Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Partner Does Drugs on Special Occasions

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm producer Keisha. And Laura, look, you don't sound fabulous. to see if I'm... Shut up. Don't draw more attention to her. How's Bali? Guys, Bali is great, except I am a little bit sick and I am a little bit hungover because mum's gone wild. No, we didn't go wild. We just, my sister and I, on our very first night here, it was like the night after we did our

Starting point is 00:00:48 recording Tuesday. We went out for dinner and then dinner turned into lachi martinis and then I convinced her to go to a nightclub and i don't know what happened actually it's a lie i do know what happened i just woke up the next day and i was like this is not a productive use of my time so i have the deep regrets the deep deep regrets right now the lychee martinis get you when they're so sweet and so nice cocktails can fuck you because you're just like oh fruit juice and then it's actually not fruit juice and then you're slut dropping at la favela one in the morning on of Monday. How very schoolies of you. It wasn't even that. I don't know. I think because I said this on Tuesday, but like my sister and I, we never, ever, ever get to just spend time together

Starting point is 00:01:35 without the kids and just have grown up conversation. And so we did the complete opposite. We regressed to our 18 year old selves, but no, look, it was one night and we're allowed to have one night. And now we're back at work. We're back in workstations. We're just sorry for it that's what we are I think you get too excited when you don't do it often like you just get a little bit too excited you go a little too hard and then you're reminded of exactly why you stopped doing that like you're reminded of why you completely stopped drinking genuinely but also I can't remember the last time I had a hangover like I don't it's not something that is common in my life at all anymore which is interesting because we have a conversation to talk about

Starting point is 00:02:16 today about partying I haven't even been to a nightclub in like over two years I actually can remember my last hangover and it was because it happened at your house it was after my 30th birthday and it was one of the most regrettable times I've ever had and I had to be at your house for this really beautiful lunch and the food was so good but this is the thing that I've learned about hangovers it makes you hate everything about your life the next day and you can't enjoy anything and that food was so good we don't condone any of this okay this is not us this is us saying that every so often you think you have a handle on it and then things go a bit pear-shaped and for you Keisha it was your 30th. Also be careful if there's cocktails because that's what

Starting point is 00:02:57 got me okay it was the cocktail juice that really sent me to another another place. So Lois you're in Bali at the moment but we had our shit together and we recorded the questions for this episode before you went to Bali because you know now that we're doing the YouTubes we've got to have the good filmed content to go up there and this episode the questions are really long so we're going to keep this really short in the intro, but you and I disagreed on a lot in this particular episode. Well, I think it was good. I think it came from like balanced perspectives because sometimes it's hard to always come to a place of resolution, especially if you show up with a different set of standards or you're in a different place in life together. But some of

Starting point is 00:03:36 these questions are a little bit spicier than what we would normally answer. And some of them took a lot of consideration to try and get to a really meted place of what could be a good resolution for you. But also if you are watching along on YouTube, the reason why we kind of mentioned that we're in two different places, that we did the questions in Sydney and then the start of this episode whilst we're away, twofold. One is because obviously the video is going to look different. I am in my trashed hotel room right now. And two, it's because we wanted to keep things as current as possible with Brit being away and in the jungle, just in case anything happened that we would need to reflect for you guys. But unfortunately over here in Bali, you can't access

Starting point is 00:04:13 10 place. You have to get a VPN for it. You've got to bypass like your location. And I am not technology inclined enough to have figured that out. So Keisha has been keeping me updated on where things are at and how Brit in the Jungle has been playing out so far. So last night, my boyfriend and I were watching I'm a Celeb get me out of here while we were eating dinner. And my recommendation is that you don't do that because I actually had to stop because they were eating like rat tails and stuff. But the voting to me is a little bit strange. And I think a few people in the facebook group mentioned this so you can vote 10 times per day and you can vote separately for the trial and to keep brit from being eliminated so we'll be posting links on

Starting point is 00:04:52 our socials and also on brit socials if you just want to like follow the link because it's a little bit easier you can vote on the 10 play website but the thing that is kind of weird and to be honest like not to shit on imus led but i don't like the way that they do this personally you can vote 10 times but you have to like actually vote 10 times you can't just put all your votes in at once for the 10 that you want to tally so annoying yeah it's a bit weird but also there's no part of this that surprises me that channel 10's setup for voting is kind of more aimed at maybe slightly an older generation who might use phones traditionally rather than the internet that doesn't surprise me but I do want to say I think at the start Brick would have felt like it was to

Starting point is 00:05:33 her benefit to not be in the trials because no one wants to do the trials the trials are scary and they're gross. But at this point in the TV show, we need to be voting for her to do the trials because it's allowing her to participate in those activities is what shows what she's really like. And so if you've been avoiding like putting her up as tribute so far, don't. Like vote for her for trials, vote for her to stay, vote for her for everything because that's the only way that we're going to be able to keep her in the jungle is if she's able to show more of the person that she is. So yeah, so I'll be going and putting my 10 votes in as soon as I finish this the last thing I wanted to say before we get into our vibes and unsubscribes and Keisha this

