Life Uncut - Ask Uncut -My Train Of Thought Is Not Normal

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. And I am so broken. You said this last week. I'm more broken than I've ever been.

Starting point is 00:00:28 So I'm more broken this week than last week. There's only a few more days left of Dancing with the Stars. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that. Well, you just said it. I didn't sign an NDA. You did. I'm sitting here with a hot waddle behind. What a fuck.

Starting point is 00:00:41 I'm a waddle. I'm sitting here with a hot waddle. I'm sitting on a piece of waddle. I'm waddling. I do waddle, actually. My naturopath said it would be good for me. So for the last couple of months, you guys know I've been doing Dancing with the Stars, but I'm at my tether.

Starting point is 00:00:56 I'm at my wits end. my body is screaming out for help it's like it is sos-ing so I have to walk around everywhere now with a hot water bottle basically taped to me I drive in the car with it on my groin and I wish that was for a different reason but it's absolutely not I strap it to my back at every moment I can every part of my body is like screaming on fire you only have a couple of days you're going to make it to the root of the end you're going to be amazing tell you what it's not long left if this if this comes and i make it to the end of dancing with the stars if i make it to the end and i'm there and you guys don't vote for me so what are you gonna do i'm quitting the podcast brittany's

Starting point is 00:01:32 like i'm gonna take back all those puppies i promised you and never gave you i'm quitting i have left that much blood sweat and tears literally there's blood on craig my dance partner craig leaves with blood on his shirt that's because you use a menstrual cup what do you oh yeah true my groin is on his shirt i will that's true i also just want to like remind you that dancing with the stars is also like a separate thing to the podcast so like you can't quit the podcast because people don't vote for you and them they're two different entities but I'm glad that you've like it's taken over every facet of your life Laura I am blackmailing our lifers so we were just talking about this I mean obviously you've come here for us to answer your questions we'll get to that guys

Starting point is 00:02:10 don't worry it's coming but we were just talking about this so Brit started doing a new thing which we're going to create a compilation for you I haven't finished complaining yet hang on I'm still complaining this is our turn to complain it's our turn so so recently I don't know whether you've noticed it and that's because Keish does an incredible job of editing out like every single one of these not every that puts me in a position that makes me uncomfortable because I do my absolute best sometimes I isolate audio sometimes I use AI to try and reduce them I don't know where this is going but I don't like it so yesterday I get a message from Keisha and she says I'm sorry So now you're talking behind my back.

Starting point is 00:02:46 But we need to have an intervention. So hang on. Let me get this straight. We have a group chat. You left the group chat to talk about me behind my back. I did. I said, I don't know what to do. I'm at breaking point.

Starting point is 00:02:58 I don't know how to make this better. I've brought it up. I've shown her examples. I don't know how to get rid of it. The snort has to go. I didn't listen to the examples. I saw the voice came through and I was like, I'm not changing who I am. And I deleted it.

Starting point is 00:03:12 We've noticed recently that Brittany's, we love your laugh. It's amazing. But your snorting is something that everybody has. We feel personally victimized by it. What I will say is, in my defense, yes, my laugh seems. What I will say is. In my defense. What I will say is I am aware that my laugh has evolved.

Starting point is 00:03:34 Why? I can't be sure. How? I don't know. I don't know where it's come from, but I know the snort has entered my life. It seems to be on an upwards trajectory. I know. One used to sneak in every now and then.

Starting point is 00:03:45 To be honest, they actually used to come from Laura more and yours have disappeared. Yours are no longer in the recordings. I just want everyone to know that me just doing that hurt my sinuses. I'm really sorry. Do you know what, though? Like we're going to let you guys into a real insight. We obviously edit the podcast.

Starting point is 00:03:59 We try and keep it as natural as possible, right? But we edit things if one of us does something like snorts too much. We will edit that. What I want to say is what you guys aren't aware of, and I hate that this is throwing each other under the bus. Welcome to the podcast. We love each other, but this is the slay episode. I'm sorry for getting out of the group chat and directly contacting Laura.

Starting point is 00:04:20 And I'm sorry for throwing you under the bus, Gage. Yeah, I'm throwing you under the bus, Laura. For six years, what you don't know is our very own Laura Byrne snorts, I reckon, a hundred times an episode because she has breathing problems, like a little pug. You're like a little French bulldog that can't breathe properly. And we edited it out to make you sound better. So now you're coming from, but you don't even know you do it because it's so natural for you. I do it in conversation, but I stop.

Starting point is 00:04:48 So it's an easy edit. Keisha, how often do I snort and record though? It has reduced significantly. This is what I'm concerned about. This is like a group meeting. You swap places and Brit's trajectory is increasing. Yours has decreased so much that I hardly even notice it anymore. And I used to have a problem with the mouth sounds.

Starting point is 00:05:04 Everyone knows I'm a bit sensitive to the, the snorting has taken on a level where like The wavelength of it, when I can see it coming, like when I'm going through the audio and I can see it coming up, I almost brace myself because I'm like, it's coming. Oh, it's a drama! The hyperbole! The hyperbole. Because if you listen with headphones in, it's an assault on the ears. And I love your laugh.

Starting point is 00:05:30 I am so supportive of your laugh. I am sorry that I've gone behind your back to try and rectify this, but the snort has got to go. This is it. Maybe this is the episode that we do insert the compilation here just so everyone can hear. All of a sudden. It just means she came.

