Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Short back and sides, cheating husbands and can you be friends with your friends ex?

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

Lifers, it is THURSDAY! Which means we are here to answer your deep dark and burning questions..., and boy do we have some doozies for you!To shave or unleash the secret garden... What should I do to my vagina before I go into labour?My husband is cheating on me and I have a 12 week old baby... helpCan you stay friends with your friends ex?... Asking for a friend.If you loved this ep don't forget to subscribe, leave a review and tell your mum, tell your Dad, tell your friends, tell your dog and share the love, because WE LOVE LOVESee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. This is Ask Uncut. It is our quick, down and dirty episode where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. And today it has to be extra quick because I have one boob. It's my right boob. I need to breastfeed so bad or it's going to explode. Or I'm going to get mastitis. One of the two.

Let me just clarify what she means there. She doesn't have one boob. She's so tired she couldn't finish the sentence. She has one boob that's very full. I have one. Okay. You have two breasts. Other breastfeeding mamas is going to get this.

I have one normal sized boob. There's probably no milk in that one. But the right one is about four sizes bigger and it looks like someone has just stuck half a watermelon onto me and it is constantly leaking. what does it mean when i have that but i'm not breastfeeding you probably need to go to the doctor my left no my left bib's bigger and it's constantly leaking it doesn't leak no but like in terms of size i think i mean everyone has a little difference don't they but mine i've nicknamed him lefty my sister calls it lefty it's a big my left bib's bigger nah look at this i know

you showed me the other day it was huge it's like one of them looks like a whole moon and the other one's like hey guys just in my training bra the left one for laura's like an eclipse and the other one's a full moon love that yeah anyway so that's where we're at today but guys we have something to tell you if you didn't listen to the bonus episode that we released yesterday so funny this is just a little reminder we snuck it in there late afternoon yesterday so you may not have seen it in your inbox yet so once you finish this episode you can jump on over and yesterday's bonus episode is all of your funniest most fucked up most absolutely wild accidentally unfiltered stories that have happened to you in the workplace so get on it it's been a really funny week actually

for life uncut and the i have no more to say at the end of that sentence we really wanted to bring some laughs because you know we know that you victorians are in lockdown and it's really unfortunate news that it looks like you're going into another week of lockdown so we wanted to just have a really great week we had becky on tuesday it was so funny we got the bonus episode yesterday so if you haven't listened to that listen to that and maybe if we can find the lols we'll bring you a funny episode today although the questions that we have are not very funny some of them are serious one is a bit light-hearted don't tell them that they might check out anyway let's get into the questions okay question number one help i am currently 6.5 months pregnant the end no i'm

joking she's gonna end up your life is over you're gonna have one big boob and one of them that's deflated i'm 6.5 months pregnant with my first child i've managed to come to terms with the fact that i'm basically never going to see my vagina again until this baby is out the one thing that i'm really actually stressing about is how to present my vagina for the birth now i know this is ridiculous but i would never go to my gynecologist without shaving and the thought of being spread eagled in front of a bunch of people that i don't know while i'm pushing a watermelon out of my vagina is not sitting well with me there's conflicting information online about what the go is and of course my ob gyne is just going to say do whatever makes you happy but seriously

what the hell do i do to my vag what the hell is everyone else doing to their vag are you maintaining in it or are you going wild what would you do brit okay well i'm actually going through this at the moment because i'm egg freezing and every second day of the whole process i have to go and get an internal ultrasound i spread eagle every two days this week it's the most action i've had in a long time and i have to have a probe put into my vagina and they scan your ovaries and your follicles and the first day i was really nervous because i've i'm going to be completely like an overshare here since George's left I have not done any maintenance I have been like I am just going to live my best wild life just getting back to my 90s roots and growing it out long

luscious and free yeah I'm not I haven't been swimming getting a crew cut I'm getting lucky so I was like I'm just gonna like relax for a little while and then the morning of my first ultrasound I was like what am I gonna do and I panicked there wasn't enough time to do it there wasn't enough time to do a wax because I'm a waxer I'm usually a Brazilian waxer I do it myself I've done it myself for years that's so weird that you can wax your own butthole i don't do my butthole i just do everything else but that's that's a brazilian well you've got to do in my head brazilian just means like everything's there's no landing strip there's no like maintenance it's just like everything everything's gone except britney has a hairy bumhole okay like okay daily

