Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Should I tell my cousin he's actually my half brother?

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Hey Lifers!Welcome to your therapy Thursday - today we've got some questions that not only do we disagree on, but they're also beyond the norm!Producer Keeshia is filling in as Laura enjoys her week in newlywed bliss.Your questions that we are jumping into today are:-I was made redundant from my dream job, my partner left me and I'm living back at my parent's house. How do I pull myself together when I feel like I'm at rock bottom and have no motivation to do anything?-Should I tell my cousin that he is actually my half brother? My mum donated her eggs but the family drifted apart and they never told him. I've recently learned that we are genetically siblings and I don't know whether to keep the secret or to tell him.-My love language is physical touch & my boyfriend is religious and does not want to have sex before marriage, which I respect. But I feel rejected and question whether he's attracted to me. He feels guilty touching me and doesn't sleep well next to me. What can I do?If you are one of the little scallywags that love listening to the pod and haven't left us a review yet, you can leave us a review on apple or a star rating on spotify!Keep sending your ask uncut questions into our DMs at lifeuncutpodcast on instagram!Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because we love love! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode is recorded on Gadigal land of the Aurora Nation. Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany and I'm producer Keisha filling in for Laura because she's having another couple of days of it. We're calling it a honeymoon. Yeah let's be real it's not. She's at home but she is having some time off. It's a I

guess it is a honeymoon right? They haven't gone anywhere but they're enjoying a newly married life with the kids i was gonna say i don't think it's probably any different other than i think they've really forced themselves to not do work which will be a first for them because they're both workaholics 100 i remember when i first actually met laura she was sending me emails we'd known each other for like a week she was sending me emails from the hospital being like so i've gone into labor oh i was messaging laura in labor and i said she's messaging me i said get off your computer and birth that child she's like no it's fine like it's a long way but I'm like oh I think she said to me at one point she was like they've already done the epidural so like I'm just waiting

until I'm dilated I might as well get some emails done and I remember just thinking who like who am I getting into bed with here wild absolutely absolutely wild but they're on their honeymoon so producer Keisha is here today it is ask uncut day Thursday which is where you write in your deepest darkest burning questions and we do our best to answer them we've got some good ones today we've got some interesting ones one we've never had before yeah well i mean it has been a big week we've had laura's wedding you've had the challenge start airing and you've also been doing a little bit of extra radio in the morning oh what a week it has been i don't know how you wake like oh i know laura's laura's taking the week off obviously as we just said and then my work has

doubled i was like oh my god it's actually tripled yeah so i went on carl and jackie this week to promote the challenge MTV the challenge that started Monday so went on to have a little chat about that and it coincided with Jackie she's gone off air for a little while she's really under the weather I think she's got like some kind of a long COVID so she'd called in sick that day and Kyle just asked me on the spot if I would stay for the day which I was like yeah I've got nothing let's be real I don't have a life I tried to pretend like I did I was like he's like are you free right now and I was like um I've got heaps on at like 6 30 in the morning And you're like, actually, I've got plenty of dates lined up.

It was. It was 6.30. And I was like, I've actually got a lot on. He's like, what? And I couldn't even make anything up. I was like, okay, you got me. I'm here. I've got to take my dog to agility school.

Totally. I had to message Keisha and I was like, you need to take Delilah to agility. But yeah, so Kyle asked me to stay on for the show. And then he's asked me to stay on and fill in for as long as Jackie's off. So it's. How are you finding it? It's a new world. I love, you guys know I love talking and I love radio.

What? You love talking? Spoiler. so it's a different world for sure obviously we do radio and it's been radio this year's been a real learning curve because it's definitely different to podcasting but it's just another form of talking but this is a whole nother kettle of fish this is like four to five hours a day of live radio with Kyle who is you know he doesn't go easy he's the goat in radio in the radio world he's the big dog so it's a I don't know it's you've got to be on for a long time and I feel

like I've got to keep up with Kyle and I feel like I've got to really put my best foot forward so but I'm having a ball I really am and the team there is really great and I'm getting to interview and speak to so many cool people on air and I'm actually going to put a request in like a request list they said if there's people you want to speak to put a request list in so now I'm like what do I want to do who who in the world do I want so I'm going I was about to say I already know that you're thinking who could I possibly talk to that then I could end up dating well it's so funny so I said am I allowed to have two lists they were like what are the two lists and I said well one list is obviously people that I'm just obsessed with and actually want to interview

