Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Husband Cheated, Brought Home An STI & Wants Forgiveness

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camarago land. coming out of you did you call me loz or lozzy or something lozzy lozzy yeah I'm not a lozzy I mean I'll take it but you said it and then you instantly like it was like I recoiled it's like you vomit in your own mouth hey lozzy I said no I said hey lozzy and I was like what just happened you looked at me and I looked at you and it was I felt uncomfortable like I felt like I did something without your consent it's like when a co-worker that you don't like they hug you and you're like oh we're not on hugging no don't do that because you're not a I'm not a lozzy you're not you can hug me i'd rather you hug me thanks i think i call you laws more than i call you anything else

Starting point is 00:01:03 but you're fine because you've always done it it's different i'm in the past because you've always like since day dot when you started like obviously we became friends really quickly but like when you started you started in a work capacity and you'd call me laws and i'm not going to be like excuse me it's laura you probably would have i feel like more so than a friend capacity if you're a boss you can say i don't like that name totally but it's like so i have a friend that calls me britty always i call you sometimes and i hate it when you call me britty it's like if your britty is the equivalent of lorzy i know i get it what about when i do it less so and then when my friend's validating conversation i've ever had when my

Starting point is 00:01:48 My friend Kim does it. She's the only one that can like properly get away with it because I've been britty to her from day one. So it works. Yeah. Do you know why? It's because when we started being friends, we weren't nickname people. We didn't call each other Lawsy and Britty.

Starting point is 00:02:01 We didn't even call each other a name. We just said, hey, hun. Yeah. So now, six years later, to try and bring in a nickname of Lawsy feels fucking weird. The other day, Ben called me Brit and I was like, Will. Why does he normally call you? Babe, love.

Starting point is 00:02:15 We don't use each other's names. That's what I realized. I was like we aren't name people if I go hey Ben he's like what like it's like hey babe we're the same Matt and I rarely call each other by name but every you're like hey daddy I literally do call him daddy no but a few times where he does call me Laura or every so often if he's like working and I've called him and he's with people he'll be like hey mate and it fucking wigs me out mate is no it's not okay anyway look guys you're here for Ask Uncut you're not here for the name chat but maybe they are i don't know what they're here for whatever way serve it up to

Starting point is 00:02:52 be fair i didn't realize that we'd actually started until we're about three minutes into this and i was like oh wait this isn't pre-podcast chat we're keeping yeah sorry keisha you got to edit it anyway to be fair the start part where i was yelling laura i didn't think we were recording but laura continued with the episode so i just lent in yeah i'd like to apologize anyone i offended with my fake Elaria Baldwin accent about a cucumber. I also thought that was going to be cut. Before we get into the questions, I do want to validate Keisha. I mean, I want to validate you for a lot of things. Not that I invalidate you. But I feel validated today. I'm allowed to call you broody. I'm allowed to call you laws. We're in a safe space. No, but producer Keisha has been

Starting point is 00:03:28 talking about sleep forever. For as long as we have known Keisha. It's one of your main hobbies in life. And I love that aspiration for you. Imagine if I was sleeping. No, because I would love it to be my hobby honestly such an interesting person no hey you guys know there's vibes and unsubscribes I would say at least a good 30 percent of the vibes that Keish brings are sleep related or things that would pertain to better sleeping hygiene yeah and you did say early in the year I think it was like in January you said my goal for this year is to have better sleep is to sleep yeah sleep has been a weird thing like I know I'm so obsessed with it but for someone who's as obsessed with it as I am you would think I would get more of it but I'm passionate about it

Starting point is 00:04:06 It's something I struggle with a lot and so I have done a lot to try and rectify that and get good sleep. Well, I get it. I also like sleep but I didn't realise that I could love sleep more until I recently slept over at Keisha's house. So I had an adult sleepover. Okay, I'm just imagining all of the vibes that Keisha's wheeled out for the past six months.

Starting point is 00:04:28 She's like lavender spray, head oil, like it's all just next to the bed. Laura, you're joking but like there's a list. No, I was like, I walked into a hotel room. So I had to sleep over at Keisha's house. Delilah and I like, you know, we're just these single ladies that we were like, let's meet up and have some carbonara and hang out. So I went over, slept the night and it was bedtime. And I could tell Keisha the whole night was like, she's like, you ready for bed yet?

Starting point is 00:04:49 And I was like, not yet. She was just trying to put me to bed. She's like, wanted me to experience her hotel-esque vibes. It's because you also stay up to 1130 and Keisha would never. No, Keisha does. She scrolls, doom scrolls till early hours. If I have no one there to tell me to go to bed, I do get a bit stuck in the doom scroll. but we were having dinner and there was just a part of me that I was like I wonder what this

Starting point is 00:05:07 is going to be like for her because I've had people sleep over before and everyone comments on it everyone says like oh my gosh your bedroom it's just so nice it's so comfortable it's so lovely and so the whole time I was like I am so ready to see what Brit's experience is and I wonder if she'll tell me like I wonder if it'll just be brushed off as no big deal oh no I couldn't even wait to review it it was five stars so I went into the room Kisha followed me I was like why she followed me she literally followed me into the doorway and I was like oh she's actually gonna watch me into bed so it was this moment where I was like okay well you know again I'm in bed now I hopped into the bed she sat on the end and she was like looking at me like waiting

Starting point is 00:05:42 for me anyway I got into this bed I have never experienced anything like it not at any hotel I have ever been to the most comfortable experience of my life the best sleep the pillow the materials there was a triple layer of bedding to be like squishy and soft I'm just waiting for you to wheel out this is a sponsor by Emma Mattress sponsored I paid good money for that but it was I just want to validate you and say I get it I saw the glee flush over your body I actually saw you experience the pleasure as you like slipped in to the comfortable bedding and I also turned on the electric blanket like an hour before you got in because she just wanted you to really experience it to its full pleasure what I do want to say is I'm gonna double down

Starting point is 00:06:24 on the validation I haven't told you this yet I will put my hand up and say I laughed I will say I mocked you even, possibly. There was a time where I was banned from making sleep vibes. No, no, no. Behind your back. You don't know about it. No, I mocked you on the podcast. I thought it was hilarious.