mail take that out britney doesn't all have a hairy butthole you can't see it because you've been doing it yourself i'm not a hairy i'm not a hairy person as an update this is so sidetracked did have laser a long time ago so I definitely don't have hair there I like that this is the one thing that you're getting annoyed about of all the things that I say it's a hairy butthole oh well some of us have them yeah you anyway um so I panicked I didn't have a lot of time to get into the city for my appointment so I quickly just gave it like a trim down shave so it was like had no shape to it but I just like you know in scary movie how they get the chainsaw out and they're like and they shave the vagina down you don't know the scene I'm talking about everyone

else listening knows for sure it's so funny I'm just imagining you giving it a short back and sides and walking in being like I'm ready just give me an undercut and walk school book your haircut I just thought I didn't really think about it till right now it's definitely something that people think about and can I just say she didn't even look she she didn't appreciate it it wasn't a big deal I definitely didn't have to do it and then for the following two weeks I haven't worried at all because it's not as much as we feel like it is a really big deal it absolutely is not to anyone else and as someone that's worked in a hospital forever I see naked patients and their genitals every single day without doubt no patients wear underwear they're like it's just what it is

we're lifting legs up we think people care and notice things a lot more than they do I remember it was the same with stretch marks when I remember getting stretch marks when I I went from like an a cup to a d cup really quickly as a teenager and i was mortified because i got these stretch marks no one even knew you couldn't even see them no one cared as much as i do so i think do whatever you're comfortable with no one when there is a baby coming out of your vagina no one in that room no professional is going to look at you and say shame she didn't shave i just think as well like good on you like this is the one thing that you that is causing you anxiety about the whole birthing experience then like I'm I'm like that's great because like most people are afraid of the

actual giving birth or pooping in front of their partners or whatever it is I mean warranted there's so many other things that you can stress out about so if you're like do you know what I really want my vagina to look nice then like go for it like what are you whatever go get a wax go do a laser oh no you can't laser when you're pregnant just whatever you feel comfortable with genuinely like like Brit said nobody else in that room cares so so long as you feel comfortable I mean my vagina was about seven times more swollen than what it normally is. And I could pretty much see it from my knees. So it really didn't matter what I did. It wasn't not going to look any prettier, but I'm very proud to say it's all back to normal now, guys. And things do go back kind of to where

they're supposed to be. Well, what did you do? Did you just leave it wild or shave it or did you get a wax? Oh, I did nothing. I hadn't seen it in literally five months. Like probably from when I was at a first trimester, I couldn't see it anymore. So they had to fight their way in to get the baby out yeah so I was like I don't really care whatever but no one saw it so I was just kind of lived my best life that's just my hairy 90s best life it's a good point Laura that you really are only doing this for you and absolutely if this is your stress and this is what's triggering you go to a beautician you're not going to be able to do it yourself because you're not going to see and there's no way you should be letting your partner down there absolutely not do not trust

him with a tub of hot wax at your vagina but just go to a beautician and she's going to know straight away you are not the only one you need to be like lady I cannot see what's going on down there can you just do some sort of maintenance and send me on my way she will I can guarantee it you would be the third person she's had that day I like that when you said don't let your partner down there I thought you meant like ever at all like it's totally out of balance no yeah she means like for the maintenance process you can absolutely let your partner down there I mean I honestly there is so much about my body that when I was pregnant I just gave up on I was like yeah exercise is really hard when I got to about the seventh month I was like cool not going to do

that yep can't see my ankles not going to shave those haven't clipped my toner or everything like all of the self-care stuff that normally you would care about because you can physically see it I was like I can't be bothered I'm so out of breath but if you can be bothered I think that there's probably a lot of other women who are in your camp as well like I know that a lot of girlfriends I know my sister have gone and done maintenance not only have they gone and done maintenance down here they go and get like a blow wave before they go into labor like you know like a lot of people want to feel like they look good or they feel good because you know those things are kind of intrinsic sometimes you know when you look good you feel good as well and that is something that's

