Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Boyfriend's Secret Viagra & Sex-Chatting Husband

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, our very last one, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. Our last one of the year. Not ever. Not ever. This is going to continue into next year every single Monday. This is the last Ask Uncut of 2025, everyone.

Starting point is 00:00:31 I honestly, this sounds weird and I know that everyone's probably feeling it. I do not know how or where this year has gone. I don't know how we've arrived at this destination. It makes no sense to me and I feel as though we're still in 2023. Except I had a baby, you got married and life is weird. I feel like everyone's the same. I even was thinking it's been six months since I got married. It feels like yesterday.

Starting point is 00:00:53 I know, I was about to say, is this the most basic chat where you're like, god time really flies no but it really does but it really is christmas if you're listening to this talk about the weather christmas is in two days that's fucking wild yeah that is wild well look merry christmas everyone like we said this is our last episode of this year we're doing an ass gun cart but we have stuff planned for you early next year before we're actually back from our holiday break so we do have what we call our rear in your view which if you have been a long time lifer it is our reflection on the year that's just been we've already recorded that one we are doing ask uncut so brit is going to do an ask uncut with ben i'm going to do one with matt

Starting point is 00:01:30 and also we have some archive really juicy episodes nom nom nom for you to go back and listen to we also have the thing that is most requested an ask uncut aftermath so that will be dropping on january 12 and it is bellissimo nom nom nom well i will be nom nom nom in italy when you're listening to this you leave you leave in like two days yeah crazy yeah how do you feel about that I keep forgetting where I am in the world or what's happening right now and I thought it was next week but no it's two days away I'm not okay time flies time so fast I am so excited it's as you guys know I'm not going to lean into it but I've barely seen Ben since we got married 10 days I've seen my husband everyone keeps being like has married life don't it doesn't feel like

Starting point is 00:02:11 I have a husband so I'm very excited to get there but I do want to talk about that actually nice little segue. As you know, I am quote unquote moving to Italy, but I think I need to go into that a little bit more. So basically if you guys have been following along for a long time, you'll know that I base myself here and I'm ducking over there usually besides this last six months, usually like every eight weeks or so. And I go there for a little bit and come back. I'm basically going to be reversing that, but I'm actually going to be back in Australia all the time. And I'm coming back for work that Laura and I will talk to you a little bit more about in the new year, but I am coming back in January and I'm back for a couple of months

Starting point is 00:02:48 straight up. And now that was not the original plan, but it has unfolded that way. It's so anticlimactic when you're like, I'm moving to Italy, but I'm back for three months in January. And do you know what? I can't wait. So you're going on holiday again. Essentially. And I can't wait to talk to you more about that. Yeah. We're really excited. It's coming. It's just funny that like how the universe works, right? Like we said goodbye to radio and made the decision where I was like, I'm going to commit to Ben overseas for longer periods of time told Ben he was so excited and as soon as we did all that the universe was like yeah the universe was like ah you almost thought you were going and an

Starting point is 00:03:21 opportunity came up back here in Australia so at the moment I'm just doing what I've always done every Christmas which is go over for the month so I'm going over for a month then I'm coming back for a few months then I will be spending like a couple months at a time there and then probably a couple of months back here and the most asked question of the last week has been like is Delilah coming to Italy this was the hardest and easiest decision simultaneously and I say that no she's not coming to Italy with me and that is because I have looked at it every single way possible her life and her safety and her happiness and her health is far better for this situation for her to be here now that is because when I'm in Italy because I'm coming back here so much there's

Starting point is 00:04:08 literally nowhere for her to be over there and I say that because Ben's plays football he's away all the time the quarantine the flights everything to get her there knowing I'm not going forever so this is like a very interim period it's maybe a year max and in that year I am back in Australia all the time and it's just there's just nowhere for her and I thought about it every which way you know that she's the love and light of my life she's actually in the studio right now with us it's so cute look at her sitting on this she's falling asleep because she's getting such good but um and when i say it was the hardest and easiest decision she is my best friend there's just nothing i love sorry ben more than delilah no equally but um the reason it was easy is because

Starting point is 00:04:51 when i when i looked at what it would be like for her to get there the quarantine the potential of move in multiple countries like there is a big potential that in six months time ben will be in a different country and we don't know where that is so if i get her to italy and then he has to go to whatever country in the world he gets transferred to i don't even know if she's allowed to go there i don't know what the quarantine will be like for that country on top of this and it's because i looked into it so much if i went for it just say it was a couple months eight months and then i wanted to come back to Australia, sometimes you need to book 180 days in advance to get your dog back to book them into a quarantine where they then go into quarantine for a few weeks. There

Starting point is 00:05:33 is a big possibility that she could get stuck in another country alone. That exact thing happened to my friends a month and a half ago. They came back from the UK and their dog had to stay over there with relatives over there for two and a half months because they couldn't get him into quarantine. It happened to my friend too. It happened to Ben's football friend because the football community it's this weird you're always moving countries on a whim ben moved from romania to italy with 12 hours notice what would like and the thought of delilah being stuck somewhere is just i was just i can't do it i cannot risk that and when she's back here she's with keith she's with keish and bonnie and keisha's had her since she was a puppy like delilah does not love anyone

