Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Snap chatting a blow job is never a good idea

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

It's therapy Thursday Lifers, and we have this weeks dilemmas to get to the bottom of!Help, my bestie's Fiancé sent me a snapchat of him getting a blowy from a ummmm man,My house mate won't stop with the PDA with his new partnerMy boyfriend won't shag me because he has self esteem issues....If you're one of the scallywags that likes to hear the pod but hasn't left a review, we'd love if you could take a sec to drop some stars! Join the conversation on our facebook discussion group - HERE!Share the pod with someone you love because, we LOVE LOVVVVVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. And I'm Brittany. And this is our Thursday episode, our Ask Uncut episode, our down and dirty, short little sexy episode where we answer your deep, dark, and burning, and sometimes really uncomfortable, awkward questions. Okay, so Jordan caught me listening to my own podcast today, and he was like, I was laughing really loud, and I was like laughing out loud, and he's like, he came over to look

over my shoulder, he's like, what's so funny? And I got all awkward because he was looking down, he's like, are you listening and laughing at your own podcast? And I was like, don't tell anyone. But now I'm telling the whole of everyone that listens to Lifeline Cut. But I went back in time to listen to some of the old episodes and I felt like I was listening to episodes, like I felt like it wasn't us because it's been so long since I was listening and I was laughing so hard at some of the stories you were telling and

I'm like, this girl's cooked, but it's you. It's like those people who laugh at their own jokes. It's literally us, except we just do it and then we tell you all about it because we're losers. Okay, wait, I have a question for you. before we get into answering everyone's questions and for all of you who've written in, we have some great ones this week. I'm like, there's some messed up stuff happening in some people's lives out there. But Britt, I have a really serious, hard hitting question that I don't know the answer to

and I need your help. Okay. It always scares me when you come into an episode and you're like, I'm going to ask you this really serious thing, but you haven't prepped me on it. And now I start to get a little bit panicky because I'm like, I don't know what the answer is going to be. I I haven't prepared anything. But anyway, hit me. Okay, when you were having sex at nighttime. Well, this is not about pooing in the shower. No, I like, okay, we're actually not going to talk.

After last episode on Tuesday, we're not talking about poo again for a while. It was a lot. I give you one week. When you have sex at nighttime, what's the order that you do the sex? Well, usually the penis goes in the vagina. First it's foreplay, then there's a penis. No, okay, this is very serious. What order do you do things in?

do you get into the shower and then do all your face serums and like your like nighttime routine and then get in the bed and have sex or do you have the sex and then you go and do your face serums and nighttime routine now i ask this because i have only just i've only just started having sex again guys and i don't know what i'm doing i've been putting the face cream on simultaneously while we're having sex and i don't think that's right sometimes i use it as lubricant and he keeps saying that the vitamin c cream is like no okay it's burning the reason why i ask this is because I've only just started using really expensive face creams. Your girl, for a long time there, I wasn't using any active products and I've just started on like some really nice

bougie face creams and face serums. And they're so stupidly expensive for how little the bottle is. And so every time I put them on and then we have sex afterwards, I get really upset that I have to go and double apply because I'm like, this is a fucking waste and I'm spending way too much money on my face creams. But I also don't want to then assume that we're going to have sex and not put it on and then the sex be planned and boring what's i don't know what to do okay i feel like you're making some really rookie errors here in your face cream sex shower application of an evening so if you are at the stage where you're planning your sex and not by planning it but i mean like you work all day you've got the kids you know that sex isn't going to happen in the

day you know that the only time you're possibly going to have sex is finally when you get into bed at night if you know you're going to do that do not get out of the shower and do your routine and then get into bed and have the sex and then get back out like that is such a waste of time energy and facial products what i would do and what i do do i will have multiple showers i will always have a shower first because i hate to get into bed at any point of the day when i'm not like really clean then if we have sex i get up and have another shower and then i know that we're not double sexy so then I'll put my face creams on and go to bed but I won't get out of a shower and put my face creams on wait you have a shower before you have sex and then after you have sex

