Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - The 30-Year-Old Dating Rut, Best Friend Betrayal & My Underwhelming Engagement Reaction

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany. And this is Ask Uncut, where we answer your deep, your dark and your burning questions. Sometimes when we do a lot of recordings back to back and interviews and whatever else. We've done one, Britt. We've done one. Yeah, but we still talked for three hours straight. We arrived this morning at 8 a.m it's now 11 30 no yeah it's 11 and we've only recorded one 45 minutes because sometimes sometimes it's hard you've just gotta you just gotta spend time together feel each other out that was weird i didn't mean it like that just like you know whatever do you know what the energy is different different days and some days you want to sit there and nut

Starting point is 00:00:47 things out not nut it out but feel each other out yeah exactly but no i it has taken us too long to do what we needed to do today we have not been productive or efficient and your word of the year was efficiency no do you know why because sometimes okay everyone does this some days you rock up to work and it takes you a little bit longer to get going you've probably opened and shut facebook five times that's mainly you you made yourself a coffee you sat down at your desk you opened the email then you didn't reply to the email then you opened another tab and you just you can only just like fuck around for a few hours until your brain kicks into gear okay does anyone else do this the problem with us is that we're recording podcast episodes and we come in and

Starting point is 00:01:23 then because we're all really good friends we sit down we chat and then we I drink my coffee and then you're got the dog and like to feel each other out and then we feel each other out yeah and you have to make sure that time equally we're having a good time but like sometimes it just takes a little while to kick into gear at work and I know we pretend like this isn't work and most of the time it doesn't feel like work it doesn't feel like work but it is our job so whether it feels like it or not we're very lucky we still have to get the job done which we have not been doing. Anyway, ask your question, Britt. Ask away. No, it's not a question. I learnt the wildest

Starting point is 00:01:55 thing this morning. Was it that female frogs pretend like they're dead so that their male frogs don't have sex with them? More wild than that. Okay. I am a frog. I always knew I had something in common with frogs. We should call Keisha Froggy now. At work, when they're trying to fill me up.

Starting point is 00:02:10 I am a frog. You're like, don't call me a starfish, call me a frog. No, talking about like taking a job switch, like a career switch in your life. Roald Dahl, you know the Roald Dahl. Roald Dahl. It's not Rahul Dahl.

Starting point is 00:02:24 It's Roald Dahl. Roald. Roald? It's Roald Dahl. What are you doing? My pronunciation is not very good. R.D. You know, he's a very famous author.

Starting point is 00:02:36 He wrote things like the BFG for those playing at home. Do you know what his job was before he became a world-leading author? This is so annoying because I do know this and my brain has decided it was not important enough information to store. I've been told this. You're going to be mind blown of what he used to do before he became a children's author. I know it. Do you want me to tell you?

Starting point is 00:02:58 Yes. He was a spy. Roald Dahl is a spy in World War II. He was a full on like fighter pilot guy that ended up being a spy. I knew this. Then he was like, not for me. I know what I'll do. Write a kid's book.

Starting point is 00:03:14 He did a real 180. It's kind of like how James Blunt used to be in the military and then he wrote a song about a woman on a train that he was obsessed with. And so did somebody else recently that became really popular. Can we just go back to James Blunt for one second? Yeah. I don't know if you guys follow him on socials. He is the fucking funniest guy.

Starting point is 00:03:31 He spends all his time trolling himself. Like, it's great. Just go onto his Instagram or look up James Blunt tweets and it will give you this deep appreciation for that man. Well, was he a spy? No, but he worked in the military, so probably. But don't you think that's insane? It just goes to show you, you can follow any passion you want.

Starting point is 00:03:49 It's not too late to change your career. I truly believe that. I truly believe that. And I'm just shooketh. But also, why didn't he write books on spies? I guess that's giving away the information. All right, let's get into the questions. Wow.

Starting point is 00:04:02 Okay, no, it's vibes. Let's get into our vibes. Okay, my vibe for today, it's an Instagram handle that I think you should all go and follow, especially if you're into interior designs or DIY stuff. Keisha, you would absolutely love this. it's your jam. I thought you were about to say it is James Blunt. No, if you're into interiors or you want help with like redesigning your home in a way that's cost budget friendly, but also like really colorful and just, I think she has amazing taste. Okay. So her name is La, L-A underscore

Starting point is 00:04:32 Sidhu, which is S-I-D-H-U. Now I came across her recently because she was creating a tile mosaic mosaic centerpiece out of her dining table. It was such an ambitious DIY job and it's been done over several parts, but I just got hooked into the little mini series of the DIY mosaic table. But then the more that you go through her stuff, like she's just got really, she's got a great sense of interior designs and I love it. Like I love all the stuff she puts together. It's wacky, it's quirky, it's colorful, it's fun. And I feel like it's very accessible interior design for people who are doing it themselves. So that is L-A underscore S-I-D-H-U. She's only got 69,000 followers, which in the world of influencing, I would say she still sits

Starting point is 00:05:17 under like between a micro and a macro, you know, influencer. I wish I had more desire to do that kind of stuff. I wish I didn't have a job so I could do it full time. It gets my juices flowing so much because you get like, you get the satisfaction of having done it yourself but also the projects aren't so big that you get it quite quickly like the oh yeah they're very it's a very instant rewarding it's like a one to two day project max the thing with the mosaic table is it took her several weeks and I was like that's an investment piece I probably wouldn't do that but I might do like a small coffee table like a little side table a little plinth maybe this might surprise you guys but I did used to be that person but it was

Starting point is 00:05:56 because of the person I was dating so I used to build with him and it was like our bonding sessions We would spend weeks doing it. We used to build furniture together. And I have a daybed, the most beautiful daybed that we built out of driftwood that's still at my parents' house. It must be 12 years old. We built mirrors and furniture and coffee tables because we didn't have a lot of money back then.