Starting point is 00:06:15 else like she loves you and she's so comfortable and she's so happy and bonnie is her best friend she has a d ornament that's on our christmas tree also brit like she's our family i know that this has been such a i mean this has been one of the hardest parts of this decision for you also like guys life as we know that you are so involved in our lives so obviously like you know how attached brit is and so the number one question was but what's happening with delilah or is delilah going with you and i i mean i know that this is a tricky one to talk about because i know that everyone has their thoughts and their opinions but the really big and most important part of this is the fact that you are back here all the time basically I should have said I'm spending way more time in

Starting point is 00:06:55 Italy yeah that's probably what I should have said and I think the the other thing is there's no continuity of care there and there is all the continuity here and as we've discussed many times and I know it's gonna upset you but she likes Keisha better she definitely doesn't like Keisha better she likes I learned my lesson by saying that already before guys okay I just gonna point it out but it's um some of you came at me to be honest some of you were like you don't deserve to have her literally you don't deserve to have her give her away not even bring me why are you sharing my private messages to you she didn't it wasn't even give her to keisha people were like give her away she deserves better and i was like are you fucking kidding this dog has a better life

Starting point is 00:07:33 than anyone i know in this world you know what though i do want to say this part of me appreciates people who care that much. And I know that it's a misplaced fury and anger. I know that because we're in this inner circle, but I appreciate people who care that much about another animal or another thing that you care about so much about. And I know that it's frustrating because you're like, no, this is the best situation. And also it's an unfair expectation to think you have gotten married. You have been with Ben for four years. You have never been able to be together that is not a sustainable relationship this situation is the best outcome for now and it will be ever evolving it is ever evolving like that's for this situation right now because

Starting point is 00:08:20 because I know I was giving myself a year of back and forth and then I was coming back if that situation changes and I have kids and I need to be with Ben full-time and we become a family together somewhere Delilah is absolutely coming like she will move we'll see about that you will have a fight on your hands and the locks will be changed at my house but like i just want people to know that that like the decision has been made for the situation and you know what this one comment pissed me off too can i just say this this one comment was like if you and every single mom of real kids is gonna be pissed off if you're gonna be a single mom you should have never got her dog you shouldn't have had her if you can't if you need help from anyone else you

Starting point is 00:08:59 shouldn't have had her and i was like bitch i wasn't a single mom when i got her i was in a relationship there was a dad he left us there was a dad never shown up one day in her goddamn life do i get child support no have i ever had daddy issues she does that's why she really loves men she flirts with them it's but i was like she gets that from her mom i was like i was like what a dumb thing to say you know but anyway that's the update and please come at me with love only i don't need i don't need your fucking hate it's hard enough as it is just like be there for me okay all right well look let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes our last ones of the year brit what's your vibe my vibe for the week is a podcast it's an iHeart true crime podcast and it's called

Starting point is 00:09:37 incels now i found this so fascinating if you don't know what an incel is we have spoken about the podcast before but it's involuntary celibate that's what it means but it's a broader term now that encapsulates misogynistics now it's kind of like being yeah it encapsulates just like a lot more like they put chads quote-unquote chads into that category just people on the internet that are like deep dark weirdos red pill men yeah yes red pill men they're saying that a lot of incels are now behind a lot of well they're not saying they are but a lot of violence against women because the reason that they involuntary celibate is because women don't like them and women don't want to have sex with them yeah but it's a really interesting podcast series because not only are

Starting point is 00:10:21 they unpacking incels uh with specialists with people that have like spent years studying them they also have incels on the podcast now their voices have changed but they're talking to them really openly about their thoughts and how they got there and what they think and it's really fascinating it's I really genuinely enjoyed it it's 12 episodes but you guys know I love true crime so I do subscribe to stuff they have subscriber editions so like you know those ones where you end up having to be a subscriber to get them but I'm I'm subscribed so if you're subscribed great if you're not you can probably do the free trial and then unsubscribe in terms of it being a true crime podcast is it talking about how dangerous these people are it does

Starting point is 00:11:00 unpack at the start some horrific crimes like these women were murdered and they were murdered by an incel but what they're also trying to unpack too is and it is absolutely true they're trying to take an angle halfway through of like look not all incels are created equal like some people are just people that are on their own and a little bit left field some are on the spectrum and there's a whole different way of unpacking like what an incel is and what it looks like and they go into the deep dark web but they do speak to families of women that were murdered from an incel from something that was disgusting it really is let me read you the podcast bio because it summarizes it far better incels takes listeners into this unsettling world not to sensationalize

Starting point is 00:11:39 it but to understand it through expert analysis firsthand accounts and the voices of former incels we break down how these communities operate why they're growing and the psychological traps that keep men locked in cycles of resentment. With chilling stories and deep insight, Incels reveals the human cost of a culture built on hate and the path forward for those ready to leave it behind. So they do unpack the Andrew Tate effect and a lot of things that we've spoken about

Starting point is 00:12:04 on the podcast in the past, I think most people would find it very, very interesting. I think you guys would both love it as well. Yeah, I mean, it sounds like a great one. All right, well, look, I have a recommendation. I think it's perfect for this time of year. If you're looking for a sentimental gift, I used it to create some photo albums for Matt for Father's Day.

