-olds two-year-olds it comes with and you can buy all these different toys like plastic figurines and you pop them on top there's a magnetized bottom to them and then it just starts automatically playing the story or the songs or whatever is loaded into that toy and

Starting point is 00:12:38 it's really good for little kids who don't have the dexterity to do something that's a bit more complicated and like our girls for us the reason why I freaking love it is because it bides us another hour in the morning like they wake up well before we want to get up on a weekend and they'll try and come into our bed and then they go and put your tonies on and they go back into their room and they pick a toy and they stick it on and like there's everything there's disney characters there's like learning characters there's like music it's honestly it has such a good range of really beautiful stories but also just no screens so like they can go and entertain themselves you don't have to be worried about what they're doing and it occupies them for hours

Starting point is 00:13:16 yeah it's a good gift yeah it's a great gift there are all those reports of the fact that reading to kids is like declining a lot and that kind of thing so at least they're getting story time oh I don't know if this replaces story time I don't know if like listening to an audio book replaces parents reading to your children but it replaces like I mean it just gives you a moment to claw back a bit of your morning time especially if your kids are kind of in that three to four year old age group or four year old like Lola can be up and wandering around doing stuff in the house she's four right she doesn't need to be like eagle-eyed supervised all the time but she also needs to be entertained she's bored 5 30 a.m she doesn't want to just entertain herself and like

Starting point is 00:13:53 look at a toy. So like she's now able to like take a little bit of autonomy in the mornings and we just get back a bit of time. So nice. Yeah, that sounds really great. My vibe this week is it's a little obscure and it's kind of a bit of pleasure porn. So I know that I'm really into my renovation content at the moment. This is not an instructional Instagram account. It is called Danny underscore Sandhouse. Now he is a flooring wizard. So he's this guy from the UK and he goes into a lot of these homes that he's in are like over a hundred years old. Some of them are like well over a hundred years old. And he goes and he's like the sand floor man. So he kind of, I was trying to think of how to explain this. He does glow ups to flooring. The pleasure that I

Starting point is 00:14:37 get from seeing the process of this being done and the transformation that you see of these homes, it's not because I'm going to do it myself. It's not like these are instructional and you've got to learn how to do it. It is just so deeply pleasuring watching the process of these things be transformed into these beautiful, beautiful artworks of floor. Do you know what's hilarious about this? It's just that you're so deep in renovation content now. The algorithm found me and I'm so glad that it did. Nothing better than before and afters. Yeah. In any capacity. Totally. There's another account that I follow called Satisfying Lawn. Like I don't give a shit about lawn, but it's just seeing the transformational process. I find it really

Starting point is 00:15:17 calming and really soothing and so I really think you guys if you're into that kind of thing it's just nice you know what there's a lot of shit on Instagram at the moment and this is really beautiful content that you just find a lot of a dopamine hit from. There's one that I follow which is all like tilers who retile heritage branders like you know you go have like your beautiful like Paddington-esque boutiques and they have that little tiled area in the front and I'll just sit there watching tile renovations but it's niche it is so beyond niche I think you're only there if you're someone who enjoys DIY. Yeah, I just do get a lot of dogs. Yeah, it's like the nichest thing ever, but I'm here for it. Thanks, Gage. I feel like your account is tiling one and Danny

Starting point is 00:15:56 should be friends. As always, our lives will be linked on the website and also in the show notes. All right, let's get into the questions. Okay, question number one. I find my husband super sexy in group settings or when he's away, but not when it's just us. That's terrible. That's avoidance right there. I've been, it's interesting though. There's some psychology behind that. I've been married to my husband for nearly two years, together for nine. I have been struggling with sexual chemistry for a while now.

Starting point is 00:16:25 My desire to show any intimacy in any form is basically non-existent. But here is the thing. Every time I see him come home from work in his business uniform, I really want to jump him. Every time he walks in late to our family friend catch-ups, I genuinely think he is so bloody attractive and I feel like a teenager again seeing my crush every time he's away for work I instantly want him back and all my sexual desires return why doesn't this transpire every time it's just me and him when it's actually the opportunity to have sex or when we're in bed together it's like he's a completely different person to me help I'm confused I mean I think

Starting point is 00:17:04 I don't even know how to help you with this I do I do have sex with your husband you want to but have do it when you feel it if there's a desire like if he's walked in the door and you think he's hot from work use that momentum like you literally say i want to jump his bones jump his bones yeah but maybe they've got kids and they're sitting at the table eating speedy bolognese from what you've said this is taking him two seconds just get in there it's not going to take him long like if he's not if you guys are not sexual and you say to him we are on trust me he's gonna be like hell yes oh do you know what it is though it's it's the comfort and familiarity like it's the fact that you're sitting on the couch you're both in sweatpants you're both like like