Starting point is 00:06:14 So we're like, let's build everything. I used to be like that. And now I will just sit and look at something. Now you just text me and get me to bring my tools over and act like you can't do it. This is fiending competence. No, I've got tools. You've outed yourself. No, I can do anything.

Starting point is 00:06:28 I just don't want to. I don't choose to. but also can you come and do this because I don't know how to hang the picture then you get there and she's like actually I didn't want to hang the picture sorry I said it wrong no so the other day you know you guys remember a couple of weeks ago now Mitch Churi was over at my house and we were having a meeting and he broke my chair like he fell through the chair it just collapsed the legs bent he fell onto the ground it was a whole thing so Keisha did initially build those chairs for me because I was away when they arrived bless her cotton socks

Starting point is 00:06:56 so fast forward Mitch breaks the chair and then I just sort of like put it in a pile and push it to the side and I just leave it at the dining table because I'm like oh it's a tomorrow job a tomorrow job and then weeks go you wait for Keisha to arrive I did I did and then Keisha came over and she's like bring me your tools and she just goes and gets the screw and I brought her my tools and she just did it it's not that I can't I would just happily you guys have seen the lamp that's in the back of every video I ever post on socials it's a broken lamp off to the side I'm like it works well you know I don't need to fix it but if you want to fix it Keisha next time you come over okay I'll work on the lamp it has been sitting there for years and it has kind of been annoying

Starting point is 00:07:32 me didn't have duct tape around it at one point yeah that was sticky tape you duct taped it straight I was like I also tried to glue it this is why Mitch recently said that you are a tight ass because like the furniture's all falling apart and you just like leave it until someone else does it you know what I say you can't take the poor out of the girl if you don't need it if it ain't broke it is broken though that's the point the light still turns on it's just tilted it it's abstract functionally it still works yeah my vibe this week is something that i have my vibe this week is something that uh my partner and i have actually started doing every night at dinner having sex no i'm a frog uh it is called worldle so not to be confused with wordle but a

Starting point is 00:08:15 kind of similar concept so worldle it comes up with a map and you have five guesses to guess what the country is okay and it will give you if you like type something in it will give you how far away your guess is in kilometers so well it's it's a country so it could be like a country in south america anyway if you either are good at that or not if you get in five guesses well done it then will go into more specific things about that country so there'll be all these questions it's going to be great at it is that south america i looked at it so there'll be things like what is the capital what is the flag what is the crest what is the language like it's just a fun it's a website I don't know if they've got an app version we just use the website version

Starting point is 00:09:01 it's pretty simple it kind of looks like it was made on windows 98 and so how do you get the answer does it like you type it in and it says yes or no yeah it'll come up like either green or red but if it's red if it's incorrect it will give you how far away your guess is from the actual country so you can kind of try and narrow it down right it's like hot and cold yeah yeah and so it's just been really fun it's been something that we've been doing together at night time that we kind of I don't know it's like it's kind of like my duo lingo but now we're doing it as a couple and it's been very cute that I like that I have a lot of time for that and I'm particularly bad at countries and flags however Matt it is a surprising ability that he has he

Starting point is 00:09:40 knows so many flags like I think it's a men thing he knows every like even really obscure flags he knows them and I realized this when it was the Olympic Games and like there was like times where just the flag would show up in the thing and he's like oh that's Uruguay that's that that's and he just knows all the flags to me I was like that's fucking hot how do you know that my husband knows flags no but I think it's a thing the flags they're really getting me going fuck me I have realized that the ones that Tobes is good at is because they play soccer like he's really into football that makes sense yeah like maybe Matt's into sport yeah no I don't well he's really into the olympics like the olympics is a weird thing matt could watch any game that's on at the olympics

Starting point is 00:10:21 and he would be into it doesn't matter what it is he just loves the olympics yes the winter olympics took over a house yeah curling is hard to look away from once you start you're like actually not much is happening but i'm super into it and there's a whole cheating scandal but we won't get into that i'm into that keish that's a great vibe worldle it is completely free just type that into google and it's the first website that comes up yeah i love that my vibe this week it's on stan and it's called Gone. It's literally just a crime show. It's UK based crime. It's a TV series, but I feel like UK, if you're into your crime shows, UK does it best. UK does it better than anyone in the world. Like a UK crime show is everything, but it's got a, it's just one TV

Starting point is 00:10:58 series, one season. It's got a really good twist in it. It's just, if you're looking for something to watch, you're not going to learn anything from it. It's not going to do anything, but it was just an easy watch for me on Stan. I actually liked that recommendation. I don't feel like It always has to be something that's, you know, going to add value. Sometimes you just want something that just feels good and is an easy thing to consume. And you have good records when it comes to that stuff. Yeah, well.

Starting point is 00:11:19 A benign, like if you were like, oh, I'm going to recommend something, it's showering, then I'd be like, Brit, you could have done some research. Well, I would recommend that to you because you really show your feet. Sorry, one time Brit was like, egg in an air fryer for 12 minutes and I was like, are we really there? That was her vibe last year. Do you know that was one of the most popular vibes we've done? I'm not kidding.

