Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Live, Laugh, Love. It’s Not A Dress Rehearsal

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura. And it's Ask Uncut Therapy Thursday. And thank you guys, Laura and Keisha. This episode comes out on a Monday. Yeah, but it's always Therapy Thursday. It's really changed, hasn't it? It's Therapy Monday now. But I think we have to say Therapy Thursday on a Monday.

Starting point is 00:00:29 Because Therapy Thursday has been our tagline for like five years. I truly don't think we do and I think people are just confused now. And I'm pretty sure you are, but you're like, you know when you know you're wrong, but you just don't want to admit it, so you just keep on holding on strong. Sorry, the tagline that's come out of my mouth for six years is Therapy Thursday. So now it can be Therapy Thursday on a Monday. Hey guys, it's Therapy Monday. Is that better?

Starting point is 00:00:51 It doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? It doesn't. Fuck. No, look, I wanted to say thank you. I did have to have a day off the podcast last week because I'm little Miss Twinkle Toes at the moment. So thank you for covering for me, Keisha. You're welcome. I did actually say that you've got that dog in you and that's why you're doing well at dancing.

Starting point is 00:01:06 That dog in you? Who says that? When I was editing, I was like, well, people know what I mean by that. What I mean is that you've got that competitive nature to you. And so I knew that if you were going to do Dancing with the Stars, you would give it 110%. Yeah. And to be fair, I really am actually giving it 110%. I'm giving it every ounce of my cellular body.

Starting point is 00:01:24 but that's because I did not start off great. No, it's because you don't like losing, which is a good quality. No, that's not true. That's absolutely not true. If I lose because I'm the worst dancer, then that's fine. But if I lose and I'm the best dancer, I'd be pissed. Because it's rigged. If I lose because it's rigged or something, I'd be pissed.

Starting point is 00:01:43 But if there's people that are better than me, I'm always happy for that. That's fine. As long as I know I've done the best I can do. But I'm putting so much effort in because I definitely didn't start strong in this dancing. I don't want to say the competition, but like when I started learning to dance, it was harder than I thought. I always thought I had like a natural rhythm. Is that because you were a professional boogie boarder, not a dancer? I should just say professional boogie-er. But something really funny happened to me. So when you guys were filling in for me, I was

Starting point is 00:02:14 on set and I was training and I was trying this new dance move. So Craig, my dance partner, has let me put a move into every dance he's like let me choreograph a step which I think is very brave you're like I just want to do a two-step at this point so I can catch my breath and then let's continue no I'm like doing parkour in the corner yeah parkour I should have asked to do parkour I'm like let's just sway for four beats so I can catch my breath no so I was trying to think of like these really cool moves now I'm not going to completely tell you what the move is because we might use it but it does involve me going upside down and so you have like your dance partner as you know Laura and then sometimes you have a choreographer for the whole show so the

Starting point is 00:02:56 entire show has like a main choreographer that pops around Kelly is her name she's done every single show do you know Kelly's like an urban legend of Dancing with the Stars Kelly Abbey because she's done every single one but she also you know the movie Happy Feet with the penguins so she had to teach all of the because they're like cgi but they're people who have to do the actions she had to teach everyone how to dance like a penguin and that was kelly abbey like i was just watching you when you said happy feet i was like she taught the penguins yes she's very skilled she taught the humans behind the penguins she's amazing well we have they have another choreographer this year as well it's like a shared job her name's sarah she's also

Starting point is 00:03:35 incredible she's a really amazing contemporary choreographer so she was coming in so i was like oh I better like think of this really cool like abstract contemporary move. So there's no music because we're going through the dance and trying to like figure out the moves and there's this one move that I've put in where I have to like push myself upside down so my legs are up in the air and then Craig comes in and swoops me and he and he does the move with me right. I'm like on my back and there's the choreographer on one side right next to me on her knees and then there's Craig next to me. Everything's silent. Off we go. We're ready to do the move. We're coming in hot and I'm like, I'm going to nail this. So I do my thing where I go up backwards and I try and throw myself

Starting point is 00:04:15 in the air as Craig comes down to sweep me. So his head is at my hip level. Sarah's on her knees at hip level. And then I just let out the biggest queef you've ever heard. Like I have two people's head's next to my crotch and I'm up in the air and it just goes. I couldn't even finish the move. The thing that's more embarrassing is you don't want to admit which part. Like you're like, do you admit it? No, I told them. Did you say it's a queef or a fart?

Starting point is 00:04:44 What's worse? There was a moment of panic in my head. I was in hysterics. I flopped to the ground and I couldn't breathe. Like I was doubled over. Were they the same? Were they traumatized? They were just looking at each other like they didn't know what to do.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Horrified. And I finally got it out because I was in my head. Did you? Well done. Glad you were relieved. Pushed it right out. It was so big. Because, you know, when you, like, suck your legs up in the air,

Starting point is 00:05:11 it's like a vacuum. It's like a vortex. So funny. So I was like, what's the worst of the two options here? A queef, like a fanny fart or a fart fart? I'm just going to tell the truth. And I just said, I said, guys, I'm so sorry, a queef. And then Craig looked a bit confused.

Starting point is 00:05:26 I was like, it's a fanny fart. I was like, there's no odor. which is deeply embarrassing. But the thing is – It's just guttural. When you're practicing a dance, you have to do the move like 50 times. How many queefs did you do? A few.

