Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - My gf hooked up with a girl and says it's not cheating, is it!?

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

Ask Uncut AKA Therapy Thursday is here!We LOVE answering your deep, dark and dirty questions, so keep them coming!HELP! Girls I have a doozy, My guy is PERFECT except he has the worst breath and I am getting the ick.My gf hooked up with a girl and when I told her that is not ok she said it's not cheating and I was overreacting, is it!? Am I?My partner takes drugs everyday. He won't work and won't have sex. Do I keep supporting him through this or run for the hills.If you love the podcast and want to help some sisters out please hit subscribe, 5 stars and share the love because, well, we love love xPs keep those questions sliding on in to our DM's @lifeuncutpodcastSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut and this is our short, down and dirty episode where we answer all of the deep, dark and burning questions of the week. Well, we don't answer all of them. We answer three. Literally three. We get hundreds. It's a quick episode, this one. I'm Brittany. I'm Laura. And welcome.

We get hundreds of questions and I love reading them and we've stacked them all up. We try and pick a variety every single week. We pick our favourites. We think you guys are messed up. But some of you are just... Yeah, no, actually you're pretty problematic. Nah, you're pretty problematic. You're problematic.

We all are. And that is why we love doing this episode because it makes everybody realize that we're all dealing with exactly the same junk and nobody is perfect. Before we get into it too much, we want to have a little chat about the pooing in the shower that happened on Tuesday's episode. Look, I've got some issues. Okay. If you listen to Tuesday's episode, I made the comment that most people have pooed in

the shower. I reckon that everybody, not nobody has shat in the shower with a significant other, but I reckon everybody has shat in the shower at least once in their life. Which is how you discover that you don't. No, they have not, Laura. Yes, they have. Not everyone has. No.

Okay. There is something really wrong with you right now. Not everyone. I have never, hand on heart, scouts honour, have I shat in the shower. You're a better person than me, Brittany. Okay. But I was a kid. I was a little kid.

I would have been like seven. And it seems I was wrong. Oh, oh, wow. I am so shocked and horrified that you were wrong. so okay I meant like as a kid I was like everyone's done it at least once as a kid you know like everyone kind of tries it out and realizes it's a terrible idea they really don't we put up a poll apparently only seven percent of y'all have pooed in the shower Laura genuinely believed she was like Britain you wait till this poll goes up and I was like no babe you wait like you wait

you are going to be the only shitter in the shower seven percent I cannot I like being part of the minority makes me feel different yeah usually but not the shitting in the shower minority it's good to try new things. And also 93% of you don't know what you're missing out on. Oh, look, I don't advise it. It's probably why people only do it once. It's not a very flushable or fun experience. I was six. I live to regret it. Thank you. You read that combo. Anyway, what is news with you, Britt? We're going to have a lot of news, but it is my lover's birthday today. It is Jordan's

birthday. And you guys remember that during the discussion group, I reached out to you guys for some help I was like look this gal's been single 10 years I don't really know how to do presents in relationships anymore what was a present I could get him that was long distance because obviously I'm not going to see him and I put you know I put it out there for some ideas I have an update what'd you get him nothing get in like one of those vibrators that you can remote control from opposite sides of the world I didn't know that was a thing oh yeah you can get a vibrator so it's like an egg or something that you stick up you and then he can control it like a video game on his phone jordan is literally like a child he's obsessed with video games

this would be disastrous for me i would be like vibrating across the floor for 24 hours till the battery died i'm just imagine you sitting here being like what sorry trying to concentrate it would he loves a video game that would not go down well i don't think that's a good christmas present don't put ideas i'm gonna send you some links after this do you have a code yeah it's my discount code um no i like this is i don't really know what to do with this i don't know how i feel about it but Jordan has brought it to my attention that he never ever wants me to buy him a gift of any description so on the love languages gifts is very far down the list he got zero we did it I was so shocked I was like what do you mean you never want me to buy because I'm very I express