Starting point is 00:06:40 This is my double validation. The little sensor lights that you put. The sensor lights that Keisha bought that we all, we laughed, we laughed, we laughed. They're these tiny little things that line the hallway in the bathroom. I got up for that midnight wee and I did not regret that sensor light. I actually looked down and thought, what a good idea. Sorry, can we please just like cast our minds back to when Keisha brought the vibe of the sensor light?

Starting point is 00:07:07 I'm pretty sure from memory, and I might be wrong, it might have been me who said it. We both did. But Britt said it's for old people. It is the Crest Motion Sensor LED Night Light Set in Warm White 2-Pack for $25. What the fuck? Just turn the light on. I can't seem to not need to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and you don't want to turn the lights on because then it gets you out of that sleep phase too much. But I started

Starting point is 00:07:34 running into things. Keisha, this is the best and I'm all for it, but it's also like could be great for your kids or if you're a little old lady. But I'm a big enough person. I'm humbled to say that well done, well played. I have ordered some sensor lights. This has brought me an incredible amount of joy for me. Laura, when are you coming for a sleepover? Anytime. Do you want me pre-birth or post birth. Are you bringing the baby? Unfortunately, I think that it's going to be attached to me for a while. All right, guys, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes before we start answering your questions. I'm actually really excited to share this with you. And I really do hope that you guys go and watch it because I genuinely sobbed. I deeply sobbed

Starting point is 00:08:15 watching this for multiple reasons. One, because I was so horrified by what our government did to this family and also i was so just completely fucking filled with joy that they were able to stay now what i'm talking about is you know their tv show called the australian story it's on abc iview it's called to be low and back and it's the billa willa family you guys might remember quite a few years ago now priya and nads they were the tamil couple who they had their two daughters in australia their daughters were born in australia they were tamil refugees who moved to billa willa who worked in like a small regional town, did all the things that you would hope for a family who's immigrated here, a couple who have immigrated here to do. Just worked hard.

Starting point is 00:08:58 Just fucking worked hard. And also had two Australian born daughters who had never been to Sri Lanka. And this all played out during ScoMo's government. And also when Peter Dutton was in charge of home affairs and also minister for immigration. Now, the reason why this was just like so harrowing is this family were taken their application to be refugees and to stay in Australia and immigrate to Australia permanently was denied you guys might remember this they were arrested and they boarded a plane and it was all went very viral because the Biloela community put up such a protest to try and get them to stay in Australia but what ended up happening is that the kids and the family were taken to Christmas Island and kept there for years there's all this

Starting point is 00:09:39 documentation around the children being malnourished because they didn't have access to fruit and vegetables and things that are just absolute basic human rights. Matt and I were both sitting on the couch bawling our eyes out at this story and also at the incredible reaction from the community. And it was only when the oldest daughter ended up getting pneumonia and she was so critically sick that she had to be flown out of Christmas Island over to a hospital in Perth that then it became mainstream media again. They were granted the right to be able to stay here in Australia and it's just truly a beautiful full circle story. Just such mishandling. Completely but also like this is how people are treated within Australia and you would

Starting point is 00:10:17 never know that unless it reaches this type of mainstream media and the fact that these two little girls were Australian born had never been to Sri Lanka. There's just so much more to this and I reckon at the time we were all relatively across it because we did even speak about it on an episode quite a while ago but there was so much in this that I had no idea about. It really filled me with this moment where I was like I'm so proud of the Australians who got behind this family and also it's an update on where they are now so they you know how they're contributing to the community and how the girls are thriving in school like it's a really beautiful story it's honestly like please go and watch it you will cry as much as I did it's the Australian story

Starting point is 00:10:57 ABC iview and it's to be alone back I'm really keen to watch that it's beautiful there's this very dark theme amongst so much of our laws and the way that you know things are governed about the value of a human life based off of where you're born my vibe feels my vibe feels so like oh no it feels very frivolous in comparison I think everything will feel we don't we don't need everyone to cry on it I messaged you guys and I was like I can't stop crying so I think one to you for the week is good enough well my vibe this week is actually a set of boots and they're steel cap boots so I can't remember if we ever spoke about this on the podcast we did The weekend that we went to the F1, I ended up losing my big toenail and it is still only like

Starting point is 00:11:38 half grown back. It's been a whole drama and a whole debacle. And I realized that I am in fact, a very clumsy person and I needed to kind of prep myself for what might happen if I don't protect my feet and I might lose more toenails. So I ended up purchasing myself a pair of steel cap boots. Guys, these are the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn in my life. Wear them to a recording and let Britt really tell you what she thinks of them. No, I've already got a pair. I've got a pair from when I was in the jungle. I love them.

