Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Should I Tell My Husband That I Slept With Him?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Cammeraygal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Therapy Thursday. Ask Uncut, where you write in your deepest, darkest, burning questions and we answer them. We do our best.

Starting point is 00:00:33 I need some therapy after last night. You need therapy full stop, not just after last night. I do. Do you know what? We advocate for therapy a lot on here. We're always talking about how it's so good for people but then we don't go and get therapy. We should.

Starting point is 00:00:45 Oh, I should go to a regular therapist. I was for quite a while post-breakup with you-know-who. The man who? Do what? Voldemort? Voldemort. No, actually, that makes it sound like he was bad. Jordan, my ex, you all know him.

Starting point is 00:00:59 I went to therapy after that because I needed therapy after that. You, that was a rough time. You really did need therapy after that. But I haven't been in ages. And it's wrong because you don't or shouldn't just go to therapy when like something happens and you need it. Although that's how I took that situation. But there are so many people that, experts that say, you know, your brain is also a muscle

Starting point is 00:01:22 that you need to look after and exercise, whether it's at its high or at its low. So people should be going to like constant weekly or monthly therapy just for like maintenance. Look, I don't actually need therapy because of what happened to me last night. Please don't come for me for using therapy as a joke when I shouldn't joke about it. But I, last night, so at the moment, I don't know if you've heard this in the news Brit, and I know that you're a very abreast of what's happening in the news. There is a plague of gastro that's going around. Like gastro is like the worst it's ever been in Australia at the moment.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Gastro at an all time high. Have you heard this? Yeah, sorry. I was waiting for you to tell me what, is that it? You just wanted to give me the news headline on gastro. Well, I don't need to. I don't need to read the news about the gastro. And you want to know why?

Starting point is 00:02:01 Because you got it. Because the Berne Johnson household is riddled with gastro. No, the adults don't have it, just the kids. So it absolutely railed Lola and now Marley has gastro. I thought that you guys got gastro all the time. No. Like in my head when someone plays a word association game, they go, Laura, I got gastro.

Starting point is 00:02:17 Hold on. This does feel very familiar. No. Okay, this is what happened to me. So Lola has been sick for about four days now. She's in pretty good spirits for a kid who's like, you know, shooting out of both ends. But every so often she'll just be like playing around. Then she'll go, oh, my tummy hurts.

Starting point is 00:02:31 Vom. Or, oh, my tummy hurts. Like explosive diarrhea. Like no warning, no time to get anywhere. It's just like, it's there. No warning for the vomits, but plenty of warning for the diarrhea, right? Oh, that's good. Plenty of warning.

Starting point is 00:02:43 She's three. So she's like pretty well and truly toilet trained. Do you toilet? Is it potty trained? Toilet trained. Yeah. That kind of feels very like animal association. No, she uses the toilet.

Starting point is 00:02:53 she uses a toilet she's been trained to use a toilet at night time she still wears a nappy because like you know the wheeze and the drinks at night time thing still happens so anyway it was the middle of the night last night and every night she still gets into our bed like every single night without fail so about two o'clock I either hear her crying in her room and she wants me to come physically pick her up and carry her to my room or she'll like make her way to the side of the bed and then kind of whinge until I pick her up and pull her into bed so she comes into the room and she's like she's kind of half crying and i was like baby come here and i and i picked her up and as i picked her up and pulled her into the bed and pulled her into my sheets and my blanket

Starting point is 00:03:33 she goes mommy i i wet myself and i was like oh sweetheart it's okay and then as she was saying mommy i wet myself i realized that in fact she did not wet herself she was a human burrito of shit. You know when you get Guzman and Gomez and then all the sauces come out the bottom? No one listening needs the visual. Well, let me tell you, the sauce well and truly came out the bottom because I took her into the bathroom and she had shit everywhere, up her back, to her neck line, down to her ankles. It was like she was encased and it was everywhere. It was in my bed. It was on my sheets. It was in her sheets. It was in your mouth. You just give up. How have you not got it when she basically vomited and shit in your mouth? Because sometimes they just take down the

Starting point is 00:04:14 kids apparently this gastro strain that's going around australia at the moment is just like taking down the little kids and adults have been pretty scot-free i swear to god every time i think oh yeah i think i might want a kid you pull me back down to the ground laura you kick my legs out from underneath me and then you stomp on me while i'm on the ground to be fair it's physically taking out the kids but it's emotionally taking out the parents yes yeah i don't know what's worse nah shitting yourself's worse emotions are bad shitting yourself constantly is worse but bruce this is the highs and lows you just call me brisket pretty titty are you hungry hey brisket hey bridge that's what happens when you have no sleep i haven't fucking slept guys

Starting point is 00:05:02 anyway so that's where i'm at i know i don't actually need therapy but i'm on the edge of a lot of things at the moment in all seriousness i'm not just saying this but i think you might actually like it could actually help you with heaps of stuff anyway well I haven't had anything hugely eventful but um I have been having a bit of a laugh so Ben and I are in the very early stages of wedding planning which Brit you've been in the early stages of wedding planning for 25 years no I haven't I've never planned my wedding I've never been a person that saves wedding dresses that thinks of what they want like I've never been that person how many ring photos did you have saved in the folder of your saved images in Instagram.