Starting point is 00:06:10 will come as absolutely no surprise to you because it's more an admission of my own stupidity so traveling internationally I have become so immune to never taking anything with me like I don't take a wallet anywhere who needs a wallet I only take my phone because all my cards are linked to my phone so here I am in another country with nothing but a phone to try and pay for stuff not a single credit card didn't bring one just my phone but the audacity to rock up to a country with nothing to pay for nothing no this is intervention stage I walked out the door with my passport on my phone like I was like who needs anything else the confidence this is unhinged behavior we spoke on Tuesday's episode about how neither of us are planners but like that's a whole other level it's

Starting point is 00:06:59 Also kind of smart if you don't want to pay for anything, though. Like if you're traveling with someone who you know can afford it, maybe not the worst idea. I just, I've taken it so deeply for granted how convenient our life is, you know, in Australia, how much we can just pay pass for things. You don't need anything on you. Your license is on you. Your cards are on you and off you go.

Starting point is 00:07:20 It doesn't work the same here and I shouldn't be shocked. This is especially for people who live in New South Wales because our driver's license can be digital. It's not like that in every other state. I think Victoria's either brought it in or is bringing it in. Let's get into our vibes and unsubscribes for you guys today. I want to kick it off because I have a vibe from someone who we love across the podcast. Her name's Brittany Saunders.

Starting point is 00:07:40 We've done an interview with her in the past if you haven't listened to it. She is one of the OG influencers from back in the day. She's got over 600,000 followers now. But the thing that's very cool about Brittany is not the fact that she is an influencer by any means. It's the fact that she's an incredible businesswoman. She owns a clothing label called Fate, Fate the Label. Her acumen for business and the way that she approaches business is really, really remarkable.

Starting point is 00:08:05 And I say this because she's not someone who has done all the marketing courses and shows up with the marketing jargon. She actually has tried so many different businesses. So many of them have failed, but she's learned the lessons along the way. And now with Fate the Label, she makes over eight figures in a year. So she's in the tens of millions. No one knows exactly what that looks like. It could be 80 million, could be 10 million.

Starting point is 00:08:28 But at the same time, it is an incredible achievement. Now, she has just started a podcast. It's called Big Business. I listened to the first episode and I loved it because I think that there's very few podcasts that are out there that are circle around business as the topic, but they are more aimed for women. I think a lot of business podcasts are done by men and they're for men. And in the language and in the way that they speak about the types of businesses that they

Starting point is 00:08:53 focus on. It can be quite isolating to the type of work and businesses that women find interesting. Episode one, it was brilliant. And I think you guys, if you own a small business, if you're thinking about starting a business, wherever you are in that journey of entrepreneurship, I think that this could be an incredible podcast to listen to. So I'm subscribed and I'm on for the ride. I also love that Brit is so grounded. Like she just gets it, you know, I feel a personal connection to her because we were in the same year at school. We're both from Newcastle and seeing her success but her not change at all in her personality like she's just so real and I I think she has a really unique way of being able to have these really high-end business conversations

Starting point is 00:09:34 but also able to just shoot the shit with her mates and like I think she's unreal I really am really keen to listen to that actually and Keisha what is your vibe or unsubscribe my vibe for this week do you ever feel as though there's like a celebrity I think it happens a lot with tv shows and maybe even books and stuff but for me this week it was a celebrity that I feel really late to the party of and it's Trevor Noah. I've known who Trevor Noah is for years but to be honest like I couldn't have really told you much about him other than the very obvious things. He's a South African comedian but he hosted the Daily Show which is that American late night it kind of crosses over between like satirical news and comedy. He hosted that until 2022 and I started

Starting point is 00:10:17 listening to his podcast. So his podcast is called What Now with Trevor Noah. And it kind of led me down a bit of a rabbit hole. And I watched this 60 Minutes episode from 2022 that he did with Leslie Stahl. And his backstory is just so incredible. He's apparently written a book, which I'm going to read after, you know, I've got a couple of books in my list and that one's now been added to it. His story is really, really fascinating. So he was born in South Africa, but his dad was Swiss German and his mom was black. And this is during the time where apartheid was happening and it was illegal for their relationship to exist. And so he went to live with his mom because he was colored. Kind of talks about the fact that he never really felt as though

Starting point is 00:11:02 he fit into either category because he also had to be hidden in the car when they were driving and they would run into police officers. Otherwise, you know, he was fearful that he was going to be taken into an orphanage anyway so he has a podcast they release an episode per week and he is joined by all different people a lot of them are just his friends and they kind of have that really interesting crossover between politics and comedy where they talk about things that are happening in the political space but it's funny like it's not to me I find it really interesting I don't find it like a draw even though some of the points that they make are very politically charged so yeah a couple of things basically my vibe this week is just I really like Trevor Noah and I'm going to

