Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Misheard Lyrics, Catching Yawns & Do You Need Marriage to Solidify the Commitment?

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

Hey Lifers! Welcome to your therapy Thursday! This episode is not brought to you tourism Magnetic Island, but it would be understandable if you were mistaken. Happy 70th birthday to Laura's dad and big shout out to all of the koala's. Today we lost it laughing hearing all of your misheard lyrics! We officially feel better about the silly lyrical mistakes we make! Vibes for the week: Keeshia - Sleep! Sleep tracking, rain sounds (rain, rain and myNoise are good) and this episode of a podcast with Dr Matt Walker on the Diary of a CEO Britt: Chrome coloured nails Laura: the Life Uncut live show! Then we jump into your questions: My partner doesn’t yawn at the same time as me. He doesn’t “catch” my yawns. Does that mean he isn’t emotionally connected to me? My bf and I have been together 5 years, lived together for 2, bought our dog a year ago. We both see our future together and always talk about it. I feel really strongly about getting engaged and have been pretty clear about it but it is not on his mind. He always says things like "what's the rush" and "we have everything we need" and I think he genuinely believes and means that. He says he doesn't "feel ready" and that it's not me it's him. His parents are divorced, so are his grandparents, uncle, Auntie, sister's husband. The family is full of divorce. I am from a family where there has been no divorce. I think we see marriage and engagement very differently because of this. It has created some tense conversations and we both understand how each other feel but neither of us will budge. Am I being stupid getting so worked up over a ring when everything else is great? My best friend has always struggled with not feeling good enough for the men she dates. She has had a few situationships but last year she got into her first official relationship. I really don’t like her boyfriend but I haven’t said anything. However, over this past year I’ve heard him make comments about her weight. She has also lost A LOT of weight since being with him. Last night we went out for dinner and he made comments like ‘you should work out more’ ‘when we get done with dinner you should jog back to the car’ and ‘are you finishing all of that?’. I’m worried about what his comments are doing to her mentally. How do I talk to her about this? If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xx  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. And I'm Laura and I am having a breakdown. Just a small one. Okay, that's not a joke.

She actually just did. No, it's not. I'm not joking. I just had a big cry before we started recording. Everything's on fire. The world is lava. I know we joke about how, like, chaotic things are. You know, you would think that over the years we would have gotten better.

Today, we had to record this on Tuesday because I'm heading to Townsville to see my dad. It's his 70th birthday. Happy birthday. Shout out to Terry Byrne. Hey, Terry. Who has never listened to an episode of this podcast. And never will.

entire life thank god for that but that's because he lives on an island with no service no wi-fi no home phone no running water my my dad would live in a in a tent if he could like he'd live in one of those like rucksack things do you know my favorite thing about your dad is like you've spoken about your dad a lot he's an amazing man he spent many years serving australia in the army my favorite thing is his obsession with the koalas so this my i love terry loves koalas Terry for president. No, not Terry for president. Terry has PTSD from serving in the army.

No, Terry for like koala president. I mean, like the very short version of my dad's story. Dad was a sniper in the Australian army, worked in secret services. It is. It's wild. It is actually wild. It's amazing. And he then really struggled with PTSD like a lot of people do who are ex-veterans.

And then he decided he wanted to be on his own and live on an island. and he lives on Magnetic Island in Townsville where there's a very small population of people and he doesn't have to talk to anyone and he just lives in a little house with his dog and we're going to go and celebrate his 70th birthday. So this is going to be so much social interaction for him. The whole family's going.

You need to, you missed the important part was like his connection to the koalas. Oh, and there's lots of koalas that are chlamydia free on Magnetic Island. It's the only chlamydia free population in Australia. Did you know that? Yeah, and your dad, Terry, does a lot of charity work

and like raises money for koalas and it's really cool he's like king of koalas over there so the only time i really hear from my dad like with any sort of consistency is when he's like hey laura there's a fundraiser for the koalas hey laura i took a photo of a koala in my backyard but we i'm about that because the koalas are endangered and we are losing them a lot and i think it's really important that we we do everything we can to keep them alive if you've not been to magnetic island shout out magnetic island it is a fucking beautiful place that is in a time warp you get onto the island you feel like you're back in the 70s there's tiny little mini moogs there's like you can walk down the street and there's a koala in the gum tree just on the side of the road

it's it's a really incredible place so i have like my new hobby this is not sponsored by magnetic island fyi and let me tell you this terry bird doesn't want you on his island but it's a great place to go okay so my new hobby is that I look at good houses I'll probably never have all over Australia sometimes the world sometimes fun hobby I do the same I love it some of them I could have one day and then there are the ones where I'm like imagine having 30 million dollars to buy this beautiful house anyway I saw a property that I probably could afford on Magnetic Island it was it was for sale and the thought crossed my mind I was like do I want Terry Byrne as a neighbor I don't know. He would definitely come over. You'd find him in your backyard one day and he'd just be

