Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Shut it down! He's NOT leaving his wife.

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

Welcome to your therapy Thursday Lifers and we're diving into some biggies today! Producer Keeshia joins Britt today and FINALLY shares her own accidentally unfiltered. The girls talk about friendship-dating before jumping into your deep, burning questions.Today we look at:-My housemate has been sleeping with a married guy for 2 years. She is convinced he will leave his wife for her. I can't handle it any more.-I've been with my partner for 5 years and we aren't really in love any more. I've kind of just ended up here. I'm worried that we will just get married and I'll regret it.-My friend is dating a new guy and he's showing a lot of red flags. My partner says that I should shut my mouth and let her work it out for herself. What do you think?If you've got a question you'd love to hear some opinions on, slide on in to our DMs on instagram @lifeuncutpodcast. Share the ep with someone you love because WE LOVE LOVE! XXSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. This is Thursday's down and dirty spicy edition. We call this bad boy Ask Uncut and this is where you write in your questions and we do our best to answer them. I'm Brittany. And I'm Keisha. Filling in for Laura. We have another little appearance by producer Keisha this week.

Unfortunately guys, Laura was a little bit under the weather this week and she just wasn't able to get here for this episode but she sends her deepest condolences. But we have Keisha. Keisha, you've made a few appearances and we absolutely love having you so thank you for joining us today. Oh thank you for having me. I am very excited because it's breaking up the monotony of my boring as shit life right now in lockdown. Well I mean this is my first question. How are you? How's things? Things I mean I am filling in for Laura so I probably sound really similar to her

where I'm like it's a real wave for me at the moment. Some days are pretty low and some days are okay and I'm having a pretty good day today. I feel like I listened to Tuesday's episode with Hugh from the resilience project and I was like yes this is exactly what I need to listen to right now I'm feeling good and I have had one kind of spicy thing happen in my life that I have been dying to tell you about and I've deliberately tried to keep my mouth shut and not tell you when we've been talking normally so that I could share it on the pod I love this and I love that we do this like obviously Laura and I do this all the time but we're like we really want to tell each other something something funny has happened or something we've had this question that we want

ask each other but we do our best we're like we can't tell you we've got to save it for the podcast because you genuinely want the real reaction but I'm here for this Keisha let me live vicariously through you back home like you're living vicariously through me what has been happening what is so spicy that you couldn't tell me so I have been set up on a date very exciting right yes okay I remember those days this is exciting this is exciting times but you know what setups can be I don't know how I feel about them I'll wait till you tell me your story but I I don't know how I feel about them especially if they're a blind setup so I will give a little bit of context as some of our wonderful podcast family know I am living at Britt's house while you're

away I'm currently sitting in your lounge room it must be kind of weird for you you literally have taken over my life you've you've slid in with Laura you were with Laura Matt all the time you're in my house you're opening my packages that's true look lockdown when you live alone I think for anyone living alone right now they would relate to the fact that it can be pretty bloody lonely and I am quite an extroverted person so I have been struggling a little bit and I've been talking to one of my best friends who lives in Queensland pretty much every day on the phone and the other week kind of been talking to her about how much I've been feeling quite lonely and whatnot and I feel like I'm getting better at it I feel like I'm starting to manage the

loneliness and she was like do you know what I actually thought of this today I have a friend that lives a couple of minutes away from you I think you're really suited to each other you both are going you're active you're extroverted you've got similar interests and whatnot so you both want to get down and dirty you both want to fill in some time absolutely hot girl summer coming hot girl waxed and vaxxed summer waxed vaxxed and ready to climax she said here let me send you their instagram account and you can follow them so the instagram account was sent to me and I looked at the profile and I was like oh my god you're so right like they look freaking awesome let me slide into the dms you know i'll make the first step as it turns out brit i've

actually been set up by a friend to make a friend so it's not quite what you're thinking it's a friend set up it's a friend day is it a male or female it's a female and i'm straight and i'm not experimenting i'm not curious you're straight 180 yeah i moved here a few days before we went into lockdown so in our five kilometer radius that I'm allowed to exercise in I've got a total of three friends and Laura's one of them yeah I don't know very many people around here and like I said I've been spending so much time you know working from home and living alone and I've kind of just been like oh I need some human beings in my life and so my friend has like set me up with her friend and we started messaging on Instagram and then we started texting oh my

god this is so cute and we met up the other day I was walking down to our meetup spot and I was thinking at the time my god this feels so much like a hinge date like I wonder if she's gonna like me I wonder if she's gonna think I'm cool is she gonna think I look like my pictures that's actually what I thought I was like oh my gosh this person has only seen my Instagram and like I am so much hotter on Instagram than what I am particularly right now because it's been nine weeks since any place that looks after me has been open my eyebrows are growing out of control how ridiculous are women that this is what we're thinking about you're on you've been in lockdown for nine weeks you're going stir crazy you need a friend you're on the way to meet just a friend