important to them before they go into have birth so i think do whatever makes you happy but just know that that obstetrician has seen the full spectrum of hairy untamed wild free beasts and you can do whatever you want live your best life girl all right question number two this is one that really made my blood boil and it's a little bit more serious. Hey ladies, I'm so conflicted at the moment. I'm sure it's obvious what I should do, but it's really hard right now and having a newborn together makes it super, super hard. Backstory. My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for five, two dogs, a house, and we now have a 12 week old daughter. I was recently going through photos on my old phones as I'm lazy and haven't backed them up yet

and was just reminiscing. As I was at home, the phones were connected to the wifi. All of a sudden a Facebook messenger chat is popping up on my screen. I know the face immediately. It's an ex fling from before we got together eight years ago. As I trust my husband, I just drag it down and ignore it until I see her responding to messages that must have been sexual. I could tell by the preview. So I opened it up and to my surprise, my partner who is literally at home for lunch right now, he's in the toilet and he's describing to her exactly what he wanted to do to her so very explicitly and descriptively. He was also asking for snaps and how much he looks forward to her weekend snaps so obviously this wasn't a one-off. I felt so sick that I just left

for my daughter's doctor appointment. I had no idea what to say but when he called me while I was driving I just couldn't not mention it. He got so defensive and just said they're just messing around then he got angry at me saying he's felt neglected lately and it's my fault. When I got home we had a big chat about it because I felt guilty but now it's the next day and I'm angry and I'm shattered I'm angry that it happened I'm angry that he blamed me and put it all on me and now he's saying that I either have to move on or we end it we have built a life we've shared so much love and I still do love him you can't just turn that off after so long but I'm struggling to move on from it so quickly I don't want to bring it up again and again but I'm just not satisfied

with how I was blamed for his actions I don't know if it's happened before and I don't know if it will happen again I don't want to be the wife who looks over his shoulder when he's on his phone I want to be able to trust him. How do you repair this trust? It's only been two days but I'm struggling. I don't want to tell my parents or friends because it's embarrassing and I don't want to be judged if I stay and I didn't know who else to ask. Oh that is big. He is a piece of SHIT. I have a lot of feelings about this and I think you are being so hard on yourself if you think that you're going to be able to get over this in two days you're not and you are 100% not to blame for this like nobody asked to be cheated on you are not neglecting your partner

you have a 12 week old baby which takes so much time and energy and all of you it takes all of you and that's a commitment that you guys made when you decided to have a kid like the relationship changes hugely and I understand that maybe he is feeling neglected and maybe he is struggling with this shift, but that does not in any way excuse this behavior. And his reaction to this is quintessential gaslighting. That's what he is doing to you. And I think, you know, I hope that you maybe one go and listen to our gaslighting episode that we did really arm yourself with information about what that looks like, what that feels like, what that sounds like, but him and his reaction being to be defensive. What that does is it doesn't give you the opportunity to be able to

heal to be able to get validation or clarification and to move on so you are not going to be able to move on until he actually acknowledges what he's done is sorry for what he's done and then makes amends to make you feel safe that he's never going to do it again but the reality is he's not giving you any of that so you're being way too hard on yourself I genuinely don't think you're going to be able to move on from this unless he is able to give you those things you literally could have seen the steam coming out of my ears when i read this i was so mad and i have a few things that i want to say firstly the height of him overall just the height of him secondly the height of him to do that while he's in the room next to you pretending like he's taking a shit but really he's just on

the phone messaging another chick also don't sext anyone while you're doing a shit anyway but also don't sex someone when your wife and your baby are sitting in the room next door do you know what like you don't it doesn't matter it doesn't matter where or how he was doing it it's the what and the why of him doing it what I want to say first is exactly I just want to reiterate what Laura just said absolutely there is nothing no part of this was you no part of this was you're doing and no part of you should feel guilty the fact that you said you went straight home to talk to him because you felt guilty he has made you feel like that he's obviously very manipulative it is the number one thing that somebody does in this situation when they've been caught out and they're in the