digging up sweet potatoes. You're like, Terry, what are you doing here? Terry, they're my sweet potatoes. Go back onto your side of the fence. Oh, those butch turkeys are just trying to fix the fence. Anyway, so that's what I'm doing. That's not why I'm having a breakdown. I'm having a breakdown because we're recording this Tuesday morning. The live show tickets are supposed to go on sale at one o'clock. They're not. They're going on sale at four o'clock. But that's because like taylor swift the site crashed you guys jumped on you were too many of you which we love and this and the site crashed i wish that that was the truth the truth of the matter is is that the lack of organization around the announcement of the live show meant that we didn't have the

website set up properly yeah look it's a sinking ship but come to the live show because it's going to be way better than the website basically it wasn't that it was disorganized but it was that there were two different parties doing it and everyone thought the other party was doing something and there was a little mishap but it will be no one's going to miss out i mean people will miss out but you're not going to miss out because of this they're just going to go live a little bit later this is the thing right we talk about on every ask uncut episode communication is key and this is what happens when communication breaks down laura cries breaks down 25 minutes before the episode starts but anyway i want to show you something live now i told you i fell

downstairs yes you're gonna show me your ass aren't you i am gonna show you my bum can you sign a waiver for me first can i sign a consent form okay i'm consenting live do you want to see my ass yes i actually never thought you'd ask it's like i've waited for four years i've seen your supple nipples i've seen your soft everyone's happening in real time i'm taking my pants off keisha is looking offended okay hang on laura i'm gonna talk us through it laura is wearing big baggy black jeans like it looks like a 12 year old skater boy i'm wearing a g-string which means you'll probably see my butthole so you've got undies on yeah no i've got full briefs on thank god you've got bridget jones's oh okay hang on my ass i'm looking at the right cheek there's

basically under it's a great butt but under the butt hang on please quiet up right now quiet dry brushing is helping it at the moment laura quiet i'm explaining to the people this is not of visual medium keep it down don't put your pants up so basically some black lacy undies under the crease is a huge i don't know if you can even see that laura that's deep there are two big bruises big bruise up the side you really took a fall wow and it's just the right cheek do you know i needed to share this because you know when you hurt yourself and you don't get any level of sympathy i've been like hobbling around my house like matt my bottom hurts he doesn't care so i need to show other people my bum so that someone at least goes you're okay

like you like validate my fall just want someone to say you're okay i've protected my child like a hero laura i don't think that's about the butt i think you just need someone to ask if you're okay and hold you for a minute i will do it immediately after this i will hold you while you cry the answer to the question is no i'm not okay oh it's it this is a wild intro but it has been a wild morning. Do you know what I did? This is how stupid I am. This morning, I was like 30 minutes late for our record, which didn't help for a situation which was fragile already. I left. I mean, I had one job. I've been talking about this fertility thing that I'm doing. It's only day two and you have to do your injections at the same time every day. Like without doubt, you have to

do it or it doesn't work properly. Now it's the morning. So this is day two. I only started yesterday. I got up, didn't even think about it, truck and drove to work. And I was on my way here and I was like, oh my God, I didn't take my medication. I didn't do the injection. So I had to turn around, drive back. This is peak hour traffic now in Sydney, drive back, do the injection, get back on the road and come to work. But like one job. And considering that you've been talking about it so much right it's like yeah i mean you had one thing to remember you've had multiple things to remember there's a lot going on today i'm trying to make an excuse for why i did what i did this morning i also think we just need to be more like terry burn and just live on an island

and talk about koalas and life would be more simple and happier that's why i looked at a house there no one can contact me no but the reason was and now ben just thinks i'm irresponsible for our future child now because we're in the car on the way and he's like how was your injection this morning and I was like oh about that it will be good in a minute when I turn around and drive back Brit had her injection the live show stuff is sorted this is just your reminder that when you're listening to this tickets are on sale I have no idea how they've sold so far because they haven't gone on sale yet as of recording but when you're listening to it they will be on sale we've got eight locations seven of them are in Australia all across the country we're going to

Auckland so if you're one of our New Zealand listeners get your friends get your girlfriends get your boyfriends, get your non-binaries and all let's go have a Prosecco. It is going to be the night of your life. It's going to be so fun. The Auckland venue is beautiful. Have you seen the pictures? It's amazing. Oh, originally. So it's in like the Auckland town hall. And I was like, are we doing this at a Girl Scouts? Is this at a brownies convention? And it turns out it's actually just the most stunning venue. Cause we didn't look at the venue, right? They're like, okay we've booked you Auckland Town Hall because somebody looks at the best venues and we were like oh you literally feel like you're gonna have to do a one dollar donation and sell brownies when

