Life Uncut - Ask Uncut - The Patriarchy F*cked Up Our Buttons

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

Hey Lifers, Which side are your buttons on? A fun fact Laura brought up will have half of you interested and the other half wondering why guys, why?Britt has had botox in her skull to try and treat her migranes.We spoke a bit about how invalidating invisible conditions can make you feel. If you'd like to listen to the episode with Bridget Hustwwaite, it's here Living With Endo - Uncut with Bridget Hustwaite Vibes for the week:Britt: sunday supply co beach loungers Keeshia: Sound sleep mask Laura: John Plunkett Superfade cream Then we jump into your questions: Is it okay to brush your teeth when you’re on the toilet? For a little context, when my boyfriend got out of the shower last night, he dried off, then proceeded to start brushing his teeth. When I got out of the shower, he was sitting on the toilet, doing a number 2, whilst still brushing his teeth. Surely that is not an okay thing to do Can you make a relationship work when incomes are so different? My partner is wonderful; thoughtful, kind, funny - everything! But he earns a lot less than me with no desire to earn more. I’m worried this is going to cause resentment and issues over time (like with kids and holidays etc) I’m in a happy marriage to my husband (dating for 8 years, married for 2). We are both in our early 30s, have good jobs, have done a bit of travel and have recently bought our first home. We would both like to have kids at some point. We have watched as other friends and family have had kids and it seems to add chaos and complexity to all areas of your life. When life is so good at the moment it feels kind of crazy to turn everything upside down by having kids but it also feels like “the right time” in our life (plus biological clock of course) but I’m scared I will miss this period of life where it is just me and my husband and life is so easy I met this guy out and never got his number. He said he's not on social media. I looked on social media with no luck. I googled his name and found his linkedin. Can I message him or does this come across as incredibly stalkerish?  If you have an question please send it on it to life uncut podcast on Instagram hereJoin us on tiktok Or join the facebook group here Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friend and share the love because WE LOVE LOVE! xxSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never ceded. We pay our respects to their elders past and present. Always was, always will be Aboriginal land. This episode was recorded on Darug Walamutta land. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura. I'm Brittany and this is Ask Uncut where we answer all your deep, your dark and your burning questions. Hey, why are you pointing at me? It's too early. Everyone's in, there's some testy moods going on in this room today but I have a bit of, I have like a fact that nobody needs to know

and it will not change your life at all but I read it the other day and I have been spouting the wrong information and so I feel like I need to set myself right on this podcast. Oh god, What information could this possibly be? Okay, okay, okay. Hear me out. Have you ever noticed how guys' shirts button up on the completely opposite side to women's shirts? So women's shirts, the buttons are all down the left,

and on men's shirts, the buttons are all down on the right. I can honestly say I've never noticed that in my entire existence. I know that some people are kept up at night by this information, so I just wanted to help you out. I discovered this, and then that led me down a rabbit hole because I was like, why? I need to know why. and then i found a reddit thread and the reddit thread said that it was because women used to do

up like it was designed so that women could do up the men's shirt the fucking patriarchy and i was yeah and then i got angry and i went and told everyone i've spread this around like wildfire i was like the patriarchy anyway this morning as i was telling another person this because i was like the injustice this person turned around to me and said i don't think that that's correct and i was like well reddit said so i didn't do well if reddit said it i did a shallow dive it wasn't deep it was a shallow dive but the truth actually is that men's shirts are on the right side because it's more convenient for them to do it up themselves and back in the day women used to have servants who dress them so it's the opposite still the patriarchy servants of the patriarchy

but we're the problem yeah women now men are still the problem they designed that we couldn't dress ourselves because we had complicated outfits that people had to do up for us but That's because we had, I say we, like I used to live there in the 1700s. It's because we had corsets and things like that that had to be done up from the back and you couldn't breathe. And that's the patriarchy. It was impossible to get dressed yourself. You know what I always wonder?

Like how does one, if you're breastfeeding, get your titty out in that situation? Are you like, excuse me, can someone please come and help me? Left titty time. Oh, I think a lot of them have people that breastfed for them. Yeah. A lot of them. What are they called again? It's like a wet nurse.

Milkmaid. No, it's called a wet nurse. Oh, not a milkmaid. Fucking dead. Go red at that, Laura. I'm very glad we've moved on from those times, that's for sure. No, but there are definitely, I mean, I'm not saying everyone did it, but that definitely was a thing where you had wet nurses

who just constantly lactated and they just fed other people's children. Yeah. Only the wealthy, though. I'm more interested that the buttons haven't changed. We've progressed so far with women's rights and yet still shirts are made with the buttons on the other side. This is my challenge. Zara, Iconic, you heard it here first.

