Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Second Hand Gifts, Spending Money On Games & Wedding Cold Feet

Starting point is 00:00:00 This episode was recorded on Camaragal land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany, and this is Ask Uncut, where you're writing your deepest, darkest, burning questions. We do our best to answer them. Are we educated on the subjects? No. Do we have experience and enthusiasm? Absolutely. Always. Keisha's having a little crisis over here. She's just discovered that all of her ADHD medication has scattered through the bottom of her bag, which feels very ADHD-esque. I know.

Starting point is 00:00:34 Like, God damn it. This is very meta. You can just collect them up again. I don't even, it's got a safety cap on the top of this thing. I mustn't have put it back on. Which also, you probably hadn't taken it. Just kind of like haphazardly put the lid on it. God damn.

Starting point is 00:00:47 I did something yesterday. I wasn't going to tell you guys about this, but it might be related. It will sort of like 10% of the population. I spent 15 minutes trying to get my front loader washing machine open because I was convinced that my phone, I'd accidentally put it with the laundry into the wash. I even went and got my Apple Watch and I was trying to ping it because I was running around the house being like,

Starting point is 00:01:07 that has to be there. I can't find it anywhere else. And then my Apple Watch died, like the battery died before I could. Don't you remember I did that? Last time I was, yeah, I did that. Last time I was going overseas to see Ben. I swear I said it on the podcast. I'm sure I did.

Starting point is 00:01:22 You did. Not last time, like three times ago. I was literally like the uber was coming to get me for an international flight and I was like where is my phone and I looked everywhere could not find it and for I don't know why but I couldn't find it on find my phone on my computer it was just like not working I had to trace back through everything I was like I'm gonna have to cancel the uber no sorry I was like I'm gonna have to go and try and buy a new phone at the airport because I was like you can't go overseas without out of phone like no contact nothing on there anyway I ended up trying to like I was like

Starting point is 00:01:55 retracing all my steps but then couldn't find it and I was like I need to be more precise with my retracing anyway it was in the dryer I put it in the dryer was it on no thank god it wasn't that's why it took me because you know once you start a front loader it locks guys so I had to let it spin I feel so hectic right now because I have put my phone or washing machine turned it on and one time I thought I put the cat in there by accident. She wasn't in there. Let's not put that in there. I couldn't find her.

Starting point is 00:02:23 I could not find the cat and I was so – I ran around my house frantic and Matt was like, she's outside, dude. You need to calm down. And anyway, she was fine. She was outside. But I now have this like deep fear that the cat climbs in the washing machines at any time before anyone puts a load on. I'm like, check the washing machine.

Starting point is 00:02:39 Oh, my God. Could you imagine? I bet you it's happened to someone and I'm really sorry if that was you. Please don't write in with those stories. I don't want to know about it. It would be very sad. I don't want to know about that either. But I actually was going to tell you guys something that has really got me down in the

Starting point is 00:02:51 dumps. Sorry with all the negative information, but I really got so disappointed and upset. And Laura, I think you'll care about this. I don't think Brit will give a shit. I found out the other day that the post office are going to stop selling knickknacks. I care about that. No, I'm off that. I thoroughly enjoy walking into the post office and just seeing like what hectic, most haphazard,

Starting point is 00:03:12 like whoever is the buying agent for the post office. It's like she goes and smokes a joint and then goes, you know what? Let's go into, she goes into Reed Market. So every year in Australia, there's like big trade shows where you can go into, one of them is called Life and Style, one of them is called Reed. Reed is basically a market that you go into and you can buy things wholesale to sell in your store.

Starting point is 00:03:33 And I just imagine she goes in there on psychedelics and she just goes, I'm imagining it's a woman, and goes, leg cooling gel, face massager, cups, egg cup. Like it's just- National Geographic, yes. It's literally the most random mix of stuff, but I always find something I love. I care about that, Keisha. Do you?

Starting point is 00:03:51 Yeah, because I went in the other day, I took Delilah out and I realized, oh my God, I forgot her lead. I was like, where can I get a lead from now? Post office. It has everything you want. I love this little sporadic buy at the post office. Well, I found out the other day because everything was so heavily discounted, which I actually got some bargains.

Starting point is 00:04:06 So if you are, you know, close to a post office and I was like, why is everything so cheap? And they said, because we're not going to be selling stuff like this anymore. I don't know to what extent. Is that just your post office? No, I asked because it was across two, where I came from, where I used to live and where I've moved to. Devastating for everyone. I'm so devastated because I just feel like the post office was,

Starting point is 00:04:29 it's the modern version of, do you remember when you were a kid and they used to have that book fair? Yes. Everything for like $2 table, $5 table. And it was so exciting because you never knew what you were going to get. It's spontaneous joy that's been taken away from us. It's really the little things in life, isn't it? This is feedback to Oz Post.

Starting point is 00:04:44 Well, that's Kisha's unsubscribe for the week. Ozpost is also a sponsor of the podcast, so maybe we can petition together. I would love to. Let's move this conversation along. We start a change shuttle. All right, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes on that note. Britt, what's your vibe? My vibe, look, I tossed up.

Starting point is 00:05:00 I haven't been doing anything deep this week. Well, Ben has. Ew. Because I'm with Ben where I'm not reading books and I'm not listening to podcasts. I'm not doing anything because I'm spending all my time with him. So I did toss up between another TV series and I just thought that makes me look far too simple. So I've taken another turn.

