Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - The Challenges of Long Distance Relationships

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

Hey lifers, Welcome back to ask uncut where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. This episode was recorded a week in advance as Britt is visiting Ben in Romania. Britt opens up about some of the challenges of long distance and what she’s really struggling with at the moment.Britt has also called one of our listeners a loser. We deeply apologise YourGirlSidney Do you think it’s okay to be in a relationship if you know that the person isn’t ‘the one’ (or end game) for you? How long is it okay to be ‘working’ this out? Does it depend on the age of the people in the relationship? Vibes for the week: Britt: Your Girl Sidney  Keeshia: Medusa Wispy Light Human Hair Fringe - Air Bangs- Clip In Laura App Eat Club Then we get into your questions! HE WON’T GO DOWN ON ME & DOESN’T MAKE AN EFFORT TO PLEASURE MEI'm 21 and my male partner is 23. We have been together for 3 years. Since we have been together he has only gone down on me maybe 3 times in total for about 20 seconds. I have brought this up with him and asked why he doesn't do it and he replies with "I don't like it sorry" which is totally fine but when we do have sex I never get anything out of it as he never really tries to pleasure me. We have tried sex toys but I think he gets awkward about it and then it never happens again. I talk to my friends about it but all they say is tell me that my relationship is not right and tell me about how good they have it. Sometimes I wonder what I am missing out on. Every other part of our relationship is amazing because he is an amazing human who I love so much. Am I missing out ? And if so what the hell do I do? HE LIED ABOUT HAVING AN STII’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 7-8months. He asked me to help him with a work medical claim, he sent over a pack of documents for me to read to help him write a letter. Reading the documents it said he had herpes. When we first started dating I made sure we both had sexual health checks - he was pushing to have sex without a condom, something I’ve never done and didn’t feel comfortable doing without the STI checks prior. The tests came back with no issues flagged so we started having unprotected sex. 7 months later I read this document - he said initially that “he forgot,” then ended up telling me he lied to me because he thought I would break up with him if I knew. Additional context: his previous girlfriend gave him herpes and also didn’t tell him until 2 months into dating. I don’t know what to do - I thought this guy was my penguin, help! FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WITH A COLLEAGUEShould I enter a short term friends with benefits situation with a colleague that’s leaving at the end of the year even though I’m inexperienced and not sure how I’ll emotionally handle it? I think it could be a great idea for my overall satisfaction and self confidence, but I don't want to get rejected, or catch feelings and then get really sad when I’m rejected and/or he moves away. Is it worth the risk for good sex? You can watch us on Youtube Find us on Instagram Join us on tiktok Or join the Facebook Discussion Group Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Cammeraygal land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I am Brittany and I am located currently in Romania. How is Romania, Brittany? I'm not there yet. So for context, this was recorded just before we took off for our little one week getaway

break, but we hate leaving you hanging. So we did want to pre-record some things for you. We did. And also I did try and convince Britt that she should take her recording equipment to Romania. To which I said. She told me to go fuck myself, which is absolutely fair. And I did.

it's like I'm gonna finish this sentence right here no is a full sentence we will do a prereq but to be fair I know obviously guys we talk about we talk about relationships a lot on this podcast but something that I hadn't been aware of until you spoke about it on Tuesday but you were talking about how you have been at a point at this like this break of long distance where it's been particularly hard well most of you know that you've been here for a while you know that Ben, my fiance, Ben, has lived over in the UK for a long time. If you are new here, I am in a long-distance relationship. My partner does.

Yeah, welcome. Subscribe, follow, hit all the buttons. We do get a lot of new listeners, though, and I think sometimes we also forget that they're popping in and we expect everybody to know where we're at. But long-distance has been great. Like you guys know that if I had the option, I wouldn't be doing long-distance.

It's not like I only want a long-distance relationship, but I am somebody that can make the most of it and I understand why, I can see the benefits, and I can try and aim for the future. But occasionally, and now is one of those times, it's hard to aim for the future when you're like really in the depths of shittiness in the long distance relationships. And what I mean by that is this six months, so this back end of the year from when we got engaged a couple of months ago in June until Christmas this year, I am spending five

nights with Ben in six months. That is it. Five nights. And I'm like beside myself every time I think about it because I'm really struggling with it. So when I was going there, I was like, I just want to be with him for five nights and I'm going to be exhausted and jet lagged. And I'm so, I'm really having a hard time with long distance. Long distance, I think is great.

I think you can do it. I think everyone can do it. I'm an advocate for it if it has to happen. But this is like extreme long distance. Like we've never gone six months with only five nights. then on top of that ben stays up till 1 30 in the morning just to say good morning to me when i wake up because the time difference is so bad so we're not even conversing do you notice like you're not even having those we speak like once a day if we can and even then one of us is exhausted and one

of us is woken up so yeah yeah so i think also you would have gotten used to your previous schedule you know like you kind of got into the swing of things when you knew what the time zones were where he was living before and you got used to that and now the parameters have changed as well. I can only imagine that there's only so many times you can say miss you until it sounds very like, yeah, yeah, same, miss you too, you know. And it's like I said to you girls, I use the term, you know, I said it's not working and when I say it's not working,

I don't mean the relationship. Of course we're going to get through that but the long distance isn't working. That doesn't mean the relationship's over. It just means sometimes long distance works well like a well-oiled machine and sometimes it fucking doesn't right now it doesn't and what happens when you spend so much time apart and anyone listening now will know exactly what I'm talking about you go from really lovey-dovey emotional and in love to quite angry and frustrated at each other

for no reason because you're like what's the fucking point of like it's like I'll just talk to you tomorrow there's no point you're tired I'm gonna go to bed I gotta do this it's like you get angry over nothing and I have noticed that over the last two years right at the end when we're at The long part, like just before we see each other, we realize we're at. You need to see each other. We're at like the end of our tethers a bit with, okay, this needs to happen because we're just frustrated. And you're not frustrated at anything.