Starting point is 00:05:40 It's like almost every one. It's got to be put into the music. This is the move you chose. You chose to make yourself queef. Wait till you see it. If we can pull it off, I'm going to show you the exact moment the queef comes out. At least you queef on Dancing With The Stars and they catch that on camera

Starting point is 00:05:56 and like I don't know how they get the sound of that. The thing is, the music's so loud that it's like at least it masks it. We'll try and isolate it. There's AI software now. You just got to AI me queefing. You'll be like, in real life footage. Steep fake it. Someone will pay for that.

Starting point is 00:06:10 There's someone out there who will pay solid money to have an audio snippet of Brittany Hockley's queef. People are paying money for all sorts of crazy shit these days. I just couldn't stop. And I just thought, you can do nothing but laugh. But it was just the silence and the beauty of the moment, because it's a really beautiful moment. And that's why it was funnier because I was like,

Starting point is 00:06:29 it couldn't have happened in the jive or something when you're, like, throwing your legs around. But I did send some videos to Ben, so I didn't send him the queef. I don't think that'll do it for him. But I've been, like, filming and sending them to Ben and waiting for his response. And I did film – he's always very positive and, like, looks amazing, baby. You're going to be the best in the world, you know, whatever.

Starting point is 00:06:50 And I sent him a video of Craig and I doing this dance and it's really, like, a beautiful dance. and I was like what do you think thinking that he would be like oh like the skill level or whatever he just goes back and he's like your bodies are very close and I was like they are close and he's like it appears that your crutches are in contact at all times and I was like yeah that's the technique yeah that's the one yeah so he's he's a bit like interesting well yes if I can look past his penis against your vagina the whole dance he's like brilliant brilliant moves I remember I'll never forget when I was, like, postpartum with Lola

Starting point is 00:07:27 and Matt was dancing with Ruby at the time. I've spoken about her. Amazing, hot, abs on the forehead, that girl. Abs on the forehead. Abs everywhere. Abs from the top of her forehead all the way down to her knees, just continuous abs. And he came home.

Starting point is 00:07:42 He was really proud of this dance that he'd been working on. He was like, look, babe, look at this. And I just burst out crying because it was so close. And I was like, are you fucking telling me that's what you You do all day. You grind. You do that all day. And I sit here and cry with two children.

Starting point is 00:08:00 Is this my life? And he looked at the video and he goes, I was really proud of how much better I've gotten at this dance. He's like, but watching it back, absolutely fair. He's like, I should have thought about this a bit better. A hundred percent. And this is why I have to buffer. So I'll send Ben the beautiful, slow, sexy dances, but then I'll follow it up with the queef so that he knows it's a very even playing field on this dancing studio. Just so you know, Craig is horrified by me.

Starting point is 00:08:26 He's not attracted to me at all. There is zero turn on from Craig. Also, I know Ruby listens to this podcast from time to time and I deeply adore you. Congratulations on your abs, Ruby. I don't think she can be offended by saying she's got a face for abs. I'm threatened by your abs. All right. Wait, I have something quick to tell you as well.

Starting point is 00:08:43 I have an update. Really big achievement in our household has happened. Okay. Lola is no longer wearing night nappies. Oh. Congratulations. Yay, thank you. I know she was waiting for that.

Starting point is 00:08:54 She was waiting for the national congratulations from all the podcast listeners. That's amazing. I haven't gotten her off the dummy yet. I know that that's fucking horrifying. Yeah, she's at school next year. She's 15. Pick your battles.

Starting point is 00:09:05 No, don't pick your battles. No. That needs to go. It's got to go. It's got to go. You needed some tough love. Yes, I know I do. The problem has been there's been so many delays.

Starting point is 00:09:16 Like I was like, oh, she started the new daycare. Can't do it now. Oh, Matt's away. Can't do it now. And it's like because of all these things that have happened, It's like delayed us doing it. Anyway. The last time you spoke about this, we got a lot of messages from people saying you should

Starting point is 00:09:27 put holes in the dummy because it stuffs the suction so they don't enjoy it as much. I feel like it's when you're trying to trick someone into falling pregnant and you put holes in their condoms. I think it's a bit different. Yeah. No, that's what it reminded me of. Okay. Not that I've done that.

Starting point is 00:09:41 But anyway, it's been big. She's had two nights, no wet the beds, no nappies. That's amazing. And she feels like such a good, like big girl as she says it through her dummy in the morning when she wakes up. I did have a moment where I was like, how different our lives are. The other day where I was like putting on my little bike shorts and I was like, well, I'm off to film Dancing with the Stars.

Starting point is 00:09:57 And Laura's like, I'm off to buy a plastic sheet. And I was like, vast difference. It really is. Anyway, guys, it's time for Vibes and Unsubscribes. Brittany Hockley, what is your vibe? Mine's a little bit morbid, to be honest. I know that you guys know what's coming, but it is a podcast. Oh, wait, let me guess.

Starting point is 00:10:16 Is it a true crime podcast? Yeah, it is. It's so funny. I sent some screenshots to Keisha the other day of something I needed to send, just a photo, and in the bottom it had showed what was playing in my ears at the time. She's like, classic, just more true crime, more murder. Like, you know how it plays at the bottom.

Starting point is 00:10:29 It's all I listen to. I listen to, like, one comedy podcast, sporadic news podcast, which, like, no one really cares about, and then I listen to true crime. I reckon you could get away with a murder because you've listened to every single version of how to, like, commit a crime. I reckon I could. I would never. Thank God.

