Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Passive Aggressive 👍🏾, Big Babies & Friend Ditched Me When They Became An Influencer

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark, and your burning questions. And I wanted to kick this off by saying, firstly, we've all been in situations where we've received text messages from someone that has made us absolutely fucking irate. I'm sure we have. I came across an article recently which has done a study

Starting point is 00:00:36 on like the most infuriating text message that you could ever receive from someone and one might think it's being left on read and not getting a reply at all, but it is in fact just receiving the single letter K. I was thinking it might be a thumbs up. I feel like it sounds so fucked. Or react with a thumbs up. Like that's as pass-ag as it gets for me.

Starting point is 00:00:54 I saw this and I thought it was so interesting, not because i was like oh like we should not do this i was like you can weaponize this the next time you're in a terrible fight with that toxic ex who just sent you this long message maybe they're trying to get you back because they're a narcissist and they can't handle the fact that like there's an imbalance of power now they're going to send you this big long soppy text about how they miss you and everything else and you're just going to write back k my mom loves a k she loves it but it's not pass ag for her she just it's just her doing the most minimal response to something like confirming I've received your text and she just writes a K personally no it's like just put the

Starting point is 00:01:33 O in there it's the same amount of minimal effort no it's less rude it's actually technically double the effort I um just blew a snot bubble I uh the thumbs up trumps anything the thumbs up to me is like oh fuck like if someone gives it to me I'm like they're pissed like they are proper appears whereas K can be ambiguous because K can be like okay I've received it or it can be super aggressive but for me the thumbs up there's not a good way to ever do it it's always passive aggressive that's interesting because the thumbs up doesn't bother me oh I hate it a thumbs up to me is kind of similar to just like love hearting the message above I feel so differently I feel like the love heart because I'll send the heart react to acknowledge that I've seen something you

Starting point is 00:02:15 know like even this morning Laura you were like hey there's been roadworks I'm going to be five minutes late and I just love heart. I love heart react to it. A thumbs up feels so passive aggressive to me. I don't mean the reaction of a thumbs up. I'm happy if you react thumbs up to my text is when you actually send it. Like you send it and it's in a follow-up text. It's not the reaction. I know what you mean, but no, I am going to be on the side of this research study that is an absolute waste of time, money, and resources. But I'm going to say K. A K is far more passag than a thumbs up. I feel really grateful that now I know that you don't think a thumbs up is like passag because as my boss, I feel like that really could have been misinterpreted

Starting point is 00:02:54 by me. And I would just be sitting there writhing with anxiety being like, holy shit, what have I done? Why does she hate me? Maybe I need to stop sending thumbs up to people. You know, what's also worse is too, is like if someone has just sent you the text and you can respond immediately, is just to start typing for ages so that they can see the bubbles and then don't send anything. it just mind fuck because they'll forever think that you're sending this like really long response like oh my god what's going to be then you delete it and you they never know what it's going to be because sometimes the not knowing is worse than the knowing yeah I sometimes think about it because like you know or send it and delete it yeah that's pretty bad what did you delete but you know that

Starting point is 00:03:34 if that person's waiting on the line for like a big message to come through like I'm thinking like exes I'm thinking when you're in that text battle war stage of like a breakup they're sitting there waiting for the message to come through. So, you know, if you send it and it's been one second before you unsend it, they've seen it, you know, but this guy gets way too much airtime on this podcast. I should stop talking about my exes, but the guy I dated who displayed every quality of what you would describe in a narcissist, but obviously hasn't been diagnosed. So let's not, you know, pseudo diagnose him on here. He'd said to me that when we're at a happy point in our relationship and things were fine, I remember having a conversation with him because he was

Starting point is 00:04:08 talking about an ex and he had said that the most triggering thing you can do to a person is to just ignore them like give the silent treatment and he was describing how he went through this with his ex which should have been a red fucking flag at the time red flag playbook yeah he did and he would just say that he would just go silent just not reply and then he did it to me quite a few times when we were going through like our you know that toxic disentanglement or whatever you would call it conscious uncoupling well it wasn't even that because it was so if anyone has ever dated someone who is narcissistic and then you have like researched it and read the playbook of what narcissism looks like like there is a step-by-step playbook that that relationship

Starting point is 00:04:51 will take the stages are so clear and that was what we were going through now in hindsight I can see it but when it actually got to a point where I was like I am done now there is no coming back from this and I pulled myself away I knew that not replying to him would be the most triggering thing for him and he gave me those tools so one day I just woke up and I was like oh I get it now block and that was it but let me tell you not only did that enrage him like I ended up having to move house because he would show up my house he would show up my work he would leave things on my car like he did not take that it made him crazy it's because he lost control yeah but it is so true Sorry, you just took a real dark turn.

Starting point is 00:05:32 I had to move. So you didn't know where the fuck I lived. I've been on the receiving end of it where I'm the one trying to contact the person. Like whether it's like through a breakup or whatever and they're not responding, it sends you insane. Because you end up just, you end up looking crazy because you've got like 25 texts that they're not answering, which is not on you. But then you're like, I remember this one moment where you're like, fucking answer me. Like just answer me. And it's, they just don't.

Starting point is 00:05:58 And it is the worst thing. Like silence is power. Quote unquote, he would say no message is a message, Laura. My mum always says you cannot misinterpret silence. Yeah. I use it now as more of a like boundary. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:11 Now I'm on the other side of it. I did message Ben. I got angry about something the other day and it works better for us because we're on a different time zone. So I know he's asleep. So he's not necessarily going to see it. Did you just thumbs up him? No, this is how I know about the deleting it.

Starting point is 00:06:25 So I sent it to him. We use WhatsApp international, obviously. So I had sent him something. I was just angry. I had sent him something, put my phone down, walked away, and then I was like, it wasn't intentional. I was like, what good is this going to do? This isn't constructive to the relationship.

Starting point is 00:06:40 So I went back. You're like, I'm being a bitch. I'm being not nice. It was warranted. It was warranted. Okay, he missed the wedding meeting. Just didn't wake up for it. And it wasn't in the middle of the night.