wrong the first thing they'll do is get defensive and shift the blame and make you feel bad if they're a piece of shit well i mean generally that's what people will do if they're not going to accept defeat and say well you got me i cheated what they're going to do is flip the table make you feel bad so that you feel horrible and all of a sudden they're back in control you're not going to get over this in two days you might not get over this in two months you might not trust him for a year there's no right or wrong timeline here one thing you can be sure about is that you have to talk this out and you have to get to a place you're comfortable with or it will just cause fights and it will fester because you're not going to trust him every time his phone goes

off every time he says he's going out every time he has a work thing you are going to sit at home you won't sleep and you're going to worry that he's still cheating on you what he has done by saying you get over it or we split up is wrong on so many levels and I don't know your relationship but the thing that stood out to me here is I think he's saying this to you because I think he thinks and probably knows because you obviously love him a lot and you have a 12-week-old daughter, he thinks there's no way you're going to leave him. So the reason he said get over it or we leave

is because he knows the only real option to that is you to get over it because he knows you're not going to leave. Yeah, he's calling your bluff. He's calling your bluff and he just hopes that you move on and forget about it because you couldn't fathom and you shouldn't have to fathom going and being on your own because your partner cheated on you with a 12-week-old child. I think that however you want to approach this,

personally I don't think anger in these situations even though you're entitled I don't think that when you enter an argument with anger I don't think you get anywhere and this is just me I think that you need to sit on this for a while you can still have the anger 100% but don't go in guns and blazing and fighting because it's very obvious that he's going to fight back he's not going to accept it and you're not going to get anywhere I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel and you need to tell him why you feel like that and why you guys not resolving it now is going to be very problematic for your future relationship and you need to have a conversation if he doesn't want to come to the table and doesn't want to borrow it then you need to figure

out within yourself what you're happy to live with and what you're happy to accept because ultimately this decision will come back down to you be very aware and ready for him to not want to talk about it and to still blame you and to not want to apologize and then you need to know what you want to do with that information if it goes that way I also just want to add to this like you set the standard for how you want to be treated and I really believe this and this is not me saying that you ask for someone to do the wrong thing by you by any means please don't interpret that in the wrong way but what I mean is is when somebody wrongs you you set the standard ongoing from that moment how you want to be treated so if you don't face this conversation

if you don't say hey do you know what this is completely unacceptable to me you're not in the position to give me an ultimatum about what I need to make up my mind on right now and actually I'm going to go and stay with my mom or go and stay with my sister for a couple of days while I think about things and you think about things as well and you think about why you've done this and decide whether or not you're sorry now I know you've said you don't want to go and speak to your family members or to your friends because you're embarrassed, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You don't need to protect him in that way because you haven't done anything wrong. And I just really want to continue to reiterate that mantra to you. The other thing that's really

important in this is that Britt and I, we advocate for the fact that it is possible to overcome cheating in a relationship. You can have incredibly fulfilled relationships after cheating has happened or after infidelity but you can only have fulfilling relationships if the person who has done the cheating is sorry for it is remorseful for it and has taken steps to not do that again so without that change without that validation from him without that acceptance from him this is not going to go anywhere and all all that's going to happen is that your feelings have been invalidated you're told to shut up stay quiet just accept it and you're going to end up living a life that you're not happy with yeah and just to add to that that is definitely very

circumstantial in terms of you can have a great healthy relationship and a loving relationship after infidelity it is that's not someone you know that's been had a double life for 10 years or has done horrific things that's someone that you have found out has done the wrong thing have been remorseful you've talked about it you've worked towards a future and that also just doesn't come from Laura and I being like yeah someone could cheat on me and we'll forgive them that just comes from a lot of research and a lot of a lot of digging into these topics researching a lot of studies that psychologists have come out and said and relationship therapists have come out and said some of their most successful clients have been from infidelity and they've gone on

and become happier than they were before the infidelity so I'm not and like this isn't me like I fucking I hate what this guy has done there's not one thing that's right about it and So we're not saying forgive him at all. We're saying you just need to figure out what is acceptable and if you can move past it, but you both have to be on board with that. Whether that is for you to say to him, I would like an open phone policy now,