Starting point is 00:10:48 On record. That's not a caveat that you need to include. It's like when parents say like – No, you have to. It's like when people complain about their kids and they go, but I love them. If you said I can get away with murder, you don't have to say, but I'd never do it.

Starting point is 00:10:59 People assume. No, because what if something happens somehow one day and I get tied to one and the FBI go back and listen and I didn't put that disclaimer in? That'd be like – That's true. That's what a murderer would do. It's true. So it's called BTK.

Starting point is 00:11:12 It's called Monster BTK. BTK stands for – this is horrid, but bind, torture, kill. so he named oh my god so it's about a serial killer in america in about 1970 and he named himself btk the reason i found this podcast a little bit different and interesting is because they speak a lot to the serial killer like he's in prison but he writes an autobiography with somebody on the outside like an actual journalist that writes it and they also speak to his daughter so she's really open about going back through her life as she was a kid and growing up and all the signs when it came out because she was as you can imagine like the whole community

Starting point is 00:11:52 because he was killing people in the community the whole community was so scared she was so scared of this killer without knowing it was her dad so then one day when she finds out it's her dad her whole life crumbles but it goes back about through all of the way that he used to toy with the community he used to send letters to the news department that were reporting on it this went over years and years and years but the point of difference for me of this one is the fact that They get his, like, his story on, like, how fucked up he is. But also, yeah, just the perspective of a daughter growing up like that and finding out.

Starting point is 00:12:20 It just had a bit of a different angle to your usual true crime, which is just someone else reporting on a crime. Yeah, I always just feel, and I'm not saying this as judgment on you for listening, I just feel deeply uncomfortable when the people who commit the crimes are involved because I wonder, are they getting compensated for their contribution? Absolutely not. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:12:40 What happens most of the time with these people when they want to tell their stories they're so obsessed with being famous for being one of the biggest serial killers of all time they don't get compensated for it he's just telling his story in hopes that it gets written and people hear about it and that is something I battle with we've talked about it with Jeffrey Dahmer like there's a part of me that hates which is why I haven't even said his name because I yeah I don't want his name like notoriety for it I'm fascinated by the stories and I know true crime like this isn't for everyone but yeah that was my that was my recommendation I always get a lot of messages from you guys equally that you love true crime.

Starting point is 00:13:13 So that's probably why I'm going to keep bringing them. Is that a series or just the one? It's a series. Yeah. Keisha, what's your vibe? I have something for you guys today. My vibe is that I am obsessed with Australian Survivor. I'm here to outplay Outlast and I would like to ask you guys if you would like to be a

Starting point is 00:13:31 part of the Brains or the Brawn tribe. And I think I've got two of Brains and one of Brawn and I already know that that one's going to you, Brit. You're Brawn and we're Brains. law you brought me a survivor headscarf so i got a message from my friend trin who works for channel 10 in pr she said kisha i've noticed that you follow the australian survivor account and you like comment on stuff like are you a survivor gal and i was like i am fucking obsessed with outweighing outplaying and outlasting i didn't know you were a survivor girl she said the exact

Starting point is 00:13:57 same thing and i got re-offended you know how i keep getting offended because everyone assumes that i'm not athletic and i'm like not very good at that is this you trying to like put down your application for being in Survivor. It's really stinking of Keisha wants to do Survivor, which I'm all for. She brought promo in. I am absolutely for this, but I'm feeling like this is your entry tape.

Starting point is 00:14:16 Look, it wasn't, but maybe it could be. This is a brilliant idea. I will watch the next season if you're in it. I love Australian Survivor, and they're up to season 10 now. It came out, I think, two weeks ago. So it's brains versus brawn. So they've got, obviously, the very smart people and then the very sporty people and athletic people.

Starting point is 00:14:34 But that's also saying that you can't be both. I don't like that. Brittany's like, I want to be both. I want this one too, babe. I'm going to mix them. I have been watching this with my boyfriend. Do you know how sometimes you need a dinner couple show? You need something that both of you can be invested in.

Starting point is 00:14:49 And I know that everyone at the moment is obsessed with maths. I don't know, sometimes I can get a little bit, I feel a bit uncomfortable about all the drama and watching it for, you know, five or six straight weeks. So Survivor for me is like the antidote because I get the competition element. I feel like it's a really easy show for us to just put on while we go out to dinner and we kind of bitch about the people

Starting point is 00:15:07 that we don't like in there and then we talk about the people that we do and I'm obsessed with it. So, yeah, my vibe for the week is the new season of Survivor that came out, I think it started last week after I'm a Celeb, so it's on Channel 10. There's been quite a few episodes of it so far, so you'd have to go back and catch up on 10 Play. Yeah, I think we're up to episode 8 now, something like that.