Starting point is 00:06:53 It was 7 a.m. We set it for that time and he missed the meeting. and so I wrote a message to him that was not it wasn't aggressive but it was passive I was like it's cool it's all right you know I'll deal with it anyway like everything else it was like one of those kind of like anyway but then I went back and deleted it because I was like he's tired whatever it's not the end of the world so I deleted it and that's where I discovered because he's like what did you because it comes up on whatsapp it says message deleted yeah he was like what did you delete and I was like well nothing and he's like you obviously deleted something and

Starting point is 00:07:22 And that's the start of the conversation. And I was like, this is where the power comes from, the not knowing. But we're good, guys. We made up. So it's fine. Does Ben actually know what date the wedding is now? Has he come full circle? I did.

Starting point is 00:07:34 Brittany's organizing her own wedding for herself and we will hopefully Ben attends. I just couldn't believe he didn't. Not only did he not attend, he woke up five hours late. So I actually thought I was going to send out a wellness check. I was like, this is not normal. But he was like, I was really tired. I was like, okay, okay, babe. It's from all the wedding planning he hasn't been doing.

Starting point is 00:07:56 It's been exhausting him. It's exhausting not doing anything. No, we love him. All right. Well, look, guys, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes before we start answering your questions. Britt, what is your vibe for the week? Okay, I'm going for a product. This has got to be the makeup product I use that I'm asked the most about forever.

Starting point is 00:08:12 Like since I came into the public eye. And I've used the same thing since I was 17 years old. my foundation I always get asked what foundation I use and I swear by this foundation but it is a long wear so if you have like a huge day or you find that you put different foundations on that maybe come off or look shiny or come off in patches like sometimes they thin in different areas this is Estee Lauder double wear foundation it's called double wear because the idea is it's double the length of wear it sticks like cement it stays on like spack filler guys this thing I I can get up in the morning at 6.30, put my makeup on, work all day.

Starting point is 00:08:50 Then I can go home, go to the gym. It could be nine o'clock at night. I've had a sauna. I come out and my makeup is still on. It can't be good for clogging the pores. It obviously comes off with makeup remover. I use it almost every day when I have like a big long day or an event or something. But it is the foundation for people that do need something like for a really big long day.

Starting point is 00:09:10 Can I just say, I know you use this and I've many times have complimented you on your makeup and I have tried it and it didn't work for me. Like I feel like it's not a foundation that works for necessarily everyone. If you're someone who like quite lacks a matte finish, I feel like that's what it gives you. It's way more matte. If you like dewy like you, Keish, it's not for you.

Starting point is 00:09:28 Yeah, I'm more of a dewy foundation base and like I find it's too thick for me. I feel like I look like I have too much makeup on but it looks amazing on you. So I do think that it suits specific skin types better than others. I think also if you've got a dry skin type sometimes because I've had times where I've been on medication where my skin has gotten really dry. I still have Estee Lauder double wear for things like weddings or like if I'm going to events and that kind of thing. But I'll often put something dewy on the top of it.

Starting point is 00:09:53 But when my skin was dry, because it's a matte foundation and it is drying, it was just not the right combination. So I think if you've got like hydrated or maybe oily skin, it could be better. Personally for me, the dewy isn't it. The dewy doesn't stay for me. It wipes off. It comes off in patches.

Starting point is 00:10:10 It must just be a skin thing. I like to look like I've been dipped in oil. You do. you go for a shine. Yeah you do love a shine. Keisha what is your vibe for the week? Look it's not the most intellectual vibe but I put this on my bed a couple weeks ago I've had it for years and I just thought there's got to be people out there that are just like me. If you tell me it's the leg cooling thing or like a pregnancy pillow. Sorry the knee pillow is the best thing I've ever recommended on this podcast. I saw it at Australia Post the other day I wore it in it was right there

Starting point is 00:10:37 and I was like Keisha is haunting me. They have the best things at the post office the post office is unhinged it'll have salt and pepper next to like a neck massager I love it next to like a peter rabbit plate set like you walk in there with not knowing what you're going to walk out with I think we must go to the same post office because that's exactly what mine has it's every single one I feel like the buyer for the post office must have ADHD because I relate to that deeply uh the thing that I want to recommend this week is an electric blanket so the one I pulled out because I've had mine for a couple of years I'm pretty sure it's like the version of this one it looks almost identical this might be like the newer version

Starting point is 00:11:14 it's the classic washable electric blanket this one's from Temple and Webster it's $59.99 it has two control settings so you've got like either side of the electric blanket so you put this on top of your mattress and then if you want a mattress protector or whatever you can put that on the top as well I don't sleep with this on I know a lot of people are scared about electric blankets because they're like oh fire hazard blah blah blah I just turn it on for 15 to 20 minutes before I get into bed and it is the nicest thing just like taking off my slippers and taking off my dressing gown and getting into an already warmed bed I sleep with I slept with it last night I sleep with an electric blanket every night do you sleep with it on yep I sleep with

Starting point is 00:11:53 it on but I put half on and I keep half cold I put it on low and I probably turn it off at like 4 a.m I just put my hand down the side of the bed I'm half asleep flick it off and it's like the perfect temperature and then if you get too hot you can't do it because you share a bed but I live alone I just like roll onto the cold side it's brilliant that's really funny because Delilah slept over the other night and I slept in this spare room with her and I put it on for her and I could tell that she really enjoyed it as well so yeah if you are a bit of like a cold frog and you tend to you know when you get into bed in the middle of winter and I know it's getting colder now and it's just it takes like 10 minutes for me to stop shivering because the bed's so cold and

Starting point is 00:12:33 I'm like, just heat up already. This has completely gotten rid of that. So yeah, I really, really enjoy it. And if you are thinking that you might enjoy an electric blanket, this one's a really reasonable price. Well, very timely coming into winter. Look, my recommendation actually comes from the Facebook group and we've been talking a lot about ChatGPT recently, but I'm just going to lean in hard. So there was a thread that was quite well received in our discussion group, Laugh and Cut discussion group, if you want to go and join it. And there are so many scams that are out there these days and there are some of them that are very very hard to decipher as to whether they are or aren't scams like so good literally every day you get fucking Australia