if you are really not doing the wrong thing and you've never done the wrong thing and you're not going to do the wrong thing, that shouldn't be an issue. If that's what you need, 100% you can voice that. That is warranted, especially in this situation. Maybe you need to say, I wanna go to counselling. I wanna go to therapy together

and you need to be on board with that. you have to know what you want. You have to go into this talk with some ground rules and he has to meet you at the table. And then you need to be very aware of what you want to do if he doesn't. And also one more thing on this, I know this has been a long answer, but we can kind of go round and round on this. There's so many aspects to this that make both Britt and I really angry as in like just the pure fact that you have been so, so textbook gaslit in his behavior and that he's not taking any acknowledgement he's not taking any responsibility for it and putting it all back on you is just it's just so fucking wrong it makes me so mad and i just well i want

to go and punch him no i don't physical violence is never the answer people the last thing i want to say though is is that you mentioned in your question that you don't want to be the type of person who feels like they need to check his phone or check his emails or whatever it is you don't want to feel like you're constantly looking over your shoulder to check on his behavior nobody wants to be that person in a relationship there is not one person that I know that Brit knows or me myself when I have been that person in a relationship I hated myself when I was doing it but it usually is cause and effect it is because you don't trust that person I don't check Matt's phone we have an open phone policy I've talked about it loads on the podcast but I never check

his phone because he never ever makes me feel like I need to check his phone whereas because he is not validating your feelings he's not remorseful and he is gaslighting you you are going to become that person. And that is why communication is so important because he's just shutting it down right now and getting away with it. I have Jordan's social media logins, email logins, because he asked me to do some stuff for him and he doesn't really do that shit. So I have all of those and I don't check them because the fact that he's like, yeah, you can have the manicure. I just trust him enough that I don't need to go in and look. I don't think he's doing anything wrong but the fact is if he is I'd find out about it because I do have access it's funny

isn't it it's the guy that you're dating that puts his phone down face down at dinner it's the guy that like you know quickly closes his laptop when you come over it's the guy that's like just you know inconsistent in his behavior that's the person who you're like hey I want to fucking look at your phone and they'll be like as soon as they go to the toilet you're like I'm gonna turn the phone over and look at it or did they take the phone with them to the bathroom that's the person who you feel suspicious by and that's the guy or girl who makes you into the person that you don't want to be and unfortunately like to wrap this all up your husband's behavior is going to turn you into that person it's going to turn you into the person that you don't want to be unless he's remorseful

unless his behavior changes and unless he takes responsibility and don't let him right now he's not done any of those things so big fucking conversations for you guys coming up and we want to know what happens i was about to say keep us posted i want to know what i really do want to know with this one that was a really heavy one i don't like those questions because i hate watching somebody go through that sort of turmoil in their relationship makes me I just feel physically sad for them yeah all right we'll move on to another one this is the last one ladies I had this discussion with my friends but I still don't know where it stands what do you think about staying friends with your friend's ex my friend and her boyfriend have recently split and I'm super close

to both of them but I don't want to make it weird for her to stay friends with him on the other side as well staying good friends with your ex's friends so I guess essentially still infiltrating your ex's life without being in your ex's life I'd love to know what you guys think hit me up what do you reckon Laura can I stay friends with Matt if you guys split up oh look I think that this is this is case by case okay this is a very case by case situation yes of course you can stay friends with them however Britt and I we're so close if Matt and I broke up I would be pretty fucking pissed if you're going over to Matt's house and having dinner with him. And I was just sitting at home, like watching repeats of Seinfeld sat on the couch with the two kids. Like that

would make me feel sad. I'd be like, Hey, I know that we're all friends, but I thought we were closer friends. I'm not saying that you have to pick a side because that's a bit juvenile, but I do think you have to be respectful of all parties and maybe consider what level of friendship do you have? Are you going above and beyond to pursue a deeper connection of friendship with your friend's ex than what you had when you guys were together because if that's what you're doing that's kind of weird but if you just stay in touch like you send the odd message you're there you're supportive maybe catch up for a coffee if they're in the same neck of the woods then that's fine but I think you kind of have to make that choice the only time that it might be different for example