Starting point is 00:15:27 You can catch up. I feel like it's one of those ones that you can kind of tap in and out of. Like not every single storyline is absolutely necessary, which is good. I have a recommendation for you. It's a Netflix series, three episodes. It's actually not a series. It's one season and it is called The American Murder, Gabby Petito. Now, so many of you will remember who Gabby Petito is and you may know her story. She was a 22 year old that was murdered by her boyfriend, Brian Laundrie. So it's a truly horrible story. And the thing that's really interesting about this is that they sit down with the two sets of parents in terms of,

Starting point is 00:16:00 when I say two sets of parents, I mean, Gabby's parents, Brian's parents have been particularly unhelpful throughout the investigation, but also particularly unhelpful throughout the Netflix series as well. But the thing about Gabby, and I also think the reason why the world had such an interest in her, she was so young, she was so beautiful, but also she had captured so much of her life across social media. And she'd also started to create this travel blog. She'd only produced one video that was actually released prior to her death but the thing is is to create this documentary there is so much content so you get a real insight as to who she was and what her life was like and what she set out to do and here is this 22 year old girl on the cusp of starting

Starting point is 00:16:44 her life and it is so incredibly tragically cut short by her boyfriend that she had at the time for those of you who do know he died by suicide after it was found out and came to life that he was at fault for it. I find it a really interesting space because I struggle with these types of documentaries sometimes. But the thing is, is that her family has gotten so involved in it. And also they're pushing the foundation that's been created to really support victim survivors and victims of domestic violence. And that side of it is sometimes lost when you see documentaries around people's real life lived experience. Exactly like you were saying, often it's just the telling of the story, but it doesn't have a purpose and this one really does feel like it has a purpose but i think a

Starting point is 00:17:24 really cool thing about this off the back of the documentary so gabby's dad joseph has not only started a foundation to help find missing people but he's really lent into something called missing white woman syndrome so what you said laura this got so much attention because she was young white and beautiful now her dad his whole foundation he partners with black and brown families of missing people to help give them the media coverage that they deserve because he was so disgusted. Obviously, he was so grateful for the media coverage that his daughter got because he was trying to find her, obviously, save her life, work out what happened. But he couldn't believe the disparity of the media coverage other families were not getting

Starting point is 00:18:07 because of their race. And I think that that's really cool. He's trying to really equalize the level of media coverage people get despite your socioeconomic status, your location or your race. And I think that that, off the back of what he has gone through, is really amazing. It's available on Netflix. It is called The American Murder, Gabby Petito. And you could watch it easily in a night.

Starting point is 00:18:26 So that's the recommendations. Let's get into the questions. Okay, question number one. I have recently rekindled a relationship with my previous on and off fuck buddy five years on. We've been talking now for about a month, going on dates, getting to know each other again on a deeper level to what we ever have in the past. This time it just feels different. We are both opening up a lot more about how and what we are feeling. He says, we're just feeling things out, which is true, but realistically, I've always had

Starting point is 00:18:54 more of an emotional attachment, regardless of how casual we kept things for those five years. So my question is, how long do I allow him to make a decision? After five years of on and off, I don't want to put a timeline on things, but I also don't want to potentially allow myself to be strung along. Sorry. You are strung, baby. You are strong.

Starting point is 00:19:16 It's already too long. Five years. It's half a decade. If you were both mutually okay with the five years of on and off and you just kind of came back into each other's vortex whenever you were single and needed some hangs and bangs and it was casual and there weren't feelings and all that sort of stuff, fine. Absolutely fine.

Starting point is 00:19:34 Go for gold. You could do it for the rest of your life for all I care, so long as you're not getting emotionally hurt by this. Laura doesn't care who you fuck. No, I do. I actually do. I genuinely, deeply do. and the reason for that is is because you care you care you have feelings for him and you don't

Starting point is 00:19:50 want to lose him so you're scared about coming on too strong you're scared about making him make a decision for fear that the decision is not aligning with yours you are putting yourself back into a situationship even if he's giving you a bit more you'd fucking hope so it's five years five years it's half a decade like even here i do mean this like him just being like look we're just feeling it out. He's feeling you up. That's it. It's all he's feeling. He knows that after five years, he knows whether he wants to be with you or doesn't want to be with you. Like nothing that dramatic has changed. And the difference is, is like, if he says he's still feeling it out, he is still unsure. And that's a really, really shitty situation to put yourself in

Starting point is 00:20:31 when you have seemingly been emotionally waiting for him to level up. I would have a very honest conversation with this person and say I have feelings for you I want something more serious and if that doesn't align with where you're heading in this relationship now then I'm done because you are going to waste your life waiting for him to change his mind I agree with everything but I don't want to put a timeline on things put one put the timeline down like this is a timeline five years you know I think we said this the other day it's my favorite new quote eat pray love eat live laugh love you are not laughing or living but you are loving if you sprinkle when you tinkle wipe the seedy sweetie or whatever people have in their bathroom

Starting point is 00:21:14 risk it for the biscuit no my favorite quote at the moment is and it's so cringy but it's like your life is not a dress rehearsal this is the main act it's so true it's just as like giving but first coffee no it is it's the cringiest thing but i love how cringy it is because it's so true and sometimes it's really important to remind yourself of that like as cringy as this is listen to it this is not a dress rehearsal this is it one life and it's done and I know that sounds dramatic I'm all about feeling things out and taking your time and working out what's right but you've done that and you have put your life on hold for this guy for five years you haven't said your age but I'm going to make an assumption that this is like a prime time for you you haven't

Starting point is 00:21:58 said you have kids or anything I'm assuming you don't because you would have put that in I don't think that this guy is going to commit to you if he doesn't know after and I don't want to say that obviously we don't know but if five years he's still saying I just need to work out what I want he's never going to work it out and you deserve better at the end of the day like people can take their time they can come and go but the thing here is you're attached so it's not like maybe if we're right we'll be together in the future we'll find our way back to each other let's live our life that's not it you are hanging on or he's making you hang on by breadcrumbing you just enough emotionally he's just opening up he's giving you the attention you're getting the