Starting point is 00:17:42 slopped into watching a tv show and you're like yeah we could have sex now can't be fucking bothered like i think it's partly you can talk about it being desire and chemistry and everything else and the other part is just that it's easy to not it's easy to sit there and just to choose not to do it to sleep and watch tv and the thing is is when you are like oh yeah like this is you know you're hot this is arousing it's also because you know you're not going to do it like you know you're not going to take that opportunity either so it's kind of like the I guess like the flirtation of the thing you're not going to be able to have I think in these instances and I've said this before on the pod and maybe I guess it's important because I think it really works for me sometimes

Starting point is 00:18:20 action precedes the feeling and I'm not saying that you should make yourself have sex when you don't want to have sex but okay how many times have you been like ah do you know what I would could just go to bed but then you're like I do love my husband and I definitely all right here we go and then you're like oh I fucking love doing this we should do this more you know like you go that's that's what happens a short story by Laura Byrne literally literally like can't be bothered should go to sleep oh I guess we're doing it uh oh that feels pretty good yeah guys I love you this is great then you think to yourself fuck I wish we did that more and then four days later you're like I'll buy myself another week I think we get lazy 100% we get lazy we get

Starting point is 00:19:02 complacent in our relationships we deprioritize sex because like unless you're actually doing it you kind of forget how much you enjoy it and the problem is only you can change that and actually it takes a bit of effort so for me this is not about you not desiring your husband it's not about you having you know a lack in chemistry necessarily it feels like a lack in effort well it also says like my desire to show any intimacy in any form is non-existent I guess I want to know why as well like do you have other issues in the relationship does he not pull his weight at home or you know do you guys fight a lot all of those things add up but if your relationship is great and you're just not feeling it I want to double down on what Laura

Starting point is 00:19:42 said and this stems back from a conversation we originally had with Esther Perel who is like you can create desire you don't just wake up and it's there like desire and foreplay she talks about foreplay starting from the second the intimacy ended the last time it should be 24 hours a day and it's not like you don't just go and finger him finger he doesn't just come and finger you and like sorry when was the last time you said Ben so what I'm trying to say is like we're not talking about the things we're not talking about foreplay over 24 hours like you don't just go and grab his dick and he doesn't just come and put a finger in that's not what we're talking about we're talking about rubbing the neck rubbing the back a kiss on the neck as

Starting point is 00:20:18 you walk past it's the little things that add up that you don't notice as one single thing but overarchingly so maybe there are parts of you and him that can start to like try and implement those little things again but desire is not something that is just going to come and smack you in the face yeah and if it does then you guys are very lucky but it is something that you have to work on and relationships are and do become hard work and something that doesn't become natural and easy like it was at the start like we know all the chemistry changes we know it's literally physiological changes that happen in your body and you 100% can get it back but maybe there's something that you can lean into in terms of if you love when he's away and when he walks in the

Starting point is 00:20:59 door in a business suit why don't you try some role play like why don't you try and I don't know he can dress up in the bedroom as a lawyer I don't know what it is but like I don't want you to give up on it because you seem to be confused that totally happens when he's not there and when you're in bed you don't want it like I do believe you can create it do you know what I actually think this is I don't think this is desire I think this is novelty everyone has a natural desire for novelty and for like different experiences you think about it it's so common for couples to be like oh we have so much more sex when we're on holidays because you're experiencing something different it's like exactly what you said it's just comfortability I think people feel

Starting point is 00:21:34 like they have to have sex on holidays yeah you're like we've got nothing else to do what are we gonna do guess we should have sex because we love each other well I don't know myself I am the type a person who craves a lot of novelty and I'm seeing that you know you're saying like when we're in these group settings like when you know we're doing different things when he's away when it's out of your routine you're like I get this these flutters I get this feeling and I think that you just have a bit of a craving for novelty which is totally normal I don't think there's a person on the planet that doesn't crave novelty so maybe like you said Britt maybe you can just try and introduce a little bit more novelty to your actual relationship rather than it being an

Starting point is 00:22:09 issue of desire you know totally have sex in the pantry I remember when I first got with Ben I should probably still be like this because we're long distance but I'm not like at the end of the day we're still three years deep yeah he would come home from work and I would be in like the hottest lingerie that Keisha had bought me to take over I would be in the hottest lingerie and like it would be on he would walk in that door and I was like and I had sent him photos throughout the days to build it so he knew what he was coming home to do the poor thing now comes home to not that absolutely not that that's something that that changes over time and like you do i could i have taken lingerie sexy lingerie the last four trips to ben it doesn't come out of my bag like