because I think they're interesting and amazing and I was like then the other list is people that I want to tune like who says tune the other list is people that I want to like flirt with and maybe like hopefully they're hot and single so I'm going to give them two lists well I feel like if there's one radio show in the country that would be on board for you like flirting live on air or attempting to flirt because it will just be so awkward to listen to it's the kyla jackie o show okay well i'm gonna go big okay who would you actually who would you if you could interview one person who would it be because i've already put two requests in oh i think i have a really huge so for anyone who doesn't know i worked for seven years in radio before i joined the girls

like before i joined life uncut so interviewing used to be my favorite thing to do it was like by far the best part of my job was getting to talk to people and i kind of had a little bit of a list then and I remember thinking one day I will know that like we've just hit the top of this mountain I have a massive girl crush on Lady Gaga I think she's absolutely incredible and I also love Meryl Streep different ends of the spectrum yeah but I both I think that they're both absolutely incredible I did for one work thing get to talk to Hugh Jackman and he was like pretty high on the list as well okay well I have requests I put a request in already I'm writing my list right so i am going to think of some things my two requests initially were lewis

capaldi because i'm obsessed with lewis capaldi i love everything about lewis capaldi i think he's so funny i think he's so raw i think he's so talented i would just love to chat to him so i put a request in i've also put a request in for taylor swift nice taylor's a big one yeah actually kind of like potentially doable because the kyle and jackie go show is the biggest radio show in the country and taylor's got music that she's just had come out so like she's probably going to be talking to radio if there was a time the stars could be aligning this could be it but if you guys can think what i need to do is i need sort of a list to put out for like hot eligible interesting men that i could speak to so if you guys think of anyone that i you think i should

try and speak to and flirt with let me know because i need some help with that list okay that's who i'm putting at the top of your list i could see you with him i actually could see you like with Liam I mean like I could also see myself with Liam but like that doesn't count I'm biased because it's me moving on because I can't talk about it that any longer I do want to talk about dating but not me I want to this is a bit of a PSA this is something that Keisha and I have been talking about just earlier she was telling me a story about something that happened to a friend of hers and then it struck up this memory of something that happened to a friend of mine not that long ago and I feel like it's something we need to discuss and people probably need to be

aware of because it's absolutely wild that this is happening right now. Yeah. I guess on a much more serious note, this thing has recently happened to two guys, two friends of mine in the past couple of months. And I've realized that it's something that may be happening to a lot more people than I think would actually be willing to tell people about it. Basically they've been scammed. They've been scammed like online. Yes. It's a form of what they call sextortion. So it's extortion by using things like nudes so the way that this happened to my two mates is that they were on dating apps like heaps of us single people are it can be completely normal ones like not the more obscure ones I'm talking like hinge bumble tinder like mainstream dating apps you're every

day and for both of these guys they started a conversation with a girl that they were like wow she's a stunner she's really cute like we're having good chat and the girl got to the point where she was like oh you should add me on instagram or you should you know we should start texting again standard completely normal stuff right this happens every day and they got to the point where they were talking a fair bit for both of them it lasted a couple of days and after a couple of days she started sending kind of more like risque photos and asked for them to send ones back which also probably isn't that unusual like a lot of people wouldn't do that but a lot of people would well I think like from what I've heard I'm not on tinder but from what

I've heard it is a little bit more like sexually forward tinder apparently out of yeah I mean that's the impression I've always had out of all of them it's a little bit more hookup vibey and I think that that's why it would be something that would be really quite normal to happen on those apps anyway what's ended up occurring is that whether it be on facetime or whether it be actual photos that have been sent even if they're those disappearing ones like these people they're scam artists and what they can do is use another phone to take a photo of that disappearing image so you think oh it's gone from their phone they can't ever see it again that's pretty safe but they've actually got a copy of it. So what ended up kind of happening in these two particular

instances and apparently I've read this article that said that there's been a massive rise in sextortion scams so I'm thinking that this is the way that they do it with all these other people is that they will encourage the other person to send a nude and then they will basically threaten them by saying that they're going to release it to you know their Instagram following or message it to you know their friend's family I don't know it depends on how you're having contact with this person but in this particular instance that happened to my friend it was really easy for her to kind of threaten him with that because they followed each other on Instagram so your friend met someone hit it off on dating then moved to Instagram and then they obviously