Starting point is 00:05:17 I'll save the TV series for next week. It's an Instagram account, but I can't recommend it enough. It's called Punter's Politics. Verified 431,000 followers. This is his bio. Just an Aussie punter navigating the divisive world of Australian politics. He has a podcast as well, but he's very educated on the fact he was a teacher and he talks all about Australian politics, but he definitely has a bit of a niche angle that's related to gas

Starting point is 00:05:42 that I find fascinating and things that I didn't know. And one of our biggest buyers of gas is China. And there's a lot of debate around the fact that our domestic gas prices are far higher than what China pays for us. And it stems back to contracts that have been in place in Australia for a long time. I know this might not be fascinating to many people, but essentially it affects each and every single one of us, what our government is doing. And I've learned so much from his page so if it's something that you're interested in insta puntus politics that sounds great my vibe this week is and i know i recognize that i really take eyes and lows here this is like a family friendly feel good movie if you just need a bit of a bit of an escape i really enjoyed it

Starting point is 00:06:22 it's a new one uh you might have seen it trending because it has been in the top 10 on netflix it is called nonas it is uh executive produced and the main actor in it is vince vaughn what is it called nonas yeah they say i guess because it's american i thought that was how i was supposed ways to pronounce it like nonnas is how I would have said it but they say nonnas so I'm trying to do it I'm trying to do it justice to the Italians okay I love Italians so this as it turns out I didn't know this until the very end of the movie and I liked it more knowing it so I want you going in knowing it is based off of a true story the synopsis because I don't want to give too much away is a grieving man which is Vince Vaughn finds the recipe for healing when he buys an

Starting point is 00:07:05 Italian restaurant and he hires four sassy seniors as the chefs. So he buys this restaurant and he employs four Italian nonnas to come in and be the chefs. And it's kind of the story about how the business, you know, it's either going to fail or whether it's going to take off. And I will just say that by the end of this, and my boyfriend had tears coming out of his eyes and he's also pre-ordered the cookbook that you can now get from Nona's in Staten Island. So they've also got a cookbook to go alongside it apparently. Sometimes it's nice just watching something that's sugary and easy and doesn't leave you feeling like you're with anxiety. Yeah it was really nice. It was like food for the soul and also some recipes that you could probably put

Starting point is 00:07:49 on the dinner table. Do you want to know like an unrelated fun fact? So the actress in that Susan Sarandon I used to be a nanny for Susan Sarandon's nanny what in Italy so wait her nanny used to leave I was a nanny in Italy so when I moved to Italy when I was like 18 19 20 I was a nanny and I nannied for Susan Sarandon's nanny imagine going to work to be a nanny only to have to then hire a nanny she wasn't she wasn't her nanny anymore she used to nanny for her then she became a mom and wasn't a nanny and then I was her nanny but that's my connection to Susan Sarandon and so we're basically besties. Also, I feel like she hasn't changed in 20 years.

Starting point is 00:08:28 There's episodes of her on Friends and I watched her in this movie and I was like, you look the same. Yeah. I'm going to be honest, I have no idea who she is. This is her. After Owen Wilson last week, you're like, I'm not playing this game again. Susan Sarandon, she's a brilliant actress.

Starting point is 00:08:42 She's been around forever. I can't see from there, but, yep, I agree. That is so funny that you don't know who she is. It's called Nunners on Netflix. It's a movie. it goes for about two hours and I really enjoyed it. I have a fantastic podcast recommendation episode for you guys to listen to. It goes for an hour and 30 minutes. So give yourself a bit of time. It is from Feel Better, Live More by Dr. Chatterjee, who you guys interviewed on the

Starting point is 00:09:06 podcast, like on Life Uncut Yourselves. So you can go back and listen to that one as well. But this was Dr. Chatterjee interviewing Dr. Daniel Amen. Now the name of this podcast episode is how to future-proof your brain simple daily practices to improve focus energy memory mood emotional well-being with dr daniel amen this was incredibly fascinating to me and the whole premise of this episode was all about loving your brain which sounds kind of woo-woo and bizarre but also like he is a very well-renowned psychiatrist but the thing that is and sets his research apart and what they really get into in this episode is that he shares insights into 250,000 brain scans that he has done and how we can actually repair the damage that we've done

Starting point is 00:09:49 in our brain. He goes into all the different life factors that we all expose ourselves to on the daily that impacts and deteriorates your brain health. But the thing that I think I didn't realize until listening to this, I kind of thought that once you damaged your brain, whether it be from drinking in your twenties or partying or whatever it was that that damage was done. And there's actually so many things that you can put in place to repair and to improve what they found is these improved brain scans from things like diet you know stopping alcohol and everything else but one of the things that he speaks about are the impacts of marijuana and how significant that is how significant psychedelics are in deteriorating the brain and also the food and the cosmetic

Starting point is 00:10:33 products that you're using on your skin and for anyone who has teenage kids and you know you worry about them potentially getting into drinking or getting into doing drugs which just feels like a rite of passage at a certain age it was really interesting how he put it into accessible language to have conversations with kids around the damage that they're doing and also the fact that like we're so focused on the way that we look we're so focused on like our you know cosmetic surgeries and the things that we do to our face to improve our appearance but because your brain is something that you just don't see you don't have access to the damage that you're doing to it we often neglect it and don't realize the accumulative effects. And, and I have never really thought

Starting point is 00:11:14 about it prior, but for someone who has Alzheimer's and dementia in my family, and it's, that is definitely something that I think about often and mental health is a big factor of our family as well. This episode really felt like, oh, okay, there's tangible things that can be done to improve your resistance to getting something like Alzheimer's. And here are all the things that are contributing and increasing people's exposure and risk to alzheimer's and dementia fucking loved it it was fascinating what i also love about dr amen is that when he speaks about things with advice like this it's actionable like it's not like you know the guy who's the billionaire who's doing all the science stuff to his body you don't have his son's blood yeah like