Starting point is 00:05:47 And it's like. What you can't see is me doing, you know, on The Simpsons, that dog that does the squinty eyes when he looks. That's what I'm doing. You bitches. I'm Homer going back into the bush now. it is time for vibes and unsubscribe so that we can get into oh we're just pretending that that attack yeah because i'm well i've done my unsubscribe my unsubscribe is your snort well

Starting point is 00:06:13 let's put it out to the people let's put a poll on actually don't that'll make it worse do not put the poll on let's move on i'm gonna try my best not to snort i'm upset i'm upset about a lot of things in my life right now we love you we love everything about you we don't we do i love most things about you deeply well put me back in the group chat then all right vibes and unsubscribes at least we're so in sync we've got the same vibe this week we do okay so I'll just say my unsubscribe is the snort and then it feels like we've got something different well my unsubscribes equal your song go and get surgery I know I do I've spoken about this before though I can't go and get surgery now because people will think I'm just getting

Starting point is 00:06:54 like a rhinoplasty and they'll think I'm doing it for that reason you've got a two in actually you You can do a three-in-one. I have a tiny. Trim the labia, hair transplant, new sinus, three-in-one. I reckon there's someone in Turkey that would do that. You know, you can get the sinus surgery without altering the appearance. Why would you, though? No.

Starting point is 00:07:11 Laura would come out looking like Halle Berry. She'd be like a different person. She'd be like, why are you there? I didn't change my skin colour at the same time. No, I just meant you come out looking like a different person. You're like, just trim here, here, here. Let's fix here, here, here. And also sign me up for those melatonin injections.

Starting point is 00:07:25 Thanks. If you're going to go under. All right. Look, let's get serious. Vibes and unsubscribes. Britt and I do have the same vibe and it's because it's rare these days that I get sucked into a TV show or a documentary or anything and I'm able to watch every single episode in one sitting.

Starting point is 00:07:41 But that is how incredibly interesting this doco is that we're about to recommend. It's on Disney+. It's Devil in the Family, The Fall of Ruby Frankie. Now so many of you will know the influencer Ruby Frankie. She had the Channel 8 Passengers on YouTube who was convicted of child abuse in the US. Yeah. And we've also spoken about her a few times over the last year or two as her case progressed. We've spoken about her daughter, Shari. So you may have heard us talk

Starting point is 00:08:06 about her on the podcast before. The reason why I found this so interesting is because we knew a lot about the basic facts around the story, the facts around the case, the opinions of the children who have come out publicly to speak about it, Shari and Chad, namely. But there was so much in this documentary it's three episodes and they're about 50 minutes each and it is fascinating to me the father sits down and he does quite a lengthy interview around his involvement around how he was complicit what he did and didn't know I think it really raises so many questions around the legalities and responsibilities that need to be put into place to better safeguard children from family vlogging situations I had really mixed feelings about the father's version I completely

Starting point is 00:08:51 believe him that he knew nothing about it, but that doesn't mean I think it's okay. Because I think what he did was so wrong. And I understand that he was, and you'll have to formulate your own opinion. I understand that he was brainwashed to an extent, but he still made some pretty interesting decisions to abandon his family. His reasoning for it to him was justified at the time, but for me, it wasn't enough. I think he really let his family down. Yeah, there's so many facets to this. So Kevin Franke is the husband. Jodie Hildebrand was Ruby's business partner. She's also serving up to 30 years imprisonment for child abuse because they were very entwined. And it also centers around the Latter Day Saints and the Mormon community of which they are all members of. i found it truly truly fascinating and i also was enraged watching kevin frankie because i felt as a father he was able to completely absolve himself of the responsibilities but to me he was the

Starting point is 00:09:49 weakest version of a man the weakest version of a father figure of someone who should have been there to take care of their family and to protect them he cared so much about his faith but also about this family unit at the cost of the absolute expense of the children. Would you go as far as saying that you think he enabled the abuse? 100%. And also what I don't like is he's come out and spoken about how quite confronting some of the behind-the-scenes footage is

Starting point is 00:10:16 because you've got to remember like Ruby Frankie had filmed thousands and thousands of hours of herself and her children and so this is all unseen footage that didn't make it, so the takes that didn't make it to her YouTube channel. and there's moments where she grabbed her child by the mouth to shut her child up there's moments where she's screaming at the kids from the other room and I read a statement from Kevin Frankie and he said you know this is the reality of vlogging and of people who share their children online and I was like you know what it might be for some families but they're abusive families

Starting point is 00:10:46 and the fact that you think that this is so normal just shows that this was systemic throughout the whole time of your relationship and it was only when you removed yourself from the household that the abuse escalated, but she was always abusive. That's the thing that I've been very interested in with seeing this play out across media now, now that she's been convicted and stuff. I feel like people are equating vlogging with child abuse and it's so important to distinguish the difference because there are going to be versions of both of those things that do coexist, but a lot of the time those things are not going to coexist. You know, most child abusers don't vlog it. They don't have the evidence they don't have it on film and most vlogging families are not abusing

Starting point is 00:11:26 their children they might be exploiting them in some way but there is a difference you know it does highlight so many different interesting aspects this documentary that we've seen before but also one of the big things for me was just seeing the level of coercive control that Ruby had towards her husband like it was quite the role reversal in that sense to what we're used to was he quite a weak and pathetic man and I hate saying that that is how he comes across the whole show. He even says it himself at the end of the final questions, you know, like she's in prison for 30 years for child abuse. She did these horrific things to your son. She brainwashed you. She wouldn't let you see your kids for a year. All of these things. Do you love her? And