Why? We want equality. Put our buttons on the right. Do you have trouble doing your buttons up? no but well then why do you need to change because i bought a man's shirt and i didn't realize it was a man's shirt i've been wearing it as a woman's shirt obviously and i was confused by why the buttons were on the wrong side and then i realized i went onto the website and the person wearing the shirt on the website was a man is it hard to do it because

i'm just picturing it now i just like pretended to do up my shirt if you guys are struggling to do a button up we have bigger deeper problems like when you're so used to doing something a certain way Keisha this is the affirmation I need I'm not validating either of you also it might be alarming to some people like I mean to our life as you guys know that this is the case but to anyone who's new here we are the people answering your questions today so we'll really get to the bottom of it I just want to note that I did not bring or approve this conversation and I was like don't worry I've got something for the start of this episode that was it I like your fun facts thanks thanks I'll bring another one next week okay I can't wait another episode of Laura's fun

back hopefully our listeners come back hey i've got a little update not funny at all but it's just my life update because so many of you have been invested you've been on my migraine headache train for a very long time and i love that you guys still send me every week you know have you tried acupuncture have you tried putting your feet in a bath to be clear i definitely have tried all those things i've been a migraine sufferer for like 16 years since i was 14 or 15 yeah that makes me 30 Laura I knew you'd love that one okay 36 let's just get it out there air it out so the world to know turns out I've been a migraine sufferer for 20 years but yesterday I finally got a neurologist referral I told you guys I was going to try this and I went and got

migraine Botox now it's unbelievable how many women get migraines and my neurologist validated that for me she's like you are definitely not alone it's way more prevalent in women obviously there's age hormones i actually went to uni with a lecturer who was a researcher who found out that migraines are genetic no it's the patriarchy they did this to us as well yeah my dad gets migraines too so it's definitely my family but i went and got you have to meet so much criteria to get migraine botox you don't just get to go and do it because it goes doesn't shrink your brain it goes into well it's paralyzed yeah so no it just doesn't go in your brain finally a reason yeah finally yeah that's if i can't speak for the next month it's because i got botox in my

brain where do they put it in mate everywhere they put this in so you have to go through this consult then you get approved for it with how frequently what kind of migraines you have all of this stuff right there was a like an hour consult and she was amazing my neurologist was amazing anyway they put it in your temporal like the side of think of the side of your head and then all the back of your skull and then down your neck and into my traps so like that is a migraine it's like a migraine program so they don't just go and put it somewhere that's specific for you apparently these are all the places that they help to block and relax the muscles in the skull anyway i don't want to put anyone off it wasn't that it's if you've ever had botox in your forehead

or your face nice this is worse but i don't want to put you off to the point it's still tolerable like don't not go and get it but they tell they put it into your skull at the back of your head and because there's not a lot of skin and muscle on your skull i could hear and feel the like needle on my skull i'm just imagining it's like you stick it in then you're like conk because you're already there it is no cushion and i could it was the most surreal feeling i could just sort of feel it and then you can hear because it's so close to your ear you can hear the fluid the botox actually into your skull and then the weirdest feeling so when i get botox in my forehead i don't feel it disperse i don't know if you guys do i have no i don't feel it i don't feel it i feel it go in

does its thing but with this it felt like there was water going in and then i could feel it like a river i could feel it like going out along it was the weirdest feeling i can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks seven days time when you've got tiny head and i can't move my neck because my neck can't hold my head up you already have a really small head and i'm just imagining like everything around your head is going to shrink that's what she told me a little tiny lollipop she got a little head i was like thanks thanks i wasn't giving it as a compliment but can you feel the difference yeah like because botox can take two weeks to kick in no i don't feel anything yet but that's because yeah it's normal Botox in terms of five days to 10 days or something and

then I don't know if I'm going to feel anything essentially just supposed to relax the muscles enough that they don't get the tension the nerve receptors don't fire to the brain it's a whole thing so she's like just see how you feel see if the migraines come if your neck pain goes because I get a lot of neck pain with it but it's so fascinating I will let you know how it goes because so many of you asked have asked me because so many of you are sufferers but that's where I'm so in like two weeks time i'll give you an update and tell you if i've had headaches or migraines but i it's so funny i was so emotional when she drew the pictures it's not something you'd think you'd get emotional for i feel like i could cry now but i've been so sick my whole life with it

and it's one of those things it's like i don't want to liken it to endometriosis because i don't have endometriosis but what i mean by that is it's an invisible problem it's validating that nobody can see but makes you feel like sometimes you don't even want to leave the house yeah and when she drew these pictures and she's like this is what we're doing and each point on the picture where she was putting it in I started to cry because I was like that's exactly my problem I was like that's my and I was so excited at the prospect of not having it like even to know how emotional I am because no one can see your pain when you experience things like that and it's such a I was like I'm so sorry that I'm crying like that I get headaches and she's like no it's common

the fact that you might have relief is overwhelming to a lot of people and then I just thought about all my friends that have endometriosis and all those Crohn's disease all these diseases that women particularly men of course as well that women are experiencing that no one can see it's the feeling of validation that you've been feeling like there's been something wrong with you for so long and finally you're having a medical professional who is very experienced tell you that it's real totally for me it was with PCOS and ADHD and I know that a lot of women have experienced this for a variety of different either diseases or conditions and there is something really I guess like validating doesn't seem to be a word big enough because I was very