Starting point is 00:11:54 you don't have to be of that level and weirdly talking about our past lives when i was in medical research i was doing an honors in biomedical science and my research was in synaptic plasticity it's also referred to as neural plasticity and I remember at the time I started in an alcoholism lab and then I moved to an addiction lab and it was so fascinating to me to see scans of what alcohol can do to your brain and like you know chronic use of different substances and whatever but it's really I don't know it's encouraging to kind of be like yes they're the really bad things and yes there is a point where you can damage that brain tissue to the point where it won't regenerate but unless you're not like before you're at that point there are things that you

Starting point is 00:12:34 can do. And that, that kind of provides hope. Yeah. And also the fact that what he talks about is how now we are of an age when neuroscience is defining culture and society and rules as to how we regulate society. So for example, he was like, you know, in American football, they used to never wear helmets. Then they wore leather helmets. Now they wear full protective gear. Kids under the age of, I think it's 10 years old, can't do contact head sports in soccer, or like there's certain rules around the ages of which you can do certain things. And, you know, we've obviously had the rules come in in australia that are going to be actioned over the next year and a half or whatever it is around 16 years and under being able to access social media like this all comes

Starting point is 00:13:13 off the back of the research that has been provided from neuroscience around the effects that this stuff is having on the brain it's genuinely one of the best episodes i've listened to recently go and have a listen to it it is episode 555 how to future proof your brain simple daily practices to improve focus energy memory mood and emotional well-being with dr Daniel Amen. What a title. Go and have a listen. That's a mouthful. Let's get into the questions. All right. Question number one, wedding jitters. Since getting engaged seven months ago, I have dreamt multiple times a week about an ex-situationship from about 10 years ago. My fiance and I have been together for over six years and lived together for five. So getting

Starting point is 00:13:53 married shouldn't really feel that different. I love my fiance and it hurts my heart to think of not being with him. But I also feel a little bit of a pit in my stomach when I think about the wedding, which is in August. Is this just wedding nerves? I feel like I may have some commitment issues as I've never had a long relationship before this one. I also don't love being the center of attention. So could that be contributing to it? Is this just a normal reaction before such a big commitment? I guess that's why they joke about people getting cold feet before a wedding, but I never thought that was real. Would love your opinions, please. This is really hard to answer, to be honest, for me, because the cold feet are a real thing.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Like that's where it comes from. People do get nervous about locking down for the rest of their life with someone. Like you can feel certain things. It's strange to me that the person you started to think about is a situationship from a decade ago. Like usually if somebody starts to be like, oh my God, is this the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Usually it's because someone that was like pivotal in their life or had a huge impact

Starting point is 00:14:56 in their life. you know maybe it's an ex that you weren't in control of the breakup or you thought it was the one that got away or I find it fascinating that your person is a situation it was like literally someone you're fucking 10 years ago that's crazy to me but I think the most important thing here to think of is the fact that you have said I it hurts my heart to think of not being with your partner your fiance and that's what I think you need to hone in on here not I don't want to say it's normal to get cold feet because it's absolutely not like I mean I definitely didn't I know most of my friends haven't got it but that doesn't mean it means anything either

Starting point is 00:15:31 you might just be nervous you just said there are things like you don't like people looking at you and the commitment might be a big thing but I I don't know what to tell you about the situationship like that's weird to me that a decade later that person is still if for in the forefront of your brain I googled this because I was like I really don't know how to answer this question because everything you've said is a possibility right like yes you could just have cold feet yes it could be anxiety because you don't want to stand up in front of a big group of people yes it could be anxiety because you don't know if like you want to get married you have commitment issues yes you could still love your situationship but when i when i googled is cold feet normal it

Starting point is 00:16:09 said yes experiencing cold feet is generally normal especially in cooler environments or when inactive right maybe a bit more specific there with that google search laura so i did i did revise it it said yes experiencing cold feet before a wedding is common and a normal phenomena in most people. I think to think that you can go into, and I know there are a lot of people who had absolutely no doubt and no fear and no feelings of uncertainty or anything going into their marriages and their weddings. And I feel really lucky that I got to be that version of a person. But I also know that there are people that do have cold feet and it doesn't mean that the relationship's not the right relationship for them. It might mean that they radiate on a higher

Starting point is 00:16:52 anxiety and a frequency that they you know have had commitment issues that there is they've got just a different download blueprint for how they attach to people that's a very real possibility my biggest thing is that I would ask yourself do you have anxiety about your relationship or do you have anxiety about the physical wedding day because they're two very different things and you've said that you love him so much you can't imagine your life without him focus on that exactly as you said Britt like to me that's your answer all the other stuff that you have been thinking about or worrying about then that to me doesn't really seem like it is as big in comparison and what I kind of think sometimes happens is you can have a thought about something obviously

Starting point is 00:17:34 you've had a dream about an ex-boyfriend or whatever it was situationship and then because you've thought about that and you've given that some more mental energy it kind of snowballs and gets bigger and bigger and bigger and just because if it's it's a thought doesn't make it real just because it's something that you have dreamt about. Certainly isn't something that you should give energy and focus to it. And the more energy and focus you do give to it, the more confused you're going to feel about this whole thing. I think you just need to pinpoint what the feeling in the pit of your stomach is. You're like, every time I think of the wedding, I feel an off feeling in the pit of my stomach. Okay. What is that? I got that, but mine was personally surrounding

Starting point is 00:18:10 the feeling of how much I've spent. That made me feel sick. The stress because things weren't working out and I things you know I had my photographer cancel a week before we haven't even spoken about that I had a lot of things that were happening the week before and I was feeling that feeling in the pit of my stomach but it wasn't I could pinpoint that it had nothing to do with who I was marrying or if I was making the right choice but also on that Brit like there's a big fear of the unknown for some people you know like marriage is a huge commitment it is a huge step in a direction you're obviously taking it seriously you know you love this person you've been with them for a really long time I don't think that you have fear around the relationship