my love by that I tried to send him something as a surprise last week not for his birthday just to say like hey I love you didn't really land well gifts don't do anything for him and he's like I actually feel uncomfortable getting gifts I just don't like it I'd rather just spend time with you at some stage or go out to dinner or something and I was like are you just saying this to be cute and he's like I genuinely never want to get from you again he's like I just want you to be there be present have fun together and all of the above so now I'm gonna have a life of never having to buy it's sort of great on one hand because I'm like I never have to rack my brain but on the other hand that's how I express but what about a really nice card or like if you then

are going to do something like you have to put extra effort into like what the celebration is like whether it's a really great dinner or you know what you're like you're getting that vibrator that works on the other side of the country that you know what I mean like is that the thing that he needs yeah he wants to just be if we can ever in the future like be together writing cards all that stuff is fine he just doesn't like physical gifts his love so when this came up I sent him the love languages test and I was like can you do this for me and I'll do it we'll swap his gifts was zero i was shocked usually everyone sits at least as some sort of percentage not even one each kind of type of love languages there's five we've done an episode on it you kind of always rate a

little bit in each area so to get zero is wild yep he just has zero interest in anything he's so low-key anything nothing he doesn't care about anything in the world no he's very he's not he's not superficial he's not money driven he's not anything he doesn't care about these superficial things like it doesn't impress him I think that's the thing and and he's not just saying it he believes it so anyway I'm gonna save myself a whole lot of money in this relationship but I did make it very clear to him I was like as long as you understand that this isn't reciprocal like I still want my gifts let's just not carry it away here this is not a let's not buy each other thing this conversation has come up a few times actually on the Facebook group if you're not following the

Facebook group here's the little plug it's at life uncut podcast group this has come up and the question has always been like for women it's easy you buy flowers you buy perfume you buy chocolates like there's these stock standard things that you can get for a woman that's like zero effort you know you tick a box you know you'll get laid you get a thing of flowers like that's just like you ticked a box we don't have that for men like what is it cologne socks the things that you could buy a man that are like box tickers are so boring why can't we give men flowers I want to know maybe you can I mean you can but like I don't think it lands as well anyway guys let's get into this episode we do keep this one nice and short it is us answering your

questions Brit has chosen two I have chosen one let's get into question number one all right guys my boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years when we first met he was hard-working passionate and thoughtful things started to unravel when he gave up his extracurricular activities, which was smoking the green stuff. Prior to us dating, I told him that I don't date smokers, especially not stoners. I've caught him a few times and he insists that it wasn't that bad or it just helps him feel better. Although COVID was tough on everyone, he was smoking day and night as a way to mask his deep-seated depression and anxiety. He now hasn't worked for eight months. His mom and dad continue to give him money, which infuriates me, but now I'm in a

position of not being emotionally financially or physically supported yep because we have no sex either i'm 30 this year so my question is do i wait and see if things will get better or do i just get out now while i can and move on to my next chapter oh come in with a hard one brett i know so like just to summarize he's got no motivation he smokes all day and night even though she told him at the beginning that that was a deal breaker he won't work so he's got no money. He lives off his parents. He's 30. And he's also struggling with mental health. That's a big part of it. He says he's smoking as a way of masking his anxiety and his mental health. And I think the bigger picture here is the fact that maybe he's in denial about having

mental health problems or about struggling with anxiety. And because of that denial and because of trying to cover it with using drugs and not facing where he's at in his life, he's not able to actually face what the problem is. And so this is going to be ongoing until it gets to a point where he wants to help himself and he wants to make some change I agree this is a really hard one my first initial reaction is you have been with him for a long time so you know you love each other and you do want to be there and support each other I wouldn't run away straight away you haven't said if you guys have tried to get him help I think the first thing that I would do in this situation is sit down and say to him it's obvious that you have a problem it's not working