emotional as well and I was like finally someone is listening to me and someone is taking me seriously and they're they're paying attention to what I've been saying for so long I think it comes off the back when you say validating the reason why that word doesn't feel big enough is because it doesn't just feel validating it comes off the back of being invalidated for so long so it's the invalidation. And then finally having someone say, this is what this is. And I know when you say it's not the same as endometriosis, I don't want anyone to think that we're conflating the two. But when we spoke to Bridget Husway quite a few years ago on the podcast, we did a great chat with her all around endo. So if you're an endo sufferer, please go back and listen to that

episode because I mean, I enjoyed it so much and I don't have endometriosis and it made me have so much more empathy understanding for those who go through it. But the thing that she described is that for so long she was told oh periods are meant to be painful like this is just a normal part and it's that conversation and that kind of like threshold when you're like this isn't normal and I'm screaming it and nobody is listening it's that validation exactly but I also I got physical validation as well because it's not just that a neurologist was like yes I believe that you have headaches you know I went and had an MRI scan on my brain and she talked me through and she's like can you see all these white flecks that you've got in your brain like I have physical like

physiological changes in my brain she's like these flex she's like don't worry about them but they are indicative of a very long-term migraine headache sufferer this is what will happen to a brain and I just it validated for me because for some time sometimes I think over the years I'm like do I imagine and I know this sounds crazy but I'm like am I imagining how bad my headaches are or am I I'm gaslighting myself it's confusing because I'm like am I just really stressed at this point of my life and everyone gets these headaches like this is just a normal like period pain right we're like this is normal but sometimes it's not sometimes there's more going on with your ovaries and you know because i mean it didn't make me feel good to see that my brain deteriorated

but it did in the sense i was like fuck yeah i was like i knew it i knew i wasn't imagining totally yeah i also think that when you're in the position where you're able to get treatment it can make you feel really hopeful it's like a lifeline yeah you're like finally i i very much sympathize for people who go through this experience and then the follow-up to that is there's not much we can do you know you guys spoke with Megan Marks recently about her condition that she's being diagnosed with it's such a different experience if you are validated through what you've been experiencing and there is a treatment option versus you're told what's going on and there's nothing so I'm so stoked that you I know that it was a really long path for you to get to

this point and not only is it very expensive but it's very hard to get in to see neurologists because they're specialists and like again that gaslight thing of is it bad enough for me to take something so serious you know such a severe kind of treatment and I hope it works yeah and look it's expensive it cost me yesterday I think about a thousand dollars nine hundred dollars so I don't want people to think you can just go and get it you do get a bit of a rebate from medicare if it's medical so I'll get some money back but for me it is yeah well I'm gonna say I hope it's worth it if it works so yeah I mean we'll keep us updated when it does yeah I'll keep you updated but sorry I just I'm not I'm not apologizing I cried actually no no cry I'm crying that out yeah

all right it is time for our vibes and unsubscribes Brit what is your vibe or unsubscribe my vibe if you follow me on Instagram you would have seen this last week I do have a post of it on my gram but I just recently got a beach chair and umbrella set and my vibe is specifically a beach chair now this chair this sounds silly it's only like half a chair in terms of it's just got a back and then it almost flaps out like a towel onto the sand yeah so they call it like a lounger a beach lounger it's by sunday supply co which is a byron bay based brand it's the most easy lightweight convenient thing the way that they have designed it is that it like it literally weighs nothing but it just folds up in one second has these clips that turn into a shoulder carry so you can throw

it over your shoulder across your chest weighs nothing so you could walk with it kilometers to the beach flap it out in two seconds and i was like why have i lived my life without a beach lounger do you know what i saw this on your stories and i was like this and a cool cabana are the two indicators that you're in your 30s i was like there ain't no 18 year old getting around with a lounger there are now it's cool no cool cabana and beach lounges you're a 30 mid 30 year old woman going to the beach that's what that is i cannot tell you and also well the thing is right with my 50 plus i don't don't show 50 plus i wear it every day but i didn't when i was 18 and now i'm like slather me in it but the back of the beach chair also has it doesn't have one angle

it can go down further or go up anyway wait wait is there a pocket on the back of the beach chair that you can put your magazine that you're reading i think there could be i don't know A magazine? Women's Day. Because she's old. Women's Day. No, it's Dolly. You wait.

Harper's Bazaar. Okay. I'm going to let you borrow the beach chair and the beach lounger. Oh, no, I have some. I'm in my 30s. I know. Do you have a lounger, not a chair? I've got two loungers.

I'm not at the chair level yet. The lounger's still pretty cool. And I got a cool cabana. So that's Sunday Supply Co. I'll put the link in the show notes because I did have a lot of people just DMing me about it. But Sunday Supply Co., they literally do everything that you could want from the beach.

They do cabanas. They do towels. they do bags they do chairs different types of chairs loads of umbrellas that are really lightweight and cool it's a vibe also non-spono none of this stuff is spono this is no stuff that we like it's not spono i just swipe up yeah i've got bad things to say about the cabanas because they take up so much damn space and i get it you want to be sun safe but by the time you get down to bondi there is no room left for anyone else totally it's also just like you're just such a mom cool cabanas are such a momville sun safety is cool all right let's go keish what's yours

My vibe for the week, forgive me, I'm back on my sleep train. I've had some really troubled sleep. Oh, welcome back. We've missed it. Guys, the truth is I got banned from talking about sleep for a while. But I'm bringing this up because someone posted in the Facebook group on the Life Uncut discussion group asking, does anyone have any comfortable speakers or like headphones to sleep in?