Starting point is 00:12:03 he's like, yeah, I do. I'll always will. I'll always love her. That's his final statement. And I was just like, yeah, absolutely. Look, like I said, I mean, there is so no matter how much you know about this story, there is so much more in this doco. Definitely give it a watch. It's on Disney Plus. I highly recommend it. Honestly, could not stop watching. My vibe for the week is seemingly much more, what's the word I'm after? Flippant after that deep unpack. We can do the light and shade. Don't worry. It's a mattress. So the reason I've been thinking that I should vibe this on the podcast is because often in our Facebook groups, so the Life Uncut discussion group, and I'm talking like probably three to four times a week minimum, people are putting

Starting point is 00:12:43 questions in there being like hey who has this mattress do you recommend it blah blah blah and often it's a question between like this one versus this one and I obviously can't compare it because I haven't had multiple but I purchased the koala luxe mattress on the boxing day sale so I did get it 30% off which was a nice little little treat for myself and I am so deeply obsessed with it that my brother and sister-in-law spent one night on this mattress when they came to stay in our house and they and they've moved in they've now ordered their own like it or that's all it took for them so I mean if there's ever been a review that's it right there yeah yeah I really really love this mattress I realized that my mattress for someone who's as obsessed with sleep as what

Starting point is 00:13:22 I am my mattress was terrible before this so this is their top of the range one so it's the most expensive one the queen retails for $2,390 they do have sales quite regularly so you maybe get on sale, wait for one of those. I think it's amazing. It comes in a box. I'm not really a box mattress person until now. I am completely converted. I have had their mattress. I bought it probably three years ago and I won't go back. I really, really love it. And everybody always talks about how comfy my bed is too. Cause I have people in multiple times a week, you know, that's a joke. I've actually slept in your bed a little bit. All three people that have ever slept in my bed. In terms of like softness, that is the other question that people tend to ask in

Starting point is 00:14:05 Facebook group. I think it's probably medium to soft range of memory foam style. So if you like a firm one, I'm sure that they've got versions that you can kind of make it more firm, but I think it's, yeah, it's really good. The Koala Lux mattress is my vibe for the week. I've been sleeping like a queen. All right, well, let's get into the questions. Question number one. my question is how do you find your identity after becoming a mom my youngest is 12 weeks old and my oldest is only two right now and my life is just consumed with being a mom I feel a bit lost and I find myself missing who I was before I avoid mirrors when I can because I don't recognize the person looking back at me I want to be the best role model for my girls and I'm worried if

Starting point is 00:14:47 I can't find myself again I won't be able to do this for them during the labor of my second child this is for you brit during the labor of my second child i was listening to some random episodes of the podcast to take my mind off the contractions i didn't realize i still had my headphones on when i started to push and my daughter was born to the sound of britney's laugh oh my god that's your problem right there that's where it's all stemmed from i think that's where it started hang on what laugh that laugh or snort laugh probably that laugh because we edit the snort laugh out as we've established do you think that means if a baby's actually do you know what fuck it that's good luck yeah that kid's it's like getting shut on by a bird like a kookaburra

Starting point is 00:15:26 yeah we could oh yeah we could liken it to that that's gonna be good luck I think for your child congratulations that's really tough because this one's definitely probably more for you Laura I'm not a mum and I've never been through it and I know there's so many different aspects of postpartum depression and trying to find who you are again and your life completely changes I've seen that through so many people I've seen that through Laura my family I'm you know I've got so many nieces and nephews so many friends but I personally haven't experienced it firstly I think it's really important to acknowledge that so many mums feel like this like there are so many women who go through motherhood and you have two under two you have a three-month-old baby you are in

Starting point is 00:16:04 the trenches I mean they also call it the fourth trimester when you have a when you have a newborn baby and you go through those first three months I don't think we talk about the fourth trimester enough because there's almost this expectation that once the baby's out you're going to be able to get back to the way that you were and I don't know if you ever really get back to the way that you were you're a new version of yourself but that new version doesn't have to be a worse version by any means it's evolution it is but it's not just it's not just the big changes and sometimes like they're the things that we talk about like you know the that sleep is hard that managing your time is hard that you're you're touched out and you always have you know a baby or a person to

Starting point is 00:16:39 tend to the responsibilities are high but it's also the small things as well it's the getting up in the morning and not feeling like any of your clothes are right on you because you can't wear the clothes that you used to wear before you were pregnant. And you don't necessarily want to wear your maternity clothes because you're not pregnant anymore. It is a shift that takes over every part of your life. Yeah. And I remember us having that conversation, Laura. I remember back like first pregnancy, Miley, where your whole life changed. And I remember sitting down and you saying, this sounds silly, but I don't know who I am and what to wear now. I don't know what fits me. I don't know what looks right. Even though my old clothes fit me, they don't feel right anymore.