Starting point is 00:13:10 Post or a bank scam or whatever it is it might be text message form or it could be in email form but they are getting better and better and there has definitely been times where I have even like I've read it and I've been like I think it's real and so for example for us especially we're always getting deliveries because of Tony May through FedEx or through DHL and so like I often get them which are like hey you have a DHL parcel that's waiting for you to pay customs clearance on it which I would get six or seven of those messages or emails a week through Tony May anyway and I've started receiving the scam version of that and so it's really hard to decipher what actually is a custom clearance and what isn't I know that there's loads of versions of this that's just one example

Starting point is 00:13:53 but it's one that I almost fell for recently. And somebody put in the Facebook group that what you can do now is if you get a text message that you're not sure about, copy the message or copy the email and pop it straight into ChatGPT and ask ChatGPT whether or not it is a scam. And it will be able to tell you because it will be able to see the email address, the links, the phone number, whatever it is that's been attached to that, that you've been asked to contact. It'll be able to do the research at the back end and tell you whether or not it is or isn't a scam. I just thought this was so incredibly helpful and I've used it a couple of times since I saw it in the Facebook group and there's been a couple of them that I was so close or I was like god

Starting point is 00:14:31 feels a bit iffy I'll wait until I get a follow-up from them before I actually action it and now I don't have to worry about that I just pop it in it tells me and off I go with my day so I think it's great chat GPT I've been using it for way too many things recently that's for sure it is good all right let's get into your questions question number one I started seeing a guy a few weeks ago that I was genuinely into. We met on Hinge, had been on a few dates and things were going really well. He seemed really sweet and thoughtful and he even Uber Eats to me a Panadol when I mentioned that I have a headache. The height of romance and chivalry. I know. I love that they're the things we take note of. We'd had a lot of great chats. Things were going well. Fast forward to

Starting point is 00:15:10 last week, he invited me over for a wine and pizza night. Now one thing led to another and we ended up having sex, unprotected, which I now regret, but I felt too awkward in the moment to say anything. Then, without asking or even warning, he finished inside me. I was stunned. He gave me a kiss, got dressed, and didn't bring it up at all. I just laid there in shock, pretending to fall asleep because I didn't know how to respond. The next day, he sent me a long message apologizing, completely unprompted, saying it was a split-second decision and that he instantly regretted it. Now, while I appreciate the apology, I can't shake the feeling that this is a deal-breaker. In that moment, he chose his own convenience over my autonomy and my body.

Starting point is 00:15:52 I keep going back and forth in my head. Am I overreacting? I'd love to know your thoughts because as much as I like him, I'm not sure I can come back from something like this so early on. Oh, okay. Firstly, I have a lot of feelings on this one. I want to be careful with how I say this because in no way am I trying to shift blame or to shame or anything.

Starting point is 00:16:16 But I think this is a very good lesson for all of us that it's really important to have conversations upfront about what you want and what you don't want. I hate that you said you had sex without a condom, which you then felt uncomfortable about. I hate that he's opportunistic. I hate that he didn't think about you over his own sexual gratification. I also hate that he knew it was wrong because he did it anyway and then thought about it and was like, hey, that sucked and apologized.

Starting point is 00:16:43 I get that he's apologizing. but to me I'm like well he already knew he already knew that was a problem hence why he needs to apologize to you I understand why you have the ick and if it's not something you can come back from you absolutely don't have to there's plenty more fish in the sea and there's plenty more fish in the sea who are going to be respectful enough to ask that question when they know that that is problematic yeah the biggest thing for me here is just saying that you feel too awkward in the moment to say put a condom on that is like something that we need to be talking about more like if like no woman should feel uncomfortable saying put a condom on that

Starting point is 00:17:16 should be base level obviously for things like contraception but also stis like we know it you absolutely never have to do anything and i know we've said that so many times but it still shocks me how many people feel uncomfortable in a new sexual relationship to say that they don't want to have unprotected sex like that should be like saying hey i have soy milk with my coffee. Like, hey, can you get me coffee with soy milk? Also, I don't have sex without a condom. At the end of the day here, this is completely up to you. It is your decision on how you feel and what you know about him. And if you think you could get past it, or if you think you want to get past it, knowing that it is not consensual and not okay. But you've said, I cannot

Starting point is 00:17:55 shake the feeling that this is a deal breaker. And the fact that you're uncomfortable about it happening so early on, that's what I would take from this. I would think there's plenty of fish in the sea, you already don't feel right about it. So the chance is you're never going to feel right about it. It sort of has set the tone at the beginning of a relationship of maybe what that relationship is. So I would sit in the feeling and trust your gut. If you feel like it is not right now, then the relationship is not right for you and he's not going to be the right person. That's what I think. Yeah. I come back to the fact that like, if he sent an apology the next day, he knew that it was not the right thing to do.

Starting point is 00:18:29 So it's not a case of like misinformation, not being educated. You know, sometimes there's some allowances for men not knowing the basis of what constitutes consent. And I don't think that that is a fair thing to grant him in this instance because he knew it was wrong and he apologized for it. But I don't think the apology makes up for it. I would say in my experience, and I mean, I'm not going to say how many people I've had sex with because it's irrelevant to the number, but I haven't had an experience where

Starting point is 00:18:58 a guy has not asked and they have just done it anyway and I think like considering the volume I'm pretty bloody lucky like I don't think that I've had a guy just completely ignore not give me any sign that it was going to happen and if anything just go ahead because the thing is is not only does he have to not give any sign he has to purposely not give any sign like you know when someone's coming to climax you know when someone's about to come like they give you many signals that they're enjoying themselves for you to be completely oblivious to that is to me that he's actually taken steps in disguising that so that he's able to come inside you like that's what this screams of to me I've definitely had people say like I'm gonna come like they tell you

Starting point is 00:19:40 fucking get out of me yeah but then also it's like it's a split second later like that's not enough notice do you know what I mean like usually it's they're not giving you 10 minutes notice usually they're saying it like at the point of climax yeah which also like cool you just did on a technicality but it's still not cool. Well I also want to say for anyone who's like confused because consent has been this ever-evolving conversation that we've been having over the last few years but like in terms of the definition of what it is consent must be present every time including for the duration of any sexual act and consent to one act does not mean consent is given to any other act. Giving consent to having sex without a condom does not

