Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Shared Toothbrushes Are NOT a Relationship Milestone & A Heartbreak That Came Out of Nowhere

Episode Date: May 31, 2026

Welcome back to Ask Uncut where we answer your deepest, darkest and most burning questions! Vibes of the week: Britt - Imperfect Women on Apple TV+  Laura - Kidnapped: Elizabeth Smart on Netflix  Keeshia - Kylie on Netflix Then it's into your questions! Q1: MY BOYFRIEND HAS BEEN USING MY TOOTHBRUSH. REGULARLY. Six months in, she catches her boyfriend putting her toothbrush back in the holder. He casually says, "I thought we were at that stage." She was so shocked she didn't react. Now she has the biggest ick of her life and doesn't know how to bring it up. Q2: OUR FRIENDS COPIED OUR ENTIRE RENOVATION After years of work, late nights, and an enormous amount of emotional labour, her renovation is done and she loves it. Then her friends started their reno, asked a lot of very specific questions — and have now copied the whole thing. Right down to the tiles, stones and room colours. Her husband doesn't see the issue. She does. Q3: I THINK MY BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE SECRETLY RICH AND HIDING IT FROM MEEight months in, she loves him and can see a future with him. But he's weirdly intense about splitting everything to the dollar and she's accidentally seen investment account balances, a large transfer, and a land tax invoice on his kitchen bench. He's never mentioned any of it. Q4: FIANCE BROKE OFF ENGAGEMENT AFTER ‘FALLING OUT OF LOVE’They'd been together four years, engaged for one. Both mid-20s. This was her first relationship and therefore her first heartbreak. He told her he'd been dealing with doubts internally for months before finally saying he'd fallen out of love and ending the engagement. She moved back home to her mum's. They've had three weeks of no contact and it's killing her. She still loves him and wants to know: can people fall back in love? TIMESTAMPS 0:00 — Intro 2:57 — Vibes of the week 10:31 — Q1: My boyfriend has been secretly using my toothbrush. Regularly. 15:40 — Q2: Our friends copied our entire renovation 22:52 — Q3: I think my boyfriend is secretly rich and hiding it from me 34:44 — Q4: My fiancé ended our relationship three weeks before our engagement party You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Hosted by Britt Hockley & Laura Byrne Produced by Keeshia Pettit Video Produced by Vanessa Beckford & Lachy Pugsley Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! XxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Ask Uncut where we answer your deep, your dark and your burning questions. Keisha, you just missed this. You stepped outside to try and fix a little technical issue that we seem to be having at the moment and Brittany just scampered off the screen and she was, like, outside doing something. So, like, obviously, if you're just joining us, we're doing distance records. Britt's over in Italy.

We're here in the studio in Sydney. So, Britt, you left the screen. And then I hear a blood-curdling scream, a scream that was so outrageously like someone's dying. And I sat here and didn't even flinch because I knew exactly what was going on. Do you know anybody else who is as obsessed with scaring their partner as what Ben and Britt seem to be?

I don't quite understand it. I don't either. it's kind of weird to me and I love you so much you're literally one of my best friends in the whole world but I've never understood it you're 38 you know what it is usually I love trying to scare Ben because he you know why it's one of those like challenge accepted things he always says he's really hard to scare and he takes a lot of pride in the fact that I can't do it and sometimes when I scare him it's the tiniest little jump but he tries to show no fear so I've taken it as like my personal life mission to scare him.

So I'm always hiding in different places and sometimes I'm sitting there for like half an hour waiting for him to pop around a corner. But he just got me probably one of the best he's ever got me. But, Laura, I don't want you to ever hear me scream and assume it's Ben. If I'm being murdered downstairs. The boy who cried wolf, baby. I want you to try to help me.

I heard it was like, ah! like so loud so loud and so like deep and rich in volume and I was like oh it's Ben jumping out from behind a cupboard but like do you not expect him to be there you live there no because I went down it's always there Brit I went downstairs because my podcast studio here is up in a loft like a little library loft and I can't hear when I've got headphones in and so I woke up and the house is deathly quiet I've been up here for hours so I thought oh Ben's gone out he's gone out to get coffee or food or whatever at the gym I don't know and so I was walking around and there was no sound and so when he's not even here you can't even be slightly on edge and he got me so

bored I think I weed a little bit but you know what the funniest thing is the best part is we always film it so we can watch it back and like pay each other out and he had his phone he was filming it and he got me the best he's ever got me and then he's like fuck I didn't press record so he didn't even get it sucker we're all having dick issues to be fair though i mean you say that he's so hard to scare we've all seen how he reacts to a spider so i mean like if you do want to get the man might be six foot four hundred but he's like very very easily scared by things a daddy long legs yeah yeah oh wait is there a daddy long legs and i was petrified that that is accurate you know how to get him yeah that's accurate all right well look let's get into the vibes and unsubscribes