Starting point is 00:17:19 You just didn't know. And it wasn't an identity crisis as such, but I guess it was a mini one because you are trying to figure out this next chapter that you haven't ever put a foot in before. Like it's such a new experience for everyone. Yeah. And when you've had two under two, like you've probably been off work for quite some time. And so like the things that were normal from your day to day are just not normal anymore. I still look back on photos of me after Amalia and Lola were born and I'm like what am I wearing like but it was it was the only thing that kind of felt like it fit me it fits me right now it fit me right then but I don't know I just I look back on those and I don't recognize I mean not everything about that period was bad I don't

Starting point is 00:17:56 want anyone to think that this is like a motherhood slamming conversation and there were way worse things than what Laura had to wear but I look at that and I'm like what the fuck was going on like that was okay it was a that was an interesting time in the evolution of Laura Byrne it's okay it was fashion choices but I and the reason why I'm focusing on the clothes and I know that clothes makes up the smallest part of it but it's like the reason why I'm saying that is because it really does affect everything from the top down yeah I would say right now your three months postpartum give yourself so much grace like you do you're in the trenches and you do crawl out of the trenches like you do one day you'll wake up and you'll be like oh my god I I had time to like wipe my ass

Starting point is 00:18:34 without my child screaming at me today and then I was able to like go for a walk and I went to Pilates. And I think it's when you're able to start doing things for yourself and also having some moments of time that are on your own, you start to gain a little bit of sense of yourself again. And it's also really important that you have support in order for that to happen, because what can sometimes happen is that even though you might go and have your shower or go and do the things that you feel like you're doing for yourself, you might be on high alert still for when your baby's crying or for if there's a problem whereas like what i found worked really well for me is like in the mornings matt once he'd had his shower and he was all ready i would give

Starting point is 00:19:15 him lola and marley and i'd be like i'm having my shower do not interrupt me do not come to me do not i don't i do not solve the problems for an hour like that's my time for an hour there's water restrictions no like shower get ready like have an hour to yourself like if your baby's fed like you can take that time and it might not be feasible in the morning because maybe your partners got to go to work whatever that looks like but there absolutely has to be time carved out in the day where you are able to have solo time so that you can sit and have a coffee or you can call a girlfriend or do whatever it is that you want to do that's undistracted time oh she literally says here at the end thank you for bringing so much joy and laughter to this world

Starting point is 00:19:54 i've only had one night out since becoming a mom and that was to your live show in melbourne see then that's two years yeah no wonder you don't have a sense of who the hell you are Because you're not anyone right now except a mum. Except a mum. And, like, it's, I mean, I'm so glad that you spent that night coming to hang out with us. But, like, when you have two kids under two, I understand that there is a big priority but you are also still a priority

Starting point is 00:20:17 and your partner is also still a priority. You have to be able to give each other time to have moments in life which are about you as a person separate to being a parent. And maybe that means getting a babysitter if that's not able because it's too expensive maybe a friend can come and help or maybe it just means your partner steps up to the plate takes care of the kids so that you can go out with your girlfriends for dinner once a month you know that's not a big expectation you gotta cut yourself some slack and realistically you're saying you know i feel like i'm just a mom right now but that's because

Starting point is 00:20:48 you also are you have a three month old at the end of the day you are keeping a small helpless being alive like you that is your job right now as well so you are going to feel like that is all-encompassing because it is all-encompassing but you do need to be able to put that little bit of balance in I don't know if you can do it once a week once a month but definitely more than one night in two years that's that's something that you need to prioritize and I understand it's not for everyone to be able to go out once a week in your household with your children with your partner whatever it is but there's got to be something else you carve out at some stage yeah and it doesn't have to be like it doesn't have to be a night out that's not what we're suggesting

Starting point is 00:21:25 maybe a walk alone pilates it could be going for a swim like whatever that looks like for you maybe you go and you do a pilates class I don't know why I keep saying pilates but whatever it could be that with a girlfriend you know and that's the person that you hang out with but there has to be something else in your life that is beyond just being a mum for you to feel like you have a sense of identity because it's very fulfilling we love being mums kids are amazing all of that stuff but it is not the only thing that you were put on this earth to do after birthing children it's just not so I think give yourself some grace and have some big conversations with your partner around how you're feeling so that they can better support you and they can

Starting point is 00:22:05 better carry the load so that you can actually prioritize yourself a little bit all right question number two my ex and I broke up in October recently we've been reconnecting for a bit of company and casual fun last weekend I popped over to his place for just like a super chill lunch hangout which of course I don't know why that was funny I know because like you know you're gonna fuck it's just a super chill light hangout it's your ex at lunchtime you're having a lunch break you're not going over to have a ham sandwich maybe they did and then they fucked for sure well they did that's the end spoiler okay which of course eventually led to some steamy playtime it was one of those really hot days so we decided to have a shower session

Starting point is 00:22:45 things got hot and steamy and as he started touching me in all the right places with his hand things started to heat up and i said oh fuck me i don't know why that was imperative to the conversation and why i had to say it like i was there i like it though okay he replied with a cautious babe when i turned back i was hit with a shock that i'll never forget his finger was covered in a thick smear of diarrhea oh it was it was my first time experiencing such an unsexy disaster thank god you're in the shower needless to say i was mortified we quickly washed it off agreeing that we just can't come back from this one oh that's so brutal you just shit yourself and he says we can't come back from this now it's become a bit of a core memory and i can't shake it

Starting point is 00:23:31 here is my diarrhea i mean my dilemma should i put the brakes on our casual escapades or might a second round with a strategic bathroom break this time help us with a clean slate i am so confused what this question is wait can she live again i would just like to point out that i did not put this question into the run sheet britney chose solely to put this one in i thought it was a little too hectic wait you dated someone for a prolonged period of time they broke up you broke up you're now hangs and bangs and you accidentally shat on him and now she wants to know if she needs to leave it he put his finger in there see oh he stuck his finger in your ass no we don't know that His hands were down there.