we get in there like I felt like we were going to Girl Scouts and it was only a couple of days ago we saw the venue and we're like oh my god it's magnificent but each of the venues not just I mean Auckland is really pretty we're doing State Theatre in Sydney all the venues are amazing and they're all around the 2000 capacity so the shows are going to be huge they're going to be so much fun anyway that's your reminder again we're gonna put the link in the show notes go get your tickets they are on pre-sale now only for you guys and then you know in a week or two they go on like full sale across all of live nation's websites so go and get them first so you can get really good seats at the front so like when we speak really loudly you get spat on they're the best

things all right moving moving on so you might remember last week you might remember it was like five days ago last week i was talking about how when i was young that song i was insanity i was wearing the headphones i was singing out loud to the song i had my first real six string played it on this whatever the words are i don't know them all clearly yeah because the point of the story was i wasn't singing i had my first real six string i was singing i had my first real sex dream hugely embarrassing turns out that all of you have had songs that you misheard the lyrics to and embarrassingly sung the wrong lyrics also we just fill in the blanks right yeah the mama mia song i sing wrong every time we were brokenhearted oh since the day we parted and matt's like it's

blue and he always corrects me but i sing the same thing oh since the day we parted oh i sing that too it's blue since the day we okay everyone's blowing their minds oh my god i didn't know that either there you go well you know what fuck you matt because he makes me feel so dumb fuck you matt fuck you matt you guys wrote in with all of the misheard lyrics the things that you have been singing incorrectly over the years and they are so fucking funny that we wanted to share them with you before we get into answering your questions i'm gonna kick it off you've got the fattest cock you have the fattest cock you got the fattest cock instead of you got a fast car hang on how are we doing this are we gonna sing it oh you have to sing everyone oh fuck sorry guys

cheap one and a three-legged gold okay listen to this one i'm your penis i'm your fire i'm your desire instead of i'm your venus i can't believe you kiss your cock at night because he's very flexible there's so many cocks in mind don't impress me much shania twain obviously it is you don't impress me much yeah but it's the you kiss your cock at night is not it's you kiss your car at night oh it's not the impress me much that was the problem on that one okay every night I'll find someone like you this is Adele instead of never mind I'll find someone like you she finds them every night every night I'll find someone like you

okay I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot him dead he okay the national anthem this one actually came through a lot okay the national anthem okay they thought it said our home is good i see instead of our home is good i see our home is good i see i mean australia is good it's a good place and i do see it okay i see that okay terry burn's gonna love this one if you like being a koala and getting caught in the rain if you like instead of if you like pina colada if you like being a

koala i i yeah i'm deceased these are so funny okay this is one of my favorites you know fat man scoop no who's who's fucking tonight who's fucking tonight oh yeah that's that's my 18 to 20 that was me at a club okay fat man scoop grinding on some man it's literal the song is called i'm pretty sure who's fucking tonight this person thought they said who's the fork in the knife who's the fork in the knife who's the fork in the knife why would anyone say that why would anyone say that do you know what that's like the most amazing pg or g-rated version of this it's like if you're gonna turn that song into a kid's song that's what that is what a lullaby to kids who's the fuck in the night who's the fuck in the knife

i am dead i remove umbilicals i'm a midwife oh my gosh okay this is another national anthem australians all and ostriches we don't even have ostriches in australia this person thought we did i think they mistook them for emus i think this song i mean this is one that's like very famous at the moment lewis capaldi song but instead i only wish you were dead is it what i wish you the best i only wish you the best But instead, I only wish you were dead. Oh, guys.

Okay, I've got one more. I don't remember how this goes. Like, shake it like a Polaroid picture. How does that go? Shake it. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. Shake it. Well, this is shake it like a Puerto Rican pizza.

People can't really think. Okay. Hilary Duff. You know, Our Lips Are Sealed? It goes, our lips are sealed. I don't know that song. Our lips are sealed. I'm tone deaf, but you will know it if we sing it.

Anyway, everybody thought it was Alex the Seal. I have one more and it's Rihanna's Umbrella. And this person thought it was Under My Arm Forever, Ever, Ever. That's pretty cute though. Is it? Yeah, because I'll walk with you under my arm forever. It's better than Umbrella actually. That should have been the lyrics.

Because I remember when Umbrella came out, I was like, this is the most stupid lyric I've ever heard. It doesn't rain all the time. You don't always need an umbrella, but you always need to be under something. It's raining more than ever because we're in the middle of La Nina. You can be under my arm forever in case I lose my umbrella. Oh, my God. How did we not get a job as a singer?