No one's doing anything. And Ben is such an amazing partner. He always talks me off the ledge. Every time I work myself up and get really upset, which is a lot lately, way more than I would care to admit or I want. It's really tough. And I know on Instagram and stuff, it looks like we spend a lot of time together. I mean, someone, we laughed about it a little while ago.

Someone laughed and said, is this bitch always on holiday? Because I do. And I was like, fuck you. I was like, if only you knew. If I can be, yes. Yeah. But I was like, and I'm aware it sometimes looks like that because I'll always post photos from four months ago on a holiday.

Like I look at him and I miss him and I'm like, I'm just going to put this up, whatever. But yeah, so this is being recorded. Like I fly in a couple of hours. So we left it right up until the last minute, but it's because time is a very precious commodity this week. And I didn't think you wanted me to record TuneIn while I was fornicating. That's not what I wanted to hear. I wanted you to be, yes, I wanted you to be mid-coitus.

That's exclusive subscriber content for our news. Talk about giving away prizes if you subscribe. Do you know how many times we have these conversations and I glance over to our video editor, Jono, and he doesn't even look up, but his face is always like, I'm just going to tune out. I'm pretty coitus. We don't have Patreon yet, but maybe that will be the first subscriber episode. Join. Click now.

Swipe up, swipe up. Can you pay me to not have to edit that? No, it's uncut. It's raw. It's not edited. So, yeah, it's been really tough, but I'm very excited. Like you listening to this, guys, hopefully I'm there and I'm posting and I'm having a great time, but I'm very ready to see him.

Like I feel like we've pushed it to the extreme from, you know, seeing each other and I'm so beyond ready, the fact that every time I think of him, I cry, which is ridiculous. But let me tell you something funny I did. This is actually, this will make you laugh. And I was so embarrassed. I was so mortified. I got a DM from a listener. She is this amazing musician, very talented. Like I follow her because she's so brilliant. She messaged me and she's like, hey Brit, like I just wanted to say congrats on your engagement. Like it was the loveliest message. I have been a lifer listener

for years like I've listened to all the episodes if you ever want to talk music or anything for your wedding you know I'm I'm around like it was who is this her name is Sydney so what she does is takes two songs that you might love and she mashes them together but makes them acoustic and suitable for a wedding like you have to go we can put a you've shown me her account she does like melody so she'll get brilliant and the thing about pop songs is that they're often written in the same time signature and you're able to transpose them into the same chords you can kind of put one on top of the other quite easily and quite seamlessly she does it to a level that is so talented you're just like oh my gosh this is every song in the pop charts and you've made it

into the one song and she'll just sing a bridge from one and a chorus from another and yeah like a mash-up yeah yeah but but not just a mash-up any song she doesn't even have to mash them right any song that you might love but it could be a pop song but you love the lyrics she just makes at her own and sings this soft, beautiful, acoustic version that is suitable because not every song you're going to rock down the aisle to, right? But she makes it like really. Anyway, this is not the point.

There's Brit walking down the aisle to My Pussy and My Crack. Remix with Lil Jon. My pussy and my crack. Yeah, but that's what she does. Anyway, that was irrelevant. Can we request that she makes a melody of My Pussy and My Crack and we can sing it on the podcast? Please, Sydney, if you're listening, please sing My Pussy

and My Crack for us. My point of this is she wrote me this beautiful message and I am just always such a hurricane. So I wrote back to her really quickly because I was busy and then put my phone down. What I responded to her, so she'd written this beautiful message and she said she's a long-time listener and I wrote back, oh, you're a loser, exclamation mark.

That's what I wrote. I wrote you're a loser. Because you meant to send it to someone else. No, because it was supposed to say, oh, you're a lifer. It auto-corrected. I was supposed to say you're a lifer, which is why it had exclamation marks. Oh, you're a lifer. I went, oh, you're a loser.

Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark. Anyway, then I. Sydney, we're so sorry for Brittany. You could bury me. You know what she wrote back? Tell me what you really think. But before she wrote that, I was in huge capital letters.

I was beside myself. I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Lifer, I meant you're a lifer, lifer, lifer. Like, I love you. You are not a loser. She goes, tell me what you really think. I nearly died. That is so funny.

Imagine. Imagine if you hadn't noticed. That's even worse. That's it. You're a loser. She's got a review coming through. Brittany's a bitch. She called me a loser.

I just could not believe it. I was like, man, like you've got to focus more. You can't be going around throwing loser around. No, I feel like I also shoot from the hip with messages quite a bit. You do. You're like. She was wonderful and I think she still will be composing some music for me. My pussy and my crack.

I can't wait to hear it. We'll put a link to her in our show notes if you want to check her out and also apologise for Brittany's autocorrect. I haven't even booked her in or anything, but what I will say is she does do weddings where she will rock up and personally sing. Like she will be your entertainment or if it's like a destination wedding or she can't make it, she pay for her to do the song that you want. Also, she almost curates it.

I'm just so excited by this. Is she coming to Bali? Is that what I'm getting at? No, she's not sponsored by Sydney. It's not. No, I just think she's – I just looked at her. She could be my vibe this week, but I just looked at her page and I'm like, you're so talented and I just love her work.

I haven't booked it. I'm not doing anything yet. Brittany, you're really doing a good job of digging up from the loser comment. You're like, and she's my vibe. She's the best. She's a winner. I love her. And we're best friends.