Starting point is 00:18:48 but the unknown of like what is to come in your life over the next 20 30 40 years is a really really big thing to wrap your head around and like people get anxiety about changing jobs people get anxiety about moving to a new town like I think it's very normal to have anxiety about getting married to someone and really assessing where that feeling comes from whether it's around the commitment whether it's around the relationship or whether it's around like the fear of the unknown like they're all things that you can sit down and kind of like plot out yourself I just don't want to sit here and tell you that it's not normal to have these feelings because I think it is the yeah but I just can't work out the dreaming multiple times a week about the guy

Starting point is 00:19:26 from 10 years ago that's the part that I'm getting that I'm not saying that that's a reason not to marry your partner I think 100% marry your partner I just am a bit confused about where the dreams have come from all of a sudden I'm fascinated by dreams like we know that I've tried to do dream episodes you guys cancel it all the time but I love dreams I love to talk about dreams I don't know what it means other than allowed you to and how did that go Brittany well we picked the wrong person but I will find a way to find another dream expert and we will get but do you think it's because maybe she didn't have closure from the previous situation ship and now she's like going into this next chapter where it's definitely locked down and it's not like it's actually any

Starting point is 00:20:02 different to how you're living but I don't I kind of understand why your brain's playing games being like you're about to lock this down for sure and get married but remember remember what it was like before totally I actually think that sometimes when you are in a big like life transition your brain does kind of it goes back through the file of facts and it goes like okay well what have we experienced in the past and it pulls up old memories and but the thing is is like your thoughts and your memories around something we have to take with a grain of salt because it's not real we are so conditioned to only remember the good bits there's obviously reasons why that situation ship never worked out and I don't even think that this person's pining about it anyway

Starting point is 00:20:39 but I don't necessarily think it's a red flag I kind of think that sometimes your brain just pulls things out and especially with dreams like it might pull an ex out and then you have this weird dream about your ex and you wake up in the morning and you're thinking about them and you're like oh like but you didn't actively think that wasn't an active thing that you had control over and I think it's okay to just accept that put it back in the file of facts and get on with life I also think it's a really normal thing and this is where I think you know if I had to make a psychological assumption with my expertise this is where where I'm going with all the research it's a very normal thing to when you are getting married have the thought process of like wow like

Starting point is 00:21:19 I am never going to be with someone else again like this is the one person that I am going to be intimate with that I'm going to have sex with that I'm going to have experiences with I'm going to do my day like I thought that and that's not a it's not a bad thing but it was like oh my god Like, this is my person I'm choosing for the rest of my life. Whether you realize it or not, subconsciously, that is going to make you think of past experiences. And, you know, obviously the situationship was a good one for you. Obviously you enjoyed it. There was someone pivotal in whatever reason.

Starting point is 00:21:46 And you're going back to thinking of like, I'm never going to have those moments again. So maybe now that it's in the forefront of your brain, it is a recurring thing that you're thinking about, but don't overthink it. You said you love your fiance. You can't imagine your life without him. Embrace it. Like this is a time that you should be really excited and happy about. And it's okay to think of an ex or someone you've been with in the past.

Starting point is 00:22:07 Every single person, married or not married, their ex is popping to their brains at some point or someone that they've had some kind of like, that's normal. We've spoken to psychologists that have said that's normal. So I don't want you to like psych yourself out that you're getting cold feet and you're making a mistake. If I can marry this guy, he's amazing. You've been with him six years. Let's poll this as well, because people have interesting opinions on whether, like, how

Starting point is 00:22:27 do you define what level of cold feet is normal or what is a red flag that something is not just, you know, it's not just an indicator of cold feet, but actually it's an indicator that the marriage is not right. I don't think that that's the case in this situation. All right. All right. Question number two. Hi guys. I have a dilemma. I love when my partner goes down on me, but because I am so comfortable with him, but because I'm so comfortable with him, I fart, I poo, I pull out tampons in front of him. I do it all. There's no secret. You're probably not while he's going down on you though I would assume no she's simultaneously yeah it was an odd sentence to put together but she's just trying to say she loves it and that she also has no secrets from him

Starting point is 00:23:03 so she's like he has seen pretty much everything we've been together for four years he has been diagnosed with OCD especially around cleanliness now because he has seen all of the things I have just said he has seen he doesn't like to go down on me even when I've suggested doing it as soon as we've had a shower is this something you think we can work on or do I have to find alternatives like toys etc please give me your best advice i mean this is a big conversation to have with your partner if he's been actually diagnosed with ocd it's not just someone who's like suck it up and go down there yeah it's it's really it's a tricky one like that's a psychological diagnosis it's really hard for us to sit here and be like he should be pleasuring you and you deserve a man

Starting point is 00:23:45 who could like this is it causes him torment anguish like it's this is unfortunately this is something that's really, you know, we make jokes, but a lot of people talk about OCD so casually. A lot of people like, oh, I have OCD. I need things to be cleaned. And it's just because they like stuff to be ordered. No, people who are diagnosed with OCD, it is a psychological battle to be able to get through the day when things aren't done or aren't specifically in a way that their OCD brain needs them to be. And I would say that unfortunately for you, this will be something that is going to take a lot of either a time perseverance and patience for him to be able to get to a point where he can do that that might take the sexiness out of it you know knowing that

Starting point is 00:24:27 your partner can't do it because they're psychologically tormented doesn't really make you be like yeah if i can go down on me but you also could stop swinging the tampons around you could stop pooping in front of him like yes there's those kind of and this goes back to why i said i don't fart personally in front of my partner you've said you fart poo pull tampons do it all which is so fine but I have always said you have to be aware it is going to take some parts and I know that he has OCD and it's different but I'm talking generally speaking you do have to be aware that if you're going to be like taking dumps in front of your partner and doing stuff you can't unsee or unsmell that stuff and it is going to have some sort of an effect