Starting point is 00:12:22 It was like two years ago, but I've just done a whole another batch of them. You know, we are so, I mean, there's lots of these apps out there, but you know how we're so the generation that takes three million photos and then never prints a single one? That is like what I am so guilty of. But I, every so often I go onto, it's called Picture Posty. It's an app.

Starting point is 00:12:40 You download it. You can do it all from the app. So it's really easy to create photo albums via it. I've just done a whole new range of them for Matt for Christmas, but they are really beautifully printed, really well presented photo albums. They do heaps of other things like magnets and, and your, you know, your calendars and all that sort of stuff. I think that that stuff is a little bit kitsch, but the photo albums themselves are really

Starting point is 00:13:04 nicely printed, really well done and super easy to paginate and to put all your photos into. They're really well priced and the print quality of them is legitimately amazing. and I say that as a paying customer who's never ever ever gotten even a discount code so this one is one of those ones where I do one one a year so that they're labeled for each year and it's just a summation of like the most highlighted photos of that year for us for our family and when the kids were really little I did one each year which was like a Lola book a Marley book now I should do one for Poppy but they're just so easy to make pitch posty for anyone who wants to finally get

Starting point is 00:13:38 photos off their phone and into some photo albums mine is like it's not a hot take it's trending on netflix at the moment but it's a mini series that came out last week called the oh sorry the week before called the beast in me oh it's so good yeah it's really good it's got claire danes matthew reese and britney snow and it's a thriller so claire danes is a is an author and she's got quite a tragic story as to what's led her to the point of life that she's in and she has this neighbor who is really really wealthy and it's a bit of a like is he or isn't he a really bad person and he kind of has a family that is very well established and incredibly, like I said, wealthy, but they're involved

Starting point is 00:14:18 in the community and so it gets to the point where she's maybe going to be writing a book about his life and all of these things unfold. And it took turns that I didn't expect, not in a like gasp way. I don't like things that make me feel like I can't go to sleep afterwards. So it's like it's a thriller but it's not so scary that you're going to be terrified. It's quite violent though.

Starting point is 00:14:41 I had to close my eyes a few times. Yeah, if you've got some experience of that, it might be hard for you to watch. There were moments where I was like, oh, that was pretty full on. And like that, you know, it was a bit confronting. But The Beast in Me, it is eight episodes. I love a limited series because it means I can just devote myself to it for a week. And then it's all kind of wrapped up. It's called The Beast in Me.

Starting point is 00:15:01 It's on Netflix. And I thought it was really great. Amazing. All right, let's get into your question. Question number one, secret Viagra. My boyfriend takes Viagra, but he doesn't know that I know. I've been with my boyfriend for six months. We have a very healthy sex life. There's been a couple of occasions where he has struggled to maintain an erection and he occasionally brushes it off as just like a

Starting point is 00:15:22 performance thing. The other day when I was at his house, I noticed a pack of used Viagra on his bathroom counter. Now, I honestly don't care that he uses Viagra as personally, I just see it as an aid to a very healthy sex life. But my question is, should I tell him that I know that he takes it. I don't want him to feel insecure that he needs to take it if I bring it up. But I also feel like he shouldn't have to hide it from me as I really don't care. Help a sister out to tell him I know or continue just having great sex without him knowing that I know. Nah, I wouldn't tell him. I don't think that there's any need for you to tell him, especially if he maybe does feel insecure about it. I think he will bring it up with you if and

Starting point is 00:16:03 when he's ready to. I just don't think you need to. I don't know. I don't think you need to tell I agree I don't think it's necessary at all I get that there's a part of relationships and probably marriages as well but any relationship there's this aspect of I want you to feel so safe that you can trust me with anything I want you to feel so comfortable I don't want to have secrets in our relationship I totally understand that but I also do think some things are okay you're only six months in like maybe it would be a different conversation if you were married and I think that that's different because you'd be wanting to work through whatever it is and I just think you're at a different level then six months deep I think and not that he should be embarrassed we know that

Starting point is 00:16:42 it's not that but I think that he would maybe feel a certain way if you come and say hey I know you have to take this to have sex like there's a lot of men that don't quite feel comfortable admitting that they might have bedroom problems like and it's one thing for us to say they shouldn't be embarrassed about that but it's another thing for them to actually feel that way and we know a lot of men that have erectile dysfunction or have problems performing, we know that they feel a bit embarrassed about it. So I just don't know what it would do for you now. Your sex is great. If anything, it might go the other way. Like he might feel a bit funny about it and not want to use it. And then that's what he's thinking about every time we have sex is like, oh, she knows I'm

Starting point is 00:17:19 going to have a boner because I've taken a drug. So I, yeah, I just think that it's like, just embrace it. You're going to have longer, bigger, harder sex. It's not to say that he won't bring it up at some point he might and it's not to say that you can't bring it up at some point you can I just think like choose how you do it if you choose to and I think the time frame is important yeah and I think it would be a conversation of like have you ever tried Viagra like I don't think you would say I saw I don't think you would say I saw Viagra in your bathroom and I know you're taking it because some people have it and they might take it once or twice and not actually use it religiously do you know what I mean like just because he has it doesn't mean

Starting point is 00:17:56 he uses it every time you have sex all right next question my ex and i were in a relationship for eight years first love high school sweethearts type of thing and we were engaged for a year before it ended tumultuously a lot of things were left unresolved with no closure we haven't spoke to each other since until now fast forward six years and he's appeared on my now socials now i've been remarried for two years and he's been in a relationship for three we've cleared the air about how things ended and have genuinely seemed to have formed a friendship again and catching up on each other's life.

