Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Husband Cheated With My Sister. They're Still Together 4 Years On

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany. I'm Laura, and this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. Last week, if you listened to Ask Uncut, I vibed Love on the Spectrum, which thank you to everyone who's said that they're watching it and they're in the trenches with me i've just finished the season this is not a sponsored plug for the show but i have forever been changed i will never be the same person love is real it's honestly the reality tv show antidote to what we have been subjected to the last few months it is the most wholesome thing but do you know what i want to tell you that i read yesterday no i don't want to know i don't want to know about

Starting point is 00:00:50 the breakup i know but no they're not in this season though really no i know but we don't care about that. They're still the most wholesome couple. Abby and David, who are a really famous couple from Love on the Spectrum, they have been together for five years and it was just announced yesterday that like, they're one of the most successful couples and I loved them, but it was just announced yesterday that they've parted ways. Can I say something though? If you do get to the end of this season of Love on the Spectrum, so it's the US one, they come on for the second last episode, right? And they're just on for like, maybe like a five minute little capsule. I'd watched that and then I found out that they'd split and I was not surprised watching them on

Starting point is 00:01:26 the screen this time you can tell something has shifted in their relationship and I had a little moment where I was like oh maybe five years things are not as romantic but then as it was playing out Matt was like oh did you hear what happened to them they broke up and I was like when you watch it with that lens of knowing it you can kind of be like oh okay I get it now it was a shock to the fans the real Abby David fans like the people that really know them Laura you tap in and out but the people that really know them they were like talking about marriage and stuff and she was saying she wanted a ring from him and it's a really big breakup because they were like love on the spectrum's golden couple well this is why i say you need to watch what happens in this season

Starting point is 00:01:59 they're replaced no because they are talking about marriage and it's very evident that they're not there anymore that's why i'm saying like it didn't come as a surprise if you've watched their moment on this season put it that way anyway it's glorious i'm not vibing that again but here we are what is your vibe my life no look i do have a vibe you guys might have heard of kira rumble she's an entrepreneur she owns many businesses one of them is hydra mama which is like an amazing drink that you can have during pregnancy it like has all your electrolytes and everything in it so she has a skincare brand called habitual beauty and one of the products that she has in there it's a sleep mask so think about like if you're someone who's too lazy to do like a normal

Starting point is 00:02:35 hydrating mask it's a really thick nighttime sleep mask that you put on it smells amazing it's this like lovely consistency kind of thicker than a moisturizer but not so thick that you feel like you're going to bed with something tacky on your face but it acts as a long-lasting mask so you put it on after you've done your moisturizer and everything else and it's like the last step in your routine and it is just glorious it's like you've walked into a day spa and like i said it smells incredible so it's habitual beauty and it is the nighttime skin mask it's called the hydrating sleep mask it's 80 but it's very good i do recommend you do look dewy thank you thank you dewy look i'm very hydrated it's also for anyone who is curious it's also pregnancy safe which is

Starting point is 00:03:20 one thing about her products that i think is like a really nice thing it's so hard when you're pregnant to find good skincare that you know doesn't have any things in it that you're trying to avoid well my vibe is one of those vibes where probably a lot of people are going to be like about time welcome to the party it's one of those things that you know has been trending for a long time but you took too long to get on board and now i'm obsessed and i don't know why i fought it for so long because it was always a trending show on Disney and I always used to see it pop up and I heard everyone talk about it sometimes when I hear people talk too much about something it makes me not want to watch it I don't know why it's like this reverse engineering my brain does it's like

Starting point is 00:03:57 no you go watch something obscure that no one's seen like fuck it's a number one for a reason so on Disney or Hulu it's called Tell Me Lies have you guys I know you haven't even heard of it So it is based on a book, a novel that went really well, also called Tell Me Lies. And it's about like these 18 to 20 year olds in a college in America, but it's based off like this textbook narcissist. He's the lead character. His name is Steven and it's a woman, well, a young girl, she's 18, 19 that he ends up in this relationship with.

Starting point is 00:04:29 Now there's three seasons of Tell Me Lies. So when I say it's been trending for a long time, like it's taking me far too long. finally clicked on it probably a week ago and i'm already halfway into season two i am obsessed with it i didn't watch euphoria but i imagine it's similar like these dynamics these drama dynamics between teenage school kids slash college age students but i think euphoria from what i understand is a bit darker and a bit more like drug fueled this is just these relationships between there's probably like five or six key characters at school it's the unraveling of this narcissist and his lies i mean it's called tell me lies but trying to put your finger on it i don't

Starting point is 00:05:07 know even how to categorize it it's not a thriller it's not a comedy it's not a drama but it's a bit of everything in a way but it is so good the funniest part is though it's one of those stories where all the actors are 29 and 30 years old but they're playing they're playing 18 year olds like when gossip girl came out and you were like yes nearly 30 like the two lead characters in real life are like 29 and 30 but i guess they were probably 26 or 27 when they started filming but they play 18 year olds anyway lots of sex like lots of lots and lots and lots of sex but I remember when I first saw them and I took their shirts off and stuff I was like these kids are not 18 like they've got full-blown beards and they're jacked and I'm absolutely loving it so if you want to get

Starting point is 00:05:46 into something if you're like me and you don't want to just watch one series and you know you want to knuckle down there's three seasons out and it is very good I'm sorry that this is such a tangent but I only found this out yesterday and I don't know if this is like knowledge that everybody knows and I was just left behind mean girls Rachel McAdams and Amy Poehler you know she's like I'm a cool mom you know I'm not like regular moms seven years age difference between the two of them and she played the mother between Rachel McAdams unsurprising to be honest unsurprising maybe it gives me hope I can still play a teenager can I maybe you play the mom what do you reckon I could play if you got offered a role where you were the mother of a teenager would you take it

Starting point is 00:06:26 Am I a MILF? Do you know what? This is what's going to happen, Brit. You've written this, like, you know, screen write. Screen write. Well, you've written, like. I know. I've got to play the grandma now.