Starting point is 00:05:40 A lot. It was very helpful. That's not a criticism. That was really good for me. But I genuinely, honestly, I'm telling you this. I started saving rings for the first time six, eight months ago, like when I knew I was going to marry Ben. I wasn't one of those girls that grew up dreaming of the picket fence.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Yeah, no, neither. Do you know what I mean? Like there are people that have had their kids' names picked out since they're 15 and the ring and there's nothing wrong with that. It's not me. I'm also not a planner. So like the thought of trying to plan his wedding is disgusting. So overwhelming for me.

Starting point is 00:06:09 But anyway, I said to Ben, let's just start the very early planning. Like the big things, like what do you want from a wedding? How do you see it? So we started to have that discussion and I was like, let's just see if we're on the same page. You know, the things like, do you want to sit down or do you want to stand up? Do you want a church inside wedding somewhere? Do you want an outside wedding?

Starting point is 00:06:26 You know, those things that are like, you don't need to have a planner or be booking stuff. It's just like, see if we're on the same page. Also the size. Yeah. Do you want to have a big after party? Do you want it to be casual? do you want it to be formal I get it yeah so I said to him then what do you let's talk about

Starting point is 00:06:40 like the big stuff just see if we see on the same page what are the big things like the most important things that you see at your wedding and there was a moment of silence and he looks off and he thinks and I was like oh he's really thinking about this and he looks back down and he goes I just really want that stick thing that you waddle in your hands sorry what that you shake don't they do it and I was like I was like sorry what he's like yeah the stick that you waddle I was like the stick that you waddle what are you talking about and I'm trying to think of the big stuff and I'm like the stick that you waddle and he's like yeah you know you you waddle it around isn't that I think that that's a cultural thing it's not I said do you mean a sparkler and he was

Starting point is 00:07:19 like yes I said a sparkler and he's like yeah the thing that you light and oh my god I was like okay babe, I can do a sparkler for you. First of all, it's called a sparkler. It's not a sticky waddle. I was like, what is waddle? He's like, oh no, I think it's an English translation. I was like, no one waddles anything. But I was like, yeah, babe, that's fine. Do you know what this means, Britt? We need a wedding planner. If that's been planning the wedding. This is you organizing a wedding. That's what I've just come to realize. I was like, this is us trying to break down the big stuff. And the first and only thing that you want is a sparkler. I was like, babe, I've got you covered. I'm going to have so many waddles there for you. Bless this soul. And then in my

Starting point is 00:07:56 head I was like I'm fucked I'm gonna plan this whole wedding so that's about as far as we got we got some sparkles I always find it interesting because so many men they plan the engagement but then they haven't thought past the engagement to a wedding at all and so the buck often and I don't want to be like stereotyping here because I know it can be different in all relationships but often it's like I did the engagement and then kind of their planning preparation hand wiping happens like just finishes there and then the baton is passed to the woman in heterosexual relationships to do the rest of the work and that kind of sucks. Yeah and I will also be passing the baton to someone else. All right well look before we get into answering your questions today

Starting point is 00:08:39 we do have our lives and our unsubscribes. Brittany what is your vibe? Okay it's a Netflix movie called The Beautiful Game which is basically about the homeless world cup football competition so the movie is fictional but it's based on a real story and I only knew it was based on a real story after I watched it and thought I wonder if this is real and I had to go google it so long story short every single year all around the world there's like 50 countries they do a homeless world cup where the only criteria is you need to be homeless and it's really for shining a light on social marginalization and what people are going through all over the world but trying to find them a source of happiness because a lot of these homeless people around the world get

Starting point is 00:09:22 together and they play street football you know like even famous football athletes now you hear a lot of them saying they started in poverty playing on the streets and they have amazing skills so what happens is all around the world every year they get a team of homeless people that play football that are really good and they go and compete against each other in the homeless world cup and it it was just such a beautiful film that did have a wonderful ending like it's sad because you know that these people are really homeless and they are really struggling, but it's really beautiful to show how happy they are by feeling that they're included

Starting point is 00:09:54 in something and they're connected and a sense of purpose and like seeing them achieve their dreams. Because I Googled it and in reality thousands of people go to watch these Homeless World Cups and they're cheering for their country and they just feel like they have a purpose. It makes you question like how and where does the funding come from to allow for this? Because if people are homeless and they're unable

Starting point is 00:10:14 to support themselves, then I would say that they're very unlikely that they're in a financial position where they're able to go and play in any sort of World Cup. Yeah, absolutely. And most of it, you know, just for my own curiosity, I had a look, but most of it is funded externally from sponsors. And FIFA, the FIFA Foundation put a little bit of money in. But my understanding is the accommodation and food

Starting point is 00:10:35 and things like that and their entries are all covered when they're there. But my understanding is they need to fund themselves, their team, to get there. and the teams are quite small it's not a full football field it's like five or six players on a side so they're smaller but it is an incredible film like i can't stress enough for you guys to watch it the beautiful game on netflix you will froth it my vibe for the week is it's a podcast it is called the rest is entertainment it is hosted by two british people that are in their

Starting point is 00:11:05 50s so it's got a little bit of a more mature and definitely smarter than me essence to it Just because someone's older doesn't make them smarter. These people are definitely smarter than me. So it's hosted by the author and he's also a TV producer. He's been in media and entertainment for a very long time, Richard Osman. The name of the author didn't completely ring a bell to me, but then when I saw the cover of his books, he's that one that has the fox on his books.

