Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - THERAPY THURSDAY with Laura and Matty J

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

It's that time of the week again Lifers, it's Therapy Thursday and we have a very special one ready to serve up!Britt is away on a much deserved holiday - and today its Laura and Matty J taking the reins answering all your relationship questions!Here are the questions we tackle in todays episode : My partner is going to a bucks party where there are going to be strippers and I don't want him to go, am I over reacting? Are you always attracted to each other? My husband and I have different fighting styles, he avoids conflict and I need reassurance which ends in our fights escalating even if the original fight is over something inconsequential - how can we resolve this? I need to break up with my boyfriend.... should I do it before or after Christmas? Find us on Facebook at Life Uncut Podcast and on Instagram @LifeuncutpodcastIf you loved todays episode please hit 5 stars, leave a review and share the love, because, well, we love love!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is going to be a fucking disaster. Why are you laughing? Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. This is our very special Ask Uncut edition where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions and today, well it's even more special and that's because poor old Brittany is away on holidays, a very, very well-deserved holiday, but she's left me with no other option. Here he is. What an intro.

Welcome to the podcast once again, Maddie J, my darling fiancé, the love of my life, my soulmate. I just can't escape you, can I? It was kind of nice because you're saying it's also very special because Maddie J was here and then you kind of stopped yourself and you're like, there was literally nobody else available. It was either I record this by myself or I pull in Maddie J. I woke up to your morning breath this morning. So a little bit more of you I can handle. Although I did say on the last episode, guys, that I've reached the point in this pregnancy where

I just want to be naked all the time. So the really exciting part about this and the part that I'm very happy about is that I'm not wearing any underwear at all and it doesn't matter because Brittany's not here to be offended. Well hang on a second you can't say that to me now because we've just had someone pick up Marley for an hour and I was thinking to myself we could do an episode of the podcast or we can have a bit of cuddle time if you know what I mean. Okay here we are this is what we do in our spare time guys this is foreplay. Don't have sex we just do podcasts hey before we go into these questions i did see an article yesterday which i'm i'm going to say is my favorite article of the year so we're going to travel all the way over to europe

there's a hungarian politician and he is ultra conservative he's very right wing and he's actually been responsible for spearheading some of the rules and laws regarding same-sex marriage and he doesn't want it to proceed i like that you read this yesterday but you've banked this specifically to tell me on the podcast okay so this guy's politician very right wing he's been very vocal in being against any legislation that gives equal rights to the lgbtqi plus community it's a very very vocal now over the weekend he has just been found in a little orgy oh i mean what do you do on your spare time i mean yeah like a little orgy between friends right but not just not just three four not just eight 25 men Laura Byrne in this orgy and do you know what makes

this even worse well I mean it's not bad at the moment I think this is quite they're having a hell of a time well it's it's the fact that obviously in Europe right now they are going through really strict particularly un-covid safe exactly exactly so they're in lockdown there's restrictions on how many people you can have your orgy or your household they're handing out hand sanitizer as people come in don't forget to sanitize and please make sure that you put on your gloves and your condoms so he so he's gone to this orgy 25 people the neighbor next door has obviously heard a bit of a racket going on and thought like this is not good you know this was covid lockdown these guys are breaching the rules i'm going to call the police

so the police have come to this apartment and they've knocked on the door and then you know one of the people at the orgies heard the door going don't worry guys i'll go get this i don't know who it could be because there's 25 of us and that's everyone here at the orgy but anyway i'll go answer it opens the door police officers men in uniform standing in the doorway and the guy goes great come on in and they don't realize that the police officers are actually real policemen they think that it's just like part of the orgy so they're like great welcome take a seat make yourself comfortable take your pants off and the police are like all right get against the wall right now and they're like yeah we will put your hands behind your backs oh i like it naughty

and so it took them a while to realize that they were real police it wasn't until one of them tried to take the pants of a police officer off, that they then kind of came to. And anyway, in the midst of all this, they then realised that one of the men of the 25 was a politician. So he is now resigned. Right. Well, there you go. That was a big story to bring to the beginning.