Starting point is 00:06:34 It's taken so long. You're going to play the mum of you. That's what's going to happen. They're going to cast you. They're going to cast some 20-year-old to play you, and then they're going to cast you as their mum. I'll go get a facelift, and then I'll come back and play it. Just a mini, just a ponytail lift.

Starting point is 00:06:46 Yeah, just get a really tight ponytail. That's going to be so funny when I actually get a facelift one day, and I'll just say it's a ponytail. You can blame it like Anne Hathaway did. It's just my ponytail lift. Keish, what's yours? My vibe this week is it's going to seem very, very heavy, but it's one of those docu-series that you cannot,

Starting point is 00:07:02 once you start, you can't look away from, and you're like trying to push your bedtime back. And then when you wake up in the morning, you're like putting it on your phone as you're getting ready for work. That was me this morning. So it is trust. Is that why you were late? No, I actually missed the first bus.

Starting point is 00:07:15 Maybe because I was fucking around watching this. Trust Me, The False Prophet. it is on Netflix so it's a four-part mini-series the episodes are about 45 minutes to like 55 minutes and it is about a cult researcher her name is Christine Marie and her husband he's a videographer called Tolga Katas. Christine herself was the victim of a cult-like brainwashing I guess you would say and she ended up getting a doctorate in cults so she's like really well researched and she kind of understands them on a bit of a different level because of her personal experience. In like the psychology of how they happen and how people follow like one person as the structure head.

Starting point is 00:07:55 I think she has like a deeper sense of empathy, but almost to the point where I'm like, there are actually parallels with kind of the way that these things operate. My interpretation is that she thinks her purpose is to go in and help people who have been brainwashed by cults and get them out. And so the way that she does this in this particular situation is really, really fascinating. She does it alongside her husband. so I'm just going to read this because I think it kind of summarizes it in a way that I think would be better than what I would it says in a true crime documentary a cult expert and filmmaker infiltrate a polygamous sect to expose a self-proclaimed prophet and bring him to justice so this doco was kind of created by Christine and her husband they moved to this town called

Starting point is 00:08:35 Short Creek and it's one of the most I guess I would say intense fundamentalist church of Christ of later day saints so the Mormon religion that's where the Warren Jeffs who claimed that he was a prophet he's now in jail because it was quite famous yes there's a documentary about him a lot of polygamy and what they ended up getting him on uh is sex crimes with children because it was terrific yeah essentially there's kind of like a second part so I don't know if you guys have heard of this guy called Samuel Bateman but he ended up claiming that he was also a prophet and he had all of these wives and as it turns out it is not illegal to have a child as young as nine as your wife but what is illegal is to have sex with them and so the way that Christine was able to infiltrate

Starting point is 00:09:18 him as a friend because they wanted to get documentary footage that they would then later use as evidence that would help prosecute him so it was very fascinating and it was one of those things that I'd never seen the inside of that world I know there's been docos about these types of communities before but I'd never seen one before so I was quite shocked by you know what they were wearing and the way the beliefs of all of the women and how they think that their only way to get access to God is because you know this is the prophet is to marry him and be you know in obedience to him it was uh it was surprising to me well there's a really famous one that came out in 2022 which is the one that you're kind of referring to and it's called keep

Starting point is 00:09:57 sweet pray and obey that's on Netflix as well for anyone who's interested I think we vibed that at the time that might be my vibe next week that was really famous at the time it sounds like it kind of a similar vein. Yeah. I think that this would be like almost the part two to it, but it's trending at the moment. It's like the number one show on Netflix. So trust me, the false profit on Netflix, it is one of those like can't look away kind of vibes. Yeah. All right. Well, let's get into the questions. Question number one, my partner and I have been together for nearly four years. We've always had a healthy and positive sex life. Recently he expressed that he'd love me to wear sexy lingerie for him. We picked something out together and shared the expense

Starting point is 00:10:35 of it. And it started that I'd wear it for more special occasions. But recently he's been more insistent that I wear it every time we are intimate or that I surprise him with it when he gets home, which I have done a couple of times now. He often asks me to change into that particular lingerie set, even when we're just kissing. And he is disappointed when I don't want to wear it. It feels really performative to me. And I want it to be enough as I am for him without having to wear something sexy every single time we have sex i've told him now how i feel about this and he said it's just what turns him on he says he understands why i'm upset but it's caused a stalemate in our sex life and his insistence for the lingerie has given me the total ick

Starting point is 00:11:12 am i being unreasonable i'd like to add that i enjoy dressing up occasionally and the lingerie makes me feel sexy but i don't want it to be the condition as to whether we have sex or not it's a bit weird it's a bit much it's in there a little bit much camp for me i get that lingerie gets people's juices flowing but that's a sometimes treat not even just a sometimes treat let me tell you what's a mood killer when you start making out stopping down to then go and make somebody go and put the lingerie and come back and keep making out like she's like even when we're kissing he wants me to go put it on who can be bothered the weird thing for me is it's the same lingerie like the same outfit maybe they haven't invested in more so he's just happy for it to be any but

Starting point is 00:11:55 that's the only one she has that's like sexy lingerie but also i get that you're getting the ick who can be fucked and i get that it's a sometimes thing and maybe when you're surprising him when he comes home from work or whatever but like every single time you're sleeping together is too much i don't know if i'd get the ick but i'd be vetoing that like that no one's got the effort to do that well it's not it's not even about effort it's about feeling as though you're inadequate the way that you are that's what it is right like of course it's something that you want to do sometimes and that you know it's exciting and it adds a bit of difference and a bit of spice to the relationship and clearly he enjoys it but if he's making you feel like the only time he will