Starting point is 00:22:36 physical attention it's just enough to keep you there thinking about the potential of the future and that's what you're in you're not in it right now for what he's giving you because he's not giving you what you want you're in it for the potential of what it could be if he commits yeah the thing is on that is like he knows he knows in order to give this another round with you he has to give you a little bit more so he is giving you a little bit more he's giving you a bit more of the emotional side because he's getting back what he wants from this relationship he's getting the intimacy he's getting the hangs and bangs he's also getting like a kind of girlfriend situationship whenever he wants it as well because I have no doubt he knows that you're emotionally

Starting point is 00:23:11 invested in him yeah we did a really great interview with Matthew Hussey a while back and had a really amazing conversation with him and it stuck with me because it made me realize the situation ship that I was in for like a year I was like oh my god had only I spoken to you when I was in the fucking depths of that so what he said is in terms of like your relationship and when you're dating someone and like what I mean by that is like if you're seeing someone and all of their physical actions and the things they're doing are saying that they want to be committed to you but their words are saying that they're not so if he's saying I'm just feeling things that I don't know or he's giving you doubt he is jeopardizing the possibility of the two of you

Starting point is 00:23:54 being together right he is jeopardizing that but he's trying to reassure you with the physical but he's telling you and that's an inconvenience to him if somebody's physical actions are implying a relationship but their words are an inconvenience and could end the relationship you listen to their words over their physical actions and it's because it's a risk for him to say those things but he makes it up with all the ways that he's treating you and I hope I'm describing that properly and in a way that's like understandable but I put me back into my situation shit where I was dating a guy for over a year and I I just thought because we we saw each other like five nights a week we had dinner together all the time like we had the emotional relationship as well as the physical

Starting point is 00:24:39 relationship just no label but no label and he was always like I'm not ready to be in a relationship I don't want a girlfriend, but then he treated me exactly like you would treat a girlfriend. It's just code for like, Hey, I really like you, but I also want to keep sleeping with other people and I want it to be okay to do that. Totally not enough is the thing. He didn't like me enough. You know, he was like, I'm not ready for relationship. Work is so busy.

Starting point is 00:25:01 So all the things he was saying to me were an inconvenience. There was heaps of times where I called it and then he would come back and then like, you know, he would treat me like I was his girlfriend. And so I'd kind of assumed that we were kind of heading towards that. But then he'd say the same thing. Oh, I'm not ready for a relationship. Guess what? We broke up after a year and four months of dating. And very shortly after he got into a relationship with the woman he's now married to and has babies with. Like the things that people say that are very inconvenient to them are the things that you have to listen to. And it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship. He just didn't want one with me. And that's okay. Yeah, the saying that we've always lived by, actions speak louder than words, has to have those two asterisks next to them. Because sometimes, I can't talk today, I'm so tired from dancing. Did you guys know I'm doing Dancing with the Stars?

Starting point is 00:25:49 Are you doing Dancing with the Stars? Yeah, very similar to how Matt was in the jungle. Are you doing Dancing with the Stars? Yes. Hi everyone, I can't wait for us to have to push votes for Dancing with the Stars now. It's only if I'm in the final though, you don't have to push it the whole way. It's just one night I'm going to ask you guys to vote. no that saying like actions speak louder than words does have to come with like disclaimers

Starting point is 00:26:08 because sometimes that is true sometimes we'll say he's not showing you whatever and that works but a lot of the time in this situation it doesn't work like his actions are showing you but his words are not but i think like you need to go and live your best life i hate that i'm going to say this but it is true specialists have told us this relationship specialists psychologists have told us this human behaviorists have told us this our friends have told us this if you make yourself readily available to him, he's less likely to want to commit to you. And I hate it, but it is the raw truth. If you pull away and start to say, you know what, I'm not going to just wait around for this. I'm going to go and live my best life. Not you know where to find me, but if he doesn't

Starting point is 00:26:48 feel like he has complete control of you and like you're hanging on a string, I think that is probably at this point, the only way that he's going to make a decision to either step up or step away. But if he has complete access to you at all times, and he's getting what he needs from you and getting what he needs elsewhere there's no push or need for him to change his life he's getting the best of both worlds the problem is with that though is my worry is that that becomes game playing because you make a move in the hope that they're going to step up to the plate I actually think after five years of on and off relationship situation it is at the time now where instead of like being like I'm gonna pull away and hope that he meets me there I actually think

Starting point is 00:27:26 it's a very honest conversation that needs to be had around what it is that you want what it is that you hope he aligns with and that you guys both want together and if it's not that then saying hey I'm not ready to put myself back in that situation again and I'm gonna I'm done like let's call it but that's what I'm saying don't play a game yeah just make the decision to call it in this situation that's what's going to make him make a decision hanging around hoping that you're showing your best side that he'll come to the table it's not going to work now it's you've done that for five years you've been amazing to him for five years you also just deserve someone who chooses you.

Starting point is 00:27:58 Totally. All right, next question. I think this is going to get a few people fired up. Can I ask my husband to take anti-balding medication? We have been together for more than... You don't even need to say the rest of the question. We have been together for more than 10 years and we have two kids together.