You are a winner. You're a winner in my eyes, Sydney. Okay, fuck, let's move on. Okay, I have a question for you guys before we get into Ask Uncuts, and I think it kind of pertains to an Ask Uncut in some ways. Do you think, and it's a tricky one to explain this question without like throwing the person completely under the bus. Do you think it is okay or there is a limit slash timeframe to how long you can be in a relationship without knowing for sure that that person is the one? And I say this

because it came off the back of a conversation I had with a friend recently. They've been in relationship for almost eight years. And they said, I'm not really sure if they're the one talking about their partner, talking about whether or not they would want to get engaged to and do all the big life things that their partner also wants in life. It's not like they're both just cruising. Their partner is hoping that one day they will have the, you know, the white picket fence and the house and the potentially family with this person. What are your views on not being sure when you're in a long-term relationship whether the person that you're with is the one and if you feel like that how long is it okay to feel like that before you take action

is the person that is unsure a male or female a male okay checks out women usually know what they want for me I think if you are eight years deep and you're at this age group like there's a difference between eight years from 18 like coming out of school or a difference between 18 and you're in your mid to late twenties to thirties and onwards. If you don't know what you want with that person after eight years, chances are they're probably not right. And I think you're wasting somebody's time. I don't think that's fair. Do they know that you are unsure? Cause that's the other question too. It's like, have you had that conversation with them where you're like, look, I don't, I don't know what I want. Or are you internalizing that? And

this poor person does think that you are, you know, she's waiting for the engagement and she's waiting for the baby. Cause they're, they're two very different things. I mean, I, yeah, Absolutely. I do think they are two different things, but I don't necessarily think it's the wrong relationship. I think that there are people out there. It's the person it's doesn't matter what relationship they're in. They're always going to have this casual laissez-faire kind of attitude towards it because they themselves don't know whether they, as a guy, they've got like a bit of Peter Pan syndrome. They don't know whether they want to have kids. They don't know whether they want to get married. They don't really know whether they want to have these big

things, but they're quite happy to be in a committed monogamous relationship, which would indicate that they are after those things that would, you know, allude to that the time is coming, but maybe it's not. Yeah. I think that's okay. If you can't be sure about if you want kids or not, or you want to get married or not, but you are so sure about that person and they know that, I think that's different. You know, we spoke about me being in that pendulum of kids and not kids. There are plenty of people that are unsure about their big life decisions, but the constant there is your partner. Like you need to know if that partner is right for you. If your partner, female partner really wants kids and she doesn't know how undecisive you are that's a conversation

you need to have because it could be a deal breaker for her you don't want to take that away from her that moment and that's a huge it's not a moment it's like the rest of your entire life I have so many complex feelings about this to be honest because on one hand I and maybe it comes from my own personal experience a little bit because when I was in my early 20s my six year relationship. I will never forget when he one day was like, I just don't know whether you're the person I want to marry or not. And I was like, sorry, what? We've been together for six fucking years. You still don't know. You're not sure. And it was really, really hurtful. I thought it was so mean. And now that I'm older, I do have an appreciation because by him giving me that

information, he was also giving me the opportunity to make a decision for myself. I was just too young too naive too blindly in love to realize well that but it was the truth and the truth doesn't always make you feel good and so it did give me the information that I should have done something with although I stuck my head in the sand I think this a lot of it comes down to the communication of the desires you know like and I think far too often we hear of this scenario where person a doesn't communicate the fact that they're not sure about you know because it works in their favor and it's almost quite manipulative because they're getting everything they want out of the situation and I think it adds a particular layer of cruelty when you add in a potential biological

clock like you said I think if the person's communicated it and they're like hey I don't know if this is what I want I don't know if this is you know the future of us and that other person person b chooses to stay in the relationship well that's kind of a bit like a you're aware of the scenario, you're aware of the factors and you're choosing to opt into it. But I think far too often the person who feels that way, the person who feels unsure isn't communicating that and is leading the other person down the garden path. And that's why you hear so many stories of people just being like, I am so blindsided by this decision because the other person's been thinking about it for months, if not years, and you've had absolutely no idea that this is going on in their

head. And now you're like, what the fuck? I had this trajectory of where I thought my life was going to go. Now, all of a sudden it's completely different and I'm in a different phase of life. I agree with you. I think that is a particularly cruel scenario. And it's so funny because over the years, and like I said, I would have prior, if we'd gotten that ask uncut, say five years ago, where someone was like, Hey, I've been in a relationship for seven years. And my partner has told me that they don't think I'm necessarily the person that they want to spend the rest of their life with I would have had the response of like well fuck your partner like how dare they kind of get to that point and only just tell you now I do think seven years is a long time if you've

been thinking that that whole time you should have had the conversation sooner but in the same instance there is something about the honesty that I do appreciate now and I go okay well at least they're giving you the opportunity to make a decision for yourself it's exactly the scenario that you've described Keish where that person is unaware and then one day might get broken up with and had no idea that they were never ever end game in the first place and it's like it's the stopping and the prohibiting of that person to be able to seek out a relationship with someone who wants the same things as them that I think is particularly manipulative yeah I think it changes if uh how long you've had these uncertain thoughts for so if I mean everyone goes through these ups

and downs in a relationship right if it's just hit you after eight years and you're like oh do I think this is the right person. That's okay. And I don't think you need to go and discuss that immediately. I think you need to get your own collective thoughts together. But if you're eight years deep and you have always thought, I don't know if they're the one, and I don't know if this is the right relationship, then it is cruel to not have that conversation. Time is such an important commodity that you cannot get back, especially for women with that fertility window. So what is the timeframe? Let's say one of our friends came to us, we were catching up with them today and they came and they said you know I'm just not sure I'm not sure the person I'm with