in this relationship I want to help you let him know that he is supported he is loved and you want to help him get better whether that is I will come with you to the GP appointment I will book you an appointment with a doctor a psychologist I will help you day to day when you need me to move on having said that people need to want to help themselves as well there's only so much you can do if he absolutely does not ever want to get up and get a job he doesn't want to go to see a doctor to help himself you can't see an out with him and you have said quote he won't support you emotionally financially or physically there has to come a point where you do have to put your mental health first and we are big advocates of that so I think if you have done what you can to

let him know that he's loved and supported and you've tried to get him help and still a year on it is dragging you down and it is affecting your mental health then yeah I think that you do need to look at maybe taking some time out on your own and looking after yourself too because when the plane's crashing you need to get your oxygen mask first before you can help anyone else so if you're really struggling in this situation you need to look after yourself yeah and I guess like at the end of the day relationships have to be two-way it's a relationship it's a mutual contract where you get something from the other person as well it cannot just be one-sided where you give give give give and your cup doesn't get filled back up because by the end of it you're completely left

empty and dry and there will be resentment that will build there there will be I mean there probably already is resentment that's building there I think have those honest conversations which are I love you and I want you to get help. I need this to change. But there's so many aspects of this that I think that there will come a point and potentially come a point pretty soon for you where you might have to just walk away to give yourself some space to really figure out what it is that you want. I don't think it's healthy to stay in a relationship just because you feel like you need to help the other person. I do think that you have to put yourself first, exactly like what Britt said. You do have to put yourself first at some point. And

you know maybe you leaving and something changing about his environment will be the kickstarter that will actually make him realize okay i need to make some changes here because i can't be 30 and be mooching off my parents for forever and they're not really helping the situation either by facilitating this so maybe it's even worth having some conversations with them i don't know what your relationship's like with them that could be going behind his back that might not be healthy but like if you have a great relationship with them maybe saying you know i'm a bit worried about this situation yeah maybe you can't keep feeding your son's habit and keep paying for him when he doesn't want to go out and help himself one more thing I want to add as well is like if you have

put a hard boundary down around drug taking and it's something that from the very beginning you've said that you are not cool with and it's something that's become a really huge part of his life and is a massive crutch that in itself is a massive conversation and I think for me that would be enough for me to walk away because me too like there's a choice that's gone into that and there's lying that goes into it there's a whole layer there of deceit as well and feeling betrayed so I mean I don't feel super positive about this relationship like nothing that you've said in this question makes me think that you should continue to throw your energy and support behind it but at the same time I know it can be incredibly hard to walk away from somebody who is struggling

with their mental health we've said this in a past episode I'm going to reiterate it now actually it was Matt who said it great advice Matty J he said you know if you're going to leave someone or walk away from someone who has mental health issues or is struggling, it's always good to try and make sure that there is another support person to step into your place. Now I'm not saying like line up your next girlfriend, but talk to his family, talk to his parents, make sure that they know that he is struggling a little bit and may need some extra support there just so that you're not completely abandoning someone who might be in a dark situation already. And just this week guys on Tuesday's episode, we literally did an episode on boundaries. And one thing that we did say in

setting boundaries is a set them so you have said to him you don't tolerate drug taking in a relationship and you wanted him to know that when you got into the relationship so he didn't do it you've set your boundary but what the important thing was know the consequences of if the person breaks the boundary and also follow through with that so you need to action that if you're not actioning that so if you say this is not acceptable and i will not tolerate it then they continue to do it and you don't do anything about it well they're not going to change and you're tolerating it so you're tolerating literally just going back on what you said so at least even if it all it's going to do is start some action on his behalf maybe you do need to leave for a little while

so he's like wow if I don't pick my act up I'm gonna lose her and maybe he will maybe he won't it doesn't matter but you know that you're sticking by your boundaries that you have set all right I feel like we've covered that one and that was like a really deep one and now I have a kind of light one okay so I can't find this exact question that came in but I'm gonna paraphrase it because it's, yeah, this is it. Anyway, I've been dating this guy for a couple of weeks now. I met him on Bubble and he seems amazing. Everything is right. He is hot. He is funny. He is supportive. He is kind. He literally ticks every single box that I have, except the guy has terrible breath. It is terrible. So to the point where this person who's written in has already told him that he has