I really wasn't prepared for this. This is pre-coffee. There was a lot. It escalated. And here we are. look there's nothing like a little orgy story in the morning to get you perked up for the day it really gets you warmed up doesn't it okay well guys i put it out to you to send us your questions i mean i don't have any that are orgy related but i do funnily enough have one that is stripper

related for you matty j great so and i'm actually interested in this because i wonder if we have conflicting views on this as well it's nice to have matt on the podcast because he gives a male perspective and although brit and i may be unqualified but extremely enthusiastic about our advice matt's also unqualified so we're just keeping it nice and consistent you keep giving me compliments that start off nice and end going the other way this is exactly like our relationship that's terrible okay strippers what do we got therapy session for the two of us that you will get to listen to all right so this listener has written in and said that her boyfriend of seven months is about to go to a bucks party however she knows that there's going to be strippers there and

there's going to be topless waitresses there and it's making her feel really really uncomfortable and she's really against strippers in general what can she do should she put rules in place in order for like him to be able to go should she tell him he's not allowed to go what do you think is an acceptable course of action for her when she feels so insecure about him going to a bucks party where there are strippers i wonder if something's happened previously which is causing her to feel so nervous about the situation like i think everyone is is pretty similar i would i would assume that you know when you have a hens night or a bucks party one of the first things you organize after alcohol is a stripper it's just kind of what happens right yeah but what's your

opinion i guess this is the question right like is there a difference between having a stripper and going to like a strip club or having a stripper come to a party versus it being a special occasion like a Bucks or a Hens, because I kind of separate them and think that they're kind of different. I think if you were going to the strippers every single weekend, that would definitely make you feel really uncomfortable. But then I think if you are just going as a one-off to a Bucks party where there will be strippers, I don't see it as being a major issue.

But I think it's unique that she feels like she needs to put barriers in place because I don't think the rules change at all from whether – Obviously, you are seeing somebody who is undressing, but, you know, I don't think you would have to say to your partner, hey, just a reminder, you can't touch them. Hey, just a reminder, you know, you can't be in a room together privately with nobody else. I think those kind of rules and barriers are just expected given that you're in a relationship, right? Yeah, well, I think exactly that. But I do think it's interesting that there is this like social acceptance around box parties and hens parties. And like, that's okay.

Like, we kind of give that as a hall pass. and like speaking from like you and I like if you were to say that you're going to go to a box party I would be cool with it because I would assume that there are strippers there but exactly like you said I don't feel like I need to put boundaries and parameters in place and say hey don't touch that stripper hey make sure you don't get a lap dance because I think that that is assumed like that's a normal rule that we would have in our relationship like I would be really upset if you went out and some chick gave you a lap dance so I'd be really upset if you did that at a box party i would i would not tell you what you can and can't do i would trust you enough that

you wouldn't do those things but if you that's like oh well i shouldn't have gone to that fucking box party on the weekend but i can imagine for somebody in a relationship where there is some potential trust issues that environment is really dangerous because you've got alcohol you know you've got potential privacy if it's at a house or apartment you know it has all the ingredients for something bad to happen so I can understand that she would be really concerned about that situation if the relationship isn't in a good place yeah and I think it's interesting as well like this conversation around like putting rules and boundaries in place like I think that like obviously you have conversations about what isn't isn't acceptable

in a relationship but the only time that I've ever been in a relationship where I've had to put rules and boundaries in place like per se is when I've been cheated on and then after that we've sat down I've said okay this is stuff that is not acceptable to me so if you've been cheated on in the past and you're trying to rebuild that trust that takes a really long time to rebuild then maybe that's a reason to turn around and say okay I don't want you going to a bucks party where there's going to be strippers because there are some consequences to actions and unfortunately maybe that is one of them which is going to help her rebuild her ability to trust again but if he hasn't ever done anything that's actually made you question his intentions or question his trust

then I do think that like unfortunately a bucks party or a hens party is kind of a hall pass in this because imagine if you had your best friend's wedding and there was going to be a stripper there and your partner said you can't go like when if the tables were turned in that environment and like it's very often that you know we go to hens parties and there's a stripper I think the problem is is that the strippers that come to hens parties it's usually comical and when there's strippers involved with guys it's not necessarily it doesn't have that comic element it's definitely more sexual and I think that that's why women feel and can feel more insecure than men do when there's a stripper present why do you think it's more sexual at a men's party what's it how do you

differentiate between a male stripper and a female stripper because I feel like every single time I've been to a hen's party and maybe I'm just being totally stereotyping here but every time I've been to a hen's party where there's been a male stripper it's usually like the bride is trying to get away from the stripper there's lots of like everyone's pissing themselves laughing it's a lot of comical elements to the actual show itself laura that's just like a bucks party it's all it's always the guy going oh no don't touch me get those boobs out of my face somebody help me please that's what happens at our parties oh you're so tortured are you poor soul i can only imagine it must be really awful having perky boobs staring into your pupils I remember when