Britt, what is your vibe? So my vibe is a TV drama this week and it's on Apple. So hopefully you have Apple. This is one of those shows that I have seen, you know, it recommends to you every time you lock in. It's like the number one thing I've seen it recommended to me for ages. And for some reason, the cover photo never took my interest. I don't know why, because it's just three women, but I was like, Oh, I don't know. That doesn't look that good. I have run out of things to watch. So I clicked on it. Now it's called Imperfect Women. And can I tell you, it has been a long time since I have been able to watch a show that I am so deeply enthralled in. I don't want to pick up my phone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I can just sit there and lock

in and watch it. It was so good. The twists and turns, the acting, the things that you don't see coming. I will say it's, you know how we've spoken about it before on the podcast. You know how a lot of these streamers are starting to make shows now that are really dumbed down so that you are able to scroll on your phone, watch, not miss anything. This is not that show. Like there is so much going on that you have to be able to watch it. And I think I realized that I missed that. I think I realized I missed watching these shows that you have to pay attention because if you close your eyes for a second, you've missed like a really big plot twist. And so it's just about these three women. It's called Imperfect Women. It's about these three women that are

best friends and without giving too much away one of them dies which you know that's not a spoiler one of them dies and then it's just this thriller trying to unravel who what where why and it was just so good so I cannot recommend this one enough I hate the idea that they're making content that's dumbed down for our lack of attention is this actually a real thing yeah it's been a directive that they've actually given to script writers and stuff a lot of things that are said in dialogue that are like explaining what's going on in case people aren't actually watching so they have to make it obvious so that you don't miss what's going on that is the a really sad state of the world but then when was the last time you watched something without your phone next to you no but I

also think it's almost is it chicken or is it the egg you know because I kind of feel like these days I don't need to watch the whole thing in order to get what's happening so therefore I'm like I'm bored I need to be doing something else simultaneously it's like we were our own worst enemy with this you got to watch this one it will reinvigorate you like it uses your brain again and Ben, it was really annoying. Ben would be like, hang on, who's that person? And I was like, if you get off your phone, you'll know. I was like, because they've told you three times who that person is. That's me. I'm the person that talks all the way through a documentary or through any sort of TV show. Don't take me to the movies. I have, and I promise this is going to be the last

true crime thing that I recommend because the last couple of weeks, I don't know what's happened. I've turned into Brit. You turned into me. I'm like, watch this true crime thing on Netflix. watch this okay I have one more for you it's dark if you have kids I'm not really sure you're gonna want to watch it it's really really dark but it is absolutely fascinating it's called Kidnapped Elizabeth Smart oh I've watched it oh yeah I knew you had of course yeah so I was about to say hasn't Britta already had this but I've just realized it's I've actually reached out to her on Britta telling me to yes try and interview her I watched through the whole thing and I was like I would be thrilled to get her on to the podcast we've tried we've tried

I mean, she's an advocate now. She speaks all around, actually really, really horrific. She speaks around child sex trafficking is what she talks about. So I definitely don't want to gloss over her story, but she was abducted from her home in Utah and she was abducted by a radicalized cult leader. Now it is truly a fascinating, harrowing story, but I think part of it that I, look, I don't want to give anything away. I don't want to give the whole story. I know you probably, if you've heard of this you would know what happened but it's quite remarkable the role that her sister plays in the storytelling of this and what also is just incredible about it is Elizabeth Smart is being interviewed in this I mean that's not a spoiler she's on in the very

first couple of minutes of the actual show her resilience the way in which she has created a life after what happened to her is just absolutely remarkable and in the telling of the story is her father her sister and herself her mother didn't want to be a part of it but by all accounts she has an incredible family around her and the story is just an unbelievable one so it's called kidnapped elizabeth smart and it is currently trending on netflix laura just on that i just went into my my messages i messaged her for the first time on the 9th of march 2021 that is how long i have been like trying to get this woman because her story has captivated me for years so let's we can try again now I think now with the Netflix doco out I actually think it might

be a better time for us to try and reach out and get her to do this because she clearly is doing quite a bit of public speaking around it she's an incredible incredible woman and especially like if you guys go and watch this and see what she went through as a 14 year old girl like you will all feel the same way that we do like I would love to have a conversation with her amazing well mine is not a particularly hot take I think it's something that a lot of Australians will have watched in the past week and a half it is also on Netflix it is Kylie it is the three-part series about Kylie Minogue and I sucked this up like it was pure sugar I've heard it's amazing I just loved this I've actually met Kylie way long long long time ago it was before I even worked in media

one of my friends was on The Voice so we went to one of the recordings and I just thought she was so phenomenal I also have never felt taller like she is so tiny and I just thought she was amazing And I actually have also met the guy who is kind of attributed for starting the careers of her, Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman. And he worked alongside the PR team of Neighbours. Can you introduce him to me, Keish? Introduce me. He's actually passed away now, which is really sad.

But he was a really phenomenal man. And when I met him for an interview, we spoke about Kylie and, you know, he just had the most glowing things to say about her and just how amazing she was. And so that was always my perception of Kylie. And I thought that everyone always felt that way about Kylie. She's, you know, the pop princess and everybody just loves her. And watching this series, I didn't realize how much I missed of her early career because I was obviously a kid.