Starting point is 00:12:11 They're so squishy. I don't know if all men's boots are made like this, but if they are, I must know. Now, these ones are like a ladies equivalent. I got them from this website called Workwear Hub. these are the ladies hobart elastic sided boot in sand very niche today well look i have been wearing them so much i've even been wearing them on my walks with delilah imagine being that clumsy you can't trust yourself i feel really protected but also it's because they're so squishy and they're so comfortable it's the best 160 bucks i have literally ever spent and one of them is a lot

Starting point is 00:12:42 dirtier than the other because it's the one i use to kick the ball to delilah so they have become my everyday shoe if i'm not at work i'm wearing these boots they're the best wow i feel like i feel like you can't mark my recommendations anymore because in two weeks time you're gonna be saying they're the best thing you've ever heard i think great record okay vibes are unsubscribed mine is netflix.co you guys have probably seen it or you've listened to a podcast on it but it is the amy bradley is missing it's a true crime documentary about amy bradley who went missing back in 1993 from a caribbean cruise that she was on with her family oh i've heard about this it's on netflix it's three episodes sorry to hijack your vibe but i

Starting point is 00:13:27 who was talking no because the amy bradley thing i spent my entire night with matt on sleuthing sites trying to find her i went so deep well it's because she's missing but no one knows what happened it is the most unusual i don't want to say phenomenon it's not the right thing but think of how big a cruise ship is they are ginormous nobody knows where she is or what happened no one knows if she was taken if she fell overboard if she jumped overboard if she was smuggled into a sex trade and there are so many conspiracy theories they have all this footage on cameras and the FBI came on and they tried to follow her footsteps through the night and track her down and she was she on the cruise by herself with her family like her brother and her parents they're

Starting point is 00:14:08 all in the same cabin. She comes into the cabin and goes onto the balcony at like three in the morning and then gone. And it follows these different conspiracy theories because there are a few people that have come out saying that they swear they have seen her after on this Caribbean kind of island and that she has been sold into maybe a sex trade. She's always being followed by men that are controlling her. There are multiple people that swear they have seen her. It's really quite alarming and there's a lot of theories. And so, like, they think that maybe she's being held captive in Barbados. But then there are people in FBI that are also saying, like,

Starting point is 00:14:46 we actually don't think she ever left the boat. We think she's fallen overboard or done something. So it's like, and the poor family have spent their whole life looking for her. And the documentary sort of follows it. It goes back and shows the footage. It shows the different key witnesses. But it also speaks to her family and it speaks to her ex-girlfriend. even that was really strange like there were so many things with the ex-girlfriend

Starting point is 00:15:08 not in she's not a suspect I mean like after she had passed away she'd received letters from her that she had sent before she'd passed before she disappeared and like it was just an incredible watch and so whilst they don't know what has happened it does raise the question and really make you think about human trafficking and the fact that it is so prevalent and it's so easy for us to sit here and it doesn't cross your mind and we've spoken about that kind of thing on the podcast before we actually want to speak more about it but it makes you think oh my god like you think that you're safe in a place like that on a cruise ship with your family and then poof gone yeah and I guess like the other part of this which I found really really devastating and

Starting point is 00:15:48 if you guys haven't seen it it's such an easy watch like we watched the whole thing in one evening is around the jurisdiction of like FBI or like localized police is it international Yes. So that's the complications. It's international waters. Obviously then the investigation has to happen in Barbados or in these Caribbean islands, but the investigation is happening from the US and they don't have jurisdiction to just go over there and do a manhunt, you know? So it's really kind of like the perfect crime. And so even though there are these sightings, it makes you question like as a parent, what would you do? Would you just give up your life, move to an island and get your husband to go to every single bloody brothel until they

Starting point is 00:16:23 found your daughter? Like, what would you do? And they were the big questions that Matt and I were having afterwards. And then we're in some family group chats with like other parents and we were all asking the same questions. Wild. Yeah. So that's Netflix. It's three episodes. I watched it in one night because I couldn't turn it off and I needed to see it through. So yeah, I can't recommend that enough. That sounds unreal. All right. Question time. All right. Question number my boyfriend applied and he got a job without my knowledge. What do I do? So my partner is currently out of town and he called me saying that he got a new amazing job in a different city. It's a two-year contract. The application process took a few months and he did it all without

Starting point is 00:17:05 telling me. He even flew to the city for an interview, telling me at the time that it was just a work trip. He expects me to come with him and thought I would be excited because this job is in my hometown and my parents and some friends still live there however i am not excited at all i love my life in our current city he promises that it's only two years and then we're just going to move back he told me he didn't want to tell me as to not jinx the process oh fuck off sorry whatever mate how do i navigate this upon his return he is otherwise such a great guy but i'm like really really hurt that he went behind my back and he made this decision for us a hundred 100%. I'm sorry. You are living together. You are a couple. Your partner doesn't make

Starting point is 00:17:49 life-altering decisions without consulting you. It's not just a decision for him. It's one thing, not that it's okay, but it's one thing for him to say, hey, I got this dream job. Are we going to navigate long distance? What are we going to do? It's another to come to you and say, we are moving for two years. Sorry. That is like a blanket no for me. It's also, even if he came to you and said, I'm moving for two years, sorry two years the fact that he went through the process flew like even if you just are going for job interviews you discuss that with your partner like it's the lack of inclusion and it's the lack of feeling as though you're a team that i think is the most devastating part of this but also why

Starting point is 00:18:28 because it's a pre-meditated like that is a conscious choice to because it's not that he just omitted it from you he lied like when he was going interstate or to this other city for the interview he made up a story so it's consciously said I'm going to do everything I can to not let her know I'll tell you why I think he's done it I think he's done it because he's like I don't want to tell you if there's nothing to tell you and this is kind of a weirdly linked to a conversation we had last Ask Uncut Brit where we were talking about the woman who had been asked not to get pregnant at the wedding so pre the wedding and at the time when we were discussing obviously very different circumstances not your life partner so very different rules apply but you remember you