How are we on radio and we don't know the lyrics to any of the songs? Anytime you guys want us on The Masked Singer, we're ready. I will dress up as a giant thong and I will sing my heart out. It is time for our vibe and unsubscribe. Keisha, little petite, Keisha petite. what is your vibe today my vibe for the week hard to summarize as like one particular thing because lately I have really been vibing sleep elements to this that like I've just started to get absolutely obsessed with sleep and I know that a lot of people are going to be listening to this

being like oh must be nice like you don't have kids and you work from home some days I think we more just lost listeners because you just vibe sleep like everyone does every night wait are you vibing tracking your sleep a couple of different aspects of the sleep so sleep tracking is definitely a part of it i had this really old fitbit and i'd forgotten about it but i was like i used to use that to track my sleep so i redownloaded the app i've like charged it up i've been sleeping with it for the past couple of weeks and i have a goal and it's to get eight hours of sleep a night because i think yeah i knew it was gonna come anyone that has a child is going to be like, fuck off.

You are opening yourself up here, Keisha. I used to have one of them and I felt personally victimised so that's why I stopped using it. But Matt, obsessed with tracking his sleep, obsessed with hitting like sleep goals, like deep REM and whatever, he talks about it all the time, but he also tracks his heart rate. And we've had sex before and he stopped and he looked at his watch and I realised he was checking his heart rate during sex.

Do you want to know the worst part? I already know this because Matt and I have spoken about it because we bond over how we both track our sleep. You're nerds. Well, sleep is the elixir to life, okay? And I say this as someone who used to have very troubled sleep and I had a bit of a period of my life where, like, it was really a problem that impacted me in a really bad way. But there is also an episode.

So the number one sleep expert in the world, his name is Matthew Walker, and of course he was on Diary of a CEO because, you know, I love Stephen Bartlett. So this is my second week in a row recommending that book. Keisha's like, stop listening to Laugh Uncut. Go listen to Diary of a CEO. Well, this is all about sleep and like how it's so important and how you can try and improve it. Imagine being an expert on sleep.

Like the one thing that you decided to dedicate your life to. I'd love that. I think this is hard because half the population doesn't have the luxury. Even if they want to sleep, they don't get to. No, I disagree. No, I mean with the kids. Sorry, I mean with kids. Even so, I think like when you have very, very young kids,

it's obviously an exception to the rule. but I think so many of us prioritize like death scrolling at nighttime or we procrastinate. For me, for example, I stay up really late sometimes and sometimes I'm not being productive, but it is the couple of hours where I feel like I have time to myself, even though I could use those hours more productively by sleeping, a death scroll. I also think that there's a bit of a hangover from the whole like hustle culture, sleep when you're dead kind of vibe. The lack of sleep that people can function on has almost been worn as a badge of honor of like well i only need four hours and you know we heard about all these billionaires that only need four hours of sleep it's actually

not true and women need more sleep than men they've proven that it's a hormone thing so i am feeling really good it's something that i'm really putting a lot of my energy into i'm doing all of the things i'm putting my energy into yeah i've got the rain sounds i've got the sleep tracking i've tried to do the right things before i go to bed i'm gonna tell you something that's gonna make you're vomiting your mouth so ben and i because we're on opposite sides of the world and the time is so different that when i'm going to bed i only get a window of like half an hour to talk to him at night and i have to stay up late to have that window so we chat for like 15 20 minutes and then i go to sleep but what we do is i put the ipad down and he threw his he stays on the ipad and

he plays meditation music or rain music or he'll go and find a sleep soundtrack and he'll just play it through his iPad until I fall asleep and then he hangs up the iPad I think it's really cute I don't know that's nice because they're doing long distance that's cute but he puts me to sleep with his music he's like no babe and then he puts it and he'll hang up once he knows that I've drifted off I think it's really cute I think that's cute but that's also like a testament to the fact that like you seek out ways to have connection when you're doing totally I actually I read this article quite a while ago Business Insider did an article and when you talk about this idea of hustle culture and how we glorify people who don't sleep. I just looked it up because I remember reading it

and it was about all these successful CEOs and billionaires who basically get very minimal sleep and are hugely successful. People like Martha Stewart, who talks about how she only gets four hours sleep a night. People like Tom Ford, who only gets three hours sleep a night. And I do definitely think that there's been this shift from sacrificing so much about your personal self in order to get ahead in life versus I think that this kind of the pendulum swinging the other way where people are tracking their sleep again they're tracking their wellness and they're kind of prioritizing their self which is also nice to see interestingly something i learned from all of the podcasts that i've been listening to about sleep is that consistent really good sleep is

the number one preventative thing for things like dementia and alzheimer's so there are chemical processes that happen in your sleep that can't be mimicked through like you can't get that through having coffee during the day you know there are things that happen in sleep that we have in our society I think tried to kind of make up for you know like oh if I've had a really bad sleep I'll just have an extra coffee today well it doesn't really work like that this is a sleep podcast good night everybody this is a wellness health I'm sorry if we just lost you and you had a nap as well we'll bring it back my vibe for the week is chrome nails now bear with me I've never had chrome nails before but Kylie Jenner is big on chrome nails and I got suggested them by this