Starting point is 00:20:15 imply that you're giving consent to that person coming inside you. Now I know that there'll be people listening to this who are like, but what about pre-cum? You can still get pregnant and all that sort of stuff. Yes, that is true. You can. And that is a risk that clearly the person who's written in this question was maybe slightly uncomfortable with, but was willing to take. It's a very different level of risk to having someone full-blown come inside you. Like we all know that. I, for one, think if you feel uncomfortable by this, there's absolutely no reason for you, well, you feel uncomfortable as you should. There's absolutely no reason for you to pursue dating the pool is not that small there's plenty more fish in the sea and I also

Starting point is 00:20:52 think that it is an opportunity for you to go back and be like cool I appreciate the apology but I want you to know how not okay that was with me and that's the reason why I'm kind of don't want to pursue this anymore well it is the reason why I don't want to pursue this anymore because I don't want to be with someone who prioritizes their own sexual validation over my comfort on the very first time we had sex which is for me a huge red flag sometimes you just need to reread your own like your own message and I think if you go back and read what you wrote to us and think about it you literally said he chose his own convenience over my autonomy and my body yeah that in itself like if you reread that you wrote that you feel that I don't think you would

Starting point is 00:21:33 probably get past that if that's how you feel and I don't think you have to yeah and I think in future like like I said I don't want this to become about like victim blaming at all but I really hope that we get to a point where we as women feel comfortable and as men like it doesn't regardless like if you're having a sexual experience that you feel comfortable enough and not awkward quote-unquote to be able to communicate what it is that you are and aren't okay with especially with someone who you've gone on dates with you have great conversations with you are excited about seeing it's not like it was a one-night stand and things you know got fucking weird like I really do feel like this is the perfect example of a time when you should

Starting point is 00:22:11 feel completely comfortable and confident in being able to say what it is that you're okay with and And the fact that you weren't able to do that makes me think like we really need to work on self-esteem and we really need to work on why is it that we feel awkward about upsetting someone and not like laying down what it is that we want when it comes to sex and consent. Can I also just add in my little tidbit? That experience specifically of like insisting on protection being used got significantly more easy for me the more and more I did it. 100%.

Starting point is 00:22:42 it was something that I felt a little bit uncomfortable about to start with. And I know that, you know, especially when some of us are young and kind of experiencing these things for the first time, I felt like it was really awkward. And I was like, oh, you know, do you mind? Like, you know, by the end of my dating experiences, I was like, I literally remember saying, if you're not going to wear one, you can leave. Like, this is not a conversation. I'm letting you know what I'm okay with. And it just got so much easier as I kind of practiced that. But for me, and I mean, I've had sex with people with condoms, I've had sex with people without them, right?

Starting point is 00:23:16 And for me, I think it is a very clear indicator of the type of person. Because for me, if I was like, hey, put a condom on, if they badgered me or were like, I don't want to, it doesn't feel comfortable or had any sort of resistance to it, that to me was like, you're a flog, like get out of my house. And it became easier to identify. And the people who were like, hey, cool, no problem. that to me spoke volumes about the type of person that that man was I even think to extend that the ones who would bring it up with me first great guy yeah it was like I was like oh this is someone who

Starting point is 00:23:48 thinks about the future who like actually considers my needs and considers what makes me comfortable like totally I think instead of us feeling really awkward about this conversation try and flip it into I'm gaining more information about this person it's a test what type of person they are you know in my experience and I'm not an ageist and it obviously works both ways but my experience everyone that ever tried to assume or push uh no condom sex were young like the older I got in my dating relationships like like you Kish like the it was very easy for me to have those conversations as time went on but I found I never used to have them as much the older I got like I feel and I don't know what it is I don't know if it's this young mentality of I don't know

Starting point is 00:24:31 like thinking or convincing themselves as much yeah I don't think they do I really don't think they do and I know that that is I'm not letting anyone off the hook and there is zero reason now with the level of education that we have and how many people are talking about it but for me that is what I found I found the older people got the less of a conversation it was it was just like they got a condom out that's interesting because I I mean you know I met Matt when I was 31 so up until that point I was dating I don't think it necessarily changed with age for me I think it was a type of person for me I don't have memories of it being more significant when I was in my early twenties versus my early thirties. I feel as though for me specifically, it was a type of

Starting point is 00:25:09 person and it also really reflected how they viewed sex. And like, yeah, a lot of them had either watched too much porn or they had like an impression of what sex needed to be like. And it was, let me tell you, it was never enjoyable for me. So like, I think it's a pretty clear benchmark of what that person is like. I hate this one, this question, because I feel like we approached it in the start of being like, this is a tricky one to answer. It's not tricky. It's really not tricky it's pretty black and white in existence I think the thing the reason why we're like it's tricky is simply because a clear conversation could have been had up front but that doesn't take or absolve him of any of the responsibility of the things that he should have done when it

Starting point is 00:25:47 comes to consent and he absolutely crossed a line that's like is we're all in agreeance on that yeah all right question number two what do you do if an old friend who you used to talk to from time to time suddenly unfollows you on instagram after becoming an influencer Now, I went to primary school and most of high school with this person in a rural town. He was probably my first childhood crush, and after high school, he was trying to make it big through YouTube, which I supported along the way. He even messaged me saying he was so grateful for my support. Then he started posting different content, which got him really recognized.