bad breath and he is booked in to go to the dentist to kind of you know have a little poke around however she has got the ick and now she feels like she's completely repulsed and turned off whenever she's not with him when she's with him she's like it's actually great but he has to always have a mint in his mouth otherwise I can't even fathom kissing him she's like but when I'm not with him all I can think is that I'm repulsed by him it's so hard what do you do what do you do when you've like caught the ick so bad that you when you're not in their presence I actually think she's already done the hardest part which is telling him that his breath's hard that for me would be I just don't even know how I would approach that I'd probably rather move overseas

and tell someone they had bad breath except if it was like an immediate family and except that we sit here every day and say like you know open communication and tell people what you really think when it's something it's so offensive like that it makes me uncomfortable if it was somebody that I wanted to spend my life with obviously you would have the conversation oh man same this is tricky because you just have said that he is perfect in every single way except for this one little thing which he's got he's actioning he's going to the dentist to try to change that so there is a chance in two weeks after his dentist appointment he's fixed but then lies the issue sometimes probably 95 of the time when you get the ick it is settled in and it is there

to stay you got the ick girl and when you've got the ick there's nothing you can do you have to be like thank you next yeah unfortunately you know what bad breath guy you fixed it for the next person that's what happens you are the girl before the girl you come in and you've been like you know what this is the issue you're great you've got bad breath he's gonna go and fix that and unfortunately you had to cop the brunt of that my advice is stick around for the two weeks if you can or maybe just be busy for a little while so you don't seem as much but i think you should see it out see what happens a see if it's fixed it might not even be fixed and then you know that you're out but if it is fixed you don't know that you might just fall head over heels in love with

him again and that might pass if this ick is just this one little tiny thing but you also might get to the two weeks and be like yeah no I just can't do it I will never get past and then at least you have your answer either way but also one good that you told him because if and I think anybody would agree with this if you have bad breath yes it's embarrassing and to like to be told but how much would you rather know so that you could rectify the problem and do something about it than if you never knew and nobody had ever told you and you were just getting around thinking that you you didn't know well this is the thing right people with bad breath don't know they don't smell their own breath so it's like my worst nightmare it's like my worst fear to think that I've had bad

breath and no one's told me or don't know I'm so lucky that I date Matt and he constantly tells me that I smell like a teenager so when you're breastfeeding you get super hormonal and I am like just dripping in BO every day now I have to lather myself like a teenage boy but I'm lucky that I have a partner who likes to tell me constantly babe you need to go put some deodorant on i mean my sister sherry and i tell each we will be the most open people would be like oh you stink have you not put your own today go and have a shower your breast stinks whoa did you eat garlic last night so we're lucky that we are that person for each other but i really feel for anyone in this situation i think hang around girl two weeks and then you'll know either way whether the ick is

here to stay or whether you can regroup and fall in love with this almost mr perfect all right last question this one has come in from a guy and I love it when we get questions from guys because we don't have that many male listeners but here we are I actually think we have more than we realize because they're all starting to come out the woodwork I've got a few questions from men so this one is I've been dating this girl for the last two years we're in love and we're super committed to each other so I thought recently I found out that she'd hooked up with a girl at a party now I know that some guys would be cool with this I know that some guys find it hot but i don't and i feel like it's cheating she's tried to say it's not as bad as if it was with

a guy because it's with a girl is it still cheating yes full stop okay and thank you for coming to our ted talk guys that is the episode no i 100 i get why some people might be like oh you know it's not as bad didn't mean anything but it's i think personally the sex of the person you are kissing is irrelevant i think you've gone out and you're having some sort of physical connection with someone else or some sort of emotional connection with someone else and it's not your partner well I think from this question as well the way that this was written is that it was more than just kissing it was like they were getting down to freaky town yeah I'm gonna call it that I think because this has happened to a friend of mine not that long ago too almost exactly the same