sounds like wankerish but when my stylist was dressing me for the Logies she was like what nails are you doing I was like oh my god as if I didn't even think about it she's like I think you try chrome so it's just the type and the look of the nail is it like sns acrylic or yeah it's it's like an sns but it's the chrome is the type of the color where it's almost like a medley opal reflective kind of nail and that's my vibe of the week I've been really really loving them so that's it. It's a beauty vibe. I have not had my nails done in about two years. You didn't even do them by nose. I look like my nails have been shoved into like a food processor and I didn't even do them for the Logies. They're so bad. My vibe for the week is self-indulgent one, but I'm going to

remind you anyway, go and buy tickets to the live show. Now let's get into your questions. Question number one. Now this got sent around in our group chat as possibly the weirdest question that we have ever received. Keisha's response to this was, is this the worst question we've ever received? And then it sparked an interesting conversation. So I thought, we'll bring it here to you. Potentially the worst question, but look, we don't say that with prejudice. We say it because I mean, you'll understand why. My partner doesn't yawn at the same time as me. He doesn't quote unquote, catch my yawns. Does this mean that he isn't emotionally connected to me? I'm going to jump in first and just say I think that the litmus

for having a good connection with your partner has gone too far. We expect too much. It is okay if your partner doesn't yawn at the same time. You could still be in a great relationship. But Britt had a different take on this. Yeah, don't go breaking up with him because he's not yawning, but be aware he could be a psychopath. He could be a serial killer.

So this is funny, right? The group chat, we're all laughing. I just want to say, I want to reiterate, this is not a made-up question this was sent into us as an ask uncut question yeah do I not have a connection because my partner doesn't catch my yawn okay everyone was laughing at this question because they were like this is so funny because this doesn't mean anything they didn't catch a yawn so what kind of a thing and then I because I'm obsessed with crime and serial killers and psychopaths and narcissists it's like my other hobby one of my hobbies is looking at homes and

the other hobby is looking at criminals it's actually a part of a psychopath test so when they test so now bear with me when they test psychopaths there is a hair psychopath checklist that they go through like there's lots of things that they have to tick what's the telltale signs of a serial killer well they do questions about superficial charm impulsive behavior pathological lies like there's a whole checklist but this is from insider.com but there's a lot of actual research done on this. They like, it could be a simpler way to see if someone is a psychopath and that is yawning. So yawning is an empathetic response. And I don't know if a lot of people know that, but a yawn is something, the reason we say, do you catch a yawn? People do catch them

because we look at someone yawning and inside we're empathetic to them, but they're tired. And as a result, we reflect that back, we mirror, we yawn. Yeah. So yawning, they usually are something that you can quote unquote catch but because one of the characteristics of a psychopath is that they don't have empathy and their connection to reality so one of the things is they they don't yawn back so it's actually a checklist is do you got your yawn because you could be a psychopath now just because someone doesn't yawn back doesn't mean they're the next Jeffrey Dahmer like let's be clear but it could but it could so maybe you need to do the rest of a checklist. I reckon if this is the only reason why you're thinking you don't have an emotional

connection, you're probably okay. If everything else is good and it's just the lack of yawning, then I reckon stay in the relationship, steadfast, keep going. If there are other things like he's unreliable, he lies to you, he murdered your cat, any of those sorts of telltale signs that maybe he is a serial killer. Well, honestly, I mean, that went really, that got dark real quick. He lies to you he's inconsistent well according to a study from 2015 published in the journal personality and individual differences psychopaths aren't so susceptible to yawns the researchers from baylor university recruited 135 students and measured their personalities for psychopathic traits they then subjected them to a contagious yawning experiment those who scored highly on

the psychopathic scale were far less likely to catch a yawn so they have done real life scientific studies this has been in these like it's in journals and a lot of people don't know about it so you guys all go home tonight yawn right in front of your partner see what happens i also want to say this don't ever come to life uncut and say you don't learn something totally don't ever don't ever turn around and say you know those life uncut girls don't know what they're talking about because we do we do our research on everything everything from yawns to anal sex I don't know it's a real it's the pinkies and the stinkies when I told producer Keisha this when I said no this is a thing she was in hysteric she's like as if what a load of

shit and I was like girl google it and she goes oh my god I can't believe it's real every day's a school day all right question number two my boyfriend and I have been together for five years we've lived together for two we bought our dog a year ago we both see our future together and always talk about it I feel really strongly about getting engaged and have been pretty clear about it, but it is not in his mind. He always says things like, well, what's the rush? And we have everything we need. And I think he genuinely believes that and means that. He says he doesn't feel ready and that it's not me, it's him. His parents are divorced and so are his grandparents, uncle, auntie, sisters, husband, everyone is divorced. The family is full of divorce. I am

from a home where there has been no divorce. I think we see marriage and engagement very differently because of this. It has created some tense conversations and we both understand how each other feel but neither of us will budge am i being stupid getting so worked up over a ring when everything else is great this is a tricky one because some people do feel really really strongly maybe it's for a religious reason or maybe it's just a self-validation for themselves about marriage and about having the official document the official ceremony and taking that next step as a couple and i think that's wonderful some people couldn't care less it doesn't mean anything to them and it doesn't mean that you mean anything less to them like that's super important