is the one or like you know end game long term etc what do we say to that person do we say how long have you been feeling this way and if that's the question what is the time period that you think is reasonable to go or you need to leave or is this just a lull in your relationship and things will come back and you'll realign again I think it is so so hard to give a time frame because everyone says you know every single person's scenario and situation is slightly different it depends on how much your partner wants xyz so if the person that you're in a relationship with you is communicating that they want to get married they want to have kids they have a mental timeline and your mental timeline is absolutely not adding up to theirs then i think

you're on different pages and like there needs to be a conversation that is very honest around but where you're both at sometimes it takes months to even get the courage to break up with someone It took me a year to break up with one of my exes because I'd felt like it for so long, but I couldn't do the breaking up because it was so scary because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I think, I mean, how long is a piece of string, right? So for me, there's not an answer. But my response to a friend that came to me like that was, well, you need to work that

out. So however you are going to work it out, you need to get there. So you can go spend some time thinking about what you really want and if that person fits in. It also gets easier, I believe, the older you get because you don't have the time and you've got more experience you know what you want you're usually a bit more certain so and I say that's interesting though because if like we're talking about the fact that this is quite related to the age that we're at right yes well I say that in relation because Laura said this person

in particular was the male females generally speaking know more what they want and they're aware that there is a time crunch so I think females are more likely to say okay you don't think that I am it and you don't think you want kids and I really want kids then you know I've had friends that have literally and I don't necessarily think this is the right thing but I've had friends that have put a time frame on it and said you've got three months or I'm out because I need to get on with my life so so get your shit together and work it out is it me is it marriage is it kids or is it not because I don't want to waste the next four years of you figuring it out then you decide it's not me and then I'm I've missed my window that's an interesting

take for me though Brit because I don't think it's age dependent I think maybe for some people maybe some people have more clarity they learn the lessons a lot of us don't learn the lessons and I think there's a lot of people who are in their 50s and 60s who still make terrible relationship decisions who stay in relationships way longer because they hope that the person will change or they you know think well if I stick it out if I try this or try that maybe the relationship will be different I don't think that age is always a predeterminer for good decision making or good boundary setting in a relationship I just actually imagined if this was my mum to completely like change the dynamic if my mum called me today and was like oh my

partner's you know they've been together for years he's turned around and said that he doesn't think we're going to be together forever I think my response would be kind of different I think I'd be like okay seems a bit strange how do you feel about it like are you happy with where your life is at now do you want to continue living together or do you want to break like I think my answer would be different because they don't have the pressures of getting married and having kids by a certain time. Exactly. I think we've just landed maybe on the answer. And I think the ethical conundrum is actually whether you are robbing the other person of experiences that they want. Yeah. Yeah. I think that is the factor. Yeah. You know, like this person who has been

in a relationship for eight years. My next question is now, is he robbing his partner of the experiences that she wants by the sounds of it, yes, could be the answer, well, then he needs to do something about it. I think it's potentially cruel what he's doing to her. Well, let's get into vibes and unsubscribes. We've already had Brits of the Week. And hopefully. I had another one, but I'll save it.

Well, I should tell you what her full Instagram is then now that I'm going down the vibe train. We will also link in show notes. So her Instagram is yourgirlsydney. Spelt like the city? No, S-I-D-N-E-Y. And she's a musician, singer, songwriter. She's amazing.

So go and have a look at her Insta and you'll understand more about what I mean. Okay, what's your vibe, Keish? My vibe is something that I already know that you're a big fan of, Laura. That is my clip in fringe. Have we not vibed this? This is your toupee. It's not a toupee. Okay, you might have seen on Laura's stories if you follow her a couple of weeks ago.

Laura and I had a hilarious car trip home. A fringe is something that I'm really toying with and I'm like, let's just cut it. That's what the old me would have done. But the medicated me was like, let's test the waters first. With a toupee. I went into the depths of the internet because I had previously ordered clip-in bangs too much.

Too, too many bang. Too much hair. Too much bang for your buck, one might say. Yeah. It was bang town. Anyway, I eventually found exactly what I was after. It is called the Medusa Wispy Light Human Hair Fringe. Stop it.

It's the Medusa. Oh, my God. Is that the Medusa? No, Medusa's the brand. So it turns out that they're from Byron Bay. This particular one I really like because it's light. I love the flexibility of choosing when I'm fringing and when I'm not because fringes are a lot of maintenance.

Don't you feel like a fraud, though? I love it. Like it's a fringe fraud. I have extensions. I feel like I get to like play up to who I want to be that day. Extensions feel less fraudy because they're permanently there. But when you're like, I have a fringe. No, I don't.

I have a fringe. No, I don't. It's like such a tease. Even people like lifers are writing it and they're like, what the fuck? Keisha's got a fringe and now it's gone again. One of my best friends messaged me when she saw a video that we posted online. I must have been wearing my fringe that day. She saw me the day before.

She's like, did you get a haircut since I saw you last night? I'm so confused at what's going on. And I was like, no, babe, it's a clip-in. What happens if you pick up a dude and you're like, hold on, let me take my fringe out? Well, she lives with her partner, so I don't think she's picking up a dude. There's people who listen to us who are going to be single. Like imagine, imagine taking out your chicken fillets,

taking your fringe off. I have had hair extensions that I've had to hide when I've been having like a hookup. They've fallen out in the bed and I'm like, ew, so I just put them under the bed. Like I am about your clip-in fringe. I think if you committed to a fringe, you'd regret it, not because of the way it looked, because of the maintenance

and how limited you are. But a clip-in, you can be whoever you want to be that day. I love it. So I am colour number 613, however I will say, I toned and dyed this fringe to make it actually match my hair. So initially, and I had to trim it a little bit, so there is a little bit of you've got to make it work for you involved, whether that means you take it to a hairdresser