Starting point is 00:24:11 She just says my hands are down there and then she got diarrhea. I think he must have put his fingers in her backside because I don't think that someone just, unless you had something going on with you, you've got to check that out. If you just accidentally shit yourself. No, because if he's put, no, because if he's put his finger up there and it's come out with poo, that's something you have to accept could happen.

Starting point is 00:24:30 If you are not prepared for it. That's its home. That's where it belongs. That's my point. It belongs there more than a finger does. That's why I think she's, exactly. That's why I think it's been an accident because that's an expectation. If you're going to go willy-nilly, no pun intended,

Starting point is 00:24:42 if you're going to go willy-nilly and put a finger up the butthole without it being prepped or talked about, then you've got to expect something to be on there. The poo lives in the butthole. I think it's fine. I think you can just laugh it off and be like, that was awkward. You don't even have to talk about it again. But him saying, like, we can't come back from this.

Starting point is 00:24:57 But they both said that. I think you can come back from it. It's your ex-boyfriend. It's fine. If it was just a hangs and bangs guy that you did not care about, I would not come back from it. I think you can come back from it. But I absolutely think you can come back from it.

Starting point is 00:25:09 I think it's not a – whatever. You were in the shower. You were right there near the soap. Wash your hand off. Yeah. No, if it's a one-nighter, you just met the guy and you shit on him, I wouldn't have gone back. I think you'd leave that one.

Starting point is 00:25:19 If you're on Tinder, block, delete. Yeah, but like this is a guy that you've dated for a considerable amount of time by the sounds of things and now you're like quite happily having hangs and bangs. And you were in the shower. And you know what? If he can't take you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best. It depends.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Because I just had so many mental images going through of what this situation could have looked like in the shower. Like imagine the diarrhea just pouring out of or down the shower. But I don't think it was that. Why did you have to take it there, Brittany? Why? Because that's where we are. I'm a visual person.

Starting point is 00:25:47 So I needed to play this scene out. I don't like the fact that. I think this is so funny. I know. I don't like the fact. I just picture him looking like this, holding his finger up, being like, we can't come back from this. And I think that's cooked.

Starting point is 00:26:00 You can come back from it. It's a bit of poop. tell him to man up yeah if he wants to have sex with you a little accident in the shower is fine but if you did just totally accidentally shit yourself like and you had no idea that you did it i really think you should probably get that checked out because that doesn't sound normal like that's not she might have gastro no but like but you also know you know one like but you know if you you know like no one okay people shot man yeah but you know you you do a shot you know like you've at some point discover you don't have someone be like hold on look at what's here

Starting point is 00:26:33 unless you have like a lack of sense or feeling and that's something that you know you experience or deal with no i don't think we have to tell she's got a health problem some people do just poop some people have a lot to this no i'm being serious some people do have loose bowels and if you're in the shower and it slipped out you're not going to feel it as much right because people when they shart and i'm not saying people i have not sharted on record but please you know i also I don't need that caveat. Everyone's sharted. No, they haven't.

Starting point is 00:27:00 That is such a blanket statement. Everyone has not sharted. But my point is people do. The reason you know you've done it is because usually you have pants on and you feel it. But if she has accidentally done that in the shower, she's not going to have known because there's water and it's loose and it's coming out. So I just think at the end of the day, hang on, just stop this. Why are you fucking your ex anyway?

Starting point is 00:27:19 You've shit on him. He's your ex. Let's move on. I don't think you actually need to go back there. Technically you can. it shouldn't be an issue but I'm just going to take this as a sign from the universe he's an ex he's in the past let's move forward and hopefully not shit on anyone even the universe is like this is shit stop doing this the universe is like what do I need to do to stop this from

Starting point is 00:27:37 happening I know you can shit on him like I think let's move on interesting question I would just like to end it with I do think you can come back from this I don't think that it's a big deal everybody goes to the toilet if he's that weird out by and wigged out by it then that says a lot more about him but also like it is easy to say that before i was getting hot and steamy and i accidentally pooed on someone's hand i would also be mortified but i would i would laugh it off i would just be like wow like that's gonna go down in history crazy that's so crazy oh my god can you believe that that just happened okay question number three please let's move on question number three i am a female married and i'm in my late 20s i've always enjoyed sex but as i've gotten

Starting point is 00:28:22 older, my sex drive has declined. This has become a point of tension in my marriage as my husband has always maintained his sex drive. In an effort to reconnect with my body and bring some excitement back into our sex life, I recently bought my first vibrator. While exploring, I made an embarrassing discovery. I've never actually orgasmed from my husband or most past partners. I've always wondered if I even could orgasm. However, I did experience it once with a previous partner, which has made this realization even more confusing. Now I've learned that I can do it myself and I don't quite know how to process that. I love my husband deeply and I know this revelation will really hurt him. I don't want him to feel inadequate, but I also want to be honest so that we can improve our

Starting point is 00:29:06 intimacy together. How do I approach the conversation? That is a very tricky discovery. It's a great discovery. Yeah, I mean, I am very pleased. Here's to lots of time on your own. no but it's a tricky discovery when you assumed that you were having orgasms or reaching like some sort of peak with your partner to then discover oh actually like that's not and potentially it's why you don't have the same sex drive and that's kind of declined because you're not actually sexually satisfied and I mean like there's probably a few ways that you can navigate this but if this was me I would not tell my partner that he's never made me orgasm I don't know if that's going to be like the right way of attacking the situation to start with especially