Starting point is 00:18:28 I don't know if his girlfriend knows, though, but I also haven't told my husband. For context, we've had our own issues the last six months, so it wouldn't be ideal to tell him. My question is, can you have a platonic friendship with an ex or am I setting myself up for disaster? Disaster. You know what you're doing.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Dude, no. If you, if, this is what I want to start with. No. just know but like what i want to start with if you know you can't tell your partner or you've been having conversations behind your partner's back it's because you know it's not okay and it's not going to fly and they're not going to be comfortable with it in any world is it okay to be married and secretly communicating and connecting with your ex who's also married who you spent nearly a decade with it's just not not in this universe and not another universe is

Starting point is 00:19:20 it going to end well or is it okay like and if you ask yourself if i tell my husband what's his reaction and you say his reaction is not going to be good then you already know the answer it's going to end in disaster you're holding on to something that's gone you're holding on to a feeling that he's dead he fucks and loves someone else and so do you i was like it's brit tell us what you really think because i think it's wild i'm like it's wild and also flip the switch here if your husband if you found out that your husband was talking to his ex that he was with for a decade behind your back for months and connecting? How would you feel?

Starting point is 00:19:53 Because I can guarantee you wouldn't be like, tell her I said hi. Okay, the question is, my question is, can you have a platonic relationship with an ex or am I setting myself up for disaster? You can have a platonic relationship with your ex, yes, absolutely, but you're not going about it the right way. You're not going about it in terms of it being a platonic relationship. Platonic relationships have to start in an open, very platonic,

Starting point is 00:20:16 very like not behind closed doors. you don't need to unpack or get closure that's not how platonic relationships evolve they evolve from your husband and his partner both knowing that you are having conversation they start in a way where there is no secrecy shame or hidden feelings or any hidden conversations because as soon as you start doing that you're keeping secrets from your now partner he's keeping secrets from his partner and it means you guys are sharing something that sits outside of your relationship and I think that that's like where yes you're setting yourself up for disaster it's just not even really an unpack no it's just not no but it's like of course it's an unpack but

Starting point is 00:20:54 this listener you know I know you know and you know and I think even when you know you just you don't want to be the responsible person to stop what you're doing because you did it makes you feel good it's also like I get it you said you haven't had a great six months with your husband which means it's a terrible time to start talking to your ex exactly that that just makes it worse it makes it worse and like yes you can have a platonic relationship of course but the platonic relationship is when you run into each other at the coffee shop and you go home and say to your husband hey i ran into frank today that's it and you know what it's the worst time for you to be doing it not that there's ever a good time but when your relationship at home is a bit

Starting point is 00:21:35 fractured and it's not ideal and you're not getting what you need you're outsourcing that to somebody that you had such an intimate, close relationship with for a long time, it's going to feel like it is a comfortable shoulder to lean on, somebody that gets you, somebody you can walk down memory lane with, which is even worse because that brings this fake false sense of intimacy and security that we shared all of these things and like no one knows me like you do and I know I can rely on you and it's rubbish.

Starting point is 00:22:00 You've got to focus on what is at home and just like water that grass, but this is not watering that grass. This is like pouring grass poison on it. that was the worst analogy but like it's like this is like urinating on the grass yeah this is leaving a urination patch on your relationship that's what we have to say about that no just reading the question out and reading it back to yourself even I think you answered your own question and I think anyone listening to that would say or any if you told any of your friends or anyone from that time in your life they would all say oh you are really really dancing with fire

Starting point is 00:22:34 doing this it seems unnecessary I have another question how common do you reckon this is Very. Same. I wouldn't say very. No. I reckon way more than 60%. I think it's very common. And the reason is in this situation, one, you were together for eight years. It's a long time. You were engaged and it ended without what you describe as closure. And so I think sometimes when those relationships pop back up, you can lull yourself into this false pretense that it's like under the guise of being friends and just, you know, getting closure for the thing that you didn't get closure but i think as soon as you start lying to your partner about the communication that's when you know that this is great you already know that this is something that yeah

Starting point is 00:23:13 if you've muted the notification or you've changed their name or like telling them it's like you're having secret squirrel conversations yeah with an ex lover and i just think the intensity of this one like the intensity of how committed you were to him is what is going to end in disaster for you because it's very easy. What's that old saying? It's like where the embers once were the fucking, I'll shut up. It's kind of like, it's like when a fire is dead.

Starting point is 00:23:40 I think you can easily restart the fire there. Live what it's saying. Live life, love. Yeah. Should I invite my sister to my wedding? My partner and I are getting married next year and we are clashing over one major guest decision, my sister.

Starting point is 00:23:55 To put it simply, my sister has caused a lot of hurt and conflict for me and my parents over the past eight years. She struggles with alcoholism, often makes everything about herself, and shows very strong narcissistic tendencies. I initially said I would invite her, purely because she's my sister, but my partner is firmly against it, and honestly, I understand why. Every time I have seen her in recent years, it's ended in drama, usually fueled by alcohol, and I am left upset and in tears.

