Life Uncut - ASK UNCUT - Three is a crowd, your ex's mum and monoga-mish

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

It’s our first ask uncut back and we’re jumping in the deep end! We kick off this episode by talking about the strange and dorky habits of your partner after Britt outed Jordan to the world as an NSYNC lover! Then we jump into your deep, dark and dirty questions. Today we were asked about:-Housemate’s boyfriends that are freeloading-Ex partner’s mums who don’t seem to get the hint of letting go &-Monogamish relationships and whether you can ask for one after already agreeing to marriage. If you have a question for Life Uncut, jump on our instagram and slide on in to the old DM's @lifeuncutpodcast. You can also join our podcast facebook group at Life Uncut Discussion Group. You know the drill, if you like the ep, share it with someone that you like because we love love! X xSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut, I'm Brittany and I'm Laura and this is our down and dirty, our quick, saucy, sexy little Thursday episode where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. Sometimes questionable questions. That was pretty punny on my behalf. Mate, I'm pretty sure you've pulled that pun out about 400 times in the past two years, so I'm glad that you're still rolling with it. Hand on heart, I don't think I've ever said that.

I'm pretty sure I've never said questionable questions. I think you might have just forgotten all this break and this beautiful Atlantic sun. But guys, we have a great episode for you today. The way that Ask Uncut works is that you write in your questions, your dilemmas, your life queries, and Britt and I do our best to answer them, even though we literally don't even know what we're doing in our own personal lives. We try and help you solve your problems. I love that you just gave an explanation of what Ask Uncut is.

The way that it works is you ask a question and we answer it. What's been going on with you? Absolutely nothing. Lockdown continues. However, there was something that I wanted to bring up with you. you posted something on your stories the highlight of my week now is stalking britney stories but you posted something on your stories and that is that jordan is really into n-sync and i feel like you've kind of added him to the world as being like a closet door i have absolutely completely outed

him much to his dismay he was a bit he was like brit why did you do that at the start now he just thinks it's funny people think i'm cool he's like yeah you blew my cover people think i'm cool i'm like babe no one thought you were cool you have tennis sock marks up to your shins don't worry the tan lines determine that you're not cool he loves NSYNC and I don't know what it is I don't know if it's something that he listened to when he was a teenager but his favorite song at the moment is bye bye bye you know baby bye bye bye bye bye bye that one he loves that but he won't just listen to it once he'll put he'll put NSYNC on on repeat for like three hours he gets through the whole album and then he moves on does Matt have some sort of closet nerdy behavior that he

would be mortified if you added him on. See, the problem is, is that Matt lives his nerdy behavior publicly on social media. I mean, he fucking makes TikTok videos. He makes me learn really lame dances and then post them on social media. I don't think Matt has any closet dorky behavior, really. Like, I mean, he's pretty, Matt's pretty like palatable, I would say. He's a pretty like generally palatable as a person. If your partner has some sort of closet dorky behavior, that they would be mortified if the rest of the world found out about it. They haven't told their friends. Maybe you haven't even told your friends because you're like low-key embarrassed by it.

I want to hear what is the dorky shit that your partner does behind closed doors? The skeletons are coming out of the closet. I'm actually going to ask Jordan this as well. What he thinks my closet nerdy behavior is because I think I'm pretty cool. I don't think I'm a bit of a nerd burger, but I can guarantee you there's a lot of things that I would do. So I'm going to get back to you and I'll bring that next week as well. See, I don't think I have anything nerdy that I do,

but I think I just have things that are gross. I second that, you do. The toilet paper roll, we all saw that on Matt's Instagram. No, Matt added me on the Batch Uncut episode that we did, which is that I like to wash my feet in the sink. Or like if I'm really lazy and I can't be bothered to bend up, I pretty much just pick up everything with my toes. Like I can pick up, there is not many things in this world