sexted yeah and then she threatened him a reciprocal consenting back and forth yeah both of them but she unbeknownst to him was keeping these images in like a way i'm not really sure of the details but somehow she was able to have these images because she sent them back to him to prove to him that she had them and she was basically like if you don't pay me x amount of money i'm going to send this to your instagram followers because they had each other on instagram she had access to who he was following so basically she was saying I'm going to release this to your friends and family unless you give me this amount of money now in his instance he was really worried because he has people on there that he firstly doesn't want to have nude photos of him but it

also could impact his job no I mean I I'm just thinking of my followers but I think it doesn't matter whether you have five followers 20 followers 500 000 followers you don't want people seeing your private intimate moments ever no absolutely not and especially like for him he was mostly concerned that it could have very grave outcomes for his job of course because he has people from work on instagram and so what did he do did he well in the first time that this happened that i became aware of it i was like hey you need to go and file a police report like you need to go and contact the police and they will hopefully be able to advise you now the problem with that and this is where it just gets so murky is that until they have actually released the image

they haven't committed a crime so it's really hard it's totally blackmail 100 illegal well i mean it wasn't enough in this particular instance it wasn't enough to be deemed something that they would investigate which was really upsetting and i know that it caused him an immense amount of anxiety which is also awful because if that person is doing that to him that person is doing it to other people or has done it to other people. So that just makes me feel like, I don't want to say it, but it makes me feel like whoever, whatever police station he went to is lazy. That's how I feel. I'm like, they are too hard basket. Don't take it seriously. But these people could be out there ruining someone else's life. But then what do you do? Because you don't want to keep paying

these people, right? Because this is how it continues on. This is how they're like, oh, cool. I'm continuously getting money. You also take a risk of paying this person and they release it anyway. You don't know who they are and you can't track them. Conversely, if you don't pay them, you risk that going out as well. It's a disgusting and it's such a horrible situation to be in. This 150% increase that we read in this article, that statistic is in the UK at the moment, but it is happening here in Australia. As you know, you've had multiple friends happen to it and just be really careful. It's, you know, if you want to sex and stuff, that's absolutely fine, but you need to be really careful when you do it. Really think about who it is,

what you're sending. Once something's out there in the universe, it's really out there for a long time so the thing that makes me really sad about this is that the people who are doing it like I feel as though they know that they're going to get away with it because you know we did go to the police because that was the only advice that I had I was like hey I just need to tell you that firstly this is so not your fault like you can't feel any guilt about this for happening because it's not your fault this person is a deliberate scam artist go to the police the police didn't really they I mean I'm not sure what they were able to do in that situation but what ended up happening with us is that they didn't really do much and I just I just felt really sad because I

was like you're not at fault here but yet you're such the victim of something and all of the advice you know that like this article even has stuff like always keep the conversations on the dating app reverse image search your matches profile photos be aware of love bombing and be careful who you share personal details with I'm like yeah that's I mean it's all true yes yes yes but it's also such a normal part of our dating life now to like add each other on Instagram and send a nice photo here and there like that's not anything that's abnormal and that's what made me feel really upset about this happening because I feel as though there's like not much that you can do in the situation other than just know that you're not at fault for it and these people are really

horrible people no I do know somebody that was secretly filmed in a relationship they were in a relationship and they were filmed having sex without their knowledge videos were put on to the internet onto like only fans and things like that and uh they had no idea that that was happening that got brought to their attention and that was this year that person actually ended up going to prison it is a crime yeah good you cannot do it and if that does happen to you of course a don't be embarrassed it's not your fault you are a victim b go to the police c you can do things if someone has a photo of you somewhere you can on almost every site there is a removal request button so even google images you can even send a request for something to be removed on google

so there's always a way around something like this and trying to rectify the problem but this is more just this is a real psa this is a real today a bit more of a serious chat but it's a real this is out there and it is happening and it's a scary scary thought because you know case you and I are on the dating apps I know a lot of you guys are it's every second person out there I'm gonna have to start numbering my nudes like oh dear like what my point is that I think whenever these things get brought up in the media it kind of irks me that especially when you have like your boomer generation talk about it and they're like well you shouldn't have sent a photo to begin with and I'm like well that's just not living in the real world now like this is how we communicate