Starting point is 00:25:04 you I don't think normally take the OCD out of this right it would be a different question they're not the same question OCD does change it so if you take the OCD out you know I think Laura would say the same thing that it is a conversation you have and you can work on and like you do need to be able to meet each other halfway with how you're pleasuring people but you can't force somebody partner or not to do something that they don't want to do and if he OCD or not doesn't want to go down on you then you do have to find another alternative like you can't just say it's not fair grab his head and put it down there like that's it's not going to happen OCD or not so maybe the alternative is that you do have to find other ways to pleasure yourself that work for both of you

Starting point is 00:25:45 whether that is toys or you know you can go and speak to a sex therapist and find out different ideas in different ways or they will know things that we don't know on ways to work on this that's what they're trained on well and also 100% could not have said any of that better but also like it's not that he's being lazy you know when we've had these types of conversations in the past it's been very evident that the partner's just fucking lazy like and they just can't be bothered or selfish or like you know in which case we would answer it so differently but I agree with you we are very open in our household we still have a great sex life no one cares if the other person is kind of does all the gross things we all know that it's like it's a human bodily function it's

Starting point is 00:26:24 fine it doesn't make me less attracted to Matt and vice versa however in this instance it is affecting your life. So you can make some sacrifices as well. And I would say actually from reading this, it does seem like she did all those things and now she's like, oh, I realized the impact and effect it's had. So maybe it's going to be a time thing, but yeah, I actually, unfortunately feel like because of the OCD diagnosis and it being something that is actually clinical, you can't, you can't just overcome this as easily, unfortunately. And you know, are you able to still have the same amount of enjoyment in your sex life and pleasure and everything else from using toys that's a question that only you can answer it depends on how

Starting point is 00:27:04 important oral sex is to you but I would think that there's probably many other ways that you can both satisfy each other without that being something that's as important you know what I thought when I read this initially and I know that I'm being like a stereotypical of a heterosexual relationship I actually read this and I thought wow I wonder how often desire is impacted but in reverse like for women who see their partner be a bit gross how much does that impact their desire to want to have sex with them that's what I've talked about yeah that is the core of what I don't want to see or hear Ben do that I want to have two separate lives where we all know we do it like you know I worked in a hospital for a decade like I have seen I've cleaned up poo and stuff

Starting point is 00:27:46 from people like that's part of our jobs if Ben was sitting there farting in front of me all the time and whatever else personally it takes away my desire in that moment would i have wanted to have sex with him after he's just like done 10 stinky farts on me maybe not if he didn't do them and started to put the moves on would i probably and i get that it's different for everyone and it doesn't touch the sides for you laura but i really want to try and keep those things a little bit separate i mean don't get me wrong if matt was farting on me all day i'm not like okay let's go they're not together do you know i'm not doing them at the same time i just mean like i'm able to separate and differentiate when we're talking about, you know,

Starting point is 00:28:23 or like feeling attracted versus like if he walks out of the bathroom after doing his shit, I'm not like, hey, let's go now. Like that would obviously be some time in between. The reason I mention that is because, you know, you guys mentioned that he had been diagnosed with OCD. I think that that's probably an extreme version of this situation, but I think this situation actually plays out a lot. And I would agree with you, Keish, and I do think that stereotypically

Starting point is 00:28:46 we expect women to be more ladylike and to have a higher level of cleanliness and a higher level of everything than what we expect men to. And I think that men can get away with being a bit grubbier and a bit dirtier. And I'm not saying that like anyone is wanting to have sex with a guy that you would think is like grubby or dirty. But the thing is, is like men are just allowed to be men and women have to be more ladylike. And socially that has been accepted for a very long time. However, I do feel that there is a bit of a rebalancing that's going on in a lot of relationships mine included she's doing it herself she's riffing at that she's ongoing fuck the patriarchy that is that is like i think that that's the next level i don't think i would

Starting point is 00:29:24 change a tampon in front of my partner not because i have anything against periods just because i like the privacy of that like i don't if matt walked into the bathroom also i would never ever do a number two in front of him either like we have limits but i don't think he would just casually be in the bathroom with me changing tampons i have i've changed my i don't use tampons but my period cup like my menstrual cup I've changed that before in the shower in front of Ben but I've always said I'm going to do this like I don't just do it isn't that just horrifying when it's like because like that to me is way more visceral than just putting a tampon in that's discreet this is like that's what I say to him I tell him it's happening I'm saying hey I'm gonna

Starting point is 00:30:02 do this I'm shocked by that but he doesn't he doesn't watch it he'll be I'll just be like don't watch it you don't need to see it but he'll just turn his back or something but it's like we're not so it's still a normal thing and he wouldn't be put off by it like he understands it but that's like that's different to me again than like farting on someone or something it's like it's something that we experience every single month it's every single woman experiences it and I don't say hey look down I'm gonna shark wig but I'm like hey I'm giving you the choice right now this is what I'm doing in my shower so you can you can stay and get it come along for the ride or you can get out like whatever yeah and you know what like I absolutely can recognize that

Starting point is 00:30:40 my bias around it is because there is like I mean we've been brought up to have period shame like we've been brought up to be like that's private you do that and you're like in the toilet by yourself but the thing is is like I probably because of that very deep-seated bias like I said I prefer the privacy around it you know like I don't want the kids coming in the room while I'm changing a tampon which is so fine yeah give me 30 seconds I'm sure there's been times where they've not giving me that privacy but anyway all right next question my partner spent six thousand dollars on roblox what's roblox it's like it's an online game uh kind of like candy crush i asked sherry right it's actually it's actually there's so much terrible research into roblox now around like how