you have two showers well only for if only if I'm getting to bed at night it's not like Jordan's like hey when I have sex and I'm like let me just have a shower I don't do that but or what I will do if I get out of the shower and I'm not expecting sex and I get ready for bed and I put all my face creams on because I've got like a process of about 16 face cream applications that I have to do I've got the eyes and the creases and then the the exfoliant and then the deep moisturizer I'll have the shower I'll get out and do my face creams then I will go to bed if we then have sex I won't re-wash my face so the face cream still stays on unless you're an excessive sweater and you sweat it all off there's no reason for you to go and reapply it should still be on there that shit is powerful

that should have been sunken into your pores by then you are looking at me like you're so confused I just want to like pretty little woman it and be like don't kiss me because I've just done my face creams but then that's not like very sexy either no i think the problem is is like one i'm not gonna have two showers because it's too difficult it wastes too much time between like i get very limited sleep and anyone who's got kids knows that that's that shit is precious that is almost as precious as a very expensive face creams so i'm not gonna go and have a second shower after the sex but i also don't want sex to become so monotonous and planned that you're like okay i'm not gonna put my face creams on now i'm gonna go to bed we're gonna have sex then i'm gonna get up

and do the face creams I feel like there's too much planning in that but then on the flip side of that I'm like well if I go to bed and I haven't put face cream on and then sex doesn't happen I then have to get out of fucking bed and go and put it's just it's too much let's just stop having sex no I have a question what are you possibly doing in your sex that is going to interfere with the face cream that you put on just so much of rimming just my face is just squished between two butt cheeks constantly probably good for it no we we kiss a lot yeah but kiss all over your face it like licks your cheek and stuff doesn't he just kiss your lips yeah but then like smudges all around yeah i don't fuck who knows anyway let's get into the questions this has gone on too long

no i just can't believe that that's the deep hitting hard hitting question you've asked me and i don't think you've even got your answer yeah it's because we had sex last night which you know yay everyone i'd like a round of applause for your girl here who um got lucky no but then afterwards I was like fuck it's all I bet you the face cream's all gone and it's just too expensive to waste then I'm really upset by this and like I had a bit of pash rash and like it was like a lactic acid thing and I was like it's just it's too aggressive for the sex I need to figure out a solution and I thought maybe we should have this conversation publicly on a podcast so that everybody else out there who's dealing with the same level of trauma that I'm dealing

with right now you know the things that we've got to think about in lockdown uh might have their answers also i have a solution i have a solution why don't you just put the face creams on your bedside table go to bed thinking you're gonna get lucky if you're not gonna get lucky you just quickly roll over put the cream on and go to sleep you don't have to even get out of bed like you're not gonna fall asleep matt is not gonna wake up and you are not gonna wake up in the middle of the night and be like let's have sex never those days are long gone let's be real yeah they're gone r.i.p spontaneous sex those days are dead so why don't you just have your face creams next to the bed on the bedside table go to bed try it on with Matt if he's not keen or

if you do do it regardless then you just slap on your cream at the end and hit the hay ladies and gentlemen Brittany Hockley this is why we have her here to answer all of your hard-hitting questions the girl's an oracle you don't pay me enough Laura fucking genius anyway all right let's get into the questions Laura I am going to hit you with the first question now this is in the words of Laura Byrne. This is a real doozy. This is, I don't know what to do with this and I hope you have an answer for me because I'm still on the fence. Ladies, I need some help and I don't know who to speak to about this. It involves my best friend and her fiance. So of course you were the first people that I messaged. I absolutely love that. I'm still processing this as I'm writing

it and I know if I do do anything about it, I have to do it soon. In the early hours of Sunday morning I received a snapchat from my best friend's fiance and I was totally mortified when I opened it he had sent me a video of him getting a blow job from a guy the video wasn't at his home and it was clear he was on someone else's bed I clearly very clearly saw his face the face of the guy giving the blow job and the guy's penis my first reaction was to tell my partner but I know this information is going to do so much damage I don't know whether to speak to my friend first and I really feel like just ignoring what I saw but I can't get the image out of my head I'm just so afraid of being the one to cause so much collateral damage to this relationship and I'm

so scared to see my friend upset I don't have any proof as such because it's snapchat and it has been deleted but I absolutely know this was my best friend's fiancee getting a blow job not from my best friend but from a man what the fuck this is probably one of the biggest questions we have ever had come in in terms of what the fuck do you do that's a real doozy that's a real doozy isn't it what wow like did he mean to send this snapchat he couldn't have it must have been an accident well she said that she received it in the wee hours of the morning so i'm thinking like there's probably a lot of alcohol that's been involved who knows some terrible decision making took place the first terrible decision making was the blowjob the second terrible decision making was