you can find the love of your life and not ever want to marry them but you only ever want to be with them for your entire life but the important thing is is that you share the same views on it because otherwise that mismatch can create so much especially for the person who wants to get married it can create so many feelings of being invalidated I always think and I have thought about this many times because over the years this type of a question in different variants has come through and it is something that shouldn't be not taken seriously in your relationship but what I've always thought is relationships are about compromise always someone is always going to have to compromise in a relationship where you live how many kids you have what you do for work where you

go for a holiday who's going to look after the kids more whatever there's always a compromise in this situation when one person wants to get married and one person doesn't I've always thought the happy medium is can you be engaged so you've got the meaning and the commitment and you've got the ring and you've had that special moment because that moment means a lot to people too literally just the proposal and those words and the meaning behind the ring can you come to a compromise where you have the ring and you have the proposal which means he's compromising to do that and you're compromising without the wedding if you still want to have a wedding in terms of a ceremony to celebrate with friends but for him what's the reason he doesn't want to get married

is it because he doesn't want to sign a binding piece of paper can you just have a more spiritual celebration together where you you have a moment you tell each other what you mean to each other and you do everything without it being official for me I probably wouldn't want that but that is a compromise I think it is I agree with you Brit it's a really really hard one because people come to the decision about marriage based on their own upbringings based on their own experience of what marriage is and how that was reflected in their households and how they grew up exposed to it and I guess the big thing here is and the part that stands out to me in your question is he says he's not ready he said I don't feel ready to get married yet he's not saying he doesn't want to

get married at all he's just not ready yet and that may mean that in the future he does feel ready but what does that look like in terms of a timeline and a time frame for him so I think it's very important to sit down and have two separate conversations one of them is do you not want to get married at all in your life or is it simply a matter of you're not ready yet to get married like you're not at a point in our relationship or in in terms of what you see for us to get married because often I think a lot of people think well once we get married we're going to have kids like I think that a lot of people think that that's a normal succession of time it's almost like the stepping stones right oh we have to do this now yeah and I guess like for some

people who maybe want to slow that down they'll say well I'm not ready because it's like well once the wedding happens then you know if they think that kids are on the cards it might speed up the process towards that next life decision and he might just be really happy with where his life is at the moment it doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you at all but I say this from someone who's come from a family where divorce was also really prolific my parents got divorced when I was three. My mom got divorced again when I was eight. My dad got divorced a second time when I was 13. You've been around it a lot. Yeah. My parents both got remarried. My dad separated again a third time. So like marriage and divorce has been very, very different in my

family. And I always thought I would never get married. That's not been a priority to me in my relationships. It's probably also another reason as to why I didn't take Matt's last name, because for me that piece of paper and that ceremony doesn't hold the same weight although I do appreciate how incredible the day was and I also appreciate how incredible it is to be married because there's almost like a another layer of comfort I guess in being married that I wasn't expecting personally I kind of expected it to not change anything also you got great photos for the photo wall so beautiful I'm gonna have my own shrine I think on a base level like it hasn't changed our relationship, but it has given me this little extra layer of security in knowing

that Matt's in it for the long haul. And I think that that's what a lot of people get out of marriage, you know, and everyone kind of, like I said, feels differently about it. But I do think it's important that often the advice that I hear is like, well, if he wanted to marry you, he would marry you. And like, you know, that you both have to be on the same page, but I do think it is also really important to take into consideration his experience and his feelings and to understand that just because he doesn't want to get married doesn't invalidate your relationship it doesn't mean he loves you less and it doesn't mean that that's not something that might be on the cards for the future it just means that his experience of what marriage looks like is very very different

to you and I would say definitely don't discard your relationship or don't feel devalued or don't push for something too ferociously if everything else is so great but you do need to understand the why why doesn't he why isn't he ready yet because if you've been together 10 years and someone says I'm not ready I'd be like well is that because it's me or is it yeah yeah so you find out the why is it something about his his upbringing and that's what he's scared about has he 100% been like I want to be with you forever I will give you the ring I will give you that to make you feel the commitment but it's just the marriage because if he's still undecided about you in any capacity that's a red flag you need to deal with separately yeah I totally agree and

look if it does come to a point for you where you're like I don't want to be with you unless marriage is in our long-term future like if that is a mandatory for your relationship then it's a conversation you have to have so that you're setting the expectation for him instead of it becoming this thing where you're like well when are you going to propose well when are you going to propose and if he doesn't ever want to be married it becomes almost like an annoying thing that's brought up I think it's very important to have these conversations about well what are our long-term goals and what do you want what's a mandatory and what you want out of this relationship And if marriage is one of those things, that's okay,

but it may require a lot more conversations to get there or it may require going and having some counselling or sitting down with a third party to really air out the reasons why these are important to you and how you can get to a place where it's like a comfortable solution. Also, depending on his reasons, there are so many different options. If he's more like, I don't want a wedding, I just don't want a big wedding, elope.