that someone has introduced you to and all you can think of is like is she going to judge my hair is you're gonna judge my eyebrow I haven't got a tan on I look better in my photos we're so silly I saw her standing there or what resembled her Instagram and I went up and I was like hey I'm Keisha like it's nice to meet you and for someone who is usually quite confident I was like oh my gosh I have not been in this experience for so long anyway I hung out with her she's a freaking legend she is intimidatingly fit and so now I feel like I've got to train and get fit up before I can go and exercise with them yeah welcome to Bondi it's like when when you get a cleaner every time I get a cleaner I have to clean my house before the cleaner comes it's like I want my house to

be clean for them it's like the same thing you got to get fit before you can hang out with the fit people 100% and so I'm yet to have friend date number two but I'm very much looking forward to it although I'm not sure whether I should text her first like this is very much reminiscent of the dating game you're still waiting you're still waiting for the text you're like I had a really good time today like let's do it again soon I don't want to freak her out I don't want her to be like okay you're a bit weird and you're a bit full-on but I have a total I mean now I have four friends in my five kilometer radius and I love that for you it's increasing exponentially I have gone on a friend day before so and it turned out very successfully the same sort of a thing without

the worldwide pandemic and lockdown etc happened to me probably actually I'd only been living in Sydney for probably six months right I'd moved from Port Macquarie and there was this girl that I knew in Port Macquarie her name was Kate I'm just gonna outer hi Kate if you're listening we went to the same gym right we went to the same gym for years but we never spoke a word to each other I thought she was a bitch because she was but it turns out she was painfully shy but she just never wanted to make eye contact with anyone she never spoke to anyone and I just I was like I just assumed she thought she was too good for everyone, but she's the most beautiful human. And this is why you can't judge a book by its cover because she was just painfully shy. Like

she was just a really shy girl. Anyway, I moved to Sydney. And then after about six months, I got a message from someone else that I went to the gym with that I was friends with. And she was like, Hey, um, I know this is super random, but you know, Kate from the gym, she just moved to Sydney. She doesn't know anyone, you know, I just thought I'd let you know she's moved not far from you and I had just moved to Sydney six months ago alone as well I didn't really know anyone so I knew what it was like so I was like you know what instead of a setup it was like if you this is a number in case like I thought you guys could hang out it might make you feel good I totally didn't have to but I was like I know what it's like even though I think

this girl hates me I'm still just going to reach out I'm sure I'll never hear from her so I shot her a message and I was like hey it's Britt from Port like from that gym that we went to for two years and never spoke to each other I was like hey it's Britt look such and such said that you've just moved to Sydney I'm in the suburb over this is my number I know what it's like if you ever want a friend or something you know let me know thinking I'd never hear from her 10 minutes later she messaged me she's like oh my god I would absolutely love that can we meet and I was like okay we met the next day and then I like flash forward five or six years and I'm emceeing her wedding we're still best of friends all from this one little friend date so I think that like hats off to you

this this stuff really does work and it's so hard to make friends as an adult right like a hundred percent and I mean I've moved around the country a number of times I've moved internationally as well and I've had a couple of these situations like every time that you move somewhere new you kind of have to re-establish yourself you've got to re-establish a friendship circle and it can take a while and particularly in times like we're in right now I mean it's not like you're meeting people through hobbies and that's what started the life uncut meetup groups you know was people kind of saying i would love to meet like-minded people i i want to make some friends as an adult but we can't have them right now where i am because we're in damn lockdown no we can't

but they are speaking of the groups like that was the next thing i was going to say they're still going on in all the places around the country that aren't in lockdown they're still doing these meetup groups and we're getting tagged and send photos of you guys hanging out all the time and i'm talking 20 30 40 people getting together so if you guys are listening right now and maybe you want to line up some new friends for when lockdown finishes or maybe you're not in lockdown at the moment jump on the facebook discussion group if you're not already on there because there are so many people having like on last weekend gone i think it was in brisbane or the sunshine coast they had the girls had this big pub crawl they all dressed up it was absolutely amazing like i

was so here for it i saw that and to be honest i was like oh fuck you guys that looks like so much fun stop living your best life what I would do right now but in all seriousness I am actually so grateful of my friend that has set me up on a friend date so if you have a friend that's in lockdown and you have another friend that exists within their kind of area tee them up set them up on social media make them be friends Keisha I thought you were just about to say so if you guys have a friend in Bondi please send me their number or set me up I was like you're really putting the call out all right well Keisha I'm glad you're making friends I feel like my little girls i've sent it to preschool she's making friends she's like spreading wings before we get