the snapchatting of the blowjob who the fuck uses snapchat anyway like who sends things like this this is that's so late 2015 why are people still sending sexy snapchats i don't get it so i wonder i was thinking that as well right so i don't have snapchat but i know it is actually still really big it is really big but i wonder if he maybe has this sort of double life because he has you know his fiance is female. He is getting a boy job from a man. He's got this other life that people don't know about. I wonder if there's a group on Snapchat of, you know, people that send these sexy things to each other. Maybe he's in a group of other men that all send these things to each other and maybe he's just hit send to the wrong person. I highly doubt he is meant to send this

to her. Oh, absolutely not. Unless he needs it to come out and he, and he's doesn't know how to break up with his own relationship and he's sort of poking the fire. What do you think she does, Laura I think you have to tell your friend but like I think that there is ways that you can approach this but oh my god at the end of the day your friend may shoot the messenger you may be the one that ends up copying the full force of this collateral damage that you've described like that might happen but I think the the reality is is like we love our friends we want the best for them we want them to be in a relationship that they are treated with respect and they are loved and they are secure and this is her fiance and obviously he has some things that he needs to

work out regardless of who he's getting a blow job from I think that that's totally irrelevant guy or girl but the thing is is like he's cheating on his fiance and there might be some other bigger problems down the road for them as a couple if you know he is still questioning his sexuality or there are still things that he hasn't been transparent with with his fiance now look I think the big one here is maybe you don't tell her first maybe go to him and have a conversation with him and say this is what you sent me this is what I've seen and if you don't tell her I'm going to tell her and give him a couple of days to process how he wants to deal with this and how he wants to have that conversation with her that way at least if he does manner it saves you from

being the one who has to bring this horrible news to your friend but if he chooses to go down the route of gaslighting if he chooses to go down the route of lying or saying that you know like you're making it up I still think you need to tell your friend and one of the really big parts of this and something that I think if he does do that and you find yourself in the situation where you're having this conversation with your best friend is making her known that you have no motivator there is absolutely no motivator for you to make this up and lie like what do you benefit from this and I think it's really important for you to explain that to her because she will feel defensive she probably won't believe you instantly like no why would why would she believe you she won't want

to believe that you know her husband or her partner is living a double life so I think it's really important to explain that like this comes from a place of love and this comes from a place of protection and that you gain absolutely nothing from telling her this except that you want to protect her so you say go to the fiance that was getting the blow job give that man an ultimatum say you're on a timer buddy two days three days if he says it's not me he says it's not me it's like you've got no proof it definitely wasn't me do you still go and tell her do you still go and tell your friend yeah I would still go and tell her like okay put yourself just pretend this was Jordan you saw that happen to Jordan do you go to Jordan before me if I saw that Jordan if Jordan

had sent me that fucking hell could you imagine if Jordan had sent me a snapchat of him getting a blowjob from another guy I would call him and say hey this is what you've sent me and you need to speak to Brit about it and if he didn't speak to you about it I would 100% be speaking to you about it yeah and if you saw the same thing from Matt whether it was a guy or a girl and you chose not to tell me because you were frightened of my reaction or you didn't want us to have a fight or I would be so mad and so heartbroken that you just couldn't be honest with me that you you were so worried about my reaction over taking care of like my heart and protecting like my my relationship my future that you're more worried about yourself than what you're worried about me

that's the way I see that I would 100% go I like because I try to put myself in this position and think would I go and tell you or would I go tell Matt I would go and confront Matt I 100% agree with what you said Laura I think go to the man at fault and just tell him and you don't have to go in accusatory and you don't have to go in aggressive or mad or anything you just have to say hey look it's highly likely you did not mean to send me a photo of you getting a boy job regardless I saw it and you need to address this you need to tell her if he doesn't then yep give like Laura said give it a couple of days but there is a big chance that this could just blow up and he could deny it there is no proof he could be like if she's marrying him and she thinks that

nothing's going on he could be like what are you talking about your friend is crazy as if I'd ever do that and then I've been in this position before it's highly likely that your friend is going to take the side of her fiance and think that maybe you missaw something and it wasn't him and it was someone else and you have to be prepared that that is going to happen because love is blind and when you're that in love with someone and you're in a situation where you think you're marrying them and you're going to spend your life with them and you think you know them back to front you don't want to hear anything bad about them and you will see what you want to see if he tells you it's a mistake and it wasn't true chances are she's going to believe that so you do