Starting point is 00:31:20 many predators are on there because lots of kids use it it's like it's fucking seedy and awful it's the ultimate virtual universe that lets you create share experiences with friends and be anything you can imagine yeah so you can like have your own communities and like world that you live in on roblox obviously none of us use it i'm sure there's a lot of people know a lot about it there's a lot no i watched a doco on kids who use it and how there's like child sex predators on there so like that's a whole nother story let's not go into that my partner and i've been together for three years and i love him more than anyone when we first started dating he had a slight pokies issue and was completely transparent with it together we worked on that habit and he

Starting point is 00:31:56 stopped gambling on pokies. He played poker once a week and that has been fine. However, last night I went into his phone when he was asleep to see where he's been spending money after he made a comment about being tight for money. I looked and there were three Roblox transactions for over a hundred dollars each from the weekend. So today I logged into his account and I went through all of the transactions. I've worked out that since January, he has spent over $6,000 on this stupid game and he's been lying about it he said he didn't get paid enough this week to get his savings out etc but in reality he has been spending it on roblox i need advice because this is just so fucking childish i do realize it's a deeper problem than him playing games

Starting point is 00:32:41 it is an addiction and i want to help him but how do i confront him about it i just want what's best for him for context we don't share a bank account for these reasons i am very money savvy and a good saver and he is absolutely the opposite this is hard because we seem to look at addiction very differently and spending money very differently when it is like straight up mainstream gambling or like alcoholism or things like that to something like gaming like something that everyone does your grandma could do it like my mom loves candy crush your mom does she loves candy crush she loves it she's so good at it she's at like level a thousand or something she's like she is she loves that stuff but my point is we look at it differently but the question is should

Starting point is 00:33:24 we if we know it's an actual addiction and something they're lying about so that's where I think this takes a different layer he might be like hey it's just a game and a hobby which it is like gamers all over the world it is what they love to do in their pastime same as someone might like to go and and spend five hundred dollars a year to register for rugby you know what I mean like it's it's for them it's what they're choosing to do in their pastime and that's the way they sell it a lot the reason it's a problem here is he's lying about it he's spending six thousand dollars already in the first six months so if we're going to average that out he's spending 12k a year on a game that you don't know about and at the end of the day it is impacting you guys

Starting point is 00:34:03 because he's saying he doesn't have enough money he's not able to contribute enough when he has 12 grand a year that he can put into an online game it's tricky because you are going to have to have that conversation with him 100%. Like I am 100% saying, yes, this is a full on issue and it is a sit down conversation. It does mean you have to say to him that you've gone through his accounts or you've seen what he's spending. So it comes with its own problems. He's going to feel like you've gone behind his back. You're going to throw that back in his face and say, well, you went behind my back. So the way you handle this conversation is going to be pivotal to the outcome. It is a really hard one because you obviously identify that your partner has

Starting point is 00:34:39 addiction issues. The problem with addiction is that addiction isn't about a thing. Addiction is the issue and it is transferred. So if you're not dealing with the actual addiction issue with the fact that when he's addicted to the pokies, he then, and he stops doing that, he's going to find something else to funnel his addiction into. It's the feeling. It's the way that addiction works. So there is a root problem here that needs to be addressed that isn't the Roblox because you could fix the Roblox thing. And I guarantee you in six months time, he'll be doing it with something else this is just a cycle and you are now realizing the pattern and look yes you went through his belongings you went through his bank account you guys are going to have to have

Starting point is 00:35:18 conversations about that that's going to be super uncomfortable because you don't trust him you know that there is something wrong and you are having to go and search for this yourself there's just a there's many layers as to why that this is a huge problem the only thing I do kind of worry about with the roblox situation is the way that these games are so insidious in how they take money it's small incremental amounts I would doubt that he would have any idea he spent six thousand dollars in the same way that you might get ubers everywhere or use uber eats and then one day you do your budgeting and you go holy fucking shit I've spent four thousand dollars on uber eats totally but you know that you've spent three hundred in one weekend yes and no because a lot

Starting point is 00:35:58 of these things you just click it's so easy to click as you go and it's like you might be buying tokens or you might be buying xyz and just like unless you're keeping a physical tally and it's very tricky to keep an actual log of how much you're spending unless you're checking. I agree, but normally, but for this one, I'm disagreeing because she literally says just this weekend, there were three transactions. Each one was over a hundred dollars. So it's not like I'm $2 token. I get how that accumulates, but you've got to know if you're doing a hundred dollars, a hundred dollars, a hundred dollars within like 24 to 30 hours. And look, maybe I'm giving him too much grace in this, but I would assume that he's probably

Starting point is 00:36:32 not aware he spent $6,000. Maybe that's playing devil's advocate. However, you know, it's still a huge problem. $12,000 in a year on a stupid game is a crazy amount. Think about all of the things that you guys could be building together. Now, I would say that very big conversations have to be had and figuring out how to resolve this addiction issue entirely. And maybe he needs to really do some other work because it's not just the pokies. Like I said, it's not just Roblox. It's going to turn into something else. And if you guys are not on the same page when it comes to how you manage your finances, if you're not on the same page with how you're going to build your lives together,

Starting point is 00:37:10 this is something that's going to keep on reoccurring and you can love someone so much. You can have the most amazing relationship in every other aspect but for as long as you keep life and assets and everything else separate, this won't rear its head in a way that's like insurmountable for you but when you go down the track of having kids or if you do or you get married or when your finances become more merged, this is going