Starting point is 00:11:36 That is a fucking vibe, Keish. What about the vibe Britt did where she was like, go out with your friends. Hang out with your friends. Also, sorry, so many people responded to that. But that's what it is. It can be anything in the world, guys. And my vibes, people love my vibes. That's when you know Britt hasn't thought about it until the time

Starting point is 00:11:52 that we sat down in the chair and she's like, hang out with your friends, guys. No, that's how you know that Brittney's a loser with no friends that finally hung out with a friend and was like, oh, this is fun. All right, let's get into your questions. Question number one, advice needed for a lost 30-year-old. honestly, I'm really stuck and struggling being single. I've been told my hormone levels are low and the best option is to get my eggs frozen as I am single at 30 years old. I'm not closed off to doing it, but I just feel like a failure and putting it off. I've tried dating and anytime

Starting point is 00:12:22 I think I found someone, it's always the same story. You're amazing, but I found someone else, but I still want to be friends with you. I'm just exhausted with dating, but I don't want to give up because I want a partner and I do want a family and all that jazz, but I genuinely feel like it's never going to happen. I kind of feel like I need to give up on a life that I've always wanted. How do I get out of this rut? Dating is exhausting and the fear of getting my eggs frozen is just all consuming. And honestly, I'm shutting down because of it. I just want some advice and preferably not the typical, you'll find love when you least

Starting point is 00:12:50 expect it. This to me, I mean, obviously I can relate to it heavily in many ways, but this makes me really sad that you've written yourself off at 30. You're only 30. 30 is so young. And you saying like, do I have to accept that I've given up on the life that I always dreamt of just if you've been following this podcast forever right you'll know all about our lives from day dot from when we started but if you think of everything that I've ever told you on this

Starting point is 00:13:16 podcast or Laura's ever told you all the chapters we've been through we went on the bachelor at 30 so all of those things only started at the age that you are at now like 30 and I understand why sometimes when you're in it and you want something badly you feel like you're running out of time and you feel like it's out of your reach but 30 is so young I met Ben at 35 like the love of my life at 35 I froze my eggs at 33 that was my first round so that was three years from you now I understand it because I remember doing podcasts about it at that age when I was like 30 31 I remember like crying on here sometimes just saying like I want what everyone else has I want what Laura has I want that love and security and it's easier said than done when time goes past

Starting point is 00:14:03 to look back and think like oh I was crazy for feeling that I had so much ahead of me but I can understand why you do the only way I can tell you to get out of this rut is to put things into perspective so maybe that is looking at what Laura and I have done in the last eight because we're 30 well Laura's 40 and I'm 39 think about all the stuff we've done in the last nine years and that's where you're at now so I just think it's really hard to get yourself out of a dating rut especially when you feel like you're the one before the one because everybody else you meet yeah you know everyone you meet the next person they date's the one that makes you feel even shittier but don't give up 30 is you're a baby you have so much ahead of you yeah I mean my girlfriend's 38

Starting point is 00:14:43 she's just met in the last sort of eight months met someone who is amazing and I think she was sort of at the point no she's almost 39 where she was considering whether or not she would just have kids on her own because she really wants kids and so she was like okay well I'm almost 39 and haven't met anyone. Will I just decide to do this for myself? And she was toying up with that idea. And then as she was making those decisions, she did meet someone and now they're going through that process together. They're going to have kids together. And sometimes when you meet the right person, I'm not going to say like, you'll find the love when you least expect it. What I am going to say though, is, is when you find the right person and the things that you want in life align, stuff

Starting point is 00:15:21 moves quickly. And so you might think that you need five or six years or whatever that looks like to build towards the relationship or the goals and definitely some people do but then there's other people who meet someone and shit just falls into place so fast and that like all those things that you hope for and wish for in life you know come into fruition you do not know what the future has in store you've got no clue all you are going to do is cause yourself so much anxiety by willing your life to be somewhere where it simply isn't just yet and I went into my 30th birthday being broken up with I think we'd broken up two weeks before my 30th birthday I was devastated and I had this moment and I felt these feelings where I was like fuck I'm literally starting not even

Starting point is 00:16:04 just starting from scratch like I'm part broken so I'm like starting so far behind scratch it's not like I'm single I'm at a place where I'm like ready to date I'm like desperately sad and uh and on my own again and you know I think it's really hard because when you're in it and no matter what age you are I don't want to say 30 and like and be like 30 so young but it could be 35 it could be 36. It could be 38, whatever it is in your thirties. If you aren't where you thought you wanted to be by that age, it feels very heavy and it feels very hard. And I don't want to take any of those feelings away from you. But what I do want to say is, is do not discredit life and everything that is ahead of you because you just simply don't fucking know, but you've got to get

Starting point is 00:16:44 out there and keep dating. I do want to make a point, the complicated feelings that come alongside fertility. And the fact that you said, I feel like a failure because I'm at the point where I'm going to have to freeze my eggs. There is nothing about taking control of your life and your fertility that is a failure. And it's, I say it's complicated because women that have problems with infertility or are going through IVF or are having children on their own or have had miscarriages the first thing that you think of whether you know it's true or not is I'm a failure my body's letting me down I can't provide it's broken I can't provide my partner what they want or it's not doing what it was supposed to do as a woman but those feelings are just inaccurate

Starting point is 00:17:29 and they can very easily consume you you even said you're being consumed by those thoughts fertility is all consuming but freezing your eggs is not failure it is the opposite it is absolutely taking control of your life and we know it's not a guarantee but you're going and saying hey I might want this in the future I'm going to take control of what that could look like and do everything in my power I'll ask you this because I've never frozen my eggs myself but I would assume that freezing your eggs is actually liberating because it gives you the opportunity to not rush it allows you the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you have more time up your sleeve well it's not guaranteed more time and that is what I do really want everyone to understand