my nipples used to stare into people's pupils and now they stare at the floor well it's it's actually quite anxiety inducing I think having the nipples in your face I remember I was I was 18 and I was in Europe I just had my birthday and I was with a mate we were backpacking around Europe and I thought I'm now going to go to a strip club because I'm legal. And I think we were, I think we were like in Berlin. I'm going to say Germany. Were you in Hungary at a 25 set orgy? I went to this strip club and I was so nervous. I'd never been to a strip club before. And I sat down and I was like, hi. And you know, I was like trying to give her a smile, make her feel comfortable as well. And she could tell that I was really, really nervous. And she was wearing

a g-string bottom um no top and she had some money in her g-string and i didn't i didn't know the protocol for you know like do you just offer the money and and you know that's what i did i literally just like lent over and i i had some money and i and she kind of gestured to put it in a g-string and i was like no no no no no there's too much just just take it and she was like no please like in the g-string and obviously we couldn't communicate because music in the club and then I had to like quickly pull a g-string and then like tuck the money in and then as soon as I did that I was like well that's it job done strip club is finished tick that box let's get out of here and that was my first experience at a strip club when I was 18 I used to go to the

strip clubs this is okay this is oversharing for you guys but I used to go to the strip clubs when I was 18 19 20 because as a female you would go there kind of early and you would get free drinks So there was a strip club in the cross called butter being, and I'd go there with all my girlfriends and we'd go there and we'd, we'd get primed for the night, have a few drinks free on the strip club. And then we'd leave and we'd go out this one night. I got very, very drunk prior to going to the strip club. And then we ended up at the strip club and I feel like you're about to tell me that you

started dancing. No, I didn't. I did something worse. there was a girl on stage who was dancing and i pulled my dress up over my head and screamed i can do it better than you wow and then i got picked up by the security guard carried downstairs with my dress still over my head and i got put on my ass on king's cross street and i got banned from the strip clubs that's the story about the last time i went to a strip club wow i was 19 i was wild back in the day and then you found me on a reality tv show out of all the women you

could have met in Australia this is the one you ended up with what a catch my my baby mama the mother of your children goodness me that didn't even get a chuckle out of you you're like so disappointed in your face I know I'm literally I'm imagining right now how I would have reacted if I was there and I'd seen you do that I'd be like Laura how dare you repulsed you definitely wouldn't have ended up dating me disappointed so what did we get to in a conclusion for that one at the end of the day this all comes down to trust I think it's definitely a situation which will make you feel uncomfortable but I think you can explain that to him but I don't think you can go down the route of asking him not to attend I think that would be far more dangerous yeah I

definitely agree I think that there has to be a huge element of trust that happens here I don't think it's healthy in a relationship to tell someone what they can and can't do as a mandatory like I don't think that you should give someone the ultimatum saying like you know you can't do this you can't go to this I won't allow it because I do think that that breeds a lot of resentment within relationships but I do think it's very important to have a conversation with him before he goes about why this is making you so uncomfortable and about the things he can do to minimize that discomfort maybe he needs to like text and check in or something or maybe it'll just make him more aware and his behavior will change slightly because you know at the end of the day

he loves you he respects you and he doesn't want you to feel that way however is he going to boycott his friend's Bucks party? Probably not. Absolutely not. So the very last thing I want to say on this is that regardless of whether he's at a Bucks party where there's strippers or not, if you're with somebody who isn't treating you the right way or is going to cheat on you, it doesn't matter the environment. They will still do that. And I think that, you know, if you can't trust him to go to a Bucks party where there's going to be a stripper, then you probably can't trust him to go out to a nightclub where there's other girls as well. So I think check whether this is an insecurity that you feel or whether this is actually a legitimate issue because of his

behavior and the things he's done in the past and that's sort of where you need to unpack this from and failing that you can just go to the bucks party with him okay question number two maddie j is gonna read this one for y'all okay it is i think this one was specifically written in for us yeah this is very relevant for us the question is do you always find each other attractive or are there days where you ain't feeling it shall we answer this on the count of three okay one two three no okay i'm really offended i mean there are certain moments when you know i'll walk past a bathroom when the doors open and you're doing a number two excuse me i don't leave the door open when

i'm doing a number two and you do actually you do and i think god that's my girl only if you i don't trust that you have an eye on marley and i'm trying to keep an ear out which is often which is sometimes but anyway no okay i i think that it's important to kind of separate these things and i just say i always love you i always love you too honey but i don't always like you if you know what I mean I know exactly what you mean I always find you attractive like I don't find you less attractive but there are days when or times I shouldn't say there are days but there are times when I'm not attracted to you and I think of attraction in the same way that I think of happiness or I think of sadness or I think of any other emotion that you feel like attraction is

