Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Prudes, fertility and no you can't have a plus one

Starting point is 00:00:00 A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. My name's Laura. And I'm Brittany.

Starting point is 00:00:47 And here we are again, answering all of your deep, your dark, and your burning questions, because this is Ask Uncut, our favorite. Actually, it's a lie. We like them all. I was going to say this is our favorite episode. Everything to you is a special episode. a favorite moment, a favorite segment. But every so often my mouth is speaking. My brain hasn't actually registered the words that my mouth is saying. And I just keep going. Can we just talk

Starting point is 00:01:08 about what I'm sitting in for a moment? You are wearing an Udi back to front, which is an interesting, an interesting take. I literally, I'm going to be very, very raw and open and honest here with everybody. I sat there in the lounge as we were getting ready for this episode. And I just had one of those moments. I know we all have them where you just feel so shitty about yourself you're like what is wrong with me you know the whole woe is me moment and then in that moment whilst she was having a cuddle and we were having a cuddle and she was having you know it was this emotional little moment she put on a hoodie and then we walked in here and we were gonna pretend like that never happened I didn't know it was on backwards except then I looked at Brit

Starting point is 00:01:46 and she's sitting here with still with a bit of smudge mascara and her hoodie on back to front with the hood just hanging underneath her neck which kind of makes it look like it's a cow neck well I do love a turtleneck I didn't know I had it on backwards but this morning Laura again I want to say something else okay before we get into that like I mean obviously we've just we've addressed the fact that you know you're not feeling 100% right now but like are you okay I'm like let's just brush over let's power on through fuck my personal trauma I feel like that's how I always deal with life though isn't it I give myself like two seconds no okay a I must be that time of the month because i'm highly emotional so i'm gonna go with that option we

Starting point is 00:02:27 did also do our very last recording this morning for the audio book of we love love and brit got to the very end like a solid trooper and only started crying in the thank yous but then really started to cry so the way it works right is laura has done all her audio recordings for her chapters separately on her own and then i went and did all my audio recordings on my own and then obviously there's a bunch of joint chapters where we've written them together. We went and did those today. Once I'd finished all my chapters, Laura messaged me. She said, how many times did you cry today? She's like, oh, the poor audio guy. I can't stop. I was crying so many times. And I was like, I didn't cry once. I think I've gone back to being a bit of a sociopath. Like those emotions

Starting point is 00:03:09 are gone. But today I realized I'm not a sociopath. I'm crying again. Cause you're getting your period. I feel like this is a plus for me. I want to say though, for anybody who hasn't yet, I know we've spoken about the book quite a lot because we love love it's the book that Britt and I wrote together it's coming out on the 5th of October so we've been doing pre-sales for a little while on that but we have everybody covered you can get onto pre-sale and you can buy a copy of your book which we highly recommend doing so that you don't miss out you can get that from lifeuncutpodcast.com.au but if you're somebody who only listens to audiobooks there will also be an audio version of the book available soon and it's like Britt and I reading you a bedtime story

Starting point is 00:03:48 late at night so why don't let's talk about one little tiny part what was I guess the main thing that made you cry while you're recording this because you did message me twice saying you had two big pretty like I don't want to say breakdowns but like two moments where you had to stop and compose yourself I mean I cry a lot these days to be fair like I'm a big crier but there were two parts uh two of my personal anecdotes things that I haven't shared on the podcast yet which were like my big teary moments where I had to and I was like this is gonna sound really bad for anyone listening so we had to stop and restart the first one was which is kind of annoying that it's at the very start of the book falls under a so it's like the first few pages

Starting point is 00:04:29 it's about my upbringing with my stepdad so when I was growing up my mum remarried when I was about five years old five or six and that was her second husband and he was really like just a he was a really bad guy and it was a really bad time in all of our lives. So I've not really spoken about that on the pod. And the reason for that is because I have always been so fucking scared of being misquoted and things that I say being taken out of context and ending up in the media. And, you know, we all know that when you say something and then it's written down, it can sound very different. So I guess with the book, I felt like it gave me an opportunity to really say how I felt, put it into words and it can't be misquoted. So I felt a bit safer