that I cannot pick up with my feet. Something else that's happened in my life, which is definitely going to be an overshare, but I know that other mums out there might be mildly interested in hearing this. I currently am in really uncomfortable amount of pain I have just gotten my very first period after having Lola and I know that some people are going to be like wow that's too much information thanks for that don't care do you know what I haven't had a period for like a year and that's just crazy to me and this one is like shark week there is so much of it and I oh wow there is so

much I'm back there again I feel like I need to say congratulations at this point in time I feel like that's like a big moment for you your periods come back also no you're just happy I'm not pregnant well my next point the next thing I was going to say is you need to be super careful now because we all know that Matt only has to look at you and you fall pregnant but I think that you and I are in sync because I currently have really bad period pain too so not that anyone needs to know that but where we obviously talk so much that we're sinking from across the world did you know that apparently being in sync is not a thing yeah it's not scientifically I know that a lot of girls who spend time with their friends often will think that their periods have synced up together

but apparently that's not a thing apparently it cannot happen it's just a coincidence of timing and because of different ovulation cycles and flows there's often like a period where several days will overlap and it gives people the impression that their periods have synced up well of course it is I mean you get your period for a week every month like there's always going to be some sort of lap over and I mean you could be on your seventh day when someone else is on their first day and you're like we're synced but I think that there's been this common misconception I mean, my whole upbringing, my whole pubescent life, I thought that that was a thing. I thought that that was actually a legitimate thing that happens.

And I'm sure there's so many women out there who still think that, you know, their periods sync up with some sort of voodoo female witchcraft that the more time you spend around a female or another friend, that that's what happens with your periods. But yeah, anyway, come here for some Mythbusters and some Ask Uncut. That's where we're at. All right. Well, speaking of, let's get into the questions. Hit me.

Question number one. Okay. Question number one. Hey guys, I have a tricky one. my best friend is also my housemate and up until quite recently we have lived really well together a few months ago she got her first proper boyfriend and it's been a bit of a struggle ever since it's not that I hate him he's all right I mean I don't love him but he hasn't necessarily done anything wrong by me or her it's just that he always seems to be there all the time

I'm talking last week he spent five nights here it's not unusual for him to be spending five and six nights a week he still lives at home with his family so I understand why they want to spend their time here because his family aren't in the next room and feeling like they're on top of them. On top of this I feel as though I'm paying bills for a living space that he's free loading off. There are three people living here but two people are splitting bills. What can I do or say? I don't want her to think I'm a bitch and I'm genuinely happy she's found someone to be in a relationship but how do I navigate this? I think this is something that so many people have experienced. I also think that maybe I did this with Matt a little bit like when Matt and I first

started dating Matt basically just moved into my apartment we spent every single day together the thing that was different with us though is that he had his own apartment so we could also divide the time up like we could spend three days at my house and four days at his house and so no one person no one flatmate was feeling the full brunt of our new relationship obviously the thing that's different here is that your friend doesn't want to go and stay at his house because he lives with his parents and they don't get the same level of privacy so I think and Britt and I wait Britt and I talked about this and Britt's initial response was go for the passive aggressive joke and I was like do not do this I think you just bring it up as a really honest conversation and

be like I'm so happy that you met someone you know I know that James or Fred or whatever his name is is staying here loads and I'm totally okay with that like I don't want you to think that I'm bringing up this conversation because I don't want him here however I just wanted to say that, you know, there's three bodies in this space now, and there's three of us using the electricity and the gas and the water and everything else. And so I kind of feel like he should contribute a little bit if he's going to be staying here five, six times a week and then see what she says. You know, she may get defensive about it. She may think that that's unfair and unreasonable, in which case I think you can then maybe put forward a little bit more of a case as

to why, especially if you can tell that your gas bills or your electricity bills have gone up. If you say, look, it's only 50 bucks a week. I'd just love it if he would contribute. And also not just because the bills are going up, but because I'm actually sharing my space with someone else in this house, which when we first moved in together, kind of wasn't the deal. I think that most people would be well-receiving of that. I think it would say a lot and speak volumes of your friend's attitude if she was to be

resistant and angry about it. Yeah, Laura's right. I originally went for the, oh, maybe just make the comment next time he comes over. Like, whoa, you're moving in this place. You've been here a lot lately. But Laura apparently said I couldn't do that. Britt was like, just make a joke out of it. And I was like, passive aggression is never a good solution.