Starting point is 00:26:19 But then he unfollowed me and a whole bunch of his other school friends. I still respond to his stories from time to time, as he is constantly smashing massive goals in life to do with his career. However, recently he's just gotten engaged, which he posted on his stories, and it makes me feel sad to think that he cut me off. I want to tell him congratulations and that I am excited for what the future brings for him, but every other reaction

Starting point is 00:26:41 to his story is just met with a thumbs up or a love heart. What should I do? I'm not sure how to move on because it comes into my mind every time I see his stories. Oh, this one's like I just feel like I need to give you some tough love. Unfollow. he he doesn't care about you like and I mean that in the nicest way possible but your opening line

Starting point is 00:27:02 was I had an old friend who I used to talk to from time to time like talking to from time to time is already very sporadic that doesn't scream that you it was a best friend like I think I would be taking this a little bit differently if you were like my best friend of forever but you only had this sporadic relationship with this person anyway and then he sounds like he's become somewhat famous, Insta famous or YouTube famous, whatever it is, his life is growing and going in one direction. And it's amazing that you're still like a supporter of that. And I think that's really cool. It sucks that he's not giving you anything back and that he's unfollowed you or whatever he's done, but we're different people when we're older, like he's engaged, he's got

Starting point is 00:27:39 a different life. I know you had a crush on him when you were a kid, but like, it's really normal to go through your followers list, who you're following and unfollow people that are not big in your life or that you for whatever the reason is like that's a really standard thing and it doesn't sound like you guys were ever really that close at the start I feel really bad saying that but I I hate that you're losing sleep because someone isn't giving you anything back when you're giving them so much love and support and this unreciprocated love or attention is really hard and it's infuriating because you're like I'm giving you so much and you're giving me nothing back but you have to listen to what he's doing and he's giving you a thumbs up we know that's

Starting point is 00:28:18 passive aggressive I would just be like I'd just be happy for him from afar like to be fair I don't think he's giving the thumbs up to be passive aggressive I just want to say that I think I think it's a reaction I think it doesn't matter that he's an influencer or not I think that people experience this in all dynamics of life right like if you were friends with someone in high school you haven't seen them for a million years and you're the only one replying to their stories they never reply to you and then one day they unfollow you fucking unfollow them like you're not friends with them anymore you guys don't have any anything you don't have nothing like you have nothing you don't have nothing you have got nothing no but you have nothing together you don't share

Starting point is 00:28:57 anything and that's okay I think the thing is is like you're torturing yourself about this friendship or you know relationship or whatever it was that existed back in the day because you're still plugged into his life he is clearly not plugged into yours and I think in these types of instances we have to take control over the things that upset us and the best way of doing that is to stop paying any attention to their life relationships have to be reciprocal and it would be different if you were like I actually am so proud of him like that's so cool that's a guy I knew from school and he's doing so well and I love keeping up to date with the stuff that he's doing and I like being a fan or supporting him that's a totally different thing that's great

Starting point is 00:29:39 like you know I would say rock on it doesn't affect your life but the fact that it upsets you that you don't get anything back from him is when I say okay well then you need to take control of the way that you feel that's not his problem that's your problem and you need to just unfollow and disengage because he doesn't owe you anything he doesn't owe you and I don't know that sounds mean and maybe I'm coming across too harsh but he does not owe you that and I think we need to accept that sometimes people move on with their lives and people live big and different and whatever it is even if you have supported him throughout his influencer journey he doesn't owe you to continue that friendship in any capacity you have to remember in this situation

Starting point is 00:30:22 and it sucks but you are getting more of his life than he's getting of yours so he obviously doesn't feel that connection it just sounds like he's grown up and moved on and that's where life evolves and it sucks but like you can still be happy for him from afar yeah and also like I mean look Instagram for some people is a job like social media is a job some people who maybe like you know he's done this hustle he's using it as a platform that's for work he probably got to a point where he did a big clean out and it sounds so mean but it is it's like a clean out of people that he followed that don't you know benefit or like do anything to this you know this job that he's created I don't know what type of influencer he is but maybe if you look through his influencer

Starting point is 00:31:04 following lists that he follows, you know, in terms of like who he is actually engaged with, it's probably the brands he works with or people who are of a similar kind of influencer or his family and very close friends. He probably has that list small. So that way his feed is curated to the stuff that he needs to and wants to see. He probably doesn't care what you ate on a Saturday or what, you know, your kids are doing or your dog's doing. So that's why he's cleaned out his list. And I know it can feel really personal when that's how we find out that someone doesn't actually care about our life because it is personal, right? Especially if it's someone who you were friends with and there hasn't been, there hasn't been a breakup. There hasn't been

Starting point is 00:31:42 a conversation about it. It's just this slow fade. And then all of a sudden a very clear indication that they don't care at all anymore because you're completely removed from their follower list. I understand that that can be hurtful. And I say that because I've experienced it myself. There's people who I was friends with from back in the day who don't follow me and I've gone to look at. I'm like, oh, wow. Okay. You don't care about my life anymore. Sure. They probably were over getting slammed by a lady and a cat to be fair. But the thing is, is like, you can't take it that personally, because if you haven't spoken to them and if your lives are not intertwined anymore, focus your energy and your thoughts on the people who matter, on the people

Starting point is 00:32:19 who are part of your core friendship group and the people who you really want to put your energy into and don't waste time on someone who is living a very different life and is clearly using this as a work avenue or anything else I just think you're going to exhaust yourself for no reason and we also do need to take the influencer thing away from this I don't think it has anything to do with that friends normal people people in a normal nine-to-five people do this all the time they unfollow people that are not that I hate the word relevant in their life so for anyone listening Yeah, it's still mean though. It's still hurtful.

Starting point is 00:32:54 It is. It's still so awkward about it. It's hard. There's so many people that I haven't seen since I was 15 years old. Or like, you know the people that when you're travelling or something and you meet them and you become best friends for two weeks and then you are literally never going to see them again in your life? I feel so mean unfollowing because I don't know, I'm too worried about the fact that

Starting point is 00:33:10 they might see that I've unfollowed and be hurt or offended by it. I think the thing is, is I don't expect that people will care. I guess maybe that's how I... I think people do care though. yeah which just means that your like your level of empathy is high and I guess because like you know those people that I met when I was traveling around Europe when I was 21 I don't think that they care if I unfollow them I think that they've moved on with their lives they're married they've got kids they're so like I'm too anxious I can't do it they're so happy I used to be like that and

Starting point is 00:33:40 I just recently because I traveled so much in my 20s I went through my list because people were popping up and I was like, who is that? I was like, no, there are people who I went onto their page and was like, I genuinely do not know who you are. And I scrolled back so far that I was like, oh, it must've been Argentina that we met up. Waited a decade. Oh, we must've matched on a hinge somewhere, wherever I've lived. And I just never went on a date with you. My lady in a cat account from Instagram, I didn't have that pre-bachelor. I had to make an Instagram page for the show because we were the first year that had to post during the season being live on air but I was the only contestant that didn't have a personal Instagram account so

Starting point is 00:34:20 I got made to open one because it would have been too obvious had I not had one and everyone else had one so I feel like I didn't have that burden of like having this big backlog because I kind of like only followed the people that were relevant but even so that Instagram page has existed for what like eight years now there's been eight years there's been people that have come into my life and gone out of my life and, like, I don't think it's necessary to hold on to every single person for fear of offending anyone. Like, if that is what's going to offend someone, then their tolerance for offence is so low.