Starting point is 00:19:08 sort of said that your feelings around this was like why bring up something if there's a potential that it's never going to happen it's going to cause drama right so like that's okay in a friend environment yeah you can't do that shit in a relationship you can't be like you know what i didn't want to tell you because it was a high chance it wasn't going to happen so like why have those dramatic conversations if it was not a possibility i got hurt by matt when matt wanted to do i'm a celebrity so you guys might remember i don't know if i went into details about this I really was quite anti that I'm a celebrity decision and it wasn't because I didn't want him to do it it wasn't because I was like oh my god it's gonna be so hard for six weeks on my own

Starting point is 00:19:48 that wasn't the reason it was because he went through the interview process and he had made decisions and he told me after it was like at the pointy end and the offer had already been made yeah and like I know how reality tv works I know that there's interviews with executives I know whole process it's a process and yes sometimes that process moves quickly no doubt sometimes it's two weeks and it's done and sometimes it's two days and it's done there's still a process we talk every night and to just not mention that you've had prep interviews around doing a reality show that deeply affects our entire life it wasn't about it affecting our life it was about not being brought along with the process we're not a team if you make decisions and then you tell me the

Starting point is 00:20:29 decisions you've made well the problem and that's the problem here yeah the problem with this is it actually frustrates me for you but the problem with this is it's gotten to a point now and I'm not convinced he's done it Laura just because he's like I don't want to jinx it oh there's nothing to tell I think he's done it because he probably knows you don't want to move now it's at a point where you're the bad guy if you don't want to move he's got his dream job he wants to go and do that and if you're not happy to move well then like that's on you kind of thing and I don't think that is fair because there's a big chance that you don't want to go back there which you've said you don't know if you want to go back there like and then what are the options you either go and

Starting point is 00:21:05 you're unhappy you don't go and you're long distance or you break up like I don't know what the other three options are I don't know if it's that point though because I do because if that was his motive that would mean that he doesn't want to be with you anymore but he's saying like I want to take this job and I want you to come with me no I don't think he wants to break up with her I just think he knows she probably didn't want to go back to her home yeah so he went through with it anyway like this is the option this is what's happening because if you sit down and talk as a couple realistically and you're like hey I really want to go to this job it's going back to your hometown what do you think and your partner's like I would be so unhappy there I don't want

Starting point is 00:21:35 to go backwards then you're not going to apply for the job right but he's taking that away it's here these job applications are like you need to accept an offer pretty quickly usually so there's a time crunch now there's a pressure I feel really sorry for you I don't know how you're going to resolve it because you can do long distance for sure that's a whole nother kettle of fish but like what's your job what's your dreams what's your situation is that going to take you back in your career I don't know what your relationship's like with your family yeah like and the reality is it wasn't like at the pointy end he accepted this job he called you to say I have a new job and this is what we're doing I think just to validate you as we validated

Starting point is 00:22:12 Keisha already today you have every right to feel as upset as you feel and even if it actually was a move that you were excited about and you were like yeah fuck cool let's move back you actually still have a right to be feeling upset about it like obviously it's tenfold because you don't want to move but it's the making decisions without including you when you're a couple and you've been together for several years like your life is heading in a direction and you constantly need to be checking in to make sure that the decisions that you're making for yourself are also decisions that are inclusive or don't impact your partner in a way that is insensitive or unkind and that's not to say you can't do things separately but you do have a responsibility to communicate that with

Starting point is 00:22:51 your partner and he hasn't done this and he hasn't afforded you he has made decisions for his life and for your life and not brought you in on this. And it's just not how relationships work. Is that what you want to do? Is that how you want to communicate with your partner in the future? Like whatever you decide to do, you know, you love him, he's great, you probably will end up going, I'm going to assume. I'd love you to tell us what you do.

Starting point is 00:23:13 But like it needs to be made very clear to him how uncool this was and that moving forward you don't fucking make decisions on your own that are life-altering without bringing your partner into it. Question number two. We have never had anything like this before. This is a bit of a doozy. Don't even actually know how we answer this. I don't either, but it's worth it.

Starting point is 00:23:32 I've been with my partner for five years and we have a one-year-old. He's everything to me. I have never been happier in my life. I'm 38 years old and my partner just absolutely blew things up. He told me he's got gonorrhea and that I need to go and be tested. Now, he went straight to the point of asking for forgiveness about what he was about to tell me. Let me tell you, I was absolutely not ready.

Starting point is 00:23:54 He said that I'm his penguin, but he is just not fully satisfied in the bedroom because he likes hardcore anal done to him and that he never felt like he could ask me to do it because I have never expressed any of those tendencies. So he went and paid to receive hardcore anal multiple times during our relationship. She goes on to say, just to get you guys up to speed, she goes on to say that this wasn't a one-off, it was multiple times. He loves me and our family and assures me he is not homosexual and never wanted to hurt me. Now, I am a really open-minded person and I think that I could have understood these sexual tendencies and possibly would have even tried to pleasure him with toys and pegging, etc. if I had have known. I don't want to judge him for his sexual

Starting point is 00:24:36 tendencies, but I do not accept that he went to see somebody and put my health at risk. I am devastated and I feel like it's one thing to get over the fact that he cheated, but it is another thing to get over the fact that he cheated with a man i love him dearly and feel completely lost how do i get over this can i ever forgive him and if i do am i ever going to want to pleasure him the way that he likes a middle ground would be great but i'm not sure what the hell the middle ground even is this is like wow it's a lot wow wow wow i know okay start at the top firstly you cannot ask someone for forgiveness before you tell them what it is that you have done i mean you can but it doesn't have to work and I know that that's where he went to I know that he's obviously