And I was like, oh, babe, yes, I do. Because two weeks ago. I have been waiting for this question my whole life. I also love that one lifer asked for this and Keisha's like, this is for the masses. It's definitely one person asked. It's pretty cool. So it's like an eye mask that has speakers where the ears are,

but they're flat so you can sleep with it. It's called the Dream Sleep Sleep Mask. Link in the show notes. It's currently $60. They say that they've only got a sale on for another hour, but they also said that when I purchased it. So I think it's a fad. Like I think you can get it for about $60.

I don't like it when brands do that, when they try and make you panic buy stuff. Yeah, but it works. I always panic buy. I'm like, what? I feel like five by five. I've got to get it now. So you charge it up like a phone and then you put the eye mask on, you connect the Bluetooth to your phone and you can play it.

And it's basically an eye mask that doubles as you can move the speaker around near your ear so you can sit it comfortably because they're flat speakers. And so you can sleep on it. And I love it when I'm sleeping and I want to have something playing. like you can have white noise you could have podcasts like you can put whatever you want i want nothing i want dead silence and i want my children to sleep through the night that's what i dream for i want blackness and nothing i want an empty head but if you put your headphones on you won't hear if your kids wake up that's brilliant no then they just get

out of bed and come into my room and stand there in the darkness these little like assassins just standing there staring at me what's your vibe laura mine is a cosmetic vibe so i have tried every single pigmentation cream under the sun i have been the live guinea pig for every single brand i got really into using and i spoke about it ages ago the secret which is very good but it's so fucking expensive like it's a really really expensive plan i think one of their creams is like 500 so i did it once and even though it was so effective i never ever used it again anyway recently you guys might remember last year i was talking about this pigmentation thing i have on my arm which no one knows what it is that was a fungus yeah but the fungus didn't go away with

a fungal cream. So it's not a fungus. It's a fungi now. There's lots of them. Did you use any dandruff shampoo? I've used everything. And look, that's a whole other story. I'm going to the dermatologist about this in March. Oh, we're going to get another health update. I'll give you a health update. But my recommendation is actually it's John Plunkett's super fade cream. You can get it over the counter at a chemist. It's crazy cheap. Like I think it was when I say crazy cheap, it was like maybe 20 bucks or something. And it was as effective for me as the $500 cream that i bought from the secret so i've used it now for the past six weeks it has on my face not on my fungus the fungus hasn't changed it has hydroquinone in it which i know some people don't want to use

because it is quite an aggressive lightening cream but for me it works really really well i do like a six week treatment of it and then i stay off it for a couple of months and then go back to it when i need to but i would say my skin between using the skinceutical stuff and then using this as like a real booster oh your skin is on point it's been so good lately and a massive part of that is this like 20 buck cream from chemist warehouse sorry i lied this one i'm just pulled up a thing it's like 35 which is still pretty good yeah don't guess like the people i know i'm so sorry you could probably get it by now in the next hour swipe up in comparison to other creams that is still yeah very cheap so john plunkett super fade available from over the

counter you gotta go and ask the pharmacist for it okay let's get into the questions question number one now this came in from a listener but also i've seen it floating around the internet so i think it's a debate that multiple people are having and i think it deserves to be had here at life uncut my boyfriend and i have been talking lately about is it okay to brush your teeth when you're on the toilet for a little context when my boyfriend got out of the shower last night he dried off then proceeded to start brushing his teeth when i got out of the shower he was sitting on the toilet doing a poop while still brushing his teeth why was she in there with him that's the bigger question no that's all right you don't shit and share you don't stand around

each other having a chat doing a poo but they might not be in the same room laura some toilets are in a separate room she might have just walked past and he's on the toilet brush like maybe he took the toothbrush in to do his poo like with him basically can you take a dump and brush your teeth simultaneously i mean it's no i like to really focus on my poo i don't want to be in there being distracted by brushing my teeth like what do you mean focus on your poo well doing a poo is really cathartic and enjoyable and I don't enjoy brushing my teeth but I do it anyway because I have to so I don't want to ruin a cathartic great experience by brushing my teeth at the same time also where you're going to spit you're going to spit between your legs where are you

going to spit wow I do not where do you spit I don't even think I have a right to reply I don't know what some people are going to say some people like there's poo particles in the room but if your toilet is in the same room as your toothbrush anyway then floating around in that room so that argument to me doesn't stand up i just i enjoy going to the toilet i enjoy my 15 minutes on my own laura i'm just most men would say that i love going taking a dump it feels so good like it's cathartic what no i mean not for me it's not i don't know what you're doing there i don't sit in there and meditate while i'm doing it usually i'm on my phone it's more enjoyable than brushing your teeth but yeah i just think where do you spit afterwards or do you hold that