in to ask uncut which we do have some really great questions we've actually got one that i'm like oh i don't know how i feel about it it's tricky but before we get into that last time you came on as a co-host keisha we had some comments on the facebook group that said like they're all positive but they said it appears that keisha and matt have both hosted this podcast multiple times but neither of you have shared your own accidentally unfiltered now every guest we ever have on the podcast has we have one rule and it's like you've got to spill your most embarrassing moment you know the drill Keisha somehow you've managed to get away with it and I don't know how that slipped by my radar but today's the day do you have an accidentally

unfiltered for us look it was definitely deliberate that I got away with it because I'm kind of one of those people that I feel as though sometimes I read because I go through our Instagram messages as well. And sometimes I read people's accidentally unfiltered. And I'm like, why were you embarrassed by that? That happens to me all the time. Same. Sometimes people write that and I was like, far out. If you knew my life, you would feel so much better about yours. A hundred percent. And so to be completely honest, it was through listening to Tuesday's episode of Hugh van Kylenburg from the Resilience Project that made me kind of, I feel as though if and being completely honest my mind blanks out a lot of the embarrassing shit that happens to me

so that I'm like oh that happened I'm gonna forget about it so that I don't have to live through that trauma ever again same I feel like how am I 34 years old and I'm still getting flashed like you just said something happens I get a flashback of this mortifying moment and I'm like how have I gotten to this point of my life and I've forgotten that well it was through listening to Tuesday's episode that I was like oh my gosh I fully forgot that this happened to me so for my accidentally unfiltered it's quite innocent and quite sweet so for this we're going back to year seven and I actually remember at the time you know when you go to high school I went to one of like one of the high schools where a lot of the primary schools from around the area combined to go to the one

high school so there was like 250 kids in my year and I was so stoked with how many new boys there were to look at and to like I was like yes we're in heaven seven anyway I ended up having this big crush on a boy and I'm gonna name him because you know I have no idea where in Australia where he is or what his life is but his name was Heath but if you're listening to life on card come find him sure anyway Heath and I were in the same music class and back in the day I was quite a good pianist so I was pretty good at the piano I was think I was on like grade five or grade six by this point anyway Heath was a really good guitar player and so in what I thought was just the most genius way to flirt with a boy at the age of 13 I was like how about if I teach you the piano you

teach me to play the guitar and he was like yeah that sounds cool so we struck a deal and on this particular day we were out the front of our music room and now that I'm telling this story I can quite literally see it like I can see all of this happening almost like it was in slow motion you feel the mortification so I had no idea whether he had a crush on me and I had liked him for ages I'm talking like months and months and months and I just had absolutely no idea how he felt about me so we were sitting down and he was teaching me some basic chords on the guitar and he was teaching me how to strum and all of a sudden he turns to me and he looked at me and he said do you know you're beautiful and I felt like I just froze and my heart was racing a million

miles an hour and I was so shocked this is the cutest thing ever and I was like oh my gosh that is like the sweetest thing you've ever said to me like to be honest I really like you and I've kind of wondered whether you felt the same way about me and I went on and on and on about how I really liked him he turned to me and he looked really confused like he had a full frown on his face eyebrows pressed together he looked at me and he went no I meant do you know the song you're beautiful the one by James Blunt like the guitar chords are really easy and I was gonna teach you how to play it and I was like I want to die I felt like a turtle that was just pulling every single limb into my shell and I was like how do I get out of this scenario because it is so obvious that

this boy does not like me and I've just confessed my love for him. This is so good because when you're telling the story I was just like wow like what a mature conversation like do you know you're beautiful oh my god I was wondering how you felt about me too I was like what year seven I mean like if I told you what I was saying in year seven it was on a whole nother wavelength Keisha that is so embarrassing like that is dead set really embarrassing it was so embarrassing he did not like me he did not have a crush on me I never dated the boy and I'm not even sure if I ever spoke to him again after this I was like screw your piano lessons I'm out that was the start and the end of our band that was it we know you never made it still to this day I do not know

how to play you're beautiful by James Blunt on the guitar all right let's get into some questions I'm going to kick start question one with one that I have pretty strong feelings about so Keisha I'm going to be interested to hear what you think so my housemate is sleeping with a married guy and it makes me incredibly anxious I have grown to absolutely resent her it's been nearly two years since they've started seeing each other his wife is so gorgeous and they have been together for nearly 10 years and married for about three I know her only from Facebook and she actually works with a good friend of mine Facebook stalking here that's how I know I just wish I could tell her from one woman to another it absolutely kills me what they are both doing to the point where I