is just say Brit you became friends with both of us at the same time and our friendship was always a friendship as a three of us so therefore it's not so much like you being friends with my ex it's like well the three of us were the best of friends and the friendship was totally equal and so now you have independent friendships with both that's a completely different situation in which case I think you just have to suck it up and accept that yeah you can be friends with everyone in that situation and unfortunately you know you have to take it in turns as to who you see it's like I've got feelings fine I will cancel dinner with Matt we're still together so you can have dinner with him except it's still kind of weird surface level I'm gonna say yep you can be friends with him

but the friendship has boundaries exactly like Laura said your friendship's not you going over to his house to have dinner and watch have a Netflix and chill night while your friend who's been broken up with or regardless of if she broke up with him or was broken up with while she's at home on her own and you're hanging out with him like technically cool you're not doing anything wrong but it's not right it's just not right to do to your friend I was trying to think of my past serious relationships if any of my friends started to go and hang out with him I would be like what the actual fuck like I I wouldn't sit right so it's not wrong I just think know your limits know your boundaries so for sure if you run into him on the street and he's like you want

to grab a coffee you're like yeah let's catch up over coffee cool I think that's absolutely fine I don't think you should message him and be like hey there's a new movie out you want to catch it yeah and I also think like if something is a gray area like if you're not sure if you're like oh this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable and I'm not sure if this person would be cool with it then guess what it's probably a really bad idea if it's gray it's black yeah like I mean you know it's probably a little bit clearer than what you're thinking it is the other thing I want to point out in this is that and it's something that I've done in the past which is why I'm kind of like I can see this happening and maybe somebody listening to this is going to be like guilty

in a situation where the relationship has broken down so for example like one of my exes and I we had a really toxic relationship the relationship was breaking down and we had to call it quits as a way of weaning myself off him because I wasn't prepared to just completely not have him in my life even though I knew I couldn't have in my life I still stayed friends with his friends and would catch up with his friends and do things with his friends I don't really give a fuck about his friends. I'm just going to put out there. I don't speak to them anymore. We don't have any relationship. I run into them once in a blue moon, but it was actually my way of still having some attachment to him because I wasn't fully over it. And so I think like, be honest with yourself,

be really conscious about what's going on. What are the reasons that you want to be friends with the person? If it is genuinely because the three of you guys were so tight and this is, you know, a really difficult decision, then that's a different thing. But if it's just because it's a way for you to keep your tentacles and keep a little bit of like your claws in on that person go cold turkey let yourself go you're only you're only limiting yourself by maintaining those friendships my last wait and I have one more thing the only last little bit I want to add to this is I think it really really matters why they broke up if they just like fell out of love and it was all cute and amicable oh yeah this is so important I'm so glad you brought this up if they want like

the best for each other and you're like cute yeah matt i'll have a coffee with you if he cheated on her for years or if he abused her or if he did anything that was wrong then like fucking no you're not you don't like you pick your side and your side's not him could you imagine could you imagine if matt cheated on me we broke up and then you were catching up with him through a fucking Cabanara pasta at Bloody Gelberson. You know my favourite pasta? I would be so dirty. Well, you'd break up with me.

You'd break up with me. I was like, we're breaking up now. And also, are you trying to hook up with Matt? This is so weird. You would think that there's something more going on. I'm waving a half empty glass of wine around, guys. And Brent's like, stop it, my nice white everything. It was like just about to go over the lip.

My nice white everything. But yeah, it definitely matters. There's a lot of weight. Do not underestimate the weight of the reason that they broke up in this situation. Like that means more than you could imagine. I 100% agree. Guys, that is it from us for today's episode. We know it's a short, sharp, punchy little thing where we answer your questions. I feel like with this one, some of them had a little bit more of a gray area, i.e. do you shave? Do you not shave? Do you just go full bush? Do you break up with him? Do you not?

Lots of things. In your best life, girl. I'm going to say sometimes we just don't have a concrete answer, but we're here to flesh it out for you. Were you still thinking of an unshaved vagina when i said that i don't know what i was thinking anyway like i said that is it from us we will be back next week on tuesday with our big meaty saucy sexy episode and if you love this episode please leave a review if you haven't done that yet go back listen to yesterday's bonus episode and tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and tell everyone and share the love because we love love don't do that

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