Starting point is 00:25:21 upset to tell you this I agree all of those things he had to tell you because he's been diagnosed with gonorrhea how long would this have gone on for and the only reason why he's telling you is because you would have found out because there is a very good chance that you also have gonorrhea from your husband you've been together for five years you have a one-year-old there is no part of me that wants to minimize like anything that you have experienced in your relationship prior but there's also a big part of me that goes people can be really good at masking parts of themselves for a really long time and I feel like this situation where you say he's done this often like this is not it wasn't like he accidentally cheated on me at a nightclub got super drunk and

Starting point is 00:26:07 went home with someone this is something that he has been habitually doing and getting away with and lying to you about. The damage that it does to your relationship, regardless of how much you love him and how amazing your life was beforehand, your life will never be the same relationship with him again. You're never going to get back to where it was three years ago, four years ago, because now that you have this information, the only way that you're going to get over it, if you choose to, is by rebuilding a new relationship. Do I think many people can get over this type of infidelity? I don't know. I don't think so. I think it would be incredibly hard to. Totally. And like, let's break this down. There are two parts to it. Cheating is one thing

Starting point is 00:26:47 and cheating with a man is another. And I know a lot of people might say all cheating is created equal. It's not all created equal. Like it is different. And cheating same sex, I think adds another layer to it because of course it's going to add another layer of complexity to the way you think about it and the way you question your relationship. Now we know sexuality is fluid and he has said, I'm not homosexual, maybe he's not, but he's definitely not a hundred percent straight. I don't want to say definitely, I'm going to make the assumption he's not, because if you're going to pay to receive anal sex, but you were choosing every time to have it received by a man, of course, you're going to question what his sexuality is. Now that's a

Starting point is 00:27:26 problem for you only if it's a problem for you. So like that's going to bother some people less so than others and more so than others I think going back to the core issue here it's maybe I mean for me it's just five years of cheating and bringing home an STI the only reason he has told you is because he had to so that's the bigger issue here for me is like wow how long would this have gone on for if you never made me aware yeah it's an odd one to try and unpack isn't it because it's so complicated no I mean like the sexuality thing like I mean put that aside and Parker, because at the end of the day, you could be bisexual and choose to be in a relationship with a woman or a man. Being someone who has any level of fluidity to their sexuality doesn't mean

Starting point is 00:28:08 that you don't have the ability to be monogamous, right? They're not two things that are of the same and let's not conflate them. But when someone is being completely unfaithful and it sounds like he has been for pretty much, you know, potentially even all of your relationship, it's all the damage that's done. It's all the times when you think, oh, they said that they were here, but were they really there and then you have to like go back in your brain to be like okay well how much of our relationship is real and how much of it has been built on this like he's this person during the day and then he lives this fucking separate lie at night time and then comes home to his happy family and just pretends like everything's fine it's the duplicity of it all that makes

Starting point is 00:28:45 people not be able to trust what's in front of them again and there's a very good reason why you can't trust him it's because he's fucking lied to you every day for the last x amount of years the reason why it's so tricky to answer is because you'd speak to any counselor psychologist and they would say yes you can come back from cheating but you'll never be the same relationship as you were post cheating and I would say that all cheating is built differently and this situation feels very very complicated and very hard to come back from unless he is committed to changing he is committed to the type of relationship that you want and if that's monogamous then that's going to potentially be something that's really hard for him. And I think that it's more, this is not

Starting point is 00:29:27 just a sorry situation. Like this is a lot of working out and better understanding why he got to a point where he felt like he could lie so insidiously for so long about something that has completely unraveled your relationship. It's not for you to rebuild this. This is for him. The reason this is even more tricky is because this is somebody that you've said you just love so much. They're your life partner. Cheating is one thing where you want to be so hurt and angry and betrayed. This has this layer of being like, well, hang on. I love this person so much. Am I supposed to then help them through this? Because there's obviously some sort of question of their sexuality that is intertwined in that. And there's a part of me that would be so angry and like,

Starting point is 00:30:12 fuck you for hurting me and bringing this back to me. But then I would almost want to sit with them and try and work out what's going on for them because I can only imagine that there is this layer that's very confusing for him. And I'm not saying that to give him the grace from what he's done. The cheating is wrong, but it gets complicated because for me, I imagine there has to be some inner confusion or turmoil to some capacity with him. So I would, as much as I'd want to be like so angry and not wanting

Starting point is 00:30:39 to talk to him and work it out, there's a part of me that would want to be like holding his hand through it and saying, hey, just talk me through this. Like, is there something that's going on inside of you? Like just to try and establish that, because I can only imagine what that would do to a person too, if you are trying to figure out who and what you are. So I don't know. It's really tricky for me to answer.