Starting point is 00:18:09 that eggs and embryos doesn't guarantee that you'll have a baby, but it increases your chances far more than if you don't have them. And what it does is give you the option and it gives you a little bit extra security because they're snap frozen in time. So if you're now saying, okay, I'm 30 and I'm thinking about freezing my eggs because it's not great, but I'd rather put my head in the sand for five years and do it. Your eggs will be far worse off in five years when you do it than now. Like the best thing you can do if you're looking at doing it is doing it at 30 because they're snap frozen like vegetables. So the quality of the eggs are frozen at whatever age you take them. But for me, I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted off my shoulder. Like

Starting point is 00:18:49 once I did it and I've done four different times now over, uh, I think four years. And I just feel now that if it still didn't happen for me or they didn't work, at least I won't have that really heavy feeling of regret down the track because I'll know that I did what I could do and it wasn't meant for me yeah but if I never did that and then I got to my point and I just couldn't fall pregnant and that was taken away I feel like I'd probably live a lot of my life being like damn I wish I did that I wish I knew what would happen if I took that control but by no means ever do I want anyone to feel like that is failure yeah and I think I mean I know you said like it's not a guarantee and it isn't but like fertility isn't a guarantee regardless of whether you freeze your

Starting point is 00:19:31 eggs, you don't freeze them. Like fertility is not a guarantee for anyone, but the statistics around it are like really positive. I mean, I was just looking it up because I was like, I don't want to just leave with this. Like, well, if you do it, it's not a guarantee anyway. Around 90% of eggs survive the thawing process after which they behave like normal eggs, like fresh eggs. So like that in and of itself is pretty remarkable when you think about it. And if you're freezing your eggs at 30, which means that you're giving yourself the best chance because the younger your eggs are the better it is for everyone the better it is for you like you're giving yourself the best chance I feel like you're alleviating as much of this pressure

Starting point is 00:20:06 as possible better to freeze your eggs at 30 than to be trying you know at 39 or 40 or 42 or whatever it looks like you know what I mean whereas you could be trying at that age but with 30 year old eggs like what a miracle that is it's funny because I didn't feel like I didn't have those feelings of like I'm broken or a failure when I was freezing my eggs because I I just didn't feel like that like I wasn't failing at anything and I wasn't broken because I wasn't actively trying I did have those feelings and I really had to try and check myself out of it very quickly. When I did my first round of embryos and I got none, that was when I felt like I could even cry thinking about it now.

Starting point is 00:20:40 That was when I felt, I can't even put my finger on what I felt, but it was just this sense of, I'm not going to be able to give my partner what he wants. Yeah. Like, cause all of a sudden I felt like that was my responsibility and I talked myself out of that really quickly and so did Ben, but I can understand where those feelings come from in a situation like that yeah but it's just life like all you can do is set yourself up with everything that you need to get the outcome that you want and for you if that's freezing your eggs at 30 I froze my first eggs when I just met Jordan and I told him straight up I said hey I

Starting point is 00:21:14 know we just met I'm freezing eggs for my fertility I'm older than you does that scare you you know and he said no it's absolutely fine but I just want you to rephrase the way you're looking at at that age and it's also normal to go in and out of wanting to date like dating is exhausting man like there's there's only so many times you can go on terrible dates with terrible people before it wears you down for a minute and you think the world is doom and gloom and you do need to reset like you remove yourself take yourself off the apps don't think about it for a little bit and then you can get back into it but a reset is absolutely normal I also don't think it's necessarily healthy to be dating when you are in a period where you feel a bit desperate or a bit

Starting point is 00:21:52 hopeless like a rut yeah I actually think that that's really non-productive to your dating life and it means like you're not going to enjoy it dating should be and can be fun and can be enjoyable but if you're already feeling this immense pressure then like going on dates and like trying to meet people it means that you have this very set expectation and so you can either potentially push something with someone that you're actually not that into who doesn't tick all the boxes because of this you know ticking time bomb that you feel or this pressure you put on yourself or it means that someone who could be a great match it may not end up working out because you've put so much pressure on it you've come on too strong you've like behaved in a way

Starting point is 00:22:29 that feels like the stakes are really high you know what it's like when you really want something when you really want something and you care about it so much often they're the jobs that you don't get or you fuck up the interview or it's like you don't have the best most relaxed time and it's because you put so much pressure on yourself and then it's the ones where you don't that you seem to like be able to take it more casually or don't care about it as much. They're the ones that work out. And I think it's not because there's a mismatch. It's because like you're able to be relaxed and be yourself and not be like so high strung about it or overthinking everything. And I think that that's where you're going to get yourself into if you're in this constant state

Starting point is 00:23:04 of anxiety about being 30. The only thing I'll say to that is it's really hard to get out of that mindset when you're in your thirties and you want a relationship. It's really hard to say, oh I'm just gonna kick back and not think about it yeah because it is all you think about and it's like when you tell yourself not to think about it you do and it is true like when I say it'll happen when you least expect it or when you don't try I do believe that but it's also fucking annoying advice too like when you're in and someone's like it's just around the corner you're like fuck off Sally like it's not just around the corner we could do an episode on all the worst advice there's plenty more fish in the sea but you know they're not they're awful and I

Starting point is 00:23:40 do believe that like when I met Ben it was because I wasn't looking with him because he was foreign and I knew I knew I was using him to get back out into the dating world he didn't live there but I was still at the time of my life where I was looking so I knew I was looking for the person but I didn't go into my hurrah for a what's a sexual awakening with him I didn't go into that sexual awakening night thinking that he was going anywhere and I I do attribute that to why he wanted me so much because you're casual you were like nonchalant you're like I don't want to pin this guy down yeah but I I still was at the time where I wanted a relationship so like I was going hand in hand but I think you just need to enjoy your life I hate to be that person that says life