Starting point is 00:22:49 it's the intention is there but when you get there you're like it's easier to sit on the lounge and have dinner and watch tv and then all of a sudden you're not going to go get changed into lingerie and come back if you're going to have sex she's going to do it and i could go and do it and make the effort so i think that's the point of like it's normal what you're feeling but we can all go and put a little bit more energy in. All right, next question. Hi girls, am I being overly sensitive or is it completely okay that I feel devastated about this? I found out recently that my very close group of girlfriends created another group chat that I wasn't invited to. Now, the story behind this is one of my best friends has gone away for her 40th to Port Douglas

Starting point is 00:23:25 with two of our other girlfriends and I had absolutely no idea about it. I hadn't been invited, I only found out when I asked where she was when she didn't turn up to our kids' football game. She told me on the day that she had spoiled herself with a little trip to Port Douglas. However, she didn't mention who it was with, only that it was for her 40th. I asked her who she went with and she never replied despite having a huge conversation via text. I found out from another mom that she's gone away with two of our best friends. This has absolutely devastated me as I thought our friendship was on the same level and would never have thought that I would be excluded or that i wouldn't be invited or even for it to be mentioned to me i feel like it's been hidden

Starting point is 00:24:04 from me i feel like completely shutting down what should i do i just don't trust them anymore am i being too sensitive or is this a very valid feeling that's really this is really sad it is a very valid feeling of course like you would be hard pressed to find somebody that didn't feel the same way when you came across something like this like your friend group best friends starting another group chat and just not putting you in it that's so mean you guys have a group chat we do we actually do yeah it's only where we talk about you so that's why you can't be in it is that is that you know how i always send it to the wrong group i do that all the time because on imessage just the first two names come up so your two names come up and then i send it

Starting point is 00:24:45 and there's a third person and i'm like oh shit sorry that wasn't meant for you yeah so we've labeled that don't talk about keisha in this group i found out recently so tony may well you got a fucking million group chats at Tony May because we've got like one for the marketing team one for production one for every factory it's too dangerous no so recently something was put into one of the group chats around something that happened with QC and I was like where is this being discussed I was like I don't understand how everyone knows about this thing that I don't know about anyway I discovered that the team had a group chat they forgot to add me to I was like I'm your boss forgot no Laura you're not you were not in that chat they're like oh my god we totally

Starting point is 00:25:19 forgot let's add you now no they literally they've had it for like eight months and it's to discuss like it's work related and I was like I don't know what's going on in my own company if you haven't noticed for eight months maybe there's an issue don't join it maybe there's a they've got the point I was like sort it out yourselves no I look if that was me I would be absolutely gutted as well and I think the thing that feels so upsetting is how intentional this feels the reason why it feels intentional is because it's very evidently intentional like you know but it feels intentional because it is. Yeah. But sometimes you can gaslight yourself. You can be like, Oh, like, am I overreacting? Is this, you know, but I, I mean, through what you've said,

Starting point is 00:25:57 she very deliberately didn't tell you, you asked a direct question. It's weird to me that like, there was never, if this is your closest best friend, you know, and you guys are as close as what you think you are. It's odd to me that you guys hadn't had a discussion around her 40th birthday prior to this. 40th are a huge, big deal. And I would say that, you know, I would normally know what my best friends are doing for their 40th I would have asked that question so it is kind of a bit of an unusual one that that probably didn't pop up earlier however in saying that I think it's pretty obvious that you have been left out and I think it's okay to feel super upset about it the question is what do you do do you confront them no yeah do you

Starting point is 00:26:37 bring it up or do you just take this as a very quiet understanding of where you sit in that friendship dynamic and maybe just I don't know I don't know what the right thing to do is here I don't know whether you express your sadness or whether you accept that you know they made an intentional choice and you were left out of it this is really hard because I truly believe that this is a bit of like a tough love situation and it's an unfortunate situation that I want to say most people are going to feel at some point like friendships change there are always going to be people that are closer in a group even if there's a group of 10 people there's always you know three or four that might be really close, at the end of the day, they've made a choice and they did

Starting point is 00:27:16 exclude you. Sure, you can go and tell them how upset that made you. But in a way, I want to say, what's the point? Like they made the decision and for whatever reason, they didn't want you to go. And for me, if I was in that situation, I would think, okay, if I go and tell them that like, hey, I would have really liked to have come. They didn't want you to come. And we don't know what the reason is. And I'm careful because I feel bad saying it, but I do want to protect your feelings here it doesn't matter what the reason is that's the outcome they didn't invite you and they made an active choice and I would think okay well then maybe these aren't quite the people I thought they were which is okay maybe they're not we're not as close as I thought it's also okay you can't force