Starting point is 00:11:44 listen to his podcast more regularly I'm also going to you know read his book and I will also link the 60 minutes episode that I watch it's only 13 minutes long which is ironic because it was on 60 minutes I'll link that in the show notes as well because I found it really really interesting Keish I know nothing about who this person is because I when it comes to celebrities I I don't know if you guys know this about me but unless I'm looking at a photo of a celebrity I am so name blank with who a person is is there a specific episode from the podcast that you would recommend or one that you've listened to that you thought from a topic from a political perspective was the most interesting so there was a particular episode that they did I think it was about two

Starting point is 00:12:21 weeks ago and it was about uh there's bills being passed in America about potentially banning TikTok because it's got a Chinese owner and I've read a lot of articles about this and I've also listened to a couple of podcasts and heard other social commentators talk about it but I found their perspective very different to what the other perspectives that I've heard on the particular topic were which I think is kind of why I'm really like I'm gravitating towards this pod and I want to listen to it more is because I feel as though they give me a bit to think about but it's also not draining because they do it in a funny way so I really like that type of like engagement in content where it doesn't feel as though it's really heavy and I've got to really pay attention

Starting point is 00:12:59 you know so Trevor Noah's pod it is called what now as for all of our vibes we will link them in the show notes. Question number one. I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. We are 24. We live together and we share a pet. We've had lots of ups and downs. I'm a hyper romantic and extrovert. He's pretty negative and modest at times and doesn't like to show his affection unless he's drunk or we're alone. That's fucking weird. Over the past year, our sex life has gone from weekly to one to two times a month. I love him so much and despite our arguments, I want this to work. When I question him as to why we aren't having more sex,

Starting point is 00:13:39 he says, you nag me about it too much and it seems like you're forcing the seductiveness. I pulled back any attempt to be overly sexual or touchy and nothing has changed. I even put on lingerie, wore his favourite perfume and lit candles and he still said no, he didn't feel like it. I understand but I'm so lost. I'm so young to be in this position because I know that nothing's going to change now

Starting point is 00:14:01 but I don't know what else to do I listen to the podcast every day and I read all the Facebook posts and I know most people would say just dump him but it's so hard when you're basing the reason for the breakup on his negative persona and the lack of intimacy how do I start again after three years of this because I'm scared I feel sorry for you because we love you firstly I actually think this is a bit more of a broader societal thing. I listened to a podcast a couple of weeks ago with a sex and relationship expert, and they actually found that the most optimum frequency for having sex is a lot lower than what I think we have been led to believe. They found that three times a month is the most optimum. That's still like once every week and a half. These guys are having sex

Starting point is 00:14:48 once a month one to two times a month do you know why i actually feel quite differently about this if that works for you that's fine if having sex once every six months is what you and your partner desire play on who am i to tell you any different like sex drive it's going to ebb and flow it's going to go up and down throughout different stages of your relationship but if you are the type of person who doesn't want to have sex that frequently that's actually okay yeah but i think in this instance it's not just about sex he's said he he's pretty negative and modest at times and doesn't like to show his affection unless he's drunk or we're alone do you know what i think the bigger problem in this situation is is that it sounds to me as though your love language is

Starting point is 00:15:31 physical touch and it sounds as though he either doesn't understand or doesn't care how to show you love in the way that you actually are going to feel loved totally and also i mean it's really hard being with someone who you love, who is negative and isn't showing you affection or love. And the only time they're doing it is when they're absolutely fucking blind or no one's around. So you feel like, well, are you embarrassed by me? Are you ashamed of me? Like, why do I have to try so hard? The thing I, I have a lot of feelings about this. Firstly, I want to say, I'm so sorry that you're going through this because I think at the three year mark, when you're like, I love this person so much and I'm trying so hard this isn't about you trying this is about are they

Starting point is 00:16:19 trying are they putting an effort because you can only make a relationship work if you're both showing up to that relationship equally and you're both putting the effort in because you both want to be there and when you say you know I've bought lingerie I'm trying to do these things to spark the romance he needs to also be coming to the table to want those things and to want you and to want the relationship and to want to put the effort in it's the lack of trying on his part that's making you feel defeated it's also the sense of rejection totally like you're being rejected by the person that you think loves you the most and that you are kind of innately meant to be sexual with so those needs are not being met and that I know that you've said like I want

Starting point is 00:17:02 to make this work but if you are with someone and it's very normal to be in a relationship with someone who has a different love language to you but it's not normal to be in a relationship with someone who knows how you feel loved and appreciated and isn't willing to attempt to fulfill that need for you yeah so like it's really clear to me reading this that you're a physical touch person you like intimacy you like that close connection with your partner and if that's not a natural thing to him if he's someone who shows love through gifts or through acts of service that's okay however he still needs to be showing you love in a way that you're going to receive it he also still needs to try regardless he needs to be trying look I think you guys are 24 years old