or if you're okay to do it yourself. It's $35. bucks. It's a really good price to pay for ensuring that you don't make a decision that you can't take back. My vibe this week is for the money conscious galley or galley. Everyone. Yeah, it's for everyone. It is called Eat Club. It is an app. Download it. I think it's particularly good in metro areas, but basically it's an aggregator of many different restaurants and it shows you all the different deals that they have going. And so some of them have limited number of deals. It could be a restaurant that you might like, we'll be like, okay, we've got five discount vouchers

for 30% off if you're going to get takeaway before this time. So if you are someone who likes to eat out or you like to explore new restaurants, but you are money conscious, I think that this is such a good app because yeah, it's great for people who enjoy a discount. I use this app all the time. I love that you're vibing this because I've been sleeping on it. I've been hiding it. So I get the five deals that they've got available. Keisha's like, stop telling people because then there'll be less deals available. It's so good. They can get up to like 45% off.

It actually gets to the point where sometimes I will check the app and talk with my boyfriend about whether it's better to just order takeaway than it would be to go down to the grocery store and get food. Links for all of our vibes will be in the show notes and on our website. If you've forgotten, lifeuncutpodcast.com.au. Does it have a .au? It does. Anyway, let's get into the questions.

okay question number one i'm 21 and my male partner is 23 we have been together for three years now since we have been together he has only gone down on me probably three times for a total of 20 seconds total collectively so just under seven seconds per down that's not it can't be a total of 20 seconds that's like not even a kiss up he comes no let me read it verbatim it's like in total for 20 seconds he just did that's like yeah he licked it like an ice cream came back up it's literally just shy of seven seconds a session imagine someone only going down on you for seven seconds then pop me back up she doesn't need to imagine it it's her life that sucks i have brought this up with him a few times and asked why he doesn't do it he just replies with i don't like

it sorry which is totally fine but when we do have sex i never get anything out of it as he never even tries to pleasure me. We have tried sex toys, but I think he gets awkward about it and then it never happens again. I talked to my friends about it, but they all say the same thing. The relationship is not right for me. And then they proceed to tell me how good they have it. Oh, that's super helpful. So dirty. Your friends are dirty. Sometimes I wonder what I'm missing out on. Every other part of our relationship is amazing because he is an amazing human who I miss so much. My question is, am I actually missing out and what the hell do I do about this? This seven second wonder. Yes, you are missing out. Yeah, the answer is yes. But it is not

everything. If your partner is amazing in every other way and in every other aspect, then I don't think it is a fair assumption to say that he is not the right partner for you. I think that that is incredibly harsh. It's lazy advice from your friends. Yeah, it really is. But I also think it's lazy from him. I think he's getting what he needs out of his sexual relationships and his, you know, you guys, but you're not satisfied. And, and I do think that in time that will build a resentment there that needs to be addressed. It's okay that he doesn't like going down on you. I mean, it's annoying and very much so we preach the whole, you know, you don't do anything that you don't want to do, but if that extends to, he doesn't want to pleasure you. So it's very easy

for him to say, oh, I'm just not into going down on you. Is he into doing any other of the things that might get you off? You waving that finger around, Laura, when you're talking. Is he into fingering you? Like a shotgun? I can't look at it. I'm like, stop talking about fingering and doing the fingers science. Is he into fingering you? Said with two fingers waving around in the air. But I mean it. It's okay for him to get off with one part of pleasuring in sex that he doesn't enjoy. That's okay. I'm not going to hold that against him. It's annoying because if that's how you get off and if that's what you enjoy, then it is unfortunate, but I'm not going to say, oh my God, it's, you know, it's a travesty that he doesn't want to go down on you, like fucking

riot and burn him at the stake. What I am going to say though, is that if he is not making any other conscious effort, then I actually don't think it's the going down on that he doesn't like. I think he's just a bit fucking lazy in the bedroom. And that is a bigger conversation that needs to be had. And I also think, unfortunately, it is a tricky conversation to have because he may get defensive. He may feel as though he's a failure, whatever it is. But I think that there is a way that you can approach this conversation that is sensitive to him without being accusatory, which explains that you want more. And hopefully it's received well by him. Yeah, you don't need to dump his ass. Absolutely not. But there is a big problem here.

This is a big problem if you are not being satisfied in any capacity in your sex life. It's just lazy. Well, it might not be lazy. She said he's awkward. He might be a very awkward person. He might have no confidence. He might not know what to do. You guys are in your very early 20s.

You've been together three years. So he, I'm making an assumption, might not have had a lot of experience before that. So these are conversations that you need to have together because, I mean, I'm just thinking back about since I was 18 to now, you learn so much by being with different people. And I'm not saying you have to be, but you could be with one person since you were 18 and have an amazing sex life, but that's because you're communicating, you know what works. But you also learn a lot from being with different people. And now I'm not saying that you need to go be with other people, but what I am saying is he might not have had the exposure and the experience, and maybe you

haven't quite communicated enough. But there should be no part of your relationship where you are having sex or having intimacy and he leaves satisfied and you leave with nothing. Like in no world should that be okay. He doesn't have to go down on you. If he doesn't like it, that's okay. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Yeah, but also like why? Like what is the... Well, he doesn't need a reason. I don't think that. If you do not like doing something sexually, you don't have to do it but you need to compensate in other ways like he needs to be understanding that you are not orgasming and getting off and enjoying sex maybe if he knew that he'd probably

be mortified if he knew that you were you're not coming I can't imagine a world in where any guy is okay with that with their long-term partner like he's probably going to be shocked but there are so many other things that you can do that will work for you or that you can try and unfortunately if he's an awkward person he's still going to have to try some things like you've been together three years so you need to be figuring out what works you cannot continue this relationship by having completely unsatisfactory sex but also like you're saying you've tried sex toys but he got awkward about it and then never like he needs to get over the awkwardness yeah and the only way that he's going to get over the awkwardness is by trying things you know it is difficult because