It is amazing to me. I know I shouldn't be shocked by this, but the way that women have to continuously reinvent themselves, the way that they are stereotyped to be a bimbo and to be disliked. She was called annoying and all of those typical labels that they put onto people. she was also questioned about are you a musician like are you a singer or are you an actress and it's almost like they couldn't think that the two things could happen in the same very tiny beautiful person and it went into her love story with various people but mostly Michael Hutchence it also then went in the last episode into her cancer journey I just loved this I initially

looked at it and thought oh three hours because you know they're 45 sorry 54 minutes and then 55 and then the last one's like an hour 13 and I was like oh three hours that's a long time it's a lot of Kylie I'm actually almost embarrassed about how quickly I consumed it because I just loved it so much so yeah if you need something that you're going to feel good about and maybe you're going to feel as though you understand a part of Australian history in a way that you didn't before I cannot recommend it more well you certainly won't feel good after watching my one so maybe watch mine first and then watch Keisha's because you'll end it on a high anyway let's get into your questions okay question number one hi girls now i recently found out that my boyfriend has been using my

toothbrush hear me out not once not in an emergency just regularly i only found out because i caught him putting it back into the holder and he casually said oh i just thought we were at that stage we've been dating for six months now i didn't really react when he told me this to be honest i think i was completely in shock but now i have the biggest ick of my life Is this normal? Sorry. A couple's out there just sharing toothbrushes as a relationship milestone. When he said, I thought we were at that stage,

somebody needs to tell him that that's not a stage. That's not a stage that people reach. It's not like happy six-month anniversary. You can use my toothbrush now. Let's throw yours out. Happy six months and now we only need one. Let's share our plug. How about we combine finances and toothbrushes together?

It's fucking disgusting. Why am I okay with, like, male genitalia being in my mouth but I'm not okay with a toothbrush. I would be quicker to suck a dick than what I would to put someone's toothbrush on my teeth. Well, there's the social for today's episode. I agree with that. There's something now, this is where I think the rules about shared toothbrushes are. Are you okay to do an emergency shared toothbrush? Yes, because brushing your teeth with your partner's toothbrush is better than not brushing your teeth at all. That's what I think. But you do that when you are being kidnapped or deserted on an island and you've got no other

option. You don't do it by choice. Like you don't actively wake up and be like, cute, let's share a toothbrush. That's not a thing. When you think about, like, it makes me feel sick. When you think about what a toothbrush is doing, it's like literally getting masticated food out of your teeth, plaque, it's getting all the disgusting stuff in there. And then you are then, I know you kiss each other, but it just hits different for me. Like the thought of what a toothbrush is doing and then putting that in someone else's mouth, personally, emergency only. I'm still recovering from the time like you guys would probably know who Kate Langbrook is she's the host on No Filter on Mamma Mia I'm still recovering from the time when she said on live

radio that her family just often share toothbrushes and I was like I will never recover we love Kate but we're not okay with that we love her I don't say this with judgment although I feel a lot of judgment in my body when I say it like never never ever I would absolutely use mats in an emergency I have no issue in an emergency situation but I'm also like thoroughly pre-washing it and then thoroughly washing it afterwards as well I think the reason why you've gotten the ick is because he's so cavalier about it he's just like and he didn't tell you it's like for example maybe it's not quite as bad as this I wouldn't have an issue if Matt wanted to sniff my underwear but if I walked in and he was doing it every day and he'd just been doing it and wasn't honest

about it I'd be like what how did you why would you really not have an issue if you wanted to do that no that's fine really if he really wanted to go for gold but like tell me don't just do it behind my back it's got to be consensual sniff yeah don't be a creep about it like if my underwear was on the floor and he was like I really want to sniff them I'd be like whatever go for gold I would be saying do it behind my back to Ben I'd be like I don't need to see it if you want to sniff it in private do it that's what I'd say knock yourself out but if you walked in your partner was just like sorry like you'd get the egg I thought we were at that stage I don't know I just think that six months that's a lot sooner than I think you actually get to a sharing

toothbrush stage that to me seems very premature to be willy-nilly with the toothbrush sharing I even have separate toothbrushes for mine and Britt's dogs like I don't even let them share toothbrush yeah you don't let your dog share a toothbrush no they have their own yeah they have their own the blue and yellow one is Bonnie's the pink and purple is Delilah's because you don't share toothbrushes you really don't they're two dollars just buy one yeah but I want to bring it back to the question because the question isn't whether you do or you don't we were all in agreeance that it's not just a normal and standard part of the relationship the fact is is that you didn't react to it you didn't say anything in the moment you said you're in shock

and now he thinks that like the fact that he he thinks you're cool with it right he thinks you only have two options now. One, you bring it up with him and say, Hey, I want to be honest with you. I actually don't like you using my toothbrush, which is fine. You can absolutely do that. Or two, you've got to hide your toothbrush from him. So he stops using it. Like you have to address this. Otherwise you have just got to accept that this guy thinks it's totally normal and rational to not use his and use yours. He's clearly, when he plays the sleepover game, he's not even bringing his toothbrush. He's just using yours. Do you buy him one and leave it in your apartment and be like, hey, babe, there's a toothbrush there for you.

Please don't use mine anymore. I got the impression that he already had a toothbrush there and he just chose to use hers. Like it's almost as though he thinks it's romantic just to share a microbiome. It's not. I'm not here for it. And I don't think you have to beat around the bush. I think it's like, hey, use your own toothbrush.

And also if you're at the point where you're hiding your toothbrush from your partner, you have bigger issues. Like there's bigger things that you need to talk about. Also hide your dirty underwear as well. You never know. you never know guys okay next question our friends copied our renovation my husband and I just finished our house reno after a long-winded couple of years we absolutely love it and were able to do some custom work that we're really proud of friends of ours have just started their renovation and

they keep saying how much they loved ours and they're asking really specific things about it like the colors and the finishes etc I didn't think much of it at the time but they have essentially copied our whole design right down to room colors, tiles, stones, you name it. My husband doesn't seem to see the issue. And at the end of the day, I know imitation is the highest form of flattery, but it has definitely given me the ick for our friends. It took us a better part of a year to choose our final selections and cut into work and family time. And now every time they ask, Hey, where did you get that? Or what color did you pick here? I just gatekeep and say, oh, I can't actually remember.