Starting point is 00:11:32 I'm not sure. He's written. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's like very well-known, very established author. And the other host is a journalist and a columnist for The Guardian called Marina Hyde. it's a pop culture and politics based podcast but because they're based in the uk it has a particular focus on british politics and this week the episode that they released is called

Starting point is 00:11:50 which dumped tory will do strictly which is not something that a lot of australians would be interested in but the first thing that they spoke about was jill biden doing the cover of us vogue and they broke down how much of like these uh political kind of things that intertwine with media and with pop culture coverage you know a lot of the first ladies of the United States have done US Vogue and they spoke about how that has evolved over time it started as a puff piece and now it's something that people are like oh I don't really think you should be doing this they spoke about Glenn Powell, Sydney Sweeney, they spoke about Sabrina Carpenter and then they went into the last segment that was all about the UK election and how they've now got a new prime

Starting point is 00:12:30 minister it was it was super super interesting if you're into that kind of thing I know that some people are into politics and others really really aren't but I found that I learned a lot and I learned about stuff that I wouldn't usually listen to even though they're the fields of interest of mine if that makes sense sounds like a weird mix like Sabrina Carpenter to Jill Biden yeah that's what I like it's definitely politics but make it fluffy god it's more like politics but make it different to what I'm used to listening to about politics because that sounds like they're trying to make it more uh like snack size or more interesting to people that probably wouldn't be interested in politics.

Starting point is 00:13:06 So it's like let's suck you in with some pop culture and then sprinkle our political agenda in there too. Brilliant. Yeah, I really like it. It's called The Rest Is Entertainment. It is a podcast that you can find anywhere. Okay, I'm going to make mine quick. Mine is a recommendation for parents.

Starting point is 00:13:21 I feel like one of the hardest things to find is to find good babysitters or if you're looking for a nanny, a good nanny, because also not only is it hard, it's also like something that feels really risky because most people don't feel comfortable or confident in choosing someone who's outside their network to take care of their kids which is obviously how pretty much every parent feels there is an app it is called juggle street and we were recently in the position so we have help in the mornings with marley and lola simply because we start work so early and it was just last year was such a huge year for matt in terms of him having to carry the parenting load

Starting point is 00:13:59 And so to help us, we hired a friend who was coming and she was doing the mornings to help get the girls to daycare, but she's recently just left to have a baby. So we were in a position. Oh, how selfish. I was like, you already have two. Why do you need another one? Hurry back from Tony Lee. You can bring your baby.

Starting point is 00:14:19 So she left us and we had to try and find a new, I mean, I wouldn't call her a nanny, but it's kind of more than a babysitter. Yeah. And so Juggle Street was something that was recommended to us. It's an app. You have to pay for a subscription. I think it's around $90, but by paying for it, you have to verify that you're a family. And then you have access to all verified daycare workers and babysitters, people who have their health and safety checks. They have all of their insurances. They're working with kids certificates, all of that stuff. A lot

Starting point is 00:14:46 of them are actually daycare workers who are looking for some extra hours of babysitting in the evenings or whatnot. And basically you go on, you post a job. It could be like, I need a babysitter for four hours on Monday night. And then you can go in and you can actually send your job to people's profiles, specific people who you've gone and vetted yourself. So you might pick 50 people and send the job to them and they can say whether they do or don't want to do the job. And we found our new babysitter on there who we're using. I just think it is really hard to find quality care. And at least this gives you a little bit more control over the process. And you're not just posting on any public forums or having to rely on asking a friend

Starting point is 00:15:24 necessarily or stealing your friend's nanny or babysitter. So it's called Juggle Street. It's an app and I've paid the $95 for the subscription and I would recommend it. So if you do take that choice, I mean, I know it's expensive, but the last thing I want to say about this one specifically is I have used lots of apps. Like I've used lots of online forums. I've done the due diligence around trying to find something that's like suitable and really not just user-friendly, but like active. Cause a lot of these apps, often a lot of the profiles are old. Like these are all people who have been active within the day. You know what I mean? So you know that they're people who are actually looking for work. And I just think that this is the best one by far that I've

Starting point is 00:15:59 used. So that's my recommendation for any parents out there. I hope you enjoy it. I know it's expensive, but I do think it is worth it. Let's get into your questions. Question number one. I've moved back to the town I grew up in and had a situation where I recognized a tradie that came to our property. I had slept with him. I didn't mention it to my husband, but then I had a thought that maybe I should have told him. I would never lie if he asked me outright, but now I don't know if I need to divulge this information voluntarily. Also, imagine your husband out of nowhere, zero context.

Starting point is 00:16:31 Have you fucked that trainee? Did you fuck the plumber? Like back in the day? Did you fuck that plumber a decade ago? Did you? Like he's never going to ask if you fucked him. Of course you're not going to lie to him, but he's not going to ask. Just to add, I didn't speak to him at all.