when you have a conversation about something that feels vulnerable which sex often is a vulnerable conversation to have. You only build confidence to have more of those conversations based on your partner's reaction. If your partner's reaction is defensiveness, is that they're uncomfortable, it makes it harder to broach the conversation again, right? Like it's not an easy thing to do if you're not, the reception from that conversation is not one that's positive or enthusiastic. And obviously when it comes to having sex and having someone pleasure you and all the things that go with that. You want them to be enthusiastic about it. You don't want to have to be like, so just letting you know, this is where I'm at. And you know, you saying that

you don't want to do this, or you don't want to do that, or you're not putting in enough effort. It doesn't really set the flames for igniting like a deep passion or desire in your partner. The hard thing is too, is dependent on what type of conversations you've had in the past. does he know you don't ever get off or do you fake it to get it over with does he think that sometimes things work for you and sometimes it doesn't because if you've never had that combo it's really delicate to have it now and say hey just so you know it's it's actually never worked for me like that is a big thing to drop so you have to be really careful about how you bring that up it's funny because I say ask why and you say it doesn't matter why I actually think it's

the conversation. If someone says, I don't like something in the bedroom, I do think it's okay to say, Oh, why don't you like that? Like, what is it about it that you don't like? Because he might be like, I don't know. I don't like it when you've had your gym shorts on all day and you've just been to the gym and then we're about to have sex and you want me to go down on you. Fucking fair. But you can then say, okay, I'm going to go and have a shower. And then would you try? Like, I actually think the why is really, really important. And I think it's fair to ask that question I agree but it's been three years she's not in a gym shorts all day if he has said in three years he's gone down over 20 seconds it's not his vibe it's just not the guy's vibe I agree

but I do still think there could be a conversation around why and it may be more telling than what you are assuming I also know someone who used to say that they hated giving head right a girlfriend of mine she hated blowjobs we were in our early 20s she always said she hated giving blowjobs then she got into a new relationship with someone and was like oh my god it's actually not that bad they shower no it wasn't that it was that her ex-boyfriend was really fucking rough with it and like he used to ram his penis down her throat and of course she didn't like it and then that was the only way that he would get to climax and without knowing that that's how he was approaching oral sex it was like oh that makes sense and then she had a new sexual experience with someone who

it wasn't that much effort. They really enjoyed it and they didn't treat oral sex like it was a porno. So there is absolutely reasons why people don't like things and it can often be based on their past experiences with it. Totally. But what I'm trying to get across is that at the end of the day, if he says he doesn't like and you say why, the answer very well could be, I just don't like it. And that's also okay. My point is there doesn't have to be a specific reason. There's plenty of sex things that people don't like yeah so what I'm just trying to say is at the end of the day when it comes to things around sex of course it's important to understand it the end of the day when it comes to sex if someone doesn't like something you can't make them do it sex 100%

can should and will be worked on your entire relationship because it's not always going to be the same from start to finish it's going to change when you have kids it's going to change when you've been together for 20 years it's always something that you have to work towards and communicate on. And you are in your early 20s, in your early days of a relationship. So the communication has to start now because that conversation in 10 years of I've never come since I've met you is going to be a lot harder to have when you're a decade deep. All right. Next question. I've been dating my boyfriend for about seven to eight months. He asked me to help him with some work medical claims. He sent over a pack of documents for me

to read to help him write a letter. Now reading the documents, it said that he has herpes. Now what I'm getting from this is that obviously he'd had some medical tests done that he needed to like obviously have like a health check. Didn't see all the results. And he didn't realize that this was in the bylines. For context when we first started dating I made sure that we both had had sexual health checks. He was pushing to have sex without a condom at the time something that I had never done before and didn't feel comfortable doing without an STI check prior. The test came back with no issues flagged so we started having unprotected sex. Seven months later I read this document. He says initially to me that, oh, he just forgot to tell me. Then ended up telling me

that he intentionally lied to me because he thought I would break up with him if I knew. Additional context to this is that his previous ex-girlfriend gave him the herpes and also didn't tell him until two months into their dating. I don't know what to do. I thought that this guy was my penguin. Help. It's a pretty big betrayal. It's a really complex one, this, because is it? he lied to a face for seven it's a big thing like an sti can really damage especially if you don't know it can damage a woman that is a conscious choice to lie to your partner about something that could seriously affect her long term for me complex what because he can't deal with the fact that he has an sti complex for him yeah it's complex purely because they're at a point where

she i'm assuming loves him and she's been with him long term so it makes it harder but that's a pretty big betrayal and I would be wondering if I would want to spend my life with somebody that could make a decision that as a result affects me long term. I say that it's complex because firstly if you are someone who has been recently diagnosed with herpes please go and listen to the episode we did it was quite a while ago now but we had a really amazing episode speaking all around STIs. We'll link it in the show notes. We'll link it in the show notes all around de-stigmatizing STIs. Also someone who we had on the podcast, Ellie from Comfortable In My Skin has really amazing resources around de-stigmatizing herpes and other STIs. I think that there is a lot of

scaremongering around things like herpes. There's a lot of scaremongering around genital warts and everything else. There is this incredible fear around getting it. Like it's going to be the worst thing that happens in the world. And so I understand why he was fearful to tell you. I do empathize with that to some degree. I do not empathize with him trying to con you into having unprotected sex with him when he knew that this was something that he deals with without the honesty. That to me is where the deceit comes in. That to me is where I'm like, he went another layer beyond. Also, when you say he got tested and your STI checks all came back fine. My question here is, is did he show you those checks? Did he actually show you the documentation or did he tell