Starting point is 00:17:48 and I don't want to like put I don't want to sound ageist at all but like when you've had a three-year relationship and you are still really really young but you're dealing with really big problems but you're the only one who seems like they're actually trying to fix it I think that there's some pretty big questions you need to ask yourself and it's around what kind of relationship do you want to have for the rest of your life? What kind of relationship do you want to have for the next 10 years or six years? Or once you have kids and maybe kids aren't on the cards for you, maybe you don't want them and that's fine too. But if you did, let me tell you, if you're having sex once a month now and you're not satisfied and you have children, that's going to

Starting point is 00:18:22 go down because the time and energy and all the other things that you need in the long term in a relationship, like it's harder to put effort into your actual relationship when you have so many other things in life that are demanding your attention. I would say here, it's time for some very, very honest conversations around feeling rejected, around feeling as though the effort you're putting in is not being matched. And maybe it'll give him an opportunity to say, okay, well, you think I'm not trying in this way, but like I've done this and this and this, and he can show you the ways in which he's committed to the relationship and show you the ways. And then that will kind of indicate whether it is this mismatch in love language, like Keisha's saying.

Starting point is 00:19:00 but also I think it's so important to potentially explore something like going to couples therapy if you really are like I've tried everything I don't know what to do and I am at the end of my wits but I can't walk away from this relationship I would suggest going and speaking to an external party and sitting down because maybe it's a case that you don't have the tools to communicate maybe it's the case that you both love each other you both want this relationship to work but you're speaking a different language and no one's listening to each other and like that I often think is like the biggest and hardest thing to overcome and maybe with the advice and the guidance of someone who is external and who gives you the tools to be able to communicate

Starting point is 00:19:41 and the and help you to unpack a few things that might be really helpful for where you guys are at and I don't often I mean we answer these questions all the time we always advocate for like going and getting help if you need it but very rarely would I say like go and speak to a relationship counselor but I think you because of the space that you're in where you're like I don't want to leave but nothing is changing that is such an unhealthy place to be in that something has to change and so this would be the last thing to try before having all of the information and going okay it's time to walk away and you're also doing this from a place of already feeling rejected so I think when you're already in that place where you're feeling as though any advances you make are

Starting point is 00:20:23 being rejected it's not a cycle it's a spiral totally you kind of get fearful of having more conversations because you're fearful that that is also going to be rejected but if you don't have this conversation firstly he might not understand and i might be giving too much benefit of the doubt there but often people are they're not very in touch with this type of thing especially men when they're 24 years old he might not realize how much his rejections of your sexual advances are making you feel like you're not good enough for him that you're not attractive enough for him that you're not able to induce this intimacy that you think should be so natural at the age of 24 but also it's fucking cruel like having a conversation of like you know i love you and i don't feel like

Starting point is 00:21:09 we're having enough sex and i and i would want to be having more sex to be told you nag me too much about it and it seems like you're forcing the seductiveness like no shit i'm forcing the seductiveness I'm trying I am I've bought sexy lingerie like I'm trying and you don't want to try like you don't want to increase so maybe it is a case that he's like he doesn't want to have more sex and so all of your trying is going to fall on deaf ears so I really think it's like you don't want to get to a place where you feel undesired by your partner and you feel resentful so I think it's so important for you to figure out what is it that you both want what is it that you both think is normal in a relationship and it's okay for extroverts and introverts to be together

Starting point is 00:21:50 like that couple dynamic works in so many ways but you still have to be able to communicate what you want and feel satisfied and feel loved the other part of this the very last thing you said is how do I start again after three years of this I'm scared relationship breakdowns are fucking scary coming to the realization that a relationship is not the right one especially when you absolutely love the person and you want it to work is scary. But I think you need to get to a point where you feel like you've given everything, you've tried everything and you don't have anything more to try. You've put everything on the table and he's not coming to meet you where you need to be met. The relationship is not working and it is not right. And we say, you know how hard it is to

Starting point is 00:22:31 leave and everything else, but you will only waste more time by staying because of the fear of leaving. If you stay for another year or two more years, then you're going to be in the same situation. You'll be like, but I've spent five years in this relationship and nothing's changed. There does have to come a point where you call it and you go, well, for the past year, nothing has changed. Nothing is going to change. Unless he changes something, unless he actively changes something, nothing will change. And so what does that then look like for you? And, you know, we can worry about the sunk cost fallacy that we've spoken about so many times this idea that you've invested so much time into a relationship what about that you