Starting point is 00:37:33 to be a huge fucking problem. So you have to fix it now. And if you can't fix it now, then I just don't know if this is like the right type of relationship to be in, especially when saving money, progressing your financial future is something that is clearly so important to you, but very hard conversations have to be had. Question number four, what is your opinion on gifts? Can you buy someone something from marketplace secondhand because that way you can actually afford it and you know that they're going to love it? Or can you give someone something that you have owned before? Now, hear me out for context. It's my niece's first birthday coming up where we would normally spend, I guess, about $100 to $150 on a gift. We were about to sell

Starting point is 00:38:16 something that has hardly been used by our own two-year-old. The retail price is $260, but they sell for 200 on marketplace can you do that or is this super tight then if you can do it do you tell them that it is second hand or do you palm it off and pretend you bought it you can't palm it off and pretend that you bought it after it's been used by two you're like i know you can't do that well i think they'll know anyway it's not in a package yeah like it's not unless you're wrapping it to the kid quietly and pretend that they've already unwrapped it and already like scratched it and you know made it dirty slobbered on it i don't know i don't know i think i would feel personally i would feel odd giving someone a gift that was especially if it was a secondhand

Starting point is 00:39:01 thing from my kid and trying to palm it off as though it was newly bought i think that's where the problem is if you know that this is something that they actually really want and that they're going to go out and buy anyway and that your niece would really really love it i think you can say to your sister i had this we were going to sell on marketplace but can i give it to her for her birthday, gauge your reaction. They're going to tell you whether that's like a normal, because it might not even be something they want. And then you're just offloading your shit that you don't want that you're going to sell a marketplace as a gift. So like check first. I personally would just say, sell it on marketplace and then buy a gift unless you have specifically asked if

Starting point is 00:39:37 it's something that your sister wants. Cause otherwise it does kind of come across as giving away the stuff you don't own your house anymore that's my thought I think it's fine check just check I think it's fine I don't have a problem with it it's different I mean it's different if it was something that's been like absolutely trashed and used to death over the last two years of your child's life you've said that they've hardly used it it's it feels like it's pretty much new you know you'd get a great price from it I think it's fine but I also came from a family where we do that like we're happy to pass things on to each other and that's not an issue I think it's different if you're faking it and you're pretending that you're like you're

Starting point is 00:40:16 rewrapping it but that's what I mean but like it's I don't I don't know marketplace I love marketplace it's so much stuff for my sisters baby Maya like Sherry buys all her stuff from marketplace because you can get brand new stuff basically for like a quarter of the price so I think if it's about saving money like that and if you can't afford it I truly think if you say you cannot afford a gift you shouldn't be buying something you can't afford there's always a way to give something within your means, especially for a one-year-old. I'm sure you love her. She's not going to remember it.

Starting point is 00:40:46 She's one. She's four months old. I have a question though. This specific type of gift, you just said you have a two-year-old and she's hardly used it. Is it because it's actually not a functional thing? Like is there a reason why your two-year-old hasn't used it? Because every single parent has crap in their house

Starting point is 00:41:03 that their kid hasn't used and it's because their kid either didn't really like it, didn't engage with it. like there's a reason why it's not being used is it because you had two of them like a world map so it's like don't give away something that wasn't useful to you because it just makes an easy gift it's kind of how I feel about it the only thing that I would say in rebuttal to you Brit is like have a think about it from like this perspective not about kids toys imagine it was your birthday and I had a vase or a salad bowl that's been at my house for a year which I've used a couple of times but actually I just decided it doesn't really suit my house anymore and I wrapped it

Starting point is 00:41:37 up and gave it to you, you would be like, Laura, I've seen this in your house. And I'd be like, yeah, but I got that cheese board for my wedding and we don't really like it. So I thought you would love it. Here it is. Yeah, but I think it's different when it's your niece and she's one.

Starting point is 00:41:49 I'm laughing because my whole house is just hand-me-down furniture from both of you. Yeah, but I just give it to you. I don't do it as a gift. I don't say, Keisha, it's your birthday. I do it for blackmail. It's your birthday. Here's a cabinet.

Starting point is 00:42:00 Like I've never. You've got this. You've sold it. I've never charged you for the furniture because I would never. Which I'm grateful for. And I've just given it to you because it's stuff I would have put on Marketplace anyway. I do it so I've got something on you. Blackmail, I can owe you one.

Starting point is 00:42:15 I just lock that away. One day I'll bring it out. There was a good one. I've chosen. Okay, here's my other question, though, when it comes to Marketplace. So, for example, if you do have a piece of furniture or something that you could put on Marketplace, but if you're giving it to a friend, do you give it to them for free or for a reduced price than what you would do on Marketplace?

Starting point is 00:42:32 Because if it's for a friend, I would never charge them. I'd just give it away. I think it depends on what it is or how big it is, your financial situation at the time, their financial situation at the time. Like I think there's loads to do with it and I don't think it's right or wrong either way. It's like whatever that situation is. I definitely think you have to give it to a friend for less.

Starting point is 00:42:50 Oh, I'm just haggling with them when they come. Some of the haggling in your marketplace just makes it not worth it. You're like it's $200 firm. You put something up $600 and they're like, I'll give you $10. And can you deliver it? You're like, no. Also, okay, one more question about Marketplace. And I think this happened to you recently, Keish.

Starting point is 00:43:10 Or was it to you? I don't know. It's someone here. How do we feel about people being like, I will come and inspect it and then decide whether or not I'm going to take it home? I've recently met someone inspecting Keish's Marketplace. Like I turned up and there was a man there. And I was like, Keish, talk to me about this man in your house.