thing it was his girlfriend and she was out at a club hooking up with someone else and he saw it and she tried to play it off as that it was you know just a sexy fun thing but he was like I feel uncomfortable but to me it was like I feel uncomfortable by it but is that wrong he was like because I think she still is into women as well I mean I don't think it's irrelevant if you're bisexual or straight I don't think it matters I think you've still gone and had a connection with someone else that wasn't your partner so this is just a personal opinion for me I think that 100% that's cheating well and also it comes down to the person it comes down to the relationship like if you have set those boundaries and you think that it's a breach on something that makes

you feel uncomfortable, then that's all that matters. It's not up to her to try and convince you that you're wrong because you think it's cheating and she doesn't. There should be some really clear boundaries. If you're in a committed relationship, a monogamous relationship, then the sex of the other person is completely irrelevant. And I do think it's interesting, right? We do have a bit of a culture, a bit of a party culture where like chicks can hook up with chicks and that's like sexy and cool. Like that's a bit funny and a bit like bi-curious, but it's not as threatening, right whereas I feel like we wouldn't be as cool with a guy hooking up with a guy it would be a bit more intimidating if your male partner was to hook up with another guy it's just not talked about

it's not like celebrated in the same way as two chicks are casually hooking up at a bar to like impress their friends or because it was funny or cute guys don't do it in the same way and it's definitely what's acceptable in your relationship if you're a guy in that situation and you're okay with that then that's that's fine if it doesn't feel like cheating to you and you're happy to watch that and you can get amongst it or whatever it is it's definitely just like Laura said it's what is okay within yourself I had another friend that this exact thing happened to well in reverse her partner a male came to her after four years and said I think I'm a little bit curious about being with a man I love you I love women but like I've had these thoughts about being with a man and

I sort of want to go and explore that is that okay they sort of had that conversation and she said you know I love you and absolutely that's okay but you won't be doing that while we're together she was saying I hate that you're going through this turmoil and you're trying to figure yourself out and I want to support that and I love you and I want to be with you I support you going to figure it out but you won't be doing that with me because in her mind that was cheating and she did want him to figure it out but she knew that her boundaries were I'm not going to be okay with you doing that man or woman while we're in a relationship so she sort of just put that to him that was her knowing what her she was comfortable with and actioning that yeah for sure and I think

like you know it comes down to like choosing whether or not you're in a monogamous relationship if you are like okay we are committed then you are committed that's regardless of anything else absolutely regardless I do think that there is an aspect of it that seems less threatening for example if Matt was to hook up with a guy I think I would be less threatened and hurt by it maybe than if it was a girl because physically that man has something I don't have do you know I mean like it's not like he's left me or he's going and doing something with somebody who has all the assets and all the things that I have. There would be something fundamentally missing or there would be something that he wants to try that I'm not giving him, which I think would maybe my ego would

feel a little bit better about. Like I would feel a little bit like, okay, well I can't compete with that. And so I would feel less threatened by it. Does it make it any less of cheating or does it make it any less of a breach of our trust in each other? No, absolutely not. It's equivalent in my terms or in my books yeah if Jordan hooked up with a guy or a girl I'd be like no that's a hard one ultimately just decide what you're happy with what are your boundaries and I think you know the answer okay well that is it from us today lifers three quick little questions we have got to get out of here thank you so much for writing in please keep them coming at life uncut podcast on the instagram I said that for you Laura because you always say that just make sure when you're

write in your questions guys at the top you put ask uncut just so i can see in the dms what it is likewise if you are writing in a funny story which please keep them coming because we live for them make sure you put accidentally unfiltered at the top so we can differentiate and we can keep bringing you these crackers and you know the drill tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your cat tell your fish tell everyone and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.