Starting point is 00:27:56 a square peg into a round hole and if a friendship has changed or diverged and other people are forming up into groups that nothing good is going to come from you going and inserting yourself or forcing yourself back into that group by like force saying hey next time you do that please invite me if they don't want to invite you. And I know it sounds mean, but it's, it is the way of the world where you can't expect to be best friends with everyone. I know, but I felt like in two minds about this one, part of me was like, if this happened to me, what would I do? If this happened to me, I'm relatively conflict avoidant. I would probably just not say anything and accept it. But the problem is though, is like by not saying anything and accepting it, one, you're making

Starting point is 00:28:33 some assumptions. We are just concluding that it was super intentional and that, you know, there was no other ulterior reason I don't know what that reason could be but we don't know the intricacies of your life they might have assumed you had something else on that weekend there might have been a reason why they they didn't invite you they could have been something we don't know that but then also I would accept it but then it would always change the way I felt I would feel that level of resentment and so then how are you going to navigate that friendship moving forward are you going to navigate it as though this hasn't affected you are you going to navigate it as though it has and now you're not friends with them anymore I think it depends on the level of hurt

Starting point is 00:29:09 as to whether you can just move past it or whether a conversation needs to be had and also it probably depends on the intensity of the friendship I know you say that you're in this group chat and you thought that they were your really close girlfriends and she said one of my best friends it might be interesting to gauge whether or not they see you the same way because like sometimes it happens where, you know, someone might feel as though I'm your best friend, but then they, and that's what a weird thing to say as an adult. I'm your best friend, but you're not my best friend. I have other best friends. My space top eight. Oh, it sounds so kindergartner and, and like childish, doesn't it? But like, that could be the case. My only worry for you is that

Starting point is 00:29:48 sometimes by not talking about things, assumptions are made and there is a possibility that those assumptions are wrong. Is it likely? I don't know. We don't know the other details about this, But I guess if you really feel compelled to say something, I would probably firstly just say like, oh, how was Port Douglas? I heard you went with blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah, you know? And so at least they know that, you know, so they're not having to lie about it firstly. And then I don't know, I think it would be pretty ballsy to be like, oh, just wondering like, you know, is there a reason why you didn't want me to come?

Starting point is 00:30:18 But that could be a question that you ask, but also be prepared that that could have a very awkward answer. And it's going to be different for everyone. I'm very, I wouldn't do it. I'm very much a let people show you who they are and what they want. And for me, that's what I'm very conflict avoiding as well. I hate it. And if someone had done that to me, I'm like, cool.

Starting point is 00:30:35 I got the message loud and clear. Like I'm never going to force myself into something that I think I'm not wanted or, you know, and of course those situations happen. I just wonder if you ask yourself, what are you going to gain if you sit down and have that conversation? It's going to be awkward because you're essentially saying like, I know you went away without me and you're going to put her on the spot as to why. And then even that's going to cause something in the friendship.

Starting point is 00:30:56 I don't know. Personally, I'm big on just letting it go. I know, but it could be like, for example, who knows? She could have gotten free accommodation somewhere and it only slept three people or something. Like you just, we just don't know. And I know that means she had to make a choice, but there might be a reason and she might turn around and say,

Starting point is 00:31:11 oh, yeah, look, you know, I bought this accommodation. Only three people could stay in there. I'd mentioned it to Sarah, but I didn't realise that then this, and she's like, I just felt really awkward. You just don't know. Yeah, but then they intentionally hid it and made up, like, I don't know. Have you ever had an experience where you've been totally left out of your friends and felt like really sad off the back of it? Yeah, for sure.

Starting point is 00:31:31 Not in the last couple of years, like at this point in my life. I definitely noticed it more after I'd had kids. I think I noticed it with my friends who didn't have kids. And, you know, it was a tricky one because 99.9% of the time I wasn't able to go and do the things that they were doing anyway. like it wasn't like it wasn't as though they were intentionally leaving me out but there did come a point where like I stopped getting invited to stuff because they assumed I couldn't go and so I'd be like oh at least give me the invitation and like let me tell you I can't come and I know it must be annoying to include me and then for me to be like oh sorry it's nap time oh sorry it's