Starting point is 00:28:12 He's always been a silver fox with thick salt and pepper hair, which I absolutely love. However, his hair is now thinning and I want to ask him to take measures to prevent this. There are so many easy and safe options for men to do these days. my question is whether i have the right to ask him to i'd be offended if he asked me to alter my appearance or have an anti-aging procedure is this the same thing thank you for your wisdom yes this is the same thing if you're yeah if you're offended if he came to you and said hey

Starting point is 00:28:43 baby i think you're getting wrinkles get some botox or your hair's thinning get a hair transplant yeah hey did you hear that they've got a zempic now you could try that yeah but you'd be devastated and the way that you feel like i think you already know the answer you said you would be offended, he's going to be offended as well. Like it's a real sore spot for anyone and no one in a relationship at any point of the relationship or at any age wants to feel like their partner has come to them because they have a problem with the way that they look. Like there's a real ickiness about that. And I understand why you want to have the conversation because you're saying I love his hair and I know there is an easy way to prevent it. That's what you're saying,

Starting point is 00:29:20 right? You're like, I'm going to love you regardless, but there could be an easy way. it's still very difficult to approach. I truly believe the only way you can approach things in this situation is if he brings it up and he says it's an insecurity of his. Hey, have you noticed this is happening? I'm a bit self-conscious about this. Can you tell me if there's a bald spot at the back? Whatever. If he brings it up and the conversation is opened up organically and naturally, you can say, hey, if it bothers you, I did see that there is this stuff that we could try. But you can't come to him and say, hey, your balding is bothering me and I think you should go on some medication that's a huge ask yeah balding is such an interesting one because i think i mean

Starting point is 00:29:57 obviously like people make jokes about loads of things like people make jokes there's very fat phobic jokes there's like lots of different things that we make jokes not we specifically you know people make jokes about other people's appearances however i feel like balding is the one thing that is like kind of like unlimited in terms of like it's accessible it's not off limits people can make jokes about it and i say this you mean like it's easy to comment on to a friend that's balding as opposed to a friend that's put on weight it's like one of those things like the hottest bald man awards do you know for example we had um a few years back the acras which are the radio awards i won't say the host names but there's two hosts that opened the acras that year

Starting point is 00:30:34 the show so it's kind of like opening the logies the entire skit was around all the bald men in radio like it was you could never do a skit which is like here are all the people who i don't know have pigmentation on their skin or here are all the people with acne but it seems like being bald is one thing that it's okay to kind of still have a jab at. Yeah, and I get it. Look, this is not me being like, think of the man. But as someone who's also going bald, I care about it. We also joke about that too.

Starting point is 00:31:03 No, but yeah, and I think it's different when you make jokes about yourself, you know, and you welcome the jokes. That's a different thing. I'm allowing people to make jokes about it, about me, not about other people. My thing is here, he will know at some point. He might not have noticed yet. He might not have the same awareness as what you have because you can see all angles of

Starting point is 00:31:23 his head. You've probably seen him outside and seen sun on his scalp and been like, oh, that's thinning a bit. Jeez, how do I tell him? You don't have to tell him. He's going to figure it out. He's going to notice at some point whether he has or he hasn't. And at some point, if it is something that becomes, like you said, Brit self-conscious

Starting point is 00:31:39 for him, he's going to seek out what those treatments are. the treatments for male pattern baldness is either daily topical medication or a daily oral medication so you've got to know if your partner's actually the type of person who is like diligent enough to actually maintain that anyway because he might not be like there are loads of people that are just like too forgetful or don't care enough to try and maintain that yeah also where she said like oh they're completely safe and stuff that's actually not for us to say that's for you know a doctor because it affects your testosterone levels so it's like you might think it's completely safe but you know it will have side effects and he might not want those side effects there is

Starting point is 00:32:16 probably another way that we could split this question a little bit though everyone's relationship is very different like everyone and the way that you communicate with your partners are very different if you know that your partner is not a particularly sensitive person and you know that he would respond okay to being like hey honey have you noticed that your hair's thinning a little bit like that might be okay in your relationship I feel like I could say to Matt hey baby I feel like your hair's thinned a little bit have you noticed I don't think he would be upset with me if I said that he would be upset if I was like hey you've lost heaps of hair you should just go on a thinning medication he'd be like rich from you pal but I do think that there could be a way

Starting point is 00:32:50 you could approach it depending on the type of person that your partner is and depending on the type of communication relationship you have but I think be very careful about it because if you would be offended by it then I think assume that he would be too but there's also the high chance he might not care. He might want to be bald. He might want to make the bald sexy list. Like there's loads of men that love it and they just shave it off and they like their who that they are.

Starting point is 00:33:15 So I guess that's exactly what Laura said. Feel out, you know your relationship and you know what you can say. I feel like I could say it to Ben in a way, like if I wanted to, I feel like we've got that relationship. But I would more say it how you had just said it, Laura, not say, hey, I want you to go on this medication. I'd more say, hey, do you know that, have you noticed that you're thinning at the back or something?

Starting point is 00:33:33 like not an issue but that's my relationship where we could say that i would want him to say that to me if i didn't know if i didn't know if i knew that i was going bald at the back i wouldn't want somebody to make it a bigger issue but if i didn't know and he saw that every day and didn't tell me after six months i'd probably be pissed off if he was like yeah baby you've been gone bald for six months i'd be like why the fuck didn't you tell me you know like i could have got a hair transplant i think a lot of men are more sensitive about this than what a lot of women would assume even kyle and berg spoke about this in their live show the imperfects live show about how it's the number one question they get is what's that hair medication that you're on