leave my own house when he comes over and will literally go and hang out at the park up the road alone until he is gone he will come over during the day sleep with my housemate and then leave our house just before his wife returns home from work I'm then left to comfort my housemate when she gets upset but also I'm now the only person she talks to about how much of a great guy he is so I have to sit there and listen to this. It's absolutely zero of my business but to think another woman is out there oblivious to her douchebag of a husband drives me up the wall. Now I don't have any proof and he has told my housemate that he deletes everything from his phone every day. I know it's none of my business and I don't want to come in between someone's

marriage but I just can't handle it anymore. My housemate is under the impression that he'll leave his wife for her lol as if we all know that's never going to happen. I used to feel sorry for my housemate because she was so clearly in love with this guy she's completely fallen for him and he's manipulating her she's equally in the wrong though she knows that he's married and I don't want to be friends with someone who's knowingly doing that to another person I don't know where these strong resentful feelings have come from I've never been cheated on I've never had anything like that happen to me personally I'm in a happy and healthy relationship of my own but this just makes me so anxious I guess my point is do I just stay out of it so many other people

know what they're doing I know the married guy they know this girl they know the wife yet no one has said anything to this wife I guess I just want to know what do I do now that was a big big question but I felt like there were a lot of parts of that so I wanted to read it all I have some feelings but Keisha you can give me your feelings first my main feeling is sadness I feel so sad hearing that story in this scenario I mean I kind of immediately think about how the wife would feel and I think the fact that this has been going on for two years and I mean we don't know the nature of their marriage by the sounds of it because he's deleting everything it doesn't sound as if they've worked out that they're okay with the relationship being open and that they're

okay with them sleeping with other people it sounds like this is a cheating scenario and I just think about how I would feel if I was the wife and not only have you got betrayal and you've got your husband that you've been with for 10 years cheating on you you also have all of these people who know about it and that is so humiliating and it's so hurtful as the wife if I'm putting myself in her shoes I think I would like to know okay there are a few aspects to it firstly let's just start with the friend she doesn't she doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore she doesn't can't be around her she doesn't know if she should speak to her about it i think you absolutely have done your part as a friend this is i think this is unacceptable

behavior i don't think i don't know how people condone doing this imagine if your partner was cheating with someone for 10 years like imagine if that was you doing that and this girl is doing that to someone else's family so i think straight away this girl is in the wrong what she's doing is wrong and you're right keisha we don't know the situation we don't know their marriage but what we do know is they are married and this has been going on behind the wife's back for two years so we know that it's wrong if this was me i don't think i could be friends with this girl anymore i don't think i could but i would have to have a really i don't know if you have had the conversation with her it doesn't sound like you've had it sounds like you've actually been a good friend

and you've been comforting her when she's being when she feels down you know after he comes fucks and leaves which you know he's obviously manipulating her enough to make her feel like he is going to leave his wife for her but the fact is this has been going on for years and he just comes over in his lunch break to have sex like pretty big red flag here that he's not going anywhere he's not leaving his wife you sound like you've been a good friend and you've been comforting her I think the time has come I know I wouldn't be still there after two years I would be really honest to say I can't condone this anymore and I can't comfort you anymore I would be very honest with her I'd say as your friend I'm going to just tell you this guy this guy's

not going to leave his wife you need to realize how you're being treated and quite often when you're in a situation like that you don't see what other people are seeing you know love is blind there is a saying love when you're deep in love you have the wool pulled over your eyes that you don't see what other people see and you see what you want to see and you feel what you want to feel so this girl thinks that she's probably met the love of her life and he's going to leave his wife but I can tell you he's absolutely not going to. And if he does, do you want to be with someone that you know has cheated on their wife for two years? Do you not just think he's going to do the same thing? I think you are completely in your right to extract yourself from this friendship.

And if I were you, I would move out. You don't have to be her housemate anymore. You don't have to see that. You should never have to leave your own house for hours because someone else has come into your house and made you feel uncomfortable. That was another big thing for me that you have to leave and sit at the park up the road on your own for hours because he's come over to have sex absolutely not so that's my first thing definitely you need to say something you can completely extract yourself from the situation you need to make her see what she's doing from an outside perspective a it's not right to the wife and the husband like it's not right to that family and b it's not very fair on herself because she can't see what he's doing to her she can't see

the manipulation so I mean in that scenario you're saying like remove yourself from the living situation which is pretty annoying but doable and I mean I guess she would probably feel in that situation though that she was kind of enabling it to continue right because if she removes herself she kind of removes the accountability this other girl is going to get another housemate in who doesn't necessarily know the situation and same thing's probably gonna go on so what do you think she should do about that situation yeah when I think about look if I was the wife if that was happening to me I from the bottom of my heart 100% would want to know I would hope especially if all these people in our group or extended group knew that there