Britt was like, I don't like conflict. And I'm like, that creates more conflict. This is terrible fucking advice. Yeah, but I would have made the joke in a really cute way. Like, it would have been a cute joke. You wouldn't hate me. This is a really tough one, but I think a lot of people are in this situation. I wonder if they've even clocked it yet they're probably still in a love bubble it probably has

not even registered on their mind because they're just excited to see each other they're just hanging out and I don't reckon they would have taken it into consideration yet so I do think you have the conversation I was just thinking the reason I say I wonder if they've clocked that is this sort of happened not with the flatmate thing but when I met Jordan he as you guys know basically just moved into my house and he was there every day for about three months before he started to get ready to go overseas and it was full-time living it was like two people were sharing an apartment but I was paying for everything and then one day after about almost three months he came home and he had a wad of cash and I was like what's that and he's like I just realized that I have

literally been living here and you've been paying like the rent and the bills and I it's like two people he's like so I'm he's like I'm so sorry I hadn't even thought about it and here's some money and I didn't take it from him but I was like wow because I had clocked it I was like wow it's like I'm living in a proper relationship but he got there on his own so I wonder if this couple maybe they just haven't had enough time to think about that in the love bubble I think the way you have the conversation with your friend is I I wouldn't have a proper sit down like it's a really big deal I would do it like it's a really throwaway conversation like you're making dinner you're putting groceries away and you're just like hey I was just thinking Bobby's been here so much

lately are you guys going to move in properly together or if he's going to be here more often should we look at splitting bills I would just say it really casually like that so that she doesn't feel because she will feel 100% she'll probably feel a bit mortified she'll be like I'm so sorry like I feel like you've been sitting on this for a long time because that's what I would feel like if my flatmate brought it up to me really heavily like let's sit down and talk I would be like fuck this is so awkward and you don't want to feel attacked that's the thing right I think it's the way that the conversation is delivered because if it's delivered in a way which is just like oh you know I've been thinking about this and I hope that this doesn't upset you

I'm happy for him to be here but I think that that's going to be so much better received than if you make a huge deal about this and make it seem like it's something that's really upset you because obviously it hasn't you want you you want your friend to be happy you also when you live with a housemate have to understand that people get into relationships and you're going to have that person at your house and it's just what happens it's part of living in a share house yeah 100% like people are going to have relationships it just sucks that he lives with his family so they don't have the option of going anywhere else I would just try and have the really casual conversation make sure she knows that it's not bothering you and they're allowed

to do what they want but if there's three people living there it makes sense for three people to split the bills and slide that back into our dms and tell us how the conversation goes because i would love to know how it's received and how you end up delivering it the last thing i want to say on this before brit's like mic drop and i'm like one more thing we always do that we're like in addition it's such a simple thing but i think the fact that because he lives with his parents and he's not paying rent anywhere else. It's not like he's doubling up. It's not like you're asking for a huge amount of money. You're just asking for a small contribution. And if he's literally living out of home now because he can come and freeload at your house, I think saying 50 bucks a week to

go towards the electricity or just to go towards the general space that another human body in a house takes up is a really, really understandable ask. And I don't think you're being a bitch by doing that just ask in a nice way boom now question number two I know Laura that you've been in this situation which is why I wanted to ask this question because I want your experience my ex-boyfriend's mum actually when I said that almost every question we've ever had I feel like you've been in that situation my ex-boyfriend's mum keeps texting me we broke up over 18 months ago and he now has a new girlfriend I get that it's nice to keep things on a really nice level and be amicable with each other I just think it's a bit inappropriate considering the amount of time