Maybe he'll elope. Maybe he will go to an island with you on a holiday. There's a celebrant. It's just you two. It doesn't have to be a big hoo-ha. maybe that is a compromise as well I think you're not going to know until you figure out the why that is obviously deep in his soul but it's very important to moving forward do you think for you like if yes I want a big ring and engagement and marry yeah

in case Ben's listening but if you were in a relationship with someone who you felt safe secure and loved and you knew that they wanted to be with you but they didn't want to get married would that be a deal breaker for you no I think I would be completely okay but I would want the engagement because for me that is because I want the ring no I mean I yes but no in all honesty I'm joking I don't need a big ring but I like the idea of what you're saying it's a level of commitment where you feel and you shouldn't but you feel another level of certainty and safety and support and I think it's just a it's a really nice sign to be like I choose you to live out my days with and this is just like a a reiteration of that like of course it's not the be-all and

end-all but I would be happy with an engagement and never getting married as a sign of a commitment let not the ring but but the commitment yeah I think there was something for me there was something really special which I I had not really fully understood before I got married myself and had our wedding there was something really special about standing up in front of all of our family and friends and telling each other how much we loved each other and making that verbal commitment in front of everyone there was something really solidifying in that moment and I think because I've only ever seen the negative byproduct of marriage which is when it breaks down like I've never really witnessed in my upbringing what a good marriage looks like and I've only seen how

that commitment really doesn't mean anything when the wheels fall off the wagon and you can get divorced so i witnessed i was the witness signing the witness certificate wedding certificate for laura and matt but at the end i did like a kiss kiss and a smiley face like i signed my name and i was like kiss kiss smiley face i actually don't know if that makes it null and void so i learned this apparently what you sign on the wedding day is not actually your real wedding certificate it's okay laura no it is it's your it's the wedding certificate that you keep that you can frame or whatever it's a pretty wedding certificate but it's not what's actually lodged to the government so it's okay so she's still married yeah i'm married i'm apparently

apparently it's all it's all signed sealed delivered with a kiss kiss with a smiley face all right last question my best friend has always struggled this makes me angry my best friend has always struggled with not feeling good enough for the men she dates she's had a few situationships but last year she got into her first big official relationship i really don't like her boyfriend but I haven't said anything because I feel like my opinion shouldn't matter if she's happy with him which you know to a level is true however over this past year I have heard him make comments about her weight now she has lost a lot of weight since she's been with him and last night we went out for dinner and he made comments like quote you should work out more when we get done with

dinner you should jog back to the car and are you going to finish all of that I'm worried about what his comments are doing to her mentally how do I talk to her about this and can I talk to her about this that is fucked oh my very first thought is if these are the things that he is comfortable saying in front of people imagine what is said not in front of people we imagine what's said in private and and maybe it's subtle maybe it's not subtle but if she has had dramatic weight loss and she's struggled with feeling good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough in her relationships I mean this is the type of thing that can really trigger an eating disorder in someone this feeling of like he'll love me more if I do this or you know I'll be more beautiful

if I eat less or lose weight or xyz I actually think you have to talk to her about it but do it in a very non-accusatory way especially because you know from all the conversations we've had around non-physical forms of violence in a relationship or control in a relationship or being in a relationship with somebody who from the extreme to the mild if you have a friend who is dating someone and you are worried about them the last thing you want to do is be like hey I don't like the way he treats you I don't like this because you don't want to triangulate yourself and make them try and protect their partner and not want to talk to you about the issues in their relationship I think one of the things you could say is I noticed how he made a lot of comments

about the things that you were eating how does that make you feel and see if that opens up a way for a conversation I will also worry that if you kind of come out and say you've lost a lot of weight I'm worried about you if she's in a period of mind where she's like quite happy about the weight loss or she's like wants to lose more weight you can almost like interpret it that as like reinforcement that you're doing a good thing like I remember back in the day and I say this because I went through a period where I had, I wouldn't say I didn't have an eating disorder, but I had disordered eating. Like those two things I think can be slightly different. I lost so much weight. I was so thin and it just came after a breakup. And I thought I looked

amazing. And when people would say to me, oh, you know, are you okay? You've lost a lot of weight. I used that as reinforcement of like, yeah, I've lost a lot of weight. It was almost a compliment. Thanks for noticing. Like, yeah, it was almost a compliment. I didn't take it as though it was a concern I took it as a reinforcement that what I was doing was working so I think you have to be very careful when speaking about weight with people especially people who have had dramatic weight loss and also when they may be in a relationship that's a problematic relationship I think the biggest thing that you can do is be that person of support there have oversight try and be as close as possible so you have oversight over what's happening in the relationship so you