Starting point is 00:05:11 doing it there and then the other part which was actually it was a really big deal for me we spoke about it recently when we did uh the episode around Roe v Wade and the changes in legislation but I spoke about how you know my journey towards being a mother and my my motherhood and fertility journey hasn't been a linear one and how I had an abortion in my 20s but I kind of go into a bit more detail around that and that was really emotional for me because I hadn't really told anyone and I haven't told my mom. And so it was like, I had to tell all the people close to me, but then also now the rest of Australia. So there's, there's a few really personal stories that are in the book, which you guys haven't heard yet on the podcast. You're ripping some

Starting point is 00:05:50 band-aids off. Yeah. And in a big way. So look, I mean, just go, just go get yourself a pre-order copy. Okay. It is lifeuncutpodcast.com.au. You can get it from there. And look, when I say I didn't cry, that is because I did have to stop and take some moments, but within myself, I was like, you are not going to cry anymore about this. So like the poor audio guy, I was like, I just need a minute. And I looked like I just turned around the audio room, right? It's like this tiny little box room. You face the wall as it is so that you don't get distracted. I turned and sat like in the corner. So I couldn't see anything but two walls. That's it. And I just, cause I was like, I can't look at anything. I can't have anyone looking at me. Cause you know, when someone's

Starting point is 00:06:27 eyes are on you, when you're emotional, it's confronting, but like these audio people, we've never met them before at all. And we're like unveiling our deepest, darkest secrets to them totally but we've been writing this over 18 months so for me I was writing this when I fell in love with Jordan and had like the happiest time of my life and I was writing it when I was curled up on the floor crying going through like what I physically still makes me sick what I think was like one of the worst moments of my life and see look now I cry I am emotional I'm doing right now periods but like it's it has been such a journey that Laura and I we have put down things we haven't spoken about before and I think the reason I cried at the end today Laura is because

Starting point is 00:07:07 it was the end like that was the last thing that we have had to do to get this book out into the world like it was literally closing the last chapter and they're pun intended and it was just a really good overwhelming feeling we're something we're really proud of and we can't wait if you guys get your hands on it yeah I guess I just want to say one more thing in and about this it's like I know that we've just touched on like the heavier parts of the book and there are definitely even more than that but there also are some really funny and light and fun and silly things as well so we really hope that you guys love it so this morning laura i got up went to the coffee shop took my dog for a walk and i didn't know the girl behind the counter and i said hey can i just get

Starting point is 00:07:49 a soy cap and then i was like actually do you know what i'll have an almond cap And she goes, oh, coffee snob like Laura, are you? She goes, I know that Laura shops around for her soy milk. And I started laughing and I was like, that actually wasn't even the reason. I just couldn't decide if I wanted it. The amount of people who have messaged me to tell me that they're soy milk drinkers and they're also just a complete soy. I'm not like, I'm not a coffee snob.

Starting point is 00:08:13 I'm a milk snob. What's the one milk you'll have? Nah, I don't want to, I don't want to brand shame. I'm going to get on here and brand shame different kinds of milk. But there is one milk out there I won't drink. and I'm not going to brand shame them but it's like can't do it would you ever just go up to a coffee shop and do an order without asking would you ever risk it for the biscuit nah not worth it you'd never do that I'd rather drink piss than drink this flavor milk

Starting point is 00:08:37 anyway well something I wanted to tell you about so we are getting closer closer to the day of our wedding and we've yours and mine or just of when you and I get married pretty hardly no of Matt and my wedding matt and my wedding is that is that is that grammatically correct who fucking cares matt's wedding my wedding yeah together wedding so yesterday was actually our five-year anniversary from when our episode was on tv we both forgot about it but thank you to everyone who follows us who sent us a reminder it's really nice to be reminded of our own anniversary like worst friend forgot it totally so we forgot it as well it's fine five years we didn't really waste any time did we since we've got a three and a half year old well anyway the wedding is coming up and it