Starting point is 00:30:57 Yeah. But it's also, I don't think that it's the partner's responsibility. I know that you want to, might want to do that. I know that you might want to be like, I can't just switch off loving this person, but you cannot help them at this point. Do you know what I mean? Like this is not, if you find out that you can help them at this point, of course you can if people at any point of a mental health crisis which I'm just saying if there is the

Starting point is 00:31:17 confusion layer it's not just he's going around being a fuckwit and cheating if there is something going on internally with him questioning his sexuality of course you can be there and help but that's why it's so tricky yeah okay I maybe I feel a bit differently about this because I think it's too easy in this situation for the person who's caused the harm to create and make themselves the victim so like if he's like I'm going through a really hard time this is really challenging for me. No doubt. I do not dismiss those feelings. Absolutely. It doesn't mean you get to absolutely fuck the people who you've made committed responsibilities, had relationships with, had a baby with along the way. And when I say it's not your responsibility to help them and fix them,

Starting point is 00:31:59 and this is, you know, so like, for example, if you're in a relationship and you find out that your partner is a sex addict, you can't help them through their sex addiction. The only thing you can do is step away from that relationship for a prolonged period of time while they fix the issue that they have. Because for as long as they know that you're going to be there and you're going to be able to, they're going to go back to you. It doesn't fix the problem. It doesn't solve the sex addiction issue that they have. Cause they're like, well, I don't have to be that sorry for it, or I don't have to do the hard work because my relationship's still here and I can always plug back into it. I agree with that. I think this is different if it comes down to questioning who you

Starting point is 00:32:40 are and your sexuality. I think that it's just a very particularly niche crisis. Well, I mean, look, if I was you, I would be going and seeking some professional advice and getting some real kind of like, okay, this is how we work through this because I don't believe that you can go from finding out this information to a place of middle ground forgiveness and figuring out how you can pleasure him. That is not for you to figure out right now. What is for you to figure at is how you can feel safe in your relationship, how you can be safe in your body, how you can ensure that you are respected and that the relationship boundaries are being upheld so that you don't lose every sense of self-worth in this relationship. And just feel trust.

Starting point is 00:33:21 Yeah. And I think that those things are very important first. He needs to figure out what's going on in his life. And that might mean down the track, you do combined therapy, combined counseling sessions if you want to be together, but you can't get straight to repair. there's a lot of other shit that has to go down first before you can fix this and that is not one conversation this relationship will never be the same relationship if you do manage to fix it then where you're going to be in six or seven years time will be a different version to what you had before so say goodbye to that relationship because it doesn't exist anymore yeah you were just talking about the long-term effects you can't just fix this straight away the only other

Starting point is 00:33:58 part that we haven't touched on here is that you don't know how long you might have had gone a rear for you could have really serious long-term consequences of the fact that your husband has passed this to you because he's been deceitful and done the wrong thing like you could have really serious issues with your health that's just something that I think adds a whole other layer to this that he has put your health at risk you have no idea how long for and you could be suffering the long-term consequences of that physically as well yeah but you know what if you think about it the only reason we're being remotely delicate about it is because there's a part of it an aspect of it where he's questioning his sexuality that is the reason we're being

Starting point is 00:34:34 delicate if he just went out and had sex with someone else cheated on you another woman came home and brought that into your house our answer would be different mine would be I would be like fuck that but the only reason that my sensitivity comes in is because I'm trying to say okay is there possibly an aspect where he really doesn't know what the fuck he wants or who he is and that comes with mental health ties it does so I think that that's why I'm being more sensitive with that aspect because if he was just went out was having sex with other chicks for five years was bringing STIs home my advice would be like man get out of there you deserve better and I think when you look at it like that it's probably a bit easier to put that more sensitive lens on it I understand and I

Starting point is 00:35:15 wish I had that level of empathy to it I think it's a problem if we very quickly jump to mental health though because like we are making assumptions that his want to have sex with men equates to mental health. And I don't think it necessarily does. If it does, and if that's a conversation that he has brought to you, you have discussed, then of course there needs to be a level of sensitivities. But I absolutely don't want to equate infidelity, being attracted to men and enjoying anal sex as a mental health issue, because I actually think that that kind of takes away from people who truly struggle with their sexual identities. Some people just enjoy different kinds of pleasure. There's a bit of shame, a bit of guilt attached to it. He didn't

Starting point is 00:35:55 know how she was going to react and so he was able to get away with it and live this double life that doesn't necessarily mean that he has a deep mental health problem he's also projected that onto her she said he's never brought this up with me and he's also never discussed it with me well you didn't discuss fucking anything with me pal so he's actually just made assumptions and then he's kind of projected a little bit of like the fault onto you for making their kind of situation seem like well i didn't feel like i could come to you with these sexual things that i liked having done All right. Next question. A few weeks ago, I went to see a band. My sister was supposed to come, but she couldn't come. So her husband used the ticket instead. From the start, it kind of felt

Starting point is 00:36:35 like a date. He bought me a drink and was touching me on the back and the shoulder throughout the night. When we got in the Uber home, he opened the door for me and was touching my knee, rubbing my thigh on the drive home. I froze and I did nothing. It felt like he was making the moves. now my sister and i are very very close and they have been married for ages i'm talking decades my sister has told me things have been rocky lately but from what i know their marriage is pretty solid since then i've been completely avoiding him but i can't do that forever i don't want to carry this secret but i also don't want to be responsible for ending their marriage do i confront him do i tell her also i wonder if i'm just making a big deal out of nothing

Starting point is 00:37:19 since it wasn't actually sexual touching but I obviously just felt very uncomfortable by it all. Help. Okay, what do you mean it wasn't sexual touching when he was touching your thighs? I think she means. Rubbing your thighs. I think she means like it wasn't a boob grab or genitalia

Starting point is 00:37:34 or sexual is what she's saying but it was enough to make her uncomfortable. I think that's what she's trying to say. Yeah, you can like slap people on the thigh. Yeah. Like if I was sitting next to one of you guys, if I wanted your attention or something, maybe that's what she means.

Starting point is 00:37:45 She does say rubbing the leg correctly. Like, is that rubbing a specific way? Is it like, you know, like a friend? I don't know. I imagine it like he's reached over and he's sort of doing like a comfort little thumb rub or like some, yeah, I imagine it's like that. Maybe he's testing orders. I imagine it's inappropriate.