we've been apart and the fact he has a new partner should I tell her to stop do I ghost her what do I do with this situation okay when you said that this is a conversation that I could relate to I'm just really glad that you didn't take it to like anal or something else like all right what are we in for it's a pinky and a stinky oh mate I think we covered that off in the last season let's like fucking stop with that one now. Daily Mail really had a field day on that article. I have been in this situation, guys, and it is weird. Just ghost her. No. It's changing. Laura, no, you do not. I mean, I did a fade away. I did a slow fade. I didn't ghost. Okay. So I'll give you a quick summation of what happened to me. I became really, really close with my ex's mom. So close. I would

stay, obviously, whenever we went and visited her, she lived in a different state. We would stay at her house. Her and I would talk on the phone quite often. She had just started dating again. She'd just gotten back into online dating and she didn't really have that relationship with her children to be able to talk about it. So she would call me and we would talk about online dating and the wild world of having boyfriends and meeting men and how cooked it is. The irony of all of this is that she was experiencing how hard dating can be and how problematic some men can be. And yet I was dating her son who was cheating on me and being a real POS the relationship ended terribly and it did a lot of damage to my self-esteem it did a lot of damage to me in general

to like what I thought I deserved in a relationship I felt completely unlovable and I was really attached to her and I was really attached to his family but it was unhealthy for me to hear from her and it was really really counterproductive to me actually getting over the relationship because even though I had managed to set boundaries with him and I was no longer speaking to him I hadn't set boundaries with her and every time she called me or would text me it would make me think of him so I was put back into that situation so eventually it did get to the point where I had to say to her I'm so sorry I love you and I love our friendship but unfortunately because of the situation because of the relationship I had with your son I don't think it's appropriate for us to continue to talk

all the time. It's not, I can't get over this if we are staying in contact. I think considering that you think it's inappropriate, considering that you're not wanting to put effort into your relationship with his mum, I do think that there comes a point where you're allowed to step away from it. And maybe like Britt said, do the soft fade, write back to one in every two or three texts and then make it every four and five texts and kind of slowly remove yourself from the situation yeah everything you said I mean you just said that perfectly I personally this happened to me many many many moons ago it's just not sustainable you can't get on with your life and hold on to it's essentially your past relationship it's obviously a big part of

your past relationship and one that you want to start a new chapter I think it's okay to maintain a friendship or some sort of relationship at a lower level with these sort of people so special people in your ex's life maybe it was a sister of your partner or maybe it was the mother or maybe it was a friend but I think that that has to happen very sporadically so every now and again a checkup that's just like how are you just want to check what's going on you know a little catch up but you're not hearing about her son in this case you're not hearing any details that are going to draw you back it's just a check-in I recommend a slow fade like Laura said I was just like maybe when you write back it's not as engaging so you're not giving her anything back so you answer her

question but you're not saying how are you what have you been up to you know how's Chris all of this stuff so just like answer her questions move on the thing with the relationship breakups especially when they're long term you break up sometimes if you're close with a family you're breaking up with a whole family like if you've been a part of someone's life I remember I was with my ex for eight years my parents were beside themselves when we broke up because she was like mom was like he was like a son to us for eight years we love him we're gonna really miss him and it's a situation that affects a lot of people and some people if you're closer find it harder so there is that that sort of level of respect that you do have to remember that it's hard for a lot

of people involved and I think as well like it is important for us to say that this is situational and it does also depend on the relationship if you have children with that person you've split up or that was your mother-in-law or there's a more in-depth connection between you then obviously you're going to keep that person in your life you know like I mean I totally understand for example if Matt and I split up I'm keeping his mom she's mine he can't even have her anymore so I do think it's dependent on what your relationship is and and how progressed it is and whether there is children involved there's so many more factors in this that are really important but if you think it's not appropriate then that's your agency that's your choice and you're allowed to start