Starting point is 00:24:20 She hasn't really shown up for me in any meaningful way, and has even taken advantage of me financially. My partner keeps reminding me that our wedding day should be about us, and he would hate for her to ruin it. I know he has a point, but I still feel guilty at the idea of not inviting her even though our relationship is strained and unpredictable, but I'd hate for her to cause drama on our day, especially when there's alcohol. Normally, I like to take the route of the least dramatic, like what's going to cause

Starting point is 00:24:46 the least drama in the long term is what I, so I'm, I'm often of the opinion, just invite them. Don't create chaos. In this instance, however, I'm agreeing with your husband. Yeah. but the problem is with this is you know that if you don't invite and I think the reason why you are so unsure is because that is a massive line in the sand in your relationship with your sister and yes it may have been unpredictable this is going to make it very predictable she will in

Starting point is 00:25:18 some way villainize you you will become like the enemy who didn't invite her and it's going to become like that you're the problem I think that this will be a real line in the sand in your relationship. That's all. However, in saying that, I think if I was genuinely this concerned that she was going to blow up my wedding with her drinking and her behavior and everything else, I actually do think I would not invite her. Yeah. And I actually really agree. I would usually be the person that's like their family, you know, just invite them, but that probably more pertains to family that you might not be that close with or family that, you know, you might not see that often or maybe had a falling out years ago, but whatever, it's those kinds of things, but it

Starting point is 00:25:57 doesn't pertain to a family member that causes you anguish and drama and chaos and problems and you've said that she has been problematic for you and your family for eight years so that is a really long time like you're hitting close to a decade she didn't go through a rough patch six months ago and I feel really bad saying this because she obviously needs help but I have no doubt that you guys have given her that from the way you've written it and I'm assuming they're like taking an advantage on me financially means you've probably helped her quite a lot. But eight years for my wedding, when you know that every time you guys get together, it doesn't end well because she drinks. If she is an alcoholic, she will be drinking at your wedding because it's very hard

Starting point is 00:26:38 for them not to. It's an addiction. It's what they do. At a wedding, you are surrounded by people that are having a good time, that are drinking. It will be free-flowing drinks. It's not the right environment and you know that historically speaking there are problems that arise from that I don't think I would be doing it for my wedding with the history that you've given us because it's almost sounds like it's a guarantee that something big is going to go down there and it's it is your day and you don't want it to be tarnished by that yeah I know but it is really really hard and the reason why it becomes so challenging is because you're trying to mitigate an issue from arising on some on a day that's really important to you the reason why you're

Starting point is 00:27:17 trying to mitigate that is because history has told you that this is how she behaves the problem is though is when you have that conversation with her or you sit down and say you know unfortunately I don't want you at the wedding because your drinking has become a really big problem that in itself is going to have a retaliation like you know that she is going to retaliate to the fact that she's not invited I don't think that you can just not invite her and not speak to her about it I actually think you have to have a conversation with her it depends another type of person she is. It could really blow up even just having to do that. But I do agree with your husband. And I think that if you are genuinely that concerned that she is going to

Starting point is 00:27:54 be a liability at the wedding and it's going to upset your day and his day and just ruin the whole thing, then I would say that you can't invite her. But I really do think that you need to have a conversation first and give her potentially the opportunity to either stop drinking or to change her ways. Like, I don't know how many conversations have been had in the lead up to this it sounds like you've tried but have you sat down and said to her that this behavior is damaging your relationship I don't know it's just it's been eight years I'm sure she's I'm sure she has I know but we are assuming because she hasn't said that at all she just says that it's been tumultuous so I mean potentially try and have that conversation but I really really don't think

Starting point is 00:28:32 that you were a bad person if you choose not to invite people to your wedding that you know will make it about themselves I think that unfortunately that is one event that you are allowed to be a little bit selfish about the only problem is is that it does have flow on because people who aren't invited will then make it about themselves again we don't know the intricacies of this situation in your relationship only what you're going off but it makes me think it would be different if she had a problem with alcohol but the rest of it didn't come with it like maybe she was just like a loud gregarious drunk that like is going to fall over and cause a scene you can put her to bed like that's different but what you're saying her issues

Starting point is 00:29:13 surrounding alcohol are is not that you're saying it always ends in like a clash and a drama and chaos and so I think it's the effect of the alcoholism as not so much as the alcoholism if that makes sense because you can have all different kinds of alcoholism it's the flow and effect of what it is I also think you haven't had that relationship for eight years your guilt is around the fact that she's blood, but if you said she hasn't shown up in any meaningful way for eight years, that's close to a decade. When she has been there, it's because she needs something or chaos has ensued and it's not just you, it's your parents as well. It's a hard decision because you sound like a really good person that is going to feel that guilt. I would too. I would feel

Starting point is 00:29:52 horrible if I had to say to one of my siblings in this situation, even though they've done nothing for you in that long, except take from you, I would still feel a level of guilt. You said she has narcissistic tendencies and makes it about her, it's not going to be an easy chat. She's going to get mad. We'll have a flow on effect for sure. But do you want the flow on effect to be within your home life outside of your wedding or the flow on effect to be some kind of chaos and drama at your wedding? Yeah, I guess, you know, actually we just did an episode only a couple of days ago about going no contact with a family member. Now I'm not saying that you're going to go no contact, not speak to her again. But I do think the problem with having a wedding like this