Starting point is 00:43:27 She's like, Marketplace. Marketplace. He then, after he left, he was lovely, to be fair. He was nice. But I was selling it for like, it was a wardrobe. and it was oh no it was a desk so I was gonna say the one I gave you are you selling my furniture for a profit Keisha it is she would do that she would do that I would I think it was a desk or something anyway he came to look at it and then he went away and then he was really not communicative

Starting point is 00:43:53 and then he tried to like halve the price and I was like bro I'm just gonna give it to someone like I'm just this is not worth it. You're wasting my time. Waste so much time like and also I'm a contractor like I actually charge by the minute or by the hour so you are literally costing me money. I walked into Keisha's house the other day it was unrelated but funny Ben and I went over to Keisha's new house she just moved into a new house beautiful. I'm such a scam. No you're not it was just funny so we walk in and Ben goes that coffee table looks really familiar. That's just because I got the same one. And she goes oh I copied Brit and then he's like that lounge is familiar too and she's like, that was Brits.

Starting point is 00:44:28 And he's like, and he goes, this looks like furniture in your house, Brits, like a banister thing. And she's like, also Brits. And it's like my whole house is in your house. And the rug that you walked past on the way in, Laura's. It was actually so funny. We loved to see it. It's like you're like a little child.

Starting point is 00:44:44 I still find Buster's hair every now and then coming out of it. It's nice. Well, look, okay, going back to this specific question though, I think that it is okay to buy gifts off Marketplace, but only if it's something that your friend actually really wants. So like, for example, if there is, God, I can't, now I'm going to try and think of something on, on the fly. Like if it's, someone give me something.

Starting point is 00:45:06 Dildo. Sorry, what? A little bit used. Only a couple of times. If it's something electronic. Yeah. I don't, I mean, look, okay. A camera, right.

Starting point is 00:45:15 But, but then like maybe not a camera because a camera might come with a warranty and stuff from like. Okay. You asked me to just throw examples out there. So. I know it's not working. Get your own example. Okay.

Starting point is 00:45:23 Okay. For example, for example, a Yoto. I'm going to use this as like a kid's little listening thing. They're quite expensive and, for example, if you don't have the money to spend $200 or $250, whatever they are, for a Yoto or for like all of the little cards and stuff, I think it's totally fine to say to your friend or your loved one like, oh, I want to get a Yoto.

Starting point is 00:45:43 I found it for a really good price on Marketplace. If it's secondhand, just giving them a heads up that it's secondhand because I do think that it kind of comes across unusual to get a wrapped up gift that is very evidently used that's where I think that it might just they're not going to say anything they're not going to be ungrateful I'm not saying that there's like an element of privilege I'm just saying that in order to ensure that everyone's like yeah cool great like they want to go to it's going to work it's perfect but you can get it for 40 bucks less like fantastic but I don't think you should pass it off as though you bought something new it feels

Starting point is 00:46:16 weird yeah and it probably changes for me when I think about it over the years like when I was younger or maybe my teenage years early 20s if a friend bought me a gift from marketplace I would have been like scab like you know like would be like so scabby but I was I'm young and dumb right now at this point in my life I would be grateful for anything anyone got me and I would be hyper aware that if someone has gone to marketplace to get you something chances are they're not in the financial situation to get you something else and like or they were able to buy something that was above the amount of money that they could have purchased because it's although there's so many examples of when you would go that's fucking weird like for example if it was your birthday

Starting point is 00:46:53 and i just folded up a jumper that i've had for a while and gave it to you i've never given you something new i'd go to my gift cupboard i think i gave you something back once that you gave me nah jokes so brit has definitely regifted pr gifts before i've been caught out i'm happy for them only because it was engraved with my name and i didn't see it and it was my cousin and i was saving my sister because she forgot her present so don't make me sound like a scab no it's so funny but I do what I mean by this is that I think that there are limitations to it I think it's okay to give versions of something that might be secondhand but like there also has to be the thought that counts in this whole equation because if you're just looking in your wardrobe for

Starting point is 00:47:32 something or looking in your pantry cupboard for something because you didn't buy a gift and you're trying to save cash like that's crap because you're just offloading your own shit onto someone else who probably doesn't want it other opinion and I'm thinking to the conversation you guys have Sarah Wilson maybe it's our opinions on this maybe it's actually like our conditioning on the fact that we think it's cheap and it's scabby maybe we actually all collectively need to change our minds about giving second-hand things so that we all don't have as much shit floating around and going to landfill or I mean yeah I do agree but don't you think it then comes back to still it's the thought that counts totally you can't change the whole society with one gift that you've

Starting point is 00:48:07 purchased from marketplace and being like this is actually because of my morals yeah it's got it's got to be because you if you're going to choose something that is second hand the thought has to matter more you have to have picked that piece because it had a reason as to why you picked that piece not just because it was like convenient to give something from your house that you don't want that's my that's just keep going back to that example look it's multi-layered i think this one's okay she's one you think it's a great toy if you think it's fine and it's not like cracked and broken and old and it's still relatively new then absolutely fine we put too much emphasis as a society, like you just said, Keish,

Starting point is 00:48:43 on like fancy things and superficial things and money and dollar values and how much do they spend and it's crazy. So I think it's fine. All right. Well, then there we go. Sorry, did I deep that? Did I go too dark and like say that we need to change as a society? It's probably true though.

Starting point is 00:48:57 Like we maybe do need to soften our expectations on new things. Oh, for sure. Commercialisation, communism, the world. No, I agree. Anyway, that's it from us, guys. That was an important message. I don't think you need to say it in that voice. let's get out of here

Starting point is 00:49:11 so I can go home I can go home to my house that's full of all of your second hand furniture before we cancel ourselves

Starting point is 00:49:17 bye bye guys you know the drill tell your mum tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love

Starting point is 00:49:22 because we love love and second hand things

Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Second Hand Gifts, Spending Money On Games & Wedding Cold Feet

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