Starting point is 00:32:05 this but you know there would be occasions where I'd be like oh fuck I could have come to that but the assumption was made and I think that sometimes they're moments where the intention isn't mean the intention isn't it's just there was an assumption made I actually remember so Ness you guys will have heard us talk about her a little bit she's our videographer and she's the freaking best she's been one of my really close friends for 10 years I used to live with her and her wife Jess when they had their baby Hazel they sent out a big group message saying you know guys don't expect to see us for the first four weeks after Hazel's born we're going to go into like a little hidey hole we also want to keep her away from people and you know like just basically keep her protected

Starting point is 00:32:45 and at that time I was organizing a lunch at my house which we had friends over and we had like this like we had a cook come I think it was Matt's birthday or something but it was a really nice day and it was only two weeks after Hazel was born and I didn't invite Ness and Jess because in my mind I was like you told me you don't want to come to anything so I didn't even think to invite them I was like, cool, Jess and Nessa are off the table. We're not going to invite them. And I think it was Jess. Jess sent a message and she was like, oh, it made me so sad to see those photos.

Starting point is 00:33:15 I really felt sad that we weren't invited. And I was like, oh, I didn't know I'd hurt you. You would have been. I'm so like, I felt so bad and it absolutely wasn't my intention. But, you know, I made the assumption based on the message that was sent. I didn't realize that there would be external circumstances to that, you know, for like big things. in my mind I was just like fuck there's gonna be a lot of people here and you probably don't want

Starting point is 00:33:39 them all around your baby you know but I'm sure she felt better hearing totally you know and had she not sent me that message and she just like retained it and like being angry at me I would never have known I would have felt like why is she being weird to me like what's going on with her yeah but I do think that's different in this sense because she had put out a blanket statement of like hey I'm shutting down for a month whereas this girl they're all just friends and it's a normal weekend and they went behind their back to not tell it like it's just a different situation I do agree, but it is really tricky. But like, okay, two options.

Starting point is 00:34:07 You just move on and you pretend it hasn't happened and you just accept that, you know, maybe you're not as close as the others, which is okay. Or you sit down and say, hey, I do just want to let you know, like, I would love to know if there is an issue, you know, have I done something or I just want to know like why I wasn't invited. You can sit down and have that conversation. Would I? Absolutely not.

Starting point is 00:34:26 But there's nothing wrong with you also communicating your feelings to your best friend. She's one of your best friends. So like go hold the leather if that's the person you are and you're not going to be able to move on or it's going to make it awkward. But know that both decisions have repercussions. It's such a weird one because like you risk excluding yourself even more, right? If you say to them, hey, I feel excluded, they're probably all going to talk about the reasons that you were excluded and then you kind of risk being ostracized even more.

Starting point is 00:34:52 But then you also have to live with the fact that you feel excluded, which makes you doubt whether you're as close. You know, like it's such an awful situation. I'm so sorry that you're in it, but I think I'm the same as you guys. I don't know what bringing it up could achieve given that I don't think the assumption situation you just spoke about, Laura, applies in this because they've quite deliberately hidden it, you know? Yeah, I agree.

Starting point is 00:35:15 Was it on any of their Instagrams? Was there, you know, was there anything about it? But that's even weird. Who goes to a 40 that doesn't post a single photo? But that's why because they hid her from seeing it. They don't want it to go out. Oh, that's so weird. All right.

Starting point is 00:35:26 okay this is another question around like do I bring this up with the friends and the reason we're doing two of these is because we get inundated with questions around friendships it's actually probably I think one of the things the topics that comes through the most this is also a birthday related question which kind of links into what Keish asked earlier so then some nice synchronicities happening here okay help I'm feeling super confused and a little devastated about a gift from one of my best friends for my 30th birthday she bought in inverted me an unknown brand that is kind of like a childlike makeup set. I'm talking pink sparkles and a foundation that is at least five shades too dark. The thing is she's super into the finer

Starting point is 00:36:09 things in life and she would never use these products herself. Now I'm not a makeup girly at all so it felt especially strange that this was the present she chose for me. If I'm honest I'm pretty sure it's a re-gift. After some casual digging as we do you can tell she went on a deep dive. That's not casual digging. I realized it's from a very niche brand that her mom follows on Instagram. Now I know that this brand frequently does giveaways. They have only 100 followers. I know gifts aren't everything, but for me, it's not about the present. It's about the complete lack of thought or effort. It feels like a reflection of where our friendship is at for her. We've been a bit tense over the last couple of months after a small communication breakdown,