all in your mouth which just i don't think people are taking 20 minutes like you to do a poo so i think people are just probably timing the toothbrush with the poop i don't know i i don't personally i don't do this i do not contribute or partake in pooing whilst brushing my teeth not because i think it's gross but because i brush my teeth in the shower or just at the sink so like i will take it into my electric toothbrush into the shower always an electric your toothbrush it brushes far better far better clean and i do it in the shower because then like you can just be a dirty bitch in there because your toothpaste can like drizzle out of your mouth and it doesn't matter because the water's washing it off like i really enjoyed that moment

but like you just said if your toilet i'm thinking of my bathroom like my bathroom is a shower a toilet and a sink all in the same room don't shit where you brush well there are a lot of studies done like this is not just me there are a lot of studies done saying that there are poop particles that float around literally your entire bathroom so if you're doing a poop and you are not closing the lid you are going to have poop particles on your toothbrush it's a fact of life so it might even be better to be doing it on the toilet because your butt is blocking this your body's blocking any of the particles coming back up maybe i don't know i think this podcast has taken a turn i think it's really it's gone down the toilet one might say that's my question i don't think

it's the end of the world like I don't think you have to break up with your partner because he's doing it but maybe just don't you know out of sight out of mind don't watch him poo I just realized as well one of the reasons why I can't it always confuses me how some people can brush their teeth and manage to brush it so well that they keep everything in their mouth until they go and politely spit like some people who can brush their teeth and walk around the house it's like dripping down my arm sometimes like I need to be over a sink I need to be contained I like to lean forward I don't want any of it going down the back of my throat it's just no yuck all of this is yuck all right laura give us question number two okay i'm glad we're moving

on from that question number two my boyfriend and i have been together for a year he owns his own apartment and i have just bought one he earns about 25 to 30 000 less than me a year and it's starting to show a little bit for example we are going to europe for a wedding this year and he can only pay me back a certain amount of money per month rather than all at once i understand with the cost of living, times are tight, but with a new mortgage, it is impacting me. He will often comment on how much more money I have saved compared to him, which is starting to create a little bit of a power imbalance in our relationship. It also just makes me a little concerned about how he's going to be able to contribute to our future. Example, buying a

house together. I find myself constantly stressing about finances on his behalf. Any advice would be super helpful. It's interesting because we actually had another question come in that is pretty linked to that I'll just quickly read it out because we're going to talk about both of them but can you make a relationship work when incomes are so different my partner is wonderful thoughtful kind funny everything he earns a lot less than me with no desire to earn more again the same kind of thing they're worried about the future with this pay discrepancy first and foremost I want to start by saying congratulations you guys are in a great place you both earn enough to own your own homes already like you've said he already owns his home

you've just bought your own that's amazing you want to work together like just to be clear you are ahead of the pack already not many people are in that position so that's something that maybe you need to sit in from it and be like wow we're already doing better than a lot of people because the cost of living is crazy right now you can 100% have a relationship with people when you earn different money in fact I would say that's the majority of couples it's pretty rare to have a relationship where you earn the exact same amount as your partner it makes me upset I guess I think that you're worried about that I understand people worrying about money in general but worrying about the fact that just he earns more and might not be able to keep up it's just a conversation

you're going to have to have together and he's not saying I'm not going to be able to give you money he's going to say hey with all the finances we've got going on now I can 100% come on this trip but I'm going to have to do it in parts I'm going to have to pay you back in parts which I think he's I mean for me I think that's great he's not expecting you to pay for him he's just saying it's going to take me a bit longer to pay back yeah I mean this to me is a big communication piece the reason why it's interesting is because we are so conditioned to think that it's normal and okay for men to earn a lot more money than women in heterosexual relationships that has been the norm for so long and now for so many people the dynamic is changing which is amazing that as

women we are in positions where we can earn a lot more money than our partners it's something that we should be stoked about. And also I do sometimes understand though, if you're like, well, this has put me now in a position where I feel like I'm paying for things. I feel like I'm the one who's having to bridge the gap in the relationship in terms of finances. I do understand why that can cause some stress and some pressure, but that all comes down to conversations around how much stress and pressure is it causing you? Are you living outside of your combined means as a couple because you're having to do the top up all the time and you're not able to save money? But it sounds like by what you've described in this you are saving money and he is still contributing and

paying you back equally for the things that you're paying for even if it means you're outlaying first I would say if everything else is great in the relationship if he is good with money if he does prioritize being fair and even with all the other aspects of life I don't think that this is a big issue or it certainly wouldn't be a big issue to me I know that when you say that there's a bit of a power imbalance that's happening, that doesn't have to be a power imbalance. Like I think dissect why that exists and why that is a feeling that you're having about the relationship. Is it because he's making you feel that there's a power imbalance or is it because you're tired of having to outlay money for him when you don't feel like it's being a mutual thing? It's really interesting. There was

a study that was done in 2015 on this very thing. It was around women earning more money than their partners and at the time the study found that it led to a higher dissatisfaction in relationships and a higher incidence of divorce however since then there's been several studies done which shows that it can be equally as beneficial to a relationship as what earning less does like it doesn't have to be seen as a lose-win situation or a win-win situation it's on even footing and I guess it comes down to your perspective on your relationship and what you prioritize but I do think that couples who earn significantly different amounts of money can have great relationships you just have to both be okay with what the other person's earning 100 and this would