Starting point is 00:38:04 I imagine it's inappropriate. Okay, at the end of the day, it's inappropriate enough that you feel uncomfortable and you know this guy better than ever. You said they've been together a long time. You're really close with your sister. This isn't someone new who you don't know. You know him and you feel uncomfortable. And also, you know that this behavior is different to how he behaves when your sister's there.

Starting point is 00:38:21 It doesn't throw me when you're at the concert, the buying a drink or the touching my back. I think that that could get away with just being family because like I'm trying to think of how I would act. I would always buy a drink for someone, any person in my family that I'm a thing with. If you're leaning in to talk to them, I would touch their back. I get that. But if you know it feels weird and different. There's also a difference between like buying someone a drink, putting your hand on their

Starting point is 00:38:43 back, you know, as they're walking through a crowd to make sure you don't lose them. verse like a romantic song comes on and they put their arm around you and they're like kind of me like there's or they're like you know rubbing down your back the small of your back there's different levels of this part of me is like when you said it kind of felt like a date from the start because he bought me a drink and then he touched my back and shoulder that I'm like maybe that was a little bit in your head maybe maybe that part because like we don't know the level that's what I mean like you don't know but maybe you don't know but you do know like if he has never been like that before and it felt a bit weird your spidey senses would tingle for a reason

Starting point is 00:39:19 yeah the question is what do you do though with those spidey senses you've got to be sure i think you've got to be sure yeah how to do anything with it might that's my issue okay like you might have your intuition as a woman might be raging that this felt fucking not normal not normal but you have to be certain that it wasn't normal you have to be certain that he was hitting on you before you go and say something to your sister because like that to me and maybe look maybe he was testing the waters maybe he was rubbing your leg to see what your reaction was going to be which is insane to do it to a sister like to do it to your wife's sister yeah I just imagine both of your husbands doing it to your sister and the sisters sorry and the looks on both of their faces

Starting point is 00:40:01 Like, I would pay to see it. Oh, my God. They would be like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm also confused. Every single woman has been in a situation where they felt uncomfortable by something but hasn't said anything. If my brother-in-law was rubbing my leg, I'd be like, dude, what are you doing, pal?

Starting point is 00:40:17 That's why I think she's not sure. She wasn't sure enough to say it but she was uncomfortable enough to be like, I don't know. Or do you think he progressed during the night with his touching and and being sort of like very touchy feely because there had been nothing to give him the body language or the verbal direction that it wasn't something that was consensual do you know because like sometimes these things it starts with this little touch and then like it turns into the and then it's not and it's like he's testing the waters to see what your response is

Starting point is 00:40:47 and you've not responded in any way and so he's like well is that affirmation that this is okay now like i don't know because i've never been in this situation and in no way am i victim blaming and saying like you should have said something I'm just I'm trying to mentally figure out like how this has gotten to the place where it's at where is it going to be impossible for us we'll play mental gymnastics because we don't have enough details the only thing I can say to you is you need I think you need to be sure because you know there's a few things that could happen you say to your sister hey I don't know what it was but I felt uncomfortable that in itself saying that her husband made you uncomfortable is definitely going to start something in some

Starting point is 00:41:31 capacity either between you and her or her and him and then him and you and at the end of the day you just have to be open to a trust in your gut and b there being repercussions because this isn't something that is just said lightly and i don't want to say that as in don't say anything just be sure of what you're saying that's all here it is this is what you're gonna do okay move away so i I think even if you did tell her even if you said hey I felt a bit uncomfortable he touched my thigh firstly he's gonna deny it black and blue he's not gonna deny maybe touching your thigh he's gonna be like oh my god what is she even talking like there's friends like what are you talking about this information is absolutely not going to end their marriage your sister is not going to

Starting point is 00:42:12 leave her husband because you say he bought you a drink touched your shoulder and then touched your thigh in the cab I'm not saying she won't believe you she probably will believe you but she's not going to leave her husband for that. I think don't ignore the situation. Don't ignore him. Don't ignore her. I think you continue on. Don't necessarily say anything at the moment, but fucking have your radar on. If this continues, if this type of any kind of thing that makes you feel uncomfortable is continuing, then I think you go, okay, I now need to say something. It could have been potentially a one-off that was interpreted, not in the way that he meant it. i want to give you the benefit of the doubt and say actually you interpret it exactly how he meant

Starting point is 00:42:53 it yeah but if he is making advances those advances will continue those little flirty quips those little things where he's testing the water and pushing the boundaries and if you notice that it's continuing then you have the conversation because you have more proof of it but i also would be having it with her i wouldn't be having it with him i would say hey i need to talk to you there's been a few things that x has done recently that's made me feel really uncomfortable and i feel like he's crossing a line in terms of friendship and I don't know what's going on but it's it's not what our relationship used to be yeah I would probably do the same laws I wouldn't blow it up now unless you know deep down maybe you're also maybe you do know deep down and just to us you know you're

Starting point is 00:43:33 putting the feelers out if you know deep down then I would say something but until then yeah I would just try and see if his behavior changes and if he does anything else inappropriate totally and if he does anything else inappropriate, you can also confront him about it too. Handy, handy. But also he's just going to say, he's just going to deny it. If you're not meeting his advances, he'll be like, what are you talking about? You're crazy. I would love to hear from anyone.