Starting point is 00:34:52 Like, we've got to have a bit of thicker skin. Something really weird happened to me the other day. There was a girl I worked with for, like, must have been three months back in 2017, I think it was. I had not thought about her since. I have no negative feelings about her, only positive. But the other day these photos of her wedding popped up And I was like, who's that?

Starting point is 00:35:11 And I was like, oh, that person. Oh, they got married. I don't need to be following her. Then I was like, I can't unfollow her after her wedding photos because otherwise she's going to see her follow count go down. And that's like the most awful reason to unfollow someone. But I don't know. Like, do you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:35:27 I just feel like there is a bit of social etiquette or there's some type of connection of like whether you care about that person still. And I know it's not real, but I'm just too scared to offend anyone. But then you're also assuming that people sit at home. Some people have those accounts though. Some people do. Yeah, but then, okay, if you have that account, can it? You do not need to be notified if Joe Blow from down the street

Starting point is 00:35:52 or 10 years ago unfollows you. Anybody that has an account that notifies them when there is an unfollow is wild to me. There is nothing beneficial that can come from that. Yeah, it's like you're torturing yourself. Like that's crazy that people want to know when there is an unfollow. Yeah, but people do. it's I mean yeah it's I think that that's a very real thing people do track their accounts and they

Starting point is 00:36:11 know who they've got in their follower list and take it off that's my vibe yeah I think it's I think it's really bad for your mental health but Keisha I do agree with you this idea of a social etiquette I absolutely think it exists and I also think you know just to be a bit softer on the person who's written this question in for a second the reason why you feel so shit about it is because you were supporting all throughout their climb in their success and now it feels like they've reach success and they don't need you anymore and I understand why that would feel kind of crushing and a bit shit but I guess the thing is is you have control over the way that you feel and if you're getting nothing out of this person stop putting your energy into them and that is kind

Starting point is 00:36:50 of what I mean by unfollow and take some accountability in this because unless it is causing you no distress to continue to support from afar and be a fan then I think the alternative it's just not worth the mental strain and so unfollow get on with your life and like know that they're off they're doing their thing as well I think that one more thing about that is that it sounds as though you were really supportive and encouraging of them and you did that because maybe you were friends back in the day and you thought that you were just being a really encouraging friend and so it actually is quite hurtful to be like oh I was a cheerleader for you and then you're telling me through this mechanism that I don't mean enough to you to still be in

Starting point is 00:37:28 your follow list like that's actually quite a hurtful thing I can understand why you're hurt by that if you've championed them and you had a friendship you know once upon a time but I agree with everything else you guys but also do you think like Hugh Jackman still has he's following every single person from school who watched one of his movies you know or like you know told him that he was doing a good job I doubt it I think people move people move through life and they move through phases of life and maybe it isn't the nicest thing but I do think we have to take some responsibility as well guys taylor swift doesn't follow anyone she's got 281 million followers it doesn't mean anything she's got important people in her life she doesn't even

Starting point is 00:38:04 follow travis kelsey got a fake account i reckon she yeah i reckon she had friends at school as well she's got best friends she doesn't follow them i think it's okay okay this question was titled big baby this could be anything i have a two and a half year old daughter who has always being a quote big baby she was 4.3 kilos at birth and in the 95th percentile for height weight and head when she was little now she wears a size four okay so she's two and a half in a size four I honestly don't even notice it except when I pick her up sometimes and she's a healthy and happy child however friends family and strangers comment on her size all the time like wow she's so big oh my god she's huge constantly comparing her height to their children etc i've even had

Starting point is 00:38:54 this being tall is okay but you also have to be really skinny otherwise it's not attractive that's cooked whoever said that is absolutely cool it's also not true so tell them shut up totally dickhead i guess my question is when the hell did we become okay with commenting on a child's size and weight and how do i respond my partner and i do sometimes make jokes about the sides of her head so we can take a joke this is my point but sometimes it goes too far I love this question because I read this and I was like oh I'm guilty of doing this so am I yeah and I think it's because we think that when they're babies it causes no harm like I think we're like well they don't understand their arm from their elbow or their elbow from their ass

Starting point is 00:39:36 like me being like whoa that's a huge baby is not gonna upset the baby because the baby doesn't know But the thing is, is there is a cognitive switch that happens at some point with kids where they start to know and they start to understand. And so like, when does that happen? Because we all know that like body image and especially in girls, like that is created so young and this repetitive messaging around like, wow, that's a really big baby or really big child. Two and a half, that kid understands now, that kid understands that they're big, you

Starting point is 00:40:07 know, and as that child hits three, they're absolutely going to understand that they're being told that they're big constantly so I would say yeah I understand why you're at a point now where you're like hey I think it's gone on too far and also I don't think it's acceptable I think people don't have an issue with talking about children like baby babies in terms of size because it is I guess the thing is is like before a baby's even born the conversation around measurement is a constant throughout baby development right like you're constantly having your navel measured and them being told that what percentile the child is like Lola was in the 99 percentile for her head when she was born and we used to call her melon head there came a point where we stopped calling

Starting point is 00:40:50 her melon head because we were like well the poor girl's gonna know that we're talking about her as though she's got a melon she is still a really big kid in comparison to Marley like if they're side by side they wear the exact same size clothes they are comparative in sizes and Marley is almost two years older than well she's not she's one year older than Lola but I do think there comes a time where it's not acceptable and maybe it shouldn't actually be acceptable at all but I think it's probably a hard thing to stop people from commenting when babies are really little but at 2.5 I actually think you can start saying oh you know what we don't talk about weight we don't comment on size to family and friends who it has become so normal to because I think it is