Starting point is 00:30:28 and having to make a decision is like I said, it puts a line in the sand around your relationship. It actually really pinpoints. I know that we've been having these problems and we've kind of been like, it's been simmering, but here is me saying it is a problem. And I don't want you to be at this thing. That's really important to me. That means everything to me. I don't want you there. She may choose to not speak to you again. She may choose to retaliate in a big and loud way, but I think it's at this point, you have to make a decision of what's more important to you is, the wedding and your husband and being able to celebrate with people that you know won't make you stressed on the day and give you anxiety or is it maintaining that relationship in the hope

Starting point is 00:31:06 that it's going to be better more important you know what the thing is too it's not just like if she comes your stress won't be when the chaos ensues that's not going to be it the whole day you will be watching her how much is she drunk where is she what's she doing has it happened yet like your brain will subconsciously be thinking about that the whole time so it's not just like the effect of if it goes wrong it's like the build-up and the anticipation of what it is and where it is and how much is she drunk and where is she and the other thing is too you can of course have a conversation with her that's like hey if you come to my wedding you have to promise me you can't drink that's fine and she might say I promise you but she's also has a problem with alcoholism

Starting point is 00:31:46 like you are also taking that at face value she might say absolutely I won't drink there's no guarantee that that's what's going to happen so I think all you can do is base it off your experiences that you know are true to you and how that makes you feel we can't tell you either way but it does sound like deep down you know what the answer is it's just really hard though it is really hard because she's your family you grew up with her it's it's a big day for you it's your wedding and and it doesn't matter what someone has done to us there's always a part of those people that you had those shared life experiences with in love you always want them to be there even And if you've had a toxic relationship, there's always this weird battle that people have.

Starting point is 00:32:22 But especially if you have other siblings and you're inviting them and you're just not inviting one, like it really, yeah, it puts a massive spotlight on where the relationship is at. And I can see both sides of this. I can see why you want to invite her and take the risk. And if that's what you choose, I'm like, I fully support you. But also I understand why your husband's at this point where he's like, no more chances. No more chances.

Starting point is 00:32:44 It's our day, yeah. All right. Next question. i've been with my husband for 13 years and we have three year old twins for context our relationship has been really really rocky ever since the babies were born so for three years now i've taken full responsibility for my part of it and i'm well aware of my personal issues and the fact that i sometimes can be a pain in the ass and difficult to live with so is he obviously we've been talking things through several times and agreed to stay married because deep down we

Starting point is 00:33:09 know that we love each other we've just bought a new bigger house together and we both saw that as a new clean beginning. Now to my dilemma. A couple of weeks ago, I accidentally looked at my husband's phone, not intentionally looking for something bad. You also don't need to explain yourself. It's fine. And discovered an app installed on his phone that's only used for sex chatting. I confronted him with this and he admitted that he has been sexting with other girls for almost our entire time together, basically since 2012. 13 years. Yeah. Even though our relationship was fantastic before kids and our sex life pretty awesome, especially in the early years. All of these years, he's been doing it behind my back, chatting with other girls,

Starting point is 00:33:49 sending naked pictures of himself, receiving videos, etc, etc. He says he stopped doing this a couple of years ago, but I find that very hard to believe. Why was the app still on his phone then? And he's stubbornly insisting that this doesn't constitute as cheating. To him, this is the equivalent of watching porn. This makes me even more sad and angry. I am totally devastated. I feel disgusted because I do consider this cheating. Just the thought of him doing this while we were newlyweds, et cetera, makes me sick. I am absolutely sure that I don't want to divorce him though, mostly because of our children.

Starting point is 00:34:20 I can't stand the thought of not seeing my babies every other week. I really want to forgive him and move on from this, but how? How do I trust that he's never going to do this again, knowing that it's been going on for years? I've suggested couples counseling, but he is hesitant. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Two things here. one i'm so sorry you're going through this well one it's not the same as watching porn like he

Starting point is 00:34:44 can dress that up any which way he wants it's not he's interacting with people he's sexting it's he's sending pictures of himself he's receiving pictures and he's actually physically communicating and building a relationship whatever that relationship is that's not porn it's different secondly cheating is subjective cheating is whatever cheating is to you some people constitute cheating as talking to somebody some people constitute it as kissing some people don't say it's cheating until it's sex or penetration or whatever it's what it is to you you have said I feel like this is cheating so it is cheating it's not up to him to say it's not cheating because I haven't actually physically fucked somebody like it doesn't work like that to me

Starting point is 00:35:26 this is cheating absolutely yeah I agree and it's not just the cheating part it's the deceptiveness of 13 years this is also like what happened did the floodgates just open he's like oh you got me now I'll admit to all of it it's been a decade like that feels like weird for him to have said but 13 years of lying behind your back yeah I'm surprised that he wasn't just like oh I just downloaded it I know is it because the 13 years of texting was there like or is he trying to say babe it's normal I've done this the whole time like you know yeah firstly I want to validate you I think most people would consider this cheating yeah everyone like you said everyone everyone has a different barometer for it. I consider this cheating. I would be absolutely