Starting point is 00:12:29 have sex with you is when you dress up it makes you feel as though you're not good enough when you're not dressed up and that you can't just have sex any other time so like his sex is now conditional I only want to have sex with you if you're dressed in lingerie because that's the only time I feel attracted to you and obviously that's going to impact your ability like your sense of self and it's going to impact like your confidence and you're feeling sexy because just because he finds you sexy shouldn't be like when you're wearing lingerie shouldn't be the only defining moment as to when you feel sexy do you know what I mean so it's like I don't know he's put so many rules around this now that now sex feels performative and it feels like a job yeah

Starting point is 00:13:04 I think it's the obligation yeah I think it's that it's gone from something that you wanted to do and you were happy to do to now you're like now you're saying I have to do it which takes all of the fun out nothing's going to dry you up more than feeling obligated to do anything in terms of sex but also it adds like a layer between the spontaneity of sex so if you're saying like you said Britt if you're just making out and you're having a moment that feels intimate and enjoyable going and then having to put lingerie on takes you out of that intimacy it takes you out of that feeling of connection and it becomes a performance it becomes the sex becomes visual I don't know what it is about the fantasy of lingerie that kind of takes him out of your

Starting point is 00:13:43 normal sex but what he's saying is that and the reason why it's upsetting to you is because normal sex is no longer good enough when you're not in lingerie it's not good enough i think i disagree with it a little bit i think for what you're saying there laws i don't think it's that she feels less than or he's making her feel less than if she doesn't wear it at the end of the day foreplay is important right this is his version he's like i get turned on in lingerie it's my thing does he like her wearing it yes i don't think it's that i would feel less than i think for me, it's like, babe, I get this is what turns you on. I'm not going to fucking get up and put lingerie on every time we make out. I'm not going to be waiting for you every time you get home in

Starting point is 00:14:20 lingerie. Like sometimes we're just going to have the sex. And I understand that it feels performative now and it feels performative for her because she doesn't want to be doing it. That's why it's performative. It is performative for her. I think that the psychology to that does play into it around the fact that she feels less than she's literally written. He is disappointed when I don't wear it it feels performative to me and I want to be enough as I am for him without wearing something sexy every time she doesn't feel enough because he's making her do something so therefore like her feelings of desire and what makes her feel sexy is now it has the caveat of like well you're only sexy when you're dressed in this so it's making her feel like that insecurity I mean

Starting point is 00:14:58 I don't know I'm not in a relationship I would imagine he's not saying I'm not gonna have sex with you without it I imagine he's saying this is what fucking turns me on like I get really this is what gets me going I love having sex with you like this I would love to know if he's saying I'm not going to have sex with you unless you put it on like I would love to know if there's more to it in that capacity but I do think regardless it is strange like it is unusual in a relationship for every single time you're intimate to stop down and say go and go and get dressed into this specific outfit like I don't even know if she's asking if it's normal but I'm telling you it's not normal yeah I think that often we have these conversations I know this could be me giving

Starting point is 00:15:35 a little bit too much allowance to playing devil's advocate but we've had these conversations around like my partner sometimes needs to take a shower before I feel like I want to be intimate with them and I'm trying to think if this is the same I'm kind of trying to go if he's expressed that he's got this desire and you know this really gets him going and is it okay that he requests it every time like what do we think is okay to request every time in terms of like either something visual or something that activates your senses you know like like smell or do you get my point well I'm kind of wondering where the line is I think with lingerie it kind of sits a little bit in the fantasy world like you know a touch obviously not in anywhere near like the version

Starting point is 00:16:13 of a kink or anything else that a lot of people have it's a very accessible fantasy to want to see some we don't know the extent of what the lingerie is but it's like you know they've gone and they've bought quite sexy lingerie together the problem is now is that they've obviously had sex in another way for so long and now that he's experienced what it was that he wanted she's literally said we have a stalemate in our sex life as his insistence for lingerie has given me the ick I would say that every time they're having sex he's like can you go put that on I'm not convinced there's anything wrong with him asking for you to put lingerie but I'm convinced there's something wrong with him having a problem that you have a problem with it so when you say

Starting point is 00:16:51 hey I don't want to do it let's have sex without it I don't want to do it all the time the problem lies in his reaction to that is he saying to you well I don't want to have sex without it or is he listening and trying to understand and say okay cool I get it because you've said he tells me he understands but he's still insistent that I wear it the problem is if he's literally saying go and put on we're not having sex then yeah that's a huge fucking red flag like and to the point that you've got the ick the ick is very hard to come back from in a relationship and it's going to get to the point where you don't want to sleep with him at all the ick won't be around just the lingerie the equal be like, cool. He's making me feel like I have to do something I don't want to do.

Starting point is 00:17:27 Yeah. I mean, look, I understand the idea and the concept of, of the fact that everyone likes different things in foreplay. And I understand that there's different things that you need to experience in order to get yourself in the mood. But I would say that this is very, very specific in terms of like, he's not asking her to do a sexual act. He's not saying like, this is what feels good for me and allows me to get, he's saying in order for me to have sex with you, you have to dress up as someone else and I think that's where it's upsetting her because she feels like the way she's presenting in the relationship is not enough she said I enjoy dressing up occasionally the lingerie makes me feel sexy but I don't want it to be the condition as to whether

Starting point is 00:18:04 we have sex or not so it sounds to me the reason why she's writing this in is because it has become the condition and that's why it's so upsetting to her that's the problem right the problem isn't about the lingerie whether it's occasional or not it's that it's no longer occasional and so yes he can have the way in which he likes to have sex but if this is causing you upset he also needs to understand that like that's not the way in which you like to have sex every single time so there has to be some compromise in here there has to be and i think like i mean think of it from another perspective like if i was like to matt before we have sex every single time i want you to go and put on budgie smugglers and walk around 10 times you'd be a sicko he'd love it they'd come