Starting point is 00:36:48 but I honestly thought we'd worked through that. This isn't the first time I felt let down by her lack of effort and now I'm seriously considering distancing myself. I'm usually all for having the hard conversations if it's worth salvaging the friendship, but over a bad gift, is it worth it? It feels petty and I don't want to seem ungrateful. Would you or could you bring this up? And if you do, how do you do it? No, this one's clear for me. I wouldn't bring this up. I'm not. I also wouldn't end a friendship over it. No, look, I mean, I understand the sentiment. I understand why you feel as though there's a lack of effort and a lack of thought. But if the only thing that is a lack of effort at the moment, if you do actually feel like your friendship has gotten

Starting point is 00:37:27 back to a good place and the only lack of effort is around a gift, I would say let it go. But the problem is, is that some people are very gift orientated. Like gifts mean a lot to them. Some people are really thoughtful with their gifts. Like they care a lot about it and they give beautiful gifts. And so for those people, it stands out like a fucking sore thumb when someone has being completely thoughtless and just fill the hole by bringing something you know and I guess it depends on the type of person you are probably sounds like you are a really thoughtful person you probably put a lot of time and energy into gifts and they mean something to you and I think that there is probably a mismatch in how you both approach this specific part of friendship for me

Starting point is 00:38:09 and I know I've probably said it before but I don't care about gifts I don't at all genuinely if I say don't buy me a gift I'm not upset about it and when I joked about my mum at the start But honestly, I don't think my mum has bought me a birthday gift in years. I don't care. I feel exactly the same. I really don't. Would you like some gym equipment? Actually, yes.

Starting point is 00:38:27 What are you implying, Keisha? But the thing is, is I know that that would absolutely gut some people. Like it would really hurt them that the person, even if they didn't say they wanted something, didn't go out of their way. Would I end a friendship over this? No. What I would do is I would look for the other indicators that this friend is actually not the type of friend that's supporting me or loving me or, you know, that the friendship is not

Starting point is 00:38:49 serving me in a way that is healthy or whatever else, you know, I think that you're hinging too many decisions about this friendship on one shitty gift. And was it thoughtless? Yeah. Was it a re-gift? Probably. Should it end your friendship? No. I think that other things would need to add up to equate to friendship ending status. Yeah. I don't even really want to add anything. I think everything you said I agree with I feel the same I joke about like Ben didn't get me a gift I could care less if no one ever bought me a gift again for the rest of my life if you wrote me a card sent me flowers whatever and I don't even expect that but like I just don't put a weight on gifts but I think what she's saying is is like maybe there was no card it was the genuine lack of

Starting point is 00:39:29 effort that she feels was just like so pointless well let me add this on too I couldn't care less if I didn't get a card for me it's like maybe you can go to lunch or hang out that's more important to me than a gift. What did my card say to you? Pretty titty oodles. I love you, oodles. No, it said happy fucking birthday. Go get some Botox.

Starting point is 00:39:47 Well, you didn't write that. You bought a card that told me to go get Botox. It's time for Botox, bitch. I think it said. Yeah. That ship sailed a long time ago. Well, no. In my head, I was like, bro, I got it a month ago.

Starting point is 00:39:59 I was like, do I need more? I need more already. I metabolize it too quickly. It's all the soreness. It is. I just think it's the rest of the friendship that matters here for me personally if she's not showing up in any other way and you said you've had an issue but you thought you worked through it maybe you didn't maybe the friendship is changing I wouldn't yeah maybe the friendship

Starting point is 00:40:18 is changing but also I mean we've all been in that situation where you've just received the worst and you're like the worst fucking gift you're like where am I gonna put this like how soon can I take it to the salvos we've all done that and I know that that's an awful thing to say but usually it comes from like a great aunt or like a family member who is like lovely, adorable, but has terrible taste. Once my grandma re-gifted the candle I gave her the following year, she'd forgotten that she gave it to me. And I was like, it's a fucking great gift.

Starting point is 00:40:45 But I didn't realise that she has a bit of sensitivity to smell. So I actually wasn't, it wasn't a good gift for her to begin with. And so she was happy to give it away to someone else who might actually enjoy it, which was you. Yeah, she just forgot that she gave it to me. I was the one who gave it to her. The one thing that I struggle with, this probably sounds ungrateful, and I hope no family members are offended,

Starting point is 00:41:03 although I don't think any family members listen to this podcast anymore because I've already offended them all in the past, is ornaments for the house. Like that's a real tricky one. It seems to be. Didn't you literally just say you bought me something for the house? Not ornaments though. Oh.