Starting point is 00:34:10 yeah because he spoke about being on it on their pod and now hundreds of people a lot of men are really sensitive about it i know so many men so many men that have had hair transplants yeah just book a holiday to turkey no but no but i'm not even saying that about how i'm not saying it to say how easy it is i'm saying to say how much of it is it's it's an issue to people like people men are self-conscious about that kind of a thing I know people that have had beard transplants because their beards aren't growing like their beards grow really patchy and they really want to fill them in like yeah I agree with what you're saying that it is more of an issue to a lot of men than people think I mean when I went into the hair clinic to have my consultation around having you

Starting point is 00:34:47 know lots of hair loss it was me and it was three men in the waiting room and all of them were waiting for surgery every single one of them so like they were all on their day one of surgery so like yeah it's definitely a very common thing but like we've established it's not for you to tell him yeah yeah i have been with my partner for almost five years we recently got married we don't have a particularly regular sex life maybe a handful of times per year that's not a lot is it not a handful of times per year and when we do it's pretty vanilla which is fine so recently after one too many drinks we started getting steamy and me with my liquid courage asked if he wanted to incorporate my vibrator into the mix. Until then, he didn't know that

Starting point is 00:35:29 I had or used a vibrator. I had some shame about it when I started using the vibrator years and years ago. This was before I even met him, but I slowly realized how normal it was. Fast forward to when I asked my partner if we should start trying to use it during sex, he was immediately shocked and shut it down. He got quite upset. Now, I'm not sure whether it was about the fact that I had a vibrator or that I just caught him by surprise but he said he felt a bit attacked I was really upset by it all as all I wanted to do was spice things up am I in the wrong here he was upset enough to sleep in the spare room and the next day we just went on like nothing happened this is a wild question to me um I think some very very big conversations need to happen with

Starting point is 00:36:11 your partner if I was gonna like psychoanalyze him I have no skills and no qualifications so tell me if I'm fucking way off there's not a lot of sex that's happening in your relationship a couple of times a year is you know and if you're both fine with that that's absolutely fine but if you're not fine with that and maybe he isn't fine with that maybe he would like to have more intimacy with you maybe he would like to have more sex and then this to him is like oh you are doing it you're just not doing it with me and that is the thing is that's probably made him feel attack it's an ego thing it's a feeling of disconnection i'm trying to play devil's advocate on this because i i don't think it always necessarily has to be this like

Starting point is 00:36:54 i'm trying to control you and you shouldn't have a vibrator like having vibrators are incredibly normal but i do think that sometimes our partners could feel insecure if they think that we're preferencing using a vibrator over having sex with them and in this instance how irregular your sex is might make him feel like it wasn't good enough yeah but this on the flip side could be the opposite it could be the fact that he also doesn't want to have the intimacy and she wants more and because she's not getting it she's using a vibrator like we're not who's us to say that it's the man that wants more not the woman totally and also look that's why i'm like i think a big conversation needs to happen here and like it's ego he's obviously got a bit of ego hurt in there

Starting point is 00:37:34 but having a chat as to like okay are we having enough sex are we having the type of sex we want to be having and if it does go down a track of being like weirdly accusatory around this vibrator conversation there's also a conversation there where you're like well how how often are you masturbating how can you be angry at me about a vibrator if you're also self-pleasuring like this is just it's a crazy thing to be arguing about but I really think it comes down to his self-confidence and also his ego that's what this is tied into I think it's ego as well and at the end of the day you've said am i the problem here absolutely not was this worthy of him sleeping in the other room like no i'm i know each relationship is different but fuck come on yeah vibrators are the most

Starting point is 00:38:19 normal thing in a relationship you're having sex five times a year it would be remiss of him or very ignorant of him to think that you were not pleasuring yourself at any other point in the year because i can guarantee you he's masturbating throughout the year yeah but it's it's kind of sad to me that he has this insecurity that's what that is like and i know that i'm playing devil's advocate I'm sure there's people who heard that question and were like fuck him but like I read that as a deeply insecure person when it comes to like sex and it comes to relationships in terms of like your intimacy so I think sit down with him and be like I know that this is something that we've just brushed under the carpet the reason why I suggested it is because I would

Starting point is 00:38:59 love for us to look at spicing up our relationship I'm not trying to replace you with this I want to include it because it's something that brings more pleasure and potentially could bring more pleasure to both of us but I need to understand why it upset you so much was it the way I suggested it was it the suggestion in total like let's talk about this and I think by sitting down and having an honest conversation you'll get more out of him yeah and non-accusatory and just like fucking unpack that yeah you need to understand why he felt the way he felt because this situation does not warrant the response that he gave you in any capacity like I know we're tiptoeing around here and I don't want to throw him under the bus

Starting point is 00:39:39 and I don't want to protect him either. But what I will say is that that response is too much for what happened. 100%. Absolutely not. To the point that you have to write to us and say, am I in the wrong? He's attacked. He's not even sleeping in the room anymore.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Like that's absolutely not. You wanting to put a vibrator in your sex life with your husband is not an issue. But you do need to understand why he responded like that. It's very shamey, isn't it? Yeah, I don't like it at all. And that's why I don't want to protect him and say, like let's find out what's wrong with him you do need to find out what's wrong with him and why he

Starting point is 00:40:11 responded like that but it's not justified and yeah yeah yeah i'm not saying it's justified maybe it's the circumstance of bringing it in when you're getting hot and heavy rather than having a pre-conversation about it engaging his feelings you know what i mean like if you guys have been together for five years you've had missionary sex for five years and you only have sex four to five times a year like you know some people have a high eq some people have high sex EQ you know he might not have that and I guess that's why I'm kind of like I don't want to I don't want to attack him and be like he's a bad person or like you know I just think you need to better understand why the why around this because he might not have done anything but missionary sex