Starting point is 00:18:42 a point he would do it every time but like we would be a bit like oh that's weird like oh that's an unusual request this is an unusual request and it's okay that he requests it but he cannot expect it every single time you have sex I've got a solution put on the lingerie and starfish and then he'll stop thinking it's sexy just be really that is a lingerie and then he won't want you to be a lingerie anymore that's a terrible solution it depends it depends on where this has come from as well because it obviously is something that's like feels very different and very foreign to you I wonder if like has he been watching more porn it seems like to me that there is something that's shifted in the way he wants to have sex because like it is odd to go from

Starting point is 00:19:24 having it one way to being like this is the only way I can get off now and I'm not having sex with you unless you do this yeah maybe the sex got sexier because like she was saying like I felt really sexy and blah blah blah maybe maybe like the sex actually felt kind of hotter for him and maybe now he's like gone down a bit of the path of associating it's like Pavlov's dog he now associates hot sex with you and lingerie i think it just feels new think of how many times we would give advice if you reverse this think of how many people are saying hey i've been in my relationship for four years sex is great feels a bit repetitive your advice would be hey try something new get some sexy lingerie like that's the advice so i just wonder maybe ask him yeah ask him where it

Starting point is 00:20:04 came from but i mean four years and it's a pretty new thing i have one question for you which kind of like reverses this a little bit imagine if this was a woman who was in a relationship with a man and she was like every single time you know both people are still making it to climax but every single time she wanted to incorporate a vibrator every time they had sex and a guy was like do you know what sometimes i want to have sex with you and not incorporate a vibrator would we feel the same would we feel uncomfortable by it how would we respond to that i think that's very different i think a sex toy is different to just lingerie do you absolutely necessarily i don't think it is if they're both still climaxing having sex i think that's the difference some

Starting point is 00:20:41 women can't climax without it so that because because it becomes a physical thing of like a lot of women without additional stimulation particularly of the clitoris aren't able to orgasm so that does feel like it's a little i understand the question you're asking that's kind of what i meant by like where is the line of like where a request for your own sexual pleasure becomes problematic and the other person yeah yeah because I fully see the train of thought and I had thought about it and I was like but oh the vibrator does make a difference to some women it serves a purpose they absolutely don't okay question number two five years ago I eloped with my boyfriend five months after getting married we separated due to many different issues

Starting point is 00:21:24 a couple of months later I found out he was cheating on me with my sister like during the marriage so like as in she found yeah cheating but they were already broken up or she found out whilst they were still like as in like cheating implies they were together he was cheating with her sister fuck off like fuck right off wow my sister is younger and has been my best friend since she was born oh our relationship fell apart but we continue to talk on a family basis just to keep the peace half of our family doesn't even know as she keeps him and the family life very separate. They are still together now four years later, which is wild. How have you kept that separate from your family for four years? Like what kind of a life is that? It has been a really

Starting point is 00:22:10 exhausting and difficult time for me, having a massive impact on my mental health. I was hoping eventually that this little game of sneaking around would become boring and that they would move on. However, that is not the case and they have now bought a house together. How on earth are they managing to keep it a secret is what I want to know. You bought a house for four years. how does the family not know that wow and why wouldn't you tell the family there's more this whole thing has completely broken me and I don't know what to do I guess my question is should I continue keeping the peace with the family and talking to her as she still keeps things separate I don't want to lose my family over this do I call a family meeting and try again on telling

Starting point is 00:22:48 her how I feel even though I have tried many times she just doesn't care do I completely cut ties with her and distance myself which might be difficult at family events i am just so angry so hurt and i don't want to have to keep dealing with this anymore i need to move on somehow but i'm just not sure how i'm not sure if you will even read this or want to answer it on the podcast but thank you for taking this into consideration and for all the work you do i can't imagine yeah but i also understand why you haven't been able to move on because there's been no closure and i know that like often in life, we don't get given closure. We don't get given like an experience packaged up with a bow, but you're not even allowed to give yourself closure because you

Starting point is 00:23:30 don't even have any validation for it. Like this happened, you've been through something that's like truly breakups are traumatic enough. You went through a breakup with the person that you love to find that the person that you love being your sister completely betrayed you. Two people who were the most important people in your life betrayed you. And now they don't have to face any of the consequences. They don't have to face up to the music at all because you're keeping their peace. You're allowing this situation to, I guess, in order to kind of like maintain face with the family and to keep things as peaceful as possible. You're the one that's harboring and holding onto all of the hurt that's happened to you. I personally, if I was you, I'm not saying

Starting point is 00:24:12 that you should go and blow up your entire fucking life, but I understand why you haven't been able to move on from this. And I think it's really important that you put some lines in the sand around how you will allow people to treat you. And it sounds like you haven't done that at all with your sister. Do you know the thing is here, I don't believe there is a lot that could happen for you to get closure. I don't think whatever resolution happens, whether you continue on as you are, whether you tell your family, whether they break up, whether they sell the house and never speak again it will never remove the ultimate betrayal of two people that loved you your husband and your sister who you said were best friends since you were born I hope you get

Starting point is 00:24:52 to a place truly where you can completely live without anger and hate and resentment but I don't ever think you fully get over that betrayal from two people but I do think god if I were you now that you know they're locked in this is for life they've been together for four years and they're buying a house together it's not your burden to carry and it's not your secret to keep anymore like it's your story as much as it's her story you both lived it I would be telling my family I would be saying hey I've sat on this for a really long time but moving forward it's really hard for me to be at family events because my sister stole my husband it's not your responsibility to keep that because this is obviously a weight on your shoulder it is a horrific betrayal you're

Starting point is 00:25:37 not saying it because you don't want to turn anyone against each other i don't believe that i don't think you want everyone to turn against her and pick you but you shouldn't have to worry about future events keeping her secret lying to the rest of your family to protect her like god only knows why you're protecting her anyway i just i really fucking feel for you but also like for as long as you're protecting their secret and you're keeping the peace for them all you're doing is you're tormenting yourself because every time they have a relationship milestone every time they buy a house or they get engaged or something big happens you can't be happy for them because you've been robbed of something that was your life and your relationship and you're still keeping