Starting point is 00:23:08 know it seems like a waste that's not a waste it's all about learning what you want in your relationships what's a great match for you and what do you want in a life partner if that's what you want in your life all right question number two I recently went on a third date with a guy which so far everything was going really well he was ticking many boxes in terms of constant communication making plans and on this night he had initiated dinner booked the restaurant and was even there early. And the date went fabulously. At the end of the night, after going to a bar for more drinks, we decided we wouldn't go home together. By this point, all we had done was kiss. As we were exiting the bar, I saw him on his phone, but little did I know that he was

Starting point is 00:23:47 already booking his Uber. Once we get outside, it's about 1am, he tells me that his Uber is nearly here. I quickly book mine, but it says that it's nine minutes away. His Uber arrives and without hesitation he jumped straight in. I thought surely he'd check how far away mine was but no he didn't. He just left me standing there on the street alone waiting eight minutes for my Uber. I thought I'd at least get a message from him asking if I got home safe but nothing. He couldn't have cared less how or if I got home. He still messaged me the next day asking to see me again chivalry is huge for me but sadly his lack of care here has given me the major ick do you think this is bad behavior or a red flag or should i just carry on seeing him and hope that it was a

Starting point is 00:24:36 simple mistake every week we get red flag questions is this a red flag is this a red flag i think we're a bit too obsessed with the red flag did he do we need to put the red flags down sometimes people do things that are a little bit inconsiderate like one red flag is not always enough to throw is someone in the bin and to not give them another chance dating. In this instance, would this give me the ick? Would I be like, you're fucking inconsiderate? Yes, I would think that. But there are also a lot of people out there who haven't really thought about the considerations of chivalry, right? He was just like, okay, well, we're not going home together. So I'm going to book my own. And he absolutely didn't think about you. And he didn't think about how you were

Starting point is 00:25:15 getting home. Doesn't mean he doesn't care if you did or didn't get home. He just expects that you are going to get home safe because he's a man and he always gets home safe and often women don't but he's not be nice must be fucking nice he doesn't have to think about the realities of getting home safe because he's never had to experience a time when he didn't feel safe standing on the side of the street at one o'clock in the morning because that's not a man thing that's a woman thing so I would say that he is inconsiderate in just choosing to like get into an uber and not you know wait because like for me, how would I feel? I would be very surprised if a guy did that, especially a guy who was wanting to continue to date me. That to me, I think is the biggest standout.

Starting point is 00:25:55 If he wasn't wanting to date you and he was kind of like this date didn't go well, I'm out of here. Part of me would be a little bit more like, of course, well, he's not, he's, I mean, lack of chivalry still, but he's not invested. He's not interested. He's gone. Is it a red flag? Maybe, maybe not. It may have been a moment of very bad judgment after a few glasses of wine and he might not have thought that through and then all of a sudden his uber is one minute away he thought it was going to take longer xyz but it's only up to you as to whether you think that that is like too much of a hard line and you don't want to date him anymore because I think sometimes when you get the ick it's almost too hard to go oh I don't know if I want to give

Starting point is 00:26:33 this a second chance I feel as though you know we've progressed so far feminism has really brought of so many places. Similarly to you, there was this one time that I went on a date with a guy and we went to this sushi place and I wasn't very hungry because I had a really late lunch and it was a sushi train and I ate $12 worth of sushi. And you want to know why I know how much sushi I ate? Because he said that we should split the bill and we should pay for what we each got. And he had ordered like $40 worth of food. And so I was like, okay, no problem. And after that, we went and got ice cream and I just paid because I was like we're not doing two separate six dollar transactions and for me it was a question of like wow I just felt you're a loser pay for my twelve

Starting point is 00:27:18 dollars for sushi like I know it sounds ridiculous because I'm all about equality and I'm all about female empowerment and you know maybe we should be splitting the bills like but for me I definitely felt like it wasn't a particularly chivalrous thing for him to do yeah and when it comes to dating being a feminist is expensive it means you pay for more things I wish we could pick and choose no okay i kind of thought it's not like we've gone to this really expensive restaurant it was 12 like it literally was 12 i'm not underplaying it and i got a really big ick so i understand why you've got the ick here because there is an element of you especially on a first date sorry this was a third date oh i didn't even realize for me it was a first date and i got such

Starting point is 00:27:57 a big ick from that because i was like if this is indicative of like how you're going to care for me I'm not really that attracted to it but this isn't so much about chivalry this is around consideration like he didn't consider you when you say oh he didn't care how I got home he didn't wait and just to make sure that you're safe and I think I would do that for my girlfriend if we were out somewhere late at night and I didn't know how they were getting home I would ask the question and I would make sure that they were safe because I consider the people I care about so I think you nailed it on the head the reason he doesn't think that is because he's never been in the situation where it's been a threat for him it's never been his reality so I guess it