have to be prepared but i think 100 you're not going to be able to live with yourself if you don't somehow inform her of what her fiance is doing especially before she marries him like that's a big thing because if it comes out later and she's like why the fuck didn't you tell me he was cheating on me when we were engaged before we got married like this could have stopped who knows how many other people there are like that's the thing we don't know there's different tiers of friendship right if she was an acquaintance I don't think you need to go out of your way to tell them if it's like a second tier friendship you don't need to go out of your way to tell them you don't need to put yourself into that firing line and make yourself the bearer of bad news

but when it's your best friend even if this breaks you as best friends even if she chooses to believe your partner, at least you have done the right thing. And I know that there will be so much hurt and probably so much grief in losing a friendship over this, especially when you have done nothing wrong. But that's the truth. The truth is you have done nothing wrong. And the conversation that you've had has come from wanting to protect and do the best thing for your friend. And if he's done this once, the chances are he'll do it again. The chances are he will continue this behavior and she may find out she may not find out herself but if she does find out in the future she's not going to keep holding this against you I'm so sorry that you're in this

position I think a lot of us and a lot of us have experienced maybe a milder version of this but we found out that our friend's boyfriend has done something wrong and we have to kind of grapple with whether it's worth risking the friendship but I think with these sorts of things when it gets to a point where it's so damning it's so obvious and the betrayal is so huge you owe it to your friends to to kind of put that friendship on the line because the truth is so wow okay let's go back to talking about face creams and whether to put them on before sex or not one thing that i want to add before we wrap this up is this is just a perfect tie-in so i think it was last week on the podcast we were speaking about do you tell this exact thing do you does this girl go and tell

this other woman that her husband's cheating on her she didn't know her that well and we did this whole big chat about it I was so intrigued by it but I put a bunch of polls up on my Instagram stories about would you tell if you're in that situation and would you want to know if you were the person that was you know this husband was cheating would you want someone to come and tell you and it was actually really interesting result because only 55% of you said to tell the wife so there's only 55% saying, go and tell that person. But 95% of you said that you would want to know. Now, those statistics don't add up. That's saying that everyone is like 100%, tell me, but only half of you are like, oh, I don't think I have the balls to actually go and do it.

So I think you've got to put yourself in that position. Would you want to know? Would you want your friends to tell you? Because I 100% would want my friends to tell me. Yeah. And I know no one wants to be the messenger. No one wants to be that person who feels like they are responsible for the breakdown of a relationship but at the end of the day you're not responsible for the breakdown of that relationship he is and that's really important to remember you're not out there trying to ruin her relationship and I think if you've been best friends with her for years and years and years she's going to know that like you're not here trying to just fuck her life up like what do you gain out of that all righty anyway let's get into

question number two and I'm going to read this one to you Brittany hello ladies my question is I have lived with one of my closest friends for the past two years he's been in a relationship now for almost six months I love them both individually and together they are awesome and in saying that though sometimes I do find myself feeling like a complete third wheel to them in my own home especially in lockdown it's the constant going on walk after walk together it's the only cooking meals for the two of them when the three of us are at home it's the two of them cuddling on the couch and kissing even when we've decided to watch a movie together I love love too and I'm so happy that he has found the guy for him but I just don't understand how

you can't keep your hands off each other in a communal space for just one hot second am I being too prudish too sensitive or is it worth saying something to him oh I feel for you I really do but they've been together six months they're in love they're in the honeymoon stage and it's locked down they are going to be together 24 7 this is a tough one because the only thing that I think you could really comment on is probably the cooking dinner for the two of you when there's three of you I think that that is something that can be adjusted like I think you can all have meals you can go and eat it separately you don't have to eat together but if you're all in the same house you're eating the same sort of foods there's no reason you can't all throw in and and share the

load share together eat together whatever but they're going on walks together and they're being affectionate and kissing i that's unfortunately just part of young new fresh honeymoon covid lockdown love and there's not a lot you can do about it unless they're obviously like i mean if there's three of you on the lounge and they're like rolling around knocking vases off and like and they're like windmilling each other and slapping each other in the face with their penises just shy of that if they're just like having a smooch and a cuddle I think you've just got to roll with it I don't know how much there is you can do unless it's very in your face and then you can be like guys get a room just make a throwaway comment kind of like that and maybe