Starting point is 00:36:04 devastated if I found out that Matt had been sexting with random girls for our entire relationship. The day you met. I also think that when you are crossing that boundary, like it's a blurred line, but there is an emotional connection or there is some connection that is formed by doing this, especially if it's the same people, if it's, you know, building some sort of, it's definitely not a relationship, but there is a connection that is built by sending this type of exchange. I know you've said that you don't want to get a divorce and I think that that is like, you know, very honorable, noble, everything else around your relationship and wanting to work through it. You can't work through it on your own. This is not for

Starting point is 00:36:40 you to work through solo. If he doesn't want to go and see couples therapy, if he doesn't think there's a problem, if he doesn't see the issues here, then it's not about you working through it. You can't work through that because he's not meeting you where you need to be met. You both need to work through this together and as a couple. And for as long as he doesn't think that this is an issue at all and doesn't think that this was a problem and doesn't see this as being cheating, to me that screams that, well, why would he stop it if he doesn't think

Starting point is 00:37:09 that there's a problem? I know, a fat chance he hasn't been doing this for the last three years. Like, the app is still on his phone and he did it for a decade, 13 years before that. Yeah, he's not going to just stop just because you guys had kids. And also, if he doesn't think it's a problem,

Starting point is 00:37:21 you didn't just spontaneously have children and then he went, whoa, I'm not going to do that anymore. Because if anything, your sex life would have probably stopped for a little while. You've had two newborns and you postpartum. But also the part where she's like he's really stubbornly insisting that this isn't cheating, of course he is because he's trying to normalise it.

Starting point is 00:37:37 He's trying to make you think that like – You're overreacting. Yeah, like, babe, this is just something that happens. I've been doing it for a decade from the day we met and look how great our relationship's been. Like I've been managing them both and it's okay. It's this little extra thing that I do. If he genuinely thought that it was okay and not cheating,

Starting point is 00:37:53 he wouldn't have it in a secret hidden app. It just screams to me the very classic, fuck, I've been caught out. I'm going to A, deflect, gaslight and normalize the situation. Yeah, I can completely agree. And the only thing that I can say, and I know I've already said it, but it really is the defining thing that's going to either make this relationship work or not, is that you both have to want to work on it together. He also has to acknowledge that there is something wrong here that needs to be fixed.

Starting point is 00:38:21 Because if you're the only one who feels like that and you're the only one trying to fix it you're going to remain feeling gaslit and you're going to remain feeling really sad and you're going to remain saying things like I know I'm a punish and a pain in the ass at times too and I know I can be difficult to live with like it feels like you're taking a lot of the responsibility here when really you've been hugely disappointed and you've been betrayed in your relationship well you also don't get to be the person that cheats for a decade and then still be the person that says you know what though I don't really want to do therapy I don't want to do anything yeah you want that relationship and to maintain the relationship then they need to show up like

Starting point is 00:38:54 He absolutely needs to take accountability and go to therapy with you. If you have said, I think this is cheating and I want to go to therapy and he says, it's not cheating and I'm not going to therapy, then you've got far bigger problems. And I could almost make the statement that the relationship's not going to work. Well, I do want to say one thing though about that. Like if you say you had 10 very happy years together, like people, there is a lot of great people. I don't think that just because someone cheats means they don't love someone.

Starting point is 00:39:22 I think we can compartmentalize different parts of ourselves. ourselves. I know that we can compartmentalize different parts of ourselves. I have no doubt that he loves you. I have no doubt that he was committed in the relationship to you whilst he was also doing these things. Like I think that we are complex and we can do two things at once. I do think that you can get back to being in a place where you are amazing. Like you had twins and they're three years old. That is a really, really intense three years that you guys have just gone through with parenting. I can only imagine how hard having twins is. And I can only imagine how hard it is doing them when they're both under the age of three. You guys can get

Starting point is 00:39:57 back to being in a place that's amazing, but you have to want to work on it and you have to want to work on it together. And if part of that is going to couples counseling and recognizing that there's an issue and both wanting to come back from that, I think that you can, but you definitely can't do it on your own. Yeah. But the problem goes a little bit further than that. It's easy to say like you had 10, 12, 13 great years. Absolutely. But those 10, 12, 13 years are different now they're not what they were before you found this out because now you know that there was a secret the entire time do you think it negates everything though about the relationship or do you think it just it doesn't negate it because you can't deny when she's like we had a

Starting point is 00:40:33 wonderful 10 years like we did but you also can't deny that that's now changed because now you're looking back at that being like wow every time I thought we were great you were literally sending and receiving and and sexting somebody else like every day of that time so you can't help but have that memory changed and those times changed and a little bit tarnished. Now I've always said, I have always openly said that I don't think cheating has to be the end of a relationship. We know for a fact that sometimes it can be what needs to be the catalyst to have a relationship unravel, really openly see what the problems are and rebuild. And we know that a lot of people have had better relationships after this kind of a stuff, but that only works when both people are

Starting point is 00:41:12 going to come to the table and be really open about what the issue is and who is in the wrong and take accountability and he's not doing that yet so I hope he does curious to know this and this is kind of like an open question to everyone do you guys have conversations with your partners around like where is the line for cheating like have you had that active conversation because I don't think I've ever sat down with Matt and been like what does cheating look like for you and what does cheating look like for me I do think that there was just a bit of an intuitive understanding between us as to what constitutes cheating like I would be absolutely shocked to my core that if we got to the 15 year mark and I discovered he'd been doing this behavior this whole time and that we