Am I the arsehole? Is this normal? No, you're not the arsehole. Look, I understand why it's upsetting because people don't realise, especially if it's something that you've laboured over. Don't look at me like that. It was one paint choice, okay? Jewel Luxe Grand Piano, it's a great paint colour.

It's a great colour. Guys, I'm going to not gatekeep this. If you want a great white for your house, Dulux Grand Piano, half or quarter. Keisha went for the full, a bit warm, but it's a great color. We say this because when this question came up, Keisha was like, oh my God, I copied your paint. Ah, loud noises.

What I wanted to say though, Keisha, you can copy all my paints and my tiles and the spew tiles. You can have the whole house. But I think that the reason why it upsets you so much is because you do invest. It's so many micro decisions when you're renovating a house. It's so many late nights looking at tiles. it's so many trips to Mitre 10 or Bunnings to look for like paint swatches like there is so

much time and emotional investment that goes into a renovation and it feels as though your friend just got to sidestep all the hard work and you've done the emotional labor for her and now you get none of the reward except to walk into her house and it looks like the spit of yours so I understand why it's upset you I also understand the reason why it's probably upset you more than it's upset your partner because this is a stereotype but often when it comes to renovating a lot of the aesthetics is chosen by the woman in the relationship like I know in our household like Matt was really enthusiastic about the renovation but when it came to actually like which tie or a or b like I was the one making those final decisions so Laurie do you think that

you like do you see this if somebody did similar you'd be upset I wouldn't be upset no I'll delete my shantimer 2.0 Instagram account no I would definitely take it as like imitation is the highest form of flattery. Like I would definitely see it in that way. But what I'm saying is, is I understand why it's irked you. I understand why it's upset you. Ultimately, I think, is it worth jeopardizing a friendship over? Is it worth like saying, I wouldn't be saying anything to her. I think you've taken the right course by knowing that it's upset you so much that you're like, you know what? I'm just not going to give her all the fine details. It's okay that you've said you've forgotten some of them. You don't have to feel bad about that. That's all right. You've

given them enough legway with the renovation and that I think it's okay that you keep a few things to yourself and a few supplies that you go I don't know who that was I don't remember if you just give me a second hang on my builder's just calling yeah can we just cancel the pink chimney and the blue laundry great okay yeah we'll just put a hole in that I'm just gonna change it it's so funny imagine if I turn up with a pink fireplace imagine someone trying to copy that fireplace though at a few people. Why? I get it. I understand why you're like, man, like get your own brain, like get your own ideas. I get it. But also it doesn't really matter. It is flattery. They are saying that like they love your place enough to spend their own hard money on it. And who's going

to know? Like it's the inside of their house. I just think try to look at it in a different way. It's frustrating because you've done the work and they're taking the easy option, but no one's going to see it like if you guys were going to copy something that I did on the inside like Keisha's whole house is my house like she has morphed it so I don't care no I deserve this I've actually got no individuality no but it doesn't I mean for me and we're saying this on like a funny light note it doesn't bother me and I don't think it ever would because no one else in the world knows the only people that are going to know are your close friends and family if they are matched and intertwined and then everyone knows you did it first so I would just take it as a flex it's

not worth ending a friendship I agree with that completely I think if anything the reality is the people that will know are going to know that your friend copied like the people that are important that are going to look at your house and be like oh my god your house is amazing and then they go into your friend's house they're not going to be like wow you guys really like each other they're going to be like oh my going to the friend's house first she really was obviously inspired by the design you know if anything they're going to be like oh it's a bit weird that she did her house exactly the same. All I'm saying is, is I understand why it's hit you as a frustration, but I definitely don't think that you should allow this frustration to overtake you. And I think

ultimately it's a compliment and your houses are going to look different because they are different houses and like finishes look different in different places. And if she has a few knobs and a few tiles, the same as yours, like, I don't know, I just wouldn't be getting as upset about it. I would be trying to take your husband's approach. I have something very deep to say to you. I think you're going to feel more satisfaction out of your renovation because you put a lot of the hard work into making the decisions. You know, one time someone said to me, you can catch a helicopter to base camp in Everest. And I sat and I was like, huh? And he said, it's the pursuit of actually like climbing the mountain that makes you feel like it's really satisfying. It's the

journey of the renovations that you are going to get a real sense of satisfaction from. And your friend's not going to get that because she's had none of the emotional labor. She's just taken it from you. She'll also have less anxiety and stress though. She's going to have a really nice house. She's going to come out of it feeling fucking great with a great outdoor space. Also like renovating is such a risk, right? Like when you do do something that's outside the box, you know, there's definitely a cookie cutter version of what everyone does when it's renovating. And it's like, you can see it on Pinterest. It's very easy to copy. It's literally the house that I bought.