Starting point is 00:29:50 when he thinks he has but I would maybe have a conversation and say hey I recently bought a vibrator and I have done xyz and it's really really great and it feels really amazing is there a way that we can try and replicate that or bring it into the bedroom you know when we're having sex I would love for you to be able to like be included in that I don't know does is that offensive is that going to make him turn around and be like, what do you mean? I think that there's a way that you can include the vibrator into your relationship so that maybe you can get an O, but he can be the one facilitating it. I don't know how I feel about it because I do think you need to move forward with honesty. And I'm really thinking through this. I don't think the conversation necessarily

Starting point is 00:30:38 has to be, you've never made me orgasm. No, I think that that's too harsh. Yeah. I think the conversation can be different, but I think, I don't know how you'd navigate this without telling him the truth in a way. Now, firstly, 10 to 15% of women, so we're told by the internet, actually don't or can't orgasm. So not every single woman can. Now we have had some sexologists on before that have disputed that. There are people that say that they don't believe those facts, that everybody can learn to orgasm. So I'm not sure, but we are led to believe that there are some women and I know women in my own life that have never had an orgasm like I know people in the medical profession that have done all the research they can have tried everything and they just can't

Starting point is 00:31:18 so there are some people that can't it sounds like you thought maybe you were one of those people and then you've made this discovery like hang on maybe it just takes something a little bit different for me to get there and I think that that's an amazing discovery because your whole life is going to change now but I don't see why that can't be a conversation you can have with your partner where you've said hey sex has always been amazing with you but I think I have had a realization where I don't think I have reached my full capacity with intimacy because I did have this moment but I think that like instead of saying hey I've never had an orgasm it's like I felt something I haven't quite felt before can we discover that can we can we play with this a

Starting point is 00:31:59 little bit because if you've never introduced that stimulation before into your sex life as a couple or alone you want to know so that's not necessarily a reflection on your husband's performance your performance or anything else it's just the difference with your body and what your body needs yeah and also on that it's been i mean it's well documented that a lot of people who have vulvas can't orgasm or climax from penetrative sex right like most people can't but yeah most people can't and there are a lot of women out there who aren't able to come unless they're using vibrators. Like, I don't think that this is an unusual thing, but I don't think it should be stigmatized that that is the way that you're able to reach climax. Like you shouldn't be

Starting point is 00:32:39 penalized or punished because your partner's ego is going to be hurt. I think there has to be a way to be able to incorporate it into your sex life so that you're able to reach the same level of climax. And I don't think it should be, I mean, it's tricky because I know that we are saying it shouldn't be seen as something that should be like ego hurt, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's how it's going to play out when you have the conversation. So I do think be careful around making sure that it's an inclusive conversation around like how you can both get more enjoyment out of your sex together. But I don't think you're alone in discovering that you have a better climax when you do it to yourself with a vibrator than what you do with a partner, because like

Starting point is 00:33:22 you also control everything, you know, exactly where and what to do as you're in the midst of it. whereas like your partner's not a mind reader and doesn't have that same sort of ability or understanding a man could be the best fucker in the world and you could like he could win a competition that's like hey i'm the best lover you could still introduce a vibrator on top of that and it will be better like it doesn't have to be an ego hit and it's just that saying you don't know until you know and that's what's happened for you you haven't known until you've known now you know and he needs to know that you know that you don't know till you know there's an article from a sexologist named Tracy Cox, right? And she said that there are lots of women who

Starting point is 00:33:58 wouldn't have orgasms at all if it wasn't for the humble vibrator. And it's more about finding ways that can bring you to climax rather than expecting that your partner is the only person or only thing that would be able to do that. So like teaching them or teaching yourself another way is something that absolutely should be normalized. It's just approaching the conversation in the right way. I always think about it in reverse too. Like if my partner came to me and said, hey, I tried this sex toy. Oh, my God, sex feels 10 times better. I'd be excited by that.

Starting point is 00:34:29 I'd be like, awesome. Yeah, I think you wouldn't say sex feels 10 times better. I think you'd say it felt really intense. But that's what I mean. If my partner came to me and said this increases my feeling, that wouldn't offend me. I'd be like how cool that we found something that makes you feel better. And I understand egos are different for men and women or whatever,

Starting point is 00:34:46 but I just think it's all the way when you approach it that way. It shouldn't be, but I think it's the way you say it. It's the way you bring it to him. And if you've never used it before, you haven't known. Now you have new information and new education. You can incorporate that to your life, but definitely do not miss out on orgasms and better sex with your partner. Cause you're too worried about what he's going to think. Cause you're going to be married for another 40, 56 years. You need to live your best life. All right. Last question. Last year, I went on a uni exchange and in the last few weeks there, I met a British guy who I genuinely believe could be my person. Since then, we have kept in contact and I have met him in Bali and

Starting point is 00:35:20 again back in the UK for a few weeks later in the year. My dilemma now is that I have agreed to go on a cruise with my friend in April for contacts with this friend. She has been my best friend for a few years, but because of some things that happened last year, she now lives with my ex boyfriend of four years. And a few other people who don't run in my circles anymore. This has made our relationship a little bit challenging recently and this cruise with her entire family could really be a make or break situation for us. However, I have just found out that this is the only time in the entire year because he studies medicine and gets little holidays that my British boy would be able to come out to visit me for a few weeks. Having this cruise smack bang in the