Starting point is 00:26:14 face and the reason why you feel so hurt and so fucking horrific by it still years down the track is because you're living a lie essentially keeping their secret a secret I agree with you I would be having look I mean calling a family meeting however you want to do it but I would be having a very honest conversation with my sister, with our family saying, I need some space and I need some time to prioritize my mental health and my healing because this is what happened and this is the reality of the situation. And for as long as I'm continuously being exposed to it, I'm not able to heal and get over this and move on with my life. And the last thing that you want to do is not be able to get over this and have it impact your ability to date, your ability

Starting point is 00:26:58 to trust and find a partner your ability to move on with your life because imagine in 10 years time you have spent the last decade dedicated to the hurt that's been created in this and your life has been on pause because of that like that's going to be an even greater tragedy you've already put so much time and energy and your I guess your mental health into this you need to draw a line in the sand and start repairing maybe that's therapy but it definitely is putting boundaries in place She sounds horrible. Your sister, I'm sorry, your sister is a mole. Not only did she, no, and I say that because you hear those stories like this, right?

Starting point is 00:27:34 Not necessarily the cheating, but like somebody ending up with another family member or a sister, a brother, a cousin or in-law, whatever. You hear that. But often the aftermath of that is, look, they're really apologetic, but they just say that they're soulmates and whatever else. This sister, she has said, do I keep trying to tell her how I feel? I've tried many times. She doesn't care.

Starting point is 00:27:56 If you have stolen your sister's husband and you still don't fucking care and you have nothing to say, you're a narcissist and you're a horrible person. Like you don't get to say, hey, took your husband. I don't care about your feelings. And she obviously knows how bad it is because she hasn't told the rest of the family for four years. Totally.

Starting point is 00:28:13 Of course she does. So she's obviously aware of how fucked that situation is and how much she's the bad guy. Of course. I also want to be careful with this because like I don't. No, she's a mole. I know. I agree she's a mole but I don't think that anyone can steal someone's husband like there's

Starting point is 00:28:26 two people in that committed relationship that made a decision the both of them are as bad as each other yeah great I know but good riddance to them the thing is is like by protecting her and your sister and the relationship that you have both had you're protecting both of them and you're right Keish the only reason why she's lying and keeping it a secret is because she knows that it is fucking shameful so she may not be sorry to you but she is ashamed hence why she's not sharing it. Who cares? I just think you, you have to put some self-preservation in place here and stop worrying about how it might impact other people and think about how it's impacting you and has impacted you for years. But if that was me, and of course it takes two to tango, he cheated

Starting point is 00:29:05 on you as well. If that was me, I have been best friends with my little sister, Sherry, since we were born as well. Like we have shared a room our whole life. She said she's been best friends their whole life. I can tell you right now, if that happened to me and she had taken my husband, my hurt and betrayal tenfold is on my sister rather than my husband. Of course, the hurt and betrayal is there, but there is something that hits home differently, right? Maybe you knew your husband for a few years. It doesn't take away from that at all. That is truly horrific. But the betrayal from your sibling who you have gone through life with, no one on this earth knows you not only your best friend but your sibling yeah that cuts so deeply for me personally like it's

Starting point is 00:29:49 almost more like you can replace a husband there's someone else that you will find that is happy and it might be different but there's something that you cannot replace from that family relationship can i also say like no normal family and i don't know what your family like and no family is normal right they're all fucked other than your sister who's the mole molly molly molly molly they all their own versions of being like messed up for different reasons right but there is no family who would blame you for the disruption that this is going to cause because you decided to tell everyone the truth no one's going to be like sarah can you just get over it to keep the peace like we're all having a great time like and if they do that then you need to put separation with them as

Starting point is 00:30:30 well because like a normal healthy functioning family would see this as being incredibly toxic behavior and be like I cannot believe that you have gone through this and we are here to support you they're not going to cut your sister out they're not going to kind of remove her from the family but they will understand why you need space and why family catch-ups can't be harmonious you didn't do anything wrong your sister fucked your husband I'm not convinced I get normal vibes from family because not even knowing that your daughter or other sibling has been with someone for four years bought a house and then moved in the math ain't mathin I wonder what she told them as to why her marriage broke down. There wouldn't be a second of the day that I would be keeping my lips

Starting point is 00:31:08 shut about that. No, it sounds like from the way in which this question is structured. And I think that that's why it sounded a little bit confusing at the start is that the relationship broke down and months later she realized that actually her sister was having an affair with her husband. I don't think that she found that out to start with. I think that this is information that came out further down the track. I read it differently. I read it that like he was properly cheating on her yes she I don't think that's why it broke down I think she found out later but I think it was while they were married no I agree but I don't think she found out until months after the relationship had broken down I don't think that that she they broke up and the reason was oh I

Starting point is 00:31:42 just found out my sister's sleeping with my husband I think they broke up and then months later she was like oh my god my sister's with my ex-husband and they've been together for x amount of time yeah because she says five months after getting married we separated due to many issues and then a couple of months later I found out he was cheating with my sister yeah so yeah but he was definitely with her at the time she just didn't find out till after that doesn't I mean doesn't change the fact just means they were even more secretive and also when you say we broke up due to many issues that was the issue yeah like that was it it negates all the other issues the one thing and I know I've said it but I really I really want to drive it home he wouldn't put

Starting point is 00:32:17 the dishes away and he was fucking my sister and the issue has the same last name as you I really want to drive this home because I think it's something that can happen like you've been through a really traumatic thing, right? Like this breakup and this separation, the betrayal of this is super traumatic. By you not dealing with this and you trying to be the peacekeeper years down the track, you are unable to heal from this. And all you are doing is putting your life on hold. And all that is going to happen is that you are begrudging yourself of the type of life that you deserve. And the last thing I would want for you is for you to be suffering in your pain for so long that you miss the window to have the type of relationship that you want you know