Wait, let's read between the lines, Laura. If you do something that's creative and different, and I'm assuming that that's obviously what you've chosen, there is a risk. Not everything is always going to work. And what you see on a vision board, then actually kind of like out in a real space and how it all comes together, like that takes a real skill. Not everyone has that skill. Not everyone is able to see something in a Pinterest or a mood board and then visualize what that's going to look like in a space. and you know you have the reassurance that you are someone who is deeply creative you had the vision the vision came together incredibly like you had the vision so much that someone who doesn't have the vision has seen it and been like okay I want to be able to recreate that and I think that that's something that's really cool about being a creative person is like you're always going to have that vision you're always going to have the ability to do something that's different and conceptualize it and put it together and not everyone can create that and that's kind

of something that I guess you can pat yourself on the back for. I agree. All right. Well, next question is an interesting one. Okay. Hear me out. I think that this one is a bit of a weird one. I think my boyfriend might be secretly rich and hiding it from me. Now for context, for context, we have been together for eight months. I love him and I can really see a future with him. However, he is very strange when it comes to money. By no means do I have a lot of money but I am comfortable enough and I have no issue with splitting things 50 50 with him however he always wants to split things to the dollar and seems to keep tabs on everything that we spend whereas I have more of the perspective of what goes around comes around when it comes

to money especially when it comes to relationships and with my partner the issue is that I think he might be rather wealthy and just hasn't shared this with me because over the past few months I have seen random things investment account balances I've seen a large transfer sum on one them. And I've also seen a printed out land tax invoice, which would indicate that he owns property left on his kitchen bench. He has never discussed any of this with me. I don't know how I feel about all of this and whether or not I should even ask him about this question. Now, what I would like to know is, if he is wealthier than he pretends to be, is this a red flag? Should we be paying for things 50-50 like we are, or should he be paying for more? How do I even approach this

with him it is all very odd and makes me question where we are at with our relationship this is interesting to me because eight months together can look very different for different people eight months together you could be engaged and married and living together and sharing all information eight months together could be you're still casually going on like one or two dates a week and you know like they look very different and that's very important because nobody at that stage owes you their personal details and their personal financial details. I think it's different when you are more serious and you are going to be spending your life with someone. I think those conversations are important. But for now, eight months deep, he doesn't need to be up front with

how much money he has and how much savings he has. And one thing I do want to say is paying land tax doesn't necessarily mean he's rich. It means he's got a house or land and he's got a mortgage probably. That doesn't mean you're rich. It means he's probably the opposite. He's probably trying to make the mortgage and it's why he's splitting things 50-50. Now he could be rich. That could be the case. And it is a question that you guys can ask if and talk about when you know that you're going to be a more serious couple. And still he might not want to tell you. The only reason I think money should change in the way that you show up and how you pay for things is if it's very obvious between the two of you that your salaries are different. And so I think assets

and things are different, like him making transfers or him having land tax and a mortgage or whatever else. I think you need to set that aside. If you are really upfront and you know that he earns $50,000 more than you, $100,000, $20,000, whatever it is. Once those conversations are laid on the table, then I think you can start to be meeting halfway, especially if the person that earns more money is wanting to live a lifestyle that is relative to earning more money. and you're, to be able to keep up, you have to be able to say, hey, you're going to have to front some of that. But until you have those conversations and you know, I don't think you can call him out on it. No, I agree. I do think it's interesting though, because I mean, you've said you love him.

I'm guessing you're at a point in a relationship where you are saying that you love each other and like eight months can look very different. However, I almost think we need to pull this because I would like to know at the eight month point of a relationship, if you are committed and saying you love each other if someone owns a property like they own a house or they own even if it's lent whatever it is even if they're in debt because of it I would have thought it would have come up like if I owned an apartment somewhere and I was dating someone it would have been like at some point in the relationship oh yeah I own an apartment or I don't know I to me it's weird to not have shared that information at all and I understand that like no one owes you their

financial situation at that point in a relationship blah blah blah blah but those conversations are what build intimacy in terms of like uh not intimacy as in like we love each other let's talk about money but intimacy in terms of like security stability like they're the things that you talk about when you know that you're heading in the direction of it being something that you can say i can see my future with him all of that sort of stuff so if you've never ever spoken about money ever then i would say yeah of course you can start to have those conversations with him but if you have spoken about money and he's just never mentioned any of this stuff and that's why it's feeling really odd then I think that that would be more of a red flag and more of a conversation

that I want to dig into a little bit because I do think when you say he's very like frugal with money he wants to split things to the dollar all the time like I do think that sometimes like you need to figure out whether or not you're on the same page when it comes to how you both view finances number one reason for couples to split is cheating number two is because they cannot figure out finances like money is something that can become such a hard and I guess like difficult at sticking point in a relationship, I would be asking the questions. I think it's weird to never have mentioned if he owns a property, I think it's weird that he's never mentioned it. I think that that's strange. Even if it's debt, even if it's something that he like, you know, bought years

and years ago, I feel like it would have come up at some point. I agree with yours. But the only thing I do want to say is it's tricky. And I think there are a lot of people that aren't up front with how many assets they own or what their wealth is until they know how serious they are with somebody because at the end of the day we do have de facto laws here which entitles people to have access to their partner's things if they split and it's not that hard to do and I say that that's it's horrible but like you don't need to be with someone or live with someone that long to be able to take them to court when you split and if you split and I think that there'd be some people that are like until I know that this person is going to be locked in forever and even then people still