Starting point is 00:24:19 goes so quickly but it does and I just want you to enjoy where you are and know that you do still have to put yourself out there it isn't just going to walk in and sit on your lap but you need to do it at the right time so if you're feeling really shitty and you're in a rut then take a step back prioritize some friendships prioritize going out with your friends to have a good time not going out to meet somebody so just change I guess your purpose for what you're doing and who knows what will happen next question one of my best friends is dating my ex my ex my best friend and I have all been friends for about nine years one year ago my ex and I broke up from our five-year relationship that's a long that's a long time yeah it was a fairly mutual breakup but it did

Starting point is 00:24:59 come from me. Straight after the breakup, my friend and my ex started getting really close and spending a lot of time together. I started to question if something was going on between them, which was always a sensitive spot for me during the relationship because they were really close. I felt replaced in my ex's life by my best friend, but I tried to move past it. I even spoke to both of them about it and they told me nothing was going on. Fast forward to now, where I have just found out that they have been sleeping together and are in a situationship. This has been happening for about seven months, but they only broke up a year ago. I reckon it's been going on longer.

Starting point is 00:25:35 I am here to ask you how you would feel in this situation as I am totally over my ex. I don't care if he moves on, but I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel about my best friend and what this means for our friendship. I feel she has totally disrespected our relationship. I think the expected response would be to stop being friends. And that is what I have told myself that I would do if I ever found out that they were being together. but the problem is I actually don't feel affected by it. Should I hold a greater standard for our

Starting point is 00:26:03 friendship and move on knowing there are better people out there who have my back or should I just move on and continue with our friendship however that may look? For context she's very distressed about what this means for our friendship now that I know they're together. So it's interesting because the question is more around she's like I know how I'm supposed to feel because there's been a betrayal of sorts you know my best friend's been with my ex only three months after we were together it was a long-term relationship they lied to me about it I should be enraged but she's not okay so I think firstly it's fine that you don't feel much towards it and the reason why you don't feel much towards it is because you genuinely are so over your ex like

Starting point is 00:26:44 if you felt because like for a lot of people even though they're quote-unquote over their ex there would be this sense of what's the right word well jealousy it's like it's like because they were mine like you kind of feel as though that they are off limits forever to the people that you care about right in this instance I think the thing that sits very uncomfortably with me is that they chose to lie to you about it they weren't honest you brought it up with them both multiple times by the sounds of things your spidey senses were telling you that something was going on. And you weren't crazy. You were not crazy. And I think you were probably dismissed as being such. That's the thing that's the most hurtful. It's not the relationship. It's actually great

Starting point is 00:27:25 that you don't feel anything. And you know, of course she's distressed about it. She's distressed about it because lying to you is a really unkind way to treat your friend. It's not the fact that she's gotten with your ex. I don't have an issue with that if you are fine with it. Do you know what I mean? Like if you are fine with it, that's cool. But it's the lying. It is weird though. yes it's weird it is weird like five years but do I think that you should hold a better standard for yourself in terms of your friends yes and no I don't think you need to hold a better standard in terms of like get friends that would never ever hook up with your you know now ex-boyfriend but you do need to get friends that wouldn't intentionally lie to you and deceive you because

Starting point is 00:28:04 that's a whole relationship that's been going on behind your back that they've both chosen to be untruthful about and that's fucking weird it's tricky because it's not really it's not very common that you have this situation where like usually if your friend is hooked up with an ex usually you're like fuck that it's almost like the girl code that you don't do it but it's because you have feel nothing for it this is what I'm thinking right you feel nothing for him and the fact that they're together isn't the issue so I think that is fucking amazing like well done if it's genuinely not an issue and you think you can move forward and be around them all with zero problems great is it an issue that she lied to you and hid it from you yes but I think if you

Starting point is 00:28:45 try and think about why I imagine if they actually have proper feelings together and let's say best case scenario is they never cheated they never did the wrong thing they've also known each other for five years and maybe they did develop feelings like maybe that is what happened and they've known each other for nine years yeah well nine years so maybe the feelings were always there and they didn't play on them I would like to think she didn't betray you to that level if it's a really serious relationship and it's only it's been seven months I would imagine as a really close friend she'd be like how the fuck am I going to tell her that we're together and end that friendship I imagine it's something and I'm not saying it's right but that she probably

Starting point is 00:29:22 put off because she couldn't fathom how it's going to go and what it's going to do to the relationship more so than saying hey let's keep this from her I would like to think it's come from like how are we ever going to have this conversation now I'm not saying it's right But if you can sit down with her and unpack that and she's really great to you as a friend saying, I just didn't know how to tell you, but he means a lot to me and I know it's wrong or whatever she's going to say, I think that is going to determine how you move forward as a friendship. Or if you think she's actually just lied about a lot, manipulated a lot, you probably don't

Starting point is 00:29:53 need it in your life. The only other part of this I think is something to maybe be a bit introspective about. But I think the reason why you actually don't feel a lot about it is because you've suspected it for so long and finally you just have proof. It's almost like you're not angry, you're not mad, you're not anything. You're just like, okay, well, finally it makes sense. Do you know what I mean? Like finally I now have the validation that I'm not crazy.