Starting point is 00:41:16 Yeah. But also I've got great taste. She just realized, Laura just realized this. She's like, oh, fuck, I just got a brick ornament. I didn't get you an ornament. Did we get her a vase for her? No, she got me a cat, a statue of a cat. I'm talking about, I'm talking about family members who clearly have a very different

Starting point is 00:41:32 aesthetic being like, I bought you this to put in your house. And I know that it's really kind and everything, but then my question is, what do you do with it? Because I'm not going to take those things to the Salvos. And when they do come and visit, I wheel it out and put it out. But it just, it then requires, I wheel it out, I do, I do. One family member once bought me this big picture to go on a wall and it's so big. It's so big.

Starting point is 00:41:56 And it's not your style. It's so bad. And then I know that any time they come I need to put it on a wall somewhere. Of course I do. Do you? Otherwise they ask, where's that picture I bought you? I put photos of people to the front. Do you?

Starting point is 00:42:10 As in like if you've got photo frames of people around the house, like if they're coming over I'll move them to the front and centre so they feel special. That's so funny. I do the same thing. So we have like a little bit of a shrine on our mantelpiece of family photos. just like family photos it's like you know people from Matt's family people from my family like they're all together oh but you came for me for my shrine with Ben it's not a professional photo

Starting point is 00:42:32 shoot it's just a family photos yeah okay I stumbled across the photographer it doesn't count I used shrinks I knew it would get a little laugh out of you but it's just like family photos and then so like if my mum's coming then the one of my mum goes to the front but if like Matt's family's coming so like normally Ellie's at the front because Ellie's always in the house but then like when you know this sounds very familiar shuffles around dad comes to the front when he comes to visit my ex used to do that when there were two of us he used to put my photos out when i came and the next weekend he would swap it out for the other girlfriend so yeah a bit of ptsd there i think the problem here is if there's two things it's not just the lack of thought there's

Starting point is 00:43:10 obviously no thought in it but it's lack of thought is one thing but at least get the same color tone of your makeup like it's four shades darker it's a glitter kit that you're not going you use and you don't like makeup so it's a double down on the lack of thought it's like even if the thought was there you still can't use it the shades don't even match your skin so it's that i think is the problem i'm more offended if a friend gave me that than not giving me anything at all yeah do you know what i mean sometimes no gift is better than a gift totally i have one friend who gives the best fucking gifts they're so thoughtful like it's no her name's steph she's she's awesome she gives like the most incredible gifts why did you laugh so hard

Starting point is 00:43:45 I just got Keisha a Bunnings voucher. She's so hard to buy for because her gifts are so excellent. Like it's the worst. Yeah. She should be less awesome. Anyway, okay. Here's a question that's going to get all the mums angry. Is my husband a fully grown snack thief?

Starting point is 00:44:03 I need you to help me settle a minor domestic dispute that we're having. My husband is obsessed with our kids' snacks, i.e. Le Snacks, pouch yogurts, chocolate chip muffins, tiny teddies. the full primary school lunchbox starter pack this is a grown-ass man in his 30s heading to work with a poor patrol yogurt pouch packed in one of our kids old dinosaur lunchboxes despite owning a perfectly good rip curl cool bag i buy him adult snacks but he inhales them in two days and then raids the kid's stash like a sugar crazed raccoon i should add i make us delicious lunches most days so it's not like he's going without recently he stormed off without

Starting point is 00:44:40 saying goodbye because they questioned why he needed or even wanted to take more of the kids' snacks with him. He specifically took one of the kids' juice boxes. Am I being unreasonable or should my husband stop being the biggest baby in our entire household and leave the kids' snacks alone? I think just buy more snacks. This is the best question we've ever got. I think buy more snacks.

Starting point is 00:45:00 Like if your husband likes the snacks. I don't think he wants to steal from your child, but if he likes them, just buy double. I mean, I don't have kids. He can buy double too. Well, yeah, but maybe she does the groceries. I don't know, but I don't think he needs to be fighting about it and he needs to storm off with his little snack. There is nothing more infuriating than when you have like portioned out

Starting point is 00:45:18 and figured out what the kids are going to eat and like have shit for their lunchboxes only to find that it's been eaten by the adult who can make themselves their own meal and can prepare their own thing. Like it drives me insane. The days when we're like, okay, we've got bolognese for the kids for dinner and then I come home, Matt's eaten it for lunch, and I'm like, you sort dinner now. That's on you.