this overwhelming feeling of being like I want to be with you right now and that can't be a constant nothing in life is a constant everything has ebbs and flows and i think the more time that you spend with someone the more comfortable you feel with them the more that like yes absolutely there are times where i'm super attracted to you and then there are times where i'm less attracted to you actually there's probably times where i'm super frustrated about things that you've done and we fight and don't be ridiculous laura in the middle of a fight i'm not thinking fuck this man's so attractive in the middle of an argument i'm thinking do i hate you is this hate do i actually no i don't hate you that's right i love you i need to remind myself but i'll find you attractive

again tomorrow but now is not the time yeah i think there's certain times and i know that the last few weeks have been pretty hard with marley because she's been a little bit unwell and she's not been sleeping and i think there are certain pinch points in a relationship where you are tired you're exhausted you're a bit stressed out with work and you're squabbling over minor things in those situations there you definitely don't find the other person attractive that's that's the last thing on your mind, but you know, that's not going to last, you know, and you've got to take the good with the bad. Absolutely. I think that everything, like we said, everything comes on a spectrum. You're going to have intense feelings towards someone and you're going to

have times where, you know, those feelings are less, but the important thing is like having that mutual love, that really deep seated mutual love for each other, knowing that that doesn't go away regardless of everything else that fluctuates around you. But like, I always feel like I love you there's never a time where I'm like I don't I don't love you I don't like I question my feelings that doesn't happen but do I question my attraction I guess that that's a weird it's a weird way of putting it because like it also ties down to my own personal libido like you know being pregnant we've talked about it loads on the podcast I am certainly nowhere near as like sexually driven as what I normally am and this pregnancy has hugely affected my libido so therefore it's affected

my feelings of being attracted and everything else that comes with that as well but it's it's funny that I think back to the weekend on Sunday we had a really really busy day where we had our family like my family and your family were both over so we were from the moment we woke up we were cleaning the house we were organizing food people were around and it was extremely hectic and I like didn't get to spend much time with you and like I don't think we even had more than a kiss or two throughout the whole day because I wasn't focused on that and then it wasn't until the end of the day where you said hey you know you've not really kissed me today and I you know I didn't even realize I'd been acting in that way but I think sometimes you know if you are feeling

like you need more attention or if you do feel like you need more or love and affection I think it's it comes down to communicating that to your partner like I didn't even realize and of course you know that day I still loved you more than ever but I just I guess I wasn't showing that outwardly as much as I normally would it's funny you bring that up actually like you guys know that we do our suck and sweet on every episode and if you listen to the episode we did on Tuesday which was the one um with Dr Angela Jay it's a freaking awesome episode I really really I mean that sounds very biased because obviously it's our episode but it's a really special episode and I really really hope that you can go and listen to it if you haven't already but I did talk about my suck

that week and my suck was that this feeling of you know I've been a lot more emotional lately and things that normally wouldn't upset me have upset me a lot more and I was saying to Brit like it's not something that I can just put down to hormones constantly and just blame on hormones but it's also the fact that like my body's changed heaps I don't feel as attractive as I normally do I'm pretty down on myself about those changes and when we had all these people over on Sunday and that just wasn't his normal attentive self it like really amplified my insecurities around me not feeling as attractive. So I, I definitely think that this is something that's fluid. And I obviously told that on the podcast, Matt's just mentioned it again. And, you know, we spoke about

it a lot that Sunday night, but I think you absolutely nailed it. Like you have to have communication. You have to talk about when you're feeling those ebbs and flows that your partner doesn't feel rejected as well. That's a really important part of communication and of making sure that you guys are completely on the same page. And I also just want to say, I think it is really important at at some point throughout the day that you do even if it's just one brief moment having a hug having a kiss not to have that eventuate into anything more than just you know a quick embrace but I think it is really important that you don't forget those little intimate moments I 100% agree and I think as soon as you do start forgetting those intimate moments that's

when you kind of end up feeling like you're just living with a friend you know like and and I get it like as life changes it's very easy to be constantly intimate with each other when you first started dating when you're in the honeymoon phase and like when you have no other distractions but like once you have kids and things become a little bit more chaotic and you seem like you're you can't focus on that person and with the same intensity that you could before it does sometimes become easy to just forget to make sure that they feel completely appreciated but it is such an important thing to remind your partner of that I mean maybe after this we should just go make out for a little while we'll put this on pause we'll come right back hi guys it's good

to be back no but the other thing as well and something that the reason why I picked this question I thought it was really important one to unpack is because we see it on Instagram you see couples that look perfect that they look like they're always in love and you know like we've we constantly say like comparison is the thief of joy but it is not that is not sustainable it's not how relationships work relationships have the full spectrum you know you fight in relationships it's a very normal and healthy part of relationships feeling intensely attracted to your partner and then also having days where you feel slightly less attracted to them are all normal parts of a relationship and I don't think that if you feel that if you feel those waves and those ebbs and