you that it came back fine because that could be another layer of lying and deception. I also know that when it comes to herpes, if you don't have any active outbreaks, I think it can be a tricky one as to how it shows up on medical reporting because so many people carry the herpes simplex virus, but he's told you that he intentionally lied to you because he thought that you were going to break up with him. Even though now you're seven months deep in this relationship and even though you love him and just because he has herpes doesn't mean that you're ever going to catch it. You can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone and never, ever, ever get that or never, ever catch it from them. But the thing for me that I would struggle with and

what I think you're struggling with is the fact that it's changed your perception as to who he is a bit simply because of the lying, not because of the herpes. And he didn't give you the opportunity to make an informed choice or decision for your own body. He made that decision for you and lied to you. It gives me the ick. I'm so off it. I think it's disgusting. I think it's disgusting behavior, especially the fact that he said, yeah, I actually knew and made the decision consciously to not tell you because I was too worried about what would happen to me, which is you breaking up with me. It sucks that you have it. And again, we have done the episodes on it and I can't imagine the feelings of what that's like to have those conversations. I

understand that. Unfortunately, a responsibility does come with that when you have it. And that is to make people aware. The fact that the whole reason that he got herpes in the first place was because somebody misled him. His ex didn't tell him. That's why he's got it. And now he knows what that's like, yet he's still putting that onto you. I've just had a look at the laws and they're different based on state. So this one is New South Wales because that's where I'm Googling from. Since 2017, people are no longer required to disclose their infection to prospective partners. However, people who are aware that they have an STI must take reasonable precautions to prevent spread of the STI and a penalty of up to $11,000 and or six months jail applies if

reasonable precautions are not used. So I think in this, there's two ways, because I do think it is unreasonable for somebody who has herpes simplex virus that is completely under control to have that conversation with every single one night stand that they're ever going to have. I don't think and that's why that law has been changed yeah wear a condom it's yes it's absolutely unreasonable to think that every single intimate partner that that guy ever comes in contact with he's going to say hey i know we just met but also you know three years ago i had an outbreak my ex girlfriend and then i you know i haven't had an outbreak since like that's just that's not going to happen but if you are going to get into a long-term relationship with someone and you are

trying to get them to have unprotected sex and a caveat of that is that you go and have an sti check, that's where I draw issue with it. And I probably feel less fearful around this than a lot of people do. And I'll say, I mean, I'll tell you the story of my ex, a guy that I was seeing for quite a long time. He had herpes. I have never caught it. So he was on an antiviral. He was super honest with me. I met him when we were traveling and I absolutely adored him. He is a great, great guy. And he was so honest. He was like, look, I know that this is something that might make you not want to date me. He's like, but I really like you. And I really want this to be something, even if it is just that we end up being great friends. This is me. I've never had

an outbreak since I'm on antivirals. I think it is well managed. He's like, but it's always going to be a risk. Anyway, I took the risk. We dated for maybe three months. Never, ever, ever did I have an issue with it. So I know it is possible to have a sexual relationship with someone who is managing a herpes virus of course it is every like loads of people do it that it's not about that and the key thing that you said laura was he was honest exactly and if he had not told me that and then at the end of our relationship like you know three months in had turned around and been like ha ha i fucking manipulated into being with me having a emotional relationship a connection with me and now i'm telling you this information i would feel really differently about him but i

hold so much respect for him and how he managed that and it didn't change my feelings for him at I think it's interesting when you, like, we've been addressing this as an ethical question, but the person who's written this in, like, you also need to know, depending on what state you're in, it's possible that your partner has actually broken the law because he may not have taken reasonable precautions. And I just, I'm only saying that to validate the fact that this is like, this is a big betrayal to the point that it's actually written into law. So don't feel as though you're like, oh my gosh, am I making a big deal about this situation? No, like it is a big deal. But it's also possible, and I'm just throwing this out there, it's also possible he's cheated on you too. And that this is him saying, oh, no, no, no, I did have it before. Then I just didn't tell you. We don't know. But the core of this question is the misleading, deliberate

misleading. And I would hate for anyone to listen to this and think that we have any problem with herpes. We do not. And like we said, we have done so many episodes on it. You can have wonderful relationships with STIs. They're so well managed. My upset over this is purely around the deception. that is it, the intentional deception. Yeah. And I think that that is, if anything, the very important take home because there is enough hysteria that exists around STIs. There is enough fear mongering and so much shame. It's unbelievable the amount of shame that people feel when they do catch an STI. And it's like, you've not done anything wrong except just got a bit unlucky. No one feels shame when they catch the flu. No one feels shame when they catch

anything else so why is it that you feel so shameful for this it doesn't mean you're dirty it doesn't mean that you're promiscuous it doesn't mean anything and so I guess for me I don't want to catastrophize the situation and feed into the narrative that it's something that he should have felt super shameful of but I do think that he should feel something about the fact that he was trying to manipulate you into having sex without protection when you very clearly communicated that that's something that's important to you. That's the determining factor here for me. And ultimately, I'm not saying that you should break up with him. I'm not saying, you know, you've been together for eight months now. I'm sure there's other great qualities about this person, but if it does change

the way you feel about him in some way, if it gives you the ick because of his lying, if it makes you feel as though he's not truthful, then that's a whole different thing. You can't help the way that you feel about that. All right, next question. Should I enter a short-term friends with benefits situation with a colleague that's leaving at the end of the year, even though I'm inexperienced and not sure how I'm going to emotionally handle it. I think it could be a great idea for my overall satisfaction and self-confidence, but I don't want to get rejected or catch feelings and then get really sad when I am rejected and he moves away. Is it worth the risk for good sex? Firstly, you have no fucking idea whether the sex is going to be good unless

you've had sex with him already. Could be terrible. Could be a terrible. It could be terrible. Could be amazing. It could be the best sex you've ever had. You could be more satisfied than you are when you have a McFlurry with everything in caramel sauce. It could blow your mind. But two things here. One, probably shouldn't shit where you eat. I'll eat where you shit, whichever way you want to do that. Don't eat shit. Yeah. I know that he's leaving and that's great, but you still have six or seven months that you're going to be working together every single day. It's probably more likely not going to work out than it would work out knowing that. So you've got to think about that. You are going to go see each other every day. You're going to be in the same environment.