Starting point is 00:28:34 it depends on whether you are willing to accept that and you feel like it's okay for you to teach him that which feels very patronizing like should we be teaching people on dates how to give a fuck about the safety of the person that they've been out with yeah it is a little bit of a red flag in terms of consideration how considerate is he as a person but when it comes to all these things that we kind of now are unpacking on on you know I'll ask uncut questions and being like is this a red flag? Isn't this a red flag? Draw a line in the sand. I think that one thing in silo is not enough to put someone in the bin. I think this instance maybe isn't enough to completely just write him off. But I do think if you had a really great time with him, if you think he's been really

Starting point is 00:29:16 considerate in other ways and how he showed up to the date, give him another opportunity to show you that he is a considerate person and that this was a, it may be, you know, he, even he after the fact was like oh actually no maybe not because he would have texted my thought on this is I would probably give him another opportunity but if he continued to do things like this that made me feel like he wasn't considerate towards me it wouldn't even be a question because my ick would be so great that I wouldn't want to date him I also think it kind of indicates that he's not very good at reading the room like we all read the news we all know that this is something that women have to deal with men when he finds out about the gender pay gap like his brain is gonna blow what are you

Starting point is 00:29:56 gonna do then buddy yeah I think I agree with you laws I don't know if this is enough to write someone off but it's interesting to kind of have these conversations about the way that we want to be treated and looked after and when there's a safety element to it I think it kind of indicates to me that he hasn't had many women in his life like maybe he didn't have sisters I don't know why he hasn't had these conversations I don't know why this isn't second nature to him I would also love to know from other people like what you guys think would you like if you went on a date with someone and they, would you care if they just left and got an Uber home and sorted themselves out? Even though you'd both made the decision not to go home together, would that offend you? Would

Starting point is 00:30:33 that give you the ick? Would it make you question the values of that person? All right. This is a very tricky one to answer and you'll know why very soon. Okay. My partner and I are planning to start our little family together. After a recent miscarriage, he was the most supportive person. And outside of this, we have the best relationship. I know he will be such a great parent. He will be the stay-at-home parent after my paid leave finishes as I earn more. I am just not sure where I sit on one thing. I know it's common and almost normal these days, but every six months or so, he uses cocaine on special occasions with friends. This isn't really my thing, which he respects, but I appreciate that he's always been open when he has used them.

Starting point is 00:31:18 He agrees without hesitation not to use it while we try again, but I get the impression that he may still use it on rare occasions in the future. It's not necessarily a deal breaker for me, but I just had this mindset that it's something that you weed out of your life when you become a parent. What are your thoughts? Okay. There's a couple of things that I'm thinking here. And I think firstly, we need to acknowledge the huge elephant in the room. And that is the fact that cocaine, funnily enough, it's illegal. Cocaine is a very hard thing to talk about, right? Because there's two camps. If you and your friends and the people that you're around and your silo of your community don't do cocaine, then it is such a foreign concept that you're like, one, how would

Starting point is 00:32:00 anyone even get it? Two, why the fuck would you spend time with people who do it? And three, like it's illegal. I'm not going to take that risk. In Sydney, it is actually unbelievably common and it's prolific. And I'm not saying that that is okay. And this conversation is in no way normalizing it. It is just shocking to me how common it really is. And I say this from someone who in my twenties, I partied, but now in my thirties, I don't spend time with people who do cocaine. It's not common in my friendship groups. It's not something I'm exposed to. And so now it feels more like a foreign concept than what it did when it felt way more accessible when I was in my twenties and I was in different friendship groups and I was going out and I was partying. So I think

Starting point is 00:32:42 it depends on the social scene that you're in. And also I think the other thing that's really important to establish is that just recently I was reading that there was a drug bust that happened in Sydney that was a syndicate that was making, and it's only one of many syndicates that would exist in Sydney, it was making $7 million a day distributing recreational cocaine. So when you think of the scale of that in such a condensed area, I think that that gives you a bit of an understanding just how common it must be for some people to use. And I think the way that I would like to talk about this is not so much from the legal side of things, because we all know that drugs are illegal. But also, I don't even just want to talk about it from cocaine. I want to

Starting point is 00:33:23 talk about this from any type of drug, because I think that this is a question that a lot of people have within their relationships. And to give a little bit of background, because I know that I might be using some words that sound a bit strange. Before I worked with the girls, I actually did an honours in biomedical science and my research was in addiction, specifically of genetic factors that affect cocaine addiction. So my background looked a lot at the physiological side of drug use and what contributed to drug behaviour. I didn't really look at the legalities of it and I think that's why I kind of look at this question and I may view it a little bit differently to how a lot of other people do. So I just wanted to establish that before I kind of say more. When we're talking

Starting point is 00:34:03 about drug use, I think the things that are really important to check yourself or maybe check your partner is whether it is having a really negative effect on your life. It's also important to consider, does your partner or do you have the ability to say no if they're in an environment where drugs are happening? Do you have the control over that decision or do you feel peer pressured into it? Other things to consider are, does your behavior change? Do you get aggressive? Do you get more flirty. That's a really common thing that people don't like their partners doing drugs because of, because they say that, you know, they kind of go out and they lose their inhibitions and they may do things that you would deem to be cheating in your relationship. And another thing