Starting point is 00:09:18 very soon but recently we locked in the artist like the acoustic duo who are going to sing for us as I walk down the aisle you know she's gonna they're gonna serenade us as we really left that to the last minute if we just locked in but I started following her on Instagram this week and she had attended another wedding where they were singing at this wedding this is just a local wedding in Sydney they attended the wedding and she posted in her stories just a really minor a mistake that the bride and groom made on the menu which i found so fucking hilarious so there's 150 people at this wedding not a small wedding 100 big wedding 150 menus that got printed and on the menu it said dick liver pate what kind of animals dick was it

Starting point is 00:10:01 instead of just a very unfortunate typo error instead of duck liver pate are we sure it was a typo everybody even nana grandma k is enjoying a bit of dick liver pate tonight i mean is there such thing as dick liver unless it is the willy of an animal that is put together with a liver i mean how do they make dick liver do they uh do they engorge the dick until it's so big it's about to burst and then make pate out of it laura don't i'm not the chef don't look at me i'm just saying it might not be that far left field all right well let's get into answering all of your deep your dark and your burning questions hit it off what have you got for me i love that you throw it to me and it's because you don't even have the questions in front of you. No, because you've got

Starting point is 00:10:42 to give it to me in a second. All right. Okay. Question number one. Gals, I have another question for you. I think we answered one of these questions. I've just gotten back into the dating world following a pretty big breakup and have been going on a few first dates and having a lot of fun. However, I'm starting to get a bit stressed about seeing multiple people at the same time and feeling a bit judged by some of the people around me. For example, my housemate brought it up with me and said something like, I never could date someone without seeing it go long-term. So basically she couldn't have a casual thing. And then also asking how many people I'm seeing at one time, but with a bit of a judgment to her voice. I have been honest and upfront with

Starting point is 00:11:26 the people I've been seeing and I've told them I've gotten out of a relationship recently and I'm not necessarily looking for anything serious, but I can't help but feel like a bit of a scheming sex fiend I'm enjoying the company of people but is there such a thing as dating too many people at the same time I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing here no there is nothing wrong with dating multiple people at once how many people can you date at one time I mean how long is a piece of string how many days a week are there no you could go on more you could go on two dates a day if you wanted to you could go on a lunch date and a dinner date you could go on a breakfast date lunch date and a dinner date that sounds very exhausting it's I mean like I mean

Starting point is 00:12:04 yes you could do it like literally you could do it but who would want to but there's if you're being honest and I love this right you've been in a long-term relationship and you know right now that you just want to go back out and put your feet in the waters you want to test it out you want to see different people that's okay and the best thing about what you're doing is that you're not deceiving anyone you're being really honest with everyone that's coming into your life like it's one thing if you're seeing someone and they think they're in some sort of a serious relationship with you but you're not honest with them and you're seeing other people that's a different kettle of fish but at the end of the day there are no rules and if you're happy doing what you're

Starting point is 00:12:44 doing then that is literally all that matters it does not matter what your friends or your family or strangers or anyone else thinks about you i mean i think there's some rules okay no just that you're being honest not in terms of volume of people that you're dating yes but in terms of honesty. But also I do kind of think, I think that there are a couple of rules and maybe they're just like loose things that I followed in the past. If you're not looking for anything serious at all, obviously being super transparent that you're not after anything serious, but if the person that you're dating, so say you're dating like 10 people at the same time, that's a fucking lot. Let's say you're dating four people at the same time. If you know that one of those people

Starting point is 00:13:20 has been clear with you that they want something, they're after a relationship. And even though you've said you don't want a relationship, I think cut that person loose. Cause what's the point in them investing, hoping that you're going to change their mind, blah, blah, blah. Like there's just no point in kind of having a casual thing with someone whose needs and wants don't align with yours. I think it can only be a recipe for disaster unless they've also made it pretty clear that they're happy with hangs and bangs and they want a long-term relationship, but not with you. The other thing I think in this is like, I actually think it's beneficial to date multiple people because when you put all your eggs in one basket, you can become so invested in that person