Starting point is 00:41:51 just had different definitions of cheating like I would feel so shocked that that just never came up which is also what makes me think that he knows that you would not be okay with this or it would have come up at some point there would have been a conversation around it and whether or not you're cool with it for us for like ben and myself there's a difference between cheating and betrayal so if ben found out i was talking to an ex he wouldn't necessarily think that was cheating but it's definitely a betrayal because you know it's not the right thing you should be doing in the relationship yeah and i feel the same way so if i found out he was talking to his ex even like the ass gun cut we just did where she's like i'm communicating with my ex yeah it's a massive

Starting point is 00:42:29 betrayal to me i'm not saying to ben like you're emotionally talking to someone that's that you used to be with that's cheating i'm out so i wouldn't call that cheating but i would say what the fuck like that is so hurtful to me and you know it's wrong and you and why are you having those conversations like that it falls into a level of betrayal in the lead up to cheating but that's not for everyone yeah but but did you actually have a conversation with ben around what constitutes cheating to him or do you think it was just an innately intuitive understanding that you got to no we we've had the conversation early on but not it's not something we talk about I also had the conversation with Jordan early on like I maybe that's just what we do maybe I do do

Starting point is 00:43:08 I am that kind of person and maybe that's only because I do this podcast it might just because I'm so in tuned with having these kinds of conversations with psychologists and therapists and everything that we do here yeah it's probably maybe not a normal thing but I do recommend people do it but I I remember back with Jordan Ben Ben is the same but like Jordan was extreme like any communication with someone else would have been a real form of betrayal slash cheating and like that's just the way he saw the world which is absolutely fine I saw the world the same way I didn't want to be with anyone else but Benny's pretty much the same Ben has a pretty like no tolerance for cheating for him it's definitely something that's like if I had cheated on him

Starting point is 00:43:45 I don't know if we would work back through it I would like to think maybe now that we're married and down the track and if we have kids I'd like to think there'd be a conversation between us if one of us did the wrong thing of like unpacking why and do we want to work through it like I don't think either of us would but all of that is irrelevant here because in this situation it is cheating to you you have said that it's giving you the ick it's gross you're you're having trouble looking at him the same and he's not taking accountability for it and he's trying to tell you it's not cheating I absolutely think that this is I think that this is gross and I think it's gone on for far too long it's not that you've discovered it once off it's from the day you met

Starting point is 00:44:21 I'm also interested are these like paid workers or are they just random people who are also on it is it like as like an only fans or is it like yeah is it like an only fans is it a sex chat line where you don't actually have a connection is it women that you have to match with like kind of like a dating app like I would love to know the actual like details around what this looks like because there are probably different levels of it that would constitute more as a betrayal than others you know I think that the fact that he's been sending photos of himself as well like and I don't know. There's a lot loaded into this that's tricky to unpack just from one paragraph of unpacking it. But the thing is, you feel a certain way, you feel betrayed, and now you're

Starting point is 00:45:02 being told that that's an overreaction because he doesn't see it as the same way. And I think that that's the really big thing that you guys are going to have to figure out how to overcome. And the thing is, you've decided you want to stay, you're not going anywhere. So how do you make this better? And how do you find forgiveness in that? I would also say that it is interesting and I don't have twins and I can't comment to a point, but I'm absolutely sure that I do not want to divorce him. That is mostly because of our children. There are a lot of podcasts and things that you can do a deep dive into and maybe just things to ask yourself. There are a lot of people that stay for the kids and it's not the right decision if the relationship is perpetually

Starting point is 00:45:42 fractured with your partner. So a lot of people stay for the kids, right? They fall out of love or whatever happens they're like let's keep our family whole as long as the kids are older and then we can go our separate ways sometimes that's great but it can be also so much worse if the parents relationship is really fractured and not healthy like sometimes the best thing you can do is go your separate ways and have a healthier relationship for your kids but that's like I don't know your relationship enough but there are so many Esther Perel talks about a lot there are so many relationship podcasts you can do a deep dive into to try and understand what the best thing is for you it's really hard though because maybe they harmoniously parent maybe they're a

Starting point is 00:46:18 great team for parenting they just don't have feelings for each other in the same way anymore like but you also deserve to put yourself first as well I know I absolutely believe that Brit but I also understand how fucking hard it would be for a mum to accept the fact that they're only going to see their kids for 50% of the time and a lot of people out there do deprioritize what they want in their relationships and they do deprioritize themselves because the idea of being without their kids 50% of the time is too hard. It's too hard. For those people who are able to put themselves first and make that decision because it's better for their kids and better for them, like that is a really hard decision to come to. So I understand why

Starting point is 00:46:58 you're not there yet. Yeah. Send us the aftermath. Anyway, guys, that is it from us. If you have any questions for us for Ask Uncut, send them on into the DMs. You can also join the discussion at Life Uncut Discussion Group, which is on Facebook. And all of the podcast episodes are also on YouTube if you want to watch us and get a little bit more up close and personal and you know the drill. See mum, see dad, see dog, see friends and share the love because we love love!

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Boyfriend's Secret Viagra & Sex-Chatting Husband

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