probably aren't that upfront. I understand why some people might not want to just regurgitate every single thing that they own and all of their assets and all of their savings and their property after eight months. I'm pretty open with it. And Ben and I were open from the start, but I just want to say like devil's advocate. I get why maybe he's not being upfront. I don't think he's a secret billionaire. I know you said he's secretly rich. I think you would know if he was secretly rich, like he'd be living some kind of lifestyle that is reflective of that. But if you're that confused and worried why don't you just ask like ask the question hey do you own property look there was a few more things than just property that she's outlined she said you know that she's

seen bank statements and like large sums of money or whatever it is there's clearly something yeah but even that like don't get me wrong I think that it really does come down to how committed you are in this relationship we don't know that from what you've shared except that you said you love him and you see a future with him but like that doesn't mean that you're as close as what that might sound. You are the only one who knows how far invested you are in a relationship. And I think that this goes for anyone, but I would say that if somebody is hiding significant assets, yet expecting things to be split 50-50 or in a way that is very down the line without being honest around their financial situation, I would at least keep my blinkers off and at least

acknowledge and accept, or at least be wary that potentially they are not going to see finances in a way that actually is equitable or is with you know our mutual best interests at heart like they might be out for themselves when it comes to money a little bit and I say this because we know that financial abuse is a very very important thing that especially women should be at least wary of I'm not saying that that's what he's doing but I think it's important and it's good that you've at least addressed is this a red flag and should I be asking questions I think ultimately if you have a direct conversation with him and say you know I saw this do you own a property I just wanted to ask because like if you do I don't care I just would love that we're at a point in a relationship

where we can talk about things more openly because it could be that he's trying to hide it or it could be that he's just not at a place where he trusts the relationship enough to have those conversations and I think unless you ask the question you're certainly not going to know where that stands I would find that like omission of I would find it really weird and just weird I also think it depends on your values of whether you want someone who is like quite generous and and I don't mean like you don't want a sugar daddy but you don't want someone who's going to be counting oh you owe me 75 cents because I spent groceries on this and like especially if they're well up to me if someone is financially well off and they are cutting it to the very like scent in the middle

it just makes me be a bit like what why you know like why are you so if it's not something you have to be careful about I don't know to me to me I would be a little bit like this feels weird and uncomfortable. And maybe that's because I'm not like that. I'm not the type of person who will cut it down to the dollar and be like, we owe each other this. And I think that that's probably why it's come across as even weirder to you when you're like, I'm someone who's got the attitude of what goes around, comes around. It's pretty disorientating than being in a relationship with someone who's like, oh, I just paid for dinner and it was $79. Can you please transfer me? Why did I pick an amount that's not easy to split down? $34. Do you know what I mean? Like, but

That is, that's a frustrating thing. If you're someone who doesn't count dollars in the same way, and then you're in a relationship with someone who's like, Hey, can you transfer me this? It feels as though there isn't this like openness around money. It's why I say it's so important that you guys are kind of on the same page with how you view money, like your money values. But ultimately I do think that it's okay to ask the question. It's up to him as to whether he wants to be honest about it. But if you've seen an invoice for land tax on his kitchen counter, that's addressed with his name on it then the guy owns property like he yes he owns he owns land and i don't think you have to know what they earn i actually still don't know what my partner earns

and we have a house which a lot of people might find weird but we do have we have a joint bank account that we contribute to we have the house that we purchased as tenants in common not joint tenants so he's actually a 60 owner i'm 40 and i it's not like i think you have to know exactly what that person has coming in per week per year that kind of thing I just think it's the value system that you spoke about that's important yeah I think it's just I guess like having a bit of an overview and not feeling as though their secrets is different and maybe it's because you feel as though there's a secret that this is ringing alarm bells I don't think he has to tell you right now what he's you said you saw an investment portfolio he doesn't need to tell you what he's

invested in I believe that like he's in his own person you're eight months deep I don't think he needs to tell you every single thing about his life I think a better way to maybe approach it is to make sure you're on the same page with how you view money if you're going to take it seriously and they are very normal questions and questions you should be having and discussions you should be having so sit down instead of saying hey do you have a property and also are you secretly rich and also I saw your investments it doesn't have to be that but it's like hey if we're getting more serious how do you see like us splitting things in the future do you see us like putting money into a shared bank account or you know have those discussions because you would

never move in with someone in my opinion I would never move in with someone or take something more seriously if I didn't understand the way they viewed money and how they thought was okay to split finances so I think that that is a really probably a good way to enter that conversation what's your idea about property in the future like would you want to buy a house together one day like what do you think about the new budget has that put you off buying a house now do you want to build but seriously like because that's changed what people are going to do can you get the first homeowners grant no you can't because I saw that you had a land tax bill exactly Keish bring up the budget it's very important bring up the budget so I think I think those conversations are probably

the angle that I would be taking last question hey girls so about eight weeks ago my fiance and I separated it was not mutual at all and came completely out of the blue we were three weeks off throwing our engagement party oh my god that's huge that's so hard yeah we have been together for four years and engaged for one year and are both in our mid-20s. For me, this was my first relationship and so by default, my first big heartbreak. He basically said that he had fallen out of love with me and that is the reason for calling it quits. He said he has tried internally for months and tried to change his feelings but with the pressure of the engagement party coming up, it just didn't feel right to continue. Now, I have moved back to my hometown and back in with