Starting point is 00:13:59 really, really quickly. And if you listen to our episode that was on Tuesday, it can be a bad thing to become too invested too quickly before you actually know a person well enough. And it means that, you know, you can get so far down the rabbit hole that if they start doing things or displaying characteristics, or even if their values don't align with yours, it's harder to extract yourself and keep a clear head around the relationship so I always think like keeping it casual and dating multiple people kind of gives you a bit of a better perspective on things as well yeah and I like I say all this I don't think I've probably ever dated I reckon the most I went on in one week was three dates I reckon that is it I wish I could be the person that does five six dates a

Starting point is 00:14:39 week I wish I could line them all up but I can't you would also need to be jobless to do that you'd have to have so much time so much energy and like i feel like energy is something that is you know hard to come by these days but i can't find five people that i want to go on a date with that's my problem okay i have another question for you though if you could find five people that you wanted to go on a date with say they were all great you wanted to bang them all when did the rules come into play in terms of how many people can you date if you're being sexually active with multiple because like I think by the way that this message was framed is that they're just casually dating like it hasn't turned sexual yet but if it is sexual do you think that there

Starting point is 00:15:21 are rules that come into play then well I think the same rules apply in terms of you need I mean you don't need but you probably should be letting your other partners know that like you're pretty sexually active if you're having unprotected sex because that is something that I think should be discussed and that two people in a situation need to understand and need to have all the information so that they can decide if they also want to have unprotected sex with you that's a conversation you two need to have together but I think if you're just dating if you date someone on Monday night have sex with them but you're seeing someone else on Wednesday night you have sex with them you don't have to tell the person on Wednesday night that you had sex on Monday night like you

Starting point is 00:16:01 don't have to be like just so you know I did bang someone on Monday night and I'm probably gonna do it again tomorrow night like that that conversation for me doesn't exist unless you start to get more serious with someone and they think that they're in this situation or relationship with you yeah and I guess like it is just keeping it honest and transparent because like okay when you put it like that I totally agree with you Brit like you don't have to bring someone over and be like just letting you know you are not the only one this week but I do think that when things turn sexual especially if you are heading into situationship territory there is an onus to be a bit more honest in terms of like what your intention is because that's when people can get really hurt and it's not

Starting point is 00:16:39 necessary it's not that you have to do it it's not that you owe someone something it's not that they owe you anything it's just like a fucking nice thing to do so that someone doesn't invest and get emotionally attached to you thinking that you know you're going to run off into the sunset and have babies together when you're actually kind of into a guy named frank who lives down the road you'll be boning him on monday totally bone frank whenever you want he's convenient he's down the own don't feel bad i don't know if that was my advice for sure god frank's a lucky man i think the answer to that one is simply don't let your friends make you feel guilty for having a good time no there's a high chance your friends are probably in a long-term relationship and are

Starting point is 00:17:13 jealous and you are getting lucky he's a prude that's what she is your friends are no don't say that she might not be approved she's a pretty prude prude all right not getting as good a sex as you are question number two my new girlfriend four months in comes from a conservative family but isn't really that conservative herself her parents are supporters of the whole no sex before marriage thing we are going on a trip to visit my family in a few weeks and her parents want us to stay in different rooms when we are there my parents are very relaxed and happy for us to stay in the same bed they truly couldn't care less i haven't met her parents yet but my girlfriend wants me to lie to them if it comes up when we meet saying that whenever we have been on a trip together or

Starting point is 00:17:54 whenever we stay at each other's house we stay in a different room to what extent should i go with a lie even though it makes me feel uncomfortable and goes against my moral values to what extent should my girlfriend instead consider having a broader conversation about differing values with her parents appreciate your thoughts although would like to remain anonymous you will always be don't worry lie just fucking lie i'm okay we never say this either no i say never say the l saying lie love or like saying lie is uh is definitely not our go-to but i think in this case i would like to call this a type of white lie whereas it's not actually hurting anyone in fact it sounds like it's protecting your parents because you know at the end of the day

Starting point is 00:18:38 obviously your girlfriend doesn't want to sleep in a different room she wants to sleep in the same room with you and it sounds like you have been doing that and you're going to continue to do that it sounds like it's only going to be very detrimental if you bring this up to her parents or you ask her to bring up to her parents there's a reason she hasn't brought it up to her parents because she knows their stance she's an adult she knows how they feel and she knows what the outcome is in this case a little lie is going to protect them make them feel like they're at peace and that their daughter is doing everything they've taught her to do and they're happy with the situation with her going away with you it's also going to protect you and your relationship because ultimately