was an affair going on for years if I found that out and knew that no one had the balls to tell me I would be I would be upset I would be angry I'd be embarrassed I would feel everything so I would want to know now having said that it's still very hard to be the person that goes and breaks that news to someone you know this kind of makes me think of a situation that happened to a friend of mine her partner had cheated on her and an acquaintance of hers had become aware of it and she actually had proof of it and this acquaintance decided that she would reach out to one of our friends that she knew was really good friends with the person whose partner was cheating and she said hey look I don't feel as though I know her well enough to be the one who breaks this

news to her, but I feel like I know you and I feel like you know her well enough. So I'm going to kind of leave you with this information. I don't want anything more to do with it. And you can decide what you want to do with it and whether you want to go to her and tell her and you can kind of facilitate that exchange of information. And I think that that was a really kind thing for her to do because she was kind of like, I want her to know because she deserves to know, but I want her to find out in a way that's not going to be really embarrassing and very humiliating for her thinking that everybody in the whole town knows you know because this acquaintance knew yeah look I've said this on the podcast before as well and this is why I find it so difficult that exact

thing happened to me and I was the person that knew and I was the person that went to my friends that were friends with this girl and I just said look this is the information you guys decide what you want to do with that because I don't know this girl but I know that this is happening and I knew it wasn't just like a query it wasn't like a rumor it like we knew it was happening and i was like i just know that it wouldn't be great coming from me because i don't know i also don't want to be involved in it but i just felt like i had to do something because i thought if that was me like i would just be mortified i said i gave my friends the information they were really good friends with her they decided that they should tell her and let me tell you that just fucking blew up in my face

that was a drama for the next year because they found out the information had come from me and someone else and there were other people involved and it just gets messy because you get whether you want it or not you're going to be dragged into it so this is something I always tell people to think about for this girl yes you're going to want to go and drop this bombshell but that's not all it is you don't just go and say hey your husband's cheating bye like that's not what it is you will be involved in that then they'll want answers they'll want to know how there'll be constant questions there'll be phone calls and it's just something you need to remember that it's not just going to be something that you waltz into and save someone's relationship and she's going to say thank

you so much and walk away and it's going to be very explosive and there's going to be a lot of repercussions so for me I wouldn't be personally running to the wife to tell her I would start at the source I would start by maybe you can tell him straight away maybe if he's coming to your house all the time you are completely entitled to say you know what guys I'm sick of this you've been cheating under my nose and I don't want to be a part of it anymore so you need to sort your shit out go and speak to your wife or someone else will make you could always just say that even though you know that you're not going to go and run to her you could just put him on the spot and make him feel like the toad that he is and then if he keeps this up maybe things are going to implode

but this is your home and I this is the thing that mortifies me you're uncomfortable in your own home you don't have to leave your own home and you don't have to feel mortified and anxious every day because of what is happening in your own home speak to your friend tell her it's not on anymore tell her he's never gonna leave you can give her some tough love like that's what friends do if she disregards everything you say and there's no respect and she continues what she's doing well then you know that the friendship isn't what you thought it is and you know that the friendship's over that is what I would do oh girlfriend I do not envy your situation one little bit like this just sounds like the most fucking awkward thing that you're ever gonna have to deal with and

I wish you all the best honestly I am scratching my head at this just like that's it I'm not even sure what the best I feel distressed by this story because I'm like I don't even know I don't even know what I would do I don't even know like what the best way to deal with this is this is awful I don't think I'd run to the wife I think I'd deal with it with my friend and him first and then I'd just leave the situation and then if down the track you feel like you still want to maybe you can do what we just said and you can tell some of her close friends if everyone else knows maybe you can all just get together and be like this has got to stop we need to tell her but you know what can you please keep us posted with what happens with this because I really want

to know who do you confront and what is the outcome and or do you just move out and run to Alaska either way let us know what happens all of a sudden she's camping at the park up the road and she's like I have moved out and now I live here thank you bye Brittany told me I had to leave now I live in a tent in Bondi well if you're looking for a friend I'm in the markets I'll set you up on a friend day you can have a double camping oh gosh okay question number two for you we just had a weekend away at a house overlooking the ocean with my friends my best friend brought along her new fella who I hadn't met before he was super friendly he made a really nice effort to get to know everyone however I'm noticing so many red flags partly because I was

in a previously toxic relationship and I've noticed that she's making the same excuses about his behavior that I did he suggests clothing that she should wear to show off her body tells her not asks her to cook dinner shared a sexy photo she sent him with his friends just to name a few I desperately want to tell her how I feel however my partner who is really amazing thinks she needs to work it out for herself what do you think I should do she seems really happy and I'm just kind of avoiding spending time with her because I'm not really sure what to do she used to spend a lot of time with me and my partner to the point where we joked that we were a thruple but now I feel kind of awkward should I tell her about these red flags