this is what we do yeah and I mean maybe that's something we think about maybe I just start sending pictures of my feet sorry boys those big woofers yeah get my feet size nine yeah anyway so basically there is a rise of sex scamming what do they call it sexploitation be careful out there all right well let's get into ask uncut i'm going to kick start with question number one question number one three weeks ago my life was a dream i had the perfect job and was happily dating my penguin fast forward to now I'm sleeping in the spare room at my parents house because I don't want to be alone I lost my job two weeks ago my dream job with a dream team we were all made redundant a week later my partner left me I was completely blindsided we had it all and so

much more there were no signs I'm feeling so lost and I don't even know where to start to pick myself back up I had an interview two days ago after my breakup and I couldn't hold myself together I ended up in tears just when she said so how are you how am I supposed to navigate this part of my life I feel like I'm grieving a state of emptiness where I'm struggling to find the motivation to get out of bed never mind putting myself together enough to go and get a new job oh I just started welling up reading that it's really relatable that's what I want to start by yeah I'm going to tell you a story about what happened to me a year and a half nearly two years ago for a very important reason and it is not to bring the conversation to myself but I basically

was in a position where I thought I had met my penguin I'd fallen absolutely head over heels for a guy that I thought I could potentially spend a long time with and this was during 2020 and basically because of the pandemic he was Irish and he went back to Ireland and we broke up for only that reason that you know he had to go back home and I was made redundant from what I thought was my dream job I was doing breakfast radio and it was on my birthday and this was in stage four lockdown in Victoria when no one else in the country was in lockdowns and it took me about three months until I was able to go through hotel quarantine and come home and I basically spent about four or five months where I didn't have a job and couldn't get a job and I was applying

for so many jobs and that is why I kind of I feel a little bit emotional reading about your story because I really relate to that feeling of like worthlessness and just how low you can feel when you just feel as though you have absolutely nothing and that motivation is just completely void from your life where you're like, how the fuck did my life go from being so good to being so shit so quickly? When everything's just pulled, you know,

the rug is pulled from under your feet all at once. Yeah, that's exactly it. And when you just don't have any reason to get out of bed and you're kind of just wishing that time away and you're just wishing that pain away and that kind of emptiness that you spoke about, I really, really, really relate to that feeling because I went through it for about four and a half to five months.

The only thing that I can say as like a little bit of advice in the things that helped me get out of that state because as everybody says, it is only time. Time is the only thing that will make you feel better and it is the one thing that you have no control over. You have to literally wait it out, don't you? To the point where like some days I remember just being like, if I just sleep for all of today, does that make the time go quicker? Like, does that make it get

better? But what helped me at the time, there's actually a book that I read that really helped me. We've had Jordana on the podcast. It's called Make It Happen by Jordana Levine. That book completely helped me kind of reshape the way that I was going to approach interviews and how I wanted to go into like my working life. So I really recommend reading that. The other thing that really helped me at the time was making a list every single morning of like the most menial, tiny little things that you think are so ridiculous, so small that you're like, why would you even need to write that down? But when you're in a state of like having no motivation to do anything, they're really, really important. So it could be things like

shower, check email, apply for a job, follow up email with this. And that was probably the main thing that I actually found was a really helpful bit of advice that my psychologist gave me, which brings me to my third point. You have to get a psych. Like you absolutely, when you've hit rock bottom and then you realize that like you thought you hit rock bottom and then there's like 50 meters of shit beneath it and you're like oh actually this is rock bottom didn't quite realize you really really really have to be involved with talking to a professional and I know psychologists can be expensive yes but you can go to your GP and you can I think you can have five five visits they increase it to 10 actually well there you go it was five back

back when I went, it was five, but it's increased to 10. So that is a really big help. And I think, I guess that came off of probably the back of lockdown and a lot of things happening where people didn't have access to the help that they need. And they do have that now. It's something that I think a lot of people out there listening to will relate to right now. I think there's a lot of people that went through what very similar to you, Keisha, and maybe it didn't all happen at the one time, but we all know how hard that period was and losing jobs and relationships. And a lot of people out there will know what the feeling of not feeling enough feels like. It's very easy for what I'm going to say is one thing to say it and one thing to do it.