Starting point is 00:32:55 to be able to potentially if you want kids to miss the window of having kids because you spent so long suffering about a relationship that you can't control that would be a far greater tragedy than what it is you're experiencing now so I think you have to put boundaries in place you have to rebuild your life and you have to decide you know what I cannot control my sister I cannot control him I have no control over their actions I think it's despicable and disgusting and I'm actually going to really minimize the exposure I have to them because it's not good for me and they chose that you didn't choose that stop protecting them blast them on socials put them on stories tag them yeah tag we want to know give us the aftermath tag them we will dox them no but this is a proper

Starting point is 00:33:33 aftermath like yeah give us a couple of months let us know what happens but yeah I'd be going hell for letter on that girl and I'm actually we haven't even said it yet I'm super sorry that happened to you. Yeah. All right. Question number three. I'd love your advice because I feel like I'm in a bit of a relationship gray area. I've been with my boyfriend for four years. He is truly my person and has made me incredibly happy. We've lived together for three of those years, but recently moved apart so he can save money while studying and living with his grandma. I'm planning on moving away from the city also for a while, and he will also be going overseas next year. We have talked about possibly separating in a few months and coming back

Starting point is 00:34:10 together in the future after growing individually, as we truly see our future together. For context, we are both in our late 20s. Now, recently over the weekend, he told me that he was studying, but he actually went out with a mutual friend and didn't invite me. Now, I felt a bit hurt by this, especially because it's my birthday that had just passed, but I didn't think too deeply into it at the time. Now, a couple of days later, he told me he kissed one of the other girls that night, a mutual new friend. He said it was just a small kiss and that he regretted it straight away. but also mentioned that he thinks sleeping with other people just could be fun. Now I feel really, really confused and hurt as we have always been truthful with each other.

Starting point is 00:34:50 I'm trying to figure out if this is just something that we can work through or if it's a sign that we are no longer on the same page and it's taking time apart and maybe finding our way back to each other. Do you think that this is actually realistic or just delaying the inevitable? Any help appreciated? He didn't regret it. He said he kissed her and regretted it, but then mentioned, hey, while we're here, I'm talking about it and sleeping with other people could be fun. Do you know, when you started this question, can you go apart for a little while, have a break, live your life and come back together? Yes, you can. I truly believe that. Like, I think that that is a very normal thing. I know a lot of people that have done that.

Starting point is 00:35:26 Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't. But like when you're in a long-term relationship, especially if it's in pretty formative years and two of you want to do something different in life, maybe one of you wants to go overseas and study or travel and you know the other person doesn't sometimes it is okay to have that break from each other to really figure out what you want sometimes in that time you figure out you don't want to go back and sometimes you're like wow the grass isn't always greener I miss that person and you go back and you're better than ever the problem lies here with him telling you porky pies like you've got to the point where he's cheated on you right like let's call a spade a spade he went out lied to you about it said he

Starting point is 00:36:02 were studying so it was intentional didn't invite you didn't invite you and then made out with somebody and then that has opened the floodgates of saying he wants to possibly sleep with other people so that conversation is okay it's okay to go to your partner and be like hey do you want to open the relationship and then they either say yes no maybe what's not okay is the lying and the cheating to get there and it's I mean you might be okay with it you're like hey should we is this okay do we keep trying to figure it out are we not on the same page if you're not okay with it you're not okay with it. Like, he cheated on you. Yeah, I agree. And I think it's a really precarious place to be in a relationship where you are contemplating breaking up, but coming

Starting point is 00:36:41 back together in the future. And I personally, yes, of course there are relationships where people separate and they have time apart and then they come back together in a new version of what that relationship is. And it works for all the reasons it didn't work prior. Timing is everything. I personally think it's very, very unhealthy to uncouple from a relationship with the mental sort of footnote, we're getting back together in the future, because all that does is it stops you from actually being able to progress or to move on or to live a life that actually aligns with what you want. You also might be on different pages.

Starting point is 00:37:17 You might be thinking, oh, we're coming back together in two years time. And he might be living a very different experience. So I would say it's okay to think these things. it's okay to contemplate do you think maybe we might be together again in the future it's not okay to live your life by that possibility and I think at the moment where you guys are at is that you obviously have really strong feelings for each other you've obviously loved each other but you've come to a realization that you are going to uncouple and he's doing it simultaneously whilst in the relationship you've said you're going to have some time apart you're going to

Starting point is 00:37:50 go and do your own thing he's taken that as a bit of a green light to live his life now and when he says oh it might be fun to have sex with other people he kind of wants his cake and he wants to eat it too he still wants the security of the relationship while you're there and while you're still in the same place but he's already testing the waters as to whether or not he can you know see and start seeing other people like he's not invested in the relationship anymore is what I'm saying so I would say protect your heart be careful and be really honest with yourself as to whether this is something that you can and would be okay with because I think that this is the absolute murky area

Starting point is 00:38:28 where you're going to get really fucking hurt, really hurt. I would say you almost know what's up. Like the last sentence is taking time apart and maybe finding our way back actually realistic or delaying the inevitable. Both. I think, bit A, bit B, I think where you're going wrong is taking time apart to find your way back to each other. You don't take time apart to find your way back, but I think you take time apart to figure out what you want. And that is a very

Starting point is 00:38:56 small difference, but it means a lot because then you can go and live your life honestly to figure it out without this underlying pressure of like, we're only doing this to work our way back to each other. And I've told this story a couple of times over the last six, seven years on the podcast, but I'll quickly recap it for all that new listeners. I have a friend, like a good friend that was in a relationship in her early 20s and they were together from like teenagers so it was really long-term relationship broke up wasn't it wanted to go their other ways and they did they moved cities they lived their lives they were not in contact for years and their breakup wasn't to find their way back their breakup was to move on with their life they ran into each other