they'll pull their head back in what do you think 100% stop being the relationship cringe I mean I know that we're in lockdown there's nothing else to like focus on but I I agree I think probably lots of us have been in these situations where we've had housemates, their relationship status has changed, they've met someone new and then their fucking new partner is around all the time and you feel like the space and the home that you once had, you can kind of feel a little bit muscled out of. There's a few different things here that I think it gives you a place to say something. If you have a small couch and they're both always taking up the whole couch, which means that you can't even sit in your lounge room because they're laying down, cuddling, all that

sort of stuff. I think that that is like a point where you can say, hey guys, you kind of make it have been impossible for me to be able to enjoy the space when you guys are on the couch like that if you can you know just make it so that there's a bit of room for me I'd really appreciate it you don't even need to say it that nicely just be like yo move your legs bitch but I think that that's the sort of situation where you totally have a place to say something the cooking one is so interesting to me because like okay so I think that you can also get into the other like the flip side of a problem with this so I have lived with couples before there's so many benefits to it. There's so many cons to it as well. Often what happens alternatively in a couple is that

the couple see themselves as one person. So it's actually kind of nice that they're cooking their own meals and then you can do your own because it's sometimes worse when they go, oh, we cooked for you last night. Now you cook for us tonight. And you end up cooking for two people on the same rotation that they cook for one person. I'm sensing this is a bit of a personal situation floor I have had this before yeah totally and like you're like then feeding two people and you don't have a second person to like enjoy the benefits of it being equal I think but for me like in the past when I've lived with flatmates I live alone now obviously but for me I've always liked to cook my own food even when my flatmates are usually like let's throw in I'm like I just

it's easier for me it's quick I exactly like Laura said I don't want to worry about the next day being like oh now I've got to make something amazing also I'm a shit cook so like I don't want anyone to eat my food now maybe it's not a matter of like you cook one night they cook the other night but maybe you all just throw in and help each other and I can guarantee you cooking there's not a big difference between cooking for two people and cooking for three people I think you could just ask for that and straight up just say hey do you guys want to get into a routine where you know every second night we all just throw in and cook a meal together like it's a simple question like that and it doesn't have to be every night then you can do your own thing

some night as well they can still feel like they're on their date but I think that that and the lounge thing I think that's pretty easy but I don't think you can make a big deal about it no because as much as it's your home it's his home too put it out there as like we can have family night and then you all do it together and that makes you a more included part of that evening as well but I think it's really important with these situations and like especially with lockdown like you don't have anything else to focus on so something that maybe wouldn't bother you as much normally you're so much more focused on it because there's just so few distractions and we're spending so much more time in our homes at the moment so I do think you need to weigh up how much is this

pissing you off that's the real question if this is something that you think about every single day it's affecting the way that you live your life in your own home you're not able to enjoy your home if it is causing you that much upset then absolutely there's a conversation there that needs to be had but if it's just a bit annoying that he's like super in love and you aren't and then therefore you have to watch it all the time and you're like oh fuck get a room guys if you just have this niggling thought every so often it's not worth it it's not worth having an uncomfortable conversation just so that you can make your point made all it's going to do is make him feel a bit bad make them feel like you know they're going to then have a conversation about

it when you're not there like make them feel like it's you versus them and look I think we've answered this I think just know there is an end in sight and then you can go out and do whatever you want the second lockdown is over because there is also a high chance that they don't even know they're not including you or that you're feeling like this because they would be in their own little bubble and they're not noticing anyone else they're in a love bubble and a love bubble is very hard to penetrate it is very powerful a love bubble but just know the end is in sight how is your powerful impenetrable love bubble going britney oh it's like the thickest strongest biggest best bubble i've ever had i just vomited in my own mouth who brought me all right let me

hit you with the last question girls i have a question for you about partners with low self-esteem last night my partner said he felt so ashamed of his body and that it's not me and he's not that he's not attracted to me or anything it's his confidence that is stopping him from initiating things and he just doesn't want to have sex with me. I've mentioned it to him multiple times that I've noticed a very big drop in frequency that we have sex. We live together but the last time we had sex was probably four or five weeks ago. He said that he needs me to be patient with him and that he wants me to initiate things but I told him that every time I do try and initiate it I just feel shut down because every single time he says no he feels too much pressure to perform. He