be a whole different story if you were paying for everything and he was coming along and not contributing at all then resentment would build up but there's always going to be a disparity in life with what you earn in a relationship and that might be if you guys one day have kids and maybe you need to take some time off work as an example there will be a situation where he's the bread winner one thing I would suggest and this is something that I do personally I always and I always suggest other people do I think that you have an account with your partner that is joint and you contribute to that evenly but I also think it's important especially for women to have another account that is just theirs and it's not that you're keeping money or it's not a secret

it it's just that you have a little bit in there for you maybe that's for a rainy day maybe that's I think that's fine I genuinely do and I think that's almost important but this situation won't always be like this but also you've only been together for a year you've been together for one year you don't have to have merged finances yet you don't have to tell your partner every single dollar that you're earning yet like I think it's great that you guys are open with your communication around your finances but you absolutely don't need to be discussing your savings and the amount of money you have down to the dollar if you want to sure go for it there's no reason why you can't but I think when you say you know well what's this going to mean for our

future it depends on how old you are it depends on where you're at in terms of your trajectory do you want to travel do you even want to have kids like what does that look like for the two of you because I mean in sort of like rebuttal to what you just said Brit they might have kids and she might go back to work as soon as she possibly can and he might stay home and take care of the kids. Like that's an option as well, you know. Like a lot of couples are doing it differently these days. Yeah, the point is though you don't know what's going to change

in a relationship. The point's not that the woman's going to stay home and have a kid. That's not what I was trying to make at all. The point is that there are going to be times where one of you is in a better position and one of you is contributing emotionally, financially, physically to a relationship more and then that's going to swap. And I guess the only other part of this that I think we should touch on

is that if the gender dynamics were reversed we wouldn't have a problem with it because I don't think that we we never really unpack oh well what if the guy earns more because that's often just an expectation so I don't think that we need to be as fretful in instances where that is reversed but also for me I guess so long as they're contributing and I'm not financially ruined because my partner's not earning any money like that would be a very different situation but for me it doesn't come down to earning the same amount of money it comes down to motivation is your partner motivated is he loving the stuff that he does because like I think a disparity in motivation is way more damaging to a relationship than disparity in income if he loves what he does

if he's motivated in the relationship if he is equally contributing if he's showing up all of those things are like ding ding ding green flag if he's not showing up to the relationship if he's coasting if he sits at home and plays fucking playstation and doesn't go to work if he leaves work early because he doesn't really like his job and he's just doing it for a paycheck that to me would be so much less attractive than someone who just earned twenty thousand or thirty thousand dollars less than me because yeah like you said Britt you're always going to be on different pay packages at some point in a relationship and it doesn't mean that he's always going to earn this amount of money he might get a new job he might get a pay rise you just don't know what's going

to happen in the next five to ten years it's what is your priority and what's important to you as an individual and what's important to you as a couple and I say that because you guys have said you know I'm saving more he's not saving a lot I'm worried about our holidays in the future but we do the reason I'm worried is because we do have our own mortgages so that makes it harder with the cost of living if your priority is owning property then something else has to give a little bit yeah so for this holiday it's holidaying but he's owned a house so that is his priority as a couple you've only been together for a year it's super important to talk about what you want for the future like what do you want because he might say hey one day I want to sell up everything I own and

go backpacking and you're like well I don't want to do that like these are just financial conversations that I think are super important the fact that you're stressing about finances to validate you is completely normal it's something that every single person in Australia thinks about probably once a day because it's a really tough time economically any professional any specialist any experts going to tell you to have those conversations because whether we like it or not finances are the foundation of life they're the be all and end all you can't eat you can't have a roof over your head the second reason like the second biggest contributor to relationship breakdowns is disparity in finances in terms of your views and how you show up to you know

managing your finances and the number one is cheating which is why we answer so many questions on that all right question number three i'm in a happy marriage to my husband dating for eight years and married for two we are both in our early 30s have good jobs have done a bit of travel and have recently bought our first home we would both like to have kids at some point we have watched as other friends and family have had their kids and it seems to add chaos and complexities to all areas of your life social life relationships career sleep mental and physical health when life is just so fucking good at the moment it feels kind of crazy to turn everything upside down by having kids but it also feels like the right time in our life plus biological clock is ticking of course

but i'm scared i will miss this period of life where it is just me and my husband and life is so easy i literally could have written this in this could not be more inside of my brain right now this i think is probably one of the biggest stresses that women have totally in their life is when well i shouldn't say all women because i have friends that have known from five years old that all they wanted to do was be a mom like they can't wait they were so driven to become a mom yeah but also the flip sides people who don't want to have kids at all anymore exactly but what i'm saying is some people always have it ingrained in them that they know that that is the journey they want to go down yeah other people like myself have no fucking idea they