oh this is hard have you ever not liked one of your friends partners I think I've usually been the one friend that has gotten along with most of my friends partners whereas some of my other friends have not gotten along with them. So I've kind of always tried to play devil's advocate or kind of be like, Oh, you know, they're not that bad. But in this scenario, I actually have a bit more experience from the other side where I was the one in the pretty toxic relationship and my friends could see the red flags and came to tell me about it a lot. So they told you, well, I think I kind of might have a little bit of different advice in this situation because what ended up happening I mean I was with someone who was just a pretty awful human being to be completely honest

who was just like spitting out red flags like they were going out of fashion and you're like cute flags I was like I can fix you no problem um and so my friends oh my gosh they just hated this boyfriend of mine they were like he actually is a bad person he treats you terribly he has done a b c d e f g that are wrong to you why do you keep on going back to this guy why do you keep forgiving this guy and to be honest their advice was completely sound and their opinions and their perspective was very correct it was just that I loved the guy and like you said love is blind and I wanted to believe that he was better than what his actual behavior was and so what ended up happening was that I actually started to feel quite isolated I felt like I couldn't talk to my

friends about you know when I was having problems with him because they would be like yeah we know he's a bad person why are you still with him like we've been telling you for months to stop being with him and you're not listening to us and what they were saying was completely fair but I think I needed to get to that point where I saw the red flags and the bad behavior for myself and I'm absolutely not blaming them whatsoever I just started to feel as though I couldn't talk about it with anyone anymore because they were sick of hearing about it which is fair so I think that if you do decide to talk to her about the red flags that you're seeing just be aware that she might not break up with them and I would suggest kind of telling her that regardless of whether she

stays with him you're still going to be her friend and you're still going to be there for her to talk to you about whatever's going well and whatever's going bad in her relationship because she will probably need someone like that if things get worse I might have advice that people don't agree with either but I would let her unless she's in immediate danger unless he's unless he's actually like physically or super emotionally abusive to her and there's just some flags that you don't agree with I would let her try and work it out on her own for a little while because you do worry about exactly what you just said Keisha that you'll isolate her and she won't feel like she can come to you when she actually needs to so what I'm saying is give her a space to work it out and

let her come to you so if eventually which I'm sure she's going to because we can't be blind to this sort of behavior forever eventually if you're that good of friends with her she'll come to you when they've had a fight or when he has treated her badly or when he has done something and she'll want to talk about it and that is your opportunity to tell her how you feel without putting it all on her and she won't feel like she's attacked she won't feel like you've come to her she's come to you with her issue and that is your time to say now that you say it I have actually noticed there are quite a few things that I just don't feel right like have you noticed and then maybe it gives you the opportunity to start the conversation she'll feel a lot more comfortable

in talking to you if like I said at the start if it's a lot more serious than that and you are deeply concerned for her 100% like that's what a friend is you you definitely go to her and you you tell her the truth you say this is what I'm seeing like are you okay is there anything you want to talk about and then you open the lines of conversation for that but this is really tricky and I think you need to tread carefully and this is what I do for every single person that writes in a question I put myself in their shoes imagine you just got a new boyfriend you were pretty in love you're pretty happy you're seeing where it goes and then all of a sudden your friends came to you being like fucking hate him what like what are you doing leave him you'd be like whoa I can

tell you right away, you'd be on the defensive with your friend and it would probably drive you closer to this new guy because you're going to be very protective of him. You've got those lust feelings, your endorphins are going, the sex is probably great. It's new, it's exciting. You just need to be really careful in those early days because you can definitely drive a wedge in the friendship. Yeah, I completely agree with that. And also when you're in that situation, you're the one who's like no but i see the other side of them too yeah you don't see how sweet he is to me in bed you don't see that he brings me yeah yeah we've all been there we've all bloody been there dude after like my ex had another relationship for two years i was like yeah but you don't see

when he buys me a coffee britney like who are you you know i was like it's so easy to be pulled into that she's in a new relationship she's bound to have a problem sometime relatively soon we all have these little like hiccups in these situations and I think that maybe when she comes to talk to you about the first one or the next one that's when you can kind of be like hey look also something that had happened previously that I've been thinking a little bit about not sure if you've been thinking about it but I noticed this and I want to know how you feel about it maybe you can ask her whether she's been aware of these red flags and whether you know she feels the same way as you do but I think the most important thing in this situation is to reassure her that you're