mentioned last night that when sex is more spontaneous with less build-up he enjoys it a whole lot more he says that he loves me and he doesn't want me to think he's not interested or anything but right now I'm just at a loss at what to do I want to have sex he doesn't he says he's not confident he tells me to be patient any advice is appreciated if he doesn't want planned sex you definitely can't be putting on your face creams after the sex you've got to come to your face creams on so he doesn't think that you've been thinking about this you're gonna put those bad boys on the bedside table ASAP. Okay. So I've actually, I mean, I'm going to talk about this one from a personal experience. I experienced something very, very similar to this in a past

relationship. My ex stopped having sex with me. We hadn't had sex in close to six weeks. Was that because he was having sex with other people or is this a different ex? Too soon? Yeah, too soon. Okay. It was a different ex. So we hadn't had sex in like six weeks and I had tried multiple times and he just would like say he wasn't in the mood or he couldn't get it up or there were all different reasons like it just wasn't happening and it left me feeling really really super insecure about how he felt about me and whether he was even still attracted to me and then when we got down to it and we had very similar conversations to the ones that you have had he said that it was

because he was feeling really like unattractive and unmotivated he was someone who had always been really fit and then because work had been so busy he hadn't been going to the gym as much and he felt like he he just felt like he like lost his mojo a little bit and it was great that he was so honest about it but it also made me feel a bit mad and a bit resentful because I was like well you're the one who holds the key to fixing this solution and you're not doing anything about it and I guess like my biggest part of this is like if the thing that's holding him back is him not feeling confident about his body or having low self-esteem. He's the one that needs to fix what's broken. He's the one that needs to do the work on himself. Now, I'm not necessarily saying like

that he needs to go to the gym and get a six pack so that he feels good about himself, but he needs to kind of do a bit of self-love and a bit of self-work. And there's no amount of you telling him that he's still attractive and that you're still attracted to him because that was the situation I was in with my partner. I still thought he was the hottest thing out, but it didn't make a difference me saying that and if anything sometimes I think when we feel like we're lacking in self-confidence and we have someone constantly telling us how beautiful or awesome or whatever it is that they think we are you almost think that they're lying you're like oh like can you stop saying that because it's not true it doesn't make you any more like believing in those statements

so for us and for him it was very much that he needed to get back into exercise and it was because exercise is such a great endorphin builder it made him feel good about himself it made him feel like you know he was getting back into his fitness and that made him feel sexy again and that is was the catalyst for us having sex but it required him to go and do that and once we identified that that was the issue and he actually started to like you know take some control over it then our sex life got back on track so my question is is one could you go and do some exercise together or something if that is going to be a motivator if it's if it's self-confidence because he's not happy with the way he looks is taking some control over that a

possibility or two if there's nothing wrong with the way he looks if he's healthy if you guys are exercising and this is something that's much more deep-seated because like you should feel confident at every size you know in every shape if this is something that's much more of a personal and deep-seated issue maybe he needs to go and speak to someone and work out why he's feeling like this because you can't fix everything for your partner sometimes and sometimes they need to have an external or people we need external people to speak to to get to the bottom of why we're feeling the way we're feeling I think first and foremost you 100% need to be there for your partner and support him I think that that is the foundation to any relationship we are all no matter what we

look like no matter what stage of life we're at no matter how we feel we're all going to go through ebbs and flows we're all going to have points of our life where for maybe a really good reason we feel shit or for maybe no reason like Laura said sometimes there's not really anything any reason that you you lack confidence or you're feeling really low or you're feeling really sad or your libidos drop there might not be a reason it might just be a little ebb and flow you need to be there to support your partner. I'm 100% sure you're already doing this, but just make sure he feels the love and support from you. So make sure you say, obviously you need to express that this lack of sex is a problem for you because it is, you've written in and it's something that's really

worrying you. So you just need to talk to him about that first and say, I really need to get this back on track. Like I want us to work together. I want you to know, I just think you are still the sexiest thing. I'm so attracted to you. Like nothing has changed for me. And then you need to talk about what you can do together to make him feel better and don't underestimate the power of external sources and what that can do for your life maybe he's not exercising so he's not getting the endorphins maybe he has really high levels of stress at his job which we know the impact stress can have so if he is having a really shitty time in every other aspect of his life he's going to bring that home so you need to discuss all these external factors

what I can suggest you do if he has tried to see if he has said to you in response it's better when it's spontaneous roll with that take that start initiating really spontaneous sex maybe at the best thing you could do in this situation when he's openly said like I'm not comfortable with my body I don't want you to see it as much as you might not want to but maybe start having sex again in the dark when you're getting to bed the lights are off so he feels more confident at this point and that can start to get the sex going again. He'll start to get back into it. Maybe he'll start to get his mojo.