Starting point is 00:36:04 middle of these weeks means that the trip wouldn't be worth the money for him if I'm only going to be there for half the time. So my question is how terrible of a friend am I and or will this ruin my friendship if I prioritize seeing the potential love of my life over this cruise with my best friend? Also a little bit more context. She was so excited when I told her I was going to come on the cruise and has not been overly supportive of this British man I've been obsessing over. So I really feel like me doing this would be taken very personally and I'm worried that we potentially won't fully come back from it but it also feels like if I can take the opportunity to see him then I should no one has a mirror ball I have two very different opinions it's hard because

Starting point is 00:36:50 like you because I did it yes it's no I didn't do it you didn't cancel something on me but yes no but Ben did it so okay hear me out straight up is this going to jeopardize your friendship probably yeah and you've said that we don't know that you've said that yes you have written that she was so excited she's already got to be in a bonnet about the guy she is it's going to change your friendship the only thing here is why does she live with your ex yeah that's weird the only thing is here why the fuck is she with your ex no but it would be different there's a few variables it'd be different for me if this was a holiday that they were going on as two friends and she bailed her whole family's going did i hear that right like she's on a trip with her family yes

Starting point is 00:37:27 and she's invited her friend to come yep so she's like hey i'm on this trip with my family do you want to come and you're like yeah you know what got nothing else to do sure now you do have something else to do which it's tricky because you're only leaving her where she started she never started the trip with you she was on a family trip you're going to come you're not so there I don't think she will see it like that though she won't but let hear me out this is why it's slightly different for me if you had a trip just with her you two then I would say you absolutely cannot cancel but you're talking to somebody who is marrying the person that she took a risk on a guy she met for three days and I took a risk so my my train of thought's not normal and

Starting point is 00:38:07 you guys might remember if you cast your mind back that giggle my train of thought is not normal it's true take that as a quote but if you cast your guy's mind back a couple of years in the first year that Ben and I were together there was a moment that we did talk about in the podcast but if you missed it which highly likely you did Ben had like a friend's wedding that he was invited to and it was the one time in six months that he and I could see each other because of our holidays and so we were still in the early stages of getting to know each other we were in a relationship but like you didn't know you're going to marry each other yet yeah and he ended up making a really difficult decision to see me instead it was a really tough decision

Starting point is 00:38:49 because he's like this is my friend's wedding but he's like he inside was like there is something about this girl aka me but he's like there's something about this girl and this is the way he explained it to his friend he said I think if I don't go and see this girl it could be a really bad decision he's like I really think that she's going to be a part of my future and he had a really sit down conversation and said like she's really important to me and if I don't see her now the relationship won't work because I won't see her for like a year and I didn't want him to say that I left it completely in his court and I actually felt really guilty but he's still really great friends with that person and he and I are getting married and I know that's not a normal

Starting point is 00:39:26 example but it's the first thing I thought about when you're saying I really like this guy that I've met and we might not see each other it's super tricky but I think we can't answer it because we don't know how you feel we don't know what this guy means to you but how important is your friendship because she's going to be if she's going to be upset and it's going to cancel your friendship that's a different question Ben had the conversation with his friend and they understood and they moved forward but she might not I know this is such a hard one because like Brie you are the exception 100% what you guys have experienced is not the standard you know and I think the other part of this to keep in mind is you said that this is the only time in a year I think it was

Starting point is 00:40:07 that you'd be able to see him are you going to be able to sustain a year of long distance with only two weeks together I just think that there's some big conversations to have with him first because you've obviously been to Bali to see him you've gone to the UK to see him like you are making effort and you guys are keeping in contact and everything else like you will know what is happening but I think that there should be some big conversations around like are you in a relationship together like are you actually exclusive is that what's happening yeah I just have a crush because the difference for you Brit is like you guys were exclusive at least at that point in time and obsessed you had a closed relationship you were boyfriend and girlfriend

Starting point is 00:40:44 you'd already made that commitment to each other I don't know and it doesn't to me doesn't sound like that's the case here it sounds like it's two people who are infatuated with each other and you've you know you've still got your own things going on in your lives but you haven't really had those big conversations yet so the question is potentially have those conversations with him is he serious about the relationship being a relationship about closing the relationship about looking to what the future looks like what is a bit of a plan there and if that's the case then maybe he is someone that you are okay with risking a friendship on but it does sound like you want us to tell you that it's okay to go and do this the thing is is you can do whatever you

Starting point is 00:41:25 want to but you will have the fallout from your friendship it sounds like your friend is going to take that really personally he needs to 100 you need to be together yeah this shouldn't have even i sorry i just made that assumption this shouldn't even be a conversation if you're not together i don't think they are i think that they're still for i mean who knows but it's like This is the boy that I'm obsessed with but she hasn't actually said that this is her partner who she's in a relationship with. Yeah, this is my genuine response and there is zero reason that this can't happen.

Starting point is 00:41:53 I think he comes to see you. You both go on the cruise together. They're with their family. You're with your friend. He's there. He's seen something else. No, that's weird. You can't invite him.

Starting point is 00:42:02 No, it's not fucking weird. It's a cruise ship. Sorry, this girl and her family don't own the cruise ship. It's not that though. It's about inviting your friend to come and have a holiday with you and then they've brought their new boyfriend. They're not going to spend time with you. Yes, you will.

Starting point is 00:42:15 Well, that would be what I would do. If 100%, I would say, hey, can we come on the cruise? She's got her family. She's got her whole group. There is zero reason you can't also say, hey, do you know what? This could be really cool. You can get to know a guy that's important to me. You're important to me.