can see more as to how the dynamic is how he speaks to her start off with just you know are you okay did that upset you when he says these things to you because you know you are so beautiful you are so perfect and I would hate for you to feel as though you're not that in your relationship and see if that opens up a pathway for communication for her to express how she's feeling because it may be enough for her to be able to come to you and talk to you about what she's experiencing yeah look there are definitely boundaries in a friendship that you don't cross and definitely reasons you don't approach someone about their relationship but I don't think this is one of them I think as a friend this is 100% something you do need to do I think you do need

to have these conversations because it is not normal it is not right and it is very obviously affecting her mental health and the way she lives her life so I think you 100% I would say you need to speak to your friend it's just a matter of how and everything you just said is so right Laura I don't need to reiterate what you just said because it's true it's how you approach it it's really hard though it's so hard but I think this is why we have friends right and she's one of your closest friends this is why we have them there are moments in life that they need to step in and I think this is one of them the only other thing that I would add to what you said Laura is that she hasn't been in a relationship before so this is her first relationship she has nothing to compare it to

she doesn't know what a normal relationship is she probably doesn't know what respect in a relationship is what compromise in a relationship the ups the downs the highs she's got nothing to compare it to and we know that we live and we learn right I'm different in a relationship now because of the relationships I've been in I'm different now because of the shit I've been in I was with people way more fucked than this and I was with them because I didn't know better and I know better now and I would never do it again so maybe something else you need to approach her with is very gently exactly what you said Laura I noticed that these you know comments were made around your weight last night how do you feel about it blah blah blah but then I'd be

saying just so you know it's not okay be with like this is not a normal thing in a relationship like I want you to know that because maybe you don't know that but you should be with somebody that loves you exactly how you are and doesn't want to change you because I think a really big part of this is that she doesn't know that it's not a normal thing she might think that every second person is doing this and it's normal to tell your partner and you don't also know how he's doing it he might be phrasing it as I'd be more attracted to you if you lost weight it might not just be like lose weight be better it might also be like you'd be hotter if you'd be hotter if we'd have better sex if but also I don't think it's just a matter of like not knowing I don't think it's

just ignorance oh it's a whole lot I think yeah I think a big contributing factor of like this type of potential you know staying in a relationship and changing yourself when it comes from insecurities it comes from feelings of being invalidated it comes from feelings of I'm not going to get anything better than this and I want him to love me more so what can I do to be loved more and it's X, Y, and Z. The other thing I would have found it so hard as a friend in that situation, I would have found it so hard to not say something to him at the time to not say, do you know what, she doesn't have to run back to the car or, you know, are you going to eat everything on your plate? I would have had to have bitten my tongue. And I think it's because like, I'm quite a fiery

person at times. And I find it hard to not speak when I see something that I think is an injustice, you know, like if I'm ever in a situation where my friend's partners don't speak well to them, or I don't like the tone or whatever, I'm the first person to be like, don't speak to her like that. But that's also because I have a relationship with their partners and I know that they are actually good people. I have a good insight into their relationship and I know where my boundaries lie with them and I know where their boundaries lie with me. But I guess the big thing with this guy is that you probably don't have a relationship with him yet and you are still getting to know the dynamics of their relationship. So I think the best thing you can do right now is support her

and reinforce to her what isn't, isn't normal and what she should and shouldn't put up within a relationship because really like these small little digs, although they may seem insignificant, although they may not seem like a very big deal at the moment, I go back to this idea of like, well, if he's saying multiple things at dinner in front of people who he doesn't know, what is he saying to her behind closed doors? But on top of that, he's saying this at the beginning of a relationship, but it's only downhill from there. It's only going to get worse. That's your baseline. It's going to snowball. There's nothing worse than seeing someone you love in a relationship with a person who you know is shit. I have gone to a friend

before in a situation like this I have been so open I've been gentle at the start and I've gotten to the point where I'm like I cannot tell you how much this is not normal and you cannot be in this relationship anymore obviously that was it was quite a serious situation yeah but I would not be doing my job as a friend to sit back and let those situations continue and as I said if this is the baseline for the start of the relationship and this is what's happening in public it's going to be 10 times worse in a year and 10 times worse behind closed doors. So I would gently take those steps and action your thoughts and your worries now. The only thing I want to add to this, like the last thing is for anyone listening, for anyone who like has experienced something similar,

you should never be in a relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to say things that slightly humiliate you. Like it is humiliating to have somebody calorie check your meals or to make you feel bad about the way you look especially doing it in front of other people all that's doing is eroding your self-confidence it's eroding the way that you your self-esteem and ultimately it'll get you to a place where you think you need to change in order to be better nobody should be in a relationship with somebody who thinks they have control over another person like that and if your partner does make consistent little jabs at you if your partner or you dated someone who does put you down even if it's subtly but it's consistent that is not a relationship you

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