to put some distance into that relationship otherwise what are you going to do just collect mother-in-laws and father-in-laws and like you know parents of all your exes in time you don't have time to maintain friendships and relationships with people just because it's the nice thing to do unless it's something that you really want to do boom question three all right i'm gonna hit you with this one girls i feel scared and sick asking this question and i'm typing this in my work bathroom so i've been engaged my partner for six months and we're planning on getting married in early 2023 lately though i've started to develop a little crush on a work colleague who i don't see every day, but may see maybe once a week at work gatherings. It's led me to question my values

about monogamy and monogamous relationships. It's made me wonder if I really want the same dick for life. I've been looking into what's called monogamish relationships, where you essentially have a monogamous partner that maybe occasionally go out or at least have the option to go out and have other sexual encounters. How do I work through this? How would I even begin to bring this up with my partner without it sounding like I just want an ethical way to cheat on him? how do i bring up polyamory or other relationship alternatives with him how do i bring up an open relationship nothing is missing from our relationship i'm just questioning the idea of monogamy as a concept yikes helping yikes i mean like i love the way i love the way that she

said how do i bring it up without making it sound like i just want an ethical way to cheat it sort of is an ethical way to cheat i mean that's essentially what it is isn't it you're saying to him i love you but i want to be with other people but i want you to be okay with that and the thing is I know people that have had these relationships I know people that have done it just once and decided they don't want to do it anymore and it works for a lot of people it also really really really doesn't work for a lot of people too I think the only thing you can do is have a conversation with your partner you need to be really honest and you should know your partner better than anyone in terms of if they would be remotely open to the idea I actually asked Jordan

this the other day not because I wanted it but it was a question that came up with a group of people before I even said it I knew his answer and his answer straight away was if you need to ask me that don't be with me because he's just blanket no he's like he's very monogamous he thinks two people should be together forever cheating is like an absolute no and it's the end of the world but I have other friends that are very very open to it and and the woman's brought it up and the guy's been like hell yeah let's give that a go it's completely individual and completely dependent on your situation so I think maybe if you don't know how he's going to react you could bring it up like maybe someone at work you could tell him that someone at work has started having

an open relationship and just gauge his response that's always an option yeah see I agree with everything you said except for the very start I don't think that it is at all an ethical way of cheating I think that cheating is cheating and the reason why cheating is so hurtful is because it's deceptive and it's full of lies and it's full of hurt. And it's, it's the lying that is loaded into cheating that I think is actually the most painful. Whereas with this conversation comes a level of openness. So I don't think that this is necessarily an ethical way of cheating because the lying has been taken away from it. Is he going to react positively to this conversation? Who fucking knows? Like, oh, we can't give you the answer to that question. I know that if I

brought up that question with Matt, he would not be positive about it. Whereas like, I have definitely dated other guys in the past who have said to me very early on in our dating that they had questions and they weren't sure around monogamy you know one of the hurdles that you might face with broaching this conversation with your partner is the fact that you're already engaged so for starters I think you have to have this conversation before you get married but you've already made this commitment by getting engaged so maybe your partner has an idea of what your core values are and I think that you know it's very important when you're engaged and when you are going to get married, that your core values align. And I would say that marriage is

probably more lends itself to this idea of monogamy. And maybe that's what your partner believes in, hence why he wanted to get married to you in the first place. However, I know that for a lot of people, relationships shift, relationships change. I was actually reading a article written by someone named Tova Lee, who's from the UK, and she has an open relationship with her husband. Now, a lot of people don't understand it, but it works for them. And I would love to get somebody on this podcast, if you're listening to this and you're like, hey, I'm in an open relationship and it's healthy and it's great and it works for us, we would love to hear from you and do a whole episode around polyamory and open relationships because neither Britt or myself have