Starting point is 00:45:36 that is your responsibility because two days of dinner is now gone because you eat three times the amount that these kids eat i think the problem is is that in some households obviously the burden of doing all the grocery shopping and everything else lies on the female the female like lies on the woman lies on the mom and if she's buying all of the things that he also wants as adult snacks and she's buying all that shit and then he's just like you know cherry picking whatever he wants oh I don't feel like my adult thing today so I'm going to like eat the kids tiny teddies but you know that the kids are only going to eat the tiny teddies and then you're out of options for them it's just another thing that then she has to manage I'm kind of like cool yes you could

Starting point is 00:46:14 absolutely buy extra I think that that probably would help to solve the problem however I do think that if there is not enough of something left he should not be just taking it because it's there like that's the unreasonable part the difference is if he goes to the cupboard and there's one less snack left and you have one child that's about to go to school and he knows that he could I had to take it and the child doesn't get their snack like yes that's a that's a problem it's very selfish he's literally taking his small child's food I think this is so relatable but I think if he just like Ben really recently got into when we were staying with Jane Sherry and Maya no he so I actually got me into it too Maya loves baby bell cheese you know the little cheeses yeah

Starting point is 00:46:55 with the red yeah the red plastic well we're both addicted to them now and I had to control myself from eating them because they were Myers and I was like I want to eat these so Ben was the same I was like Ben you need to stop eating the cheese because it's for the small child that like we can't eat them there's something about children's snacks that's enticing I understand it maybe it's like a case of like you go okay I've bought these ones for you I've written your name on them don't touch the ones that's for the kids and the reason for that is because then I don't know how many I have left for school lunches yeah and it increases my mental load like it's an annoying thing that I have to be checking because when I purchased that I budgeted them for kids lunches I can't

Starting point is 00:47:30 stop laughing because right now I'm picturing your husband turning up I'm just picturing an office job don't know if he has one but I'm picturing him turning up with his ripco lunchbox opening it with a paw patrol yogurt and his name written on it I think it's all right the fuck up no no you don't have to grow up snacks are fine let's not shame the man from eating snacks I think that's okay let's shame him from stealing his child's food but the other thing as well is like you're a grown-up you can go to a cafe or you can like you can get other things I just think that it's not about the snacks it's about increasing the mental load of having to like be more organized and like running out of things before you expect to run out of them that pisses you off as a parent

Starting point is 00:48:07 as a mom I this is like don't go for Matt because he's a fucking wonderful man but last night he drove me absolutely insane so I was like sitting with the kids and I was doing dinner with them so and Lola gets too distracted and I know she probably could feed herself she's four but I have to sit with her and I have to feed her to make sure that she's actually eating because otherwise she'll just get up and run around the house zero attention span anyway I'd been feeding her she like got up she said you need to go to the toilet and so she went to the toilet and she was like taking her sweet ass time to come back and so because she wasn't at the food I was like distracted doing other stuff and Matt sat down and just assumed she was finished and started

Starting point is 00:48:44 eating a dinner and I was like, sorry, sorry. And he just finished the bowl of pasta. It was just gone and there was like at least five mouthfuls left. And I was like, you don't get to tap out of dinner time and then just come and eat it because you assumed it was leftovers. I was like, I actually have nothing left in my body. I think it might be a lesson. She'll only need to learn once.

Starting point is 00:49:05 If you don't eat quick, you don't eat at all. This is the problem. She doesn't care. She didn't care. I care. She doesn't care at all and, like, she's full and she was, like, quite thrilled by the whole thing but I was the one that was like doing the bribery of like three mouthfuls and you can have a jelly bean and then Matt just came and ate it all do you know when

Starting point is 00:49:21 growing up as a kid I like learned that you can't save the best thing for last you know some kids will like save the bacon I do I save the best my dad would always eat it if you pushed it to the side of the plate he'd go oh you're not eating that before you had a second to say like that was my favorite part it would be gone and so I'm like still traumatized so now the best thing on the plate gets eaten first. Prawn pasta, every prawn is eaten before the pasta. I still, to this day, will save whatever I think is the best mouthful. I make sure my last mouthful is that. I'll put that to the side and that will be what I, I have to finish on like the most pristine taste. But that's because your dad didn't eat your food. I'm the opposite in case I get too full and then

Starting point is 00:50:01 I can't enjoy it because I'm too full. I'm Lola. Yeah, yeah. All right, I've had enough. Let's get out of here. All right, guys, that is it from us. If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, Slide on into the DMs so that we can answer them. If you also have a snack thief husband, please let us know. Please send me a picture of your husband with the snacks. No, we don't need a picture of our husband with a snack. It's the real hard-hitting stuff here that we want to unpack. Just slide into the DMs.

Starting point is 00:50:25 We also have Life Uncut Discussion Group, which is on Facebook, if you want to join in and add anything to the conversation. And you can watch all of the episodes on YouTube. And remember, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. Thanks for watching!

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - "I've Been Completely Excluded From My Friendship Group"

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