like i'm i stress about this so much i still feel like that i have two children and i'm like how did this happen so i'm at the point where i'm 36 years old you guys know i've been doing ivf stuff because i'm very worried about the fact that maybe one day i can't do it but the reason i haven't done it yet. Obviously I was alone for a very long time, but it's because in my brain, in my soul, in my heart of hearts, I love my life. And I'm hyper aware that once you have kids, it turns it upside down. I had my nephew stay with me. He's staying with me at the moment. He's one, his name is Bear. He's divine. He's like the most beautiful child. And to be fair, I don't have a child friendly home right now, but even this morning I woke up and I was like, holy shit, God knows how

you do anything Laura but it's crazy and he's not even mine he's just staying with me for like one night for like three for like three nights yes my brother like I have had him one-on-one for sure but it's it's not like it's anything new but 100% it turns your life upside down and the stress that women feel is really shitty and really unfair because we do have a biological clock but unfortunately it's unavoidable so at the end of the day you just need to make a decision that if it is something you want maybe you go down the track of doing the early fertility testing like I did or like many women do where you just do that basic egg count the reserve do a couple of tests make sure everything's okay so you can make more educated decisions but no one can tell you what to

do all I can say is I hear you and I see you and it's the bane of my existence is when where how do I do it it's so stressful I relate to this so much as well I think that this is the normal feeling I mean I envy those people who walk through life and are like I know that I so desperately want to be a mom and that was you know my life mission and in the same way I envy those people who are just so resolute in their decision to not have children because I certainly didn't feel like that I didn't know I wasn't sure and I got pregnant by accident and my first pregnancy with Matt I had a miscarriage and then we were like let's throw caution to the wind and see what happens and then I got pregnant very quickly and look here I am with two kids but that was my

feeling I never had this overwhelming desire or feeling that it was the right thing to do I kind of expected that maybe one day that would hit me in my 30s especially like being in a happy relationship but then I also was like well I love my relationship I love everything about what Matt and I share when we were in our early 30s and we'd started dating and and I was like why would we want to change that so when I was actually pregnant I was faced with that question mark you know do we pivot our life completely or do we stay with what's familiar and everything that we love now no one can make that decision for you because on one hand I can tell you my experience is that things just got way more chaotic but also way more amazing like that's my experience of parenthood

other people have had experiences where they don't love parenthood it's not what they thought it was going to be I can't speak for that but I know that that exists and I know that there are a lot of people who feel as though parenthood has had a negative impact on their relationship but the thing is I think it really matters who you are as people going into becoming parents do you know I mean you said you've been with your partner now for eight years married for two years do you have a really sort of like deep understanding of how he will be as a dad do you know how he reacts in times of crisis because I think once you've done the waves of the relationship and you're like I know how my partner is going to react under moments of intense stress. I know how my partner

is going to react when he hasn't had sleep. Once you've kind of experienced that in your partner, you can, and you do have a bit of an understanding as to how that's going to affect them and affect your relationship. The thing is, is that I think for a lot of people, they ignore the red flags in their relationship and they don't realize how much having kids puts a microscope on all of the things that are already issues. But I guess the thing I don't want to skirt over is I've said, it can have this negative effect and people have varying feelings about having kids. For me, I think women are told that your life ends once you have children, that things are going to change so dramatically that they're never going to be the same. But I also don't think that people

focus on how much it can be transformative and incredible and just add a whole new dimension of love and deepen your relationship and all the incredible things that can come from it as well, because that really does exist yeah but life won't be the same no it won't but it could be better that's the risk it could be worse but it could be better it depends on how much you love motherhood 100 and you're not going to know until you do it i have a friend who's got four kids under four and loves it right she's like it's fucking chaos and my life is not the same it never will be but she loves it i was speaking to another friend a male only in the last week and he has kids and he said love them could not love them more if I could go back would I have kids probably not

yeah because it wasn't he doesn't enjoy his life how it is now and it wasn't what he thought it was but he doesn't love them any less and and that's the difference that is like that big call is such a hellish thing to say yeah I've had friends say you know I love my kids but I don't like being a dad like I've had friends say that to me but also the thing I would say to challenge that is you have little kids for a short period of time and we are all in the little kid phase most of us I mean not every listener here is in a little kid phase but like the little kid phase is unrelenting and demanding and it's not always going to be this like they're not going to be three forever the dynamic of parenthood it changes so rapidly as well so the phase that you're hating isn't

necessarily going to be the phase that's there in six months time or a year time like I said and I want to be careful with this because I don't want to speak for everyone but I did not expect to love it as much as I do and I didn't expect for it to make my relationship with Matt better than what it already was and when I say yeah we don't have sex as much we don't sleep as much we don't get as much us time but the love and commitment we have to our relationship it completely changed all of that well the last thing I want to say is you have said it sounds like you know you want the kids you've said we're in our early 30s we know we want them at some point but we don't know if we want to change our life right now the average age of having children is way later now my fertility

doctor has said that you can see those statistics if you go and do your fertility testing just to check that everything's okay your husband can get checked to make sure like his sperm's okay then maybe you want to take steps like i have to freeze eggs or embryos or whatever it is there's nothing to say you can't have children later like you're in your early 30s i'm 36 and i'm still deciding um my sister-in-law had a baby at 41 i have friends that had kids in their 40s I'm 38 this year and if we do ever decide to have another one, well, I'll be an old geriatric mum. Well, that's my point, right?