Starting point is 00:40:50 ever but she might have been really intimidating to him yes but she hasn't done anything wrong she didn't just whip it out too she even says to him I stopped and asked him if he would like to incorporate she even asked for the consent to bring it into that moment so like there's just nothing that you've done here. All you need to do is try and understand his reaction, but he needs to understand why his reaction was too much. He needs to understand as much as you need to understand. All right. I have next question. And this one is pretty full on. I think my partner is controlling, but I'm not sure if I'm just being dramatic. He once said, if I go on a girl's trip, he'll break up with me. When I work at a mine site, which is around 80% male, he makes me feel

Starting point is 00:41:30 bad for having a drink with them he makes me feel bad after doing anything fun aka drinking with friends he always expects me to excuse myself after burping like i'm sorry i'm a barbie girl he likes andrew tate plus there's a lot more do you think it's time to leave my friends think yes but i don't have a large group of friends to lean on for this sort of advice is this something people can work through and if i don't want to waste my time and work through it is it bad No. If you don't want to waste your time and work through it, leave. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:00 Sorry, you had me at Andrew Tate. If he's an Andrew Tate supporter, there is no way I would be in a relationship with an Andrew Tate supporter ever. The fact that he also doesn't let you go away with your friends, your girlfriends, makes you feel bad for literally having fun. This is your quote. The burping thing I get. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:17 I mean, you can excuse yourself after burping. That's not control. He's not trying to control you there. Yeah. The burping thing is just manners. Like that's just, yeah, let's let that one slide. But the Andrew Tate, the controlling, the not letting you go for a drink after work, doing anything fun with any of your friends, I would be looking for the closest exit personally.

Starting point is 00:42:37 Yeah, I think it is a very big alarm bell. It's a really big red flag when someone tries to make you feel guilty for something that is very innocent and it is simply enjoying yourself. And it is a normal part of having other relationships outside of your relationship. if that's hanging out with friends if that's speaking with colleagues whatever that looks like if your partner is making you feel guilty for doing those things when you have done absolutely nothing wrong it is like a slow erosion because the problem is what happens often in those situations is that you go god it's easier to either just not do it because I can't be bothered

Starting point is 00:43:14 with the argument at home so then you stop hanging out with your friends because you can't be bothered to have the the disagreement or the argument and it's like that's how you become isolated in these types of controlling relationships you have seen the things that have been really big red flags to you that are enough of a red flag to write into us you've also spoken about it with your friends often our friends can see things that we can't see so maybe it is a case that you know they're hearing your version of what is happening in your relationship and they're like this does not sound normal or healthy but what you have described does not sound normal or healthy and it is not normal to be made to feel bad for simple

Starting point is 00:43:51 normal behavior that allows you to have relationships outside of your romantic relationship. And on top of what you've told us, you said, plus there's a lot more. So the fact that there is more than what you've already told us is really concerning. But I just think you have to think too, everything you said, you know, is not right. But on top of that, your partner, you want to be aligned with at least morally and with what you believe in. He supports Andrew Tate. Andrew Tate is in prison or house arrest for sex trafficking. He believes women should not have the same rights as men. He believed women is on this earth to serve men. Yeah. He's vile. He's vile. And if that is somebody that your partner looks up to, I know I wouldn't be in a relationship with somebody

Starting point is 00:44:37 like that. And that's not even an isolated incident. You have also layered this conversation with so many other very, very alarming issues. I think deep down, you know, the answer. And sometimes we just look for people to reaffirm what we already know like you just want the support and the confidence to leave and very very very rarely Delora and I give a definitive answer on these questions should I leave or should I stay because they're always so complex for me this is definitive and I don't do it often leave like you deserve better than what this person is doing to you yeah and I also like the only thing I'll add to that because I also agree with you Brit I think absolutely leave. Things never get better in relationships. They don't just spontaneously

Starting point is 00:45:18 resolve. People don't just become spontaneously secure in themselves and secure in their partner having friends and going and having a drink with their friends after work. The fact that you work in a male-dominated industry and that is really unnerving for him just shows that this is going to be a type of behavior that will become more controlling because he's not going to get more secure he's only going to get more insecure and that's when more controlling behavior occurs it also upsets me and makes me angry the more I read this because as women and I don't know if he has been gaslighting you into this or if society gaslights us into being like this but you have told us all of these things and you've literally said I'm not sure if I'm just being dramatic the

Starting point is 00:45:59 fact that you think someone controlling what you do when you do it if you can have fun if you can go out after work if you can go out with your friends the fact that we still think and have to ask ourselves am i just being am i overreacting am i being dramatic like you are absolutely not and this narrative and this conversation has to stop this conversation where we second guess everything that we do when we are made to feel like this i've just had enough of it that's why i'm like i'm just gonna say fucking leave yeah he's not for you i agree look i mean that's it from us guys if you have a question for ask uncut send it on into our instagram at life Fun Cup Podcast, or you can send it by email if you absolutely desire.

Starting point is 00:46:40 We also have a YouTube channel, so you can go and watch all of our episodes on YouTube. They're fun to watch if you haven't seen it yet. Well, you get a whole different little, I feel like it's a very different vibe watching on YouTube versus listening to us in your ears. Yeah, 100%. And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends, and share the love, because we love love!

Starting point is 00:47:06 We'll be right back.

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