Starting point is 00:16:43 He didn't see me at all and he won't be returning. It was purely a short fling and it was so long ago. who knows if he even recognizes me what are your thoughts you don't need to tell him you don't need to you don't need to tell i mean like you can if some people have different relationships with their partners right like some partners are more jealous or you know they have more insecurities around ex-boyfriends whatever which is i mean that's a whole weird thing in and of itself but some people do feel that that they're easily more insecure other people for example just find it funny and find it interesting to know like who their now husband or partner has been with in the

Starting point is 00:17:18 past like if matt said that to me if we had someone come over and i don't know service the pool once and he was like babe you're never gonna believe this i actually hooked up with her seven years ago that would be an overlap nine years ago if he hooked up with her seven years ago i'd have an issue with it but say like before us i wouldn't care and i would kind of appreciate that he told me because i would feel like but i wouldn't care do you know what i mean like i would why would you want it like you're not gonna sit back and like hey babe you see that bricky fucked him like what okay thanks babe thanks for letting me know you're fired yeah but i think look if he was gonna come to the house again if this was like an ongoing maintenance job if he was like your

Starting point is 00:17:59 regular pool boy that was coming every thursday like you maintained me 10 years ago you don't have to come back and maintain yeah then i would say okay it's probably worth mentioning it to your husband and also maybe employing someone else but the fact that he came to your house once you didn't speak to him and he's gone and he's never coming back no it is okay in relationships to have some secrets so long as they don't hurt the other person well it's not it's not a secret you hooked up with him before your partner like so many years ago if he was the don't tell him no keep it to yourself nothing good can come from you telling him now except planting a thought inside your partner's head about you being with someone else unnecessarily if he was frequenting

Starting point is 00:18:41 the house. If this was a reno that was going to take a year and someone you had been with was going to be inside your house after he was inside you, then yeah, you would probably have to say something. But I mean, this happened to me the other day, actually, not this situation, but Ben was telling me that he likes this musician and he was playing the song and he was like, I really like this guy. It's such a vibe. And I didn't have to, but I did. And I was like, oh, I hooked up with him. You didn't have to do that one. That's my point. I didn't have to, but I was like, well, now I know better. And I was like, oh, I hooked up with him so long ago. Like funny. You ruined the music for him. He unfollowed him and he won't listen to the music.

Starting point is 00:19:21 And I was like, Ben, it was so long before. He's like, it's in my head now. And I was like, fair. I shouldn't have said that. And that I think is this situation right now. Like this is the builder situation. He's never coming back. And if you need another reno, employ someone else. This has similarities to me and it's reminded me of the time that I bought the sunscreen. So like I used to use invisible zinc. I don't use invisible zinc anymore, but I used to use invisible zinc and I bought it and it was sitting there in the bathroom. And then I found out that the model on the bottle was the girl that Matt was dating prior to dating me. And I don't know how I found that out, but she was just sitting there in my bathroom cabinet and I was like,

Starting point is 00:19:59 oh, she's really beautiful. She's so beautiful that she's on the advertisement for how to protect your skin. That's how beautiful she is. And I don't need to look at her in my bathroom every day. Look, I used to really love Invisible Zinc. I used to love how it makes you so glowy and also looks a little bit like you've got foundation on when you're just wearing sunscreen. And now I don't wear it anymore. It's funny. She ruined it. She did ruin it. Yeah. But you do need to protect your skin. Yeah. I use other sunscreen now. But look, I get it. I think not that nothing good comes from it I feel as though Matt and I we share pretty much everything I think if somebody came into my orbit in some way whether it was the pool guy or the plumber I would probably tell Matt

Starting point is 00:20:37 but that's because we would laugh about this and that's our relationship Matt has told me and pointed out people that he's slept with in the past that it's always it's always caveated almost with like reasons why he wasn't that into them and it was just so bad in bed so bad so I don't know I mean I'm not completely against it I do think it depends on your relationship but I think it's unnecessary now after weeks or days or however long it's been to be like hey babe remember several weeks ago when that guy came to our house bs I fucked him the only way that this no hang on the only way that this can end badly is if your husband or partner loved the work that he did and then in the future wanted to hire him back for work then you would have to tell him and

Starting point is 00:21:22 then it could turn into something where it's like, why didn't you tell me that at the time? That's the only way I can see this ending badly. But otherwise you seem to be losing sleep about it. I would be sleeping just fine. Okay. I have a question, a new one. Question two. I'm 35 and in the dreaded dating scene. Fuck, I hear it's rough now. I mean, it was rough when we were dating, but I, yeah, it was rough. Okay. I've been ghosted suddenly after a few great dates and what felt like a really good connection forming. how do I stop obsessing over what I may have done wrong and what could have been I feel like this will make my dating anxiety even worse than it already is I feel like I'm losing all hope that

Starting point is 00:22:01 I'll ever meet someone that actually likes me back this breaks my heart but this is something that everyone feels like everyone at some point goes through something and it's funny to look back but I remember saying on this podcast what's wrong with me like I'm the common denominator because I've been dating for however many years however many dates and it's always me you know like it doesn't work out so it's me they go on and the next person you know I always said I was the one before the one the next person they date they fall in love with which makes it worse because you're like it's not that you weren't ready it's just that you lied yeah you lied you're fucking it well you are ready because you're married but that hurts because you you're getting to this

Starting point is 00:22:40 really deep very unhealthy cycle of thinking that it's you there's not a lot of advice around this other than you have to tell yourself how many people there are in the world. The odds of you waking up, walking out, going on a date for the first time, him being the person, marrying for 45 years, they're slim. Like some people do that and they meet their soulmates really, really young, but majority of people don't. And I think the only thing that you can tell yourself is that you don't want to settle. You know what you're looking for and then truly try and break down within yourself are you upset because you thought that person was the one and they didn't feel it back or are you just upset because you just feel a little bit rejected and