flows it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong with your relationship you're just riding riding the waves of it and like you know you can't be with someone for 30 years or 40 years or 50 years of life and every single day for every single moment wake up feeling peak aroused and peak attracted to them it's just not going to happen never going to happen no you see them at the worst and you see them at the best and yeah all of that is part of a relationship you mentioned fighting in a relationship and I think it is such a really critical part of sustaining a really healthy relationship is how you resolve conflict and even you know even we have little squabbles I don't think we, we never really fight over anything major.

It's always something that's just like so trivial and so minor. It's just, just us being tired and exhausted, which makes it so much bigger than what's actually at hand. Yeah. And one of the questions that we chose, which I thought was so relevant is in regards to fighting. So I'm going to hit you. Question number three, Matty J.

So weird that I'm calling you Matty J. Just, I would never call him that. It's just for like, this is just for continuity. I didn't even flinch. Matthew Johnson is what I would more likely call you, but usually it's just when you're in trouble. I'll answer to anything. All right, babe, here we go.

So my question is, my partner and I have very different fighting styles. We've been together for nine years now and literally nothing has changed. The things we fight over are generally inconsequential, but afterwards I want comfort and resolution and he wants to retreat. The more I push, the more he retreats. And then we get stuck in a cycle resulting in both of us feeling like shit. in particular i and i end up emotional and irrational how can we break the cycle help yeah it's interesting i know that i've i've spoken to other couples about their fighting style i

i would find it so difficult to have a fight with you laura and to not resolve it before we went to bed i think we kind of we didn't even really speak about it it was just something that i think we were lucky that we're both on the same page that we never wanted to go to sleep still having angst with each other. Yeah. We, I guess like it's such an important thing, right? Like everyone talks about your love languages and we've done an episode on like attachment styles, but we've never really unpacked argument styles. And I think that that is probably one of the most critical parts of a relationship is like your conflict resolution. And we're very, very similar. We, we fight in the exact same way. We are so stubborn. But we, so Matt and I, we have the exact same

fighting style. We, when we fight, like, like you said, we, we don't actually ever fight over big things. And that's because there have been no big and bad things that happened in our relationship to fight over. They're always such like small irritations. It could be that I don't like the way that Matt has said a specific thing to me and it's made me feel upset or insecure. Or I don't like that you've been a little bit short with me. It's always something that's been taken out of context, but I have found it offended or vice versa. You know, I've said something to you and you haven't liked my tone more so than actually what were the words that were said. I'm trying I think back to the last little argument we had and I think it was when one day I had Marley in

the morning you'd been at work we were doing like a changeover midday and you came home and I think I said it was as simple as and I don't know if I'll get the tone right but I said can you please take Marley maybe I didn't maybe I didn't say please okay so what actually happened was we're gonna rehash this argument right now what actually happened was is um Matt had had Marley for two hours and I had had her all morning I think it was three it was two hours and like I'm gonna feel like it had been a stressful two hours she hadn't been her best self she you know like and anyone who has a toddler knows that like even in a small period of time if there's a toddler tantrum that ensues it can be super stressful and like hard to manage and I had come home I had

taken her and of course like the change in parenting meant that she was being an absolute angel for me so Matt was just a bit frustrated and he went to the bedroom to kind of calm down and I walked into the bedroom with Marley and she was being super happy I didn't really realize what had kind of gone on before I'd gone home and I was playing with her and I was like oh like you know give daddy a cuddle or something like that and he was like no I need like 10 minutes away and he kind of got up and walked out of the room maybe I delivered that with a bit too much frustration yeah and I and I took it personally I took it like well you wanted to be away from me and not just Marley not just that you needed a break from parenting I took it as though like

in that moment you wanted to get away from us and so obviously then I was offended and then he was offended that I was offended just snowboard from then and I guess the thing with our fighting style is like I actually think that sometimes we can gaslight each other when one of us has an issue and it's not intentional but it's because the gaslighting occurs because neither of us want to admit that we've actually hurt the other person's feelings so we try and change their mind so we will be like you know Matt might have said something that's upset me or I might have said something that's upset him and instead of sitting down and listening to what is the what is what the other person is upset about our instant default and we both do it is to turn around and

be like well you you are too sensitive you've taken that the wrong way and that's your problem it's not what I said and I recognize that that's not very healthy but the the good thing that we both do is that after a little while of us being stubborn one of us always ends up going I'm sorry I can see it from your perspective and I think that that's what's the most important part about conflict resolution is that you need to remember are you fighting because you want to get to a better goal like you need an end goal and like you want to make up from it or are you fighting to be right and if you're just fighting to be right then that's when you need to concede and go okay pick your battles like it's not worth being right over something that is inconsequential

There are so many fights where I've been really stubborn. There's so many. There's like a couple. No, I'm just thinking back to like moments where we've both been lying in bed and we're facing the other way. And I'm thinking to myself, there is absolutely no way I'm going to give in and I'm going to roll over and give her a kiss. She's the one who's going to do it this time.