going to be there to support her yep yep that's a hundred percent that is like the takeaway Keisha that's a really good point it's just to whatever you do say make it like one of those little sandwiches like we say a compliment sandwich but make it a support sandwich you know you know I love you but this is what I'm seeing from him this is what the way I think you are with him this is how he is with you but I'll always be here for you so a support sandwich should we go on to question number three question number three I've been with my partner for five years my first and only relationship. I've always felt that he wasn't the one and that it wouldn't last but all of a sudden we've been together for five years and I'm 27 and I don't know what to do. I sort of just don't even

know how we got here. I do love him as a person but I'm not in love. There have never been any incidents or big fights that have led to a breakup. My main concern is that we're just very different people with very different values. The thing that concerns me the most is although he treats me well he has a general lack of empathy and compassion for others and is financially unstable he earns a good salary but he spends it all on unnecessary stuff being kind and empathetic is important to me and it's how i would want to raise my future children i'm worried that i'll just coast through get married end up unhappy because i didn't want to do the hard thing and break up i'm also scared of being single and i worry that i am expecting too much help oh my god girl you are not expecting

too much no and scared of being single no I have so many no feelings trust me Brit it's a fairy world right now do be scared of that I was 10 years deep I was the ambassador for Bumble you are preaching to the choir I was on a bus stop for Bumble so I feel you the ambassador for Bumble so what this person is basically tossing up is whether you're settling whether you're going to settle or whether you're going to risk it are you going to risk it to get the biscuit I have been in one long-term relationship before greatest guy honestly cannot fault him as a person and I remember towards the end of our relationship we lived together and I remember saying this one thing to my friend I kind of just wish that he would give me an excuse to get out of this

relationship without being the bad guy because we're not in love with each other anymore and everything is seemingly fine and if people asked us why we broke up I don't even know what I would tell them but it's not working and we're not each other's person and I feel like I just I don't want to be the bad guy who calls this relationship off and I think this person feels really really similar like you've just kind of ended up in this situation and you know that this person isn't right for you this isn't you guys going through a tough patch and you need to work on it and you need to put energy and effort into your relationship you're not going through a rough time you're not in love with the person and you've established the fact that they are not the person that you

want to be with forever things like how you want to raise your children are such important values that you need to align with because having a kid with someone is a massive deal and you're going to have to go through that together. So if you're already feeling like you're not in love with this person and that you're not right for each other, I can only see this kind of getting worse as time goes on. I'm a big believer of if it is not a fuck yes, it's a no. If you do not feel that excited and passionate about something or someone, now this could be a situation or an opportunity a person the future a decision if you are literally on the fence being like oh I don't think like I sort of want to do it but I don't like then it's not you don't want to do it

that the answer is you don't want to do it from what you have described and I feel you because I've been in this situation as well I think a lot of people have been in this situation what you've described is you have a really beautiful friendship you are in a really beautiful friendship you are living with a really beautiful housemate that is the situation you have described you're two people that like to hang out you don't want the same things you don't see your future but you love just your day-to-day and that is why it's so hard to break away from because there's nothing really huge pushing you away and every day you coast through because you do have fun with that person you do love hanging out with that person they are your comfort they are the

known they're a safety you've been with for five years and you haven't been with anybody else you absolutely can get out of it is it going to hurt yes every single bone in muscle and organ in your body because it's all you've known and change is really hard especially when you've never been on your own you've only known this one situation this one human when you are leaving a long-term relationship it is fucking scary you're like what am i i don't know how to do life on my own how what do I live who is my support who do I bounce my ideas off who do I crawl into bed at night who do I cry to like this is a really big thing but what is bigger is living the next 60 or 70 years with someone that you never really saw yourself with or wanted to be with knowing that

you could have changed your path you could have changed your direction at any time but you were a little bit scared put yourself in 20 years time will you regret not taking the bull by the horns ripping the band-aid off and going after what you really want if you think that you will regret it then that's your answer you probably need to end the relationship with the person that you're not actually in love with and go and live your life you're only 27 years old you're so young and I'm so passionate about that if you think in 20 years you were going to be ecstatic and through the roof and so in love then don't end it but from everything you've said I think you already know the answer you don't want the same things in the future you're not in love with him you've never

felt like it was right for you you've literally said like you're scared that you're just coasting through and all of a sudden you're gonna get married you're in control of your life you are in control of the path that you take you know the answer and I think you're just wanting someone else to support you through it so that is what we're here for and if you want to do that know that it is going to be scary and hard and hurtful but it is probably the right thing that was a spiel I'm sorry I was very passionate about that I did feel like I was kind of in like a relationship coach seminar then it was quite nice but I think also you need to remember how much you grow as a human being in the years in particular that she's talking about she's 27 think about how much you