Starting point is 00:30:17 I do think that there's something quite sad about the fact that you felt this insecurity whilst you were together. You were with him for five years and you felt an insecurity around your best friend and the way in which your boyfriend at the time and your best friend interacted that it made you feel as though there was something that you should be questioning well it just sounds like they got on like a house on fire totally but it also means like i mean they were only broken up for a couple of months and then they were started to date so like your intuition has always told you that something there is a bit amiss and it clearly was and now they're in a relationship together

Starting point is 00:30:50 she broke up with him though though totally but do you honestly think that you will be able to maintain the same level of friendship with your ex and with your best friend? Do you think that this will go unchanged? I think it's early days for you. I think you have a lot to process. And I do really think that by the time you step away from this for a little bit and unpack the fact that you have been lied to by the person you call your best friend, once there's a bit of space in the equation, I actually think you'll probably come to the realization that yes, you should expect more from your friends than from someone who will, you know, jump this second that you're not in the relationship with him anymore and then lie to you about it and I also we're putting a lot

Starting point is 00:31:27 of blame on her but I also want to put blame on him because like as your ex and someone who's within your friendship group he owed you that respect as well that was two people choosing to lie to you about this and I think all of this is just kind of gross you're the one that has been left out of the equation you know what's my only other question seven months who else knew like did everybody else in the friendship group know and they've been I don't know if that's just my paranoia would go to that of being like okay so there's been at this for a while they've been lying to me has anyone else been a part of this equation like that would be what would play into my mind I reckon they've kept it a secret yeah from everyone I don't know but also even in that

Starting point is 00:32:07 I felt replaced in my ex's life by my best friend well yeah I tried to move past it and even spoke to both of them about it like when you go through a breakup it doesn't matter if you're the one who does the breaking up or not like you need your friends around you you're going through a huge transition a huge transition in your life where you're going from you know being a couple to being a singular person that's the time where you need your best friends more than anything and instead of her being there to support you and rally around you and like you know fill that hole that is left when you go through a big breakup she was yeah you know like you have answered the question yourself when you say like you know should I hold higher standards for myself in my friendships only you

Starting point is 00:32:44 can make that decision but if this was me I would hold a higher standard because I don't want friends who lie to me and I don't want to feel betrayed by my friends and I don't want my friends to be going behind my back because they're scared of offending me so instead they choose to lie to me it's a really big thing this and yeah I think it's great that you don't feel as strongly about it as what other people would but that doesn't mean the behavior was okay I also just think like when you look at the future do you see yourself sitting down with her for coffee while she tells you about their sex life or their problems or do you know what I mean like you can unpack that We're like, same babes.

Starting point is 00:33:17 He used to do that to me as well. Does he do that thing with his fingers? Oh, he's blowing his load too quick. We've all been there. But I don't know. I just think how do those conversations go? It's going to alter the friendship in some capacity. You're not going to play on all three of you like nothing happened.

Starting point is 00:33:32 And also you don't want him in your face all the time too. Even if you've moved on, he's still your ex that you shared five years with. Great if you can. I know a lot of people are amicable with their exes and have them in their life. but there's different to being amicable with an ex that you still have around and them constantly being on the friends weekends away and the group dinners and the weddings and the birthdays and everything else i mean look the way in which i think you need to approach this is yes this will more than likely change your friendship right however your friend went into this relationship

Starting point is 00:34:05 with full knowledge and your ex went into this relationship with full knowledge fully understanding what they were doing and that this would have repercussions so when you say she's so distressed about what this means for our friendship she knew what this meant for your friendship she knew that this day was coming like this is not something that she can be like i just didn't know and now i'm so like that's not the truth like you knew that this within the context of what you guys have been through you knew that this was going to be something that would be really hard for a friendship to overcome and she chose the ex anyway she chose the romantic connection and that's okay I'm actually I actually don't hate her for it but what I would say is that it shows which

Starting point is 00:34:45 relationships she's prioritized it's not the friendship well she also could have come to you and before sleeping with him for seven months she could have come and said I have feelings I have feelings for Brad what's that gonna look like how do you feel about that if like just be open about it i mean look it's an awkward situation every way i look at it i'm like my skin is crawling put it this way brit if matt and i broke up imagine if we broke up i would never and four months afterwards the two of you were in bed together like four months no imagine seven months later it says call me step mommy imagine a year later i said to you for seven months i was sleeping with him imagine that like hey laura for i didn't know how to tell you but for seven months i've been

Starting point is 00:35:29 to be honest even if I was completely over the relationship or I think about my exes you know like you can sleep with any of my other exes but like none of them there's not one ex you've ever talked about where I thought it could be a good option dateable not one but what I was gonna say is is even if I felt nothing even if I felt nothing for them or the situation the thing I would feel for was the betrayal the thing i would feel sad about is that you cared about our friendship so little that you risked it i was like you risked it without being truthful it was gonna be great podcast content though we need how are we gonna keep the pod going we need a bit of drama a bit of jeopardy

Starting point is 00:36:09 all right that's a really hard one to answer because only you know how you feel about it but um aftermath that one please write in and tell us how it goes please i need to know yeah what are those dinner parties like now. All right. Next question. Three years ago, I was casually dating two guys at the same time. After about two to three months of dating each guy, things started to get a bit serious with both of them, I guess. Love that for you. I knew it was unfair to continue with both, but I found it really hard to choose. Both had great qualities, but I ended up choosing guy A because I felt a deeper connection at the time. And he was a friend of a friend that had been vetted fast forward guy a and i broke up 2.5 years later it just wasn't meant to be but now i

Starting point is 00:36:53 can't help but think should i try and see if something could work with guy b i don't have him on social media so i can't check if he's dating anyone for context guy b messaged me multiple times throughout my 2.5 year relationship initially he said he would wait for me if i changed my mind i never responded out of respect for my relationship he would message me from time to about our mutual interests even when he saw guy a and i at a sporting match should i initiate conversation and if so how do i go about it you send him a text and you'd be like hey you remember how you said you'd wave no i want to say yes i want to wrap what's the statute of limitations no you can go you can go guy b for sure a hundred percent you can message him just have low