But then I look back at that situation and I think the reason I was being so stubborn is because I just didn't want to be wrong. And it's so hard to do it in the moment. it's so hard to do it when you feel angry about something i think you do sometimes you need to take a bit of a breather because in the moment when you are frustrated aggression is only going to breed more aggression then you'll just end up shouting and getting you know the fight will then build up and you're never going to resolve it and i think the important thing to come back to with this question and like we obviously we've just hashed about our own fighting styles but the

problem with this question is that your fighting styles are different and i and i and i think when you have different fighting styles to your partner it means you have to work even harder to better understand them so knowing that your partner is someone who retreats and someone who has to avoid conflict there does and I understand that like you know when you're someone who needs reassurance and you need love and affirmation that can leave you feeling even more abandoned but in the same instance that you need love and affection he also needs some time to process his thoughts so it's unfair of you to push push push push push and keep pushing the conversation to get what you want out of it because it makes him also feel isolated in the exact same way that you feel isolated

so you do have to try and meet in the middle a little bit with this and I think that some way that you can resolve this is for somebody who's an avoidant personality type who needs time to themselves saying hey we need to talk and then knowing that that could be an open-ended conversation that could go for hours is actually petrifying to someone who is an avoided personality type so maybe saying I'm feeling really upset and I know that this is something that you struggle with but I need five minutes to explain to you why I feel upset and then I'd really love it if you would just give me five minutes to reassure me that that we're okay and then we can you can go and have your time out and I will be all right but I think it's when things escalate so much and

there's lack of communication there that even if the fight itself is inconsequential the fight becomes so big and so magnified that you're left feeling like your partner doesn't understand you as a person i want to say as well when when you are in a situation where an argument is escalating and you're almost going blow for blow and i say this and i i know it's really easy for me just to say hey here's a rule for this when you have an argument but i think the worst thing you could potentially do in an argument is to have personal attacks for the other person and I think in the moment when it's very heated it is so easy because you know it's that's what's going to get you the best reaction you know in the moment but I think as as much as you can try and avoid going down

that route because then it's so much harder to try and resolve it when you're going so far deep into hurting the other person's feelings like our big one is like you cannot swear like that's our big one and i know that sometimes i swear but my rule is i don't like being sworn at so if matt's matt ever is like oh fuck this or and like he doesn't swear at me don't get me wrong like our fights are really really tame and docile but if we're having an argument and matt responds with like fuck this and storms off that takes the argument to like the next level like that for me is such level of disrespect so but i but i think it's great when you when you when either one of us does go to like stage two of a fight where we where a swear word is starting to be thrown and

we see it escalating straight away we're like you stop that right now yeah because what you're doing we have boundaries and like they're rules that we have to our fighting and i think like anything in a relationship you have rules that you've communicated that you you know that are your boundaries about what is respectful and what is acceptable and like if you are feeling like you're not being respected it's time to kind of call out and be like cool cool we need to take a couple of seconds here because this is not how we're going to fight about this I'm not going to swear at you you're not going to swear at me you're not going to insult me I'm not going to insult you because we're actually fighting about something that you didn't do like you didn't take the freaking bins

out or you you walked away from me in the bedroom I didn't like your tone you have to kind of try and bring yourself back to why are you fighting and what happened and I think if you can break it down to being something that is literally not a big deal you need to keep that in perspective when you're fighting different if it is a big deal different if you've been cheated on different if you have feel like you've been lied to different there are so many other things that kind of like break the fighting rules of course like even then you're not going to go down the path of screaming calling and hurling abuse but I can understand why the fight would become slightly more irrational in those instances and there it takes it takes a lot more work and potentially some therapy

to overcome those things but I'm talking about the everyday irritations of just living with and being a cohabitating unit that you need to work through and there has to always be this level of respect for how the two of you communicate. And where possible. I was like, I'm wrapping this up, pal. And where possible, always have the make-up sex. Oh, yeah, make-up sex is the thing, right?