Starting point is 00:39:36 long story short years down the track in a supermarket she had a baby with someone else they caught up they're like oh my god how have you been like whatever but she was single right but she she did have a baby they are now married with another baby they've been married for years they were the right people at the wrong time and they for their story they needed to have that time apart and find themselves individually to make their way back but the difference is the intention was to never make their way back it's just what they needed as a couple but for you I hate giving actual advice where it's like I think you should leave or stay right but like you should leave I think the writing is there and I think you probably know it like you guys do say you need

Starting point is 00:40:12 to go and figure out who you are and live a bit of a different life. It sounds like it's already going that way. I do think if you stay together, you're likely to get more hurt and more confused just by his actions already. He cheated on you. He lied to you. He's brought up that he wants to be with other people. The writing's on the wall, I think. So I would separate with the idea and be open to the fact that you might get back together, but you need to get open to the fact that you might never see that man again and you might be okay and you might live an even better life without him. I see. I kind of worry with what you just said at the end then Britt, because I think if you leave it with the idea that you might get back together, you can't help but hold hope and

Starting point is 00:40:48 holding hope affects the way in which you behave in a relationship. And I say this from my stake in this is you guys know I had a six year relationship. I was convinced he was the man I was going to marry. Like I was convinced. I was so convinced that if you had told me back then that actually I ended up with someone else with children with them, I would have thought you were fucking insane we broke up he was going through depression at the time and so like there was very much this sense of like I'm gonna go and work on myself hopefully in the future our paths will reconnect and I held so much hope it affected every relationship I had because every single person I compared back to him I had another like long-term relationship in between and I was like

Starting point is 00:41:25 desperately thinking that it was like a temporary thing really because I was going to find my way back to this guy lo and behold we did find our way back to each other we had a relationship again that was about a year and a half or maybe like actually maybe less than that maybe a year and it was no good it didn't meet up to any of the romanticized versions of what i thought our relationship would be it was still like pushing a fucking boulder up a hill but i i had for years like i mean this this guy permeated a decade of my fucking brain right like he took 10 years of my life and i was convinced we're gonna make it work finally when i was able to release that relationship because I realized it just it still wasn't what I needed or wanted that's when I was able to find

Starting point is 00:42:08 someone and it was like bizarre to me that I met Matt and then within six months of meeting him we were talking about having kids we're talking about getting married because it shouldn't have been that hard in the first place so I'm not saying that that is always the case and it's always going to be my experience but I wish I'd been able to relinquish the mental control I had which was that we were going to end up together because we truly were never going to yeah and that's why I say the way that I see this going out right if I was your friend and I was sitting down with you this is what I would tell you I would say go and live whatever life you want right now like if you are unhappy with him cheating on you and you both discuss the idea

Starting point is 00:42:43 of going and being your best self and finding out who you are go and do that keep your brain open that you might live a far better life without them like don't go out with the expectation of coming back you're not a homing pigeon yeah you're a peacock you gotta fly spread your wings and if you guys find your way back to each other and you're better than ever fucking amazing but if you don't that's okay as well yeah also aftermath us we also want to know this one okay last question very serious one but i think it's very relatable ladies this is a bit of a light-hearted one but i'm interested to see what you think is the right way to handle this we went out for dinner with my two kids i was solo parenting for the night now my kids are six and four the kids ate free so i

Starting point is 00:43:27 wasn't going to pass that up plus there were six dollar wines this is actually irrelevant to the information but she just wanted to tell us sounds like you had a great time at the rsl and she also put wine emojis in the question so six dollar wines kids eat for free of course she was going out now one kid had to go to the toilet so that meant she had to take both of them because you're not going to leave a little tiny I know what's happened here yeah so she had to take both to the toilet now I left all of our stuff on the table to indicate that we were still there I covered my drink with a coaster I covered the kids foods and their backpacks and hoping things would give the impression to a waitress that hey we're coming back like i mean their stuff is still

Starting point is 00:44:01 there so like they're having up and left don't you just put your cutlery like this on the plates you put like one cutlery here one cutlery there so it indicates we're still eating yes not like that on the i mean that is the it's like started obviously at etiquette school it's like the rule of like hey i've finished your cutlery is closed i am still eating your cutlery is open but regardless like they're fucking backpacks are there and they've covered with coasters they're half eaten food and drink okay continue now we came back from the toilet and realized that they had taken all the kids food. The lady was there so I just said to her oh hey we weren't actually done with those. She responded with well you left your table unattended and I gently said yeah but

Starting point is 00:44:37 all our things were still here. She insisted well there wasn't much food left anyway. There definitely was a decent amount of food that is the reason that we left a plate because I knew the kids would come back and continue eating. Now we ended up getting an extra bowl of chips so all was okay in the end but she was rather rude about it all. Now I have worked in hospitality previously for a very long time i'm talking pubs bars restaurants etc and usually in those instances we would just leave the food and drinks until we definitely knew that they had gone or we had checked with the customer so my question is what do you think was it free range because we left the table should the service have just left it i think it's an 18 year old who's not getting paid enough to

Starting point is 00:45:17 give a fuck you paid six bucks for your wine and you got a free kids meal she doesn't care like this is this is a waitress who does not care at all i think the principle it doesn't matter if it was a six dollar wine right like you're still a consumer that has had i mean i don't know this is a funny question that i think it does matter i think the reason why it matters is because obviously if you're paying 30 for a meal at a nice restaurant and your meal gets taken away like your right to a greater level of service is greater if you've gone to a pub meal the meal is free and it's obviously chaotic. It's not the same sort of vibe that waitress made a mistake. I don't think that you can hold them to the same level of account. And I don't think you can expect