Starting point is 00:37:37 expectations you don't even know if he's with someone like it's been two and a half years he might be seeing someone casually he might be seeing someone serious fuck he could have kids and be married like two and a half years things move fast but you have to keep in mind too that you have you responding to him now and like coming out of the woods and saying like hey you're still there like Marco he is going to realize that he was second choice it doesn't take rocket science like you chose someone over him and now you've come back to him because it hasn't worked out you can by all means jump into that and put your toes in the water but you have to be aware that he might not be available and might be like I've thought about it now like my feelings have moved

Starting point is 00:38:19 on and I don't want to play second fiddle or be second best yeah you also have to know that you guys only dated for two to three months so there's no guarantees you might start dating him and be like oh actually not like I'm not as into it as what I was two and a half years ago like that's very real too you know I'm not saying don't do it I think you can I think you can message him and be like okay what would that first message be though what would you write would you be like guess who i guess who's back back again i find you i think you have to write like what um what up yeah hey i hey would you say like i've been thinking about you i've received a couple of these the easiest ways when like you know how she said that he would message about

Starting point is 00:39:01 mutual interest you just need some tangential is that how you say it link to that mutual interest and be like oh my gosh this came up the other day and i thought of you i just wanted to check and see how you're going yeah I would just say really simple I don't even think you have to feign a fake interest I think because you want to let him know you're interested so you want yeah you want it to be like just say on my mind hey I've been thinking about you how you been because it's quick it's short it's I've been thinking about you how are you it's a question so he has to he doesn't have to respond but he's going to then be like holy shit she's single like if you have messaged him out of the blue especially when you weren't responding because you said you always respected

Starting point is 00:39:38 your relationship. He's a guy. He gets it. You've messaged, said, I've been thinking about you. He's going to get a hard-on in two seconds. Also, make sure you post at least two bikini shots to your Instagram beforehand just to really cement. So if he goes back looking, he's like, oh, it's on.

Starting point is 00:39:51 That's the Brittany Hockley formula. That is me too. I need to write a book, actually. I need to sell an e-guide. Can I do an e-guide? On how to be single? How to be single and get a man. How to let this – you've got to put the scent out first.

Starting point is 00:40:05 there's brit out there spraying everyone do you guys reckon that let's say that like she actually does send the message and they connect do you think that she should address the fact that she chose the other guy and maybe it was a mistake or do you think you just kind of like no no it'll come up at some point like if they do get serious and there is like some sort of because he's going to want to know what's different this time like why did you start thinking of me again like why do you whatever and it also depends on what reason you gave him when you guys were dating years ago like did you tell him hey I'm also dating someone else simultaneously and I like him better so bye like how much information did you give him or did you just call it off like he might not know as

Starting point is 00:40:44 much as we know put it that way oh we're in the inner circle I've done this guys I've done this exact thing everyone does it you always revisit that one that got away or the one that you've always thought about or did I make the wrong choice where would be now turned out he was in a relationship but you know it didn't stop him don't they don't you guys remember it was like One of my most liked posts. Don't you remember when I was recently single again after my heartbreak? Once I pulled my shit together, I went to Thailand with my sister and I just posted like a photo of me from behind.

Starting point is 00:41:13 It was all us. I was in a tiny bikini on the beach and I literally just wrote on the caption, tell me you're single without telling me you're single and it went off. It went off its head. And I was like, I just need to let people know that I'm back. Because everyone was like, is she or isn't she still with Jordan? And I was like, she is.

Starting point is 00:41:27 And you like wouldn't reply and then all of a sudden you're like, but here's my ass. I was. And I was just like, I'm single. Like, let's do this. Slide on in. Anyway, DMs actually didn't flood as much as I thought they would. You're like, any minute now.

Starting point is 00:41:41 It's just women in the comments being like, yes, go girl, fire flame. It's funny. It was all women just being like, yes, like you're back. You're owning it. Like you're happy again. The men were frightened. You were like, I'm not. I was like, I'm deeply unhappy, but I've been working on my ass.

Starting point is 00:41:55 So I've been doing the squats, but I'm deeply depressed. what a time to be honest okay look I think we can answer this easily shoot your shot reach out but I guess my big thing is is don't expect him or the relationship to be what you think it is I think you were only together for two and a half months I think you can very easily romanticize that he's now the one that got away because the other relationship didn't work out I don't think that that is a very I don't think it's that feeling is rooted in anything real I don't think it is I think you made a decision you guys could probably catch up meet again whatever but you have to treat this as though it's a completely new getting to know each other and like relationship

Starting point is 00:42:36 because it's been so much time you really don't you really don't know this guy he could be a different person by now yeah you really don't know this guy but yeah but do it anyway because why not and aftermath that one as well and let us know how it goes okay last question my friend got engaged and I felt nothing. Now I feel terrible. That's rough. My best friend got engaged last weekend and I said all the right things. I screamed, I cried.

Starting point is 00:43:00 I asked to see the ring and I asked for the proposal story. It's like she's got a proposal checkbook. But privately, in that first moment when she told me, I felt nothing. Not happy, not sad, just nothing. And now I feel like a really bad friend. It's fine. Do I secretly not think he's right for her? Am I jealous?