You have to have make-up sex and you have to have like a big hug and a big kiss afterwards and like what Matt said, just. The sex. The sex. I reckon that's why you pick fights with me. Yeah, I'm like, well, it's been a while. Hey, Laura. Fuck you.

Here we go. Let's go. And we're on. Okay, we got one more question, guys. Question number three. Was it three or was it four? I can't even remember where we're at. No, this is question four.

Oh, it's question four. You did first one, I did second. We did third. We can count. We are good. God help Marlee Mae when she has maths at school. this one is very related to timing so i think this is important it's another relationship question but i mean it kind of makes sense that you guys were throwing loads of relationship

questions at us seeing as though we're in a relationship well and seeing as though this is a relationship podcast true i mean if people are throwing you know like electrical questions at us engineering questions it'd be really hard for us to come back and answer that and you're also a terrible handyman so it would be particularly hard the light in the bathroom yesterday thank you very much he did change a light globe okay all right so I started dating this guy in April COVID made me make a dumb decision I've known the whole time that this man is not my penguin and it's not going to be long term which is which leads me to the problem I have now I need to break up with him the problem is he went all out for my birthday and now Christmas is coming should I wait

until after Christmas I have already set a limit for presents so I'm not really worried about the whole present thing however is it worse him being alone during christmas or leading him on by letting him come along to my family christmas he can't head to his hometown due to covid help to break up or not to break up oh gosh she's got herself in a real pickle a real pickle dickle is this what you would call laura tell me if this is correct a situation ship no okay great that's definitely because that's not what I was going to say. Perfect. This is not a situation. They have defined the relation. They are in a relationship and she wants out of it because she sounds like she kind of used him as a bit of an emotional crutch during COVID when she was feeling a bit

alone and she ended up dating a guy that she knew wasn't right for her. And now it's come to a point where she can go out, she can see guys, she can live her life and she wants to end this relationship before it escalates any further. I can sympathise with her because I've been in a situation over in the UK before where, look, the winter in Europe is so brutal and depressing that I have dated someone and I knew at the time that they weren't someone who I was going to be madly in love with.

They were someone that I enjoyed hanging out with. We had good chemistry, but I definitely wasn't thinking to myself, oh, my gosh, this is going to be the person I'm going to marry. But at the time, I was like, this is nice. this is fine you had a winter shack up you're cozy exactly right i don't want to go to the bar and when it's more snowing outside oh yeah you want to say you want to watch movies stay on the couch so you use people oh um that's yeah for want of a better phrase thanks laura i knew that was the old maddie j gosh the things i used to do no but i knew that it was leading up to christmas

and i realized that if i had gone through a big event like spending time with her family over Christmas that is something that is really going to solidify the relationship for her and I know I knew that moving forward it would be so much harder to try and end that relationship because that person's getting more and more invested and I think it's you know you want to do the right thing here you don't want to hurt someone's feelings and so it is really tempting to just go do you know what I'll see through Christmas it'll make it a lot easier it means that they're going to be with somebody and not by themselves over such a really huge event of the calendar a year but I think unfortunately you're just prolonging that pain and when you do eventually

break up with him if it is after Christmas it's actually going to make it harder for them long term so I think do you know what I would do Laura what I I do wonder I think what she should do is break up with him pre-Christmas however I think what would be a nice little like nice little like sweetener to the situation is I think she should still get him a Christmas present that's weird no no because i think it's like it's a bit of a shit sandwich right so it's like hey i've had a really great time unfortunately i don't want to see you again however i bought you a christmas hamper however here's some christmas pudding yeah and here's a new t-shirt and socks but he's never going to want to wear it he's never going to want what she's going to give him that's

not true not true at all everyone likes socks everyone likes socks i still i still have gifts that i've i've worn you still have gifts from ex-partners yeah my wallet really yeah you've always do you know what this is a real point of contention because every year i'm like matt you need a new wallet and he's like no there's nothing wrong with my wallet my wallet's great now i know why i know because obviously it was you know what you're getting for christmas this year a new wallet so i i think she should break up with him i think it's it would be the right thing to do the longer she leaves it the more invested he's going to get and the harder it's going to be for him to recover from that breakup I'm going to get a little bit sciencey on you

which I think it explains relationships and connections and bonding so when we love someone and when we spend time with them we create neurological pathways right and the more memories and the more time that you spend with someone the more pathways that that literally bind you to that person so by you going and inviting him to your family Christmas all you're doing is cementing that, that chemistry, that love, that connection, and you're giving him validation that this is a relationship that is going to have longevity. So to break up with him very shortly after you're only going to be magnifying that pain because science says he will have more neurological pathways that he needs to actually break down over time because he's