Starting point is 00:43:54 If anyone else has been in a situation like this, if anyone has had to deal with like a brother-in-law or the partner of their sister, try and crack on to them or do something that's totally, like, what did you do? How did you navigate this? Because I feel like some real life experience or like having some skin in the game for a question like this is super helpful. Please write in to Life Uncut on our Instagram because I'd love to know. Okay, last question.

Starting point is 00:44:19 I don't want my husband to tell his mum when I go into labour. Tricky, tricky. Am I being unreasonable that I don't want my husband to tell his mother when I'm going into labour? So for context, I don't like her. Okay. Well, I mean, probably reason enough. She's proven herself to be untrustworthy in many scenarios.

Starting point is 00:44:38 For example, she begged to see my wedding dress, then proceeded to show multiple people in her family before we got married this is amongst other things that just sounds like a super like i mean i don't know it sounds just like a super proud mother-in-law you know some of them are so excited and they just want to yeah but it also sounds like a mother-in-law that doesn't understand boundaries like for example you didn't want anyone to see your dress before your wedding imagine if you'd shown ben's mom and then ben's mom showed everyone on his side oh totally totally you'd be pissed she says she also lies so i found her to be dishonest and just a really annoying person. Okay. She just doesn't really like us. You really

Starting point is 00:45:13 don't like your mother-in-law. That sucks. She's a very annoying person. So I don't see why I need to disclose this information when she can just wait for us to tell her when the baby is here. She also messages my husband every day and I know it would just cause me anxiety if she's constantly asking for updates. My husband thinks I am being silly and he's quite hurt by it. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. I think that this is a very tricky one for multiple reasons. One, if you're going to tell your mum the second you go into labour, then I don't think it's fair for you to put restrictions on your husband

Starting point is 00:45:45 and tell your husband who he can tell, as in like when it comes to his family, his immediate family, his mum. Especially if he's close to her. And I know some people will disagree with this because obviously he's not in labour. He's not the one who's going through the emotional taxing toll of like literally birthing a child, right? he's just the support person. But I do think that it creates this real dynamic where your mom's more

Starting point is 00:46:10 important and your mom's more valued than his mom is valued. And so I would say, I don't think it's fair for him to say that you're being silly. I think you have your reasons as to why you don't trust his mom. But I also think that this will turn into quite a big thing if you're making him choose between you and his mom in certain situations. However, however, if this is a mandatory for you to have a peaceful calm birth that doesn't have any anxiety attached to it then I think that those are things that you need to communicate with him and have a really honest conversation about if you just don't want to tell her because you really hate her and it's out of spite and it's out of wanting to you know make her wait like everyone else then I think that that's

Starting point is 00:46:53 a different thing be really sure where these feelings are coming from before you have these conversations and create the dynamic that's all I want to say you don't have to tell her like it's at the end of the day like it's not a big deal if you say hey I'm in labor now or hopefully for you a couple hours later hey the baby's here but what I think you can do is try and keep everyone happy I don't think it's worth causing a problem between you and your husband you and the mother-in-law the husband and the mother-in-law like I just don't think it's worth that but I think what you can say is, do you know what? You can tell her, but from here on in, you need to tell her that I don't need to hear from her. I don't want messages being updated. If she messages you

Starting point is 00:47:33 for the updates, don't tell me because you've said that her constantly messaging him for updates gives you anxiety. Cool. Let's put the barrier there. You don't need to know that. Your husband doesn't need to pass on, oh my God, mom's messaged again. That's for him to deal with. But if you can just say, you know what? I'm stressed. I am carrying this baby. I'm stressed about labor i'm stressed about a lot of stuff i already have anxiety i need you to help me monitor this like i'm happy for you to tell her we're in labor but i don't want to be dealing with it and i don't want to be thinking about it when i'm in my birth i think there's ways around it i mean you wrote she also messages my husband every single day and i know it'll just

Starting point is 00:48:06 cause me anxiety if she's constantly asking for updates she's doing it anyway she's messaging every day anyway it's up to your husband to put some boundaries in place around what it is and is inappropriate and i would say to your husband look okay tell your mom that we're going into labor if that's something that's really important however my then stipulations are you put your phone on do not disturb i don't want your phone going off throughout our entire labor i also want you to communicate with mom that like she isn't to tell everyone and if she does tell everyone that's something that will be deeply disappointing to me it kind of feels like there's a gap between the stuff that you're communicating to him and the things that he's telling his mom like she's

Starting point is 00:48:48 obviously done wrong by you she's dishonest you've said that twice so like you have a problem with her like I don't want to take that away from you and say you know it's just up to your husband but like this is sounds to me like it can very well be managed a lot of it by your husband so I think the best way to manage it is to not put everyone aside just explain to him why it's an issue for you and why you're upset and you want it to be special between you guys and let him deal with it Yeah, I agree. I completely agree. But I do feel like if you don't have some pretty honest conversations about this, you're going to be put in a situation where you turn out to be like the bad person in this. Do you know what I mean? Like it's like, it's very easy for the narrative to

Starting point is 00:49:26 be twisted so that you're being the asshole, but you actually have very valid reasons as to why you feel the way you do. So I think like coming to a middle ground where there's stipulations around the type of birth that you want, the lack of contact that you want during your birth period. and I think that's totally reasonable. The last thing anyone wants is to be hearing their husband's phone going, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and having them distracted being on their phone because they're updating people mid-birth rather than being there and being an active participant in the birth.

Starting point is 00:49:57 That is like beyond reasonable and so I think like if that is your concern, that needs to be communicated and it needs to be something that is absolutely upheld because it's not his birth, it's your birth and that's the most important thing. alright guys well that's it from us if you have a question for us to answer

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Husband Cheated, Brought Home An STI & Wants Forgiveness

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