And the other thing is more times than not, and I hate saying this because it's not a blanket statement, but more times than not, women, it's also a chemical thing. It's science. We do catch feelings. Like we do have an endorphin release and we do start to feel safe and connected when we're intimate with someone. On top of this, you're seeing him not only intimately, but you'd be seeing him at work in the day as well. So a lot of your day is going to be spent thinking about this person, seeing them and connecting with them. It's highly likely you're going to catch feelings and you've been the first person to say, I don't know if I'll catch them. Probably going to catch them. Then you're going to be either heartbroken and disappointed

when he leaves, or it's going to end worse earlier than that. I agree with you. The only thing is, is obviously this question has been written in because there's already something going on. You don't just go, should I have friends with benefits relationship with this person that's never shown me any interest? Like you obviously- No, I don't reckon they're hooking up yet, But I think that they're flirting and she knows she could. There's definitely something going on here. I guess my big thing with any friends, if you know absolutely

that he is not going to return that feeling and you know there's an end date to this, it has an expiration date, you've got to get really honest with yourself because if you know that you're not sure how you're going to emotionally handle it, I'm not saying don't do it. Like it could be really fucking fun and like especially if you're in your 20s, these are the years to do some shit that really stretches your emotional capacity. But I would say really put boundaries on what

you are and aren't okay with around for yourself. You know, I don't mean sit down with him and put boundaries in place for him. I mean, if you do have sex with him, don't stick around for like the day of hanging out afterwards. Like don't go out for lunch and do the cutesy shit thing that would entail feeling like you're in a relationship with them because he might want to do that stuff with you knowing full well that he's going away in six months' time, be really conscious that this is just sex because you could very easily get carried away in this situation. What I would do.

You were like, I know what you would do. You would fuck him, you would have a six-month relationship with him and then you would continue dating him when he moved overseas. That's what you would do, Brit. Highly likely, yes. If I was you right now, this is what I'd do. Who would?

I'd bang him. I'd hook up with him, go out. See how it is. Bang him once. Don't make it a friend with benefits. Bang him once. Then the next day, test the water. be like, well, last night was pretty crazy, right? Better not do that again. Hey. And then see what

he said. If he's keen to keep going, he's going to let you know. If not, you've got it out of your system. Like he's a man. He's going to let you know if he wants to keep banging a hundred percent. You're not going to be left with any sort of confusion or you might decide it's not for you as well. But if you don't, I think I'm a big, like live in the moment. I really am. And I don't want to encourage this too much but I want to encourage it just a little bit you're going to probably lose sleep about it if you're thinking about hooking up with this guy so much that you're writing into us then go and do it but just enter it with caution here it is he's the forbidden fruit right he's that person you're like oh you're probably probably not particularly getting a lot of work done anyway

because you're probably thinking about him regardless or you have this flirty chemistry happening at work great amazing I just look you know what as well I'm going to say have some self-preservation here. I'm going to say, just go into it using your head, but also- And your cervix. And yeah, definitely grip down hard with your cervix. But the other thing is, and I'm going to guess from this that you're younger because you've said, you know, you don't know how you're going to emotionally handle it because you've never been in this situation before. That's an assumption. Maybe you aren't, you just have never had a friends with benefits

relationship yet. But I think that there are things that we kind of need to try in life and see how we're going to go. And I don't think that you can live your life avoidant on any type of situation, whether it be sexual, whether it be friends with benefits for fear of getting committed or having some sort of emotional reaction that you aren't able to control. It's great that you're conscious of that, but don't limit your ability to have experiences or relationships in life because you're afraid of the feelings that you might have. But I think coming back to the big, big one and that is that this is obviously within a workplace for you rather than focusing on whether you can emotionally handle it I think you should really focus on how will or could this

impact your work and is that something that you're okay with is this like you work in a bar and you know it's kind of fine and everyone hooks up with people that they work with are you a lawyer and do you work in an office space where a inter you know workplace relationship could really fuck your ability to be taken seriously I think that that is what I would be focusing more on rather than And can you emotionally handle the fact that he's going away in six months? Only other thing I want to add is that you said you are scared of getting rejected. I wish we could take him first. Yeah.

Get in there first. Lure him in and then shut him down. Make him know that this is not going anywhere. Why are you in my bedroom? Why are you still here? Why are you in me? No, don't say that. Get in and leave.

In, out, go. No, what I want to say is I'd love to try and take the fear away, especially in dating, but as a whole, the fear away of rejection. as humans. It's so ingrained in us that rejection is negative. And I guess that's because it's obviously rejection means you've gone for something and you haven't got what you wanted at the end of the day. But rejection doesn't have to be that bad. Like if you think there are a billion people in the world, there's way more than that. But if there's a billion people in the world, not every single person that you have an interest in or every job that you go for

is going to be for you and going to be right for you. And you don't have to take that so personally. I think if you just take it more top line, like shot my shot, didn't work out, move on. So don't be scared of it. For me, it's so much better to go after something that you want and get a no than it is to never go after what you want because it's still a no, but you'll never know. Say no again another time. I don't know. Do you know?

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