Starting point is 00:41:30 at a point now where your little daughter is going to be able to register what is being said about her. I absolutely do this. I do this all the time. I do it to my nephew. My nephew is like a giant baby. He's a really big, tall baby. Like he's the size of a five-year-old and he's two and a bit. And I think the reason that people think it's okay to say it is because whilst there is a correlation between how big you are as a baby and what you end up as an adult, it is not a direct or absolute predictor of how big you are. You can be a giant baby. You can be like a little sumo wrestler and grow up to be the smallest thing like there is no direct and absolute correlation and I think that that is why people are more lenient with making comments on babies

Starting point is 00:42:12 because it doesn't mean as much like it's not with offense some babies are born with more fat Sherry's baby Maya's best friend like as a six month old was born twice the size of Maya like the difference is huge but that doesn't mean that they're going to grow up and be like that so I think that's that's why people have more leeway with it but if you're uncomfortable with it you can absolutely say something I mean I'm not in a position I can't comment from experience I imagine I probably wouldn't care that much until the child can start to understand like as a newborn I think it's okay kids are born with fat kids some kids are born scrawny but if you think that your child is starting to understand you absolutely say something like that is imperative like the way

Starting point is 00:42:56 that your child starts to consume information is going to set them up for the rest of their lives. Do you know what? Like when I say like I love this question, it's because like I do recognise that I have a bias to this. But then the more that I think about it, the more I'm like actually it's pretty fucking cooked that we're so fine with pointing out weight in kids because I know that we can come up with reasons as to why it's fine

Starting point is 00:43:17 and why like it's not a big deal, they're a baby, it doesn't matter. But we live in a society where diet culture is so ingrained in every single facet like from like literally from the time that kids even understand we dress some of it up as like you know too much sugar or too much this or more exercise or less of this but diet culture permeates everything in our society and I guess the thing is is you would think that as a baby they should be off limits but we are pretty lax with commenting on babies because we think that we can get away with it in the same way that I think people are okay with commenting on pregnant women's bodies because they think it's okay because, well, you're supposed to be

Starting point is 00:43:55 big because you're pregnant. Yeah. But I think we're going to live in a sad world. I understand what you're saying, but if the day comes that you can't go to a little baby and be like, look at these adorable rolls, look at these leg rolls. They're so cute. If that day comes, I think we're living in a world that is too censored. Like it is okay to look at a little baby that has these fresh, cute, little, adorable rolls because it's not indicative of anything. And it makes you want to eat them because they're so cute like I just feel like we're trying we're getting to a time of life where we're too offended over everything and I'm not talking about a kid I'm not talking about a child that's running around I'm talking about a newborn I guess what I'm saying though

Starting point is 00:44:32 is Brit is I'm not talking about those examples of like you know adoring a newborn baby that might be a chubby baby I'm talking about the instances where someone has a child who is like statistically a very big kid and hearing things like, oh my God, she's huge for her age. And that following them through to a time of like absolutely having the cognition to understand. And I guess the thing is, is like, there has to be an age where that is no longer appropriate. And that age is not set in stone because we all know that we've got people in our lives or strangers who don't have the same social benchmarks or aren't able to like read a room in a way that's appropriate. And so like if a little kid's receiving this messaging over and over and over, maybe it is something

Starting point is 00:45:12 that becomes problematic or it is something that we should just think about and be like why am I commenting on this two and a half year old size it's irrelevant it's not really a conversation starter it's not something that this mum hasn't heard 300 fucking times before why am I doing it and I know I mentioned it just before but it was something that I learned pre having my own babies and I remember a girlfriend of mine Cass she came over I think I must have been in my early 20s and she was pregnant she's one of my sister's friends and she's really really little and she was you know in her last weeks of pregnancy she was very heavily pregnant and it was probably the first time I'd really seen someone who I'd been friends with who was at 40 weeks

Starting point is 00:45:52 pregnant and I remember being like oh my god you are huge and she was so offended and I didn't understand why she was offended because in my mind at the time I was like you're pregnant you're supposed to be huge that's like like part and parcel point a point b it would be weird if you weren't but she was really upset and offended by it now being 39 having kids myself understanding that like it is not a linear thing people have their own feelings about their bodies I now know that was a totally fucking inappropriate thing to say I would never say to a pregnant woman oh my god you're huge now because it's absolutely irresponsible to comment on someone's body so maybe it's the same lens that we should think about with kids I'm not saying that they

Starting point is 00:46:34 have the same ability to process it and maybe we are being oversensitive whatever but also it's unnecessary is what I feel I don't know I genuinely had never thought about it before and I kind of like that this made me think yeah why do we feel so fine with commenting on little kids bodies and it is kind of weird that it's something that's become so socially acceptable when we know we wouldn't do it to anyone else I think you can pull people up on it that you know what it'll you'll feel really uncomfortable doing it the first few times let me tell you they're going to feel way more uncomfortable and it's going to be a really quick way of stopping those conversations just saying oh we don't talk about weight or you know what we don't talk about size and that's all you

Starting point is 00:47:13 have to say and then that person's going to shut the fuck up and never mention it again I feel like this conversation has done exactly that for me yeah because I would have done this I just think it's something that people I don't know if we're being trained to say it or if we just think it's okay but now I it's completely changed my perspective on it now I won't say that to people same and most people probably aren't offended by it but the thing is is we're making the assumption that it's not offensive and for some people it obviously is and yeah like I mean if people now were like wow Lola's got a huge head in front of her I'd tell them to shut up like because she's too old she's so old that she gets it you know like she doesn't need to hear that stuff yeah

Starting point is 00:47:49 anyway okay sorry that we really I went on a journey with that one all right last question My friend wants to bring her daughter instead of her husband to our wedding. We were meant to be married on March 7th on the Gold Coast, but due to Cyclone Alfred, our wedding was swept away. We have lost $35,000 and we are now in a legal battle with the venue and caterers. Don't even get me started on that. Due to everything that's happened, we have decided to have a bit more of a low-key wedding in Melbourne, as that is where I am from and most of my friends and family are there.