Starting point is 00:42:29 There's ways to spin this. There's ways to spin this. I do not think that that will be well received by her. Family cruise. Group cruise. Hang on. Is it a nudist orgy cruise? you know those like sex cruises what kind of cruises no I think it's probably just a carnival

Starting point is 00:42:44 and they're just gonna go and have a nice little time it's probably a Disney cruise okay I don't know I don't think that you can take the boy that you barely see because you guys are just gonna want to have sex 24 hours a day like you're not gonna want to hang out with your friend's mom so like I don't think that that's gonna be a fair holiday for everyone because your friend is gonna get very jealous that you've brought this person who you want to see more than her like that's going to create a weird dynamic I don't know it goes two ways because if you were I don't want to say if you're a real friend but if you had a really close friendship close enough to go away you can have that conversation where you're like hey hey this is what's happening I really like

Starting point is 00:43:19 this guy it's the only time he can come on holiday do you reckon he can come on the cruise like it's not like you're sleeping in a bed with her she's with her family you can definitely all hang out you're adults you're not kids you cannot be in a situation where as grown women you are jealous that your friend wants to bring her partner to your family holiday. That's wild. Are you trying to tell me, honestly, that if Ben came over, if he was coming here for three weeks or two weeks or whatever and we were going away on a holiday with my family and you were like,

Starting point is 00:43:49 okay, I'm going to bring Ben on the cruise with you, that you would still prioritise time with me and my family? 100%. You'd hang out in a group. You would fuck all day long. I'd be like, where's Brie? You'd be like, oh, the reception was bad down in the drenches. But of course you'd still have.

Starting point is 00:44:03 She's still going to have her moments with her family. You're not going to, you don't want to hang out with your friends, parents and brothers and sisters for a fucking cruise, whole cruise. It's different. It's not, you're not going to a really romantic Airbnb where it's secluded on a private beach and it's just a family. It's a cruise with thousands of people, thousands of restaurants, entertainment.

Starting point is 00:44:22 It's not thousands. I don't know what cruise ships are going on. These cruise ships are humongous. They're absolutely insane. There's water parks on them. I don't think it's the biggest deal to meet in the middle and say like, I really want you to also what cool opportunity you can all still hang but you will have to make the effort to hang out with her on the cruise the reason is let me give you one more spanner as to

Starting point is 00:44:41 why that won't work because the reason why she's invited her is because she's probably got a room so they will share a bed together we don't know that was speculation judge speculation cruises sell out very quickly and it's very okay they do they do but it's also like she's probably invited her because she's got a spare like she's got the double bed and it's a twin room she's invited it because she doesn't want to be on a holiday with her family. No, but there's space for her. I doubt that she said, hey, come on this cruise and completely book yourself your own bedroom. Because if it was, that was the case. And I'd be like, sure, it's different. She's booked entirely her own room. What I'm reducing from what she said is that she's been invited because it probably

Starting point is 00:45:15 makes sense from a numbers perspective for her to have a friend there. I don't know. The only way to answer this is that you have to make a decision around what's more important. And if it's taking a punt on this relationship or it's your friendship, one of them is going to be affected by the decision that you make. And so if you are at a point where you're like, okay, I'm okay with the friendship being damaged and potentially never coming back from this, then that's the decision to make. But I think be careful because I think often relationships are not the exception that you think they are. And so you could throw away a really important friendship for someone who might not be ready to make the commitments that you are if you haven't had those conversations first.

Starting point is 00:45:51 If you think that this could be your person and you guys are together, then I think it's a different conversation because at some point you do have to prioritize yourself. You weren't going on the cruise just with your friend. She was already going with her family. You were invited as an extra to make it a bit more fun. That to me is different. But unless I know how important this person is to you, and again, I'm not normal because that's how I met the love of my life. Like my husband is this situation that you're explaining. You met someone from a different country you've become infatuated and you're falling in love and you're trying to make it work and trying to make it work as someone that's done it for two and a half years now is fucking

Starting point is 00:46:30 so hard yeah and i will never now that i've lived it i will never tell someone again oh you've only known them for four days that you don't know they mean nothing sure you've only known them for four days you don't know them but it doesn't mean they don't mean anything to you and that you don't want to make something work but if you truly think that this could be your penguin and you were trying so hard to make it work and it really is the only time of the entire year you can possibly spend any time together then I would have a sit down with my friend I wouldn't tell her I would have the conversation hey this is the predicament I found myself in I really value our friendship I think this could be my person though like I've just never felt anything like this I'm really

Starting point is 00:47:10 trying to find a way to make both work like how would you feel if I did that and if she really said to you like I wouldn't forgive you then that's something that you need to decide on your own. But I wouldn't go to her and just say, hey, I'm doing this. I'm not coming anymore. But aftermath this one, please, please let us know what happens in this because it's really tricky. The only other thing to add to it is I know you've said this is the only three weeks that he can come over here. But is there not the possibility for you to go back over there to spend time with him? And maybe he can pay for those flights. If it's about you guys being together, then it shouldn't be whether he travels here or you travel there. But yeah, I think you

Starting point is 00:47:42 absolutely should only be doing this and making these sacrifices for someone who's committed to But tell us what happens. Yes, tell us in the aftermath. And that's it from us, guys. If you have a question for us on Ask Uncut, slide into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast. You can leave us a review. You can watch it on YouTube.

Starting point is 00:47:56 All of the good stuff. And you know the drill. Say mum, say dad, tell your dog, tell your friends, and share the love because we love love. We'll be right back.

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut -My Train Of Thought Is Not Normal

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