created more beautiful memories with you. As much as breakups freaking suck, they suck at every time of the year they suck particularly around Christmas but I think that it's it's almost crueler to do it after Christmas because you feel like it's making it a bit easier for you I actually do think it'll make a lot harder for him so it's not ideal could you do it in mid-March sure that's a bit of a more like obsolete time of year that would be great but I don't think that you should put your life on hold for three months so it's in between hallmark occasions I think unfortunately this is something that you really really have to do and it also means it's going to free him up to spend his summer he can be single he can go out and live his life um does

that mean that you check in with him on christmas day maybe maybe you do need to just be like i hope you're okay maybe not no no no no no i'm thinking no checking in no checking in but still still the christmas present no no 100 because he gave you a great birthday present but i i think i'm assuming that it's going to be the same for girls as it is for guys that the first time you meet their family your partner's family in your head you know it's a bit of a taste of what the future could be like you know it's it's such a huge milestone moment in any relationship when you are taking that next step and meeting their family what was it like meeting my family when you got to meet four other women's family simultaneously so so again back to the point

of christmas is i i think when someone breaks up with you i think you do want to have some closure you do want to have some information that allows you to understand what went wrong if you're having christmas together meeting the family and let's assume that you guys have a really amazing time everybody gets along he becomes best friends with your brother to then break up after that he is going to be so confused trying to figure out what went wrong because everything was just tracking along perfectly so it's going to be such a shock to his system when you do break up pre-christmas and also it's new year's eve let the man go out and get a new year's eve pash and he might also think that maybe the breakup has come as a result of like your family not necessarily liking him or

something i think that yeah i agree with matt wholeheartedly which is nice it's nice when we agree i think that it's really important to have a conversation and just be transparent with him as to why you are breaking up you know explaining to him that this is something that you have been thinking about for a while it's not a rash decision it's not a decision that you're making because Christmas is here and you know that the timing is actually pretty freaking horrendous but that you don't feel the same level of connection that you should feel being that you've been in a relationship since April and you don't want to waste his time anymore and unfortunately that's that's it like that's where the relationship ends and I think explaining all those things around the

breakup and giving a level of explanation equals a little bit of closure. But also it's just going to mean that you're going to have a much better Christmas with your family as well. Absolutely. Like it means that you're going to be able to enjoy it without the fear of, oh my God, I'm going to have to break this person's heart in a couple of weeks. But don't get me wrong. Like, I mean, it's, it's shit situation for everyone. Like breakups are hard for the person who's being broken up with, but it's also incredibly hard for the person doing the breaking up. Like nobody gets out of this situation feeling good about themselves um and you know i think it's nice that you're considering his feelings and you're trying to figure out what is the best solution but i just

always think in these situations honesty and a really genuine conversation is the absolute best solution 100 well i love it when we agree and i also love that this is the end of the episode it's our first one together honey and pop your cherry we've got 10 you like that we've got 10 minutes left until marley's back home so we should wrap this up because yeah we literally we literally got one of our friends to come take her in the pram so that we could sit in the house and do this we have been trying to get this episode done for the past three days and even though we live together and we spent all of our time together we've still managed to do it last minute which is very typical of laura and maddie j that is us to a t anyway guys thank you

so much to everybody who has written in for today i hope you love the episode brit will be back if you didn't she'll be back next week when you first you know what's happened when you first asked me to come on the podcast it was like the opening of the floodgates now all of a sudden i'm back every other week it's just you're slowly muscling one of us out i wonder if it's gonna be me or brit like i'm gonna come home one day and you guys are just recording the tuesday episode in the bedroom i'm like hey guys what are you doing here that why are you wearing any pants what's going on oh fuck this escalated well the ep's done relax anyway guys if you have any questions for next week's episode brit will be back we'll be answering it as per normal we also have our

accidentally unfiltered section on tuesday's episode which is basically your most embarrassing cringeworthy stories which we love it's our favorite part of the episode so please make sure that you send them to us as well you can send your questions and your accidentally unfiltered stories through to at life uncut podcast through a dm on instagram just make sure that you title it with ask uncut or accidentally unfiltered otherwise britney will have a conniption because she has to sort through it and you can also follow us at life uncut podcast on the facebook group last bit of housekeeping if you haven't given us a review yet and you love the air please jump on and do that five stars would be a great place to start is this where we have my favorite part what's

is this jump on in maddie jay because when you guys normally record and i'm and i'm out in the living room i listen for this moment because this is what signifies that finally it's it's done and i can come back into the bedroom because tell your mom tell your dad tell your friends tell your dog tell your cat tell your nan tell everybody because we love love We'll be right back.