Starting point is 00:23:22 rejection hurts no I think also it's the feeling of misreading like when you're invested in someone you've gone on several dates with them you think it's heading in a great trajectory and then they just all of a sudden fucking ghost you like yeah of course it's going to leave you with questions that are unanswered and feeling as though you have done something I personally want to validate what you're saying, because anyone would feel as though they had done something wrong to turn that person off. But I really, really want to emphasize the fact, and I strongly believe this, someone ghosting you says way more about them and where they probably are in their life. Like he might have other girls on the go. He might have other things happening that have meant that, you know, he

Starting point is 00:23:59 couldn't be as invested in you as what you thought he was. And that's not because you have misinterpreted it. So many people are incredible at showing up when they're on a date and making you believe that they are completely invested in you, that they're not interested in anyone else, that things are going in such an incredible way. And then all of a sudden you feel like emotionally, like you feel like this emotional whiplash because all of a sudden they're not interested in you and they're dating someone else. That is more about their personality and how they are able to kind of switch it on and switch it off. So many people can do that and a lot of people can't. And I think it's that mismatch in when you are all in and how and what they have going on in their

Starting point is 00:24:41 personal lives but also remember how common unfortunately ghosting is like you are not a one-off being ghosted here like I mean how many times we've been ghosted Laura how many times every single week we have people writing about ghosting like it is ferocious and I want to say like you know I mean I've ghosted people in the past which I've talked about it before and I'm And it's definitely not something that I would ever do again, obviously, because I have to ghost my husband. But I understand now at my age and at this point in, and also in how many episodes we've done on relationships, how damaging it is to the other person.

Starting point is 00:25:16 But usually it comes from a place of conflict avoidance and it comes from a place of that person's own insecurity or not wanting to deal with the repercussions. And I would say in every instance where I ghosted, not that there was many, but in the couple of times that I did it was always because I had other big things going on in my life and I was like I can't deal with that like I can't deal with your hurt and your upset and so I would like remove my super selfish in no way am I negating the behavior but I'm kind of explaining the thought process that often happens with someone who's conflict avoidant and then they ghost the only other thing I want to say is and I know that I've been out of the dating pool for a really long time

Starting point is 00:25:53 and there's nothing more fucking infuriating than hearing someone who's like in a happy marriage be like, just keep dating. You'll meet someone one day. And obviously Brit now, like you are also in a happy relationship for a very long time there. Like you were the one who was like waving the dating flag. But what I do want to say is every single person that I have spoken to recently who was in the dating pool and in the dating world. I mean, just recently when we were in Bali, a friend of ours is currently dating and she's like, you know what? I'm just having some actual time off because I am so exhausted by how constantly disappointed I am in men. This is a heterosexual relationship. But I want to say that you are not alone in feeling dating anxiety

Starting point is 00:26:34 because the dating world is very, very hard at the moment. People are extremely disposable in how they treat other people. We're always looking for something better. We always have multiple people on the go. And I think that dating now is probably the hardest that it's ever been. Yeah. And unfortunately we live in a world where, and I completely understand why, your anxiety builds with every year because you're 35 and your anxiety comes from a lot of external pressures and internal pressures. Yeah. It's so hard. We have a biological clock. We can always say you don't settle. You do things when you want. Don't rush. Women are having babies older. That is all accurate, but you cannot deny the fact

Starting point is 00:27:11 that women's fertility runs out really quickly. And I understand why women feel this extra anxiety when they get to their mid thirties and they're single, if they don't have children yet and they want them, it is something that it is all you're going to think about all day. But I also think it comes down to being once, once you're in that point of dating. So like if you're 35, you know, you want a relationship, you know, that you want to have kids one day, like not everyone does, but if that's something that, you know, it's also comes down to being intentional about dating and not kind of, cause I think we can all be very, very kind and try and make someone fit, They might be telling you to your face that they're not meeting you where you need to be met

Starting point is 00:27:51 to have all those things in life, but you might really like them. And so therefore you try and make the relationship fit. I think sometimes it's trying to divide your feelings from your mind and go, okay, can this person, as much as I'm feeling really excited about this connection and this person, will this person give me those things that I want in life? And trying to be a little bit intentional about dating as well, and not just being led by your heart, because that's really important I think you can do that and still be ghosted like I think that's what she's done she said the connection was forming she felt it going well and again that's not on you it's on them but the last thing I want to say is it's completely up to you how you take control of

Starting point is 00:28:27 your life in this situation for me I wasn't willing to settle and I didn't want to go down the track of kids alone yeah but I did want to preserve the option so that is why I did the egg freezing and then I continued in the dating world I also took time off when I needed to but I do want to say I was 35 when I met Ben like you're 35 but I was 35 I feel very lucky I met him at that age but I wouldn't have settled if I didn't met him if I didn't meet him I would have kept dating until I found the right person I do just want to say don't let that anxiety get the better of you and if if your anxiety is surrounded in any capacity with children and fertility maybe go and have that initial fertility chat with a doctor and see if there is anything you can do