Starting point is 00:43:23 Am I just a bad friend? She's absolutely glowing and I feel guilty for not actually being excited for her in any capacity. What is wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you. We don't know. Maybe you are jealous. Maybe there is something about it that makes you feel as though you're losing a bit of

Starting point is 00:43:39 your friend. But then you'd still feel something. She feels nothing. She's a sociopath. No, you're not a sociopath. I don't know. you never know how you're going to react in situations until you arrive at that destination and I think it's a good thing that you're a good actress and you knew how to turn it on

Starting point is 00:43:54 like I'm glad I cried I asked to see the ring I asked for the story I'm glad that like you put on an A grade performance I think give yourself a bit of a break the feelings will probably come I actually think that you probably feel even potentially a little bit like I'm losing my friend to this exciting news you know or like there might be something else that's kind of like coupled in there that you need to unpack but we can't tell you if you're jealous we can't tell you like we don't know how you feel it is a weird reaction to not feel anything about it but maybe you've got a lot of your own shit going on in your life at the moment the important thing is is that even though you faked it you showed up i'm definitely stumped yeah it's hard like why

Starting point is 00:44:38 why did you feel nothing I my best friend my best friend got engaged last weekend I said all the right things but I felt nothing not happy not sad not jealous because it's some I can't work it out because there's even if you have this feeling of like oh life's going to change like she's in her next chapter I'm losing her as a friend that's a feeling to not feel anything I wonder if just these big life moments in general just don't do much for you and it's just like play on like maybe it's almost to the point that nothing is changing they're still together they get i don't know because to i mean you've done the right things but this might be like a therapy question it's not often i'm stumped but it's a it's a weird it's a weird feeling to just be like

Starting point is 00:45:22 a blank wall like what do you think i don't i feel as though i don't really don't want to offend any of my friends who do listen to the podcast who i have been very happy for when they get engaged i don't seem to be as overjoyed about the like you cried for me the fiasco of did you engagements and weddings did you fake mine no i did not that was lovely also great content but i think maybe that's what it is i think i think it's just that maybe you don't care about these kind of things like in the way that other people do i'm always happy for my friends but i'm never the one to like really go above and over the top and like squeal and scream like I'm happy for them but I'm not like oh my god this is the best thing to have ever happened

Starting point is 00:46:09 like you shouldn't really be that surprised yeah but also I I also question how much does marriage and weddings mean to you yes okay because like for me I also feel like I'm not a big it to me it's not a big deal and I know it is a big deal to people when they get engaged and married and whatnot so like I know how to show up accordingly we all can also act like I can I can show up accordingly. But marriage to me is not a big, big deal. And I say this because like, I never really expected that I would get married myself. I come from, you guys know, multiple divorces, like my parents have been divorced numerous times. And so I think that marriage doesn't hold like the gravity that it does for some people. And so kind of like, if you've been together for a long

Starting point is 00:46:52 time and you're in a committed relationship, like in my mind, I'm like, that's as good as married anyway. So when people are like, oh my God, we got engaged. I was like, well, that was bound to happen like that's wasn't I'm not surprised I'm not shocked like I'm thrilled for you but I'm not like whoa I never saw it coming ah call the press what I'm getting at is I don't think it makes you a bad friend it's probably an interesting one that you've sat with it and you've thought about okay why didn't I have as big a reaction as what I thought I would have at this but I don't think it instantly means that you're a bad person or a bad friend no you're a good friend because you still recognize that you gave the right reaction like she doesn't have to

Starting point is 00:47:26 ever know but I I would be surprised if you weren't actually happy in some capacity I think you just thought thinking maybe it should be bigger like I would be shocked if your best friend is telling you her biggest moment and you didn't feel some happiness but I think it's normal for that feeling to not linger and for you to not go away thinking about it like when my friends get engaged or have babies I am through the roof happy for them but then after it's like congratulations that's amazing I don't go and lose sleep about it I don't like spend all my time thinking about it. Like it, but that doesn't take away from the fact that you're so stoked for your friend. Can I say though, I think that this is a really good example of one of the instances

Starting point is 00:48:03 where you can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior and your behavior was excellent. Like you knew how to show up as a friend. You did all the right things. You didn't disappoint. You can't, sometimes in life, we can't control the way we feel about something. You can't manufacture a feeling if it is or isn't there. It's the same in relationships. Sometimes you might feel angry or sad or frustrated or whatever and you can't control the fact that you feel the way you feel and all feelings I say this about children all feelings are valid all behaviors are not it is okay to feel what you feel it is not okay to behave in certain ways and I think you you fucking a plus for behavior in this instance well done the other thing is the question you said

Starting point is 00:48:42 does this mean that I don't think he's right for her you would know if that's your feeling you would know he would have rubbed you the wrong way you would have always had that feeling you wouldn't be having it now just because you're not ecstatic at the news that they got engaged you would feel something you'd be like fuck i can't believe she's gonna spend the rest of her life with him like so you know what i mean maybe a negative feeling yeah yeah i just think it wouldn't be like neutral yeah i think you're doing fine just keep the faking up yeah you've got a whole great sweetie you've got bridal showers you've got hands you've got weddings like you've got to get through it girl you've got a year of this shit take up acting classes

Starting point is 00:49:13 oh guys well that is it from us if you have any questions to ask uncut slide it into the dms at Life Uncut Podcast. You can also watch all of our episodes on YouTube. I have noticed many podcasts are now doing

Starting point is 00:49:24 full-length YouTube episodes and I'd just like to say we've been doing it for a really long time. I know, so support us. Support the pioneers, goddammit. Yeah, the OGs.

Starting point is 00:49:34 Come on. Come and watch our YouTube channel. Subscribe if you feel so inclined and you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad,

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Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - The 30-Year-Old Dating Rut, Best Friend Betrayal & My Underwhelming Engagement Reaction

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