Starting point is 00:19:19 this white lie will mean that her parents think that you are the respectable young person that well yeah they think that you're the respectable young person that they want you to be obviously you know you can have different values and you can want different things do different things you're both consenting adults you don't need her parents permission which is also why you don't really have to explain yourselves to her parents just let them continue to believe whatever it is they believe yeah don't lie just don't tell them anything else just don't have the conversation and then it's not a lie if you don't bring it up and if they don't bring it up it's not like that you're going to come over for dinner and they're going to say so talk me through the rooms you both slept

Starting point is 00:19:57 in individually like that's not going to be a dinner time conversation and if it is oh that's weird yeah all right question number three and this one I think is pretty relevant and will relate to a lot of people hi girls I have just found out I have fertility issues I have endo and I tried to freeze my eggs but it didn't work I'm single and wondering when I would tell guys I date I don't want to freak them out too soon but also don't want to leave it too late it's been so upsetting so I just haven't been dating at all thank you so much this is a really hard one this is a really hard one this one's more hard I think because of the fact that I'm just sorry that you're going through that and I'm sorry that is something you even have to deal with yeah and

Starting point is 00:20:42 I'm also sorry that that that's what's stopping you from dating like you know your fertility should not be like your worth in a relationship what makes someone love you what makes someone want to be with you does not rest on your fertility I think that it's really important to get that across first because like your value as a woman doesn't rest in the fact that you are fertile I agree 100% yeah and all of that you're worthy of being loved you're worthy of going out and dating you're worthy of being in relationships and I for me I mean and I have to say like you know this is me coming from I don't have this personal experience so I'm saying how I might react if I was in this situation but I don't think you owe it to someone early on to tell them where

Starting point is 00:21:25 you stand in terms of your fertility. I don't think it needs to be an early conversations as in like when you're in the dating phase at the very beginning, you know, I think once you've built, and I don't mean gotten to a point of commitment necessarily, but once you've built a foundation of trust with that person, once they've gotten to know you as a person and you've actually, you actually know whether you're invested in them as well. That's when I think you can have these conversations and be really vulnerable and be really open about what struggles you're having because I just don't think that you owe it to someone straight away to divulge your medical details about your personal body unless you are certain that you want to be in

Starting point is 00:22:04 a relationship with them either. This one for me, I agree with you to an extent, Laura, but then I'm just going to add something. I just have a bit of a different opinion. I agree you do not owe anyone any explanation about you and your body that you don't have to. Please don't let this stop you from dating like I don't want to say that is ridiculous because I know how that feels obviously I had my own little fertility issues my fertility is low we know that I froze my eggs and I did that when I met Jordan I literally met Jordan the day I had the consultation that I froze my eggs and that was a conversation I had with Jordan very early on in dating not because I felt like I owed him not because he asked me just because I was comfortable enough

Starting point is 00:22:50 to say it so it was one of those things what are you getting up to next week and I said oh actually I'm freezing my eggs and we just had the conversation do I think you need to tell someone on a dating app before you go and meet them or on a first date absolutely not what I think you may consider is just say you've been seeing someone casually if maybe the topic of children comes up if they say to you because I mean and obviously the older you get the more serious you become quicker the more you have these conversations earlier on if they say to you what do you want in your future do you want kids I think it could be a good time to maybe discuss it because you don't want to lie about it with someone that you do see a future with and I think

Starting point is 00:23:32 if that conversation has come up there's a chance you do see a future with that person so if they say to you you know what does it look like do you want to have kids in the future be honest say I would love to like 100% that's something I've always wanted but I actually have some fertility issues and then that's up to you then how that discussion goes how deep you go how surface level you go their reaction but I do think it's something as two adults that are looking to move forward in the right direction that you chat about because if you don't and if you hide that with someone that you are getting very serious with whether it's a year 18 months two years when it gets to the point that you might want to have kids if you have never brought that up