Starting point is 00:29:12 if you haven't already done the egg freezing because the anxiety relief that I felt, the weight off my shoulders when I did that was huge. I still had a bit of anxiety about like, am I going to be alone forever? Like the standard thing that everyone feels, but it was a weight off my shoulder and my anxiety was halved when I was like, cool, I've looked after myself in that capacity. Let's just see what happens. But also there's nothing worse for the long term of your life than settling in a relationship because you have anxiety around being alone. Because imagine being 50 and waking up one day and going holy fuck I married that hunk of shit like why did I do that and now I have a whole life yeah like you know like like a literal hunk of gastro why did I marry

Starting point is 00:29:53 that person you don't want to be in that situation and a lot of people do find themselves there because they married someone who wasn't quite right but they wanted to make it fit yeah so that's yeah that's definitely something I think we all hang in there hang in there okay question number three. I moved to a country to be with my partner. Oh my God. Why do I feel like this is going to be like me in the end? I moved to a country to be with my partner. I have said that it is really important for me to go back home twice a year, which is a four hour international flight, but it's also a four hour drive to the airport. Anyway, some of my friends and family mentioned that they reckon he should be contributing financially to me going home because I'm the one

Starting point is 00:30:32 that moved away. I've always just paid, but it did get me thinking. And I think it sounds reasonable that he helps me out he makes significantly more than me too but he doesn't agree should note we've been together for a few years now and don't have any shared finances what do you guys think i definitely think he should be contributing i think flying home twice a year is a lot that's my honest opinion i think two flights a year international flights financially is a lot of money for most people um so I would say one international flight and you both contribute to that is totally fair if you're wanting to do more international flights if you've got this like set idea that you want to do it twice a year then I would say personally I'm like okay cool fly as many times

Starting point is 00:31:19 as you want but maybe that second flight is you but I do think you should be contributing to some of this absolutely yeah you guys are in a committed long-term relationship you've moved overseas together just because you don't yet share finances I couldn't agree more I do this with Ben like when we started the relationship. Ben and you split everything. Britt obviously travels so much and you guys split. I fly four to six times a year and we split it. So he'll only fly once or twice but it doesn't matter

Starting point is 00:31:45 because it's about the relationship together. I'm flying to see him because he doesn't have the ability to fly more. I said at the very start because it's easier for me to say at the start, you guys are different now because you're a couple of years in but it should still be as easy. But before I got into it, I said, look, I'm happy to get into this long term, but it's very obvious I'm going to have to do most of the heavy lifting. Are you going to be happy to split it and help each other out?

Starting point is 00:32:09 And he's like, yeah, of course. I want you to come and see me. I'm going to make this work. The only thing that's different about your situation though, Britt, is that you're flying to see him to spend time together as a couple, whereas this is flying to be away from each other to spend time as a family. So I, and I understand that that is very, very important. and some people are way more family orientated than others.

Starting point is 00:32:30 But yeah, I definitely think he should be contributing somewhat. Whether or not that's two flights or not, I don't know. That's something for you guys to agree on. But you should not be fronting all of the travel when you have been the one that has moved your life over there. You've been the one to make all the sacrifices and you're the one who's homesick and misses your friends, misses your family and misses the life and the identity that you used to have.

Starting point is 00:32:51 Yeah. But you've also said to him before you moved, you know, you said, I told him it was really important for me to go home twice a year. Like if I'm going to move overseas with you, that's a part of it. I think absolutely he should pay for one flight. You've moved for him so you guys can be together. So if you didn't move to be together, you'd probably be flying twice to see him and he'd be contributing. Also, I would, I mean, I don't want to like make a big mountain out of a molehill here, but it would piss me off if my partner who I lived with, who I raised a financial question with responded with, I'm not paying for that. Like I'm not helping you with

Starting point is 00:33:27 that. Especially when it came to something that contributed to our relationship and something that was important to me. Like for me, I don't know that sometimes we're like, it's a red flag. It's an amber flag. It would worry me and concern me about how he views money and the way in which he views what's his and what's yours, even though you're in a relationship together. That to me is an amber flag, I would say. And I think that there's a lot more conversations that the two of you need to have about money, especially when your whole life is now revolving around being where he is. I think finances probably should be a little bit more shared in this instance so that you have a little bit more safety and not so much independence of each other.

Starting point is 00:34:04 Well, I also think the conversation just has to be that, just a simple conversation, but I think you really tell him why and make him understand. So you say, I want this relationship to work. So I'm going to live in this other country with you. But for this relationship to stay healthy and me to stay happy over here. and not resent you and not resent you for making me move I need to be with my family twice a year like I think that twice a year when you live overseas is fine every it's a four-hour flight so it's not a 24-hour flight I think that is absolutely fine it's not like it's a 24-hour flight it's like New Zealand I guess you know like that's the to be fair I missed that part

Starting point is 00:34:37 I know I read it but that or you read it but I missed that I thought it was like okay if you're flying to Europe that's expensive if it's a four-hour flight like just suck it up pal well also he earns more than you so I think just explain like for us to stay successful in this relationship I need to go home and get my fix my emotional fix fill my bucket with my family and friends and then come back and be amazing but I can't do that on my own yeah and mate you earn more than me like throw in a couple of bucks you know that's what I think and if you're gonna maybe there's a conversation you need to have about finances as a whole like if you are going to be in this committed relationship with this person have you had the financial chat because