Starting point is 00:48:22 Anyway, I have two close workmates I invited to the wedding. to be respectful I also invited their husbands even though I don't know them very well one of them is coming along solo the other one has asked if she can bring her 18 year old daughter instead of her husband and I've got to ask you what would you do if you're in this situation firstly I want to say you have given so many details that there's a good chance they're going to hear this and know that that's them so I just want to warn you that dear god I hope that when we answer this question they're listening it's okay it doesn't matter she's already said no. So it's fine. She said no. And she wants to know if she did the right thing and what we would

Starting point is 00:48:56 do. I think you did the right thing. People are taking the piss with weddings these days. At the end of the day, it's not a 40th birthday where you're like, Hey, do you mind if I bring my daughter? You're like, yeah, cool. Whatever. This is your wedding. Your most special day with all the people that you love. Like, and it's bloody expensive. You've already lost money. If you can save on a one per person per head, but you don't want to look around. And this is what I've had to try and I've had this discussion with Ben. You don't want to look around at your wedding and not even know who people are. You don't want to look at someone and you're like, who is that? Why are they here? I felt like that about partners. Like we were pretty brutal on our

Starting point is 00:49:33 invite list. We invited friends, but didn't invite their partners if we didn't know their partners. And my benchmark for that was if you have been in my life for X amount of years, but I have never met your partner they're not invited and one of them it caused an issue with one friend because it was a partner that I mean they had a kid with them so like that was pretty brutal to not invite them but my thing was well I hadn't seen them in almost two years firstly so like they I felt like they were lucky to be on the invite list which sounds I'm gonna rephrase that because they're not lucky to be on the invite list but I was like well you're not at the top of my invite list because you've not put in any effort in the past two years I haven't seen you

Starting point is 00:50:12 yes you might be in a relationship yes you might have had a kid in that time but you have not made any attempts for us to be a part of that part of your life and you're absolutely welcome to come but we don't want people here that we don't know our rule was so long as one of us knew then it was fine but if we both didn't know someone they weren't invited and that was the rule and so that rule was applied to everyone across the board I think for this instance and like to answer So something very like simply, invites to weddings are non-transferable. That needs to be the rule. It should be implied.

Starting point is 00:50:47 It's not. Put it on your invites from now on. If you've got a name on there, you can just say invitations are non-transferable. That's it. It's not like Tixel, is it? Like you can't resell the invitation. Don't invite other people to people's weddings. It's rude.

Starting point is 00:50:59 Yeah, we've done the same thing. It's tricky with Ben and I because there's loads of people in our lives that we don't know of each other because we live in different countries. So we've had to bend the rules a little bit, but we, we generally have exactly the same blanket rule that you just said. I'll be meeting a lot of Ben's people for the first time and he'll be meeting a lot of mine for the first time, but as long as, as long as one of us knows them, it's okay. But there have been a few people where like, just say it's my person, like my friend or

Starting point is 00:51:27 family member. And I haven't even met their, like Ben hasn't met them, but I haven't even met their partner. So both of us don't know them, then they're not coming. I think that the reason why yours is slightly different, Britt, and I feel maybe a little bit differently around the rules is because it's an overseas wedding. And I think when you have people traveling, most people, obviously it costs a lot of money to go overseas. People couple it as a holiday. So they usually take their significant other on holiday with them, which would require them to just sit at home at the villa or whatever. It depends on how many days the wedding is.

Starting point is 00:51:57 It depends on lots of things. I went to one wedding with my ex. It's the only wedding I've been to where I didn't know both people. And it was in Canada. I flew to Canada with him we were on holidays and I was invited to the wedding because he was like well I'm not gonna fly there by myself and you not come and and that was why I got the invite did I expect it absolutely not was it so polite and kind that they invited me totally our wedding was local it was not a big travel wedding yes it was like a couple of hours down

Starting point is 00:52:24 the coast but it was relatively local and I don't think it's a big expectation to say we don't want people at our wedding that we don't know I think that that is a lot of people feel the same I do also think it's different it depends uh how close you are to the person like and i hate to say their rank but a lot of people say when you do a wedding list no they do this is like you rate them yeah this is proper wedding advice it's well it's not ranking of like your favorite people but it's ranking of the most important like when you write your invite list you technically are supposed to start from your inner circle what category were we we better just made the cut you just if i was d Do you give them all wristbands so they know where they sat?

Starting point is 00:53:05 You get cocktails, you'll just be wine and spirits. It's what they genuinely suggest is that you start from your inner circle when you're writing your list so that if all of a sudden something happens, if you have a hundred people on the list and you know that your venue only allows 90, I hate to say it, but you go to the bottom and you work back up. But if so, if you're like Keisha, if you had just started dating someone and I didn't know who they were, or not even just, just hypothetically, you've been dating them for a year and I don't know who they are.

Starting point is 00:53:30 I would let you bring them because you are my inner circle and I think that that's different. Whereas if it's a long-lost auntie who you're inviting because they're family but you don't really see them and they want to bring someone you've never met, it's just different. The other factor that I think is important here, you said anyway I have two close workmates.

Starting point is 00:53:48 They already know someone who's there. It would be different if the person you would have invited was the only person from your work, they didn't know a single person and now that the wedding is in Melbourne instead, they're not going to know anyone there and they're asking hey my husband can't come but can I bring my daughter you know that would maybe be a little bit different but they know someone who's there they'll be fine I agree with both of you you did the right thing absolutely non-transferable it's so fine anyway guys that is it from us if you have

Starting point is 00:54:15 any questions for ask uncut and you want to slide on into the dms do so because we might answer it on next week's episode also join the discussion group life uncut discussion group we've got YouTube, it looks fire. There's so many ways to kind of get into the Life Uncut vortex. Also, if you love the episodes or you enjoy it every week, go and leave a review if you haven't already, whether that be on Spotify or on – I don't think you can leave a review on Spotify.

Starting point is 00:54:39 I think you can just comment on the episodes. You can leave stars. Star us, Biatch. Please. I'm so sorry I said that. I am embarrassed by myself. Just review. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:54:48 I'm not cutting that. I hate myself. Okay, on that note, Biatchos. Laura out I'm out see you later guys ciao tell your mom

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Passive Aggressive 👍🏾, Big Babies & Friend Ditched Me When They Became An Influencer

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