Starting point is 00:45:57 the same level of service. I mean, they still took your food. Doesn't matter if it was a hundred dollars or five dollars. The food was still free though. The kids, they didn't pay for it. That's why they went. They still went to get their meal. I don't know. I agree. You're going to get different service for sure. If you're buying a hundred dollar meal or a free meal or a six dollar meal, like the service is going to be different. You're at a pub, six dollar wine, free food. Of course it's going to be different but i don't think it takes away the fact that the etiquette is you don't take someone's food totally if they're not finished the waitress obviously made a mistake but i think you can't be surprised by the level of service depending on the venue that

Starting point is 00:46:29 you're in do you know i mean and and i also think it doesn't hurt like if you know you got to take and i say this is a mom who has to take two kids to the toilet and leave an empty table i just go and let them know i just say hey we're not finished with this so that way you're not assuming anything either especially in like a busy rsl club where like everyone's running around tables fucking kids are everywhere like all they're trying to do is clear half drunk glasses are left everywhere all the time half empty plates are left everywhere all the time it's just as much your responsibility to give a heads up as what it is theirs to check as well would you have asked for another meal not if it was free no but i would also if it's free just wait like why just get another meal

Starting point is 00:47:04 like it was free well it's probably only free once it's probably not like a buff like an oiki you gotta have 20 of those free meals i don't think i don't know if i say that but would you for free on quiche no i'm so sorry i'm i'm 100 but you love a freebie i know and i'm the tight ass here yeah i'm on the waitress i'm on the waitress or waiters side no i think glassies they got a lot to do and if they aren't clearing tables quick enough so that more people can come in they get in trouble the amount of times that when i was waitressing people left so much of something left on a plate that at times i would eat it out the way it was probably like fuck yeah and now I don't have to buy dinner.

Starting point is 00:47:41 Dude, I used to eat the rest of these chicken nuggets. Wait, it's like there was nothing left. I used to work at a gourmet pizza run. People, big families would come in and order so many pizzas. And this isn't pizza, it's gourmet. Like this was really good food. Did I eat a couple of slices here and there? Sure.

Starting point is 00:47:56 If I took it out the back, I'd have a little nipple. I'm a bin chicken. I'm not ashamed to admit it. That's why it surprises me. This is one of the things where in the modern day, we have lost community connection because what you needed to do was tell the people next to you, on any table next to you, hey, if the waiter or waitress comes over and wants to collect this,

Starting point is 00:48:15 we're not done, we're just ducking to the bathroom. Totally. You need your community in that moment. So whether those people didn't make you feel comfortable enough to ask them, that's for them to sort out. I think the last thing I want to say about this is that the reason why the waitress's reaction probably wasn't what you expected, like they weren't overly apologetic or anything.

Starting point is 00:48:32 It's because she's getting paid 15 bucks an hour. Yeah, it's because firstly she's not getting paid enough to care and secondly the meal was free. So in her mind, she's like, get over it, you know, and I get that, but I understand why you're annoyed. Probably not. Guys, I've never more strongly disagree with you guys. This is the problem.

Starting point is 00:48:49 And we've spoken about this on the podcast before. We've spoken with the problem. You brought it up. No, you brought it up, Keisha, on the podcast. You were like youth these days and no one wants to be at work and they're so rude. And this is the problem, right? The way that you were treated at a venue shouldn't matter on how much you're spending. You are still there and you're a consumer.

Starting point is 00:49:07 It doesn't matter. As someone who waitressed for fucking 10 years, I would never go and clear someone's plate no matter where I was. If there was food there, they left all their bags there, all their kids' stuff. The plates were open. It was very obvious that they were coming back. I would never, ever in a million years take their food away. I think that's the problem, though.

Starting point is 00:49:24 It's not obvious that they're coming back. It was. That's the point. And they probably get in trouble if they don't clear the tables quickly enough. I think that this is openly subjective. Firstly, to all of our young listeners, I hate the trope of like, they're youth these days. I actually think that that no, I think it's regardless of your generation, you've, we've

Starting point is 00:49:41 always had people who work hard and people who don't work hard. I think that that's just like such a blanket statement, but I think in this instance, it comes down to the nature of the venue. If it's a pub or RSL or somewhere that's like high foot traffic, quick turnover of tables, lots of people around, even if you think you've made it look like you're coming back to your meal, it may not have been obvious to that waiter. And so expecting this great level of apology or compensation for a meal that's free you're simply not going to get it if it was a fancy restaurant you paid a lot of money they'd taken away your fucking steak mignon then i understand why you're annoyed but i think that the level of upset does not equate you got

Starting point is 00:50:18 free chips that's what you deserve for i'd be asking for another plate of nuggets no i'm on your side there you go laura's like get a grip and i'm like you should have got more nuggets this is divisive put on socials what do you guys think nothing worse than when you've got a few mouthfuls left of a burger and it's gone. They take it from your hand? Yeah, I'm the slow eater and they always come and try and take it off me. And I'm like, peace off, I'm still going.

Starting point is 00:50:40 Do you know what's interesting? This happened to me the other night, a little segue here, but like I was at a restaurant and we were all still at the table eating. Like there was still food in the bowls, like salad bowls and things like that. And someone came up and said, oh, are you done? I thought, what part of this looks like I'm done?

Starting point is 00:50:55 I'm literally eating and there's food in the share plate. And I was like, no, we're still eating. That sounds like a waitress who wants to pack up for the night. She fucking wanted to get out of there. It's 9 p.m. All of the other tables have left and they just want you to leave. I don't make bookings after 6.30. It was very early.

Starting point is 00:51:09 Probably the 7.30 bookings were coming in though. We're trying to get you out. Guys, we are out of here. Please keep your ask uncuts coming in to the DMs. Just put ask uncut. You're accidentally unfiltered. You're confessionals. Anything you want us to know, slide into the DMs.

Starting point is 00:51:21 We check them. You'll always be anonymous. YouTube, go and hit subscribe. Everything's up there. And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Husband Cheated With My Sister. They're Still Together 4 Years On

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