experienced an open relationship. I personally think I am too jealous. I don't think I would be able to enjoy it because I would be wondering where and who and what my partner was doing. That's not to say that those sorts of relationships don't work for some people. if this is genuinely something that you are really thinking about that it's eating you up inside that you don't think you're going to be able to be faithful to your partner because this overwhelming urge to be with other people keeps on creeping into your thoughts and maybe even into your actions then I do think you have to sit down and have a conversation about what does a relationship long term look like to your partner what does monogamy mean to you and is it something that you can

commit to for the rest of your life because if you don't do that you're only going to get yourself into a situation in five years, 10 years, six months, whatever it is, time frame where your core beliefs don't match up. I asked a bunch of the guys over here this question the other day because I was curious about it. And the general response from all these guys was they would rather their partner come and speak to them and voice their thoughts and what they want, what they're thinking and just gauge the opinion of them. So they would want their partner to come and be honest because they would want to know what they're thinking. They'd want to know why. And and they'd want to talk about it rather than have those thoughts and not feel like they could go and

have the conversation. One of them actually said, I would hate for my partner to think they can't come and talk to me about something. And I know for me, whilst I think that if my partner came to me and said they want an open relationship, I wouldn't want an open relationship, but I know I would not be mad that they asked me. That's just the person that I am because I'm very open with people being able to voice their opinions and have thoughts. And just because you've thought about having sex with someone else in a relationship doesn't mean you actually want to or doesn't mean you're going to go and do it but there I can guarantee you no person is going to go through their whole life and not think about being with someone else at one point whether it's a fantasy

a dream a daydream it's it's always going to happen it's always going to cross your mind at some point maybe it's an actor that you see that's really hot you're like wonder what he'd be like in the sack it's it's just normal we're humans it's absolutely normal and I think the most important thing you can do is be in a relationship where you feel like you can voice your opinion it all comes down to how you have this conversation it all comes down to what it is that you say when you sit down and explain this to your partner if you sit down with your partner and you say hey there's this really hot guy at work and sometimes I think that maybe I want to have sex with him can we have an open relationship probably not going to go down very well that's going to go

down like a sack of shit on a hot day but if you sat down and you were like we're going to get married soon and obviously that is a lifelong commitment that we're making to each other but I really want to get your ideas on what does like this long-term relationship that we're committing to look like for you. Have you ever thought about an open relationship? Have you ever even considered or had an urge to be with other people and maybe broach it in a softer more open manner? There are people who have you know really great relationships but may also go okay you're not allowed to have sex with other people from work but we're going to go to a sex club and watch other people have sex there's other ways of being able to spice up your sex life or inviting other

people in that isn't necessarily as intrusive as having an open or polyamorous relationship there's lots of little steps and there's lots of other things that maybe will satiate that desire for you without you having to have a full-blown open relationship i think that this is a lot of small conversation that's probably going to happen over a period of time and if you don't have the conversation 100 is only going to eat you from the inside out you're going to be thinking about this and wondering what if for a very very long time so like I think I said earlier when I started to answer this question if you do want to broach this really cautiously and not go to them and say look you know I've been thinking about this I think you could literally say it like someone from work

or someone you know is in an open relationship and just just have the conversation and see what he says if he's like that's fucking he'll probably be like that's fucking cooked I would never do that or maybe he'll be like what a lucky guy you don't know but it's just a conversation about the idea of it so not necessarily what he thinks about you guys having the relationship that's open but what he thinks about open relationships as a whole all right guys that is it from us with ask uncut if you have a question for us for next week slide on into our dms at life uncut podcast or you can also join up on this discussion group there's actually been a really great thread that's happened recently on the facebook discussion group and it is anybody who wants a question to

be posted into the group anonymously there's a whole lot of different group members who have put their hands up to be able to share anonymous posting so if you have a question or a burning question that we haven't answered and you want the advice of an army of like-minded people then the facebook group is the place where you need to be also keep your accidentally unfiltered stories coming in and if you haven't left a review or subscribed mate where you at go and do that please thank you you know the drill guys tell your mom tell your dad tell your dog tell your friends and share the love because we love love We'll be right back.