Starting point is 00:35:13 it's so important are you going to be splitting finances forever or eventually are you going to pull it for your bills or a house or whatever else you want. Like that's a whole nother conversation, but I don't think you're asking for too much. If you wanted to fly home six times a year, that's a different story. But if it's one to two times a year, fine. He can pay for half a flight. Yeah, I agree. I mean, he might not think it's reasonable. I think you need to have a proper conversation about it, but yeah, he's absolutely, play him this podcast. He is absolutely in the wrong about this. Like you're in a relationship together. You share things when you're in a relationship together. You mutually support each other. And when it comes to finances,

Starting point is 00:35:50 if one person is constantly the one sacrificing more to be able to have the relationship, then that is not fair. There's also really little things that you can do that make it feel not as big. So what if you said, could we put an account together where we put in $30 each a week, something like that. And over the year you build up enough money. I'm pretty sure if it's only a four hour flight, I'm trying to think where around Australia is four hours, but it's going to cover the flight. It's flying to Townsville. It could be a $600 flight. Yeah. So if you're putting 30 bucks in each a week, probably doable, whatever amount is right for your guys' financial situation, but it doesn't feel as big of a hit than like, Hey, I'm booking a flight, transform me a thousand

Starting point is 00:36:29 bucks. You know what I mean? So maybe it's something that you can build up over the year. I don't know. I also think if you've been in a relationship with someone for years, it's time to have shared finances. You're paying shared rent. You're paying for shared electricity. You're paying for shared food. Like you're paying for shared things in the house. So are you just buying two separate butters and then you never share anything? Well, I'd be interested to know what their situation is. Like who's paying the rent? Are they splitting everything 50-50?

Starting point is 00:36:52 I'm guessing it's probably everything's down the middle by the sounds of it. But anyway, playing the pot. All right. Okay. Question number four. I met the greatest guy ever. My family absolutely adore him and he treats me so well. We are living in an apartment complex in a main city where we had an external car park

Starting point is 00:37:09 with allocated parking. Very specific. one day on my way back to work I noticed a note on my windscreen when I pulled over to read the note it said he cheated on you babe I instantly thought no this must not be for me but as I got to work and kept thinking about it I started to get upset I told my boss that I wasn't feeling well and that I had to go home and when I confronted my partner I told him if it's true let's talk about it because I can appreciate people who make mistakes he remained very confident in saying that it was absolutely not true and he was upset that someone would do

Starting point is 00:37:42 something like this what are your thoughts on this and what would you have done in this situation do you believe the note that someone left on my car without a contact name or number over someone you love why are people such assholes yeah people are assholes but there are good people out there too this for me is pretty straightforward if you're in a loving relationship and you feel comfortable and you trust your partner and you have there's no red flags there's no no no that gut feeling bubbling that oh my god this could intuition the intuition that this could actually be true then absolutely no you don't believe a random note that someone's walked past and put on your car like without doubt no if you trust your partner you've gone to him you said hey I

Starting point is 00:38:24 got this note and he says oh my god that's crazy no way what's your feeling in that situation and I say that because if that happened to me right now with Ben, I would laugh. I probably would, I would just probably tell him and think it was funny because I trust him wholeheartedly and I feel so safe. And he has never made me question that. If this happened with my ex who ended up being the sociopath with a double life, I constantly felt uneasy, like something was wrong in that relationship. If I got that note in that relationship, I probably would have thought that it was true. I don't think that that is the only times in which cheating happens. I think that a lot of people get blindsided by cheating in their relationships. And I understand why this

Starting point is 00:39:02 has made you feel uneasy, but I think you are going to kill yourself with intrusive thoughts and you are going to potentially ruin a great relationship if you give too much power to a note without any evidence. And also to whoever left that note on your car and for anyone who has ever left a note like this, it is really fucking cruel to do that without context. So unless your reasoning behind it was just to cause pain to everyone to the person who was cheated on to the guy to everybody in that situation that's all you've done so if you want to tell someone that they've been cheated on and you want to leave a note you have to do the due diligence of leaving a number of allowing some sort of follow-up or of allowing some sort of context as

Starting point is 00:39:46 to how what why or even something that actually shows you know who they are his name or your name or he cheated on you at this location on this day. So you're like, okay, well, how would she have known you there? Whatever it is. I want receipts is what I'm saying. Yeah. But I understand what you're saying, Laura. Cheating can happen in safe relationships. Of course it can. That's not what I'm saying. But in this situation, you've got nothing to go off. Totally. No, but what, sorry, what I was trying to get to is, is that I understand why you would then take a note like that and maybe allow your thoughts to run away with you. But I'm trying to say like, just don't allow that to happen because you could ruin a great relationship. Also you've

Starting point is 00:40:22 had the conversation with your partner, who you have said in all respects is amazing. He has completely denied it, which maybe that's what would happen if there was cheating. But the thing is, is all you can do now is give him the benefit of the doubt, is trust your relationship, is trust the connection that you have with him. And if something happens down the track or you find out something else, and then you start to put red flags together, then that's a completely different story. But I certainly would not be jeopardizing my relationship over one rogue note that I found on my car. It could have even blown off someone else's car onto your car.