my mom to recalibrate for a little bit. We've officially done about three weeks of no contact and it is absolutely killing me. I still love him so much and I miss him so much. A huge part of me wants things to work out and to try and get back together with him. But another part of me knows that he needs time to grow up a bit and realize the commitment that he was making when he proposed only one year ago. I guess I'm wondering, firstly, how can someone just fall out of love? Since this is my first relationship, I've never experienced anything to this level. And two, do you think people can fall back in love with each other and if not now sometime in the far future thank you so much guys I really appreciate the podcast it's been helping me through this really awful time

this is so devastating I'm so sorry especially when it sounds as though there weren't signs you know like you got no closure yeah that's the part that's like seems quite incomprehensible it's like he's asked you to marry him you are blissfully preparing for a wedding and then all of a sudden his I guess cold feet I don't know and the thing is we only know one side of the story there might have been signs he might have been expressing that he wasn't happy or unsure like we don't know any of that however all I do really want to say to this is like I can't imagine how hard it would be seeing the certainty of your future and then having to tell your family and friends and go through the processing of the fact that it's not happening now I think it is too soon at the

three week mark for you to be thinking about this idea of like can we fall back together in love again like I think ultimately at the moment the decision that he's made he needs to work through whatever it is that he's going through he needs some time to decide whether or not he's made a mistake he wants to be with you but you also need to take some time to decide whether or not you'll accept that if he comes running back because you also need to remember and really, really, I want you to take stock on this. It's not normal to break up with someone a few weeks out from your engagement party and from getting married.

And if he does a backflip on this and doesn't have a good reason as to why he did it in the first place, then I would be asking and be really questioning whether his commitment is something that I could rely on. Because what about when things get hard when you have kids? What about when things, you know, he feels pressure at work or there's something else big that happens in his life. like it's not normal to just break up with someone cold feet are okay dumping a relationship having to completely upend your life is not a normal thing to just come back from instantly

I think that there's going to have to be a lot of work that's done here if you're ever going to repair this relationship there's a few aspects to this that I want to break down firstly I'm devastated for you because I just can't imagine the whiplash that you feel when you're three weeks away from your engagement party and then the next day you're moving back in with your parents and you're heartbroken like that to me is really unfair and I say unfair because you said that he told you he had been dealing with this alone internally for months and then made the decision on his own that is a red flag I think in itself because even when you are having those feelings in a relationship you should be communicating it hey something is happening I don't feel right

about it like I'm not sure we should be getting married you at least get give your partner the respect when you've been together years and you're about to enter this next chapter of life. I think that should be something talked through, not I've dealt with it. I can see you later. So that to me is really unfair. But what I want to say to you is, and I actually, Laura, I know you said it's not that normal. It's not normal to break up right before a wedding, but I know three people that have, I know three different people that have called their relationship quits when they were basically ready to go. Like they were weeks away from their wedding. Yeah. And I think that what happens sometimes is in those situations people get can get swept up in this idea of

this is what's supposed to happen and this is the story of my life and the sunk cost fallacy and we've been together this amount of time the next thing is to get married the next thing is to have kids and I don't know what has happened to make him fall out of love with you but to answer your question yes people can fall out of love and they do fall out of love and it sucks when it is only one-sided but there's not much you can do unfortunately it takes two people to want to be in a relationship and when there's only one person that wants to commit it's taken out of your hands and when you I think you can go as long as you have said you made your feelings very clear and you have tried to understand and you have told him how you feel that you want to work through it

and you've done what you can if he's still showing up and saying sorry like it's not for me it is one of the hardest things to accept in life like unrequited love but there is literally nothing you can do two people need to commit and only one is can I ask your friends who went through that situation with hindsight are they glad that the partner ended things before they got married one is she has moved on and with somebody else and I guess that hindsight is a wonderful thing because at the time you don't see it but when you're with your new partner and you're like oh this is why that happened you know I've found my feet and the other one is still working through it but the acceptance is there but I don't think they got the closure and they didn't understand

but they've accepted and I think they're two separate things but what I think is like a really important thing I guess what I was trying to say is it's not so much around like it's just being like protective of yourself because you can wish for them to come back you can wish for the relationship to be back where it was you can wish that you fix it you get married and like this never happened. The thing is, is you can't wish away that this has happened and that this person for whatever reason got cold feet, decided that they weren't in love with you, said that they weren't in love with you anymore. Those things are so deeply, it hurts, it leaves a wound. And sometimes I think we hope to repair the relationship and go straight back to where we

were. And so when you say, you know, can we fall back in love? Can we fix this? It's a possibility you guys might get back together in the future, but you're certainly not going to get straight back to being engaged and getting married in a couple of weeks time do you know what I mean like there has to be some sort of repair or responsibility or I guess like closure for you that makes you feel safe that he's not just gonna fucking run away again right so he may have made this decision and it may be incredibly final and you may never get back together and in which case it is truly awful and the only thing that's going to fix it is time for you is time time to heal time spent with people that you love time spent on yourself like it's the most corniest cliched

saying around time heals everything but like it is the only thing that's going to fix this situation but there is a possibility that he changes his mind and in a few months time he thinks what the hell have I done and he comes crawling back and he's like I want to fix this and I want to be with you and you might still want to be with him and that's okay if you guys do fix it however there has to be some other repair other than just we're back together you know what I mean because the damage of this is really really great and I think give yourself the time to heal and also the time to repair it don't just assume that you can jump back to being like oh we're now we're back together we're gonna get engaged it's gonna be perfect again because it's so destabilizing to