Starting point is 00:34:43 to think about is whether it's having a significant financial impact on you because drugs are expensive. What I do like about this situation is that your partner seems to have control over the choice because he said that he's agreed without hesitation to not use it while you try again. so to me that's a tick. It also seems as though the frequency isn't particularly high and you've said that it's not a deal breaker so what I would deem this to be in my view in my relationship I wouldn't see this as being problematic use of drugs. I guess my thing is is like the big question here is is is this something that you weed out after you have kids and in my experience yes it is because it's not just I guess my rebuttal to what you say Keish is problematic is problematic

Starting point is 00:35:27 to who problematic to the user or problematic to the person who's in a relationship with them because I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who does cocaine at all at least he's honest about it you know at least he's coming home he's telling you he's not hiding it all of those sorts of things but I guess for me and the way I would feel is if I had communicated that this is something that made me upset and it's such an infrequent thing that he has quote-unquote control over I'm not saying you can't go out and have drinks I'm not saying you can't go out and party with your friends I'm just saying that this thing that is illegal that I don't want you to do because of potentially the repercussions that could happen and the risks that might be involved

Starting point is 00:36:07 I guess like I would hate that my partner was prioritizing his once every six month need to do cocaine over our well-being and our happiness as a couple like that for me would sit uncomfortably and I guess I would question if it's so important to you to do that you would sacrifice our combined happiness like where is the line there then as a relationship sacrifice I probably have more of a bias as a parent because I know that there are still parents who go out there and do you know I'm not saying they don't take care of their kids but they'll make arrangements they'll still go out and party and they're not bad parents they're amazing parents still they just every so often you know, have their own special adult time, which is how, and I'm not going to judge anyone

Starting point is 00:36:50 in the way that they choose to live their life. But I guess for me, I personally don't see the value in the risk. You know, I think about what happened to Nadia Bartel. I think about what happened to Cassidy. I don't ever want to be in a situation or have my partner be in a situation where our life could be affected by one very silly decision or one night out. And I guess as a parent, my propensity to worry has changed my propensity for caution has changed I do understand why you ask the question isn't this something that you just weed out when you have kids so I guess I very much understand where the wife is coming from with that thought I think and this is where I feel a little bit different and that's why I felt it was important to establish kind of these

Starting point is 00:37:34 other things about the type of use and in my mind I see this as an expectation in a change of behavior and I view it very similarly to alcohol you know because they are both drugs it's just that one's illegal and one's not illegal and I guess that that may be why you find the distinction between not wanting to take the risk because there is the risk of it being criminalized oh yeah and alcohol it's in many cases worse like you can go out and get absolutely blind drunk and that can ruin your relationship in the same way that you could go out and do cocaine I'm not saying that just because one has more or less of an effect on you physiologically. I'm talking about the very real implications that if you're in a nightclub with cocaine versus in a nightclub

Starting point is 00:38:16 with a glass of wine, the outcome if you get caught are very, very different. Yeah. If it's something that the two of you agree to in your relationship because you're planning a family and that's what you want for your future, that's absolutely fine and that's anyone's prerogative. Personally, what I find a bit of a problem, and I've seen this happen to so many of my friends is that people will turn up into relationships with a set of the way that they conduct life you know and in this particular circumstance to me it's not a trouble like he's really honest about it he has all the markers of like you know he's not lying to you about it he's not doing bad things when he goes out with his friends on special occasions he has a handle on

Starting point is 00:38:56 it is what you're saying yeah it sounds like it you know I obviously don't have all of the information. But what I don't like is when I kind of see this change in what you deem to be a boundary. And then because of the way that you have changed your boundary, you expect your partner to follow the same. And in this circumstance, asking like, is it something that you weed out of your life? I just want to ask you like, why do you feel that way? Do you feel that way because you want him to be more responsible when you have a family? Cause that's fine. But it's also a conversation between the two of you yeah I don't feel the same as that and maybe this is going to be a question where we don't agree on completely and I think that that's because your expectations in relationships

Starting point is 00:39:37 are allowed to change what you and your partner were okay with and what you were okay with in your partner's behavior five years ago versus what you're okay with when you have children and other people to be responsible for it's allowed to change and I don't think that that is you trying to stop your partner from having a good time she's not saying you can't go out she's not saying you can't enjoy yourself with your friends she's saying this thing which causes me stress or worry or it puts things in jeopardy for me or seems an unnecessary risk to take when we had the responsibility of two little humans or one little human I'm speaking for myself two little humans the juice is not worth the squeeze and I just go back to that conversation of like if I'm in a