Like there's nothing to say you have to have this child right now. You could very easily have another 5, 6, 7, 8, if you've just turned 30, like you could have 10 years with your husband travelling and living your life and then decide to have a child. No one's journey is the same and we do always feel these pressures because of the biological clock and society says you should be done by 30 and, you know, you do whatever is right for you. but my suggestion would be go and get your testing, like I said, to make sure things are okay

and then enjoy your life. Maybe say to each other, like, let's tick some bucket list stuff and revisit this in three years. Yeah, for sure. For sure. And like so much changes in three years anyway, you might actually get to a point where you feel, okay, I'm so ready for this now. And I so deeply want it. Not everyone arrives at that destination, but some people definitely do in their relationships. Okay. Last question. I met this guy out, but didn't get his number. Now he told me he's not on social media. I feel like everyone says that. Hey, and usually you think that they must have a wife. Yeah. He's like, I don't do social media because I got five wives and 25 kids. I looked on social media and to be fair, I couldn't find him. I Googled his name

though and did find his LinkedIn. I love this girl's effort. Can I message him on LinkedIn or does this come across as semi-stalkerish? Who cares? Shoot your shot, girl. Go for it. LinkedIn is for connecting. Connect. Connect.

Connect. Connect deeply. I think it's completely fine. To be fair, I made one of our very close friends now. I met them. This makes us mountain-nice. They're like such losers. We met this couple.

Do you make your friends on LinkedIn, Laura? Okay, wait for it. It's so lame. We met this lovely couple at the beach this one day and they had a little boy who was similar age to Marley. we got on so well then we ran into them a few weeks later at the park and he was talking about what he did for a job and the company he worked for and we left that interaction at the park we're like oh my god they're such great people like we need to make them our friends it's so hard to meet

adult friends who were like you know who are your people and I was like these people are our people Matt and also the thing he was talking about from his job was something that was quite like related to Tony May and anyway and I was like Matt you should find him on LinkedIn and so he did and And now they're some of our best friends and we spend – Who? Melonenzo. I love them. So then they have a baby.

Like they're like part of our close little inner circle of friends and we met them and we stalked them on LinkedIn. So like look, even Laura and Matt can be fucking crazy and find people on LinkedIn. So if we can do it, you can do it. Go get your man. I feel like you just unlocked a new level. I didn't know you found your friends on LinkedIn.

Yeah, well, I couldn't find them. Do you update your LinkedIn and be like looking for friends? I don't – not here for work looking for friends i don't have a linkedin matt had it so i need to i had to make him go and do the dirty work but i think look if worst case scenario i have outed myself as a loser if i'm not a loser wait if i meet you in the park and we chat and i don't stalk you on linkedin i don't like you that much then i didn't connect with you as deeply as what you know i did with melanin so anyway look what i'm saying here is that i think it is fine to shoot your shot

shoot it shoot it shoot it far and wide shoot it all the way into LinkedIn if he doesn't like you he won't respond and if he's got a wife he's not responding which is okay at least you put it out there don't take it to heart if he doesn't respond don't go back and stalk his page 500 times because I'm pretty sure you can see who's viewed your profile if you start following it's fine it is absolutely fine it's not stalkerish it's fine the thing is and I genuinely believe this we've said it so many times but it's going to be stalkerish if he's not interested that's how he'll think right he's going to be like stalker but if he's keen he's going to be like hot driven ambitious she found me like it's it depends on if there's a connection there because we always think someone

if someone hits on us or whatever if you're not into it you're more likely to be like creep he was so full-on like he didn't take no for an hour he didn't read the room or whatever but if you're into it you're like that guy that messaged me 25 times in a row hot he loves me so it depends on like it depends on it's your perception changes everything a hundred percent but linkedin is in all seriousness it is for connection and from what i hear business connection but maybe you want to connect your business time no i have actually heard that people are using it as like a new dating it's a new way to meet like that's so it's not actually a joke people are actually meeting doing the messages talking on there because i guess at the end of the day it's a

profile. You're still learning about someone. What I like about this is that you can literally do a reference check, like a real life reference check before you go out on a date. I am looking to employ a boyfriend. Can you please send through your qualifications immediately? Insert your qualifications here. Look, I think it's fine. And like, let this be your green card. If you meet someone out, you can't find them on social media, but you find their LinkedIn, just be a little bit of a weirdo and it could end up, look, you may not end up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but you may end up with a new best friend. She's in hospitality. He's in like chemical and engineering. She's like, Oh my God, I stumbled across your LinkedIn. Can you let us know how that

goes? Actually, please reach out to him, but let us know how it goes. Cause I need to know if this is going to turn into a date. I need to know if he has a wife. That's it from us guys. Okay. If you have loved the episode, go and follow it. It doesn't cost you anything. We don't do subscriber episodes, but if you follow us, wherever you listen to your podcast, it means that the episode will fall into your libraries as soon as we bring a new one out. So you won't have to go searching for it and you won't miss out on a single thing. Also, you can send in your Ask Uncut

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