First of all, you say you don't want to get out of bed and you don't want to feel it, but you have to, you've got no motivation. I think it's really important to acknowledge those feelings. The worst thing you can do is bury them and pretend that they don't happen and quickly try and get on with life. Having said that, you do need to have to get on with life in terms of you do have to go and get a job because that is going to be part of the things that make you feel better. That is going to help you with your worthiness so what you need to try to focus on is being able to separate even if it's just for 20 minutes for the time that it takes to do an interview you need to be able to separate what's going on in your personal life to your professional life because you will not be

able to get better if your life doesn't start to gain some traction again ways you can do that is I mean for me personally when I've been in this situation is feel what you're feeling so spend your whole morning in bed cry if you want watch an even worse more sad movie to cry because you always feel better after a cry then once that's out start to write down some positive things in a notebook or a journal so things that you've got to look forward to dreams things that you've got to aim to like you want to work towards because that's going to be part of developing your motivation when you've got something to look forward to if you constantly tell yourself i've got nothing i mean nothing nothing will ever come to me you don't really have a reason to get out of

bit, do you? But if you say, I'm going to go and get this job, I'm going to kick ass and I'm going to get a pay rise. And then with that, I'm going to get an amazing rental. And I'm, you know, when I'm back on my feet, I'm going to date. And if you've got things to work towards and look forward to, but it's really important that you figure out a way that works for you, that you can separate the personal life and the, how upset you feel to going to get that job. Cause that job interview for you right now is absolutely crucial in your development. I'm just, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I also got emotional thinking about it it's because I was thinking about how I felt at the time where I was experiencing something really similar and it's just like my heart breaks

for you because I know how low you feel and also your partner breaking up with you the week after you're made redundant is so so rough but one thing that I do want to say is that there will be a time that you look back on this period of your life and you'll be like wow I wish I could have told myself how good things were about to get like I wish I could have gone back to the girl who was like stuck in bed crying for the entire day and told her how much better her life was going to look in six months 18 months two years I don't know what it's going to be but for me it was about a year a year and a half and now I look back on that time and I'm like far out I just wish so much that I didn't spend so much time worrying that nothing was going to change you know because

it was going to change it took a little bit longer than what I expected it to but it did change and like some things in my life now are so much better than I ever could have imagined them being also give yourself a pep talk so on the way to the interview take your mind off it tell a friend you're going to call them on the way to the interview and you want to talk about something fucking funny remind me of a story you know give them a heads up that if I ever call you I want to be like on a high talk to your friend in the car on the way there so you're in a good mood your mind is not on it tell yourself as you're walking into the interview you've left the car you're on a high you're walking in you've got this you deserve this

you're amazing you can do this you can do anything this is going to change your life if you take your mind away from it and you are in a good mood when they say how are you you'd be like i'm brilliant i'm really looking forward to this chat and then i'm thirsty for this job don't even let your mind go there because you you do have control over your thoughts and you only need to control them for a tiny little bit and i know you can do it so anyone going through that right Now, you can do this. You have got this. Okay, let's move on to number two, which is very different,

a bit more lighthearted, let me tell you. Two years ago, this is not me, I'm reading this. Two years ago, my mom very casually dropped that my cousin is actually my half-brother. Ooh. Right, so long story short, this person's mother donated eggs to the sister. Oh, okay, so there wasn't an affair.

No, they donated eggs. and they had a child and then I never told them. And then all of a sudden they've grown up thinking they're cousins, but they're actually. Oh, like genetically half. Yes. Biologically, they are half brother and sister. They think they're cousins. They think that they're cousins and they don't, they're not that close. They're adults now. So this person's written in has said, I feel really upset that I'm holding onto this big secret since I found out that this is my half brother. I feel like something is missing. I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders, but I don't want to stir things up for my mum who has obviously worked through this and moved on

she wants to know does she keep this secret and does she continue to have a relationship with her cousin well her sorry her half brother and just pretend it's the cousin still or now that she has this knowledge and she feels like she's missing out on actually having that brotherly sisterly relationship does she tell the cousin hey you're not my cousin you're my brother this is wild this is going to be divisive I actually feel as though this is going to be one of those rare situations where we have a 50 50 split of opinions and my opinion is that you have to keep that secret to yourself is that what you think yeah why do you think the opposite it's real this is really tricky and there's so many things that that come into play here that we don't know like so many things