Starting point is 00:24:15 they are going to take that very very personally because I agree but I don't want what I said to be misconstrued as weight indefinitely I think once you're at a point of making a commitment to someone which is probably when you are talking about like I fully agree with everything you said when you are at a point where you're going to talk about kids when you're going to talk about what you want in your future if it comes up then address it don't like definitely don't wait so long that then it becomes the elephant in the room and they feel blindsided or lied to yeah that's a terrible idea I think at the end of the day do what feels right just don't ever feel the pressure to tell someone if you're not ready and don't let the fact that you have fertility issues

Starting point is 00:24:51 stop you from going out and living your best life like that should not in all honesty that news for you is going to change a lot in your life and it's going to change a lot within yourself and things moving forward but do not let it change anything to do with your dating life don't let it stop you from going online don't let it stop you meeting people don't let it stop you saying yes if someone asks you out you don't even know what that other person's going through you don't know what they want like just just go and live your best normal life because you've already lost something you've lost one part of your life from that that it's not even a loss in terms of that's not to say that there's no kids in your future and that's another thing that I learned on my

Starting point is 00:25:29 fertility journey when I spoke to Dr. Cheryl Foie. Fertility issues within yourself doesn't necessarily mean no kids in your future. It might mean no biological children, sure, but there are still so many ways to incorporate a family into your life. And it's important you remember that. But I think one thing that you just said, Britt, which is so true, and this is what springs to mind like firstly, is like, especially when it comes back to the early dating phase, you know, when you're getting to know someone, you do not know what they want either. And I guess there is like, there's such an assumption that everyone just wants kids and not everyone wants kids you know not everybody is it has the same feelings or thoughts or aspirations or expectations around

Starting point is 00:26:09 what having children in the future looks like and I think you know you might be so fearful of having this conversation with someone but you might find that they also may have fertility issues or that they also may be on a you know a similar part you just don't know so I think we can sometimes worry about how big and how hard a conversation is going to be to have but then the reality of actually having that conversation and being vulnerable and opening up about our greatest fears the outcome like the negative repercussions that can come for that can be so much less like we can often build things up that it's going to be so bad it's going to be so scary they're going to not want to date me and then when you actually have the conversation it's not as a big deal as what you think it's

Starting point is 00:26:51 going to be to that person it might also be worth talking to someone else that is in your situation because I feel like when you find common ground with someone and you feel support and you see what someone else has gone through or how they handled it it can really help and there are so many groups discussion groups forums there are a lot of places that you could go and have these conversations with people maybe you just ask another woman what they went through or how they coped with it how they discussed it and it might give you some it might give you some confidence moving forward to hear that someone else has been there and it's worked out just fine for them. Alrighty, last question. Hi girls, my fiance and I are getting married in six months.

Starting point is 00:27:31 Congratulations. We didn't give my stepbrother a plus one as he isn't seeing anyone. However, we did give my stepsister a plus one as she has a partner that we have both met. My parents have now called me saying that I need to give my stepbrother a plus one as a favor to them. And they can't understand why we aren't willing to do this. Some details. We are having a small wedding. There are only 53 people invited and have already cut a lot of our friends, which we would have liked to have come off the guest list. My question is this, do you think my parents have the right to demand my stepbrother gets a plus one? Yes, they are financially contributing to the wedding. Some of it, but not all of it. However, if this was a condition that went along

Starting point is 00:28:14 with it picking the guest list we never would have accepted the money at all or I think the money one changes things a little bit I don't I do it no oh I do you don't just give people it's not a party it's like not it's not like come to my going away party sure bring your friends like it's not that kind of a thing it's like who is he going to bring as his plus one like a person from work it's exactly you just don't throw around a plus one if and only if he's started to see someone in that time and it's gotten very serious and that you think they're going somewhere then yes i would bend the rule but at the end of the day i'm gonna go with a hard no on this one i get that your family is giving you some money and contributed but that doesn't mean that they get