changed as a person from 22 to 27 like it doesn't surprise me that you have different core values oh it wasn't just my eyebrows that changed there was a there was a big change no I was a different person it wasn't just the fact that I moved to three-day hangovers during those five years used to be able to bounce back like a spring chicken but your core values change like you develop so much in those five years I think probably more so than many other periods of five years in your life like that's a real monumental time in your adulthood it doesn't surprise me that you've changed as a person and that no longer do you and your partners things align and yeah it's gonna be hard it's gonna be hard for like

a couple weeks and there'll be days where you go oh my gosh like something tiny has just happened in my life this person at work has been annoying and in this situation I would usually text my partner and let them know there's going to be situations where you go to Christmas and you're like ah now I don't go to that family home anymore there's going to be a lot of different situations but it's better to kind of like Brit said rip the band-aid and suffer a little bit now and have those awkward kind of lonely times now and find someone that does have the same core values as you and that you are going to be in love with and you want to raise your kids in the same way I think it's one of these things where you sort of don't know at the time but one day you'll be in a

new relationship and you'll be head over heels in love and you'll want the same things and you'll be planning your future and then it will make you realize that what you were going through and what you had with your first partner was a beautiful thing and it was right for the time but you'll realize why it didn't work once you've really felt what it is you're looking for that's a really beautiful thing and that will help you to see oh that wasn't right at that time and it will make you feel comfort you'll have comfort in your decision but until you sort of get to the point where you move on a little bit you're going to question your decision 100 you will wonder if it was the right thing you're going to miss your partner it's going to be super tough i'm not

going to lie to you it's so hard to leave one of those situations and one of those relationships what I can advise you to do is just read through the question that you just wrote to us read through it a few times and read it as if it wasn't you read it as if that was your friend writing that question into you and what advice you'd give to her because I think once you take yourself away from it and look at it from an outside perspective you'll be like wow like why am I in this relationship still also silver lining hot girl summer is coming the world we are weeks away from living life again and I can't wait and you know what that's probably going to be the best time within the whole last two years to be single because every single person is just going to be

like a beast being unleashed and you'll be living your best life and most likely hooking up with quite a few people yeah damn straight but I don't want you guys to think we're like oh just leave because I would never tell anyone to leave a situation that they were like you know I love him I'm in love with him so much like we would never but you've literally just stated that you're not in love you knew he was never the one that you want different things you don't like the same things your future looks different you're just scared of being single that's the reason I'm telling you I think that it's over it's not because I don't want I'm not I'm really you know I love love I want relationships to work but I'm also here to help you guys I'm here to give you

my advice and once I read that my advice is that you absolutely need to leave and my last thing that I want to say is do not be scared to be single it's hard for like a few weeks and then you're going to be like I fucking love this there are so many amazing things to being single and it's not going to be forever so just take it as a piece of time and really try and enjoy the moment and that is my advice today from us that was a big one wow I felt really passionate today yeah we have dived into some pretty deep things today and I'm just going to say that I mean yeah being single is sometimes great, but sometimes, sometimes you're going to be getting set up on friend dates by your friends as well. Guys, you could end up like Keisha. You could be on a date

every second day with a friend. And Keisha, thanks so much for coming on the podcast today. We absolutely love having you. Thank you so much for having me. I absolutely love sitting down and getting to have a bit of a yarn with you. I really appreciate it. And for anyone that missed last week's episodes gosh we dropped so many episodes last week there were five so if you were invested in The Bachelor or maybe you were just more invested in Laura and Matt's batch recaps which it appears a lot of people were Matt and Laura actually sat down with Jay they sat down with Holly and they also sat down with Brooke so we didn't think at the time that Brooke was going to be doing any media but she ended up actually saying that she would like to sit down with Matt

and Laura and so those episodes are in your podcast libraries Matt and Laura just did such a good job on the batch podcast if you haven't listened like there are so many amazing episodes there's a lot of banter I don't know who was coming for the information or who was coming just to listen to Matt and Laura have it out on the podcast but they're there there's a stack of episodes if you want to go back and listen please keep your accidentally unfiltered coming in you can send them into life uncut podcast dms on instagram join the facebook discussion group there is so much that goes on in there questions funny stories pictures updates it's really oh there's life uncut podcast meetups there are so much going on in there it's a really great space

so jump on the facebook group as well while we're speaking with the facebook discussion group the other day someone posted something in there about how everyone feels about giving five star reviews and she basically was saying i think it's kind of unrealistic to expect that all these businesses want five-star reviews and I was like hello just a reminder if you haven't left the podcast a five-star review we would really appreciate it guys I don't think it's unrealistic here is our unsolicited please it actually genuinely helps get into the ears of some people who might enjoy the podcast so on apple podcast if you could leave a review that would be a fabulous we really appreciate it and tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love

because we love love was that so out of time or what