about this situation and the family and growing up the relationship with your cousin but a big part of me from the information we've given wants to say no this is your brother and you know it is and if you want a relationship with them I think you can tell them but you have to know that there are repercussions from that like this isn't something that you just say and you get on with your day like this is going to have big repercussions for you both for your family for your parents there is a lot to think about right now this sounds like it's really affecting you see to me I kind of wonder whether the juice is worth the squeeze here as in like yeah you might feel a little bit closer to this person that you thought is your cousin to begin with so you've already

got a familial connection they find out that genetically they're your half-brother and then what happens after that like they have to go and ask their family you know their mum and dad why didn't you tell me this my entire life why were you lying to me I just feel like it plants such a seed of distrust in a family for not much gain like I don't know what the gain out of this is The only gain that I could really think would be if that your family, like your mum who donated the egg, if there was some type of health condition that ran genetically. But the gain is subjective, right?

She's gaining a brother. We don't know the situation. It sounds like on the surface, I think I would want to tell them personally because I have very different relationships with my siblings than I do my cousins and that's because they're my cousins. Like that's sort of what it is. We didn't grow up in the same place, which doesn't sound like they have either.

if I had a brother out there I would want to know right and I would want to tell them and I'd want to have a relationship with them but it does sound like there's a lot you know there could be a big fall from grace here for a lot of people in your family so you know your situation and you need to weigh that up it's a big it's a huge one I feel like we've never had one that's this well there's so much that weighs on this right there's so many people involved but fuck my brother's out there I think I want to know I think I want him to know I think I want to be able to develop the relationship now that you've said that I'm actually thinking about a story um I have a friend who he had two mums so he was through artificial insemination and he went on an SBS documentary

a couple of years ago and found out that his sperm donor had donated to quite a few different people and he had a sister like a half sister that was also through sperm donation who lived like 15 minutes down the road he could have been dating her this is what you gotta tell these people well as it turns out now like they met because of the SBS documentary but now they like call each other siblings and they're really really close and for him he was actually like it was really cool to find out what things maybe about my personality or what I looked like were genetic and what was the like result of my upbringing so I guess that is something I'm so torn about this because of his story although he knew that his whole life that it was through a you know an

artificial insemination process whereas your cousin has absolutely no idea I think if you're going to make this decision. You just have to weigh up what the, like the pros of the outcome and the, and the cons of the outcome could be, because it could be really serious for this family. I reckon keep the secret. Okay. My, this is my wrap up. This is my advice. Have a conversation with your mom, sit down one-on-one and talk to her about it. Say, this has really affected me now that I have this knowledge. I really want to know this person on a different level because they don't have a relationship. She said, you know, my mom and I moved away because she probably wanted to keep this secret I think tell your mom say I'm an adult now he's

an adult you're an adult it doesn't mean anything it's not going to change anything with you guys and I don't want to change our relationship between mother and daughter but I want to know my half brother I want to know my brother is a brother because it is a different relationship I think and obviously not for everyone there'll be people out there they'll be like I don't give a fuck whatever it's not gonna change anything but you've said it is worrying you and you said it's affecting your own mental health and it's really weighing on you so I think have the conversation with your mum. See if she can come around, see if she can get on terms. But at the end of the day, you are an adult. You can make a decision. Just know that every single decision

you make in life has a consequence. I am very interested to whack this up on Instagram because I love polling you guys. And I am so curious to know where everyone sits on this. And I would also love an Ask Uncut Aftermath if you ever do decide to keep this a secret or tell. I would love to know what you've decided why and how it went down. Okay, Keish, hit us with number three. number three my partner has a problem sleeping well when he is with me he thinks that it could be because we touch each other and a part of him feels guilty about it he's very religious he's christian and does not want to have sex before marriage which i completely understand and respect the only problem is that my love language is physical touch and i feel a bit rejected

but he does reassure me that he is attracted to me he just feels guilty after we do some sexy stuff and you've put that in little air bunnies so I'm not sure what sexy stuff refers to you've said also I'm not big on masturbation I prefer the feel of another person how can I accept this without feeling distant towards him I feel like we're going back dating like we're 10 years old please help oh I wonder what the sexy time is obviously the sexy time is just anything other than sex because you've made a point of saying he doesn't want to have sex before marriage I don't think this one's that difficult for me to answer I think this is something that you need to accept and be okay with or you don't accept it and you're not okay with it because this is a big part