Starting point is 00:29:00 to dictate what your special day looks like to the point of saying and who even is it is he bringing bob from kfc like who's coming to the wedding i don't know for me for me it's a no if it's just a plus one for the sake of having a plus one does he just not know anyone else there because your whole family's there okay i'm gonna make the assumption i'm gonna make the assumption that he is seeing someone and it's someone who they haven't met yet like it's an early days relationship who he wants to bring that's what i'm gonna assume in which case i kind of feel and this is why weddings are so fucked right this is why they are so problematic it's so hard to navigate them because everybody has different perceptions and thoughts on the way that things kind of,

Starting point is 00:29:39 you know, on how you cut the cookie. But I kind of think if someone else is paying for your wedding and they're going to pay a considerable amount towards your wedding and they ask for a favor because maybe they want to keep the peace. Maybe they don't want your bloody stepbrother to be at a pain in the ass. Who knows? I kind of feel like if the favor is not going to detrimentally change your day then just invite them if that means like not having them in the photos or whatever but that is purely because I also really struggle with taking money from people but I kind of I don't know I feel like if I said to you now I'll pay for your wedding if I know if I just said hey I'll swing you 150 bucks cover you know the meal and the drink I'm just

Starting point is 00:30:20 gonna bring a guy would you be okay with that but that's not the same thing because we're saying that the parents are paying for majority of the wedding but that shouldn't matter because the only cost right now is that I don't want to put you out by making you pay extra for someone you don't know so if I've told you I'm going to covet it and you won't know that they're even there would you still let me bring them no but if you paid for my flowers if you paid for my dress if you paid for my car pickup if you paid for the bus if you paid for the venue hire yeah bring him bring it pretty bring him I can pay for it all and you and you can bring it hey Laura it was a hypothetical I have no one to bring but I was just saying but I think that you and I might this could be something

Starting point is 00:30:55 we're button heads on and we're not going to actually agree on because I think no you don't owe them a random guest invite just because they paid some money okay because this is what I find interesting I also think that like if your parents are paying for a big portion of your wedding that they often will get a selection of people to invite themselves so like what this happens in a lot of families it might be if your parents are contributing a large sum to your wedding they get five invites it might be five of their friends it might be whoever but that is often what happens in families where parents are paying lucky I'm never getting married but you know what I mean I guess I guess like every family is different every wedding has a different set I mean there's

Starting point is 00:31:31 some rules that apply but there are definitely what goes for one wedding culturally or socially or just within their own family won't fly for another wedding but I think ultimately there's a few factors to assess how much money are your parents contributing is this someone who your brother is actually in a relationship with and what is going to be the fallout and can you be bother with the drama and if you can't if the answer is I've thought about all those questions and I still don't want someone I don't know at my wedding then don't have them because at the end of the day it's your wedding well I think the extra layer here that is ruffling my feathers a little bit is that it's not like she got to invite everyone she wanted and then it's a plus one

Starting point is 00:32:13 people she really wants there she can't have because there wasn't enough room or money so I think she's feeling a little bit shitty about not being able to have the people she actually wants and are close to her but having a stranger there just because her parents said so i think that's the difference if if at the end of the day you got to have all your hundred friends there that you wanted and your parents said hey can he have a plus one you'd probably be like yeah whatever i couldn't care less but when you know you've had to cut some of those closest to you and then all of a sudden a stranger gets that spot to your one really special day i think that's probably where it's it's you know it's a little bit uncomfortable for it and I get that 100% but like Laura said

Starting point is 00:32:51 if this is going to cause that much uprest and drama within your family that might not ever go away maybe just do them a solid and let them come well I think ultimately what you can do is have a really honest conversation with your parents explain that point to them the fact that you're sacrificing people who you really want there because you don't have the money or the space or whatever your reasons are. But I think try and have that conversation with them first. Also explain that to your brother. But I do think that the sticking point in all of this

Starting point is 00:33:23 is that it's difficult if he started dating someone, it's difficult to exclude someone who he sees a future with. I think that's where things kind of become a bit tricky and maybe he might hold some sort of grudge. But like, you know, families always have fights and then they make up so he'll get over it. Well, usually they make up. I mean, that's fine.

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Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Prudes, fertility and no you can't have a plus one

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