He said he's not confident with his body. The worst thing he can do is in the middle of daylight and the light's going to rip his clothes off. He's going to feel uncomfortable. Like it's, I mean, like this is a rocket science. So I think just start trying to initiate the sex again. At nighttime, when you're in bed, you've had your shower, light a candle, maybe he's in bed before you.

Maybe you can sneak in and wake him up. Maybe that's the kind of spontaneity he wants. But I think that is a really good way to start it. and to take his feelings into consideration at the same time. And I also think on that, like 100% Brit, everything you said, yes. But I also think sometimes trying to initiate sex, like even just the like you have it in your mind that you're like, cool, I'm going to initiate sex now.

So therefore, when he's like, oh, I can't or I don't want to, whatever, he feels pressured and then you feel let down. So there's this like cycle that happens. And like even if it to you is spontaneous, if you start kissing him and you're like okay but my end goal is that I want us to have sex there is still pressure in that I think sometimes you need to have really intimate moments where your intention is not to have sex the end goal of it could just be kissing that's it there is no end goal like that it's just I just want to make out with you no expectation of it going any

further and then leave it at that just have a fucking awesome makeout session on the couch and then walk away from it because I think that having those periods of intense connection and so a physical connection without it being that your sole purpose of doing that is to have sex with them can really alleviate the stress that that pressure of having sex can build and that that it can have when we've gotten into long-term relationships when we've gotten into the routine when we know exactly what to do that's going to then lead to performative a b c if i do a then i do b then i do c then we're going to have the sex and then he's going to come and that's going to be done you know like we know exactly and then i can go to sleep like we know the process right

like it becomes formulaic so if you mix that up by doing something that's intimate but the end goal isn't sex it's just being together and being physical with each other I think that that can really do a lot for alleviating the pressures that come with it so give that a try as well even if it's just a make out on the couch clothes fully on just a big passionate kiss and then leave it walk away see how he feels maybe the guy'll get a bit horny I do love that too but there's also like little things you can do like slow build-ups to get him thinking about it a lot more send him sexy pictures throughout the day when he's at work or sexy messages you could do some sexting or you could start that conversation so that he starts to think about it all day and it

starts to play on his mind again it becomes a bit more fun and exciting and hey he can engage in sexting without taking his clothes off like he can do that confidently and he can do that where he feels safe and comfortable so there are those little things that I think you could try but if this continues to happen and you try everything you can you need to sit down with him like Laura said and said what can we do to make you happy you're not confident so something needs to change because you can't do the same thing over and over and expect a result we all know that yeah and he can't expect you to be the one to put in all the effort so like like you said you know are you supposed to just be patient for a period absolutely you can you can offer

patience you can offer support and comfort and guidance and all that sort of stuff and blow jobs and as many bloke like they're here take him take him if you want him but you can't constantly do that and constantly be rejected because that will wear you down and it's already started to wear you down so I think that there will come a period where if you feel like you're implementing all these things and you are doing your absolute best to try and bring some spontaneity into the relationship you're trying to like you know get his desire back and you're still being shut down like it is so natural to feel defeated and the way that you feel and to almost feel resentful because like there's only so much sexual rejection that you can receive from your partner whether

the problem is with them or not it still fucking hurts and I do think that they get to a point where if you feel like you've tried everything and then the overwhelming sense of rejection or being let down is too much for you that's when you have to have those conversations the really hard ones of like I've tried now and now you need to come to the table too because it's just not good enough for me to be the only one who's meeting you three quarters of the way yep there's two people in a relationship that's my favorite saying sometimes actually risk it more if you're Tuesday's episode if you listen to this week yeah there's as many people in a relationship as you want guys that is it from us that is our down and dirty Thursday ask uncut please keep the questions

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