of your partner's belief he's very religious he does not want to have sex before marriage and he's feeling guilty the fact that he touches you when you sleep this is something that you can't ask someone to change and you can't really change it you either need to be on board with it knowing that this is who you're dating and what they believe in and like in reverse he needs to you need to have a conversation so he needs to understand that you need the physical touch and then he needs to decide if he can bring that to the table as well but I'm a really big believer that we really in a relationship shouldn't go into a relationship if you have to try and bend mold change somebody's morals and their beliefs especially something that's so

someone's so passionate about and so so strict about which is religion is a huge one and if he feels like he has to meet you halfway and start to do things that he doesn't want to do that's not going to really do much except build a level of resentment and make him feel uncomfortable for bending his beliefs I am a little bit confused because I'm not sure whether he has a problem with like touching you at all or whether it's touching you in what would be deemed as like a sexual touch because if it's the fact that he feels guilty touching you because he doesn't trust himself to like not move that further forward like I don't really I feel as though you need to kind of have a sit-down conversation with him and be like okay can I just check are

you okay with spooning are you okay with kissing are you okay with like getting a bit hot and heavy but only making out like I feel as though you really might need to have a conversation where you're like what's a green light and where is the line drawn with what you are okay with because physical touch I mean we just had Esther Perel on Tuesday's episode and she was speaking about something that was so glaringly obvious, but also mind blowing for me where she was like physical touch and like affection and eroticism. It's not just about orgasm. It's not just about sex. It's about how you touch each other in the lead up to it. Like you can actually have your love language of physical touch being quite satisfied without the need for sex. So it's making me curious as

to like, where does he draw the line? Does he cuddle you? Does he play with your hair? Does he kiss you does he like you know hold your hand how are you getting your cup met as well because it's his religious beliefs that you've said that you're willing to respect which I think is incredible I would really struggle with that not respecting them I would really struggle being in a relationship with someone where I had a quite a different understanding of what filled up my cup of physical touch but is he touching you in other ways that makes you feel like you're having that connection yeah and I think that's something that you need to come to terms with in yourself are you happy to not have sex if you're getting back tickles and and head scratches

and he's playing with your hair and he's massaging your feet or maybe he's giving you a neck massage that sounds great i know i'm just saying what i want i'm literally just voicing what i want right now but are you happy with that maybe you have that conversation and say look i love you i miss the sex part of this relationship and i need more physical touch can we work out another way that you feel comfortable with. That's the conversation you have. At the end of the day, if he's not comfortable to do that, but you know you need that, then maybe this isn't compatible. If you can't meet each other halfway, this might not be the relationship for you. And I don't say that lightly. This is definitely a conversation you two need to have. There are plenty of people that

have entered into relationships. We've spoken to people on the podcast before that have entered into relationships where one's religious and one isn't. And you know, they fell in love. The person that was having sex said okay I won't do it again until we get married yeah there's that couple from the cafe around exactly yeah he spoke about on the podcast probably about a year and a half ago now long time ago but it is out there but it's it's just about what you're okay with and this can only come from having a conversation so maybe if he can't even physically touch you without feeling guilty and I mean physically like the foot rub or the neck rub or anything like that and you know that you can't get by without that well then that could be a really really tough realization and

conversation. Yeah. He said that he can't sleep well. He's next to you. I don't know what he's doing in his sleep that would be deemed not okay in, cause I grew up Christian. Like I went to church and I grew up in the, in a Christian situation. So I am familiar with like where they draw the line. I would personally find that really hard in terms of my own temptation. So maybe that's what she's talking about when she's like, he struggles because, you know, we touch each other maybe it's he's holding himself back from his desires i suppose like we always say it is always about communication and i think that this one just needs to be a little bit of a very clear list as to what isn't isn't okay and make sure that you're also getting enough to make you

feel satisfied guys if we have ever answered your questions please write in please have a little ask uncut aftermath yeah we call it ask uncut aftermath because we always want to know what happens and the listeners want to know what happens we get you guys running in all the time saying whatever happened with this question with this person with this couple and it's it's sort of I don't sleep well at night not knowing so so do me a solid I mean like I've got no one to touch me either but I don't sleep well it's not true I want to know what's no it's not scooting on by that one so I want to know so writing an ask uncut aftermath and just remind us of what the question was so we can retell it on the podcast and then give us the answer but also keep your ask uncuts coming in

We want those. We want your excellent unfiltereds. We want all your funny stories. Don't forget, tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because we love love! .