have someone completely walk out of a relationship and tell you that they're not in love with you anymore the other thing that I want to say here and I don't want to say this to infantize you because that's not what I mean by it you're in your mid-20s I want to say it because it's real you said that this is your first relationship and your first heartbreak and a first heartbreak hits differently it really does and when you haven't experienced something because we this this saying of like you live and you learn it sounds cliche but it is true and when you go through things you do adapt and you learn that you can survive and you learn what a pain is and what it feels like, and that it's not going to end you. And over time, I do think you adapt in those

situations. And when you have only known this person, which is beautiful, but it comes with its own repercussions, right? You've only known this person, you've only known this life, and you've only romanticized this one future. You've never given your brain any way of thinking outside the box of what a life could be. Like you have been so certain for your adult life that this is how it's going to roll out. And it's very jarring when it doesn't happen that way. But I would be giving yourself the time because I do think that there are multiple people for us in this life. I don't think we have one soulmate. And somebody saying to you, I have fallen out of love with you, it doesn't mean they don't love you. I'm sure he still loves you and cares about

you and the time you've spent together. But what he's saying is, when I look at the next 50 years of my life I'm not convinced that we're going to be right for each other and maybe if you can start to try to understand that and that there may be another path for you it might help you a little bit but time will help you and I know that that's also cliche and you said that Laura but it does help and when you realize you can be happy again and that there is another path out there for you you might look back and thank him and I know that's crazy to hear right now because you're in the depths of like I can't imagine the pain that you're in but there are multiple lives that we can live and I promise you whatever happens you will be happy again I know it is an impossible

thing to believe when you're in it like there's no amount of you saying like you know you haven't had another heartbreak so you don't know that it's possible to fall in love like when you put yourself back to that situation and you put yourself back to what that feels like and obviously everyone's experience is different but I don't want to diminish how poignant yours is like you're engaged this isn't just like a big breakup like you're engaged you were getting married you've planned all of those things like that is a way bigger breakup than just a normal first heartbreak absolutely and I do think that that like it's really important to recognize that because like it is going to be so much harder to just overcome absolutely we live different lives we we have like

chapters of lives and chapters of relationships in life but I don't think that this will be one that will be easy for you to get over and that's not to say that you won't move into another chapter in years to come but I don't even think that right now you could be thinking about like but I'm gonna maybe marry someone else like right now you just got to try and heal you and I think ultimately there is going to be a lot of waves of this there's going to be days where you have days where you start to feel okay and then you're going to see something or hear something that's going to throw you straight back into missing all the things that you guys shared together but I'm sorry I'm sorry this is awful I feel like you're not just grieving the relationship you're

grieving the future that you'd planned as well which is so hard there's that typical thing and I don't know how much this is like actually being surveyed in people but have you guys heard that thing where they're like women typically grieve a breakup immediately to three months like we really struggle in those first three months we like live in the sads right for men I think it hits like three or four months later, and then they start to, you know, miss the relationship and miss all those kinds of things. Maybe just kind of have your wits about you for those time periods. I don't know how reliable they are, but I've definitely read it in articles and it seems to kind of be relatable in my own life as well. I think that in my situations,

it has been true. So by the time that you get to the three month mark, you might be starting to kind of feel a little bit better. And there's a chance that he's going to do the flip and that's where you need to just try and try and do what is actually going to be best for your future because like you guys have both said there may be a time in your life where you're really glad that this happened you know before you got married and before it was harder to actually end your relationship you know there's so many memes about that quiche which is like the second you're happy they sniff it out they come back they have a radar but it's it is true though like I mean if I think back on my experiences and like my big big heartbreaks that I've had and and the one that

was like you know the six-year relationship I was like finally coming up for air and finally like coming good again and they're like you're happy let me come back and play all of a sudden they're like oh my sorry I smelt happiness on you and I wanted to drag you back down into your misery so the last thing I do want to say in all seriousness is I understand how you are feeling right now and I understand there's a big part of it that women specifically feel like they're never going to meet that person or they're going to be aged out or we feel this societal pressure and like everyone else is getting married and we've got a biological clock. All I want to say at the back of that is like, I met my love of my life at 35. And I'm not saying that as in like, oh,

you're going to wait 10 years. But I just think we can, it's very easy to get caught up because I had those feelings in my twenties. I was like, no one's going to want me after 30. I felt like I'd be like put on the shelf, you know? And it's, it's just not true. There's no one path and one structure for anyone in life and sometimes we can get buried in society and heartbreak in our own thoughts and we can forget those things I think as well it's sometimes the feeling of like I don't want to start again yeah it's not just it's not just like the age because obviously objectively 25 you're still so young but it's this idea of like but I had it figured out like I knew what it was that I wanted I don't want to start again I don't want to date I don't want to fucking go

on online dating and meet people I don't want to have to sit down and tell people my life story I think like don't even get ahead of yourself with that stuff like you need to heal and like breakups take time and that is the only thing going no contact is so important three weeks of no contact it feels like hell on earth keep it up like don't message don't try and break that because like you really have to do the work which is like rewiring your brain and the codependence and the the neurons that you've formed that's made you fall so in love with this person like You need time to rewire all of that before you even consider what does life look like, dating and everything else again.

Book a holiday with a friend if you can. Yeah, absolutely. That's the only anecdote. Anecdote? Antidote. Antidote. And also keep your wits about you when you hit that three to six month mark. Anyway, guys, that is it from us.

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