Starting point is 00:40:55 No, I don't know. Or it could be like a scorned ex-partner of his. You know, it could be someone who is. It could be nothing. It could be teenagers playing up. Totally, totally. I think there's too many variables around what it could be and who could have done it that I would absolutely be prioritising

Starting point is 00:41:12 my partner over the note without context. Well, yeah, you've got nothing left to do really. There's no way that you're going to find out if it's true. You've asked him. the only thing you can go off right now is your gut feeling on his response like was there a tell when he said no of course not I would never was there something that seemed different or seemed off he's like I never fucked that girl I swear I never fucked Betty from the shop down there no but like you know your partner you love him you said he's amazing how did you feel in the

Starting point is 00:41:37 situation when he responded to you and how do you feel in the relationship overall because your instinct right now is the only thing you've got to go off I would not let it interrupt your relationship and continue on. And if there's any other red flags in the future, then maybe you can take a look at it then. Yeah. I do want to say though, in validation of this, not in validation of that, I think he's done anything wrong, but I understand that if you're someone who has any sort of anxieties or insecurities, kind of like we were talking about at the start around like, do you tell your partner or not about an ex fling? Some people would be more affected by receiving a note like this than others, purely because maybe you've been cheated on in the past

Starting point is 00:42:12 and it's a big anxiety for you. I think for me, if I saw a note like that, my logical brain and everything else would be like absolutely bullshit. Like Matt would never. But then some little part of me would go like, oh, am I looking for signs? Am I feeling insecure? It wouldn't last long, but I would definitely think that it probably would hurt me a little bit because it would pick at a wound that still exists from all the things that have happened in the past and all the insecurities I've had around relationships. But I do think be really careful with your intrusive thoughts when it comes to your relationship, because thoughts are not facts and you absolutely can ruin something that's really great by assuming or trying to believe

Starting point is 00:42:53 or thinking that you know what someone else has done or how they've behaved without ever having any evidence. I think you have to be really careful about that. You can also say to your partner, the truth. I feel really uneasy. I haven't stopped thinking about that. I feel insecure. Like, just have a chat because he might do everything he needs to do in that situation to put those thoughts at ease and make you feel better. Like, there's nothing wrong with, instead of accusing him, there's nothing wrong with saying, it's really rocked me. Like, you know, my logical self knows that you wouldn't do that, but it's really made

Starting point is 00:43:22 me feel uneasy for some reason. Like, and maybe just talk through it and see what his response is. Just make sure in doing that you take a very non-accusatory stance because, you know, you're not trying to catch him out. Like, yeah, I think just be careful with the way in which you have these conversations. But definitely it's okay to tell him that it's made you feel uneasy and feel the way that you feel. But, yeah, I mean that sucks because people are assholes

Starting point is 00:43:45 and I think that that's such an asshole note to leave on anyone's car. Whether it did or didn't happen, I think that that is like the most asshole way to go about it. 100%. Pussy. What kind of pussy? I don't know. What do you just call a pussy?

Starting point is 00:43:59 Do you know? The person. The leftist. Pussy. I hate that word. You want to break up someone's relationship? Pussies are tough. Leave a name.

Starting point is 00:44:05 What's that old quote from the lady? It's not pussies are tough. No, she's like Betty White. Betty White's like, why do they always say like a pussy? She's like, pussies can take a beating, something like that. It's actually so true. So tough. She's like, there's nothing more tough than a pussy.

Starting point is 00:44:19 I actually think it's only in Australianism. Absolutely not the saying. Oh, this is her. Okay, Keisha's pulled it up. She said, why do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really want to get tough, grow a vagina. Those things take a pounding.

Starting point is 00:44:33 Betty White. What a fucking legend. What a legend, Betty. I'd like to sign off with that. Here's to you, Betty White. Anyway, guys, that's it from us. If you have any questions for Ask Uncut, you know the drill. Slide into the DMs at Life Uncut Podcast on Instagram.

Starting point is 00:44:46 Tell us what is happening in your life and we will give you some enthusiastic advice based on all the shit we've dealt with in our lives. Also, keep your Accidentally Unfiltereds coming in. If we've ever answered your Ask Uncut or your friend's Ask Uncut, please send those in because we love to do Ask Uncut follow-ups. And also, if you're not watching us on YouTube. you are missing out yeah you could like get this in 3d action like the face the legs the sometimes we box shot we do everything guys come join us on the youtube channel it is laugh and

Starting point is 00:45:15 cut podcast and that's it you know the drill in case you're wondering yes i'm wearing ben's clothes again so if you go to youtube you can see that that's literally the only reason why people are coming to see ben's wardrobe okay actually i wore ben's jacket on the episode on tuesday i've never had more people in my dms asking me where that jacket is from i may as well tell you now not sponsored it is from a site that i hadn't heard of until i met ben a brand called ice cream ice cream yeah love that oh sorry billionaire boys club ice cream that's the i don't know i had to ask ben that's the brand it is a men's jumper men's jacket so for all those people that were asking me just in case you didn't know it is men's wear but i love that kind of stuff the big

Starting point is 00:45:54 oversized stuff so that is it so yeah ben left his bag here so i'm just going through his clothes i'm just and you're wearing i'm incorporating a really nice jacket it's not like a bit lumberjack Matt wears everything in an extra large. He wants things oversized on him so then I can't wear it because it literally looks like I'm wearing daddy's clothes. Daddy. Guys, you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - Should I Tell My Husband That I Slept With Him?

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