Starting point is 00:40:18 relationship with someone and they're prioritizing that over our mutual stability my question would be why what is it about that infrequency that's still so important to him I guess if we reverse this situation I was the one going out doing special occasion things and I didn't think that it was much of a problem in my relationship because you've actually said it's not a deal breaker if I wasn't causing any problems like if I was still being responsible if I was still turning up to look after the kid when i said i was going to if it was just a one-off kind of thing that happened twice a year i would question like why are you expecting me to change this because i haven't done anything wrong yeah but i would also question that you can't like i don't think

Starting point is 00:40:59 that people can go out and have a massive night on cocaine and they don't feel the effects for several days like you're down you have to then deal with someone who's going through like the anxiety of it you're not able to show up and be a great parent the next day i don't think that it's just like oh it's one night out and then there's no flow on effect it doesn't affect anything I think that that's like several days that you're taking out of the responsibility of being clocked in and quality parenting but I would say the same for drinking yeah so if it was like he goes out twice a year has a bit of a hangover for a while like what I'm asking is like would you have a problem with that or is it specifically because of the illegal nature of it that the risk

Starting point is 00:41:36 is it? Yeah, I agree with that point. Look, I think for me and the way I feel about it now has vastly changed to the way I felt about it in my twenties. The people who do it, it's still shrouded in secrecy. It's still looked on so negatively and I don't care if other people do it. This is not my judgment on them. I just don't want it for myself and I don't want it in my relationship. And I think it is a little bit different when there is the possibility that your entire career could go out the window. So for me, I'm like, I will not take the risk. I think that this is a conversation that loads of people face in their relationships and it doesn't have to just come down to cocaine. It could come down to having like a massive blowout

Starting point is 00:42:14 party. It could come down to like the frequency of your partner drinking, their behavior. I think that if something is an issue for you in a relationship, there has to be a conversation around it. And there has to be some sort of middle ground and a listening to and a validating of the concerns of the other person and I think getting to the bottom of it and maybe for the person who's written this question in ask yourself is it because you have an issue with the drugs itself is it because of his behavior as you mentioned Keisha is it because of the you know the things that could happen like what is the thing about it that makes you feel so uncertain and makes you hate the idea of him doing it once you have kids and you have this family unit and then I guess

Starting point is 00:42:57 also understanding from his perspective, why does he feel the need? What is it about that that he feels like he's going to be missing out on if he does? But I do think it is a testament to your relationship that even though he knows you don't like it, he's still very honest with you because it would be easier to lie. It would be easier for him to go out for a night out and lie about doing it and then never have to face up to the uncomfortable conversations around how it makes you feel. I also think it's important to kind of check in on this whole like, does this cause a problem in our relationship? Or is it just that you expected when you got to a different stage of life that it wouldn't exist? Because maybe, you know, you just had this idea in your

Starting point is 00:43:37 head of like, oh, once you have children, you stop doing that stuff. And the reality is that's not true for a lot of people. You do have the choice of whether that stops. But for me, I just think that it's not fair to put that change of what you expect in your relationship onto the other person unless there is something that they're doing that is wrong, or they also want to make that change. All I'm saying is like, for me, I think it's more of a, you have to mutually agree upon this unless they're experiencing something that is problematic. Yeah. And I think that that's such an important point because I think so many people go into relationships thinking that once they're married or once they have babies, that something will change, that

Starting point is 00:44:18 that will be the catalyst that will change the behavior of their partner. And the reality is, is that those things don't change necessarily someone's behavior and it's all the conversations that precede it that ensure that you're on the same page what is our life going to look like when we're married what is our life going to look like if we choose to have children how do we want to parent our children where are our limitations our boundaries it's okay for what you want in your relationship to change but i don't think that the expectation can be that just because you have children someone will have those same expectations that you do and that's an important conversation and maybe there's an element of him wanting to hold on to his life before he was a dad

Starting point is 00:44:57 you know I think we talk you can do that without cocaine but I mean was it like going out with his mates you know every now and then and kind of having that fun party experience every now and then because we talk so much about the shift in identity you know when you become a parent and I think a lot of that is grieving the fact that you don't have the things that you used to before you had kids and so maybe this is his way of just holding on to that little bit of who he was before you did have more responsibilities of children laying around I know that this will be a polarizing conversation I want to go back to that thing that I said at the very start it depends on what camp you sit in if you are in a social group where it's common you almost can normalize it to

Starting point is 00:45:36 yourself and if you're in a social group where it's not common then you will very much be like how is this even a consideration because it is fucking illegal right and that is the black and white nature of it it's that on one side it's black and white and if you sit on the other line it is so gray and I think we would be kidding ourselves if we sat here and put our head in the sand and only had this conversation from the side of it being illegal because the reality is that a lot of couples have to deal with this conversation and how do you navigate something when so many people think it's normal slash common which is exactly how this woman has described it in the question that is it from us if you have enjoyed the episode or if you think

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - My Partner Does Drugs on Special Occasions

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